Bleeding Espresso

The Evil of Envy & the Importance of Staying in Your Own Lane

michelle — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:09:15 +0000

Peperoncini & clothespins

One of the most prevalent superstitions in southern Italy (and in a lot of Mediterranean cultures), is the Evil Eye. Here it’s called “malocchio” and its roots are in envy, i.e., someone feels envious of another person, even without a malicious intent behind it, thereby bringing bad luck upon the person being envied. I’ve previously written about the Italian-American equivalent of being overlooked.

Malocchio can manifest itself in the victim physically via headache and/or general malaise or it may bring about acts of misfortune — such as what happened to P last winter when our chainsaw died literally moments after someone walked past our campagna, giving it a good once-over, which in southern Italy is pretty much the telltale sign of invidia. Ahem.

Envy, of course, is a completely natural emotion, and if you happen to believe in the Seven Deadly Sins business, well you know it’s one of the biggies. But why? What’s so horrible about envy?

Aside from it just not being very nice to covet your neighbor’s job, success, wife, husband, family life, whatever, there can be very personal effects turned inward as well.

Envy can prevent us from working on ourselves and our own goals.

We can become so fixated on what someone else does or has (or seems to do or have) that we neglect the importance of working on improving ourselves and our own situations. Or it can simply plant seeds of doubt that we’re not good enough, not smart enough, and doggone no one likes us (thank you, Stuart Smalley).

In its most malicious form, envy can even lead someone to try to destroy another’s happiness — but that extreme isn’t what happens with most of us.

And yes, I say us. I’m certainly not immune to the occasional pang of the Green Monster. For me, it rarely if ever involves friends, but perhaps a blogger I don’t know or particularly enjoy — how the hell did *she* score a book deal? Things of that nature.

Several years ago when I began reading about various religions in earnest, I was immediately drawn to the Buddhist concept of acknowledging feelings and letting them pass. It spoke deeply to my heart, but I didn’t know whether I could actually do it. Turns out, I could.

I simply had to decide to acknowledge feelings and then let them pass.

If that sounds too easy to you, believe me, I’ve been there. But it really is a choice, and I believe that anyone who is committed to following through with this concept can put it into practice. Indeed, I’ve noticed that with time, the feelings are floating on by even faster and with increasingly less effort on my part. Most of the time anyway. We all have room to grow.

This release of negative emotions has become a vital component of my mental health. There’s much more to this concept for the serious student of Buddhism, of course, but for me, this one little aspect has been a game changer.

Pick a lane

But what do we gain by choosing to let envious feelings pass us on by? This is the best part. As a reward of letting go of envy, we receive the gifts of more time and increased focus to keep our eyes on our own prizes, stay in our own lanes, and not worry so much about what other people are doing and achieving. We no longer feel the urge or need to compare what is happening in our lives with what someone else is experiencing.

We each have our own unique paths, and that’s exactly as it should be.

Besides, keeping up with the Joneses is *so* 20th century.

This is not to say we should isolate ourselves from our friends’ and colleagues’ successes and happiness, though — quite the contrary! I find nothing more inspiring and heartwarming than seeing a friend realize a dream like having a screenplay become a feature Hollywood film, selling her own gorgeous handmade pottery, or becoming a mother.

Success and happiness come in infinite quantities — there’s no reason to believe someone else is taking your share.

Truly appreciating others’ success and happiness — but not coveting it — opens up your own path to personal and professional growth and fulfillment on your terms, and not on anyone else’s. What could be better than that?

As for malocchio, well, since we’re not all going to suddenly live without envy, there *are* a few precautions you can take to combat any envious feelings coming your way. In southern Italian fashion, you can sprinkle some salt around your house now and again, wear red, pepper your place with hanging peperoncino, the symbol that protects against the Evil Eye, and also make the horns (le corna) sign with your hand if and when you think someone is envying a bit too much.

Or you can always try my preferred method, killing the envy with kindness — though I still remind P to make the sign of the horns too. Just in case.

Do you have any envy/malocchio stories to share?

What are your tips for staying focused on your own goals and not comparing your achievements to those of others?

Thinking Outside the Box with Agent J

michelle — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:50:47 +0000

One of my favorite movie scenes of all time is the testing scene in Men in Black. To refresh your memory:

For those who don’t want to watch the first two minutes and fifty or so seconds of the video, let me sum it up:

Will Smith’s character (who later becomes Agent J) is in a room with other candidates so the Powers-That-Be can find “the best of the best of the best.” The candidates are all men from either military academies or the NYPD and squeezed into pod-like chairs that barely contain their bodies; they are each given an exam booklet and a pencil. As they scrunch up in their pods, twisting, wiggling, and crossing and uncrossing legs to find comfortable positions for holding the booklet and writing at the same time, Smith’s character stops, looks in front of him, and sees a table.

SCREEEEEEECH! The otherwise silent, sterile room is filled with a deafening squeal as Smith drags the heavy metal table across the floor toward him. The other candidates shoot him, as my mom would say, hairy eyeballs.

But Soon-To-Be-Agent J has already passed the test.

He thought outside the proverbial box and instead of following what everyone else was doing, he wasn’t afraid to literally make some noise and do something that got him to his goal.

Now if you’re rolling your eyes at the phrase “thinking outside the box,” I empathize. It has become trite and jargony, and in fact when I was in law school, it had an honored place on the cliché list, which includes but is not limited to (yes, there’s another!) “seeing the forest for the trees” and “learning to think like a lawyer.”

