Bio Girl

Pre-Op

2012-03-06T07:34:00.001-05:00

I went to my pre-op appointment for my surgery yesterday. All is well and we are officially good to go for endo removal. My surgery isn't until 1:30 in the afternoon on Thursday and they said to plan on being at the surgery center for six to eight hours. Oh, and I can't eat after 4am. So.... if you do the math, most likely I will go to bed on Wednesday night, and not eat a thing until 7pm on Thursday. Now that will be crash dieting.

Speaking of dieting, when I weighed in at the doctor my nurse was like, "Um... are you TRYING to lose weight? If not, we might have something else going on. You are down 14 pounds from last August!". I was extremely pleased.

The basic appointment went fine. They are a little worried they could have to remove the ovary, which would be sad. I like my ovary. We have been together a long time. Still, I told him to do whatever he needs to do. If my little ovary cannot be saved, just go ahead and put her out of her misery.

We also talked about the Mirena IUD. I told him to put it in if both of my tubes are blocked. Otherwise I thought I might wait a couple of months, just in case of miraculous conception against all infertile odds. After I got home and mentioned it to Nick it was clear he would rather me go ahead and have it put in. That treating my endometriosis should be a priority. That we tried to "see what happens" and what happens is giant cysts and terrible pain. After my last surgery in 2007 we also tried on our own and nothing happened then but pain then either.

So.... I think I am going to tell him no matter what he finds, just put in the IUD. He says it's a great treatment for endo. At this point I am ready to embrace the family I have been given, move on from the dream of another pregnancy and try to be as healthy as possible. If we ever decide we REALLY want another baby, I can have the IUD removed and we can go back into treatments. But we all know that at this point, my body isn't just going to get pregnant on it's own.

Sigh.

A lot of Wind, a Little (Followed by a Lot) of Snow

2012-03-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

Friday night we found ourselves all huddled together in my sister's inlaw's basement as the tornado sirens went off around us. Our area was given a 100% chance of having a tornado. School released early, the University where I worked closed. It was intense. Amazingly enough, our city managed to avoid any serious damage. But as I listen to them talk about Henryville on the news, it reminds me of how close it came, and how dangerous and out of our control something like natural disasters truly are.

We did manage to have at least a little fun playing with my dad's ipad while we waited out the storm. The Photobooth app... get it. You will enjoy it.

Sunday morning we woke up to a down pour of snow. Seriously, it looked like a white-out through our window. I quickly bundled up Henry and ran outside, only to have the snow completely stop. Like completely. Right as we stepped off the porch.

We ran back in, stripped off our coats and shoes, only to have the down pour start again. Shoes and coats back on, and back out we ran! It once again slowed way down, and there was no snow on the ground. Still, Henry kept saying "HENRY CATCH SNOW!! HENRY EAT IT!!" Our tiny little burst of snow brought some much needed laughs to a hard week. God, I love this boy.

Someone has a deep love for snow, even when it is only measured in millimeters.

"Henry EAT DA SNOW!"

Who says you need inches of snow to make it fun. One good burst falling from the sky made our weekend brighter.

This morning We actually woke up to a solid 5 inches of snow on the ground. Now THIS will be fun.

My back yard at 6:30 Monday morning. I don't know why it looks Blue. Maybe because the entire state of Kentucky turns Blue for the month of March...

Leap Day

2012-02-29T11:40:00.000-05:00

So it's leap year day. And it feels like that should mean something, and yet... I've got nothing. Did you know that since leap year was in the year 2000 (In the Year 2000!) that the leap years are now always on the years that are factors of 4. Now if you ever wander when the next leap year is, you just have to recite your multiplication tables and you will be set.

You will forever remember me and my blog for providing you this little tip. I knew if I talked long enough, I would find a way to work myself into your long term memory!

In other news, I had a feeling that the smiling for the camera phase might have been short lived. Now that he has come to realize the joy of seeing yourself on the screen, he has found a much more enjoyable face to make...and then laugh about.

"Henry Singing!"

"Mama, Mama, TAKE MY PICTURE!"

"Henry funny"

If his father in any indication, I think pictures like this will be common for the next 30 years.

*Surgery is scheduled for next Thursday to remove my cyst and any endometriosis they find. Hopefully it will go smoothly and will help to control all of this pain.

*We have a lot of things going on around here over the next few weeks, family stuff, surgery, Missy is moving, my work is crazy busy. I may be posting less, and those posts might be really short, or only contain a few pictures. Don't worry if I am gone. I am okay. I am just focusing on things away from the computer.

Explaining the Pain

2012-02-27T15:13:00.003-05:00

Well I broke down and went to the doctor on Friday. I knew I couldn't see my actual doctor, but I could get an appointment with the Nurse Practitioner, and after talking (crying...again) with the nurse on the phone I decided that was what I needed to do. I was just still in so much pain, and I couldn't wait ten days to see why.

Turns out I have a 6.5cm cyst on one of my ovaries. Actually, as the tech panned the ultrasound over she was like "Oh. Yes. This explains it." She then pointed at this tiny little sliver of tissue around the cyst and said "do you see that? That is the only bit of healthy ovarian tissue I can see. The rest is completely covered." She noted in the report that the cyst could be a classic cyst, or it could be a mass of endometriosis. Awesome.

The other ovary, not wanting to be left out, was not where it is suppose to be. Apparently the endo moved in and decided it was all for rearranging the furniture. So... those two things explain the pain. That and the fact that there is most likely a lot of endo in there they can't see on the ultrasound. Looks like I am heading directly for the OR, no passing go, no $200. Or at least, no $200 for me. I am sure this surgery will put more than $200 in several people's pockets.

Since my doctor was out of town I have to wait for a call from someone today or tomorrow to find out what he thinks. The Nurse Practitioner said they would basically just be calling to tell me my surgery date. She said not to worry, they should be able to get me in before my next cycle. Please god let that be true. I really don't thing I can make it through a repeat of last month. My eyes fill with tears every time I even think about it. It's not right to be terrified of your period.

