Tweet Me Harder

TopatoCo Presents: TMH LIVE in Seattle, WA - March...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:48:43 -0500

TopatoCo Presents: TMH LIVE in Seattle, WA - March 12!

We’re very pleased to bring TMH Live to the TopatoCo Emerald City Comicon Kickoff Party, hosted at Arcane Comics & More in West Seattle, WA! TopatoCo (the fun-things-publisher company that produces merchandise for both Kris and David’s comic strips) is bringing tons of its popular cartoonists to the Emerald City Comicon the weekend of March 13 & 14, and the night before, they’re throwing a fantabulous pre-party for all to come and enjoy! Admission is free!

Though the comic store is open all day, our folks will start getting there around 6PM and TMH LIVE will start at 7PM. The address is: 3219 California Ave SW, Seattle WA 98116.

We’ll be hanging out afterwards for a meet-&-greet as well. See you there on Friday, March 12!

SHOW 38: Hemp Hammock, Sea Salt Soak and Beyond / 51min /...

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:39:00 -0500

SHOW 38: Hemp Hammock, Sea Salt Soak and Beyond / 51min / February 25, 2010

Kris and David bear terrified witness to Bed, Bath and Beyond knockoffs, stratified mind-altering gases, smoothies, ozonated child labor and the world’s tallest man as David undertakes his own exploration.

Download the MP3

MrBildango: You’re at a hippy store.. Are you sure it isn’t an ignoble gas? #tmh

—

benhutchingsuk: You can make ozone from photocopiers but the ozone scoopers have got every convinced it’s not as good as the natural stuff #tmh

—

cephalopod_gal: Jesus, @malki’s panicked voice makes me laugh and cry at the same time. #tmh

—

pyrosim: Kris and David live the most horrifying lives #tmh

SHOW 37: Comprehensive Family Feud / 1hr 6min / February 18,...

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:21:31 -0500

SHOW 37: Comprehensive Family Feud / 1hr 6min / February 18, 2010

Kris and David survey the entire planet, throw surprise parties, make enemies of archers, tell long-winded stories of fruitless correspondence, and David’s mom thinks the boys are doing a good job.

Download the MP3

cephalopod_gal The jewels are actually a scrap of paper that say “The jewels were inside you all along.” #tmh

—

Kouban I want to see a campground set up as a complex Venn diagram, so you wind up with ridiculously complicated combination camps #tmh

—

nebadger I was a fat kid, my fat kid tears helped others sleep at night… it also made cookies taste better #tmh

—

robynneblume We had a yardsale when I was a kid and none of my things sold because I’d written the prices on them with sharpie. #tmh

SHOW 36: Painter of Fright / 48min / February 11, 2010Kris and...

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:16:20 -0500

SHOW 36: Painter of Fright / 48min / February 11, 2010

Kris and David uncover the terrifying hidden meaning behind Thomas Kincade paintings, Kris says goodbye to his window-cataloguing project, and David’s mom continues to have opinions about Tweet Me Harder.

Download the MP3

Kouban My cat loves the box #tmh comes in.

MrBildango #tmh comes in an ear box; a solid wax square that you need to melt to get to the product.

—

MrBildango If you light a Kincade painting on fire, the front layer burns away and you briefly see the burning people in the house #tmh

—

cephalopod_gal In this conversation, “windows” equals “women.” #tmh

Kouban “pulleys” is also a metaphor for “women” #tmh

cephalopod_gal Every noun is a metaphor for women on #tmh

—

jplaub As Malki’s mom would say, “Zippo Hurdle Backses” #tmh

—

cubewatermelon @tweethard #tmh These conversations are always best when I come in during the middle of them.

SHOW 35: Safety Aliens / 59min / February 4, 2010Kris and David...

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:42:00 -0500

SHOW 35: Safety Aliens / 59min / February 4, 2010

Kris and David give each other relaxing workplace massages, chow down on vegetable wax, revolutionize ice cream, praise vagueness in fiction, and David’s mom discovers Tweet Me Harder.

