BougieLand

Prom dates, past missteps and present witch hunters

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 23 May 2013 16:01:00 +0000

Dear 6 lb, 8 oz Baby Jesus - do not let me be judged for my prom date. When I saw that someone felt it relevant to dig up and publish pictures of our 44th President's prom, I rolled my eyes so far to the left and back to the right. Because for why... really?

My prom date, who went by the classy moniker of Duck, is in the penitentiary... again. To say our paths were divergent is an understatement but me from 20 years ago thought he was fine and exciting and different. My parents thought he was a felon. Turns out they were right. Should I be judged lo these many years later for my judgment at 18 years of age?

This past week, Nouveau Beau and I had some (limited) discussion about one of my exes. (If you missed the crazy tale of PsychoMike, go ahead and enjoy) Turns out that Nouveau Beau knows PsychoMike by professional reputation and it ain't good. Since it's been over 12 years since I dated PsychoMike, he just shook his head and said, "Well now you know better." He then went on to say that he didn't want to know about my other exes. They had no place in our relationship so let's just leave them out of it. Whew! It was all I could do not to get up and praise dance in the middle of the restaurant.

I admit I haven't always had the best taste in men and/or when I did choose well things had a way of going south (or left or whichever direction means no bueno). I own up to my part in these dissolved relationships but I sure didn't relish having to tiptoe down the long-ass highway of Doomed Relationships Past with him. I mean some of you all have been reading the blog for a while... it's a lot to take in. Particularly all at once.

A girlfriend of mine has just started dating again after a particularly bitter divorce. Her new man is great but his sister? She is straight CSI'ng everything about Rosa's past. Rosa said, "I wonder if this is how Obama feels, having everything he ever said or did, anyone he ever dated under scrutiny by someone looking for the absolute worst spin." I said of course it is but then she could multiply it by a gazillion media outlets with millions of dollars behind them. The witch hunt is real.

All of this to say - should we really be judged by the people we've dated in the past? Okay, maybe in the recent past, yes but ten plus years ago? Is there a statute of limitations on relationship missteps and if so, what should it be?

Do share....

Bougie News Round-Up: Get your life, boo...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 22 May 2013 14:50:00 +0000

I used to do these Bougie News Round-Ups where I'd get us all caught up on the news of the week and then we could discuss. Well, here you go. Enjoy...

1. Sergio Garcia makes a joke about Tiger Woods and fried chicken. Really Sergio? It's been done (thanks Fuzzy) and it's stale. 2013 man. For the last mickey-frickey time, jokes about fried chicken, watermelon, malt liquor, hangings and slavery - never a good idea with people of any form of African descent raised in these here United States. Get your life, Sergio. (And watch out for that water hazard at 17... oh, too late.) May I leave the following right here:

Nuff said.

2. GOP still trying to turn Benghazi into Watergate. while it's certainly tragic and regrettable that 4 Americans lost their lives that day, after 9 (yes NINE) congressional hearings, no one can tie the security failure to the White House. In fact, the more we look at it, the more we see that Congress is holding up the dollars to increase security at a number of embassies and consulates worldwide. Add in the fact that under ye olde Bush regime, 42 Americans died at embassies and consulates - where were the investigations for that? McCain, get yo' life, boo. You lost. You're old and you're on the wrong side of history. Move on.

3. Idiot fake-ass "relationship expert" CheyB explodes his mentions on Twitter by telling women that they are sluts if they carry condoms and even police officers know this. Why? Because women don't have penises. "The best way to have safe sex is to get married and be loyal." O__o Get yo' life, Chey - making a living denigrating women shows such a moral abyss... I just can't.

4. Billboard Music Awards - I can't. This was the year I turned the corner and officially became my father. Sitting on the couch frowning at the TV muttering, "You call that music? Back in MY day..." Yeah and this happened:

Get yo' life, Miggy. Practice the stunts first so you don't land on girls' heads. SMH

5. Best of the rest: Anthony Weiner (of tweeting his weiner fame) is running for Mayor of New York. You know what? Do you, boo. Mark "Latin Lover" Sanford is in Congress. I got nothing. Do the Obamas talk differently to black people? Yes, they do. Next. Dr. Dre wants to give millions to a non-HBCU college. It's his money, let him live. Feminists fighting over feminism? We'll talk more on that later this week.

On the flip of all of that, Pharrell has previewed a tune for the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack entitled "Happy" and it is. I do love some feel good music. Enjoy.

Any news you want to talk about today? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Get out of your feelings, #Scandal is fiction. Great fiction but...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:15:00 +0000

After EVERY episode...

Spoiler alert - if you haven't watched the season finale of Scandal, stop reading. Go watch it. Come back. Ummkay?

Last Scandal post for a while. We ready? Okay...

Good people, I'll say this one more time for the cheap seats - Scandal is not a way of life, a reality show or anything deeper than a primetime drama. But for some reason, people tend to take it very, very personally. Like life as they know it must alter trajectory based on the goings-on of a TV show. While the show is on summer break, mayhaps folks can gain some perspective? Get out of their feelings a little bit? Here are ten things I need folks to wrap their minds around.

1. We get it. To many of you, Olivia is a side-piece and should behave as such (i.e. "know her place") - we get it. You don't need to tweet/FB a broadcast message talking bout "hoes" rejoicing or weeping on the ebb and flow of the Olitz relationship. Enough already.

2. Those of you determined to take the chemistry between Fitz and Olivia and translate it into an off-camera affair between Kerry and Tony - stop. If they are, it's none of your business. If they aren't? Still none of your business. As a matter of fact, stop superimposing the character on the actor. They are not one and the same.

3. Why so mad at Shonda for not writing the shows and/or characters exactly the way you want them? If you are that determined to have a hand in the plotline, put fingers to keyboard and write out your pilot for next season.

4. Brothers, Olivia embracing the swirl has nothing to do with you. She is not personally snubbing you by doing Fitz on all vertical and horizontal surfaces in the fake White House. If you are that worried about black women "leaving the fold" go pick you one and treat her right. Any questions?

5. Ladies, you are not Mellie. She's not real. If your man is as ratchet as Fitz, cut him loose. You are not married to the President, you can leave. Any questions?

6. This is TV, if a man has a heart attack at noon, he is not back at work at 6:00pm. He's really not. Heart attacks generally have a root cause and that generally needs to be addressed before you can put on your suit and go wreak havoc on your "best friends'" lives.

7. IRL, Mellie would have smacked the shiggity out of Fitz for coming back weeping on her lap after his boo-thang left. Nawl. No wife is that eager to have her man back. If I were him, I'd station Tom and Hal bedside or sleep with one eye open.

8. If you want to get mad about something, get mad about the fact that we have seen David, James and Cyrus shirtless more than once and Harrison not at all. That's just wrong.

9. I'm far more horrified about the bad branches of Olivia's family tree and the glee to which Quinn took to torture than I am about the Olitz break-up. Why aren't ya'll?

10. Shonda actually has a pattern with her shows. She puts things together, blows them up and puts them back together another way until we get exhausted and say "whatever, girl" and then she finds another way to reel people back in. It's what she does. Love it or leave it alone.

Scandal is done for the summer, what are we watching?

About that #Scandal #IWillBeYourAnchor comment... whew!

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 14 May 2013 14:50:00 +0000

Lookie here. I fully understand that I was 100% on board with Fitz wanting to earn him some Olivia on the "A Woman Scorned" episode of ABC's runaway hit, Scandal. The episode was thrilling, dramatic, flashy and capped off with some steamy cocoa-stirring powered by the undeniable chemistry between Olivia and Fitz.

The "Any Questions" episode kind of turned a corner for me. Let's be real, how often on the national stage do we get to see a brother stand for a sister like this? We don't know what the story is behind Olivia and Harrison's relationship but unless Shonda is going to tell me that they are blood relatives - I need to know why Harrison isn't being considered as a viable love interest for Liv?

