Black Zedd Basic Literature

How To Handle A Stupid Boss

2009-06-24T12:58:00.001+08:00

Yes it is possible that your boss is a hard-worker, he stays back every day. He can be a great communicator- he speaks with charm, and have a boatloads of charisma, his bosses and superiors adore him.

But at the same time, it is also possible that he’s stupid. He can’t get even a simple job done on his own. He’s incompetent in the technical sides of everything, repeating the same mistakes every time. He’s a slow learner, repetitively questioning your work unnecessarily, insisting he’s right over and over again.

And at the end of the day, he’ll take all the credits, unbeknown to his superiors that your boss is nothing without you.

And I understand how this annoys you. Your work becomes 10 times more complicated, the arguments and repetitive briefings mean it took longer time to finish even the simplest tasks, and it all ends up with him getting the compliments.

As usual, you can stop this.

Let his superiors know…

Plant time bomb in your work

In your report, plant some intentional errors that he, because of his naivety, won’t detect. Let’s hope the report gets submitted to his superiors and they notice the mistakes and tick him off for submitting a report full of flaw…which obviously proves that he’s incompetent, or someone else is doing his job and he didn’t bother/know how to check.

Sabotage his meetings/presentation

If you prepare materials for his meetings and presentations, always leave crucial but basic information out of his slides, files or notes. When he’s in the middle of the meeting/presentation, he’ll come to a complete halt because of those omitted simple facts. This will publicly prove that he doesn’t have even the basic knowledge, and will trigger an inquisition into his past work and credibility.

Stamp at footer and docs info

If he repetitively take credits for everything you do, stamp your work documents with ‘prepared by [your name]’ in places he’ll find it hard to edit. In Word’s documents for example, type your name in the footer. Even better, in PowerPoint's slide, use the slide master.

Let him know…

Quietly submits application for training on his behalf

Apply, quietly for him, for basic training courses (How To Use Microsoft Office) or other classes deemed only suitable for complete noobs and beginners (like him). Look at how he’ll sit back and wonder whether he actually needs the training and struggles to rationalize the reasons he doesn’t need one.

Flaunt your credentials everywhere

Use your cubicle as your gigantic resume: hang your professional certificates, technical credentials, your academic achievements..anything that speaks you’re technically more qualified than him in every single way possible.

Always use jargons to speak with him in public

He’ll struggle to keep up with the technical side of the conversation, and will try hard to prove to the others he knows what he’s talking about, looking like an idiot all the way.

Let’s hope this combo of awareness will neutralize him out of your way- let’s hope he’ll learn some respect for you.

……Just don’t forget to abuse that respect as a revenge.

You should also read: How To Handle Your Raging Boss

How Corporate Practices Can Change The World

2009-06-15T17:05:00.001+08:00

The decision by Maggie Whitman, former C.E.O of EBay and the poster girl for corporate women, to run for the Governor of California splits the opinion poll. Can a woman fix one of the world’s largest economy?

What’s interesting is how her supporters are pulling behind her track record- how she managed to fix the company and grow it tenfold. The consensus among them is that if you can fix corporate organizations, you can fix anything. After all it’s all about management isn’t it.

So let’s see how we can use the corporate methodology to fix the world.

Global warming: The buzz that struggles to gain momentum

The global warming is a hype that, although spreading like a wildfire, tends to be put off quickly. So, in order to enhance our message for the long run, we should let the environment deteriorate so that the people can get the actual feel of the effect.

We should save all the money from those ineffective promotional stunts for the restoration work, which will garner a more effective support from the public. It’s a more efficient strategy.

Strategies involved: product demonstration, budget allocation strategy

Energy depletion: The struggles to pick the alternatives

Debates after debates can’t resolve the million dollar question: which alternative is the best? Proponents of different alternatives (like solar, nuclear) continuously discredit each other. By us being skeptical to one another, the depleting conventional energies won hands down. Let’s suppress the skeptics.

Give free demo samples to the public to test themselves- hand out mini-plants powered by the alternatives like solar panel and the nuclear mini reactor, to power their homes. Let the people decide based on their experience.

Strategies involved: free samples, crowd-sourcing

Terrorism: The affect of being terrorized by the terror threat

Today, terrorists would just have to issue a public threat, sit back, and let the paranoid response from the public do the damage. To quell this phobia, let’s organize an intensive press releases- let’s tell the world that we’re not afraid of terrorism, they’re our friends, we’re mutually benefiting entity.

Strategies involved: PR damage control, branding and positioning

The plagues (AIDS, H1N1): The effort to increase action taken

Let’s infect random people in a wide range of geography. Let the public be the vector- for both the disease and the message. This is an effective way to capitalize word of mouth where the patients, as a walking endorser, can reach a wider audience.

It’s more credible and wide-targeting than any paid advertisements can do, so let’s hope it will persuade more actions.

Strategies involved: Word-of-mouth marketing, endorsement tactics

Economy- Light at the end of the tunnel

The current economy, in optimism speak, is the dark tunnel with the light at the end of it. But the problem is, the light is in the opposite direction. We’re more and more into the mess the more we progress.

Well, it’s obvious that the corporate world can’t fix the economy. Because it’s the cause of the fall in the first place. So, step back, and let the government fix it. Only they can do it now.

Strategy involved: Bankruptcy protection

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Don’t Let Your Subordinates Steal Your Job

2009-05-28T13:02:00.001+08:00

The ugly side of being a manager is the ratio of people fighting for your job.

You alone : All your subordinates

As the probability of you being an awesome manager is remote, therefore I conclude that you’re not competent enough to be the best person for the job compared with your subordinate.

But wait. Don’t succumb to the vanity mirror. Here’s how you can reduce the probability of you being replaced by your star subordinate.

Restrain them - Reinforce fear

Motivation is yesterday’s tool. Don’t motivate people to polish their performance, or your top management will soon realize you’re outshined by your subordinate. Use fear instead to keep them going, so that they’ll perform just to be in the safe zone, not the ‘excellent’ zone.

Break them - Discourage teamwork

As I’ve mentioned earlier, a well-organized team will lead to a well-organized resistance. You’re too weak to face that. Break them apart. In a meeting, they should only talk to you. They shall not work in pairs. If possible, they should work in different floors. Or different country. Whatever necessary.

Weaken them - Be vague

Don’t be precise in your orders. Give hints, not directions. Train them to read your mind. Next, change your mind often. This way, in the event of failure, your management principle is not to be blame, because you have none. You can now blame your subordinates for their lack of apprehension in the way you work.

Spy them - Select your clandestine agent

Quickly pick your favorite among your colleagues and promote them as your sarjeant-at-arms. This person must be, or, have the potential to be, your most loyal fan in the department. This person will be your eyes and ears, in the office wherever you’re not around. This person is your department’s Secret Police, so you’ll know any plan for coup-d’etat and eliminate the threat before the Operation Valkyrie commence.