Download the MP3

cephalopod_gal Time for #tmh fanfic! Malki gives Kris a ~platonic~ massage.

Kouban Due to the design of the bottle, when you squeeze it, Kris and David appear to kiss #tmhfanfic #tmh

—

thegreenavenger @tweethard The two bottles are filled with two different kinds of oil and when you bond them together it causes a horrible burning sensation

Kouban @thegreenavenger Tragically, #tmh Massage Oil and #tmh Napalm Kit look extremely similar and they refuse to fix this

—

cubewatermelon @tweethard #tmh I think Kris has confused Pool with Gymnastics

pyrosim @Kouban That actually sounds like it could be a fantastic sport. You have to do pool and gymnastics simultaneously #tmh

—

jplaub Malki just bought tons of ice cream, his freezer died, and now he’s trying to pawn off melted ice cream on an unsuspecting audience #tmh

cephalopod_gal I need to grab a trashcan in case I throw up. Just the idea of “ice cheese” makes me feel gross. #tmh

—

pyrosim @tweethard Listening to your technical problems is the reason I come to the live stream instead of the podcast; no worries #tmh

SHOW 34: Horseless Carousel / 59min / January 27, 2010Kris and...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:58:00 -0500

SHOW 34: Horseless Carousel / 59min / January 27, 2010

Kris and David put robots to work, unlock the spelling science behind supplements, bond over a common fear, and Kris talks to David’s mom to determine the veracity of David’s “Bitten Beans” story from TMH31.

Download the MP3

MrBildango Can’t you just grab someone’s hands and just spin around with them? #tmh

robynneblume @MrBildango Sure, if you want one of those dangerous “Back Alley Centrifuges.” #tmh

MrBildango I’m not saying it works every time. It’s a folk remedy. #tmh

—

cephalopod_gal I like ghosts. #tmh

Kouban @cephalopod_gal Even thresher ghosts? #tmh

cephalopod_gal @Kouban ESPECIALLY thresher ghosts. #tmh

Kouban @cephalopod_gal Do you have any official Thresher Ghost goods, or just an I <3 Ghosts t-shirt? #tmh

cephalopod_gal @Kouban I have a I <3 Ghosts tattoo on my bottom. #tmh #thisisfalse

—

neoeo What about a ghoul driving a Zamboni, and you’re not wearing skates? That’s scarier, because you can’t run away. #tmh

rkarl07 […] an undead zamboni… THE ZOMBONI! #dundunduuuunnn #tmh

—

frostyplum the problem with @tweethard is if I break for the bathroom, there is zero chance I will know what’s going on when I come back. #tmh

SHOW 33: Anti-Feng Shui / 40min / January 20, 2010Kris and...

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 23:12:00 -0500

SHOW 33: Anti-Feng Shui / 40min / January 20, 2010

Kris and David put time in with palindromic years, late-night holiday DJs, psychic energy, snack chip flavor conspiracies and discover a new way to harness the body’s energy.

Download the MP3

gameking218 Look, when a game developer asks that you buy the special brain attachment, you get what is coming to you. #TMH

—

neoeo Live pullups yields grunting into the microphone. No thanks. #tmh #tmi

—

MrBildango Doritos contains: Cheese; Melted Triangles; Dust #tmh

—

gskull Okay guys, don’t tweet *quite* that hard #tmh

—

ginbucketfish As a ghost, I am very offended by Kris’s anti-ghost platform #tmh

SHOW 32: The Meat of Human Approval / 54min / January 13,...

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:07:46 -0500

SHOW 32: The Meat of Human Approval / 54min / January 13, 2010

Kris and David enhance security footage, solve their parking woes, uncover the deadly Flowbee conspiracy and anticipate the Hybrid Man.

