“Hey!  Why did that lady just yank her kid out of the store by his hair? Someone should call C.S.D.”

“No.  Don’t.  She’s Italian.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you told me because I almost called and then that poor lady would have been wrongfully accused.”

Anyway, mom is Italian but aside from that, she was a mean bitch when she was angry.

The time was 1976, 1977 or somewhere in between.  I had a vivid imagination back then, and at the time it was focused on my love and adoration of witches.  Pretending to be one was just my thing.  Mom could have explained to me that boys must be warlocks but I guess it just wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things.  Warlocks weren’t even interesting come to think of it, just sharply dressed.  She never explained the differences and all that could have backfired.  “So Doc, I guess the reason I put on a dress before hitting the town is because for the first five years of my life (the developmental and character building phase), mom failed to inform me that witches have vaginas.”

My favorite movie at that time was The Wizard of Oz.  I’m sure this is why I enjoyed being a witch.  Mom liked playing the part of one too, and I remember she would chase me around the house and tickle me with her long fingernails and I would laugh uncontrollably.  I could never forget those nails either.  They were industrial strength, built not just for tickling gender confused boys but for rock climbing with her bare hands.  I’ve seen a lot of women with paper thin nails and I’ve always thought, those poor, malnutritioned ladies.  However, Mom’s nails were planks of wood attached to fingers all the size of thumbs.  There was no clipping them: it was a sanding task, really.  She could have whittled them into statuesque wooden eagles, or totem pole sculptures like you see driving through small coastal towns.

She made me a witch hat, a very sophisticated invention too.  The materials used were old newspaper clippings (probably the obituaries ) painted black and sculpted into a little boy’s dream.  I wore it proudly around the house playing witch and trying to tickle her back with my one good hand and a bad, cerebral palsy, crooked, rubber chicken monstrosity of a hand.  Hat or no hat, in the dark ages I would have been accused of witchcraft and drowned alive in water just for that sorry impression of a hand.  Hell, my hand is a witch all on its own.  When I try to do things with it I can almost hear it cackling and crying out, “I’ll get you, my pretty and your little dog too! ….”  You know what would be cool?  If my hand had the bad witch theme music from the movie every time I did something like wave awkwardly to someone or go to shake their hand.  What a world, what a world.

One such day I was playing my favorite fantasy when it was cut short by the arrival of the furnace repairman.  It was important to get that furnace fixed too.  It was vital because it didn’t just provide warmth throughout our house but was a destination in itself.  We had one of those old fashioned furnaces that blew out from floor vents.  These were no electric wall heaters: they were the real deal, fueled by oil.  The Middle East produced not just energy, but perfect, warm and cozy memories that wrapped around little children like blankets as we sat there on corner vents heating up in the cold early mornings.  Yes, blood has been spilt for my comfort.  Back in those days, I never felt safer, sitting there as hot old oil and heater dust blew around every inch of my body and into my small child lungs while I wore my very flammable newspaper witch hat glazed over with black lead based paint.  Some basic necessities are worth mentioning and more importantly, worth fixing.  Even if it meant I had to put my witchcraft on hold.

The heating repairs took place in our basement and I use that word loosely.  I would feel more confident describing it as an extremely large secret crawl space under our house.  There was no flooring or insulation of any kind.  The floors were cold grey cement and the walls were made of concrete.  The walls were basically the foundation of the house and were heavily scarred with stress cracks.  The walls bowed out and the cracks made small replica sized waterfalls during the rainy season which was all year long in Portland.

The steep staircase leading down into this 1940’s European makeshift war room was flimsy and would have done poorly in an endurance test against my mom’s thumb-fingered planks.  I’m sure one of the selling points of our home was the back northwest wall.  It had storage space available for use.  This wall did not extend to the ceiling but instead it came up only half the distance and then gave way to a deep dark abyss that indeed was the storage space I speak of.  This area was an outstandingly sized cubbyhole perfect for hiding body limbs, crime scene evidence, or guns for weapons trade.  If one was so inclined, they could even have filled it with garbage sacks of human hair, and better yet, with the right building materials could have been used to fence in live humans themselves: ten to twelve fully grown or eighteen to twenty small children. Maybe even more if the equation accounted for Asians. The corner utility sink was also made of concrete, divided into two sections and housing separate drains which I’m sure at one time was used for the sole purpose of scrubbing away blood stained hands, seaman stained dresses, or even a mattress.

