I had an interesting awareness yesterday that you might appreciate – I was offered a leadership opportunity in a professional association I’m part of. I was flattered, but also hemmed and hawed about it for a few weeks. Here’s why…

Two things kept coming up: my business and my energy. My plate feels pretty full. I have some ambitious goals. But when I thought about my colleagues in association leadership, I felt silly saying I was “too busy” to serve. Like I was a wimp! Like I was feeling scarce about my introvert energy and capacity to handle as much as my colleagues.

So while my brain knew that I needed to decline, my heart kept saying, “yes, but it’d be wonderful to be of service.”

But was it my heart? Yes, but an even bigger NO! It was my ego.

My self-important, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses ego.

My I-need-to-prove-that-I-can-play-in-the-sandbox-with-the-big-kids-and-be-as-crazy-busy-as-everyone-else ego.

It was my ego stepping in and ignoring what I knew about my energy, my need for down-time, and need to create space around my carefully chosen priorities so I could give them my best.

I finally realized that if I was going to say “yes,” it needed to be from a place of confidence, love and power. As it stood, I would have been saying “yes” out of fear that someone else would think I was a light-weight.

Needless to say, I respectfully declined. And that felt powerful!

So when you feel torn about saying “yes” or “no” to something, consider who’s in the driver’s seat: your heart, your head, your ego, your inner critic, your fear… one, some or all of the above, or something else entirely. Notice if you’re trying to compare your energy to someone else’s. Sit with it long enough to discern what’s true for you. Then make your decision based on that place of personal power that reflects you at your best and doesn’t give a hoot what others think.

Every coach, counselor, or therapist has heard it from at least one client:

I’m stuck.

“Stuck” is our go-to word to describe a state where we feel immobilized by life, like we can’t move. We can’t make a decision. Our feet are stuck in the muddy rut. Life keeps moving around us, but we stay still, unmoving, unchanging.

Static.

Most of the time, we think it’s because we don’t know what to do next. We may be overwhelmed by everything. We may have habits that we can’t seem to break, like reaching for ice cream or wine every night to temporarily numb the stuckness. We may withdraw and isolate, this time not out of a healthy introvert need to recharge, but out of a need to shut it all out and shut it all down.

After a while, stuck is all we know. It becomes the “new normal,” and it becomes easier to stay stuck (it’s predictable, safe, static) than to change. We intellectually know that it’s not in our best interest to stay stuck. We grip so tightly, we might even be cutting off our circulation. But we do it anyway.

Cling.

I’ve been reading Pema Chödrön’s “Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves From Old Habits and Fears.” On page 22, I started to feel some puzzle pieces falling into place. Chödrön wants to know what takes us out of the present moment, and she introduces the Tibetan word “shenpa,” which is usually translated as “attachment.” Chödrön shares that she feels that’s too abstract; she prefers to think of it has being “hooked.” Something happens that triggers our story, and that sucks us out of now and into then. It takes us from connectedness and openness to ego. And it’s what gets us and keeps us stuck.

I started thinking about all the times I’ve heard clients, colleagues and friends (and myself!) say “I’m stuck.” I used to think it was because we couldn’t see the choices available to us, and that that was at the root of the problem. So among the first questions I might offer was “Well, what choices do you have?”

That’s still a legitimate question, but if it’s asked right off the bat, it’s premature. We won’t be able to really see all of the choices available to us. Or we’ll see them, make one and then inexplicably fall right back into being stuck once the initial “I made a choice!” rush wears off.

So if it’s not unawareness of choice that gets and keeps us stuck, then what it is?

I think it’s two primary things: attachment and regret.

Attachment is the static cling. We’re clinging to an old story, an unquestioned belief, an expectation that something is going to go a very specific way. And we are unwavering in our attachment. It’s static as an adjective, in the sense of being unchanging. It’s also static as a noun, in that it’s interference or white noise that drowns out supportive voices that could pull us out of the muck (and in informal usage, “static” can mean “trouble”… hmmm….).

We might be attached to something that feels positive, such as making a certain amount of money, finding a particular type of partner, making a relationship work, having a child or a specific breed of pet. After all, you want what you want!

We can also be attached to things that keep us safe. Not losing weight. Staying in an unhealthy friendship (who wants to have that conversation?!). A job that numbs our soul. The fear is greater than the pain. We know it’s not good for us, but it’s easier to stick with the devil we know.

