I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of going through prior notebooks and notes trying to figure out what went wrong. I just want to do this!! I’m so much more than my weight and I remember being younger and just completely enjoying everyday. What happened to that person? I can’t believe that growing up and maturing takes all the fun out of life. While I’ve never been a social butterfly, I do remember going to concerts, events and even the movies by myself. I wasn’t sitting in front of the TV wasting my life away. What am I sitting here waiting for?
I hate all these sugar laden foods that have caused me this heartache.  All these fatty non-healthy foods that have created this insulated shell around who I really am.  I do.

It’s the fault of these momentary pleasures that I have not made longterm memories because of the years I have wasted. I don’t even want to count the years I’ve wasted. Maybe I needed to.

I’m funny about food.  Part of my addiction and binging issues include keeping a mental tab of what “no no” food I have in my house.  Like I can tell you right now that I have 3 Sweet & Salty granola bars in the cupboard, an unopened 8 pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups and 1/2 quart of my favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer.  It’s like flashing neon post-it notes are everywhere  reminding me that I ‘could’ totally sink my teeth into something so comforting RIGHT NOW!  It’s there… just go for it.

And what’s even funnier is that I seem to have no issue letting salad mix, raw vegtables and fruit go bad… to the point where there is no option and I MUST throw them in the garbage… but with indulgence foods — I can’t just throw them out.  Internally I struggle saying I’m wasting money if I do that.  I have to eat it all.   Can’t waste… EAT IT ALL JEN!   So since we all know that twinkies and the such NEVER go bad.. I mean look at all the preservatives in that shit… it’s not like I’ll ever HAVE to throw it out.  How do I get beyond this?

I know, don’t buy it…  But it’s already past that.  I already own it.  It’s the moment I’m in right now, which is hardest because I’ve not binged at all the entire day… and since it’s 8:41 PM — I think I’m going to make it through today.  First non-binge day in about 2weeks (since the Cheesecake Factory visit for K’s goodbye party)   I can do this.  Drink my water… and worry about all the junk food in my house tomorrow.  Sad to say it’s actually comforting knowing that it’s there… like a best friend or something.  Or you know, in case a natural disaster happens overnight and I need to break into it to keep from starving.  @@ Nice.

The last seven days have really tested me.   When I think about what all is not going well, the one thing that is… is my eating!  That’s unusual.  My sister lives on the East coast of Japan.  Need I say more?  I’ve not had a panic attack since I though my house was going blow up because I thought I hit a gasline planting geraniums.  Funny story, I’ll have to share sometime.   But the attacks are offically back.

Last Thursday night when Shelly called to ask if I knew about the earthquake, I couldn’t even keep my hands still enough to function the remote to change the channel — only getting the channel to CNN in time to see that they just ‘happened’ to capture live images of the tsunami hitting land, I don’t think I could have been much more stressed.

Skip to today.  My mother went into the hospital yesterday because she couldn’t breathe.  She’s had a bad case of the flu (even put on Tamiflu) and we all thought it was related to that.  Wrong.  Found out this morning my mom actually had a small heart attack.  WTF??  Seriously?  MY mom?  That happens to other families… not mine.  Sure she’s overweight… but not NEARLY as overweight as me.  And being overweight does not neccessarily mean you WILL have a cardiac event.   I think I’ve been betting against that… almost trying to prove that although I’m obese, I’m healthy.  But… if that doesn’t wake you up to the mortal reality of your family, I don’t know what will.

I only hope I lose it in time to make a difference.  And how can I be a support to my mom and to try to get her to be healthier when I’m literally playing craps with my health myself?

Geez… I’ve not made a post since November?   Doesn’t seem like that’s right, but I guess so.

Well it’s been a bittersweet couple of months.  Bitter because I’ve gained weight.  I hate running down the stairs and feeling the extra weight jiggle.  Yes, even at my weight, you can tell when you’re carrying more.  Sweet because I’ve not had to keep myself accountable.  It’s been an eating free-for-all.  That’s always fun.  I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays and made my routine promise to myself on Dec 31st that 2011 would be ‘the’ year…. sound familiar? 

Ya, that lasted until about Jan 3rd.

That’s ok.  I’m not a failure until I stop trying…. and with that, it’s time to get back with the program.  I’m back on Nutrisystem and that feels good.  The first few days are always the hardest, but I’m past that.  Right now, I’m not craving anything sweet… I’m about a week into this attempt. 

Last weekend, I spent some time with S and the gang.  Had a great ‘adult’ lunch.  I forget how much I miss that.  Seems like all my friends have kids now and our lives don’t always match up.  It’s just life.  It’s friends with ‘add-ons’ LOL.  No, I love kids… I do.  It’s just hard when you can’t relate to having to get up at 2:00 AM for feedings…   anyways, all that to say that eating was totally out of control.  After our adult lunch, I ended up buying 2 boxes of Girl Scout cookies out front of a local grocery store.  They were gone within the next 24 hours.  Add that to the multiple grilled cheese sandwiches I ate the rest of the weekend — you get the idea.

