Bipolar Ramblings: This is my world

Good gone astray ( as usual) I just found this in my drafts so I am not sure when I wrote it)

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:47:00 +0000

You think I would want to write when I am in a good mood as well and occasionally the news is so good I will write about it but I guess in the cases I just don't have anyone close that can understand what I am going threw and just let me ramble. Thus the name of this blog.

Its been over 5 years now that I have been playing house with a friend of mine, defined as friend with benefits. That is a bit of a time so I am told. Well this friend has found another partner only its dating no just...well benefits. She is in another county and I think shes an awesome person. It was how it was handled. Among all the other bits and pieces of me that have fallen or are falling apart I don't do change well if its done to fast. So my world got turned upside down, all of a sudden I am sleeping alone and we are sleeping different times and he sits on the computer all day talking to her and giggling. Its annoying to say the least. I happen to like company myself once in a while.

Its not the new relationship that bothers me. hell if someone can be happy more power to the. this is a pretty shitty world we live in. Its the onset of the panic and anxiety that hes going to leave. Nothing to do with love or sex but everything to do with his being my caretaker. I have no backup. I don't know anyone well enough anymore to let them care for me. This is also the first time I have lived with males this long and not been abused or put down..you know the drill...and its been the best point of my life so far. So I guess its not bad but its not good ether as it puts me on an edge. If i have no one to care for me I end up in an institution. And that scares the shit out of me.

Sometimes I just want to throw all my meds down the toilet and go back to being oblivious of everything going on around me. But as I found out growing up ignorance is not bliss. Though you would think it could be. At some point the light shines in and the ignorance is burned away and all your left with is 3rd degree burns on 90% of your body praying for death but at the same time fighting to keep your life. I have quit smoking...3 years now. I don't drink but a small glass every couple of months if that. i have had to give up milk for Soy. I have had to give up sugar, salt, I am up to about 10 meds now. I feel so much like my grandmother Id like to jump off a bridge at times. Just this month I get to see, the sleep specialist for apnea, Oral surgeon to take out the rest of my teeth (stay away from mtn dew) an ophthalmologist (eye doctor) two reasons here 1) my sight is starting to go and 2) with the new diagnosis of diabetes type 2 requires a check for cataracts,I also have to go have a bone density test as well as go to the neurologist(for the damage when i got hit by the minivan) and I have to see a new counselor and next month i get a complete psych eval. Gee I wonder why I am stressed out and cant handle massive quick change at the moment. And YES I am whining. I know I will live threw all of it and maybe in the end I might have even got a couple issues fixed but right now it feels like i got the world on my shoulders and my rock has gone off to make goo goo eyes at some one from the Netherlands (she is very pretty though so he does have some taste lol)

I think I got guilt gifts though lol. He picked up all the gym stuff that i need/want to start doing my physical therapy and try losing weight, I got a great 3 tier bookshelf which all my books fit in which is really awesome. and we got 2 of those 3x2 metal milk crate deals (i guess the plastic ones from the hoods and broth bros arnt in fashion anymore lol) I try to understand ppl around me their situations and what it must be like to have to deal with mental case like me...I don't get most of it especially than hanging around part. He took care of me for 2 years before I could even get him paid, he took off with me to another state without hesitating. That is a lot for a "friend" to do I would think. But hey who am I to try to figure out what makes ppl tick when I just finding out what makes me tick.

Well this is a long one so I guess I should pretty much shut up now. Some times it just feels good to talk and no offense do you guys out there but some things are just meant to be talked about with the same gender. I am sure you guys have a few topics you don't talk about in mixed company as well. But as the only female friends I have are all online or in Vermont and across the country I don't get a chance to just have girl chat so sometimes I do the chatting here. "shrugs" it works and working things are good. well its 4:45am and i doubt i will sleep much today but if your reading this have a good Sunday. bye bye

Opps there goes another one again.

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:25:00 +0000

Well I did something I told myself I would never do..I removed a post. I realized on reread that it brought to much information about someone else to the surface. This is about how I cope..on days that I can.. and the fallout on the days that I can't. Its not meant to put anyone else out and in the public eye.

I will be rewriting and then posting the piece in a more appropriate manner. I prefer to post the first time I write because its done at exactly the time I am feeling it. Yes its raw but its real. I also have a responsibility to my friends and family to not parade their lives and feelings across the internet.

Anywho that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment. I am just coming up for air after a winter long depression that just about crushed me this time. I will write all that lovely stuff up later as I don't feel like depressing myself by getting into right now. But on the bright side of things I have hooked up with Michigan rehab and should be able to start going to school for a career. Who knows maybe I can work from home and actually get off disability.. That would be totally awesome thing to happen. We shall see if my poor little brain can handle it all.

Ok that't enough rambling for someone who doesn't have anything to say..:D

Something else yet again

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:12:00 +0000

Went to the Docs yesterday and can you believe it I have something else I have to live with...Type 2 Diabetes. That makes a new med and puts me at about 10 meds plus a vitamin supplement.

And it looks like i am starting menopause. The rest of this year is just going to be soo much fun.

I will be adding links and pdf's with information about diabetes and its effects on women in general and the effects it has on minority females like Native Americans, and other such groups. This has me pretty scared. A lot more scared then any of the other things the doctors have found. My great uncle lost both his legs to diabetes as did my next door neighbor when i was in my early teens. I watched me grandmother and her trails with it my entire life. In fact I use to give her the insulin shots. I am only on pills at the moment no shots at this time and if i do things right i am hoping not to ever have to need them.

There is going to be alot of medical stuff going on the next few weeks. Cant wait to see how many good things i get to add here. i would really like some positive results from all this poking, prodding and cutting and such. its all worth it if i get even a little mobility back and a little less pain. I am not greedy i just want to be able to do things like take walks. maybe even go dancing again someday.

