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The Power of Acknowledgement

2013-07-29T00:53:00.001-07:00

A while back I wrote about suffering alone and how it makes everything worse because it means you’re on your own, and no one should go through mental health illnesses alone. I shared my experience with this, and how it made things worse, until I was able to pull myself through it which just made things worse later on. You can read more about it here.

I’m bringing this up because my mom finally realized just how bad it was for me. She was telling me how our neighbor’s daughter-in-law was becoming like me and wanting to die. I asked if she has kids, my mom said two and the thirds on the way. I asked if it started after one of the births, and after some thought she said you’re right it started after the second baby. I asked if it became worse with the new baby on the way and she said yes. I kept asking more about symptoms and it became very clear that she’s suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Postpartum depression, or a combination of both. I told my mom this and told her to tell them she needs psychological help and needs to talk to someone otherwise it will most likely get worse without help. In the end she understood it’s a disease and not something she can control (though her husband apparently wanted to get her an exorcist?!).

Then she asked me if I was going through the same thing back when I lived here a few years ago, and I obviously said duh and she asked why I never told her. I reminded her that I told her and my dad multiple times that I want/will kill myself. In then end she apologized telling me they didn’t know better at the time, and that they should’ve gotten me help. The acknowledgement, though a few years too late, still made me feel so much better. Not only because I was right as always and they were wrong, but because it was almost like a promise that if I or one of my sisters ever need help again they might help this time. I doubt that they will, but it still feels nice to have the illusion that someone is there for you.

21

2013-07-28T19:24:00.002-07:00

I officially turned 21 today! I know I can drink legally now, of course if that's all there's to look forward to this year then God help me, because I don't drink. I never understood why 21 is such a milestone, I suppose you can drink, but if you don't drink you're just a year older. A year older is not necessary a good thing, but suppose none of my birthdays' are. I am technically three since I should've died three years ago but that never happened so I'm 21. It was an enjoyable birthday, just enough people remembered it. I activated my fb account today because I'll be needing it for work and having people that don't really care say happy birthday is always great.

In other news I've hit 50K in my new novel. i'm actually really proud of this one. I should be done before next week, which means it's taken less than a month to complete. Of course this is just a shitty first draft, so i'm not getting too excited.
In other news new more people are dying everywhere, literally. What is happening to the world?

The World we live in Today!

2013-07-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you heard anything about the things going on in Egypt, it’s not getting much coverage but a lot is going on. Just last night another 100 supporters of Mursi, the overthrown president or Egypt, were killed just after dawn. The government continues to claim that they did not fire any weapons, just tear gas, but in every report I’ve read they said that they’re reporters said there were gun wounds to the head and chest. It got me thinking, what kind of world are we living in nowadays? A world where a hundred people can die for protesting, and pretty much no one hears about it, and the people responsible deny doing it. I wonder how bad the people going through it must feel, they’re dying, but no one hears about it and the ones that do are told it’s a lie. It’s a very disturbing thought. Imagine if no one believed the holocaust actually happened. What if everyone thought it was a lie? See it’s not a pleasant thought, even if you weren’t in the holocaust or knew anyone in it.

It’s the same in Syria, thousands have died already, and no one does anything about it. Everyone cares about themselves, and if helping doesn’t help them they won’t do it.

I recently read an interview for the guy who wrote man of steel and he said writing a sequel will be difficult because superman is a superhero for the world and not just a specific area. So he asked, what would superman do with everything going on in the world, with Syria, and Egypt, and the Palestine/Israel situation? I wonder if he’d do anything. After all there are lots of people out there who can do something, but they usually don’t.

RIP

2013-07-14T18:49:00.003-07:00

Like many Americans’ I am saddened by the news of George Zimmerman’s acquittal over the murder of Trayvon martin. It was truly a sad day, and it remains a sad day as everyone comes to the same conclusion that many of us have known for years, there is no equality, not just in America but in the world.

Photo courtesy of
AFP/Scott Olson

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like in the time of the civil war, or before that right when slavery started, or even in the time of Martin Luther king Jr. I wonder if the white people I know would be the same people enslaving people, or would they stand against their own. Saying their own in itself is a problem, we’re all people regardless of color. Regardless, I’m curious.

Then I remember Rodney King was less than twenty years ago, and now with Trayvon we’re back in the same place. Perhaps it’s not as bad, and someone might be angered by my comparison, but any kind of racial injustice, no matter how small, is still too much.

