Jazzy's Journal

Why 2012?

2024-10-17T23:05:00.003-06:00

Dear Journal -

Life has been happening and this last year has been rough to say the least, but I'm still alive and I'm still kicking and I'm still growing every single day! Today, I decided to come visit you and sign in and look at the activity. Now journal, I can see what posts were read, how many hits I've gotten, but I cannot tell who read it. I WISH I COULD! I like to think that maybe some random person came across this life of mine found it interesting, maybe was able to relate to something and then just kept reading it as if it is a book and they are getting to know this woman named Jazzy!

Any who, I look at the posts that have been looked at and all the posts were from 2012, once upon a time when I was writing as often as I could and absolutely loved and enjoyed sharing my struggles. To be honest, I sort of stopped writing on here because about a year or maybe a little over a year ago, someone got on my blog and used it against me almost in a court of law! I'll explain. So I think it was over a year ago, I get a message from my most recent ex (4 year ago ex) and he's like hey Jaz can you do me a favor and not write about me on your blog because my girl saw it and didn't like it! For a moment I was is this really happening right now? What in the actual fuck! so I was like...... I will write what I want, when I want on my blog it's MINE! anyway, long story short, this woman started harassing me, got my number called me got me to tell her things apparently I wasn't supposed to (according to my ex) and then took homeboy to court and apparently said in court that she had read how he treated me because I had a blog and she read it and I wrote thing about him! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!

I write about things in the past for the most part, but in 2012 I was writing things that were actually going on. So I decided to read some of those posts because obviously I can't remember what was happening in my life in detail back then, and I come across this post about AJ! So AJ was sort of kind of the reason I ended up in Colorado 10 years ago. I've wrote a lot about him back then because he was the person I was "talking to" except it was just by phone or text and at that point I had not even met him in person. WELL let me tell you journal that he and I finally met in 2014 when I finally moved to CO and nothing ever came of that "romance" it was very short lived physically and 14 years later I think back at that and I'm like..... If only I knew then what I know now!

Through out the time I have lived in CO we have stayed in touch, actually about a year and a half ago he tattooed me because he was learning on himself so I was like, "I want a tattoo" so I went hung out with him and he gave me one. During that time I was kind of sort of off and on seeing someone so I had absolutely zero interest in AJ and I could tell he had no interest in me either so it was really cool just to hang as friends. I was really proud of him because he had bought his own home, had a great job and was doing really good! He and I were friends on FB we liked each others posts blah blah blah blah...

Forward to this past summer and I had posted a refrigerator on Facebook marketplace for sale, I get a message from someone who is interested and it's him, so I send him a message on his messenger outside of the marketplace and I'm like, you need a fridge? didn't you realize that was me? so we get to talking I tell him I will sell it to him for less than I'm posting it and he's like ok cool! 2 weeks go by I'm trying to get rid of this fridge, other people are messaging so I txt him and well...... Let's see, people don't change unless they want to as I've written on here time and time again. He's like you know what Jazzy just fucking sell it, so I'm like.... Are you mad? he's like honestly a friend would have already taken down the post on marketplace, like I told you I was going to get it blah blah blah... Obviously since I have a short fuse and I could care less if he is mad or not, I'm like, "are we really friends" because honestly, just because I chat with someone every now and then on social media and like your posts, that doesn't truly make you my friend! I see my friends, I go out to dinner with my friends, I visit my friends, I have physical (not sexual) but I actually see them and give them a hug, and I had not seen him in months and if I didn't reach out to him every now and then to check to see how he was doing, I would not know shit about his life other than what he was posting. So you tell me journal, are we really "friends?" So of course AJ did what AJ does and he told me off and blocked me on social media! GROW THE FUCK UP! I was pissed at first but in the end I didn't care, it's whatever at this point, in Colorado people come and go it's almost a trend in this state it feels like UGH!

