One day I spotted a new student I knew that he should be mine. He had that look–he didn’t know what was going on and you tell just by the look on his face. I looked in on him a few more times–sometimes he looked spacey, other times he seemed  a little hyper, but one thing was clear: he wasn’t engaging with the material. He was a transfer student, so I took the time to go downstairs and pull his file to see if he’d been identified as needing special education. Usually we were pretty up-to-date on this, but sometimes a child’s status could get lost in the transfer process.

When I found his folder I discovered the dreaded yellow paper. The yellow paper meant that someone else had seen what I saw–a student falling behind–but the child had no qualified for special education services. There are many different way a person can qualify for special education–some children qualify because of learning disabilities, which is a proven gap between I.Q. and performance. Other children qualify because their I.Q. is too low. On average, an I.Q. of 90-110 is considered average. Most children with an 80 or above will do fine in school. Not great, but should be able to pass. Kids 69 and below qualify for special education. In between 69 and 80 are ten points. Kids in that range have almost no chance of success in school. Their I.Q.’s show you that they don’t have the foundation that they need to be successful in the upper. they’re not allowed extra help or shortened assignments, though. Instead, they are left to languish in the school system until they either flunk out or drop out.

So when I saw that yellow piece of paper my heart sunk because i knew that there were very few option for this child. Someone with a low IQ may achieve a great many things–but this is with a fantastic support system. I have seen it, so I know it can happen, but I was working in a low-income school and most of my students did not have a fantastic support systems. In fact, they were in need more than the average kid–may of my students didn’t have enough supervision, food, heat, or beds.

The child I spotted that day failed for the year and was held back. If you don’t know, getting held back almost guarantees that a person will never finish high school–it’s the death sentence of a person’s education. Still, we lock them into the same track as everyone else and hpe that things will be different. That somehow this child will beat the odds when they are already up against so much.

I saw him in the hall one day during his second go at the eighth grade and the light had gone out from behind his eyes. I don’t know if he was using drugs, but he was blank when you looked at him. He stood in the hall blatantly breaking a basic school rule and I was forced to intervene. I have worked with criminals and gang members and very little phases me, but this child made me nervous. He just didn’t care.

I don’t know why Akien Scott shot into a crowd of people on Mother’s Day. I do the expression on his face reminded me of a boy a knew six years ago who had given up.

We fail children almost every day.

We fail to meet their need for an education that is appropriate for their abilities.

We fail to give them took to help them be successful and productive adults.

We fail to provide them with a support system that could guide them to meaningful adulthood.

We shove them into a one-size-fits-all education model that is a bad fit for many.

We place them in desks and tell them to be quiet.

We let them know that if they ant to be something like a mechanic or a welder that first they must fail many times in the traditional system. They must be demoralized for years before they can become something.

We ignore their innate gifts.

Before this, parents will fail. After this, the criminal justice system will fail, but there are things we can do. We can support the trades and the arts as much as we support traditional academics. We can stop supporting the idea that a cookie cutter education serves anyone. We can volunteer with after school art and music programs. We can tutor. We can be a big brother or big sister. We can support Boy’s and Girl’s club. There are things that can be done–perhaps we keep the door from shutting on these young lives. Perhaps we can turn some of these stories around.

Right now in New Orleans and in other parts of the state, we are busy creating a secondary school system–one that will effectively shut the door on these students much earlier. If you only see your mom three times a week, what are the chances she’s going to go and fill out an application to get you into a Charter School? If you have trouble reading and writing, no voucher in the world is going to make a private school keep you. If you’re disabled, they won’t let you in in the first place. If we reward teachers for high test scores, where’s the incentive to work with the students who need the most help? People want to know WHY and there are many reasons, but this is one of them. We chip away at a person’s self-esteem until they are convinced there’s nothing left to lose. This is something that we can address. Instead, we want to blame everyone else. It may be someone else’s fault, but they’re not changing any time soon. We can. We want to think that casting a vote will change what is, in essence, a problem of an entire community–of an entire nation. We create these children together and together we suffer the consequences.

