I can’t believe that this blog has been with me for a long time. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted to just write about my journey through motherhood. The ups and downs as a new mother and just connect with other people. I’m very thankful that I did. I got a glimpse of other people and what they were doing at the same stage in life as me. This experience I would always be thankful for.

Time had gone on, and my oldest is getting older and I now have four children. I’m no longer a beginner in this parenting gig, and I’m pretty confident with what I am doing. Years ago, I started homeschooling, and I’m still in it. I admit there are days where I want to quit, but I remember that this path is not going to be easy. I am a housewife, and although I thought about everything else I could be, I wouldn’t change what I have done with my life thus far.

I’ve gone though moves, losses, medical scares (both mine and a loved one), and finally I stand where I am today. I can honestly say what I like, and don’t. I’m not afraid to walk on a path alone, and honestly, on so many levels, I prefer it. Years have passed, and finally I’m able to tend to the things that I need to. Problems and adversities shape and grow us, and I again, I’m thankful for what I’ve gone through.

I’ve gone through the social media phase, where I was all over the net trying to gather followers–because that’s what you did. Eventually I had to grasp with the idea of why. If one person reads my thoughts, I’m okay, if not one reads my thoughts, then I’m still okay. I’ve learned that I just like to blog and share my thoughts with people who may or may not have deep thoughts too. I like to think that there are days where deep thoughts have no where to go but out.

So, now I’m in my 40’s, and no longer in my 20s. I’m no longer unsure of what I am, and who I am. Honestly, getting to this point is so freeing. I would like to focus on my current journey. Patience is what I asked for in the past, and now I’m fully in love with the process and not just the outcome. I’m no longer concerned about the hustle and bustle of a busy life, I like it slow, neutral in color and full of laughs.

I won’t promise consistency when blogging, because honestly, I’m really not tethered to it. I enjoy it, because its a hobby–ultimately, its a running dialogue for my kids to hopefully see in the future. What does this mean for this blog in the future? It means just what it does, I’m writing because I want to, not because I’m expecting anything else out of it.

If you chose to follow me, then welcome on this journey in my 40s. If you want to get off this train, then I wish you a good life and a safe trip. Either way, I have thoughts I want to share, and I’m going to share them.

Until next time.

Welcome back my readers, if many of you are still here. If not, that’s okay, I’ll still write down my thoughts on this page. Many things has changed since my adventure of blogging in 2010. The internet kicked off in a big way, and there are so many micro blogs, and social media posts out there, it’s enough to keep your head swimming! I’m thankful for it though. I feel there is a space for everyone, and even if my blog doesn’t get seen enough, its really seen by important people like you.

Over the years, I’ve struggled with silence. Not so much of me speaking too much, but really the call for me to be silent. I couldn’t write, think, or take care of anything online. Once I tried, I would again feel like I needed to stay silent. So, as a result, instead of fighting what I was fighting, I decided to follow that advice and just wait until I am able to speak again.

Thinking back, it wasn’t any pressing issue that kept me silent, or not willing to say anything, but I don’t think I was in a good place to share my thoughts online. I think it could be too much noise and distractions. Places that I usually haunted to read started going offline blogging, and entered the social media space.

That is okay–we all need that moment to sit back and and collect our thoughts, and heal–even if it’s off line. I can’t say that things are better, but I can say that many things calmed down enough for me to start writing again.

In the meantime, I started a knitting blog that I’ve talked about here and there, but honestly, that’s just for me to geek out on my knitting projects, and I don’t think you’re interested in hear that. However, if you are, you can head over there. This space is still going to be my personal space where I share my thoughts about things that are happening and insight to life and things I question.

What finally brought be back to write online is my desire to write. I’m not a video blogging kind of person—honestly, I feel I do better with my words. Second, I desired the good ol’ days of sitting down and just reading something without disruptions. I also missed long form content. Sitting with a moment reading my favorite persons words-taking a break with a friend.

Yes, I still think about God, always, but you know that. What I like about this space is the moment to just slowly settle down and read something. I know there are so many social media sites to consume ideas so quickly, but how much time do we have to let it sink in. I read a lot, news, blogs, books, and sometimes, we just need to flesh out our thoughts.

I hope you don’t mind joining me again on this journey to deep dive into thought, feelings, and just current events of what’s going on in my head. While I love many social media sites, I find that it’s too fast for me, and I truly miss something slow. Maybe, oneday, I’ll start a pod cast so you can hear my random thoughts and how I speak.

Until the next post.

First of all, I know. I was gone for mostly a year without a word or a peep. I should have said something, written, communicated—but I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to open my blog in all this time. Don’t know what it was, but I was full of all sort of emotions that eventually I turned inward. Not a great place to be—in your head all the time.

I’ve been writing since 2011. I had this blog for at least a decade. It’s been a long time. What I have noticed is that this blog has gone though some major changes with me as I entered different seasons in my life. It’s like a time capsule of some sort. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I will continue to enjoy it.

Of all the changes that I’ve experienced over time, there are two things that still remain front and center to me. I love to dive deep into my faith. I love my faith history and learning about Bible history. The second is that I’m always about improving myself.

Over this time, I’ve noticed that I wondered away from that. I may have alienated some readers, or maybe I haven’t been sincere in my writing. Writing in a sense of what I think you want to hear, instead of writing what’s in my heart. I wrote for a version of “you” that didn’t exist, so instead, moving forward I’ll be writing my heart.

I look back at the books that I’ve read over time, and what captured my interest—and it was always the ability to build on my knowledge. I’ve strayed away from that. It’s funny to me since I saw what captured my interest and what I was writing, was divorced from each other. Recognizing that, I want to marry the two ideas back since it brought me and those around me, the most joy.

As I get older, I noticed that some things that was important to me are no longer. For example, music doesn’t sound the same—I’ve always been interested in the classics. I really don’t enjoy watching tv and I really don’t care about what the celebrities are doing.

I’m content where I am in life but I will always strive to improve myself. I won’t do this to compare myself with other people but because I’m interested in my own growth. I’m thankful where I’m at and wherever I’ll be I’ll be thankful for as well.

Raising a family and navigating the current times is hard enough. I’ve used my time to center myself and ground myself and I hope that through this new season, I can offer you calm, clarity, and help you focus on p what truly matters to you. This blog and writing will be my personal break away from the storm clouds and I hope you’ll join me for a bit and step out of the rain every now and then.

Have you ever read something and immediately thought, “Wow! I needed that today?” Yeah, I did too. This topic intrigued me in the past and still does to this day.

From my previous conversations we know that anger is a capital sin. It’s one of those emotions that’s not sinful in itself—but becomes sinful because what we do with it.

I love the parable Jesus told in the gospel about the unforgiving servant. I think at times we all found ourselves in this boat before. We have an argument with someone and it hasn’t been resolved yet. Then we begin to say our prayers—particularly the “Our Father,” and we come across that line that is conditional.

“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” How many of us recognize that it is conditional? I mean yeah, when we think about it outside of our anger we know it, but we never really think about it. The gospel today reminds us of this, and I don’t know about you but I really need the reminder.

Anger doesn’t just mean you have to be at that point of screaming at someone, anger has so many levels. Did you know that resentment is a form of anger? Holding a grudge is also a form of anger too. Anger, although it’s a simple emotion to feel, it’s pretty complex when you think of all the forms of it.

There is a great book that I read often, and it’s called over coming sinful full anger. It’s a great book, and a short read, but full of so much information.

Ultimately, the best thing for us and our souls is to forgive others. When we were younger we were told to apologize for any offense we caused others. The person who was offended the. Would say, “I forgive you.” Those words, however, are more for the offended person.

You see, if we don’t forgive, it will eat at us. Have ever been around an older person who was just bitter? Well yeah, that bitterness is a form of anger as well.

I’ve been around individuals who are just so negative. They could put a damper on any positive mood. The complaints and bitbacking is unbelievable. Yet, the trend that I’ve noticed is that, they are just not happy. In their hearts, they are still holding on to some hurt—some injustice that was done to them previously, and over the years, they were just gnawing on it.

My friends in Christ, I don’t want that fate for you. No one wants to be around anyone that’s seething in a low boil anger all the time. To forgive one another not only helps them, but it’s good for our souls.

