Big Butter Heysus

I have that Brain Eating Amoeba Mermaid Fetus Syndrome (BEAMFS)

2012-01-11T17:58:00.000-06:00

Uma Lou: If Rich and I die from brain eating amoebas because of our nasal wash, you can have moose.

BBH: um WHAT? did I miss a warning label?

Uma Lou: well apparently they say not to use tap water but we do because we are lazy.

BBH: fuck that noise

Uma Lou: LOL

BBH: I use BLEACH suck it Neti

Uma Lou: WHAT? LOOOOOOOL

BBH: LOOOOOOOOL ahhhhhhhhhh

Uma Lou: are you ok?

BBH: I have 2 things about this Neti-Medi....

1. No one uses distilled water or disinfects it after EACH use

2. If I don’t use salt, it’s HORRIFICALLY PAINFUL

3. Could they make the little packets any harder to open with wet hands?

Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOL

That’s 3 things

BBH: LOOOOOOOOOOL

I hate you

Uma Lou: ~<OO>

BBH: <OO>!

Uma Lou: LOL

BBH: GOD DAMND IEKAO:RFJLd]

BBH: I hate ghat

Uma Lou: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

BBH: and

and

Every time I try to do it without salt....

Uma Lou: lol

Yes?

BBH: It BURNS my face so fuckin bad! Like gasoline and I thrash my head around my bathroom screaming like an alien.

Uma Lou: LOOOOOL

BBH: BUT when I do the salt water.....

and

I am laughing so hard I can’t tell you

BBH: Ok Uma why doesn’t the salt water burn?

Uma Lou: I DON'T KNOW

BBH: I have 2 theories that run through my mind each time

Uma Lou: the packets are supposed to be a salt and baking powder!

LOOOOOOOOOL

Great I can't wait to hear

BBH: BOTH of which seem like they would BURN like hell! Right? Right.

Uma Lou: LOOOOL

BBH: 1.

LOL

I always think "I’m a newborn"

Because they can breathe fluid

Uma Lou: OMG I HATE YOU

BBH: 2.

LOOOOOOOOL

I think...

"I’m a mermaid"

Uma Lou: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!

BBH: Uma I am fuckin crying And everyone is staring at me

Uma Lou: LOL Do you think you are a mermaid now? Because you are crying

BBH: crying my SALT WATER TEARS! Seeeeeeeeee!

Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOL YOU ARE A MERMAID!

BBH: I am

Uma Lou: beach angel!

BBH: it actually explains a lot

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Uma Lou: all the bathtub incidents? You are just like the movie splash

BBH: Daryl Hannah!

Uma Lou: YES

BBH: The shit in my brain is not right

Uma Lou: no it isn't. But that's ok. This is why we are friends. I get angry at car commercials

And you think you are a mermaid

POST UPDATE
Shortly after having this conversation with Uma Lou about our brain eating amoebas...Uhh Yeah Dude reported on it (Episode 304 which is available on iTunes or their site).
So I quickly recorded it and sent to Uma! (click here for my weird youtube video of it and how it goes in my brain) Or listen to UYD for real, for a slightly more coherant version of the Neti-Pot as Seth explains how he has been telling his Mom that her satanic ritual of using neti pots is like playing with fire! (and another reason T-Pain MUST DIE)

BBH & Uma Lou on the subject of having children at the same time….

2012-01-11T16:09:00.000-06:00

Uma Lou: when we're ready then we'll just adopt we can adopt little Mexican babies that are sisters or brothers

BBH: ya no Asians, yuppies walking around with them like they are from the American Girl store, they freak me out

Uma Lou: NO ASIANS yeah me too

And no black babies because you scared me…about them turning 10 and going all militia

on me

BBH: just Sudanese or what ever Angelina Jolie gets

BBH: fuckin shank me in the eyeball in my sleep

Uma Lou: LOL wearing a bandana and w/ a ak47

BBH: no pores and shit

Uma Lou: LOL Mexican babies although I think we have to live in Mexico, so there may be a year we have to move there

BBH: fuck no

Uma Lou: LOL

BBH: they will kidnap us!

Uma Lou: OMG

BBH: they will think we are lesbians and lesbians have money! Fuck that noise

Uma Lou: oh shit, you are right

BBH: you just bring me back one & a blanket

Uma Lou: ok LOL

BBH: and I a need a English speaking model

Uma Lou: I’ll take two Mexican babies please do they speak English yet?

No? hmmm no no I need English speaking Mexican baby too

BBH: I don’t know what you’re bringing me! You could be all funny and bring me like a 6 yr old! like ha ha watch this...this will be HILARIOUS

Uma Lou: their pampers will be full of drugs then what, oh hello Federali I was bringing this Mexican baby to my best friend, nope. Dead.

BBH: damn it. You need bigger boobs

Uma Lou: LOL

BBH: we don’t have anything else to OFFER if we get kidnapped

Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Uma Lou: omg we're gonna die

BBH: yup

Uma Lou: LOL two American lesbians by the name of big butter and Uma Lou died trying to transport drug stuffed babies and what do I have? Do you like my curly hair?

BBH: ughhh can I pay my ransom in craft supplies & shoes?

BBH: you for sure can rid of Ike that way (Uma’s dumb dog)

Uma Lou: I will sing a song for you!

LOL poor Ike, we'll bring moose

BBH: fuck Ike. Moose will save us (he’s from the streets)

Uma Lou: you know he's one step away from fucking people up

BBH: We will send for my brother, Mario & Moose.

Uma Lou: LOL omg

BBH: they will save us

Uma Lou: it'll be like one of those action movies cept it will be Mario and moose

LOOOOOOOOL oh shit

BBH: yes. And guns

Uma Lou: I am cracking up! Yes I’ll imagine its Bradley cooper and he's speaking French to me

BBH: you always are

Uma Lou: every minute of every day

BBH: btw....my new man crush is David Boranaz? Bore-e-anus from Bones. I love his mandible.

Uma Lou: OH YES he is sexy wooo wooo

BBH: I’d let him... you know

Uma Lou: do you in the butt?

Holly Molly...are you O-K???

2011-09-19T14:53:00.000-05:00

I love my neighbor Holly. Who for the first year of knowing her, I called her MOLLY, and she NEVER SAID ANYTHING. So now she is known as Holly Molly.

I had this conversation with her in real life…

The smoke from Minnesota's forest fire, traveled all the way to the NW burbs of Chicago. It stunk like burnt Fritos & Israeli feet, and brought us this horrible smog/overcast that was super creepy.

But in my head, the conversation really went like this…

And then this really happened…See why I like her? She is CRAZY & FUNNY.

Top 10 list of shit that's been going on (or was inhaled) lately.

2011-09-10T17:09:00.005-05:00

Oh hey everybody, what’s been goin on? Nothin? Oh that’s lame.

Here’s a top 10 of my life over the last month or so...

1. My brother posted an ad on Craig’s list for a FORD SHO ENGINE W/ RACE CAMS - $700

This is a response he received:

Hi, I was wondering if you may be interested in trading (full or partial) for professional tattoo work.

Thanks, Thom

Umm, my brother chose not to trade the engine for a sweet sweet rhino tattoo from the guy name Thom. THOM?

2. Here are some online dating gems I’ve met. And I use the term DATING very very loosely.

Meet MAGICROCKER008….

Not only is he a recording artist/music producer, DJ…. (Because who isn’t?)

He is also a SWAT dude? Tactical something? I’m not sure…but it scares me. But I’ve been brushing up on my own tactical skills so I am confident I could take him out at 450ft. (see below)

3. Meet ButtLover2720, ya that’s right. Love the Butts…

I checked out his profile, because his name is BUTTLOVER! Come on. And I SWORE I read “I LOVE ANAL” in his profile. The next day I went to show Irma and it was gone?!

