The bar exam is a little over a month away. All the folks in your bar prep class have been clear: after July 4th is when it’s time to freak out. That’s when you up your caffeine and/or cocaine¹ intake by at least fifty percent. It’s when you cut all ties with reality and begin mumbling to yourself about various acronyms that are harder to remember than the rule itself. That is when you see your relationships, friendships, and hygiene crumble around you. That day will come. But it is not this day.

There’s Still Time to Learn

Now it’s still time to learn. It’s time to listen attentively in class to a professor, or possibly some guy on a DVD. You have time to digest the material. Let it sink in. Then do the practice problems like you’re supposed to. The work you put in now will pay off later. Get a solid understanding of the material. Take good notes so later you can worry about memorizing every note you ever took.

Worry About Your Own Progress

Don’t let the folks you see in class or status updates on Facebook throw you off. Everyone is lying. Talking to a JD about bar prep is like talking to a college guy about sex: all lying, all the time. Just like in law school, your peers are lying about how much time they spend studying. They’re lying about scores on practice exams. And they’re lying about how far along they are on that godforsaken BarBri progress bar.^2.

Relax

Remember to relax. Especially during July 4th. It will be the last time for a while. If that means some hot yoga or prowling the local college bar, go for it. Spend some time reading about the future you have as a lawyer. Take in a movie once in a while. Whatever you have to do to get the bar exam off your mind, go for it.

While you can.

1. You listened to the professor when he said that if you do drugs now, bar prep isn’t the time to stop. Right?
2. Seriously. Is the sole purpose of that bar to make people go crazy a little bit at a time?

The Bar Exam: It’s Not Time to Freak Out (Yet) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

LegalZoom has won the praise of advocates for affordable legal counsel.  In a bold move, LegalZoom has broadened its reach beyond those who have access to the internet to those who have access to five dollars in quarters. Legalzoom began offering legal documents to consumers on March 12, 2001, instantly giving anyone with internet access and a credit card the key to the secret cache of documents that every attorney gets after law school.

Speaking under a condition of anonymity, a source close to the legal community stated “it was only a matter of time before people figured out that all attorneys do is fill out form paperwork.  The public kept paying them because, due to a Da Vinci Code level of conspiracy, only bar admitted attorneys were allowed to access the documents.” Now those documents are available in any courthouse lobby, and this service will soon expand to even more locations throughout the community.

While attorneys may soon be bankrupt, their former clients are seeing the benefits already. “I’m usually pretty worried about wandering into court without anything in my hand,” says frequent frivolous lawsuit filer Alice Parker, “but it puts my mind at ease to know I have a legitimate legal document prepared by a real lawyer machine.”

An interview with court staff following Ms. Parker’s hearing won even more praise for the new attorney in town. “Usually, we have to hear [Ms. Parker] babble on for hours about her civil cases, but now she comes in here all the time handing up a Will, or a Certificate of Organization for an LLC thinking it’s a brief, and she rests on that.”  The Court staffer went on to comment on the great font that LegalZoom uses, and that he would definitely use the products if he had a case he didn’t care about or wanted to purposefully sabotage.

Some critics of LegalZoom have attacked the new vending machines as the unauthorized practice of law.  But LegalZoom’s spokesperson retorted that those critics are stupid and should mind their own God damn business. We tend to agree. Sure, the legal documents prepared by the Vending Machine Lawyer aren’t always perfect, or meant for that state. And it is true that you occasionally request a Complaint in Replevin and receive a Power of Attorney form. But that’s just the luck of the draw.  You might get the wrong document this time, but maybe next time you’ll be the lucky guy who gets two for the price of one because the corkscrew didn’t turn all the way for the last sale.  Even better yet, maybe you’ll get a Snickers.

(photo: inserting coin into vending machine from Shutterstock)

LegalZoom to Unveil Lawyer Vending Machines at Courthouses Across America is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Chad Johnson Proves once again that touchdown celebrations were just the beginning of his legacy for antics on and off of the football field.  According to Sporting News, the former NFL Wide Receiver was set to settle a plea deal last Monday when things took an unfortunate turn.  While the judge was discussing the deal the Judge asked Johnson about his satisfaction with his attorney, he patted attorney Allen Swickle on the butt to show his approval.  This action earned the controversial NFL player the laughter of the courtroom and a thirty day jail sentence as a performance bonus. Luckily for him, this week the judge let Johnson out of jail after hearing his heartfelt apology.