I remember all the other things people are fighting for, like gay marriage, or any kind of equality and I’m reminded that those people are still out there. They’re not necessarily bad, but there are hundreds of millions of people that will do things just because that’s how it’s always been done. They don’t question it, and the injustice continues.

I’m sure there are a lot of people like me who simply don’t understand why we’re fighting over these silly matters that are really none of our busy. Trayvon shouldn’t have died to show us a problem we have, and people shouldn’t fight for the right to be married, we shouldn’t have these issues to begin with.

RIP Trayvon and everyone who’s lost their lives over the past few hundred years fighting for their freedom.

Expectations

2013-07-08T18:17:00.002-07:00

I’m in Jordan. I don’t know how to make it any more dramatic than that. I have been for the past five days. And I’m clearly still alive. In fact it’s a lot better than I expected it to be. One breakdown in five days, that’s a real accomplishment. Someone should give me a medal. It’s really not too bad. My parents agreed to let me go to Switzerland, well my mom said yes, but dad said no, and since my dad has the money it was a no. But then I offered to get a fifth job and he relented and said fine, and not to get a fifth job since im already working 40 hours on a normal week during school. I’m excited, sort of. I imagined I’d be, but I’m not really, and I don’t really know why, ‘

Lesson learned: Sometimes things work out, but are overshadowed by you thinking they’re not going to work, s when they do we’re still held up on them not working out. Our expectations are raised too high and the real thing can no longer compete. In other words lower your expectations.

Lesson#2: Breaks are good, even if they’re in Jordan!

Now I’m not saying Switzerland won’t be awesome. /I just don’t think I deserve it, and it seems like a very long way off. It’s the first thing I’ve wanted for myself in years, and even though it’ great I get this one thing, it’s still depressing thinking that over the past 10 or so years I haven’t wanted a thing.

Change

2013-06-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

cxjourney.blogspot.com -

I was reading one of my previous posts on here and wow, it’s depressing. The whole blog kind of is. It matches my mood since I started the blog almost a year ago. But still, I don’t want to be ranting about how depressing my life is all the time. Now I’m ranting about how depressing the blog about my depressing life is. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

I’m going to try something new with every post I write about my life, no matter how depressing the post is, or how bad I’m feeling at the time I’ll link it to a life lesson or some other meaningful thing. For example if I’m having a shitty day at work I can write more about the effect of mental health issues in the workplace, or if I see my therapist and I want to write about how screwed up I am because I see a shrink I’ll go into some detail about what worked for me and what didn’t during our session.

I’m hoping that if someone reads the post and is depressed but isn’t getting the help they need they’ll be able to read it and possibly learn from my experiences.

I probably should’ve been doing this all along, but it’s never too late for change, and I love change!

Caring for the Dead

2013-05-22T06:16:00.003-07:00

I haven’t blogged in a while, I guess that’s because things have been crazy. That’s right, crazy, and I’m not kidding. There’s a song by Matchbox 20 called Unwell. It describes the way I feel better than I ever could, except for one major difference, I’m not only unwell I’m actually going crazy.

I’m at work, staring at a computer screen for hours every day, and most days I don’t do any work, that’s how dysfunctional I’ve become. There’s something about emotions that make us dysfunctional, yet despite all that I don’t want to turn off my emotions. Why? No one knows, least of all me, but I think it has to do with the fact that I’m sick and tired of living an emotionless life, in other words not living at all, when I could be dead. It’s not that death is appealing, no, not even close, and knowing me I’ll probably end up in hell, which for some reason doesn’t sound too bad at this point. It’s just that life isn’t appealing, I don’t see a point to it, and no matter what you your life will not have a meaning, and if it does then it’s an irrelevant meaning because let’s face it no one cares, and nothing really matters, so why are we all alive?

Good question, yet even with nothing holding me back, nothing at all I’ve gotten rid of what prevented me the last two times I wanted to kill myself, I still don’t really want to take the leap(literally) and end my life. All I know is that I’m very depressed, and I can’t wait to become suicidal. It’s pretty much all I look forward to in life nowadays because I know I can actually end it this time. Besides the happiness you feel at that moment is the only happiness I’ve ever experienced and I miss it.

I have a list of people I should be talking to about this, but I’ve crossed all of them out. They either don’t care, don’t have time, will break apart if I told them, will not care again because that’s the most popular one, or I just don’t want to talk to them right now.