Download the MP3

Kouban Death by Flo-Bee is my David Malki #coverband #tmh

—

UglyNord @cephalopod_gal Chik-Fil-A is a restaurant? It sounds like some sort of exotic club. #tmh

cephalopod_gal @UglyNord Well, it’s both. When they say Chicken Strips, it’s both a verb and a noun. #tmh

frostyplum @cephalopod_gal chicken stripping? now them’s some hot wings! #tmh

—

hugparty I have no idea what you’ve been talking about for the past 20 minutes. #tmh

frostyplum @hugparty I have to agree. the show has lost me several times tonight. #tmh

Junk Me Harder: Discover Application

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:34:00 -0500

Junk Mail Reviewed by Tweet Me Harder

We’ve all experienced the thrill of receiving mail followed by the crushing sadness of realizing it’s junk mail. Marketers are no dummies, however; they want to prolong the former reaction and forestall the latter for as long as possible — preferably until after you have returned the enclosed paperwork and applied for credit from their company. Thus they go to great lengths to make their missives appear “official”, as if dispatched from some Agency of Import or Bureau of Relevance sequestered deep in the bowels of the International Government Totally A Real Thing.

But with more Official Agencies out there than ever, how is anyone to know for sure? In this irregular extension of Tweet Me Harder — the world’s first, best, only, and last talkback-enabled interactive audio podblast — we apply empirical measurement to junk mail to shine Science on spurious claims.

SUBJECT 001-A-5349097-XQU-5: Credit application from Discover®.

The return address is from “Preferred Customer Administration.” Note the subtle flattery. You are a Preferred Customer. Apparently, there is a special division at Discover® Personal Loans that only deals with preferred customers. Also note the euphemism “Personal Loans”, which avoids the term “credit” and its loaded connotations.

DELIBERATELY BENIGN SELF-ADDRESS: 7 points

“UPDATE BASED ON CURRENT ANALYSIS” — an overreliance on thesauri and subsets of a previous phrase’s definition seem to be the hallmarks of junk mail copy. Has anyone provided an update based on outdated information? Hearsay? Is this intended to put the recipient at ease, knowing that Discover® did not fill an envelope with raw data on reams of copier paper for the customer to interpret? That, hopefully, it has been analyzed for the purposes of a fully-current update?

NONSENSE CLAIM TO SIGNIFICANCE: 14 points

Fake rubber stamp reading “IMPORTANT”: imagine a Discover® financial adviser, having carefully considered and personally chosen You, the Preferred Customer, as a candidate for this special offer, stuffing and sealing this envelope with satisfaction. “I hope this offer comes at a good time for this Preferred Customer,” he sighs, inclining a wrist to check a fancy watch below a rolled-up sleeve. “I hope they understand the importance of this information.” Then, taking another long, hard look at the envelope, already emblazoned by stripe and slogan, he rummages through a desk drawer, fingering through a collection of rubber stamps. “Aha!” he crows. Casually but firmly, he presses the stamp onto the kraft-paper surface, leaving the outlined word IMPORTANT shining in red ink in the dim, after-hours light. “That,” he thinks, “should do the trick.”

Can you plausibly imagine this scenario? No? That’s ‘cause it didn’t happen.

FAUX APPEARANCE OF MANUAL HANDLING: 12 points

The black striped line draws the eye to the reverse of the envelope, which yields ten words, when presented in this order, are content-free. There is an “immediate effectiveness” that refers to a request within a timeframe that is not particularly noteworthy. The final three words, “as outlined inside,” seem like verbiage that trickled out after a spigot was closed too slowly — but in fact it is a call to action is for the reader to tear open the envelope, for fear of missing out on a time-sensitive offer. In this, Discover® is guarding against the letter being discarded as junk mail, and thus it reveals a self-awareness. Its only defense is pious condescension: THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS NOT JUNK MAIL DON’T EVEN THINK IT YOU IGNORAMUS. YOU DON’T KNOW. WE KNOW.