The debacle started just as it seemed that Johnson was going to escape jail time for the domestic abuse charges brought against him by his ex-wife, the Judge Changed her mind. Judge McHugh scolded him for making light of the situation and degrading the courtroom.  In order to protect the courtroom from becoming little more than a locker-room, she put Johnson in jail for 30 days. Well, part of thirty days.

The interesting thing is that they judge was okay with letting this guy skate on the charges of head-butting his wife. What really irked the court was his demeanor in the court room.  As a football player, thousands of people tuned in to watch Johnson.  He was talented, but most of his fame was gained through the speculation around his next touchdown dance.

His increasingly intricate and flamboyant touchdown dances garnered significant public attention outside of the NFL.  His charismatic personality led to several TV appearances among other cameos. He even tried his hand at other sports including horse racing (not as the jockey).  It can be argued that these antics distracted both him and the public from his inability to carry teams to greatness.

So this latest news may not be as surprising as it seems.  Maybe this is part of his genius.  Rather than focus on  the details of his sentence for domestic abuse, Johnson has again shifted the attention to his playful personality and whimsical attitude. Now let’s see what kind of celebration his release from jail will receive!

Image: Chad Johnson at the 12th Annual Young Hollywood Awards, Wilshire Ebell Theater, Los Angeles, CA. 05-13-10 

Johnson Gets Reprieve From 30 Day Sentence for Excessive Celebration is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

1. Being a public defender is not as noble as you thought.

So, you are going to be a public defender, eh? You are going to help the down and out? Your clients will come to your office, you will serve them coffee and you will rationally and logically explain to them their legal options. They will decide which path they want to take and you will represent them. They will shake your hand and thank you for helping them. LOL, you silly.

First off, your client will almost certainly never ever tell you the truth. So, this idea that they will communicate important facts to you is just pure fantasy. Secondly, your client is on drugs. So, instead of having a rational and calm discussion about the case, your client will scream and threaten you and then ask you for a hug. All in the same day. And of course when they threaten you and call you various colorful names, you can’t say “fuck you” and never talk to them again like you would with almost any other human being in the world. Instead, you will have to go home and work on their case, so you can represent them to the best of your abilities. Then you will come to work the next day and start the cycle of hugs and threats all over again.

2. Suits do not actually look cool – On  you.

If you don’t currently wear one every day you are thinking, “Nuh uh, suits make everyone look boss.”  You know who looks good in suits? movie stars, because they look good in everything. Also, they are wearing thousand dollar suits. You are wearing the cheapest possible suit that still looks presentable and mostly fits. And your suit isn’t fresh from the cleaner, it was bunched up in the back seat of your car where you threw it on your way to court. And it has a coffee stain on the sleeve–at least, you hope that’s coffee. So, at the end of the day, you look a hell of a lot more like Beetlejuice than Don Draper.

3. Debt does not just suck, it really sucks.

“Don’t worry about it” they said. “It’s like just having one extra bill a month.” “Law school pays for itsself.” Sound familiar? Yeah, because everyone who went to college in the 1970s assumed that college was basically the exact same kind of deal 40 years later.

Well, it turns out, they were wrong. Law school tuition cost has risen between 2.5 and 5.3 times the inflation rate. So, next time some retired and rich lawyer says “It’s totally worth it. Even if you don’t go into law, having a degree is very valuable,” you should probably punch them in the face.

4. Lots of people are capable of being a lawyer.

Yeah, it seems special. Everyone is all like “doctors and lawyers” like those are equally impressive professions. But, the truth is, they aren’t. It takes a lot of schooling to be a doctor. A JD is really a two and a half year program. And being a lawyer really isn’t all that difficult either. It’s tedious and it takes a lot of patience to read 3,249,438,743 pages of discovery, but it isn’t particularly difficult. You know what’s difficult? Brain surgery.

5. Being right doesn’t mean you win.

So, you get a new case. The police just walked into your client’s house, for no reason. They had no right to be there. There was no probable cause. You tell your client, “I think we can win this thing.” The problem though? After the police trampled right over the Fourth Amendment on their way into your client’s home, they found your client was committing half of the possible crimes a person in your state can commit. Sure, you are right on the law. But no one wants your client out of jail, so you lose.

