Bitter Lawyer

Caption This! February 3, 2012

Bitter Staff — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:27:51 +0000

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this image. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week.

Last Week’s Winner

Napper Tandy submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with:

Well, my owner kept nagging me to get a job and stop laying around the house all day, so I figured I’d go to law school and, uh, so I guess I’m an attorney now.

(This week’s photo source: atomicartbeans on Flickr)

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Caption This! February 3, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

I Work for a Pro-Life Law Firm

Ex-Bitter — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:30:29 +0000

QHi, Ex-Bitter. I’m a third-year associate at a mid-size Midwestern firm. I do mostly transactional work but occasionally pitch in on pro bono litigation, which I like. While the firm I work for was not my first choice, I’m thankful to have the job and generally enjoy the work, which these days involves more and more client interaction.

Here’s my problem. When I took the job I didn’t do what us lawyers call “due diligence.” I saw a job opening, the work fit what I wanted to do, and I applied. I’ve now learned in the last three years that the managing partners are very conservative and somewhat connected politically. Actually, it took me about the first few months to realize how conservative, though politics are not really an issue in the office. The other day, though, I was with three other attorneys and told them where I worked. One of the lawyers said “Oh, you work for the pro-life firm.” I said I hadn’t heard that before. Internally, though, I knew it was pretty true.

I’m not pro-life, far from it (I actually just contributed money to Planned Parenthood in the wake of this whole Susan G. Komen thing). But I’m offended that people in the community may think that I work for a “pro-life” law firm. I also imagine that the money the firm and partners make from my billed hours ends up supporting pro-life causes. What should I do? Did I make a deal with the devil?

AYes. Every new associate makes a deal with the devil. Think of it this way. There are thousands of new associates working for law firms that profit from the associates’ grunt work. Those profits go to the firm, then go to partners, which in turn goes to purchase new homes, expensive booze, gas guzzling high-end SUVs, diamond necklaces for mistresses, and trips to the Botox clinic. Are associates supporting a partner’s Botox habit gone horribly wrong? Are they supporting a partner’s penchant for sex with llamas?

And, oh, my God! Some of that profit goes to political causes!

Here’s what’s missing from your question to me: what did you say in response to your one pal saying “Oh, you work for the pro-life firm?” Did you blankly look away, shrug your shoulders, then mumble “Oh, I hadn’t heard that before?” (even though you had). Or did you get up, angrily denounce the other attorney and throw water in her face, saying something like “power to the people, you bitch!” Or did you do what you probably should have done: say something sensible and accurate, like, “yes, some of the partners in the firm support pro-life causes but we’re not a pro-life firm, far from it.” And then present your liberal credentials, if you’re not a fan of the whole brevity thing.

Believe me, the law firm probably knew you weren’t on their team when they hired you, politically speaking. And the fact that it doesn’t come up in the office is a good sign that you work for a decent place and that they like you and your work. That said, if your stomach turns at the thought of working for a firm that is the devil incarnate, I cannot help much with that. It’s your conscience, sister, but us lawyers are pretty good at bifurcating politics and emotion from the facts at hand. Think of it that way.

Have a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to us at editor@bitterlawyer.com. Although we do not reveal the writer’s identity, we’ll need a valid email address to verify that you actually exist (and to send a $25 gift ecard if we pick the letter as the best one in a particular month).

Post image from Shutterstock

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I Work for a Pro-Life Law Firm is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

CLE: The Malignant Tumor of the Legal Profession

Bitter Vault — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:11:36 +0000

CLEs are like a cyst that you don’t take care of. At first, it seems like nothing—a glorified zit—so you just ignore it for a few years and hope it will go away. But the more you ignore it, the bigger it gets. Eventually, it becomes a serious problem. Mine is now stage-four and can only be removed by showing up for a bunch of BS classes. That’s assuming I don’t want to risk being put on “inactive status.” And while “inactive” sounds pretty cool, I unfortunately think it’s something like when a cop shoots an old lady 44 times because he thought the can of tuna fish she was holding was a gun—also known as suspended without pay!!

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CLE: The Malignant Tumor of the Legal Profession is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Meet Dave Adler, UPenn Law Grad (and Comedian)

Bitter Staff — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:11:34 +0000

Watch the rest of the Bottom Rung, including character sketches of the dreamers, gunners, and lifers that make up document review.