Ah ha! I wasn’t crazy!

4. I changed my profile to try and deter guys sending me messages like “SUP”.

I added a feature that enforces a character limit of 50 for the message being sent to me.

It took me a while to figure out what this dude did….

Then it dawned on me….he cut and pasted the ERROR MESSAGE into the body of the email to meet the 50 character setting. And that’s it. No message. Nothing. WTF.

5. So ya. I’m still single. I think I’ll hit 40,000 profile views today. Do I get a prize? Fuck off.

6. I got to spend my birthday at the shooting range, it was awesome. And I can hit a bottle cap from 450 feet away. What’s up bitches?

7. Uhh Yeah Dude is still the best podcast ever. Even when people from the UYD Nation are rude, whiny or bleeding heart stalkers on facebook or the forum. So now I just have tunnel vision and only listen to their mellifluous voices on my headphones.

If you’re not listening, fuck you. Don’t read my blog, they are god damned funny and you should be listening by now. Welcome to 2011’s people.

http://feeds.feedburner.com/uhhyeahdudepodcast

8. I wish I would have got these awesome pictures of my brain BEFORE I inhaled my nose piercing this weekend. Blah blah….Ya I know I’m accident prone. And I have started keeping a list of the possible ways I may die. Because I know it won’t be of natural causes.

For the people who don’t understand twitter language….

That’s:

Torn aorta from nose piercing
Glass shard that travels to vital organ
Paper shredder
Punctured lung
Torn anus
Tetanus
Accidental laceration
Infection from cut/stab/slash
Getting trapped behind a large piece of furniture (it happens..see here)
Metal object in eye ball
Aneurism/Migraine/Brain Explosion
Pin that travels to heart
Stapling a body part
Hit by ice cream truck because I’m blind

I’m not making this list up…it’s based on my LIFE. And according to Irma I “need to be put in a home or get life alert”

9. My asshole-no-underwear-wearing-take-pictures-of-their-butts-with-my-camera-family told me to Google “BLUE WAFFLE” (do it, go ahead, it’s cool, but not you Mom. Mom DO NOT GOOGLE IT, for real)
Ya. That almost made me puke. But I didn’t. I just spent the next 2 hours trying to find how TO NEVER GET BLUE WAFFLE! You can’t avoid it apparently. Or you can if you never have sex. So I am way ahead of the rest of you fuckers. Good luck with that.

10. I am a mysterious creature, its no secret. But I didnt know I could wooo a man with my thumbs's's. All three of them? ugh, I dont understand?

My thumbs said SO MUCH TO YOU? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

There are like 25 other pictures of me, and THIS is the one that moved him? Does he think I have 3 hands? 2 right thumbs? WTF?

Meh....Thats all I got.

Oh and I messed up my layout. So enjoy this goofy format for now.
Godspeed!

At least he did'nt drag it out for a couple months?

2011-08-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

I have not been on Match.com in a couple months…

I log on today. Here’s the first email I get...I think it went well.

Ya I LEARNED. Thank you ole wise jerks.

2011-08-03T16:26:00.000-05:00

If one more person asks me "And what did you learn?" regarding my slew of tickets in 2 weeks....I swear fo moses I'm gonna stab them in the face.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED? I LEARNED THAT EVERYONEEEE SPEEEEEDS, Ya, all you fuckers! SPEEED. I got CAUGHT.

Here is what I learned from these tickets and this whole shitty week in general:

1. ITS SUPER FUCKIN EXPENSIVE TO GET TICKETS! THATTTTT IS WHAT I LEARNEDDDDDD.

2. IT COSTS A BUTT TON OF MONEY.

3. MY ROUTE TO WORK IS A TRAP

4. COPS DO NOT FIND ME FUNNY

5. COPS LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MUSTACHES. I seriously only thought that was on TV.

6. They give me migraines.

7. Dude’s SUCK. No really, fuck off.

8. ER doctors will put you in a freakin Rip Van Winkle COMA if you are not CLEAR about your symptoms.

9. Irma is the best.

10. When a dude demands that you NOT COME TO HIS DOOR…don’t. Just let him sit in horror and wonder all night contemplating if I am JUST CRAZY enough to STILL COME TO THE DOOR?

11. Doing this will irritate the rash on his abdomen. That somehow makes me feel better about #10

Ya so, Happy Birthday to ME.

Maria 1: Hey Maria it’s almost your birthday? I got you a sweet present!

Maria 2: REALLY! I love presents! YA ME/US!!!!

Maria 1: Here, it’s your OWN driver’s license back. Enjoy that.

Maria 2: Oh thank you!!!! That’s just what I wanted! Oh and to pay kidney prices for it! Please tell me you did!?

Maria 1: Fuck yes I did!

Maria 2: SWEET! Best week-up-to-Wednesday, EVER.

Fuck.

NOTIFICATION OF NOTICE OF BEING NOTED

2011-06-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

This document has been talked about for several years now. It is compiled of the most common dating scenarios that I have run into & hilarious conversation between me and Irma (my constant). (click here to recap)

But I think it would work for any woman really.

Ladies, things to remember!

1. Don’t be bitter. It makes your face look like a walnut & you’ll never get another date.

2. Have a fuckin sense of humor. It totally makes you look thinner.

3. Crying in the bathing tub is strictly reserved for HORRIFIC heartache, domestic violence or death (if he was on good terms). Other than that, say “Mehh” or “Fuck this noise” and let that bird flyyyyy. If it is meant to be…I don’t know. Bird will come back…

4. Therapy helps. No really, do that shit.

That’s it. En-hoy!

NOTIFICATION OF NOTICE OF BEING NOTED

Dear [insert name here],
If you are receiving this note, I am sorry, not sorry to you, but for you.
I am emailing you from the past, to let you know this date has been noted for future reference and clarity.

Today, [MM/DD/YYYY], is the day that you: (check all that apply)
[ ] Started showing signs of mild retardation.

[ ] Started behaving strangely – enough to cause valid suspicion

[ ] Started communicating/responding to contact in a “To Catch a Predator” fashion.

[ ] Made shit weird leading this relationship down a slippery slope of deterioration.
[ ] Were eaten by a whale and I haven't heard from you (don't know why).
[ ] _________________________________________________________________

Or, you did something fucking stupid and are too emotionally retarded to: (check all that apply)
[ ] admit it
[ ] deal with it

[ ] say sorry
[ ] care enough about me to correct the matter
[ ] dead

[ ] _______________________________________________________

Your behavior has suddenly changed due to: (check all that apply)
[ ] guilt (specify below)

[ ] an ex-girlfriend

[ ] inappropriate contact with another woman (please see rules of acceptable contact)

[ ] overall disappointment in yourself for behaving like an 8^th grader

[ ] your love of video games/porn

[ ] hidden drug or alcohol abuse

[ ] inability to verbalize emotions, wants or needs

[ ] your pride was touched softly

[ ] incarceration/detainment

[ ] minor head injury

[ ] major head injury
[ ] stupidity

[ ] a sudden short term “freak out” due to unfamiliar feelings of caring, love or vulnerability
[ ] immatureness
[ ] unknown reasons or
[ ] death
[ ] _______________________________________________________

This date has been noted based on your following actions: (check all that apply)
[ ] abrupt failure to contact me
[ ] a significant dwindling interest in me

[ ] appearance on Maury, To Catch a Predator, Americas Most Wanted or any shows like these.
[ ] failure to make contact with me for more than 22 hours
[ ] failure to make contact with me for more than 10 hours, if our last encounter was sexual.
[ ] one of the reasons prior to this step

[ ] you died
[ ] _____________________________________________________________

Your actions have damaged this attempt at dating, causing all further contact between us (if any) to be: (check all that apply)
[ ] horribly awkward
[ ] unwanted

