The fact that I no longer have a Facebook account means that I’m swimming against the tide when it comes to the popularity and pervasiveness of social networking. Clearly Facebook isn’t going anywhere, and all the signs seem to be pointing to an ongoing, steady increase in usage. So I thought it might be useful to provide a little guidance to the multitudes who still insist on parading each and every detail of their mundane lives on Facebook.

The following list contains things you must avoid posting on Facebook, both for your own sake and for the sake of humankind as a whole. Or, to put it another way, if you post any of the following things on Facebook, you’re a delusional, idiotic, desperate, attention-whore and completely lacking in self-awareness.

1. Mobile uploading pics of your new shoes, handbag, or the birthday present and/or flowers that your boyfriend sent you. Publicly showing off material things is so utterly ridiculous that it doesn’t even require further comment. Yes, this also applies to pictures of your engagement ring. And your new house.

2. Your entire wedding album. What’s the point? So the 283 Facebook “friends” that weren’t important enough to be invited to your wedding can see what they missed out on?

3. Sonogram images. For god’s sake—is nothing private and sacred anymore? Why are you publicly displaying the contents of your womb to hundreds of people? What is lacking in your life that you’re compelled to share such a thing?

4. Mobile uploading pics of the view from your window and/or of your hotel room when you’re on a vacation. See also No. 1, above.

5. Status updates pertaining to the bike ride, hike, or jog that you’re on. For the love of God, you’re outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine, ostensibly getting some exercise. Couldn’t you just put your phone away, detach yourself from Facebook, and actually be present and connected with the real, outside world for a few freaking minutes?

6. Complaining about how sore you are from a workout. What do you want, a medal? Are you exercising for your own health and well-being, or do you only do it so you can tell other people about it?

7. Mobile uploading pics of alcoholic beverages that you’re drinking. Come on—are you in high school? Do you seriously think you’re imparting anything of value about yourself with this crap?

8. Posting pictures of anything that actually belongs in a personal, family photo album. This includes, without limitation, pictures depicting your progressing pregnancy and/or post-delivery photos taken in a hospital delivery room. These used to be intimate, private moments, and absurd Facebook habits have now cheapened them to the point that 146 people can now click through your afterbirth shots while finishing their morning coffee in their cubicle at the office.

9. Congratulating another person in a status update. I don’t get the angle—couldn’t you just send a card or email directly to the person? Why do you need to put it on blast to an extra 372 people?

10. Constantly mobile uploading pics of your kid(s) throughout the day. At what point is your kid going to start to suspect that the only thing they’re good for is getting attention for Mommy and/or Daddy on the web?

Post image from Shutterstock.com

———————

How to Tell You’re an Unacceptable Attention-Whore Based on Your Facebook Habits is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Why I Deleted My Facebook Account
2. Facebook for Lawyers: The Friend Request
3. Six Facebook Groups to Know About

May is such a mixed bag for law students. First finals, packing, then graduation, then summer, all in a span of about 3 weeks. It’s a whirlwind of activity and emotion, and getting enough sleep is almost never an option. You’re studying for finals and taking breaks for anything, accepting all distractions. Probably packing for the summer when you feel like it—any non-study activity is allowed if it can be written off as productive in any way.

Law students are hearing 3Ls talk about graduation and the bar exam and getting a job while 1Ls and 2Ls talk about trying to get summer jobs, maybe taking summer classes. Then, faster than you leave the law school on a Friday afternoon, you’re right in the middle of a final. Finals always seem to sneak up on people, even though the whole semester is a steady march toward them. Then, as quickly as they snuck up, it’s suddenly all over, and you’re walking out of the exam room of your last final. The sweet relief of summer beckons—unless you’re taking summer classes.

No matter what, May is a time of reflection. A time of freaking out. A time of celebration. A time of asking “what next?” A time of looking back and laughing at previous versions of your law school self. Even after one semester your 1L year, you know things are different. You’re different.

If you’ve just finished 1L, you’re overcome with relief. Your first year of law school has finally ended. It was everything everyone told you it would be and yet somehow almost entirely unexpected. It was exciting and excruciating and memorable and monotonous and 1,000 other adjectives. The anxiety and stress of your second semester finals feel like they may have killed you. For most people, first semester grades weren’t what they had hoped for or expected, making second semester that much more critical. By the end of the second week of finals, you barely remember your name.

If you’ve just finished 2L, you’re more or less apathetic. It was just another semester of finals. They sucked just as much as ever, but by now you knew what to expect. You mocked your 1L self’s stress about finals while studying. Maybe you got a little nostalgic, thinking of how you’re going to miss your 3L friends. If you don’t have one lined up, you’re worried about finding an appropriate summer job. People ask how it feels to be done with 2L and you shrug—it’s one year closer to being over, but no one’s ever cheered or thrown a party for someone for being two-thirds done with something. You’re ready to move on and get this law school business over with.

If you’ve just finished 3L, you’re experiencing a weird combination of excitement and panic and asking yourself, “now what?” You’re finally completely done with law school, but being completely done with law school means you’ll now be released into the real world. And you’re wondering if your 2L-let’s-get-this-over-with attitude was such a good one. Being a student for the past 7 years had its advantages. The real world works every day—no escaping Friday classes anymore. No more breaks for no reason every Winter, Spring, and Summer. The thrill of graduation quickly lapsed into a weird “shouldn’t I be doing something?” feeling, and that transitioned into the stress of studying for the bar exam, then the bigger stress of actually taking it. And of course, then the agonizingly long wait for the results. Soon, you’ll be in the real world, licensed to practice or not: your perpetual student status has finally come to an end.

It’s a weird time, and a mix of emotions. So whether you’re celebrating surviving 1L, having 66.66 (repeating) percent of your law degree completed, or never starting another semester of law school, raise a glass. A toast to you.

Post image from Shutterstock.com

———————

May is a Mixed Bag is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. To Give Her Tequila Or Not To Give Her Tequila
2. Yep, This Semester Will Be Different, Better
3. Law School Spring Break

Once you’re out of law school, it may pull you back in.