I don’t know all the answers, but I know this–children that need help should be helped. Before we get another reminder of how badly they need us.

If there is one Universal truth about being a mother, I think it’s that having children helps keep you grounded. I mean, you can be Beyonce, and Blue Ivy is still going to vomit on you. And not apologize.

Last week I was reminded of this for about the one zillionth time.

You see, the boys and I were headed out for some fast food breakfast when THE BEST song came on. So like any cool chick, I cranked up the tunes as we cruised to our destination.

I pulled up to the drive through feeling the epitome of cool.

The helpful Drive Thru guy said “my pleasure” a lot and offered me condiments.

And right as I hand over my credit card I realize that there is an Unidentified Substance on my shirt that may or may not be human excrement.

There’s only one way to know for sure, so I attempt a Super Secret Sniff Maneuver.

The only problem is that the exact moment that lean over and sniff my own shirt, Mr. Drive Thru comes back and catches me acting like a complete weirdo.

And suddenly I realize that may not be *quite* as cool as I feel in my own head.

Luckily, my entourage quickly distracted me from those kinds of thoughts.

And on we went. Cool as ever.

I make this look good.

]]> http://birdonthestreet.com/2013/05/mom-moments/feed/ 4 http://birdonthestreet.com/2013/05/shrink-a-dink-dink/ http://birdonthestreet.com/2013/05/shrink-a-dink-dink/#comments Fri, 10 May 2013 05:34:05 +0000 katy http://birdonthestreet.com/?p=5073 So yesterday? I think it was yesterday. I started losing my mind a while back (sometime between babies 3 and 4 to be exact), and I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.

So yesterday. Yesterday a child psychologist came to the house to evaluate the twins.

After my own shrinking experience, I was ready to just cancel the whole thing, but I pretended to be a grownup, cleaned up a little, and braced myself to try things out at least once. I did not, however, bother to put on real pants. I mean, if she’s going to see how things really are, she’s going to need to meet my pajama pants. I only put on real pants if I’m leaving the house.

Where was I? Oh yes, the shrink.

So she came over and immediately started asking me questions and I was a prepared to hate her, but then. . . I didn’t.

She had actual, concrete suggestions for dealing with the issues I’m facing as the mom of four children, three of whom seem to have some kind of special need. Also: she didn’t appear to be waiting for me to cry. She watched the kids, we talked about each of them. She played with them some. She didn’t bat an eye when I put on an Elmo video so she and I could talk without screaming/running/crying/whining/begging. It was good.

She called the state and was harsh with some people about why we don’t receive any respite care for Charlie. They’re going to call us. It’s bound to be a debacle, but it was nice of her to call.

She recommended some management techniques for dealing with Louis’s problem areas–baths and diaper changes–and then talked at length about how he doesn’t really seem to be progressing these days.

We talked about August who was his flirty best–smiling at her, playing games–just generally being his little impish self. She also got to see him flap with excitement over Elmo and spend every available minute trying to sit in my lap. She agreed that he has very uneven skills and that his social skills seem quite good. There’s something definitely going on there, but exactly what is still a bit of a mystery–he’s not classic autism, but some kind of developmental delay? Who knows.

She recommended I put the twins in daycare for one or two days a week. She explained that at their age, the boys are starting to “mirror.” With no good models for play or language (their older brother isn’t a great role model either–eep!), they’re mimicking each other. This might work if they were both chugging along normally, but instead we’ve got August over in a field of dandelions next to the path that is normal development. He’s spinning, he’s happy, he may even be making some progress, but he’s distracting Louie and that’s no good. It’s even possible that if they continue this field frolicking long enough, they could derail Rex as well. You can just guess how excited I am about the prospect of MORE therapy.

So.

Louie definitely needs daycare so he can see normal development. August would probably benefit as well, but even just getting Louie in there should start moving things along. I’m going to have to call some places and see if anywhere has a summer opening–I’ve never heard of this, but apparently some daycare centers have spots open up in the summers when teachers take their kids out for the ten weeks that is summer break. I’m hoping to slide Louie and maybe even August into one of those slots.