Ah well enough brooding over things i cant change..will just have to grab at the brass ring and do my best. its nice to not have an episode when i write though i am sure its more interesting lol.

Triggers

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 10:10:00 +0000

A few years ago the psychologist suggested that I stop watching shows that I knew could cover topics that could trigger my episodes be it my PTSD or Bipolar.

Her first suggestion was to stop watching Law and Order SUV. I tried that for awhile but I missed the show. Though the topics were very capable of causing me to trigger, they also caught the bad guys. I think that was actually more theraputic to me then anything else.

The next suggestion was the TV news channels and local news as well. That was ok for a while but was leaving me in the dark about important topics. So I started getting just the headlines on google home page so i could decided what i wanted to read about and that has worked out great.

What has caused me many trips back to my youth is music. It was one of the few ways I could express myself. I could find songs that were saying exactly how I felt at any given time. So second to writing, music also helped me to mellow out. But now when I turn on VH1 classic and listen to all the music from the 80s I am filled with memories most only remembered because of the music.

With almost every song I can recall a memory so vivid that I can tell you where I was sitting, the channel, the show, if I had a friend over. the condition and even the smell of the house. Most of these are happy and fun memories but they are also memories filled with how I was then, who I was then, and I can slowly see myself loosing the battle with the bipolar and changing into the person i spent over half my life hating.

I really don't know if this is a good thing or not. I dont have a therapist at the moment but with the new insurance I should have one soon. I am so different from the child I was and totally reverse of the person I became when I lost what little control I had left of my psychie.

Just had to get this down while it was on my mind as I believe this is a very important aspect of my life. And being a proffesional procrastinator I will most likely print this whole blog out for the doctor to read when I get one. As I sure as heck don't want to have to repeat anything I dont have to :)

Mother's Day 2009 a 12 year review

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:13:00 +0000

Well about 12 years and 12 and half hour ago, the woman who raised me died. I am not to found of mothers day for obvious reasons.

You never stop grieving you just do it one day a year after some time has passed. It hurts as bad today as it did then. This is my one day. I had to many ppl to take care of and be there for including the man who raised me. Who was 85 that year.

She was only 70 years old that year. She was my biological grandmother and my adoptive mother. i always called her mom unless i was mad then i would call her Doris just to tick her off (kids are such a grateful lot). Though to some 70 maybe old it is still young to drop dead.

She was my whole world I was 27 the day she died and I had never left home never held an outside job for longer then three months and I truly had no clue what to do after she was gone. I had never been taught how to live on my own. After she passed no one ever came back to visit. 45 mins after the funeral home took her away everyone was gone and if we have seen 1% of them in the last 12 years i would be surprised.

I remember overhearing her tell her friends no matter what happens if i go you take care of Stanley and Amy. yeah the took care all right one of these so call friends of her actually raided our photo album and took over half the pictures we had of her. and one bright bulb tried to take a picture of her dead. that almost caused me to reposition his camera in such a way he would have needed a colonoscopy to find where it finally had ended up.

So like all the times before I made sure that the Doris's ashes got taken care of, that stanley was watched over and kept safe etc. Two years after this Stanley died. jan 3 2000. He was 87, his skin almost transparent, but he had made peace with his life and He and I had found peace with each other. the day Stanley died i was proud to call him my Dad.

Doris was such an integral part of my life that we were like two in one. That was how she raised me. totally dependent on her for everything and when she died i died with her. I curled up into a ball and only did the house cleaning and cooking nothing more but the basics. I lost it for a long time even after I came out of my daze. The bed she died on was still in the house and late at night i would sometimes get hungry once in awhile and while i was making supper i would talk to her like she was still there on that bed like we use to.

i get along great with and love my birth mother dearly but its different.

looking back at my life the things i went threw and dealt with I am honestly surprised that I even came out of all that with any kind of intelligence left at all. Anyway just needed to get that out. When mothers day lands on the 10th i get a bit more twisted then i normal do about mothers day.

Bipolar: Keep Informed

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 06:19:00 +0000

This is one of the best sites I have come across for both the patient and the caregiver. Without a solid, knowledgeable caretaker some of us would never get out of bed again. Things for me are mostly table though yesterday my son that I put up for adoption turned 18 and its making me feel real odd but I am more inclined to think its maternal more then it is bipolar issues. Other then that I havent been to horrible but i have been a tad cranky, and unfriendly to my caretaker. Its got to stop. it happens because i know i can rant and rave at him and hes not going to hate me. but with reading the caretaker articles on this link i realized i could be doing a good job at driving him away. So goals for the next couple of months are
1) dont treat caretaker like a whipping boy
2) lose some of this god awful weight.

anyway thats todays little info and i hope you find this link as helpful and educational as i did

Bipolar Disorder � EverydayHealth.com

Memories

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:43:00 +0000

Just a side note Scribe Fire is the best firefox plugin. No having to bring up any web pages just bring it up and type. anyways...

I finally figured out why ppl say that school are the best years of your life. Its not the school per say but the fact that you are more free then you will ever be after you get out. its a time of no work, free food and roofs, no real bills,ect. Now i know it wasnt that way for everyone but it tends to apply to most. Even though I had to take care of Doris and Stanley I still had my moments of peace and even some time to myself.

School was my escape. The only time I was around others my age. Even then Doris and Stanley managed to mess that up some times. Anyway I digress.

Dispite being picked on most of the time it really was the best time. For most ppl it lasted threw college from what i have heard. it ended for me when i turned 16. i was told i knew enough to get by and it was time to do my duty and take care of doris and stanley full time. Sometimes I get so mad at them and its not like its going to help with both of them dead now.it was 9 years for stanley in january and it will be 12 years for doris in May. It still feels like yesterday. I have tried to go to college a couple of times since then and something has always come up. Always because I had to take of someone else. Being disabled is no picnic but its nice not to have to wait on anyone anymore.

