"You picked up Olli Jokinen on waivers and he helped you win your fantasy league? Oh wow!"

You know who’s really interested in listening to you talk about your fantasy hockey team and how it finished? Your Grandmother. That’s it. And only if she lives by herself. And only if she lives by herself AND hasn’t had contact with anyone for over a week because her neighbor slash best friend, Mabel in the apartment across the hall, is currently mad at her because she recently remembered that the Bing Crosby LP she lent your Grandmother back in 1956 was never returned. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, then by all means, talk about your epic fantasy hockey finish. Otherwise…

Let’s get on to something much more important: My thoughts on genetically altered fruit.

There are some fruits that absolutely must be seedless. Like grapes, for example. Anytime I bite into a grape and it surprises me with that bitter seed taste, well, I get so mad that I want to start a fight with Dan Bylsma. So seedless grapes rule. No question about it.

Watermelons, on the other hand, I’m not so sure about. First off, there was nothing wrong with strong black seeds in the watermelons we ate as kids. After we smartened up and chose not to believe that prank our parents played on us by saying the seeds will sprout real watermelons in our belly if we swallow them, we had no problem digesting them.

But now? They say our watermelons are seedless, but then I always find seeds. Weak, white seeds that look like they have AIDS. I don’t know about you but I’m terrified of swallowing one and testing HIV positive because of it. So seedless watermelons suck. No question about it.

Which brings me to lemons. WHY HAVE THEY NOT CREATED SEEDLESS LEMONS??? I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve had to add the juice of a lemon to something and end up standing there with a teaspoon in my hand, fishing out the seeds which accidentally — ON PURPOSE, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING! –  fell in, like I’m some 1920′s  housewife whose husband is going to beat her if he finds a lemon seed in his tea.

So if anyone reading this has an invite to the Bilderberg Conference this year, please make seedless lemons happen. Thanks.

Which brings me to the topic of team fandom. Jeff Marek talked about this a few weeks back on the Marek vs. Wyshynski and it stuck a chord with me. Basically, at some point in my life I became a fan of the game more so than a fan of any specific team.

I grew up an LA Kings fan and cried like a little wuss when I was 14 and they lost to the Habs in the Finals.

Then February 27th, 1996 happened and Wayne Gretzky was traded to the Blues. And I began to drift away from being invested greatly in one team and started to not really care anymore about who wins or loses.

I still have a special place in my heart for the Kings but it’s nowhere close to the fandom displayed by most. The only time I really care about a result is if I have money on it. In fact, the last sporting event which I had any sort of emotional interest in (without gambling) was the 2001 NBA Finals. Why you ask? Because Allen Iverson was and always will be my favorite basketball player.

So a decade has passed since the last time I gave a damn. And longer than that if we’re talking about hockey. In the meantime, with Twitter and the internet, I get exposed to a huge number die-hard fans (even fair weather ones) who live and die with their teams. I’m kind of jealous because I can’t feel that rush.

Which brings me to the question: Are there many of us out there? Ones who love the sport but don’t necessarily care about who wins or loses? And if you are one of these people, what made you change from being a fan of a team to being just a fan of the game? I most curious to hear at what age that change occurred at.

That’s all for today. Hey, 3 posts in under a month! Not bad, huh?

Follow me on Twitter if you like following Twitter accounts which don’t tweet much.

Good show. Bring it back you bastards!

Let me start off this post by stating how royally pissed off I am about HBO’s “Luck” getting the boot after a few horses died on set and PETA/TMZ/JACKASSES decided to blow the story up. And, of courses, everyone is piling on now because our society is cool like that. I can just hear the phone calls to HBO in protest of the show by people with nothing better to do…

WAH WAH WAH

I would have called their bluff if I was HBO… especially if it was a male caller, ’cause no way in hell would any man ever cancel HBO with Eastbound & Down still playing. And chicks probably still dig True Blood ’cause vampires are still sexy, am I right, ladies?

So yeah, RIP “Luck”. You’ll be remembered for some great acting, awesome character development and intriguing story lines by this amigo. But with your departure, hopefully now, no horse will ever die, anywhere, ever again.

With that rant out of the way, let me focus on the hockey part of this post. I got to thinking last night and there are really only two teams in the West that would scare me in the playoffs. Before I get to them, let me list off the ones which don’t.

St. Louis – I’d say they’re the best team out of the teams which don’t do it for me. I just can’t see them getting past round 2. They’ve got an interesting mix of players, good character, and you’d think they could go far, but it’s just hard for me to think this group is experienced enough as a whole (together) to really contend this year. Just a gut.

