Blah Coo Coo Blah

Is Richard Simmons the Spawn of Bob Ross?

2011-07-07T23:10:00.003+01:00

You decide:

PS:

Yes, I was bored.

And very, very talented.

Rihanna Punched My Eyeballs Today!

2011-06-13T23:35:00.016+01:00

I love Rihanna, RiRi or even Ms Barbados, whatever you want to call her, she is awesome! Even though she steals her fashion from London and takes it back to the states, I forgive her, because, well, she's fun to work out to! However, I cannot and will not forgive her for playing tricks on my eyeballs today!

A while ago, I 'Liked' Rihanna on Facebook, who hasn't? If you haven't, you're dumb! Anyway, I 'Liked' her, along with 'Cheap Asian Crap', 'Frosties', 'Sleeping naked' and 'Telling Dick Chaney to shut the fuck up' amongst many other 'Likes'. Anyway, today she posted pictures of her at Loud Summer Tour 2011 where she was taking pictures with her fans and this one stuck out like a sore thumb and punched me in the eyes!

As you can see, she looks amazing, don't get me wrong! But God damn, she needs to put down the bottle of bright red hair dye and curling iron and step away! Even the fan next to her is squinting her eyes from blindness! AKA 'Ginger-eye-tis'. I'm sorry, but she looks like a cross between Ronald Mcdonald and Raggedy Ann, or is it just me?!? Here's a pic in case you've never seen Raggedy Ann before. I just found out that my husband has no clue who she is. I now pity him with every ounce of pity I had left in my bones. If only Ireland had've known this little Ginger of a character and her boyfriend Andy, there might not have been a famine! And don't even ask me for a picture of Ronald McDonald! If you have no idea who he is, you're probably from a third world country or just skinny! Anyway, here she is:

Yay? Nay?

So, this got me thinking about look-a-likes. Is it just me, or does Walt Disney resemble Hitler?!? I knew it couldn't just be me so I Googled it. Here's what I found:

Yup, there's definitely a resemblance and other weird people like me with too much time on their hands think it too!

Well now, this got my wheels really turning! If Walt Disney could look like Hitler, and Rihanna could look like Raggedy Ann, there must be even more look a likes out there for sure! Just to confirm this spontaneous theory, I went to the address on the picture, totallylookslike.com and found this fluffy mess:

This picture made me laugh very much. Anyone know who this Wilford Brimley character is? I'm too lazy to Google him. I'm all Googled out for the day! All I can say is, how on earth could Noah forget all the unicorns and dinosaurs, yet he remembered to bring these two crazy animals!?!

By the way I'm laughing even more as I write this because I just left a Hiroshima of a stink bomb in the bathroom and Paul is freaking out because his nostrils hate his brain very much right now. That'll show him for not knowing who Raggedy Ann is...

Osama Bin Laden...WTF?!?

2011-05-02T16:33:00.012+01:00

I'm sure you all have heard the news by now about that one guy who died today...WTF?!?

I don't even need the news anymore, I just log into Facebook and everyone supplies me with what's what.

Sad, I know...

Anywho, I made a comic to help come to terms with the death of Mr Bin Laden.

Enjoy!

Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?

2011-02-25T17:22:00.033+00:00

Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!

Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!

No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:

And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!

Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???

Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!

Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,

Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland

Help Detroit Get Their Statue Of Robocop!

2011-02-16T12:14:00.015+00:00

Ok, I'm all for good causes. However, if you ask me on the street to donate some money for a charity, I refuse to pay for first class flights of CEO's who run the charity, therefor, I'll tell you I can't speak English. If you're a gypsy begger on the street shoving a brand new paper coffee cup in my face with all your solid gold rings on saying "Please! Please! Please!", I will pretend I saw someone I know and wave 'them' down just to passively aggressively vacate myself from the shitty predicament you put me in. If you're going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro to help cancer research, I will laugh and say good luck to both, we all know they'll never find a cure to cancer! It makes the pharmaceutical companies billions every year!

But the reason for my post today is for a very good cause. A cause that something tangible will come from it! Detroit needs their Robocop, and this time, in a form of a statue! Please check this site out. The good people of Detroit are raising the money all on their own. They have already raised $50,000 which was their initial goal, but with 38 days to go, lets see how much more they can raise!

And even so, their mayor, Dave Bing, is being the evil nemesis saying it's not going to happen, "But thank you for your suggestion. " Perhaps this Dave guy has never seen Robocop? Perhaps he was a boy that only read books, pissed the bed and dreamed of being a politician one day. Wake up Dave! Wake the fuck up!

Who is going to serve the public? Who is going to protect the innocent? Uphold the law?

Detroit needs their Robocop!

The people of Detroit will not take 'No' for an answer, and that is admirable!

You guys know how much I love Robocop, especially if you read my last post about him. If that made you smile even the slightest, can you donate to this wonderful cause? Even if it's just the change you find in your couch. Perhaps you could donate your children's lunch money, anything will help! Most importantly, if it's just you taking the time to 'Like' the campaign on Facebook, it's free but shows your support!

I commend you good Samaritans who support Robocop!

Good luck people of Detroit! Make America proud!

God bless Robocop!

Last Minute Ideas For Mens Valentine's Gifts

2011-02-14T22:04:00.019+00:00

Hey everyone!

Happy Valentine's Day!

You know what? Men have it so easy! Chocolates, flowers, perfume...It's so easy to shop for a girl!

So ladies, I decided to list some ideas on what to get your guy last minute:

Ball and Chain

Good old fashioned gift here. Isn't this how Valentine's Day was established?

Chocolate Boobs

He will not turn these away, in fact, he will look at you in a new light for being so thoughtful. Chocolate AND boobies?!? He'll love them!

A book about STD's for dumbos

Every dumbo couple needs one. Especially the ones that go on Jeremy Kyle and The Maury Show!

Pat the blow up doll

For all the times you're tired, bored or just not in the mood...

A T-Shirt that says "Play with me or this will be your eX-Box"

This is for all the guys who insist on playing video games all night, every night. Take notes.

Make him home made fetus cookies!

If that doesn't give him the hint, I don't know what will.