But stripped down to its core, “thinking outside the box” says in four words what I believe to be the key to success in just about any venture as well as general happiness in life. To me, thinking outside the box means not blindly following conventional wisdom and what has already been done as well as challenging assumptions about yourself, others, and the world around you.

When you think outside the box, you’re following your instincts as to what should be done, your own “right way,” and oftentimes, what you need to feel balanced and whole.

Then why do so many people encourage (or implore) you to color inside the lines, follow the rules, and stay inside the damn box? Well they’re either inside the box themselves and not sure how/afraid to get out, or even worse — they’re actually selling the box.

Look, I love plans of attack and guidelines and goals and milestones and all that stuff, and yes, in some areas of life there are definite paths that must be followed to reach a specific destination — you’re not going to become a doctor without going to college, taking the MCAT, going to med school, passing your boards, doing your residency, etc.

But overall, never underestimate the value of thinking outside the box, figuring out your own way to get from Point A to Point B, and trusting your instincts along the way. Heck, maybe you don’t even have a Point B in mind yet. No problem! Think of your current lack of a Point B as already being outside the box in this goal- and results-driven world. I’m not sure people like Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg ever knew there even was a box.

And look, while thinking outside the box can certainly be about sitting down to solve or approach specific problems, it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I like to think of it more as a way of life.

Keep your mind and heart open for opportunities that interest you, make you feel alive, and simply make you happy.

And that’s even if what arises isn’t something you’re “supposed to be” interested in or what everyone else is doing or reading or writing or whatever. Maybe you’re just looking at something from a new angle or perspective, figuratively or literally. Maybe it’s moving your writing desk from one end of the room to the other, or grabbing your notebook and a pen and heading out for a long walk.

Some more great, relatively easy ways to maneuver outside the box include the following:

Reading books outside your usual genres.

Taking a class in a subject outside your comfort zone.

Opening your mind to other religions and types of spirituality.

Starting up an exercise regime with an activity you’ve wanted to explore.

Gathering with at least two other people to brainstorm thoughts, ideas, solutions, etc.

Be forewarned, however: Sometimes when you operate outside the box, people look at you funny, make not-so-nice comments about you and your actions, and maybe even tell you you’re crazy for doing what you’re doing because, oh, I don’t know, you’re not making any money at it or you’ll never get anything out of it anyway or you’re too old or you’re too young or you’re not being serious enough to really achieve anything, so what’s the point?

Well that’s just the thing and the most beautiful part of living outside the box, even from time to time. Sometimes we don’t immediately know “the point” when we venture outside the box.

Sometimes a small spark of interest ends up turning into a passion and perhaps then into a career. Or maybe your life becomes enriched with a lifelong love of a new author, subject, or activity. Or maybe you develop amazing new friendships that remain long after that particular dalliance outside the box is over. Or maybe your time out of the box is special just because it was time out of the box, and there really is no point besides that.

That’s what’s so cool about thinking outside the box and doing your own thing — you just never know where it can lead.

And besides that, there’s nothing more stifling and frustrating than feeling boxed in, and that’s because we’re not honoring that part of ourselves that wants, that needs so desperately to get out. So what I’m really saying, I suppose, is this:

Live outside the box as much as possible. That’s where awesome happens.

Have you thought outside the box lately?

What are some other ways of getting out of your comfort zone to enhance personal and/or professional growth?

One-Word Theme for 2012: Up

michelle — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 14:16:18 +0000

Up by gothick_matt on Flickr via CC license

So here we are in 2012.

As you may or may not know, I lost one of my beloved goats on December 19th. I’m still recovering, slowly but surely, trying to remember all the good times and not feel guilty for not being able to save my Pinters. There were also some other disappointments and delusioni toward the end of the year as well, and all together, they’ve put me in a rather down mood — exactly where I hate being around Christmas, which I normally love so much.

I’m beyond grateful for all the love and support so many of you have shown — including sending surprise gifts in the mail — but time marches on. It’s time to look forward.

Once again I have decided to choose a one-word theme for 2012, just as I did last year when the word was “now.” NOW pushed me through plenty of difficult times when my instinct was to focus on anything but “now”; simply repeating that three-letter word in my mind truly aided my quest to be more mindful and live in the moment, appreciating each and every experience, even the challenging times.

In fact, I will tuck that word into my mind as my back-up one-word theme, because I know I still need to focus on the “now” in 2012. But it’s a new year, and that means it’s time for a new word.

When I started brainstorming a couple weeks ago, one word popped into my mind immediately. But was it good enough? Did it really say enough? Was it *really* what I wanted my 2012 to revolve around?

The more I thought about other words — focus, shine, do, and joy among them — the more I kept coming back to that first word. The one that has invaded my consciousness, particularly since I’ve been feeling so DOWN the past couple weeks.

That word is UP.

The ultimate optimistic word, UP will guide me through this year’s challenges and opportunities.

Looking UP and thinking positively.

Keeping UP positive changes I’ve made.

Giving UP old habits that don’t serve me well.

Finishing UP lingering projects and moving forward.

Movin’ on UP (figuratively) à la The Jeffersons‘ theme song.

About six hours after I decided on UP, I opened an email that has already massively changed my direction for 2012 — a professional opportunity that involves a partnership and my entering into a field I’ve wanted to explore since, well, forever. Cannot wait to get started. Stay tuned for deets!