Or, say you found some interesting and complex legal issue that means you win. It means millions of dollars for your client. You spent days writing a brief for the court which clearly explains the law and convincingly distinguishes unhelpful cases. Opposing counsel just glossed over your arguments, because there’s no legal defense to your arguments. You are right. But, you don’t get to make the decisions. The judge does. And the judge read your brief and opposing counsel’s brief yesterday in between rounds of golf. And frankly, he doesn’t know anything about securities law anyway. So again, you lose.

5 Reasons Why Being a Lawyer is Really Not as Cool as I Thought is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this comic, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editor’s pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the comic with the winning caption on Facebook.

Caption This! (June 13, 2013) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Read on to see the winner of this week’s Caption This! by Facebook fan Shannon Nelmes.

This week’s winning caption comes from Shannon Nelmes, and is unfortunately accurate.

Caption This! Winner (6/12/2013) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

According to CNN, Ezekiel Gilbert brought a gun with him when he hired a prostitute on Christmas Eve 2009. The transaction soured and the woman refused to return the money or have sex with him. He shot her in the neck and she died months later of her wounds. There is no question regarding the events of that evening. Gilbert admitted to his actions. His defense? Not that it was self-defense, nor protection of others. He relied on an archaic Texas law that allows for the use of deadly force if someone attempts to steal from you at night.

This isn’t a case where someone was standing their ground when attacked. Gilbert’s life wasn’t in danger. His $150.00 might have walked away, but isn’t that what police are for? We are assuming he was too ashamed that he had solicited a prostitute, so he figured he’d attempt some Wild West justice.

The real question is, how is it that the Texecution state turns a blind eye to an admitted murder simply because he happened to shoot this woman at night?

This is a state that has executed nearly 500 people since 1982. Some of those people may even have been innocent of the murders that they were executed for. A state that only a few days prior had sentenced a man to “50 years in prison for stealing a rack of ribs.”

Gilbert claims he didn’t intend to kill the woman. Maybe he didn’t. But he purposefully put a bullet in her neck. Now he’s a free man in a state where apparently a murder at night is forgivable, as long as she stole your lunch money. Where the difference between protecting life and property is indistinguishable. Where the sanctity of life has the legal equivalence to the sanctity of the wallet.

(photo: Justitia isolated on a white background, Frankfurt, Germany via Shutterstock)

Man Who Admitted to Shooting Prostitute Found Not Guilty By Reason of Texas is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Another woman missed her court date this week.  According to Action News 41 in Independence, MO Carrie Waldo did not show up to her court appointment for child endangerment charges last Monday.  This is not news in and of itself. Many bad mothers and fathers miss such dates.  It is part of what makes them such bad parents. Although there is speculation, it has not been confirmed that she is related to the world famous striped shirt wearing children’s book character.  So why does anyone care that this lady didn’t show up?

This is really a lesson in parenting from which we can all learn.  In January 2013 Ryan and Carrie Waldo were brought up on Child Endangerment charges after, according to their claim, awaking in the middle of the night to their 4-month-old baby boy being eaten by a ferret.  The couple, previously unaware that ferrets and babies don’t mix, found their furry pet attacking the infant boy.

Now this wasn’t just playtime gone wrong.  The report states, “The ferret chewed off most of the baby’s fingers.”  For those keeping score at home, that is more than five.  I am no expert on ferrets, but it doesn’t take a genius, or even a good parent to realize that an aggressive animal is not an acceptable replacement for a teddy bear. Don’t worry though, after the damage was done Ryan Waldo, the father killed the animal.

The report dispels any potential thought that this was just an accident, or something that couldn’t have been expected.  The ferret had already bitten the 4 month old child twice before. Also, contrary to the reports of the parents, they weren’t actually home. Apparently, the ferret must have been babysitting.

As you may know from my previous post, I am not very experienced in the parenting department, but this seems pretty simple.  Don’t leave your 4 month old child alone for long periods of time.  If this first piece of advice is too much to handle just remember that a dangerous animal is not an acceptable replacement for a babysitter.  Oh and whatever you do, please make it to your court date… that is just tacky.

(photo: Ferret stands on its hind legs on a white background via Shutterstock)

Where’s Waldo? (When Ferrets Go Wild) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

So you have decided to live the dream and hang your own shingle. You and some of your best colleagues are opening your own firm. Even though you trust these people enough to open a practice with them, one big issue stands between you and the launch of a successful law firm: picking the order of the partners’ names.