So I'm just now reading all these posts about how much I "loved him" and I came to a realization, all these people I have claimed to "love" where not really ever in my life. Yes, at one point he and I talked every single day, we told each other things, we were each others "person" but I was in NYC and he was in Colorado, we had only seen each other in pictures (no one facetimed yet) and we would talk on the phone for hours, so of course he was my "person" he was the only man at that time in my life that I talked to and made me feel special, but love is so much more than just words, it's so much more journal.

I figured I would come on here tonight and clarify my "loves" because thinking back at my love stories, I can honestly say that I have loved only a few times, like true love. One which was my most recent ex, which by the way came to visit me earlier this year and all that came out of that was me making someone else feel like shit with my stupid immature actions and he and I no longer communicating. Last I heard from him his messaged read and I quote "I am so happy I have a new girlfriend and I have never felt this happy ever in my life!" OUCH! I never even responded because I had nothing to say to that nor did I care and to be honest, I'm happy that he is happy!

Regarding Benjamin (that's not his real name) the internet IT persona. That love was the love I have always yearned for and till this day have never had. Again, yes I met him in person, yes I never kissed him, yes he and I emailed (EMAILED!) everyday for like a year! we texted and emailed and all of a sudden I was "in love" but to quote something he said to me once "you are in love with the idea of love" yes! I was in love with the idea of what we could be, I was so madly in love with the idea of the love that we could have. Yet this man literally played with my emotions knowing very well what he was doing and leading me on and making me feel all these things because I had literally never met anyone like him and was in awe! He was quite the catch not going to lie! he is now married to a woman who is older than he is (he's 10 years younger than I am) and he is still doing what he does (write about technology!) BORING! I bet if I had actually had the chance to actually be "in his life" I would have been bored to tears by month 6!

I am for the first time in a long time, NOT IN LOVE sure I "think" I love someone right now, actually, I think about this character every single day which really annoys me. I don't like think of him all day every day but I still do think of him. I miss him often as I cannot deny we had the BEST TIME EVER! when we were seeing each other and hanging out. But the reality is that I absolutely REFUSE to be in love with someone who also just led me on, played with my emotions and then had the audacity to make me out the be the "bad one" in the end! REALLY ASSHOLE??? He also told someone that if I were closer to his age he would have dated me. WOW! the whole time (almost 3years) that we were off and on "seeing" each other, he knew my age, he knew in his heart he would never "be with me" yet he kept me around because hey, why not, I was there might as well! damn, writing that last sentence made my eyes tear up. He always knew that I wasn't the one for him, yet he strung me along for his enjoyment pleasure, he even once throughout our off and on shenanigans got a girlfriend and posted her all over social media on his bed with his kids, claiming how much he loved her! So yea, I was the bad evil woman who did some foul shit by sending him a picture of my ex laying on a bed next to me..... DAMN!! how did you like them apples ASSHOLE! and yet after I did that on a drunk night while crying 'FOR HIM" I couldn't apologize enough, but yea, in the end...... Jazzy is a bitch! OH WELL!

There is only one person I'm in love with right now and that person is me! I'm taking care of me! I am choosing me! do I want to meet the love of my life and live happily ever after??? FUCK YEA I WILL! but until that day comes, when I can be like.... let me tell you all these stories and he can say something like... And thanks to all those losers I was able to get you! (ok that's mean and probably part of a romcom I once saw!) but seriously, one day we will be together, me and my one! whomever that will be!

For now I have been on two dates and then got off of dating sites because I don't have time, energy or desire to meet, talk to, or see anyone. But, funny story is that one of the two dates I went on, knew the off and on asshole I was seeing for almost 3 years. Of course that would happen to me! ha! he seemed like a nice man, very pleasant to talk to, but I knew from the moment I saw him I was not interested. Knowing that the date would be the one and only date with him, I asked him if he knew said person from my previous paragraph above ☝ Since they are both in the same industry and it's a small community I had a feeling he would because he was in a higher level but still talked about companies he had worked for which were the same companies said person had mentioned to me during our for a lack of better term "situationship" (that's actually a real thing these days). So I say the first name and I didn't even finish my thought and he yelled out the last name and I was like, yup! that's him. By the end of the date he told me he thought I was very beautiful and very nice and a lot of fun and he would like to see me again, so I did what any decent person would do as to not hurt someone's feelings. I told him I didn't think it would work out because it would feel awkward because he knew this person I had this thing with and I just didn't feel right about it. He and I had never exchanged numbers so when I get home, I got a message saying thank you for being honest and that it was nice meeting me and then unmatched with me! Oh men! None the less, he was a nice man though and I sure hope he finds what his heart desires, but yea, had I been attracted to him I wouldn't even bring up asshole because why should I right journal?