As we've discussed over the years here on BnB, I love love. I'm all about the euphoric majesty of all-consuming love. Scale the highest mountain, swim the widest sea love. Breathless, heart-racing, need it, want it, gotta have it - yes. All of that. But then again... I'm all about practicalities too. Why can't you have the fire and the passion with someone who is, I don't know, already there for you? Does it always have to complicated and messy to be real? Olivia may think so, I do not.

The seductive promise of a man telling you he'll be your anchor had me topping off my obnoxiously large wineglass. And not just an anchor in calm seas but through the storm?! What?! Can we add that into some wedding vows? "I promise to love, honor and be your anchor?" I mean when you have an anchor - you can soar. You can try new things, you can take chances, you can be bold because at the end of the day - someone's got you. Ya'll don't hear me though - at the end of the day, someone has GOT. YOU. Whew!

You find that and it's a wrap. Lock it down and let no man put it asunder.

The shiny allure of a "watch me earn you" kind of fades (for me anyway) next to the rock solid resolution of "I will be your anchor." You find someone willing to hold it down, who doesn't have to explode everything in his world to make that happen? Well that's a no-brainer for me. Le Sigh. I understand the heart wants what the heart wants. But at some point I need the brain to kick in and be like - "Girl. Anchor. That way. Let's go."

But I'll ask you - which line resonated more for you? #EarnMe or #IWillBeYourAnchor? do share...

At what point is enough really enough?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 09 May 2013 12:30:00 +0000

Today's letter comes from Arminta in St. Paul. She and her man Ken have broken up and gotten back together several times over the last decade.

Hi Chele,

Hope this finds you continuing to be fabulous! I've been reading your blog for a while and I notice you've talked about one guy that you've been in and out of a relationship with for a while until you finally pulled the plug. I've been doing the same thing for a little over ten years. I'm wondering how you knew when it was time to let it go or just hang in?

I've known Kendrick for years, we were drawn to each other from the start but there was always something off. Timing, circumstances, distance. Finally, we got together and it was awesome. We had a really good four year stretch a few years back that was amazing. We were both invested in each other and spending time until well - to be honest I don't even remember what it was that broke us up that time. Anyway, we've given it a try time and time again. We can't seem to stay away from each other. We've both taken breaks and during our time apart we've met other people. Ken was married briefly, I was engaged briefly, but ultimately we found our way back to each other.

The thing is, I don't think we ever really fixed some of the things that broke us up before we just kind of gave into the idea of being together and gave it another try. This last go round, I am not feeling it 100%, I don't think he was really in it and we seem to just be marking time instead of moving forward. He's a great guy but I don't think I'm getting the best he has to give. I doubt I'm giving him the best I've got either. But I can't let go of everything we've been to each other and neither can he. Any advice from you and the Bougie group? Thanks, Arminta

Yeah, um. Le Ouch. You're kinda going Roberta Flack on me here - telling my story with your song. But in this case, let my life be your lesson. Get. Out. Now. Damn the love. Sorry. That's harsh but the truth of the matter is - love is NOT enough. More specifically, the dangling promise of some glittery future where your love is golden? Where love conquers all and everything else that is wrong fades to black? Shake it off. That whole push me-pull me, we love each other so deeply so why can't it work out? Run from that.

All this love and whatnot? Where's the ring? If a man wants to be with you, he will put his all into doing so. He wants you happy. He has plans for the future, he has plans to back up the plans and he makes your happiness and those plans a priority. Won't be all the back and forth. What you two have fallen into is known as a rut. A comfortable rut because you know exactly what you're getting. Your rut is so worn and deep it's now a ditch. What ya'll share may have been great once, now it might be good but either way, you owe it to yourself (and to him) to see what else is out there. Don't dwell in ditches, dance in a field of daisies. Okay, that's uber metaphorical and alliterative to boot but I know you feel me.

Listen, I know all about this. Seems like there's no one else who will get you like he does. Who knows your story and has those shared experiences. That level of ease is seductive as hell. You laugh together, the cocoa is still working. But guess what, there may be someone out there who treats you better, who also gets you and who wants to make new memories with you and he comes history-free. You don't even know how much better life could be until you find yourself living it and all of a sudden it's like - wow! Is this what it's SUPPOSED to be like? Girl, don't get me to preaching. Verily, I say unto thee - get thee gone. One of you has to break the chains, it might as well be you.

To answer your first question? How did I know it was time to abandon ship? I found myself reading over old journals where I was saying and thinking the exact same thing way back then and now. My resolution for this year was no more wasted time. Tomorrow ain't promised and life is too short.

BougieLand, agree or disagree? Can you talk to Arminta and let her know your thoughts. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Do share...

Know when to walk away, know when to run...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 08 May 2013 13:45:00 +0000

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick letter comes from Alexia:

Ok...so there's a guy...let's call him Baggage (since he has alot of it)....our families are close...our aunts have wanted us to meet for quite a while. We finally met in October of last year at a party his family had. We talked briefly and I was so nervous that I didn't ask for the digits or any kind of contact info. About 3 weeks later, I realized my error and contacted him on Facebook saying that it was great to meet him and that I hoped to talk to him soon. He replied and said it was great to meet me and said that he was sure we would speak.

About 2 months later after no talking a family member of his reached out to me stating that Baggage needed help with a familial situation. (I'm a therapist by trade). His ex wife...was causing issues as far as his children are related...I helped blah blah blah...we started to talk and, I thought, fall in like with each other. We talked about liking each other and wanting to go out (which to this day has not happened). We REALLY connect on so many levels it was too good to be true.

Fast forward to January of this year...his mom had an emergency health crisis...and he is now taking care of her...we went from talking nearly every day to talking very sparingly (like once a week or less). My question is...should I fall back completely and discontinue contact? Should I check in every now and then to see if he's ok? Should I be empathetic and give him space? I'm stuck. Please help.

Alexia - I'm confused. I don't see the connection. I say this not because you didn't mention details but because you two still haven't gone out. It is my unwavering belief that people make time for the things that are important to them. If dude is that much into you, he would make a way to see you, be with you, talk to you. Since he has not, my advice is to fall back and let it go.

Actually in this case where's there is a lot of baggage and drama plus you've got family blended into the mix? I almost advise you to sprint post haste in the opposite direction. Let me ask the crew - BnB, what say you? Should she hang around to see what comes next or keep it moving?

He said/She said but who's right?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 07 May 2013 12:30:00 +0000

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Donald and Cheri in Newark. Donald and his girlfriend of six months had a little contretemps and they want us to weigh in on who's right and who's wrong:

Hi Miss Michelle,

We've been dating long enough to call it exclusive but not long enough to have all the issues ironed out. Me (Donald) and my girl (Cheri) are single professionals in Newark. I work in Manhattan, she works in Jersey City. We kinda live together. Like she has her own spot but she's here all the time or most of it.

Not that it matters but I'm black and she's half-black and half Puerto Rican. Here's the deal, a few months ago my ex came by really late at night (after midnight). I was just going to ignore the door but she was texting and calling and could see a light on from outside. It was plain she wasn't going away. Cheri was like, just go open the door, tell her you are with somebody and shut it down. I went down and told her I had company. She went away.

A few nights ago, she came back. Again after midnight, same routine. This time Cheri is like, doesn't she know you have a girlfriend? Why is she here again? What is going on? Well I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend, I told her I had company last time so maybe she's just checking. Cheri goes to the door with a lot of attitude and long story short, they get into it screaming and shouting in the street and I have to step in between before things go from verbal to physical. After the ex leaves, Cheri wants to know why I didn't make it clear that I was in a relationship and she shouldn't come around and what was I going to do about it. I wanted to know why Cheri had to take it to a ghetto level.

I think she's wrong, she thinks I'm wrong. What do you think?

-d

*exhales* Well, wow. First off, this letter is wrong for putting two L's in my name. Moving on. Next, I think of the A, B and C of you? You're all three wrong. Your ex is wrong for rolling up. It's hella-rude to drift by somebody's spot without calling first, particularly after 10:00pm. That's kinda hoodie, sir.