I don’t like this whole not being able to function thing, but the good news is July 2^nd it might be over, or maybe I’ll extend it till the 28^th. Endings and beginnings should always be on the same day.

I wish I could leave without causing all the heartbreak I will, my family will fall apart, and everyone at school will to. It’s kind of sad, all those people will care after I’m dead yet no one cares when you’re alive.

A Broken Boston

2013-04-19T13:19:00.002-07:00

Highway on Fire

On my way back home yesterday a portion of the 495 was on fire. The middle of the highway was literally on fire. Cars moved by slowly, smoke rushed into every single car and we drove away, as if nothing was wrong.

That’s the state Massachusetts is in right now.

I remember thinking what is happening to Massachusetts. This morning I woke up at 6 AM, all the radio stations could talk about was the death of one of the bombers and the escape of his brothers (don’t ask me how someone can escape once you found them). Bombs were apparently going off in certain places, the cops were triggering bombs to make sure the area was secure, it was crazy. Yet we all drove to work, to school to wherever, as if nothing was happening. It wasn’t until a few moments ago until I discovered why.

It’s something I’ve done my entire life.

We’re dissociating ourselves from this situation, like I did throughout my life. It’s not something you think about, but rather something that happens on its own without the person realizing its happening. You look into your life from the third person, as if you’re not you, and you move on with your life. I can’t be 100% sure, I’m no psychologist, but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening. I wonder if every war is like that, or every attack.

Blocked memories returning

Someday those memories will come back; I pray for everyone’s sakes that it’s sooner rather than later. I’ve blocked everything out for years, dissociated myself for 20 years, and look at me now. When everything came back all at once it literally broke me. I hope it doesn’t break Boston like my life has broken me.

Getting There

2013-04-19T11:24:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of v1.brucedale.com

In a post I posted about a month ago I explained how to get your life back together. Well, I lied, because like is really not that easy. At that moment I thought it was, I was feeling better after my wonderful nervous breakdown and things seemingly were getting back together. Boy was I wrong! It took me 36 days to start sleeping on my bed again, the thought of it terrified me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sleep there. In fact I was terrified of half of my room, and would rarely cross over to the other side.

Why? You might ask.

Well it’s complicated, it’s a mixture of bad memories and dreams, very terrible memories and dreams that trigger those memories and I was left petrified. It took me about two weeks after that post to finally realize what was wrong. My barriers, my wonderful glass barriers shattered and everything I’ve held back/blocked out came rushing back in.

It’s funny because before I realized what had happened I just thought I was going insane. I went from being absolutely fine to suicidal in less than a day. I skipped depression, which was very strange. I’m used to entering depression, chilling there for a while, and then something big happens and I become a little bit depressed, give up on the world and then actually want to kill myself. I skipped everything and nearly killed myself that night, who knew razors were so hard to take off.

About two weeks later I got a bit better, by telling myself that I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I was. Surprisingly that helped, and then went and saw my therapist.

Things gradually got better after that. My therapist is worried I’m going to kill myself, and its weird having someone actually worry. I’m worried I won’t survive Jordan, there’s a 75% chance I’ll kill myself in the airport, 20% I’ll kill myself sometime there, and 5% I’ll be fine. My therapist is also worried about this.

So moral of the story, don’t ever underestimate mental health, and no one actually knows anything about mental health. For gods sake I’ve been either depressed or suicidal for over a third of my life and I still barely understand it.

Let’s face it, we’re kind of screwed if we try dealing with this on our own. Get help, get a therapist, trust me they’re actually good people.

Crumbling

2013-03-14T10:46:00.001-07:00

Image courtesy of zazzle.com

I’ve been in a really sour mood these past couple of days, and with good reason. Not only am I dealing with something as traumatic as it gets, I’m doing it alone, as I try to survive my everyday life. It’s really bad, to the point where I can’t even sleep on my own bed anymore, or sleep at all really. I even texted a friend telling her I’m not fine, which if you knew me you’d know I’d never admit that.

But just because things are crap, again with good reason, doesn’t mean I should shut down like I did yesterday and zone out of life. Fortunately the text didn’t get sent, because although my phone hates me it also loves me from time to time.

