Bike Lemming

An oldie but a goodie

2009-11-04T10:52:00.004-07:00

With cold weather slowly creeping in on us and much less for the lemming to write about when he's not riding as much, I found this on my desktop the other day and thought I'd share. It's an oldie, but definitely a goodie, anything with AC/DC and cycling is, enjoy!

1st crash from Bike Lemming on Vimeo.

If by chance it doesn't work in the feed, see the original here!

Friday caption contest, in to the gutter quickly

2009-10-30T14:43:00.002-06:00

This could head in to the gutter rather quickly, so try to be creative before jumping to the obvious!

I'll start out...

"Damn, I know they said running tubeless at too high of a pressure would blow the tires off the rim, but this is ridiculous!"

Post your caption!

The tale of Skunky, the ass-in-the-air descender

2009-10-28T10:47:00.007-06:00

Perfect Skunky position, front low, tail in the air

While Skunky can be either gender, "she" is used for this example.

Skunky can be found near the back of the pack in mountain bike races.

Skunky has grasped the concept of getting off of the seat while going downhill, however she locks her legs and stands tall with her front low. This is very attractive for mating, but not so effective for technical descending as the legs are not used as shock absorbers in this instance.

Skunky is a better-than-average climber and often yells things like, "come on!" and "I can't believe I'm getting stuck behind this!" or "get moving!", while battling on the climbs for near last place in beginner. Everyone would empathize with Skunky, if it weren't for this annoying habit. Any places Skunky gains on the climb are lost during descents.

Skunky usually won't yield the trail when faster descenders happen upon her, causing overtakers to maneuver the gnarly rough nasty stuff on the trail edge, more than likely because of frustration from passing them uphill only to be passed when it turns downward. She will often quote race directors and angrily yell, "races aren't won on the downhill asshole!", another annoying trait that makes people not feel sorry for Skunky.

Skunky can usually be found wearing knickers on an 80 deg day and is often riding alone. While it has never been confirmed, leading experts believe Skunky probably runs her tires at the maximum recommended pressure regardless of the course. With a little coaching it is possible that Skunky may be one day graduate to being so far behind the seat on the slightest of downhills that her bum may touch the rear tire, a huge improvement over her current position.

A pair of skunks in perfect Skunky position
While the position is correct, Skunky is rarely seen with another Skunky in the wild

Not a picture of Skunky

L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E.

2009-10-26T10:40:00.001-06:00

Everyone gets to their breaking point, and the lemming finally got to his. That's why he has started L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E., which unfortunately means Lemming Against Previews Done As Newly Created Entries and not something more exciting. If anyone joins him the Lemming can become plural, at that point it will become L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. - Lemmings Against Previews Done As Newly Created Entries. To be technical, this means setting your "RSS Feed" to be preview only and forcing people to go to your site to read the rest, that is BAD.

This all started because it's nearly impossible to go individually to every blog that the lemming wants to read, especially if he is doing his blog reading at work where "the man" keeps a watchful eye on him to keep him down and see if he's being productive. It's much easier to read full content in a "feed reader" and therefore fool "the man" that he might be working.

This all came to a head when the lemming thought the BikeSnobNYC, the grand poobah of cycling bloggers, had gone to preview feeds and thus had become a LAPDANCEe... A quick note to the Snob revealed he wasn't, he was simply having trouble with his feed updating and really wanted the full content in the feed. Unfortunately, not everyone has followed his lead.

In case you do not know what I'm talking about, here is an example of a preview feed:

This weekend kicked ass! I had the sickest ride of my life, I've never seen singletrack this buff! I was killing it! I even ran in to Alison Starnes. Here are all the pictures I took.....

[For pictures and the rest of the blog, please visit the full site at (insert blog name) here. If you are at work and can't go to the site because your boss is a soul-robbing lunatic too bad.]

A typical day when trying to read preview feeds, note the angry boss

A happy blog reader, reading all blogs in a feed reader

Nothing sends the point home like famous quotations, that's why I've taken some historical quotes completely out of context and massaged them to fit my selfish purposes of convincing you to do a full feed vs a preview feed.

"Ask not what your blog readers can do for you, but what you can do for your blog readers."

"We counted on our blog readers to be passive, we counted wrong."

"Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor."

"My favorite toast is rye toast."

A couple of readers wrote to the lemming with solutions for preview feeds, but it all sounded way more difficult than his tiny mind could grasp. If you have previously been doing preview feeds in your blog don't be ashamed, you didn't know, just change it now and we'll forget all about it. I hope these fantastic arguments have convinced you to join L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. and that preview feeds are BAD, I can't take anymore of the lemming's complaining.

Friday fun, the picture roundup

2009-10-23T12:37:00.020-06:00

Kick back because today's post is going to be a long one... I haven't done a Friday Fun picture roundup in awhile and let me tell you, I have a lot of pictures that I've been marking as I read Friends of the Lemming blogs which I figure I should get up here for everyone to enjoy.

But first, let's talk about Race Across the Sky. I kinda dogged on it a few weeks ago, but I did go and see it last night. I still stick with my initial analysis that it was over dramatized, and while difficult, it is just a race and there are certainly much harder ones out there. However, the movie was great and I'm happy to see the little mining town of Leadville getting the economic boost from Lance being there. Cycling could use more movies put together like this...

Still, as I watched the movie I couldn't help but think Ken Chlouber looks familiar. His man-crush on Lance was quite obvious and out there for everyone to see, touching him and giggling like a little school girl, but who doesn't swoon for a little stardom every now and then? But it's killing me, who does he remind me of?...

Hmm, maybe but not quite

Kind of, but still not quite what I was thinking...