On January 23, we’ll also be entering the Year of the Dragon — and I’m a dragon, born in 1976. I had been envisioning the hot air balloon as my symbol of the year — UP, UP, and away! — but this morning while lying in bed, I realized just how appropriate that is. Every hot air balloon needs a heat source to keep it UP in the air.

Enter my fire-breathing dragon.

Image by Beverly & Pack on Flickr via CC license

I’m already feeling like things are looking UP, like I’m ready to meet 2012 head-on and move onward and UPward to new, never-before-experienced-by-me heights.

What’s your one-word theme for 2012?

Finding Love, Peace, and Joy During the Holidays

michelle — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 07:46:46 +0000

“Peace be with you” is something Catholics say to one another during each and every Mass. “Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men” is what so many of us want year-round, but at Christmas in particular.

So why has my Facebook feed been flooded with posts by friends and family stressed out about Christmas since November?

Before I moved to Italy, I imagined Christmas here to be spectacular. And it is, but not in a grand, overdone way — at least as I have seen it celebrated.

Here in the depths of southern Italy, Christmas is traditionally a quiet day spent with family, eating (and eating) and talking and playing silly games like Tombola (Bingo). Some people seem to celebrate Christmas Eve, mostly by going out and visiting with others, but the big difference I’ve experienced is that things just seem calmer here than my Christmastimes in America.

Here, throughout December, I’ve always had the time to reflect on the past year, plan for the year ahead, and simply appreciate the quiet and calm of the season.

Please remember that I can only speak from my personal experience, and other experiences throughout Italy may, and I’m sure do, vary, but in my area, we just don’t have a grand parade that brings Santa Claus to town in November. We do have zampogne for Christmas day, though.

Peace / Pace

Here, there doesn’t seem to be a gazillion Christmas parties one feels obligated to attend, a thousand cookies that need to be baked, and, at least in our house but I suspect many others, no huge pressure for each person to have an enormous pile of gifts under the tree, which I think might be why when I was out and about on Christmas Eve a several years ago, it didn’t feel much different than being out and about on a usual Saturday in the wintertime — except prettier.

Yes, towns and cities put up festive lights and many churches have amazing presepi, so there’s definitely a feeling of Christmas in the air, but it’s just . . . different.

And I love it.

I didn’t always love it, though. My first few years here, I longed for Christmases past with my whole family tucked into my grandmother’s cozy kitchen eating and drinking an incredible variety of foods and beverages — Italian, Polish/Lithuanian, American — after Christmas Eve Mass.

And I still do miss that, but two years ago, I was in the States for Christmas, and I realized my nostalgia is for something that doesn’t truly exist anymore. As much as I enjoyed spending time with my family, Christmas just isn’t the same with my grandparents and some other relatives and family friends gone. And besides that, I’m not the same person either.

As Thomas Wolfe so astutely wrote, “You can’t go home again.”

So I’m learning to appreciate and respect those memories while moving forward with our own, mine and Paolo’s. Here. I’ve incorporated some of my family’s traditions like seafood on Christmas Eve (everyone thinks of the Feast of the Seven Fishes as so traditionally southern Italian, and it is, but Paolo’s family doesn’t do it at all) and instituted some others — it’s all part of going with the flow of being in a new situation, in a new country, but it’s more than that.

It’s a mindset we can all adopt at any time in our lives no matter where we live:

Stop and think about what you’re doing. Leave behind what doesn’t work for you and cultivate what does.

Sure, if flying to the States every year were financially and otherwise logistically possible, I might be more inclined to skip the tree here, buy gifts for those in the States, and jump on a plane. But that’s not our reality. We have lots of animals, and finding someone to care for dogs, goats, chickens, etc. in a place with no kennels isn’t easy to say the least. And I hardly want to leave Paolo alone at Christmas. He loves this time of year too, though celebrations as a child weren’t nearly as memorable for him as they were for me for a variety of reasons.

Indeed, that’s exactly why I like to think part of my gift to him every year is making this season a fun, special time for him, for both of us, creating a special atmosphere — and none of that is about presents. We rarely exchange gifts.

The Christmas spirit is about the atmosphere of love, peace, and calmness.

I don’t go overboard with decorations, but I do up our little tree and the stair railing (taking me back to when I was in charge of doing the staircase in my grandmother’s house); Paolo takes care of the fire in the stufa (when necessary — it’s not always cold enough to need it). Added bonus is that it gets dark so early this month that we get to enjoy the lights, fire, and cozy evenings that much more.

We carry on through December much as we do the rest of the year, dividing tasks, doing some projects, like making pizza, together, and having quiet times to ourselves as well — but the Christmas atmosphere somehow makes it all warmer and more comforting. For those who are religious, of course, there is a much deeper meaning to the season, but for us, it’s all quite simple.

And so, on a weekend in December, while Paolo is off chopping wood, you’ll find me either there with him in the campagna keeping myself busy writing, reading, or preparing my part of a meal (he’s in charge of grilling) or a casa, perhaps literally keeping the home fires burning, sometimes with the Christmas lights twinkling even during the day (one of my holiday-time splurges). I may be baking, cooking, making mandarin jam, crafting, doing laundry (electricity is cheaper on the weekends!), reading, or writing, but chances are good that for at least a few minutes, I’ll be cuddled up with a dog or two and simply soaking up the peace and quiet.