Emotionally I have come along way and then some. I can almost control the episodes now. Though the depression is harder then the manic. Manic is addictive. You multi task like a robot you dont sleep you just get so much done and you feel really good. Its kinda like drugs I guess from what I have heard. It does feel good not to be that way all the time now.

No real updates on the physical side of things. Though I do get mad at the driver who hit me. its called a crosswalk for a reason, its even suppose to be a law that you stop at them. Oh well life goes on. The doctors are talking about something called a decompression surgery to straighten my spine. then fixing the herniated disc and all that should move everything at the way and stop pressing on my nerve root. I dont know that i really want them operating on my back but if i dont take my meds i cant even get out of bed so whats the worse thing that can happen..i am already pretty much stuck in bed lol. Well will shut up before this gets anylonger then it already is.

Oh one more thing my son turns 18 on the 15th. maybe it wouldnt feel so weird if i hadnt put him up for adoption but it was the very best thing for him. Happy Birthday Trevor.

Mental Health News

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:51:00 +0000

Exercise Keeps Your Mind Sharp

A new study from the National Institutes of Health found that the most sedentary individuals (i.e. couch potatoes) are 2.5 times more likely to develop dementia than regular exercisers. Dementia is a condition of declining mental abilities (especially memory) that affects your personality, skills (like driving a car), and verbal abilities.

Playing Games

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 12:27:00 +0000

I enjoy playing online games, whether there are full 3d games or browser games. But if there is a chat feature there is always a few narcissistic, blowhards ready to jump on everything you say. I am honesty with the chat community on these games about my bipolar and I do my best to explain how some of the core symptoms in my case include excessive talking, my own narcissistic tendencies and the biggest problem that I have is over reacting and taking things personally.

I dont think that some of these ppl understand that like any other mental illness only so much can be controlled even with meds and therapy. I am not trying whine or get pity for my condition. I have already been threw that stage and i can have my own very good pity party without any help from another living soul.

What does happen is that like any group be it family or community you become attached to the ppl whether its because you like them or you hate them an attachment and expected behaviors form. I got a line of you only get respect if you earn it. fine and dandy dont respect "me" but basic human respect is expected. I have sessions where some of these ppl continually harass me, swear at me and call me names. Now if this was done offline it would be considered abusing the mentally ill and that comes with consequences. But online there are no consequences. if its a game maybe someone gets muted for a a few mins or a few days. their friends still post the abusive statements from their now muted friends so i am still being inadated with this harassment.

Now I have a choice I could simple just stop playing the game. Which is what would be most ppls first advice. BUT why should I have to be the one to lose out on the friends I have made and the fun and enjoyment of the game because of someone elses biggoted outlook and inability to understand that mental illness isnt something you can turn off and on at will. Isnt my illness punishment enough? why do i have to lose out by giving up my enjoyment so that other ppl cant harass me?

Where are my rights to enjoy the freedom of internet and chat communities and its not like this is a new game i have been playing since january 08. Now if this was going to be such a problem for some of these ppl why didnt they go to the owner of the game and let him know that they were having issues with me and have him or some unintrested 3rd party come to me and say look. the ppl here are having problems with you. fix this this and that or you will need to leave the game so as not to ruin the game for others. That would have been resonable. I would have understand but I have been playing for almost a year and all i am getting lately is being sworn at ether in messages where they cant get caught at it or in open chat where they can. why wait till i have put time and money into this game to start having issues. I am not even the same as i was when i started playing I am acutally better then i was as i have more control and better meds.

if someone can tell me that there is some protection I can recieve from this harassement which doesnt require me to forfit the game i would be most appreciative. but I dont expect anyone to have anything to say about this. I guess when we go online we give up the right to be treated with respect and not harassed. We have to give up things we like to do and things that make us feel good because there is always some idiot out there just waiting to jump on you so they can feel better about themseleves.

And we are the ones that get called disabled and mentally ill. I am being to wonder who is really the ill ppl in this world

The Perception of Age

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 04:59:00 +0000

When do you start feeling old? Is it when you hear your high school dance music playing over the supermarket speakers or in an elevator? Is it the first time your called Mame or Sir by the pimple faced kid at the register? Is it the first time you notice that your Grey is noticeable? Is it when you realize your still young but you no longer have the glow and energy of youth? Is it when your joints are more accurate then the local weatherman? Is it when you look at your 40th birthday and realize that you have another 40 or more years to try and live a productive life?

I look back at my journals and the entries in my blog and I wonder to myself. In a little over a year I will be 40. what happened to the last 40? How did I last this long wading threw what was sewer pit? I have to believe that this signifies that my life has a reason. I have no clue what it is but I am satisfied that in some way I have touched someones life or I will in the future that will lead to something good for that person. I guess you could say I have faith in fate.

I have lived in cars. I have slept in empty house and garages that were up for sale. I have found my food in some very unsavory places. I was a drunk. Until 05 I had always lived in an abusive home or was in an abusive relationship. That was the same year I was hit by a minivan and my life really changed. So what is the next half of my life going to hold? I can't have children anymore. I doubt very much I am going to win the lottery as I don't play it. I am not going to win a casino jackpot. I have lived near 3 of them for over 2 years and I have never even seen the buildings.

I would like to go back to school and get my teaching degree and work with adults who have cognitive disorders, but I don't even know if with my own cognitive issues if i can get threw school or hold a job. Am I too old to start school and to start teaching? Though I enjoy where I live and I can't afford to buy a home I would like to be able to someday. I don't want to grow old alone then again no one really does. While I am not afraid of actually getting old it does leave me with a lot of questions who's answers wont be found till I have lived them.