Thanks to Bitter Lawyer for airing Mr. Law School. It has been a privilege to work with Greg and the rest of the Bitter Lawyer team — Sam E. Goldberg

———————

Law School Graduation is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. I’ve Been Nominated to Speak at Law School Graduation
2. Mr. Law School: Does Not Play Well With Court Staff
3. To Give Her Tequila Or Not To Give Her Tequila

———————

Illustrated Guide to Lawyer Words is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Lawyer’s Illustrated Guide to SOPA
2. Top 4 Obvious and Insipid Frat Boy Lawyer Words
3. Courtroom Yoga Moves, Illustrated

Think you are having a bad day? At least you aren’t Alex Boulet. Boulet is facing felony drug charges following a traffic stop. Following three X-rays, a laxative, and “a cup of coffee,” police were rewarded with “a record for narcotics recovered from a suspect’s rectum.” The final hull: 84 individually packaged crack rocks, 218 Oxycodone pills, and 11.5 grams of marijuana. Holy Shit. A drug dealer’s starter kit in a convenient carrying case. This guy has an asshole like a Mary Poppins bag.

Richard Creighton was apparently so drunk that he may not have been drunk at all. Wait. What? Creighton was arrested and charged with a DUI after he was pulled over and blew a .41 on the breathalyzer. With the state legal limit being .08, it would seem to be an easy case for the prosecutor. Not so fast, says Creighton’s attorney William Harvey III. The defense: at that level of intoxication, Creighton shouldn’t have been physically capable of driving. Thus, the machine couldn’t have been operating correctly. The old “my client is too drunk to be drunk” defense. Boom, lawyered. You can call us lawyers a lot of things but don’t say we aren’t the smartest heartless soulless godless money grubbing scumbags on the block.

Laurie Bailey-Cutkomp is likely getting fired . . . but dammit I respect her style. The Florida teacher reportedly would make some of her students wear a “Cone of Shame” for various offenses in the classroom. This cone isn’t like a dunce cap however, but the kind of cone dogs wear after surgery. Fantastic. Truly the ultimate punishment. Have you ever seen a dog when he has one of those things on? Pure misery and embarrassment. Unable to scratch an ear or lick your balls. Sure, most ninth-graders don’t want to lick their balls but its still great punishment. Ridiculing and shaming with a dash of pointing and laughing is the perfect mix of punishment and deterrent. I wish this would make it’s way into corporate America. The Cone of Shame is the new Urban Sombrero.

A Texas Elvis impersonator was arrested for assault after punching a man in the face following a dispute over the rules of the board game Taboo. We’re talking about Taboo? I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about Taboo, not Monopoly, not Life, not Clue, but we’re talking about Taboo. I’ve written about this before. I get how Monopoly can cause a fight. Bankruptcy. That’s how all Monopoly games end and how all monopoly fights start. But Taboo? Who knows the rules for Taboo? Maybe this guy deserves to get his nose broken and maybe he didn’t. Impossible for me to tell. Nonetheless, his cover of Jailhouse Rock just got that much more convincing.

Eddy Morales is the definition of snake it till you make it. After trying to skip out on a $500 strip club tab, Morales stated he has diplomatic immunity and millions in the bank and further stated that the White House would be calling police with a reprimand after he was arrested. First the Secret Service, now Eddy Morales. Just wait until Fox News gets a hold of this story. Placing lap dances and bottles of Dom on Obama’s tab.  Seriously, though, if telling strippers lies is a crime then EVERYBODY who goes to a strip club is going to be arrested. Most people just don’t continue these lies all the way to the police station. Oh, well. Haters gonna hate. Eddy Morales is gonna claim he is BFFs with Barack-a-flaka Flame to get a free lap dance. Diplomatic immunity swag for days.

Post image from Shutterstock.com

———————

The Mary Poppins Bag of News is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. $7.25 Worth of Strange But True Legal News

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this retro clip art, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the clip art with the text on Facebook.

Last Week’s Winner

Derek Ford submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with “I’ll take a number 6 with fries and a Coke. And bill it to the Murphy file.”

Thanks for all the submissions and keep them coming, here or on Facebook.

Vector-based clip art courtesy of Shutterstock.com

———————

Caption This! May 11, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Caption This! February 24, 2012
2. Caption This! February 17, 2012
3. Caption This! March 16, 2012

QI’m finishing up my second year at Harvard. Thing is, I’m at the likely dead bottom of my class. Rather than doing a lot of studying, I’d spend time at a Red Sox game or hang out reading at various coffee shops and other places (museums and such). Now I’m at the bottom and wondering if I should stick it out and see what happens or give up the quest and move on to something else. Advice?

AI call bullshit on this one, dude. You’re at the bottom of your class at Harvard? Dang. But to say it’s because you attended the Dustin Pedroia School of Law is a crock, an excuse and not a justification. It’s like you want to portray yourself as a budding genius who’s bored by the details and could excel if you just felt like it. BS. It’s obvious you either 1) don’t care; or 2) can’t cut it at Harvard. Or both, and you’re on the long downslide to doing nothing with your degree except responding to bill collectors.

If you actually do care—and I doubt you do—you can double down, work hard, and try to impress someone with a ninth-inning comeback. Or, as you sardonically put it, “see what happens.” But even with a Harvard degree it’s probably a longshot to find something meaningful for employment once you’re out. At least initially.

And if you don’t care, then you can either finish off your illusion of grandeur and genius by graduating at the very bottom, which, after all, someone has to do. But, to be honest, if you really don’t care then do us all a favor by dropping out now and becoming a hedge fund manager or something. You’d actually be in pretty good company.

Post image from Shutterstock.com

———————

I’m at the Bottom at Harvard is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. The Bottom Rung – Episode 2
2. The Bottom Rung – Episode 3
3. The Bottom Rung – Episode 4

Click to Enlarge

Alto Premo stands in the way of COBRA’s ultimate quest to make the federal health care code understandable and enforceable. With the ability to spew paper forms and federal requirements from his specialized Congressional formulator ray, Premo is a master of legal confusion and chaos. Beware.

Damage: Increases Clarity points by 3, but does 4+ damage to time if family health care coverage or preexisting conditions are involved
Weaknesses: Beer, holidays, young men, credit cards
Arch Enemy: Alto Premo

Follow us as we release more cards of legal superheroes, whether Paralex, Doctor Juris, or a slew of archvillains and sidekicks.

Superhero vector image courtesy of Shutterstock

———————

Superheroes of the Legal Profession: COBRA is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Superheroes of the Legal Profession: Executrix
2. Superheroes of the Legal Profession: Sequestor
3. Superheroes of the Legal Profession: Doctor Juris

Female big firm lawyers must withstand many tests of emotional constitution in order to earn enough respect to be accepted as one of the guys. Many are clueless and think that dressing like a man is the answer. Others have the gift of callousness and are able to set effective boundaries. Me?  I’m still perfecting my approach, but I may have just set myself back a couple hundred years.  Well, at least as far back as nursery school.