Discourage them - Keep your succession planning public

You should analyze your subordinates according to the threat they posed to your position. In ascending order, list down your preferences of successor. The least threatening subordinate will be the top progeny in your succession planning. Your most threatening rival will know he/she doesn’t stand a chance to be promoted and will call it a quit, literally.

Re-observe The Labor Day

2009-05-01T12:29:00.000+08:00

Oh..It’s the time of the year again for laborers to get their ‘well-deserved’ break again. Yeay. It’s labor day. Although other countries might call it International Worker’s Day, The May Day, The Worker’s Day, Holiday of National Labor, Day of Labor, The Day of Spring and Labor…however crappy the name is, it’s a day to celebrate.

But not here in my company. They don’t get my blessing to go on leave today, despite the usual demonstration, rally, march, parade and other anti-capitalist-like events.

Not like before. Exactly 365 days ago when I wrote about labor day I gave the day off to my employees, but things have changed so much then, the break is no-longer relevant. The tides have changed. The economy is going down badly, employment is a scarce commodity. Company owners like me has a bigger bargaining power right now, so employee unions are relegated to the has-been this very day.

We’re a beaten superman. Why unions are our kryptonite.

The bullish market, which was doing so well until the crash, has stumbled. With companies struggling with their balancing act in this economy, we don’t need disruptors. The employee union can be one. They’ll fight for whatever they see necessary with no conceivable limit.

Take the United Auto Workers (UAW) for example. They paralyzed the big three’s coffers with their stupid demand for retiree’s pension and healthcare treatment. How such a large union can cross the stupidity boundary continues to amuse us, but it seems that the following is true:

2 brainless heads is stupider than one.

That, coupled with the tipping point theory:

When something reaches certain level (the tipping point), the momentum for change becomes unstoppable.

When greed (and stupidity) passes along the ranks and proportionately becomes greater with the number of union members, it will become unstoppable at one point. It will reach the stage where any employee union can effectively run the respective company through blackmailing. They’ll command everything their way with the help of the legal strike.

The problem lies when they’re not the owner of the company, thus they don’t have the sense of ownership and the responsibility to sustain it for the long run. They’ll skim every possible benefit from the company until it’s out of shape, and when bankruptcy is the only viable option guess who’s the loudest kvetch?

The union.

So right now we need stability and the peace of mind to get us on our foot again. Emotions are running high, negativity is in the air. Stupidity is everywhere. To prevent the stupidity from reaching the tipping point and hence being a controlling force, we must disable the medium. WE MUST NOT ENCOURAGE unionized workforce.

So get back to work. No labor day celebration this year. More power to the capitalists like me!

A Thank You Letter For Employees

2009-04-09T14:29:00.001+08:00

Dear employees,

It’s been a while since I personally write to all of you, but this time around, the times are tough, I thought you guys need a lift in spirit. I’m writing this to inform you guys how thankful I am to have such a supportive and strong workforce under my wings- we’ve proven we’re able to fly through thick and thin.

First of all, thank you for sticking with this company. Even when you know we’re facing difficulties in sustaining our existence, you’re being a complete sport. Thank you for taking the pay cut. Thank you for not protesting the massive layoff we did in the recent months. Not that you have any choice, I guess being employed slave-like is much better than being unemployed, but anyway thank you very much.

I would also like to thank you for working very hard. Yes, so hard, even our board of directors noticed our achievements. Without your effort, I couldn’t afford the congratulations on my job well done. I couldn’t afford the millions of bonuses I got, I couldn’t afford the ‘savior’ status I was commended.. I even couldn’t imagine being in this Gulfstream jet (Mauritius is gorgeous!). Thank you again. You’ve sacrificed a lot to make all this possible- all while working in a harsher and poorer condition.

Again, I would like to thank you guys for being professional. I know it’s so hard to control your emotions during these hard times- all the uncertainties in the economy, the changes in the country, the morale of the society. Even though you’re mad only because you’re assigned twice the workload (from your unfortunate laid-off peers), and you have to work twice as hard, under half the budget (because of the massive cost-cutting), thank you for not rioting in front of the building, and thank you for keeping my courtesy Mercedes S600L scratch-free.

Please continue keeping your hands off my baby.

Furthermore, I would like to express my outmost gratitude to you for being desperate. I know without desperation, none of any sane being would continue to work for this company, under this challenging condition, with very potentially unfortunate circumstances (more details in the following paragraph). Thank you.

Lastly, thank you for being gullible- for believing this letter is indeed a thank-you note. For feeling appreciated. For feeling more motivated. Because by you feeling so, it’s easier to tell you that we will not give any bonus payouts this year, we are not done with the lay-offs, we will undergo more cruel budget cuts. All this just so that the company continues to have enough cash to honor my sumptuous compensation package.

Whatever it is, please remember we’re in this mess together. You’re neck-deep…. while lifting me up high and safe.

Thank you.

Your C.E.O.

The Corporate Duel: Women Vs Men

2009-03-31T15:23:00.001+08:00

We’re approaching an era where female may outnumber male in the the population figure, so empirically it’s a matter of time before we’ll see more woman command the top seats in the chain of commands.

But suffering from persistent sexism, prejudice and discrimination from the incumbent side of the gender war, can women uphold the natural selection and dominate the top position in the corporate world?

Basic Literature investigates Men Vs Women as a management personnel.

Women are emotionally unstable

Mood swings associated with menstrual pain, menopausal effects and other natural feminine instincts are affecting women and women alone. Expecting professionalism from women may be more difficult than from their male counterpart.

Men doesn’t have those medical reasons to bug them, so they can think straight and professional. They solve problems faster- through table-banging, chair-throwing and fist-fighting. They’re not emotional. Just physical.

Ah..the ever notorious Taiwanese Parliament..

Women need more leave days than men

Maternity leave is a constant nightmare for HR strategists. The fact that this lengthy break is protected by the labor law, coupled with the usual parental desire to have kids, mean there’s no walk-around to this apparent shortcoming of having woman in managerial positions. They can be missing during the most crucial times- and worst of all they’re still being paid.

Unlike women, men doesn’t have to go through these lengthy leaves, so men availability is much more reliable- a critical issue in any managerial position. Instead of taking a silly long break, men prefer to have short bursts of emergency leaves especially on Mondays and any other day they feel like not going to work.

Women’s commitment lies at home.

Traditionally it has been women who played the crucial role in managing the day-to-day operation of the family. They’re so good at them that this role is inherited from mother to daughter throughout the centuries. When the kids start to give trouble at home, mothers are more likely to respond because ‘it’s the nature’.

