It got me thinking what my answer to the question would be. So many of the answers given on the video were things that I could totally relate to and agree with. Here are a few little additional things that I would tell the pre-mommy me:

1. Ask for help. And not just from your husband.
2. You are stronger than you think you are.
3. You will get a lot of conflicting advice about how to mother. You will try things that don’t work for you. That’s ok – keep trying things. Follow your instincts. You know better than anyone else what’s best for YOUR child.
4. Surround yourself with moms who parent in ways that you like, admire, respect and want to imitate. It’ll make things so much easier.
5. Being a mom is hard. Focus on the good stuff. Count your blessings and practice being thankful regularly.

Ok, so those are just a few things I’d want to tell myself that quickly came to mind. If you’re a mom, what would you tell your pre-mommy self??

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Two days ago I made this peach crisp from 101 Cookbooks. I was actually really excited to tell my husband that I actually followed the recipe for once… well, I followed the recipe but left out the plums and used all peaches, and left out the cinnamon (because I’m allergic to it) and used vanilla instead, oh and I left out the arrowroot because I didn’t have any at the time. He laughed at me because clearly I didn’t follow the recipe at all, but for me that was the closest I’ve come in a long time to following a recipe.

Tonight I set out to make these vinegar cookies and I had every intention of following the recipe. The only substitution I planned on making was using organic unrefined cane sugar instead of white sugar. But, somehow when I got in the kitchen things just started happening and before I knew it I had a completely different cookie from what I had intended. Different, but oh so yummy. I really liked how these turned out so I decided I’d share the recipe I ended up with.

½ cup butter (softened)
½ cup organic unrefined coconut oil
½ cup organic unrefined cane sugar
½ cup white sugar (I didn’t have enough unrefined sugar after all, so I used some white sugar that I still had in the back of the cupboard)
¾ cup whole wheat flour
¾ cup white flour (I didn’t have enough whole wheat to do the whole thing whole wheat)
1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar
½ teaspoon baking soda
4 Tablespoons yogurt
2 heaping Tablespoons ground flaxseed

Mix everything together. Roll into balls (I use a melon baller to get even cookies – it’s a trick my mother-in-law taught me and it works GREAT) and place on a cookie sheet (greased or lined with wax paper). Bake at about 375 degrees F until they are light golden brown on top.

Obviously, with so much flour and sugar, these aren’t healthy, but I did make myself feel better by adding the flaxseed. Hehe – oh, the little rationalizations that go on in my brain.

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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So, today is dedicated to a little “whatever”. This is my random processing about a whole lot of things…

HEALTH

Yesterday I realized that the baby and I have been sick in one form or another (from Roseola, to food poisoning, to viruses, to bad head colds) all but about 6 days this month (and those days were pretty spread out). Literally it has been one thing after another. Usually this is a pretty good sign to me that I haven’t been listening to my body and that there are some emotional/spiritual issues I also haven’t been dealing with. Guess I should start listening…

RETURNING TO PRAGUE

We have now been back in Prague for 2 weeks – most of that time we’ve been sick. Not exactly the best way to return to a foreign country or ease our way through the culture shock. Thankfully we are finally starting to get back on Prague time and get Thaddeus to take naps and go to bed at almost normal hours… almost being the key word there. This has by far been the hardest it has ever been for me to come back to Prague. I miss the states. I miss English. I miss my family. I miss Bryan’s family. I miss all the conveniences of being in a familiar place.

FRIENDS

I’ve missed our friends here. They are what make coming back worth it. But, because we’ve been sick we haven’t seen very many people yet. Those we have seen have been so sweet though. One friend even made us a big batch of soup, which was WONDERFUL. What a blessing to not have to cook our first few days back. Then last Thursday we went over to dinner at some of our closest friends and it was just so nice to be with them and just relax with them. We need friends on this journey and I’m glad that I have the one’s I do.

MOTHERING

Lately I have sort of really hated being a mom. I mean most days this week I just feel like I’m not cut out for this. I can’t do it. It’s too much. It’s too overwhelming. It’s too constant. It’s the worst on days when Thad doesn’t sleep (which is often lately). I feel like I can’t even sit down and have a glass of water without being pulled on or screamed at. Bryan has been a lifesaver and so sweet through it all. He’s taken Thad for a little bit each day so that I can rest and get better. But, he can only do so much – he has to work too. Even with all Bryan’s help there have been multiple moments lately where I have SERIOUSLY wished that I never had a child. I know – I’m a terrible mom for even thinking these things. Like I said, I wasn’t cut out for this. I am not a natural born mama. It’s just not me.