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Meet Dave Adler, UPenn Law Grad (and Comedian) is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Farewell to BigLaw: Ten People I Forgot to Thank on the Way Out

Bill S. Preston, Esq. — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:11:55 +0000

On my last day as a BigLaw attorney, I sent a firm-wide farewell email. It read: “Today is my last day. It has been an honor to work with such an amazing and diverse group of people. Thank you to everyone who has made my time here so enjoyable. Please be in touch.

What I really meant was:

Today is my last day here. I’d like to specially thank the following people who have helped make my time here so memorable.

1To my partner mentor: Thank you for taking the time to invite me out to a welcome lunch on my first day of work. I look forward to the day that we can finally make that happen.

2To the head of my practice group: I appreciated the handful of times that you acknowledged me when we passed in the hall.

3To the assigning partner: Thank you for taking the time to sit with me and discuss the new and exciting matters that I would soon be working on after completing another large document production. I eagerly await those opportunities!

4To the senior associates: Thank you for letting me attend meetings with you and write down your each and every word. I always hoped my hand would some day begin to look like my arthritic grandmother’s. I now can see why it would have been distracting for me to take notes on a computer. Wait. No, I don’t.

5To the legal assistants: Thank you for making binders for me. I hope that putting documents in chronological order and dividing them into numbered tabs has helped you make a decision about whether you should still go to law school. Everyone appreciates that you will ignore the advice that you’ve received and go to law school anyway. I’m certain it will be a completely different experience for you.

6To the document review team: Thank you for taking the answer I provided to one question and extrapolating that into an arbitrary rule that you applied to everything else you ever did. You were really good at remembering that rule and responding to everything I said with, “but what about when you said . . . .”

7To the legal technology department: Thank you for telling me that my requests are not technologically possible. Even when it is to do something that I had literally seen you do before.

8To the cafeteria: Thank you for charging me a different amount for the same sandwich every day. I didn’t know it was possible, but you added a level of excitement to my turkey on wheat sandwich that I didn’t know could exist. I can see how you thought it looked like a yogurt.

9To my secretary: Thank you for offering to copy something after you saw me complete the task. Those generous offers encouraged me to ask you to do more for me in the future. Thanks also for responding to those requests with a death stare and an infuriatingly slow response time. Also, I’m not sure exactly how many vacation days you had, but I was always amazed it was enough to cover all fifty-two Fridays.

10To the associates who are taking over the cases that I was working on: I’m sorry.

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Farewell to BigLaw: Ten People I Forgot to Thank on the Way Out is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Law School Stockholm Syndrome

The Northwest 2L — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:11:30 +0000

A couple nights ago as I was leaving the law school (around 10 pm; it was an early night) I ran into a friend who was cleaning up after the Moot Court Honor Board’s contract competition and we killed a few minutes catching up on each others’ ~~lives~~ current courses. She gushed about how great her courses were, and I followed suit. Around the point where I was raving about my Estate Tax class, I paused and asked if she was often still in the building this late. And then she said it. “Well, yes, but it could be much worse, so I’m happy.”

Now, I’ve thought the same thing to myself hundreds of times, but hearing it from someone else tripped a switch. I realised something. There’s a term for being happy on the basis that things could be worse: Stockholm Syndrome. But that’s what happens in law school. Maybe it’s a second-career thing. I mean, it could just be my own fault for having had such a stressful life before.

For a good part of my life I logged a quarter-million miles on airplanes each year, lived out of my suitcase, and got far too familiar with the ins and outs of Marriott’s loyalty program. I once spent the night in Boston’s Logan airport and I’ve had to sprint to reserve the last available rental car and drive 150 miles to another airport when a flight got canceled. I’ve given presentations to C-level executives of Fortune 500 companies who didn’t want to hear what I was telling them, didn’t understand why scope creep is bad, and couldn’t see why specific requirements are necessary for software development. That was more than a little rough.