Men, meanwhile, doesn’t have this commitment limiting their movements. So they can focus more on the job at the office- which includes sexual harassments, love triangle, extra-marital affairs, cheating, adultery, two-timing, double-crossing..things that require them to ‘commit’ more time at the office.

Women will always fight against the odds

Historically, men always perform better than women as leaders. Look here:

What’s the similarity among these great people: Alexander The Great, King Leonidas, Achilles, Napoleon and Genghis Khan? Well, they’re great warriors and it’s obvious none of them are women.

Now, what about these people: Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Suharto? Well, they’re all famous leaders, but for the very wrong reasons.

Oops..And they’re all men.

How Companies Can Respond To The Crisis

2009-03-23T16:54:00.001+08:00

I hate to play around with this issue during this unfortunate time, but I’m part of the ‘What You See Is What You Write’ concept. Open the newspaper and every 10 out of 10 articles in the business section will have negative words about the economy being used.

“Halp…..”

So, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll now look into how companies can react to the state of this economic recession.

Integration

Involves acquisition of other organizations.

In this time, credit will be tight, so humongous spending like this would be very difficult to maneuver. So no, this strategy is useless.

Penetration

Working the ass to penetrate the market more. Multiplying the sales of the same product to the same market.

Nay. With employees morale at the bottom, no one wants to do more of the same work.

Development

Develop new product for the same market or new market for the same product.

Absurd. The investment to develop new product or entering new market will take years to start paying back. In this time, as jittery shareholders analyze companies' financial performance on a quarter-to-quarter basis, this idea of a strategy is nonsense.

Diversification

Get involved in something new for the company.

Too risky. Company would not have the necessary experience to play around with new unrelated business…with their plummeting coffers. Dismissed.

Retrenchment / Divestiture / Liquidation

Shrink the size of the company either through lay-offs, partial sale of company or complete selloff.

The only group of strategies which will require less investments, provide quick return, remove excess baggage, lessen the responsibility, silent the internal pressure, all while delivering the effective message for employees to step up their effort.

The drawbacks? Well..with this strategy, more people will be out of work, the social well-being will deteriorate, the economy will worsen…but wait..those have got nothing to do with the company.

So yes. This is the only strategy that will work in the current state of economy. Well of course other strategies will work too, but with the squeeze companies get from the economy today, being greed is the only option feasible.

So retrench, lay-off, let-go, cut down, reduce, trim, bring down..whatever the word is- it’s not what the economy needs, but hey..if you care about other people, join a charity. Not a corporate company.

Your Company: Grow Them Big or Stay Small?

2009-03-04T13:10:00.001+08:00

I know you must’ve been to dozens of seminars about thinking big, being a mega-oligarch, growing a business empire, IPO, internationalization, globalization, Fortune 500, Forbes Billionaires- and you’re now dreaming of sitting back in your Rolls or Maybach, taking phone calls conforming your billions of dividends, on your way to your yacht somewhere in the Riviera.

If the scenario above fits your dream, then you’re one of those suckers I’m about to address in my KISS principle:

Keep It Small Suckers!

You see, once your company has an employee base the size of a decent republic, and your offices are scattered across different continents, and your ticker symbol is on the main board, and a whole crap of people who are not related to you in any way are being appointed in the Board of Directors, the stakes will be too high for you.

You have to stay in control with less power, while continuously watching your back trying to achieve the impossible, all at the expense of yourself.

You have to stay in control…

With so many assets at stake, so many decisions to make, so few people to trust, this is where you’ll try to hold onto as much power as you can. You’ll try to be involved in every decision making process, try to be informed of every internal and external changes.

So many inputs to digest and so many multi-million decisions pending, your personal life will be relegated to the fringes- so is your family, your vacation, your health and your retirement.

With less power..

This is the state where you have to let go your control bit by bit and surrender them to the democratic power of the stakeholders- your employees, capitalists, governmental agencies, the public and other watchdogs.

This is the state where anarchy will oust you from power in 24 hours. This is where you actually letting go your company to someone else.

While watching your back…

With your revenue size comparable to the GDP of a developing country, you’ll be under the scrutiny of the corporate United Nations. Every decision you make will be analyzed by those securities commissions and the watchdogs to ensure you’re not hiding behind the corporate veil for your personal gain.

But with so many decisions to make through different corridors of powers, the chances of you screwing up would be big, so big you have to hire a whole law firm to bail you out.

And strive for the impossible…

With so many people to please, you’ll be skating on a thin ice. A small discontent would snowball into an anarchy. A displeased little napoleon would result to an economic blockade.

This is where you have to be as diplomatic as possible, sometimes with the help of a trick called ‘bribery’ just to keep every plan in motion smoothly and keep the stakeholders calm.

At the expense of yourself….

With your key divisional figureheads working in different time zones, this is where you have to literally stay awake at all time to communicate with them. And because there’s always something to communicate every nano-second in a mega corporation, you’ll have no rest until you Rest In Peace.

*****

Starting a company small is good. But growing it to be super big, hoping to sit back, retire early, enjoying your pay-check.. all while being the de-facto owner…. it’s too much of a dream. Because the stakes would be too high for you to play around.

So if you’re still thinking about growing a Fortune 500 company, this is how your dream should be: You’re standing in front of your Board of Directors, taking fire questioning your huge salary, on your way to the hospital for a bypass surgery. And all in your head, at that time, is: “will they remove me from office while I lie unconscious on the operating table?” And the only response to your question would be:

“I don’t care…as long I’m not behind bars”.

10 Best Excuses for Late Arrival

2009-02-26T02:07:00.001+08:00

Oh no! You’re late for work! What should you tell the green monster a.k.a. your boss? Luckily you found this list- the undetectable lies to save you and your sorry career.

Skip this list if you have the skills above..

Stomach/head ache
Traffic jam/accidents in your neighborhood / flat tire / car breakdown
Your shoe’s heels broke off and you have to go back home to change.
One of your children was trying to skip school and you went around looking for them.
Your neighbor doesn’t like your company and decided to sabotage your car.
You fought with your wife after she accused you of being a cheater. You decided not to stay back at the office again.
Acute case of sleepwalking- you woke up some 15 miles from your bed and took some time to walk back home
Being intimidated by a road bully, you had to break down and cry for a while.
You took the wrong turn at a junction and only realize it when you’re back in front of your house.
You’re not motivated enough by your current salary.

Ok, now that I’m done updating my blog, I have a good excuse on why I’ve been late in doing so. It’s because I’m too busy making money consulting my corporate clients to do some ‘cost-cutting measurements’. Of course it’s a funky way to say ‘firing people’.

I’m back to make sure your career is safe. And just so you know, I’ve changed the template of this blog to be more friendly on your eyes. After all, even your company won’t be this friendly to you- not in the state of the current economy.

