Best of the Herald - The Worst of The Miami Herald

Everybody in Russia Loves Raymond

2011-08-10T10:37:00.006-04:00

Weren’t you wondering what the creator of TV’s Everybody Loves Raymond has been up to since CBS stopped airing new episodes in 2005? The Miami Herald assumes you were. Turns out Phil Rosenthal is doing his part for humanity by making sure that everyone, no matter color, creed or class, gets their own knock off version of the iconic show.

Everybody Loves Kostya has become a huge hit in Russia, thanks in part to Rosenthal’s artistic integrity. One of the biggest battles for Rosenthal’s artistic soul came as a result of Russian producer’s desire to make Kostya’s (Russian for Raymond) wife a glamorous society lady who cleaned their home wearing high heels and cocktail dresses. Rosenthal fought back:

“I didn’t want them to be dressed as Americans; I wanted it to be relatable to
Russians,” says Rosenthal, who, exasperated, asks the stubborn costume designer,
“Do you dress like that when you clean the house?”Eventually, Rosenthal won his
battle. “I got a new costume lady, and she was totally normal.”

Sony Pictures is also planning on releasing versions of Everybody Loves Raymond in Egypt, Israel, The Netherlands and India. Stay tuned to the best of the Herald so that we can keep you posted on who the Herald invariably pays a salary to so they can cover that bullshit as well.

Barbie Convention Goers Rival Her Intelligence

2011-07-30T15:10:00.002-04:00

Ken and Barbie Celebrate their Golden Anniversary with a Convention in Fort Lauderdale

As if there weren't enough of a weirdo population in South Florida, Mattel has decided to up the ante and have the National Barbie Doll Collector's Convention here on our strange-loving shores.

Barbie sales, as you may not know, are still growing more than 10 percent a year. Not bad for a franchise that started over 50 years ago.

“Yes, Barbie is an older woman,” says staff writer Daniela Abratt. Thanks. I really couldn't do the math on that when you told me she was over 50 years old.

As this is a collector's convention, there are definitely some notable attendees. Sandi Holder, one of the stranger collectors, is losing herself in a Barbie Dream Land to forget her mounting debt. “At the Convention, we try not to talk about the real world,” she says. Funny enough, if you replace the word “Convention” with “newsroom,” you basically have the philosophy of the Herald. Not this article, though. This one has international significance.

Another weirdo, Eric Chatillon from France, only collects classic Barbies that remind him of his aunt. Ever since he dropped a doll from the 10^th floor of his family's apartment as a child and broke its leg he's never been unkind to another one.

Lastly, we have the “brand manager,” or in layman's terms, “spineless PR person” Katie Phillips, who makes Barbie seem like she's as great as The New Deal.“I thought I could do anything because Barbie could,” said Phillips, who must of obviously lacked some real in-the-flesh role models to be taking her cues from a doll. But then, she probably wouldn't work for Mattel if she didn't.

Shocking! Bang Bus Star is also an Aquarius

2011-07-24T12:08:00.004-04:00

Miami Porn Star Jailed, but Not Over Porn

On the front page of The Miami Herald's Saturday edition is an important story about the tragedy in Norway, a significant piece about the debt talks, a profile on our Governor's campaign manager and most important of all, a Pulitzer-level investigative masterpiece about a porn star and some goats.

"His nickname is The Monster. And if you don’t know why, then you probably haven’t seen his body of work." (Get it?)

Now, Raul Amenteros, aka Ramon as he's known in the porn industry, isn't doing anything remotely sexual with these goats. No, he just wants to sacrifice them for his religion. That's because Armenteros is a Santero and killing animals is a big part of life.

Armenteros was arrested after police got reports of a van with strange noises coming out of it on Northwest Seventh Street and 37th Avenue. When they opened the van they found eight roosters, four guinea hens, four pigeons, four goats and one duck. The Herald staff meanwhile, they found an opportunity use the word porn in a headline twice.

Profile: South Florida's Newest Mogul

2011-07-16T13:38:00.010-04:00

Mr. Sneakerhead

Meet Jon Zobel: a young sneaker head so successful that someone on the Herald staff decided that he required an article in Tropical Life. Zobel first rose to prominence in the sneaker head game in November 2010 when he turned the $500 that he made from his Bar Mitzvah into $2000 by flipping sneakers. #lchaimswag

What's amazing about Jon Zobel is the dedication that he shows to his craft: He spends hours every day cleaning shoes that never leave the room they're stored in. When he does don a pair he walks heel-to-toe so nothing but the bottom of the sole touches the ground. He's so dedicated that his mother says he gives 250% into everything he does. Not 100%, not 110%, not even 150%...250%.

This lead us at Best of the Herald to believe that there might be something a little off about this kid. Something that reminds us a lot of Asperger Syndrome.

This should cut down on taxes...