I know I'm starting to write bitter stuff I guess I'm still as they say "salty" about that whole situation! but does it keep me up at nigh? NOPE! way to many other things going on in my life right now to worry about it. I must admit there are days when I want to call him so bad and be like.... "can you please say we are cool" because I do feel this awful heavy weight, but why would I do that? reading my posts from 2012 I read something that reminded me of my authentic self, if you like, care, want to be with someone that doesn't feel the same way for you, the most loving thing to do is let them go. I have forgiven myself for my actions my part of the story. Maybe 10 years from now I'll be on this same journal writing about how we talked made peace and I was happy to know he was happy the end!

Well, it's 11 and I have lots to do tomorrow before I go away for some much needed R&R I will write all about all the things when I'm ready to share, for now, please know journal that life is short and you should definitely live each moment like it is your last, because we never really know, as someone said on an Instagram post, death doesn't knock on your door and tells you it's coming, so live every moment in the moment and be the best person you can be!

Ta ta journal!

ps. this is the song I'm going to dedicate to my future love the day I am finally with him... I'm pretty sure it's already on my journal but I have been singing it lately not thinking about any one man, just singing it and enjoying the beautiful lyrics. I leave you with.

At Last - Etta James (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic) oh Jazzy! :)

How to start?

2024-09-13T23:04:00.004-06:00

My lovely journal! it has been way to long. Life just passes by and sometimes you are just so busy with it, you don't have time to tell your stories! so many to tell I don't even know where to start, so I will just tell you my latest one! Life has been really good and very peaceful! I can't even remember when was the last time I felt such a sense of peace and happiness. I just don't have anything that is looming over me, or anything that is stressful, or anything that is dramatic. I honestly think the last time I felt this way was when I first moved to Colorado a little over 10 years ago. I was living life and it was just being present every single day, no distractions nothing looming, no life stress just chilling.

I did have a car accident about 3 weeks ago but I am here to tell you the story journal so it wasn't completely horrible. I am having a lot of neck and back pain but I have an amazing physical therapist and I have been feeling better little by little. It has been a lot of work but what isn't? you have to work for everything in life it seems. But yea, an accident that totaled my car, it made me feel sad the last time I saw the car when I went to pick up everything I had in it. I still remember the day I accompanied my son to buy it in Portland, OR. I remember we walked in the dealer and as soon as I saw it I was like, you need to ask about that one! Toyota Corolla 2018 blue, my favorite color. We went in he asked and he bought it! afterwards, that car came to Colorado for about a year, then it went to Germany! yes Germany journal! it was driven around in Germany by my son and then eventually it made it's way back to the states. First, it was in New Jersey, then CT, NYC and finally ended back in Colorado in my hands. That car was good to my kids and I.

Good things are happening though after that accident, I was able to get a new car, at least new to me! yay! I purchased it about 2 weeks ago and I LOVE IT! Toyota Rav4 the car I have wanted for years! it's not brand new, but today when I took it to my mechanic he told me I did good! it's in great working condition and I cannot wait until I start making memories with it. I do have to say that driving makes me really anxious lately. In the year 2024 I have been in 3 car accidents, it's been a bit much. From the 3 only one was my fault and it was all over a piece of chicken ha! but to my defense, I work a lot and there are times that I barely have time to eat, a girl needs to eat, a girl was trying to eat her chicken and a girl looked down to grab her chicken and a girl hit the car in front of her due to looking down for a second to grab said chicken! it was ridiculous and funny to a certain extent. I was so scared mainly because it was a work car and I thought I would get in trouble, but I did not. All I did was fill out a form submit it and that was the end of that! THANK GOODNESS!

