BougieLand

Summer Heat, Anniversaries and Black Bloggers

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 29 May 2012 13:05:00 +0000

You know it's hot in Texas when you have to escape to Florida to get a breeze. BougieMom and I are chilling in Fort Lauderdale for a few days visiting BougieSis. Also my godparents, who are some of the most marvelous people on the planet, are here to celebrate their 51st wedding anniversary. Fifty-one years?! Can you even imagine? On top of that, they still really not only love each other but like each other. How much awesomeness is that?

Thursday, I'll be heading north to attend the Blogging while Brown convention in Philadelphia. Looking forward to putting a lot of names/Twitter handles with faces there. From there, I'll be back in Dallas for a few days then it's off to Houston for the National Black Book Festival. H-town, I'm thinking cocktails the evening of Saturday the 8th. Stay tuned.

We're doing a wonderful thing at the "keep the lights on" job called Summer Hours. That's every Monday off from now through Labor Day. Cheers for the three-day weekends! I can get my 2012 release publicized and my 2013 release written.

In between all that, I'll be heading to Punta Mita, Mixico for some R&R in June and back to celebrate BougieMom's 80th birthday in early July. It's shaping up to be quite the summer.

BougieLand, what do you have planned for this summer?

Are you focused on the Plan instead of the (Wo)Man

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 25 May 2012 13:50:00 +0000

I know a lot of married people. A lot, a lot, a lot. And for those in my age bracket, I'm sad to say that about 70% of them are not happy. I mean like Not. Happy. At. All. My older brother and I were talking about it and we've heard a lot of the same stories. Some people didn't want to get married in the first place but thought "it was time". Others knew early in the marriage that it wasn't going to work out but decided to adopt a "wait and see" attitude. Others have grown apart. Others just kind of let things dissolve into "whateverness".

I'm just wondering how many people get to the point where they are just ready to kick the Life Plan into effect. Get married, have kids, live happily ever after and so they just shoehorn the person they are currently with into the Plan. Women have the added pressure of the biological time clock detonating at any given moment and we've all surely seen how that affects life mate decision making.

If I had a dime for every time I heard a guy say, "Well, she had put in the time and I was going to get married eventually anyway." Or every time a girl admitted, "I was just ready to get married." Good people, we call that settling and that rarely works out well in the long run.

Having been proposed to a few times (truly not bragging on that), I have to ask myself - what are you waiting on and what are you looking for? And I know that I'm waiting on the absolute sense that I'm marrying the right person for the long-term not just someone it might be cool to be married to for a little while.

I've given enough speeches about how there are worse things in the world than being single so I'll just save that rant. Instead, I'll get your opinions - Do you think too many people settle for the good of The Plan? Or do you think too many people hold out for that perfect soul mate? Just curious about your thoughts. The floor is yours.

Why are you counting?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 24 May 2012 14:30:00 +0000

I think it was @VeronicaMarche who tweeted something yesterday to make me recall this guy...

I remember a second date with a guy a few years back. Over the appetizer course, he explained to me that it usually took him two dates or the equivalent of knowing a woman for an average of 17 days before he got them into bed. He went onto explain that most of his relationships lasted about six to nine months and over that course of time, he generally liked to average stirring the cocoa about five or six times a week. Sometime between serving up #60 and #80 women tended to tire of him. He didn't know why. Shocking.

I was fascinated, repulsed and totally through with old boy all at the same time. The only question I could ask was, "So you count?"

"Of course, these things are important to keep track of." Are they really?!

BougieLand?! With the exception of teenagers who don't know any better, long-distance lovers on a countdown or folks working on fertility/ovulation... I don't get it. Who counts days until, days in between and how many times over the course of a relationship? And how do you count? Exactly? Are there bonus points for marathon sessions? Do um.. multiple boil-overs of cocoa count separately? Subtractions for do-overs? And what is the point of counting? Tell me why?! Please respond.

Let's compare: Worst Pick-Up Places Ever!!!

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 23 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

When guys ask girls why they are "so mean" when all a fella is trying to do is say hello, I ask gents to look to your other less sophisticated brethren and point the finger of ratchetery exactly where it belongs. Some of you fellas could stand to share some of your cocoasmoothe with the raggedy amongst you.

I had reached my early 30s thinking that the dude who tried to pick me up outside a women's gas station restroom (like saw me go in and waited for me to come out to holla) was the tackiest pick up ever. Little did I know what the future would hold. So I present to you, without further ado my top three worst places where guys have tried to holla:

#3 The OB/GYN waiting room: Yes, I was in Dr. ViJayJay's waiting room when a dude who came in with SOMEONE else waited until she stepped to the back to slide down two seats. "Hey, am I encroaching on another man's territory if I ask how you doing today?" Everyone in the waiting turned to look at him like - fo' real doe, playa? Thankfully, they called me back and I never had to formulate an answer.

#2 The hospital hallway outside of radiology: Picture it. Me, less than 24 hours after surgery. Just finished a photo spread of my internal organs. Posted up in the wheelchair waiting for a tech to wheel me back to my room. My hair was doing it's best Bam-Bam impersonation. My lips were crusty from God knows what. And yes, I was rocking Hospital Gown chic, an oversize tent hanging off one shoulder while two blankets gave me a swaddled look. Anti-nausea patch behind one ear and morphine drip in my arm. So sexy. "Hey Ma, you waiting on somebody?" I blink blearily, "Huh?" "Just saying if you wanna break outta here and go do something, I'm your man." I blink again, "Huh?" He laughs, "Come see me in a day or two. I'm Willie. Everybody know me round here. I'm good people. Holla!" Off he went and I thought I dreamed it until I got a card from the hospital staff the other day. Willie signed with "get at me" under his name. And I repeat, "Huh?"

And the NUMBER ONE worst place I've ever been hit on... The luncheon reception at the church after my father's funeral. I stepped out into the hallway just to get a minute where I didn't have to smile and act like I was pleased to be dining with 400 folks when my father was fresh in the ground. Not thirty seconds later, dude my father's age came sidewinding up looking all somber. "Did you know Doc?" He asked. "Yes." I replied. "He was the best." He said shaking his head. "The best." I repeated. "You know, in times like this maybe you need something to take your mind off it all. Just cut loose." I side-eyed the hell out of him, "You think so?" "Oh yeah, I know this little spot up the street where we could get a glass of wine, talk about the good times." My Aunt Vi stepped into the hallway, "Mich, we're going to go." The guy took a step back. "Oh, you the baby girl. Little Mich." I smiled, "Um-hmm." "Oh. A-ight den." Dude took off so fast in the other direction I had to wonder what my father had said about me. I had completely forgotten about that until making this list. Classic. Holla-Man Cat Daddy at the Funeral - sounds like a play, doesn't it?