Biological Clock

Well ok, maybe this will. If not, ladies, forget baking anything in your oven...

Fake Pregnancy Test

But as revenge for making you childless, you could give him this just to piss him off and scare the living jiz out of him. No pun intended.

Beer Pong Kit

Why not end the night on an intoxicated note? He'll really appreciate the fact that he gets to drink beer, play ping pong and get laid all in one night!

Enjoy your evening ;)

Traumatizing Children's Movies From The 80's

2011-02-12T15:15:00.009+00:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys! I missed ya!

Enough mushy mush!

Onto the post!

I came across two old bickering ladies on the bus who were saying a lot of movies geared towards kids are not that appropriate these days. Have they seen what we had to watch as children in the 80's???? Normally when you think back to old movies you saw as a child, the good memories come flooding back to you, right? Well quite the contrary for the following movies, they make me want to crap my pants when thinking about them!

The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

Have you seen this movie? To sum it up, it's God damn scary! It centers around a toaster (Toaste

, radio (The Radio), lamp (Lampy), electric blanket (Blankie), and a vacuum (Kirby), who are all left behind at an old house when their owner moves away as a child. They then set off on an adventure to find him.

Here's a clip of the bi-polar air conditioner having a nervous breakdown before they set off:

*Speechless & traumatized after that disturbing scene for sure* After watching this, I avoided air conditioners until I was 11 years old!

This scene will stay with me until I die! Basically the little toaster has a dream where his owner is making toast as a child. Then out of no where, it turns into a nightmare where he starts smoking, burns the toast, the smoke turns into a big evil hand, carries his owner to...Hell perhaps? Oh it's not over yet! Then an evil psycho clown comes into the scene and out of nowhe

re,

Toaster is chased by giant forks,

running fo

r dea

r life

. WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now, yet again!

The Brave Little Toaster himself right before he commits suicide in order to save his Ginger owner's life. Look at his face, frightening!

Is there a moral to this movie? Hmmm I can't think of one off the top of my head. Other than appliances are fucking scary and if you try to leave them behind when you move, they WILLcome and find you!

WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now!

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

A nice middle class family lets freaky ass Big Foot move into their house...

Look at him!!!!!

'Nuff said.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

This dude gave me nightmares! Not to mention the scene where the innocent cartoon shoes get boiled to death!

Willow (1988)

Before I go on can I just point out how uncannily looking this guy on the DVD cover looks like Tony Blair?!!! This was probably how he first became famous!

Ok, so Willow the midget sets off to save the world by finding the prophesied baby Elora to help end the evil queen's rein. Along the way he bumps into a few freaky looking characters, oh and Val Kilmer.

Midget + prophesied baby + Val Kilmer + evil queen + magic = Recipe for creepiness!

The Never Ending Story (1984)

This was originally a book that was written by some German dude in 1979. It was later made into 3 movies, starring a young boy named Bastion. Ok, with a lead character by the name of 'Bastion', you know it's gonna be a crazy movie!

Basically, Bastion is a troubled kid who is bullied, so he hides in a bookstore, finds a book called 'The Neverending Story', he takes the book with him to school, cuts class and hides in the attic in his school and starts reading the book. He then ends up IN the story and into the world of Fantasia.

Great movie, can't argue that. However the eerie looking characters are what did it for me.

PS They're making a new one which comes out in 2012! Get ready to shit your pants all over again!

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jim Henson, what the hell were you thinking? This is SO not Sesame Street!

It's a movie with a bunch of scary looking puppets and to sum it up, it's about crystals that are guarded on another planet by vultures called the Skesis. Look, it's too deep of a plot and I'm getting ADHD, so if you haven't seen it, you can read more about it here.

Labrinth (1986)

David Bowie + his bulging crotch + terrifying puppets = Traumatized child viewer

The Last Unicorn (1982)

This is the story of the last unicorn on Earth in an enchanted forest, who goes on a journey to find out what happened to the rest of her kind. On her way, she gets captured by a witch and is caged up in an evil carnival, she comes face to face with an angry red bull and the list goes on. Ok, this movie gets pretty complicated, but it's safe to say it's very strange and upsetting for a child!

The Goonies (1985)

Kids running from scary criminals who have guns, stumbling upon old pirate skeletons, meeting a huge, deformed freak in the basement...

Yeah...

Again, 'nuff said.

ET (1982)

This movie is a classic, however it traumatised me in the sense that ET at first scared the shit out of me. You know the scene when Elliott found him out back and he couldn't scream for help? I think I pissed my pants and stopped breathing for that entire scene! To this day, I'm pretty sure I have brain damage from lack of oxygen...It explains a lot. Oh well, it gives me character!

Anywho, once you got to know him, ET was such a cute little alien, freaky looking, but cute. When he got sick and almost died at the end, I was sooooo sad and worried the first time I saw this movie. I really thought he wouldn't make it!

This movie also makes me want Reese's Pieces every time I see it.

Yum!

That's all I can think of for now, can anyone add onto this?

Oh! And Peachy gave me the Super Blog Bowl MVP award! Yay thanks Peachy! You're awesome! Check her blog The Pits of Being Peachy out, you won't be disappointed :

Wolf & Coyote Piss For Sale!

2011-02-03T01:20:00.001+00:00

God, I feel awesome! Wanna know why?

I came across wolf urine while looking at stuff on Amazon!

What a find!

I'd really like to get some of this stuff!

Yours for only 31.95!

Wolf Piss

I then came across coyote urine which Amazon also sells for only 29.95!

Coyote Piss

After laughing for a few minutes and patting myself on my back for discovering my glorious find, I was immediately confused as to why coyote urine is cheaper than wolf urine.

I mean really, who decides how much urine should cost in the first place?

So what do I do?

I eat a few yogurt rice cakes and a spoonful of peanut butter right out of the jar....Hmmm yeah more like half the jar....Then I get angry at myself for being a stupid gluttonous pig....Which makes me cry and yell at my reflection in the mirror...."Who eats half a jar of God damn peanut butter in one sitting?!? Certainly not Kate fucking Moss!" Then I realize I've gotta blog post to finish so I pull myself together....And I email the company directly....