We will always have bad days, there will always be days when your world comes crumbling down. The trick isn’t to stop it from falling apart, hell I wish that was possible but it will always crumble. The trick is to get up from under the rubble; you might have bruises, scars, even broken bones, you may be changed forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You need to accept that your world crumbled, analyze why, and learn how to stop it from crumbling for the same reasons again. I know I’m making it sound simple, and you’re probably shaking your head reading this. And you’re right, it’s not easy, I’ve dealt with depression, being suicidal, almost going insane, and if I told you any of it, even before it became so bad I couldn’t deal with it anymore, then I’d be lying.

So how do you get back up? The first thing you need to do, well you need to NOT BLOCK it out. I’m guilty of doing the exact opposite of that for years. I blocked everything out, and I mean everything and that might feel great for a while, kind of like going and getting drunk and forgetting everything for a while. All that does is leave you hung-over in the morning and realizing that you’ve wasted an entire night ignoring a problem that couldn’t be ignored. IT’s the same way when your brain blocks things out for you, the only difference is, when you finally realize that you’ve been ignoring something you should’ve dealt with a long time ago you won’t remember what you need to from it. Because our brains don’t always give us back what they take, and then you’re stuck with the after effect of the issue, without actually knowing everything about the issue, which will leave you confused and worse off than you were when this whole thing started.

The second thing is to either get a foundation or have it help you get up. Like every good building you need a foundation, so the same people or resources that were keeping your world in place are the ones that can help you raise it back up. Of course these people will change, and after falling you might realize that one of the corners was weaker than the others, and instead of carrying you up that person, or that thing, was actually pushing you down.

Everyone says you should forgive but never forget, I say some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. That’s step three. If forgiveness works for you then by all means do it, but if you’re like me and forgiving people does nothing for you then don’t. The truth is you don’t have to, they did something wrong, they need to earn that forgiveness, and if they don’t even try then they don’t deserve it. But they also don’t deserve you to waste time on them, to be in your life, or even worse you loving them. This is why you can’t forget, because if you do then you’re back in the same situation and even with a stronger foundation you’re world will crumble back down.

Last but not least let it go. And I don’t mean forgive them and move on, I actually mean let them go. I’m talking about problems (which are sometimes people). Acknowledge the problem happened, analyze why, see if you can fix it, if you can then fix it and move on, and if you can’t then you deserve better than wasting your time on a problem that can’t be fixed. For those problems get help, and if that help isn’t good enough then you can walk away, never forgetting but always having it there so you don’t fall into that trap again and move on with your life to the point where that problem becomes so small it’s not worth thinking of anymore.

THE APOLOGY

2013-03-11T19:45:00.002-07:00

I'm not really into the whole blogging thing anymore, especially since no one reads this stuff, but I can't help myself. I just got an apology from someone. Now I know that's not a big deal, people apologize all the time, and mostly never mean it. But this was THE APOLOGY. Ok that doesn't mean anything without an explanation. So I am the way I am because one of my best friends, they made me who I am, although not purposely and they're nothing like me. But they made me as hard as I am, as emotionless, and they're great because they made me this person. Regardless of that they put me through a lot of shit, and obviously I wasn't who I am now so it affected me. Over the years, well three to be exact I let that person go. We're still in contact, but we're not friends, at least not from my end, and well today that person came and apologized. Of course I'm beyond the point of caring, but it was still strange, and kind of nice to have people admit that everything you've ever said was right. If only that has helped me in life, now just waiting on a few more people to apologize sincerely.

Happiness

2013-02-16T22:19:00.001-08:00

I was recently told by my therapist that things are going to get worse, a lot worse. He doesn't usually make predictions, but this time at the end of our meeting he gave me a brochure for the suicide prevention hotline. This was the first time he'd mentioned it, despite the fact that I've been seeing him for over a year now, and even when I talked about my depression or the suicide days as I like to call them, he never mentioned it.

A normal person would be scared, terrified even, how bad does he expect it to get? But I wasn't scared, no I smiles, I might've even laughed, because it was ridiculous. I've gone through hell, I've been homeless, starved, went through four years of depression, two of being suicidal, and I'm haunted by my past, yet the worst is yet to come?!

I laughed because... well because it's true as ridiculous as it sounds. My brain protected me from everything bad, maybe not in the best of ways, but blocking things out is what kept me alive. Yet my brain, because of all that, doesn't know how to react to good things. Yes, that's my problem, things are going good, and things have been so bad that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. So getting close to happiness might be the thing that kills me after all. It's actually really funny because that means there is no hope, for anyone. The thing is though it's going to get so bad, worse than before, but if I get through it, and allow myself to be happy everything will be fine. I won't be screwed up, well I'll always be screwed up, but I'll be happy. The word is so foreign to my tongue that I almost don't know it's meaning.