ANIMALS

This is random, but I’ve realized more and more something else that just isn’t “me” – owning pets. I am just not an animal person. I mean I wish I was. I admire people who are. But, I’m not. I just don’t get the whole animal thing.

BLOGGING

I’ve been doing a lot of processing about the blog lately. I’ve been really struggling with what direction I want to take my blog and what type of place I want it to be. I’m realizing more and more than I’m actually not really “a blogger”. I mean I love blogging and have for years, I love writing and I do enjoy the people I meet through it. But, I’m not good at marketing my blog, I’m not consistent with my blogging, I don’t want to write in a specific theme or with a specific focus. I don’t want to spend hours upon hours a day working on my blog to make it into a business. I am realizing that I am not that kind of blogger. But, I also know that I’m not really just a personal blogger who just writes about her kids and she did that day. So, where does that put me? I’m not really sure. I guess I’m still trying to figure it out.

TWO FOR TUESDAYS BLOG HOP

Many of you who are regulars here may have noticed that I haven’t participated in/hosted Two for Tuesdays the past two weeks. I’ve been meaning to give an update on that and just keep forgetting – sorry. So, basically after much discussion and thought I’ve decided that the requirements for hosting are just too much of a commitment for me at this time. I just didn’t feel like I could do the event justice. In general I’ve been trying to weed through what aspects of blogging are really important and necessary for me and which aren’t – I have felt a little bit like blogging has started to interfere with my mothering and I don’t want that to happen. So, Two for Tuesdays was the thing that contributed most to my stress level and thus it was the thing to go. I do still love what the group is doing with it though and really like the other hosts who are involved. I do still plan on participating as a contributor whenever possible and I hope that you all will too. If you want to continue participating visit any of the hosts sites, for example, Alex at A Moderate Life.

FUTURE

I’ve felt very confused lately about the future. It looks so unclear. For so long even though the future was unclear it didn’t really bother me, I felt like I at least knew that I was where God wanted me and we would figure out the next step as it came at us. But, lately I want a plan, I want some stability. I am not 100% sure that we are where God wants us. I don’t know where He wants us to be. I feel less convinced than ever of my ability to discern that and more confused about where we should be and what we should be doing.

MARRIAGE

If you haven’t guessed from all that I’ve written already, Love and Marriage Month wasn’t exactly love and marriage month for us in real life. It was a difficult season, not an easy celebratory one. We loved each other well, and we aren’t fighting or anything, but it just feels like there’s a lot that’s been thrown at us both internally and externally lately. We’ve held hands and faced it all together, but it hasn’t left much time for turning towards each other. That’s been sad for me.

Well, that’s my random update for now. So, how are you all doing??

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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I have to start off this post by saying that I am not necessarily writing out of experience. Because I have only been married a little over a year, and do not have the luxury of a 32-year marriage like my wonderful sister and previous blogger Lisa Stedman, I decided to share some thoughts that I have on the purpose and function of marriage, and the hope for my own marriage

What is so intriguing to me about marriage is what it is. There’s no doubt that if you asked 10 people what marriage is, at least 9 of them would say, “A commitment”. This is absolutely true. However, as beautiful as a lifelong commitment is and can be, if we reduce marriage down to only that, we miss out on the depth, beauty and purpose of marriage.

So if marriage is not just a commitment, then what is it? Well, to get the answer we must go to a source that defines what marriage is, the Bible. Probably one of the clearest definitions of marriage is found in Ephesians 5. Paul is writing to the church in Ephesus and speaking about this topic, and quoting the Creator of marriage Himself, he pens these words:

“’Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and ^the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”’ (Eph. 5:31, 32)

Whenever God creates something, He does it with incredible purpose and marriage is no different. In fact, I believe that marriage has one of the greatest purposes in the world. And that is to be a picture to the world of what God did for us through Jesus on the cross, and our response to that.

Stories and pictures are tools used by teachers to help the listeners understand, with even more clarity, the point of the story. God is no different, and when thinking about how to clearly portrayhow fulfilling and beautiful a relationship with Him could be, He decided to use marriage. That’s why a couple verses before Paul gives his explanation we just read, he instructs husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and ^gave himself up for her”. And that the wives, in response to the sacrifice of their husbands, should “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” If this is happening in a marriage, it is functioning as a picture to the rest of the world of what being in a relationship with God is like. I can’t help but think of Jesus’ words in John 17 when He says,

“The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.”