And this is what I wish for all of you this season:

The gift of being surrounded by those you love, whether they have two or four legs — and even if only in spirit.
Moments to reflect on and think about what is truly important about the holidays and year-round.
The knowledge that you are already doing enough, being enough, and simply are enough.
Peace within yourself and the desire to radiate that calm to those around you.
The ability to find joy in simple pleasures.

And taking a note from Diana Baur‘s book, I’m sending you much love, peace, and joy this Christmas and always from my hilltop in southern Italy.

Meeting Disappointment with Friends, Gratitude, and Apple Pie

michelle — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 10:27:40 +0000

Apple pies almost ready for baking

Last weekend it became clear I would not be receiving my package of cranberries and sweet potatoes in time to make an American Thanksgiving in Italy. For some, that may not seem a big deal, but Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and hands down the hardest day for me as an expat.

Read: Homesick City.

I love Thanksgiving because of its important components — family, food, and giving thanks, and when I can’t have my family nearby, well, the food I’ve been eating on this day for 30+ years becomes even more significant. And without the cranberries and sweet potatoes, well, it’s just not even worth having. Believe me, I’ve been here all but one Thanksgiving of the past nine, and not celebrating at all is better for my psyche than having a half-assed dinner.

So I had a meltdown. I wasn’t screaming or crying or anything, but I did need to vent — so I turned to Facebook. Say what you will about social networks, but for me, in times of disappointment and annoyance, they are truly a blessing. My friends rallied around my feelings with virtual hugs and many offers to send replacement supplies (a lovely thought to be sure, but the Italian postal service would never have delivered in time) and had me feeling better within a couple hours — not perfect and totally accepting of the lack of a traditional Thanksgiving this year, but pretty darn good.

And oh so grateful, not only for friends and Facebook, but also for all of the other wonderful people and things in my life.

During those conversations with friends, I came to an idea for how to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Even though I express gratitude daily and don’t need a special day to do so, Thanksgiving still holds a unique place in my heart, so I’m going to acknowledge the day by enjoying all of my friends and family’s Thanksgiving photos and greetings and by making my mom’s apple pie, one of my favorite parts of the Thanksgiving meal.

The dough is chilling in the fridge as I type.

Big ole slice of apple pie

And we’ll have our Turkey Day celebration one of these days, after the package arrives, but today will be Pie Day — homemade pizza (pie) by Paolo with apple pie for dessert, an appropriate blending of Italian and American. It won’t be anything like Thanksgivings past, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be special. I’ll still have a pang in my heart for sitting around the table with my family digging into my mom’s turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes, and there’s no reason to ignore that.

Acknowledging and making space for all of our feelings, including disappointments, is healthy.

What we shouldn’t do is let those temporary feelings take over and make decisions for us. That is one of the core teachings of Buddhism, but you don’t have to be a practicing Buddhist to grasp and practice this idea, one that has truly changed my life over the past few years.

Seeing those feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, etc., float on by, understanding that they are indeed temporary but nonetheless absolutely exist is both calming and reassuring; acknowledging them helps bring me back to center where I can again think positively and logically to come to a solution that works for me and for those around me.

So I’m grateful this Thanksgiving for another opportunity to learn from disappointment, to appreciate my friends around the world, and to celebrate another day in a place I love with the man I love (who also happens to make a mean pizza).

I wish all of you who are celebrating a wonderful Thanksgiving as well — and please have some cranberries and sweet potatoes for me!

What’s Luck Got to Do With It?

michelle — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 07:44:44 +0000

Walking on a country road

“You’re so lucky to live in Italy!”

“You’re so lucky to be living your dream!”

These and similar statements land in my inbox a few times a month. I know what the writer means, but I also hope they understand that luck is a small portion of what got me here — and that if they’re sitting around waiting for the Magic Unicorn of Luck to pick them up and ride off into the Sunset of Dreams, well, I hope they packed a lunch.

Luck — good and bad — plays a role in all of our lives.

I know I am lucky — ridiculously, amazingly, fantastically lucky. And I’m ever so grateful. I’m lucky to be alive. I’m lucky to be healthy. I’m lucky to have been born into a family that loved and cared for me, and in a place where I didn’t have to fight the odds just to survive infancy. I’m also lucky that I was born with a decent amount of intelligence and natural tenacity.

All of those things, I would say, make me one of the luckiest people on the planet. I had nothing to do with any of those circumstances, and I’m lucky they all went in my favor.

Has everything gone perfectly in my life? Please. We all have bad luck too, but more than that, we all have challenges and struggles and disappointments and just shitty times. But none of those things are what defines us.

How we handle good as well as bad luck is who we are.

If we’re willing to learn, how we deal with both booming and tough times can teach us a lot of what we need to know about ourselves. This knowledge comes in handy in many situations, but especially when we’re faced with hard decisions and potentially life-changing opportunities. Because even if you have the best opportunities always falling into your lap, luck is never going to be what pushes you forward.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” ~ Seneca

To make the most of an opportunity, indeed even to see an opportunity for what it is, you have to be prepared. You must do the work to put yourself in the mindset that makes you ready to jump when you “luck” shines upon you, when you see that sliver of light, that tiny bit of hope, that opportunity you’ve been waiting for, which, incidentally, sometimes comes cleverly disguised as the exact opposite of what you had been waiting for. Luck has a strange sense of humor.

What happens at that point is called choice.