———————

When Big Firm Lawyers Cry is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. I Wonder How Important My Hairstyle Is in a Law Firm
2. Screening the BigLaw Un-Firm
3. Five Gifts Not to Give an Unemployed Lawyer for Christmas

As a lawyer, I hate all lawyers, and I really hate lawyer advertising. I have never seen an advertisement that made me want to hire that lawyer, but I have seen a lot of ads that made me NOT want to hire that lawyer. If lawyers actually conveyed the truth behind their ads, this is what they would actually say in these respective medias.

1Billboard. Look up here, I am a lawyer, and I am on a billboard! Look at how serious my face is in this picture, this is how serious I will take your case. This ad is really about my ego, and I want you to put a face to the ensuing incompetence if you hire me. Just so you know, the selective placement of this billboard above this gas station (in a bad neighborhood) is not an indication of the type of clients I am hoping to represent. Call “our offices” 24/7 (I only have one office, and the number is my cell phone)!

2Video Ad. Oh hey, here is a video ad of me sandwiched between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! I am a mildly-ferocious advocate despite the fact I am awkwardly reciting (reading off a cue card) my scripted pitch line as I talk with my hands in a blank stare. Now here is an action shot of me pretending to read law-books in my conference room/public library. Here is a shot of me walking the empty court room halls on a weekend; and here is a shot of me making a loud argument to a non-existent judge in an empty courtroom on that same weekend (I changed my tie for this shot!). To really show my “legal acumen”, here is a parting visual of me walking down the court house steps with my handsome cousin, Todd, (wearing the suit I lent him), who is pretending to be a very important and satisfied client. Call me, gang!

3Yellow Pages. Hi, poor people! I know most of you do not do not have TVs and/or access to the internet, and utilize the Yellow Pages. Ironically, my solo practice is also poor (as evidenced by this yellow pages ad), so call me, poor people, I can help you help me! And if you happen to come across a random yellow pages book, please open the page to my ad and leave it open so that other poor people may call me for help.

4Radio. Whuzzupp sports-radio listeners, I am quickly rattling off my name and qualifications that have little or no correlation to my ability to represent you. I only have fifteen seconds, so I am talking really fast so I have time to repeat my phone number 3 times at the end. Se habla Español, amigos!

5Facebook/Twitter. Hello, friend. I know it is hard for you to picture me as a competent professional, since you have seen me make an endless series of questionable life decisions, and maybe saw me pee my pants (on purpose) on Bourbon Street, but can you please refer your friends and family with legal problems to me? I promise to help them out the best I can. #malpractice.

Not that there is any better way to advertise as a lawyer, and I realize lawyer advertising (especially Yellow Pages) is actually effective, but lawyers need to re-think their ads and the messages they are conveying—i.e. resist the urge to be such a douche bag (or douche baguette) in their ads. Is there a more effective form of advertising I am forgetting (maybe Craigslist-Casual Encounters section)?

Post image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/drmillerlg/4699069522

———————

The Five Ways Lawyers Advertise is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Five Ways to Say Grace
2. Six Ways for Men NOT to Get Sex in Law School
3. 5 Ways to Approach the End of Law School

For you 1Ls out there, networking is still something that is only a vague worry. But to the 2Ls and 3Ls it’s one of the last straws in our grasp as we seek to find someone willing to provide us with gainful employment as a lawyer. Unfortunately, the only guidance people have often comes from the school’s career services office, the same sort of people whose idea of good advice for students is telling them not to eat at cocktail receptions. When I was in consulting, a lot of my job was networking, and I’ve put together a few tips for those of us who are still working hard to land that first job in the legal field.

1Use the Career Services Office. I’m no great fan of Career Services. In my experience they are more than a little bit Procrustean in their advice, offering up such outdated gems as, “no resume should be longer than one page” regardless of a second-career student having a decade of work history. That said, Career Services does have a use. As a proofreading service. The office is great as a second set of eyes to make sure you haven’t spent your resume talking about how your 2L internship allowed you to gain “valuable trail experience.” I’m not sure that I’d want to trust them with much more, but on this level they’re pretty reliable.

2Clinics Aren’t Just for Volunteer Hours. A lot of law schools have some sort of volunteer or public service requirement before a student may graduate, and clinics are a great way to satisfy that requirement. Clinics are also a great opportunity to network in a low-key way. You’re working with practicing attorneys in a field in which you’re (presumably) interested. This is a perfect chance to establish a reputation for being a solid performer who can reliably deliver quality work. Rather than treating clinic like a burden that doesn’t give you a grade, treat it like what it really is—one of your first real opportunities to begin establishing a professional reputation. Take the opportunity to develop strong working relationships with the people you meet through clinic and they’ll remember you. If you don’t take the opportunity, they may well remember you too, but not the way you’d like.

3Talk With Your Professors. You know that guy in your class who sat in the back, never spoke, and got an A? The professor isn’t going to remember him after the next term. The guy who managed a B+ but spent time talking with the professor after class about new developments in the field and took time to go over the exam to find out where he could improve his understanding (without ever mentioning the grade)? The professor is not only going to remember him, but is going to think that he’s engaged in the field and actively interested in what’s going on with the law. You don’t need to be squeaking by with a B+ to make this work, of course; the point is that you need to do more than just perform well in the class for a professor to remember you. If you take a genuine interest in the field, a professor can often be one of the most tenacious resources a job-seeker can have.

4CLEs Aren’t Just for Practicing Attorneys. Get hooked up with your local bar association and start showing up at CLEs in the field in which you want to practice. Not only will this do a lot to help you understand your field, it will expose you to practicing attorneys in a no-pressure setting. There’s no need to press for a job or even bring up that topic, but if you’re there and clearly interested in the topic they’ll remember you. The setting of a CLE also gives you a good discussion starter with people who are apt to enjoy helping a new person out. It never hurts to have a reputation as someone who’s engaged and actively keeping up with what’s going on.

5Older Lawyers Are the Best Contacts. For whatever reason, older lawyers seem to be the most eager to help a student build out his or her network. Whether it’s because older lawyers are less worried about job pressure from younger graduates or because older lawyers are more likely than middle-aged lawyers to have done their own job search through networking rather than Career Services, this is a phenomenon that a lot of my friends have experienced as well. Take advantage of this, since older lawyers are typically among the most well-established and knowledgeable in their fields. Yes, you have to be sharp and dedicated in your own right to make them see you as worth helping out, but it’s worth the effort.