So the other day, I emailed Deer Busters, and of course I was not expecting to get an email in return just like the last time I emailed the egg company about my double yolked eggs.

Anyway, here's my email to them:

Hi there,

I came across the wolf urine and coyote urine you have for sale on
your website and I noticed wolf urine was slightly more expensive than
coyote urine and this got the wheels in my head turning. Can you tell
me what exactly you base the price of them on?

I mean, is it harder to get urine from a wolf than it is from a
coyote? Perhaps wolf urine is worth more because they are also seen as
mystical and mysterious creatures? I'm sure you've seen those t-shirts
with wolves howling at the moon and there's usually a wizard somewhere
in the picture! Any who, I know that wolves are considered endangered
and threatened as a species, with that in mind, don't you think you
should up the price just a tad?

According to Wiki, wolves and coyotes do mate and their offspring is
known as a 'Coywolf'. God, I didn't see that coming! Think they could
have been a little more creative? I do! Perhaps you should sell
coywolf urine as well, just to make it easier for all the people who
can't decide which urine they should go with. When it comes to buying
urine, it shouldn't be only black or white, throw a little gray in
there and set yourself apart from all your competitors! Just a
thought!

Anyway, I know you get stupid emails like this all of the time, but
I'm just hoping you actually take me a teeny, tiny bit serious so I
can learn good and of course blog about it. I look forward to you
response!

Kind Regards

Amber

***THEY EMAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

Amber,

I only know we base the price on our costs. I have no idea how they collect it just that it comes in barrels from a licensed nuisance wildlife professional. I would recommend using the urine product where those predators are present in your area.

Thanks,

Martin Havrilla
Marketing Manager
martin@tridentcorp.com
Phone: 1-301-694-6072
Toll Free: 1-888-422-3337

www.mastergardening.com
www.deerbusters.com

Yeah, ok, not that long of a response, BUT IT'S SOMETHING!!!! Haha, I'm making progress, how do you like that? I'm like the Abraham Lincoln of writing stupid emails to get a reaction!

On a side note, I also came across this picture of a fat guy in a car and it made me feel not so bad for eating all that peanutbutter :)

Justin Bieber Has An Autobiography?!? WTF?!?

2011-01-28T17:47:00.004+00:00

So I'm at the store shopping for a cool science wizard kit and some super absorbant tampons (duh what do you think Hermoine has to go through on a monthly basis???)

And what do I see?

This!

As you can see on the cover, it's 100% official. I'm glad they cleared that up because I was just about to question its officialness.

First Step 2 Forever: My Story...WFT is this First Step 2 Forever shite and how on Earth does this 12 year old Canadian have any kind of story worth reading?!? (No offence to the Canadians who read my blog, I heart your bacon!)

God, I feel so out of touch with reality as it is, but it's times like these where I question everything!

Anyway, it got me curious, so I searched Justin on Youtube and I came across this horrific video. If you haven't seen it already, this is a video of a 3 year old girl crying over Justin Beiber. God this mother is a bitch! She's tormenting her daughter and recording the entire thing! Then they have the balls to put it on Youtube?!?

So then Justin Bieber sees this, or more like his manager sees it, and decides to have him make an appearance with the poor little girl as a publicity stunt. See, these kinds of things are in his contract...Including having a haircut that resembles a middle-class emo. Don't ask me what happened, I didn't even have the interest to see the outcome of this, you can Youtube it if you want.

One question remains: Why didn't the Department of Family Services visit this little girl instead?!?

I feel so incredibly sorry for her, more so for anyone who has wasted good money on this book and for anyone who likes this Justin Beiber kid in general!

Our society has gone mad!

On a side note, is it just me, or does Justin Bieber resemble a gerbil? Thought I'd point that out before I forgot.

So what do you guys think? Love him or hate him?

Sudoku Pisses Me Off And Red Wine Makes It Worse

2011-01-27T16:10:00.004+00:00

Have you ever attempted the game of sudoku? Basically it's a number puzzle game that really gets you thinking. And it also has the ability to turn you into a pathetic, Jeopardy reject, drunk!

Usually when you buy a book it's divided into 3 sections:

Beginner

Intermediate

Advanced

It's kind of like life, it makes sense, right?

Generally I stick to the 'Beginner' section because it makes me feel smart when I easily finish one of the puzzles in just a few minutes time. I feel great inside and it brings on a false surge of self confidence.

Naturally, I get a little bit of an ego and move on to the 'Intermediate' section. The puzzles are a bit harder, but I'm still capable of completing them, just not as quickly.

When I finally complete that section, I usually yell, "Ha! I am SO a fucking genius! Take that Alex Trebek!"

And then the last section after this is 'Advanced'. This is No Man's Land for me. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. Otherwise I end up ripping my hair out, swearing every 3 seconds, and I'd eventually end up lighting my car on fire and throwing the book into the flames like Crazy Harry from The Muppets!

Which instantly gives me back my dignity, but then makes me sad because I have no car to drive...

Well, this is NOT the case with the pocket sudoku book I got for Christmas.

This book has NO sections! It's ALL advanced! God forbid the creator of this particular book would give me a break and let me work my way into an angry fit rather than just throwing me into the pits of insanity right away!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet the creator of this sudoku book said "Oh fuck it, I'm just going to piss off all the fuck-tards that could never make it on Jeopardy!"

Know what makes it even worse? Drinking 2 bottles of red wine while trying to complete it!

Because it leads to this:

Which leads to this:

Which then leads to this:

Which eventually leads to this:

Ok, maybe I can live with that...

Fuck you advanced sudoku and Alex Trebek!

Are Narwhals Really Unicorns?

2011-01-26T18:50:00.003+00:00

Definition of a Unicorn: Fabled horned horse with lots of magical powers. Adored by millions of crazy people who play Dungeons and Dragons for years on end, collect wizard figurines, wear healing crystals and love shirts with wolves howling at the moon (aka 'Wolf People').

Definition of a Narwhal: Horned whale that is real, alive and kicking (I mean swimming.) Hmmm interesting...

A little 'myth' about the two of them:

Some believe that a narwhal is actually a unicorn in disguise.

