There’s a guy—a lawyer actually—who just invented a typeface called Equity. He says all lawyers should use it. Our advice? Ignore him. There are plenty of good and free typeface choices available on the web other than Times New Roman or Aderall, many of which can instantly give you legal street cred and style.

For example, compared to Times New Roman, the following are great typeface choices that scream contemporary lawyer. Used properly, these typefaces can quickly underscore any obscure point you are trying so desperately to make in all that textual writing stuff that you do. Pay attention. You’ll definitely be seeing these fonts soon in the future.

Blazed

Obviously a great typeface choice for arson prosecutions, natural gas explosion matters, and opposing counsel suffering from hemorrhoids. Not so good for admiralty matters or for cryogenic cold storage failures.

Keep on Truckin’

Terrific typeface for exuding groovy confidence, as in “what, me worry?” Use it for briefs in cases in which you are appearing before a judge who was a Nixon or Carter appointee. They’ll get it. And they may actually ask call you aside to talk about the Charlie Daniels Band or ask if you plan to call a “Smokey” to the stand. Awesome, but avoid with any Bush appointees. Ain’t gonna work.

Chinese Takeaway

Great for a pre-lunch hearing in which you have a crappy case and just want to get through the hearing without a lot of questions. It will remind the judge and participants about lunch, which is only a few short hours away. But it also works well in product liability cases involving cheaply made products, whatever their origin.

Old Typewriter

If you’ve never been able to figure out electronic case filing, use Old Typewriter as a font to help deflect the criticism of the court and counsel. One look at this and everyone just feels sorry for you, thinking you are back behind your desk while your secretary types out memos on an old Underwood No. 5. Which, interestingly, is probably true.

You get the picture. With a wealth of free fonts and typefaces out there—and the ease with which you can change font colors—you can easily create reader experiences that no other lawyers will dare copy. Which is perfect. You get the attention you finally deserve for all that wordy stuff you do.

During our travels for speaking engagements and legal tech conferences, we come across some interesting attorneys. Luckily, our reputation helps secure exclusive interviews with some of the more celebrated and well-known attorneys, and we’ve built a solid core of attorney profiles here on Big Legal Brain.

Recently, we met up with Greg Coughlin, a Georgia native who has been practicing fine print law for the last twenty-two years. He is, in fact, one of the most knowledgeable and recognized fine print attorneys in the world. We sat down with him over coffee recently to catch up with what he’s doing and to learn more about the craft of fine print lawyering.

Law school and year of graduation?

I’m a 1990 graduate of Harvard Law School. I was notes editor for the Harvard Journal of International Fine Print Law.

I haven’t heard of that journal

Not many people outside of Harvard or the fine print industry have heard of it. But it’s well-recognized within the small world of fine print law. It’s the size of a typical U.S. postage stamp, so you’re not going to see it on most living room coffee tables.

How about a fine print summary of your career, in 100 words or less?

I deal in fine print and don’t worry too much about counting words, but here goes. Skadden, then FDA enforcement, then a fairly long stint in-house at Pfizer. Brief work for Chase in its credit card services division, then I went into private practice. I’m now officially more a global fine print consultant than an attorney.

What got you into practicing fine print law?

I couldn’t sleep as a kid and was often up late at night. I became obsessed with late night television commercials. Totally obsessed. After I had ordered about $2,000 worth of stuff that I thought was free—or at least within my allowance money—my parents sat me down and explained fine print. I’ve been hooked ever since.

So you were hooked on fine print even as a kid?

Yeah, but I couldn’t read it quickly enough, at least on TV, so I had to figure out how to slow it down or magnify it. Once I did, I was blown away by what I saw. I actually helped come up with a process that later became part of Tivo. True story.

What’s the tiniest print you’ve ever seen for a fine print contract?

Well, here is one [holding out a finger] that would normally be about 75 pages if printed normally. It’s a software licensing contract, standard online stuff. This one, though, fits on the back of the left wing of a flea. I’m simply holding it on one of my fingers. At least I’m pretty sure it’s still there.

No shit?

Yes, shit. But it’s not that unusual. I saw an online contract last week that was the size of a single pixel. The button to click to accept the contract—what we call “the “Agree”—was twenty million times larger than one letter “e” in the contract. Needless to say, the terms of the contract are ridiculously awesome.

Honestly, aren’t they all contracts of adhesion, just waiting for courts to declare them null and void?

No, not at all. The Sixth Circuit ruled last May that, so long as the consumer has a “reasonable and extendable opportunity” to review fine print terms before agreeing to them, the resulting contract is valid and enforceable. And a “reasonable and extendable opportunity” includes the ability to borrow a Gallilean system of microscopes or monoculars. I actually helped advocate for that standard. But, honestly, when push comes to shove, you don’t have to hit “Agree” if you don’t want to. That’s contract 101. High school stuff, if you ask me.