Your girl is wrong for getting all up in it. She took a bad situation and made it worse. She could've taken the high road, after all, she was nestled up next to you, she already won.(Assuming you're a prize?) Anyway...

You were wrong for not breaking it down to the ex so it would be forever broke. When the relationship ends, so do the late night drive-by booty calls. Unless there's something else you'd like to share with the class? Your role as the one chick's ex and Cheri's new boo is to draw the boundaries and set the rules and make sure everybody adheres to them.

Ya'll all acting a little special. Chill needs to be achieved across the board. Good luck.

BnB - what say you? Who's right, who's wrong? How to avoid this? And have you been in this situation? If so, how did you handle? Do share...

What if there's someone better?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 06 May 2013 12:30:00 +0000

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Cassandra. She's 32, single in Jackson, MS and has been in a committed relationship for about 18 months but lately she's wondering... is this all there is?

Hi OneChele,

I recently found your blog and love your style of writing and thinking. I noticed you have people write in with their issues and wonder if mine might be worth posting? I've been with a really great guy for close to two years. We went from being friends who hung out to friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend. It was all kind of seamless.

Recently, he's started having conversations about marriage and a part of me is flattered and thrilled at not being single any more while another part of me wonders if I'm settling because I'm so comfortable with him. I keep reading about people knowing that someone is The One and feeling a sense of certainty that the person they are with is the person they are meant to be with. I have to admit, I'm not quite there. I like him, I do love him and we're good together. We think alike and want the same things long-term.

Is that enough? Should I worry that I don't feel that utter complete faith that this is the guy I'm supposed to be with? Or am I just being selfish and looking for greener grass when things are fine here? I don't know. Maybe I"m overthinking it. Any advice from the BnB crew?

-Cassandra

Hey there. Well. Let me take this from two angles. First, my personal experience. I'm sad to say I've got a bit of experience with proposal anxiety. When someone proposes marriage you are forced to look at the relationship in it's entirety and judge its worthiness for long-term happiness. Sometimes a proposal is a logical next step, sometimes it's a wake up call to get the hell out while the getting is good. In my experience anyway.

From your angle, a few red flags in your letter. You were pleased about the proposal because you won't be single any more? If that's your first thought, there's an issue. Next you said you liked him first then tacked on that you do love him. Just based on the overall tone of your letter I wonder if you started swirling cocoa with a good friend and let it progress because it was easier than any other alternative.

The grass isn't always greener and what's out there may not be a better fit for you than what you have at home. It depends on what exactly you think is lacking? Only you know if this guy ticks all the important boxes for you or if he's just good enough for now.

I don't know you guys. So I don't know how deep your connection runs. I do know that you can not judge your relationships by others' standards. Not everyone wants or needs to feel that bone-deep validation of This-Is-The-One-ness. Some people go with their instincts, others with their hearts, others with their brains. You have to decide what to listen to.

I will say this. If you asked me yesterday, six months ago, one year ago and three years ago if I knew who I was supposed to be with - I would have given you an absolute certain but completely different answer each time you asked. So I'm glad I took the extra time to let things play out before committing everything. Let that marinate. Ask me four different times, I'd give you four different answers. Le Bougie Shrug. I'm of the belief that when it's right, you know it and that's it. I also believe that when it's not 100% right, a part of you knows that too whether you admit it to yourself or not. But I'll let BougieLand answer.

BnB - What say you? If Cassandra has doubts, should she explore them or chalk them up to mid-relationship jitters? What would you advise her to do? Do you believe people know when they've found The One? Or is that just a fantasy? Do share...

Lessons from #Scandal: Ladies, before you start declaring #EarnMe...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 03 May 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Sorry all - Spoiler Alert. If you haven't watched May 2, 2013 episode of Scandal this post spills all the tea...

Last night on the "A Woman Scorned" episode of Scandal, Olivia issued a challenge heard round the world to Pres Fitz: "I am not a toy you can play with when you’re bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, Earn me!" Cannot deny - it was epic. Immediately, 80% of the bruhs sent up collective groans while 100% of the women-folk screamed out, "YES! You betta earn me up in here!"

#EarnMe became a thing. Instantly. I'm waiting for someone to hook up the purple "Earn. Me. Dammit." tank top so I can purchase and rock with much attitude.

But hold up ladies, please press the brakes for a minute. The same way I begged of you not to put your hand in your man's face whilst screaming, "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." I also implore you not to get to issuing "Earn. Me!" ultimatums to your boo. Unless you're worth it and you're absolutely sure he thinks you're worth it too.

I'm just saying. A week or so ago I asked the fellas to check their dateability stock on the open market. I'm going to ask the ladies to make sure you are not in the bargain bin expecting some Neiman-Marcus type return on investment. Look, I love ya'll. I think each (okay most) of you are worth your weight in gold. Just make sure your boo feels the same before you talk that talk.

You don't break "Earn Me" out of your book of tricks for dinner on a Wendesday night. There's proper place and time to bring out that kind of heavy artillery. I mean, you can just be all willy-nilly with the "Earn Me" of it all. Also (as well) make sure you want to be earned before you toss it out there. Maybe you are worth it and dude is not. Poor Edison put his time in and tried to earn him some Olivia only be sent packing with an old ring and high-heeled pump in his hind parts. Jake didn't even get a goodbye (not that he deserved one). Hear me ladies, words have power. Use them correctly or not at all.

First Lady Mellie thought she was worth it too. Ivy League grad, old money, good to luck at, stands by her man, brings him scotch in the shower and still tries to swirls the cocoa. Mellie is the wife and sat over in lonely stale-ass Blair House expecting her man to show up and earn back her love. He was too busy saying, "Hi," in the shower with Olivia. Yeah he was.

Um. Hmm... We see ya'll.

The next and last lesson we need to learn from last night's Scandal? After the man makes the grand gesture and the girl takes him back? Someone should think about what happens next, shouldn't they?

No one ever thinks about how that "happily ever after" is actually going to work. Fitz blew up his marriage, Liv blew off a guy we all think is suspect and a lot of moving pieces are still on the loose and up to no good. So now what? In real life? I think we all know this scenario ends poorly. But this is ShondaLand. Lawd knows what she's got in store for us.

Oh, one other thing - fellas please - we know this is fiction. You don't have to worry about an entire nation of side chicks rising up talmbout "Earn me."

Rarely happens in real life, we know this.

Also, Fitz is a fictional President, he can do the ratchet stuff he does because he's cute and he's a fictional President... you all may not. Calm down. (The innanets were alive with the haterade from some of the fellas last night, calm down ☺)

BnB - ready to tell the one you love to "earn you" yet? How do you think that would go over in real life? Inquiring minds want to know.

Is there such a thing as "too romantic"?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 01 May 2013 12:30:00 +0000

Oooh... I don't know about this one. As you may know, I'm a romantic at heart. I love it when someone sets a scene. Nouveau Beau brought me back pajamas from his trip to Japan and before I could quirk a brow, he announced they were so I would think of him when I was sleeping. Oh, well - awesome gift then. Does this mean I want pajamas every day? No, it does not.

I like the wine, the candles, the flowers, the hand holding, the walking in the moonlight. But I like those things with someone I actually care for. Romance without the mutual affection to back it up is stalking in most states.

Tere was one unfortunate dud who just tried too damn hard. The less I was feeling him and the more I pulled back, the harder he tried. Sent flowers and poems and wrote notes and bought books even after I told him politely, "No thank you." He actually did the thing where he stood outside my window with his iPod and speaker blasting some Keith Sweat song. (Cause enough to be put to the curb) Moving on, in that case it's not romance but nuisance and who needs that?

But I have to wonder - even if it's with someone you are in a relationship with, can there be such a thing as too much romance? Is it special if it happens ALL the time? Ladies, do you want rose petals leading up to the bed every single night? Do you need candles lit for every bath? Or can it get to be a bit much?