Just in case you are still wanting to vote. We are in 17th. Yes, this thing lasts forever. I totally agree.

A New Morning Routine

2012-02-24T07:46:00.001-05:00

So, I have big news. News that, now that I come to think about it, is just insane that I haven't mentioned yet. Are you ready for it....

NICK GOT A JOB.

What? Are you not jumping up and down in your seats and heaving a deep sigh of relief? Just me? Well... right. That seems logical. You all eating isn't dependent on Nick working, but ME eating is. And... well... I like food. And a roof. So YAY FOR THE BIO GIRL FAMILY AND THEIR ABILITY TO EAT AND NOT SLEEP IN THE RAIN!

Where is Nick going to be working, you are asking me? Well turns out he is staying right here at the University! In the 11th hour they came through and decided to create a new position for him rather than lose him. I cannot tell you how rare this is around here. Like, nobody has ever really heard of it happening. It says a lot about Nick and his work ethic, that they were not willing to lose him. We feel extremely blessed and incredibly thankful.

And maybe a little bit stressed. The new job has lots of new responsibilities, which he is focusing on. The new job starts much earlier in the morning which I am focusing on. Because it has the ability to effect ME, and reasons such as that have a tendency to draw my attention. Actually most mornings the new start time will only really effect the babysitters. Right now they arrive at the house between 8:30 and 9. Down right leisurely, except when you think of the fact that two of them have an hour drive to get to our house. The new arrival time will be 7:30. So.... ouch for them. (sorry grandma's! But at least we can still eat and wont be moving in to your basements!) But there will be a few days a week where Henry will have to be driven to Boo's house to be with my mom and the girls. And for all of Henry's life, if he had to be driven somewhere in the morning, Nick has done it. Always. This is about to change.

Since Nick and I will now have to leave the house at the same time on a normal day, it was really a coin toss on who would drive him. Since I haven't had the privilege for the last two and a half years, I bravely said I would take the new responsibility. Noble, right? The main problem is that Henry never wakes up early. Never. Like his normal rise and shine time is after 9am. (I know). And on these mornings he is going to have to be in the car by 6:50. SIX FIFTY. That is down right the middle of the night to our sweet boy! So yesterday I decided I was going to do a trial run. I get the car warmed up, I have all our bags in and the doors open so the transition can be as smooth as possible. I have been dreading this. Knowing it will be awful. That he will cry the entire time. That it will take forever, that it will really put a wrench in my entire day.

I scoop him up, praying he will stay asleep. Still in his PJ's, still in his diaper. We are going with the 'grab and go child relocation method' here. He puts his head on my shoulder, but as soon we are outside he knows something is amiss.

"Mama?? What doing??"

'We are going to be with Nanny, baby. You can go back to sleep"

A few seconds pass as we pull out onto our street.

"Mama, FORGOT CLOTHES!" (since he was in his PJ's, and never in his life has he left the house in his PJ's)

"No baby, Mama packed them. Nanny will get you dressed later. You can go back to sleep."

A few seconds pass. I look back and he has his blanket pulled up to his chin. His legs streched and his arms behind his head. He says, "Too Loud. Music mama, need music."

We get to Nanny and he lays his head on my shoulder. "Mama go to work. Henry stay with Nanny. Love you Mama."

Turns out this thing I have been dreading was absolutely the highlight of my day. A few stolen minutes with my sweet boy. I will look forward to our mornings from now on. Those lucky days I get to spend time with my boy before work. What a perfect start to a day.

The Rules of Inheritance: A BlogHer Book Club Review

2012-02-23T07:34:00.001-05:00

This post is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club. Just like always, my opinions are my own. My opinions are not for sale! (picture me on a high horse)

I absolutely adored Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith. ADORED IT. It is a memoir of her life as an only child, living through both of her parents being diagnosed with cancer within of few weeks of each other in her early teens. Her mother loses her battle during Claire’s freshman year of college and her father loses his when she is in her early 20’s. The story is written on a non-linear timeline, so you never know what part of her life she will jump to next. It goes back and forth between childhood, college, each parents illnesses and death, her life after their deaths, and how she became the woman she is today. The jumping around sounds as if it would be hard to follow, but it actually allowed the flow of her story to make much more since. Starting at the begging, jumping to the end, then setting the pieces of her life in a line where they are more understandable. It much have been incredibly difficult to piece together in this way, but it created a beautiful story of her life.

The story of how she becomes the woman she is today is captivating and beautifully written. I found myself relating to her, even though we have very little in common. I thought so often of Henry when she spoke of being an only child. As she wrote of her father and his experiences in World War II, I thought constantly of my grandfather who passed away nearly six years ago. I cried through that entire section of the book. As she writes about finding herself in college after the death of her mother, I found myself comparing her journey to my own. So different, and yet constantly relatable.

She writes of her life and her loves, and she does so in a way that makes you feel like you understand her. That you truly know her, or at least that leaves you wanting to know her better. As soon as I was done reading I went to Claire Smith’s blog. I wanted to see her parents, see her life. There was something about this memoir that made me want to keep reading. And that is the mark of a wonderful book. Since this is a memoir and Claire is a blogger, I will get to do just that. I can pick up from now and follow along with her story.

I highly recommend Rules of Inheritance. We will be discussing it over the next several weeks with the BlogHerBook Club. Please come join in the conversation!

And just in case you are interested... (currently #14)

Shifting the Mood

2012-02-22T11:37:00.001-05:00

So I am thinking we need some serious mood shifting around these parts. Am I right? I mean, my last two posts.... sort of downers. So I am thinking this might make everyone feel just a little better...
Am I right? I mean, doesn't he just melt your heart? Or is that just his Mama's heart... either way, I think we can all agree that this makes us feel better than my crying on the phone to a poor receptionist. And what about this one??