That's it! I knew it! Station, from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey!

I couldn't help saying "Staaaatiooooon" every time I saw him. Every time he touched Lance I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for him to morph with Lance in to one big super creature which could fix stuff really fast. But I digress...

It was also a tremendous feat that Lance rode 7 miles on a tire going flat, but I had to wonder, the guy has said he rides 7 hours a day, surely he changes his own flat every once in awhile? I mean, he can't have a team car EVERY day?

Anyway, kudos to NCM Fathom for making a highly entertaining and very well produced movie, even if they did try to go a little over the top at times.

With that I'll spare you my words and move right on to the picture roundup. Normally I'd give you some music to listen to, but since there are SO MANY to post this week AND I was mentioned on BikeSnobNYC today we'll just cut right to the chase and get some pictures out there. ENJOY!!!

Pillaged from Bicykel

Pillaged from Alison M. Starnes

Pillaged from All Hail the Black Market

Pillaged from Beginning Bicycle Commuting

Pillaged from Bike Dreams

Pillaged from Bike Rumor

Pillaged from Copenhagenize

Pillaged from Curtis Corlew

Pillaged from Cycle Goddess

Pillaged from Cycle Monkey

Pillaged from Cycling Obsessions

Pillaged from DFW Point-to-Point

Pillaged from Everyday Athlete

Pillaged from Formerly Floyd Speaks

Pillaged from GT in LA

Pillaged from Lynne's Mostly Cycling Blog

Pillaged from Mellow Velo

Pillaged from MO7S

Pillaged from OilCanRacer

Pillaged from Travels with my Mule

Pillaged from Rando Adagio

Pillaged from Road

Pillaged from Sonya Looney

Pillaged from Velocorapture

Pillaged from VeloLoser

Pillaged from Whirled Traveler

Pillaged from Xvelo Designs blog

There you have them! I promise I won't keep saving them up for so long next time. As always, be safe out there, keep the rubber side down, and have one for me this weekend! I'm out...

A glitch in the matrix

2009-10-22T09:08:00.003-06:00

There seems to be something wrong with the world when someone can need a power meter so badly that they have no money to buy it, yet finance it on a 12 month payment plan with the latest CTS offering. Foreclosures are at an all time high, unemployment is soaring, but you can still have that PowerTap you "need" if you don't have the money for it...

I thought of a lot of interesting things to mention on this, but none were better than what BikeSnobNYC already stated way more eloquantly than the Lemming ever could,

"While a power meter is certainly an important tool for a professional cyclist, the bulk of them are of course sold to amateurs who misinterpret their amateur status and poor results as signs that they need to spend a huge amount of money on a power meter when in fact their amateur status and poor results are actually the very reasons they don't need a power meter. If you're an amateur, buying a power meter to train is like hiring an accountant to tell you how broke you are or like buying an iPhone just to check your Cannondale stock. Yet amateurs not only buy power meters, but they think $1,000 for a power meter is actually cheap."

Of course, I only found that gem after an anonymous commenter let me know I was ripping of the snob by re-posting the "You Suck" power meter. Unfortunately I hadn't seen the bikesnobnyc's posts in awhile since they are set to do previews in the feed and I just can't risk "the man" seeing me browsing websites all day no matter how great they might be. Our work has the motto, "The beatings will continue until morale improves", and I just can't take another beating. Of course, I realize I borrowed that funny saying from someone else more clever than me as well, no need to let me know...

The lemming mentioned that he's going to spend the rest of the day going around to blogs and informing people that they are ripping off someone else if they re-post something, he said he's going to start with the "Performance" video...

Crushed...

2009-10-19T22:08:00.002-06:00

I've missed you all, I really have... Cross dressing season is fully upon us and I could really care less, instead I've been swilling Bud Lights and working feverishly on my plan for greener gyms powered solely by the Average Joe. That is at least until I saw this months issue of Bicycling and realized many people had already beat me to this plan. Yes, it's true, the lemming is not pioneering in any way and there are a lot of people much smarter than me that have done it already, not that my plan ever made it past the swilling Bud Light stage.

Doesn't that look like fun? He might need to adjust his handlebar height.

So with my plan of taking over the world via unsuspecting gym rats now in the shitter, I turned back to my only solace, this blog, how sad is that? It's not really sad, but I'm trying to play on your sympathies for being gone so long.

Being a big player on the scene, today I was given the unsolicited opportunity to look at the Lamborghini bicycles website. With a name like Lamborghini you know it's going to kick ass! Here are some highlights...

Not bad from a distance right? But there are hints of a butter face...

No Chris King? This is a Lambo right?

In the words of Butthead, "uhhh, wait a minute..."

Aaaagh! A clear plastic chainguard, are those rivets in the chainrings? This is worse than accidentally seeing my overweight cousin naked!

Clearly with a name like Lamborghini these pictures had to be a mistake. I mean I remember the Countach, sure it leaked gas and was pretty square, but it was pure sex. Surely the Lamborghini name wouldn't be defiled by a bike whose normal retail is $349 but if you buy now you get a free helmet, $100 off, and free shipping. That's practically giving away this surely Chinese made machine which bears the same name as the Italian car manufacturer.

Needing to know more I went straight to the website!

With features like a lightweight aluminum frame, an advanced Shimano drive train, and efficient 700cc wheels, the Lamborghini Rapido is certain to remain a favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition. The featured 21-speed Shimano drive train was designed with shifting efficiency and durability in mind. For added ease of control, the bicycle's twist grip shifters are mounted just to the inside of the traditional brake levers. Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far—an ideal feature for added safety and convenience. To help tackle those steep hills, the Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears. For increased rider comfort, the bicycle comes complete with a soft cork wrapped handlebar, a comfy custom designed Lamborghini saddle, and an adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs.