If nothing else, I hope this post serves as a reminder that there is such a beautiful purpose in our marriage that goes beyond ourselves. That if we fulfill our God-given roles in our marriages, the world might know that God sent Jesus and loves them even as He loved Him. In my opinion, there couldn’t be a more fulfilling or rewarding purpose for our marriages than this.

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One link in particular caught my attention. It was a post called Five Marriage Tips and One Life Lesson from a couple that has also just celebrated their 5^th wedding anniversary. I thought these were some great tips and loved the concept…so, I decided to steal it and put together my own list of 5 things I’ve learned in 5 years of marriage.

Here’s my list:

1. Timing is everything. Well, maybe not everything but it is important. If you want to have a serious conversation trying to start it after a long hard day when your spouse is tired and edgy isn’t a good idea. Trying to discuss a major decision while the baby is scream is also not a good idea. If there’s stuff to be talked about TALK ABOUT IT, but find a good time to sit down together and calmly talk it through.
2. “Encourage the positive”. That’s how my mom put it when I first got married and went complaining to her. Basically it means instead of focusing on and nitpicking at and complaining about your spouse’s imperfections (the negative), focus on and encourage and praise the good things about your spouse. It’s amazing the difference that perspective and focus can make.
3. Share, share and share some more. Share experiences, share hobbies, share thoughts, share concerns, share worries, share about the little things that happened in your day, share life together. These little shared things bond you to each other over and over again.
4. People fight differently, and they process feelings differently. Recognize your differences in these areas and try to meet each other half way.
5. A marriage is a living breathing entity of its own – it grows and changes. It does NOT ever stay the same. The good, the bad and the really ugly don’t last. It won’t always be the way that it is now. There is an ebb and flow to the best and the worst marriages. Sure there are things that you can do to make the bad last longer or the good last longer, but know that no matter what no season of marriage lasts forever in its same state.

Those are my five little things I’ve learned (from personal experience) about marriage over the past five years.

What about you? What have you learned about marriage? What have you seen other people learn about marriage? I’d love to hear.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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The whole six months leading up to my wedding my parents kept telling me that “something is going to go wrong, you just need to roll with the punches.” You’d think they were paranoid I was going to go all psycho on them by how often they told me this. I guess they know me. I have a tendency to be a bit high strung and type-A and a bit of a perfectionist. I can be pretty bossy at times and especially when I was younger I had a temper to match my first-born reputation. Funnily enough I must have taken their advice to heart, or let my husband’s laid back personality rub off on me, because I think I was really calm for the six months of planning the wedding and during our Italy wedding trip. I had a few things that I really wanted – like something besides wedding cake for desert, and a good photographer, and I pushed for those things, but other than that I pretty much said whatever and let things just happen.

I decided early on that I didn’t want to be bridezilla. I didn’t want to make my bridesmaids and everyone else do and wear a bunch of things that that didn’t want to and I didn’t want to spend more than was necessary (I mean we did go to Italy, but other than that I wanted the wedding itself to be very simple). So, I let my bridesmaids each pick their own dress and I just gave them a few requirements so that they would all look good standing together. Basically I told them the dresses had to be black and had to be about knee length and that I didn’t want any of them to have exactly the same neck-line. It worked perfectly. They each choose dresses that flattered their body, that they liked and were able to wear again.

For flowers I was pretty picky about my bouquet (I wanted to have a lot of the same flowers that were in my mothers bouquet and I wanted to use some flowers that had positive traditional meanings/symbolism). But, I kept it simple and easy with the bridesmaids and had them each just carry a single long stemmed white rose. We didn’t have center pieces on the table, I didn’t pick place settings. And I let my dad pick out the menu and food for the evening.

I did sort of get in bossy take charge mode when it came to the rehearsal. I guess the director/choreographer side of me came out. And I did have one minor melt down the day of the wedding. You see the place where we were staying had three balconies. We had planned on having the ceremony on the top balcony since it had the nicest view and then doing the reception on the second balcony since it had this beautiful 900 year old tree that I thought would be lovely to eat and dance under. The day of the wedding the chef said that he wouldn’t carry the food down the stairs to the second balcony and we would have to have the reception on the first balcony. I’ll admit I did panic a little. We had to scramble to re-plan things and move the chairs and tables and we didn’t have time to rehearse the ceremony again – hence why the music for the me entering didn’t last long enough for the longer walk down the aisle on the second balcony. My dad and I ended up walking the last bit of the aisle in silence. But, really in the end I am SO glad that we switched it around. It ended up being so beautiful to get married under the giant tree and having the reception up above was perfect too. It was really how we should have planned it all along.