I cannot tell you how pleased I am that he seems to finally be willing to smile for the camera when I say "CHEESE!". I mean... he does at least 5% of the time. With the number of pictures I take 5% isn't too shabby.

Or how about we lift the mood by showing you a sweet picture of me and Nick from ten years ago? Yes, this is a picture of a (blurry) picture, and yet I love it! We are so young... so innocent... so SKINNY! I actually mentioned on Facebook and Twitter last night that I remember thinking I looked fat in that tank top. Isn't that just disgusting? (If you are curious how that is possible, I was insanely skinny in high school and this was after I had put on about 25 VERY NEEDED pounds. I had usually worn clothes that were too big for me to hide my tiny size and so this fitted tank felt like it was showing off my "belly". I know. Idiot.)

Anyway, this skinny nature of myself in this picture reminds me that I can tell you about how well I am doing on my diet with My Fitness Pal! It has been three weeks and I have lost 7.1 pounds! That means I am at an even 10 pounds since January 1st. You all, I am so thrilled with this. My clothes are loose, I am even thinking of trying on my pre-pregnancy jeans soon. Yes, they are four years old. I am hoping styles haven't changed that much... Anyway, I have another 5-10 pounds to go, but I am currently smaller than I was when I walked in to my first OB appointment. That is just thrilling.

So, mood lifted, right? Thank you for your sweet comments yesterday. They made me feel much better. It has just been a rough few days.

Here is that trusty link to vote again. We are currently in 12th. A this rate, I dont know if we have a chance at staying in the top 25, but that's REALLY okay. This is WAY more intense voting than last year, and just yesterday I admitted to not thinking I should be on the list. It's an honor to be recognized and all that jazz. But if you want to vote, it does give me joy to see my vote count climb.

Not Exactly Inspirational...

2012-02-21T08:47:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how I feel about this "Most Inspirational Family" thing. Not because I don't think it's an amazing list, but really, because I am not sure I should be on it. Is that sort of awful to admit when I am asking you all to vote? I look at the other blogs on the list this year, and man are they inspirational. Fathers suddenly dying leaving the mother pregnant to raise their family on their own, mother and daughter both fighting cancer, raising a preemie who was born at 28 weeks. Inspirational. And as for us.... well? We feel awfully normal in comparison.

Yesterday I called my doctor to make an appointment to talk surgery. The receptionist told me he was out of town this week and completely booked next week. He could see me March 5th. And I burst into tears. You all. I BURST INTO TEARS. Not with the doctor or the nurse, but with the poor receptionist. Not like shaky voice on the phone, like open sobs as the receptionist said "Oh no.... please don't cry....".

It was exceptionally awkward. She had a nurse call me back, mainly because she had no idea what to say. And I cried on the phone with the nurse and told her "I am fine. REALLY. FINE. I am just an emotional crier." There wasn't much to say. They would see me in two weeks. They are sorry.

I called Nick to tell him and I broke down on the phone. "They...can't....see me... until March...5th..." He says "Well that seems rediculo....wait. That isn't really that far away, right?"

Me. "Right..."

Him "So..."

Me "I don't know WHY I AM CRYING LIKE THIS!"

A few hours later I had it under control, but not before crying several times in the lab and having to have awkward conversations of "I am really okay... just emotional this morning...". By lunch I felt like myself, but at 4:30 I was having terrible hot flashes, which... What the fuck is this about?? I ignore them and go to class. One more thing to mention at my appointment that feels a world away.

I am better today. I feel like myself. And that is a much better place to be. But still, do I feel even an ounce of inspirational? No, not really. But here is the link, since I have spent the entire post talking about it. Vote if you want. We are currently in 10th. And check out some of the other blogs if you have time. They have hold some amazing stories.

The Endo Issue

2012-02-20T08:52:00.001-05:00

The last week has been a real struggle with my endometriosis. Like to the point that it was the worst few days I have had since before Henry was born. There was a time on Saturday that I seriously considered asking Nick to take me to the emergency room, but why? I know what I have. I know there is really nothing to be done. It wasn't a emergency, it was just excruciatingly painful. I think possibly I had a cyst that burst on my right side, but there isn't any way to know for sure. I do know the amount of bleeding was sorta alarming. And that even on pain medication I had a hard time walking from one side of my house to the other. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. Which... I am sure you can imagine, isn't that easy with a two year old who wants to play with his Mama on the weekend.

I always struggle with the line of when to go to the doctor for my endo. I know my options and I know where I stand. If I am not wanting to be on birth control, then I see no real reason to go unless I am ready to talk surgery. This weekend I realized I was ready to talk surgery. And yet I always have this fear that I am jumping the surgery gun. I can feel my cousin shaking her head at me right now, but I can't help but feel my feelings! I worry that as soon as I tell my doctor how bad it is, that it will get better. That maybe this weekend was all about a cyst and not about my endometriosis. It is the difficult thing about having a disease you cannot see with out surgery. It leaves a lot of questions, a lot of self evaluations. And I am terrible at self evaluations.

What I do know is that I lost this weekend to pain. I didn't get to spend it with my family, I had to spend it in bed on medication. And still, I couldn't stop the tears, I couldn't keep it under control. If these had been work days, there is no way I could have come in. And that is always my line. If even on pain medication I can't function, it's time to talk to the doctor. I will let you know what he says.

I am still collecting votes for Inspirational Family over with Circle of Mom's! We are currently in 7th place. If you have a second, please click over and vote!

Also, I have a new blog post up over at Bloggers for Hope about Endometriosis treatment options (Ha... kinda fitting for today, right? It's all Endometriosis all the time around these parts) Click over if you are interested!

Graduation

2012-02-17T07:58:00.000-05:00

Henry graduated out of Speech Therapy this week.

Helllooooo ladies. Would you like to have a conversation? Maybe even with sentences containing seven to nine words and correctly using -ing and plural? I am totally game.