You could take the coward’s way out and go alphabetical, or subject yourself to hours of arguing over what “sounds best” (hint: everyone thinks the one with their name first sounds best). Or you could use any one of these awesome heuristics:

1. First Blood Water Gun Battle
If you’ve never shed blood in a water gun shootout, you’re not playing hard enough. Get the partners together in a combat-friendly arena, arm everyone with a high-capacity water propulsion weapon, and fight. First lawyer who makes another partner bleed through brutal H20 combat gets naming rights.

2. Pogs
Write the partners’ names on ten pogs each. Each partner takes turns throwing a slammer onto the full stack. The partner whose name lands face-up the most wins naming rights. The partner whose name lands face-up the least gets the consolation prize of keeping all the pogs.

3. Develop a Name-Ordering Artificial Intelligence
The only way to farm out the “what sounds best” argument is to use a neutral third-party. It might sound like a lot of coding work, but keep in mind that licensing out Name-bot 3000 may end up making more money than your lousy DUI-defense firm ever does.

4. Order by degree of Jewishness
In case it is not obvious: choosing whether you go most-to-least Jewish or least-to-most Jewish should depend on the demographics of your firm’s client market.

5. Legal Pentathlon
Five events, one champion:

• Ambulance Chasing
• Off-the-cuff Case Citing
• Day Drinking
• Billable Hour Padding
• Closing Statements

May the odds be ever in your favor.

(photo: professional young man holding business card via Shutterstock)

How to Name a Law Firm is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

You have gone through years of school. You have built a career from nothing. You have worked hard to become a professional.  Your clientele probably has not. Especially for solo or small firm practitioners, clients can run the gamut from normal to certifiably insane.  Normally you would try to weed out the real creeps, but maybe it has been a bad month so you take on a questionable client.  Who knows? Maybe he really is an undercover CIA agent working towards a better tomorrow for you and your children.  Maybe there really is a conspiracy to keep him bogged down in the judicial process so he can’t accomplish the mission the President has assigned to him. 

There is one certainty, you better watch your step because one of two things are happening: (1) you are representing Jason Bourne and you are one walk through the train station away from getting snipered in the face; or (2) you are dealing with a crazy person. Luckily, the procedures on your end are the same.

How to Protect Yourself.

Never doubt him.

Either he’s a CIA agent or he’s not. Either way, you don’t want him to think you don’t believe him.  Either he’s going to think you are part of the made up conspiracy, or you are going to have a predator drone following you around town until some video gamer turned special agent lands a missile on your car. 

What’s the harm in playing along anyway? Not only is it fun, but it’s a great way to cut a client call short with the old “this isn’t a secure line, I will reestablish communications when I feel it is safe,” line.

Play away games.

There’s no reason for this guy to know where your office is when you can take advantage of your local bar association’s offer to use their conference room.  Why give him the chance to leave you symbolic “I’m going to off you” gifts on your desk.  Not only do these presents take up precious space, but worrying about getting stabbed is a real productivity killer.

Be crazier than him.

My high school guidance counselor once gave me this advice, “whenever you feel like you are about to get in a fight, just act crazier than the other guy and they will always back down.”  So your client is mad at you and left a horse head in your office. Instead of just cleaning it up and going about your business being nervous all day, take some action to get this guy off your back.  Show him you’re even crazier by filling his house with balloons, or maybe next time he stops in your office it is wall-to-wall creepy clown paintings. Not only are you safe, but your employees will love the change of pace.

Be safe out there!

[photo: "Very scary crazy old man or senior psycho making face and threatening with an ax"]

What to Expect When You Are Expecting… Your Client to Kill You is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Police officers are on the hunt for a thief who broke into several vehicles in an Oregon neighborhood. According to Fox 12 Oregon, one of the vehicles contained about $500.00 worth of sex toys. The owner of the sex toys (who is actually looking alright in Fox 12′s report) told the news outlet that she was embarrassed to tell police about the incident. Although she seemed okay with giving a video taped interview about it.

One can only imagine how the culprit managed to carry $500.00 worth of sex toys right out from under this woman. We assume it took multiple loads to get it all done.