SELF-CONSCIOUS BRAGGADOCCIO: 6 points

In the letter itself, the designer has attempted to mimic the form of a generated document, but two designerly leanings have spoiled this. One, they’ve selected Futura to be the dominant font. Futura is closely associated with the Discover® brand, but it’s unlikely that any serious literature would be printed in all Futura. (Even the call-outs on the envelope are Futura Condensed — they couldn’t resist!) Two, the “computer-generated” entries of cardmember year, “update status” and “rating” are given in an OCR typeface. There is no reason for this. It’s obvious that they can print the recipient’s name in Futura already. This did not pass through a second printer slaved to the Preferred Credit Assistance mainframe. They did not take a pre-prepared template sheet, with the “Cardmember Since” and other fields blank, and fill it out with your information. And again, it was not rubber-stamped by a human out of concern that the importance of this section would otherwise be inadequately conveyed.

FAUX MACHINE-GENERATED DOCUMENT: 18 points

The “Update Status” field lists the recipient’s status as “Preferred.” One is led to wonder what other possible statuses may exist. Premier? Favored? Partial To? Indifferent? Discouraged? Warned Against? Afraid Of?

One also wonders what other actions could be requested of the recipient: clearly the template form was created with a blank so that any information could be filled in there. Perhaps other letters urge readers to send a fax? Dispatch a telegram? Do nothing, and carefully consider all options? Or even potentially STOP CALLING OUR OFFICE EVERY FIVE MINUTES, WE ARE SERIOUS IT IS GETTING VERY TIRESOME.

Below the recipient’s name is an Invitation Number. This is patent nonsense.

And then the letter opens with the words “Based on a recent analysis, your status has been reviewed and your file awarded our rating of ‘5.0 Superior.’” As a cardholder since 2005 and Preferred Customer with 5.0 Superior status, we wonder if the recipient might see the methodology of the “recent analysis”. A letter to Discover® is in the works.

NONSENSE INFORMATION: 21 points

Discover® posits a scenario in which a $15,000 debt is threatening your life. You can, they promise in both text and flow-chart form, “get out from under that debt with one low $270 monthly payment […] In just 72 months, you’ll have zero debt and zero payments.” In case the point isn’t clear, the international “no” sign is then applied individually to the words “DEBT” and “PAYMENT”. Have we, cynical postmodernites, misjudged Discover®’s motives? Is the financial behemoth actually an altruist, eager to help a beleaguered citizenry take control of their economic fortunes? Let’s do the math:

$270 montly payment x 72 months = $19,440

FAUX BROW-FURROWED CONCERN: 12 points

“ERASE DEBTS” is presented, contextless, in the manner of a poem — something to color the mind and evoke certain thoughts. Helpfully it has been afforded a 1-pt black border to differentiate it from actual dialogue. Otherwise it would look like Discover is shouting at you. It’s kindly unspecific too: not ERASE YOUR DEBTS. Without the box it would appear as if Discover is demanding the recipient erase all debts everywhere. With the box, the words are presented more or less as meta-textual boumas.

NON-SEQUITUR EMOTIONAL APPEAL: 8 points

Viewing the application page header, it’s clear that Discover® has zero standardization in its offices. There are daisy-wheel printers which report your rating (on the first page of the letter itself). There are also rubber stamps. Before an application form goes out, an unnamed clerk must physically write the phrase “5.0 SUPERIOR” in the box made by a RATING stamp. Isn’t this a little inefficient? Couldn’t they save a step by including that rating in the stamp? Or route this form through the mainframe so it could be plastered with your name and cardmember year? How many other ways do they need of doing this?

The only way to make “5.0 SUPERIOR” believable is to expose the other tiers of the program, all the way down to “0.0 IRREDEEMABLE SUBHUMAN.”

Also note that the 4-Step Application is really comprised of four arbitrary larger, Super-Steps. I count no fewer than 25 actual steps.