The door which let out into the garage was one of the few things not made with cement.  There was nothing puny about it though.  It was like one big wooden vault door.  If the door had a soul you would not have known because the windows were all knocked out.  I suspect this was probably another moment of Italian rage.  All four windows were replaced with screen mesh and covered with cardboard on either side.  There was no seeing in and there was no seeing out.  The extent of the security was a rusted pad lock.  If you managed to get past that you were almost free from the Bruhn family life.  However, if you were courageous enough to break into our home from the outside, you still had one more wave of security awaiting you: the upstairs door leading back into our kitchen had a small bathroom hook lock.  I shit you not.  We all slept sound at night knowing we were safe from intruders by the pure brute force of a hook lock!  This was not a small room holding Q tips, cotton balls and feminine hygiene products, it was a house with a family dwelling inside.  There were three children and a mom and dad.  What were my folks thinking?

My point: downstairs was not your ordinary basement, it was an on-location set for Saw.  Regardless, it was furnace repairman’s work environment and the staging area for the following events which would follow all because a five year old boy was curious about more than just his gender role.

I decided that since I wasn’t playing at the moment I’d head downstairs to watch him do his work.  I sat down on the weak staircase and could hear it begging me from underneath my ass.  “Get off me little boy… or girl, you’re heavy.”

We had superficial chit chat while he worked on our furnace.  I’m sure I was bothering him.  A man like that likes to be left alone in his work.  I was just a weird boy in a witch hat, and a working man like him doesn’t have a lot on his mind.  In fact the less he has to think about the better off everyone in his life is.  A quite mind means he doesn’t dwell on the consequences of his life’s decisions.  He simply didn’t say much, and I’m sure he was trying to keep his mind off the thought that he repairs heaters for a living.

He quickly and efficiently removed important screws from the heater casing.  That’s over twenty years of experience working right there.

Another heater, life’s good.  Why isn’t someone watching this weird little boy?

Then he stood in position as he removed the casing.

This wasn’t an accident.  I’m a seconded generation heater repair man.  Why didn’t I question whether this was or wasn’t my destiny?  I just followed suit.  Pops just lied, this is no career.  It is a job.

Then he examined the engine parts, peering behind dirty wires and greasy blocks of metal, taking it very seriously.  He was like a back alley surgeon, ashamed of his work but knowing the importance of it nonetheless.

“What was that kid?  Did you ask if I like The Wizard of Oz?”  His words drifted off preoccupied by his own work.

I believe it was right about that time he found what he was looking for, and he seemed happy, as if getting this fixed would bring him a few minutes closer to being at home with a six pack of beer, slugging them all down but one.  The last beer was to wash down the chicken pot pie that his wife had better have ready before his favorite show started the night off for his late night TV extravaganza and numbing session.

This was a dangerous way of thinking.  It was a double edge sword.  Yes, it is true you are one minute closer to your beer, but also another minute closer to it starting all over again tomorrow morning.  It’s a good thing I wasn’t smart enough then to counter his excitement with today’s observation.

It was also that very moment that mom called out from upstairs.  “Lonnie, you are not wearing slippers, you cannot be downstairs without them.”

I protested the notion of wearing the slippers.  Sure we were basically outside but I wasn’t cold, nor were my feet, and I was very interested in the possibility of being a furnace repair man.  To run upstairs would mean I might miss something of little importance.  For example, he might burn his fingers trying to pull out a block of hot metal.  If I was upstairs putting on slippers I might miss his artful reconstructed of swear words.  I might miss him putting together a collection of words that should never go together, let alone make any sense. Like, “Ah, YOU FUCK MY KNUCKLES, BITCH!”

If upstairs, it would simple go to waste.

Mom was serious though, this wasn’t a debate.  I don’t understand why I continued to ignore her wishes.  A simple task and I could have been back downstairs alone with a disgruntled grown stranger working a dead end job in the heating business.

“Mom,” I shouted. “No, he’s almost done and I’m not even standing, I’m sitting on the stairs.”

My mom had a lot of energy back then.  She hadn’t been broken yet I guess, and there was never much room for debate when it came to her directions.  Talk was cheap.  First came the stomping of the feet from the living room area.  I could then hear her rounding the corner into the dining room and then into the kitchen.  The stomping got louder as the thunder from above moved toward the weak bathroom-door-hook-security system latching the downstairs door shut.  That hook was the only thing between me and a beating from a very angry Italian woman.  I wasn’t going to take any chances gambling on the strength of the hook.  This was no tickling chase, this was no drill.  It was the real thing and I had to take things seriously if I wanted to get out alive.

I was in trouble all because I couldn’t just put on those slippers.  I wasn’t ready for a beating, it would have embarrassed me in front of my new friend.  In a moment of panic I leaped off the staircase and threw open the large wooden vault door on which apparently the rusty pad lock was not locked at all but only there for decoration.  In a split second I had a flash of brilliance: the best bet for escape was by big wheel.  I jumped aboard and started peddling as fast as I could toward the light of the double door garage.  The outside world was moments away.  It was like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark with the bowed out walls closing in on me and cracking even more with each step she took down the weak stairs.  They held up though.  Damn those stairs!  It seemed the closer she got the slower I went, like those horrible dreams when you are being chased and no matter how fast you run it’s like running through invisible quicksand.  Lucky for me, I was outside.

Even though I pulled off a great stunt in which I used my red big wheel emergency brake attached to the right wheel to peel out around the corner and on to the sidewalk, the stunt driving maneuver I used to turn onto the strait a way slowed me considerably and she was gaining.  On the other hand, I had no more obstacles.  I was trucking down the side walk and almost free and clear.

Okay so here’s the thing.  I don’t really know what I was even thinking.  I had no plan for after the escape.  Where was I going to go once I got away?  I was five, maybe pushing six if I was lucky?  It’s not like I could drop into hiding; you know, lay low and keep off the streets until the dust settled.  I didn’t even have friends.  I was a little confused boy in a witch hat with a weird hand.  Nobody was outside yelling, “Quick! Hide in here, we will repaint your big wheel and give you a haircut and a fresh set of clothes!”   I did not think this through.

Somehow Mom was gaining on me.  How was that possible?  It’s not like she was in shape.  Was she secretly training for a triathlon in her spare time?  Maybe if I had my slippers on.  It probably didn’t help that I was laughing hysterically too.  I was laughing even harder than when I was being tickled by her totem poles.  I must have lost my mind: I thought this was funny, I thought this was fun.  It was better than any Wizard of Oz reenactment.  It was a fucking rush is what it was.  But the euphoria was short lived.  She caught up with me halfway down the block.

I was yanked out of the big wheel as it was moving.  In a split second I went from escaping to seeing my big wheel rolling forward on its own.  Go big wheel, I’ll keep her busy.  Get away.  I’m no good to you now. I remember her then literally kicking it up into a yard.  So much for either of us getting away from this inevitable rage.  I was dragged back into the garage and past the cracks.  I noticed their sadness, as if some of them lost bets.  Then I was pulled past my friend still working on the heater, who worked feverishly to finish before he was a witness to a crime.  Mom carried me up the stairs by a wad of my hair.  I misjudged the weakness of those stairs.  Mom was swearing out sentences that would have made the repair man jealous.  If he was smart, he would have been jotting down notes for the next knuckle burn.  She was breathing heavy from the chase.  At that very moment she was the embodiment of anger.

“You think it’s fucking funny running away from me like that?“ she spewed out half winded and not really expecting an answer.  “Oh you’ll see how funny it is when I get you up stairs.”

Destination kitchen.  The door slammed shut.  (Some help you were door hook.)

I’ll bet you laugh when I smash your fucking witch hat,“ she announced as she pulled it off my head.  And put it on the drain board counter.

“No.”  I screamed out as I burst into tears.  “Mom, please,” I begged.