Law school is only slightly less “more than a little rough” but I’m convinced that I’ve never been happier. Law school isn’t trying to hurt me, it’s just that it’s backed into a corner and doesn’t really have a choice. And it’s trying to be nice when it can, I mean, it doesn’t have to have a shower for those times when I’m stuck here all night, but it does. Because it really does care about its students. Sure I had to spend 4 and a half hours digging out of my driveway in conditions that caused the governor to declare a state of emergency because it required me to be physically in the library to complete an assignment, but it didn’t mean for that to happen. Anyway, I could have avoided the whole problem by just staying at the law school when the snow started instead of heading home after my last class the day the assignment was given.

Besides, during finals the law school gives us free coffee. Nothing shows love and care like caffeine.

(Post image from Shutterstock)

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Law School Stockholm Syndrome is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Law School Performance Classes

Mr. Law School — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:11:11 +0000

Is it beneficial to amaze your professor on the first assignment in a trial skills or other law school performance class? Or is it better to make a mediocre first impression?

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Law School Performance Classes is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Lawyer Heaven

Albert Wang — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:11:08 +0000

Click on the comic for a larger view.

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Lawyer Heaven is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Six Buck Love, Plus Liars and Cheaters Among Us

Doug Stephan — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:11:23 +0000

Relationships can be difficult. Let me rephrase that. Relationships are difficult. Especially for those in the legal profession who are often working more than 60 hours each week with barely enough leftover time to fulfill individual vices, let alone attempt to woo a cutie with a booty. Even for those individuals who currently have a significant other, relationships can be difficult to manage. Are lilies her favorite flower? Milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Do I ask her to be in an open relationship or do I just cheat? From the courting stage to the first date to the “Facebook Official” to the (likely eventual) breakup, problems can arise. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

Six Buck Love

Take ~~Sideshow Bob~~ Misty Marie Kullman. Kullman’s suitor picked her up at her apartment and they drove around talking. Somewhat normal, except they were talking about Kullman taking part in the world’s oldest profession. Police ultimately arrested Kullman on a misdemeanor prostitution charge after responding to a suspicious vehicle call. While as an attorney I strongly advise against seeking prostitution to satisfy your longing, my main problem in this case comes from details of the police report. According to the report, Kullman’s suitor admitted that he paid $6 for the sex act. Wait. Six Dollars? Like less than the cost of a good burrito? “The man said he gave Kullman a $2 bill, three $1 bills and an assortment of change.” C’mon, Misty.

A two dollar bill? I haven’t seen a two-dollar bill since my 10-year-old birthday card from my grandma. I would hate to see what Kullman might do for a buffalo nickel or a wheat penny. Just getting freaky around toll booths. Remember the advice of Michael Scott: “Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?” While it is illegal no matter what, $6 is highway robbery. In fact, how about you go ahead and save your change for ladies night. Girls love nine-dollar beer night so there is a chance you will find a keeper and you won’t have a soliciting prostitution charge. Nobody wants their “how we met story” to involve “performing the sex act . . . outside a vehicle . . . in exchange for $6.” Nonetheless, Ms. Kullman, it’s about time you start doing some soul searching towards a new career. For six bucks you could just work at McDonalds. Either way you are asking for someone to clean out their ashtray full of coins to pay for your services.

Liars, Cheaters, and SEO

While meeting someone can be difficult, breaking can be harder to do. Just ask Matthew Couloute, Jr. According to the New York Post, Couloute, a Connecticut attorney, is suing two ex-girlfriends after they left an “unfortunate” warning about Couloute’s boyfriend skills. And everybody knows “girls only want boyfriends who have good skills.” Anonymous posters, took to the website liarscheatersrus.com to air their grievance. This has led to Couloute filing a claim for “tortuous interference with prospective business relations” against the two “ex-lovers,” Amanda Ryncarz and Stacey Blitsch. Some of the highlights include:

“Lied and cheated his entire way through his 40 years of life.”
“Uses people/his son/women to get what he wants then dumps you when he’s done with them.”
“Our relationship didn’t last long, as I figured him out pretty quickly, but for others, BE FOREWARNED, HE’S SCUM. RUN FAR AWAY.”

While I know some attorneys that might take that as free advertising, Couloute claims he has lost several clients due to the posting. Apparently, liarscheatersrus.com has fantastic SEO that makes its website the top posting in Google when you search for Matthew Couloute. In fact, he claims he was informed of the website by a prospective client. Ryncarz has confessed that she was the initial poster following getting drunk on Christmas. What ever happened to a good old-fashioned drunk dial? Far less of a paper trail to use in court.