I don't even know how to talk about his speech delay anymore. Because at this very moment, it is easy to let myself feel like it was never a thing at all. We had questioned pulling him out of speech several times over the last few months, but decided to just let the therapists make the decisions and ride it out until the end. This week was his one year review and he officially tested out, all on his own. The evaluation showed he is right on track, which is exactly where we thought he would be. There were no surprises. His speech feels like a non-issue these days.

And yet...on Wednesday, as I sat in a meeting with his therapist and our case worker and we talked about how far he has come, about how well he is doing, about how smart he is, I was reminded of sitting there with these women a year ago. About the fear and worry that had settled in my heart as we would go through session after session and he would continue to not say a word. Not. A. Word. How I would look at the therapist with fear in my eyes and say "Are you sure... are you sure this is normal? Are you SURE he will EVENTUALLY start talking?"

She said she was sure. And she was right.

You don't realize how important having a child who can communicate with you can be until yours is at the age where you think he should be able to do it, and he isn't. A year ago it was a constant struggle to know what he wanted. Now, we just ask him. It's a wonderful feeling.

Thank you all for your votes yesterday! As of last night we were in 1st place, which is extremely cool. This morning we have dropped back down to 4th, which is still an awesome spot. You can vote everyday, so here is a link, if you have time.

Also, take a look at some of the other blogs on the list if you have time. Some of them are truly amazing. Fill disclosure, some are much more inspirational that we are around here. It is a honor to be listed with the women.

Thanks for voting!

Circle of Moms Top 25 Inspirational Families

2012-02-16T06:30:00.000-05:00

For those of you who were reading around these parts last year, you may remember that I was in the running for Circle of Mom's list of top 25 most inspirational families. I begged you all to go vote for us and you guys were so great! I ended up collecting enough votes to come in 4th, which to this day blows my mind and gives me joy deep in my heart.

Well, last night I got an email that I am once again on the list of potential blogs for 2012. So here I am again, asking for your votes. I am not at all sure this blog is inspirational, but I do love to write it. And I love that you all come here and read. Having my blog listed feels like a small validation of my writing, even if it is a validation I am mostly getting on my own by begging my readers to vote. I will try to not be annoying about it this year, but I will attach the little "vote for me" button on the bottom of my posts while the contest is running. It is very easy to vote, no sign up or info required. Just click over and find Bio Girl on the list. We are currently in 3rd. Click the thumbs up and you are done. You can vote everyday if you are so inclined.

Just click here to vote!

Thanks for taking the time to vote for Bio Girl! I know it's silly, but it actually means a lot to me.

My Valentine

2012-02-14T11:27:00.001-05:00

He works harder than anybody I have ever known. Always busy at something for work or the house, the yard or our family. The man doesn't stop.

He loves his son. Oh my god, how he loves him. The play constantly, but he is also always teaching him. He will carry in a piece of wood for a project and will call out to Henry that he needs help. And together, they will walk it to where it needs to go. He always includes him, always thinks of him, always has his best interest in his heart. And at night time, when Henry should be in bed, often Nick is the one asking for 'five more minutes...'. Because even after a long day, he wants just a little more time with is boy.

He makes me laugh. He has this sense of humor that lifts my heart. He loves cartoons and cookies and milk. He is young at heart, and he keeps me young right along with him.

I love him more today than I did on our wedding day, and I loved him a LOT on that day.

I know it's cliche to talk about love on Valentine's Day. But I don't really care. I am so lucky to have him. As my husband, as the father to our son, as my partner, as my very best friend.

Better

2012-02-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

So that overwhelmed, exhausted feeling I talked about on Friday has eased up. The main reason is because Henry stayed the night with his Nana and Grandpa on Friday. That allowed me to spend three solid hours working on all the STUFF I needed to do. I am now completely caught up with class and my application is 100% finished. (Thank god!) I breathed a huge sigh of relief, ordered a pizza and spent the night with Nick on the couch watching Cowboys and Aliens. I don't remember the last time we actually watched an entire movie. It was glorious! (The time together. The movie was okay) After that I went to bed and slept for eleven hours and woke up a new person!

Between Saturday and Sunday I managed to spend a lot of time relaxing, had dinner with friends, brunch with friends, and went to an actual movie at the THEATER. NOT TOO BAD! For the record, the movie was The Vow. Also just okay, but still and enjoyable time.

Sometime during the week Nick watched an episode of How It's Made and decided he was up for the challenge of making sushi at home. I am as surprised as you are. We decided on California Roles, mainly to avoid actual raw fish on our first attempt, but also because I love them. They came out So. Great. You guys, they were amazing! Like, they tasted like they were from a restaurant! At this point I should have pictures of Nick making our California Rolls, but I didn't think of that until he was totally done. (I am sorta worthless). I did manage to snap a rather grainy picture with my iphone of the final product...

Impressive, right??

Anyway, I DID also realize I haven't posted a picture of Henry in like WEEKS. What is this blog coming to? But I didn't realize it until 10:15 on Sunday night, so.... Here is what he looks like when you surprise him with a camera a 10:15pm!

Startled, and yet adorable!

This is what he looks like when he gets tired of me telling him to "Smile! Henry. Henry. Henry. LOOK AT MAMA. Henry. SMILE!" and just goes back to Angry Birds.

And THIS is what he looks like about three seconds before he falls off the arm of the recliner.

Mother. Of. The. Year. (Don't worry too much, he fell cushion side, so it was a soft landing that only resulted in him saying "Henry fall down!")

You might be asking why on earth a two year old is up at 10:15pm. Well... He woke up from his nap at 4pm, but I was at the movie and Nick brought him out to the couch to just relax...and well... apparently they both fell asleep until 6pm. Right. Correction from above.

PARENTS. OF. THE. YEAR.

Exhaustion

2012-02-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

You know you are truly exhausted when you fall into bed at night and drift right off to sleep, only to enter a dream where you are about to start running a 5K (I like how, even in my dream, I am not overly ambitious. No marathon for me. I will stick with a 5K THANK YOU VERY MUCH) but I keep falling asleep at the starting line.