No matter our relative luck levels, no matter how dire our emotional, financial, work, or other situations, that choice, that free will — that’s what makes us human. The ability to step back, look at our lives, and decide what to do next is so very precious, but sometimes we don’t notice an opportunity for what it is because it’s up to us to really, truly make it one. And that can’t happen if we’re not ready or prepared to do that. Circumstances sometimes limit our choices, but even not choosing — being a chronic non-decider who just lets things happen around them — is a choice.

Chestnuts on the tree

Tough decisions, the ones that tend to yield the most rewards, are called “tough” for a reason.

So how do we get prepared? Well-informed decisions and smart choices are built on a lifetime of getting to know who you are, what you want, what makes you happy, what makes you anxious — and you don’t learn that kind of stuff in Unicorn Valley.

In Hamlet, Polonius told his son Laertes, “To thine own self be true.” Timeless advice, and the only way to know thine own self is to put yourself out there, try new experiences, and make a lot of mistakes. Through trial and error, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, where you want to be (not only physically), and an amazing amount of other knowledge about yourself that you never even knew you didn’t know.

And as a reward for all that hard work:

Your journey to self-awareness is not only enlightening along the way, it can make tough choices down the line easier.

Easier to make, that is. Not necessarily easier to carry through. After that initial choice, you see, comes the all-important follow-through, and that consists of tiny choices every single day to continue on the path you’ve chosen. And now we’re getting to the nitty gritty, Thoreau’s “suck[ing] the marrow out of life.”

Eight years ago, I decided to create my own opportunity by moving to Italy. No one popped up with a job offer here that would have made that decision a tiny bit easier. Knowing myself and what I wanted to accomplish over the next few years, I decided to ditch the chance to make big bucks in Big Law and follow my passion for writing while fully immersing myself in a foreign language and culture without knowing more than a few words of Italian. I wanted a deeper connection with a place I was being so strongly pulled toward, the land of my ancestors. And I knew I’d only be in my mid-twenties with no major attachments once, so I went for it.

Badolato from a new angle

Boom! Choice made.

And believe me when I tell you that was the easiest part of this whole thing.

So what actually keeps me here, keeps me motivated and pushing forward every single day to live deliberately, to live the life I want to live, on my own terms? That’s not luck, and it’s not even the original choice to move here. Heck, I could always move back.

I’m still here because of a series of small choices made each and every day.

Some days the choices are easier than others — like times when P and I are enjoying our campagna we’ve worked hard to build together. I might even call that a no-brainer. Or when I see my writing career making great strides with each passing year. Definitely motivating.

But then come Facebook messages about my nephew’s football games and my niece’s basketball games back in the States. Doubts creep in, and the reality of missing out on their everyday lives weighs heavily on my heart. Is this *really* where I’m supposed to be right now?

Hey, no one ever promised living life on my own terms would be easy, and sadly, no magic unicorns have shown up to guide me. But getting to know yourself and making conscious, informed choices on how to live your life, your one and only life, each step at a time, based on what you know to be true? I don’t know of any better way to move toward that Sunset of Dreams, which, by the way, is a moving target if you’re doing things right.

Indeed, the learning process, realizing things about yourself, looking at situations from different angles, dreaming up of new ideas, goals, and adventures — those never end if you don’t let them. How lucky are we?!

Living Deliberately: When Your Loved Ones Don’t Get It

michelle — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 06:18:25 +0000

A walk in the woods

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to love deep and suck the marrow out of life. To put to rest all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, realize that I had not yet lived.”

~ Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Whether in the 1800s or 2000s, the path to sucking the marrow out of life and living on your own terms is paved with challenges, including dealing with those who don’t understand the concept. Robert Louis Stevenson called Thoreau’s journey into the woods “unmanly” and something he “tended with womanish solicitude.” John Greenleaf Whittier wrote that Thoreau would have man “lower himself to the level of a woodchuck on walk on four legs.”

Safe to say they didn’t get it.

George Eliot did though:

“People—very wise in their own eyes—who would have every man’s life ordered according to a particular pattern, and who are intolerant of every existence the utility of which is not palpable to them, may pooh-pooh Mr. Thoreau and this episode in his history, as unpractical and dreamy.”

Quite a woman, that George Eliot (real name Mary Ann Evans), and it’s amazing how wise her words still are, as many of us who have chosen a path different from the norm can appreciate.

In our private communications, Diana Baur* has called this “the untold side of the expat story.” When we carve paths for ourselves that are independent, open, and outside of conventional boundaries, even if it’s without leaving one’s home country but it seems especially then, we run the very real risk of losing people along the way.

I wish I could tell you that when you take your life into your own hands and create your path, all of your loved ones will be overjoyed for you. That they’ll continue loving and supporting you, so very proud that you not only know what you want but are also working your ass off to get there — learning, growing, and confronting challenges you had no idea existed. That no matter what you do in life or where you go, you’ll always be able to lean on the support network you thought was solid. But I can’t.

Some of your loved ones not only won’t get it, they won’t even care to try.

Now let’s be clear. It’s completely understandable that your mom may not *immediately* get why you’re planning on a year in an ashram in India, or that your childhood best friend can’t wrap her head around your career change from investment banking for teaching. You can’t make enormous life changes and expect that everyone you know will understand your choices and motivations from the moment you reveal your master plan — or even your next step.

Picking pinecones

But if you’re lucky, you have some people around you who care enough to try to understand.