Fall to Winter

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 05:02:00 +0000

Well things have been up and down as usual. I have a new doctor and he seems like he might actually want to help me. though do to mess ups with transferring medical I ended up over a month without my meds. First time in 5 years that i haven't had my meds. Its not something I want to repeat but I was alot better now then i was before i ever took the meds and before i learned what little control i have now.

I am playing games again and back to clicking my ads for money. this time of year is pretty hard for me as much as i love it. Halloween is my favorite holiday. even more so now that I am an adult and it is a religious holiday for me. but October and November are full of birthdays of family both alive and dead. Right now it feels pretty much the same after not seeing anyone for 2 years plus now. we are suppose to go this spring but i have been talking about getting the van fixed for over a year but things are complicated money wise.

I am hoping that with Scribe added on to FireFox I will be more likely to keep a more accurate record of things and not go months between righting. We shall see what happens. but this is a short one as i am not doing bad at all and feeling quite good considering this last month.

Bubble Bubble Boil and Trouble

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:14:00 +0000

Have you ever had your head feel so full that it gave you the feeling of watching a bubbling pot on the stove??? Have you ever felt like you need to drill a hole in your head to release the pressure? Have you ever wanted to bang your head against the wall to make that feeling stop?

Have I given a good enough description? Can you imagine what all that feels like? Even just a tiny bit. That is a symptom of bipolar as well as many other mental illnesses. Its official title is Racing thoughts. Sometimes if its not to bad it just causes you to jump from one topic to another while having a conversation. Or stray thoughts out of nowhere just jump into your head and your not quite sure which path it followed to get to you. But the bad times those are the ones I described first.

If you can't get a grip, ether on your own or help from friends, those racing thoughts can cause some really bad things to happen. Racing thoughts leads to carelessness also known as inability to make correct decisions. This is what leads to doing things without thought or care. Your trying to get rid of the buzzing and bubbling inside your head and its so overwhelming most of the time its all you can think about.

Racing thoughts can lead to suicide. You don't want to die you just want to make it stop or just so damn tired all you want to do is rest. You really don't comprehend that what your doing is not only wrong but is a permanent solution to breathing. There is just no connection between the act and thoughts of suicide and the end of your life. Your out of sync with the rest of the world and everything is fuzzy and nothing has any consequences.

Racing thoughts can lead to unpredictable and though not quiet as dangerous as suicide can in its own way kill you from the inside out. Things like promiscuous sex with whoever happens to catch your attention. Walking out of a store with unpaid merchandise just for the rush of seeing if you get caught. Or spending sprees that lead to not enough for food and medicine when the time comes. Yet your home is full of stuff that you thought you couldn't live without and you have barely even used it.

Racing thoughts can make you aggressive, very very aggressive. It can in some very extreme cases bring you to a state of rage that is actually murderous and I am talking real violence against another person not just ohh you stole my pencil i am angry with you. But a driving need to bring to another person all the pent up anger and pain that you go threw 24/7. A need to make someone else feel what you feel so that you don't feel alone.

It may not make sense to those of you who don't have a mental illness or an illness that doesn't include this particular symptom. But this is something that a number of the population of the world go threw almost everyday. Fighting and struggling to keep themselves within the "normal" range of thoughts. Every once in awhile think of this and say a prayer to whatever "Power that Be" that is in your life. And thank them every time that you have a healthy mind and say a small one for the rest of us that we can someday find what it is that will bring us a peace of mind. And if you have a friend or family member that suffers from a mental illness remember its the bond of friendship and family that has done the greatest good for those of us in this position.

The Secret Years

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:05:00 +0000

It all started in 1979 as far as I can remember. My whole life turned into a soap opera ride and I was stuck on it for the duration. Summer 1979 my grandmother allowed a friends daughter to live with us. She was 16. I was 9. We shared a room. She was my first sexual encounter. I didn't know it was sexual, I didn't even know what sex was. I didn't know it was wrong and she didn't cause me physical pain so I never said anything. Why would I? I hadn't been taught anything about being touched.

This was also the summer I learned why you don't play with matches when I accidently caught the upstairs on fire. We lost alot but most of it was from smoke and water then from the fire itself. I felt so guilty especially when the fireman said it was started by faulty wiring and I knew it hadn't but i was afraid to say anything. I told my mom a couple of years later and she said she knew already. thats moms for you.

Also that fall my uncle was arrested and put in jail for murder. There was always a question as to wether he had done it or my other uncle had done it. I was 9 I didn't understand much of it. but I can remeber him coming to the house with a garbage bag of bloody clothes and hiding them in the woods. And I remember the fight that I saw out my mothers bedroom window when my uncle cold cocked her and knocked her out and she hit the ground. I remember screaming. I remember crying. I was so upset that I couldn't breath and I had chest pains so bad I almost passed out. I think that is when the first signs of my bipolar began to surface. It was just all too much for someone that age to begin to understand. He spent 10 years in jail. During that time I was dragged every weekend to see him. When I reached 13 I asked if I could stop going because I didn't like how the other inmates looked at me. I was young but I wasn't totally ignorant by the time I hit 13. Men had been trying to pick me up from the age of 10 though the funny thing is I had no real idea what they wanted except it had to do with my breasts.