Everyday life tends to get in the way of romance but if it was romance all day? Would we like it? Fellas, what do YOU think about romance? Do you want it, need it, got to have it or would you just like your cocoa, your sammich and the remote control? Hey, I'm just asking.

Romance, let's talk about it. What does it mean to you? Can it be too much? And why? Please discuss...

He thinks they're meant to be, she... not so much

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:25:00 +0000

Catching up on Ask a Bougie Chick letters this week and I must say, this one jumped out at me. Not to sound sexist but I usually hear this from the ladies not the gents. Take a look:

Hi Michele, SBM recently turned 30, I'm in Charlotte and I've been reading your blog for a while and I noticed you have a belief in things being fated or destined. Is that true for relationships as well? I'm a guy who has been in a relationship that is on again off again with a woman for the last three and a half years.

When I met her I knew almost right away that she was the one for me. Everything about her was what I was looking for in wife material. Sounds a little sexist but I don't mean it that way. Our problem or my problem is that she (Lisa) doesn't see things the same way. Every time we get to a point where I think marriage is our next step she does something to sabotage the relationship. Then she thinks better of it and apologizes and we make up and start over again..

It's a lot of drama when in my thinking she should just say that she's not ready for the next step. Maybe not with me anyway. I'm college educated, not bad to look at and I think I'm a pretty good catch so Im thinking I shouldn't have to sell myself to my own girlfriend, know what I mean? I should move on. But I can't shake this idea that she is the one I'm supposed to be with. Shouldn't I fight for that? This might be a little emo for dude-speak but it's how I feel and I knew you and BnB would share your opinion.

-Lance

Lance, quit worrying about what's emo and what's dude-speak and let's get to the nitty and the gritty of this. First of all - I do believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that things change. I totally feel you on this one. For years and years in the back of my mind I believed that I already knew who my one true soulmate was and as soon as both of us got our circumstances and lives aligned, we would be together forever. But every time we got back together and took a step in that direction, he would do some raggedy ass shiggity that blew us up to hell and back. I would be wounded, put myself back together, date other people all the the while still thinking one day that dude and I would get our happily ever after.

It literally took years to absorb that fact that you can get more than one soulmate and maybe someone you thought was your soulmate just fit the bill for a season. Not to disparage what it is that you and Lisa have but if you're in a "push me-pull me" cycle where you keep getting hurt and waiting for her to realize how awesome you are? You need to walk now. Do not (I repeat) do NOT waste precious years of your life waiting for someone you are not married to yet to discover their inner do-right. Naw son. Nor should you continue to cosign her ratchet. When she hurts you, she knows what she is doing and you deserve (hell we ALL deserve) better than that.

If you take nothing else from my blog ever, take this - life is too short to spend it wandering around "what if" land. I firmly believe (now) that if someone loves you, they want to do right by you. Period. If they cannot, you need to move on. Do not attempt to carry on a partnership by your damned self. Do not get so swept up in the mythical dream of a happily-ever-after with this one woman that you miss the reality of a together-forever-less-drama-life with someone else.

[Plays Shall We Gather at The River on the organ and passed offering plate] My brother, as we used to say back in the day, get to stepping. Single, professional, 30, in Charlotte? Holla back, I'll have you hooked up by next weekend. You can do better.

BnB, what say you? What's Lance's next move? Have you ever been caught up in that "meant-for-me" meme? How to let it go? Any single sisters in Charlotte looking for the hookup? I'm just saying... Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

Friends don't let friends stir bad cocoa... or do they?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:50:00 +0000

A few years back for reasons I absolutely cannot recall, we (maybe just me and I dragged the rest of you with me?) started calling sexual activities "cocoa stirring" and my oh my, the fun we've had from there. We've discussed the length (width, stamina, strength) of the stirring utensil, the elements needed to get cocoa on full boil, different variations of cocoa, cocoa scents, toppings and on it goes. So for the uninitiated - this really isn't a post about hot chocolate.

Here's a note I received the other day -

Hey Chele, even though I don't comment, I've been following the blog for years and I like hearing from the bougie bros, it's a different perspective on some things. Onto my point - You're not a guy but there's a pretty standard man law about discussing the cocoa once you get a serious girlfriend. But here's my dilemma. A guy that I'm pretty good friends with recently started dating a close friend of my girlfriend As most women, they have no boundaries about discussing the ins and outs (pun intended) of their intimacies. Long story short, word is that my boy is terrible in bed. Like laughable. Do I tell him or let him go on thinking he's doing something? ~Kev

Kev, my dude. I did not know there were published parameters of what men could, should and do discuss about bedroom game. If this is indeed true, I'll need to see a copy for proof. :) Next, not all women talk about their sex lives, particularly if the relationship is serious. As smart women, we recognize that some of us are treacherous and treasonous, we don't over-share the good stuff lest one of our "friends" decides she wants to try that out for herself. (ya'll don't hear me though)

Most importantly, let's flip the script. What if the guy your girl and her girlfriend were discussing is actually you and your stir game ain't all it could be? Would you like to hear about it from him or from her? My advice is tell your girlfriend to tell her girlfriend to talk to him about it. For real. As you aptly mentioned, I'm not a guy (O__o) so I don't know but does a guy EVER want to discuss cocoa shortcomings with another guy? I'll ask BougieLand...

Ladies, what should Kev do? Fellas, help a bougie bruh out - what should he do? How do you even start that conversation? Who thinks he and his girl should "c" their way out of what is obviously an "a" and "b" conversation? Thoughts, comments, insights? do share...

One year and 86 pounds later...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 16:20:00 +0000

It's very hard to believe that I ever got to the point where I had over fifty pounds to lose. I had stayed right around the same weight from college to fifteen years later. And then it all started creeping up. Lifestyle more sedentary, hormones battling against me, already slow metabolism laying out in the street doing nada and me whipping up gourmet meals for family, friends, boo things and the like which I, of course, had to taste along the way.

Last year when I made the decision to have weight loss surgery it was the absolute last resort for me. I was diagnosed pre-diabetic with high blood pressure and a hormone disorder (PCOS). Fifty pounds needed to go, stat! I had tried working out, eating less, counting calories, cutting sugars and salt and fat. I was at one point eating raw vegetables and only drinking water while working out four times a week and still the scale laughed at me. It wasn't until my doctor explained how my overall health and genetic makeup was fighting me and I needed to lose the weight quickly or die (okay, not that drastic but darned close) that I said fine.

Looking back from the other side of the mountain, I guess I would do it over again but I would pay more attention to classes where they talk to you about the side effects and your ability to come to terms with what a new you is really about. The first fifty pounds came off in the first three months and it's a shock to your entire system. My hair (my crowing glory) thinned and fell out. When it grew back in it was a different texture altogether. I have accidentally gone natural without planning on it. My hair no longer requires a perm just many lotions, potions and emollients.

My skin is super sensitive to the sun and to cold now. Winter was a bitch. I ain't lying. Anything under 40 degrees and I wanted to stay in bed wrapped in an electric blanket. No more sun bathing for me without a complete coating of SPF 30 or higher. The days of slathering on cocoa butter oil and laying out to get all roasty and toasty? Gone. I burned to a crisp after fifteen minutes and spent the rest of that vacay under the umbrella coated with aloe vera.

There have been some fun things - running into people who haven't seen me in years and watching them figure out the best way to say I look healthy without saying "you lost a shitload of weight" - it's a game I play... how many ways can they try to figure out exactly how many pounds I've lost without coming right out and asking? The first time you zip up a pair of jeans in a size you haven't worn since 8th grade - these are fun things.

Not so fun things - retraining my brain. Having a singular bite of cheesecake and letting that be sufficient. Learning to like sugar-free (Splenda is so awesome) drinks. Having friends and family nickname me "Six-bite Suzy" because that's all I can eat in one sitting. Having to explain to waiters that you really DID enjoy the meal, you just don't want your stomach to explode.