Bougieland, whatcha got? What's the worst pick-up place you've ever seen?

Ask a Bougie Chick - So I'm Dating this Black Guy...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 22 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Ya know, every now and then I just wonder about folks. I really, truly do. I don't care about interracial dating, I have the whole United Nations up in my family - whatever makes you happy, do you boo-boo. But this letter right here? It threatened to bring out my inner Shaniqua and turn her a-loose... up in here... up in here. Partake ye of this missive, if you will:

Hey Chele!

I've been reading BnB for a while even though I'm not black or bougie. Hope that's okay. Well, that was stupid. Of course it's okay. You always say its equal opp and all of that. I find a lot of your stuff so funny and universal. I love the advice that you and the other BnBer's give out to the Ask a Bougie chick segment so I thought I'd write in as well.

I'm 22 and about to graduate college and I've been dating a black guy for about two years. I really want him to propose this summer. My family really likes him, his is not so accepting of me. I don't know if it's a color thing or just me. And I know this sounds terrible but I feel like if he was a white guy I would know what to say or do to get him thinking about marriage.

I kind of hinted about what comes next for us a few weeks ago and he said, "Let's see what the summer brings." I found a job not too far away, he has one year left on his business degree. I guess that means wait and see?

He's dated some pretty impressive sisters before dating me and I can't help wondering if that's holding him back from taking the next step. Maybe he only wants to marry a sister? Maybe I'm confusing myself and making it into a big thing for nothing. What do you and your readers think? What can I do to get the ring?

Thanks! WC/DC (White Chick in DC!)

Hey there. I'm just going to call you Clue because you kinda need to get one. There is so much in this letter that makes me want to send you to Diversity Sensitivity Training Modules 1, 2 and 3 that I hardly know where to begin. Maybe I'm not reading this right but are you truly thinking that there's some magic you could do to get a white guy to propose that won't work on a black guy? And furthermore, do you truly think we ("the sisters") are in possession of this magic?

Maybe I should have started with - do you really think there's some proposal magic? Some special series of events, dinners and sexual acts that will have a man belting out "Marry Me" from rooftops? Is your life a Disney film or a Nicholas Sparks' romance? Do you perhaps watch too much Dr. Phil or read too many "How to Catch a Man in XXX days" novels?

Okay, excuse the snark. Lemme ask you this - have you asked him what his thoughts are about marriage? Specifically to you? And in what time frame? Did you try going directly to the source before soliciting some random blogger who knows nothing about your boo? Or did you honestly think my sage, all-knowing, never been married self would rattle off a 10-steps to 10 carats for you?

Pardon the snark once again. You came to me for help. Let me see if the BnB faithful have something for you.

BougieLand - got any magic answers for girlie? Ladies, want to share how you got your cocoa king to the altar (in 5 easy steps or less please)? Fellas, care to share an insider's tip on how to make ya'll put a ring on it before those autumn leaves get to falling? Anyone, anything? I got nothing...

Don't take this the wrong way but...

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 21 May 2012 14:05:00 +0000

It was not my greatest weekend. Not to get too graphic for the gents but I suffered the kind of cramps that over-the-counter medications just laugh at while screaming, "I can't do nuthin' for ya!" That curled up in a fetal position asking Jesus to forgive you for whatever you did wrong to cause this kind of pain. Finally, Sunday morning I started pulling it back together. Enough to get a few things done, eat a little something and lay on the heating pad with my Kindle in my hand. So when the cell phone rang at about six p.m., I grabbed it without looking.

"This is Michele."

"Hey Michele - this is Yvetta. I'm not sure you remember me."

I didn't so I stayed silent.

"I am a friend of -fill in yada yada here- and we met at the holiday party. I got your number from -some random chick who is friends with David's boss' crazy-assed wife-" Okay, some chick who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows David.

"Sure, what's up?"

Let's pause for a moment here. There are a few phrases that tell me that some bullshiggity is about to come up out of someone's month. Here's a short list:

Let me be perfectly honest...

Before you say anything...

Don't take this the wrong way...

What I really mean to say is...

If you want to get technical about it...

This is just my opinion but....

Um. All forecast phrases of shiggity. Let's continue.

"Don't take this the wrong way but... we were wondering what your long term plans are with David?"

Hmm. Don't take this the wrong way = Strike One. WE were wondering = Strike Two. Plans with David = Strike Three.

"Who exactly is we?"

"Oh," she giggled, "there's a group."

"Yvetta?" I said in the calmest tone I could muster.

"Yes?"

"I don't know who raised you, how old you are or why you thought this call would be a good idea. But let me assure you that this is not cute, I am not amused and David won't be either. I can say for your information that women who act like this? Not his cup of tea. At all. If you are coming for him, step your game up. And let this be the last time your fingers dial these here digits. Are we clear?"

"Look here now..."

"Are we clear?"

"Yes ma'am."

Damn Skippy. Young assed chickies playing on the phone. For good measure I called DLC and broke him off a piece of my mind about his fan club. Let's just say no one rested easy that evening. Well I did because I was on the good pain meds.

BougieLand. It must be asked: What part of the game is that?! What would you have done/said instead?

Salutations, Congratulations and Sadness

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Sun, 13 May 2012 13:49:00 +0000

I'll start with the salutations - greetings to all the moms, moms-to-be, aunties who mother, stepmoms, mamas without the title and grandmoms - Happy Mother's Day. Toughest job on the planet and for those of you who do it well or don't do it so well but keep on trying, this weekend is yours. Soak up all the love and appreciation, it's richly deserved.

Next, I send out congratulations to all our newly minted grads out there. Special "you go girl" to @Asmith86 for getting that Master's from Vandy. A-Sizzle has supported this blog from jump even when she was juggling finals, jobs, internships, and all else that comes with. In the words of @Reads4Pleasure - "We love you, Ashykins."

Last and certainly not least, it is with heavy, heavy heart that I share that we have lost a treasured member of the BnB Fam. Our great friend @GammasWorld passed away this weekend. Though I'd only met her on phone and internet, she was a delight and brought so much humor and positivity to everything she did. Her DMs encouraging me in my career, private life... priceless. She was a sweetheart in every sense of the word. She'll be deeply missed. My sincerest condolences go out to her family. Prayers up for them in this difficult time. RIP Vickie. You are loved.