Winter 1979 Dec 10th to be exact puberty hit and hard. by Jan 15th of 1980 my grandmother was so worried they took me to an OBGYN. He was an old man. His hair pure white and he wore glasses and to a 10 year old He was awful tall and awful big. He made my parents leave the room. He then proceeded to do a gynecological exam with a speculum that was meant for an adult. It was cold. His hands were cold. the table was cold. I was more terrified then I had ever been in my entire life. The pain was excruciating as he inserted the speculum. I remember laying on that table and crying so hard and yelling for my parents and promising with all my heart that I would be good from now on and that I was sorry for what ever it was that I did to be taken here. So on top of everything else I had lost my virginity to an old man with a cold piece of metal. I had no clue that I had lost my virginity as I didn't even know what it was. It would 6 years or so before I would figure that out. And that was 1979 and one month of 1980

Between 10 and 13(1980-1983) I muddled my way threw school. Trying very hard to hide the fact that I had my period. But puberty was hard to hide when you go from a flat chest to a 36C in just a few months. Well I can't say I was totally flat. I was called Dancing Dolly when I in second grade so by the time I got to 4th and I was a C it really wasn't a surprise. I was 5'3 then as well so I didn't really look much like 10 -13 year old. After the Drs appointment I finally got "the talk" but it was mostly old wives tales. Things like tampoons were for married women or bad women as mom put it. Bad women being defined as those who had sex out of wedlock. She was trying to make sure I didn't start running around. There were a lot of other things but I am not going to bore you anymore then I already am.

At 13 the brother to the girl that had molested me when I was 9 was 17 and mom let him live at the house. He held me down on the living couch with my father in his chair(he couldnt see the couch from there) and my mother in the kitchen with some friends (again she couldnt see ether) and he proceded to have sex with me. Only problem...I didn't know it was sex. I still hadn't learned what intercourse was by that time. Despite the molestation and abuse I lived a fairly sheltered life. I thought what I was living was normal. But the main reason I didn't think it was sex was because it didnt really hurt and i didn't bleed. The two signs of lost virginity. of course I had no clue it had already been lost. A while later I told my mom and all she did was make him call me and apologize. and told me not to tell anyone because it would make me look bad. and what did I expect if I went around in a bathing suit when I looked the way I did ( again i hadn't a damn clue what she was talking about)

Things calmed down and from then till I was 15(1985) things were "normal". I would scavenge for food. Hide food in my purse and bring it home from school so i would have something for supper. Sometimes I didn't eat lunch at all and brought it all home. I had this big black purse i carried my books in around school. Kids picked on me alot but it would hold the food and thats all that mattered. I also hid my bottle of wine in that bag. At 13 I had started to drink Wild Irish Rose. For those that don't know that is one of the worst rot gut wines and is mainly drank by winos and drunks, and I was a drunk. I kept a bottle in my bag, a bottle in my room and a bottle under the couch and one more "emergancy" bottle hidden in the tank of the toilet at home. No one really noticed it seemed because when I drank I was calm and ppl were just grateful to have me calm and never really tried to figure out why. I was an active drunk till I was 24. then when i lost my cousin who was also one of my best friends to a drunk driver i stopped being a drunk a became a recovering alcoholic. Besides going hungry and scavenging food where I could find it there was alot of negelct during that time as well. I was hit alot but then I wasn't a good girl so i deserved it. God what we will believe when we are kids. I had hit junior high which was in the highschool by 1982 i was 12 almost 13 then. And that started a whole new bubble of problems.

Any way this post is way to long and I will pick up with age 15 (1985) when the mood to write strikes me again.

The popular vote

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:14:00 +0000

bah I was half way threw this post and the stupid computer rebooted of its own free will. I really have retyping. Anyway I wrote this poem on the 4th and thought it would be kewl to do a whole squidoo lens around the poem. but the poem had to do with those left at home when the Armed Forces go to war. I also had stats listed of casualties from the war of Independence to whats happened so far up to today. Well when I hit publish it got a little grey - mark basically meaning it wasnt going to be showcased like the other lens because it wasn't popular at this moment. Though i tried many ways to redo the page to get it to come up green it just wouldnt happen so I deleted the whole lens and put the poem with the rest of them that I have put on my poetry blog. if you want to read it.

It was like a tribute. It seems I am making it a habit to create things that the "establishment" doesn't like and I am getting a lot of no we can't allow that. I don't even swear its just my opinion of how things are going. I set up a wordpress. Had it all nice and done up to show off the click programs that i am part of and they called it advertising and pulled my blog. So i deleted everything and left a message in the middle of the page saying this has moved to blahblah.com as wordpress my support freedom of speech but they dont support free enterprise. I haven't been back so i dont know if its still there like that. Most likely not I doubt wordpress would be thrilled with my comment.

I am working on crafting another poem that started to birth itself earlier this morning but i dont have it all set in my head yet so when it looks right I'll add it. It feels good to not be over reacting to everything anymore. now i just over react to things like a normal person lol well as normal as i will ever get anyway. I still want to put my old stuff in but its so damn depressing to reread and trying to figure out what the hell i wrote in the first place takes up a lot of time. i make drs handwriting look like a finely crafted work of calligraphy.

It feels a little odd actually having more the one entry a month but i guess i am getting to a point where i really need to express myself and all my friends and family have heard my stories, my crankiness and my episodes. they have held my hand and my head a few times and right now i just need to communicate to give my thoughts somewhere else to rest rather then keeping them all tied up in my head where i have enough things to deal with. if my stories and my history helps even one person to be able to help themselves or informs them so they can move on to the next step of healing then i have accomplished my goal. I have been up all night due to another freaky schedule mess up and the fact i have been drinking coffee since 4pm and i havent had any in like 2 months so i got a bit of a coffee buzz going and its been fighting with my help me to sleep meds. So since i have stayed up this long i can take my morning pills and get some rest without worrying about taking them on time :)

The popular vote

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:02:00 +0000

Ok I am just a tad cranky. I set up this really awesome lens on squidoo and I worked the whole page around the latest poem that I wrote on the 4th. This included a poll, a debate section and I also added the causality stats from the revolution through today. if you read the poem you'll get the whole thing. Well when i published it; it got a grey mark instead of a green. This means that it wasn't good enough to be supported by squidoo but you could still find it if you searched for it exactly and i couldnt put it in any groups. The information was considered not relevant for the current popular lens.

