One of many essential requirements you will be considering is attitude. I received this anecdote the other day that I feels best explains the difference that a positive attitude can make. It is a story about choices to help you in your choice. It is a tale that just might help you think about what you can or can’t control in becoming the kind of person your potential spouse would choose.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.  I choose to be in a good mood."  Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it."

"Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life".

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left my job to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything.  “Yes,” I replied.  The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, “Gravity."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

You now have two choices:

Choose Wisely or Let Fate Rule
Choose a Good Mood or a Bad Mood
Choose to be an Achiever or a Victim
Choose to be a Complainer or a Motivator
Choose to be a Giver or a Taker
Your choice

I have to tell you Sunday was a horrible day.  For 8 hours we struggled with Dell Support after our computer locked up.  It was unnecessary.  It was frustrating.  It became apparent that Dell spends all their time and energy courting you to buy but absolutely no time, energy or resources supporting you once you have bought.

This got me to wondering if this is how we treat marriages in our society today.   Do we spend all our time, energy and resources searching for the perfect mate but once we “buy”, customer service and satisfaction is a joke? It is believed that the average married couple spends less than 28 minutes per week (not per day) on average communicating.

We wouldn’t buy a car without thinking of maintaining it… hopefully.  We expect to take care of our physical wellbeing if we want to stay healthy but once we walk down the aisle, it is too easy to assume our marital wellbeing is a done deal and neglect the very thing that needs to be nurtured to remain vital. 

Just like with Dell’s Technical Support, when you are not supported or if the advertising is false, you look else where.  Frustration forces us to look for other options. 

Keep reading the rest of my Dell Technical Support Saga and let me know if you see additional relationship tips you might glean from Dell’s horrible customer support.

After finally getting through the maze of Dell’s voice activation system, we were finally told after passing a brief diagnostic test that it was a software problem and we would have to call the pay-for-service software division for $99 if we wanted help.

Our four year home service warranty with 24x7 technical support was worthless as Dell’s Warranty only covers hardware problems. 

I have never understood purchased warranties anyway.  It is like saying, “we can’t stand behind our product so when it breaks you will have to pay extra to get it fixed”.  Not if it breaks but when it stops working. They are predicting it will be defective. And obviously the unspoken rule is when it stops working, we will make it so difficult for you to get help that you will find some one else to fix it or buy a new one.  Like we would run out and buy another Dell like a light bulb that needs changing.

Relationship Advice learned from Dell’s Technical Support

• The bottom line is: don’t expect a warranty or commitment to fix an inferior product.  Make an informed decision about the relationship before you make the decision to become engaged.
• Once you make a commitment, stand behind your marriage. With marriage, it is to be understood upfront that you will have tough times or times it doesn’t work well.  Don’t buy a divorce warranty. Commitment, not divorce, should be your warranty without loopholes. Commitment is to honor marriage when it gets difficult not if it gets difficult.  It will get complicated. Allowing the divorce loophole is saying when the marriage needs service; your promise doesn’t have to be honored.
• When your marriage is struggling, it will be natural for your partner to look elsewhere for support or to find a new partner if you are not willing to work on it.

Back to the Dell Technical Support saga… 

We then had to navigate to get through to the software support system. It is a mystery to me why Dell employs technicians you can’t understand and have little command of the English language.  Shouting to automated systems and spelling your name and private information over and over to someone who can’t communicate is a journey in patience that Mother Teresa would fail.

Finally, after a couple hours we were told we would need to back everything up on our computer so they could help us delete our system in order to restore it back to where it was when we purchased it. The good news is the technician was able to speak English.

We were told that it was a virus and a common problem in that he helps at least half the people calling in delete everything and start over.  And it was no big deal in that it wouldn’t take that much time or energy for me to download all my software again. Yet in the next breath he said this was a solution of last resort. 

Something obviously wasn’t making sense. Of course my response was, “I don’t think so.  Not without trying something else first.” 

Relationship Advice learned from Dell’s Technical Support

• Learn how to communicate effectively.  The purpose of communication is to speak in a way that your partner will want to listen. At the very least, don’t yell, scream, call names or use intimidation and wonder why your partner won’t listen. 
• Don’t threaten to dump the relationship every time you don’t know what else to try.  Be willing to consider other options. 
• Don’t make assumptions and don’t jump to false conclusions.  It is difficult to work on problem solving when one partner is not willing to check things out first.