P.S. Speaking of court, anyone want to guess who is representing Blitsch and Ryncarz? Yep, Gloria Allred. Ugh. She is Turrible.

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Six Buck Love, Plus Liars and Cheaters Among Us is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Caption This! January 27, 2012

Bitter Staff — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:11:37 +0000

What in the stock image is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this stock image. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week.

Last Week’s Winner

Rod Thompson submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with:

Of course he can show up drunk, he’s the boss’ kid!

(This week’s photo source: Shutterstock)

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Caption This! January 27, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Jessica Garvey as Bottom Rung’s Paige

Matt Ritter — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:11:06 +0000

With Paige, we wanted to avoid the typical, perfect unattainable girl. We wanted a girl with her own issues and problems. Honestly, how else would she end up down in document review? It’s not a world filled with lookers. So we came up with the backstory that she was in a band and she sort of had a phase were she dated and slept with a lot of drummers.

After a failed music career, she realized she had to stop dating losers. So she went to law school and got a “real job.” She tries to be content with this life—she’s not really a dreamer because she’s OK collecting checks and doing her own thing on the side.

On a deeper level there is a part of her that wants to chase a music career. During the series Dave tries to help prod her in that direction. She doesn’t really see Dave as the right guy for her because she doesn’t want someone irresponsible anymore. So that’s why she’s dating a “real attorney.” Even though her boyfriend is a bit of a d-bag associate, she’ll take that over a dreamer, at least at this point in her life. So, while it’s going be tough for Dave to break through with Paige, it won’t stop him from trying.

Jessica Garvey plays Paige. Jessica also produced the Bottom Rung, so her hands were full running around scouting set locations, helping with set design, makeup, wardrobe, revising scripts, budget issues. You name it, she was on it.

She’s used to multitasking though. She was recently in an Indie film called Sucker, which is a spoof of Twilight, as well in multiple national commercials and quite a few Funny or Die videos.

In addition to her acting success, she runs a website called The Hostess Handbook. It’s a go-to site for “girls on the go who have no dough.” Every day she gives tips on what to wear, what to eat, how to plan a party at your home, where the cool hotspots are. She has a book coming out next year and was just hired as the Style and Beauty Editor for spaphile.com.

Watch the rest of the Bottom Rung, including character sketches of the dreamers, gunners, and lifers that make up document review.

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Jessica Garvey as Bottom Rung’s Paige is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

I Want to Work at Wachtell or White and Case

Ex-Bitter — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:11:34 +0000

QI’m a 2L at a pretty good second-tier school in the New York area. I’m in the top half of my class and do very well in moot court and trial skills. I’m hoping my New York connections will help in finding a job at a big New York firm. What do you think are my chances of getting a job at a New York firm like Wachtell or White and Case? Honestly.

AHonestly? Zero. You are wasting your time thinking about it. It’s like you’re Dave, one of the cutters in Breaking Away, just waiting for the chance for the Italians to come to town so you can show them your stuff and then be admitted to the Tour de France. It won’t happen. The Italians either won’t come to town or, if they do, they’ll stick a bike pump in your wheel and you’ll crash.

Not familiar with Breaking Away? Don’t get the Italian angle? Let me see if I can break it down for you with an American sports analogy.

You are currently playing single A baseball for the Charleston RiverDogs, a Yankees farm team where you have been for the past four years, two of those out of high school, where you last batted above .300. You are a utility infielder who plays every other game or so. Your career average is now .218 but this past season you batted .220. For some reason, you believe batting .002 above your career average will catch the attention of the big league scouts. Trouble is, the Yankees don’t even know you exist, other than you are some statistic in an extensive farm system that includes better teams in Scranton and even the Dominican Republic. And whatever “New York connections” you’ve got likely won’t help. You just don’t got it, shortstop.

Don’t like these chances now? Honestly, it’s not a big deal and you’ll be worse off fretting about it and beating yourself up because you are not—for whatever reasons good or bad—Wachtell material. I say, who needs the snobs? Embrace your inner cutter. Duct tape your feet to the pedals, get your way through school and hone whatever skills you’ve got, and move on. Maybe you’ll win the Little 500 or date that foreign exchange student. Sure, it’s not the same as the Tour de France or the Yankees but, hell, it’s your direction.