How To Secure Your Job

2008-12-04T14:45:00.002+08:00

Citigroup last month announced one of the biggest layoff ever recorded- slashing 52,000 jobs. With a total of 220,000 people stopped receiving their paychecks from the financial sector alone, everyone working in banks, insurers and investment/trading institutions is now vulnerable.

If you think you’re in a different sector and you’re now safe, it’s safe to conclude that you’re not. The job cuts in the financial sector is not even half of the total 1 million layoffs made this year- so basically whatever sector you’re in, you’re in the hot soup. And we’re all aware that this is no chicken soup.

Frightening, I know. But don’t go berserk. Here are some Black Zedd’s tips to secure your job:

Steal your company’s money and hide them
You have a greater advantage if you work in the accounts’ department. Make sure you can divert a huge stash of the money and hide it somewhere in the Cayman Island. Tell your employer that retrenching you will cost more now.
Print a fake offer letter from your competitor
And convince your boss that every other ailing competitors see you as a savior. It will make them rethink any decision to let you go.
Report you boss’ wrongdoings

There’s lots of things you can report to lots of parties. Your boss arrived late in the office, he’s having an affair, he’s incompetent, he skipped a meeting for no reason..well, nobody is perfect.

Just pick a crime and report them to any of the following authority: the CEO, BOD, the shareholders, the labor union, the industry’s watchdog, the labor office or the press.
Or let’s be safe. Report everything to all of them. Hopefully he’ll be out of job before suggesting your name first.
Hire a hacker to erase employees data
Offer rewards to those who can hack into you company’s database and erase all employee data. This should leave your employers clueless about who to retrench, and will give you more time to ‘reset’ your reputation and work your ass off.
Kidnap a member of the HR director’s family for a ransom
There’s no guessing what you’ll ask in exchange: your unconditional employment for the next [insert number] years.
Get involved in a car accident
And thank heaven for the various discrimination policies that’ll prevent you from being fired while sick (check with your state laws first). This is only useful for smaller companies which will not let you go for the sake of ‘restructuring’. See here.
Get arrested and remanded

..for a crime you didn’t commit. Conspire with your neighbor, for example, to launch an anonymous fake report about you doing something unlawful.

Pick a crime that will take ages to investigate. If your company tries to let you go, cry foul of discrimination. By the time you’re out of the lockups, hopefully the dust has settled and your job is safe. Even if you’re laid off for getting arrested, you can sue them, with cost, for punishing you based on a crime you didn’t commit, tarnishing your good name and causing mental anguish. Retirement fund. Yay.

Advertising To Children: What Ethic?

2008-11-30T11:48:00.000+08:00

Your mother must have told you, back then when you were little “Don’t talk to strangers”. It’s a classic advice. Children are susceptible- they’re easily tricked, they lack a good sense of judgment, and can be emotionally driven by their desires.

Which is..

..for businesses to target. Marketers have tried to exploit the vulnerabilities of these younglings, but since they're not allowed to talk to strangers, it seems, at first glance, the chances to court them are pretty slim.

Luckily, there’s this electronic box that can quickly transform itself into a powerful subliminal hypnosis machine- it’s called TELEVISION. And we know children love TVs a lot. And they're easily swayed by nice advertisements.

There are so many ways we can get into their family’ wallet- as proven by the $600 billion sales children under 12 influenced years ago. Television is a hell good example. You’re never a stranger once you’re on air.

Even if your businesses are not selling children-related items, advertising to children is still awesome because exposing your brands to young kids are like sowing the seeds of loyalty- they’re going to grow up being acquainted with your brand name.

It can court unsuspecting kids, capitalizing on their emotionally-driven judgment, and lure them into fulfilling your desire.

If you’re already advertising to children, congratulations. You have the same characteristic with a pedophile.

How To Reduce Employees Absenteeism

2008-11-27T02:03:00.001+08:00

Employees skip the day at the office for various reasons. The problem is, some of those reasons are valid and legal. We can blame the employee union for that, but of course you need a lot of cash and a link with a Sicilian family to make them shut-up (or disappear).

Your employees can call in sick. Or cite family reasons. Even worse, they just tried to call it a day and you fell for it- thus voluntarily giving them the day off. Or you’re just one of those incompetent managers that managed to land the job because you’re somebody’s nephew, and you don’t command any respect. Your people took turns to go AWOL. Whatever it is, the problem of absenteeism must be stopped.

You can give your employees incentives to come in and work.

But no. To pay people to do the job they’re paid for in the first place is much worse than bribing. Furthermore your company is a cheapskate- which explains why they’re so demoralized to come in, so what makes you think you can get the budget allocation?

So try these approaches instead:

Send all employees to boot-camp

This is no ordinary training or seminars. Provide ‘motivational’ slideshows about the economic crisis and how companies are laying people off. How inventions and innovations are mushrooming all over the place, how automations will lessen the need for human workforce.

How consultants (me!) can unearth (non-existence) efficiency problem in companies and suggest retrenchment to improve the bottom-line. How vulnerable employees are, compared to companies. It will forever alter their perspective- they’ll shift into survival mode and embrace presenteeism.

Scrap the monthly wage system

And introduce a strict, pay-by-the-hour system. Even nature-calls will be deducted from their salary. So they can’t blame you for salary deduction. If they’re not paid, it’s because they didn’t work. Fair isn’t it? You’ll experience a slight spike in your OPEX, but with more people in doing their work, you’ll get the return sooner than you expect.

Hire a full-time doctor

This is a classic solution taken to a new height. Don’t use panel doctors and clinics, instead, hire an in-house doctor, make him/her the ONLY doctor that can award sick leave for your company. Then, deduct the doctor’s salary according to the number of sick leave given to your employees.

Introduce shift rotation

You may well heard about this one. But it’s a bit different. All people will work during the regular hours, but introduce a night-shift specially for absent employees. Whatever their reason is, absenters will have to replace their day off with a compulsory graveyard-shift.

The later the shift starts, the better it will improve their determination to make it to the office. You can also hire a homeless to spook the office during the night shift- an excellent reminder to keep your employees away from being absent.

Being Bold Or Being Stupid?

2008-11-24T06:16:00.000+08:00

There's a fine line separating stardom and mediocrity. When you're in a situation that can propel you to be treated as a star by your company, being bold is the only decision you have to make. But wait. Being bold can also mean being stupid!

Be Bold!

When you're in a meeting, you try to get into the radar. You, being bold, interject with all your manliness, and begin to raise your salient point one by one with your face beaming with confidence.

But not realizing that you're being stupid, everybody shook their heads in disbelief, responding that the point you've given is too obvious to be raised in the meeting- everybody already knows about them.

Be Bold!