So war isnt popular..I am glad it isn't I would be very scared if war was popular.

So far this year

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:52:00 +0000

Well the van still isn't fixed. Money kinda goes faster then intended and to other projects and the van seems to keep drawing the short stick in this particular Merry-go-Round. I am just coming out of a 6 month depression. That is the longest time I can remember being that depressed. I really can't remember much but I know I wasn't much fun and I didn't have much fun.

I am on another new anti-depressant. This one appears to be working. I have been on it about a month and I take it at night because it puts me to sleep. Since taking it I have been actually sleeping and sleeping well as it has also helped in a big way to reduce my chronic pain. I can't begin to describe what it is like to not be in constant pain. It use to be even just laying down hurt now I can actually spend time with (what in my case is) a bearable amount of pain.

You would be surprised just how much pain can effect your mental attitude to life. I am way less cranky and its been notice by those around me. I also have a much more positive outlook, though I doubt I will ever be one of those "cheery people" I am at least finding a middle ground.

This wonder drug is called Cymbalta I am sure many have seen the commercial. I can tell you that the commercial does not exaggerate like most do this medication actually works and I would recommend it to anyone with depression or bipolar type conditions. I also would recommend it to people in chronic pain.

As a side point, I found out that I am in love. Its the first time I have ever really been "in" love and not just codependent. I am not going to say much as I am afraid to jinx it but it is a really wonderful feeling and I could get addicted to being happy.

Well thats really all thats been going on Oh except that I am going to miss my 20 year highschool reunion due to the van not being fixed but oh well. Its mainly just a reason for everyone to get together and see how many of their former class mates look older then they do and feel better about themselves. LOL Going to be adding some old stuff some point soon as soon as I can dig out the old journals. talk to you all soon. Happy 4th of July

Yet Another Year 04/08

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 06:18:00 +0000

Well the van is still broken. but its got insurance and AAA now next month ill register it then we get it fixed and we are back on the road. which really is just rides to doctor appts and such as i dont drive in this area i get to confused.

They are trying yet another anti depressant on my this time its cymbalta. So far i have noticed that there is a decrease in some areas of pain but just like the other anti depressants its slowly working its way to keeping me awake all the time and thus causing manic episodes. though they are small right now they always grow.and grow and grow.

We made it threw kelli's anniversary and her bday without too much of a issue for any of us. maybe thats what it really means when you say your prepared for someones death. you heal a little faster because of your feelings of thank god they are out of pain. so even though you get sad and lonely for that person. keeping then on this world would have meant more pain and problems then anyone should have to suffer

I should probably write more but sometimes things stay on a pretty even keel for extend periods of time and theres nothing to write about. This is one is like an update and a bit of manic and anxiety. i cant sleep and when everyone is getting up i finally am sleepy and if i stay up to go to bed that night like i should i am over tired and i cant sleep that night ether and then it just explodes to the point of not remembering what day you last slept or ate.

i dont really have alot to say except i am lonely. i talked to an old friend last night for almost 2 hrs and just talking about the fun we use to have and the trouble we use to get into actually made me feel better then i had in days. there are just so few ppl that have spent any length of time in my life to share that kind of stuff with. With Doris and Stanley passed on and mary with a new bf. and things going on with everyone else. there isnt much time left for a screwed up mental case like me in their lives.

but all in all we have had it great every since we moved here to michigan. i wouldnt trade this experience though i really miss vermont. what i miss the most is opening the front door after a rain storm and smelling the pine trees. kinda daft but then so am i .

Well i am actually feeling a little tired so i am going to try to sleep if not i ll be back lol have fun

Who Inspires You

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 18:55:00 +0000

It can not be said that there is any one person that inspired me. It was every story I heard and every person I meet who had learned how to deal with and control their bipolar or other mood and social disabilities. Though the symptoms manifested as a teenager they did not go over the edge until my early 20s. The diagnosis came down 3 years ago. I have bipolar type 1 and social anxiety I issues. I was 35 at the time.

I had no idea what was wrong with me but I knew something was so I went to doctor after doctor until someone paid attention. My psychiatrist was my first step in trusting in and listening to others on what I needed to do to get myself in control. I gave many thanks to my doctor at the time. She was and is a top-notch psychiatrist. that is a compliment I have never given any other counselor or therapist.

I quite smoking cigarettes, I got off the caffeine, and I stopped drinking. I do not watch shows that trigger my episodes and I have had to ask people to leave until I got better control of my episodes. I have gone threw so many meds until we found the right ones that I have lost count. We have finally found three that actually keep me fairly even.

I have conquered the impulse spending almost totally and I have taken care of the risky sexual behavior completely. People actually like me know and even take the time to get to know me, which was impossible before the cognitive therapy and meds.

Due to lack of funds and transportation, you have a very hard time working with uncontrolled bipolar, I did my own research. I taught myself about cognitive behavior therapy and spent long painful hours working on changing my self-view and my self-esteem. Without positive thought it is hard for anyone and especially for those who have mental illness to get themselves to a position of feeling “normal”.

Also without a solid support system like my mom and my friends Julia, Jo-Jo, Dave and Rick I would have never made it. I cannot pick just one person. There were too many on my road to healing that I cannot and I will not pick one over another.

In three years I have turned my life around and fought so I could be “normal”. In addition, become someone that somebody could be proud of and I have done that .So I guess it can be said that with my support system and desire to be healthy in the end I can add myself to the list of who inspires me.

Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 04:13:00 +0000

Written for a counselor somewhere between 04 and 06. Wanted to know my most predominant
emotion.

