BIPHER

Facebook Up To Your Stupidity

2009-10-21T20:53:00.001+01:00

When you 'friend' your boss on Facebook, remember that you 'friended' your boss on Facebook ...

Better Than Izzard

2009-09-18T23:12:00.001+01:00

Eddie Izzard's marathon of Marathons is truly impressive but not as impressive as this guy ...

Baaaa

2009-08-26T02:29:00.001+01:00

Benefit Cheats

2009-07-21T13:35:00.001+01:00

Make Poverty History ... For MPs

2009-05-22T21:02:00.001+01:00

Gordon Is ...

2009-05-07T03:32:00.001+01:00

Well, it's just too tempting to say "... a moron" and there's plenty of evidence to suggest just that. However, the internet always provides us with some refreshing options.

Google recently introduced “predictive search” based upon that which most other people have previously searched. I'm sure you will have noticed that when you start entering a search in to Google, a few suggestions pop up as you type. Well, if you type "gordon brown is", this is what you get ... no camera tricks, no chicanery, no sleight of hand, try it for yoursleves.

Dear Editor

2009-05-06T15:46:00.001+01:00

A small collection of snippets from letters apparently sent in to various newspapers ...

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar. J Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters? P Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local. D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon? V Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service. A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbish, I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty grand. J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? N Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century. M Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. T Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women. C Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and first for France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us. G Nisbet, London.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London, maybe because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. W Hoffman, Munich.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. M Duckworth, Poole.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. J Leonard, Hull.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'. D King, Balham.

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one? K Libretto, Welling.

Witness Protection

2009-05-04T16:18:00.001+01:00

Can you spot the odd one out?

How Our Taxes Are Spent

2009-05-01T13:22:00.001+01:00

This English Heritage plaque reads ...

Rt Hon Jacqui Smith
Home Secretary
Lived here 2008 - Present
While claiming £116,000 of taxpayers money on her 'second' home in Redditch
Best known for claiming expenses for her barbecue and husband's porn films

Put Up Or Shut Up

2009-04-30T18:11:00.001+01:00

Economic Modelling

2009-04-28T08:05:00.001+01:00

Here are 20 economic models explained with the use of cows. Using a farmer with two cows is a popular way to explain complex economic systems. It seems quite fitting to review these in light of the current worldwide economic crisis:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CORPORATIONISM
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ICELANDIC CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island's company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Memo From The Management

2009-04-28T07:23:00.001+01:00

In light of the current financial crisis and general downturn, we are unfortunately forced to make Andre redundant ...

Insurance Claim

2009-02-18T17:12:00.012Z

I don't know why, but I somehow get the impression that the guy filling in this form does not hold the claimant in very high regard. Click on the picture for a closer look at his most precise description of both the accident and the claimant.

Would You Accept This Challenge?

2009-02-13T23:13:00.008Z

Do You Do Children's Parties?

2009-01-25T15:26:00.001Z

More from the We Are Most Amused charity show in celebration of Prince Charles' 60th birthday. This time it's Rowan Atkinson doing what he does best ... vicars:

Mr William Robbin

2009-01-25T15:03:00.001Z

A typical Robin Williams performance at the We Are Most Amused charity show in celebration of Prince Charles' 60th birthday:

How You Can Tell

2009-01-16T01:36:00.001Z

Watch American Dad, just watch it ...

Hayley: And this girl actually wants to spend time with you?
Steve: For your information, she said she thinks I'm cute.
Stan: So she lies, great! That's how you know she doesn't have a penis.

Job Hunting

2008-11-11T20:38:00.003Z

I imagine they were inundated with applicants, don't you?

If The Matrix Ran On Windows

2008-11-10T22:13:00.001Z

The Front Fell Off

2008-11-04T04:15:00.001Z

I have no idea whether this is real, I suspect it's a spoof but it's funny nonetheless. An Aussie politician is being interviewed about an oil tanker sinking:

Scammers

2008-10-27T22:10:00.012Z

I wouldn't normally mix tec-talk in here but this is a particularly nasty scam. They pretend to be an antivirus company and are merely scamming your credit card info. MacGuard and WiniGuard are totally bogus. Do not trust them.

Click here for information that you can trust.

Man Or Woman

2008-10-25T02:08:00.001+01:00

You kind of have to be in to South Park for this one but ...

Mr Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies then you're a man.
Mr Thompson: Woah, err, wait, hang on a second, my wife had ovarian cancer so she can't have babies.
Mr Garrison: Well then get an aids test Thompson because your wife's a dude, you faggot!.

Space Junky

2008-10-25T00:03:00.003+01:00

There are more than ten thousand man-made objects in orbit around our planet. Of these, only seven percent are operational satellites. The remainder consists of dead satellites, rocket fragments and debris. As if not content with landfills, the littering of our oceans, global warming and all the other forms of terrestrial pollution of which we are guilty, just look what we are doing to outer space. If there is intelligent life out there somewhere, do you think they would come anywhere near this dustbin? This has to be one of the saddest pictures I've seen ...

Six String Assassin

2008-10-10T23:42:00.012+01:00

Given the task of compiling a list of the world's greatest guitarists, you may not consider the artist formerly known as Prince. Indeed, Rolling Stone magazine did not, and they made it clear when they released their list of the top 100 guitar players of all time just weeks before both Prince, and the magazine's founder Jann Wenner, were inducted into America's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. In their opinion, Prince wasn't even in the top 100.

On the night of that induction he stole the show during an all-star performance of While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Apparently, most people didn't know Prince was even on stage until he consumed it with this quite brilliant solo (which starts at 3:29 if you're really that impatient). Was his performance anything to do with him being snubbed from Rolling Stone's list? Who knows, but this is Prince and he doesn't show up without reason. On this night, he was on a mission and it shows.

Whether you are a guitar fan or not, you have to appreciate the sheer skill and tonal dexterity on display:

Death And Taxes

2008-10-09T01:16:00.001+01:00

This is apparently genuine correspondence sent by the Inland Revenue in response to a letter we probably wish we had all written:

Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a begging letter. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a tax demand. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers might indicate that your decision to file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a sodding charity. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services, a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to stump up for the whole damned party yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on junkets for Bunterish lickspittles and dancing whores whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, that box-ticking facade of a university system.

There are a couple of technical points arising from your direct queries. Firstly, the reason we don't simply write Muggins on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system. Secondly, you can rest assured that sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations