Different Day, Same Old Sh*t

10 most annoying alarm clocks

Ektz — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 20:26:44 +0000

#10 – Climbing clock .
It hangs above your head and
starts climbing while it rings.
Don’t wake up fast enough, and you won’t be able to
shut it up without a ladder.

# 9 Wake Up Puzzle.
You have to build the puzzle
to make it stop

# 8 Wake or Curse .
You can ask it what the time is and it will answer.
But if you don’t wake up quickly enough it will curse you.

# 7 High Tech ..
This one has a vibrator, 95 db alarm and
Police style rotating light that you cannot ignore.

# 6 Find The Pin -
You need find the right pin to stop it’s ringing.
Not going to stay sleepy after this mission.

# 5 Chicken and Egg Problem -
The egg laying alarm clock.
It will only quiet down after you put all the eggs back.

# 4 GI Joe .
You will wake to the sound of your commander’s
wake up call. Don’t mess with it.

# 3 Floating Around -
Will float around the room until you’ll catch it.

# 2 Kaboom -
This acoustic grenade will wake the neighborhood
with it’s ultra loud sound level.

# 1 Hide and Seek
- The winner is the hide and seek alarm clock.
Once it begins to ring it falls down to the floor
and finds a random place to hide.
Chase it down or else you’re doomed.

Autralian Court Decision

Ektz — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:19:06 +0000

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 —

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
‘Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’
… I just lost it.’

‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

11 Architechtural Disasters photographs

Ektz — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:47:40 +0000

Here is the list of architectural disaster building’s photographs

13 Celebrity lookalike – Hollywood v/s bollywood.

Ektz — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 09:27:04 +0000

Misunderstandings can be fatal!

Ektz — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:59:46 +0000

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs.. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment? ”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand, very long.”
Mrs. Smith fainted!!

Women who know their place..

Ektz — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:53:57 +0000

With apologies to our sisters in Afghanistan!

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan
several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their
husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women
now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, ‘Land Mines.’

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
Behind every Man is a Smart Woman!

Chinese caller v/s chinese operator

Ektz — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:19:37 +0000

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree….

Chinese Wedding Night

Ektz — Mon, 18 May 2009 19:21:02 +0000

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. “My darring,”he whispers, “I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting – juss anyting you wan. You juss ass me. Whatchu wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I wan twy sumting I have hear about from udda girls… Numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…

“You wan……..Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?”

5 minute Management Lessons

Ektz — Sun, 17 May 2009 19:28:31 +0000

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor…

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel, ”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

*********

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

*********

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Puff! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.

*********

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure , why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

*********

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey,”but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

*********

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy…

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Story of the Day

Ektz — Sun, 10 May 2009 19:28:06 +0000

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you…”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!