Basically, long, long ago, unicorns were hiding from their rival dragon and came to the sea with no where to hide. Thinking quickly, they used a little bit of their magic and turned themselves into horned whales and hid in the sea. Some unicorns have never changed themselves back into unicorns to this day. Hence, narwhals.

Hmmmm yeah, at first it sounded like a load of shit to me too.

But then it got me thinking...

First point:

If this isn't true, then WHY do narwhals have their own Magic card?!?!?!?!

Next point:

Famous Unicorn Sightings I stole from www.unicorncollector.com

Person Associated with the Sighting	Place of Sighting	Approximate Date
Adam	Garden of Eden	Beginning of time
Emperor Fu Hsi	China	5,000 years ago
Emperor Huang Di	Emperor's garden in China	2697 B.C
Emperor Yao	China	About 2,000 B.C
Confucius	China	551-479 B.C
Ctesias	India	4th century B.C
Alexander the Great	Asia	3rd century B.C.
Julius Caesar	Germany	I st century B.C.
Prester John	Asia	Mid- I I 00s
Genghis Khan	India	Early 1200s

Gee, there's not a lot of unicorn sightings after the early 1200's, are there?

Perhaps this is because they all turned into narwhals!?!?

Now lets compare that to the sightings of narwhals:

And the list goes on!

Another point to be made:

Unicorns' known enemies are dragons and lions. Ok, well hey, did you know that narwhals just happen to share the sea with none other than sea lions and sea dragons?!?!? Coincidence? I'm beginning to think not!

Sea Dragon

Sea Lion

See?!? The similarities between unicorns and narwhals are uncanny!

I rest my case.

However!

You be the one to decide...

While you're pondering, listen to the wonderful Narwhal Song!

I Winned An Award! Yay!

2011-01-24T23:33:00.013+00:00

First thing's first, I cannot believe I have over 100 followers now! WTF?!? Yeah, I'm still stunned! So I want to thank you all for following my blog and pretending to think it's funny and interesting! It really makes my day! Also, I'm sorry if I don't respond to all your comments, but please keep in mind, I DO read every single one of them that you leave and I most certainly laugh at all of them! As for your blogs, I always try to read as many of them as I can and I always leave a comment when I do!

Next order of business! An update on my revenge on Derrick! Yes, I know a lot of you were interested to see what I would do to get back at the poor guy. Although some of you gave some great ideas, like shitting on his chest or sending him gay porn, that would take more effort than I'm willing to give! So, with the help of a couple fellow bloggers, I think I've got him back! That's right Isaac, you said it looks like Derrick wins? I beg to differ! Muhahahahahahaha!

With the help of Sucio Sanchez, he took into careful consideration the fact that Derrick is indeed a Mormon AND from Utah. Double whammy! So after pondering for a split second, he performed a little magic and added him to his glorious Mormon Porn creations! I could not stop laughing when I saw this! Thanks Sucio, high virtual five bro!

Next we have NooG's spin on getting revenge on Derrick. After I personally requested him to showcase Derrick as a poop loving ninja, this is what I received! Hahaha holy hell, there's even a poop dragon behind him! How on earth did he come up with this? Fucking genius!

Check out both their blogs, they're awesome!

All in all, I won Derrick! Take that!

Now onto some other stuff that doesn't involve stupid Derrick!

Bruce from b rucejohnson JADIP presented me with The LOL Award!

Holy wow, my first ever blogging award! Next is the Nobel Peace Prize I tell ya!

Thanks Bruce! The second I saw you had a ginger beard and the wit of a drunk monk (that's a good thing), I knew you were full of awesomeness! Check out his blog if you haven't already :D

And the rules of this award?

1.Link to the person who gave you this award. (In a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this) CHECK

2.Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them. Either by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc.

3.Say seven things about yourself that no one knows. (Or at least you think no one knows.)

CHECK

4.Pass these rules on. (copy and paste this winners!)

Hmmmm 7 things about myself? Dammit!

I used to dream of marrying all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a child, my wedding was completely planned out. Cake made out of pepperoni pizza and everything! That bitch April was NOT invited!
I have a fear of drinking water that's been sitting out overnight. My husband Paul and I have regular debates about this as he can't understand why it's okay for the water to be a billion years old but I can't drink it if it's been in a cup overnight. Because there's dust particles, aka skin cells in it!!!
I saw the movie Titanic 5 times when it first came out in the movie theater, cried the first 2 times when Jack died (sorry I ruined the ending, PS old lady Rose dies in the end!) and begged my mom for the Heart of the Ocean necklace that Christmas, and got it. Damn, was I cool!?!
I'm a very cheap date, I love the dollar movies and 2 drinks gets me plastered! Literally!
I lived in Utah my entire life and have never been skiing, what's wrong with me?!?
I met my husband on MySpace of all places! Crazy huh?
The first time I ate a beet, I was 8 years old and I thought it was a grape gummy bear. Boy was I wrong! I threw up my entire Thanksgiving dinner that day!

And now 7 people, in no particular order, who crack me up every time I read their blog and pass this award on to are:

Oilfield Trash - Always has some funny spin on life and the hand he's been dealt with!

Sucio Sanchez - Hilarious and gifted when it comes to GIMP!

NooG - Very creative and humorous blog, he's a Photoshop genius with a sense of humor!

A Beer For The Shower - His wit is out of this world and he looks great in a suit! Need I say more?

2 Hard - I don't know how he comes up with some of his stuff, but he never ceases to make me laugh!

Mister Sharaf - Want to not be bored anymore and laugh a lot? Check out his blog!

And last but not least, good old Brucey boy! Sorry, but I have to pass this one back to you as you do make me laugh hysterically with your comments and your posts!

Well that's all for now folks! Have a greaaaaaaaaat day!

How Can I Get Revenge On Derrick?

2011-01-20T16:46:00.003+00:00

That's my dude friend Derrick above (who I blog about a lot because he is naturally stupid and an excellent waste-of-blog-space material)

A little background first:

About 3 years ago or so, I made the mistake of getting drunk while letting him and my other dude friend Mark, stay over at our place before they flew back to Salt Lake from Dublin...What's so bad about that you ask? They recorded my entire drunken episode!