Today's takeaway - there is not a moment to waster. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Give your loved ones an extra hug.

When animals attack (Bougie edition)

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 11 May 2012 13:40:00 +0000

As you may know, I've had my adventures with "critters" round here. (For those who missed it read here and here.) My struggle continues...

For some reason last week, BougieMom got it into her head to sweep up all the various dead leaves and insects in the garage and dump the charming combination into a box in a corner of the garage. I pointed out that since we live next to an open field in Texas, that was an invitation for "varmints" to come on in. She just laughed at me.

Fast forward to yesterday. BougieMom is off in North Carolina visiting BougieOlderBro and I have the house to myself. I decided to run up to the store at about 2:00pm. I swung open the garage door and heard a squawk, a flapping of wings and then saw some flavor of bird dive bombing me. Eeek! I slammed the door shut. Then I thought, okay really Michele? What's the worst a bird can do?

I opened the door slowly and the bird was perched atop Mom's BMW all gangstery looking at me like "who gon' check me, boo" - beady eyes all malevolent and what not. So I opened the garage thinking that the bird would have sense enough to fly away to freedom. No. He (She, who knows?) flew up to perch on some wires tacked to the ceiling of the garage.

What to do? I didn't want to leave the bird in there, looking around the creature had liberally "shared his offerings" all over the damn place. So I grabbed a broom and began swinging towards the bird on the assumption that this would prompt the thing to sense danger and flee. Hells no. The bird was clearly laughing at me and did not move an inch. So now I've taken a batter's stance and I'm about to swing for the fences when he started flying towards me. Of course I was shrieking and swinging the broom and ducking at the same time causing me to stumble into the side of my car and bang my knee.

Plus my body decided to remind me that I had surgery less than three weeks ago and all this jumping, swinging, spinning nonsense was not on the agenda yet. I got angry. And the bird finally figured out I was not playing and flew towards the back of the garage. Mr. Bird was trying to build some sort of elaborate setup in the box o' garage crapola BougieMom had stashed back there. I kicked the box in the street and swung at the bird one last time who finally flew across the yard to perch on the mailbox.

I hustled to back the car out and close the garage before it could swoop back in. Why when I was pulling back in an hour later was I scanning the sky waiting for that damn bird to come back? What can I say... I like nature from a distance.

Thoughts, comments, sympathies?

What makes one sorry? (And no, we don't mean apologetic)

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 09 May 2012 15:15:00 +0000

And the buffoonery from the marriage struggle post continues. We now turn our attention to my Facebook inbox which I generally ignore. But in the process of doing my "DELETE ALL" my eye fell on the title "You sistas ain't down for the struggle" - Hmm.

Opening this email, I was first assaulted by the irreverent overusage of ALL CAPS. A few phrases that jumped out at me:

"A BROTHER WITHOUT A JOB IS AUTOMATICALLY SORRY?"

"YOU B*TCHES wouldn't know what to do WITH A GOOD MAN ANYWAY"

"IF YOU AIN'T SEXING YOUR MAN DOWN CORRECTLY, he's entitled to do WHAT HE PLEASES"

"some of the sorriest PEOPLE I'VE MET HAVE BEEN BOUGIE CHICKS LIKE YOU"

"MAYBE you don't know WHAT SORRY means"

*repeats mantra in head* I'm taking the high road, this is a teachable moment. Woo-sah. *repeats 8 times*

The sorriness is not in not having a job. It's not wanting a job or a better job to improve your lot in life. I'll ignore the b*tches comment since that is the mantra of the Sorry-Ass Person assuming no one knows what to do with them. (We do, that's why we leave you alone). Sexing... what? Ugh. Bougie Chicks like me? Good look finding those. But this dude's last point. Maybe I don't know what sorry means? Let's get into that a little.

Let's bring this up a few levels. What, by general definition, makes one sorry? Well, first let's define sorry as we're using it here..

The Urban Dictionary defines sorry as: The state of being worthless, or poor in quality.
Merriam Webster defines sorry as: inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitifulThe Wiktionary defines sorry as: poor, sad or regrettable

So, based on this I think I can come with a list of at least five characteristics of the truly sorry:

1. One who promises one thing and does another (maliciously)

2. Liars, cheaters, thieves

3. Ne'er do wells, layabouts and lazy asses

4. Folks who find no fault in themselves but plenty in others

5. Idiots who have time to send emails such as the above

Any contributions to the list? Thoughts, comments, insights?

The Blame Game... again

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 08 May 2012 13:45:00 +0000

Last Friday, I shared a story about a friend of mine who is struggling. Her circumstances with her husband are problematic but she is determined to remain true to her commitment to him. I really shared it in the context of "there but for the grace of God go I". But some of you simply could not help yourselves from climbing up on a high horse and going in. You were bold enough to email me your points of view while being too chickenshiggity to reveal your thoughts in the public comments section. I did not reply back to any of you who wrote. There's a forum for that. Here. In the comments section. But I will share a few of these folks' thoughts and my responses.

1. For the 6 women who wrote various forms of "Your friend should be glad she has a man" - Really? That's what's hot in da streetz? As long as you have any ole man, you should be grateful and glad? I vehemently reject that doctrine. Ve. Hem. Ent. Ly.

2. To the two women who declared, "I would've divorced him the minute he lost his job" - So... not too attached to the actual covenant part of marriage, hmm? Divorce is not always the answer. And having the divorce option on a hair trigger seems a wee bit shallow. If you want a relationship where you can bail the moment things get tough, marriage may not be for you.

3. To the 3 men and 1 woman who suggested, "She should initiate sex" - Why should she if doesn't want to? Perhaps you meant to write "she could initiate sex" which makes far more sense. I'm not even to get into the one dude's assumption that sex is some sort of magical cure-all "everything looks better after some hot cocoa" - oh. Alright then.

4. To the one check with four paragraphs who preached, "A lot of women would kill for a man making $40k a year" - And a lot of women wouldn't. Particularly if the man was making close to 4x that when they met. Of course she's happy he's bringing in some income but sweetie, don't impose your set of standards on other women. And the "so many women have men who make less that $20k" argument falls flat. Good for them, what's that got to do with this situation?

5. For the over ten people who asked, "She took vows for better of for worse, this is worse - what's the problem?" Believe me, she knows this is the "worse" section, no reminder needed. Is she supposed to hmm merrily and act like it's all okay?