"Advanced Shimano drivetrain" - The very advanced Shimano Tourney drivetrain to be exact, only a dozen levels or so below 105

"Efficient 700c wheels" - obviously part of the 29er hype

"Favorite weapon for novice cyclists looking to speed past the competition" - especially against people who don't even know they are racing!

"Due to the close proximity of the brake levers and shifters, riders have quick access to braking and shifting without moving their hands too far" - oh good, I've been missing that on my current road bike, I knew Lambo engineering would pull through!

"Rapido comes complete with a triple front crank set, a feature that gives the rider seven incredibly low gears" - uhhh, wait a minute... That's like saying the "Countach comes with a 4-cylinder engine, a feature that gives the great gas mileage"

"adjustable quill stem—a feature that allows you to lower and raise the stem height according to the rider's needs" - oh good, luckily I'm an average sized rider and the stem is great right where it's at, but this will help my resale value...

You might get a good laugh out of that, but the last laugh will be on you as the reviews are coming in stellar...

Ridiculously Good Deal... 01/20/2009 - by avid but frugal cyclist from Washington, D.C.
I bike 120 miles a week on a Raleigh hybrid. I figured why not give a full road bike a try. $200 bucks isn't a bad price to enter. I was about to buy a Trek or a Giant Road Bike for $600 - I compared the drive trains and features and went with the Lambo. All you need to do to get the Lambo up to better performance is change out the crankset and the front derailleur...then voila...you have a sweet entry level road bike. I keep up with the expensive bikes on the trail...no problem. I've owned the Lambo for 4 weeks after I put it together by myself...no problem. I did rip off the cheesy plastic bits and I painted the fork, headset and seatpost...now it looks expensive..

According to this avid but frugal poster, all you need to get the Lambo up to better performance is a crankset and front derailleur. Once those upgrades are made it definitely becomes a favorite weapon to keep up with expensive bikes on the trail. Of course after the cheesy plastic bits are gone and the fork, headset, and seatpost are painted it looks like an expensive bike, so really how would one know if he's keeping up with expensive bikes on the trail or if they are simply sheep in bull's clothing?

Wow, what's next? Is Trek going to go in on some ugly-assed car?

Lastly, several readers have sent me the picture below and I figure it's only fitting while talking about green health clubs and Lamborghini bicycles. My side coaching organization, LTS Systems, has been working on a power meter prototype, stolen from someone much more clever than me out on the internet. Rather than dropping $1000+ for a power meter to simply find out how average you are, PayPal me $20 and tape this to your bike computer. Apparently someone has been watching mine as I ride...

Going against the flow

2009-10-06T09:18:00.003-06:00

The lemming has been wanting me to write this one for awhile and I've been resisting since everyone is so hyped about it, I don't want to be the only Debbie-downer in the bunch.

Ok here goes... The lemming thinks the Race Across the Sky movie previewed above is WAY over-hyped. Sure, it seems like a cool race, but come on, a movie about it? In the end it's a race, like all other races. Obviously cyclists are going to flock to the movie because what else do we have, Breaking Away and American Flyers?

As we were watching the trailer I made sure to capture screenshots where the lemming seemed most agitated.

In an epic bike race, anything can happen! Dah dah dah!

Like getting a flat!

And then having to change it yourself!

You won't believe what happens next! Really? I mean seriously, is it that dramatic? I've got a little spoiler for you, Lance beats the 40-something retired family man and 6-time champion... I know, I know, you can still pay $12.50 to go see more.

EVENT DETAILS
....
But the Leadville Trail 100 "Race Across the Sky" Mountain Bike Race is not just a race of man against man: it’s man vs. man, man vs. self, man vs. elements, man vs. time. A clock set for 12 grueling hour’s slugs through 100 miles, over 14,000 vertical feet of climbing, some two miles above sea level, through extreme climate changes ranging from heat to hail, from rain to snow. To the racers, the risks of injury, fatigue and mechanical failure pale next to the chance that they will fall behind the 12 hour cut off mark and be eliminated.

This sounds pretty extreme, it's not only you against others, it's you against yourself, against the elements, against time! Not only that but you'll start where it's balmy in the land of coconuts and ride through blizzards to finish the race, you may have to eat other competitors who have succumbed to the perils of the race to sustain your energy levels, that is if you don't get mowed down by the clock. Injury, fatigue, and mechanical failure be damned!

This one night event will feature a panel discussion with Lance Armstrong, Chris Carmichael (owner of Carmichael Training Systems and Lance Armstrong’s coach), Dave Wiens (6x Leadville 100 winner), Ken Chlouber (Leadville Trail 100 Founder), Travis Brown (Olympian and professional mountain biker), and others before and after the debut of the documentary “Race Across the Sky”.

Wow, the lemming says this will totally do it for him. Not only does he get to see a cool movie about a race, but he gets to hear a secret panel talk about how magical the race is, which sounds about as fun as listening to coaches talk to local clinics about how training with power can really bring out your "A" game.

Which leads me to this, the lemming has made a prediction already for 2010. That prediction was that gran fondo will become the new buzzword amongst charity rides. His new prediction is that everyone who ever has hoped to be extreme will sign up the Leadville 100. Many people who have never even tried to race their local 6 mile mountain bike race will sign up for the Race Across the Sky.

I'll still go watch the movie, what else do we have... Maybe I'll look for a theme ride to it...

All this time I thought Lance trained his ass off

2009-10-02T07:25:00.003-06:00

This morning the lemming opened his email to this tasty morsel. Rodale, the same company which bring us Bicycling, sent me the secrets to Lance's success.