In a recent coaching session, a client was describing her stuck state, saying “I feel like I wasted time because of the past choices I made, and now it’s too late.” My heart ached just a little, not out of pity, but because I could hear the pain of regret.

Several years ago, I led a retreat for six amazing women. We were eating dinner the first night in this cozy cabin in the woods. One of the participants led us in an activity that included a single question answered by everyone. One question was “If you could go back and have a do-over of anything in your life, what would it be?”

For me, there were two interesting things that came from the sharing. First was that everyone shared a story of a perceived wrong they wanted to make right, or a choice they would have made differently. No one conjured up a happy memory, such as “I want a do-over of my wedding day.” Second was that I realized for the first time there was nothing – absolutely nothing – I would have done differently. It was in that moment I experienced the power of living with no regrets.

And with that came a sense of freedom. There were no wrong choices, no failures, only experiences and lessons and fully embracing life as an imperfect being.

It’s not that every choice I made turned out well. Many choices I made in the past resulted in personal pain and heartache. But those choices led me to other loving and joyful experiences that may not have happened had I not made those choices. Or maybe they would have happened anyway – who knows? And that’s the point. I’ll never know, so why keep looking in the rear-view mirror?

So the simple answer to getting unstuck and getting rid of static cling – identify and release attachments and regrets – is anything but a simple process.

I won’t pretend to have the five steps or three magic words for getting unstuck. But something did become clear to me during that client conversation I mentioned above: there will be no release of anything until we grieve and forgive.

When we choose to give up our attachments (even those that seem “healthy”) and regrets (even those we could insist were rotten choices), we’re choosing to let go of a piece of our identity. And actually, we’re not letting it go entirely, because the lessons will always be there. The shift is that we’re formulating a different perspective, one that empowers us rather than diminishes us. But still, the comfort of those old stories, the familiarity and safety they brought, deserves a bit of grieving. Acknowledging the release of pain as well as the release of an expectation of certain victory.

How does it work when we’re attached to something that seems outwardly positive, like having a successful business or relationship? Why let that go? Because when we’re attached, we begin to label things as good or bad, winning or losing, succeeding or failing. An outcome other than what we envisioned (attached ourselves to) is deemed a failure. This is when I turn to a mantra that has probably saved my sanity and my business:

I am open to outcome, not attached.*

This has allowed me to take risks, learn from an often unexpected outcome, and move on, while keeping my sanity and my ego (mostly) intact.

It’s made it easier to change course midstream, cut things, add things and generally have the freedom to see things for what they really are, in the moment. That feels so much better than the struggle to make everything.go.a.certain.way.

As for forgiveness, this is key. You may also see it as compassion. To recognize the things you’re attached to or that you regret will almost certainly bring up feelings of judgment and shame. So we must forgive ourselves. We must have compassion for who we were, who we are. We did the best we could, we made the best choice we could with the information we had, and we now we can choose to pull out the love and leave the fear behind.

We can choose to say, “Attachments and regrets, you are no longer going to keep me stuck.” Then we can move on and explore our choices, unencumbered by the weight of history and expectations. That doesn’t mean we’ll have it all figured out. It won’t be all sunny skies and calm seas. But at least we have drawn up the anchor and can start moving forward.

Please share: Where have you experienced attachment keeping you stuck? Do you agree with trying to live with no regrets? Why or why not?

* One of the principles expressed in “The Four-Fold Way” by Angeles Arrien.

You’ve landed the interview for your perfect job.

You’re on the phone with a potential new client.

Maybe you’re even sitting across from the woman who could become your mother-in-law.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, the other person takes control of the conversation and says, “So, tell me a little about yourself.”

*Gulp.* Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here?

What does that mean, “tell me about yourself”? Where to begin? Clearly it’s not, “Well, I was born in the car on the way to the hospital…” nor is it “Here are the 50 most frequent compliments I hear about myself.” It feels like an extrovert’s question, doesn’t it? Introverts are more about “show, don’t tell,” and we assume extroverts probably love this question (and follow it up with “Now, enough about me, what do you think about me?”).

The truth is, it’s an awkward question for most of us, introvert or extrovert. To the person doing the asking, “tell me about yourself” might sound innocent, almost like an icebreaker. But when we’re put into situations where we don’t feel entirely safe (we’re being judged on some level) or the stakes are high (we need the work!), the open-ended vagueness of the request can leave even the most articulate among us tongue-tied.

