He tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.’

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’What massive calves you have!’

The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.’

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, ‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass!’

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot ‘n BBQ’d the little b*stard.

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me”, he said,
She said, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
Number 1, you have to be single………..and Number 2, you must be a Catholic”.
The man said, “Yes, I am single and I am a Catholic!”.
The Nun said, “OK then, pull into the next alley”.
He does and the Nun fuilfills his fantasy……
But when they get back on the road again, the man started to cry…
“My dear child”, said the Nun, “Why are you crying?”.
“Forgive me Sister but I have sinned,
I lied,
I must confess
I’m married,
and I’m a Baptist”.

The Nun said, “Oh that’s OK,”

“I am on my way to a Halloween party”

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46.. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,  "Code 3 in Houseware. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a  reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

At age 12 success is… Having friends.

At age 18 success is… Having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is… Having money.

At age 50 success is… Having money.

At age 70 success is… Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is… Having friends.

At age 80 success is… Not peeing in your pants.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. ‘Logic?’ Bubba says. ‘What’s that?’
The dean says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.’
‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’
‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’ ‘Yes, I do have a house.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’ ‘I have a family.’
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.’
‘Yes, I do have a wife.’
‘And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’ ‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.’ Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. ‘Logic?’ Jim Bob says, ‘What’s that?’
Bubba says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?’
‘No.’
‘Then you’re a queer.’

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song….. 

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent,and deadly. 

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while……

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget…….
Sweet old farts like you!

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Sammy."

"Sammy! But he is your enemy !"

"Yes, I know that ! I’ve suffered all these years so let him suffer now."