You fine print lawyers must be a boring lot.

Not so much, really. Believe it or not, fine print lawyers are a pretty rowdy bunch. We take our work and craft very seriously but we party hard. There’s a guy—he used to be in-house counsel for Monsanto—who had a 120-page seed distribution contract tattooed on his ass. Except it was in fine print and it fit on a one-inch square portion of his right cheek. It was a tattoo in the shape of a Roundup Ready soybean seed. Wait, it was his left cheek. It was actually done very tastefully.

You’re joking.

I’m dead serious. In fact, Monsanto got into a dispute with a farm cooperative about the seed distribution contract, which involved interpretation issues. The attorney literally got his ass hauled into court. They had him face down on counsel table with about fourteen big firm attorneys around him, staring at his ass through high-powered jeweler’s monoculars. The case ultimately settled, but I still think it’s the only case in which a court admitted an attorney’s ass into evidence.

I’m stumped trying to think of another case, actually.

I keep searching but so far it’s the only one.

Big Legal Brain is pleased to announce that it has been chosen as one of the world’s Top 25 Blawgs, as adjusted by Central Daylight Time and other regional limitations. In a gala announcement through its own RSS feed, the Minnesota State Bar Association chose Big Legal Brain—and twenty-four other similarly inspired blogs—as one of the Top 25 Minnesota Blawgs in 2011.

In choosing BLB, the editors of the Practice Blawg said BLB “provides a refreshing, amusing take on things,” before going on to heap further praise on BLB’s founders and its international staff of semi-hourly workers.

C. Hank Peters, a world-renowned legal marketing guru since 2010 and the inspiration behind BLB, announced that he was “excited about the selection” but declined further comment, indicating that he was busy faxing out the announcement to his various fax marketing lists.

Note: This post originally appeared on Bitter Lawyer, where C. Hank Peters has a rather irregular advice column for attorneys. If you were not automatically redirected, well, something broke.

I have a friend in the business who asked about how best to become a “badass motherfucker.” He uses this phrase whenever we get around to talking about his trial work in the ERISA area, and it’s now something he is aspiring to be. I don’t know why, but it appeals to him to have that tagline on his website and to rebrand himself successfully as the “badass motherfucker” of ERISA litigation.

While I understand the basic human desire to be feared by judges and other litigants, being a badass motherfucker at trial or in practice raises some red flags, particularly ethical red flags. While the model rules of professional conduct do not specifically address being a badass motherfucker attorney, here are two key rules to consider before going through the effort of rebranding yourself as one mean hombre.

Model Rule 4.4

The most pertinent rule, it seems, is Model Rule 4.4, which provides in part:

In representing a client, a lawyer shall not use means that have no substantial purpose other than to embarrass, delay, or burden a third person, or use methods of obtaining evidence that violate the legal rights of such a person.

Rule 4.4. effectively gives the green light to be a badass motherfucker when not representing a client, but that would also be subject generally to other applicable rules. Importantly, though, you can still ethically be a badass motherfucker while representing a client, so long as you have some purpose other than embarrassing or burdening people or, apparently, delaying them developmentally in some way. While I cannot vouch that a keyword-based law firm marketing and rebranding effort is such a purpose, I don’t see why it couldn’t be. So, while Rule 4.4 may realistically apply to some badass behavior, it should be easy to work with as a framework, especially with a good brand evangelista or consultant.

Model Rule 2.1

Model Rule 2.1 provides a clear green light to aspiring badass motherfuckers. The rule provides:

In representing a client, a lawyer shall exercise independent professional judgment and render candid advice. In rendering advice, a lawyer may refer not only to law but to other considerations such as moral, economic, social and political factors, that may be relevant to the client’s situation.

First, I’m not concerned about whether a badass motherfucker can effectively exercise independent professional judgment. That’s a given. Look at Vincent Gambini. Or Bruce Lee. Or even Wolverine. What’s encouraging by Rule 2.1, though, is how lawyers can consider other things when providing advice, such as moral, social, and political factors. For me, that means you can adopt a badass gestalt and use it to, say, walk into the courtroom wearing gold chains or brass knuckles. Hell, Rule 2.1 is practically an endorsement of being a badass motherfucker, so long as you don’t embarrass anyone (see, e.g., Rule 4.4).

Other rules that may apply peripherally to being a badass motherfucker include Rule 3.4 (Fairness to Opposing Party and Counsel) or Rule 1.1 (Competence). And I could have missed some others, including rules on decorum. But I’m not here (yet) to dole out advice on how to be a badass motherfucker attorney. For that, you’ll need to develop your own skill sets, work with a branding consultant, and come up with a strategic, independent, and viable baddass motherfucker dynamic. That’s your job.