To this day, Derrick still has footage of me drunk off my ass, rambling on about the pink Power Ranger (my fave) and God knows what else! He uses it as ammo and blackmail often.

I know, it's funny right?!??!?

Not!

One thing I have learned, is to never, ever, EVER get drunk while someone has a camera rolling!

Anyway, a week or so ago, I posted this on Derrick's Facebook page because that stupid bird on the right reminded me of him:

Well he took a snapshot from the footage and posted this on my Facebook page with the message: 'Two can play this game':

Ok, now that we've all stopped laughing, I'm livid! What should I do to get revenge?!? I'm almost 5,000 miles away so it has to be legal, clever and plausible!

Thanks for your suggestions in advance!

Being A Dickhead's Cool

2011-01-19T16:19:00.006+00:00

I thought I'd share this video with you.

I can't stop listening to it, it's sooooo going on my iPod!

Hilarious!

Enjoy!

I once had a roommate exactly like this! He dressed in tight, low v-neck shirts and skinny jeans. He didn't work because his parents paid his rent, bought him an iPhone and funded his social life. He never cleaned anything because he said he only slept in the house, so he didn't contribute to any mess. Hmmm, I guess the fact that he didn't know how to clean dishes properly and left crumbs all over the kitchen counters didn't count as contributing to a mess! Oh and he would only eat soy products because 'dairy doesn't sit well with him'. God, when he spilled red wine all over the stairs and left it there overnight leaving a huge stain, that was the last straw! I gave out to him finally after a month of that crap and he said he was moving out the next day haha!

Fucking dickheads!!!!

Robocop...Where'd You Go?

2011-01-17T03:29:00.001+00:00

I'd just like to say: Robocop = Genius of a movie!

Is it just me, or did this movie actually make society better in the 80's? Like I may have just been a kid and all, but after watching Robocop for the first time, I was scared to go out and cause any trouble, for fear that Salt Lake City had a cop just like Detroit did.

"You're coming with me. Dead or alive." <----- How can that not scare a 6 year old into submission!?!

Now that I'm older and I watch this movie, it really cracks me up. Look at their 'futuristic' cars:

A cherry on top in the first Robocop movie is Red Foreman from That 70's Show is in it:

On a side note, here's some Robocop related pictures to enjoy:

I know I've been away from America for some time, so I'm kinda out of the loop. I read on Scifimoviepage.com that MGM put a hold on making a Robocop in 3D?!?! I'd love to watch this movie when it finally comes out! Anyone have a more current update on the development of it?

We bought the Robocop trilogy recently and I can't wait to use up an entire Sunday watching it!

GO 80'S!

Double Yolk Eggs Are Cool

2011-01-12T21:05:00.001+00:00

I decided to post about our recent egg experience because it was so amazing, I couldn't not share! Basically we found that 2 of our eggs had TWO yolks each:

My husband, Paul said he didn't want egg and toast sandwiches for breakfast, but I defied him and made him two anyway. This is what came of it:

Wait for it!!!

I thought the yolk explosion was pretty funny. For some reason, Paul didn't see the humor in it.

I went and did some research. Apparently this is when a hen ovulates too rapidly, which is caused by 1 of 3 things:

Heredity - What we blame all of our flaws on.
Hybrid hens - The main source of the eggs and meat you buy in supermarkets.
"Unsynchornized production cycles" - Huh?

(Thanks yet again Wiki, you never let me down!)

Not content with this and just to take the piss, I emailed the egg company to see what they'd have to say about our recent experience. Here's the email:

No response.

Which was fine.

But the next morning, THIS:

I seriously felt like I had won the egg lottery! Was this really happening to me???

So yet again I emailed the company to tell them the news. Who cares if I'm immature and I was wasting their time? This was freaking unheard of in my neck of the woods! Plus I was bored and wanted a good laugh.

Still no response.

Either the customer service really sucks in this country, or they're scared I'm going to sue them for more mutant eggs.

I'm really contemplating sending in the Chicken Police:

Are Boogers Nutritious?

2011-01-12T01:03:00.003+00:00

Today I saw a guy in his car sneak a booger into his mouth. He thought no one saw him. But I saw him. Yes sirreee I did! I love it when people think they're being sly and clever even though they're not. I wish I took a picture because then you'd have an actual visual. Many apologies for not coming through, most of the time, these kinds of things just happen on the spot. On the bright side, you aren't missing out on much, it was not a pretty site. Just felt exhilarating, like I was Big Brother watching in on him!

This got me thinking - Are boogers nutritious? Here's what I found after searching the tinterweb for 30 seconds:

There are approximately 2 calories, 3mg of sodium, 2% DV of Iron, per nail full of Boogers, plus germs.

Wow, you learn something new every day!

Don't know whose gross kid this is, just found it while searching for an answer. Can someone call DFS please? God, the longer I look at this kid, he's really deterring me from having any of my own! It's also pretty close to making me throw up in my mouth:

I bet his mom wore this T-shirt when she was pregnant with him:

Yes to any feminists reading this, that does say 'WOMB BOOGER ON BOARD'. Use your imagination...I'm really looking forward to your hate mail :)

Look, I don't care if there were negative calories in boogers and they tasted like Thanksgiving dinner! No thank you!

I would however eat these:

Anyone know where I can get some?

My Food Porn As A Child

2011-01-05T17:27:00.027+00:00

Ok, I know the words 'Children' and 'Porn' should never go together in the same sentence, but hear me out! If you were a skinny child, you more than likely didn't silently count down to snack time in school, it was recess you evil skinny kids were looking forward to. I on the other hand was anticipating cookies and juice like a crack addict ready to score. What made it even worse was 'reading time'. Here are some books that seriously kept me a fatty:

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

This is a learning book where letters in the alphabet climb up a coconut tree until it collapses. Learning wasn't so important when my teacher read this book to us, coconut pie on the other hand, was.

Winnie The Pooh

I could always relate to Winnie The Pooh when I was a child because he and I had something in common: Gluttony and constant hunger. I seriously craved honey every time I read these books, no lie! I was always so sad for him when he couldn't just get his fucking honey! Just let him have his honey!