And as much as that question can leave us searching for words (sometimes even if we’ve prepared for it), we’re not likely to avoid it. According to an infographic prepared by ComeRecommended.com, “Tell me about yourself” is number one on the list of “five questions most likely to be asked” during an interview (you can see the full infographic here).

Since I myself clam up when asked that question (it all feels so boring to say out-loud, even though my life is far from boring), I decided to seek the advice of a few experts. Their wide range of perspectives was enlightening and even comforting, since now I can hear “tell me about yourself” as an invitation, rather than an inquisition. I hope you experience the same relief!

Matt Youngquist
Career Horizons

In my experience, the “tell me about yourself” question at the start of an interview is a make-or-break moment for most candidates. My advice is to answer the question in three parts.  First, give a very abbreviated tour of your work history in about a minute or so, hitting only the highlights and keeping in mind that the employer already has a copy of your resume in hand.  When finished with this step, sum up your career to date with a powerful “crescendo” where you outline the top skills, values, and/or work passions you believe you’ve demonstrated consistently as a professional, leading to success in each of your past positions.  What do you stand for?  What overarching themes are woven throughout your background?  What authentic strengths set you apart from your peers?  Then finally, bring your answer to a close by passing the conversational baton back to the interviewer with a statement like “So that’s me, in a nutshell.  I’d be happy to elaborate further on anything, if you’d like — and am looking forward to hearing more about the position you have open and how these strengths I’ve mentioned might fit with it.”

Sawanda Spinks
Born2Blossom

Ahhhh yes, the dreaded question, ‘Tell me about yourself?’  There used to be a time where I wanted my prospective employer to be a mind reader and just KNOW me through my resume and my great looking suit! But alas, no one knew until I told them.

The way that I would handle this question is to NOT focus on “you” as the individual (i.e. I am a team player, I am confident, I am a self-motivator, etc…) but to focus on what you LOVE TO DO! Usually, the “what I love to do” statement is followed by answers that involve helping others. We, as humans, LOVE to help and support other people BEFORE we help and support ourselves! And if you think about it, when a prospective employer or client really asks the question, “Tell me about yourself,” they are really asking, “what do YOU do (or CAN you do) that could benefit my company OR my mission?” What’s your passion? How can you take what you love and benefit that company or that potential client? Your passion is what attracted you to that job description or that person who wants to work with you.

When you look at the “Tell me about yourself” question as a time to reveal how YOU can help and support someone else, the question doesn’t seem as dreaded and you don’t have to wish, anymore, for them to be mind readers.

Andrea Ballard
Expecting Change

Put yourself in the interviewer’s mindset and think about why they may be asking you this question. Perhaps they have been drafted into the interview at the last minute, or been so busy they had no time to prepare. They’re embarrassed that they haven’t read your resume ahead of time, so they’re stalling and hoping you’ll fill in the gaps enough to make them sound slightly educated when they ask you questions. Or, they may think “Tell me about yourself” is a good way to help you relax and establish rapport. No matter what the reason, keep in mind – their intention is good. It’s not a question designed to embarrass you, trip you up, or make you say something you wouldn’t reveal otherwise. Don’t respond with “Well, what do you want to know?” because then you may embarrass them! Pause. Breathe. Say, “Sure, I’d be happy to.” And follow with a brief but interesting response showing how you would add value to their organization in the particular job you are interviewing for.

Michelle Ward
When I Grow Up Coach

I think – at risk of sounding like a hippy-dippy – it’s about setting an intention that puts it outside of yourself. If your intention is to Connect, for example, then you’ll stop the loop in your head that you sound like a big braggy jerk because there’s a bigger purpose behind it. It’s also helpful to try to take the emotions out of it and just see your experiences and accomplishments and personality traits as facts to relay. You can ask yourself pre-interview what you’d want someone to know about you right off the bat that you’re going to be working with for the next 5 years…what would make you feel at ease and more comfortable if they knew it about you? That’s what you want to relay.