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I Want to Work at Wachtell or White and Case is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

My Favorite Time of the Semester

Only an Adjunct — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:11:59 +0000

This is my favorite time of the semester. Despite the fact that it’s January and I teach at a law school, my class is filled with a certain something, an energy that could almost be mistaken for optimism. Maybe it’s the fact that, for the first time since taking a gig as an adjunct professor, I’m not teaching a bar course. Instead, I’m teaching a skills course, which is essentially the difference between being resented by your students or actually seeming relevant to them. Frankly, I don’t care, because soon enough they’ll turn on me.

It happens every semester, no matter the course. The congenial atmosphere in my class evolves into a coolness that, about a month before final exams, turns cold. Even the gunners stop actively participating in discussions. Attendance lags and I face passive-aggressive questions about whether or not the library has copies of my exams on reserve, or if I’ll hold a review session since we’re so far behind in the reading than what the syllabus says we’ll cover. Or if I’ll hold additional office hours since I’m not on campus that much.

I suspect the change will be especially severe this semester once students realize my professional contacts are of limited use in an economy that still stinks and in which law schools continue to rack up good press with claims of cooking the books on employment statistics.

I bet that’s what will lead to the suspicion, the undermining of my authority that will show up in anonymous course reviews as comments on my “availability.” I’m only adjunct, after all. I can already hear it.

How can she possibly teach us litigation skills when she’s not even practicing law anymore?!! I mean, really, if she was any good wouldn’t she be a REAL PROFESSOR. Or at least still a real litigator? What the hell is wrong with this place? This is why we can’t get jobs!

So I’m going to take this week and bask in all of its untarnished glory, in smiles and friendly conversation with my students. Soon enough, it will be February, and class will go cold.

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My Favorite Time of the Semester is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Padding Billable Hours: If I Did It

Bitter Vault — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:11:35 +0000

Question: What do you get when you mix an unscrupulous partner trying to bilk a deep-pocketed client out of every last dollar and an associate who has to make his billables so he can pay off his $15,000 credit card bill and put a down payment on a Manhattan apartment?

Answer: Billable hours that get more padding than an NFL lineman.

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Padding Billable Hours: If I Did It is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

One Hit Away from Getting Out of Doc Review

Bitter Staff — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:11:39 +0000

Meet Paige Brenner, Loyola law grad, solo artist. She blames a drummer for getting her into doc review.

Watch the rest of the Bottom Rung, including character sketches of the dreamers, gunners, and lifers that make up document review.

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One Hit Away from Getting Out of Doc Review is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Chronicles of a Government Lawyer: The Small Town

Martine Jean — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:11:38 +0000

I love working for the government. Nothing compares to the breadth of experience I got during my initial years as a government lawyer. Certainly nothing could have prepared me for my very first court appearance either. Some things can only be learned through experience.

I’d like to say “it was a dark and stormy night” but no, it was a very bright and crisp Monday morning. I anxiously awoke at the break of dawn and headed off to a small, unremarkable town in Southern Ohio (name withheld to protect the innocent). After a three hour life threatening slide through the snow, I drove past the town square, stopped at the town’s only traffic light, and proceeded to park at a 25 cent per hour meter in front of the town courthouse/police station—easily identifiable since it was the only two story building with a flag on top.

I strolled in past the sleeping security guard and was promptly greeted by a jovial old lady. Pearl was her name. And Pearl seemed quite perplexed to see me, an unfamiliar and unescorted Black woman.

Her: “Oh, hello dear. Are you lost?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I’m here for the hearing.”
Her: Pause. Then, “Are you the cleaning lady?”
Me: “No.” I mean I was wearing a cheap suit but cleaning lady? Come on!
Her: “Court reporter?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “Paralegal?”
Me: “You’re getting warmer.”
Her: “I’m all out of guesses.”
Me: “I’m the lawyer for the state.” BOOM!

You see, the salary may be meager but the title is huge. I walk into a courtroom as “the State,” the government, your mean Uncle Sam (Aunt Sammy in my case). Nothing scares people more than when they have to deal with the big bad state. And I saw it. Yes, I saw fear in her eyes. Or was that a cataract?