The Little Red Hen

The Little Red Hen is a book about a little red hen who finds a piece of grain and asks all her farm friends to help her plant it and grow it. However no one helps out so no one gets the bread once its made. The moral of the story: Contribute so you get a share, if not you get nothing. My take: Fuck morals! Butter tastes really good on freshly baked bread. Give me some. Now!

The Berenstain Bears And To Much Junk Food

God I loved The Berenstain Bears series! One that really stuck with me and always made me look forward to lunch was And Too Much Junk Food. Basically, the kids binge on junk food and end up getting cavities. Moral of the story: Don't eat junk food in excess. My take: Who cares about cavities when you have dentists to make them disappear? JUNK FOOD IS AWESOME!

The Giving Tree

A story about a little boy who befriends an apple tree and over time, keeps taking from the tree until it is no more. Moral of the story: Stop being a greedy, overly consuming, selfish human being. My take: Apple strudel never sounded so good. Even better, apple strudel with vanilla ice cream!

The Three Little Pigs

This is about three pigs who set out to each build their own house. However the first two pigs build theirs quickly with weak materials to save time and money. The third takes his time and builds his with bricks. The first two pigs get eaten by the wolf. Moral of the story: Don't be a lazy, cheap bastard! The wise man built his house upon rocks, the foolish man built his upon sand. My take: Mmmmm ham would go really good with potatoes right now! Lucky wolf!

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

A book about a little mouse who asks a boy for a cookie. Then some milk. Then a mirror. Then some more milk. And so on. Moral of the story: People are never content with what they have and all they do is take, take, take. My take: Why waste a cookie on a mouse when it could go in my stomach?

Pancakes For Breakfast

This is a book about a woman who wakes up craving pancakes one winter morning. She goes to great lengths to find all the necessary ingredients to make them. Obviously, all I wanted was pancakes. Look at the cover, the butter on them is making my mouth water even now!

James And The Giant Peach

A story about a young orphan boy with evil aunts as guardians. He falls asleep and wakes up inside of the peach that was growing outside his house. Inside, he befriends insects and they make their way to New York City. Great story, but all I could think while reading this was 'Peach cobbler please!'

Stone Soup

This book is about a travelling stranger who stumbles upon a village. Everyone in the village lock their doors and close their windows upon his arrival. One villager even says to the stranger to keep moving on, there's no food here. However he pulls out a stone and boils it in a cauldron full of water, offering 'stone soup' to everyone in the village. Then one by one, they contributes a bit of food they've hoarded to make the soup taste even better and everyone eats like kings. Moral of the story: Everyone should work together and help out their neighbor in need. My take: Stone soup sounds delectable! I've thought about making this many a'times!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Holy hell did this caterpillar piss me off. He just kept eating and eating and eating and eating. All while I had to sit there listening about it with an hour and a half til snack time and 3 more hours to go til lunch. Damn you hungry caterpillar! Damn you to hell!

Alice In Wonderland

Ok now, we've all read or watched this classic. Remember those 'Eat me' cakes and 'Drink me' vials? Yeah, those really induced hunger in me. Even if I wasn't hungry. To this day I want to go to Wonderland only for the cakes! Trippy experience is a bonus of course.

Green Eggs And Ham

Dr Suess, you rock my world. There isn't a book of his I haven't read! The first time around reading this book, it grossed me out but after having it read to me the second time, I was oddly intrigued by what green eggs and ham would taste like. This book is perfect for a low carb dieter or an obese child.

Goldie Locks And The Three Bears

This is a classic story about a dumb blonde who snoops around some bears' house while they're out, eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their bed. Ending? The bitch gets eaten. Moral of the story: If you're going to be a dumb bitch and snoop in other peoples' houses, don't fall asleep in their bed. Oh, and respect others' privacy. My take: Porridge = Yummmmmmm!

Charlotte's Web

Charlotte's Web is about a little pig by the name of Wilbur who fears ending up on his owners' dinner plate when he's juicy enough so Charlotte the spider devises a plan to make sure that never happens. All I could think of was, 'Bacon with maple syrup sounds fucking delicious! Don't be scared little Wilbur, don't be scared!'

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

If you haven't read Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, you're either illiterate or from a third world country. It's a book about a kid living in poverty who inherits Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I think it's fair to assume that this book even made skinny kids salivate!

Did I miss any???? Anyone feel the same growing up???

Sea Monkeys: A Review

2011-01-03T17:18:00.006+00:00

I don't know why, but I've always wanted sea monkeys. Well to tell you the truth, I've always wanted a sea horse but I knew that was never going to happen. So the next best thing was sea monkeys. I remember seeing advertisements for them in the backs of magazines when I was a kid and wondered what the hell they were. So what are sea monkeys? Brine. Fucking. Shrimp. If I'd had known that as a kid, I would have went to The Great Salt Lake back home and got some for free! Now that I'm miles away from that as a possibility, I guess an overly-priced (€18.99) and overly-rated box of sea monkeys will have to do.

This is what was in my kit:

As you can see, my kit included a little tank with built in magnifying glasses and a ship, a submarine light to see them easier, an oxygenator that supplies their main source of oxygen (which sort of resembles a douche) , a mixing spoon and 3 sachets of sea monkey mix which :::cover your ears Mom::: looked very similar to packages of condoms. It pretty much came with everything but the water. I guess it's kinda worth the €19 now that I think about it. And I'm really excited that my sea monkeys are going to be pirates instead of doctors or astronauts, plus their ship glows in the dark!

(I actually questioned my sanity after seeing this on the box)

There's not much to making sea monkeys. First you put hot water in the tank and add sachet 1 to purify the water. Next, you put in sachet 2, the eggs. *Shudders thinking about it* For a moment I was a bit scared to put in sachet 2, because if you think about it, there's somehow 'live' eggs in there! I also felt like I was playing God. If you've been reading up on my blog, you would know that God and I have been having some issues lately and I didn't feel like pissing him off again so soon. Anyway, I tested my faith and did it. Last is sachet 3, their food. It smelled fresh, like green tea. I think I was expecting to smell something rancid like poop or vomit. I put a tiny bit in and from here on out, I only have to feed them once a week. Thank fuck for that!