When you're one on one with your boss, you'll try to project your true quality. Being bold, you try to be honest and disclose your discontent with the way he manages certain stuff in your department.

You only realize that you're being stupid when you found out a couple months later your boss didn't gave you any raise, all your peers are being promoted and you're always stuck in the fringe of all your boss's favorable decisions.

Be Bold!

During one of your inter-department errands, you saw your CEO or company director nearby and quickly notice an opportunity to impress the generals. Being bold, you approached him, introduce yourself and try to have a friendly chat with him.

But unbeknown to you, you're actually being stupid- he responded with "you should spend your time more at your desk, this is not a shopping complex"

Be Bold!

When having to face your client/customer with a bad news, you decided to get straight to the point and tell the truth. Being bold, you explain what went wrong and how he/she is affected.

You knew it that you're being stupid when the customer hurls you with every possible unpleasing adjectives, starts calling you names, continuously banging the table and blaming you like hell- where in fact you have nothing to do with this mess apart from just conveying the news.

Be Bold!

When you need a new challenge in your career, you realize it's time to move on. Being bold, you tendered your resignation and accepted a promising job in a new and unknown company- hoping to be a key player in the company's rise.

You know you're just being plain stupid- 3 days into your new work, all the promises given to you suddenly seem too good to be true, your workplace is a mess, your colleagues are all unqualified, your boss is a jerk and your head is filled with "My former company is way better than this! I should have stayed there!".

*****

Pathetic, isn't' it? So what separates being bold from being stupid? It's called 'do it'. So play it safe. If you're thinking of being bold- don't do it. Being a mediocre is better than being a regretful failure.

Need More Time!!!!

2008-11-07T17:30:00.011+08:00

Ah... Time management. Another crapoholic term that will chime in your head every time you enter the meeting room...half an hour late. Most of the time you're too preoccupied, the word 'deadline' is no longer defined in your dictionary.

Let's cut to the chase. These are some of the significant time-wasters in your work that you can eliminate..if you have the balls.

Finding the parking spot
Your pride with your bling-bling ride is gone once you find out that looking for parking spaces are like searching for a needle in a haystack- time is not on your side. The fix requires cycles: recycle your car at the scrapyard and get a motorcycle or a bicycle or a tricycle.

Walking
Average people walks 18,000 steps per day. Can you imagine how much time is wasted during these walks? Here's how to spell the solution to this problem: R. U. N. Y. O. U. C. O. U. C. H. P. O. T. A. T. O.

Caffeine fix
Hanging out in the pantry might be as delicious as your coffee, but stop wasting time. Buy a pack of Red-Bulls and you'll save ample time. And oh, the side effects will shorten your career in the long run too- early retirement!

Proof-reading
To write a report is one thing. To READ BACK THE REPORT is another. Now every time you've finished the pointless report your boss sent you to do, use Text Aloud to let the computers read it back to you.

While you reluctantly write another overdue report you owe your boss.

Error-correcting
Submitting the report is not the end of it. There are times when you'll be sent back to do corrections, and correcting your report is like redoing the same task again- a waste of time indeed. If this happens often......find another job using a lower qualification. You'll make less mistakes.

Boss's lecture
Yes. It's one of the leading culprit behind your lack of time. Now treat your boss like this and watch him letting you go the next time you screw up.

Chat
Do you really need your co-workers? Do you really want to have a conversation with them? If you think you can't live through the day without speaking a word to your colleagues, you need to know more about web 2.0. Can solve the 'walk' problem too.

Meetings
Yes I've covered them before, but unfortunately it's only applicable to top managers. Now simply, if meetings are the thorn in your flesh, start a fight with everyone in your next meeting. Be super obnoxious. For sure you'll not be invited next time.

Reading emails
If you don't have a Blackberry, it's a mixed blessing. Even you're free during your time off the office, this means you have to entertain every single message from your desk. To reduce waste of time, forward this post to your pathetic forward-crazy friends and save tremendous time going through your emails.

Requesting help from other departments
This is a pain in the @ss. All those explaining, begging and even to a point, whoring, consumes lots of time just to get a simple thing done. To reduce the time taken, don't use the phone to communicate with them. Use email, and CC every message to their boss, their superiors, the General Managers, the CEO and subsequently the board of directors, the minority shareholders, the minority shareholders' watchdog, and the newspapers.

*****

Well...to be honest, following only the last step should be more than enough. Now you'll have more time. To read blogs!

How To Make Consumers Spend More

2008-11-03T02:59:00.002+08:00

The current economic crisis dealt a huge blow to consumer spending, where sizable drop in demand was recorded all around the world. When the public cuts back on spending, consultants like me will be on the wrong end of the domino game, thus taking the biggest hit.

Therefore it's only logical for me to recommend steps to encourage consumers to spend more. It's not that the lack of demand stops our clients from using our service. It's because they think it's wiser to keep using us and default on payments. Clever eh..

So let's look at how we can move the market out of this recession and make consumers spend spend spend..in light of the current economic mess.

Use extensive fear in advertising

Fear is a well-known theme for advertising. Often associated with health-related products, now its appeal is applicable across a wider group of product. You only need a simple statement like the following:

If you're not buying this product because you want to save money, your company can also stop employing you for the same reason. Think again. Save the economy. Buy more.

You can also use graphical descriptions about being jobless and starvation. Pick a third world country and start from there.

Tell them everything is for the sake of saving money

This fever should be more widespread. Tell the consumers everything they'll buy is for the sake of saving money. It should be extended to those luxury goods. Economic value will always work in this economic mess.

"Stop wasting money buying useless wealth statements (like a fake Rolex). Buy a Mercedes."

Let them pay later

With the advent of credit cards, consumers have an established reputation in "Shoot first, ask later" attitude. Translation: buy first, pay (regret) later. So revamp your financial strategies to raise more working capital: give your consumers credit facilities even for the smallest item. Works great if you tie this move with the next point.

Always bundle everything

You should always bundle your products together. Instead of selling a single unit, you should now sell in a package of say...10. And tell them "save more when you buy more". In this trying time, only the first 2 words matters to the consumers.

See my other devious retailing tactics.

Use emotional motivation

When people are upset (no one is happy during economic downturn), they'll become emotionally-charged and will find ways to cheer up. At least that explains the box office trends during both economic boom and slump. You should re-brand your product as a psychological answer to this state of depression.

"Don't worry. Eat ice-cream. Lots of them."

"Shopping is a well-known therapy."

"Money is the root of evil. Learn how to let go. Spend. All of them."

Blame them

...for blessing this ridiculous Laissez Faire system in the first place, despite them being constantly on the weaker side of the table. This is the time for those anti-free-trade zealots to go to the public with banners like:

"We're the cause of this fall. Now we have to fix it.
SPEND MORE. BUY BUY BUY."