Let us forgive one another, as we would want God to forgive us.

I was watching two segments of the news the other day. What I watched was a raw human emotion—grief. 

The first was a father who lost his son in Seattle and how no one talked to him about it. The second was an 8-year-old girl who lost her life in Atlanta. Both were children. Both were someone’s child. Both sets of parents felt as if no one cared. But you couldn’t watch them and no feel their pain. 

The Office Reading we read was about Absalom—David’s son who turned against his father. People who took an oath to protect his son were the same people who ended killing him. 

Again and again, David made inquiries about the fate of his son. When he is finally told—in a kingdom that perceived Absalom death as a victory; to David, his son’s death crushed him, even to the point of saying that he wished her would have died instead. He wept because Absalom was his son. That was the same boy David played with when Absalom was little. He consoled his son with a skinned knee, taught him how to fight. That was his flesh and blood. 

People are tired and annoyed. What’s going on today is a reminder that these are kids. Adult bodies—yes, but the mind of kids. It’s sad because no matter whIch was you slice it, they are lost. And yet—they are someone’s child. On both sides that are doing harm—it’s being done to someone’s child. At some point, at the beginning of their lives they were held by someone who loved them. 

Which now brings me to Saint Augustine…

”My friends, we must grieve over these as over our brothers….”

“And so, dear brothers, we entreat you on their behalf, in the name of the very source of our love, by whose milk we are nourished, and whose bread is our strength, in the name of Christ our Lord and his gentle love. For it is time now for us to show them great love and abundant compassion by praying to God for them.”

Let your prayers and sacrifices today be offered for their souls—the departed who was caught up in all of this mess, and those living who are doing this.

Pray to convert them to Christ. 

I was pouring over the news in the morning, and read that a cancer patient in NYC took his own life, after finding out he was infected with the Corona Virus. The nurses found him and tried to revive him but it was too late for him.

This is how I started my reflection on what I have been doing during this pandemic. Since I was following it back in January, I have been watching and waiting for it to resolve itself. Slowly, I saw it move to other countries and knew it was a matter of time before it was on our shores.

Fast forward, and here it is. My family is safe in our apartment, and while we have food, love, shelter, I still wish I could do more to help my family out. However, the more I attempt to do something, the more I find myself pulling away from them. I’m checking the news, contacting loved ones, and they are contacting me (about the news), everything is about the pandemic.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s important current events, we are living through history, but, it’s not the only history that’s going on right now. All around us, amazing things are happening, people are still getting married, children are still being born (they come when it’s their time), and sadly, those will pass from other causes.

The Virus has many of us running around looking for some sort of solace. We are looking for that peace of mind, that reassurance that everything is going to be okay. So we watch the news, listen to the President, Governors, and Mayors. They all have something important to say about this virus. I’ve heard from everyone who is anyone to tell me about what this virus has the potential to do with my body—my lungs. I haven’t heard from those who I needed to hear from the most.

The startling silence that many of us hear (or don’t hear) is from our Bishops. We are not hearing much from many of them to help our souls. To assure the people that God has not left us. Many of us know that God is always with us, but many of us need to hear that—like our spouse needs to hear “I love you.” Instead, many of us is walking through a spiritual desert. The Churches shut, Adoration closed, confessions forbidden (in some areas), and sadly—the dying cannot even receive their last rights.

Yes, we have many leaders tho guide our world. We may like them or not. But who is helping the souls most in need? Those who are afraid of death, and yet going through it? Who is helping those souls who dive themselves to despair, thinking God doesn’t love them? They are a alone. This shouldn’t be. This is not how the body of Christ works. We have to help each other.

There are many people who will die for many reasons—but they will be alone. We cannot be with them due to our restrictions physically but that does not render us helpless and useless. As a Christian body, let us raise up our voices and pray for the souls in the hospital, sick, cancer, those who are alone to night in their rooms and in their own homes. They are not a lone. Just as the Mass unites us, let our prayers reach out to the darkest corners and touch the hearts of those who are suffering.

If we can help it, let’s try to prevent what happened to the cancer patient who took his own life. I don’t know much about him other than that, but he—among others—is who I mourn for today. It’s for his soul I cry. God has made him beautiful regardless of his illness, and he was loved.