FAUX MANUAL APPROVAL, MULTI-FACETED: 19 points

“Exclusively for Preferred Cardmembers.” If a Discouraged Cardmember calls up, will they be denied?

MEANINGLESS EXCLUSIVITY: 4 points

Enter your email to “Receive important Account servicing information and other Discover Financial Services offers.” The second part of that is code for “Let us sell your contact information to third parties with their own scammy deals.” Note that there is no way on this form to opt in to the account information while opting out of the other offers.

BRAZEN DOUBLE-FISTED PROFIT MOTIVE DISGUISED AS VALUE: 6 points

TOTAL POINTS: 127

Scale: Anything over 100 is deemed “retarded.”

By way of contrast, view this ACTUAL official notice from the United States Bankruptcy Court:

oh shoot

Want your junk mail evaluated? Sent it (yes, physically send it, unopened if possible, in a larger envelope) to:

TMH Junk Me Harder
2554 Lincoln Blvd #214
Venice, CA 90291
If we choose to review your mail, all personal information will be obfuscated.

SHOW 31: U-Boat House / 59min / January 6, 2010 Kris and David...

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 20:55:00 -0500

SHOW 31: U-Boat House / 59min / January 6, 2010

Kris and David eat hot lunch, review junk mail, play with stickers, decide on appropriate hats, sketch criminals, build their ideal houses and assemble a Winnebago armada.

Download the MP3

MrBildango What if your lunch gets stolen after you’ve eaten it, using future technology. Future bullies will teleport the lunch out of you. #tmh

—

AdamRB @frostyplum #tmh #bakemeharder needs to happen. That would be an amazing episode.

frostyplum @AdamRB oh crap, a #tmh bakeoff. @malki makes a Sacher torte; @krisstraub just throws brown sugar in a fire.

—

MrBildango I’ve always wanted a house that had a room that had a clear floor with a giant clock under it. #tmh

cephalopod_gal @MrBildango That sounds AWESOME! Totally a Boss Battle room. #tmh

SHOW 30: Unicorn Printer / 59min / December 29, 2009Kris and...

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 20:21:00 -0500

SHOW 30: Unicorn Printer / 59min / December 29, 2009

Kris and David explore phone trees, flay people in the name of science, take a stab at speculative living, and answer the question “when is a hobo truly a hobo?”

Download the MP3

SHOW 29: Chemical Pajamas / 55min / December 16, 2009Kris and...

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:06:00 -0500

SHOW 29: Chemical Pajamas / 55min / December 16, 2009

Kris and David delve into the invention of chemicals, learn why exercise keeps us in shape, uncover secret childhood wishes, and discuss the origins of the most festive time of year: Lightningmas.

Download the MP3

Happy Holidays from Tweet Me Harder

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 20:12:00 -0500

And now, a word on werewolves:

There is no reason to be afraid of werewolves. The common knowledge about them is completely flawed.

The fact is, werewolves are bound by the same rules as certain classic vampires. For example, they cannot murder you unless you invite them into your home. And why would you do this? Only if you are under the influence of a cursed mummy’s cunning lies.

Otherwise, the werewolf’s ploys to confuse you into letting him in are not particularly effective or even comprehensible. An attempt that we have record of, for example, is the tale of a certain werewolf knocking at a door and impersonating a FedEx driver. However, he had no package or signature pad, and also, was a werewolf.

The species can, however, transform into bats — although the werewolf-bat is not winged, is the size of a large dog (or wolf), and greatly resembles a wolf in general. Also, when their blood is analyzed, DNA markers clearly place the werewolf-bat into the “salamander” category for reasons yet to be explicated. Research in this area is hampered by the fact that all scientists who have done research in this area have become werewolf-bat-salamanders themselves and have, as such, been stripped of funding.