Detroit – Do you think they can survive the grind of the postseason? Hell, they can’t even survive the grind of the regular season. I know, I know, 91 points is nothing to sneeze at but *sneeze*!

Dallas – Yeah, don’t really see them doing much because, umm, they may not even make the playoffs.

Chicago – I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the Blackhawks — “Goaltending, defensive depth, drunken Kane!” you say — but are they really fear-worthy at this point? Hell no.

Phoenix – Mike Smith had an epic February so you know things will even out with him having an epic disaster of an April. Can you really picture the Coyotes having playoff success? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Colorado – Too young.

San Jose – They sadly made a trade for Dominic Moore which means that they now face the “Curse of Dominic Moore” and will have no playoff success. Plus, it’s kind of time for them to fade out of the picture. They do play in San Jose, after all.

Calgary – BAHAHAHAAHAHA

Los Angeles – Sadly, they have the great ability to mess everything up. I think that became their lot in life after the McSorley stick incident.

So that leaves Vancouver and Nashville as the two teams in my mind that could make hay in the West.

Vancouver has their own issues from Luongo’s psyche to the Wonder Twins misplacing their special rings (I’m sure they’ll find them come April), but you still gotta give them the edge here. The one issue I see is that they may run out of gas with another long playoff push.

Nashville is pretty stacked top to bottom without any superstars up front. I’m not exactly sold on Radulov being a difference maker because it’s probably hard to adjust playing in that crap league over there to getting thrown into the playoffs over here. He’ll probably be a disaster and take his butt back to Russia soon after where he can return to being that mysterious Russian star hockey player, without the mystery. But with their goaltending and blueline, hard to argue against the Preds going far.

So yeah, how about that. Another post done!

So I’m back up in the game
Running things to keep my swing
Letting all the people know
That I’m back to run the show

90′s music for the MOTHER EFFIN’ WIN!

It’s March 14th. I think Arron Asham has had a long enough run as the face of Blades of Funny — since October 14th for christ’s sake! It’s true that I’ve been away from blogging because of concussion-like symptoms. However, no media showed up at my door asking when I’ll be back. I didn’t even get any emails asking if I’m alright… or even a “hey jackass, hope you didn’t die from mold poisoning in your basement, idiot blogger!”

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

A little sad, sure… but not bitter.

Not at all.

Seriously, I ain’t. Let it go already!

The spam bots left enough comments on BoF to make up for YOUR lack of caring.

But yeah, earlier this week I received an email from my domain registrar telling me this prime piece of internet real estate is about to expire. So I remembered I still have a blog! And it might be time to update it.

Life has been busy. Me and the Missus had a baby at the end of November –THIRD ONE! BOOM, I GOT POTENT SPERM!!! So time has been quite scarce. And between blogging or running my fantasy teams, something had to give.

I’ve moved away from reading blogs — save for Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Fantasy Hockey Scouts (hey, I play to win!) and some parts of Backhand Shelf — and moved on to getting my hockey fix from podcasts. Marek vs. Wyshynski is pure awesomeness. Their sweet, sweet voices put me to sleep every night when I fire up the podcast — which is not to say it’s boring or dull, just that I’m dead tired usually so I dose off after 1/2 hour. Backhand Shelf is the other one I tune into all the time. So yeah, find the podcasts help with my ADD… or contribute to it. Either way, I’m a happy camper.

In January, I put down $100 on the Canucks to win the Cup. $900 coming my way if that happens. Feel pretty confident with this one still.

I also put down $20 on the Caps to make the Finals at 11 to 1 odds. Don’t feel as confident here (should’ve bet on the Pens instead).

As far as players who I’ve fallen in love with this year (mostly because of fantasy hockey)… Alex Pietrangelo! Dude is money after a slow start.

Who/what do I still hate? Call me Brian Burke but advanced stats are so damn boring. I’ve made a conscious effort to never read about them ever again!

Some other thoughts:

– Don Cherry is awesome.

– This “ringette” line that they’re thinking of implementing is retarded (not a politically correct statement in this age of softness, I know, but it is!). Why don’t we just make a Pac-Man maze that the defesemen have to follow in order to advance the puck of the zone. Maybe make it a corn maze. Boom!

– The Mario Lemieux statue is pretty damn ugly. I’m not sure it’s ever a good idea to put other people in a statue unless their legacies are intertwined (like Matt Cooke and Marc Savard, for instance). But taking that little tidbit out, the fact that when you see two giant asses in the air right behind him, makes me just shake my head.