Dear Online Reader,

Have you ever dreamed of riding in the Tour de France? Of zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong at your side?

You know I have Rodale. Zipping along flats and climbing alpine roads with Lance Armstrong would be almost nearly as good as spending Valentine's Day with Chris Carmichael, but wait...

Well now, you can put all of Lance's knowledge, skill, experience, and talent at your fingertips as he teams up with his coach, Chris Carmichael, the U.S. Olympic Committee 1999 Coach of the Year, to offer the ultimate insider's guide to becoming a better rider, based on the same ultra-effective training regimen that Chris and Lance have been fine-tuning since the early 1990s.

...

This is the program that led to Lance's astounding victory in the 1999 Tour de France—one of the most dramatic comebacks in sports history! And whether you dream of competing in the Tour de France or simply completing your own challenge-ride century, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program is the sure-fire way to...

While I am happy that 7 weeks of Lance-specific training is going to to allow me to win 7 Tours, retire, come back and podium in the Tour again after a bunch of time off dating an Olsen twin and a bunch of other celebrity hotties, as well as go on to crush a retired icon in the Leadville 100, the lemming thinks less of Lance now. Apparently a 7-week program is all Lance used to get ready for his 1999 Tour victory and I just thought he was a much harder worker than that. It makes getting second in his first Leadville 100 seem so less heroic now, he had already done the 7-week training program which won him the 1999 Tour.

Back to all about me. Luckily, for my benefit again, whether I want to compete in the Tour de France or complete a century, this program is going to do it for me. I knew I had to read more, so I followed the email link to here.

Crafted by Lance's coach Chris Carmichael, and refined by Lance and Chris during their years of work together, The Lance Armstrong Performance Program will give you everything you need to achieve your personal best in only 7 weeks, including:

• How to find the right bike for your body
• When to brake (only as a last resort!)
• The tricks to cornering, climbing, and descending like a pro
• Expert techniques to develop your explosive power to sprint
• The best ways to incorporate cross-training into your schedule
• Tips for building necessary mental toughness
• … and much more!

Surely finding the right bike for my body will include lots of wind tunnel testing, the lemming remembers seeing Lance in the wind tunnel often. It's comforting knowing Chris helped Lance pick out the right bike, I just hope it doesn't take more than a day or two because you know, we've only got 7 weeks here. If cross-training means dating Olsen twins then I really do need to figure out how to work that in to my schedule, although that didn't happen in the 7-week 1999 training plan.

The lemming didn't give Chris Carmichael enough credit either, teaching Lance how to brake (as a last resort), how to corner, how to climb, and how to descend like a pro in only 7 weeks must have been mind-boggling. I can just see the conversation now.

Chris: "No no Lance, you need to descend like a pro. That means only braking as a last resort on this hill. See only pull this lever as a last resort."

Lance: "I know Chris, but I just get so scared. I'm used to descending like a Cat 5, this new Pro stuff is foreign to me, I did start out in triathlons you know."

Chris: "Lance, I told you never to mention you were a triathlete again."

Lance: "Ok ok, but you know triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns and the brakes are there and..."

Chris: "Damn it Lance (slapping him), just listen to me, we've only got 7 weeks here. I know that triathlon bikes have those goofy bullhorns, that's not the point. Only brake as a last resort, you need to descend like a pro."

Forget anything the lemming has said about time trialing

2009-09-25T09:01:00.006-06:00

Forget anything the lemming has said about time trialing and aero bars. It actually turns out the lemming is a BIG fan of time trialing and aero bars. Photos lovingly pillaged from Alison M. Starnes' site.

Off topic... If you're recovered from the photos above already the lemming has a question about summaries in blog feeds and what people think about them. The lemming personally hates blog summaries where only a teaser is shown in the feed reader. More often than not he'll see the teaser and just mark as read in the feed reader rather than going to the actual site to read the entry. When a bunch of blogs are in the reader and the lemming wants to be all stealthy about blog reading at work it's not conducive to open a whole new site. I'd be curious as to what others think, post a comment and let me know.

You will never see one of these for sale again!!!

2009-09-24T08:55:00.002-06:00

The lemming had an article in his head today, a children's story about Skunky, the tall-tailed butt-in-the-air descender. As he sat down to write the story, he decided to check his email first.

From: charlie ******* <*******************@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 6:57 PM
Subject: hello master
To: "bikelemming@gmail.com"

Honorable Lemming

Ah... you have taught me well master...but now, the student becomes the teacher...

Charlie @ screaming monkey bike

Preach on brother Charlie! It's true, the lemming has been gapped and dropped HARD by screaming monkey bike. The lemming is cool with that, screaming monkey bike is killing it harder than John in his 12 week, $3649, Men's Journal first triathlon plan. Ironically (in a 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife sort of way) (Rock) Superstar by Cypress Hill was playing on my Pandora radio station at the moment I received the email and all I could think about was big-assed jack-in-the-boxes with FIRE! all around them.

Anyway, as things go one thing lead to another and I spent some time on Top Cycling Sites before heading over to check out VeloLoser.

Great minds think alike and I was amused to see VeloLoser thought of Slim Goodbody with this skinsuit as well. Surely I thought this beautiful skinsuit must have been designed by a company as pioneering as Primal Wear before they started making saddle concepts, however I was wrong.

You will never see one of these for sale again!!! I only know of a couple in existence. If you are an avid cyclist or cycling fan you know what this is. This is the infamous Mario Cipollini muscle skinsuit made by Cannondale. As you can see it is in great conditoin 8 out of 10. It only has 2 very small repairs one on the left shoulder half inch long which you can't even see and one on the zipper and in no way effects the zipper function.

