I'm better than you

Snow blow me

2011-02-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

I live in the northeast of the United States (where all the best people live), and we have been through what some pussies have been calling a "rough winter". What I've noticed more than anything else is no one knows how to fucking drive in the snow. This hasn't been a major problem for me because, like a real man, when it snows I do everything by sled team.

Fuck! I said no pickles!

So you shitty drivers don't take out my mailbox or hit my dogs as you skid through the ice I'm going to teach you how to drive in snow.

Driving in snow:

What you'll need:

A car
Snow
Common sense
The ability to make a dollar while other's are still making 75 cents (see above)

Tip 1: Your SUV isn't as good as you think it is.

Please pay attention to this part. The SUV's made for soccer moms now a days are NOT made for offroading as their name would suggest. They are top heavy pieces of shit that most of the time aren't even equipped with four wheel drive. Unless you know for a fact that you can go rock crawling in your rig don't act like you can or you'll wind up like this jackass when there's been snow:

Asshole almost took out the damn liquor store.

Tip 2: Lower tire pressure and drive in lower gear.

Keep in mind you don't need to do this for a light dusting or just after the road's been plowed. Lowering the tire pressure will put more rubber on the road and provide more traction when you drive. Lowering the gear gives more torque so you don't just spin your tires. If you drive automatic and don't realize it you do in fact have lower gears. They will be below drive and will say either I and L or 2 and 1, etc.

Right here jackasses

If it's available snow tires are always a better option.

Tip 3: Don't panic when you skid.

You are driving on snow and ice, you will skid, fucking deal with it and don't panic. Do NOT brake! When you brake your tires will lock and you will completely lose control. Turn into the skid and keep those tires moving and eventually something will catch and you will regain traction.

Tip 4: Don't pass the snow plow.

Somehow it always happens. Some jackass doesn't feel like waiting behind the plow because it's moving to slow and because they're in an SUV they figure "Well I got this". Every time they are wrong. The plow is there to get rid of the snow that's making you crash so let them fucking do it.

Well that's it. The best tip I can give you if you can't handle driving in the snow is DON'T FUCKING DO IT. Instead of crashing and getting in people who can handle it's way just sit your ass at home and do what I do when it snows, get drunk by a fire.

Spare Me

2010-10-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

If it were up to me licenses would be issued based not only on driving ability (which is not strict enough already), but also on your ability to handle stupid shit that goes wrong with your car while driving. In my world tow trucks are only applicable for the most extreme circumstances (ie the engine falls out). Out of gas? Should have paid attention, walk your dumb ass to the next gas station. Flat tire? Learn to change it or no license for you.

Why can't people change flat tires? Do you really need to wait all day for a tow truck and spend a couple hundred dollars for something you can fix in a couple minutes? If you're like me you don't buy into that bullshit, you get your ass out of the car and you put on the spare. Like this:

Changing a flat tire:

What you'll need:

Spare Tire
Tire Iron
Jack
Balls

Step 1:  Pull the goddamn car over!

So you're driving, you hear a loud-ass pop, your car starts pulling really hard to one direction and shaking up and down. Pull over jackass! You'd be amazed by how far people will drive on their rims, fucking up their car further. Slow down, pull over and fix your damn tire.

Step 2:  Apply the parking brake

This should probably go without saying, but whenever you plan to elevate part of your car you should put on the damn parking brake. If the thing rolls and falls over on you I don't feel bad for your newly crippled ass because you deserved it for being dumb (Darwin agrees with me).

Step 3:  Loosen the lug nuts

This is just to make it less of a pain in the ass later. Loosen the lug nuts on the tire you're working on while it's still on the ground. That way the tire won't turn from the torque required to start the lug nuts going. I wish I could say this funnier somehow, but it just makes it easier trust me.

Step 4:  Jack the car up

Look through your car until you find the tire iron, jack and spare tire. Most people will find this in the trunk. Let me know when you have it...

Got it?

OK good. Most new small cars will come with a scissor jack like this:

Jack

If not larger/older car may have a hydraulic jack that looks likes this:

Hydraulic Jack

Whichever kind of jack you have, line it up on the frame next to the tire you're replacing. Many new cars will even have diagrams and sometimes markings on the frame to know exactly where to put the jack. Don't fuck this up! If you put the jack in the wrong place on the car you'll break some other shit on your car. Put it on the frame only. Make sure the jack is sitting on flat ground and put the spare under the bumper on the car near the tire you're replacing. Flat ground will keep the jack from tipping over and dropping the car. The spare tire will make it so if the car falls it doesn't hit the ground so you can jack it back up. If you have a scissor jack turn the screw until the car is lifted so the tire comes off the ground. If you have a hydraulic jack set it to lift and pump until the tire comes off the ground.