Through that experience, some in your inner circle will prove to be your lifelong connections; they’ll do so by hanging in there. They’ll talk to you about your life, your goals, your dreams, your decisions, your actions, and try to understand where you’re coming from — and you will reciprocate and keep up the relationship you’ve always known, only enriched by new experiences and a deeper level of understanding.

They’ll travel across the city, country, or the world to visit you if you’ve physically moved, send you silly e-cards and motivational quotes when you’re having a bad day, or simply make sure you know about what’s happening in their daily lives, ask you about yours, and otherwise remain involved and engaged in your relationship.

They know that the lines of communication run two ways, and they will keep their end open so you know they love and support you, no matter what.

I’m lucky. My parents were blindsided by the whole “move to Italy” thing eight years ago, but they’ve loved and supported me anyway. Neither of them would choose to have their daughter live halfway around the world, but they accept that this is what I have decided is best for me — and they understand it has nothing to do with moving away from them and everything to do with moving toward me. In other words, they’re happy that I’m happy.

Unfortunately, there will probably be another type of person in your current sphere — the kind who flat-out refuses to try to understand your life as you envision it, or perhaps as you’re already living it.

These are people with closed minds and strict ideas not only of their own lives but also of yours and everyone else’s, or as Eliot wrote much more poetically, “intolerant of every existence the utility of which is not palpable to them.” They can’t fit you comfortably into a proverbial box, which means you threaten everything they think they know as absolute.

You thought these people loved you unconditionally, but, as it turns out, they only support you when you live on their terms, according to their plans and expectations. They may or may not confront you about the mistakes they think you’re making, but regardless they can’t help but judge your decisions and withhold love and support based on those judgments, whether they are based in fact or assumption (usually assumption since they don’t know enough about your life on which to base a valid opinion anyway).

Diana has written about the monstrous benefits of changing your life, and I actually think this is one of them — learning who really has your back and who will only be there for you when it’s convenient or comfortable for them. I call these types of people conditional lovers. And I also call bullshit.

Sunlight streaming in

Unconditionally is the only true way to love.

People who offer conditional love can suck the energy, inspiration, and dreams right the hell out of you if you let them. So don’t.

When it becomes painfully obvious that in certain places all you will find is a wall of judgment, condescension, and conditional love, it’s tough. When you’ve tried for days, weeks, months, or even years to keep a relationship going, but you get nothing but criticism and judgment in return, it can tear your heart out, stomp on it, and throw it down a ravine.

If you’re living a good life, though, you’ll feel that deep inside, and you’ll realize that if someone else is judging or criticizing you, it’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s about their own insecurities and failures and unhappiness, and if they don’t want to try to understand you and your life, that’s their loss — and so *not* your problem.

At that point, it’s time to go retrieve your heart, glue up the cracks as best you can, and move on.

How you react to the actions of others is always your choice, and you can either allow conditional lovers to suck up your time and energy, letting their snide comments, judgments, and lack of a desire to understand break your heart over and over again, or you can follow Thoreau and continue to suck the marrow out of life on your own terms, live deliberately, be mindful of each and every precious moment, and cherish the wonderful people around you who *do* love and support you unconditionally.

I don’t know about you, but I’m with Thoreau on this one.

*A special thank you and un abbraccio fortissimo to Diana Baur at A Certain Simplicity for being my North Star at the other end of the boot in Piemonte.

The Sweet Season of Change

michelle — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 09:19:46 +0000

Did you hear something?

Every year at this time many of us talk about how September feels like someone has pushed the restart button and given us just a few more months to reach those yearly goals.

Of course this is linked to our “back to school” years when everything did change drastically from one year to the next, but even if you’re not headed back to school, the fall — the literal season of change — is the perfect time to take even one small step toward whatever new habit, hobby, activity, or whatever you’d love to pursue.

You already know that I began a new venture last month while letting go of a long-standing job as well. I’ve also taken on a few different, new projects, and I have to say, it’s all very exciting. Lots of changes in the air, for sure, but I’m also reflecting on a minor but huge change I made last year at this time:

I stopped putting sugar in my cappuccino.

Even though I’ve always had a sweet tooth, I never used sugar in American coffee. I’m not sure why I started using it when I moved to Italy — I guess just because I saw everyone else doing it, and darn it, it does taste pretty good with that touch of sweet.

Then one morning, last year around this time, I decided no more sugar in the cappuccino, iced coffee, espresso, etc. Nothing. Yes, the first few sips were a shock to the system, but by the third day or so, I didn’t notice anymore. Now I don’t even think about it.

I was able to succeed with the sugar, and a funny thing has happened along the way. My sweet tooth? It’s kind of disappearing. I no longer crave sweet — unless it’s a banana or handful of grapes. Who knew that the key to craving less sugar was eating less sugar? Huh.

But that was it. Just like that:

Decision to stop (or start) doing something + follow-through = new daily habit.

OK, so the follow-through isn’t always going to be easy. You’re going to have to make that decision to go forward many times over, every day most likely. Over and over. Again and again. Even when you don’t really *want* to do (or not do) whatever it is you decided was worth doing. Especially then, in fact.

So when it comes to those moments, remember back to the excitement with which you started your project. All those awesome reasons you knew this was something you just *had* to do. Think about what you’re working toward, and how great it’s going to feel when you’ve achieved that goal.

And then do it. Just. Do. It.

Sorry to sound like a Nike ad, but I’m really starting to believe no truer words have ever been plastered on the side of a bus.

And autumn is the perfect time to begin with that first step toward achieving your goal, isn’t it? I love fall.

