My opinion: Being polyamorous is not a sexual identity. I think that what gender you are sexually attracted to is sexual identity (gay, straight, bi, queer, etc.). How many people you want to be having a sexual relationship with at any given time is a relationship type identity or a relationship choice. How someone identifies depends on the person because polyamorous can be something that you innately are or something you do.

For instance, I have never thought monogamously. Not for one moment in my post-puberty life. From the moment I started “noticing” girls I have never felt monogamous-minded. In high school I almost always had more than one girlfriend and they knew I had other girlfriends and sometimes they even knew each other, and in one case they were best friends.

After high school I tried to do the socially expected thing and get married and be monogamous. Sometimes I wasn’t so good at it, and when I was I was miserable, feeling like part of me was missing. I wasn’t being true to myself by being true to the path society expected of me.

So for me, being polyamorous is an identity. I am a straight male (sexual identity) who is innately polyamorous (lifestyle/relationship identity). I don’t “feel” monogamous, and I have never expected it from a partner unless it was agreed upon (such as in my first marriage). I didn’t have to bend my thinking to be polyamorous, it’s just who I am. So it is a type of identity and it’s a valid identity.

However, some think monogamously but try to be polyamorous for their partner or feel it’s how they want to live, even though being polyamorous isn’t a deep-down burning desire and need. They have to change their thinking to be polyamorous. These people “do” polyamory.

This is why I think that being polyamorous can be both an identity or something you do, it’s just not a sexual identity.

Often in the comments section of articles on the Internet about polyamory (or other open relationships) I see people saying things such as “I’ve never seen a successful polyamorous relationship.” Which makes me wonder: what do they consider a “successful polyamorous” relationship to be? What is their benchmark upon which they are holding polyamory and polyamorous relationships up to?

What is the sample size they are basing their statement on? How many polyamorous triads or quads do they know compared to outwardly monogamous couples?

How many outwardly monogamous couples do they know who have broken-up or gotten a divorce?

For that matter, how many above the age of thirty have been divorced themselves or have friends who are divorced? And how many divorced friends do they have?

Of those who aren’t married, how many failed long-term relationships have they had?

Why aren’t these scenarios held to the same standard they are holding a polyamorous relationship to?

What do they consider a successful monogamous relationship to be? 3 years? 5 years? 15 years? Lifetime? How many people do they know that hit any of those marks in their relationships?

And why, when a monogamous relationship does fail, is it not considered a failure? Why can they say “I have never seen a successful open relationship” yet they don’t acknowledge that the majority of outwardly monogamous relationships around them fail?

For instance, if someone has four long term relationships before they get married, and then half of those that get married eventually get divorced, why do people not recognize this as a 90 percent failure rate of monogamous relationships?

So, what is the definition of a successful polyamorous or other type of open relationship, and why does it seem to be different than what some consider a successful monogamous relationship to be?

I think some of it has to do with the popular idea in our society that the only valid relationship is two people who are married. Until someone is married their relationship, regardless of longevity, is not looked at as being a “real” relationship. Therefore people don’t include those several pre-marriage relationships where people were so in love they thought they were moving toward marriage, then BOOM!, it all blows-up and they are heartbroken and eventually they move-on and start the cycle all over again. So they are comparing polyamorous relationships only to married relationships, and not all pair-bondings such as short-term dating, long-term relationships and marriage.

So, what do you think? I’m interested to hear your thoughts.

A brief history of celibacy in the Church. It all started in 305 CE at The Council of Elvira:

(Canon 33): It is decided that marriage be altogether prohibited to bishops, priests, and deacons, or to all clerics placed in the ministry, and that they keep away from their wives and not beget children; whoever does this, shall be deprived of the honor of the clerical office.

You see, before then it was allowable for Catholic priests to have multiple wives and concubines. To protect the Church’s wealth Pope Pelagius I (556 to 561 CE) made new priests agree that any children they had would not be eligible to inherit Church property, however the practice of plural wives and mistresses was still practiced.

Pope Gregory I (590 – 604 CE) later declared all son’s of priests “illegitimate” to further protect Church property (daughters were not a concern since women could not legally hold property anyway). Still the practice of multiple wives and mistresses continued.

Pope Benedikt VIII – The final nail in the coffin for polygamy in mainstream Christianity. In 1022 Pope Benedict VIII (1012 – 1024 CE) banned all marriages and  mistresses for priests and in 1139 Pope Innocent II (1130 – 1143 CE) voided all current marriages of priests and all incoming priests had to divorce their wives. Supporting the numerous wives of clergy and their children had almost bankrupted the Church by this time.

So there you have it. Why polygamy is no longer allowed in the Christian faith. The edict wasn’t from God, it came from the Catholic Church’s bean counters.

Wow. This is a stark reminder of the constant battle and differing views between swingers and polyamorists, both thinking the other is “wrong” or “unethical” or “immoral”.

See, many swingers get their panties all in a wad at the mere mention of feelings and intimacy developing between play partners. They recoil like a surprised snake ready to strike back. And often they do. I can’t tell you the number of times Mrs. Scribbens and I have been on the other side of a scared swinger loudly proclaiming that if feelings were ever to develop between their spouse and someone esle how it would end right there and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Of course this reaction is based solely in fear and insecurity. It’s the fear that if feelings develop they may get left for the other person or not be number one in their partner’s life or that their partner may only love them half as much.

