been in a “flash-mode” this 5 past hours. i even shower fast.

going to the immigration office to get my picture taken for a new passport.

trying to upload a new video. it’s the third attempt. hate when it happens. waiting to 30mb or so to get uploaded, and the nfinding out that it has failed with no apparent reason.

created the new channel. just start new. whatever. i think it’ll be ‘polluted’ eventually.

rencana mendadak ke spore lebaran ini. asik2…

kenapa loe perlu merendahkan sesuatu, seakan2 remeh dan tidak ada artinya. tanpa toleransi.

i once said that “no matter how bad i tried, i just can’t be bad”. but now that might have changed. and i hate myself for that. because i am bad ‘because’ of you. i decided to be bad to you. that made me a loser.

you hurt me. i accept, i lose.
you hurt me. i fight back, i lose.

you hurt me. i explain. you spit out the perfect argument. i banter once or twice. i lose.
you hurt me. i explain, your argument, mine, yours, mine, i might win, but i am drained. i lose.

fucked up.

what’s the meaning of winning and losing?
it’s all in the mind.

no matter what the situation is, you win if you can convince the other person that he has lost. the other way around is true. you lose if you are convinced that you are the loser. haha
so i lost no matter what.

i can so crush you everytime. i can just not tolerate. i can do the things you do. but that’s not me. i won’t allow it.

what’s the point?

maybe it’s all just a matter of expectation.

i don’t want to feel guilty just for something i create in my mind.

i used to give my hands to you, letting you cut it, and then feeling pain, both from the cut and also from the guilt and apology to myself.

not anymore. i will slowly walk my way out of it.

———-
jakarta
status: infected!
hahahaaa

banyak yang sakit akhir2 ini. Faktor utama: gw sendiri juga sakit, jadi porsi perhatian gw utk hal ini lebih banyak.
biasanya mungkin memang banyak yg sakit, tp nggak terlalu gw perhatiin.

———————
tadi ketemu gambar gitar keren sekali. gitar dg model pedang. pedang bersayap. uffff keren abis..

sleek!

————–
Besok nyontreng.

what does having a good command in english do for you?

are there things that would determine how good you will be in english?
do i like english because it follows my natural flow of thought? or is it the opposite? My flow of thought follows my preference for English?

——————

got an idea for a friend’s birthday. it’d kill.

i just hope i can approach and execute it the right way
Almost got home, around 4 more minutes. still in the car right now. Starts to get dizzy staring at the constantly-slightly-shaking screen.

from the sentence above you can actually synthetize some information about my habits.
Left my wallet at home, luckily after groping here and there i still have 15k for hokben we decided to order out of the blue.

————————–

there was a fire in the building across the road this afternoon. i can only see the thick white smoke (not gray, looks kind of too ‘clean’) and no fire. But I noticed that the people in my office were more excited than concerned seeing the fire. lol

aren’t we a bit too insensitive nowadays? hahahhaa

“whoa, look, there’s fire!”

where, where?

wow….

cool…

guys, it’s not a blockbuster movie. lol

you show me your cards
whack you in the face

i have been so often in a situation where i can’t find the thing people are laughing at that funny at all. different sense of humour? am i just weird? or are they exaggerating? did they lose their minds? am i too rigid? sinical?

apa lucunya ya? hmmm
something hilarious. the most hilarious thing is the thing i can’t laugh at.
btw, flaws i see in other people is actually things i don’t like in myself. what i see in others as a mistake is exactly what i hate about myself.

self hatred.

whoa.

wtf. is this still a decent outlet for my profanity and outburst?

because real world is not a proper place to practice it. karma karma. i have bad karma. huhu

recent days i have an unstable emotional state. i get pissed off very easily. feeling unappreciated.. pissed off. feeling insecure, pissed off.

pissed off with others, pissed off with myself. yay piss all the way. ewww….

smacks self on the forehead. cmon, keep it together.