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” ~ George Eliot

Grapevines / la vite

I’m an autumn baby, so I think that has something to do with my attraction to this season, but even though the cooler weather hasn’t exactly kicked in yet in southern Italy, I’m already looking forward to sweaters, the stufa going strong with a fire, vendemmia, cuddling up with P again, and heck, I’m going to put it out there right now — I’m doing NaNoWriMo once again this year. Gah!

For those who don’t know, NaNoWriMo is short for “National Novel Writing Month” and it’s kind of online support group in which participants strive to write a 50,000-word novel from scratch in a month’s time — November. I’ve done this in the past and technically “won” by reaching the mark, but you may have noticed I haven’t plugged my own novel yet. Boo.

So this year, I’m doing things differently — I can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, right? So instead of going in with only a vague idea of the story I want to tell like I’ve done in the past, I’ve already been outlining and mapping things out and will continue to do so throughout October. Over the years, I have learned that I find it much easier to sit down and write if I already have at least a rough plan in front of me. Some writers love flying by the seat of their desk chairs, but I find that without some guidance, I can quickly write myself write into a big ole corner. And that’s gotta stop.

Making changes in your life is all about discovering what works for you and what doesn’t.

Sometimes it takes a while, years even, to find that groove, and what you discover may not be what works for anyone else in the entire world, but that’s not your concern. Your concern is you, and finding what keeps you motivated and moving in a positive direction. Heck, even finding your positive direction can be a huge challenge. Are you up for it?

Are you making any changes this fall?

Answering Middle of the Night Calls to Action

michelle — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:24:23 +0000

Chamomille Way, Badolato

A few weeks ago, my eyes popped wide open in the middle of the night. I was completely, coherently awake at 3 a.m., like when a nightmare shocks you out of a deep sleep, and you know there’s no chance of returning so you just grab a book or a drink and hope for the best.

Yes, I had been a bit uncomfortable because of the heat, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary for August. I had only been sleeping for about three hours, so I knew there must be something up — I just hoped it was a “good” up.

Before long, my mind drifted to my recent decision to leave About.com as the guide to law school after three years. My thought process wasn’t about regret or uncertainty, it was: “How can I make that experience work for me?”

Half a minute later, an idea seed that had been planted in my mind years ago began to sprout.

Life is all about timing.

I slipped into my flip-flops, brewed espresso in the moka, sat down with my iced coffee and the Macbook under the moonlight (OK, nearby streetlight) on the balcony, and started researching.

A few hours, a Scrivener project, a spreadsheet, and a page of hand-scribbled notes later, I had the rough outline of what would become Personal Statement Artist — launched last week.

Unless you’re applying to law school or know someone who is, you probably don’t care about the details, so I’ll spare you, noting only that it’s a personal statement editing and review service for law school applicants (please see site for more info!). As the About.com guide, I had offered free personal statement reviews as a way to increase interest in the site; I loved every second of the critiques as requests piled up and I began to wonder what I had gotten myself into. Hundreds upon hundreds of law school applicants were looking for help, and I was happy to oblige.

On my end, it was an awesome privilege to help them through a stressful time in their lives, offer guidance of the been there/done that persuasion regarding personal statements and more, and, best of all, open those excited emails months later when people I had counseled were accepted to their top choice programs and couldn’t wait for the semester to start.

Over the years, starting this type of service flitted in and out of my mind, but the timing was always off, and so it stayed in seed form, buried in my subconscious. When it peeked through the surface this time, though, I snatched it and ran — or to keep the metaphor going, I gave it some nourishment and water. I had a domain and gorgeous Themeforest WordPress theme within days; the rest was just filling in the gaps.

Pinpointing your passions is crucial, but you must also be prepared to run with your ideas.

My original plan for the last two weeks of August was very little computer, house-decluttering, reading lots of books and magazines, and spending time with P and all the girls as well as enjoying Tarantella Power, the annual music festival that takes place in my village.

Best laid plans, right? They were out the finestra faster than a Ferrari on the A3 Salerno-Reggio Calabria. Law school application season starts September 1, so if this was going to happen this year, I had to jump. As it is, I may be too late entering the mix, and there are still lots of details to iron out and add (like an e-book!), but the basics are there for me to build on this year and beyond if I so desire.

Would I recommend trying to get a new venture going in two weeks while otherwise working full-time in the dog days of August? I was lucky. I already knew quite a bit about this market since I was in and around it for several years — and I even had a skeleton plan drawn out in my head from way back when as well. I was no stranger to website-building either, having done it a few times before.

Stairway to Paradiso, Badolato

Bottom line: if I can do it, so can you.

Ideas won’t always take shape quickly, but they’ll never come to anything without taking the first step.

And sometimes, as it was in this instance, that first step is as simple as answering that middle of the night call to action by physically getting out of bed.

If I had rolled over and gone back to sleep that night, would I have mustered up the excitement and drive necessary to push this forward? What if I had stuck to my vacation plans and waited until September or even for the next application season for every little detail to be in place? What if I hadn’t had that pressing deadline to finish? Would I have ever done this at all?

I don’t know the answers, but believe me, vacation time would have been more than welcome around Ferragosto. Aside from just needing a break, I don’t do well in lengthy, unbearable hot spells, which we experienced throughout much of August. My mind threatened sciopero (strike) many times over, but the importance of strategic sleeping patterns, frequent showers, and well-placed fans (nope, no A/C) cannot be overestimated.