On the other side is the polyamorists. Some seem to think they are an evolved species, far above the lowly, morally bankrupt and unethical swinger because they “love” their partners, not just have sex with them. It’s an arrogant and self-righteous stance taken by some to justify having sex outside their primary relationship; it’s okay because they are “in love” with their third.

Of course this reaction is based on the concept that only sex within a committed relationship is permittable, so they seek and develop several committed relationships to justify having a sexually open relationship. It’s also based in their deep-rooted beliefs from their upbringing that what they are doing is not right, so they proclaim their “correctness” loudly and proudly, demoting some in hopes of elevating themselves in the eyes of others and thus justifying their beliefs to themselves.

The fact is that there is quite an overlap between swinging and polyamory. Imagine if you will two circles, overlapping at one side. In one circle you have the pure swingers and in the other you have the pure polyamorists. However in that overlap area are the swingers that are open to polyamory and the polyamorists who are also open to the purely recreational sex that swinging provides.

Mrs. Scribbens and I fall in that overlap.

We see many other couples in this overlap also. Swingers who become “exclusive” with another couple or a single for quite a while (say 3 – 12 months) and polyamorists who practice what I call “serial polyamory” where they are in a committed relationship with another single or couple for a while (say 3 – 12 months) than move-on to another couple or single. The swinger couple won’t admit they are practicing polyamory in even it’s basic form and the polyamorists won’t admit that they are swinging in even the loosest meaning of the word. But the fact is they are both doing the same thing, just calling the same horse by a different name, and in some case throwing rocks at each other for doing it the way they do because it’s “wrong”, “immoral” or “unethical”.

Mrs. Scribbens and I subscribe to the idea that “Whatever gets you through the night’s alright.” Any form a happy, healthy, loving adult relationship takes is “right” because it’s right for the people involved. Nobody has a right to throw rocks at the other proclaiming that their way of living and managing relationships is any more right than someone else’s. And the people that do so are just as bad as the “traditional” relationship folks that anger them so for judging their alternative lifestyle.

For us, Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding sums it up best: “Here tonight, we have, ah, apple and orange. We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.”

They are not really swingers because based on what Will said they have never had sex with someone else while they’ve been married to each other. They just have an understanding that it is natural human nature to desire other people sexually and that doesn’t mean that you love them, it just means that you lust them and want to have sex with them and that Will and Jada are honest with each other about it.

I respect them for it because they are honest with each other, and can be honest with each other while at least half the people that are shocked and horrified by Will’s statement are hiding things from their partner, and many of them have, are or will cheat on their partner. Will and Jada have simply made a pact to always be honest with each other and to discuss things like this before they could happen.

That’s light years beyond what most couples do. Instead most couples hide their true feelings, dreams and fantasies from each other because knowledge of such may hurt or anger their partner due to their partner’s personal insecurities. They have set themselves up from day one to not be honest with each other in an attempt to save each others feelings and avoid conflict.

Here is the copy and paste from the article:

‘Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural and you’re going to be attracted to people,’ Will explains.

‘So sometimes we have the discussion: “Wow, this or that girl is freaking gorgeous”. I’m not going to say anything to my buddies that’s any different than what I say to my wife.’

And Will, 39, reckons he’ll tell Jada – and she’ll tell him – if they ever find they can’t resist their desire.

‘If it came down to it, then one would say to the other: “Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now I’m not going to do it if you don’t approve of it,”’ he says.

‘In our marriage vows, we didn’t say “forsaking all others”. We said, “You will never hear I did something afterwards”. Because if that happens, the relationship is destroyed.’

But Will’s not sure what he’d do if one day Jada, 38, confides that she does want to take a lover.

‘I don’t know how I’d feel,’ he confesses. ‘But I know I would react better than if I found out about it afterwards.’

You’ll notice that nowhere in there does it say that they have done it, just that they have an understanding that if the opportunity presented itself that they could as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

So I say, “Good for you Will and Jada, you’re a tighter couple than most could ever wish to be.”

An open relationship is any relationship (usually between two partners) where the participants are allowed to have sexual or otherwise intimate relationships with others. Open relationships take on many forms, the most common being:

Open relationship or marriage: This is where one partner or both date others, usually without their primary partner being an integral part of the outside relationship.

Swinging: This is where a married or otherwise committed couple includes other couples and singles in their sex life. This can be through swapping partners in foursomes or moresomes, or just including another single for a threesome. In a swinging relationship sex is usually the focus and intimate, loving relationships are not the norm.

Polyamory: This is where a person carries-on more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory differs from swinging and “open marriages” in that much of the time all three or four or more people involved are either mutual lovers or at least good friends. Some polyamorous relationships include cohabitation and others don’t.

Mrs. Scribbens and I started our open relationship status through swinging, mostly to allow her to experiment with her bi-side. We started by having sex with other couples but along the way included a female or two. Eventually we met a single guy that was just the thing we needed. An emotional relationship developed between Mrs. Scribbens and him, and although at first such a thing was absolutely terrifying to us, when it happened it seemed absolutely natural. In fact, our relationship got better between us because her emotional needs were shared between two men. I no longer had to shoulder everything, and she no longer expected me to.

That was our first excursion into polyamory. There have been many swinging partners in between, and many of them have become very good friends, but we are always open to a polyamorous relationship developing. The idea of each other having someone else in their life that helps complete them is not threatening, but rather exciting and welcome. We love each other greatly, and feel that others only add to that, the idea that Love + Love = More Love. And it does.