I purchased it new from a bike shop owner last year and I have since leaned toward bodybuilding so I don't fit it anymore. It is an XL but I am 5'7 185 lbs. with a 32 in. waist and it fits me snugly everywhere. If you're curious it will fit you just give me your measurements and I'll help. I know you'll love this very unique piece of cycling memorabilia.

Let me just be the first to say thank heavens we will never see one of these for sale again! I have the sneaking suspicion taking up bodybuilding isn't the reason this gem is for sale.

But closer inspection reveals it's not the skinsuit Mario Cipollini is wearing in the picture describing the auction. This skinsuit is short-sleeved and short-legged. Which begs the question, if the person who "won" the auction is not himself a bodybuilder or a two-armed, two-legged amputee and those Primal Wear-ish muscles just stop on the lower quad and mid bicep, will the wearer look something like this?

Deep thoughts by the Lemming

2009-09-16T08:23:00.004-06:00

The other day I saw two rams butting heads (on TV), an obvious fight for supremacy and mating rights. I thought about how different the bike trail would be if mating rights were established by overtaking someone. There would be even less riding for fun and even more "training" because of the competition I suspect. Unfortunately, it's been established that taking ibuprofen does not "block the pain of competition", although subjectively the pain of competition may be having to watch others race in a speedo. The lemming can see taking anything available to try and relieve that pain.

But even with ibuprofen gone we still have power meters, and with them we can "eliminate wasted efforts" when we go out on a ride and that makes the lemming happy.

If Primal Wear made saddles

2009-09-09T08:43:00.001-06:00

What if Primal Wear made bike saddles? Famous for their horrid graphics and sometimes sexually-suggestive jerseys, why not get in to the untapped bike saddle market? The jerseys are bad, but people keep buying them, then selling them.

Infamous "Blue Ball Lanes" Primal Wear bowling jersey. Clever? About as clever as the "Big Johnson" shirts, or maybe not even quite that clever.

The skeleton! If I was being x-rayed while riding this is what I'd look like.

The formal wear tuxedo jersey!

The Organ Grinder aka Slim Goodbody jersey! Just in case you were wondering how your organs sit in your body.

The blue muscle fiber sleeveless triathlon top!

So with those classic examples, what sort of prime material could Primal Wear put on saddles?

The Rocker aka The Groupee
Two choices for the Rocker aka the Groupee, depending on your musical preference.

The Bird
In cases of getting ejected from the bike, this helps you flip the bird, in addition to showing your "bad ass" attitude at all other times.

The Hip Bone
What your butt would look like x-rayed on the seat.

The Butt
What your butt would look like bare on the seat.

And lastly, The Template. Right-click, download and make your own Primal Wear saddle and send it to the lemming at bikelemming@gmail.com. In about a week or so I'll get any reader submissions online.

Lastly, if Primal Wear constructed fight scenes, they surely would have made this bad-ass greatest fight scene of all time. Stick around until the way end, long past where the chick uses a towel as a deadly weapon, to hear some very corny closing statements.

From the mailbag

2009-08-31T09:18:00.004-06:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend with some good riding. Today's post comes from the ol' mailbag.

Dear Bike Lemming,

Do women need to adjust anything, you know, down there while riding? I ask because on a ride the other day I saw a woman reach down in to her shorts at a stop before taking off.

Yours truly,
Gender confused

Dear Gender confused,

Thank you for writing to the lemming. The lemming usually does not address issues such as this, he can provide insight but suggests contacting the MellowVelo for a definitive answer as she is a woman and she rides.

That said, are you sure that she wasn't a he? If you are sure then there are many reasons you might have seen a woman reach in to her shorts at a stop before continuing a ride. It might be possible she was applying chamois cream (pronounced shammy creme).

Possibly more probable is that she was doing long-term saddle reviews for female anatomical saddles and was checking for numbness. Women can suffer from the same numbness men can and you'll probably see her review in an upcoming issue of Bicycling. Either that or she was adjusting something.

Next letter....

Dear Bike Lemming,

Now that Levi Leipheimer put on his "Gran Fondo", is "Gran Fondo" going to be the next big buzz word on the charity ride circuit and cycling in general for 2010?

Sincerely,
Vorrei essere un pilota moto

Dear Vorrei essere un pilota moto,

Thank you for reaching out to the lemming. Yes, it is the lemming's prediction that "Gran Fondo" will become the big buzz word in cycling for 2010. Expect to see a bunch of "Gran Fondos" popping up all over the country. As you may know "Gran Fondo" is said to mean "big ride" in Italian, although not literally. I should note that "Gran Fondo" will be a big buzz word in every country but Italy, there the buzz word will be "big ride" and you'll see "big rides" popping up all over Italy, because "big ride" means "Gran Fondo" in American.

Some other buzz word you should watch out for are:

malaking sumakay - which means "big ride" in Tagalog

tequila grande - which means "big tequila" in Spanish

Rosie O'Donnell - which means "big ride" in all languages

大型車 -which means "big ride" in Japanese

đi xe lớn - which means "big ride" in Vietnamese

سوار بزرگ - which means "big ride" in Persian

büyük yolculuk - which means "big ride" in Turkish

μεγάλη βόλτα - which means "big ride" in Greek

Thanks for the letters, the lemming might answer any more burning questions at
bikelemming@gmail.com

Weekend supplemental

2009-08-29T22:53:00.002-06:00

For those of you read, enjoyed and savored How to Avoid the Bummer Life, Stevil has moved on to a new venture. Check him out at All Hail the Black Market. I trust the same mayhem and hijinx (is that how I spell it?) will be present there. That is all, ride your bike!