 
remember remember,
don’t make any assumptions
always do my best
don’t take anything personally
aah, i can’t remmeber the other one.

 
practice is the key. it’s the secret.
so, i discovered a secret. a secret to success. this is guaranteed, 101%. PRACTICE.
btw, fixed BMA’s website problem earlier. Know what causes it? Disk Space! lol

silly. It’s a perfect example for the illustration about the mechanic that comes down to fix a submarine, when he only knocks on one spot, and then explained the bill as “knocking on the spot: 1$. knowing where to knock: $999″. lol. something like that.
practicing OLB, hoping to be able to sing and play correctly. ganbatte.

struck down by a sore throat and dizzyness yesterday, in the verge of a fever. i can feel this is a heavy one, because i rarely rarely rarely get sick. and i think suggestion also plays a big role in this.

i have so many things i want to sort out. the thoughts, feelings, i want to get them out. and own them forever. in words. overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed.

needyness, i hate. i try to be strong.

she can’t make up her mind
she needs to check with others first.
she doesn’t know it.
the blade has two eyes, and it’s cutting both ways.

 
dripping from the nose. argh.
btw, the feeling has went away. the 4-year-long love for love.

it has been replaced with another object of sufferance.
phew.
i became more and more convinced that i have a reversing mind. i notice more things i thought would be turned out wasn’t, and things i thought would happen always turn out the total opposite. Not that i want them to happen, but it’s just a funny thing i notice.
I won’t plan a thing. and things i don’t plan just got executed at the perfect time, and worked out the way i liked it to be.

i write in passive voice. i like it. it’s natural to me.
i will never really know myself.

actually i want to say ‘her’. but maybe myself is the better word.

plans for tomorrow won’t be happening. the next day also. maybe it’s working out for the best? rest assured that i am fine. i am fine. fine fine fine.
do i sound like i have a mental illness? lol

i think i’m obsessed. i am infatuated.

nothing’s right or wrong. they just are

i know it’s gonna hurt in the end. i guess i’m just being a daredevil, waiting for the right time to jump off. for the sake of adrenaline, pride, challenge.

i know he loves me. i love him too. unconditional. i just hope he sees it. and stop trying. cause no matter what he does or doesn’t, the love is there. the distrust hurts me.

i am hiding behind this LCD screen, on top of my words. organizing. vulnerable.

desperate

silly.
heat on my forehead, oozing out my nostrils. enjoying this illness. getting down with the sickness.

sometimes i feel fake. this is the side of me i never show. side of me i haven’t found the person to show it too, to slowly peel off the onion layers. or haven’t found the courage to ask anybody.

pathetic.
yep, pathetic, yay~! lol

it’s not the looks, it’s not the intimidation, not the boyishness, not the shallowness, maybe it’s the electrifying layer, hard to penetrate. never showed the real me. is it? why? i don’t think so. never mind.

woke up to impress

 
aah, started to sweat. yay. looks like i need to cancel tomorrow’s plan. i dunno. do i have to ignore it? or just because of the mind control? instead i got controlled.
mind games.

wow. My Curse is an awesome song.

feeling better already after a day of napping, and after taking a fever med.
left my wallet last week with b, she’s coming down to campus and will give it to ko1.

sniff2

geek

i hate the way you make me feel. the games you play.

yesterday was april’s fool, status ym: “org yang mudah ketipu dan nggak pintar menipu”. Gara2 biru tuh, pagi2 udah cerita ttg dia dirazia polisi, dia kabur, trus ketangkap. Ternyata cuma gw yg percaya, dengerin dg seru. Leo udah tau katanya. wkwkwkwk…. langsg pasang status ym “org yg gampang ketipu”. Trus chatting ama joandi, dia ngajakin lunch. Biasanya kan gw bawa makan, trus kemaren itu gw cuma bawa bihun, jadi gw pikir, kayaknya bisa nih gw abis makan sama joandi gw baru makan bihunnya. So I said ’sure, where do you want to eat?’. Diskusi2 sampe setengah, eh dia bilang lain hari aja deh, tar gw diboongin ama lu, ini kan april mop.