There were a few other little things that didn’t go quite how I wanted them – like I should have maybe been more specific in picking out our vows since I’d really wanted the old fashioned traditional “in sickness and in health, till death us do part” vows and I guess wasn’t clear enough about that with our pastor (my wonderful brother-in-law). I also didn’t realize that the photographer would want to take some more pictures after the ceremony, which I hadn’t really wanted, but it worked out fine in the end.

There are also things that I sort of wish I had done differently now. Like at the time I was uncompromising about the fact that I didn’t want posed pictures and I specifically picked a photographer who didn’t do posed pictures. Now I sort of wish we had a few nice posed one’s with some of the family. Yes, mom, you were right.

But, overall it really was the best wedding I could have ever imagined. And in the end I got to leave married to the man I love more than anyone else in the world. It was perfect.

Here are a few pictures from the day:

Getting Ready

Walking down the Aisle

The View From Above

The View from Below

The View from the Front

The Reception from Above

Celebrating

Leaving with my hubby (The dress I wore leaving is the same dress my mom wore leaving her wedding)

Our Get Away Car

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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Some of my favorite memories from the week include the opera re-enactment of my husband and my relationship that my family put on, family and friends cooking together in the giant kitchen at the villa, the girls only dinner complete with marriage advice, and of course, the scavenger hunt sort of thing we did – where we paired everyone up in groups of four or so and gave people different things they had to find and buy for our anti-pasta dinner that night. When we got back to the villa everyone had made such great finds and we had a wonderful meal. My dad got different olive oils and balsamic vinegars that had been aged for different amounts of time and we had a massive olive oil and balsamic vinegar tasting – yes, it was awesome!

Probably my favorite pre-wedding festivity though was when we went to Sienna. Most of the group split up and toured around, but Bryan and I got dressed up in our wedding attire and took pictures with our very Italian photographer. It was one of the only times all week where Bryan and I really felt like we got a chance to actually talk. I felt like we got tojust wander around the city and talk and kiss and the photographer took our picture as we went. I’m sure that he gave us much more direction than that, but it felt like it was just the two of us for so much of the day.

Something else really special about that day was that it happened to be the day after the famous horse races in Sienna, so there were flags and parades everywhere honoring the winning family. The main square was still filled with mud from the races and there were still bleachers set up off to the side. We hadn’t known about the races or planned on any of that, but it ended up being really fun and creating a fun background for some of the pictures. We followed the parade to the end and even got our picture taken with the owner of the winning horse – that picture was in the paper the next day! So, we even got to be semi-famous in Italy.

I also loved my bachelorette party. I had the best bride’s maids ever! All six of them are just the coolest ladies ever and we had such a blast talking and giggling and playing truth or dare. There was of course some drinking, and lots of dessert, and even a little skinny dipping in the pool. It was so much fun to just relax with my girls before all the wedding festivities began.

The great thing about having a week with all the wedding guests doing all these things together was that by the end of the week everyone was so comfortable with each other. A lot of people had known each other before the week began, but there were also a lot of people who didn’t. By the end of the week it felt like we were all family. Because of that at the wedding there wasn’t much “his” side and “her” side separation. We’d all gotten to know each other. It really felt like throughout the week Bryan’s friends and family became my friends and family and my friends and family became his friends and family.

Having a weeklong celebration also meant that well… we got a week long celebration! Instead of feeling like we put in all this planning for ONE party we got to feel like the party just kept going. We got to work up to the wedding, each day celebrating a little more until the big event at the end. I liked that. It really made it last and made it all the more special.

Well, that’s the week leading up to my wedding… up next: the ceremony and reception.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

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The quality on this video is not that good since it was taken in the car on the way to visit my grandmother in Tuscan, Arizona. Anyone who knows my parents will not be at all surprised by the fact that a drive to Tuscan was the only time we could get around to this interview – my parents own a company and lead VERY busy lives. But, I think this video is definitely worth the watch even with the poor lighting and sound, and the fact that you only see my dad’s head from the side.

I will also warn you that the video is very long – about 23 minutes. But, again I totally feel this is worth the watch. The more into it we got the more little tips and insights my parents shared.

I hope you all enjoy this video interview as much as I enjoyed doing it!

Thanks again, mom and dad, for doing this interview for me and sharing about your marriage! And thank you for the wonderful example of marriage that you have set for me throughout the years. I love you!