[ ] seriously restricted until it has been specified that the reason for contact is to address this NOTE.
[ ] poor attempts to "be a nice guy"
[ ] attempts to stop me from hating you
[ ] restricted to pathetic Facebook "likes"

[ ] available for revaluation after appropriate amount of “break-up time” has passed. (Approx. 3mo.-1yr)
[ ] death
[ ] ___________________________________________________

Because of this noted action, as of today [MM/DD/YYYY], I will: (check all that apply)
[ ] keep this note until this all plays out in one of the above ways
[ ] hope you get your head out of your asshole
[ ] cry in the bath tub like a crazy person

[ ] make no further attempts to contact you if your attempts have decreased for any of the above reasons
[ ] revoke all access to soft parts
[ ] tell my best friend and or constant:

[ ] odd or socially unacceptable habits
[ ] your sexual performance issues

[ ] secrets you told me

[ ] everything, then make fun of you
[ ] feel very sorry for you and your inability to make a relationship work with a beautiful, smart, independent, understanding, caring, sexy & damn funny woman
[ ] wish you Godspeed with your dating adventures
[ ] laugh when you get a skank pregnant

[ ] point and laugh when I see you out with a hot mess of a chick

[ ] point and laugh when she keys your car, acts crazy in public, takes your money or turns you into a mini-van driver. (Remember this could have been avoided)
[ ] _______________________________________________________________

It is estimated that the future of our relationship will last approximately (check all that apply)

[ ] 1 week from today
[ ] 2 weeks from today
[ ] 1 month from today
[ ] ________________________________________________________________

Currently you are in a status of: (check all that apply)
[ ] "Noted" - a verbal acknowledgment between best friend/constant and me, that your behavior is a showing signs of being a failure.
[ ] "Verbal" - you have verbally been made aware of the noticed changes, by me.

[ ] "Cold Case" - not available for contact, but will be notified when found.

[ ] “Listed” – you will be contacted in a drunken rage by me, preferably at the worst moment for you.

[ ] "FAIL" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have turned into a pussy instead of a man and have eliminated yourself.

[ ] "DISMISSED" - you have been "noted" & kindly "verbally" made aware (more than once) of the noted changes, your behavior, unacceptable dating etiquette or the impending demise of our relationship and have failed to recoup your once golden status. Leading to your dismissal by me.

Should you attempt to contact me after 3 or more weeks of FAIL or DISMISSAL you will:[1] (check all that apply)

[ ] be sent to the back of the line and lose all priory accumulated points. Resetting your status to before our first date.
[ ] considered
[ ] beaten within an inch of your life by my family
[ ] ignored
[ ] ___________________________________________________________________

Tips & Tricks
- Don't be a dick.
- Be good to me, I'll be good to you.
- You know how to treat a woman, if you cannot do this, fail yourself out.
- Learn how to say sorry
- Watch porn if you need to
- Don’t watch too much porn
- If you don't know what a "constant" is please catch up on the last 2 seasons of LOST
- If you have a nose bleed, were too late, and this note is null and void. You're gonna want to find you're constant for the next steps.

Thank you & consider yourself warned.

[My Name]

[MM/DD/YYYY]

[Witness/Constant]

[MM/DD/YYYY]

[Notary]

[1]

[i] You will try to contact me again when the planets align or you get your head out of your asshole and realize you fucked up. They always call….

(Heysus, 2011) Heysus, Big Butter. 2011. Ms. Chicago, IL, USA : My fingers, June 01, 2011.

You. Officer. Are are CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER. GOOD DAY! I say GOOD DAY!

2011-06-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Driving to work, behind a cop is always a bitch. So for 3 miles I stay behind him la la la…

Almost to work, I hooks a left, turning into the left lane as the law states. Now I am behind 6 cars & the cop ALL IN THE LEFT LANE going 34 MPH. Ok fine.

I need to turn right soon. In the middle of switching lanes…WHAM! He breaks, flies behind me and throws on the lights. WTF!

I pull over, totally confused. He comes up to my window…in full on rage of fury, SCREAMING at me!

Cop: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!? (Doing the tilted head over the sunglasses fuckhead move)

Me: What? (Totally confused, because I just got pulled over damn near from the SIDE of my vehicle)

Cop: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!? WITH PEOPLE GOING THE SPEED LIMIT!!?

Me: Umm, no. I wasn’t speeding.

Cop: YOU PASSED ME!!!!!!!!! (Vein popping)

(Holy shit, this dudes REALLY PISSED)

Me: I barely made it to the right lane before you all of a sudden were behind me with lights on! I couldn’t have been speeding, I haven’t GOTTEN ANYWHERE.

(Me trying not to get arrested & attempting to control the slew of WHATS, FUCKS & ASSHOLE’s trying to fly out of my mouth)

Cop: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

(Second cop car pulls up)

Me: Excuse me? (Am I being punk’d? Well officer, there are A LOT of things wrong with me…)

Cop: DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?

Me: Ah, somewhere between 34 and 37? Depending on your radar? (But you didn’t RADAR ME when I was BEHIND YOU FUCKHEAD so really YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW FAST I WAS GOING, I am not amused by your fuckin riddles.)

Cop: SO YOU THINK ITS OK TO SPEED?!!!

Me: No, (yes) I need to turn right soon, so I switched lanes that’s all…

Cop: LISCENCE AND INSURANCE.

Me: Oooook.

So he waits for THIRTY MINUTES while I try to find my new insurance card in my truck and in my email account.

Anyways I got a “warning” I assume only because I was “smiling” through this whole ordeal. Because I really thought I was dealing with a crazy person.

I am still in shock at the fucking ridiculousness of this. If I was wrong I’d SAY IT and take the ticket and deal with it! I mean I have gotten well deserved tickets before (see below) and it was half as much of the I-GOT-CAUGHT-WITH-A-BOY-IN-THE-HOUSE-KIND-OF-SCREAMING-FATHER like as this asshole. This dude had SERIOUS issues.

Whatevs. Its a warning. A WARNINGGGGGG.

V-Necks for life.

Dead foot skin towel....remains The Best Easter EVER.

2011-04-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this story with this:

I share this story with you at GREAT embarrassment to myself (and my cousin) It covers almost everything a girl should NOT do. BUT it is by far one of the funniest things to happen in my family and must be shared. So here you are…

It is Easter Day, Me (Malina), my Brother…we’ll call him “Mot” and my cousin…”Ekim” just finished a HUGE dinner at my other cousin "Irol's" house. We come back to my apartment to relax…Mot is watching a race on TV and Ekim is reading. So I find this a good time to catch up some much needed foot maintenance. I bust out the cheese grater contraption and file all my dead skin worries away into a towel on the floor. I take the towel outside and dump what dead skin I can into the bushes and throw the towel on top of the washer, and go on about my life.

Fast forward to a couple hours later….

The big dinner has kicked in for all of us…Mot is sleeping in a turkey/pie coma in the bedroom and Ekim is in the bathroom…well you know. And I have a bubbling stomach…BAD. I go into the bedroom where Mot is sleeping soundly to get something and “let one slip”. It was bad…really bad...it smelled like Israeli feet and burnt corn chips.

So I jet out into the hallway giggling and run into the kitchen.

As soon as I get in the kitchen Ekim comes walking up the hallway and SCREAMS "OH! MY! GOD!!!!! WHAT! WHAT IS THAT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Apparently I wafted into the hallway a bit…

So he runs into the kitchen frantically looking for something to mask the smell, I am roaring laughing which wakes up Mot, who gets up to see what all the commotion is about.

Ekim can’t find anything, so he grabs the first thing he could find to cover his face…that’s right. He grabs the dead foot skin towel from on top of the washer to cover his mouth to breathe in.