My overall reaction - why are some folks' so determined to make it the woman's fault? Or to assign fault at all? Why not just agree that the situation is troubling, make a suggestion or two and move on?

It's not just on this blog - it's everywhere. It seems as though people cannot size up a troubling situation without assigning blame and getting judgmental. Far as I know, Jesus has not come back yet and no one else is perfect. Glass houses, people. Help me out - Why play the blame game? Who does it help?

One of my Relationship Nightmares: Not As Advertised

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 04 May 2012 13:30:00 +0000

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine this week. She sounded awful, exhausted and at the end of her rope. Quickly I knew this wasn't going to be one of those "hi girl, bye girl" conversations. Over the course of the next hour she shared what her life had become and I had to dig deep (I mean DEEP) to find a way to put a positive spin and some upbeat next steps together for her.

Long story short, she met and married a guy over ten years ago. He was tall, good-looking, professional, well-paid, with attainable goals and dreams and best of all, he loved her for her. Fast forward to today. He's still tall and he still loves her. Everything else has gone off the rails. He lost his corporate job (four years ago) at $120k and is doing some customer service work for about $40k and has given up the search for anything better. He's gained about seventy-five pounds. He comes home and instead of helping out around the house, he watches soap operas that he's DVR'd for the day. And he's lost all will to better their circumstances. They have not been intimate in over 6 months. Yesterday the house was almost foreclosed on and they had to call their mothers to help out.

As you can imagine, this has been hard for her to absorb. She, on the other hand, is still on a successful career track. She has shouldered the extra weight of fiscal responsibility by doing consulting in addition to her full-time gig. She is raising her daughter and his son (from a previous marriage) as best she can with a packed schedule and a heavy heart. Her health is starting to show signs of wear and tear. In short, he's falling off and she's about to fall out.

Now granted, I'm only hearing her side of the story. As she's telling me this, I'm freaking out inside. She did it all the "right" way. She dated him for two years before getting married. She met his family, his friends, his frat brothers. Brother is church going, family oriented, and college educated (not that that's an indicator of ambition). One of my relationship nightmares is that I marry a dude thinking we're both on the same page, headed in the right direction and planning on building a life together and then one day out of the blue he becomes sofa-surfing dude waiting on me to come home and fix his dinner. I. Can. Not. So as she's telling me to make sure I choose wisely all I'm hearing in my head is - there's no prevent defense for this? Is there no early indicator that your upstanding hustling husband is one day going to turn into an ambitionless couch potato? And what's the fix?

BougieLand: Thoughts, comments, insights?

Ask a Bougie Chick - Out of the Friend Zone, now what?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 03 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Today, we have a letter from Rae. She and E decided to move out of the Friend Zone and take the relationship to the "next level" but now she's seeing a few changes she's not sure what to do with. Take a look -

Hey Chele,

I have a question for you. I'm writing cause I'd love to get your feedback & the feedback from the BnB'ers on a situation in my life right now. So I've had this friend, E, since 2005. For years we were just e-friends, we would email, IM, text, etc but we were on opposite coasts so we hadn't met in person. Over the years we developed a very close friendship & we told each other a lot. We finally met in person & there was a lot of chemistry...so much that we decided to be in a relationship, with the goal of us being the same city within the next year.

I absolutely adore him, I love him & I love our relationship. There's just one problem - something has shifted in our relationship since we went from being just friends to being bf/gf. His interaction with me isn't the same as it was when we were just friends - he seems to be more territorial about me. Is this what happens when you go from friends to romantic relationship? Can you date a friend & have nothing change about the interaction? Was it wrong for me to expect that nothing would change?

Thanks a bunch! Rae

Hmm. To answer your questions in order - Yes, No, and Yes. :-) Since you two already had a solid foundation, once the clothes came off or the love was declared, that's all in. Once you go all in, the game gets serious. A man is entitled to be a little insecure in the beginning. Before when you didn't return his phone call for a day because you were out with your friends? Cool. Now - where you at, mami? The fact that you don't live in the same city just intensifies that insecurity. He's all in, he wants to make sure you are too. But I'll turn it over to BougieLand.

Good people, what can you expect to change when you move out of the Friend Zone and into LoveLand? How much leeway do you give in the beginning of a relationship for a bit of insecurity/jealousy/territoriality? What can you do to make it better from a distance? Thoughts, comments, insights for Rae? Do share...

Human Resources WNTD #5308 - Go Gangsta about your compensation

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 02 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

As many of you know, I've been in H. R-uh for over 15 years. I've seen and heard a lot of good, a lot of bad and a lot of ugly. So every now and again, I like to share from the HR What Not To Do files for your education and entertainment. Usually though, I'm not the subject of the WNTD.

However, I have been fed up with my overall compensation package for a minute. Every time I tried to address it, I was diverted/shuffled/shutdown and basically foiled at every turn. So I waited until after performance appraisals were completed and I "succeeded expectations" across the board. I waited until they announced the well-over-projected profits on the recruiting project I handled solo for the majority of the year. And then I waited until I had other options lined up in case this discussion did not go well. Then I scheduled time on the Project Director's calendar to discuss my "career progression" and sent her an agenda of what I wanted to discuss.

Now all of that is the right way to launch a discussion about salary. Almost textbook in fact. What happened next... is not.

I had a whole intro and a speech put together but by the time we wrapped up the chitchat, all I could say was - 'This is way too much work for way too little money. You can pay me more, work me less, or put me on another account where they will pay me more or work me less but I've hit the wall. So what's it going to be?"

**dead silence** And then finally she says, "How much more are we talking about?"

#Score! I named an outlandishly high number, she named a number that was what I really wanted all along and we agreed. Two hours later I received an email confirming my new comp. Bougie Gangsta. (Don't try this at home, folks)

BougieLand, have you asked for a raise before? How did it go and what did you learn? The floor is yours...

Fellas - do you really want easy for the long haul?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 01 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Le Dude and I were squabbling over various and sundry, real and imagined beefs the other day when in what was clearly a moment of pure frustration, Dude heaved a sigh and exclaimed, "I'm just having a hard time with you, every other woman I've dated eventually fell in line and did what I wanted."

Yep. Let that sink in. Marinate in that por uno momento.

I did not let it sink in, I burst into peals of delighted laughter. (As did BougieMom when I told her, I mean she literally slid off her chair into gales of giggles. "He's met you right?" Side-eye, Nellie Mae. Side. Eye. Anywho...) I asked him in all seriousness, "If that's what you wanted, what are you doing with me? You had to know the chances of me going all Coming-to-America-Whatever-You-Like were slim to negative damn none."