6If All Else Fails, Play Golf. Some local bar associations sponsor regular golf events for students and attorneys, which can be a great way to meet people in a low pressure situation (depending on how predisposed you are to hooking so badly that the ball actually seems to come back towards you). Even if your local bar doesn’t have this sort of event, at least you’ll have finally found something more frustrating than your job search.

Post image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/danimal0416/3485785271

———————

Law Job Networking by the Numbers is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Law School by the Numbers
2. Seven Tricks of Law School Networking 101
3. Seven Tricks of Law School Networking

A 12-year-old Indiana boy was arrested after stealing $20 from a neighbor, then joy ridding his mom’s Taurus to the park and on a pizza run. According to police, the boy took two younger passengers to the park to show “where he plays baseball.” He then drove about three miles to Little Caesars where he bought some Za with the stolen $20 bill. Oh, he also led cops on a chase that included striking another car and leaving his passengers with injuries.

What an injustice. No, I am not talking about the kid.

If you are a 12-year-old that can’t drive to the park, then to the pizza place, then back home with no problems, then you should be arrested. Maybe a little less Grand Theft Auto and a little more Mario Kart. More importantly, Little Caesars doesn’t deliver? How is that possible? Who, with the ability to drive, would choose to get Little Caesars for their pizza? I’ll give this kid the benefit of the doubt because I picture him as some chubby kid who is going to slam four of their $5 pizzas, but your business cannot surivive on 12-year-olds who steal their parent’s car. Bad business model. Simply weird.

Sidenote: I am not talking about their crazy bread. That stuff is straight fire — Pizza Pizza-fire.

A Galveston, Texas, constable has been accused by a former deputy of a “forced motorboating.” Pam Matranga is accused for multiple inappropriate and crude acts by James Gist in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Allegedly, Matranga stated Gist should attend a local strip club for “Chunky Chick Night” where she would be able to perform for him. She compounded this mental nightmare with a faux lap dance including “making gyrating motions with her hips.” There was also mention of a box of cigarettes in between the constable’s legs. Her coup de grâce was when she allegedly pulled her blouse over Gist’s head and pressed her breast against the “victim’s” face.

James Gist, you motorboatin’ son of a bitch. You old sailor you. I get the workplace being a little awkward when your boss is trying to get your billy club, but this is Texas. Do they even have sexual harassment laws in Texas? Seriously though, a hot older woman allegedly made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. Sure Constable Matranga might not be the best looking belle at the ball but everyone knows fat chicks try harder. And this Paula Deen/Jay Leno mashup is like the Rudy of the sex game. Absolutely will rock your socks off.

Seventy-one-year-old Joan Nisbet is facing eviction from her home after a making her neighbors’ lives a “living hell.” The senior citizen sprayed weed killer in a woman’s face, blared gangster rap, and took part in naked sex acts outside in the garden. The Croydon Council has applied to place a closure order on her house, a procedure normally used for shutting down drug dens.

Good luck with that, Croydon. You do know that old people are the epitome of not giving a shit? No matter if they are walking around the gym locker room hanging brain, driving 20 mph at all times, or using ‘Colored’ in casual conversation, they do what they want. Lady is 71-years-old—absolutely no chance she gives up her house. Old people defend their home like King Leonidas and the 300. Let her have her Dr. Dre and cats for 3-5 more years then she will stop . . . mainly because she will probably be dead.

P.S. I can only picture this lady and her boyfriend in the garden is like Roger and Virginia Clarvin in the Lov-ahs SNL sketch. Just getting after it like they are in the ha-tub eating spiced meats at the Welshly Arms Hotel. Methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.

Pizza image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mastermaq/2504712932
Image of Pam Matranga from http://galvestoncountygop.org

———————

Hot-N-Ready, and a Forced Motorboating is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Ready, Aim, Grow Up

———————

Animal Lawyer is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this retro clip art, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the clip art with the text on Facebook.

Last Week’s Winner

An anonymous reader submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with “Hey! There’s another warm body over here we can use for job placement reports!”

Thanks for all the submissions and keep them coming, here or on Facebook.

Vector-based clip art courtesy of Shutterstock.com

———————

Caption This! May 4, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Caption This! February 24, 2012
2. Caption This! February 17, 2012
3. Caption This! March 16, 2012

QI’m a third-year litigation associate who, for my first two years, did a lot of bankruptcy work. I’m not so sure I want to be a partner, but I also don’t want to have to leave the firm. I hear that Special Counsel is a decent gig, though for most associates gunning for partner, I understand it’s a pretty crappy consolation prize. For that reason, I’m a little loathe to ask current special counsel at my firm how they “got” their position.

———————

I’m Not Sure I Want to Make Partner is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. I Don’t Want to Make Partner
2. From the Archives: Partner to Associates: Stop Being ‘Entitled, Whiny Pussies’
3. I Overheard a Partner Bitching About Me

Think your only option is to practice law? Think again. Over the years, 26 ex-Bitters went on to serve as President of the United States. That’s more than from any other profession.

While all of these Presidents were lawyers, and most of them had some formal education, not all of them were law school graduates. Law schools, in fact, are a relatively recent addition to higher education. Accordingly, we’ve listed each President’s alma mater. Where applicable, we have noted their law school, but for many of the early Presidents, the school simply refers to the last formal education they received before beginning their careers.

Need a break from an Ex-Bitter as President? Sorry. No can do. With the likely 2012 ticket between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, it’s a fall choice of Harvard Law vs. Harvard Law.

———————

26 Ex-Bitters in Chief is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. 26 Ex-Bitters in Chief
2. Catalina Girald: Fashionista-in-Chief
3. Bitter Help Wanted: New Editor in Chief

CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND

TO: Men
FROM: Women
RE: The wearing of sandals for men (hereafter, “mandals”)
DATE: May 1, 2012

Dear Sir(s):

This CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND is to inform you that your repeated wearing of mandals has become unbearable for myself, along with the women I represent. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form.

This letter constitutes a demand that your wearing of mandals must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND, we will not hesitate to pursue further action against you, including, but not limited to, refusing to: (i) speak to; (ii) be seen with; and/or (iii) have sexual relations of any kind whatsoever with any man wearing mandals.

The most recent incidents of such behavior occurred on Saturday, April 28, 2012 in bars, restaurants, and baseball stadiums across the United States, during which time hundreds—if not thousands—of men displayed their unkempt, gnarled, hairy, pale, and downright disgusting feet in mandals of varying shapes, sizes, and styles. The offenses ranged from mild (see, e.g., Rainbow leather flip flops) to flagrantly obscene (see, e.g., Rockport Coastal Creek Sport Thong).