Nancy Ancowitz
Self-Promotion for Introverts®

As an introvert, thinking out loud is likely not one of your many strengths. So when someone asks you about yourself, your mind may go blank, and it can take awhile to think of a suitable reply. By that time, your new acquaintance may have gotten off the elevator—literally or figuratively. To perfect your pitch, think of yourself as a great product, say an iPhone. Jot down a list of assets that would appeal to different audiences—and pick those most relevant to the person you’re talking to. For help with the list, ask a few people who really “get” you.

Then practice out loud, preferably with one of those people, and videotape it on your smartphone. As difficult as it might be, watch the video, and tweak your pitch. Finally, use every time you meet someone new—at checkout lines, airports, parties—as an opportunity to practice. Always make your answer to “Tell me about yourself” succinct, engaging, and as relevant as possible to your conversation partners. Be authentic and targeted, and you’ll never sound canned. My basic elevator pitch: As a business communication coach, I help clients write, speak, and promote themselves with increased confidence.

Delmar Johnson
HR Brain For Hire

Tell me about yourself is definitely one of those interview questions where so many candidates get stuck on, yet they don’t have to be.  When responding to this request, a candidate should focus on both their professional and personal values. Look at it from a 80/20 rule of thumb: 80% of what is shared highlights specifically the professional traits that are relatable to the position for which you’re applying, and the other 20% focuses on personal experiences and accomplishments of which you’re the most proud. Here’s an example:

“I’m an experienced PR and marketing specialist with extensive knowledge of communication tools and techniques. I’ve developed comprehensive public relations and marketing  plans for major corporations, written dozens of articles accepted by worldwide publications, and created educational workshops for adults and students. I am always eager to learn new methods and procedures, and have implemented continuous improvement techniques in my past positions that saved money and increased productivity. I like working with people and enjoy group projects, but am also a self-starter who is comfortable working on my own. I’m a volunteer with the local chapter of the Boys and Girls Club and enjoy participating in community events. My goals are to complete my Master’s Degree and broaden my experiences with community relations.”

Ruth Dow Rogers
Ruth Dow Rogers Consulting & Coaching

Regardless of whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, my advice as a career counselor and coach is to compose your answer ahead of time, carefully choosing things you share about yourself that directly relate to the job description.  Empathize with the employer, sharing only what you think will help them understand why you are a great match for the position.  Be strategic about what and how much you share.  They want to see how you handle yourself and if you understand what they want in a candidate.

 Drew W. Straub
Straub Organization

You can start by legitimately asking them a question, “What have you heard?”, “Where did you hear about me or my company?”, “What about my services or me made you reach out in the first place?”. Obviously, depending on tone, these question rebuttals could be taken as sarcastic, but getting an answer can help you form your actual response to their initial inquiry.

Secondly, if their impression of you and your abilities is not accurate, for better or worse, it gives you a chance to correct that image. If your skill set is all about providing assistance with “A”, and their interest in you is based on an image that they feel you can do “B”, then it has to be cleared up.

If, however, the atmosphere is not conducive for such an exchange and you have to answer them directly, then fall back on reinforcing the experience they have already had with you. “As you can tell by my timely responses I pride myself on keeping lines of communication open and clear…”, or “As you can see by my appearance I tend to be a (fill in the blank)”.

However, if you are like most of us introverts, you can always say “I tend to be quiet, reserved, and my strength lies in my ability to provide thoughtful analysis and discernment in decision making.”  The key is consistency from first interaction through to the point you are asked the question.

Cate Johnson Brubaker
Small Planet Studio

Introverts often see deep connections between lots of things, and that can make it difficult to know where to even begin with the “tell me about yourself” question. At this early point in the game, the goal is to simply give someone a taste of who you are, not tell your life story. A colleague described it to me once as figuring out the “bait” that will “hook” the listener so they want to ask you follow-up questions. Think about the things you’ve done, what you’ve learned, what you’re curious about, your biggest challenges, and what you’re itching to do. This is your bait. Then, brainstorm ways you can present your bait so that the listener’s curiosity is piqued, and they can’t help but ask you questions. This is helpful because the listener’s questions will give you clues about their values, interests, and priorities, which can help you stay on track and communicate more effectively. So, what’s your bait?

What do you think? How do you approach the “Tell me about yourself” question? Please share in the comments!

One of the gifts of producing these podcasts is that I get to talk to interesting, heart-centered people who are blazing a trail in their own introverted fashion. I learn something from every conversation, and this edition of The Introvert Entrepreneur taught me many things. I learned about the gift of bright shiny objects, how being an introvert affects how we show up – and not show up – and why letting our work speak for ourselves only gets us so far. I also learned a gentle way to tell others what we need as introverts, an exercise for being a better writer… and more!