That's right, I am so tired I am falling asleep IN MY SLEEP.

This application to my masters program is taking a lot of time and energy. More than I expected, and right on the line of more than I have to offer right now. Work is crazy busy so I am on my feet for my entire ten hour shift, then I am rushing home to have dinner with my family,and then to sit at the computer and continue work on the application.

Last night after spending the evening writing my CV I asked Henry if he wanted to come jump on mama's bed. He ran into my arms and we started playing the Big Hug Game. He runs across the mattress and jumps into my arms and I give him a big hug, picking him up of the bed as he giggles. Then I open my arms and he falls onto the mattress, giggles turning into full blown laughter and delight. He leaps up and yells 'AGAIN!' So we do it again. And again and again. He has no idea how the Big Hug games is much more for Mama than Henry.

Papa joins us, picking up Henry and tossing him onto the bed. Henry asks Mama to lay with him, and we laugh and laugh. He then takes my hands and starts jumping all around the bed, yelling 'Henry is a JUMPING BEAN!'

At ten that night, after snacks and books, Henry is tucked in and sound asleep. I open my text book, reading a good chunk of the chapter I have due this week. I take notes and mentally plan out my paper on the subject. I email my references and attach my CV. Then, around midnight I open my personal book I am reading. Because I need just a little time for myself before I crash for the night.

Usually I have a pretty good balancing acting going on around here, but right now I am pushed thin. It's just a little much, and I am exhausted. But I refuse to give up what I enjoy most. Playing with Henry, spending time with Nick, seeing my family, reading, blogging. These are things I refuse to cut from my schedule. So my sleeping time keeps shrinking and for now, hopefully just for a little while, I will be tired enough to dream about sleep.

The Weird Sisters-A BlogHer Book Club Review

2012-02-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

This post is a book review for the BlogHer Book Club. It is a paid review, but as always my thoughts and feelings are my own.

The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown is most likely my favorite book I have read for BlogHer Book Club so far (it could possibly be tied with A Discovery of Witches, which I have now read twice and am anxiously awaiting the sequel). This is actually the exact type of book I was hoping to find when I signed up for the book club. It is an easy read and extremely enjoyable from start to finish.

The basic story is about three sisters, Rosalind (Rose), Bianca (Bean) and Cordelia (Cordy) whose father is a Shakespearean professor at a small college in Ohio. The story weaves in and out of the three sisters lives and tells you how they each end up returning to their childhood home, each a little broken and lost, to care for this sick mother. The narrators voice through out the story is a universal voice of the three sisters combine, commonly speaking for the joint prospective of the two sisters not at the center of the current chapter. The father speaks mostly in Shakespearean quotes. It is wonderfully written. The story is simple, and maybe it spoke to me because of the core family, two parents and three daughters, is just like my own. Although there were few similarities to my family beyond that point. My sisters and I have always been extremely close, and these three are not. And yet their sisterly love comes through in every single page of this story. They are so devoted to each other and to their parents, even if they swear they don't much care for one another.

The story is about family, and the ties that bind. It is sweet and sad and just wonderful. I highly recommend it. It doesn't disappoint.

We will be discussing The Weird Sisters over at BlogHer for the next several weeks. Come join in the conversation!

Application

2012-02-08T14:38:00.002-05:00

So you know how I am working on my Masters Degree? Yes? I keep reminding you? How could you forget? Right. Well, I am still doing that. And my class right now... Oh god, I love it. It is single handedly making me reevaluate what I want to do for a living. Not that that is extremely difficult. People talk about moving to Alaska to dig for gold and I am interested in signing up. I mean, you never know what you are good at until you try, right? And GOLD.... What could possibly go wrong??

Anyway, none of this is what this post is about. It isn't even about my class about Women's Health where I cannot seem to shut my damn mouth because apparently I feel that I know EVERYTHING about ANYTHING to do with reproductive health (which is our current topic). This post isn't even about the OTHER girl in class who keeps talking and I roll my eyes and say (in my head... of course) "PLEASE shut up! Let the professor talk. NOBODY CARES about your boyfriend's son's sex education class in middle school!" And then I catch myself on some spiel about some random 'body temping in relation to ovulation and family planning' (true example) and I realize that everyone in the class thinks that REALLY annoying girl and ME are exactly the same. *Hangs head in shame* *Raises hand again in class because I have just ONE MORE thing to add here...*

No, neither of those things are what this post is about, but clearly I should talk more about my class because I have LOTS to say. No, I am actually writing to tell you that I am in the process of applying for my graduate program. Which I bet you all assumed I was already in. Wrong! (Man, see how blogs can be misleading? Don't trust anything you read online these days. ) I have been taking these classes as a Post-Bach student, but last semester I hit my cap on classes allowed to be transferred into a program, so I have to apply to continue on with my degree.

No big deal, right? That's what I thought. I mean, it can't be much harder than just calling and telling them I want in, right? WHO WOULDN'T WANT ME?? Well, it remains to be seen if they actually want me, but the process of actually applying just might kill me. I have to have my transcripts sent, which is easy enough, but then I also have to enter in each class I have ever taken in my life. And not just like, write it out. Each one has to be entered in it's own little pop up box with like ten details. Do you all know how many classes I have taken? DO YOU? I just admitted to being sucked in to the idea of digging for gold. Can you IMAGINE how long it took me to pick a major?

On top of that I have to have 3-5 letters of recommendation, so I need to start talking to people about that. Not that I don't have people (I HAVE PEOPLE!) but just... I don't know. It seems like such a hassle to them.