My response to this was not: “OH EKIM, NO! Not that towel it has dead skin foot chunks in it!”

My response was: slam to the floor crying laughing and pointing…

He realizes what he is LAUGHING AND BREATHING into and immediately starts puking in the trash can.

To which my response is: pee my pants on the kitchen floor. Everywhere. Which makes him puke more.

Mot is totally confused, looking at his sister laughing hysterically in a puddle of pee and his cousin throwing up in the trash can.

Ekim hates me at this point so after a good time spent laughing I get cleaned up and come back out to face him. We decide lets all go out for a smoke and analyze how this incident happened.

We meet my neighbors Zot and Moe out there and they want to hear the story! So I begin to tell them. But with the incident still being fresh, I couldn’t get through it without peeing my pants AGAIN…right there in the hallway on the cement. Not my proudest moments but even typing this, I am laughing.

Lessons Learned:

Let little Korean ladies do your feet.

Do not drop bombs in enclosed spaces.

Do not make me laugh standing up, I have a weak bladder and it doesn’t end well.

Love your family unconditionally.

Ya, I'm just gonna keep making up boyfriends in my head. Its cool.

2011-04-14T13:36:00.006-05:00

Ok – The new round of online dating warrants a post.

To be fair, here is my profile…Don’t judge! Your gonna have to click the pics to read this crap & get the full effect, but totally worth it.

(I used to have a serious, nice, schmoopie kinda profile…but that didn’t work either)

Its not that I care about a guy having a BMW or a Benz, its the psycholgy of it!

Think about every dude you've seen in a 1996 Ford Mustang...I'll wait.

He was a DOUCHE WASNT HE?! YES!

Look, my first car was a MUSTANG it was DOPE! Because it was so dorky that it was cool. A hatchback, burgandy & had cloth seats. Awesome. Like this gem. (but not as cool)

* Shelby's do not count. Its the douche canoes in-between so dorky its cool & Shelby!

Ok continue...

Hi, Hi, Hi....are you ALL OKKKK?

Hey fuckface...Out of allllll the words in the english language, you chose BIG MOMMA to use when attempting to speak to me? REALLY? Thats the best you could fucking muster up?

Here's a new rule. Dont EVER, EVERRRR use the words BIG or MOMMA when talking to any woman other Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence. Douche.

I WOULD NOT like to imagine. Thanks. I just did. Now I hate you more.

A CASTLE! FOR MEEEEE!!!! I'm so lucky that you ran out of YOUR comfort zone into MINE and made an exception for this pretty lady.

Bring your orange friend! we are gonna cuddle it the fuck up!

And a few dudes who have viewed me.

I didnt even notice he does like sleeves...missed that the first 6 times I stared at this trying to figure out WHY?

Again...Dudes...KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. ON. ON YOUR BODY! at all times. Seriously. We dont wanna see your nipples. Young or old, we DONT WANNA SEE.

When we do wanna see, we will tell you.

This proves my point EXACTLY.

The fact that he found my profile out of millions. Stopped.

Built up enough pissyness to email me.

PROVES MY POINT.

I have seen mens profiles saying shit like NO CHUBBIES & NO FAT CHICKS. I dont email the guys to stand up for all chub-chubs around the world! I move the fuck on.

YES. Yes I do believe that.

Maria, what do gay horses eat?

What Tommy?

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

And a lovely conversation I had with Uma today...

Me: I don't even know what to sayyyyyyy

Uma: you are gonna say... lets go out on a date.

Me: but I don’t know what CLAP EM CHEEKS MEANS!

And...Wait. Is his name foreveraloneJPG? The JPG is PART OF THE NAME LOL
he is either hysterical or a total nut job. I'm so confused LOL

Uma: clamp em cheeks means put his hands on your cheeks and squeeze and make yo face squishy. He’s cute... go out with him

Me: this is how I know my brain is fucked. The only “clappin of cheeks” I am familiar with is like stripper...booty clappin kinda cheeks. Where did my life go wrong?

Uma: well, maybe he means it in a sexual way... only one way to find out.

Peace.

Small update of Huh?

2011-03-14T14:24:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone!

I’m cleaning out the pictures in my phone. I grab things that make me giggle, smile or say awwwww…so here we go!

Mountain Dew lip balm anyone? I don’t really know what to say…but I think this is where redneck babies come from.

Hey Pandora, Thanks for the NUVA-RING play list. It’s just what I needed to make my playlists complete.

OK OK I’ll do my homework!

Awesome game with Uma....

Words it wouldnt let me play....bastards.

A Camel can be a whore, cant it?

And the BEST scrabble game ever....all based on dirty-ish/sex words.

And awwwwww...

Sweet…

NOTED.

POOR packaging choice.

A beaver bit off my other Areoli. WHAT?

2011-02-26T15:16:00.013-06:00

I have a love/hate relationship with my new game, “Words with Friends”. It’s like scrabble but not.

I love it because I am awesome & can play with my friends. I hate it because it wont let you play words you would play in a real game of scrabble. Like NIZZLE, BUTTSEX or JO. This is the point of scrabble damn it! To convince your friends that these ARE REAL WORDS. If I wanted to play a game of wit or thought I would play chess or do math.

Here are some awesome words I TRIED to play but it wouldn’t let me. (bullshit)

Vulvi is a word! Its the singular version of Vulvas! And the same for Aeroli. Some people only have one nipple!

I won a game by playing PEED as my last word. (short for PEDOPHILE) UYD would be proud.

Then the most awesome game between me & Uma. For obvious reasons...

I still love the game...and I'm determined to get dirty/singular nipple words into it!

My minds eye has metal in it.

2011-02-26T00:38:00.000-06:00

Update of the past few weeks…

I had a crazy ass dream. I thought this dream was about a dude I know but in hindsight, it may have been a warning to myself. It was super vague and could have been interpreted in a million ways. Anyone who knows me knows my “dreams” are a cluster fuck of details that make no sense but somehow always come together.

A few of the dream things:

Evil, harmful dark haired people. Pain.

I took this as my friend’s evil ex-girlfriend. Makes sense right?

Piercing eyes.

Mehh. He has awesome eyes that’s an easy one.

I act then think. He thinks then acts.

Ya that’s me.

I relay the “reading” to him and proceed to act like a bi-polar asshole on crank. But that’s not what this post is about! FOCUS!

So going on about my life I continue with the condo remodel while you all were sleeping. I build this monster box type thing to store all my canvas’s out of the way. I painstakingly learn how to properly use carriage bolts so the 8’ x 2’ shelf doesn’t fall off the wall and kill me. I’m a cutting, drilling, lifting machine!

Sunday night - I have these screws that are sticking out. So I bust out the cutoff saw and cut them off. Duh. I noticed a spark hit me in my eyelid but no big deal. Later I’m cleaning up saw dust and notice my eyes itch like hell! I scream MROZ. Mroz is my friend who scratched his cornea with a zipper and had to wear a patch. And I called him a pirate. And would great him with a nice ARGGHHHHHHHHHH!

So my immediate thought was KARMA.

OH MY GOD NO! My worst fear EVER is getting something in my eye. I can’t wear contacts, touch my eye & the thought of it makes me want to claw my own skin off.

Monday morning – I decide officially SOMETHING IS IN MY EYEBALL. So I act like a big girl and go to the doctor.

“You have a foreign metal object in your cornea” Ya. Then she proceeds to use a syringe needle to “flick” out the metal piece. Then DRILLS out the rust ring from my cornea. So, yes. My fear of eyeball touching is over. Thanks for my rapid exposure therapy doctor.

After some tests and eye drops I’m all good now. Ya me. But let’s revisit the “dream”

Evil, harmful dark haired people. Pain. ßThat’s ME.