We hung up and attempted to back everything up but when numerous attempts failed I called back navigating the voice systems again as the direct phone number we were given was another joke. After 15 minutes of giving someone all my information to be transferred to a technician to give him the exact same information all over again, we were ready to start again. 

This technician was willing to run a few more diagnostics before deleting everything and starting over.  He determined it is not a software problem but a hardware problem. He documented the errors and transferred us back to the hardware department.

It is now getting to be 6 hours of dealing with Dell Technical Support.  I was again transferred to someone who is extremely difficult to understand and wasted over half an hour just spelling my name and email address.  Even though he had already been given my case number and was informed that all the information was logged, he wanted to know what the problem was. 

So I explained the past several hours spending many a lot of energy and time just trying to relay the error code numbers. He then asked me again to tell him what the problem was.  It appeared he was reading from a script and forgot where he was at.

Asking for his supervisor wasn’t successful.  He insisted he needed to run the same diagnostic test that was initially ran which of course it passed again. I was told I would need to call the software department as this was a software problem or I could log on to wwwdellsupport.com.

At this point, I was not polite to say the least. “Excuse me, Mr. Dell Technical Support; I was just transferred from the software department. Excuse me, Mr. Dell Technical Support; I can’t get into my computer.”

It was then my husband decided it was his turn again and we were transferred to a Dell technician who ran diagnostics that proved the same errors that were logged by the software department earlier.  He finally helped us isolate a bad memory chip.  A new chip was to be shipped on warranty and the computer was able to function on half the memory. 

We received a new refurbished chip 3 days later. Apparently warranty does not mean new replacements.  But the story is not over yet as after an hour of trying to reinstall it and another hour on the phone with someone who we couldn’t understand, it was decided, there must be something wrong with the chip they sent.  Tune in later for the rest of the story….

Relationship Advice learned from Dell’s Technical Support

• Listen.  Don’t ask a question if you are not going to bother to listen.  Many relationship problems are the result of one partner having communicated the problem to a deaf ear. Then when they finally give up, their partner claims they don’t have a clue and can’t understand what the problem is. 
• Deleting your marriage and starting over is a last resort.  Even though it is true that half the marriages today get dumped, if you don’t address the right problem, you still won’t be fixed. You’ll just carry your “stuff” to a new house.
• Do the opposite of Dell Technical Support.

I have a woman friend I am deeply committed to. She has a problem with smoking marijuana for the last 15 years. She is currently working with a trusted therapist and her medical doctor to find answers for ending her habit. She wants to quit but has had terrible reactions with all the medical prescriptions given by her doctor in the past. This leaves her unwilling to attempt new treatments. However, she says she will keep trying.

She is very energetic and believes she is gifted or has ADD/ADHD. I've seen how being away from pot leaves her unfocused and easily distracted by all that goes on around her. This, she says, makes her edgy, highly irritable, and hard to live with her own emotions and racing thoughts. I used to believe the pot could do only harm (besides the obvious legal issues). However, I don't like to admit, I see it as an effective remedy for her overstimulation.

Is this issue big enough to keep a couple from getting married? There are children involved in our relationship - my 4 yr old son and 14 yr old step son and her 12 and 15 yr old boys and 14 yr old daughter. By all outward appearances, the children are well adjusted and have normal relationships. I feel if we would not survive this issue, at least I am somehow meant to be there for her kids and help them to overcome some of the fallout, should they need help.

J

Dear J,

I commend you for asking this hard question about your partner's marijuana problem in your relationship before you make a commitment.

Only you can answer IF her marijuana problem is a BIG enough issue to you.  What you are trying to decide is if being with an addiction free partner is an essential expectation for you or if it is just a need expectation. 

The difference is:  If it is an essential for you, then you need to walk away.  An essential expectation is a requirement that you absolutely know you need for any relationship to work regardless how wonderful everything else is.  Essential expectations are often referred to as "deal breakers".  Essential expectations are something you require of yourself and know without a doubt it has to be there for the relationship to work.  Some examples of essential expectations for many couples would be fidelity, shared faith, open communication, freedom from addictions or lawfully correct.