Funny things - not realizing that going from a size 20 to a size 10 in pants means your underwear no longer fits. I was strolling across the living room of my apartment when my drawers literally fell off my ass, tangled at my feet causing me to trip and land sprawled on the carpet in the most undignified manner ever. Thankfully, no one was here to witness the event. Surely it should not have taken that bit of foolery for me to let the XL undies go.

Irritating things - going to the doctor for the check-up and having him say - "Optimally, you should push to lose 25 more and level out there." Optimally? Man listen, these last thirty pounds were a bitch. If I take off ten more, I'm good. I've accepted the fact that the boobs shall not be moved. I've fought like the dickens to get muscle tone so things don't sag (batwings are not the business). But battling for that size six? Just cause that's "optimal" - err, okay then. There is that thing in the back of my mind of wanting to tighten this and shrink that and wishing things were more taut but isn't that always the way? Is anybody ever completely satisfied with they way they look?

Weird things - my feet shrank. I was never in a wide shoe but I wore a size 8.5 or 9 medium size my senior year in high school. Now I wear a 7.5 or an 8. Riddle me that, Batman? I've given up trying to buy an entire wardrobe. I just pick up a few pieces here and a few pieces that as I go. I've developed a weird craving for beef where before I was all chicken all the time. And bleu cheese is suddenly a food group. Weird.

All in all, it's been a hell of a journey. I don't recommend it for everyone but it's worked rather well for me. My biggest fear now is that six years from now I'm writing this AGAIN because I've somehow put back on all the weight and then some. Then again, perhaps because I'm so terrified of having to write that post, I'll do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't come true.

At any rate, because you all have been with me through the whole journey - thought it would be nice to share the next steps in the journey. Anyone else getting healthier in 2013?

What about Love Jones 2?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:25:00 +0000

Harper and the gang are coming back

It's been announced that filming for Best Man 2 is underway with the return of all the original cast members. To this I say - well okay. Not sure I was that invested in these characters that I necessarily am clamoring to see what happened to them. But in the dearth of feel good well cast rom-coms, I'll take it. I liked The Best Man, didn't love it, but it was a nice romantic comedy that didn't make me want to gnaw off my own arm and throw it at the screen (Why did I get married (1&2), Think like a Man, I could name more but we don't have all day here).

But this got me to thinking, what other African American rom-coms from "my era" would I love to see a sequel made? First thing that popped into my mind was Love Jones. Who doesn't want to see where Darius Lovehall is today? What's up with Nina? What happened to the hater in the group played by Bill Bellamy? These are questions I'd love to know the answers to. Even though Boyz in the Hood wasn't a rom-com, I'd be interested to see where those characters are twenty years later.

What about you?

Will you go see Best Man 2? If you could green light a sequel to one of your favorites, what would it be? Do share and feel free to tell us why in the comments. Happy Monday!

Fellas, good luck finding that Perfect Purple Flying Unicorn who lays golden eggs

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Blogger's note: we take a break from Famous Movie Quotes I Don't Believe In week for today's special post... Oh and also, no - I'm not a relationship expert but I've been around and done some things and learned more than I needed and so I share...

I get it, I really do. It's hard to find The One out there. Finding someone to match your emotional and physical checklist who gets you and shares your vision of the future for both the immediate and long-term? Plus they (prayerfully) are employed, sane, with low drama thresholds? It ain't easy. I feel your pain.

Media outlets (mainstream and other) spend a lot of time telling women why they can't/won't/shan't find a man and what to do about it. A lot of that chatter usually involves telling a woman to improve herself, lower her standards, be more realistic, stop giving it away for free, earn more money, go to different places, get her mind right first, get her credit right first, do back flips six dozen times in the rain in five inch heels in a size 4 mini-dress while quoting from Deuteronomy and performing kegels to keep it right and tight, you know - basically make miracles happen time and time again.

But fellas, I gotta tell you... I've been listening to some of you out there on the Twitter streets and Facebook highways - some of ya'll need a miracle or two yourself. It's fine to have standards, in fact, I highly recommend that many of you raise yours; but some of ya'll are out there on your Ponce de León, searching for some mythical, unfindable treasure only whispered about as legend. And then when said creature remains lost to you, you complain regularly and loudly about how hard it is to find a good woman.

No. It is not hard to find a good woman. It is not hard to find a single, successful, professional woman who looks good and is about her business. It IS hard to find a woman with all of that who lives up to some fantastical ideology that may or may not exist in the real world. From Chris Rock's Never Scared:

"You're never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person.
You're never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan.
It ain't happening.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be the perfect time."

Not saying I totally agree with that but I understand what he's saying. Perfect doesn't exist. Guys, you know I love you, but Imma need for some of you to level-set. If you have been seriously looking and looking and looking in what is arguably a buyer's market and still can't find Ms. Right? It's time to make some changes. How? Five steps:

1. Get an impartial jury to calibrate your worth in the marketplace. Sounds harsh but there it is. You may think you are a platinum catch bringing much to the table. Ask around and find out if that is true. Not just looks but attitude, values, belief system, expectations, bed game, baggage, and yes, earning potential mixed in with the way that you treat someone all make up your net dating worth. I'd hate for you to think yourself a 9.5 when you're putting out 4.7 vibes. Water seeks its level. Figure out what yours is and act accordingly.

2. Where are you looking? Really? After a certain age you are not going to find who you are looking for in the clubs. People disparage online dating but the truth of the matter is by going virtual you cast a wider net into a much deeper pool of candidates. Looking for a woman with a refined palate? McDonald's may not be the spot. An extreme example but you take my meaning. Figure out where like-minded people are and get there.

3. Review your expectations. Do you have a 100-point checklist where 25 of those things are must haves? You are making it way harder than it needs to be. In the HR World there are BQs and PQs. A BQ is a quantifiable basic qualification that a candidate must meet to even apply for the role. For instance, a college degree. A PQ is a preferred qualification that can shift as needed. For instance, a degree in a technical field from an Ivy League university. Is it possible that your BQs and PQs need a review and refresh? The more nice-to-haves take up space in the must-have list, the harder it is to find.

4. An speaking of HR - approach your search for The One like you would a job hunt. Don't expect it to come to you, pound the pavement (virtual and real) looking for it. Find out where people found the ones similar to what you want and go there. Dress for success, do something that makes you stand out over the others, never assume the position is yours just because you showed up (ya'll don't hear me tho) and always, always know that word of mouth (the referral system) gets you further faster than anything else.

5. Last but not least, if the last four things don't work? Seek professional help. No, I'm not calling you crazy, I'm saying hie thee to a professional matchmaker or life coach... credentialed, not these Social Media idiots turning bad Hallmark quotes into careers. Let's take the job analogy again, if you couldn't find a job on your own, wouldn't you consider letting an agency or headhunter help you? Of course you would. Just food for thought.

Once you find some candidates? Well, that's for another post. So fellas... I wish you well. I wish you luck and I wish you love. Nuff said? BougieLand, agree or disagree? Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

Love means never having to say you're sorry - Says who?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

*Blogger's note: In light of yesterday's tragedy, I was going to scrap the series and blog about something more serious... then I thought we probably need something a little light today. So here it is...

Continuing Famous Movie Quotes I don't Believe in week has brought us to the 1970's classic, Love Story, based on a novel of the same name by Erich Segal. He penned epic heartstrings and violin inducing sagas of love and loss. People adored this movie. I was one of those who when I was old enough to get it, sat through it with many plates of skepticism peppered with side-eye and a few helpings of some "for real tho" on the side.

In a synopsis:

Rich preppy dude (Ryan O'Neal) at Harvard meets po' preppy chick (Ali MacGraw) from Radcliffe. It's Romeo and Juliet redone, kinda. She tries to make him less white bread, he tries to keep her mostly naked. Romance follows. They fight and she tearfully tells him, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," thus letting him off the hook for his jackassery. His family hates her and cuts him off, they struggle, she gets sick and succumbs. His father is shamed and apologizes and dude tells him, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," thus letting him off the hook for his jackassery.