Finally, remember this: the last time I considered similar questions, the ethical rules concerning lawyers did not apply to activities on the internet. Accordingly, if it’s your desire to be a cloud-based badass motherfucker, you’ve got nothing standing in your way. Go for it, dude. Tweet away.

If you are like us, you are sitting around today wondering where everyone is and why no one is sending out faxes. 0r responding to your own. And then you realize it’s Christmas Eve. In other words, you forgot to send out Christmas e-cards, failed to order any Hickory Farms Gourmet Summer Sausage gift boxes, or didn’t even send a Blockbuster gift card to any of your clients or colleagues. Don’t fret. According to our office clock right now, it’s 1:37 p.m. on Christmas Eve. You are still in luck. Here’s what to do.

Fax Bacon

For reasons we still do not understand, bacon has a stranglehold on the off-kilter gift market. But if it’s now too late to deliver a bacon floormat or even some bacon-infused iced tea, use your fax to deliver the goods. We’ve successfully faxed single bacon strips to many of our clients. They were touched by our thoughtfulness. And, as we’ve discovered, running the bacon through the fax machine warms it slightly for your own consumption. Yum.

MySpace Makeover Coupon

For that MySpace lawyer you loath, offer a MySpace Makeover Coupon. Just send your colleague an email offering to help them update their MySpace page—for free!

Skype Caroling

If a restraining order is keeping you from contacting a former client—or you just don’t want to show up unannounced at his or her door on Christmas Eve—use Skype or GTalk to provide an uplifting last-minute Christmas carol. Hang out online throughout the evening and, whenever you see someone pop up on your screen, give them a call and serenade them with Good King Wenceslas or Jingle Bell Rock. Have your spouse nearby with a ukelele, kazoo, or mouth harp for some added musical accompaniment.

Damage and Backdate Something

Often, people most remember the odd homemade last-minute point-of-sale gifts, like a bag of Lemonheads or a tray of Costco baklava. Why? It’s the thought that counts. Which is why you can take pretty much anything in your home or office, bash it up, and put it in a large clear plastic bag with an official-looking backdated note that says “Due to arctic weather patterns, a possible fire and/or pandemic, and extreme turbulence, this postal item may have been damaged in transit by the U.S. Postal Service. We apologize for the inconvenience.” Make sure it looks like it came from the post office. Then, pack it up and mail it sometime this week. Genius. And works for pretty much anything you’ve got lying around in the office. Or even in the refrigerator.

See? With a little thought and some touches of genius, you will again be remembered this year for your generosity and creativity. But get going–you are still running out of time.

Photo on Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahkubean/277050788

As a modern lawyer, it’s no longer sufficient to innovate. You have to do more, like add a plus sign to the end of everything. For those who innovate by cofficing at Starbuck’s or taking calls next to the kitty litter in the basement, I’m going to drop a word that exudes instant double plusness, as in ++. That word? Airstream. As in Airstream Sport camper.

Lawyer Wally Byam invented the Airstream Clipper in the 1930s and it’s been around ever since, representing the ultimate in caravan styling as well a great vehicle for suntanning. It’s time to bring the Airstream back to its lawyerly roots and make it a stylish fixture in the modern and mobile law office practice. Here are some pointers.

The Travel Trailer Is King

Stay away from the stupid-looking Airstream touring coaches. They just scream Volkswagen Eurovan +. Go for a travel trailer. But not the Eddie Bauer Classic. Sure, it’s a great brand and has a foldable lounge included, but it’s not worth the extra bucks. Also, while we love the really big models, remember that you’ll primarily be parking your Airstream outside of big city coffeeshops—typically with limited space for parking. If you end up with a Flying Cloud 28, you’ll be plugging three parking meters all day instead of the typical two.

Pay Attention to Size and Options

We recommend either a 22-foot Sport or a 20-foot Flying Cloud. If you can, spring for the twenty-two foot Sport, known as the Sport 22FB, as it typically comes with a pretty groovy table instead of a more cramped dinette. Piling around a dinette for a deposition in a sixteen-foot Sport is a bit cramped. Plus, going to the bathroom while opposing counsel is six inches away can be a bit embarrassing. Size matters in this area. Don’t skimp, even if it costs about $45,000 to do so.

Accessorize

Don’t forget needed Airstream accessories, including a t-shirt to advertise the pedigree of your office. You will also need at least 100 feet of waterproof extension cords to sponge as much electricity as you can from Starbuck’s (in addition to the free Wifi). Check with head barista, however, before parking outside on the street and running a line into the store. Some Starbuck’s baristas aren’t so cool with lawyers sponging off their stores all the time. The key word is courteous.