Anyway, she led me to my seat and told me that opposing counsel would be there shortly. He was busy having breakfast with the judge. You have to understand that everyone knows everyone in small towns, which is both quaint and a little creepy. So, while opposing counsel was literally breaking bread with the decision maker, I reviewed my notes and fidgeted with my pen. Pearl stared intently.

Finally, both the judge and my opponent appeared. I breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly, a crowd started trickling in. One by one, the entire town populace filled up the courtroom. When the “defendant” walked in he literally got a standing ovation. Loud applause, cheers, whistles, the whole nine. I’d lost the case before it started. I didn’t need to say anything, I’d already lost this case. In the government attorney biz, this is what’s called getting “homered.”

Between loud boos and jeers, I kept my comments to a minimum. In fact, every time I said something, opposing counsel would rise and scream, “Your honor, with all due respect, the state is full of crap.” Each time, he would be loudly applauded. Let me be fair and say that at least I learned that eloquence (and justice) is apparently more subjective than I suspected.

The judge decided in favor of my opponent from the bench. Again came the loud applause and standing ovation. I put my notes in my little briefcase and sashayed out to my car. Believe it or not, everyone was polite. Very polite. They just don’t take kindly to strangers, especially if the stranger happens to be “the State”.

As I drove back to my office, I played the hearing over and over again in my mind. I took solace in knowing that I did enough to preserve my issues for appeal. And, grinning ear to ear, I thought, “we all know the big bad state always wins on appeal.”

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Chronicles of a Government Lawyer: The Small Town is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Is This Law School or Junior High?

Not an Elle — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:11:57 +0000

Is this law school or junior high? I’ve asked myself that countless times since law school began. Perhaps it’s something about the relatively small school setting combined with the perpetual expectation and performance of higher, more critical thinking that has left many of us with the social behavior of 13-year-olds.

The average age of my 1L class was 25. After a year and half with my classmates, you could easily convince me we were half that. Nothing seems to be as efficient or effective in sapping a group’s collective maturity. The gossip, unnecessary drama, the “have you heards” and the “did you sees” poison the air like noxious gas. There’s no vaccine, no prevention, no cure, and no recovery.

It’s whispers in the library, murmurs in the hall, rapid fire gchats, tap-danced texts, almost always where the speaker or sender has limited legitimate knowledge, typically second hand at best.

Sometimes it’s harmless, sometimes it’s not, and either way the result is the same. Refutation is seen as denial; admission is seen as guilt, proof and veracity go disregarded.

Among its many side effects, law school has herded many of us into much more judgmental lemmings.

It’s as if we spend so much time wrapping our minds around the minutia of civil procedure and monuments of constitutional issues that when we let our minds wander, they sink like they’re resisting in quicksand. Then, instead of searching for and considering opposing arguments like we’ve been taught, we reject any evidence that fails to support our conclusions. Rational thinking and logical reasoning fall from our brains like last semester’s textbooks when rumor enters the area. It appears that, outside of the classroom/courtroom/library, our legal-minds-in-training lose their will to function.

There are some who succeed in staying out of the circus. They refuse to participate, keep their personal lives personal, and know that one can get away with anything if he never tells another.

There are some who revel in it, delighted, and some who retreat from it, disgusted. It’s pathetic at best, but there’s almost no stopping it. If each of us minded our own business, we’d be too busy to worry about yours—but then what would we do with our time? Study?

Post image/illustration from Shutterstock

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Is This Law School or Junior High? is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

10 Reasons Your New Year’s Resolution to Lose Weight is Failing

Law Firm 10 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:11:52 +0000

With each January day that passes, the hordes of people armed with New Year’s resolutions flocking to the gym begin to phase out, and you start to notice a sharp increase in overheard conversations involving women sharing various excuses about their inability to lose weight. I would like nothing more than to find a way to totally avoid being trapped in any of these stupid discussions in the coming weeks, so I thought I would offer the list below to preempt the need to have them in the first place. Here are ten reasons you haven’t achieved your weight loss goals for 2012:

1You’ve convinced yourself that wearing weirdly-shaped sneakers counts as meaningful exercise, and/or you’ve purchased a weight loss product endorsed by Snooki, a Kardashian, or an ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner.