D’OH!

Gak segitu isengnya kali gw. Gw emang iseng, tp gw nggak niat stood him up kok pas lunch itu. LOL.

Yah, org2 parno abis deh kemaren.
Siangnya jam 3 gitu gw baru liat hape, ternyata silent dan ada sms dari betsy, dia bilang dia udah punya cowo, baru jadian kemaren. Entah kenapa gw langsung bisa nebak ini april mop. Gyahahahhaaa….. ya udah gw bales, ‘huaaaahhh? soriiii baru iat hape bettt!!!’ Oyah?? Gw juga ada kabar lhoo….

kabar apa? bahwa iren dilamar willy? udah tau, gw sempet telp2an sama oren tadi.
soal itu sih gw udah tau, tp u gak tau kan kenapa dilamarnya buru2 gitu? kabar gw bukan itu… serius ini..

gw udah tau, cuma mending u denger sendiri dari oren. iya, jadiannya sama ***********, ******* ***** (kena sensor).

=)) i don’t know what to believe anymore. Hari ini status YM gw “org yang mudah ketipu dan nggak pintar menipu”.

hahaha, april mop yah. btw, u really have something serius 2 tell me?
yep, i’ll call u tonight. Tadi hampir percaya, tp gw pikir kalo emang sama gun, kenapa gak disebutin dari sms pertama. trus u sms jam 10, gw baca jam 3, u anteng2 aja. Huhu, girl.
Nahhhhhhh, gw blom tau nih mo ngeboongin dia apa. Eh kebetulan ada willy. gw panggil aja, gw bilang ‘will, lamar iren donk’. Hahhahahaa….. bingung dia. desas desusnya iren dilamar tgl 1. Ou, april mop itu. Hahaha, iya tuh betsy sebar2 kabar. Trus gw tanya ada ide apa nih yg bagus buat ngerjain betsy. Willy ngasih ide MBA, nooppeee, coret dari list.

trus dia keluarin satu ide brilian. Bilang aja video u di youtube dilirik sama apple, mo dimasukin i-music apa lah.

BINGO!

Pulang2 pas mandi gw putuskan utk menyampaikan skenario ini:

gw disuruh partisipasi utk fan video rilis single paramore cooperating with apple, org apple ngeliat clip gw yg paramore miracle itu, and gw disuruh bikin part gitarnya. Hwaahahhaaa

i recorded part of the conversation, relevant to april’s fool. overall, seru sih percakapan kemaren. Gak basi, keeps on flowing.
pagi ini gw baru kepikir, kemaren pagi kan gw sempet ngetik ttg avoiding pain dan seeking pleasure. Dan baru aja mengungkit ttg how come i don’t call my friends, and what pain i derive from it. Ehh malemnya gw telp. Entah itu terjadi consciously / sub. And it went well. I felt that yesterday i was able to communicate stories easier. Kenapa yah. Apakah hormon? Hormon apaaa coba?

btw, dolar udah 10rb gitu. I think I’ll renew my domains. Sebelumnya udah males gitu, 12rb aj. Tp on the other hand kepikir juga sih ttg dolar yg dibeli bokap. itu brarti devalued. Ini gw cuma takut bokap panik n jual itu dolar. Kan jadi rugi. Menurut gw sih disimpan aja. Lagian gak kapok2 sih tu org beli dolar. Gw amatin selama ini sih gak pernah pas timingnya. Pasti beli pas tinggi, jual pas rendah. DOH. Hari ini dijual, besok naik. Yah mungkin ada korelasi antara perilaku pemain dolar amatir kayak gitu di pasaran dengan naik turunnya nilai dolar thdp rupiah, but what difference does it make? I have no say. Well, he asks for my opinion all the time, but never made it count. Whatever lah. It’s your money.

