Bipolar Mo

I Wanna Be Straight

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 01:57:00 +0000

I can't believe it's a year since my last post, sheesh! I've really let things slip. What has happened over the past few months, I really can't remember much. My memory has been crap since being repeatedly electrocuted. I thought I had been mostly down over the past few months but I see at some point I have recorded 3 albums which usually indicates hypomania. To think that I missed that, bummer. Anyway, at the moment I am a bit below par. I am not clinically depressed just a bit of normal unhappiness which is all too familiar to Joe Public. I also have a stinking cold which is not helping things. I am due for a routine physical on Friday, the old bloods and ECG so at least that will get me out of the house for a while.

I can't remember which psychiatrist I had when we last spoke but I think it was my beloved Moonstone Woodstock. Well sadly Moonstone retired but was replaced by the wonderfully kind and sensitive "Sparrow". I was very fond of Sparrow but she too retired to pastures new. I now have "Fancy Prancy Shoes" who always wears wonderful colourful dancing shoes. Sadly Fancy Prancy has gone off on a years maternity leave... or perhaps a 12 month trip to Egypt to buy even fancier shoes.. we just don't know. I now have Mrs Schoolteacher CPN who is a bit of a preacher woman ( unlike the son of the preacher man she is not "the only one who could ever reach me"). Not surprisingly (but not bad news) is that Mrs Schoolteacher has been off sick for the past couple of months only to be replaced by Father Stone who is hardly the most animated person on the planet. To be fair he may be a bit dull but at least he is professional. I am probably just judging him by my bizarre standards and still grieving the loss of my wonderful shrinks.

As well as my Valproate, I am now on Lamotrigine 200mg daily as apparently it is more effective in folks who are predominantly depressed (as I am). I think my mood has been fairly stable over the past year. I have not been in hospital since last summer and have not had any severe mood swings in that time.

So in the meantime I shall try and move on up and try to get straight.

Ready To Rock

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 09:43:00 +0000

I got my driving licence back on 11th March...whoopee!!!! So am no longer stranded in the middle of nowhere. Since then I have been buzzing. I am sleeping less and less and starting to get involved in music again. My CPN is currently off sick so the shrink came to see me on Tuesday. Unlike me she is concerned that I am becoming hypomanic and has prescribed Diazepam 5-10mg at night to help me get off to sleep. Much to my surprise it is actually working and helping me get off to sleep. However, four to five hours later I am up and ready to rock.

I'm Still Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 17:01:00 +0000

My wife seems much better now, coming to terms with her dad's death. My mood has improved and I am now on the level. My CPN has asked me to consider trying Lamotrigine again and I'm OK with that.

I am still wrapped up in correspondence with the DVLA regarding my fitness to drive. I last saw my GP on 16.08.16 and my consultant on 14.12.16 (this is a handy reminder for me). I am desperate for them to make a decision so I can begin my sentence. The latest hold up is due to another condition I suffer, atrial fibrillation. They want to make sure I don't suffer blackouts or dizzy spells.

Cars and Girls

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 13:57:00 +0000

I've fairly settled down since the last post and my mood is now about normal. Unfortunately the team doctor was horrified to learn that I was still driving so that's my licence away again. DVLA have been informed and I shall probably get a 6 month ban which is like a jail sentence in my rural area.

My poor wife is still struggling with her dad's death. She went back to work today and was really not looking forward to it.

Grey Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 22 Nov 2016 23:16:00 +0000

My father in law died today. He had been ill for sometime and was being nursed at home as he really didn't want to go into hospital. As it was he died peacefully surrounded by his family which was what he wanted but it's obviously still devastating for everyone. I've had to do my best to curb my restlessness and focus on supporting his family. I'm currently taking 200mg Chlorpromazine at night as well as all my usual pills. Last week they were threatening to take me into hospital and add some Olanzapine as I was not sleeping and getting pretty exhausted. I feel guilty at the moment as despite the family trauma my head is still buzzing. I am trying my best to help my wife through this but my head is still full of music. I just hope I can contain myself over the next few days.