But the theft isn’t the real story here. The fun comes in when police show up to interview this young woman who is a Pittsburgh 8, New York 7, and Law school 45. She told the Fox 12 that the officer “asked her to describe everything, in detail. . . .” The video cuts from the victim at that point. But we could imagine that this police officer got a thorough explanation of exactly how all of these items are used… you know, just in case it’s relevant.

What the news described as a “cache” in her trunk was being assembled for an upcoming bachelorette party. The article went on to quote the bride-to-be: “It broke my heart, [my friend] worked so hard for so long on all this, and she’s done a really good job, and it’s just sad to see someone come and take all that away like that. I don’t even know what they could use it for.”

It will be really interesting when someone explains to this girl exactly what that stuff is used for. But if she really is that naive, her husband shouldn’t fret. The great thing about marrying a chaste woman is you can do the weird stuff and tell her it’s totally normal.

(photo: Ball-gag and whip, isolated on white background. Close up. from Shutterstock)

‘Cache’ of Sex Toys Stolen is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Reuters UK reports that five Italian businessmen staged a protest outside the Italian parliament yesterday, arguing for the abolition of tax debt collection agency Equitalia. You may ask yourself, why is one of the biggest news agencies in the world covering a few Italian dudes’ hissyfit over paying back taxes? Well, the answer is the same one you’ll get to “why are Mommy and Daddy having another baby?”:  Because they did it without pants on.

The protesters, members of business lobby Cobas Imprese, claim to have lost dozens of their colleagues in Italian business to suicides prompted by Equitalia’s harsh policies and tactics for collecting back taxes and associated fines. The picketers held signs with messages translating to “you are destroying thousands of jobs” and “Equitalia = Killing Machine.” Sadly, none of them held signs reading “è giorno di bucato” (“it’s laundry day”) or “i miei testicoli puzzano. Io li sto aerazione fuori” (“my balls stink, I’m airing them out.”) or “sapete che vi piaccia” (“you know you like it”), or offering any other reason why they all forgot/opted not to wear pants.

This pants-free picketing  is not the first radical action against Equitalia, an agency whose specter has loomed larger as Italy has suffered from the global recession. In 2011, an Equitalia director was wounded by a letter bomb. A series of anarchist firebomb attacks targeted at the agency followed in 2012. The members of Cobas Imprese clearly felt the only way they could escalate after these violent protests would be dropping trou. The sight of pale thighs apparently trumps the threat of murder and mayhem in Italian culture.

But it would seem the protesters have reserved their “nuclear option” for later deployment: they kept their underwear on this time. If their demands are not met, we must prepare ourselves to be exposed to unfettered European man bush and uncircumsized Italian ween.

[photo: "Man with his pants down isolated on white background"]

Italian Men in Pantless Protest: That’ll Show ‘Em is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this comic, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editor’s pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the comic with the winning caption on Facebook.

Caption This! (June 6, 2013) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Congratulations to this week’s Caption This! winner, Gwendolyn Simpson. Gwendolyn submitted the winning post on our Facebook page. Check back tomorrow to see the new Caption This! contest.

This week’s winning caption comes from Facebook fan Gwendolyn Simpson

Caption This! Winner (5/30/2013) is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Apparently, police officers tased a man yesterday just for trying to propose to his maybe his girlfriend . . . My theories are 1) he was really really high on drugs, 2) this is her way of breaking up with him, 3) the gays really have ruined marriage. Lets look for clues to find the answer!

Clue number one: Someone called 911 saying “He’s up and down, taking his pants off, his clothes off.” I can only assume this means he was erratically humping her while he was taking his clothes off. So that’s one point for the she’s his girlfriend and totally lying about it camp. Post coitus marriage proposals are definitely on the rise. (And they also don’t count unless confirmed no sooner than 120 minutes after sex).

Clue number two: She told the police she has never met him before. That one could go for either the it was drugs or the it was the  gays camp.  Lets give each one half a point!

Clue number three: He spit on the police officers. Unless he spit with not his mouth (youknowwhati’msaying), this has nothing to do with the gays. Half a point for it was the drugs and half a point for lying girlfriend.

And the winner is . . . lying girlfriend! I knew it! Man, that is cold. Calling the cops on your man after a post coitus marriage proposal!