–  Cody Hodgson is like a Christian Ehrhoff. He’s a product of the Canucks system. Won’t be as good as many think he will be. Zack Kassian is going to be a beast. He skates so well for a dude his size and has nice hands and not to mention has that sandpaper to him. Good trade for Vancouver. Thumbs up to Gillis, thumbs down to the haters.

I think that’s all for today. I’m going to try to get this blog going again. Maybe do a redesign and make it cooler. But I missed you guys. Spam bots just don’t do it for me. Leave some comments dammit so I know someone at least read this! Hahaha.

You know what that is? That’s entertaining! It’s a guy who is jacked up on adrenaline after whooping the ass of his opponent. Nothing to apologize for.

Where do we stop with this craziness? Professional hockey is entertainment, nothing more and nothing less. It’s about heroes and villains, about big hits and fights, just as much as it is about highlight goals and amazing saves. So let them entertain. Let’s stop dissecting every action of showmanship while sitting on a high horse. It’s not that big of a deal, people. It really isn’t.

The stuff I’ve read over the last 24 hours about the NHL being hypocrites for cracking down on headshots and still allowing fighting is downright stupid. There’s a big difference between getting blindsided and fight between two willing combatants. There’s also that little thing about fighting that, oh I don’t know, makes hockey what it is. It belongs in the game. Case closed.

/ over and out

// sleeper motion

– Very impressed with the Colorado Avalanche so far this year. That team is just stacked with youth. This Landeskog kid looks real good. And you know what, I think I may have been wrong by mocking Sherman for giving up a 1st rounder for Varlamov. Though let the record show that I was just joining in with the mob on that one!

Of course,  I say all this after they beat the Sens 7-1 and that could prove to be the high point of their season. All down hill from here!*

* Nah, they’ll be fine.

– Luongo has been fantastic in his first two games. Fantastic at making snow angels that is. Granted, he always starts off slow but you’ve got to wonder if we’re going to see him decline from now on. Say what you want about him, he’s been a pretty damn good goalie over the years. If not for his mental issues, he could have been great. Just don’t see much positives there anymore at 32 years of age. It’s a prime age for handsome bloggers such as yours truly to make their mark on the world but not goalies with 12 years of experience in the league already.

So what would you do if you were the Canucks? I’d really have a hard time trading Cory Schneider. In fact, I think I’d do everything I can to try to convince Schneider to sign on for a couple more years with the promise that if he keeps up his stellar play, he’d have every shot at taking over as the starter.

This also once again points out the danger of these long contracts. They’re always good for the short-term but so many things change yearly that they’re really a death sentence in the long run.

– Don Cherry is a good guy. I don’t care what people say about him and his opinions, to me, he’ll always be a good guy. I believe at the end of the day he means well. I don’t agree with everything he says but there are also many things I do agree on. I guess that’s bound to happen when you voice opinions on touchy subjects every week. And there’s something that differentiates Cherry from guys like Roenick or Milbury or other loudmouths whether they be in politics or whatever. I’m not sure what it is; It may be childhood memories of watching Coach’s Corner; Or it may be that he doesn’t strike me as someone who’s fake like so many of these shock jocks do.

Maybe it’s because of his age. The more I think about it, the more I think that’s the thing. Because if someone younger was saying that, I probably wouldn’t feel the same. You gotta admire a man who has forged his own beliefs over his lifetime and sticks by them. No matter how much of a sonofabitch you think he is, you still gotta respect him for that. And I do.

– But his comments about Nilan were all wrong. Because from what I read, Nilan did not say what Cherry said he said.

– That’s all for now. I’ll leave you with this: If you’re not watching Boardwalk Empire on HBO, you’re missing out. By far the best show going right now, imo.

A dying breed...

Great read courtesy of the Montreal Gazette. (Stick tap to BoF reader Rouven for the link.)

Chris Nilan cuts through the pity fest and stomps on all the bullshit…

“I’m not sayin’ take fightin’ out of hockey,” Nilan said. “I’m not sayin’ I want fighting out of hockey. What I am sayin’ is that (NHL commissioner Gary) Bettman can take it out if he likes … that he might as well take it out because it’s not being used the way it once was. It’s so different now.

“Guys make excuses that oh! the instigator rule makes it too tough to fight. I say take the extra two minutes anyway. These days, they take too many two-minute penalties for hookin’ or holdin’ or stupid, little penalties.”

This is so true. Fighting is definitely not what it used to be. I don’t get the point of having an enforcer if his job is not to clean up the BS for fear of giving up a two-minute minor. Crosby takes a hit to the head? You bet your ass that an enforcer should be sent out and drop a few on whoever did it. Someone keeps running your goalie? Bust them up so next time they think twice. It used to be like that, I don’t know what happened because you rarely see it anymore.