The problem is do I want to let go of ME, of all the things that hurt me, or all my misery and guilt, of all my pain? But then I wouldn't be me, I'd be like everyone else, trusting, and stuff. I don't think I want that, but then I'll have no excuse, because then I'd have chosen misery over happiness.

An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit

2012-12-14T19:33:00.004-08:00

I commented about the Hobbit being split into three films a few months ago, and like everyone else, I was skeptical. But I was wrong, the Hobbit was spectacular. I saw it last night at a sold out midnight showing, and by the end everyone was clapping. Even though the movie was almost three hours long, and there were officers everywhere, the movie was all anyone can look at.

The Hobbit was phenomenal. Not a lot of people, if any, can pull off what Peter Jackson pulls off in this movie.

I'm a fan of the book, sort of, I liked the story, but I felt like all the awesome parts were not included in the book because the main character wasn't in them. In this movie, and I'm guessing in the next two as well, everything is included. The fall of the dwarves, the Necromancer, everything is included and that blew me away.

The 48 FPS(frames per second) instead of the normal 24 FPS was a little bit hard to get used to, but even when it bothered me I was grateful for it. The image were clearer and sharper, and made the experience even more remarkable than it'd have been on the normal 24FPS.
I wont give too much away, all I can say is that the movie was all I thought it would be, and at times a lot more than anything I could've expected.

Egypt

2012-12-11T23:24:00.002-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if this world will ever be at peace, with humans living on it. I know it doesn't seem plausible, but one can surely hope. I probably don't have the right to judge anyone, but people in the middle east make it so easy sometimes.

There have been protests for a few weeks in Egypt, and honestly I'm really tired of people protesting, each idiot thinking they're right, and wanting things to go their way. I'm not going to say I told everyone this will happen, although I did, but it needs to stop. Of course I don't really expect it to, I don't expect anything from Arabs anymore, but I think everyone is tired of it. But it is expected, because in the end if you find out that YOU can overthrow a government, why the hell wouldn't you overthrow every government, after all it's only human nature.

There will always be something wrong with the government, that's why they're called the government. It doesn't mean you have to go on the freaking streets and start killing people, what is wrong with you? Shame on you all!

I'm Done!

2012-11-25T02:26:00.001-08:00

I'm Done!! Finally!!

Okay I know I said I finished my novel this past summer on July 11th to be exact, and I did, but that was a bullshit ending, and there was still some editing that needs to be done, but today as of 5:17 AM this wonderful Sunday morning I am officially and completely finished. I fixed up my ending, and the story, and the best thing of all is that I got it to less than 100k words, granted it's only shorted by 13 words, but still...
Of course there will be more editing to be done, when I find some Beta-readers, the two people I told can read it kind of stopped, I don't know if they thought it was that bad or if they were actually busy, but I don't care, because even if it sucks I like it. For the first time since I started writing which was exactly seven years ago, I'm proud of one of my novels. This is a book I'd want to read, and if no one else wants to then that's their loss. All I've ever wanted was to create a novel I can reread, because I've never reread a book, because I get too bored, but this is the first one of my books that I reread without changing it completely.

Of course these past couple of weeks sucked, I discovered I'm depressed again, practically failing all my classes, and everything sucks, but I'm done writing my first book, so fuck you world!

Oh, and happy thanksgiving!

Memories

2012-11-17T14:12:00.004-08:00

I was reading a couple of my earlier posts earlier today, and I can't believe that I wrote this stuff. Not that it's wonderful, but it's so different than how I feel at the moment. I remember feeling the way I did as I wrote the posts, but at the same time I barely remember that person now.

Something I realized while I was depressed is the fact that I'd do things, I just wouldn't really remember them. Everything would blur together, and days felt like years, and years were a single memory.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this anymore. I refuse to be depressed, yet I'm tired, and all the symptoms are showing up again. I'm being ripped away from my life, and I don't know what to do.

Better days

2012-11-11T21:56:00.000-08:00

There's something about life and relationships that terrifies me. I don't know what it is, but I need to admit to myself first and foremost that I'm terrified. It might be the fact that I've always wanted to stand out, to matter, I suppose, and if I were like everyone else I'd be irrelevant. Which is really funny because I've wanted to be irrelevant for so long, because I didn't want my family to be hurt when I finally died, or killed myself. I don't why but I feel like crap today.