My peers and I have a right to remain free from your harassing wearing of mandals, and we will take the responsibility upon ourselves to protect that right. As such, we demand that you immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future, under any circumstances, wear mandals. Unless, of course, you are comfortable with unalterably chilling the sexual desires of women everywhere.

Please be further advised that your wearing of mandals may constitute a violation of various federal and state laws pertaining to harassment, nuisance, and obscene communications. This letter does not constitute an exhaustive statement of our position, nor is it a waiver of any of our rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.

We demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.

Very truly yours,

Law Firm 10

Post image from Shutterstock.com

———————

Cease and Desist Demand re: Men Wearing Sandals is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Bitter Brief 07: Obama on Weinergate, Forever 21 Sends Stupid Letters, Jobs, and Bar Exam Prep

It’s that time again. Finals time. There are a variety of signs finals are approaching, including study groups.

Study groups are not for everyone and they aren’t for every class. But at least once in law school, almost everyone finds themselves attending some form of a voluntary group study session. While some study groups seem open to new people showing up and others seem to require sponsorship by a current member and proof of your projected contribution, most study groups are made up of more or less the same personalities. Note: these personalities are not mutually exclusive.

The Teacher

This person learns by explaining or “teaching” material. They’ll usually direct the group through the study session, suggesting, “Let’s start with this practice problem.”  They’ll lead the way through a discussion of all relevant and potentially relevant details, and when everyone thinks every facet has been covered, Teacher will throw out a, “make sure you don’t forget to factor in X,” in the interest of being comprehensive. Teachers have been known to take calls at all hours the night before a final to answer questions, and are unfailingly reliable and thorough.

The Gunner

This person is related to people who comment on articles or videos on the internet only saying “First!” Study Group Gunner wants to answer every question posed by Teacher first. This typically isn’t a problem because most of the rest of the group is content to take in Teacher’s wisdom without comment. Study Group Gunner is not always a Classroom Gunner, but the two may occasionally overlap.

The Know it All

Know It All knows the answer to every single question. Why are they even in a study group? It’s clear they have all of the information. Know it All will sometimes say things like, “we could skip that” or “we know” when often “we” is just Know it All, and the rest of the group is in the dark about the concept and its explanation. Know it All seems to believe that everything he/she already knows, the rest of the group already knows (or should).

The Host

The group has to meet somewhere. Whether it’s somewhere in the law school, a coffee shop, or in a residence, each group includes a host. Study Group Host takes two forms: their residence is most appropriate for hosting and Host accepts the job, or Host is the person who brought everyone together and is the group leader no matter the location. Both forms of Host have basic hosting skills down, but the former usually makes a snack, arranges the furniture so it’s more conducive to group discussion, and points out where all available outlets are.

The Snack Bringer

This person never shows up to a meeting empty handed. The type of snack may vary, but this group member always walks through the door with a container in hand. Snack Bringer can be counted on to (1) bring something everyone likes (2) have made it well (3) and have made enough for everyone to enjoy without regard for rationing. Snack Bringers aren’t sure they bring anything intellectually to the group, but they are sure they bake well, so they stick to their strengths.

The Quiet Ones

These people don’t say much, if anything. But they do always show up. Their contributions typically come in these forms: nodding while Teacher speaks, the occasional question, confirming or denying specific information, passing on a valuable outline, and knowing all of the details of the exam: length, time, date, place, format, etc.

The Worrier

This group member is worried about everything. The final is open book & open note? They’re worried a tab might fall off a page—how will they know what page the notes of the advisory committee on FRCP 12(b)(6) are on without a tab? What if the tab gets smudged and they actually have to open the book to read why they put a tab there? What if that topic Worrier overheard the professor mentioning to one student in passing on day 3 of class as everyone left the room shows up on the exam? A Worrier is easy to spot because he/she spends a lot of time wringing his/her hands, frowning, and starts most sentences with “I just . . . ” and “It worries me that . . . ” and “ummm, what about . . . ”

Osmosis Learners

Found most commonly in study groups organized by the school for 1Ls and in review sessions put on by professors, these people seem to believe that if they just show up, they will retain the information being discussed around them. They virtually never contribute, and rarely appear to be paying attention. Osmosis Learners also typically carry their books with them everywhere, as if they will absorb the books’ contents through such prolonged contact.

Good luck getting through this round of finals—with or without a study group.

Post image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/utslibrary/4762658760

———————

Personas of a Law School Study Group is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Law School Study Groups: Pick the Hot Chick
2. I’m Already Freaked About Law School Finals
3. Bitter Brief 06: Mr. Law School’s Study Buddies and Advice on Trying to Make Ends “Meat”

———————

Law School Exam Prep is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. My Bar Exam Prep Course Freak Out
2. Bitter Brief 07: Obama on Weinergate, Forever 21 Sends Stupid Letters, Jobs, and Bar Exam Prep
3. Want Final Exam Tips? We Outsource that Sh#t

An Italian couple is about to become two of the world’s oldest divorcees, after 77 years of marriage. The husband demanded the divorce after finding out the 96-year-old wife had an affair in the 1940s. Almost eight decades down the drain. EIGHT! Most people don’t even live that long and here Antonio finds out Rosa has a sidepiece during Dubya Dubya 2 and is like “fuck this I’m out.” Isn’t there some form of statute of limitations on being held culpable for cheating? Serious, it’s not cheating if it happened 70 fucking years ago. Antonio is about to make a match.com profile: “99-year old divorcee looking to find love like its FDR’s 3^rd term. Must like soft foods and playing shuffleboard.”

A Swiss woman had died after giving up food and water and attempting to exist on nothing but sunlight. The woman watched a documentary, which featured an Indian guru who claims to not have eaten anything in 70 years. Followers of the cult Breatharianism believe that the energy they save on digesting food and drink can be transformed into physical, emotional, and spiritual energy.

Serious question: Is this the dumbest person in the history of existence? Eating sunlight platters with a side of wind every day. Not to mention dinner has to be early; no such thing as a late night snack when all you eat is sunlight. Moonlight, I hear, is no good. Here is the real question: on day, say 15, of this diet, and shit is obviously not working, don’t you just say fuck it and grab a cheeseburger? Or what happens if you have a week of storms? Lady is on her deathbed and goes outside to snack on some rays only for it to be overcast. No soup for you! At least you would be skinny and have an awesome tan. Open casket all day every day.