Bike commuting - riding to work without losing your dignity or your life

2009-08-28T08:32:00.004-06:00

The lemming got all riled up today and this post is the result of his overactive sense of frustration with advice articles. He's been doing a lot of group rides lately, hoping to partake in the city limit sprints and be asked to the grassy field bump sessions. Ironically, none of that has happened. He hasn't seen a city limit sprint so far and no grassy field bump sessions have been initiated. But anyway, that's not the point of today's article. Today's article is about commuting to work without losing your dignity or your life.

1) Find a safe route - The lemming doesn't like smelling exhaust or getting honked at or getting passed too close. Hell, I drive my car down Watkins to Peachtree, that doesn't mean I ride my bike on that same route. Google Maps has this really cool thing called street views that show the actual street view, plus you can pull and drag the route on a map to a different route. Use it and find a safer and more tranquil way in to work. Your lungs will thank you, your stress level will thank you, and your family will thank you.

2) Get one of those blinking lights - You want to be seen, get a blinking light for the back at least... Seriously you're hauling all of your shit along in either a backpack or panniers anyway, a blinking light isn't going to put you over any weight limit or make you look any sillier, and it might just save your life when a driver is smoking, drinking coffee, and talking on her cell phone while putting lipstick on.

3) Get a squeeky horn - Many others riders don't like to wave, if you are a person who needs the acceptance of others this can put a serious damper on your day. The solution is a squeeky horn. Meet another rider and squeeze this little guy and you'll warm the hearts of nearly everyone, except triathletes and CTS athletes who may be too serious to smile for fear of going out of their heart rate/power zone. This also works as a horn when cars are about to turn in front of you.

On to saving your dignity....

4) Wear the bike shorts, but leave the yellow jersey at home - We all have our favorite jerseys and shouldn't care what others think, but the fact of the matter is we don't want to continuously defend spandex to co-workers. So a baggier mountain bike jersey is in order... It's still closer fitting, still sweat wicking, but it looks like a t-shirt. Or...

5) Compare cycling to other sports - If you feel the need to wear spandex and want to fight the futile fight of defending it to co-workers you can simply say, "Why do you wear a glove and hat when you play softball?" or "Do you wear cleats when you play football?" or "Why do you need a bib in an all-you-can-eat buffalo wing contest?" Of course, there is a third option...

6) Self-deprecation - Everyone likes humor, all you need to say is, "Well, I'm off to put on my clown suit, hopefully you don't run my slow ass over on the way home". This will get a laugh and ease the tension that throttle pushers might experience as they get in to their car to sit in traffic as you ride along on your safer route listening to birds sing and watching rabbits mate.

Showers....

7) Obviously having a shower at work would be "the bomb" as I become a sweaty mess no matter how slow I try to ride. However, not everyone is this lucky. Please, PLEASE, do not take a container of Wet Ones along, wipe yourself off with that, and expect that it's as good as a shower. Anyone who says that "does the trick nicely" has probably never actually done that, just like most people who talk about city limits sprints or practicing something in a grassy field have probably never done that either. Smelling like alcohol wipes all day is not a good thing, and you might just attract the wrong kind of attention.

8) The spongebath - The better option, sans shower, is the spongebath. However, don't do this in your work bathroom unless you have access to another bathroom on some other floor where your co-workers don't go as defending the sponge bath will be worse than defending spandex. And if you do find a bathroom like this, then beware of closet dumpers. Closet dumpers are co-workers who roam the floors looking for remote bathrooms to take a dump in so that they won't have to face co-workers coming in or going out, but that's a whole other topic. Perhaps the best option is to spongebath in a gas station near your work, but that is shady and it won't be long before they kick your ass out, so look for that remote closet dumper bathroom for sponge bathing. Just be aware that you might have an uncomfortable conversation on your hands when a closet dumper awkwardly pops in to do his business.

Review: Park Tool BBQ-2 grill set

2009-08-19T08:49:00.006-06:00

Cyclists are an eclectic group, and they sure don't all get along. There are the roadies, pre-occupied with the power numbers, setting personal bests, and besting everyone they meet on the trail even if it means passing them as they have a flat tire and are wantingly looking for help. Then there's the mountain bikers, laid-back, overweight according to the obsessed roadies, and more interested in fun and the after-ride beer than how many other riders they could pass. Throw in the hipsters with their little handlebars, oversized gearing, and no brakes, and then mix it all together with bmx riders, charity riders, mega-huck downhillers, recumbent riders and triathletes.

What do all of the members of this group have in common? Not much, but if you take away the triathletes and some roadies, what you are left with as a common denominator is a group of people who enjoy working on their bikes. What better product to bring all of the groups together than the Park Tool BBQ-2 grill set.

First off, let me just say that Park Tool did not totally unsolicited send me a BBQ-2 set to review, in fact I've never seen a Park tool BBQ-2 set in person at all. As such, I will have to make stuff up as I review this seemingly great product.

Park Tool is the holy grail of bike tools. Any shop worth their weight in titanium will be well stocked with Park Tools tools. As you know, titanium is light and expensive so being worth their weight in that says a lot, right? Any home bike mechanic will have his fair share of Park Tool products as that will make him look very Euro and pro. Bicycling magazine even gives Park Tool tools away when your ex-boyfriend takes the bike back that he bought for you. What I'm trying to say is that Park Tool kicks ass.

The finish on the BBQ-2 set is simply what you would expect from Park Tool with their signature blue handle and beefy product. You wouldn't buy a Porsche and expect the quality of a Chevy Cavalier, nor should you expect anything but the best from Park Tool.