Genetic research on werewolves is also hazardous as werewolf DNA is “fanged.” What researchers term “fangs” are oddly-shaped chromosomal markers that contain the hormonal “instruction manual” for biological transformation. These “fangs” are expected to yield the most data from these studies. Werewolf DNA “molars” appear to be used by werewolf DNA for grinding plant matter and roots. Werewolf DNA “canines” are just the regular werewolf DNA.

Aside from naming strands of werewolf DNA, no other research has been completed. In conclusion, werewolves are a vital part of our planet’s ecosystem and one day a werewolf may even be President.*

* Calvin Coolidge was posthumously declared actually a cursed mummy.

BONUS: THE LOST EPISODE! SHOW 15: Churro Flute / 1hr 6min /...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:00:00 -0500

BONUS: THE LOST EPISODE!

SHOW 15: Churro Flute / 1hr 6min / September 24, 2009

Kris and David talk about types of the sun’s energy and their application, plus upscale french fry restaurants, and David seems to suffer from selective amnesia for the duration of this correctly-edited-by-Kris lost episode of Tweet Me Harder.

Download the MP3

Storyline: More from “Kris Messed Up” (TMH15X & TMH16)

Limited TMH Posters now available!

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

Now available: limited stock of TMH25 — The Live Show — special edition posters! Did you watch the stream online? Did you download the video or listen to the podcast later? THEN YOU WERE THERE. Commemorate the event with our photo-quality, 12”x18” show posters!

Every poster is signed by both Kris and David and ships immediately upon ordering. Quit yer dallyin’ and click here to order!

SHOW 28: Spiderers / 1hr 10min / December 2, 2009Kris and David...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:00:00 -0500

SHOW 28: Spiderers / 1hr 10min / December 2, 2009

Kris and David weave clothing with spiders, decide whether to eat food off the floor, blaze trails in the treatment of mental illness, and come face-to-face with the international financial mogul who owns the rights to Tweet Me Harder.

Download the MP3

Storyline: “Emirates Capital” part 8 of 8 (best listened to in-context)

SHOW 27: Party Pup Poundcast / 58min / November 21,...

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500

SHOW 27: Party Pup Poundcast / 58min / November 21, 2009

Christopher and DJ Gordon’s Party Pup Poundcast welcomes special human guests Kris and David, who discuss frisbees vs. tennis balls, take over doggy show duties, and invent a new form of rabies.

Download the MP3

Storyline: “Emirates Capital” part 7 of 8 (but can be listened to out-of-context)

SHOW 26: Satellite Phone / 48min / November 17, 2009Kris and...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500

SHOW 26: Satellite Phone / 48min / November 17, 2009

Kris and David talk about trailers, the seamy side of advertising, and David receives a few polite guidelines from Emirates Capital Investments. Emirates Capital Investments: Where the hawk strikes, money flows.

Download the MP3

Storyline: “Emirates Capital” part 6 of 8 (best listened to in-context)

SHOW 25: Phone Van / 1hr 11min / November 14, 2009 Kris and...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500

SHOW 25: Phone Van / 1hr 11min / November 14, 2009

Kris and David take the stage for the first-ever Tweet Me Harder LIVE in Hollywood, CA, featuring special guests Fake Stan Lee and Real Dave Kellett. The gang fears spiders, reinvents mobile banking, infuses everything with vitamins, chooses their ghost rules, and visits the Voltron family.

Download the MP3

Download the QuickTime video (838 MB)

Storyline: “Emirates Capital” part 5 of 8 (but can be listened to out-of-context)

Photo above by lobraumeister

SHOW 24: Trunk Brake / 52min / November 12, 2009 Kris and David...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500

SHOW 24: Trunk Brake / 52min / November 12, 2009

Kris and David gain a deeper understanding of Kris’ internal organs, explore the evolution of dancing, and come to grips with the finer points of sponsorship and contract law. Brought to you by Emirates Capital Investments.

Download the MP3

Storyline: “Emirates Capital” part 4 of 8 (best listened to in-context)