The Colonel is a little lighter in the pockets after KFC was ordered to pay $8 million in damages stemming from an Australian court. The family of Monika Samaan claimed the then seven-year-old suffered salmonella poisoning from a Twister chicken wrap from the fast food joint. Samaan was left severely brain damaged and is now a quadriplegic from the bad chicken.

I don’t want to say brain damage and quadriplegia doesn’t suck, but give me a break. $8 million? I’m temporarily disabled after eating KFC all the time. Spend a couple hours nervously wondering if I’m about to shart myself. A chalupa from Taco Bell should come with an AIDS test. Big Mac? Side of a TB shot. There is no greater assumption of risk than walking into a place where food comes in a bucket. It’s just a hazard that comes with the territory.

A Chinese fashion firm, Xiamen Jenzhi, has a slightly controversial new name for their sunglass line: the Helen Keller. This isn’t even an awkward English-to-Chinese translation. They are claiming merchandising value in Keller’s “philanthropist spirit.” Their ads claim, when you put on the glasses, “You see the world, the world sees you.” Carol Augusto, president of the American Foundation for the Blind, admitted Keller had quite a sense of humor and probably would have “laughed hysterically” when she heard about the product.

In my practice I do a fair amount of assistance with businesses regarding their business plans but this just goes to show China is playing chess while the rest of us are playing checkers. How has this never been thought of before? You want sunglasses that block the sun, use a person who has never seen the sun as your spokesperson. It’s like a Muhammad Ali line of snow globes. You know those are going to be the best snow globes on the market. Next question: When does Beats by Dre come out with a Helen Keller line of headphones? Give them the slogan: You’ve Never Heard Anything (Like It) In Your Life. Boom. Done and Done.

Post image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/larimdame/880258

———————

Around the World, in Strange News is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. $7.25 Worth of Strange But True Legal News
2. The World Is An Oyster: A Crazy F**king Oyster
3. I Wanted to Go to the World Cup

Each Saturday we reach into the fridge and pull out the best leftovers to eat. That is, the most-read posts of the past week, which for the work week ending April 27, 2012, include:

1. Five Reasons to Go to Law Prom
2. Anatomy of a Lawyer
3. I Want to Be the Next LegalZoom
4. Law Firm Associate, Interrupted (Archive Post)
5. Dinner, Drinks, and Cheez-Its

Looking for more? Start here or dig into the Bitter Lawyer archives, featuring more than 1,600 articles, comics, videos, and podcasts.

Post image from Shutterstock

———————

Top Posts of the Past Week (April 28, 2012) is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Top Posts of the Past Week (April 7, 2012)
2. Top Posts of the Past Week (Ending February 24, 2012)
3. Top Posts of the Past Week (Ending February 17, 2012)

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?

Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this retro clip art, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.

The editors’ pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the clip art with the text on Facebook.

Last Week’s Winner

Donna Tissington Bennett submitted last week’s Caption This! winning entry with “Right after everyone signs the waiver of liability, we can eat the cake.” We modified the final product, just slightly.

Thanks for all the submissions and keep them coming, here or on Facebook.

Vector-based clip art courtesy of Shutterstock.com

———————

Caption This! April 27, 2012 is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Caption This! April 20, 2012
2. Caption This! April 6, 2012
3. Caption This! February 24, 2012

QI’m completing my 2L year at a top school and having trouble finding work. Or appropriate work, as in paid work that is actually law-related. I have a background in software development and want to use it somehow in my legal career but I’m actually not that interested in patent work, which is what everyone tells me to do.

What do you think of my prospects of developing an online business that delivers attorney-reviewed forms like LegalZoom? Every lawyer I talk to says it’s a waste of time and that it’s teetering on the edge of unauthorized practice of law. A lot of folks—law students and professors included—think I’m nuts and basically going to the dark side. Would I be wasting my time and my degree pursuing something like this?

AHaters gonna hate. That’s my reaction to the whole online LegalZoom phenomenon. It’s amusing to hear the tired tirades against LegalZoom and the like. Typically it goes something like this: LegalZoom is a soulless corporation that cannot offer confidentiality and thinks all people fit into the same legal peg hole. Then, for emotional impact, they say it represents the end of lawyers and the legal profession as we know it because it is allowed to practice law without a license.

Bah, humbug. It works. And it works for a couple of reasons: 1) it’s inexpensive and efficient at a time when attorneys are too expensive and inefficient; and 2) it’s good enough. For millions of people. Lawyers just don’t like the idea of clients as consumers—which they are—and there is nothing wrong with that so long as you also recognize the limitations of delivering legal service via logic-based form generation (e.g., I wouldn’t go near criminal defense work, complex litigation, class actions, etc.).

As to your question. No, you are not wasting your time or your JD. You may actually have a leg up on the outfits that don’t have attorneys at the back end.

But you will be wasting your time and intellectual energy if you think working in BigLaw or some other more traditional legal job is what you “should” be doing. If you are pursuing something that you feel matches what you have to offer, find it interesting, and can possibly pay the bills with it, then all the power to you. Who cares if it resembles LegalZoom? Maybe you’ll actually create the right product mix where an attorney is involved in form choice, form creation, and form review. Y’know, practicing law. Imagine that. Hell, LegalZoom already captured the public sentiment in its slogan “Law That Just Makes Sense.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Haters gonna hate, Darth. Remember that when people keep telling you that you are going to the dark side. They are full of shit.

———————

I Want to Be the Next LegalZoom is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. I Still Live with My Mom
2. I’m Nervous About Working Out
3. I Work for a Pro-Life Law Firm

There are two things I’m certain of: (i) I am a fantastic associate; (ii) I am profoundly miserable. And I’m afraid there’s a direct link.

My rumination on this topic started valiantly enough. The recent layoffs of most of my friends had me in an introspective mood—and I had a little extra time on my hands since there was no one in my foreseeable future with whom I’d be “just lunching.” So I decided to apply my lawyerly reasoning to something other than arguments in opposition to summary judgment motions.

———————

Law Firm Associate, Interrupted is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Associate, Interrupted
2. I Wonder How Important My Hairstyle Is in a Law Firm
3. Screening the BigLaw Un-Firm

With yesterday’s release of Fifteen Digits, a new thriller involving insider information and powerful New York law firms, we thought it was time to catch up with author Nick Santora. While he started out as a litigation associate at Sullivan & Cromwell, he’s long since become a prolific writer, show runner, and producer of scripted and unscripted TV, film, drama, comedy, comic books, and video games. Since we first interviewed him nearly four years ago about his work on Prison Break, quite a bit has changed. We sat down again with him last week, shortly before the release of his new book.