It is the 5th week of Lent. It’s been two weeks since my parish offered public Mass. It’s been three weeks since I’ve sat in the pews. This season of Lent has been completely different for me and my family–as I can imagine it has been for every family. This week has hit me especially hard.

The beginning of the 5th week of Lent, we know that the statues and crosses are covered with cloth. It has seemed like God has removed Himself (Blessed Sacrament & the Mass) from our presence. Next, the physical reminders of the statues and crosses being covered brings everything home. It’s one thing not being able to go to Mass due to illness or having a baby. It’s another thing of not being allowed to go.

I’m in NYC, and as I am writing this, its really the hot spot of the COVID-19 (Caronavius) pandemic that is hitting our country. We don’t know where the end in sight is, or when things are going to slow down were I live. All I know right now is that we are in it, and I don’t know for how long until it hits other areas (hopefully not as hard).

Schools, have been shut and students sent home to do their work. This part doesn’t affect me as much, because we homeschool here, but I can just imagine how this virus upset so many people’s schedules and way of lives. Some teachers I know have to teach remotely, while trying to keep track of their colleagues–who are sick with the virus.

Jobs, when possible, has their employees work from home. I’m thankful that my husband’s job allows him to work from home. I don’t treat it as if he’s home, but knowing that he’s in these walls and not traveling is a huge stress reliever. One of my sons has asthma, so this virus does cause major concern for me. Even though my husband is working from home–he’s not “home.” I work with the kids (like usual) and he’s off in another room programing away.

Finally, the Churches and places of worship has their doors closed until further noticed. This is the part that hurts the most. Many of us ground ourselves on the Mass, or the Liturgical year. But this year, it feels as if the Church year is going, and we are left watching. This week is the last week before we enter into the Holy Week–Palm Sunday to Good Friday, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to participate.

I try to think about how the early Christians were when they were unable to attend Mass. How did they do it and it was beautiful how rich and true their faith was. In my life, the lack of access has only me desire it more. This season of Lent had been a very Lently, but it’s the way I feel. We have been called to give up far more than we wanted, but we must due what the Father wants. In the meantime, it reminds me of my favorite psalm:

‘O God, you are my God— it is you I seek! For you my body yearns; for you my soul thirsts, In a land parched, lifeless, and without water.’ Psalms 63:2

Missing Mass has created a hunger in me that I have never felt before. I’ve had to take an absence from Mass with the birth of my children, but this time it’s different. I knew when I was going to go back. This time, I worry about when we can receive again, meanwhile worrying about this bug is enough to make a person go crazy. I won’t sit here and tell you not to take it seriously, or not to worry. That would be folly.

At the end of the day, I know it’s the fear of suffering verses actual suffering. I know that we want to do anything in our power not to suffer. No one wants to get sick, and we don’t our family to be in that small percentage that requires ventilation for breathing. All we do know is that we can try our best to curtail the virus. Prevent (as much as humanly possible) from bringing it into our homes.

If any of us do end up getting the virus (even a very mild form of it), let us pray for each other for protection and for improved health. In the meantime, boost your immune system and stay on your knees.

November 2nd was All Souls Day, and it was the first time my parish celebrated our Lady of Purgatory. I woke up in the morning excited to join our parish in our All Souls’ Day event. My kids were excited, and we were ready.

Then Z2 woke up with a fever and all the plans were squashed. Instead of feeling disappointed, or annoyed, I was feeling full of love. My son needed me and I was there to help him. Yes, I know this was the first time for the celebration and remembrance of our loved one, but God willing there will be another one next year.

Instead, I spent my Saturday with my family and thinking about my loved ones. All those who were laid to rest before me like my father, friends, and acquaintances. I thought how not much separated me from them—only a few feet a dirt.

I seriously thought about all the plans they had for tomorrow. What they will do when they will retire or when they get that day off. They never thought that the day they died would be their last day. That they—like everyone would have to make an account of their actions.

It’s terrifying when you think about life and death that way. While praying my Liturgy of the Hours this came up:

Now that is terrifying! Our Lord is so good and so merciful, that he waits for us in Confession. He forgives us our sins, and do not hold them against us.