But these zealots have to do a better job this time. Because as you can see, their protests all this while are just futile.

Free Tool To Prevent You From Being A Fool

2008-10-28T18:43:00.005+08:00

Apart from being an average Joe, you can also be a sorry fool. So what makes you a fool?

Apparently, a lot of things. But do you know some of them can be eliminated using your web browser?

Yes, you can. In conjunction with Black Zedd's Basic Literature's first anniversary this week, I'm throwing you a splendid gift.

Black Zedd's Toolbar

So what makes you a fool that you can avoid by using this toolbar?

1. You're Clueless About Your Work/Project/Report

Solved. Perform a quick search for your work from different knowledge portals (apart from Google) anytime you're facing those terms/jargon you're clueless about.

You can also search for downloadable documents like PDFs, MS Word and MS Powerpoint presentations using the 'Search For Your Work Literature' feature. Plagiarism ahoy!

2. You're Often Slammed For Being Outdated With The Latest News

Solved. Quickly scan the latest headlines from leading news publication around the world. Shove it into your boss's @ss- every single minute of updates.

3. Your Cubicle Is On The Poorest Spot That You Hardly Knows The Weather Outside

Solved. Now you can stay forever inside your cubicle. The tool automatically detects your location and serve you with the current and forecasted weather condition.

4. You Spent So Much Time Logging Into Different Email Accounts Only To Find Out No One Sent You Anything

Solved. Preserve your ego. Now you can bundle ALL your emails together to check for updates. Oh, you can even play a sound too if you receive a new email. May not be worthwhile to read though.

5. You're Too Paranoid To Abuse Your Workstation By Browsing The Internet

Oh come'on. No body's going to tell. And nobody's going to find out too with this quick nifty button to clear your browsing trail. Solved.

*****

Stop looking like a fool. Go ahead and download the toolbar for free. No spyware, malware or any Tupperware for that matter.

Toolbar hosted by Conduit, please view the Trusted Download Program Certificate here.

It's easily configurable (lots of other features) and shrinkable. You can uninstall it anytime. Give it a try.

On a related note, it's been a year since Black Zedd first wrote in this blog, so I would like to thank all of you for reading, bookmarking and linking the Basic Literature. Keep it real folks...

Now get back to work. Your boss is waiting for the damn report.

Managers! Observe The Blue Eye System!

2008-10-16T15:25:00.005+08:00

Are you a manager? Then you have to follow the norm- pick a bozo from your pool of subordinates, and treat them as your favorite. Because the corporate management arena work using the Blue Eye System, where you MUST have an incompetent blue-eyed boy or girl.

Why?

You need someone to remind you that you're still in charge
Having someone who nods to your every decision is a great way to do that. Because most of your staff is clever enough to think you're incapable of making any good decision.

You need someone to share your bullshits
Managers sometimes suffer inferiority complex, a state where they're short of distinguished accomplishments to bolster their self-esteem. So are you, so you need someone who nods in excitement to every bullshit you created (to make you feel good)- like the story back then when you were in high schools..

You need the false sense of competency
It's an open secret that you don't have to be smart or competent to be a boss. So you need something to feel like you're one of those competent stars. What is better than having such looser sticking around and praise you all the time?

You need to do less work
The blue eyed boy/girl will go to great lengths in securing this promising position (it can result to promotion, raise etc..), so they'll respond to your every request with 'Your Wish Is My Command'. They'll run all your personal errant. And even fetch you at the airport, which is handy during your midnight arrivals.

*****

Unlike me, I don't have anyone particular as my favorite subordinate. Because I'm so competent, I don't need them. But hey, if there's someone who is more capable than me, they can replace me as the new CEO.

But of course after I struck a deal with them that will leave me a couple of billion dollar richer. Does Golden Handshakes ring a bell?

Your Friends, Your Email And The Stupidity

2008-10-08T19:22:00.009+08:00

I'm sure you spent hours everyday going through your email. Do you know your mailbox is an excellent tool to measure the level of stupidity of your friends?

Just count how many of your friends are abusing the saying 'Sharing Is Caring' and blindly forward every possible email they receive.

Okay, then maybe you like some of those emails, like the humor and funny jokes to keep you lighten up in contrast of your doomed career. And those motivational slide shows to disorientate you from the fact that you hate your job.

But how about the stupid email about Bill Gates who's sharing his fortune? Or the absurd email about how the sun will rise continuously for 1 and half days this month? Or any of these collection of hoax emails that people like to forward endlessly?

If MOST of your inbox are filled with those kind of craps, than it's safe to conclude that your friends are a bunch of gullible idiots.

But wait..

"Birds of a Feather Flock Together"

..which means, by befriending them, you're an idiot too. Ooops.

p/s: if you're also guilty of forwarding those emails, I'm astounded by the fact that you're reading this blog.

The Economic Crisis: A Stupid Self Fulfilling Prophecy

2008-10-02T15:39:00.010+08:00

In the recent weeks' tragedy, following the fall of Lehman Brothers, there were fears that a second Great Depression is brewing. While analysts desperately try to allay those fears by telling people not to panic, it's hard to calm down.

We're in a deep economic problem. And literally, 'economic problem' is caused by scarcity. But like the oil crisis, it's not the scarcity of resources. In today's world, it's the scarcity of thoughts.

Just look at the current scenario. To respond to the current economic crisis,

...the public is withdrawing their deposits
They freak out and pull out their money from the banks to 'prevent potential losses'. But we're in a middle of the credit crisis- and we need more deposits to keep the economy moving.

Q: Isn't by withdrawing the money, we're making the situation worse?

A: We don't care.

...and the banks are laying off their employees
Banks are laying off their workers to secure their 'long-term presence' and 'market strength'. They're reacting lightning fast to the recent crisis, dumping valuable manpower that took stages of interviews just for them to consider hiring.

Q:How on earth by reducing your manpower in 2 weeks can you retain your market for 2 decades?

A: We don't care.

.....while people are fighting against the bailouts
because they think it's stupid to hold government (and taxpayers) responsible for corporate companies' troubles. They prefer to let the ailing corporations succumb, along with the rest of the economy.

Q: Can a broke corporation save you from economic collapse?

A: We don't care.

...and the Congress?
The congress rejected the bailout bill, only because of partisan influences. And for heaven's sake, it was fellow Mr. President's Republicans who went against the bill.

Q: Can we jeopardize the global economy just because of a speech?

A: Yes we can!

*****

We're facing a prophecy of doom: an economic meltdown.

But what's interesting is the extent of our stupidity is so great, it seems this prophecy will be self-fulfilling.

Luckily there's CEOs and consultants like me- the wise people who insists on golden handshakes and parachutes. Because this is economy. Someone must profit out, from this scarcity.