Nilan also had some great words on what Laraque said (my post about that here)…

“Oh, listen to this big bullead sayin’: ‘It’s the toughest job in hockey . that I couldn’t watch a movie the night before a game,’ ” Nilan said, shedding a mock tear or two. “Here he is sayin’ all this s—! Here’s this guy who never had two, three fights in a game. He never had to go into Boston to fight (Stan) Jonathan, (Terry) O’Reilly, (John) Wensink, (Al) Secord or (Gord) Kluzak.

“I won’t sit here and tell you I was never scared,” Nilan continued. “Of course, I was nervous before a game. I knew I had to fight. Before a game I knew that maybe I had to fight two or three guys. But not for a second the previous night was I goin’ around moanin’ I couldn’ watch a movie. Not for a second was I depressed.”

Oh snap!

Now here’s Nilan talking about the transition from hockey to retirement. Keep in mind that Nilan made a pittance compares to what today’s NHLers make.

“Was I bummed out and down when I had to retire?” Nilan asked. “Yeah, why wouldn’t’ I be, especially when you’re 34 years old? Did I have the easiest transition in the world outside of hockey? No! But it happens to a lot of guys. It happens to players. It happens to referees. It happens to a lot of peoples who don’t play hockey.”

Here’s a guy owning his life and not making excuses or looking to play the role of the drama queen. Kudos, Mr. Nilan!

Article wraps up perfectly…

“The rest of it . I don’t buy. I truly believe these are three different people and they’re three different cases who had issues in their lives. You can try and tag it they were fighters and that’s why they died, but I don’t buy it.”

Read the rest of it here.

Came across this article today: Time For NHL to Treat All Players Like People, Regardless of Role

Let’s dissect a few juicy tidbits.

Zenon Konopka, a fighter for the Ottawa Senators, had an interesting take on the pressures of life in the NHL, focusing on when the game ends for a player: “The whole retirement thing has to be looked at as well…The transition from playing to retirement is obviously a tough one, especially when you’re in your mid-30s, compared to most people who retire in their 60s or 70s.”

Yeah, lord knows that it’s a bitch to retire at 35 than in your 70s.

I’m literally laughing out loud while writing this because it’s insanity!

The retirement issue is significant, because many players retire because they feel done with hockey, while others retire because they’re unable to find a job with another team.

And other people get their asses fired or lose their business or quit because their boss is an asshole. Then they move on to another job or another career.

But here’s the kicker.

According to some stats I found online (which we all know is the best source for stats) the median household income in the USA in 2003 was $45,000.

$45,000.

Minimum NHL salary is $500,000 or there about.

Let’s say that because of the higher tax bracket/agent fees an NHL player making minimum has a take home salary somewhere around $250,000. And let’s just bump that Average Joe’s medium household income up to $50,000 and call it their take home pay to make things easier.

For every year an NHL scrub/enforcer/whatever making $500,000 plays in the league, he’s making five times the amount of an Average Joe.

According to this,  the average NHL career lasts 5.66 years.

5.66 years making the league minimum is equivalent to an Average Joe working for 28.3 years.

Poor professional athlete.

Has to retire young and then get a real world job. HOW CAN WE LET THEM LIVE LIKE THIS?

Back to the article in question:

The solution? Guaranteed jobs for enforcers might be nice, but it’s not very realistic. Instead, my hope is that GMs and coaches will look at the events of this summer and realize just how vulnerable players are. While one can’t expect GMs to hold onto players who can’t do what they’re needed to do, perhaps they can make more of an effort to retain players, even if there’s a slightly younger, slightly cheaper alternative in the pipeline. Instead of using players and discarding them when something better comes along, perhaps GMs can try and hold onto players who have served a team.

And perhaps even better, maybe they can work with those players, helping them to improve their skating and backchecking, giving them more of a skill-set than simply fighting.

I’m sorry but this comes off like some “Save The Children” informational except for F*UCKING GROWN MEN WHO EARN A CRAPLOAD OF MONEY FOR PLAYING A SPORT!

“For as little as $5.00 a day we can ensure that Jody Shelley can learn how to backcheck and not have to retire at 35 years of age. Look at his face, no man should suffer like this”

The insanity is that when Dan Ellis was talking about his problems everybody ridiculed him and made him come off silly. Now everybody (well many, anyway) are doing the same thing for enforcers.

It’s insanity, I tell ya!

I like hockey. I like sports in general. And while I stay current with the four major sports, I consider myself a casual sports fan at the end of the day because I rarely ever plan my days around sports — with the notable exception being the NFL Playoffs.