So here they are! Can you see them? Yeah, neither can I. The first question that arose after it was all said and done was, "Now what?" As you can see, there's a bunch of particles floating around which kind of looks like someone dipped their dirty ass into it to spite me, swished it around, then left it for you and I to look at, saying "Hey, is that a sea monkey there? I think I see one! No wait, that's just an ass particle..." I wasn't expecting anything spectacular, but at least something I could see!

This is what a sea monkey looks like when it's full grown:

Here are some sea monkey accessories in case you're interested:

A sea monkey locket.......................OF DEATH! Seriously who would buy this for their kids?!? And what little kid would want to wear a necklace full of dead sea monkeys?!?

What the hell is this piece of work you ask? An 'In case you forgot what time it was because you were an asinine idiot and decided to wear a watch with live sea monkeys in it instead of one that actually tells the time' watch? It would be really funny to go up to someone wearing this and ask them what time it was so they could respond, "I don't know, Sea Monkey time?"

Lastly, a sea monkey keychain. WTF? Seriously, how are they supposed to breathe or eat? I actually had the choice to get this or the submarine light, obviously I chose the light. No way in hell would I be toting this around on my keychain! Mostly out of fear that I would accidentally smack it on the door when unlocking it and all the dead sea monkey carcasses would spill all over me!

Overall experience: Unimpressed.

For all those parents who regret having kids, or at least joke about it (even though we know you're serious) you really should have tried sea monkeys out first...It's not what it's cracked up to be! For those of you who will actually get some of these, beware, for something you can barely see, it's really annoying having to help them breathe every single day and feed them once a week.

However crappy this experience may have been, I'll keep you guys updated on them! This will be somewhat fun to see how big they get before I flush them down the toilet or eat them for lunch!

2011 New Years Resolutions And Such

2010-12-31T19:29:00.010+00:00

Wow, sorry about going AWOL on my blog the last couple weeks, it's just that the holidays really take the life out of me! Plus I got the flu and have been pretty close to death's fugly door this last week. No seriously, when I get sick, I retain a shit load of water, break out and makeup just seems to magnify my ugliness. This is what I see in the mirror when I get sick:

At least I still do my hair all cute, don't I? But hey, I'm almost all better now, so don't be turned off just yet!

Any who, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know, the more I think about it, 2010 was full of shit wasn't it? That's all right, I have a very good feeling 2011 will be an amazing year! Thank you Jesus, it's about time!

Here's my 2011 New Year's resolution list:

Not fart as much as I usually do, but switch to burping instead. It's far more socially accepted and easier to muffle in libraries.
Eat less Greek yogurt, it's going to be the death of me!
Watch more TV and read less. Do you know how many of my favorite shows I've missed trying to get smarter?!?
Play more video games and do less housework. More 'Me Time'!
Stop making fun of people behind their back, instead make fun of them to their face.
Lose all the weight I gained from overeating on Christmas eve, Christmas, the day after Christmas and all other 362 days this year.
Be wiser and offer annoying and unsolicited advice often.
Start drinking more. Particularly red wine instead of white and Guinness instead of Heineken. The more the better.
Be more daring. Think bright blue eye shadow daring.
Make more of a conversation with taxi drivers instead of letting Paul deal with it every time. What? How can you seriously talk about the weather every time you get into a taxi?!?

Think I can actually stick to them?

What are you guys setting as your resolutions?

Presents I Hope I Get For Christmas So I Can Re-Gift Them

2010-12-21T23:19:00.025+00:00

Hey guys, Christmas is right around the corner, are you excited?!? I am!

So I've made a list of items I hope I get for Christmas this year, just so I can give them away because I'm cheap. I hope this list helps you just in case you get one of these as presents and want to re-gift them as well.

Great for couch potatoes, warlock wanna-bes and Anemics.

Calling all Dungeons & Dragons freaks! This would go perfect with their invisible cloak and dagger of knowledge.

Great re-gift for someone who is getting married. Or just play it safe and give it to a stripper.

Perfect re-gift for someone who thinks something like this is clever. Even though it's not. (At least we both know that.)

Is it just me or does she look like she's been drugged? Anywho, this is a great re-gift for a drugged model.

I'm actually going to keep this one for me. The poop stuffed 'animal' alone is worth it!

For anyone who has ever wanted to be cool. Period.

Great re-gift for someone with a drinking problem. They'll really appreciate your generosity and thoughtfulness when it comes to their 'problem'!

To that person that's extremely racist but doesn't realize it. Think they'd get the hint? Mmmm Nazi bling!

To the asshole who has everything. No way in hell would they already have an armadillo handbag. If they do, I'll re-gift them a punch in their face instead.

To someone who just happens to have time to put a puzzle together the second their alarm goes off...WTF?

To that person who just hasn't gotten laid yet (Derrick)...

Excellent for someone who loves gloves but refuses to wear underwear. Confused?

To that person who just never seems to have money to go out so you always have to end up footing the bill.

Google Adsense Made My Day!

2010-12-20T15:25:00.001+00:00

Ok, first and foremost, to anyone out there actually reading my blog, you guys are awesome! You definitely know good material when you see it, so keep it up! Every time I see that one of you have enjoyed a post of mine, it's almost equivilant to the feeling I got the first time I watched Whats Eating Gilbert Grape? Heart warming....

Next, I'd like to share some of my success with you guys, (thanks to you guys). Last week I set up a Google Adsense account and put some ads on my blog, just to see what would happen. I surely wasn't expecting to receive a 6-figure pay check over night (even though that would be nice) but out of curiosity, I really wanted to see if Google actually pays decent. Here's my Adsense report, you decide:

As you can see, I have earned one penny in a whole week. Sorry to all you Negative Nancy's out there who think this is nothing, but I think this is amazing progress! My cup is half full! That's a penny more than I had last week! If I keep this up, I can afford to put my future children through college one day! It would be quite the conversation starter if I told people that Google got my kids an edumacation wouldn't it? Then I could join the PTA and scoff at all those parents who naively opened silly savings accounts that bled them dry....