So yea journal, lot's of things have happened in 2024, and when it is all said and done, I think that all the events of this year thus far, have been for the best in the end. I know that there are still a few months left for this year to end, but so far everything that has happened until today September 13th.... FRIDAY THE 13th! YIKES! have all been for the best. Life is really good journal, it's so peaceful! and this girl likes peace!

I will leave you with a song that I really like, it's super catchy! Good luck babe by: Chappell Roan

What happens in Vegas!

2023-06-08T21:55:00.001-06:00

Dear Journal -

I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write about something wonderful that happened to me this past few days while I was in Vegas (no I did not get married!) but I did for the very first time ever in my entire life won!!! and I didn't win thousands of dollars, but I did win a few hundred with the help of my amazing friend that was with me! I can't begin to tell you journal how much fun I had! it was just the sort of trip I needed it seemed like it had to do not only with getting money and having fun, but getting clarity and making thoughtful decisions.

Before I left to Vegas I had a pretty good idea that I was going to be dating someone I've dated before and part of me was telling me run and do it and the other part kept telling me, what the actual FUCK are you doing! I don't want to get into to many details but I am going to say this, I haven't been this single and this happy since I would say about 6 years ago. The reason why I was single and happy back then was because I was not in love with anyone and had no cares in the world, I was focused on my own stuff and all I kept seeing was prosperity and I feel the same exact way now, I am so focused on myself lately that all I keep seeing is myself prospering, I have a clear vision of my near future, I have a vision of what I want and don't want in my life right now and I have not had such a clear vision in a really long time!

I got back on some dating sites mainly because I don't want to loose my "dating skills" but I am also doing it so that I can get "back out there" I want to enjoy my summer and have a great summer! I don't really know when I will have time for anyone, but I guess if I meet people that I feel are worth my time, I will make time for it. Not really a priority but I'm not dead so might as well enjoy life while I'm here.

I have learned something new in the past few weeks or maybe I have always known but I still hope that people are genuine. What I learned was that people take advantage of those who are kind and have an open heart and want to be helpful to others, except people don't realize that you should keep the good ones around and get rid of those who pull you down. Throughout my life I have had many people who have thought that they can treat me however they want to and I will always be there. What these people don't know is that I see them, I can see right through people and in the end they loose, not me. I say this because whenever I am in someone's life whether it's in a friendship way or work way or romantic way or whatever, I try my best to be genuine and be there for people in the best way I can, but there have been many times in my life that people think I have an ulterior motive. I am just being me, I try to be authentic and genuine and as honest as I can be. So, with all that being said today when I had my therapy session and was telling her all about my most recent adventures I told her that all in all, I am truly happy and life is good! Life is real good journal! And it makes me happy to be able to write a post that isn't about drama or sadness or anything but good stuff!

Oh one last thing journal, if all goes well, I will be going to NYC in August for a concert to see all the old school rappers! I just hope I am able to get tickets for that show because it's going to be CRAZY!

I will leave you with....... RUN DMC! walk this way!!! wish me luck that I can get these tickets!!!

My Love

2023-04-09T16:30:00.005-06:00

Dear Journal -

I don't usually say on my journal who inspired a poem or who I thought of when I wrote it etc. sometimes, I have shared it with the person it is about but not always. This one however I will share who I wrote it for. I wrote it for my ex who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved. I don't think that I am capable of ever loving anyone again the way I loved him! even writing this makes my heart feel heavy and tears are rolling down my face; and still after 3 years of being apart there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my thoughts. And yes, we are not enemies and we are not friends, we just are, and sure I could send him this post if I chose to, but the truth is, I hope one day he will visit this blog and see it.

His name is CLS (Love) that was my name for him, I hated baby so I would call him Love even if there were a crowd between us, I called him Love...I don't want to write his name out because whomever knows knows and that's all that matters. I remember when we first met at Walmart in person while I was purchasing something, I looked at him and said... wow you are cute! now here is the thing, he is 21 years my jr. so in that moment I was just giving him a compliment and he said the same back to me, that I was cute and I was caught off guard! I never in a million years would have thought that one day I would have been proposed to at the beach by him and that I could love someone so much. I believe he may have been my true love.....Maybe if there is such a thing!

We had so many good times and my heart aches because while he would often say "baby you can write about us" I never wrote the good, yet the moment there was something bad going on, here I came to you journal to talk about how bad he was. Now thinking back we may have not been the perfect couple by any means but he was never abusive, never mean spirited toward me, he was just there for me through everything and anything! He is a good man! and while in the end it ended shitty and we both said mean things, the very last time I spoke to him I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know and my response was the same. I feel like I may be over him now, but there are still days that I wish I had him by my side so there is that!

Someone told me not to long ago that it would be difficult for anyone to be in a relationship with someone almost two decades older, but I don't think that's true and what I believe is that it felt that way to this individual that said this to me, but it wasn't hard at all for CLS and I we were just in love and the only person who had a problem with our age difference was me. I made that an issue yet him, he could care less what anyone including his family or mine thought about us because we loved each other and in the end, age is just a number! This individual that was telling me that it would be hard for anyone to be with someone older, also said that the reason why he wanted me back was because he was a little kid that wanted a mother figure. What the person who was saying this didn't know is that, me being a mother figure to him was the last thing he wanted and the one thing I never did. He has a mother and they talked all the time and when I met him I helped him work on his relationship with her. He and I had so much lust for each other throughout our 4 years together that there was no way in hell that he thought of me that way. Ha! when this person told me all this nonsense knowing only the bad things I had said about my ex, I thought to myself..... No not every man has a problem with that, because some men are real men that know how to take care of their woman so they won't get cheated on! but you know journal, I wasn't going to say that to this person because it was useless waste of energy for me to defend my ex I know he loved me and wanted to be with me not needed to be with me!

I literally never did much for him honestly. Everything he has, he has gotten on his own. Often he did more things for me! he would wash my cloths, pick up after me, because I would leave my shoes and socks all over our apartment and he was very neat and liked everything in it's place which I loved! He cooked for me and all these things I took for granted even though no other man had done, all these things for me before. I was his queen and he wanted to shower me with constant gifts and if he could have given me the world he would have. I wanted to write this a while back because I kept thinking about what that person had said to me about my ex and it really bugged me, like don't talk shit about my ex when you didn't even know us together.

I miss his beautiful deep blue eyes and those full lips I could never get enough of! His beautiful smile, why didn't I ever tell him any of this? I miss so many things about him and I don't know if I will ever truly be able to open my heart again to anyone because the hurt that I went through after that break up was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life and I've been through shit! We lived together and even until the end, whenever I knew he was on his way home I would get butterflies in my stomach and get so anxious to see him even if we had texted each other all day, I can't even count how many times I fell in love with him, over and over and over again :(

Ok journal I came on here to share a poem I wrote for him in May of 2022..............

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My love what did I do? Why oh why did I run so far away from you!

I didn't mean to hurt you, had I known I would have stayed and held you!

My heart aches so much when I think of you, I'm so sad that you lost you!

If only I could turn back time I would do it all better!

And then we could have made it through the stormy weather!

Oh universe Oh God please make him feel better, let his mind be well, let him get it together!

My ex best friend what can I do? How can I help you to be you?

My tears can't cure your current state of mind, but I send you good wishes and lots of love all of the time!

Be well my love get better! I know you have it in you to make it through all kinds of weather!

Be well my love get better! I believe in you, you will get it together!

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I will leave you with a song and one of my favorite pics I took one day that he was cooking, he can definitely get down in the kitchen! Good times!