Hmmmm…. hari ini gak tau nyampe kantor mo ngerjain apa. apei blum ngasih bug list ***, penambahan fitur security udah kelar, printable view juga udah. Riset ttg web analytics? browsing2 RWW? back to hanin instead of hancod ? lol.

Kemaren malem abis gw telp betsy, zhou wei nelp gw. dia mo balik cina. nanya mo nitip barang apa nggak. Gw gak kepikir sih. Webcam ini aja blum kejual. Karena emang blum gw jual2in. Hmmm…
oiyaaa, besok mesti bawa webcam kasih leo coba.
webcam yg selama ini gw pake ternyata gak bs mic, dan ternyata 5 webcam baru yang gw pesen itu adaaaa! Kok bisa beda gitu ya tipenya. Anyway, jadi gw pake satu utk rekam2. Dan hasilnya rada beda sih. Mic nya sih gak bisa kepake karena ada buzzing. Tapi secara jarak fokus dan area pengambilan, yg baru tuh lebih luas. Entah kenapa.

 
I might consider microphone, aux, pre amp, whatever. Next on my budget allocation. Berkat seseorang yang udah komplain early on. Trus diconfirm sama gab. Ya udah lah. 1.8 gitu kalo gak salah inget. UX2 aja. Hmmm… nyam nyam….

*finishing the tousa pau she’s holding*
sempet jaga bengkel btr tadi siang, dua motor yg masuk tuh plat no nya Z, motor garut. haha, quite a concidence.

abis jaga toko mandi, udah butek bgt rasanya. aslinya tuh rencana mandi sblm jam 10, trus mo nyeterika. banyak numpuk. ehh akhirnya malah browsing ebook utk fb app development sampe jam 10:30 gt.

akhirnya abis makan siang baru nyeterika. 2 jam lebih. bkakwkak…

latihan here without you ah….

selama nyeterika dengerin colbie, enak2. i think i’ll try out her midnight bottle, the little things, atau realize, oxygen dan older

 
bueehh,, you won’t believe what i had for dinner. Nasi padang! lol. I have officially superceeded all the carb i skipped in two weeks lol
when love songs make sense
you tell me, you want to swim in my ocean, talk to me all day, spend some time together, apart and away.

tumben hari ini siap2nya agak cepet. well, bukan siap2nya sih yg jadi penyebab utama. secara gw bangun lebih cepet dari biasa, dan lebih cepet segar juga. Gw nggak ingat sih tepatnya gw tidur jam brp, tp jam 6 teng udah sempet melek sekali, gw terusin sampe jam 7 kurang 5 menit.
jadi, berhub masih kira2 30 menit lagi evy baru sampai, gw keluarin dulu nih laptop, ngetik2 dikit lah.

kemaren alfin SMS ada yg bagus. Isinya kira2 gini: Kalau kita bilang tinggal di penjara itu enak, pasti kita dibilang gila. Tapi kalau kita sudah dipenjara dan tidak bisa merasakan enak, bisa2 kita gila beneran. Artinya, dalam situasi sulit pun kita mesti bisa memetik ‘enak’ nya, menerima sambil berjuang untuk memperbaiki keadaan.
Yah, gw bales aja, ‘good analogy fin’. Dia balas, dimana gw baru tau bahwa dia denger kata2 itu dari penduduk SG pas kemaren itu dia jadi relawan di situ. Wuih, gw langsung bisa memaknai itu lebih dalam. Yah, memang org indonesia itu dasarnya optimis. Err… kayaknya gw harus mengganti kata2 ‘org indonesia’ di kalimat sebelumnya dengan ‘manusia’. Errmm… tp gak tau juga sih, apakah penggantian itu bisa dipertanggungjawabkan sepenuhnya. Too full of steretyping.