Piercing eyes. ß That’s ME piercing my own eyeball.

I act then think. He thinks then acts. ß That’s ME with my face in the line of sparks.

I don’t think I’ll ever have my own TV show for my awesome psychic abilities. Damn it.

Inappropriately Refreshing Ikea Illumination of Epiphany

2011-01-26T14:40:00.003-06:00

Writing about boys or my actual feelings it not really my thing here on Big Butter but sometimes is ok right?

So, 3 years ago I had my heart ripped out by the Cuban. So I did what the magazines say and took a year off to “find myself” which worked out fine for the first year, I guess. No dates, no nothing. Good so far right?

The next year I got some wild hair up my ass and thought it would be a good idea to check in on the dude I didn’t want to marry in Nashville 4 yrs before. That didn’t work out and reminded me that my poor decision making in men isn’t quite fined tuned yet. So add on another full year and here we are. 3 years later.

Aside from a good yearly breakdown, I have been totally fine being single. I started going to school again and have a great outlook on life. There is a guy that I really like but he has his head up his ass so what can I do. That was a big kick to the ute. Whatevs.

This brings us to last weekend…

I decide I need to declutter/organize my condo. So I pick out this gigantic bookcase from ikea, destroy my art studio area to make room for it and go to get this bookcase.

I get my huge cart and go to aisle. Then! I get a how-have-you-been kind of email from the ex . I haven’t spoken to him in a year! Not since I told him I would have him arrested for stalking and possibly shoot him with a tranquilizer gun. I delete it and focus on the bookcase.

Ok 3 boxes, ok. Then I see in big red wording along the package “THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE”. And that’s when all hell broke loose in Ikea.

The combination of being on the verge of cat lady syndrome + the ex’s email + the cluster fuck of liking a dude and it not going anywhere + THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE = Complete nuclear meltdown in Ikea aisle.

I screamed FUCK THIS! (outloud) leave my cart, call Irma, crying & spitting out a million words per second.

Me (all in one breath & bawling/laughing): DUDE! Thisfuckingbookshelfsays I needTWOpeople! I DONOTHAVETWOOOOO PEOPLE! GODDAMNIT! and******emailedme!WHY! OHBECAUSE ITS HISBIRTHDAYTODAY! FUCKHIM! FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! Whyhave I doneallthisfuckingwork tobehappywithmyself andfigureoutshit justto getshitonat Ikea! And Iactuallylike****andhe likesme! Butweare never gonnameet! I dontneedmorefriends! I needafuckingperson to helpmeget thisfuckingbookcase togetherbefore I become a hoarderandstart shitting inWalgreensbags! Andhavedeadcatsin myclothes! fuckthisshit! I leftmycart intheaisle& whyam Icrying!whatthefuckishappening!!!! ButI’mNOTok apparently! Becausethis shit, thisshitthatisgoingdown rightnowwww isn’tOK!

Irma: Umm, Maria.

Me: yes?

Irma: first. Did you take your meds?

Me: WHAT! YES!! AND FUCK YOU! My life is crumbling in IKEA damn it!

Irma: OK OK! I just wanted to check because sometimes you know you don’t get them with the mail order and all…

Me: ya that’s true. Sorry.

Irma: Ok, slow down…and what the fuck did you just say? Ikea? the dude? A bookshelf? Dead cats? An email? Its your birthday?

Irma does her sanity check / best friend magic and I came back to reality quickly. So I spend the weekend hating IKEA, how they don’t include screws and shit with their products & how everything is in Swedish Meatballs language.

I decide that aside from my meltdown in IKEA, I should prolly start dating again. What’s a gal to do in the twenty-elevens? I don’t go out, my friends are married, guys at school are socially inept. Fuck it. I decide to do match.com. Again…If anything it is always good for a laugh right? (See these gems from before)

One of the first dudes who “winks” at me is this gem.

Now before you people get all pissy with me. They wanna be treated like equals, right? Don’t be get all wishy washy because he’s in a wheelchair. Perhaps youuu have the problem with him being a wheelchair? Maybe you’re the discriminating one, Huh? Ya think about that. LOL

It’s the COMBINATION OF WHEELCHAIR & HIS LAVISH KNOWLEDGE OF WOMEN.

You’re an “EX-PIMP”? And your name is “GOLDIE”?

“she don't need illumination, (she glows in the dark)” I know what illumination means, thank you.

I decided not to “wink” back at him. For a million reasons but mostly because when I read his profile this scenario popped in my head.

Goldie: Hey girl, hey (all sweet and pathetic like) come err, how you doin? How was your day? Good? That’s nice. You look nice...Then grabs my neck and SLAMS MY FACE ONTO HIS TIRE! BITCH! I TOLD YOU TO WEAR DEM GREEN PANTIES! (and smacks me with anything in his reach)

Me: Why do I have to wear the green ones?

GOLDIE: CUZ DAT’S DA CULA OF MONEY HO! And slaps the shit out of me. SILLY HO!

Soooo at this point I think I have 2 choices.

1. Invest in some cats.

2. Stay away from IKEA.

Godspeed BITCHES!!!

Oh Uma Lou...

2011-01-26T10:58:00.000-06:00

Irma sent this to me with this message...
"I should get this on a sweater shirt for you"

Funny and true. Minus the sex part!?

Did Madea just do that? Where'd you go? I just threw up a lil in ma mouth...

2011-01-24T15:05:00.000-06:00

I have list of things to be posted on BBH. I don’t have time to do them all, so I have decided to just start knockin out this list. People are talking shit about me not posting anymore so here’s a lil nugget for ya.

One day I was hanging out with my cousin Mikey or you may know him as Ekim. Ok wait; let me fill you in a bit about Mikey just in case you haven’t read the other posts about him such as…Dead Foot Skin Towel, Bathroom Guide , I see your germiness and raise you one, SINNER or Damn you Vodka where are my pants!

He is hilarious. Is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. He tends to puke easily and has issues with choking on his food. For real, he takes a bite and a drink immediately, food and liquid in the mouth at the same time. Beef stew & milk…Pizza & water…just so he doesn’t choke. Food can’t be mixed together on the plate though. He hates creamer…and midgets equally. He has a pristine shower ritual consisting of washing everything in order head to toe, three times. So for years he was just 3 times cleaner than the rest of us. Then Old Spice came out with their 3X Clean, High Endurance Body Wash…which technically makes him 9 times cleaner than us.

Anywho…I tell you all this so you can understand the severity of the trauma this story inflicted on him. It’s gross for a normal person to witness but for a Mikey, its atomic melt down level.

We are leaving Old navy one day which of course has a Marshall’s store right next door. We get in his truck and are discussing what to do next when we see a car a row ahead of us that catches our attention.

There are two large, old African American ladies attempting to get out of the vehicle. They both look like Tyler Perry’s Madea.

Ok that’s fun to watch for a second. But once they get out of the Ford Tempo, we watch them converge around the back passenger door and are looking around the parking lot very suspiciously. As if they are checking for security guards or ninjas? Ok they totally have our attention now. What are they gonna do? They don’t seem very spry so whatever they are planning is gonna be awesome right? I am praying they are gonna do something like that lady who took a shit on a sidewalk or something!

This is what goes down…
Lady #1 gets a Marshalls bag out of the back of the car, removes a shoe box, takes out a pair of beat up sneakers and puts it all on the trunk.
Lady #2 plays “look out” / “friend to lean on”
Lady #1 attempts to stand on one leg while holding her friend for stability, she removes the shoe that she is wearing on her foot…puts it to her mouth and proceeds to LICK IT FROM HEEL TO TOE and all around the shoe. Puts it in the shoe box and puts on the old sneaker.
Not like a little stick your tongue kinda deal either. Like a open the mouth as wide as you can full on LICK.