"I know. I know. I don't really want you to change. I just want you to be a little easier."

**crickets**

I won't get into a whole thing about how I'm really not that hard on him. Bless his heart that at nearly 18 months he can still get clueless from time to time. Nor will I point out that his own mama told me on the day she met me that the boy has been spoiled by women all his life and needs "a firm hand." None of that is here nor there. (It really isn't. Please don't write me a ton of comments about how he (or I) should know better, do better, speak better.)

Nor are we discussing "easy" as in dropping drawers for a Big Mac and fries. This is easy like Sunday morning easy, smooth sailing, few ripples on the water easy. Stay bougie with me, people.

Now that I've given the example, let's not make this about David and I. I'm taking this hypothetical- Why would a man who swears he wants an equal want a woman (for the long run) who just gives in all the time? I should think having someone just constantly cosign would be exhausting. Far more exhausting than debating divergent points of views and settling on a compromise? Or am I being naive?

And I wonder from both points of view - does a woman want a man she can bend to her will at ease? Is doormatism really hot in the streets? Fellas? Ladies? Thoughts, insights, comments? Do share...

BMcK foolishness and the #StaySexyStruggle

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:00:00 +0000

[Disclaimer - I have long been a Brian McKnight fan. I will admit that I own the entire BMcK discography. I could write a series of books just from scenes in my life with a Brian soundtrack. Okay? Okay.]

So whilst I was away, the Secret Service got busted over Latin American heauxnanigans because they were too cheap to come up off a fiddy. Romney stopped hiding the fact that he's a bigoted elitist idiot. The NFL Draft was more "we'll just have to see how this all works out" than ever. Deion continued his public (and ill-advised) beef with the next soon-to-be-former Mrs. Sanders. And one of my Neo-Soul heroes, Brian McKnight, done lost his damn mind.

Out of all this foolishness, the only thing I truly care to delve into is B. McK's descent into "oh no he didnt"-ness. For those unaware, Mr. McKnight, noted R&B crooner (self-professed poonhound and "relationship expert") decided to drop a little knowledge in the form of a song. In the preview of an upcoming "adult mixtape" Brian shared with the world a tune he lovingly entitled, "If you're ready to learn" - just a little public service announcement to the ladies who need to be more in tune with how their vijayjays work. Yes ladies - Monsieur McKnight wants to "show you how your p***y works" and even finds a way to add catchy rhymes and dulcet beats.

In the wake of a social media beatdown, Bri-Bri took down the video. But, I'm here to tell Mr. McKnight: I understand, bro. Setting aside the fact that you are not a gynecologist, a sex therapist or even still a sex symbol at this point... I still understand, sir. That struggle to stay relevant, cutting edge, and engaging?

I get it, Mr. McKnight. I get it. Once upon a time, you were the shiznit (that word dates both of us, I know). Time was the mere mention of Brian McKnight and one of his songs had a direct gravitational pull on Vicki's drawers. They fell, they flew, they disappeared. Songs raced up the charts, women fell at his feet, people stopped comparing him to his older brothers from Take 6 and the world of Mr. McKnight was platinum plated.

Something happened, I don't know. I saw something where Brian was a judge for a Miss Apple Bottoms jeans contest and that's when I figured his career and his #CocoaSexy had taken a turn. Sometime after Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda and before Fall 2.0 (which though not his best was at least decent) - something went awry. Was it the divorce, the talk show, the corner turn from dude in hat to cap-daddy? I don't know.

Allow me to share something with BMcK and my readers that people find hard to accept. Time comes when you are not the hottest thing in the room. It's tough not to want to get that spotlight back. Believe me. For all of us women who strutted around daring anyone to hate on our fabulosity, the moment when you walk in a room and not every head turns (or not a single head turns) because someone cuter/younger/skinnier/more vibrant walked in behind you - it's a reality check. The ability to be okay when you don't get twenty head turns but get that one slow smile with the appreciative head nod - grownupness.

I was talking to a male friend of mine the other day who finally turned a corner. He was standing in the hottest club with the hottest girls, drinking the newest premium vodka and felt both detached and exhausted. I laughed because I've been there. I've been up in the club/at the party looking around wondering why I was there.

Not that we don't love a good party, not that it's not important to look your best - but please, please learn when you no longer have to be the life of that party. Please recognize that it's useless to be forty competing with a twenty year old. I was talking to my teenaged niece about this. We were discussing the lyrics of a Pussycat Dolls song (I know but sometimes you have to speak at their level) - "Number One chick when I step up on the scene." I related that the day would come when not only did she not care about being number one, she wouldn't care about the scene either.

There comes a time when the #StaySexyStruggle is real. We get real jobs, find ourselves in long relationships, have kids, gain or lose weight, tangle with family, juggle money problems, battle illness, stare down drama, bounce back from disappointment... it goes on and on. And with each thing, some of that #StaySexy slips away. Look, it's hard to step back into those stilettos when you've been rocking ballet flats. Fellas know that if they get used to sweatpants and t-shirt life, it's hard to put the suit and the dress shoes on. And really it's not even so much the exterior, it's the #StaySexy attitude - a mindset that you are the best that you can be and everybody better love it or leave it alone. Life sometimes erodes that. You have to hold on it. But you gotta learn to #StaySexy in your own lane.

I don't care if you still have the body, a 50-year old woman should never be dressing like her 25-year old daughter on club night. There is an entire set of comedic routines based on that "old dude in the club" steez for a reason. Does anyone remember the discomfort when Justin Bieber and Usher did a song/dance routine at one of those reward shows about a year back? Watching the two of them - Usher looked liked a creepy older slower uncle. And Ush still has some sexy left in him, just not while standing next to a teenager. Like Madonna at the Superbowl? Madonna still has some hotness but the lazy gyrating next to people who weren't born when her first album dropped did not reflect well on her. Diddy Dirty Money? He looked dirty alright. Shall I go on?

Okay, on the flip - who watched last week's Grey's Anatomy? If you missed it, Chief Webber (James Pickens Jr) finally got his groove back (yes, I'm dating myself - stay with me) by having some super steamy grown folk time with Mama Avery (played by the still vibrant Debbie Allen). Now that's what I'm talking about. Grown folks don't talk about it, they be about it.