The spatula appears like it not only flips burgers, but could also do second-duty as a pedal wrench. The tongs flip chicken, kabobs, and vegetables and also double as spanner wrenches.

If I had a Park Tool BBQ-2 spatula and were flipping burgers with it I might mention that it flips burgers in a quick and precise manner, consistent with other high-end spatulas. The handle might employ a rigid yet forgiving feel.

The spring action of the tongs might have more pop than an old Manitou suspension fork while still giving an accurate and grippy feel, exactly what you need for picking up chicken.

Overall I think that I would really like to flip burgers in my backyard with the Park Tool BBQ-2 grill set had they totally unsolictedly sent me a set to review.

Bicycling-type summary
Buy it if: You like working on bikes and grilling up dead animals.

Pass it up if: You are a triathlete and don't know what the big deal about Park Tool is or are yuppie scum who hates grilling and gets most meals at Outback.

How to change a flat fast

2009-08-17T08:52:00.007-06:00

It's been a little while since the lemming has made a quality post, he's been having too much fun reading the submissions of readers from the previous photo caption contest. That and nice weather and more miles in the saddle have put entertaining others on the back burner. But as an interesting sidenote, Feedburner reports that the lemming has almost 100 subscribed readers now. Seriously? That's more than I ever expected with my satirical look at the sport that I love and I have to thank everyone who actually reads the ramblings I put on to this blog, actual readers are more like 7 if I had to guess. Hopefully I've found everyone who has linked to me and put them in my Friends of the Lemming section, if I haven't just email me.

I was trying to keep up with the blogs of my readers the other day when I noticed Travels with my Mule had a link to a cycling site with rank potential. Not the smelly rank you might expect, like your gloves smell like when you don't wash them for weeks of riding, but ranking of sites that put themselves on there in some sort of popularity game.

Anyway, long story short, I went and added the lemming there so that people could rank it all they wanted, whether it be to say they love it or that it's the worst thing they've ever seen and they only read it once because highlights of this years MS150 didn't get aired on the local news like was promised and they needed to see something bike related.

Click on the picture above and I can see if I rank up there with the cool kids (like the top secret site BikeSnobNYC always mentions) or if I'll keep getting stuffed in to my locker. While you're there you should vote for Travels with my Mule as well and check out Philip's site if you never have. Right now there are so few blogs there that the lemming is doing awesome, it's like winning your category at a local race when you are the only one signed up. It feels good until people ask, "1st place, out of how many?" and you have to sadly tell them "one". But I digress, now on to the fun stuff....

I opened my email the other day to some more awesome Active.com spam. Never being one to be able to look away from a train wreck, I excitedly looked through the email for things that might pique my interest.

I looked on with horror... First hint, if you are changing a flat don't flip your bike upside down or try to disassemble the pulley wheels even if you are trying to save a few watts. That's never a good idea, people sit on the side of the road for hours covered in chain grease with random strangers trying to help them get the back wheel back in when they flip the bike upside down. Great if you are looking to meet new people while standing there in spandex, and like being covered in chain grease, bad if you want to ride. But anyway, that's a whole other subject..

Luckily, to my relief I found that the video (shown below in it's entirety) does not recommend flipping the bike upside down to fix a flat fast in 5 minutes and 40 seconds, instead you merely "open the wings of the brake lever", slide the wheel out, and fix the flat with the flat-changing equipment you've gotten out of the seat bag you removed from under the seat.

Now that, you'll have to admit, was some good stuff. I personally can not wait for the informational chain lubing video. I wonder what kind of luber Gale is?

Photo caption contest

2009-08-12T14:38:00.002-06:00

A perfectly timed photo from PerfectlyTimedPhotos.com.

Rather than write a commentary on it, the lemming has decided to open it up to a caption contest. Winners of the contest will receive absolutely nothing, I don't have cool prizes like BikeSnobNYC does. I am working on a contest with prizes, but nothing so far.

A picture can say 1000s of words, especially as grimacing bystanders watch you smack your face on your own front tire. So here we go, what is your caption?

What's wrong with racing in a speedo??

2009-08-10T08:52:00.004-06:00

The lemming had a pretty good blog draught going, and honestly he was ok with that. There are even things waiting to be written, just general laziness is keeping them from coming to fruition. Last night he read the latest issue of Bicycling, and while I thought it would rile him up, it didn't, he just sat there peacefully afterwards.

Then today it hit him, the typical Active.com email spam that he receives, with a simple question, "What's wrong with racing in a speedo??"

The lemming says if you don't know, then no one can help you. There's something to be said about a blissful and innocent existence, running around in a banana hammock, totally unaware of the cries of children and shrieks from women. We salute you Mr. Age Group Triathlete Speedo Wearer!

Unfortunately, asking the question again and again in the same forum could be considered slightly tacky. Which, in that case, we'll have to rescind our salute because you are probably just trying to justify something that you already know the answer to.

Women's triathlons, devil girls, and romantic weekends

2009-08-03T09:27:00.004-06:00

This weekend was the annual women's triathlon over here in Pottawattamie. The problem was I didn't know the triathlon was going on as I headed over to the route I chose to ride this weekend. As I got closer signs and barrier fences started to emerge and dread started to come over my furry little body. Would I have to re-route? Would I not be able to resist the trainwreck and end up spending 4 hours watching people stumble out of the water as they ran clumsily to their slicked mountain bikes?

Luckily neither was the case and I was allowed to go about my ride directly on the course, which as luck has it is a recreational racer wannabes dream come true. See as a recreational racer wannabe you should always find opportunities to "test your mettle" against others. This course is also used for an annual time trial where recreational riders try to draft and follow and pass and pass out the paid racers as they go about their race. Stellar for the recreational riders, not so fun for the actual racers.