Tired Of Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 02 Nov 2016 02:07:00 +0000

So the shrink never turned up last Thursday. I phoned the office several times but just got an answering machine. I've had a letter since saying she's coming this Thursday. I've been high and not sleeping much. On Saturday night I was tired and took 100mg Chlorpromazine and copious amounts of alcohol,

I managed to get a few hours sleep. I saw the OT on Monday who at least gave me his phone number so I can try and get in touch with the shrink in future. I've been buying bits and bobs off Amazon but so far not too much. I managed to format the wrong drive on my music PC and lost two weeks worth of music! What a waste. I've decided to format the blog in a bigger font as my eyesight is failing. The CPN phoned to say she would come this week but I told her I was already in overload with the OT and the psychiatrist. Honestly it's like waiting on a bus; none for ages then three come at once. I'm still sleeping very little and spending about 16 hours a day recording music. I'm busy, busy, busy, but don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm getting very irritable with everyone as they are so slow. And I am getting frustrated with my inability to mange the drives on my PC. I have to get back to the music. Goodbye! ;)

What goes up must come down

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 04:00:00 +0000

Things went rapidly downhill after the last post and I ended up spending a month in hospital after becoming severely depressed. There were no obvious triggers, no steady decline, I went from being OK to being suicidal within a couple of days. Weird. They started me on Fluoxetine and I slowly got better because of it or despite it. So that was the summer wasted down in the quagmire. While I was in hospital they discovered I was back in atrial fibrillation but this time the cardiologist has decided not to treat this as I have obviously had it for a while and am "too young" to be at risk of a stroke.

After the summer I had a couple of months of relative normality before sliding into hypomania and that's where I am just now. Last week the CPN visited and they decided to stop my antidepressant and prescribe me Chlorpromazine 50mgs. I haven't really slept for a week now, though I did have one night when I got a couple of hours after taking 100mg Chlorpromazine. I have been busy writing songs and trying to record stuff but it's difficult when you are driven with so many ideas. I filled my PC to bursting point and had to reformat it to get it going again. I have been mildly overspending but so far have managed to resist buying a nice Martin acoustic but ohhhhh I want it! However, I'm still grounded enough to know my wife would kill me if I spent that kind of money but all indications are that I am going high. Not before time either!....Yeeha!

Current Medication:

Sodium Valproate 2g
Aripirazole 30mg
Chlorpromazine 50mg
Thyroxine 50mcg
Bisoprolol 2.5mg
Atorvaststin 40mg
Aspirin 75mg

The shrink is due to see me tomorrow so if (and that's a big if!, the CMHT are very unreliable) she turns up we shall see what she does with my meds. Right, it's now 5am I'm off for a cup of tea and then maybe I'll try and get an hour or two of sleep before morning.

Stuck In The Middle

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Sat, 18 Jun 2016 13:51:00 +0000

It's been over six months since I wrote anything on here and to be honest there's not much to say. I have been mostly stable. I had a low in November but not so bad that I ended up in hospital. I had a locum shrink at the time who insisted I get out for walks and refused to medicate me. I had an episode of mild hypomania in March/April during which time I blew a lot of money including the purchase of a Gibson les Paul, great guitar but really not something I could afford. I'm not sleeping well at the moment and have been prescribed Zopiclone which ensures the wee bit sleep I do get is unbroken and restful. Other than that I guess I'm just a wee bit below par. My father in law has been very ill which has obviously stressed my wife and subsequently me. Other than that I'm OK.

Change

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 01 Sep 2015 15:50:00 +0000

I have now started Lamotrigine with no side effects so far.

My CPN visited yesterday and informed me she shall be leaving in 3 weeks and I will be transferred to another nurse. I shall also start seeing a new psychiatrist next month so it is a time of change and uncertainty for me.

Lamotrigine-genie

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 22:43:00 +0000

Things are still going well. I saw the sparrow last week who decided that since I have mostly depressive episodes now that I should go onto Lamotrigine. I shall start on a low dose next week. We have just spent a few days in the highlands which has been wonderful.

Woohoo!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Fri, 17 Jul 2015 14:45:00 +0000

I got the result of my PIP application yesterday and I have been successful.. Woohoo! That's me OK until 2009 and it's a huge weight off my mind.