Whereas, a need expectation is something that will cause tension if it is not negotiated or resolved.  And a want expectation is something that would be nice in a relationship but will not make it or break it.

Here is the bottom line that may help you resolve this marijuana question:

Can I live with her marijuana use forever if she never changes? 

If you know you truly cannot then committing to the relationship is not wise unless, or until, you see consistent enduring behavior change.  I am not clear to what degree her use is affecting the children.  You indicate "by all outward appearances the children are well adjusted".   What would the children tell me? Are the children aware?  Having a parent using marijuana, while telling a teenager not to use substances, is a difficult scenario for sure.

Wishing you the best in your difficult decision,

June Safty Odegard
Helping couples determine their essentials, needs and wants!

How do we make our long distance relationship work?  I live in Long Beach and my partner lives in Memphis, Tennessee.  He won't consider relocating.  Do I need to relocate to save our relationship?

Dear how do we make our long distance relationship work?

Negotiating a long distance relationship is difficult.  Here are a few things that you need to consider:

• Is negotiating where you live, the only issue that you need to resolve to save your relationship? If there are other issues that "need saving", moving won't fix everything.
• Would moving from Long Beach be harmful to your career or soul?
• Would his moving to Long Beach be harmful to his career or soul? Why won't he consider relocating?
• How long have you been dating?  If your relationship met through an internet dating service, have you actually met each other and spent considerable time together?  While internet dating services can be a good way to meet someone, internet connection is not sufficient to truly assess your relationship.

I would advise the two of you negotiate a compatible life vision to determine what will work for your long distance relationship.  Sacrificing yourself to save the relationship won't work.  You both need to be living your life purpose but together.

I hope this helps resolve your long distance question!

June Safty Odegard
Start your phone coaching sessions today to negotiate your compatible life vision!

I’m already engaged, but thought you might be able to help me with my dilemma before the wedding. Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

I’m getting married in March 2006. My fiancé, Scott, and I have arranged a destination wedding. Several family members and friends will be joining us for the weeklong festivities down South. One of the guests, Ann, makes me very uncomfortable. In retrospect, I don’t feel she should have been invited, but here’s the story:

Ann is Scott’s ex-girlfriend. She’s also one of Scott’s sisters’ best friends. Between that friendship and the former relationship, Ann has significant ties to my future family-in-law. She’s now married to one of Scott’s best friends, John. The four of us got together several times, including a full weekend, before Scott admitted to their past. That’s a sore spot with me. I’m not even sure that John knows to this day.

John’s father was terminally ill when we drafted our guest list. I was persuaded that the invitation was strictly a courtesy, and they would never consider attending because of John’s father. Sadly, he passed away in December, and their trip was subsequently booked. I don’t fear that Scott will be unfaithful or anything drastic like that. He assures me he feels nothing towards Ann and hasn’t for many years.

What I don’t know is what goes on in Ann’s mind. Maybe she thinks about what it was like when they were together, or maybe she wonders what it would be like if they’d stayed together. Maybe she constantly fantasizes about their intimate moments. Some might say that I shouldn’t put any stock into what Ann thinks about. But the bottom line is that she makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t need that on my wedding day (week), or ever for that matter. Visuals have been created in my mind, and her presence only invokes them.

I don’t put my past under Scott’s nose, and I feel I deserve the same respect. Even if I get through the week in one piece, it doesn’t end there. Ann is an inevitable part of our future. Even if the four of us discontinue our “friendship”, her ties with Scott’s sister and the rest of the family make interaction with Ann a reality.

I’m a successful, attractive woman, with a kind heart. I have no reason to be jealous or insecure of Ann. Nevertheless, she’s been the cause of conflict in my relationship more than once.

First of all, I’d like to try to understand why I feel this way. And secondly, I need to know how to deal with these feelings and this irritating situation in its’ entirety.