She also taught me an ABA routine for getting kids really good at responding to their names. If you aren’t familiar with ABA, it’s the considered the most-effective treatment for kids with autism. From what I can tell, it is a LOT like training a dog. My dog wanders into the street every other day and sleeps on my husband’s pillow when we’re not looking, so I’m sure we’re going to be GREEEAAAT at this. Still, it would be nice if the kids were better at coming when they’re called. Right now they only do it when I call them inside and that’s because I pretend to lock them out if they don’t hustle. They tell me my Mother of the Year Award is in the mail in case you were wondering.

After the proper paperwork is filed and red tape is applied in the appropriate places, the psychologist should be coming out every two weeks or so to see how things are going and help me with tips, pointers, and possibly dog treats. I might have made that last one up.

I’m feeling oddly optimistic about the whole thing. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Joy! Remember? I bet you thought I forgot, but I didn’t. This month I’m focusing on being more present in the moment with my children. For someone who love, LOVES her smart phone and who is maybe a *tad* ADHD, I have to say that this is a tough one for me, but that’s why I’m working on it!

So here’s what I’m doing–I’m closing my laptop for a good chunk of the day–especially in the morning when the kids are their brightest. I’m also making sure mornings are TV-free. This way the focus is completely on the kids and what they’re doing. It’s been great, actually! If they take even a momentary interest in something, I’m able to leap up and encourage them. I’m also cleaning a little, which is never a bad thing.

But guess what else I’m doing? I’m trying to take more pictures. With my phone. I know! I have to be very disciplined to get this done, but I think it’s a good thing too. I feel like if I take a second and just try to capture those little moments, that I’ll enjoy them a little more. Or maybe remember them better?

But then I have to put it down. Quick!

So I’m unplugging and plugging in at the same time. But it’s working.

Which is probably why I didn’t mention the social worker before this.

Louie doing Zen Calligraphy (yes, it looks a lot like smearing paint with a brush)

About two months ago–give or take, I’ve lost track of these things–when they decided to ramp up therapy for both twins, they also suggested that I get my very own social worker. Somebody for me to talk to about the stress that makes up a big chunk of my day to day life. I wasn’t really enthused about the idea, but when people offer you help, I think it’s smart to take them up on it–Mothers make terrible martyrs and all that.

The social worker came and sat on my couch and asked me questions about my life. I felt a little teary–three kids in therapy sounds really bad when you start saying it out loud. And then I felt like crap the rest of the day.

So I quit.

I mentioned this to a few people and they both said something along the lines of “don’t you ever get depressed?” or “doesn’t it all get to you sometimes?” And the answer is a simple one: of course it does. OF COURSE IT DOES. I mean, I live in a house with four people who wear diapers, can’t talk, and who all, ALL have an opinion. And my husband works a lot.

My secret, though, is that I’ve been crazy a lot longer than I’ve had kids.

That’s putting it simply, so here’s a slightly longer explanation: I have struggled with darkness as long as I can remember. Well, since I was twelve anyway. And long before I had kids, I had to learn how to work through it. I have a pretty significant bag of tricks when it comes to dealing with depression or dark moods or whatever it is that my mind may try to throw at me.

I don’t talk about this stuff very much. One, because it makes me look weak and I’m not weak. Two, because I don’t want people to think that my life makes me feel this way–it doesn’t. I’ve felt this way a lot longer than this stage in my life. I actually think my life is pretty great most of the time and even a great life doesn’t keep depression at bay all the time. And the third reason is because managing my moods is just something I do. Twenty-two years makes it more like second nature.

So I quit therapy. If I need to talk to someone I will (or I’ll blog about it here). If I need something else, I’ll take care of that too.

Besides, her visits were cutting into my nap time.

No, mom, I will not paint, but I do like to have my picture taken–let’s just do that.