The OT came to see me last week for a brief chat and will return in the near future to do a full assessment. My CPN was here this week and things are currently going great. I have been playing music and we have arranged to go away for a few days next month. Woohoo indeed.

Eat It

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 24 Jun 2015 17:42:00 +0000

The sparrow returned today and asked all the usual questions; any intrusive thoughts, how are you sleeping, any side effects from the pills, any problems etc. I told her I was fine and currently no problems other than my weight. I am now 18 stones, I used to be 11 stones. I explained how I had put on a stone per month while on Olanzapine and thank fuck it was now stopped. She said the valproate my also be contributing to my weight gain.

She then pointed out how last week I had focused on the psychological changes since becoming ill and this week I was focussing on the physical changes. She queried whether I could accept that I am a different person now. I said no, I pined for the old me. She asked if I envisaged coming to terms with this in the future and again I said not really. She asked if my wife had come to terms with new me. I told her yes, my wife says I used to be Mo#1 and now I am Mo#2 but she still loves me.

I hate Mo#2 and wish I could regain my sparkle and trim figure.

Electricity

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 16 Jun 2015 23:16:00 +0000

"The sparrow" (my latest shrink) came to see me today to see how I was getting on. I assured her all was well and I was doing fine; I am managing to crawl out of bed in the mornings and I have started writing music again. We spoke at length about all sorts of things. She asked me what I was like between my ups and downs, I told her I had never been the same since I had ECT. Whether it was the severity of the illness at that time or the ECT itself I didn't know but I have certainly lost my "sparkle". I used to be so outgoing, talkative and gregarious. I used to dominate the conversation with my friends and enjoy "holding court" and showing off my "dazzling wit". Nowadays, even when "well", I am quiet, lacking in confidence and usually just listen to my supportive mates talk, unable to initiate conversation. I suppose I am able to talk most freely when writing on here.

Top Of The Pops

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 12:16:00 +0000

Sorry I haven't written anything for ages but I have been pretty low in mood. I took to my bed a couple of months ago then ended up in hospital again. Now that I am cared for by the Rehab team I no longer go to the acute admissions ward but am instead cared for in the medium to long stay unit. I was really embarrased going in as I knew some of the staff from my days of working as an RMN. Plus it seemed confirmation that I have a serious chronic condition and not some glamorous showbiz label. Anyway they increased my Sertraline a wee bit and because of/or despite this I slowly improved. I was well enough to be discharged this morning but am still not feeling top of the pops.

Current medication:

Depakote 1g twice daily

Aripiprazole 30mg

Sertraline 150mg

Thyroxine 50mcg

Bisoprolol 2.5mg

Atorvaststin 40mg

Aspirin 75mg

Cardioversion

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 19:51:00 +0000

Well I went into hospital on Thursday for cardioversion and am now fixed!

The day centre is going great and I am attending three times a week. I am also busy recording a new album. So at the moment everything is fabulous.

Slave To The Rhythm

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 12 Nov 2014 13:02:00 +0000

My mood remains good but I continue to have problems with my heart. I am now in atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat) and waiting to go into hospital for cardioversion (electric shock to the heart) to force me back into a normal rhythm. First they have to slow down my heart rate with Bisoprolol and prevent clotting with Rivaroxaban so I should go into hospital in about three weeks.

Heartbeat

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 20:59:00 +0000

The day centre has been going well. I am starting to get to know some of the folks. I particularly enjoy the art group in which I am learning to paint... read that as learning to cover my trousers in acrylics.

My mood has been stable but unfortunately my heart has not been. On Sunday I developed central chest pain which persisted throughout the day, eventually I called NHS24 who arranged for an ambulance to take me to hospital. They thought it was pericarditis but also thought I had a touch of stable angina so was prescribed Ivabradine 2.5mg twice daily.

All By Myself

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 18:43:00 +0000

I went to the new day centre today. I was a bit nervous, it was like the first day at school. The staff were really nice and played pool with me. I did know one guy who chatted a bit but I mostly sat on my own in silence. Hopefully it will be better next time.