Dear Jealous and Insecure,

First of all, I think you answered your relationship insecurity question when you indicated that you "have no reason to be jealous or insecure" and you "don't know what is going on in Ann's mind".  Your feelings toward Ann are just feelings and you are only making assumptions about her thoughts about Scott. Unless she has given you specific reason to not trust her or Scott, I think it is important to recognize that what you feel is unhealthy for your new marriage. 

It is important to remember that it is normal for partners to date other people before they decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with.  I would think you might feel quite confident, rather than insecure, that your finance' choose you above everyone else he has encountered, including Ann. 

Certainly discuss your insecurity feelings with Scott and see how he feels about informing John so everyone is aware.  Unless you have specific reason to believe she is undermining your relationship, I wouldn't give her or your insecurity any more power or time. 

It doesn't need to be all or nothing which means there is alot of room to function between the two extreme reactions of ragging jealous victim and naive stupid dupe.  You might do well by working with a professional to deal with where and whom these feeling really belong.  Maybe your jealous insecure self is simply a behavior you have witnessed and are modeling.

For sure, you have a right to determine with Scott who you enjoy spending time with.  It sounds like there will be times you can't avoid contact but you do have say how much time and how you spend it in the future.  As far as the wedding day, at this point, it is hard to take back an invitation.

I leave you with my final thought, "Don't borrow maybe troubles, the interest is too high".

Let me know if this helps,

June Safty Odegard

My boyfriend and I are 17 and he wants to get engaged.  We really love each other and I want to know if you think this is too young if we both want to do this.  Can you tell me what age to get married or how old you need to be to get married?  Some people say 21 some say 18,  I am confused ....

Thank you ,
A

Dear A, 

There is no magical age to get married.  There is no certain age that entitles you to the maturity and wisdom you need to succeed at marriage.  Statistically, research on what age to get married shows that over half of marriages end in divorce within 15 years when the bride is a minor and the older the female is at the time of her first marriage, the longer the marriage lasts.   So it is a really good sign that you are thinking about what age to get married in order for the marriage to work. I highly commend you for that. 

Legally you are probably not able to marry yet without parental signatures.  According to the information I located on what age to get married;, you have to be eighteen to be married without parental consent.  If you are from Massachusetts you would only need a court order, not parental consent before age 18. If you are a Nebraskan the age to get married without parental consent is 19. Mississippi residency would require you to be 21 to get married.  There are some states that waive the legal age to get married if pregnancy or children are involved.

While there is no golden threshold of maturity that assures marriage stability,  the following may be worth your consideration.

You have to be old enough to:

• know that love is not enough. 
• evaluate your essential relationship requirements and assess if your partner satisfies them.  It is rare at age seventeen to have enough life experience to really know what you really want and need for your future.
• be totally emotionally, physically and financially independent from your parents.  Healthy marriages require two independent individuals to make a complete whole.

You don't mention how long you have been together.  All relationships need time to see if behavior patterns are consistently healthy.   My blog, How Long to Date Before Marriage, may be helpful reading.

I would encourage you to wait.  Seventeen is young. I was married at nineteen.  Even though that was quite common thirty years ago, I can tell you now that we were too young to be married at that age. 

I would advise you to wait to discuss marriage until you are at least 21.  In the mean time date and really get to know each other.  Enjoy this very special time of your life that has fewer adult responsibilities. 

But more importantly, get to know yourself.  Figure out what you want for your life.  Figure out what you want to contribute to the world and how.  Then start living your life purpose.  Only then will you be ready to discuss if you and your partner have compatible life visions and the commitment to make marriage happen.

I wish you the very best.  You will go a long way by continuing to seek answers about what makes marriage work successfully.

June Safty Odegard
Contact me to set up your initial phone coaching, session today.

Find out more about what women really want:

• Do women really want cuddling or intercourse?
• Is the man women have ended up with, the best sex they have had?
• What is more important for women, friendship or sex?
• Do women settle or are they with the man of their dreams?
• What percentage of women are happy in their relationship or marriage?

According to the survey, what type of physical interaction do women really want, cuddling or intercourse? The survey indicated that 47% wanted cuddling; whereas only 25% wanted intercourse, not indicating what the other 28% reported.

One interviewee probably said it best, "They are not separate."  In other words, cuddling and intercourse are both good but not as effective in isolation. 