Thanks Google Adsense, you made my day!

I'm going to make me a sandwich now.

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

2010-12-17T16:50:00.021+00:00

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

Two words: Holy hilarious!

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

Bloo Bloo Poo Poo??? WTF???

2010-12-15T04:23:00.021+00:00

Ok, in case you didn't already know, my friend Derrick is a board certified arsehole. (Yes, the same Derrick that likes D&D and wears Burger King crown hats for fun) He's a follower on my blog, but doesn't read it and yet he has no life. How is this even possible? Yesterday I nicely asked him if he's been keeping up with it. He replied by asking me what the name of my blog was again because he relies on clicking a link on my Facebook fan page to get to it but he's on a 'Facebook ban'. First off: WTF? Second off: Go fuck yourself. Third off: He thought it was called 'Bloo Bloo Poo Poo'. Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a pretty darn good name for a blog and I'm very regretful I didn't think of it first, but for fuck sake, get with it Derrick! I don't think I'm going to talk to him for a while until he can remember the name of my blog....BLAH COO COO BLAH Derrick! Take notes! And get this! He then has the audacity to ask me if I want a naked picture of him to show my readers his 'Sexiness'! I did indeed happily oblige to him making a fool of himself on the internet, however I still have not received that picture he offered. If you're going to talk the talk Derrick, walk the walk!

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest, what's the story with my bread?

It ruined my whole breakfast. I was really craving two slices of toast but I couldn't even fit this Godzilla of a slice of bread in my toaster if I wanted to! I'd have to go out and buy a fancy shmancy bagel toaster for it and I don't even eat bagels so it kind of defeats the purpose! And that's when the paranoia set in...Did God put this monster of a slice in my bread bag to humor me? Perhaps to get back at me for writing about him hating my blog??? But why would he do such a thing? God isn't vengeful, Scar from The Lion King is vengeful! I need some guidance here! This is the letter I wrote to him:

Dear God,

I have a few things I need to clear up with you. I probably shouldn't have said that you hated my blog in that one post about no one liking my blog, that was extremely low and disrespectful of me. Since you are the creator of everything, you pretty much created my blog too....Which means you do like it.

Also, may I ask a quick favor of you? Can you please not humor me by putting abnormal sized slices of bread in my bread bag? It really annoys me and only hinders me from calculating the correct nutritional value of the slice of bread I intend on consuming, not to mention preventing me from putting it in my toaster, which then infuriates me and leads me to blog about it. Thanks for listening and I trust in you always!

Love,

I'm still waiting for his reply....

Next, I'd like to take some time to share some pics my good friend Sarah sent me the other day. These are pictures of us when we were 11 and 12 years old:

Thanksgiving 1997

Holy shit was I fat!? (That's a rhetorical question so no need to answer.) As you can see in Exhibit A, that is me with my hand is in a box of Cheez-Its. I have quite the sneaky look on my face don't I? That is the look of a guilty fat kid on Thanksgiving. Also, you'll notice Sarah looks like she thinks she's the shit. She's not.

December 1997

This is at my aunt's house where Sarah and I first met. I don't remember what we were doing but it looks awkward. Oh and yes, that is a poster of a unicorn in the background. My aunt is obsessed with them, it must run in the family.

That reminds me! I learned something new today!

A winged horse is called a Pegasus, a horned horse is called a Unicorn, and a Pegacorn is a winged and horned horse! See? This is the kind of shit that should be on the Discovery Channel! Not shit about chopping down trees and fishing in Alaska!

Serious question: If all 3 were to mate, would they cancel each other out and just make a regular horse?

Saving Old People From The Cold Is One Of My Hobbies

2010-12-13T10:55:00.004+00:00

Ok, so I ran out of salt last night, which then reminded me it was about time to get groceries again. (I probably shouldn't even really be consuming or even thinking about salt because it makes me really puffy and I look like I'm hiding a few bags of cotton candy in my clothes.) So anyway, every time we go shopping, I have to drag Paul to the store and 9 times out of 10 I get lectured by him about "Stuff that I don't need and that I'm never going to use again". Last time it was about a container of freeze dried strawberries. This fell into the category of 'Stuff that I don't need'. Now, as much as I know Paul is right, deep, deep down, I still have to prove him wrong and buy the useless item that is up for debate. Last time it went something like this:

Paul: What are you going to do with those?

Me: I can put it in my oatmeal and muffins! (Pick it up, put it in the cart)

Paul: Yeah but that's what the organic raisins were for.

Me: Pleeease!? It's healthy!

Paul: You don't need it... (Oh God, not that response again!)

Me: I'm getting it!

Paul: Fine, then you're not getting dessert or any new clothes for a month.

Me: Deal! (Shit!)

(I'm still trying to figure out what I should use the freeze dried strawberries in...)

However, last night was a little different. I think Paul is finally starting to warm up to me buying useless crap for the hell of it! Either that or he realizes that there's just no use arguing with me. How do I know you ask? Because he put up very little fight to prevent me from buying these:

All Paul could do was stand there looking speechless. Seriously, could you refuse them? I like how they say 'Innocent' on the label, it made me feel even better for buying them.

Reasons I had to have one:

They were on sale, €1.50 to be exact (INCLUDING the hat)
There's 2 servings of fruit in one little bottle!
They made me laugh inside
25c of the purchase goes to Age Action Ireland - 'Helping keep old people warm this winter' (I'm all for keeping old people warm, especially in Winter.)
And last but not least, the hat I chose reminded me of the homeless pigeon lady in the movie Home Alone 2. Even though she was a scary mute in the beginning, she was so nice to Macaulay Culkin at the end :)

I'm already making use of them. It's really cold outside so I thought they would be nice cozy hats for my eggs. Their names are Wally and Pigeon Lady.

They made excellent scrambled eggs this morning that would put Rachel Ray's to shame...That bitch! I think it's because of their new hats.

Any suggestions on what else I can use these for? I'm all for 'going green' and I'd hate for them to go to waste!

**Blah Coo Coo Blah**