Bri-Mac: What we do here, stays here man! (it does not go instructional on YouTube to piano accompaniment) C'mon - that's like a grown and sexy anthem! But this right here? The crooning about ladyparts and how they work might be sexy if you were still 22 (I so very much doubt it but let's move on) - but at 40+ it just comes across as a desperate attention-seeking stunt from that old guy at the club. Don't be that guy. (And for the record, yes - I called out Trey Songz when he thought he invented sex too) And in the meantime, #StaySexy, my friends.

Who understands what I'm talking about with this #StaySexyStruggle? Can I get a witness? What the hell was Brian thinking? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Bougie Down... for more than a minute

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Good folks, I'm out for minor surgery. I'll be back, better than ever before you can really miss me. Chat amongst yourselves. *waves*

Blast from the past

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:55:00 +0000

Hi there, good people - Happy Monday. Crazy week ahead alas no Fresh Bouge. So today, a few from the archives for you:

Enjoy!

We're Southern... not stupid

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 15:55:00 +0000

Over the course of the past few weeks, significant shade has been thrown at Ben Crump, the attorney for Trayvon Martin's family. Attorney Crump is not a natural orator and his Southern seeps into every single (and sometimes extra) syllable. Many have assumed that because his speech is so very "Urban Floridian" that this somehow reflects his legal prowess and/or brain power. It's both an insult and a mistake to assume this.

I don't know how many of you heard Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Magic Johnson or Deion Sanders (countless others) back in the day before the professional speech coaches got hold of them. Not. Pretty. I mention this to say that Mr. Crump requires a speech coach or a smoother spokesperson and nothing more. I'll admit when I first heard Mr. Crump, I longed for the silver-tongued effervescence of Johnnie Cochran. And then I went and looked up brother Crump's bio.

He has quite the track record of impressive wins and tackling improbable causes and coming out on top. He has worked hand in hand with Rev Al, Rev Jesse and other activists to shine light on racial injustice. He is considered a bright and talented legal mind with a shimmering future ahead. And he wears a navy suit rather well. (Sorry, just a sidebar. Moving on...)

As a child of the South, I grew up amongst a variety of accents and dialects. My mother speaks a very crisp combination of polished Baltimoran and syrupy Georgian. My father spoke British West Indian. I went to private school for the first 10 years of education so my Texan only comes out with I'm tired, tipsy or around a whole lot of twanging.

I distinctly remember in my teens being on a group trip to New York where the other teens asked us, "So do you have horses and stuff? You sound like you live on a ranch." And they were stunned when we wiped the floor with them at the academic decathlon.

Don't let the accent fool you.

I will admit that I cringe (we were having this discussion on Twitter the other day) when I hear folks adding an R (or an R-uh) in where none sat previously. What is an uRsher board? Or when someone adds an extra "ed" to the end of a conjugated verb "I loveded you, girl!" Hearing the English language mangled unapologetically sets my teeth on edge but I'd never mistake it for lack of intelligence. Lack of polish? Yes. Naivete that "others" won't hear that mangled speech and be dismissive? Yes.

So I do see both sides. As a Southerner, I get how a pronounced accent tends to send a certain message. As a Southerner who was drilled on "proper" speech patterns and enunciation, it's a sore point when others in the public eye don't do the same. But I can't shade a man for his diction when his dedication and delivery of service are so on point.

Just had to share. Thoughts, comments, insights?

Hashtag Wednesday - #WordsForthePresident

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:45:00 +0000

BougieSis attended an event for the President yesterday. [Yes, I'm hatin!] Food and beverage was served, John Legend performed and the Prez wowed the crowd with his usual flawless delivery. She did not get a chance to speak with him personally but I wondered... what to say if you have one moment to speak with President Obama?

Hence today's hashtag: #WordsforthePresident.

Mine? "Feel free to kick Romney's ass" - no?

or "Can you Seal Team Six George Zimmerman?"

or "Good looking out on the equal pay for women thing."

or "Please visit Black 'n Bougie dot com"

Clearly, I have no clue what I would say once I got over the urge to squeal. "You totally rock!"

What say you? If you had that moment, what would your #WordsforthePresident be?

Crime has no color (nor does idiocy)

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Let's first present this shiggty (guised as lessons he tells his children) from John Derbyshire of the National Review without preface:

(10a) Avoid concentrations of blacks not all known to you personally.

(10b) Stay out of heavily black neighborhoods.

(10c) If planning a trip to a beach or amusement park at some date, find out whether it is likely to be swamped with blacks on that date (neglect of that one got me the closest I have ever gotten to death by gunshot).

(10d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of blacks.

(10e) If you are at some public event at which the number of blacks suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible.

(10f) Do not settle in a district or municipality run by black politicians.

(10g) Before voting for a black politician, scrutinize his/her character much more carefully than you would a white.

(10h) Do not act the Good Samaritan to blacks in apparent distress, e.g., on the highway.

(10i) If accosted by a strange black in the street, smile and say something polite but keep moving.

(11) The mean intelligence of blacks is much lower than for whites. The least intelligent ten percent of whites have IQs below 81; forty percent of blacks have IQs that low. Only one black in six is more intelligent than the average white; five whites out of six are more intelligent than the average black. These differences show in every test of general cognitive ability that anyone, of any race or nationality, has yet been able to devise. They are reflected in countless everyday situations. “Life is an IQ test.”

I have questions -

1. They still MAKE people like this?

2. What kind of event is he talking about where black folks just flood in all of sudden?

3. I notice he didn't reference his source for those IQ stats? The KKK newsletter perhaps? Aryan Nation Weekly?

4. So the fact that the burglar I caught in my house (in a predominantly non-black neighborhood) was white means... what?

5. The fact that the one time someone tried to snatch my purse, it was a white person in a sea of white people means... what?

6. The only time I feared being gunned down, the gun was being held by someone not of African descent means... what?

7. By the way, if these were rules 10-11, I'm scared to know what 1-9 might have been.

Let's piggyback the aforementioned idocy with the email I received from a Guy calling himself White Night:

We don't know each other, let's you and me tell the truth. All of your relationship issues stem from the fact that you need a strong white man who isn't intimidated by your afrrican power to tame you. You only love Obama because he's half white. And if Trayvon Martin was a white kid you wouldn't care. Why don't you try being black, bougie and believable?

Are you still blinking with disbelief at your screen as I did for several minutes after reading this? This guy gave me "permission" to publish his email address but I say why? To give him the attention he so obviously seeks? No. Thank. You. I want to respond but I'm too busy cackling to say anything besides - huh? What ya'll know about my African Power? Does that come bottled or in a cream based formula? Here are my answers:

1. I've never had a white guy offer to whip it out and tame me. I'll take #IgnantforAnyRace for $1000, Alex. I'm confused, is dude trying to chastise me or date me?