But the gem of this entire process came up yesterday when I was asked to explain why I was placed on academic probation my freshman year. What exactly IS the politically correct way to say "I was young and stupid and partying and sleeping sounded SO MUCH MORE FUN than class!". Twitter was very helpful, telling me I should say "I was being treated for exhaustion". I wrote up a nice explanation which included things like "Lack of focus... probation allowed me to realize education was important to me...As you can see, from then on I did extremely well" bla bla bla. I wrote it in word, then went to copy and past it into the program. I mistakingly thought it said I had no more than 600 words to explain, but when I pasted it I realized I only had 600 CHACATERS! Do you know how few that is?? DO YOU KNOW ME AND HOW MUCH I LOVE TO TAAAAAALK???

So anyway, the entire point of this post is to tell you that I did it. I managed to squeeze in my entire explanation for being a young dumb ass of a feshman into 600 characters. Actually, it was 598. That, right there, is Twitter's practical use in everyday life. If anybody asks why you are wasting time on there, just say you are perfecting the art of being concise. It really will pay off in the end. You can use me as an example. I don't mind.

The In's and Out's of Being Two

2012-02-06T09:18:00.000-05:00

Henry has, hands down, the best stage fall I have ever seen in my life. He could go pro in the toddler stage fall. The smallest touch from Cici will bring on this body crumple, then a look up from the ground with eyes that say 'Did you SEE THAT?? Did you SEE what she has DONE to me! She should be PUNISHED!'

But oh how he is fun to play with right now. He gets games, he gets hide and seek. When Nick comes in from work he will look at me and say, "Oh no Mama, HIDE ME!!" as he lunges under the desk. As Nick walks into the room he will hear little giggles coming from under my feet as he says "Where is Henry?? Where is my BOY?" At which point Henry will jump out and yell something along the lines of "RAWR!!" And jump into Nick's arms.

He refuses to eat. I do what I swore I would never do and will make him multiple dinner options just to attempt to get SOMETHING in him. Begging him to just take ONE bite! Just TRY IT! Which is met with a definitive "NO. ALL DONE." It is maddening.

But then sometimes, when I ask what he wants to eat he will put his finger on his chin and tilt his head to the side and say "Hmmmmm..... peanutBUTter and BooNANA??" and then he will actually pump his fist in the air and nod his head as he takes bites of his favorite snack.

When he is playing and he doesn't want me to make him stop for lunch or nap or whatever it is that is now required of him, he will look at me and say "Mama, go away.". And I can't lie, every time it breaks my heart a little. We have discussed that it isn't nice to tell Mama (or Papa or anybody else, because this isn't only a Mama command) to go away, so he has now altered it to "Mama, read book." or "Mama, go change laundry". Or, if all else fails, "FIVE MINUTES!! Mama, MAMA, FIVE MORE MINUTES!... TWO....TWO MINUTES! PLLLEEEAASSE! TWO MINUTES!!" And sometimes he gets two minutes. Because damn, this kid is good at negotiating.

We are working on sharing. Sometimes he is amazing about it, and other times... well, other times he is not so amazing.

We are working on being polite. Telling everyone hello and goodbye, giving kisses, answering questions. Giving hugs. Sometimes he is amazing about it, and other times.... well, other times he is not so amazing.

We are working on consequences and punishments. Sometimes I think I am never going to get through to him, that he has no concept of what is happening. Then I tell him to stop throwing his Angry Birds toy at the blinds and he will take his bird, point his finger at him and say "No Angry Bird! You need time out!" Then he sets him in his chair for a minute, then picks him up and hugs him and they run off to play again. Him and Angry Bird both staying clear of the window and any more trouble.

He is two. And sometimes I feel like I only talk about the easy stuff with Henry. About the sweet and the good and I make him sound like a super two year old. Like he is never hard, like he is never a challenge. He is sometimes hard. He is sometimes a challenge. There are nights where Nick and I fall into bed and ask ourselves "Why was today so HARD?" But most nights we lay in bed and think of how lucky we are. Because he is here and he is perfectly normal and, at the same time, completely extraordinary. He is two, and two is sometimes hard. But he is ours.

And This Time I Mean It!!

2012-02-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

Have you all see the episode of Futurama where Bender runs away and he leaves the note with the check boxes, and at the bottom there is the space to check "AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT"?? It looked sorta (exactly) like this:

I have wanted a list like this for my blog for a little while now. I Feel like I seem to mention the same few self improvement plans again and again (and again). "But THIS TIME!!" I want to shout. "THIS TIME I MEAN IT!" So I went ahead and used my graphic designing skills to make my own check list:

No need to compliment me on said graphic skills. It has already been covered last week. Although if you are interested in hiring me for some important design job, I gladly accept Paypal payments.

starts to type out some half ass excuse for worthless Photoshopping skills.. "I am busy... no time...could... do... better...if..." *trails off because realizes there is no good way to end this sentence

ANYWAY. You guys, I am really serious about losing weight. After putting it on my New Year's resolution list I sorta floundered around for the entire month of January. Commonly thinking about it, but never actually DOING anything to aid in my final goal of fifteen (I wouldn't complain if it were more like twenty) pounds of weight loss. As January drew to a close I got on the scale and realized I had only dropped a depressing three pounds. "BUT..." I said to nobody in particular. "I THOUGHT about it so much... seems like that should have at least burned a pound a week...."

So now I am committing. I know how to lose weight. Calorie counting is what works best for me. I didn't want to pay for Weight Watchers (which has been my go to diet in the past... and to it's credit it always works) so I sent out a cry for help to Twitter. They told me about My Fitness Pal. It tracks your calories, has a huge database of foods, and has a bar code scanner on their app. Oh, and it's totally free! It gives me graphs (I LOVE GRAPHS!) sets goals, tells me each day "If every day were like today, in five weeks you would weight ____!!" which I read as "KEEP IT UP!! YOU ARE DOING IT!!"