I actually still feel this way. If I thought of a million different professions, I don’t think I would be able to find one that feels like a better fit.

I got so excited that I went to a bookstore and picked up a copy of The Children’s Writer’s and Illustrator’s Market 2013. Getting serious.

That books has a lot of “don’t's” in it. A lot. Didn’t take me long to realize that my idea of a good Children’s book might not be the same as the people who actually publish Children’s books.

The more I read, the more deflated I felt.

No rhyming.

No bedtime stories.

No books about being yourself.

No Christmas.

The proper way to. . .

No this

No that.

I realize that the real world of publishing is tough. I know that a lot of people want to get their books published but can’t. I get that.

But all the not-to-do’s have got me thinking.

Wondering if this is what I want to do with my book. I’m exploring all my options–including self-publishing.

You can have faith in your work and your opinion of it, or you can let someone else tell you if it’s good enough.

I haven’t decided, but I love that I’m strong enough to.

Where was I? Oh yes. An opportunity to go see Clinton Kelly at my local Macy’s talking about clothes and I’d get preferential seating if I wrote a blog post about it? Game on.

I was especially excited because having three kids in a year has left the ole body in less that perfect condition. I know, I know it’s hard to believe, but no, I don’t have the body of a twenty-six-year-old any more. Or a thirty-two-year-old for that matter.

So when the time came to ask Mr. Kelly a question, I threw my hand up in the air like an over-eager student. Me, me, me, me, me, meeeee! I wanted to ask about jeans. You see, post-kids, all jeans are basically muffin-top-makers. You know what I mean–they sit under the horrific roll that is your stretched-out abdomen and you are left with a MOST unflattering shape. Ok, maybe you don’t know–lucky you.

This woman got personal advice from Clinton and $100 Macy’s gift card. Score!

I’ve been wanting to buy a pair of nice denim–something expensive–because I heard that you get what you pay for in that department. So I asked Clinton what he thought about buying denim. He told me to think about what you want to accentuate–if you want to accentuate your hiney, wear skinny jeans. If you want to look more balanced, look for something with a straighter leg. Viola! Straighter leg. He also said you need to try on a TON of jeans to find the perfect pair–he made it sound a lot like swim suit shopping.

Then we had the show and he gave out a TON of good advice–all while being really funny. He is probably 100% funnier in real life than he is on TV and I thought he was pretty funny on TV. Here are just a few of his tips:

• Get a good bra fitting–”your girls will thank you.”
• Dress for the body you have now–not the body you want (I need to listen to this one)
• Wear what makes you happy (love that). He shared this gem with a wheelchair user who seemed to think maybe she should tone things down a little. Clinton disagreed.
• Get a good tailor.
• Don’t keep stuff in your front pockets–”nobody wants front junk in the trunk.”
• When buying jeans–it takes up to twenty pairs to find a good one.

I didn’t rip this entire outfit off the model–but that mostly because it wasn’t my size. SO CUTE!

After the show,  I went shopping. I ended up with one very gorgeous pair of straight-leg Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, which make my addled midsection look a lot less horrific. Win! I also got a copy of Clinton’s new book “Oh No She Didn’t.” I’d tell you if it’s any good, but my friend Cara stole it from me immediately, but I did see a section called “tramp stamp at work,” so I suspect it will be as funny as he is.

So there you go: Me, shopping, without my kids, and spending more money than I ever do on something that makes me look good. Also, fashion advice from a reality TV guru. I’ve had worse days.

I am a member of the Everywhere Society and Everywhere has provided me with compensation for this post. However, all thoughts and opinions expressed herein are my own.

I am not a parent in a rush to give my children a life-long illness. I already have one like that and it’s plenty of work. Plenty. I can’t, however, ignore the growing list of symptoms that seem to indicate some kind of dietary issue. Probably most importantly, I’d like some help figuring out whether or not just gluten is an issue or if we have other issues as well.