My guest is Mary Anne Radmacher; she is an artist, poet, author, introvert and entrepreneur. Mary Anne is the author of 11 books, among them HONEY IN YOUR HEART and LEAN FORWARD INTO YOUR LIFE. Her work has been quoted in the Oxford Dictionary of American Quotations, hangs in Oprah’s headquarters and in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Mary Anne’s work is available for purchase here.

You can find her books, alongside other personal growth and introvert-centric resources, here: introvertislandbooks.com/bookstore (Mary Anne’s are under “My Favorite Personal Growth Books”)

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Over the past few years, the conversation about what it means to be a leader has expanded to include traits we might not normally associate with traditional leadership. People tend to see a natural leader as someone with charisma and an outgoing, social energy. And yet, more is being written about the style of leadership that is more behind the scenes, observant and reflective. This has turned our attention to the introverted leader, the one who radiates a confidence that comes from within.

To learn more about how introvert strengths contribute to effective leadership, I’m joined by Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, Ph.D., Certified Speaking Professional. Her bestselling book The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength has achieved widespread appeal and has been translated into multiple languages.

We discuss what traits she has found make introverts powerful leaders, as well as what extroverts need to understand most about introverts (and vice versa) and what to do when your boss tells you “you need to speak up more.”

Her latest book, Quiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making A Difference, will be released on April 15, 2013, and is currently available for pre-sale on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com.

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http://www.motifake.com/happiness-this-spot-looks-perfect-demotivational-posters-158319.html

Growing up, one of the first songs many of us learned was “If You’re Happy and You Know It…” The verse takes us through three actions: clap your hands, stomp your feet, shout “hooray!” Each verse reminds us that if you’re happy and you know it, “your face will surely show it.” Most of us probably enjoyed the activity (even thinking about it now makes me smile), and it taught us a particular way to express joy when we felt it. Expressing happiness and being around happy people not only makes us feel good, it can make others feel good, too (you can read more about that here and here).

But what is happiness? If you go by the children’s song, and take a cue from countless other images and messages society delivers us, you’d believe that being happy meant you were smiling, laughing, worry-free, and bubbling over with enthusiasm. We set an expectation of what happy looks like, and people who don’t match that expectation are judged to be unhappy.

Even though it’s tempting, I’m not going to dive fully into the philosophical question of happiness. I simply want to acknowledge this: that happiness for introverts looks and feels different than it does for extroverts. Our happiness is more internal, more private, more softly radiating than shouting “hooray!”

Introverts can and do experience over-the-top joy; I remember getting a coveted grad school acceptance letter and practically skipping back to my dorm room with unfettered glee. But most of the time, my happiness is an inner calm, a feeling of peace and being centered. My outward expression may only go so far as a Mona Lisa smile that extends to my eyes, which is not always an obvious (or fully satisfactory) signal to the rest of the world that I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much.

People who don’t understand the introvert’s internal orientation think that we must be depressed because our expressions of joy seem muted to them. Maybe we don’t want to clap our hands, stomp our feet or shout “hooray” so that everyone else knows we’re happy. And maybe we’re happy, but our face surely doesn’t show it.

If you can’t read us and want to know how we’re feeling, ask us! We’re most likely happy (ha!) to share. We might even be flattered that you asked, since it shows you care enough about us not to make assumptions or try to “fix” something that isn’t broken. And when we tell you that we’re fine, believe us. You can dig a little bit if you think you know us well enough and you suspect we’re not being totally honest… but otherwise, take what we say at face value.

How do we start to re-frame the concept of happiness so that it reflects the wide and beautiful range of expressions and feelings we have, rather than just sticking with the obvious? Here’s one way to kick-start a conversation: In the recently released second edition of Laurie Helgoe’s “Introvert Power,” she adds a new chapter about shifting how we define happiness; you can get an in-a-nutshell idea of Laurie’s perspective in this interview with Nancy Ancowitz on Nancy’s Psychology Today blog.