Luckily for most racers this weekend they were much faster than me anyway, I was left sad, alone and defeated, with only visions of race numbers sharpee'd on the calf. I guess perhaps I wasn't trying that hard, in the back of my mind I was thinking about tattooed Swedish devil girls. If you haven't read this story it's a weird one. 5 tattooed "devil girls" pulled a bloke off his bike and sexually molested him. I don't know what to think about the story, when I hear devil girls all I can think about is this guy.

Most guys will be quick to point out "what a lucky guy" and "I need to go ride in Sweden" as they envision the Swedish bikini team accosting them, to which most women will get disgusted with them, saying it's no laughing matter. But to play devil's advocate (pun alert), what if the devil girls are spitting images of the Red Devil above? Sorry for ruining the fantasy... Just to play it safe you should probably forget about trying to find the devil girls and instead spend a romantic weekend with Chris Carmichael.

Simply sign up for the wildly-popular CTS Create Your Own Comeback program and you can spend a romantic Valentine's day with CTS at a cycling camp probably learning things such as which sports drink is best, how to ride your bike, how to win the city limit sprint, getting tips on bumping in to friends on a grassy field and all sorts of useful information such as that. If you have a significant other, well, it's highly likely that you won't after you spend Valentine's Day at a cycling camp, and you may be out there looking for the tattooed devil girls after all.

My submission for the BikeSnobNYC Fat Cyclist knuckle tattoo tribute contest

2009-08-01T12:55:00.004-06:00

Figured I should get in on the bandwagon...

It may shed some light on as to why "Some American rider was very upset because he was positioned to be in yellow and some Swiss team worked to close the gap."

Has anyone else submitted an entry?

Speechless

2009-07-30T10:05:00.005-06:00

It's been a quite some time since the lemming has brought up the guys over at RoadBikeRider. Heck, the lemming has even enjoyed a couple of articles lately such as the Hot Date and Tour de Shrink in Scott's Spin, finding them witty and entertaining, in a RoadBikeRider sort of way, not that there is anything wrong with it.

However, the lemming worked himself up in to a frenzy today when he saw the title, "Is it OK to Alternate Water and Sports Drink?" in the current newsletter.

Is It OK to Alternate Water and Sports Drink?

Q: I'm confused about the proper concentration of sports drinks. If I carry one bottle of sports drink and one bottle of water, alternating swigs, won't I dilute the sports drink and reduce its effectiveness? -- Mandy W.

Obviously the reader is confused and needs a lot of good advice, so it's time to put on my coaching hat and answer her question.

Mandy, first of let me just say thank you for letting the lemming chime in. You are wise to be concerned with mixing sports drinks and water. You didn't give indication of your sports drink of choice, but hopefully you are using one with a magic 4:1 ratio carb-protein ratio so that you can increase your time to exhaustion should you want to do a lot of one-legged exercising (no comments from the peanut gallery please, you know who you are :)).

But even if you aren't using a magical 4:1 ratio drink, reaching a personal best on every ride you do will not happen alternating swigs of water with sports drink. Do you think Stevil ever alternates swigs of Bud with water? Hell no! That would decrease Bud's effectiveness. Remember the guy the marathon is named after? Legend has it he died. I'm no historian, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he didn't have access to sports drinks. That should say enough right there.

Now let's discuss how you are drinking your sports drink. While reaching your personal best, you are going to encounter a lot of competition that don't even know they are racing you. You don't have time to reach down for a water bottle or risk having that alter your heart rate beyond the plan your CTS coach has prescribed (if you are not training with power that is {wink}). That's why I recommend the contraption from AeroNet pictured above. As a bonus, you don't even have to reach back in your pocket to eat, perfect for those impromptu bike trail competitions.

So, summing it all up, and I know I'm hard to follow. You never EVER want to mix sports drink and water AND you want to use a sports drink on EVERY ride regardless of how short it might be, don't forget the recovery drink! You need those 60 grams of sugar. Lastly, please let me know what sports drink you are using so that I can buy stock in the company.

Ten thousand spoons?

2009-07-28T06:25:00.001-06:00

Why ten thousand spoons? Every time I hear "it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife" I think of a gray field of thousands of creepy-assed spoons standing around staring at you while "The End" by the Doors is played off in some barn, clear enough for you to hear as if it was right beside you. Ten thousand spoons, that's a lot of spoons. It would have been easier to say, "it's like a drawer full of spoons when all you need is a knife", but even then it still wouldn't be ironic.

What might be considered ironic though, is riding on a busy street, encountering a firefighter (Charles Diez) who wants to give you a safety tip about about how unsafe it is to ride on a busy street, and then shoots you in the head to teach you that lesson. Amazingly the helmet stopped the bullet, which opens the door to a whole bunch of easy jokes for an unfortunate situation. Read all about the irony here.

I'm not sure what's worse, getting shot in the head but being saved by your helmet or getting hit by a full can of Coors light at highway speeds while out on a ride. I suppose the lesson here, going by Charles' line of thinking, is that getting hit by a beer can may teach you how unsafe it is to ride on a road while others are out unsafely drinking and driving. The can of Coors light again opens the door to a whole bunch of easy jokes in an unfortunate situation.

Irony aside, just goes to show there is a lot of crazy shit going on in peoples' heads out there...

Taper complete

2009-07-27T16:05:00.005-06:00

Well the lemming is back from the blog taper, RAGBRAI was a success. I suppose now that my taper is complete I should peak and enter blogging in a pure race form that only J-Lo could surpass. Is anyone still out there?