Dah, let me say it like this:

orang SG itu punya pandangan yang optimistis mengenai hidup. Dia cinta hidupnya. Dia pasrah. Dia let go. Dia bodoh. Hmm?

Nggak deng. Gw nggak tau apa pikiran yg melandasi kata2nya itu, tp gw salut sama efek yang ditimbulkan kata2 itu.
Filosofi yang cukup bagus. Yang gw tangkap ke gw adalah bagaimana manusia menyesuaikan diri dengan keadaan. Dasarnya org suka santai, jadi terlalu cuek. Mendinginkan kepala untuk mencari solusinya. Solusi atas masalah yang pada awalnya mungkin ditimbulkan oleh kecuekan nya itu sendiri (katanya itu tanggul udah retak dari awal tahun). Eh.. tp apa sih yg bisa dilakukan? Apakah harus mencari campur tangan pemerintah? Nggak juga sih ya, bisa aja inisiatif datang dari masyarakat itu sendiri. Tp mgkn kita terlalu sibuk ngurusin tetek bengek rutinitas sehari2. Procrastinate, cuek, nyantai, laid back.

eh… barusan gw ngesave ini tulisan, biasa lah, gw rapiin, taro di folder berdasarkan bulan. Gw baru sadar, ini tanggal 1 April. Hahahahhaa…. Sudah terlalu tua kah utk main April mop? Never mind.
Baru jam 8:13 gitu. Apa kabar betsy dkk ya? Pengen nghubungin tp kok malas. Entah malas entah apa deh perasaan yang membuat gw tidak menjalankan niat ini. Meskipun gw tau bahwa dengan menghubungi, nothing bad can come from it. At least nothing that i know of consciously. Apakah secara bawah sadar, atau secara tidak langsung gw lagi seek pleasure dan avoiding pain?

What pain can come from contacting my best friends?

hey. I express my thought better in English.

What pain yah… hmmm… let’s think.

I fear rejection. Sometimes i have no topics, and i felt bad because I cannot carry on the conversation as i like it. as i imagined it’s supposed to go in my head. All perfect and idealistic. Almost like a scenario. It’s pain from not getting what i expected.

 
hey, i learn somthing brand new from today’s writing session. One of the reasons I don’t call my friends is because i am avoiding a pain. A pain that comes from lack of confidence of my conversation skill. While now if I think about it, it’s all in my head. I imagined it all. The perfect conversation -> goal. The failed conversation -> most possible case. The actual thing that happen? Never knew, because i dismissed the plan before it even manifested.

How can I discipline myself? I know writing can give me a lot of advantages, help me improve things i have been setting in my ‘to do list’. Stuff like ‘organize thoughts better’, ‘communicate with confidence’, ‘eliminate conversation anxiety’, ‘learn how to carry on conversations’. But somehow I can always find a reason not to do it, avoiding pain. Let’s find out what pain do i derive from writing? How can it overpower the pleasure that i consciously know i will get?

[letting the concepts sink in]….
[plugging in earphone, winamp on]
this is brainstorming. mind dumping. transforming thoughts into a more concrete form, words. Even though it might corrupt the meaning, the intention, the value of the concept that i have in my head initially. (because words are limiting, putting restrictions on abstract wholesome ideas).

anyway, udah sebulan ternyata gak ngeblog. ini btr lagi mau siap2 berangkat ke kantor. tadi malem sempet gak bisa tidur, stomachace. skrg laper. siap2 dulu ah.

hr ini rabu, mestinya ada TM, tp gw gak pergi ah. gw gak mau maksain diri, speechnya blom jadi, ntar kalo maksa bisa2 gw merasa failed. padahal lack preparation aja.

gw barusan ngumpul2in referensi utk website web consultancy. pengen cari tau strukturnya, pengen mengisi my self titled website. udah ah, gw turun dulu, ada breadtalk yg dibeli kemaren menunggu.

current office is nice, still really nice.

todo list:

hunting hadiah utk secret santa

bikin friend search

fill my self titled website