She does the same process for the foot. At this point I am screaming/crying/laughing in the truck. Mikey is dry heaving and laughing.
We watch the ladies take the freshly licked/cleaned up shoes into Marshalls, to what we assume was a return. By now Mikey is out of the truck and I can’t tell if he is puking or laughing so hard he is gagging. Either way it was one of the best spotting of total ghetto-ness witnessed and I am glad to have shared it with cousin Mikey.

Who doesnt love Ed Hardy shit? on everything? everywhere? You? Well thats no fun.

2010-12-14T12:28:00.000-06:00

My family is in the car business, people know this. Being in this business involves dealing with trade-ins. So they get Somalian minivans that fucking reek of Axe body spray, cars with lots of french fries & those little stick people on the back windows…mehhhhh.

A while ago I was home visiting, I went by the car lot to grab something and here comes my brother… “Hey, don’t leave yet, I forgot I have a present for you. I saved it out of a trade in, because I know you’ll LOVE it”

Me: “Presents!?” What could it be? A laptop? Diamonds? Money?

Brother: “Ok get out of your truck; I have to put them in”

Me: “Ohhhh! INSTALLATION!” This is gonna be awesome, right?

Brother (almost about to explode with asshole-ish-ness) “There ya go, When I saw them I thought of you”

Me (running to my truck to see): “WHAT THE FUCK…are you serious? WHO…WHY..would…WHERE…WHYYYYYY!!!!! Who the fuck BOUGHT THIS SHIT!? BRING THEM TO ME! The people! I must see them!” laughing hysterically.

Brother: “Your not gonna leave them in there are you?”

Me: “FUCK YES I AM. What else would you do with Ed Hardy FLOORMATS than wipe your feet on them, and giggle every time?”

Brother: “Oh my god, Maria...For real?”

Me: “You love me. And its a present! given with LOVE!”

Brother: "Jesus, your weird"

Me: "YOU LOVE MEEEEE!"

Brother: "yes, yes I do. Mehhhhh"

I now rock these ultra lame Ed Hardy floor mats in the truck, to embarrass my family, friends, strangers & to make myself giggle. Mostly to make myself laugh.

*I dont feel bad for embarassing my Brother...He is also the asshole who did this to me.

Decorate from C****mas, but dont say Christ or Joy or Lights....

2010-12-08T11:55:00.001-06:00

At work it’s “Holiday decorate your cube area time”…shoot me.

I intentionally did not bring up the contest to my co-workers because I didn’t want to get involved in that mess of workplace activity. It pretty much goes down like this…

Wrap cubes in paper, Hang garland and lights on cube walls & Put kitschy Santa statues on cubes…

It’s all festive and such but very politically correct and proper. Boring. No specific religion, ambiguous children of the “world” stuff…Then it happened.

“Maria we need a theme for our team’s decorating”

“Oh. Ok well let me know what you decide on”

“We can’t think of anything”

“Oh. Ok well let me know what you decide on”

“Can you help?”

^&@#$~!$!_$@*&# Oh my goddddd! I don’t wannaaaa! “Sure”

A week goes by, and I hoped they would forget they asked me…but no

“Ok do land of misfit toys”

“Oh Ok! Like what can we do? Will WE all be the misfits?”

“No, well I won’t. You can dress up if you want but I’m cool.”

“Oh this will be fun! We can bring in boxes and wrapped them in paper”

“oooook”

So I decide to quit being grumpy ass and participate. And if I am playing this involuntary game, I’m doing it my way. You want misfit toys? You want to beat the other teams? DONE.

Monday morning everyone brings in their contributions to the decorating.

Ok we have garland, lights & paper. Déjàvu?

Instead of having a complete Christmas panic attack, I go to my truck and bring in my contributions. I spread out my stuff and observe the completely proper/shocked/confused/slightly embarrassed faces. They have no idea what I could possibly do with this “junk” and want nothing to do with me and my very odd decorations. Ok that’s cool. So I decorate my area and they do theirs.

An hour later we have a ton of people coming through to view the “awesome display!”

Wanna guess which part is “my area”?

Click to enlarge......

OR.....

Addition....

Me: Uma?

Uma: jes? Hello

Me: they just came around and told everyone that the lights on our Christmas cube shit can only be on during a picture time

Uma: LOL

Me: "sustainability"

Uma: greeeeeeeeeeeen lol

Me: ya that’s us

Me: we operate this building at LESS THAN 40%

Uma: LOOOOOOOOOOOL

Me: hence the sweater wrapped around my neck and the knitted fingerless gloves

Uma: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL yes meanwhile I’m sweating the heat is so high

Me: I just looked at her and said. "So Christmas is a waste of energy?"

Uma: LOOOOOOOOOOL

Me: she just looked at me like I was kidding. Thank you workplace once again....

THIS is why I didn’t want to participate in the work shit! Gawd

Uma: lol I know it's retarded

The Christmas Wreath of SHAMEEEEEEEEEE

2010-12-07T18:46:00.000-06:00

Its Christmas time. I LOVE Christmas time (except for pompous choirs forcing figgy purity ring pudding down my throat)
I love seeing my family & friends, shopping, pretty lights! Having trees inside, snow, people’s kid’s heads about to explode with excitement and sugar…all AWESOME THINGS!

Anyone who knows me personally has probably heard of the “Christmas Wreath of SHAME”
No? Well let me spread some joy. At a lovely church craft bazaaaaar in Wyoming, Michigan, I came across a plethora of ornaments for 5-10 CENTS per piece. I gave the dancing nun (for real she danced and sang) I give her $5 and took all of them in a big box. The nun danced and thanked me and I got a box of stuff. Ya me.

What I did not pay for but also went home with was broken marriages, shattered childhoods tinseled with horrible parenting. Ornaments that said things like Babies 1st Christmas, Kelly & John 1985, birthdates, happy moments in people’s lives and a slew of ornaments made with love by kids! Glued, glittered, sewn, Popsicle sticks and coffee filters!
WHO DONATED THESE TO A CRAFT BAZAAR! And sold their children’s MEMORIES for 5-10 CENTS??? SHAAAAME ON YOU!

I have to assume the kind of people who trashed these things; are the same kind of people who have those trees that are A SCHEME. Like the purple and silver tree or the all snowman tree. So there is no place in their anal tree for these true CHRISTMAS ornaments, with their mix and match properties of love.
So I took all the orphaned ornaments and gave them a home. This wreath has since replaced the thought of me ever getting a tree. I am the Angelina Jolie of ornaments, except I am sure all of mine are from Michigan.

Oh what? Its ugly? LOOK AT IT! REMEMBER IT! And If I ever hear you threw out your kids macaroni ornaments because you needed more space for your fuckin minivan in the garage I will cut you. Merry Christmas.

I would like oatmeal & a full madrigal choir for breakfast, please.

2010-12-06T09:37:00.000-06:00

Uma Lou and I go out to a lovely Sunday breakfast at our favorite place; while waiting for our table we start hearing what seems to be choir music…?

Me: Uma, do you hear singing? Or am I about to stroke out?

Uma: umm, no I hear it too.

We both notice that the large table of teenagers sitting right in front of us is saying grace; all holding hands, and singing the prayer in a Victorian era, super white, total church choir style.

Ok. That’s alright I guess? The restaurant breaks out into applause and they all act like oh that was nothing, that’s just how we praise our lord. I am trying to avoid the full panic attack this is sparking in me and we are seated just in time!

Whatevs.

We sit and start eating our delicious oatmeal’s & quiches while trying to ignore the 9 teenagers who keep squezzzzzing through my chair and the lady behind me. We watch them take pictures in their matching hoodies (madrigal choir) and start to count the purity rings. I start keeping a mental list of who is secretly sleeping with whom; but not wanting the others to know because of their pact.