Step 5: Replace the tire

Take the lug nuts off the old tire and place them in the hub cap. Don't pull a Peter Billingsley and lose them:

Oh Fuck indeed Ralphie

Take the tire off and switch it with the spare (again so the car doesn't fall on the ground). Place the spare on the posts and hand tighten the lug nuts. Take the tire iron and tighten the lug nuts in a star pattern:

Following this star pattern ensures that the lug nuts all have even torque. Unless you want your tire flying off while you're driving, I'd make sure these fuckers are tight.

Step 6: Finish up

Lower the car down carefully. I like to go around the lug nuts again one more time in the same star pattern to make absolutely sure they're tight. Put everything away and go get your tire fixed. Don't drive on the spare forever! These things aren't meant to be used long time, otherwise they won't be spare tires, they'd just be tires. Most are only meant to be driven for about 150 miles, just long enough for you to get your real tire repaired. Go buy a new tire and try not to blow that one.

Congratulations, you're one step closer to getting your license in Tom's perfect world. Now you just need to learn how to merge asshole!

Shocking

2010-10-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling to try to figure out what causes so much fear of electricity. People afraid to plug things in and unplug them, change a light bulb, let their children around outlets and exposed wires, etc. All this in fear of a little shock, pathetic. I've gotten shocked plenty of times and I've sUffERed no ILL efFecTs. All you need to avoid a shock is to know what you're doing. Since you're a man, you know what you're doing so you'll be fine.

So let's go ahead and get some of you knowing what you're doing by starting out with a simple electrical project, installing an outlet.

Outlet Installation

What you'll need:

Outlet
Outlet cover
Razor blade
Wire stripper
Phillips screwdriver
Flat head screwdriver
Capability to grow facial hair

Step 1: Shut off the breaker

While it is possible to complete this installation with the power on without receiving a shock, I'm going to assume you suck too much to pull this off, so let's just shut off the power to the circuit at the breaker. The breakers are located in the big grey circuit breaker box somewhere in your place. It should look like this:

Go find it, I'll wait

Once you've found the circuit breaker shut down the breaker that corresponds to the circuit you're on. If your breaker box is correctly labeled this should be easy, but I'm going to assume your place sucks and you'll need to test breakers. First make sure you shut down anything that can't take a sudden loss of power (computers, life support systems, etc.). Next I'll assume you don't have any sort of voltmeter so here's a trick I like to use to find the right breaker without running back and forth: plug a radio into the same circuit as the plug you're working on and turn it up so you can hear it from where the breaker box is. Now flip the breakers one by one, and when the radio shuts off you know you've found the right breaker.

Step 2: Strip the wire

I'm going to skip running wire and installing the electrical box for the outlet (possibly for a later post if I feel like it) and just assume you have a hole in the wall with a box inside and one to two wires sticking out (electric wires, if you can't tell them from coax, phone, Ethernet, etc. I'm too frustrated with you to explain it). This electrical box will at very least have a wire coming from power, and possibly have a wire going to the next receptacle in the circuit. For each wire strip away the outer insulation about 6 inches (enough to maneuver each wire to fit to both sides of the outlet, use your judgment). I find it's easiest to do this with a razor blade knife. Cut along the wire from the end of your strip to the end of the wire being careful not to nick the inside wire insulation. Peel the outer insulation back and cut it off. Next strip each of the inside wires to expose about 3/4" to 1" of copper wire. Use the wire stripper and put the wire in the right slot for the size of the wire (for indoor wire usually 12 AWG, don't get too worked up about it), squeeze, twist to make sure the insulation is cut and pull the insulation off the end. Repeat for all wires with insulation (the ground may or may not be insulated, whatever).

Personal Aside: I once worked with a kid who couldn't strip the wire without finding the right slot. I suppressed my justifiable rage and did it without the slot on the actual cutting part by figuring out how deep to go by feel. I then informed the kid how much he sucked and conjectured that his sexuality may be one that is not in line with the views of Christianity or the Republican Party. Don't be like him, fucking get the shit done.

When you're done it should look like this:

Your wire may be gray on the outside or whatever.

The ground also will probably not be insulated and you may

have solid core instead of stranded. Get the fuck over it and

focus on important things.

Step 3: Connect to the outlet

OK the outlet looks something like this:

Outlet

Here's a diagram for the outlet:

Bam

That should be enough, on to the next step.

Step 4: Mount the, what? The diagram wasn't enough? Fucking hell, you people are hopeless.

OK, first take the ground wires and attach both to the green ground screw. Bend the end of the wire into a half circle so it resembles a hook. If this is the last receptacle in the circuit then there will be one ground wire, otherwise there will be two. Hook all these wires over the green screw and tighten by turning the screw clockwise. Next take one of the white (neutral) wires and slide it under one of the copper plates with a silver screw, tighten and repeat for the other wire if necessary. Do the same with the black (hot) wire(s) but with the bronze screws. It is good practice for wires coming from the same bundle to go into the same side of the outlet (top/bottom), although this doesn't matter for a circuit like this that is in parallel (look it up) it would matter for more complex circuits.

Note: Depending on the brand or age of the outlet the wires may attach differently. Just don't be fucking stupid and figure out how to attach your wires and make sure you attach them to the right points and you'll be fine.

Step 4: Mount the outlet

Fold the wires neatly into the back of the box so the screws on the outlets will match up with the screw holes in the top and bottom of the electrical box. It has now become common practice (after much debate over the subject) for the ground to be on top (the opposite of the way it is pictured above) so twist the outlet so the ground faces up. Tighten the screws into the electrical box.

Step 5: Cover the outlet

Line up the outlet cover with the outlet and screw the middle screw in until the cover is snug on the outlet. Make sure not to torque down too much or the fucker will snap, and they snap really easily, trust me.

Step 6: Reset the breaker

Go back to the circuit breaker box and flip the breaker you turned off back on. If the breaker doesn't make a popping sound and you don't smell smoke, you are in good shape. If you have a fancy pants voltmeter use it to test the outlet. The smaller straight slot (hot) should read 120 V AC against both the long strait slot (neutral) and round slot (ground). If you don't have a voltmeter, just plug something in, if it works then you did it right (just make sure it's something you can stand breaking).

Congratulations! You did one of the simplest things done by an electrician. Good for you? Now you're ready to move on to more complicated electrical projects. If there's something electrical I don't know how to do (unlikely) I like to start here.

Cavemen can do it, why can't you?

2010-10-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

Fire.

The thought alone gets my man juices flowing. Without fire our modern world would come to a stop, yet many "men" I know can't light one for shit. That's where this blog comes in.

I went camping one summer with some friends and they decided it was time to light a fire. Right away 5 or 6 guys ran over trying to prove how manly they were by trying to get the fire going. I did what I always do when a bunch of jackasses are falling all over themselves to do work that I might otherwise be doing; I sat back and drank a beer. After sitting for what felt like hours going through several beers I realized something, they'd have a much easier time lighting the fire if they used the sticks that were up their asses as kindling. Here's how it's done:

Start a Fire:

What you'll need:

Fire source
Tinder
Kindling
Fuel
Y-chromosome

Step 1: Build

Most guides will start off telling you to find a place clear of leaves and needles, so many feet from a tree with no overhanging branches, blah blah blah. The way I look at it, if you're dumb enough to start a forest fire then fuck it you'll find a way. Forests need to burn down every once and a while anyway, you don't want nature do win do you?

Anyway, figure out where your fire is going to be and let's get building. First you want to gather up a handful of tinder and put it down in the center of your fire pit. Tinder is pretty much anything that can be lit off your fire source: newspaper, cardboard, pine needles, leaves, paper evidence etc. Around this put kindling pointing up and meeting at the top so they form a cone. Boyscouts will call this a teepee structure. Fuck boyscouts. Kindling is basically a step up from tinder; tinder should lite kindling on fire. Kindling usually consists of small sticks or boards. Your structure should look like this:

If you only need a small fire you can stop here and light this, but fuck that.

If you want a bigger fire (and you do) that will be able to light logs, build another layer outside you kindling with bigger branches that can be lit off your kindling. Remember to leave space to reach in so you can light your tinder.

Alternate:

Find some sticks that are bigger than you kindling, basically the branches of a tree. Lay two parallel to each other, and then another two parallel logs will lie perpendicular to these forming a square. Do a couple layers of this then use your kindling in the same way. Finally stuff the inside with tinder and cover the top with more kindling. The key to any fire is airflow so make sure nothing is packed too tight. It should wind up looking like this:

Step 2: Light that fucker.

Take whatever fire source you may have (match, magnifying glass and the sun, flint and steel, high intensity laser, etc.) and use it to light the tinder. Once the tinder is lit, wait for it to start burning the kindling. Blowing on red hot parts of the kindling and small fuel branches will help the fire along. If you built correctly with dry material, your fire should be going in no time.

Step 3: Keep it going.