2010-05-18T16:46:00.010-04:00

Miami-Dade cop accused of robbing gambler

A Miami-Dade police officer was arrested early Tuesday, accused of pulling a man over and stealing more than $120,000 from him, police said.

I'm glad cops are finally getting the real criminals. Especially by my house. I'm tired of doing it, myself.

It's always good to see press releases in the newspaper

2010-05-17T17:05:00.000-04:00

Comcast rebrands services as `Xfinity'

"Comcast has rebranded its television, phone and Internet services as Xfinity for South Florida customers. The company is still named Comcast, but all services will now be referred to as Xfinity."

It's too bad that they won't just change their name to Xfinity. Then, we'd really be living in an idiocrcacy. I'd eat double downs and watch it all day.

I miss all the important news...

2010-05-17T16:42:00.002-04:00

Where was I?

The Herald does not let one internal memo pass

2010-05-16T09:36:00.008-04:00

Fragrances banned at BSO internal affairs

The Herald has informed us that you can’t wear fragrances if you work at the Broward Sheriff’s Office. This is incredibly important, because I’m not going to apply at a place, no matter how many unnecessary extras you put on my health plan, if I can’t smell like wormwood.

Who’s going to want to impress the ladies with their drug-planting skills, if you can’t do anything with them, later? I’m not going to tell them we should hang out in my off-hours, where I can spray something other than of the pepper variey. No, I’m a fucking Broward Sheriff. I’ll get busy in the middle of a routine traffic stop for all I care.

So, the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s office is getting one more job application. Look out for it – it’ll smell like straight up herb.¹

¹ – of the genus Artemisia

We Want News

2010-05-15T22:11:00.001-04:00

'We Want Wade' website crashes from excessive traffic
I love crawling the top stories feed of The Miami Herald and finding gems like this.

Forget the bomb threat on the plane in Canada. Forget the impending civil war in Thailand. What's important is that a website about a local basketball player crashed.
Thanks for letting me know!

Pole dancing -- No longer just for women or free weeklies

2010-05-11T22:27:00.001-04:00

NOW, I KNOW.

Save the plastic bag

2010-05-08T09:30:00.008-04:00

Reusable bags taking over shopping landscape

This is the best lead line that the Miami Herald could come up with for this article:

The single-use plastic bag could be an endangered shopping species.

It seems like good headlines are practically extinct at the Herald

Silly acronyms are abundant and wild, though, in the minds of our paper's writers:

The thin plastic bag with handles -- known in the industry as the T-shirt bag -- is under pressure from municipal bag bans and a growing number of retailers who are encouraging shoppers to BYOB -- bring your own bag.

Even better are the quotes from the shadow group that is trying to keep plastic bags from going the way of fossils:

An organization that represents plastic bag makers argues, however, that the future of plastic bags will be one of rebirth and recycling, not R.I.P.
``Reports of the death of the plastic bag are greatly exaggerated,'' said Shari Jackson, director of the Progressive Bag Affiliates, an association representing the major U.S. makers of plastic bags and plastic-bag recyclers.

I've learned from reading this article, that plastic bags are great for lots of things. For example, suffocating yourself after reading a Herald article.

Here, try it yourself!:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/05/08/1619150/reusable-bags-taking-over-shopping.html#ixzz0nMD7xuXk

The Herald’s the only thing on the menu

2010-05-08T08:21:00.005-04:00

Scissors were used to kill FIU athlete, witness says

Here’s the wonderful Marcus Rolle on this story:

Regina told Kendall that `Q' had mushed a cookie in her face and was like `eat the cookie, bitch, because she wouldn't give him a ride,''

And Bell makes sure to ring in, too:

That's when I like ran to try and break them up, because `Q' had something in his hand,'' Bell told police. ``I see KB like falling, like he's injured or something, and then when I see him like that, `Q, don't stab him! Don't stab him!'

Too late. That's Miami.

Now eat the journalism, bitch:
http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/05/08/1619276/scissors-were-used-to-kill-fiu.html

The Herald's email address doesn't work...

2010-05-01T08:16:00.001-04:00

Have you tried the Herald's email (feedback@miamiherald.com), lately?

No?

Well, good for you, because they probably can't help you. They're too busy following in Crist's footsteps.

But if you have tried it, you know they REALLY can't help you. This is because the email address doesn't work.

If you want to send them a message, you're better off using a rock and lodging it through their window.

Here's the place:

One Herald Plaza

Miami, Florida 33132

Hello and welcome to our hell!

2010-04-29T22:44:00.003-04:00

My name is David O'Connor and I write this publication along with my friend Kaan.

Our mission it to convince those in power that the Miami Herald should have the right to die. We want the readership of this once great⁽¹⁾ newspaper to join us in making this happen. In the meantime, we will mercilessly make fun of it.

^{1 - The usage of "great" in this instance is wildly exaggerated}