Everyone says you don't know what you have until it's gone. But no one ever says you don't know how bad you have it until you see something better. This past weekend I went to a conference, and I literally had the time of my life. It was amazing, concerts and comedy shows pretty much all day, it was amazing. It made me realize that this place isn't as perfect as I think it is.

I'll be up all night doing homework, and drowning myself in my sorrows, and then I'll wake up and it'll be a better day, or maybe in a week it'll be a better week... or someday it will be. All I know is that dying isn't the best thing for me anymore, I mean why rush to hell right?

Sandy

2012-10-29T18:53:00.003-07:00

So I have an enormous headache- and we're being run over by a hurricane. Yet I don't really know what's worse. Honestly, before coming here I thought being in a hurricane is a lot more serious than we'er being right now. Maybe it's because we're only on the sidelines, but honestly all anyone cares about here is whether we have school tomorrow or not. We actually got today off, thank god, because I don't think we could have made it to class. I went out at 12 and things weren't too bad, but after my meeting ended, around 1:00 PM, things were getting serious. My hat nearly blew away, and I came pretty close to blowing away myself at times, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

I'm stuck in my building until this whole thing is over, and really all I want is for my head to stop pounding.

Friends

2012-10-25T23:46:00.001-07:00

I should be asleep, but instead I'm writing this, which is kind of pissing me off. I think I'm addicted to blocking, it's kind of like therapy for me. I need to get things off my chest, and this is the only way I know how.
I was thinking about the day I turned my life around. I didn't wake up and say that I'm turning my life around, coming out of depression and I don't want to kill myself anymore. It was a bit more dramatic though. It was right after my senior year(Sort of), and I went with a friend to visit the university we were both supposed to go to. I thought it was a bad idea for him to come to the US right away, and convinced him to transfer from a Jordanian University instead.

I of course had given up on life completely by then, but agreed to go to the same university for two years. Again I thought I'd be long dead by then. We had an entire plan in place, I'd join him when I officially graduated a few months later since I still needed to finish Biology and Physics I'd get a sports scholarship or something, and a couple of years later we'd both transfer. Again I wasn't supposed to be alive when all this happened, I figured he'd do it after I died to honor our plans.

However on that day, everything changed. For some reason they didn't have the athletic Scholarship, or it didn't count for engineering majors, which what I wanted. Or I think I just convinced myself I wanted engineering because it made the most money, but at the same time I was going to be dead before I graduated.

The news didn't affect me much, but after a silent two hour ride back to the capital, he finally spoke up. He said everything on his mind, and it was everything I blamed for my terrible life. Back then he was my only friend, or the only person I considered a friend. He was the person I talked to back then to get things off my chest, because he was going through almost the same things. But that day in that crappy bus station he said it was all my fault that I didn't get that good grades, that I wasn't published, everything. I don't even remember what he said, I just remember the overwhelming feeling that kind of took over. When you tell a suicidal person that all their reasons for being suicidal are their faults, it usually doesn't end well.

Yet somehow for me it did. Before that I was supposed to die, but after that there was this slight, and by slight I mean a one in a million chance, that I won't die. That I'll like till I'm like 25, and I have to go to college. So that night I started researching every university I can look up online, in every possible country. I researched SAT's, TOEFL, Visas, everything I need to leave that place. Because that one in a million chance was worth leaving for.

After that I told myself that I want the best life possible, until I can finally die.

People don't understand why I hate Jordan, and they think I'm one of those people that will want to kill themselves for nothing, but in the few months after that day I'd live with a person I hate, seclude myself from the world and speak to no one for months, freeze my ass off because I couldn't afford heating, be homeless at one point, starve because I had no money to buy food. There were moments where I'd pray that I could find 25 cents so I can buy a bag of chips or something. I'd pray that my uncle would invite me for dinner because I'd stay days without food.

But then it was over. All that work paid off, and a better life was on the horizon.

I don't know if I ever forgave my friend for what he did, but at the same time I'm grateful because he forced me to turn my life around. He'd go on to make my life a living hell in the months after that, literally to the point where instead of searching for colleges I'd search for mental institutes because I wanted to be in one. I gave up on friends because of him, and my thoughts will probably never change. But that's a story for another day.

For now goodnight everyone!