2You firmly believe Lean Cuisines are health food.

3You think the inclusion of one healthy ingredient magically renders something calorie-free and therefore safe to consume in limitless quantities, e.g. milk chocolate covered almonds.

4You refuse to acknowledge the fact that there are calories in the oceans of cocktails and/or mimosas you consume throughout the week.

5You believe the fault lies with the thyroid for all your other failed efforts to lose weight.

6You subconsciously engage in the fantasy belief that time spent discussing dieting strategies qualifies as actually dieting.

7You hold firm to the notion that if you ate it while black-out drunk, it didn’t actually happen.

8You’ve blamed your failure to succeed on the lack of functionality of an iPad weight loss App.

9You treat the entire box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese as a single serving.

10You celebrate the loss of a pound by treating yourself to a gallon of Cookies ‘n Cream ice cream.

Post image from Shutterstock

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10 Reasons Your New Year’s Resolution to Lose Weight is Failing is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Law Dreams

Albert Wang — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:21:31 +0000

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Law Dreams is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Dramedy of Broken Dreams

The Art of Defense Lawyering

Doug Stephan — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:11:59 +0000

Are you looking for a new nickname? Do you like committing felonies? Do you punch guys you date in the testicles after they accuse you of stealing from them? If you were thinking about using “Bambam” as a nickname, too bad—it’s already taken. Savannah “Bambam” Rios is facing felony charges of kidnapping, robbery and sexual abuse stemming from a confrontation of a man she recently dated. The man accused Bambam of stealing some of his belongings. Bambam, in response, led the victim to a room, slapped him several times, pulled a knife and stated, “You wanna die?”

Then it gets weird.

From the Smoking Gun

Rios forced the man to remove his clothes; then took the man’s belt and hit the victim several times in the testicles with the belt. Yikes. To make matters worse, Rios then forced the victim to give her a DVD player, camera and phone. While robbing him of the electronics, Rios noticed a bank statement and took advantage of the victim to the tune of a $500 withdraw from an ATM. Oh, not to mention she also stabbed the man with the knife while in the car. Sounds like a keeper in my book.

In defense of Rios, part of me feels like this is what we in the business like to call assumption of risk. I am not condoning punching anyone in the balls (or stabbing them or robbing them) but if you date someone named “Bambam” there is a good chance you’ve assumed some risk, especially if she also has a neck tattoo. I have dated some crazy girls in my life, but if you show up with a neck tattoo and want me to call you Bambam, I will start emptying my pockets right there. No beltwork needed.

Punched and Strangled by Ghost

From northwestern.com

I am pretty sure there is no precedent for the defense of Michael F. West. West has been charged with battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting or obstructing an officer stemming from a domestic violence incident. According to police, West and his wife were arguing over financial issues when West strangled the woman twice. When his wife tried to call police, West began to repeatedly punch her in the face. West told police that the facial injuries were a result of falling down (a defense that never works). The excuse for the neck injuries? Wait for it: “A ghost did it.”

Best. Defense. Ever. If I am the defense attorney for West I am running with this. Sure it is difficult to prove a ghost actually put a sleeper hold on his wife, but it’s even more difficult to prove a ghost didn’t do it. It’s like the Tooth Fairy. She probably doesn’t exist, but can you actually prove beyond a reasonable doubt that someone with wings didn’t put that money under your pillow? Pretty much the same thing. Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and Domestic Violence Ghost Strangler. Have fun with this one, counsel.

P.S. Did a ghost shave that beard too? That thing is horrible. It looks like the facemask of a punter.

Post image from Shutterstock

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The Art of Defense Lawyering is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Do Not Friend Your Law School Professor on Facebook

Mr. Law School — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 13:11:50 +0000

It’s not a good idea to friend your law school professor on Facebook.

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Do Not Friend Your Law School Professor on Facebook is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Caption This! January 20, 2012

Bitter Staff — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:02:46 +0000

What in the stock image is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this stock image. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week.

Last Week’s Winner

Mean Partner submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with:

Our new associates also have one of the shortest commutes in the city.