So it’s good.  It’s kinda good.  Feeling in control and I like that.   Even given the stress with the earthquake in Japan (my sister’s family lives on the coast there) on Thursday night… I didn’t cave.

Well I was actually up last week again… gulp… but out of town and didn’t get a chance to update.  I’m back to 265.8 — which makes it look like I’m staying the same for the past number of weeks.  UGH.  It’s better than gaining though.  I have a new food shipment coming this week, so hopefully this will renew my dedication to getting this journey going.  Halloween aftermath was challenging.  Very happy to say there is no junk food in my house…

Not happy to report a 2 lb gain for 265.8.   What can I say?  I really struggled this week.    Hoping to turn it around and stop playing this bouncy bouncy with the scale.

Conferences, baby-shower, and stress — oh my!

Well… no change this week.  Still at 263.8.  I’ll take it though.  This week was an anomaly with a number of events packed in the same 7 days.  Started last Sunday went I drove down to Palo Alto to attend a conference, and then being out of the office for 2 days… came back and had to work double time to catch up on requests, etc.  Ended the week on Saturday by throwing a baby shower for a good friend at work.  Eating was nowhere near where it needs to be and I went to the gym exactly 0 times. 

This week will return it back to somewhat normal.  After I spent Sunday feeling sorry for myself on the couch, I’ve already been up… at the gym for an eliptical workout and have packed my ‘on plan’ lunch to take to work.  I need to drop my car off this morning to get fixed after the small accident a couple weeks ago— but other than that, this will be a boring normal week — or so I hope.

Weigh-in is 263.8  for a loss of 2 lbs. for the week.

So I have to admit that I was quite shocked with the number of comments I received on my last post.  A week later, yes… it does seem like a ‘duh’ moment that maybe perhaps I shouldn’t have bought those pizza rolls in the first place, but that’s the struggle with food addiction.  I do agree that’s it’s not just food — for me at least, but dammit, I wish it was.

I was not ‘perfect’ this week…. and what does perfect mean?  It’s simply getting in 3 pointers days for eating on plan, drinking daily quota of water, and getting in at least 30 minutes of exercise.  The difference this week from last week is that I didn’t stress that I had something I shouldn’t have…. and I also didn’t let it blend into an excuse to blow the next meal.  By doing this, I was able to successfully get through my personal detox and I’m very happy to say that my eating is currently in control.

I’m a visual person.  For me, I picture this ‘switch’ in my head… and if I go off eating food that’s not good for me (sugar, corn syrup, high fatty food, fried food, etc) in a quantity enough to ‘flip’ the switch… that I get into the situation I’ve been trying to overcome the past 4 months.  It feels awesome to feel like I’m in control for the most part.  It feel simply wonderful. 

I faced the scale today.  265.8 

Not happy, but no one to blame but myself.  I was watching a Ricky Gervais comedy special last night and a portion of his routine was about how people say obesity is a disease…. of course he was poking fun at it… and I did chuckle with it, but I have mixed feelings.

I’m intelligent, I successfully function in society, I know right from wrong… why can’t I master THIS???  It’s just food.  Its.  Just.  Food.

I’ve rejoined a challenge on Nutrisystem — Interestingly enough it’s called “Turning Over a New Leaf” — how’s that for duplicate meaning?  I an hoping that by having something to keep me accountable, I’ll do better since I’m no longer checking in with Mom.. and Sunday AM weigh-ins with Leah have kinda fallen by the wayside.  I’ve eaten everything in site for the past couple months and I feel horrble.  Sluggish, blobby, sick.  Yesterday I ate an entire bag of those Tostito Pizza Rolls…. after I had a Big Mac Value Meal.  I’m totally eating out of control and I know that.  I need to get my brain chemicals back in order.  I know I do a lot better once I’m back into controlled eating for 3 days.  Usually takes a few days.

Hopefully come Wednesday, I’ll be feeling more in control.

I don’t know if I’m just determined to be unhappy in Fall or what, but I have a huge funk that I’m struggling with.  It’s like this overwhelming wall of doom… and I talk myself into thinking that I’m not performing to par at work…. that my car is going to break down…. that everyone thinks I’m stupid — yes, I realize none of this is true.  I just got a review at work and it was the best to date.  Yes, I’ve gotten some constructive criticism within the past week, but that’s no reason to go to these extremes.

I had a mini melt-down at work today “A” happened to call right as I was middle of it.  For once, I was really happy to see his caller ID on the cell.  He talked me down.  I think I just don’t feel like I’m adequate in the job I have.  I feel like there’s 1000s of people who could do it better and it worries me.  I also think stress of flying back to IL at the end of the week for Mom’s surgery is adding to this feeling.  If it were a vacation, I’d cancel.  I just have way too much going on.  But do I?  When I try to write it down, it doesn’t seem like whole lot. 

I’m a mess.

I’m really trying HARD to not drive to Trader Joe’s to get my mint chocolate chip ice cream… trying REALLY hard.  I’m hoping if I just get it out of my head, the urge will pass.  UGH.