Rest in Heaven Luther Vandross - Never to much..

Climb this hill together....

2023-04-09T15:12:00.002-06:00

Wrote this on August 26, 2022 While doing a 14er the one that I almost died doing! True Story! :(

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Hold my hand, let's climb this hill together we're the same!

Deep hurt it has touched us both, I'm scared but I know, that in the end the love will overflow!

I do not doubt, that there will be tears, but when they come I will be close to you my dear you need not fear as long as you open up to me I will not disappear....

Just hold my hand we can do this together and I know we can make it last forever!

Forever a year forever five forever 10 forever as long as you stay my friend.

We will break down the walls around each other's heart until they tumble down for this fear we have will only ever leave us down.

Let's give this a chance lets make last forever I guarantee we'll be better off than ever!..

Hold my hand let's climb this hill together!

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I will leave you with a short video I made when I made it to the top and also.....

7 Seconds............................

Soulmate Friend

2023-04-09T14:49:00.002-06:00

Wrote this in September 2022

Some come some go but some stay forever more!

I've known you so many years and I would cry so many tears....

And now look at us go, finally two friends no foul no foe.

I can't believe it took this long, but I'm so happy that we will be forever sure!

That our souls have been connected through time, that we love each other through all the tough times

I'm so glad that it was you, who gave me that one tattoo!

So intimate so loving so sweet, my friend you sure are unique!

I knew there was a reason I met you, all those years ago!

I know I will never forget you and we will be friends forever more!

No intention

2023-04-09T14:23:00.004-06:00

Journal -

It's been a while, I don't have much to report honestly other than I will be traveling this summer and am really looking forward to it. I've also been working so much I'm usually exhausted and barely have time to write or do much else for that matter. I've been working really hard on my selflove something I realize I've never had, I have pretty much let people walk all over me my whole life and I know why but I am not going to share it on here because that's why my book is already being thought out. Actually last night I was hanging out with my friend who is a writer and we started planning out my book ideas etc. I'm stocked that my friend can help me with it as it has been on my mind for years and I am finally going to start bringing it to fruition. I gave myself 5 years to write it because the subject is hard and real and truly me, so it will take time to write something that is true. What else..... Not much else journal I keep saying that I am going to post some poems I wrote at the end of last year so her is one of them. I called it no intention.

Written Sept. 2022

I have no intentions no no not anymore, it feels silly to continue to think of you and me forever more.

Your touch your smell and all the things that you do well, will be forever in my memory, I have a new tale to tell.

I choose to let it go because I know the truth, that I’m a game you played someone to take some space until you found what you needed. I’m sorry I didn’t measure up, I feel so bad for you because you’ve given up.

Like me there will be no other and I promise you will never fully recover. You will always remember my smile, my soft skin, how happy you were when you would see me.

Good luck forever is what I wish for you, but you will no longer make me feel blue. I choose to let it go because there is no reason for me to spend more time with you for yet another season.

I am happy now because I finally see, that I am better off away from thee.

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I leave you you with Shakira - Monotonia - Lately I've been listening to her old and new music, she has so many great songs! Colombian queen she is! Also, I saw her at the airport years ago in Mexico city, Mexico, when she wasn't as famous and she is petit and very beautiful in person.

Where are thou my Romeo!

2023-02-25T21:28:00.003-07:00

Dear Journal -

As always, I think of you all the time, but life is always so busy for me lately that I don't ever have time to do this that I love so much! Lately, life has been pretty weird, I've never felt this way before and I don't know why, but there are days that I want to just run as fast as I can and never come back. Of course I have always felt this way, this is why I have moved around so very much in my lifetime and to be hones if I were 30, I would be living in Paris! OH PARIS!!! I will see you again next year and I cannot wait! I LOVED Paris so very much! it was New York but with both old and new! with a different language and a lot of history! Kings and Queens and all the things I love from the Renaissance period. Sometimes I think that I lived back then, but was only a peasant.