Let’s talk about your new book, which I just finished reading last night. Where did you come up with the idea for it? Were you ever a young associate slumming it in the printers?

You’re a lawyer, Matt. You know the precautions that are taken before you become a lawyer are staggering, especially in the corporate field. You have to take the ethics portion of the bar exam, then all these ethics courses and training seminars in the law firm, courses on insider trading, courses on confidentiality, they tell you when and how these Chinese walls will be set up if there are conflicts in the firm, to the extent you can’t sit at the same table in the lawyers’ cafeteria if someone is sitting there whose client has a conflict with your client . . . all these precautions are taken so there isn’t even a hint of impropriety, insider trading, or corruption.

They then take these documents, the merger agreements, the deal memos, the SEC filings, and send them down to the printers, where these guys who barely finished high school copy and collate them, format them, and ship them up and down the firm in mail carts—and there are no protections when it comes to these guys. And I always thought, why not? I always tried to think of the legitimate reasons and then I realized what it is—the lawyers don’t think enough of these guys to worry about whether they would know what do with the gold that they are handed every day.

So I wrote this book about five guys who figure out the value of the information that is passing through their Xerox machines and figure out how to exploit it.

It’s an amazing scam. There’s nothing to stop anyone from doing this, other than the fact that your book just blew the lid off of it.

Ha. Now there’s going to be a rash of insider trading cases after reading this book.

Who are your inspirations in the book world? There was definitely a bit of a Grisham feel to it and a bit of a Wall Street feel?

There are certain writers who I admire a great deal. John Fante, a great Italian-American writer who puts a lot of humor in some dark stuff. I like to put humor in my stuff. There’s some really dark stuff going on in my book, but I think there’s some humor too.

I’ve been compared to Grisham. One reviewer called me the blue collar Grisham, and I don’t know if he meant it as an insult or a compliment. I wasn’t sure how he meant it, but I took it as a compliment. A recent reviewer said I was a combination of Harlan Coben and John Grisham. I was floating on air for five hours.

Lorenzo Carcaterra, who wrote Sleepers, he sometimes goes to some dark places where my books go. If you dissect anything, you can find things similar to other artists. I just hope that it stands on its own, that it’s something unique and people enjoy.

Are these characters based on you in any way? I was going to guess the main character, Rich.

I’d say Rich is most like me. My first novel, Slip & Fall, was much more autobiographical. This book not nearly as much. Rick is similar to me—he’s an Italian kid in New York with blue-collar roots, and he feels that breaking into the white-collar world is going to be the ticket to the life he wants. I did that. I worked at S&C. I fit in there like a trapezoid peg in a rhombus hole.

That was my firm experience as well. I have to say I loved the book, but I thought the ending was very shocking. Was there any debate about it?

I was asked by my agent and by my editor if I wanted to go a different way. I would say that my agent didn’t want that ending because the traditional movie, the traditional book, the traditional story doesn’t end this way. Every interview I do now is about how the ending shocked the hell out of them. So, yes, there are certain detractions with ending it this way, because some people might say this ending is foreign to them. But once they absorb it, they say, man, this author took a risk. I think it worked out and I’m enjoying that.

Are you going to be reading a passage from your book at the launch party this week?

Actually, I’ve always found the concept of authors “reading” to audiences to be pretentious, obnoxious, and awkward. I read to my three year old. I’m not going to read to grown ups who know how to read. There are going to be hundreds of people in the entertainment industry, friends and colleagues at that party, and it would be embarrassing to read to them. For all of us.

So instead, I reached out to Malcolm Goodwin. He’s an incredible actor, director, and producer. We discussed producing a filmed scene from Fifteen Digits. Within a day, he had a crew assembled. We got a ton of great people involved. I got the great Jimmi Simpson. Gino Pesci. I took the pivotal scene from the book—where the scam is presented from one character to another at McMahon’s Bar—which we shot at [Michael’s Bar and Grill in Burbank] and I’m going to have a screening at the book signing. I had Rosie our editor from Breakout Kings and our assistant post supervisor Dan handle the post work. A lot of talented people donated their talents and their time. This thing came out great, I already see it as a film, we’ve been getting a bunch of calls about it for several months from producers and studios who are interested in the film rights.

That sounds way more exciting than a reading. What is the big difference between writing for TV and film?

Control. In TV, you have a lot more control. I don’t understand why producers and studios think the same guy who has been doing TV successfully for 10-15 years suddenly doesn’t know what he’s doing once that same writer writes a film. But you see it all the time. A TV writer is given tons of respect. A film writer is treated like an ass.

So do you want to direct this movie if it gets made?

Not necessarily, but I want that to be an option. But down the road, yes, I want to direct.

Let’s talk about Breakout Kings, your hit show on A&E, and your first time as the creator and show runner. How did that come about? Was it just a play on words? Let me use the last word of my last show, Prison Break, for the first word in my next one?

Yes, my next show is gonna be called Kings of Leon. Seriously, Breakout Kings was an idea I had while working on Season 1 of Prison Break. I did all four seasons of that show, best time of my life. During season 1, I had the idea of these guys who catch prisoners who break out. So I pitched it to a colleague, Matt Olmstead. He said “Hey stupid, do you enjoy working here?”

I said “Yeah, the shows a hit, I love everyone involved, I’m having the time of my life.”

He said, “So why would you go develop. If it gets picked up, you have to leave this show to develop it, it could get cancelled after two episodes and then you can’t come back because we have to find someone to replace you.”

He gave me some great advice that I will pass on. “If you’re on a great show that you love, ride it out.”

But isn’t that hard to sit on an idea you think is great?

It’s easy when you’re on a show like Prison Break. Everyone was so talented, I got to write characters that were so interesting, but like all good things, it came to an end. I had a year on my contract, so Matt and I both coincidentally got sent to consult on Lie to Me.

We were at lunch one day, and he said he didn’t know what to do after this. I was in the same boat. He suggested we work on something together. We were sitting eating Mexican food and I said, “you know, four years ago I pitched you something.” And before I could say anything he said “are you talking about Breakout Kings?” I knew it had to be a good idea if he remembered it four years later, so we collaborated on it and sold it. We’ve had a good time working together.

What’s it like being a show runner? Is there a lot more pressure on you to succeed?