The power of the mind

2012-10-23T20:49:00.002-07:00

They say our brains are the most remarkable parts of our bodies, not only do we think with them, but they hold the key to our sanity. I saw a Facebook post a few days ago saying the same thing, and then it says but which part of the body is telling you this. Though it's true our brains are telling us just how awesome they are, they are awesome in their own right.

Take today for example. I woke up feeling like crap, despite sleeping 10 hours(which is a miracle in the school I go to), I forgot two mandatory meetings, and pretty much forced myself to stay awake in all of my classes. I didn't really understand it, and then I fell asleep at like 6 PM for absolutely no reason. I woke up a couple of hours later, and I realized that I'm being a moron. Yes I had a rough A-term, I had training even before that, and this break was literally hell, but there was no reason for me to be tired, or stressed about anything. Everything is going great, and the fact that my body was acting out by being exhausted is not acceptable. So I got up, and started doing work.

There's probably a reason my brain and body were ganging up against me, telling me I need a break, but I can't really afford one right now.

On another note, my research paper was finally published(which is pretty awesome), and I'm almost done all the paperwork for my Co-op. Here's to a new, better, and hopefully less tiring term, but if that doesn't happen, then I'll deal with it, like I've dealt with everything else, by convincing myself it's fine and getting over it.

Switzerland

2012-10-22T17:53:00.004-07:00

I took a single day off, just one, the second in over 2 months, and guess what the world nearly ended. Everything was falling apart. Every single one of my jobs was on the line, I was becoming a terrible RA, the budget for the conference made me want to shoot myself, and honestly the only thing that was helping was eating ice cream. But then things turned around, and I realized that the world can end for all I care. That despite everything I am a wonderful RA, and if people don't want to hire me than it's their loss.

I also had my interview to go to Switzerland, I think it went great, but we'll see. There are so few spots, and I don't know if they're looking for someone with as much international experience as me. But again we'll see, but for now I'm gonna stay eating Ice Cream, and ignoring the little things that make our worlds fall apart.

OVER

2012-10-20T20:48:00.002-07:00

I am officially done, the conference is over, and I can't move my feet. It was surprisingly a huge hit, I still need to go through the list of attendees and the finances to see if we're not bankrupt, but we did great for our first conference. The other main highlight of my day would be the fact that the person I was worried about, didn't even recognize me. Which makes me feel like crap since he was a huge part of my childhood, and he passed right by me, and didn't even say hi. I don't know if he's mad or something, but I deserve more than that. It's funny how sometimes someone could have a huge effect on you, and then not even remember you.

But for now I am done, and I get a day off, and then back to work, school, reimbursments, and everything else. In other words back to LIFE...

Untitled

2012-10-18T21:52:00.002-07:00

They say that life gets better with the years. I suppose I can attest to that, yet there will always be this numbing feeling telling you otherwise. Why is it that every time things are going great we still don't see them as such? Is it our nature to find faults in everything we do?

Take this week for example. I get offered a job that I never even dreamt of getting, I have an amazing week in all my jobs, and for the first time in years I actually get to watch TV. Yet even so, my insomnia is back, and I have this feeling that everything is not alright. As if I've missed something terrible, and it will come back to haunt me.

The conference is in less than two days, so hopefully it will go well. Then after that I get a day off, where I get to sleep in, and eat microwavable froze lasagna. Now that's a good weekend.

A Wonderful World

2012-10-11T12:19:00.001-07:00

I am finally done! Yet now that I am, I kind of miss it. The future seems a bit bleak for me for the next week or so. I need to work three jobs, and work on the conference for the next week, and I need to finish editing. Yet I'm exhausted, and my eyes are strained from the amount of time I've been looking at computer screens.

Yet my problems seems so small compared to everything going on there. People in Syria are still killing each other, another embassy worker in Yemen was killed by Al-Qaida, and from what I hear Jordan's on the verge of riots erupting as well.

What a wonderful world!

Fall Break

2012-10-09T22:01:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe that this is my 25th post. I would try to make it a special post to mark the occasion but I don't have time. I have six tests this week, well 3 more now. I have 2 labs, and a photo shoot tomorrow( I know right). And in less than 48 hours I will be done, and A term will be over. Then I'll work, and more work, adding the finishing touches to the conference, and I need to finish editing my first book. What a wonderful break!

Yet despite all that I'm doing great. I'm thinking of joining a fraternity, waiting for my application to go abroad to go through, and to hear back from the company I interviewed with. Things can either get really good from here, or really bad.