Seminars: Types of Attendees

2008-09-26T02:35:00.000+08:00

Going to a seminar? Here's a fun thing to do instead of sleeping. Take the seat on the last row, and start identifying these types of seminar attendees.

The nerdy

They're located on the front row, even they arrive late. This is because the front row will always be reserved for these type of people (unintentionally). Usually these people wear glasses. They have the highest tendency to laugh at the speaker's jokes, even if it's not funny at all.

The fussy

They're seated everywhere. It's easy to spot them- they're the one with the most head movement, up and down. This is because they tend to jot down everything the speaker says and written on the slide. They're like the reporter.

The sleepy

They always arrive late. They'll avoid sitting in the first and the last row. They'll find the blind spot to sleep, avoiding the hot zone like those seats next to the isle. They'll try to hide behind the head of the people seated in-front, staying away from the speaker's line of sight.

The noisy

They're audible- whenever the speaker ask a question etc, their voice is the loudest. They will respond to every single question, being sarcastic at times, but when the speaker ask to raise hand (in order to answer), they'll shut up immediately. And not respond.

The nosy

They're the ones who like to ask question- whenever there's an invitation for a question, they'll be the first one to raise hand. If they walk to the mic, they'll open their question with a lengthy statement- enough to qualify as a seminar on its own. Most of their questions can be considered as an irrelevant, silly question.

The arty

They usually occupy the back-row. Their attendance is only possible because of a mandatory order by their superiors. They tend to to take notes, but actually they're trying to sketch the speaker (without success). They'll also draw objects, including logo and emblem of leading brand-names.

The smarty

They're seated on the back row. They're always looking at other attendees, observing each and everyone's behavior. They'll nod discreetly at times, as if they're agreeing with a point made in their mental note. Sometimes they also shake their head in disbelief, on how accurate a description they read about seminar attendees.

You're looking at another reader of the Black Zedd's Basic Literature. Kudos.

How To Avoid Helping Your Co-Workers

2008-09-12T21:57:00.007+08:00

One of the burden of the office job is when your co-workers come and seek your help- it often ends up with a burdensome task that will result to more workload.

By eliminating the request from your peers alone you will free up a significant amount of work. Here's how you can do it.

Before we begin, set your own cellphone number on your desk phone's speed dial and vice versa.

When your co-worker approaches you to seek your help, follow these steps:

1. Tell him/her "Oh, one minute, I have to make this phone call"

2. Dial an incomplete number. Start talking.

3. When he/she's not looking, speed dial your cellphone number. (Keep talking)

4. Your cellphone will ring. To your fake amusement, answer your cellphone. Tell the imaginary caller that you're busy on another line, ask them to hold.

5. Switch back to your desk phone. Talk.

6. Hang up your desk phone. Continue talking on your cellphone.

7. When he/she's not looking, speed dial your desk phone.

8. Repeat step 4-7 (switch the phone type) until your co-worker becomes bored and leave.

What if your co-worker returns for the second time?

9. Of course, repeat step 1-7.

What if your co-worker returns for the third time?

10. Do step 1, but dial his desk phone number instead.

11. Your co-worker will return back to his desk to answer the call. Hang up once he/she arrive at his/her desk. (you should keep pretending and talk)

12. Repeat step 10 & 11 every time he/she returns.

What if your co-worker still return after the 10th time?

13. Call your boss.

14. Pass the phone to your co-worker, telling him/her the boss wants to speak with him/her.

15. Once your co-worker says hello, stomp on his/her foot really hard. Let's hope he/she'll curse your boss and end up getting fired immediately.

Tadaam! One less work today!

Ehem! We're An Equal Opportunity Employer

2008-09-08T17:44:00.003+08:00

Welcome to Gobloc Insulting, a marketing consultancy firm.

We give equal opportunity to every people to work in our company, regardless of their gender, race, religion and any characteristic that may be considered for social profiling.

For example, we never discriminate the women.

Just look at the candidate lists for every interviews. We have women being considered for every top management position.

Ehem. Just don't look at the list of successful candidates.

We also never discriminate the minorities.

We never put in 'race' or 'religion' in our application form. We don't want candidates to think that we're discriminating them.

Ehem. That's why we call all of them for interviews- to visually identify and reject the minorities.

Heck, we don't even discriminate the idiots.

We believe potential shouldn't be measured through academic pointers per se. That's why we provide IQ and competency test to all candidates- regardless of their academic achievements.

Ehem. This way we can blind the public from the truth - that we're offering the job to the family members of top management.

*****

Giving opportunity doesn't mean giving the position. Being 'considered' is not the same as being offered. In some cases, it may even sound like an insult.

"We'll consider your application. Thank you"

Sounds familiar?

How To ab-Use Corporate Blogging

2008-09-01T15:54:00.002+08:00

Corporate blogging is the way to go. I always encourage my clients to set up their own company blog, simply because consumers trusted blogs even more than conventional media nowadays.

A blog is more trust-worthy than your press-release or news section because they're likely written by someone not as crooked and deceptive as your PR consultant. It's more personal, casual, less-professional.

The public willingly stick their neck out for blogs- providing a more effective channel to push your kool-aid down their throat.

Here I outline 10 surefire way to achieve a PR zen through your corporate blog:

Always post using names of your employees. For better result, use the name of the CEO. It will create a 'perceived' down-to-earth image. Another point for PR.

People are likely to connect with your organization if they can see real human interactions within. That was how Survivors kicked-off the reality show bandwagon, right? Publish stories of your employees that are related to your target market. For example, if your business targets mothers, create news about employees giving birth. It will foster affinity to your organization.

Human tends to unite around a cause when tragedy struck. So, publish false happening around the office to elicit sympathy, like "Mary our R&D director just loss her only son in a freak accident"..anything that can garner compassion. It will gain you more followers to your blog. Plus the spillover effect from the compassion will neutralize any resentment towards your company.

The more frequent you update your blog, the more people will tune in to follow. More posts will provide more rooms to repeat your false conscience for the environment and to your public. Remember: use this to REinforce your phony principles.

Once in a while highlight fake e-mails from your customers. Some of those emails should be negative in nature, but highlights how your organization solve their problems and turns the complainer into satisfied, loyal supporter.

Consumers trust bloggers. Abuse the trust.

Form up a special committee of 'independent bloggers' that consists of your paid staffs to set up their own blog and publish writings on how good your company and products are. Remember to conceal their true identity at any cost.

Make it compulsory for EVERY employee to comment POSITIVELY on every post from their home using fake names. The IP distribution will help in increasing the Alexa ranking- providing false signal that your corporate blog is indeed popular.

Plant links in the committee members' blog, using effective keywords as the anchor text, such as 'the company that care about the environment' etc... Also harass those do-follow blogs (spare mine) with comments linking to the corporate blog to get more PR juice.