What about this one? Is the man that women have ended up with, the best sex they have had? According to the survey, 68% of the women reported yes. 

What is more important to women, friendship or sex?

• Friendship 56%
• Sex  1%
• Equally 42%

Here is the million dollar question.  Do women settle or do they believe they have found the man of their dreams?

• Yes  67%
• No  19%
• Not sure 14%

What percentage of women are happy in their marriage or relationship?  Surprisingly 91% said they were happy which contradicts most statistics that indicates that less than half of marriages report satisfaction.  Not sure if the high statistics are influenced by those in relationships and not married.

What do you think?  Do women (or men) settle or is it possible to find the lover of your dreams? Are you happy in your marriage or relationship? 

Take my brief survery and see what others are saying.

What Do Women and Men Really Want!!

If you would like help with your relationship to decide if you should get married or are settling, contact me today to set up your phone coaching sessions. Find out more how relationship coaching can help you find out what women (or men) really want.

I tell her constantly how special she is and that what she thinks and feels means the world to me. When we have any disagreements, her initial reaction is to blame herself and say I deserve better.

I am always saying there is no right or wrong and being right means nothing to me, I just want for us to discuss things as partners. Any other tips? She acknowledges this and is trying and making progress.

Thank you so much.

H.

H.

Past abusive relationships are certainly difficult to know how to handle. First of all I must commend you for being so understanding. You are handling the situation very well. Keep at it.

It takes at least five positive interactions to undo one negative. So even though it was not you that created her doubts in herself, she needs people to help confirm that she is worth while and worthy of her opinion.

Continue to not let her get away with blaming herself. Also continue to allow her to experience that disagreements are okay and how healthy disagreements happen. Some communication counseling or coaching could help.

Another idea would be to work through Dr. Phil's book, Self Matters which helps address past critical incidents and how they falsely shape our thinking. Her self worth may have been confused long before the past abusive relationship as people that don't respect themselves are easier prey for abusive people.

Hope that helps,

June

Even though it is pretty uncommon for people to actually pursue this tradition today, I thought it would be a great Christmas gift for your lover, finance or spouse.  I am not thinking of a partridge in a pear tree.  I am thinking of giving your partner something everyday that they would most appreciate and show them how much you love and value them. 

Do you know that when I have couples do the “What do you need to feel valued and loved this week?” exercise, they never ask for things.  They ask for non-monetary gifts such as respect, affection, or time and you can too. 

What if you created a special gift this Christmas for your partner giving them what they want most?  Here’s an example of some things you might consider:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight favorite love songs, seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine hidden sticky notes, eight favorite love songs, seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ten minutes of sharing, nine hidden sticky notes, eight favorite love songs, seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me an eleven minute back rub, ten minutes of sharing, nine hidden sticky notes, eight favorite love songs, seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve long-stem roses, an eleven minute back rub, ten minutes of sharing, nine hidden sticky notes, eight favorite love songs, seven compliments, six chocolate truffles, five great big hugs, four tender kisses, three Hallmark emails, two chore coupons and a dance to “our” favorite song.

All total you would give to your partner:

12 dances to “your” favorite” song (1 for 12 days)
22 chore coupons (2 for 11 days)  Make each coupon worth 15 minutes so it doesn't get overwhelming which would be 5 1/2  hours.
30 Hallmark emails (3 for 10 days)
36 tender kisses (4 for 9 days)
40 great big hugs (5 for 8 days)
42 chocolate truffles (6 for 7 days)
42 compliments (7 for 6 days)
40 favorite love songs (8 for 5 days)  You could easily burn 5 CDs of 8 songs each.
36 hidden sticky notes (9 for 4 days)
30 minutes of sharing (10 minutes for 3 days)
22 minutes of back-rub (11 minutes for 2 days)
12 long stem roses

Think of what your partner would want most.  Or sit down and write one together giving each other what you want most as a couple.  Be creative. I was inspired by an article by Sheri and Bog Stirtof.

P.S.  Be sure to return the initial verification email RESPONSE REQUIRED: Confirm your request for information.  This will simply let my Subscriber Service know it is okay to send you emails.  All you have to do is click the link.  Thanks