My simple contribution today is to share a variation on the “If You’re Happy” song. I hope it resonates with anyone who treasures quiet contentment and feels happiness stems from gratitude:

The Introvert’s “If You’re Happy” Song

(Variation by Beth Buelow)

If you’re happy and you know it, close your eyes (lids down)
If you’re happy and you know it, close your eyes (lids down)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your heart will surely know it
If you’re happy and you know it, close your eyes (lids down)

If you’re happy and you know it, take a breath (in, out)
If you’re happy and you know it, take a breath (in, out)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your heart will surely know it
If you’re happy and you know it, take a breath (in, out)

If you’re happy and you know it, whisper thanks (thank you)
If you’re happy and you know it, whisper thanks (thank you)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your heart will surely know it
If you’re happy and you know it, whisper thanks (thank you)

If you’re happy and you know it, do all three (lids down, in, out, thank you)
If you’re happy and you know it, do all three (lids down, in, out, thank you)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your heart will surely know it
If you’re happy and you know it, do all three. (lids down, in, out, thank you)

PS: I find it amusing that the featured image I use in this post is considered a “demotivational poster,” yet I see nothing wrong with it (except I’d prefer to be face up, preferably in a hammock).

Please share in the comments: What’s true for you? How do you experience happiness?

For many people, discovering where they fell on the introvert-extrovert spectrum didn’t come at an early age. So they grew up with a set of perceptions about who they were that may or may not have been based in reality. This is especially true for introverts; for instance, I grew up thinking that I was socially unskilled and not a good conversationalist.

I hear similar stories from my clients and the people I’ve spoken with over the past three years. From this one piece of information – knowing they’re introverts – they can start the journey of learning how to be their most powerful selves.

My guest is New Zealand psychologist Dr. Alice Boyes, and she was fortunate; she learned that she was an introvert at a very young age. But it was only recently that she started to appreciate her introversion, rather than see it as a personal fault.

We talk about her journey from feeling ashamed of being an introvert to feeling at peace with it. We also cover a wide range of topics, including

• Taking what could be perceived as a negative trait and becoming more comfortable with it
• How lessons from traditional work places help inform making the transition to entrepreneurship
• Distinguishing between introversion, anxiety and lack of confidence
• Identifying your “tracks of avoidance” that could hold you back
• What’s really behind our fear of success

PS: One of her recent Psychology Today articles was featured on Lifehacker.com and has gotten over 100,000 views (read the original article).

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{Main Image: http://blog.zerodean.com/2012/motivational-images/success-perception-vs-reality/}

Miss Ginger

I’m such an introvert, even my dog is an introvert.

My husband and I have plans to go out of town this Saturday night. We’re going down to Portland, OR, to attend one of Susan Cain’s book tour events. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks… even so, I didn’t really start planning the logistics of our trip until a few days ago (very unlike my INFJ nature, which likes to plan, plan, plan!).

Usually my husband and I don’t have much to juggle when we want to go somewhere. Our cat, Lucy, is either self-sufficient for the day or can be boarded at our vet’s. This all changed in late October, when we adopted Ginger, a 2-year old lab. We love her to pieces – did I mention she’s The World’s Best Dog? – and she’s brought us nothing but joy (except for the Fleece Blanket Eating Incident, which has already become the stuff of legend in Buelow Family Lore).

Today was a true test of that joy: it was time to see if she was a candidate for overnight boarding at the facility where we’re taking her (well, really, us) for training.

I’d scheduled us for a “Meet & Greet” session with a couple of trainers. They wanted to see how Ginger did when interacting with other dogs. Since we didn’t know much of Ginger’s history when we adopted her, I went into it with my fingers crossed. After all, she’d done well during the training sessions and had become much calmer when we encountered other dogs on walks. And she’s a lab! She’s supposed to be social!

Well, I knew there were going to be issues from the get-go. The first dog they brought in, a cute little thing named Chai, was super mellow and non-threatening. But Ginger wouldn’t have any of it. She stayed behind me, and I felt like a mother whose child was hiding behind her apron. We decided Ginger might be protecting me, so I left and sat out in the car for a while. When Leigh, one of the trainers, came to get me, I could tell by her face that I wasn’t going to like the news.

It turns out Ginger is rather shy and anxious around her own kind. With most humans, in small doses, she’s fine. But other dogs… not so much.

They told me she wasn’t quite ready for overnight boarding, or even doggy daycare. You’d have thought someone told me that my 5-year-old wasn’t ready for kindergarten; my heart broke a little for her.  What should I do next?, I asked. Schedule her for some 30-minute play-dates, they said, so she could be safely and thoughtfully socialized.