When we are forgiven for our sins, we have a chance of heaven again. We will have grace restored back to our souls, we can once again choose Him.

If those who passed away before me are like me, then past sins comes to mind again. The shame, embarrassment, and sadness that those sins can surface can be depressing. But—and this is a huge but—if we fully dive into God’s mercy, we won’t loose nights wishing we made a better choice. We will forgive ourselves they way we are forgiven.

I am thankful that everyday, we can wake up and start fresh. God gives us so many opportunities to choose Him and put our past behind us.

Thinking about the lives of those who died before me, helps me keep my life in perspective. Today was yesterday’s tomorrow. Today I can do something for my neighbor. Today I can love God the way he loves me. And God willing—I can do more tomorrow.

Here are just some insights that I’ve realized that helped me put my worrying into perspective.

I wanted absolutes 

One of the things I struggled with was not knowing.  I wanted to know every detail of the procedure.  Every bit of knowledge of anything that was bothering me until I’ve exhausted all materials I could find.  The problem was, I was looking for absolutes in a world that is not certain.

No one can promise today, or tomorrow.  I worried about preventing things.  From helping my family out, to making sure that I’m doing everything I can health wise for them.  Honestly, I can just do the best that I can.  I do what I can (and afford) for my family, and then leave the rest up to God.  

I can’t say that I stop researching information–I think that’s just hardwired in me to do now.  However, I’m not obsessed about it.  When I feel like I have received the answers that I was looking for, then I start applying what I have learned.

Separate what I can do from what I can’t

A lot of my worry was about situations that I could not control.  I can’t control how other people are going to behave and what they are going to say.  I can’t even control my own children’s behavior.  Actually, I’m very thankful for that!  This has caused me to look at each situation for what it was.  

There are things that are in my control–like how we plan to spend the afternoon.  However, there are things that are not in my control–if we actually get to follow through with all the plans.  I learned to stop worrying about the events that I cannot control, and just deal with  them as they are.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it–many times I don’t.  However, I just have to deal with since that’s the issue that we’re facing.

Letting Go of Control

I don’t know if it is my personality, or just the way that I’m hardwired, but I can sense there is a control streak in me.  I want things done the way I like all the time.  This is even annoying to me!  Why do I waste so much energy trying to control things–things that I’m not even responsible for, all the time.

One thing that I’m eternally grateful for is having children.  Quickly, they pull you out of your comfort zone, and remind you that you don’t have control of anything.  I used to stress myself about the slightest things, and that honestly didn’t make a good Mama to be around.  I wanted things to be perfect-but I didn’t have a standard of what perfect was.  

This lesson is what I’m still going through (painful as it is), but I know that it will bear fruit in the future.

Fixing my nutritional needs

When I switched my diet, and started to pay attention to what I ate–it had a huge effect on my mood.  I started to look up the causes of anxiety, and if there were any nutritional things I can do to help.  Turned out that magnesium has a huge role to play with my anxiety.

I had to find the right supplement, and the right dose for me, and I’ve noticed that things that bothered me, don’t bother me any more. I know when there’s going to be problems, and instead of worrying about them, I just figured that we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.  That is a huge game changer for me.

Yes, the goal is to get as much magnesium as I can from the foods that I eat, but we all need a little help, and that is where the supplements come from.

Finding a Hobby

My family laughs at me, but I’m on a hobby search.  It’s a shame I don’t have more time in the day, but I truly love my hobbies.  I’ve written about having a hobby here, but let me tell you how it has helped with my worrying.

Anxiety is worrying about the future.  So instead of worrying about things that hasn’t happened (or ever will), I’m focused on what keeps my blood pumping.  I’ve talked about knitting, but I also crochet.  I’m getting into sewing and embroidery too!  There is just a huge surge of “Wow, I did that!” when I look at a finished piece.

(I now have a site that’s dedicated to my knitting. It’s still in the beginning, but you can look at my creations there. )

There are times when I think a simple stitch is just simple, but then I show it to someone who doesn’t do this for a hobby and they are just amazed.  Ultimately, my hobbies are for me, but my family gets a huge benefit from it as well.