Anyway, now that the fun is over, lets take a look at his likely charges. I’m assuming that one of them is indecent exposure and/or some sort of sexual harassment charge, so I hope he likes sex offender registries. And he lives in Florida, so that probably means that he’s going to have to live under a bridge or in a sex offender colony. Enjoy being homeless guy! On the plus side, he spit on a cop, so he’s not likely to be released for a long time. Maybe they will have improved the amenities at the sex offender bridge by the time he gets out of custody. Or better yet, he can be one of the first sex offenders to give our hamster ball idea a try.

(photo: Picture a man holding a red rose behind his back. Isolated on white background from Shutterstock)

Love Struck Man Lands Himself in Custody is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Society has been struggling with finding a way to protect itself from known sex offenders. Laws have been inacted nation-wide requiring registration of sex offenders and notification to residents when one moves into the neighborhood. But some studies have shown that these laws are not effective. Further, the harsh sanctions leveled upon sex offenders who make even the slightest error or omission in registering almost makes you pitty the poor souls…almost. Luckily, we aren’t all slap stick here at Bitter Lawyer. We also contribute to society. And we have come up with a solution to this problem.

After watching a rerun of American Gladiators, we came up with a new proposal for dealing with sex offenders: let’s put them in hamster balls.

We can’t afford to keep sex offenders locked up forever, but we need to keep our children safe. We make them register their addresses, but this isn’t effective at preventing recidivism. They are still among us. As one public safety advocate put it, “hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands ‘cause they rapin’ e’rybody out here.”

Many are calling the idea “pure genius.” Now we can rest assured that a registered sex offender can’t bother us because he’s separated from the world by a quarter inch of transparent plastic. We have reached out to the community most impacted by sex offenders: schools. “We could even set up barriers at schools that would prevent the hamster balls from going through,” said one local school administrator who was thrilled by the idea.

Even the sex offenders could get on board with this. They could become a part of the community again. People won’t be as worried about having them around when they know there’s no way that their kids will be in danger.

It could really work out for everyone.  Picture a playground with your children enjoying the equipment without fear of abduction. You look off into the distance and see a few hamster balls continually running into the sex offender barrier and bouncing off.  Just past them the sun sets below the horizon, preparing to rise the next day over a new and safer community.

We Solve the Sex Offender Problem is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

According to KGW Portland, the Oregon Supreme Court reversed a DUI conviction against James Newman stating that the trial court had erroneously barred Mr. Newman from presenting evidence that he was “sleep driving.”

Mr. Newman has history of sleep walking, and he wanted to present evidence that he unconsciously drove his vehicle on the evening in question. This creates an interesting defense for a crime that does not require a culpable mental state.

The actual opinion points out that one has to engage in some sort of voluntary action in order to be held criminally liable for a crime. Which is totally actus reus right?! But the opinion never mentions those words, so I guess law school really was pointless.

Anyway, the opinion brings up some an interesting questions. Can you be so drunk that you aren’t capable of making voluntary acts? I’m going to say yes since that can explain away at least half of my most embarrassing moments . . . and a third of law school . . .

In response to the  opinion, Bruce McCain, whose opinion is important I guess because . . . he . . . is an attorney? , says “Every criminal defense lawyer must be salivating over this as a potential defense.” Yeah, Bruce 1) we are all feral dogs, so you totally got the salivating part right and 2) it’s going to be super easy to prove to a jury that a client was actually asleep while he or she was driving their god damn car around.

Kathy Stromvig, an anti-DUI advocate, said the ruling “puts us back to the early 80′s.” While it is understandable that she would be upset since she’s not an attorney and she did lose her brother to drunk driving, the statement seems just a tad fatalistic. First of all, someone needs to explain to the general population about the difference between being able to claim something and being able to prove something. She must have a lot of faith in us salivating and slightly rabid defense attorneys, because she seems to think everyone is going to totally win with defense. Second, the eighties were awesome so she’s definitely not going to get support for her cause with that kind of threat.

Who wouldn’t want to go back and see the Goonies for the first time again, or to experience Denzel Washington going on his first of what would be a long career of rampages.

Bruce McCain chimes in at the end of this article.* I assume because he correctly felt that threats of returning to the 80′s just aren’t scary enough.  He questioned “where does it stop . . . sleep rape, sleep robbery, sleep murder.” For one thing, sleep walking would be considered a defense to these crimes in some jurisdictions. I mean really, Bruce, are you saying that you should be able to prosecute people for crimes that happened when they were sleeping?! For another, the slippery slope argument is a logical fallacy. But I’m sure criminal law isn’t his really calling. Which totally makes him the best person to interview for this article.*

* Side Note: Who wrote this thing (article seems like too generous of a term)? Did you actually just say “It makes Kathy Stromving’s blood boil”? In a news article? Really?