After my initial disappointment wore off, I got to thinking: if I wouldn’t throw my Ginger into the deep end and send her to overnight boarding, triggering anxiety and insecurity, why do we introverts think we have to dive right into the deep end when it comes to networking and other social events? Why should we expect ourselves to “perform” and get everything right or feel comfortable the first (or second, or even fifth) time?

What if we took some lessons from the socialization of dogs and applied them to ourselves?

I spent the entire day with Ginger, visiting a friend and taking her with me on errands. I studied her and reflected on the experience at the training facility. And over the course of several hours, she enlightened me with a few tips about how she would most like to be socialized. I took careful notes.

1. Ease into it.

Don’t start out by putting yourself in the same room as the most exuberant, chatty dog – I mean, human – around. Get to know the lay of the land. Find and focus on someone else in the room who has a similar or even calmer energy than you. Seek out a friendly face. Start out with smaller gatherings in more intimate settings, so that distractions are minimized. Allow them to be shorter “play dates,” only staying as long as you want.

2. Engage in calming behaviors.

Dogs do a full-body shake, yawn, sniff the floor, stretch and initially avoid eye contact. These actions calm them down, as well as send signals to other dogs that they’re open to being approached. While I don’t suggest you do a head-to-toe shake or sniff the ground (or anything else, for that matter), there are calming behaviors that we can adopt to help us adjust to a potentially stressful situation. Before walking into the room, yawn. Roll your head around. Shake out your hands. Take several slow, deep breaths. During the event, step out as needed and do these things again (out of sight, of course!).

3. Take time-outs.

New interactions can be intense, especially for introverts who feel that their energy output isn’t being replenished fast enough to balance things out. I notice when Ginger is about to take a turn for the worse; she’ll sniff and circle around with another dog, and it’ll be fine for a moment, but then I see the fur on her shoulders and rump start to stand up. That’s when I know she’s ready for a break. For us introverts, I suggest we notice in ourselves when our “fur” stands on end and we’re feeling tension or too empty to keep going. That could be a sign that it’s time to quit while we’re ahead, before we hit the wall. Or we might just need a time-out… a little time away from the crowd, so we can do a full-body shake if need be.

4. Retreat to recharge.

{Image: http://intj-madscientists.tumblr.com/post/39585591675}

Today was a socially intense day for Ginger. As soon as we got home, she slurped up some water, inhaled her dinner then cozied down in her doggy den. That’s exactly how I operate at the end of a busy or highly interactive day. I’m drained on every level, and all I can think about is the moment when I cross the threshold of my house and sink into the calm. For that to happen, I need to have a space that nourishes and calms me. In our house, that’s our “quiet/prayer/meditation” room. It’s our den, our little haven. Consider your living space: where’s your den? Where can you go to be quiet and recharge after a period of people overload? And even in the middle of an event, is there someplace that can serve as your den, where you can retreat if necessary? A quiet corner, an empty room, or even a bathroom stall? Find a place where you can take that time-out and restore some energy.

5. Motivate with treats.

Ginger LOVES her treats. When we’re walking, and she’s being especially good, I give her an encouraging “yes.” Her eyes automatically dart to my left coat pocket, the magic place where treats live. Being rewarded keeps her going. The same is true for us. When we’ve extended ourselves socially or professionally, it helps to acknowledge our efforts with a bit of reward. It gives us something to look forward to when it’s all over. It also creates a ritual or practice that reminds us to celebrate our successes. Just one piece of advice: since you’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food (ha!).

Once Ginger starts being around other dogs more often, learning to practice calming behaviors and paying attention to when she needs a break, she’ll start to feel more comfortable, even playful, around her canine colleagues. It will take practice, training and commitment. Does that sound familiar? We can benefit from the same things. Even for the most socially uncomfortable dogs – and humans – there is always hope.

What do you think? Has networking gone to the dogs, or are there more lessons you’ve learned about human interaction from the animal kingdom? Please share in the comments.

PS: Do I really think Ginger is an introvert? She certainly shows some of the signs! It just makes me love her all the more, if that was even possible . Oh, and a dear friend has agreed to dog-sit for us Saturday night, proving there’s a graceful solution to just about any challenge.