POUND.  Mom’s little fist smashed down onto the hat.  POUND.  Her fist hit again.  Look at this as I smash it again and again.  POUND.  POUND.  POUND.  Then it was like she leaped over the line of sanity, dove off the boat of rational thinking.  Her voice went deep and her speech slowed to a crawl as she placed my witch hat on the kitchen floor and looked straight into my eyes and moved close into my face.  I was face to face with a real live witch.  Things that go from mere fantasy to reality are never as glamorous in real life as they are played out in your mind.
In a slow gutterly moan, she croaked “Yooooou’ll… Neeeeever… Geeeeet… anooooother… fuuuuuc-King… Witchhh… Hat… againnnnn… Not… as… looonG… as… I… live… Do you hear me, Lonnie? NEEEV-EEER!”

Then she stood up erect like a dragon breathing in all the surrounding air to burst flames onto a village of surfs.  She lifted up her gigantic leg and stomped her foot down on my hat over and over, rattling the entire house, crushing the tip down flat.  There was calm afterwards, the house stood perfectly still.  I was the only noise that could be heard.  She picked the hat off the floor with her anger trembling hands as if nothing happened and tossed it into the garbage.  It was as if she just walked into the kitchen and noticed a wadded bundle of black painted newspaper on the floor alongside a historical and traumatized child looking down at its demise.  And as if nothing happened, saying, “Oh what’s this doing here?  Do I need to do everything in this house? Fine, I guess I’ll throw it away.”   That hat sat there stuffed into the garbage, defeated.  It ironically looked like the wicked witch from Wizard of Oz had melted.

She stuck to her word, she never made me another hat.  If she did, I sure in hell would not have wanted it to be paper.  I never liked Wizard of Oz much after that day.  I never wanted to play witch again either.  But in the end, looking back, it was not a sad day.  It was a hard core lesson in the reality of life.  What lessons, you ask, could have possibly been learned by an angry destructive mother out for revenge by killing a paper hat?  What lessons do I speak of?  There were many and I will tell you them all.

One, you cannot ride a big wheel barefoot when trying to get away from a very determined mother who does triathlons in her spare time.  Also, that heater repairman probably never allowed children into his workspace again.  It may even have been the tipping point for him to find that career he had always dreamed of.  Boys cannot be witches and for that reason, I’m thankful she destroyed my girlish dream.  Most importantly it was a small morsel of time I can still appreciate looking back on because, to this day, I realize how much humor is packed into strife.

How many children do you know whose moms love them enough to build them their very own paper witch hat just to destroy it with such malice right before their innocent little eyes?  My mom stands alone.  You can say what you want, but although my mom destroyed a small dream that fine afternoon in 1976, she didn’t drown her child in her bathtub.  Crushing my hat was no act of cruelty, it was a sacrifice.  And if you can’t see the humor in that, then God help your children.

LB

Details as followed:

Advance ticket price $10 and $12 at the door.
(All proceeds help towards our son’s medical bills)
Tickets go on sale November 1^st and may be purchased online through Ticketwest or through Dante’s box office.
Line-up will include comedians Jessa Reed, Don Frost, Joe Fonetenot, Kristine Levine and myself  Following the comedy we will play out the night with music by Rustmine

A lot of people have been asking me when I would have updated info on the benefit for my son Braedon. I do apologies for not getting you all new information sooner. I had a few projects that needed my attention and I also was making sure everything was in place before announcing anything new.  I can say that all the info has been confirmed with everyone participating on the bill and with Frank, the owner of Dante’s. As always things can change at the last minute but if anything changes you will be the first to know.

I’d like to update you on Braedon’s health. Also I’d like to give thanks to some people that have gone out of their way to help me and my family. I am a very lucky man to have the kind of friends to step up in this moment. I am also lucky to have a following that blur the lines between friendship and fans.

I’d like to thank Sarah, a long time fan that became a close friend along the way. She has a friend who is diabetic and  no longer uses syringes and so he donated 500 of them and she drove the box up from Salam to get them to me. At $30 a box that was a huge help. Thank you Sarah. I have to tell you, it’s an awkward exchange to grab 500 syringes from a beautiful woman in a Volkswagen bug covered in thousands of bumper stickers outside a bar in the middle of the afternoon.