So journal, I have a lot to tell you but I'm really tired. I decided that instead of writing some long drawn out entry, I decided to post a poem I wrote in May of 2022. I am working with my therapist on learning how to trust and feel safe, feeling safe is within and if I can't feel safe within, then how can I ever feel ok wherever I am? lots of work to do journal! but each day is a new day to work harder on oneself and be better than yesterday. I leave you with my poem.....

Where are thou my Romeo!

One day, there will be no tears, no fears, no trust issues, no scary thoughts.

The sky blue and clear, the one, he will be near. I know somewhere out there he is, why is he always kept so far from me….

Where are you my true love! Will I ever feel your tender touch? I yearn for your true kiss, and all the moments that we have missed! I can’t wait to make you smile, I’ve been waiting for you for quite a while!

I dream of you everyday! How will you look? How will you smell? What will you say? Will my trust issues and fears drive you away?

Oh where oh where are thou my Romeo!

Are you on top of a mountain or out in the sea!

I’m tired of helping please come and help me!

Why have you been kept away from me?

I'll leave you with.......

More than a woman from the Bee Gees.

I love music and dancing! this is one of my FAVORITE classic movies. It was actually filmed in my old neighborhood in Bayridge Brooklyn NY. There is a scene where a car drives right past the last building I lived in. I noticed it the last time I watched the movie and it was so cool to see how that street looked in the 70's. I LOVE how they dance, such beautiful art dancing is!

Knight in shinning armor!

2023-01-14T23:30:00.004-07:00

Dear Journal -

The post below I initially wrote in June 2022 but did not post it because I never finished writing it. I did however want to post it because why not? So here is my June post for your enjoyment pleasure! Also, after this post, I did do 1 14er, which I did meet someone on my way up. We stopped and talked for a bit and we both sort of kind of wanted to be like...... We should hike together sometime! BUT, I was to proud to ask for his number and I don't know why he didn't ask for mine. He was around my age, tall and thin, blonde hair light eyes and very handsome. I remember him vividly! what if he was.......... THE ONE! 😱 oh well! as I write this I'm laughing because I truly don't believe in the whole "ONE" concept, I believe in the many! Today is 1/14/23 and I just purchased a ticket for my next trip, I shall tell you all about it upon my return! until then, if I have some time I will post some poems I wrote a few months back, one which I actually wrote on this hike I went on where I saw this man. I also almost died (more on that on a different day). It is pretty late and I'm going on a morning hike tomorrow so I want to get to bed. Life is really good lately journal, I feel pretty happy and just very relaxed and chill. I did loose someone special on Dec 15th to a terrible accident, everyday when I think of my little cousin, I keep remembering what he told me the last time I hung out with him in Colombia in 2021........ Fuck everyone he said..... Be happy! I shall little cuz, I shall! Love you forever!

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How are thou my masterpiece? I absolutely have fallen back in love with you! I literally think of you everyday! what will I write next? what should I tell on this open book of mine? what should I keep deep in my heart and soul to only share in my book? what title will get people interested in reading you? and mainly, how do I get more female followers? that is literally my dream and the vision I had for this journal 11 years ago when I first started writing it. I wanted female followers because I write for women really! Men don't care about what I go through, at least I don't think so. Women on the other hand, they may read something that resonates and feel like..... WOW! I'm not the only woman that feels this way! that is all I want, I want a woman to find this blog and feel like they read something that makes them feel like they aren't as crazy as they thought. By the way, I'm all sorts of crazy! but I would not change who I am for the world! My grandmother (May she rest in peace! Miss her so much!) would laugh so hard at the stuff that would come out of my mouth, that she would be like, esta loca! (crazy girl) I can still hear her laughter in my head, it was contagious! I miss her voice so much!