Fear. This I feel all the time. Fear of failing myself and others, fear of success, fear of hurting someone with my words or actions, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing my home, fear of going hungry, fear of rejection, fear of acceptance, fear of caring, fear of being cared for. I could go on forever think. I know that 99% of that fear is not justifiable. That it is me making a big deal over nothing, borrowing trouble. I am working very hard to control my fears and my reaction to things.

when i am scared I mostly want to run away. I am a big wussy. And I don't want to face my fears.I also will get all upset and push people away and cause self prophesied fears to occur rather then wait and see if the other shoe drops.

This can cause things to happen that never would have happened if I hadn't made it happened. Self destruction seems to be my biggest enemy. I fear it more then anything else in my life at this time. I don't know how far I will go to self destruct. I know how far I have gone in the past and I know that I am willing to do my very best not to ever return to that. But destruction is still destruction. I have felt it start to happen a couple of times and have bit my tongue till it bled to keep from starting a chain reaction.

I think its part of whats keeping me from getting close to people. The less I know about people the less I can us against them when I go into destruct mode. I must conquer my fears..just a normal life would be my biggest wish.

New Generation

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 15:25:00 +0000

Well on 4/20 at 930am I became a great aunt to one Connor Jerome 8lbs 3oz. It sure does make one think when the 2nd generation from yours start to appear. We are leaving May 5th to go back to Vermont to see him and other friends.

Believe it or not life is going good. It doesn't mean I am happy everyday my illnesses still get me down and freaky at times but on the whole things feel right and are going right for once in a long life of mess ups.

I don't have a lot. I don't eat fancy foods and I still don't care what the brand name is on the clothes I wear as long as I like them and there comfortable, but life has never been better. I have people who actually care for me and not what I can do for them or give them. I am learning how to budget my time more wisely so I might even be writing more soon. I am thinking of starting a couple of new blogs, one for my fiction writing and one for the book studies that I am doing for my school.

Oh yeah and I am going to school now. Its basically a Wiccan seminary school and I am very happy with it and myself with my studies.

Well thats it for this run I have hundered things to do to get ready to leave next weekend. Talk at you again soon take care.

New Look

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 01:03:00 +0000

I have updated the template to more match my healthier state of mind. Its not a huge difference as no one actually reads this thing anyway and I am just talking to myself. But it helps to clear my mind so I do not care how obscure my presence is. Any way if someone does actually read this thing I also have my own website that I setup with links that I have made money online with. and they are no get rich quick scams. I also have my squidoo lens a number of other blogs and rss feeds and forums where I actually get paid to post. Any way most of the stuff is on my homepage which is listed in my links on the right sidebar.

I can also be seen at a number of the links listed in "My Shares" and "links" not all of them have to do with me being a nut. Some of them have information on what I have learned about making money online. Check them out if you have a minuet or two.

A New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:17:00 +0000

Well here we are. Its January 2007..and I can truthfully say "I remember about 30 years ago" and I do.

Its odd just how fast time goes by and how fast we go threw life. Last year I wanted one thing. I wanted a stable life. Well the roof is stable. The income is stable. a few things are still wobbley but all in all I got what I wanted. (oh btw jan 5 made 1 year since i had a cig woo hoo for me)

But what do you do when you get what you want? do you know how to appreciate it? Are you really willing to pay ALL the costs that come with getting what you want...including the hidden ones?

Any way just some thoughts for the new year. This year goal is to get as healthy as I can without hurting myself. I may end up with back surgery to fix the pain. I hope it works. It would be nice to not be in pain all the time any more. Most likely it will make me a nicer person to be around as well.

Take it easy. More later

Almost a year

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 06:51:00 +0000

Well its been almost a year since i posted. but things have been going so well. I have moved and i am now living in michigan. a friend came with me. i dont know why out of the blue i am having another bipolar episode i havent had a down like this in ages. i have a few ups though. i can live through those. the downs are harder. while i know whats real and isnt real. it doesnt stop the thoughts.

For the last couple of days i have felt totally useless. which is fucked up as i have been running around packing things to move to the new house. And i have also been feeling like the only reason ppl are around me or want me around is for what i have or what i can do for them. it feels like if ppl had a choice and didnt want what the wanted from me they would never be around to begin with. I know it cant be true but it feels it. it feels like ppl only do nice things for me keep or keep me company just to placate me so that i wont realize that they want nothing to do with me.

i get oh thank you you have helped so much from one person and 2 mins later i get told that my conversation is uneeded and unwanted. basiclly shut up and go away. Most only talk to me when they have nothing better to do. I hate my illness. it is so hard to fight these feelings. and there is never anyone to help. unless they have bipolar as well you cant explain the depth to which the pain goes. and to just how real all the feelings are even though you know that its the illness and not real.

if this keeps up i am going to have to hospitalize myself because no one will be around i will have chased all away. and i am not allowed to live alone. i have no words to adequetly express and explain where my emotions are at when i am like this. i feel desolate, disillusioned, desperate, alone, mean, i feel bad like i have done something wrong and thats why i am alone. i feel like i am everyone elses sickness. i feel like a burden. and i dont know how to trust anyone when they say they really do like me, that i am a friend and that they want to be around me...thats what everyone has said. and its always been becuase they wanted something from me or for me to do something for them.

On the other hand. i will bend over backwards, do more then is required and more then what i can handle physically and i will give everything i have trying to make up for my illness. I have no other way to appologise for how act and respond when i am havin an episode. so am i really saying i am sorry. or am i trying to buy my friendships in possessions and work? its like the chicken and the egg. were they my friends before i could give them things or do things for them or did it come from after they were my friends and i started trying to make up for how awful i am.