I refuse to put these athletes on some pedestal like I may have when I was a kid. Reading some of the stuff I’ve been reading the past few weeks leaves me a bit perturbed because it showers pity on professional athletes. That’s just silly, in my opinion, of course.

Wade Belak committed suicide (allegedly). Rick Rypien committed suicide (allegedly). Derek Boogaard mixed pills with alcohol (allegedly) and died.

All sad tragedies for those who knew them on a personal level. And extra painful and sad for Belak’s daughters who are the biggest victims of their father’s death.

But I’m sorry, heroes or martyrs they are not. People commit suicide every day and most don’t have the options or possibilities that professional athletes do.

And that’s why these words by Georgs Laraque on the plight of enforcers really made me see what a delusional world some people live in.

“This job is so hard, physically and mentally,” said Laraque. “You can go to a movie theatre the night before a game and you’re thinking of the fight you’re going to get into the next day.

“Like, you have to fight Boogaard. Then that game’s over and it’s like, ‘OK, I have to fight Jody Shelley.’ After that it’s Brian McGrattan. You try not to think about it, but you start with the drugs or the alcohol and that creates the problem,” Laraque continued.

“And, when you retire, most of the tough guys aren’t set (for life). You don’t make a lot of money as a fighter, so they’re thinking ‘OK, now what do I do?  So they go back to drugs and alcohol. There’s no options.”

I’m sorry but this is typical “I have it so rough” drama queen type stuff.

Let’s address the “when you retire, most of the tough guys aren’t set (for life)” line. Minimum salary in the NHL these days is over $500k a year. You play in the league for four years and you’re basically a millionaire after agent fees, taxes, etc. 100% of the population can retire with $1,000,000 in their bank. That is, unless they want to live a lifestyle that’s not entirely needed.

Now the line “So they go back to drugs and alcohol. There’s no options.” Are you kidding me? There are options available for professional athletes that aren’t available to anyone in society. Putting “NHL Player” on your resume I would imagine opens up way more doors than, say, “Hockey Blogger.” Some use this to their advantage. others toil away in self-pity; Just like in the general population.

And now to the line “This job is so hard, physically and mentally.”  While I can see the fighting week in and week out taking its toll on a person, this is another self-pity line by Laraque. The life of on an NHLer is not hard, no matter what some people will write. They are pampered and taken care of in every single aspect of their lives. They play a game that is made out to be more than a game, which some buy into causing unneeded stress. And while they may have to deal with physical injuries more often than the general population, it is the line of work they chose. Don’t like it? Quit.

Which brings me to the other contradiction I keep reading. If life is so hard as a player, how can it be depressing when you retire?

I guess the one thing it’s all about at the end of the day is personal greed. Some people want their fame, their perks, their lifestyle and their money. When they have to sacrifice something to get it, they wallow away in self-pity or complain. Kind of silly when you think about it, no?

As far as the disease of depression goes. It is just that: A disease. It affects everyone from athletes to cashiers. People shouldn’t make the sport the story when it comes to depression but rather they should focus on the individual, his story and the disease itself. I know very little about Rypien, Boogaard and Belak’s life story. You’d think people would focus more on that rather than the fact they were just hockey players.

In the case of Rypien, I just found out a few days ago that his girlfriend died in a car accident while he was in junior. Makes you think that would have a greater effect on his life path than fighting ever did, no?

And if hits to the head because of the sport are to blame for some athletes, then I’m sorry to sound cold, but that’s the price of doing business. Just like every time I get on a plane, there’s a chance the plane will crash. And even  if we eliminate all unnecessary physical contact (like fighting), there’s still going to be individuals abusing drugs and alcohol, because while they may live in a fantasy world, they’re still human. And like many humans they like to create problems for themselves rather seeing their blessings.

Watching Entourage this season got me thinking about how much Gary Bettman must hate that show. Sure it’s free publicity but it’s the exact polar opposite of Gary’s Crosby-Ovechkin marketing strategy. I mean look at this…

This is how most teenage males in America are being introduced to the game of hockey: With Dan Carcillo and the NY Islanders! That’s like being introduced to The Godfather by watching the 3rd installment first.

Second Thought:

This are some damn good “last words” to leave the world with, courtesy of Jack Layton:

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

I just may steal those for my tombstone!

In Closing:

Sorry for the lack of posts but as you can see by the Entourage thoughts, there really ain’t much going on in this brain. Besides, I’m too busy stuffing my face with hazardous levels of fried fish & chips this summer to make hockey posts.