Also, make sure you have a good-looking sign to hang in the window or side of the Airstream to advertise your services. If, however, you aren’t comfortable with a sign because of some sort of ethical advertising bullshit, it’s perfectly fine to hang around in Starbuck’s during the day and, when things get serious with a client or potential client, just pop off the perfect line: “Why don’t we take this to my Airstream?” That’s Innovation ++.

Luckily, Airstream has an online store with all the other accessories you’ll need, other than the usual staplers, Bic pens, fax machine, and manual Bates numbering machine you already use for cofficing. But if you’ve been following our advice religiously, you should already be well prepared. Good luck. Let us know where you’ll be parking.

欢迎您，良好的中国人，大的法律脑。我们是世界上律师事务所的执业管理和法律营销的权威，就如何优化您的律师事务所，并提高您的法律写作的技巧。虽然我们已经连接的人讲世界语，意第绪语有点拨弄，和早些时候收购了拉脱维亚法律的幽默网站，我们从来没有尝试成功地聘请3万亿在中国生活的人。到现在为止。

我们很高兴看到这一难得的机会。根据我们的研究，具有高达3万亿农民，村民和城市的乡亲从中国所有的地区，这是近6万亿眼睛在网上冲浪每天。即使会计一只眼睛或两只眼睛失明的人，仍然很多法律脑大眼睛广告页面浏览量—如果我们可以得到一半的那双眼睛的百分之一。做数学，页面访问量每天约600万。一吨多有机谷歌流量比Findlaw。甚至超过Cracked.com或Fark。在这样一个速度，我们将战胜降低的酒吧和Pamby娇媚，似乎得到所有的blawgging关注和奖励。的确娇媚Pamby。

你可能会问，什么是大的法律脑？法律脑大律师，村民，和自己一样的农民提供尖端的法律实践管理的意见。我们最好的工作，包括律师和如何提高企业盈利厅酒吧的热门采购理念。作为我们想告诉人们，“我们认为你的做法，所以你不必。”这是一个伟大的标记线和捕捉我们的本质。

我的大法律脑SuperMayor。作为一位独奏律师，现在是营销大师，我的建议能够超越文化和中国农民和其他专业人士提供实用的智慧和意见。格雷戈里卢斯是我们居民的实际未来学家。他想到的事情发生后，想明天，。给我们一个机会。所以，按照我们在Twitter或类似我们在Facebook上。我们将不辜负中国。

We’ve been in the business for a number of months now, which makes us experts on what lawyers need and want. And experts on what people should give lawyers besides a large flaming bag of whoopass. That’s why we’ve put together the first annual Holiday Gift Guide for Lawyers.

Holiday Gift Guide

We nearly called it an Advent Calendar but there’s apparently a trademark on that. Or something the legal people said about religion. So, instead we’ve got a countdown from 24 to 1, with suggested gifts now listed through Day 15. We’ll keep adding them as the days get closer to whatever holiday you are managing to work through again this year. So, happy holidays from us. It’s been a good and productive year.

Main page image source: Flickr

If you didn’t know it already, it’s international legal writing and drafting week, a national designation that we fabricated and confidently announced. In celebration, however, we’re posting short nuggets of legal writing advice, following up from our prior nuggets. Like submliminal hashtagging. Or optimizing with Yiddish. Or how to use powerfully meaningless phrases. As you can tell, we’re experts. And we have lots to say during the coming exciting week of international legal drafting. First up:

Aggressive. Period. Placement.

Aggressive period placement in your legal writing is akin to using clever subliminal hashtags, but without that annoying number symbol, which typically makes a judge think #WTF? But, as with subliminal hashtagging, do not overuse this technique. As a general rule, aim for about three “pods” of aggressively placed periods for every ten pages of a brief or memo. Any more than that and you’ll be seen as affectatious and flirty. Way. Unbeast. Any less and the judge’s law clerk will think you are a newb, which you are. Two examples:

Oh, in case you were wondering, here’s a quick breakdown of some of our popular legal hashtaggage and how those can be reintrepreted into pods of aggressive periods.

About every two days I get an advertisement in the post about how to start my law firm for $10,000 and an adjustable-rate mortgage. Thing is, I started my firm a long time ago. For twenty bucks. And that’s still all you need. Yes, you can be like Chank and spend $57,000. Or like that Glover kid, who financed a law practice by trading in a used Fiat along with a case of Cheetohs. All I’m saying is you need twenty bucks. Here you go.

Some would say that I’ve left out some essentials, like liability insurance and Yellow Pages. But I’m self-insured, and have been for forty years. Insurance is for mistake-prone pannywaists. And the Yellow Pages doesn’t work for Third Amendment lawyers. Maybe they work for you, but that’s the beauty of my niche. Word just gets out.