I havent see a therapist since last june because of living in the car, the car breaking, moving to michgian etc. i havent had my depo shot in well a total of 6 months was suppose to have it in september but everyone kept putting it off telliln me to wait until i got here. Now i am having very intense pain from the cramps due to not having the depo. they ended up finding a polyup in my uterus they say it may be endometriosis. like duh. been saying that for 10 years or more now. It still scares me. my friend who i moved here to be compaion to has cancer most of it in her uterus. the tumors have grown so large that it has almost closed her vaginal canal totally.

What happens if what they found isnt just a polyup? my family has a very long history of uterian and ovarian cancer as well as cervix. i may not need my reproductive organs but i dont want them to rot away ether. Sometimes i get so scared when i see her. becuase our lives have ran so parelle its scarey and i dont want that to happen now. But its an unfounded fear and i know it. I also know i get pretty down during holidays seasons. and seasonal changes

There isnt even any snow here yet. there is green grass. it just gets a little frosty at the moment.
its like going threw fall all over again. and i think my seasonal affect disorder is kicking in. I wish there were anti depressent i could take so i would get so negative but i have a very severe reaction to them and its just worse then being depressed. its like the cure being worse then the disease.

I am also afraid of everyone leaving. I am just bearly learning how to do things that normal ppl do. what will happen if everyone is gone before i learning everything i need to know. and what happens if the state finds out i am alone. i will be put straight into a residental program with the other nut cases. and worst of all i will have lost my friends the only ppl i truely care about besides myself. and every damn time i start letting down my walls and letting ppl in to my heart they go away and it hurts. i know its part life but it doesnt mean i have to like it.

i have been such a cunt to one of my best friends. I keep this up i wont have one. But the flip side of that and the fucked up thing is that the only reason i end up being a bitch to him is that i know he wont hate me for it and i hope that he knows by now its because i trust him. i would have never made it this far in my life without his support. Hes put up with so much shit from me. I think its cause i am sacred that i give him so much shit totally backwards as usual. I get to the point where ppl matter to me and then i try to push them away before i can get anymore hurt.

i know i am not doing well at all becuase i have gone back to talking to the ppl in my bipolar support group that we created ourseleves by finding each other on line. I seem to be desperate for confirmation that i am doing well. that i am not being a total fuck up that i am useful that i am not just doing things to keep from loosing friends. and its not like you can walk up and ask them.. oh btw are you just hanging around me or letting me hang around because it makes your life easier? like anyone would honestly answer that.

I have been feeling old, ugly, mean, bitchy, nasty, and shit load more adjitives i cant think of at the moment. i have one friend who cant just let me talk without judging and trying to fix everything and this illness can only be controled to the best of my ability by me. My other friends can bearly handle the exccessive emotional outburst that come with both the mania and the depression. i have an easier time understanding those who cant deal with my emotions then those who seem to think this is some kind of stage i am goingthrew and a few good lessons on life and a i will fix you attitude will actually help.

all i need is someone to hear me. someone to let me be me. and someone who can handle it when they let me be me. So hear i sit scared, lonely, confused, ignored, and all those other so non positive feelings. and it is just so overwhelming. these are the episode i just want to open my bottles of pills and see just how long it takes to die. but i cant do it. i am to much a coward. and i know that all i would do is make even more problems for those i am trying to call friend.

I hate when this acts up and i feel like this. and the longer i go between episodes the more intense and hard to deal with they seem. when you deal with something everyday its much easier then when you have to deal with it a few times a year because you remember what you need and how to get it. and even how to talk yourself out of your episodes. i dont know if other bipolars have the same feelings or issues but i am hoping that now we live in a bigger area that i can find groups where i can get support and find out these answer myself. i dont know if it came on because i worked myself until i collasped literally the other day. or it is just part of the natural cycle that i have developed through the years. it has been good to be episode free. So its been real hard the last couple of days. oh well ...heres to live lets see if we can live it.

Friends!?

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 08:22:00 +0000

How do you know when your friends are real? How do you know when they arn't just feeling sorry for you and thats why they put up with you? How do you know they arnt just there for what they can get from you? and how do you not push your friends away with all your fears and paranoia and distrust?

It sure seems the more stable i feel on a regular baisis the worst the flash backs are and the worse my paranoia gets. i wonder why people are my friends. what do they get out of being friends with someone whos moods still swing quite a bit and who seems to forever need them.

with all that i need and get from those who say they are my friends what do they get from it? why are they willing to deal with me? i am just a person nothing special about me i am more of a nusience then anything else so why deal with that? is there a name for a type of person that puts themseleves threw what i do? how do i trust again?

i dont know. the only thing i know right now is that there are at least 2 people i know i can call friend but i have no clue why. and how do you ask someone "why are you my friend?" that puts them on the spot and you not really going to get a truthful answer.

i have so much on my plate right now i think i am going to burst. i might be losing my home again due to housing management bullshit. but hey at least this time i have a car i can live in.. alot warmer then last time when i had nothing. i just have to get threw february thats when alot of things should be done or started that i have been waiting for for years...i guess with everything so close its just hard to wait.

Looking Back

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 02:21:00 +0000

Just spent the last half hour browsing an old journal. I was hoping for some insight into the old me. It was really just full of day to day gibberish about things and people i was obssessing about at the time and just really made me glad i am not as bad as that anymore.

i didn't find a single thing worth mentioning here or even worth keeping. i was very busy writting about things that didn't matter so i could hide from myself the real problems i was having. It seems a very common trait with me in my past.

So in all i gained the knowledge that i was a very scared little girl for the majority of my life. i still am scared but no longer of what i may find inside myself. i believe that is most likely a problem faced by almost everyone not just those of us with mental illnesses. i also learned that my previous journaling skills really really sucked and i need major work on my penmenship :)