• The child is skinny, skinny skinny, and he eats all day long. He eats fruit, vegetables, gluten free grilled cheese sandwiches, cheese puffs, popcorn, beans, soups, stews. He has always eaten more than his twin brother, but his twin brother is bigger and heavier. I can see all of his ribs through his back, but he often has a big belly.
• He has dark circles under his eyes that come and go. Whenever I see these I know he’s going to be distant and difficult.
• Warning, poop talk ahead: He is always constipated. He goes regularly, but it’s usually what my husband and I call “rabbit turds.” I just don’t believe that can be healthy.
• He eats weird stuff. Mostly, he eats cardboard. Now, I know that Pica can be a sign of Autism, but this habit dropped to 10% of what it was when I eliminated gluten. Now, it comes and goes with less frequency, which again, I think it’s being caused by something he’s eating, but I don’t know what.
• We have a family history of digestive disorders including Chrons and IBS.

I don’t know what to do. I know gluten is an issue, but I’m not completely sure how to handle that–does that mean no gluten in my house at all? Should I never eat things with gluten either? Is it like a peanut allergy or different?

I also think that there may be other problem foods, but I’m not sure exactly what. Maybe dairy? If dairy, what are good substitutes for bottles? (I know they should have bottles at this age, but with a nine month old in the house, they will get a bottle one way or the other, so it’s easier to just give them to them.)

Ideas? Suggestions? I’ve already tried banging my head again the wall and that was no help at all.

———————————————

Charlie and I are heading to Montreal in about a week to visit with ABR creator Leonid Blyum. Leonid is quite smart and crazy-detailed, so I look forward to meeting with him and hearing what he has to say about Charlie progress and what we can do to help him continue to progress. I hate to fly and my last flights to and from Dallas were especially bumpy, so I’m hoping I make it through this trip without throwing up on any innocent strangers.

———————————————

When Charlie was two, I started doing educational units with him. The twins are rapidly approaching their second birthday and once again, I’m thinking about how I can encourage and challenge them in their daily lives. Things are a little crazier with two–I’m scared to death of paint–but I know it’s time as they start transitioning away from babyhood and into preschool age.

———————————————

When I was at Blissdom I went to a presentation on video and got kind of excited about it and have started doing some video blogs. These are completely random, but you are more than welcome to check them out. I’m usually dog-tired when I’m filming with no makeup and wild hair, but I never claimed to be a movie star, so you get what you get. The latest one will appear at the bottom of this page, so feel free to scroll down any time and see what I’m chatting about. They’re never longer than three minutes and a lot of them are much shorter.

From here out out I hope that each Wednesday we’ll a have a post like this one–a post that lists an issue that I’ve spotted on a message board that other parents can comment and respond to. I’ll get the ball rolling with our own experiences:

These weren’t put on very well, but they still helped.

Have you ever tried Theratogs?

Yes! We have. We have found theratogs very helpful in getting Charlie to hold his body up straighter and we also noticed that he seems to hold these improved positions long after we’ve taken the theratogs off. The big issue for us and theratogs were the time involved in putting them on and the heat. Charlie overheats very easily, so we can only use Theratogs at certain times of the year–here in South Louisiana, that’s not very often.

Time was also a factor for us. Once Charlie got strong enough to start crawling, it can be difficult to get the whole getup without him crawling away halfway through.

Despite these limitations, I would definitely recommend theratogs for kids who are working on postures or who need a little support to become better sitters or standers–they seem to remind the child the best way to do these activities. When I think about things like splints and braces, this is/was the best product that we tried with Charlie.

Open Question: Have You Tried a Brace/Splint That Worked Really Well for Your Child? What Was It? Why Was it Great?

I’d now like to open up the floor for more wisdom. Have you tried a particular brace that worked great for your child? A splint? We tried some wrist splints for Charlie and he could take all of them off. We did night knee braces, but I don’t feel like they did a whole lot and they definitely made sleeping harder. I’m considering trying a Benik splint to help him get his index finger out for using the iPad, but I’m worried he’ll just take that off too.