So here I go. I signed up and put in all my information, and the site told me in order to lose the weight I want, I need to eat 1200 calories a day. Which... okay, sorta feels like starving myself. Not sorta, it TOTALLY feels like starving myself. But still... STILL. I am serious. My friend Whitney told me that eating raw bell peppers helps in getting a flat stomach (I have no idea if this is true...) so bring it on! Guess who is eating a raw yellow pepper with lunch today?? Screw you crunches, I am going to bell pepper my way to a lovely flat stomach by summer time!

I am on board. I am gung-ho. I am going to lose this weight, and I am going to keep it off.

AND THIS TIME, I MEAN IT!

Sick Day

2012-01-31T11:35:00.000-05:00

Someone is not feeling so hot...

Nothing serious. A runny nose, fever, and a cough. If we assume he and I have the same thing, then it's safe to say he has a pretty terrible headache as well. We are both home, trying to take it easy today.

His requests have been pretty straight forward:

1.) He wants to wear his Zips.
2.) He wants to stay in Mama's bed.
3.) He wants to watch Lion King.
4.) He wants to eat Peanut Butter on a spoon.

Done, done, done and done.

Those four things with the addition of a little Tylenol for the fever and we are doing pretty good. Actually, as I am typing this is he sitting up in bed dancing and singing Hakuna Matata. All in all, not too bad of a day, sick or not.

Today I have a new post up over at Bloggers for Hope about the initial feelings of finding out you have emdometriosis. If you have a second, I would really appreciate if you would click over and read. Thanks so much!

Resolution Check Number One

2012-01-30T06:30:00.000-05:00

**Did you see at the end of the last post I mentioned that Missy's appointment went great and that her tumor is much smaller that it was six weeks ago? We are so thankful for this answered prayer. I know many of you were among those praying so I wanted to make sure you all knew the wonderful report.

**Also, thank you for all your sweet anniversary comments. They made me happy :)

So I don't know if you remember, but one of my New Year's Resolutions was to take Henry interesting places. Thanks to Boo and Chris, the first interesting place of 2012 has been visited! On Saturday we packed up the three babies and headed to our cities Children's Museum. You all, it was so great. And Henry and Cici had a blast. Nora... well, she took an awesome nap in the Moby, so it was a win, win, win for the three babies.

Henry was very excited to be going to the Children's Museum. I mean, he had no idea what it was, but this is the kid that was PUMPED when I asked if he wanted to go to the doctor last week. It has to be better than that, right?

They are big on horses around here.

Really big.

Baby Nora, relaxing to the max.

Mama feels certain that there was at least one if not several pieces missing to this child's puzzle. It is the ONLY OPTION... definitely not that I just couldn't do it. No sir.

The newest family of four enjoying some water works

It's like, artistic or something.

I would think this would be terrifying to kids, but turns out being in a giant mouth is sorta awesome. "TEEEETH!"

Something about this makes my hands sweat...

Four!

I guess Henry is now too tall to stand in a chair in front of me, although come to think of it, he does an excellent job of blocking double chins. Also, we need to work on the "CHEEEESE!!" thing. He just looks at you like you are a fool. "Seriously Aunt Boo...I am not falling for that cheese thing one more time."

I claim this planet in the name of Henryville...

"Cici, this is SO. AWESOME"

"Henry, Bubble tubes are good, but this could hypothetically make you spin until you throw up. COOLEST TOY EVER!"

"Sorry Cici... I can see nothing but the Bubble Room and all it's bubble glory."

Sometimes I feel like posts like this just stop abruptly when I run out of pictures. This is one of those times.

(Fin)

Does Calling it my Blogiversary Show my Age?

2012-01-27T12:03:00.000-05:00

** Post now UPDATED to include original Blog Design. It's was so BEAUTIFUL!**

So today is my five year Blogiversary. Which is a term I haven't actually heard in about three years... so that alone may prove that I have been pouring out every thought that comes into my head for way too long now.

So...

Five Years.

Over One Thousand Posts.

Over Five Thousand Comments.

It blows my mind. Truly. That I have continued to write, that you all have continued to read and comment. That five years later I still feel that pull to sit down here and tell our story.

More than that, that five years later it now feels like a part of who I am. I am a writer. And it shocks me. It shocks me that I have been asked to write other places, that people trust me to review books and products, or bigger still, to be their voice on something as important as endometriosis. That they ask my opinions, that I am quoted in articles. That people enjoy what I write.

Thank you for coming here several times a week to read. Thank you for your comments. They are the fuel that keeps me writing. Thank you for your support. This five years has brought on very difficult times for me and my family. But oh, they have brought amazing times too. So thank you for sharing them with me. For cheering me on, for holding me up, for crying along with me. This blog has become a part of me. And so have all of you. I know I sound sorta weepy and cheesy here, but really, thank you all. It means more than I can say.

I don't ask often, but I would love it if you took a second and left a comment on this post. Just because your comments make me happy. And because it seems like five years is sorta a big deal. I mean, that's an entire hand, right?

** I spent about thirty minutes looking for a screen shot of what this blog used to look like. It was something special. You couldn't look directly at it or it would burn our your retinas. If I ever find it, I will be sure to share!

**Missy had her appointment with the NIH this morning and the tumor is much smaller! We are so very thankful for answered prayers. I will post more details over on her blog later this afternoon or tomorrow once I get to talk to her and my parents.

**UPDATE!**

Thank GOD my cousin was able to track down the beauty that was my original blog design. Now don't be shocked or anything, but I DID THIS ALL BY MYSELF! I am so talented, right? That full open space on the right, the tiny header, the seizure inducing circles.... I totally missed my calling to become a graphic designer, right?

When the Blog Replaces a Baby Book

2012-01-26T12:11:00.001-05:00

So this is one of those posts that maybe nobody cares much about except for myself and Henry's grandparents. But seeing as how I don't actually have a baby book for Henry, or I DO have one, but it is completely empty except for the random pieces of memorabilia I have stuck inside (such as his footprints and his hospital bracelet). Besides that the adorable book is pointless. THIS is Henry's virtual baby book. And so sometimes posts like this are necessary. Don't worry. I will include pictures to help make it more interesting.