You see my issue here? By never admitting wrong doing and apologizing, I feel you're being let off the hook for whatever you did wrong in the first place giving you implicit invitation to continue to do wrong without consequence. Me no likey. Someone on the innanets agrees with me, here's their illustration:

Okay?!

I think love means saying you're sorry before you're backed into a corner and there's nothing else to say. I think saying you're sorry and following it up with actions proving you're sorry and will do better is a great way to love. Now on the other hand, if you're just throwing around I'm sorry like dirty Kleenexes, you might as well not say anything all. And that's not love.

I distinctly recall an ex who gave great apology. If apologizing for wrongdoing was an Olympic sport dude would be the Michael Phelps of that ish. He would get down on his knees in front of me, give the sorrowful chock-full of remorse look, drop his voice an octave, take my hand in his and say, "I genuinely apologize, Michele. I did not mean to hurt you." He always followed this up with some flavor of grand gesture and the obligatory knock-it-out-the-park-so-she-wont-remember-what-she-was-mad-about cocoa. This worked... until it got repetitive and by then I knew what was coming before he one-kneed on the carpet. Keep yo' sorrys when they don't meant a damn thing except "sorry until the next time I eff up" or "sorry I got caught and have to say I'm sorry again." :-/

But when they do mean something (and often they do), I think they should be said and meant and shored up by better behavior. Maybe that's just me? Am I the only one who sees the value in a well-done apology? Or do the people you love never really have to say it? Do share...

You jump, I jump... wait, what?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Kicking off Famous Movie Quotes I don't Believe in Week - yes, I made it up... Let's start with the iconic meme from the tragic blockbuster Titanic. In a synopsis:

Jack, po' ass with a heart-of-gold artist, lands ticket on the most fabulous yet doomed ship in the world. Also aboard are really, really rich and really, really poor folks. One of the sorta-really-really-rich-but-really-just-pimping-herself-out-for-the-dollas passengers is blue blooded, hot tempered and flame haired Rose.

Jack loves his life, Rose hates hers. Her fiance is a snob who treats her rather like an accessory, her mama is a money-grubbin' social climber and she has no real friends to speak of. After a deadly dull dinner party where she can anticipate a life of nothing but more of the same, she decides to hell with it, death is better that this cold ass lobster and cold ass life.

She runs (in a formal gown that looked like it weighed a ton) across the ship and up to the far deck so she can fling herself into the Atlantic thus ending her cold, tragic life in an equally cold and tragic way. Jack, on the other hand, is chilling on deck looking at the start and getting his smoke on. Rose runs past him and he feels obligated to help. A meet-cute follows in which he talks her out of jumping by saying he would have to jump as well and did she want that on her conscience? A famous line is born: "You jump, I jump." They repeat this a few more times strengthening the bond of their love until an iceberg ruins alladat and she's left standing alone on Ellis Island in the rain with a fake name and a priceless jewel in her pocket while he's at the bottom of the Atlantic forever forgotten by everyone except her. (There was other stuff but ya'll have seen it, right?) And so their hearts will go on (see what I did there) and the romantic legend of you-jump-I-jump takes hold.

Ummkay - yeah, that really, really depends on the person and the situation. I call bullshiggity on a blanket, sure I'll jump with you cosign. A part of me really wants to be that ride or die, you-jump-I-jump chick and the other part of me says... I'm here for reason. If you jump, Imma mourn you and keep it pushing.

I thought about this last week when I caught up with an old friend of mine from college. Haven't seen him in years. We briefly dated but I spied some self-destructive tendencies and pulled the rip cord early. In fact, it was when he'd been picked up by the law for the second time that I opted not to bail him out and instead, just bailed. Through the years I wondered if I bailed too soon or if I should have either hung in there with him or helped prop him up while he got on his feet. Fast forward to today. Well... dude has been married four times and has seven kids by five different woman. He's currently on parole and lives in the basement of his sister's house. In his words, "I just couldn't get my do-right working full-time. Looked for too many soft landings, I guess." I didn't know what exactly that meant except that whew! Bullet dodged.

You're not meant to jump in the deep end with everybody. Some folks you are even meant to put a pinkie toe in the water with. If you see something in a person that says, yes- they have a parachute or yes, you're only jumping three feet or yes, they'll catch me? Go ahead and jump. Otherwise, wave buh-bye and think of them fondly.

BougieLand, what say you? Are you a "you-jump-I-jump" person or do you require some parameters for all of that? Do share...

The New Boo Side-eye Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

"Chele, at what point do you stop side-eyeing the New Boo and just let whatever will be, be?" This was the question posed to me by a young lady who after a hiatus on relationships is dating again. Side-eye with a skeptical slow blink? Something like this?

Yeah.... Here are my thoughts:

Hi, my name is Michele. You've read this blog right? Me and the side-eye are tight. Two peas in a pod tight. But I understand what you are asking. I myself am a few really good dates into something. I don't know what yet but it's definitely something. I find myself holding back the urge to look at this guy and inquire, "So what's wrong with you? Just tell me know upfront so I can decide if I want to deal with it or not." I find myself in the middle of great conversation wondering, "How much of this is true and how much of this is bullshiggity?" But I can't say that, I'm still in the stage where I want to appear moderately unscathed and unscarred from relationships past. We can't let all the BougieTales out of the closet at once. So I smile, laugh and take it all at face value... for now.

I am trying, Jesus help me, to be an [deep breath in, deep breath out] optimist. But past shenanigans make it hard. Take today for instance, he sent an email this morning (he sends a good morning email at 6am because I am not a morning person) and told me to give him a ring sometime today just to say hi. I called a few hours later and his voice sounded funny. In thirty seconds, I had imagined five messy-assed scenarios for why he sounded like that. On second thirty-one, his voice went back to normal and he said he had been walking down the hallway with his boss when I called and was ducking into his office so he could talk freely. I actually let out a breath. Yes, I exhaled. Color me cynical? Yep. But I'm pretending that I'm not.

So yes, I understand the struggle. The cautious optimism. The Lord-Please-Let-This-One-Have-Low-Drama-Thresholds prayers. The not wanting to dive in too deeply. You don't want to go too fast but you don't want to move too slow and you don't want to appear as conflicted as you really are. Yep, I know of all these things.

Much as I hate to lean on cliches, they fit this situation. Take your time. One step at a time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Whatever he is or isn't will reveal itself in time. Stay alert but not hyper-vigilant. Start out with an open mind and closed legs. [Ya'll don't hear me tho] Listen when he speaks and actually digest what is being said in both context and tone. And real talk, if you don't like what you see or hear, walk. It's that simple and that complicated.

To answer your question, there's no set time or event where you put the side-eye away. What you're really asking is how long until you trust that this person is who they say they are and will do what they say will. My answer is that trust should grow gradually over time, reinforced by him sharing his thoughts, using his words and following through with deeds. Good luck!

BougieLand, how long do you think it takes to really know and trust somebody? If you are still single, how hard is it for you to open up and be yourself with new potential s/o's? If you are married, how long until you felt you really knew the person you are with and not just their "representative." Inquiring minds want to know. Do share...

What if #Scandal was real and Olivia Pope was your best friend?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Liv, let me chit and chat witchu for a second, girl...

"What if Scandal was real and Olivia Pope was your best friend? What would you do?"

This was a question posed to me via email by an angry reader who presumed that me loving the show was the equivalent of me cosigning the foolery there within. The reader thought I was an advocate of the blatant shenaniganism that goes on Thursday at 9pm central on ABC (if we're lucky). I have to tell you that I was GIDDY to get this question. Like hop out of my chair, moonwalk sideways, ask Annie if she's okay, hit a prep two times and end with my middle aged version of a twerk happy. (And that's damn happy ya'll)

Why was I so happy? Because I get to reiterate for the eleventieth zillion time - this ish is FICTION!! I love it because of its purely escapist, ratchet-ass, over-the-top-dramatical goodness. Though there are moments that ring true like a zinger to my heart when they hit on a single, successful sister girl struggle; for the most part I can eat my popcorn and sip my wine shaking my head with a "whew! glad it's not me" gleefulness.