Brad and Larry who own Boss Hawgs; I book comedians there every month. This last month, they held a raffle and give-away. All the proceeds were donated to me to help out in our cause. It came out a little more than $150. I can’t begin to tell you what that meant to me. I’d like to thank Peter Nuncio and Diego Images for donating his time to have a photo session with my son and me. Also his work on the poster design for the show.  My son had a lot of fun that day and it made him happy, it was a great day for the two of us. I’d like to thank Frank, the owner of Dante’s for donating a Friday night in his room, without that it may not have even happened the way I imagined it. Lastly, I’d like to thank Jessa Reed, Don Frost, Joe Fontenot, Kristine Levine and the band Rustmine. These are some of my closest friends and most talented comedians and musicians here in Portland. They are people I love and respect dearly.  They have donated their time to make you laugh, to make me laugh, to make Crista laugh and she needs it the most. I can’t begin to tell you all how much I have appreciated the support and love from all of you in the last few months. Your calls and comments were great. It’s funny; I take on the darker sides of life in my comedy and on my stage. Off stage, however, the reality as of late has been anything but.

Well I can say that my boy is doing great! His numbers have been stabilizing with each passing day. He has seven meals a day and four insulin shots twice a day. It doesn’t bother him at all though; he has been really strong through this process and has gotten back to being a kid again. Take it from someone who has grown up with many challenges in life. This makes me so proud of him. There is no time for pity in this world, we have to just move forward and laugh it off.

That is why this benefit will be like no other benefit you may have ever gone too. We are doing it to find the humor in this. Think of it as a roast for my son’s diabetes and if you think you might be offended well then I ask you to buy a ticket for someone who will get the jokes. That way you are still helping but your narrow minded sore cunt can stay home and watch dancing with the stars.

The show will be on Friday November 27^th. Yes it is the day after thanksgiving but the good news is we all have the weekend off and by then you will be sick of your relatives, tired of shopping and in much need of a drink Plus you will be doing me and my family a great service for coming down.  If you like your relatives bring them along, the more the merrier.

Tickets will go sale November 1^st and you can purchase them online at Ticketwest or from the Dante’s box office. Tickets will be $10 in advance and $12 at the door. Plus, within the next few days I’ll have some sort of online donation set up for those that can’t make the show.

When there is more news I’ll be sure you will get it, and I look forward to seeing you at the event.

LB

Eighteen years of shows, eighteen years of some of the greatest memories in my life, eighteen years of smiling faces. How can I ever thank you for that kind of gift.

I’ve entertained a lot of people in my life and sat with many after my shows or hung with them at an open mic and I’ve had a lot of nice compliments but the one that confuses me the most is, “Lonnie, you have a gift.” I don’t know what it is that I do, I can’t even pretend to have an answer for such a statement. Here’s the reason I’m lost on it, you are all the ones that give me something.

So why I am being so serious? Well I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am in life lately, my challenges, my successes and as brutally sincere as I am on stage, I’ve never stopped to give you a piece of my life that didn’t have a funny twist attached. So today I’ve decided to tell you what’s on my mind.

Like you, I have my own pile of shit to wade through. However, when I’m on stage making you all laugh though, I forget about it all. It really is a remarkable moment in time because it is my job to take your mind off your daily grind, an in that same moment you take my mind off mine. I don’t think about my walking, my fear of falling, my son and his diabetes, my trust issues, or my struggling finances. The only thing that is there with me on stage is our connection, our happiness and the twisted adventures I’ve been on.

So let me tell you all how much I appreciate that which you give me.

So what is in the future for me and my career? Every comedian wants to be at the top of there game, everyone wants fame and fortune. I’m no different. I have my aspirations, but I have them for different reasons. Sure I would like to make great money at this, but I want the fame because I absolutely love what I do and what happens between us when I am onstage. I want that relationship and connection with as many people as I can. I’d like that because truthfully I have a difficult time doing it one on one anyway. Ask any woman I’ve ever loved.