Henry says Helloooo there. Welcome to my boring stats post.

Henry had his two and a half year check up yesterday. Yes, I know this is a little late. In all honesty, I kept waiting for him to get sick in order to take him in and kill two copay birds with one stone. Turns out the kid stayed healthy so I finally caved to make the appointment. THEN it turns out that with the new Obama Care Plan our office is no longer charging for copays on well child checks because insurance companies are suppose to cover them. AMAZING!

Henry says: Mama, even I am bored with this post. Move along to the interesting stuff!

So on to the stats! That we got completely for free!

Height: 36 1/2 inches 50-75th percentile

Weight: 26 pounds 5-10 percentile

Head: 20 inches 75-90 percentile

Henry says: That's right ladies. If you like tall and skinny with a slightly big head to hold all these brains, I am totally your man.

For the record, I don't think the height measurement is accurate. He was moving around like crazy I think he has at least another inch he can claim. I will get a tape measure at some point and make him stand against the wall in the bathroom to begin the family tradition of writing on walls to show a childs growth.

Henry says: Well that seems like a double standard. If I try to write on walls, I always get into a ton of trouble!

So that's about it. Tall, skinny, extremely healthy. You can't beat that!

A special thanks to Cousin Matt for these pictures of Henry. He was able to take some shots that actually capture what he REALLY looks like in some random, around the house snap shots. Something I have been trying to do now for two and a half years. I would say it was his fancy camera, but really I think it was the guy behind it who has an eye for capturing things on film. I love them, even though the boy pretty much refused to smile in all of them.

Or... almost all of them. My sweet boy. Two and a half already. How is it possible?

Stepping Back

2012-01-24T09:59:00.003-05:00

Thank you for all of your support yesterday. I am really doing okay. I find myself saying that a lot. But I am fine. Really, I am.

Yesterday after posting, I was emotional and wanted to get myself under control. I called Missy, who was spending the day with Henry. She answers the phone and was out of breath. She says sorry, they are just in the middle of a Michael Jackson dance party. At that point I hear Henry says "Dance Mimi! Dance!"

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

After working my ten hour day I headed across campus to my class. It was our first time meeting and the professor is amazing. Each week we are to do some reading on a women's health topic, then email her a "Casual, in our own voice, opinion on what we found interesting about the reading". The rest of the class seemed to think it sounded difficult. I thought it sounded a lot like a blog post. Toward the end of the class she said that this class used to be called "Maternal Health" but she felt that did women in general a disservice. That many women do not have children, both because they choose not to and because they are not able to. This class would cover all of that. Both Infertility and Endometriosis were mentioned as topics we would cover. I smiled and thought that I am going to love this course.

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

I went home and had a late dinner with Nick and Henry. We played matchbox cars and then read stories before bed. He picked out 'I Love You Forever'.

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

After tucking him in I went into the kitchen and started cooking a casserole to bring to my friend at work. She lost her mom last week and today is her first day back. I thought of my mom. Of my family. And I thought how much worse things could be. How lucky I am.

And I took a small step back from the emotional ledge.

I climbed into bed around midnight. Exhausted. But feeling much better than I did when I woke up. Someties it all comes crashing down, and you are pushed to your emotional limits. That was me yesterday. Not for any one reason, but for lots of little ones that just added up. But still, you can't live your life on the ledge. There are too many good things going on around me that I don't want to miss.

Thank you all for listening. Thank you for helping me take a step back. Because your words of support did just that. They helped me take one more step back from the ledge.

The Ledge

2012-01-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am on an emotional ledge. I don't exactly know how I got here, but here I sit.

Missy goes back up to the NIH this week for a new MRI and a reevaluation of the tumor growth. And I am terrified.

Nick's job is running out of funding in the next few weeks. We don't have an exact end date, but it is coming soon. He is trying to line up something else here at the University, but so far the best we have is that hopefully someone can get him on in June. Hopefully. We don't want to move, but we cannot afford to live on my salary alone. That is actually almost a joke. We can't even come CLOSE to living on my salary. Having the primary bread winner (who carries Henry on his insurance) out of work is terrifying. And we are staring that reality down the barrel.

My endo is moving back to the land of Out Of Control. My periods are lasting around 14 days and are extremely painful. I know it's time to go in and talk to the doctor. To talk about another surgery, but that will cost us money we don't really have. To talk about going back on birth control, but in all honesty birth control makes me feel worse that I have these last few months off of it. Rather than a two week painful period and then two weeks basically symptom free, on birth control I am just crampy and uncomfortable all the time with constant spotting and then the added bonus of extremely painful periods to boot. And of course, I don't want to go on birth control. Because that will officially be THE END. And although I should be ready for that, I am just not.

If the Last Chance FET had worked I would be due next month. And that breaks my heart.

So that is where I am at. On an emotional ledge trying really hard not to let my lower lip quiver. I sat down to write something funny and up beat, and for the life of me I couldn't thing of a thing to say. Maybe this is why. Because right now I am not in a funny and upbeat place. I am in a hard place. And they happen, and I will get through it. But today, I am on the ledge, and it's a hard place to hang out.

Freaky Friday

2012-01-20T07:44:00.002-05:00

You know that movie Freaky Friday *? The one where the mom and daughter switch places?

Yeah, something sorta like that is what I found at bedtime the other night in Henry's room.

Henry says: "Mama, I have really thought this through. I will tuck him in, read him Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, rub his back and THEN, Henry will sleep in MAMA'S BED! It's fool proof!"

*I know, right? What a freak for linking to the Lindsay Lohan version. But the thing is, when I looked at the page for the 1976 version I had NO MEMORY of those characters. Like I feel like I saw that movie...but just... a total blank when I look at the poster. I guess I am of the Lindsay Lohan Freaky Friday generation. Crazy. Also, did you know JODIE FOSTER is the kid in the original movie? A little Disney movie trivia for you, right there!