Show runner means you are responsible for every aspect of the show. If it’s a hit you get all the credit, if it fails you get all the blame. It’s great because you can try to effectuate your vision for the show, your collective vision with all the talented people you are working with. There are some speedbumps. The network and studio executives might have different ideas, you might have unruly actors, a director who hands you a cut that is unusable. These are the bad things. Don’t really have them on Breakout Kings, though.

You are trying to create your vision. You don’t normally get all the people you want. I’ve been lucky. I work on an off cycle cable show. In theory you’re not supposed to be able to find anyone worth their salt because, by the time you’re staffing, all the best writers have been gobbled up. But in truth I’ve found amazing writers on Breakout Kings that I would work with over and over again.

As for what we do: we have to break scripts, oversee it, rewrite it, cast it, ok wardrobe, ok set design, and oversee editing. Sometimes we spend days in post, also we do music spotting, do final sound mixing. You’re also trying to write a script and you have 100 phone calls a day. It’s a wild ride and I wouldn’t want to do anything else.

Would you say you got to effectuate your vision on Breakout Kings?

Much more in Season 2. When a new show gets on the air, a lot of money is being spent and you have to appreciate that—because the studio and network are putting in all that money—they are going to have a lot of thoughts about what they want the show to be. We were given a direction to make Season 1 a lot more procedural than we wanted it to be at first.

I didn’t have a problem with having a new case a week, I just didn’t want a straight procedural. I coined the phrase “Fun-cedural.” I cannot write a show where the dialogue is interchangeable every week. But we made it work and in between Season 1 and 2, they said go ahead and make it more funny, add lots of character, fun dialogue. The result is that lots of fans are enjoying it.

What does the future hold for this show?

I’m hoping we get a Season 3, the numbers are really strong. There was just a New York Times article about how Sunday night nobody watches live TV, they watched their Dvr’d stuff, so our Sunday night numbers are solid. But when you add our DVR numbers they are great.

We premiered in March against daylight savings time—one of the lowest nights of TV watching every year. We go up against March Madness and NBA playoffs, Mad Men, and God knows what else. But when we get our DVR numbers, we are sometimes up over 100%. We are bringing in millions of viewers on basic cable.

Would it be harder to go back after being a show runner to work for someone else?

It’s funny you ask that because I don’t know if Breakout Kings is coming back. Also my contract is up, and I have been getting a lot of other offers, I’m in my prime creative years, but also my prime earning years. So I have to balance creativity and economics and all that. I’d be thrilled to work on someone else’s show, if I like the show creatively and feel we could work together well. Zach Estrin, Karin Usher, Nick Wootton, Matt Olmstaed, Seth Hoffman, Terry Winter. I can go up and down the list of people that are talented and know what they are doing.

How would you describe your style as the boss of the show?

There are these horror stories about show runners yelling and screaming at their writers, ripping up scripts, 7 am in the morning till 2am workdays. The writers on Breakout Kings don’t even know what 6 pm looks like. We work from 10-5:30 or so and order in lunch, which means we eat for 10 minutes and before we know it we’re talking about the show again. That’s the way Matt and I like to do it.

If you’re organized and know what you’re doing, you should never have to work a weekend day. I know some people that were asshole show runners that don’t work much anymore. If you asked the Breakout Kings writers, I would hope they would say I treat them respectfully. I don’t feel like they work for me, we work together.

When you are a writer, everyone in this town is always trying to lump you into a category, how have you managed to avoid that?

I got lucky to some extent and I took some risks early on. I am not with the first agency that signed me. They were wonderful, but I recall that one of the agents a year in said to me “Nick, relax about wanting to write this book, why would you want to do that, you are an hour drama TV writer.” By the way, the odds are better for you if you let yourself be put in a box, it’s good advice, because when shows are looking for someone in that realm, they look to you right away.

But I wasn’t doing this for the money. I love to write. If I wanted guaranteed money I would have stayed a lawyer. So shortly thereafter, I fired them. This was an agency that plucked me out of obscurity from a film festival and I will be forever thankful to them and I actually thanked them in my first novel.

I switched over to Ari Greenburg at William Morris Endeavor. I said I want to write movies, I want to write TV, I want to write scripted, I want to write reality, I want to write books, I may want to write video games and comic books.

He said “write good stuff and I will do whatever I can for you.”

In addition to the scripted TV shows, I created a reality show that ran for 5 years, I wrote four movies, two got made. I sold a comic book series and I’ve written a video game. All of that was because my agent Ari agreed not to put me in a box.

I find that very inspiring on a personal level, that you’ve managed to do it your way.

Look at Will Ferrell, he’s done drama, comedy, produced, acted. Look at Jimmie Simpson on my show, he’s on Always Sunny, it’s a brilliant and absurd show, his character wears a bathrobe, drinks milk all day and showers with his brother. Then on my show he is having dramatic scenes where he faces the parents of a child he killed, he’s crying, pained when he meets them. What if he just put himself in the comedy box or the drama box? If people tell you no, figure out a way around it.

Your sheer volume of work is incredible, what’s your secret?

It’s just working hard. I know a lot of young writers and producers who tell me their frustrations with not being able to get things done, yet they are hungover from last night. Even before I was married I was staying in on Friday and Saturday night writing. My wife and I haven’t gone on a vacation in 10 years. The truth is, when I have time off, I will fly to New York and spend time with my family and go to New Jersey to spend time with her family so we can see the people we care about. When I’m there, I hole up in my childhood bedroom and write.

That’s funny, do you still have your posters from your childhood on the walls?

I actually have a Tommy Boy poster up. But I’ll sit there and write. You really want to know the secret? I told someone else this yesterday. The guys who are serving the coffee in Starbucks over there want my job, everyone in LA wants to be a writer, everyone wants to be a producer, everyone wants to be a director. The only way you’re going to hold on to your job is to constantly be working on it. The only way to hold on to that job is work ethic. I’m not the best writer in the world. I’m sure there is a guy in Paducah, Kentucky, who has a novel on his shelf that would blow my stuff away and sell six million copies. So I know I have to work hard. Everyone has to work hard, [but] not everyone wants to.

Three things you can’t live without?

My wife, my daughter, and my other daughter.

Book you’re reading right now?

The biography of John Fante, the Italian-American writer.

And finally, why should people buy your book, Fifteen Digits?

I have an 8 year old and 3 year old and I need to fund their college educations.

That’s a good honest answer.

———————

Catching Up Again with Nick Santora, Author of Fifteen Digits is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer

Read More:

1. Nick Santora: Producer, Prison Break
2. Nick Thompson: Toughest Law Student Ever