My initial reaction was, “What the hell did I just see?” I still can’t figure out how it was done, as everything appears to be in one shot. If it really was Philip Seymour Hoffman taking the fall then my hat is off to him. But what purpose did it serve? For the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. Until now.

It turns out that the video is a note for note remake of a very real commercial where a mattress salesman strides atop a semi while strumming a guitar, jumps on to a pile of mattresses and falls to the ground, destroying his guitar in the process. Aside from the names, the dialogue is exactly the same.

Keep in mind that “Punch-Drunk Love” was filmed back in ‘02, long before the internet video revolution of youtube and the like. Paul Thomas Anderson, will you never cease to amaze?

download
1. Budgie - Breadfan
2. The Shocking Blue - Send Me A Postcard
3. Lazy Smoke - Sarah Saturday
4. Christine McVie - And That’s Sayin’ A Lot
5. R. Stevie Moore - Back In Time
6. The Merry-Go-Round - Come Ride, Come Ride
7. Syd Barrett - Octopus
8. Bobb Trimble - One Mile From Heaven
9. The Vaselines - Rory Rides Me Raw
10. CAN - Little Star of Bethlehem
11. Pink Floyd - Lucifer Sam

And then there’s Reprise, a Norwegian film that focuses on two young authors. If you have any sort of literary aspirations, I can’t recommend this more highly. It was released in 2006, though only recently got distributed over here. This means that if you look online you should be able to find it pretty easily.

Here’s the trailer:

No film has made me think about this more than “Perfect,” a 1985 bomb that stars John Travolta as a doe-eyed investigative reporter researching the hedonistic subculture of exercise gyms, which he proclaims are “the single bars of the 80s.” Starring opposite him is Jamie Lee Curtis, as the best exercise trainer at the den of iniquity known as The Sports Connection. Travolta’s thrust for the piece (thought not his thrusting, more on that later) bothers her so much that she decides the best course of action is to sleep with him. Interspersed throughout their cat and mouse game of comment/no comment, is some sort of plot involving Johnny interviewing an entrepreneur who had been screwed over by the FBI. Frankly, I’m a little hazy on the details, as I was so bowled over by everything else that happened.

Anyway, this is what I imagine future anthropologists would say:

In a “Perfect” world, it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to look like this:

While women look like this:

Mating is a somewhat elongated process, consisting of many stages.

First the male thrusts his genitalia at the object of his affection:

Then the female does the same:

The male thrusts a second time, just to be sure:

The female thrusts in turn:

Then the two lay down on the floor and pay homage to their god by thrusting into the air:

And then comes the final stage where they change clothes and sit in front of a black, glowing screen:

The female begins typing a query while the male looks on:

The male types his reply:

Coitus!

*Special thanks to Michael and Eliot for bringing this treasure to my attention.

Track List:
1. The Shins - Strange Powers
2. Madeleine Peyroux - Between the Bars
3. The Langley Schools Music Project - Space Oddity
4. Kevin Drew - Age of Consent
5. Ben Gibbard - You Remind Me of Home
6. Colin Meloy - Every Day Is Like Sunday
7. Elliott Smith - Jealous Guy
8. Nouvelle Vague - The Killing Moon
9. Jon Brion - I’m Gonna Lock My Heart and Throw Away The Key
10. Cat Power - Wonderwall
11. Final Fantasy - Peach, Plum, Pear
12. St. Vincent - These Days

Special Grand Jury Prize for Most Depressing Film To Watch While Unemployed:

Not a great year for film. I saw less movies this year than any I can recall.

*Special note to Charlie Kaufman: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.

“I have a pessimistic view of relationships. My view has always been that you talk about it with your friends, you scheme, you plot, and you see psychoanalysts. You see marriage counselors, get medicated, do everything they can, but in the end you have to luck out. It’s complete and total luck. You have all these exquisite needs, some woman has all her exquisite needs, and the odds of all those wires going together are very, very slim. If one of those wires is not there then it gets annoying and she gets dissatisfied, you get dissatisfied. So, to get it all clicking in is a very happy accident. It does happen to people, because there are so many people in the world, which statistically a certain amount of them luck out. They meet someone, fall in love, they are happy with that person, no real friction, but its luck. This is my observation of it, this can be argued, but if you ask me I would say that’s what I’ve learned. All the advice, planning, self help books, anything you do, dating services, you’ve got to get lucky. If you do it’s great. Some people do, but you can see by the divorce rate, the amount of relationships people go through, and the amount of people in unhappy relationships but stay together because of inertia, because of children, fear of loneliness… there are very few really wonderful ones. You have to get lucky.”

IT WILL LOOK BETTER SOON.

That is all.

Since shaving my beard, I’ve been catcalled twice, asked for my id more times than I can recall, and most recently a Mexican man stared at my crotch for an extended period of time. Admittedly, I was wearing spandex at the time (What? I’m a serious cyclist. Get over it), but this increased attention is something I’m not used to.

I don’t think I’ve fallen so hard for a Scottish voice since The Proclaimers proclaimed they were over and done with it. Jesus, how have I not heard of this sooner? Sappy, melodic indie rock has been my bread and butter ever since I discovered depression back in high school. And here, for months, this band has been cranking it out, unbeknownst to me. Well, the fog has lifted, the songs have set, and I’m riding the wave of bummer music to the very end.

And while I still have time left, I’m going to call it: The Modern Leper is this year’s “Funeral.”