Oh ya they are leaving! Oh wait…what are they doing? Oh Jesus.

Here is how the rest of the breakfast went….

After the second random outburst of music I couldnt help it, I had to record it, while almost choking on my food.

Enter this word in the blank "HAIW#$rha9D-1432hjkfca-(#$Q)_FHAFOLAFJIO#470124hjfkdasf8702432"

2010-10-07T15:08:00.000-05:00

As annoying as the little “verify your real” & enter this ridiculous word mess in the blank is…

This one actually made me giggle. Strong work in the choice of “CAPTCHA” verification LinkedIn…

If the art school children are our future...we're fucked.

2010-10-06T15:58:00.005-05:00

I have this ongoing problem at school…

Night classes are a mix of younger and older students. I am not OLD but to them I might as well be 79.

The intellectual difference between the two groups seems slightly disturbing to me. And honestly makes me fear the future of the United States.

1st day of English II:

Instructor: Let’s get to know who you are. Please introduce yourself & tell us what your background is? Hobbies/interests? Career goals? What is an interesting fact about you? Easy enough right?

So I jot down what I am gonna say…

Me: My name is Maria D’Angelo

Background: I have a degree in Production Art & Graphic design, almost 15 yrs experience in SAP Software in IT, Finance & Sales/Distribution.

Hobbies/interests: I have been creating & selling my artwork for about 7 yrs and am working on growing my business.

Career goals: I already work in a corporate environment and hope to use BA of Fine Arts Degree along with my business experience to switch careers from IT to a more art driven career.

Interesting fact: I just completed a huge art contest and I am double jointed as fuck.

The class starts their Intro’s…

Dude #1 (who kept his douche-nozzle sunglasses on all class): "my dad is black my mom is Mexican" umm? Not that kinda background dude...UGH

Dude #2 (in full Columbine trench coat & what seemed to be a washed wool sweater on his head or it was his hair I couldnt tell): "I collect & sell Pokémon cards and at one time owned 27 rabbits, I used to show em at the fair"
Me, in my head: *In my brain this equals "I collect little boys in the cellar on my farm and have their pinkies in my pocket right now" Your going to kill me, dont make eye contact, dont make eye contact, dont make eye contact...want a candy bar?Umm excuse me, Mr. Columbine; is that HAY in your hair? I have been staring at the back of your head for about 30 minutes and yup! I definitely think its HAY. And your face is making me ITCH.

Chick #1: in a straight valley girl voice “Umm, I like just opened a Wet Seal store at the mall, ya. And I wanna do fashion merchandising”

Instructor: What program are you in?

Chick #1: “like the fashion one, ya know”

Instructor: “The Fashion Design-Bachelor of Fine Arts Program or the Fashion Marketing & Management-Bachelor of Fine Arts Program?”

Chick #1: “Ya, that one”

Instructor: “ok…NEXT”

Me: ya teacher, you got it right. She wants to work at the slutty club clothing store and make stuff look prettttttty. Don't you understand?

Chick #2 (wearing a hoodie covered in DG logo's, skinny jeans, open toe stiletto boots covered in brass BALLS, a fake coach bag, leopard case on her blackberry and fake "Juicy" sunglasses on her head): "I aspire to work at DOTS, ya know the clothing store, cuz I really like fashion and trends ya know, like brands names"

It took everything I had not to stand up and say:

My Name is Maria, people call me Maria, but my family calls me Shinauvulva-qay but the F is silent.

Background: Moms Norwegian, like you know from the Nether-land, or is it the Nor-Way? Dads Sicilian, its little island by Mexico.

Hobbies/interests: I like to collect urinal cakes, then ya know like carve characters out of them, ya. Like Pooh, Mickey, Donald Duck…I make eco-friendly maxi-pads, in fun fabrics like puppies & ice cream cones, then selll them on etsy...Oh and I also have a special box that I keep all my toe nail clippings & dead skin in.

Career goals: I wanna work at the mall, like a Orange Julius or like Auntie Ann’s Pretzels. Not like Starbucks I think you gotta pass a test or something there. And I love brand names like COACH; those bags with the C’s all over them are so cool. I like to look like a Chinese market puked on me. I dont know why I am in college, LOLZ hmmm LATE!

Interesting fact: I’m a cutter, I slap my grand-ma, only shower on Thursdays, wipe back to front, I love Hello Kitty and I my favorite band is Gym Class Hero’s. I like loooove that song about my girlfriend. Wanna fuck? Like Umm, Ya.

WTF! I am in class with DEGENERATES, Probable serial killers & oh excuse me chick; I hate to tell you but YOU CAN WORK AT DOTS RIGHT NOW. They don't require a degree! I don't think you even need a social security number to work there! Leave class right now, run to Woodfield Mall across the street & live out your FUCKING DREAMS!

God help us.

Uhh Yeah Dude - Ya Ima stalker what? You gonna send Chris Hansen?

2010-10-05T13:37:00.002-05:00

Everyone knows I LOVE my favorite podcast, Uhh Yeah Dude. Listening to them keeps me sane-ish. I have recruited several friends around the globe and turned them into UYD listeners too! The overall feedback is that Seth and Jonathan are the guy versions of me and Uma Lou. So of course we love them…(and you should too - download them here)

For a while I didnt even want to know what they looked like, because in my mind they were a perfect combination of every of ex-boyfriends good qualities, they were the coolest dudes, with awesome personalities and funny as shit.

But with my luck they would look like my neighbor Timmy from dah 3rd floor..

So I didn’t want to KNOW WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE. After preparing myself that these 2 guys who could possibly look like Slingblade… I had to look, and ya, they’re both hot.

Not a little hot...like "Mehh, I would'nt kick em out of bed for bringin a PB&J sammich in" But HOT...like "Hello" (in a dolphin pitch) and I freeze and RUN away. Because I cant talk to men I think are delicious.

Which made it weird for a while (a while?) But I am past that now and totally respect them for their dedication to the podcast, telling embarassing stories about themselves (then I know I am not the only crazy) and for saying the shit that people want to say but don’t (also the things I say then my mom asks me not to say FUCK so much)

Anyways! Enough with my weird grown woman crush...

I got my friend Trianda hooked on them and demanded she go to their show at The Broad (since she is in LA and I am in Chicago) here is what she sent me. We have been friends since pre-school and now I kind of love her more and hate her at the same time.

Trianda: Missed you!

Trianda: Dude! Jonathan is fucking tall! And hot!!

Ria: I know this...but that's awesome! I am so FUCKING jealous!!!!

Trianda: I told them both about you! And Jonathan plays Chicago a lot with his band! He said he trips when people know UYD! You should find out who he plays with and go see him!

Ria: I will and you are my hero…

Trianda: No...you are! I'm so glad you told me about them! They were so awesome live.....and very nervous! It was cute! They couldn't believe how much they were loved.

Ria: That's why I love them! They aren’t fake holy-ier than thou douches.

Trianda: Yes.....me too! Jonathan had to go peeeeee soo bad and Seth's all "hold it!" LOL

Ria: Sorry I missed it. FUCK!

Then I had to relay Tria’s experience to Uma Lou….

Uma Lou: your friend Trianda is crazy

Ria: ah yessss

Uma Lou: and what's crazier, is how much you hate that she met them LOL

Ria: I DO, SERIOUSLY

Uma Lou: I know you do. I know you.

Ria: crazy passive aggressive hate

Uma Lou: it would be like you meeting Bono

Ria: Bozo?

Uma Lou: FUCK YOU

Ria: EXACTLY.

-------------

Honestly I don’t hate Tria. Well maybe a little. Its jealousy, I can say it. (thank you therapy)

We have plenty of embarrassing memories from growing up and to be fair, in BigButter style I will reveal 1 embarrassing thing about me to help keep the balance of writing this horrible blog…

So. Here ya go. Linda Moon Dance Studio presents the 1991 Dance Recital!