2. Obama shade is so passe unless you're running for national office. In which case, carry on.

3. If Trayvon Martin was white, he'd still be alive today.

4. I can't fit black 'n bougie 'n believable on the banner.

BougieLand, do discuss. Thoughts, comments, insights? Gotta response for White Night?

Is it too much to ask for some Jesus on Easter?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:35:00 +0000

I was at church yesterday. I've been attending this church on and off for about nine years. It's a large non-denominational multicultural congregation. There were three campuses, five church services and if you still couldn't make it, the Sunday services streamed live on the internet. I went to new member class, joined what they called "life groups" and started doing some mentoring of the youth. My devotion to this church has waxed and waned as the head pastor's teeth got more white, hair got more shellacked and suits got more Italian. But Sunday was really the last straw for me.

Of course it was packed up, I expected that on Easter. And of course, there was a lot of "extracurricular" activity with singing and praise dancing and a children's program. Special offering, regular offering, outreach offering. Feeling impatient at one point, I glanced down at my watch. Over 45 minutes had passed and not a single word about Jesus rising? On Easter Sunday? If this was a news cast, isn't that the lead story?

It's enough that society has turned Easter into a bunny-hopping, chocolate eating, egg-hunting shoportunity?? I didn't expect that commercialization in my church.

It's not that I wanted to hear the same old, same old "He is Risen, get right or you won't be" sermon that many a pastor trots out for the occasion. But can we get some reference to King Jesus in the first hour of service? I can tell you where are the outreach programs are going to be this week and what we need to raise another $10 million for but you can't tell me anything about Jesus? When he finally got to preaching, it came across as very sterilized, commercial and stale. I went home and fired up the podcast of my former pastor in the Bay Area to get some kind of spiritual substance in.

I think sometimes when a church becomes very successful the focus becomes less about the kingdom of heaven and more about the kingdom of the church. Le Sigh. And now I have to find a new church home. As anyone who has ever gone hunting for one will attest, it's more than a notion. I think I'd like to go back to midsize for a little while. Not so small that they won't start service until you get there. But not so large that you can go three Sundays in a row and never see the same people twice.

BougieLand, if you are a churchgoer - how did you find your church home? Is it too much to ask for a little Jesus on Easter Sunday? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Ask a Bougie Chick - Why is Easter such a big deal?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Happy Good Friday all and hope you enjoy your Easter weekend. I've been hanging on to this one and now here we are. We have a gentleman just turned 30 who is in a relationship with a woman a few years older. They've been seeing each over for a little less than a year with only a few hiccups along the way. Take a look..

OneChele,

I like the blog, you have an interesting perspective. I turned 30 two weeks ago, I live outside of Phoenix in a decent condo with my black lab. I work a very boring but bill paying 9 - 5 and I've been seeing a great woman who is four years older than me for almost a year.

We're getting along well except when it comes to church and holidays. She is very close to her family and very much of a church goer. My family is scattered around and I could take or leave church. I believe in God but I'm not a fan of organized worship. For most of the holiday weekends or celebrations, she goes to her parents' house and there's usually a cookout and a gathering of family and friends. Most Sundays she attends church with her family and then they have a meal.

I usually join in once every six weeks or so but every weekend is too much for me. The big disagreement came when I mentioned that it would be nice to go away for Easter weekend. She looked at me like I personally put Jesus on the cross. Easter is for church and family, she said. If I didn't get that, maybe I didn't understand her at all.

Am I being unreasonable to want to take my girlfriend away for a holiday weekend? What's the big deal about Easter anyway? And do I come off like a jerk if I say I don't want to spend every Sunday with her family? Look forward to hearing your thoughts and the BnB readers.

T in Phoenix

Hi T-

I'll keep this one short and sweet. First, you are right - it's not at all fair for her to expect you to spend every Sunday with her fam. Second, church is important to her so this is something that if you stay together, you will have to work out. Third, you are not being unreasonable to want to take your girlfriend away for a holiday weekend BUT... Fourth (and final), Easter is pretty much the cornerstone upon which Christianity stands. Even half-assed believers carry themselves to church or some flavor of celebration on Easter Sunday. Knowing your girlfriend is as faith-based as she is, you have to respect that. Overall, I think a conversation about expectations and what's next is in your immediate future. Good luck!

BougieLand? Whatcha got for T today? Family, Easter, Church-going - what to do?

Ask a Bougie Chick: Will my past come back to haunt me?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Today's letter comes from a young lady with an unorthodox past who wonders how it will affect her future. Without further ado...

Hello Michele,

I'm a big fan of your blog and have been reading for almost two years. I have a question I was hoping you and everyone else could weigh-in on. I'm a 25 year old woman, college educated, well traveled, well adjusted,employed and all that jazz. I used to be a sex worker(escort mainly, though I dabbled in stripping and domme-ing). It was something that I did for about nine months while in undergrad. Do I regret it? Sometimes. Mainly no because financially it was beneficial but it was emotionally taxing at times. I haven't had much dating experience but have had a relationship since I got out of that biz. My ex knew about it pretty early in and was cool with it, though he's European so I don't know if that factored into it. Lately I've been wondering if my past will dramatically affect my future romantic relationships. I was very safe as a sex worker so no problems health wise. Should I tell potential significant others about my past? If so, when? Also, do you think that my past will be a deal breaker with most men? Any words you have would be appreciated.

Thanks,

"Scarlet" in New York

Scarlet,

I know you've written in before about this and I hesitated to post/answer because it's not the bougiest of topics. However if I step back from the sexual aspect of it and think of this as "there's something in my past that not everyone will be on board with" then I can answer the same way. You should tell when the relationship starts getting serious. Far better to hear it from you then someone else and let's be clear, as my Aunt Violet used to say: the truth will out. It always rears it's head in one way or the other.

As for whether most men will have a problem with it? I'll have to put it to the brethren. I would have some reflection and thinking to do if I found out my boyfriend has a similar past. Let's put this to BougieLand, do you think Scarlet should tell her s/o's? Fellas, would have issues dating a woman with her past? Ladies, thought? Do share. But keep it bougie...

Ask a Bougie Chick - Is he worth the wait?

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 16:00:00 +0000

Today a young lady wonders if the guy she met is for real and worth her continued investment. Take a look and weigh in.

Hi Chele,

How are you? I'm having a guy issue and wanted to ask you about it. Love your blog by the way, I am a faithful reader.