Form up another committee, the 'Digg and StumbleUpon brigade' to digg/thumbs up your postings and bury/thumbs down posts from other competing blogs. This is a measure to promote your blog even further. [source]

Reply to comments with "Thanks for your interesting input. We'll definitely discuss them in our next incoming meeting" and mentally replace the reply with "Yeah right, suckers!"

Just follow these simple steps and you're on your way to a new hight in corporate credibility.

Do You Have What It Takes To Be A C.E.O.?

2008-08-26T04:21:00.007+08:00

Based on the Product-Moment Correlation Coefficient study done on media interviews with today's top CEOs, I've designed a test to determine your tendency to be a C.E.O.

The test was derived from the variables most common among these high-flyers, reflected from their answers from interviews with various business publications.

Confirm your grim future by taking the following test.

i. Do you read books? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always brag about the books they read. No, those are not your sham e-books, outdated textbooks or on-line types of readings. It's the actual, physical and picture-less books that may take a whole decade for couch-potatoes like you to finish.

ii. Are your hobbies conventional? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always indulge in exotic hobbies, passionately. Like Norio Ohga, the former CEO of Sony- he's a conductor for an orchestra. Or Bill Ford, the former CEO of Ford Motors- he owns a black-belt in Karate. Other examples include polo, yachting and sky-diving. If your hobby is merely golf- go fly kite.

iii. Do you read philosophy? [Yes/No]

Every top CEO knows their way around when it comes to philosophical senses. They quote philosophers more often than they mention any corporate bigwigs. If you think Plato is a highland, think again- about your career path.

iv. Is your idol still alive? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always admire ancient figures as their role models. Like Marcus Aurelius. Or Napoleon . If you consider present-day corporate magnates like Donald Trump as your idol, your cubicle will be your only legacy.

v. Do you watch Bloomberg? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs love scrolling news/stock tickers. If you consider those scrolling items around your TV screen as nuisance, get a life. Out of the corporate world.

vi. Are you fat and healthy? [Yes/No]

Top CEOs always trim down. They jog. They exercise. But they're not that healthy. Common health issues would be high-blood pressure, heart attack and occasional diabetic complications. If you're fat, you're out. If you're healthy, wait till another 10 years.

*****

Those are the common chracteristics of top CEOs, apart from being competent. You're not competent. And if most of your answers to the above questions are negative in nature, you're helpless.

Read this blog more to boost your confidence- there are lots of other devious means to be a CEO.

The first step?

Don't be yourself.

How To Steal Money From Loyal Customers

2008-08-21T02:43:00.003+08:00

If you haven't heard about Pareto's 80-20 principle, I'll explain it, simply: 80% of things are contributed by 20% of the group.

The smallest proportion contributes the most

In marketing, most of the time, 80% of sales come from 20% of your customers. Which means, 20% of your customers are loyal customers who will repeatedly purchase your product and contribute up to 80% of your revenue base.

Pareto's Law also means 80% of your customer base are clever enough not to make you richer by more than 20%.

Bringing into perspective, 20% of your customers are dumb enough to keep buying your products. So identify these pathetic lots and keep disorienting their conciousness by implementing some of these steps:

1. Personalized service

They'll be happy if you greet them with their names. They'll feel an 'honest connection' building between your business and their sorry souls if you can address their personal details, their preferences and their previous purchasing records...

...when all you care about is squeezing more money from their banks by investing on advanced CRM software and a little bit of 'because we care' acting.

2. Membership premiums

They'll be happy if you treat them special. Give them glossy plastics named 'Membership Card'. Provide special services to these members. Because they're so naive to think they're treated exclusively...

...when you actually automatically offer the membership to every single customers free of charge. But it'll work because loyal customers are dumb enough to think they're specially selected.

3. Special offers

They'll be happy if you promote a product that might be of their interest. They'll be happy if they get a newsletter highlighting the latest offer based on their previous purchases....

....where in fact all you're trying to do is hard-selling junk products that is a bitch to clear from the shelves. And match the product to those unfortunate loyalists by chances.

4. Customer reward schemes

They'll be happy to admit they're savvy consumers by spending more. Reward their purchase by offering discounts if they purchase more. Tell them "You'll get $100 in discounts if you purchase the next product"....

....where they're so dumb that they will literally translate the statement using only the first 3 words....and act quickly.

*****

These are some elements I used in crafting Customer Loyalty Programs for my clients. Of course there's more, but I think you're the 80% who is smart enough to figure out that I'll be 20% poorer if I divulge my whole 'trade secrets'.

Black Zedd Basic Literature

How To Handle A Stupid Boss

Let his superiors know…

Let him know…

How Corporate Practices Can Change The World

Global warming: The buzz that struggles to gain momentum

Energy depletion: The struggles to pick the alternatives

Terrorism: The affect of being terrorized by the terror threat

The plagues (AIDS, H1N1): The effort to increase action taken

Economy- Light at the end of the tunnel

Don’t Let Your Subordinates Steal Your Job

Restrain them - Reinforce fear

Break them - Discourage teamwork

Weaken them - Be vague

Spy them - Select your clandestine agent

Discourage them - Keep your succession planning public

Re-observe The Labor Day

We’re a beaten superman. Why unions are our kryptonite.

A Thank You Letter For Employees

The Corporate Duel: Women Vs Men

Women are emotionally unstable

Women’s commitment lies at home.

Women will always fight against the odds

How Companies Can Respond To The Crisis

Integration

Penetration

Development

Diversification

Retrenchment / Divestiture / Liquidation

Your Company: Grow Them Big or Stay Small?

You have to stay in control…

With less power..

While watching your back…

And strive for the impossible…

At the expense of yourself….

*****

10 Best Excuses for Late Arrival

How To Secure Your Job

Steal your company’s money and hide them

Print a fake offer letter from your competitor

Report you boss’ wrongdoings

Hire a hacker to erase employees data

Kidnap a member of the HR director’s family for a ransom

Get involved in a car accident

Get arrested and remanded

Advertising To Children: What Ethic?

How To Reduce Employees Absenteeism

Send all employees to boot-camp

Scrap the monthly wage system

Hire a full-time doctor

Introduce shift rotation

Being Bold Or Being Stupid?

Need More Time!!!!

How To Make Consumers Spend More

Free Tool To Prevent You From Being A Fool

Managers! Observe The Blue Eye System!

Your Friends, Your Email And The Stupidity

The Economic Crisis: A Stupid Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Seminars: Types of Attendees

How To Avoid Helping Your Co-Workers

Ehem! We're An Equal Opportunity Employer

How To ab-Use Corporate Blogging

Do You Have What It Takes To Be A C.E.O.?

How To Steal Money From Loyal Customers