(photo: Full length portrait of a young man in pajamas sleepwalking on a rope isolated on white background)

DUI Conviction Reversed to Allow Napping Defense is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Wedding season has arrived. For some, this will mean beginning a life with the person they love. For others it will be a time to celebrate the love their friends have found. But for me, and many others who inadvertently sacrificed one of life’s treasures for a law degree, this is a time of somber reflection. Sure, we look just as happy as everyone else during the electric slide, but behind that marinara stain on my shirt is a heart that’s breaking. I’ve finally come to the realization that 3 years of law school and $150,000.00 of student loan debt have made me unlovable. But I have a plan

I can’t help but think that weddings are the world’s cruel reminder of what law school made me.  I worry about what people might think about my lack of a plus one or whether they will buy my rehearsed explanation of “how things have been going” that makes my life sound so much more exciting than it truly is.

But the thing that really worries me the most isn’t the awkward conversations, or even the fact that I might die alone. It’s that I may go my entire life without someone buying me a Kitchen Aid K45SS Classic 250-Watt 4-1/2-Quart Stand Mixer (Color TBD).

If it weren’t for the three years that I spent in law school, I could be the one standing up there having some woman smash cake in my face, all the while thinking about the outrageous number of presents I will be opening the next day.

But this year, I’ve come up with a solution.  I am going to have my “wedding day” after all. I just won’t be getting married. I plan to invite all of my loved ones to a special ceremony at which I will declare to the world my intention to be single forever. Sure my first dance will be a bit awkward, and people might be a bit confused as to why I am lighting a unity candle by myself. But really, don’t most people show up to weddings for the free drinks and buffet?

Once I get my parents on board with flipping for my non-wedding ceremony, I’ll be sure the reception will make any other wedding reception look like a ten-year-old kid’s birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.  Shit will get weird. But, most importantly, I will get the gifts married folks have been taking advantage of for years.

And what if I end up getting married after all? Well, most marriages end in divorce and people don’t get their gifts back… So don’t judge me for double dipping.

(photo: beautiful-caucasian-couple-just-married)

I Might be Unlovable, But I Still Deserve Fine China is a post from Bitter Lawyer. The original content in this feed is © 2013 Lawyerist Media, LLC. This feed is provided for private use only and may not be re-published.

Your high school social studies teacher was right, current events can be fun! Take a look at a few of these real news stories from the past month.

5 Being a public official can be a frightening prospect. Especially being a prosecutor on a sex case in Italy, where the population thinks the only legitimate sex crime is not having enough. (Guilty as charged). Berlusconi Prosecutor Survives Being Attacked With World’s Slowest Bullets.

4 Chasing down criminals may seem glamorous in the movies, but we have all watched Cops. If that show has taught us anything, it is that the reality of a foot chase is normally an over-fed police officer coughing up a lung trying to chase down a 90 pound meth addict. (Also that if you drive with out a shirt on, you’re going to be pulled over, and you’re going to be on television). Luckily, sometimes the criminals make it easy. Man Flees from Police: Runs Into Police Station!

3 You can have my Pop-tart when you pry it from my cold dead hands. Well, now that we can take Charlton Heston’s guns, we have to worry about the new threat to a safe society… Gun shaped things. Gun Threats: The Untold Story of Legos and Pop-tarts.

2 Zoning board meetings are usually pretty exciting affairs. Especially where there is a hotly contested zoning issue regarding local strip clubs. It is refreshing to know that even in this time of alleged voter apathy, when the really important issues come up, citizens are ready to put on their thigh-high boots and get to work. Strippers Take the Gloves Off at Zoning Board Meeting.

1 Who hasn’t had an embarrassing “butt dial?” But next time you hear that mysterious voice coming from your pocket, rest assured that it could be worse. After all, Scott Simon’s “but dial” may lead him to spend the rest of his life in prison, or death in prison… However you want to look at it. Murder Betrayed by His Own Ass!

(photo: Cowboy Hands with Rope via Shutterstock)