At the point where the fire is going you can start to add your main fuel (logs, boards, people smaller and weaker than you, etc). The main thing to remember is to take it in steps. Don't try to light the trunk of a redwood off this base fire. Quarter your logs and keep building up from smaller to larger.

At one point your fire will be down to red embers, but it's still possible for you to bring the fire back if you want to (and of course you want to, fire is awesome). Build up your kindling in whatever structure you prefer on the red embers then hope you have good lung capacity. Keep blowing on the embers until their heat lights the kindling then build again.

When you're done with the fire, spread out the embers and douse the whole thing with water. Keep stirring for a little while and adding water to make sure the fire is out.

Post Script:

I am well aware that there are other structures that can be effectively used to build fires (lean-to, etc). Don't bitch to me about this nonsense, go add them to your own fucking blog.

I know more than a few of you are probably thinking, "Wouldn't a real man use gas or something?" Yes he would, but a real man also works with what he's got. I'm assuming gas isn't necessarily available, and a real man would know how to light a fire without it. You can also go to a mechanic to change your oil, hire someone to mow your lawn, or move on to a blog not meant for men.

Change your own oil pussy.

2010-09-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

If I hear this one more time I'm going to puke, "I'm OK with cars, but I don't like to change my own oil. I'd rather have a mechanic take care of it because he knows what he's doing." Disgusting.

I don't know about you, but I always know what I'm doing, and as far as I can tell I've always been able to change a car's oil. I think it's one of those things that come naturally to men, like taking a piss standing up or drinking.

Since not all of you metro-yuppie douches grew up changing your parent's oil, I'll walk you through it so some greased up high school drop-out doesn't swindle you out of your money at Jiffy Lube.

First, you need to know to change your oil once every 3,000 miles or 6 months. Your local garage will leave a little sticker to remind your dumb ass, but if you can't keep track then I can't help you. Let's assume it is time to change your oil, here's what you need to do:

Change your oil

What you'll need:

Oil filter (Wherever you buy this there will be a book or a computer that tells you which one to get for your car.)
Oil (Your owner's manual will tell you how much to get.)
Oil pan
Wrench
Oil filter wrench
Testicles

Step 1: Elevate the front of your car.

Either the front end of your car needs to be up in the air or you need to be a lot smaller than me, because you need to get under there. If you have a lift, that's great, and you probably don't need to be reading this. I've always found ramps to be both convenient and effective. They look like this:

Car ramps

Put them in front of your front tires, drive up, stop on top, park, put on the emergency brake, turn off the car and get the fuck out, you've got work to do.

Step 2: Drain the oil.

Somewhere on the bottom of the engine on the oil pan (depending on the model of your car), is a plug. Behind this plug is your oil. In case you haven't been following along, this oil needs to get out. Depending on how recently you ran your car and how long you ran it, this oil might be hot, don't bitch at me, I warned you. If you can't handle it, let your car cool down after you put it up on ramps. When you're ready, turn this plug counter-clockwise to loosen it. If I find any one of you saying to yourselves "Righty-tighty, lefty-loosie," and holding up your fingers to figure out which one makes the L, I will personally deliver a punch to your nuts. Make sure your oil pan is sitting right underneath this thing, because surprise, surprise, some oil's gunna come out when you take the plug out. Let the oil drain and move on to the oil filter.

Step 3: Remove the oil filter.

Get down under your car and find the oil filter. You should be able to find it near the oil pan, it looks like this:

An oil filter

Turn the oil filter counter-clockwise to remove it. Unless you are among the burliest of men, or it was installed improperly, you won't be able to do this by hand. There are a number of tools to use to get this fucker off, I've used everything from a strap wrench to a socket designed just for oil filters. Stop by your auto parts store and take your pick. There will still be some oil in here, let it drain out of here and out of the filter into your pan.

Step 4: Put this shit back together.

Once all the oil is gone, screw the plug back into the oil pan, clockwise, as tight as you can by hand, then give it a twist by wrench. Make sure it's nice and snug, but don't over tighten. Install the new oil filter where the old oil filter was. Again, tighten as much as you can by hand, clockwise, then give it a twist with whatever tool you attacked your oil filter with. Make sure you don't over tighten this either, try to remember how tight the old one was when you took it off.

Step 5: Fill the oil.

Pop the hood and find the oil cap:

Oil Cap

Open it, put a funnel in and dump in however much oil your car's owner's manual tells you to dump in. Close the oil cap and you're done. Congratulations, you know how to do one of the most basic things with your car you should have already known how to do. Change your air filter every 12,000 miles, or four oil changes, and stop being a pussy, do it yourself.