Rejoicing in the journey -
Bethany Stedman

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Mark and I were married almost eleven years ago. It is hard to believe. We have lived together on three continents and have weathered many storms our circumstances (and our fiery tempers) have thrown our way. There are stories of our life together that we’ve named “the-third-time-we-almost-got-divorced” and literally times (especially when we were working in a boarding school in rural Uganda) when we weren’t even on speaking terms. We’ve had good advice (”listen to HOW you are saying that, not just what you are saying”) and bad advice (”just have more sex”). But advice doesn’t really work for us, we kind of have to walk through it ourselves, groping our way along this beautiful, but rocky path.

So the best thing we can share about marriage is where to go for HELP. We went through pre-marital counseling with our beloved Pastor Howard using Dan Allender’s book Intimate Allies. Our Pastor warned us that it is designed more for people who have been married for five years, but he liked to do it before getting married so you know what you are up against. Not only is marriage the most intimate relationship you will ever have, and the most reflective of God’s great love for you; it is also the most damaging relationship you’ll ever have, and your spouse is capable of wounding you far deeper and far more quickly that anyone else. This book recalls an image from The Fellowship of the Ring where Frodo et al are up on Weathertop preparing to hold off the Nazgul, and the party turns their backs in toward each other and their weapons out, protecting each other. (There is a similar scene in Mr. & Mrs. Smith!) Each year that we are married we turn our backs in a little quicker and with less inadvertent damage by unwieldy swords! (The tongue is a double-edged sword, btw!)

We found ourselves at an impasse about five years into our journey. Living in rural Uganda, working in a very tough environment, with no one around with extra energy to help us work out our junk. We really couldn’t say anything to each other without taking it the wrong way and turning into another fight. We remembered Howard’s counsel that this book (Intimate Allies) was better for five years in, so we pulled it off the shelf, blew off the dust and started reading again. We made intentional space to work through it together. We would go away for a long weekend once a month, and read through one chapter, talk through the issues and questions and spend some time really praying together. And it really helped us to START communicating better again. (Of course there’s no book that can “fix” our marriage…but we appreciate the direction this one has given us.)

Now we are in Prague, with two kids. We do life together a little bit better now, but really we just have a lot more space and excuses and other things going on, so we HIDE our junk a LOT better. We’ve hit another rough spot these past few years, so naturally, we were EXCITED to see Dan Allender published a whole marriage SERIES. The Intimate Mystery and the bible studies that spring from it called Intimate Marriage Series, have been fun and insightful. So in our TENTH year of marriage, we decided to rally together a Marriage group (which Bethany and Bryan also attend) here in Prague. This marriage group has been fantastic. We are building intimacy and communication in our marriages, but also in this small community. We are building some accountability and trust. We share the hard stuff and the victories. It’s kind of like a holy group therapy. I am so thankful for the encouragement and the hope that these other four couples bring to us. And it is perfect timing for us.

So take these resources and explore them for yourselves, or tuck them in the back of your mind for someday when you need a little nudge toward loving each other better. Mark and I find, that in our marriage, when we love each other better, it multiplies how much love we can extend toward others.

Joanna Stewart works with World Harvest Mission. She and her husband, Mark lived and taught in rural Uganda for three years; and they are now living in Prague. She is the mercy coordinator for Faith Community Church and spends her time trying to learn how to serve people in the city in the name of Christ. Her hobbies are cooking, knitting, and trying to keep her sons Sasha (4) and Izaak (1) from bleeding.

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Love looks like Bryan taking Thaddeus for an entire afternoon so that I can rest while sick.
Love looks like having Thad sleep on my lap for 5 hours of our flight so that Bryan could sleep.
Love looks like Bryan graciously not minding when I go almost a month without shaving my legs.
Love looks like Bryan taking Thaddeus so that I can finally deal with the hairy legs.
Love looks like not minding being sneezed on or coughed at.
Love looks like taking care of each other when we’re sick.
Love looks like steeling a kiss in a busy airport.
Love looks like doing the dishes so that the other person doesn’t have to.
Love looks like holding hands.
Love looks like looking at our sleeping baby and together praising God that he’s ours and that he’s FINALLY asleep.
Love looks like sharing openly about the mix of emotions we are feeling about being back in Prague.
Love looks like holding each other when we cry.
Love looks like re-arranging the furniture AGAIN.
Love looks like every once in a while being able to read each others mind.
Love looks like reaching out for each other in the dark.

Bryan, I love you! I love what our love has looked like over the past five years and I love what it looks like now. You are everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. I love being your friend, lover, and partner for the journey.

Rejoicing in the journey-
Bethany Stedman

PS – that picture was taken tonight.

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