But to directly answer the question, if Scandal was real and Olivia Pope was my girl, here's what I'd do:

1) Move to Guyana, the place of my father's birth. President Fitz is glorious to look at and delivers that one word, "Hi." in the best thigh-quivering way ever but Ghostie has daddy issues, invisible children, a shrew of a wife and a closeness to Scotch bottles that makes me nervous for the sake of our great nation.

2) Take Liv on vacay. Girlie needs a no-strings "Stella groove" sun and rum-soaked week to the Caribbean in the worst damn way. She is way overdue for a whole lotta woo-sah. And I'd invite her mama along because I want to see wherefore Livvie comes from.

3) Drag Harrison into the closest electrical closet and have my wicked way with him before telling him that no matter how damn fine he is or fast he talks? Gingham shirts and striped ties together are doing too much.

4) Remind Liv that love is not supposed to be this damn hard. And to please stop looking for it in all the wrong places.

5) Give Abby a hug, hire Huck and Quinn to handle the rest of those pesky Al-Qaida

6) Setup Mellie and Edison on a date. That would be an intriguing power couple.

7) Recruit Cyrus and David to full-time gladiator status.

8) Put Hollis in jail (for so many reasons).

9) Dig Verna up, slap her around and then re-bury her without the pomp and circumstance.

10) Disappear Jake. I don't what his reasons are - luring someone you've been spying on to your bed is uber-creepy. Uber.

And last but not least - Initiate an Olivia Pope and Associates Bible Study with room for friends and fam... cuz they all need Jesus.

Anything else? If Olivia was your homegirl - what would you do?

Weight gain, tragic bed game and communication for grown-ups

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 16:00:00 +0000

I was at my hairdresser's the other day and as per usual in the beauty shop, the conversation turned to relationships. One of the ladies indicated that her boyfriend of about one year told her that he was concerned about her recent weight gain. Immediately, one of the ladies gasped and exclaimed, "He shouldn't have said that."

My first reaction was, "How did he say it?" Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Okay, I know (believe me, I know) that weight is a touchy subject. Unless the comment is, "Wow, you're really looking great." Or "I'll love you at any size." It's hard to have a discourse that doesn't trample someone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, if this is an issue that impacts your relationship, wouldn't it be better to address it early?

We all know there are so many wrong ways to have this conversation. Buying your woman a treadmill for Christmas. Laying out the workout gear on the bed after she gets up in the morning. Sending a copy of the Atkins' Diet to her Nook. Snatching a bag of snacks out of her hand as she watches TV. When the waiter comes by to ask if you would like dessert announcing, "She doesn't need any." O__o (All of these stories happened to people I know.)

For the most part, women know when they are gaining weight. But what we don't know is how much weight our significant other is "fine" with and when we've crossed a line in his head that changes his perception of us. Yes, yes - I know. We are supposed to be loved for the total package. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, yes this is true. But if your original packaging was a size 2 and now you're in a 22, you've changed the rules of the game without getting your s/o's buy in. Like it or not, part of what attracted him was the packaging. Men feel betrayed when you take away their shiny, pretty toys. It sucks but it's true.

Think this is touchy terrain? Try telling a man that he is terrible (not just slightly uninventive) but terrible in bed. This is the dilemma that another friend of mind is dealing with. Her man of close to two years has started taking the cocoa for granted. The bed game is now lazy. Where before he took the time to prep and stir the cocoa before bringing it to full boil adding everything including sprinkles, now he's just opening the package of instant, microwaving and stirring twice. (Stay with the metaphor people)

Again, there are bad ways to communicate this. Lying there after the 30-second cocoa and hissing, "Dude, is that it?!" Downloading a copy of "Sex for Dummies" onto his Kindle. Waiting until he complains about something so she can counter attack: Him: "We're out of milk, did you not have time to go the store?" Her: "I was too busy giving myself orgasms since you're no longer able." [Welp!] Again, all true instances.

Men may or may not know they suck in bed. Women may or may not know that their men are fine if she gains 5 pounds but 15 is going to be an issue. If you can't talk about these issues with each other, you've created a bigger problem. It's not just what you say but how you say it, when you say it and how often you repeat it. {Nagging is never winning behavior Never not ever.] Also, are you enabling the behavior? Are you bitching about your girl's weight and swinging by with red velvet cupcakes? Are you complaining about the cocoa prowess but getting an Oscar for your fake orgasms? This things don't help, they hinder. And most importantly, is it coming from a place of true compassion and concern or is it coming from petty selfishness.

The best way a guy can talk to a woman about her weight is by removing any sort of accusatory blame from the conversation. In the instance of the woman at the hairdresser, the man mentioned that because of his family history he was adopting a more healthy lifestyle and asked if she wanted to start going to the gym with him. Something in his tone alerted her and she asked him, "Have I put on a few pounds?" And he replied yes. I didn't see anything wrong with that. The women in the shop felt that he should accept her no matter what. Yes, that's true but is it realistic?

So I put the questions to you, BougieLand. Are there certain touchy subjects that you can't discuss without drama? Is there a good way to tell someone a super-sensitive critical thing? What's the best way? Is it wrong to tell a woman she's gained weight? What if the man had gained weight and/or the woman was suddenly lazy in bed? What to do, how to discuss? Do share...

Obliterating "black-think"

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 15:30:00 +0000

Once again for the cheap of seat and slow of mind, all people of African descent are not a monolith. I've said this several times to various audiences and unfortunately, I have to repeat it not just to other races but to my own as well.

Sitting in a spa for mani/pedi time with BougieMom, a white woman in her mid-20s sat in the pedicure chair beside me and perhaps in an attempt to make conversation turned and asked if she should go see the new Tyler Perry movie. I affixed her with a confused why-are-you-asking-me look and replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen it." To me, that's a conversation ender, no? Like the most polite hint that I had nothing more to say on the topic. Instead of taking that hint, she spoke again and this time rather loudly, "Well don't your people love Tyler Perry? I thought you all LOVED Tyler Perry!"

At this point, Ms. Nellie put down her Bible Study book and sent girlie a look that every misbehaving child knows well. "We are black, Southern, upper middle class, female, educated, employed and proud - which people are you referring to?"

That shut the conversation down right there. 2013 and still with the "your people" shiggty? Ooookay.

But as I tweeted a few days ago, I don't have a sweeping desire to see TP's new film. I'll catch it on cable if I hear enough good things about it. I was admonished to support it since we have so few "black" movies being widely distributed. Others scolded that I wasn't "down for the cause" if I didn't support black artists. (Which cause is that?) One person even went so far to say that as a black artist myself, didn't it behoove me to support others? Simply? No. I'm not required to blindly support an artist or entertainer based on the color of their skin.

Take for instance the tale of two TV shows. One being Scandal and the other being Deception. I tried like hell to like Deception. Why? Because it featured African-American characters during prime-time on a major network. (Plus Laz Alonso, you know. Anyway...) I wanted to support it in the hopes that more shows targeting that demographic would follow. Unfortunately, the plot, premise and performances did not hold my attention. I watched the first episode of Scandal last year for the same reason and was hooked. All things are NOT created equal. Was I required to support the entire season of Deception even after I fell asleep on it twice? No.

Did black folks get together and vote on the things we must support? If so, I missed it and never saw the absentee ballot. As frustrated as I get when people of color bash Obama, it's their right to do so. Just as it is my right not to support Tyler Perry blindly, not to listen to anything Chris Brown has to say or sing (ever), and not to be wowed by the majority of self-published urban street literature out there.

We don't all love Moscato (no shade, I've been know to imbibe freely) or Cognac. Some people even choose to watch golf over March Madness this month. Some enjoy reality shows, some watch NatGeo. Do I really have to go on?

There is no "black-think" - no train of singular thought that all folks of African descent must unanimously agree upon. With the exception of staying black and dying, there is no experience uniform into which each and every one of us fit. Yes, for the most part, we'd all like to see the continued "advancement of colored people" but does that mean the same thing to each and every one of us? I think we can all agree that the answer is no.

