Lance Briggs be gettin’ hit up for more child support money. Sound familiar to all you Titan or Bronco fans? (An aside: are there any Bronco fans left???). At any rate, one of Lance Briggs’ three baby momma’s is hittin’ number fifty-five up for more cash, according to the Chicago Sun Times. In addition to this one child he has, he also has two other children with two other women. I’m all for sowin’ the seed, but Lance, three kids in 14 months????? That’s some Travis Henry stuff right there.

Lance, you just got a new contract last year. Let’s not go broke like TH and rawdog every jersey chaser that comes your way. Let us at Blog Down give you a tip: don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. Write that down.

Why They Suck: Ummm (/looks at picture) how many other franchises have their backup QB deepthroating a champagne bottle with his bros? Not enough you say? Well, not counting this past season, dating back to 1947 this franchise has one playoff win. How did this team have ANYONE rooting for them this year?!?!?!

The Cardinals are like a mix of baseball’s Anaheim Angels (I don’t care what the HELL they are called now) and the NBA’s Sacramento Kings, no one wants them or knows what to call them. They’ve relocated twice (Chicago to St. Louis to Phoenix) and they’ve done that insufferable ‘name’ change that the Angels did. They are no longer the Phoenix Cardinals, but now the Arizona Cardinals and in two years they’ll be the Cardinals of the Greater Southwestern United States. ENOUGH

Great Moments In History… Of Sucking: How about 60 years of total football ineptitude?? These guys were the doormat for the entire NFL for the better part of an entire century. Until 2008 this is where NFL players went to die. Emmitt Smith anyone????? (Now look what he’s doing to the English Language). There was also the EPIC meltdown of 2006 against our own Monsters of the Midway. Oh and Matt Leinart.

More Reasons They Suck: They play in Glendale Phoenix, Arizona. Quite possibly the most apathetic fanbase outside of Miami. Also the Cardinals sport, far and away the most geriatric fanbase in the NFL with most of their ‘fans’ over the age of 70. And, the mascot is a christing CARDINAL.

Why They Suck: With the “Greatest Show on Turf” long dead–all key contributors gone; Warner, Bruce, Faulk, Holt, Martz, and now Pace–the Rams are in the midst of trying to find their identity. One place they should start looking: the basement of the NFC West.

Los Angeles’ St. Louis’ version of a pro football team hasn’t put together a winning season since 2003, but one football outsider has them pegged at “almost even odds of becoming this year’s ‘miracle’ team.” Now, I realize, in terms of jinxes, that this isn’t in the same league as appearing on the cover of Madden or Sports Illustrated, but you can’t help but get the feeling that Steven Jackson’s breaking his femur around Week 3.

Great Moments In History… Of Sucking Being Pretty Awesome: In 1994, former Rams quarterback Jim Everett, then a member of the New Orleans Saints, went on ESPN’s Talk2 with Jim Rome to do whatever it was athletes did on Talk2. After Rome called Jim “Chris” for the umpteenth time–a slight to lacking mental toughness in his years with St. Louis–Chris Jim proceeded to move effortlessly through the pesky set equipment and quickly make work of Rome’s trembling skeleton.

More Reasons They Suck: I don’t care if she has long hair now, or had cancer then?, the in-the-stands frolicking of Brenda Warner during the late ’90’s glory days was enough to make me and my balls cringe.

During an ESPN Sports Nation chat session on Thursday, ESPN Insider, a.k.a. “The Football Scientist”, KC Joyner, told an unsuspecting Alex from Chicago:

“Cutler will make Bears fans remember Rex Grossman. He’ll make just as many crazy passes but won’t suffer the Grossman fate because Chicago’s fan base is so in love with him that they will forgive the nutty throws he makes in ways that they never forgave Grossman.”

Of course, the comments garnered a bunch of attention and even nifty retort like this from the Sun Times’ Brad Biggs.

Say even if Cutler does make as many I-want-to-rip-my-face-off game-changing flubs as Grossman did, he’s proven himself enough–conversely, on teams with horrible defenses–for us fans to trust he will rebound.

The problem with Rex was that he never maintained any level of play long enough for us to ever know what the fuck was coming next. Part of our contempt for his performance was actually masked frustration, anger, and depression; frustration that the glimpses of greatness were too short and far in between, anger that the glimpses of greatness were too short and far in between, and depression that he wasn’t the second coming-of-Christ we expected him to be.

But, the truth is, none of this matters. It’s all speculatory. Wait until we see what Cutler does through five, six games before a) reserving those Super Bowl tickets, b) jumping off the ledge of your apartment building, or c) –let the Sam Bradford talk begin. Too soon?

Wouldn’t it be better to have Hester teaching Chicago youth about how to break the collective ankles of an NFL special teams unit and then pick up all 11 of their jockstraps on their walk to the bench??? No? Well, how about teaching kids to draw PI penalties every time you run a ‘Go’ route. It’s gotta be more than putting on your PF Flyers ’cause my six-year old cousin is STILL catching me.

As soon as news broke that the Bears had traded for Jay Cutler, the first reaction–besides ohmyGod! we’ve got a quarterback–was okay, don’t sleep on the Bears now. And now that it’s sunk in that Cutler is the quarterback, fantasy football geeks want to tell you to not sleep on Devin Hester.

Have a great weekend, homers. Send tips to blogdownchicagobears@gmail.com.

Why They Suck: In 1979, NFL Films Vice President and Editor-in-Chief, Bob Ryan, thought he was crafting a cleverly thought out title for a 1978 Cowboys highlight film. In reality, Ryan was laying the groundwork for every future non-Cowboys fan’s repulsory opinion of “America’s Team.”

The Cowboys are the NFL’s version of the New York Yankees; Jerry Jones the owner-equivalent to George/Hank Steinbrenner. In the process of building a morally indifferent franchise where the modus operandi is championships forgive sin, the Cowboys have tolerated their fair share of shifty individuals at Valley Ranch.

Great Moments In History… Of Sucking: On January 31, 1993, Leon Lett acted a fool when he prematurely extended his arm out in celebration at the tail end of a rumbling, stumbling fumble return during Super Bowl XXVII. Buffalo’s Don Bebe came out of nowhere–with plenty of time to do so–stripped the ball from Lett at the goal line and forever made it impossible for Lett to attend comedy clubs.

Oh, and the encore was much more fucking stupid.

More Reasons They Suck: The increasingly annoying Emmitt Smith is quite possibly more responsible for reconstruction of the American lexicon than good ‘ol Dubya Bush. I sincerely hope you’ll enjoy “carousing” the proof.

In other words, the Bears are stacked at linebacker, and Brooks would have to compete/share time with Pisa Tinoisamoa, Hunter Hillenmeyer, Nick Roach and Jamar Williams–all worthy candidates. Still, Gary Shelton of the St. Petersburg Times thinks Brooks’ agent should call the Bears first.