(This week’s photo source: Shutterstock)

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Caption This! January 20, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

I’d Rather Be Flipping Burgers

Ex-Bitter — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:11:07 +0000

QI’m a mid-ranked grad from a T14 school who found a job with a small firm in 2008 before the profession started to tank. I stuck it out, missed the layoffs and was somewhat thankful I did. But, to be honest, I also would have been pretty relieved if the firm I worked for—a low-grade firm that basically pays me on what I bring in—had started to go under and asked me to move on.

Instead, things just got worse and I now hate practice. It’s skull-numbingly boring, economically stupid, and incredibly stressful. On top of that, I have to threaten to sue about 20 percent of my clients to make them pay, need to take on the absolute worst dog cases in order to eke out a living, and typically end up with a pissed off client who owes me money and blames me for making life so shitty—as if losing an absolute no-win custody dispute was the worst thing going for the client. I’d rather be flipping beef and serving up McFlurries from the drive-thru than doing this. We’d all be better off.

AFirst, you’re right. We’d all be better off. Second, I’m not quite sure what the question is, unless you’re just blowing off steam and thinking about me late at night after downing half a bottle of Black Velvet. Are you looking for a reason to quit? Quit. Who’s stopping you?

Honestly, if you hate practicing, get out. Make a clean cut. I don’t get the endless hand-wringing of new lawyers over decisions like this. Life sucks? Change it. Hate practicing? Don’t. It’s not as if you were born into a salt-harvesting family in Sudan—or even that your only option is assembling Big Macs. Unless you’re so highly leveraged with debt and a home and car you cannot afford, just do it. Move on. Hustle and see what happens. I’m not sure what other feel-good advice you want me to give, even if I had some.

Have a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to us at editor@bitterlawyer.com. Although we do not reveal the writer’s identity, we’ll need a valid email address to verify that you actually exist (and to send a gift card if we pick the letter as the best one in a particular month).

Photo/image from Shutterstock

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I’d Rather Be Flipping Burgers is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Why the Hell Are You Still a Lawyer?

Comedian Hailey Boyle as the Doc Review Grinch

Matt Ritter — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:11:04 +0000

Nicole Baxter is Bottom Rung’s Grinch, the character who wants nothing good to happen to anyone down in the dungeon of doc review. Because she has a chip on her shoulder about her lack of education compared to everyone else, she has turned her latest project into a little fiefdom. And she’ll be damned if anyone tries to contest her authority.

Of course, it is in Dave’s nature to do so, so they will be clashing throughout the season. Oddly, the only thing she actually wants is to bang little Eugene. Nicole softens up only a teeny bit later in the season, but for the most part her role is to snuff out the plans the dreamers have of escaping hell.

Comedian Hailey Boyle plays Nicole. Hailey is a great comic and happens to be one of the best people I know. She spends her weekends doling out food to homeless people through her church—something I would never even think to do. However, this kind side required us to shake her up a little for this role. We needed full on bitch mode. So we put her through the ringer to prepare for the role.

We sat outside a yogurt shop and made her yell her lines at us from 20 feet away while onlookers sat and ate their yogurts, puzzled at what the hell was going on. If she didn’t yell loud enough, we moved our chairs further and further back, until we were on the edge of a major street. It was absurd. But it worked. Even on set, if she slipped into “nice Hailey” mode, I made sure to say something mean to bring out the Nicole Baxter in her.

Watch the rest of the Bottom Rung, including character sketches of the dreamers, gunners, and lifers that make up document review.

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Comedian Hailey Boyle as the Doc Review Grinch is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Top Law-Related Floppy Disks in the Past Year

C. Hank Peters — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:41:58 +0000

At Big Legal Brain, we’re big fans of 3 1/4 inch floppy disks, the real workhorse of data storage. Our love of the floppy explains in part why we were saddened by Steve Jobs’s death late last year. To us, Jobs exuded floppy disk like no other.

Like recent purveyors of cassette tapes, however, we get razzed quite a bit by our more tech-inclined lawyer colleagues, especially those who switched to using Zip drives early on. But in the spirit of keeping the floppy disk trade active and growing, here are three top floppy disks we came across in the past year, each worth tracking down at the flea market or ordering through our affiliate link with iOmega.

Shpoonkle for Dummies Companion Disk

Collected Questions of Clarence Thomas

Complete Law Job Listings—2012 Edition

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