In short, people should support what they like for whatever reasons they have and allow others to do the same. Let's not assume that there's an inherent commonality of preferences. And that's all I have to say about that.

Thoughts, comments, insights?

Happy Easter!

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 17:30:00 +0000

I've had a few Easter posts over the years, thought I'd share one or two today.

1. Sacrifice

2. Is is too much to ask for some Jesus on Easter Sunday?

By the way, has anyone been watching The Bible on History Channel? Good stuff...

Lessons Learned from #Scandal - The Truth Will Out

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:30:00 +0000

As many of you know, Scandal is a Shonda Rhimes-penned TV obsession of mine. Though she has a tendency to deliberately dance up and down on her audience's emotions and nerves, I find her writing style to be brilliant and she always peppers her episode with one or two "morals to the story" if one only cares to look beyond the dramatical to see them.

Watching last Thursday's Scandal "Top of the Hour" episode was one such show. In addition to the over the top drama (wait - girlie had an affair with her professor that went on for years and whose child is that?!), underneath the spectacularism was a prevailing truth.

My Aunt Violet used to say in her whispery, West Indian voice: "Gurl, the truth will always out. You can't run from the truth or death, they always catch up to you." The truth will out? Yes, the adults would nod sagely and one would always tack on, "Things done in the dark always come to light."

The thing of it is, everyone has a skeleton (or ten) in their closet. Whether one of those bones will come flying out today, tomorrow or after you're gone is the question. With few exceptions (Jimmy Hoffa not withstanding), the little things we don't want found out invariably do come out and always (ALWAYS) at the wrong darn time.

The question is, what to tell and what to take to the grave? In this case, when the wife and mother became CEO of a publicly-traded company and her former lover was nominated for a Supreme Court position - it might've served her well to pull husband to the side and do some preventative damage control. Instead, her secrets eeked out one at a time so that each blow cut deeper than the last. No bueno, chica. No bueno.

In Olivia's case, she kept secret from Fitz that she agreed to rig the election to win him the presidency. When was a good time to share that dirty little secret? I have to say, the 33rd of Neveruary would have been a fine time. Verna's deathbed confession scotched that all up. But once Olivia found out that he knew, she should have done immediate damage control. Now he's double-fisting scotch at midday and she's swigging $300 wine straight from the bottle. No bueno, chica. No bueno.

Lessons learned in this episode? The easy one is simply not to sleep with people you ain't supposed to be sleeping with but let's keep it real, shall we? Other lessons: There's always a paper (digital) trail. If you're doing dirty, don't do it digital. A phone call log can be explained. A skanky email? Not so much. There are cameras everywhere. Even when you think they're aren't? There probably are. If one other person knows your secret - it's not a secret. Point blank. Folks crack for all sorts of reasons. And last but not least - it's always a better idea to out yourself than to be outed. Please stop and read that again. If you've got skeletons, it's ALWAYS better to drag them out and display them in your own way than to have someone do it for you. You can dress them up, add musical accompaniment and make the skeleton seem not to darned scary. Everyone else is going to Stephen King/Tim Burton your ish.

What do you think, BougieLand? In the cases where you can't take it to the grave, better to self-snitch or no? Thoughts, comments, insights on the Scandal of it all?

The I.T.O.F.T.S. Chronicles - for real tho

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:30:00 +0000

*ITOFTS= I'm too old for this bullshiggity

I'm old. No, I'm serious. Just walking up the last step to the landing to get to my apartment, I slipped and fell and ended up wrenching all the muscles on the left side of my body plus pissing off my lower back. Yes. That's old when you get injured... walking. :-(

My mother is eighty years old so calling her to help out is what we call counter-productive. Older bro with the ability to medicate me lives 1300 hundred miles away. Older sis who at least would throw pain pills at me from the door is 1200 miles away. BougieYoungerBro has five kids. He ain't got no time to parent me. The long-distance dude is sometimey and by definition - a long distance away.

The apartment complex (freaked that I'm going to sue) demanded the name of someone to call and babysit me for a day. I was going to call a girlfriend but my cell rang and it was David. He volunteered. Now this is fine. As exes we're fairly cordial. There are about three or four topics that we tiptoe around but for the most part we can be around each other without a lot of drama. And how much drama could one get into when I'm spaced on muscle relaxants? Had the strangest dream about Prince and Twizzlers in a completely purple forest. Yeah... anyway.

While I was sleeping David takes it upon himself to inform the long-distance dude that he isn't holding up his end and should do better. O__O What transpires at this point is a long-distance pissing match of epic proportions with text, mail and phone flurries.

People, when I tell you I am too old for this bullshiggity, I absolutely mean it. If I wasn't allergic, I would just get a cat and be done with it. How's that BnB Knitting Circle going?

Ask a Bougie Chick - The Jealousy!

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:30:00 +0000

Our last Ask a Bougie Chick letter for the week comes from Caleb way up in Anchorage, Alaska.

Hi Michele,

Really enjoy the blog and the discussions in the comments are usually pretty lively. I'm writing in about my fiancé we've been engaged since New Year's eve and have been together for about three years before that. I'm thirty one and she's twenty-seven. I was deployed overseas but now I have a stateside assignment that will last for a few years.

We're going through a hard time right now because Kela, my fiancé, has been acting very jealous. I have never cheated, I'm not flirtatious with other women, I do everything I can to make her feel cherished and appreciated. I know she has had bad relationships before me so maybe she hasn't put all of that behind her.

When we are out together, she's very clingy and possessive. She does not like other women looking at me or talking to me, even if it's just casual. She sort of threatened the woman at the dry cleaners the other day because she thought she was being too friendly. And it's getting worse.

She drops by my work which is a problem based on the nature of my work. She calls and texts if I'm not straight home or if she thinks it's taking me too long to do run an errand or whatever. The other night I was watching a game with some of the guys and she showed up and walked through the guy's house like checking to see if there were woman there. She goes through my pockets and sniffs my clothes. At first it was kinda funny but now it's angering me.

Last week, I had to fly down to Seattle and when she Skyped me, she wanted me to walk through the hotel room with the ipad so she could she if anyone was there with me. It's driving me crazy. I promise you I've never given her any reason to be this way with me. She wasn't this bad until after I proposed when I got back stateside.

I tried talking to her about it and she said if I didn't have anything to hide there was nothing to worry about. I love her, I really do but I can't live like this - what should I do?

-Caleb

First of all Caleb, thank you for your service to our country. Secondly, dude - you gotta put a foot down. She is straight CSI'ing your whereabouts and belongings and unless it's corrected it will only get worse. That's way out of bounds. I get it, she's been dogged or hurt or played before but you cannot carry the water for all them ragamuffins. She's been in a relationsip with you for three years, she should have laid those old bones to rest by now. If she can't accept that you're being true, you may have to press pause.

Trust me - I know of what I speak. There was one relationship where I had good cause to stay suspicious but when I caught myself with a program to read all of his incoming and outgoing text messages, I knew I needed to step away. That's no way to live. Living in a state of distrust, anger and resentment is no kind of foundation for a relationship.

You're at a point where either she trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't that's a problem. I hate to keep sending everybody to counseling but if she can't find a way to let of the past and look towards the future, she needs some help with it.

If this was a woman writing in about a man, I'd actually tell her to be careful because he was showing some serious stalker tendencies. Perhaps I shouldn't double-standard this own. Can one stalk and/or terrorize one's own fiancé? Definitely. If shre threatened someone last week, she may follow through on that threat next week. She's not there yet but you need to nip this in the bud before it turns ugly. Oh and you're going to have to tell somebody about it if it gets worse. I've seen too many situations where a woman flipped out and turned the whole thing around on the guy and his life was ruined. Good luck to you, tell us how it works out.

BougeLand - Any advice for Caleb? Been in his shoes before? What do you do when the green-eyed monster takes over your significant other? Thoughts, comments, insights?