We danced to a catchy little number you may remember….MC Hammer – The Addams Family Soundtrack. Yup.

Yes they are hammer pants.

Yes I had to use an ace bandage & duct tape to keep that tube top from rolling down over my chest. Thank you dress rehearsal.

What do an Asian lady in the rain, Lil Wayne & Employee Tony have in common? A LOT.

2010-09-07T14:26:00.001-05:00

Ria: Nicki, you need to watch this video…
DEA Seeking Ebonics Translator

1. The best you could find was an Asian in the rain?
2. Umm is that Lil Wayne? It is isn’t it…?
3. Classes? WHERE I WANNA GOOOOOOOOO!

Nicki Vit: I’M an EXPERT...all because of Tony
Ria: yup
Nicki Vit: steak fillione
Nicki Vit: wallameone
Ria: LOL
Nicki Vit: filet mignon
Nicki Vit: watermelon
Ria: WOOOOOW
Nicki Vit: cantilopes...scaffold
Ria: WHAT!
Ria: that’s not EVEN CLOSE!
Nicki Vit: do you know tony?
Ria: yes yes yes…I know.
Nicki Vit: check your email...fuckin hilarious
Ria: Nicki
Nicki Vit: Ria
Ria: as fucking stupid as Tony is...this list is god damned GENIUS
Ria: and it’s going on big butter right now! And I need his pic for the viewers of the BigButter Nation

This is Tony...
Tony has worked with Nicki (or “Niggy” as he calls her) for 21 years…he has no qualms about his grammar, sleeping, eating, sex or strange habits. No they dont work at McDonalds. They actually work for a professional company but small enough to have insane employees like this. LOL
I have met Tony several times over the years and have never been disappointed.
The first time I met him, he was wearing a jacket, pants, shirt & tie in the brightest fucking ROYAL BLUE I have EVER SEEN, with matching patent leather shoes…I had to look away. But it did really bring out the pink undertones in his face.
The second time he made a comment about my huge boobs, while locking his eyes with my chest – 5 ft away and sat there frozen for at leasttt 45 seconds…I kinda felt bad for him and thought he was “special”. I said “Does he know I can hear him right now?”
The third time he was in a head to toe blue rayon number…he didn’t speak to me because “he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable, because he looked so good” Which was fine because I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face. All I could think of when I saw him was this pair of Jordan’s I saw at the mall.

The forth was when he called me and wanted to know why I don’t wanna be his girl…and that I need a black man…I told him “No, its specifically YOU I don’t want”

He is quite the catch ladies…he even keeps a BUCKET of Sam’s Club baby wipes in stock “for his ladies”

This is the list of “Tony-isms” that they keep at work….

13 F-Bombs to you IPod Radio Transmitters.....

2010-08-02T14:36:00.000-05:00

Ria: Uma
Ria: can I tell you a story?
Uma Lou: yes
Ria: ok
Ria: I have bought FIVE FUCKING iPod adapters so I can hear my fucking music in my truck and these things are JUNK!
Uma Lou: oh the FM receivers?
Ria: ya
Uma Lou: yeah
Uma Lou: those suck
Uma Lou: all of them
Ria: well one I dropped in coffee but the rest are fucking JUNK
Ria: so
Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ria: I have asked my brother, dad & Steve REPEATEDLY "Are you SURE I don’t have an auxiliary port in here? how can that be??? I have a DVD player in this bitch!???"
Ria: Every one of them...."nope nothing" or "I don’t know"
Ria: so I keep buying these fucking adapters for $50-$90 BUCKS EVERY TIME!
Ria: so my most recent piece of crap, died this morning and I am PISSSSSED
Ria: so I go to Wal-Mart...they have all the junk ones and $99+ ones...eghhh
Ria: so I go to Staples same shit…
Ria: so I go out to my truck bust out the manual and can’t find shit...I get online...can’t find shit. So I say fuck it!
Ria: I get in the back of my truck LOOK at the DVD player….and HOLY SHIT! there are YELLOW, WHITE & RED RCA cables in this fucking truck! and it better play music!
Ria: I spend $14.99 on a RCA CABLE and guess what?
Ria: I plug the RED IN THE FUCKING RED HOLE
Ria: THE YELLOW IN THE FUCKING YELLOW HOLE
Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ria: and the only one left I stick it the HOLE my god damned phone
Ria: and it fuckin works
Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Uma Lou: :)
Uma Lou: you are so smart
Ria: I wanted to call every guy I know on conference call to say FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUU
Ria: SERIOUSLY
Uma Lou: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Ria: with the money I spent on adapters I could have bought a whole new fucking iPod!
Uma Lou: LOL
Uma Lou: that is so sad
Uma Lou: :(
Ria: ya
Ria: and this convo is going on big butter
Uma Lou: as it should
Uma Lou: fuck all your men and your penises
Ria: LOOOOOL
Uma Lou: ooops
Uma Lou: I meant... ALL YOU MEN
Uma Lou: not all YOUR men
Ria: LOOOOOOOOL
Ria: I don’t HAVE any men?
Uma Lou: well
Uma Lou: I didn’t want to say that
Uma Lou: but that's why I’m correcting it
Ria: if I did I would of had that shit working YEARS ago because I would have BEGGED him to fix it
Ria: and used my feminine whilesssss and sexual favors but no.
Uma Lou: oh lawd
Ria: :)
Uma Lou: you could still do that
Uma Lou: with random hot dudes
Ria: I am not fucking a techy geek with skinny arms to get my stereo working...
Ria: HOT DUDES DONT KNOWWWWWWWWWW
Uma Lou: LOL
Ria: :)

Lesson Learned....You can ask all the men you know for "mechanical" advice...but FIRST, you should crawl your big ass in the back of your own truck and LOOK and then THINK (in that order) befoooore you JUST BELIEVE THEM.

Big Butter Heysus

I have that Brain Eating Amoeba Mermaid Fetus Syndrome (BEAMFS)

BBH & Uma Lou on the subject of having children at the same time….

Holly Molly...are you O-K???

Top 10 list of shit that's been going on (or was inhaled) lately.

At least he did'nt drag it out for a couple months?

Ya I LEARNED. Thank you ole wise jerks.

NOTIFICATION OF NOTICE OF BEING NOTED

You. Officer. Are are CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER. GOOD DAY! I say GOOD DAY!

Dead foot skin towel....remains The Best Easter EVER.

Ya, I'm just gonna keep making up boyfriends in my head. Its cool.

Small update of Huh?

A beaver bit off my other Areoli. WHAT?

My minds eye has metal in it.

Inappropriately Refreshing Ikea Illumination of Epiphany

Oh Uma Lou...

Did Madea just do that? Where'd you go? I just threw up a lil in ma mouth...

Who doesnt love Ed Hardy shit? on everything? everywhere? You? Well thats no fun.

Decorate from C****mas, but dont say Christ or Joy or Lights....

The Christmas Wreath of SHAMEEEEEEEEEE

I would like oatmeal & a full madrigal choir for breakfast, please.

Enter this word in the blank "HAIW*#$rha9D-1432hjkfca-(*#$Q)_FHAFOLAFJIO#470124hjfkdasf8702432"

If the art school children are our future...we're fucked.

Uhh Yeah Dude - Ya Ima stalker what? You gonna send Chris Hansen?

What do an Asian lady in the rain, Lil Wayne & Employee Tony have in common? A LOT.

13 F-Bombs to you IPod Radio Transmitters.....

Enter this word in the blank "HAIW#$rha9D-1432hjkfca-(#$Q)_FHAFOLAFJIO#470124hjfkdasf8702432"