Appreciating the present

Seriously, I truly lost count of how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds I lost worrying about a far off day.  I’ve wasted so much time that I can truly see the importance of living in the present.  Everyday is different for me.  I may do the same things (mostly) day in and day out, but how I do them is not the same.

I’m more focused on giving my children the attention they need.  Listening to their stories that they made up, or just sitting and knitting while they are watching TV.  They are just enjoying the fact that I’m actually sitting for once.  I try to be more mindful of my words and actions. I constantly think if it was my last moments, how would I want them to remember me by?  So focusing on “the end” actually helps me appreciate the present.

Prayer

How can I give you what helps me without mentioning prayer.  This is a game changer.  So many people believe that they can change the world on their own.  I have no intentions of huge plans.  I just want to change my inner world as much as I could.  

Praying has helped me acknowledge that I cannot do it alone.  There is no shame in asking Him for help and then letting it go.  I don’t know what the future will hold–but who does?  I can say–with full honesty, I’m not remotely worried about it anymore.  

Keeping the focus off ourselves can help us manage our anxiety and worries.  By doing something else, we no longer have the moment to ruminate over our problems or situation.  I’m not going to say that these things will help everyone, but it can sure be a starting point for anyone.  

What have you done to reign in your worry bug?

Am I too deep in this and feel that I’m not qualified?  Have I looked deeply on my mistakes, see where I can improve and feel like I don’t have reason to talk–maybe.  There is one word that follows me around when I interact with my children all day–I don’t know everything.
 

Working With Different Personalities

Life with 3 children (and one on the way) there are many different personalities.  I have a child who is selective in their hearing, but can be sweet and thoughtful at times.  I have a child that has a total breakdown when I don’t feed them at the exact correct time, and they cannot even read time yet.  Another one is sensitive, but built like a truck–seriously, don’t mess with him.

Working with these personalities is trying and exhausting.  There are days where I just want to lock myself in my bedroom and hide!  However, I know that God does everything for a reason, and he has his own reasons for doing what he does.

My Key To Sainthood

The trials that we face everyday, as mothers is a stark reminder that this is our key to sainthood.  Just thinking about heaven and realizing that it is full of mothers and fathers who put themselves last, and offered up everything they had to God.

The days are hard, and sometimes they are fun.  Children are fun, but they are exhausting.  They seem to have endless questions, abundant energy, and forceful emotions.  To be subjected to that daily and try to keep your cool is hard enough.

Wishing for Patience

When my daughter was younger, and our second was just born; I had asked for patience.  I wanted to be that calm mother who can handle any situation–I’m not there yet.  

Asking for patience, and having this cool as a cucumber picture in your mind is two different things.  Honestly, when you ask for it, you will be put in situations when it’s going to be tested–all the time.

That is where I am at right now.  Our family decided to home-school, so I’m surrounded all the time.  I won’t say that I look at other mothers who drop their kids off and then have the day to themselves as lucky.  But, I them realize how lucky I am to be with my kids so often.

[Tweet “Before I know it, they will grow up, and this time will just be a memory.”]

How to use this time wisely

I’m still going through the motions, but there are things that I have to do to use my time with them wisely–even if I’m frustrated.

1. I offer what I can up to God.  These sufferings–or growing pains is here for a reason.  While it may make me crazy at the moment, I know when it’s over, we all would have grown from this experience.  What can be better than to offer the suffering for the Holy Souls while I’m learning a lesson.  
2. Pray for them (and myself) often. I remember my children during my daily rosary . I pray for their well-being, and their health.  I pray that they are able to make good decisions.  I also pray that I can handle (with God’s help) the issues that are thrown at me.  I pray that I can respond with love and understanding.
3. Remember they are only children.  I think this is the hardest one for me.  I have to seriously remember that they are just kids.  They will have their moments in not remembering (or hearing) what I’m saying.  They will be forgetful, and they will be careless.  My role as mother is to prepare them for life, but to do it in a way that will not break their spirits.

Motherhood is a trial

Ultimately, motherhood is a trial.  It will cause you to use everything you have to get through each day.  There will be days that will be awesome and there will be days that will be just trying (and you’re counting down to bedtime).  Either way, these are days that we will remember.  

How are you using motherhood to grow in your spiritual life?