It’s frustrating though because in this business, you don’t get ahead because of how funny you are, you get it because of the TV credits you have and the people you know. I really am the black sheep of comedy too. The scene wants nothing to do with me. I’m not jaded. I understand. I just gave up trying to get anywhere through those means. I’ve decided that the only people I need to know in this industry are yourselves and the other thousands of great undiscovered talented comedians. More on this subject later. Until that blog, if you enjoy me and my style, well then tell as many people as you know and let’s do this. There is more than one way to walk this road to success.

Some day I’m going to look back at this very moment, smile and write another one of these serious blog entries and thank you for getting my message out. Until then I’ll see you from my stage.

Sincerely, thank you for the last eighteen years of laughter. The magic never happens in an empty room.

LB

Where have I been lately? This is about my most recent events.

If there is one thing I am known for on the stage is ability to give you every piece of who I am. I don’t hold back any secrets, my stories are true and my life is yours to laugh at. I have even shared the darkest weaknesses of my disability from the falls to the wandering eye, my rubber chicken hand, and the seizures. They have all played out their rolls to make you laugh. Why, because what is this shit hole if we don’t find a reason to laugh at it. If you think God is cruel you are wrong, he’s the first and only comedian and his designs are our punch lines.

I don’t discuss too much about my family. If you didn’t know, I have two great sons; Braedon who is 9 and my youngest son Charlie who just turned 6. These two boys are my life outside of the life I share with you. I can’t seem to find a woman to love, respect or commit to and in reality I disconnect from most of my closest in life from time to time. My son’s however have been the exception.

I don’t discuss them not because I keep them safe from the butt of my jokes but only that I have not found funny in our stories yet. Well I have, but nothing I think you’d die over, maybe I’m wrong though.

Well I do have some sad news that I wish I didn’t have to tell you all. Some news just isn’t worth sharing, but because it has to deal with my son, it is important you do know and it also why I am telling you personal issues within my family.

My oldest son Breadon was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes about three weeks ago and was placed in the hospital for a week during his time of diagnoses. The truth is, he was close to death and we almost lost him. Since then he has bounced back strong and living a normal life again with the added responsibilities of a strict lifestyle change and a regiment of insulin shots. He is insulin depended and will be for life. Many live with this so after the initial shock we moved on.

That’s the worst of the news. Here is the good news.

What I do on stage has always helped me just as much as my jokes have helped you and on Friday November 27th this will be no different.

I am throwing a huge benefit show for Braedon and his mom to help raise money for a fucking outrageous hospital bill while he stayed at hotel Doernbecher. This will be no normal benefit. It will be as usual, a no holds bar show, and we will find humor in this, even in the darkest place. That much will not change.

It will be held at Dante’s with some of my closest comedian friends and my second family, you. 100% of the proceeds we make at the door will be put into a fund for his future needs. All my DVD sales will also be added to our loot.

The bill is going to be big! I will be joined by Jessa Reed, Don Frost; Joe Fontenot will work with me again for the first time in two years and one of my dearest friends, Kristine Levine. I will close out the comedy portion of the show. Then following comedy my close friend from 4th grade, his band Rustmine will play out the remainder of the evening while we get drunk and entertain ourselves.

This will be the most meaningful and important show I will have done. With all sincerity, I hope all of you can help support this cause by joining me and my friends for this show. Please put it in your calendar. More info will be posted when it is available.

Please do me a favor and resend this bulletin to everyone you know and ask them to send it to everyone they know and I hope all of you can make it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I personally give a huge thanks to Frank from Dante’s for helping me put this show together in his room.

Where: Dante’s in downtown Portland

When: Friday November 27th

Lineup: Jessa Reed, Don Frost, Joe Fontenot, Kristine Levine, and music by Rustmine!

More info to follow, check back soon.

LB

Anyway I have two videos below that I think are really fucking cool. The first is the sound of Jupiter and it is really creepy.  Since space is a vacuum there is no sound but planets all have a vibration. This is sound was the vibrations of Jupiter and was recoded by NASA-Voyager as it passed by the planet.

Use a headset if you can.

The second is the History Channels documentary on the Mayan calendar and it’s relation to 2012. This is the first video of three. I’m obsessed with this shit in the way Joe Rogan is obsessed with aliens.