About 2 months ago, I met a guy "D" at a party I had at my apartment. A mutual friend brought him and I guess he was into me, because he asked my friend for my number. We started texting the next day. D was in Atlanta for the weekend looking for an apartment because he planned to move from Houston 2 weeks after I met him. Two weeks turned into 1 month because his aunt died right before he was set to leave. Now one month has turned into "indefinitely" because his mother has ended up in the hospital and he is going to stay in Houston to care for her and help cover some of the bills until she gets better. I am definitely understanding and compassionate, knowing that if my mom were in that situation, she would be my top priority. From the day after I met him until about 3 days ago, D and I have talked on the phone or exchanged text messages almost daily. I think he's a great person and I was excited for him to move to my city so we could continue getting to know each other and maybe take it further.

But now I'm starting to feel antsy. He hasn't even been back to Atlanta for a visit, and doesn't know when he will be able to take that trip. He has no idea when he'll finally be able to move to Atlanta. I don't really want to carry on this phone-based interaction much longer when there's no prospect or promise of us moving forward.

I also have that cynical voice in the back of my head that wonders if D is 100% real with me. I only met him about 2 months ago, and all I've had to go on is his word. The guy who introduced us vouches for D, but I personally haven't spent any time with him. It's not like we hung out alot in Atlanta before he went back to Houston--we met, and days later he was in Texas again. I've never gotten the feeling that he's lying to me, but I feel like I need to be wise and not naive. I just watched a show on ID about a man who made up elaborate stories about his parents and children dying and they were all lies! I know that's extreme, but still.

He seems to be a great guy and we have great conversations. We laugh, we "get" each other, and we really click. I really want to see where this thing can go, but that can't happen until he's finally able to make the move to Atlanta (at least I don't feel like it can). A couple days ago I basically told him that I really don't think I can keep up all this phone talking and texting, and I really want him to come to Atlanta at least for a visit. He said he will when we can, but can't make any promises right now.

Am I being unreasonable? Too impatient? Should I give him more time given his tough family circumstances? Should we stop talking everyday and just let some time pass? Should I stop caring because I don't really know know him?

Also, not sure if you think age matters, but we're pretty young here. I'm 23 and he's 24. He was coming to Atlanta for an internship and to finish school.

-Brianna in the A

Hey Bri! Thanks for being a faithful reader. We LOVE that. :) I say, at this point, no harm done. If you aren't seeing anyone else and all he's using up is your cell phone minutes and you're enjoying yourself, roll with it. The truth (good bad or ugly) will come to light eventually and then really all you've done is spend some time having great conversation with a guy you like. If you meet someone else or get information that puts him in a negative light, you can walk away. That's just my two cents.

BougieLand, what say you?

Ask a Bougie Chick - She doesn't date dark chocolate

noreply@blogger.com (One Chele) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 12:00:00 +0000

I'm so mad about this letter, I could throw something. Not my laptop because it's new. *flings ballpoint pen across the room and kicks over trashcan* I simply refuse to believe that in 2012 we are still coming at each other with the paper bag test. *sighs and picks up trashcan* Read this letter and weep with me.

Hi Chele,

Serial lurker here. I'm a 22 y/o guy, college student in DC. I found your blog by Googling "What do Bougie People do?" Your blog came up five times on the first page. Hat tip for cornering the bougie market :). Anyway, I had the oddest thing happen to me over spring break and I wanted to share and get your thoughts on it.

I've been seeing a girl (Cheyanne) since just before Christmas. She is very attractive, funny, intelligent and focused. When we started dating she kept saying over and over again how she didn't usually date guys like me. I thought she meant tall, handsome, smart, a catch in every way. (I'm joking but I'm not modest haha) Things were going well. She's from Charlotte and I'm from outside of Charleston so we drove home for spring break. I stopped in to meet her family and was supposed to stay for a few days.

When we pulled up to her house she said not to worry if her parents didn't like me at first. I really couldn't think why except for the fact that I was dating their baby girl. When they opened the door and saw me, their faces fell and then I knew. I was dressed well, hair cut, and hadn't even said anything. They were all light-skinned, I'm very chocolately.

I introduced myself and reached out to shake her father's hand and he hesitated and then shook it. Her mom took her into the other room and I could hear them talking. Her mother distinctly said, "He's too dark for you. You know how things are." Cheyanne said, "I know but I really like him." Her father waved me in the house and walked away. I turned around, set her bags inside the door and left. She called three days later and apologized. We got back to campus a week ago and I haven't decided if I'm going to see her. I want to see her but I'm not sure I should.

It never occurred to me that colorism is still an issue to this level. Racism yes, colorism though? It's one thing not to want your daughter to date outside the race but outside the skintone too? She had mentioned an Indian heritage and being able to trace her family tree back to colonial days which I thought was cool but not if it means her whole fam is about not diluting the bloodlines with any darkies. WTH, Chele? Have you ever seen something like this before? I really like this girl but I don't think I'm ready to be her exotic experiment.

-XinDC

Hey X. Sad to say I have. I'm on the caramel latte side of the brown skin scale. I distinctly recall one of the mothers in Jack & Jill lamenting that my mother and brother were darker skinned and that I was the only one really "suitable". Suffice it to say, there were no more play dates at their house. I once dated a very light-skinned dude whose sister held a grocery bag to my face and told me to stay out of the sun before I met their mother. Can you say cut pile? On the flip, I've had someone implore me to get some sun because I was looking passe blanc. :-/

I've heard ignant women say they don't trust light-skinned black men because they think they are too pretty. I've heard men say they would only date dark-skinned girls because they are more authentically black. Suffice it to say they are still plenty of uber-ratchet thoughts, words and deeds about skin color out there.

I've dated everything from vanilla to double dutch espresso - wait, that made me sound a little sleazy plus coffee obsessed. What I mean to say is what's under the skin is mo' betta than the color of it. Sounds like she needs more work on her inner beauty.

Only you can decide if you like the girl enough to put up with whatever her color-struck issues are. I'm so confused - her parents don't hang out with any people darker than they are? Or they are okay to hang out with but not to date? For cause why? Maybe she's been extremely sheltered and doesn't know any better? (Hard to accept since she's in Charlotte and not a one stoplight town) The fact that her father hesitated to shake your hand suggests a pathology that runs deeper than the waters you might want to tread in. Plus it took her three days to call you and apologize? Doesn't sit well with me and I don't even know you.

BougieLand, what say you? If you were X, what what you do? Thoughts, insights, comments?