And neither can the inspiration of a new project along with a tight deadline for completion.

Now in early September, my house could still use some love and the books and magazines have piled up even further (I still found time for P, the girls, and Tarantella Power), but my new site is up and running, and I can’t wait to see what else this fall, this glorious season of change, has in store for me. I already have some new projects lined up as well as several fresh ideas bouncing around in my head.

And I hereby promise to answer any and all future middle of the night calls to action.

Who’s with me?

You Can’t Steal Second Base with Your Foot on First

michelle — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 05:51:19 +0000

Palazzo of Eleonora Ricci Misheff & Alzek Misheff, Acqui Terme, Italy

“Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first base.”

- Frederick B. Wilcox

I love that quote. It’s a great reminder that risk is a necessary part of life if you want to achieve anything great (as defined by you, of course). Those words pop in my mind when I find myself doing something “for the money” despite having no passion for it while half-trying (but really just hoping) to succeed at my pie-in-the-sky goals — and cursing the fact that I haven’t reached them yet.

Going through the motions takes valuable time and energy away from working toward our true goals.

Some of you may be thinking, “But we need money to live!” and that there’s nothing wrong with earning an honest living, no matter what the job is. You won’t get an argument from me on that. Many of us have responsibilities beyond ourselves, so there are times we have to suck it up and bring home the bacon. Period.

It’s also important, though, to be ready to reach for the proverbial brass ring (however you define it).

Will timing ever be perfect? Nope. Are you guaranteed to succeed? Hardly. Can I promise you there won’t be nights when you’re staring at an empty refrigerator, licking the inside of the peanut butter jar for dinner? Can’t.

But I bet you knew this:

If you want to win big, you’ve got to play big.

And for ordinary folks like us, playing big never seems to come with a safety net.

Several years ago in order to supplement my income while starting a freelance writing career, I taught English part-time. It wasn’t fabulous money, but it was steady, and it allowed me to eat, which is always a bonus.

With each passing lesson, the dread factor rose exponentially. The mental and emotional drain coupled with the traveling stole valuable time and energy from my efforts to build a freelance writing career — what I had been proclaiming was my goal.

At the end of my contract, I was faced with a choice: keep teaching for the guaranteed money or devote myself to this freelance writing thing once and for all.

I chose the latter, and it paid off big time as I gradually began building a name for myself, and I do mean gradually. Trust me, my tax returns from those early years were beyond pathetic, and we won’t even talk about the kinds of “meals” we had around here for a while. But I don’t regret — or forget — one single second of those tough times.

The decision to *not* teach gave me my time and energy back. It motivated me to earn back the money that I’d be missing and then some. And it also gave me a swift kick in the bum to dedicate myself to what I had been saying was my ultimate goal.

I brought my actions in line with my goals.

How often do we know exactly what we want to achieve but still spend most of our time doing something else? The “must-dos” take up so much of our time and energy that we’re left with little if any for our true goals in life — and we’re left feeling unsettled, unfulfilled, and downright exhausted from trying (and probably failing) to do everything well.

Palazzo of Eleonora Ricci Misheff & Alzek Misheff, Acqui Terme, Italy

Please don’t think I’m immune to keeping my foot on first base for too long, though. What a fantastic, stifling crutch a steady, predictable income can be, especially for someone who has both had one and not had one. I was reminded of this again recently by Srinivas Rao, who writes about losing his “safety blankets” at Skool of Life — and unfortunately not by his choice. Yet Srinivas writes about “embracing uncertainty”:

“The beauty of an uncertain future is that it’s open for being written according to your desires.”

Beautiful!

In fact, just as with my English-teaching job, I’m now at a similar crossroads now with a long-standing writing gig that guarantees me a nice chunk of income every month but fails to spark my writing passions and also isn’t moving me forward. I feel stagnant. The opposite of progress.

I know I’ve taken all the positives I can from that position, and now it’s time to move on and refocus on my goals.

It’s time to dedicate myself to things that will move me forward, closer to where I want to be.

Of course it hasn’t been an easy decision. It never is. There’s just no telling how this will turn out — whether I’ll achieve my ultimate goals now that I have this “free” time to pursue them, or more tangibly, whether I’ll make up that missing money, and if I do, how long that might take.

But I do know, especially in the current economy, I’m outrageously lucky to have been able to choose when to drop my safety net. Whether the choice is ours or not, it’s scary to gather up your future in your hands and tend to it with no guarantees. But it’s awfully exciting too, isn’t it?

As carissima Diana Baur at A Creative Simplicity writes, though, sometimes you have to “forget the parachute“:

“Relying on our parachutes has made us blind to something: we do have wings. Eventually we can, if we really want to, throw the parachutes away.”

It’s during those times as we fly parachute-less — whether it’s by choice or not — that we find out what we’re really made of, what we can truly achieve, and so much more about ourselves and others, which I’ll leave to explore in future posts.

Our desired end points vary, but once we’ve zeroed in on what we want, we owe it to ourselves and to the world to devote enough of our precious time toward achieving our goals. Otherwise we’re looking at pipe dreams, guaranteed disappointment, and no chance of ever stealing second base.

And while we’re on the baseball theme, why not swing for the fences once in a while too? Play ball!

Have you been guilty of wanting to steal second but keeping your foot on first?

What steps can you take to move forward toward your goals, even if they involve risk?

*I’ve written more about the palazzo in the photos at Inspiration Via Acqui Terme.