I Can't Explain

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:59:00 +0000

Things are still going well at the moment. I have finished recording another album which I am pleased with. I am still waiting to hear from the rehab team as to when I shall get my new shrink...ZZZzzzzzzz.
On the plus side I have been referred and accepted into a new day centre where I shall go twice a week for art and social therapy. Hopefully I will be able to get out of bed in time, I've been doing a lot of sleeping recently which usually means I am going down. On the other hand I have been busy creating new blogs which usually means I am getting high... so I just don't know what's going on with me at the minute. I can't explain.

Drive

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Fri, 30 May 2014 13:21:00 +0000

Things have improved dramatically over the past week and I am now feeling much better. I have been doing the exercises given to me by the physio and continue to walk the dog every day. Today is a real red letter day for me as my driving licence arrived in the post! It's been renewed for 3 years and I am over the moon.

View From A Bridge

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Wed, 21 May 2014 02:00:00 +0000

I have just been released from the looney bin. About 4 weeks ago I stood on a bridge contemplating jumping off, of course I was too pathetic to actually proceed despite the voices telling me to jump. It was a very embarrassing affair. I felt my head was hollow, my brain had been scooped out by a curette. I was admitted to hospital and spent about three and a half weeks in the bin. I barely slept while I was in and watched the sunrise each morning from my room...

I am so embarrassed by my weakness and I am totally ashamed of the pain this caused to my family and friends. I am now no longer suicidal and feel much better. I am trying to walk the dog every day but that is about it. I will write more when I am feeling better.

Bloody Shrink

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Tue, 08 Apr 2014 21:13:00 +0000

Got a letter from the DVLA saying that the reason they haven't got back to me is that they are still waiting on a response from my psychiatrist despite sending him a reminder. Mrs Mo tried to phone him today but needless to say he is on holiday. His secretary is adamant they haven't received any correspondence from the DVLA. I'm seriously pissed off.

Rehab

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Sat, 05 Apr 2014 20:39:00 +0000

I am doing well at the moment; sleeping well, writing and recording music and have played a couple of gigs with my band. All in the garden has been rosy for a couple of months now.

The rehab team finally came to assess me on Thursday and boy did they make an appearance, they came en masse. A psychiatrist, a CPN, an OT and a medical student. However thankfully only the psychiatrist had the power of speech, the other three remained mute. I was asked about my history and how I had first presented to the service. The poor old shrink looked pained with sympathy (ho hum) but to be fair she was very nice. I forgot to sit down on the one remaining seat and instead paced the floor throughout the interrogation. Fortunately no one commented on this, they just looked on sympathetically grrrrr. After about an hour they left to make a decision about me in private. They will contact my CPN who will let me know in time if I am suitable. It was just like a job interview.

I applied to have my driving licence renewed in January but am still waiting to hear back from the DVLA. This is a real pain as I am well at the moment and keen to get out and about. And the fishing season has started!

Flat

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Thu, 21 Nov 2013 16:18:00 +0000

I've been quite flat over the past couple of months, spending most of the time sleeping. Dr Formal quickly passed me onto Nurse Lovely so I am now monitored by a CPN. However, on her visit today she says she is referring me to the Rehab Team (read that as abandon all hope ye who enter this team for the chronic incurables) who will be able to offer me much more in the way of social care. I feel a wee bit brighter today hence finally writing something down on here. Hopefully I've turned a corner.

New Life

noreply@blogger.com (Mo) — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 20:12:00 +0000

It's been a long time since I posted anything and much has happened during that time. I have been up and down like a yoyo with daily visits from the crisis team at times. However at the moment I am on an even keel.

The most disastrous thing has happened. My beloved Doctor Moonstone Woodstock has retired and left me, I really miss her badly. She was very good to me and good for me. She has been replaced by the ever so normal Dr Formal. To be honest he seems OK but no one shall ever replace Moonstone for me.

Another disaster was the DVLA removed my driving licence from me due to severe mood swings so now I can't drive anywhere. This is driving me nuts (pardon the puns).

On the upside of things I managed to write and record two CDs during a recent hypomanic phase. Oh I do love all that energy and creativity. Needless to say it was drugged out of me.