Today journal, I want to tell you all about my knight in shinning armor! that's right, you read it here first, my knight in shinning armor! The other day I was talking to my cousin and we were discussing the fact that there is someone in her life that she really likes who doesn't know what he wants and this really frustrates her. She is 27 years old and about to become a lawyer and he is already a lawyer they went to school together and have known each other for years, they have been friends for years. She tells me that she's just tired of men not wanting to commit and we start talking about that and one conversation leads to another and then I tell her that I have this feeling that this summer when I climb 1 or 2 fourteeners (which are basically mountains that are 14 thousand feet above sea level) when I get to the top, there he is going to be! a knight in full on armor! I described to her this man in a horse with full on armor and we start cracking up! it was so hilarious because as I was telling her this, I literally had this vision in my head of this said knight from medieval times, I just LOVE anything that's from Medieval/Renaissance ages.

The truth is journal, that sometimes the thought of falling in love ever again is probably the scariest thought I've had in years! after my last post where I wrote about my ex and the fact that he nearly died a few months back and the people in his life sort of blamed me for it, I went through about a week and a half feeling truly sad. I literally had to talk myself through it all and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that it didn't matter who people tried to blame, it wasn't my responsibility as he is an adult and made his own choices. Hearing all that was told to me was really difficult and immediately after hearing all of it I felt a tremendous amount of love for him in that moment and my initial instinct was to run to him and "save" him, but after crying for a few days and feeling as heart broken as I did almost 2 years ago when we initially broke up, I had a really hard time and had to process it all with close friends in order to come to terms with everything that was told to me and I also had to make the decision that I need to continue to move forward and continue to do what I've been focusing on doing which is taking care of myself and working on me as I need to love myself first because how will I ever be able to love again if I can't even love myself first. I just feel so exhausted from loving so hard my whole life and always being blamed for things that are not my fault.

I will never forget when my ex husband (whom I was already divorced from) passed away from a drug overdose, I walked into the funeral home and the minute his sister saw me she started screaming at me saying that her brother was dead because I had left him! meanwhile, he already had a new girlfriend and a baby so how the fuck was it my fault? She kept yelling at me saying that the only person that could "control him" was me! who the fuck wants the responsibility of "controlling" a grown ass man. That has always stayed with me and I'm just exhausted of being the "care giver" to the men I've been with and yes I do date younger men but they aren't little kids, they are adults so how is it my fault if they make their own choices? also, my first ex husband and I were only like 3 years apart so he wasn't that much younger and he had his mother and his sister so how was it my responsibility to "control" him?

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I HAVE to leave you with this song that the badass Shakira just released dissing the SHIT out of her ex husband cheating bastard! it's soooooooo GOOD!

Believe in you

2022-12-13T15:35:00.007-07:00

Dear Journal -

I know I have been gone for a very long time! One of the main reasons has been that I have been working so much I don't always have time for other things. With the limited time I have, I try to get out and spend time with friends, I have to spend time with my daughter, granddaughter do self care stuff ie. massages and manicure pedicures, so I just always feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do all the things that need to be done.

I have however written a few poems that I will put on here since I only have a few minutes before my next meeting. I wrote this about a week or two ago. I don't think I gave it a title so let's call it..........

Believe in you.

Disappear from my world, I cannot handle knowing your still in it, If you are here then I want you near me. For without you my life seems unclear.

You came into my world and it seemed it would be brighter but lies were told and truths were hidden and I became the wiser. That you were never a real friend and that all your truths would be uncovered in the end.

You said you were always honest but honest to who? Was it to feel better about you? Your words never matched your actions. The end would come I sought it out, but I thought without a doubt, that at least friends we would always be. But all you did was lie to me.

And all those moments were just to keep me around longer, you knew I was loyal, because I was older. And as I sit here writing this story, I only know that I feel sorry, sorry for you that you need validation, from woman to women seeking some pleasure as you feel that you were a failure.

I will tell you this however my ex friend, the fulfillment you seek are all within you, I know deep inside you still feel blue for what that other woman did to you! She broke your heart into pieces. She bared your children but didn't give you a family, yet that is what you truly and really wanted! And that is why when I met you, I felt that I needed to stay true to you. I wanted you to see your worth and that some of us are not the worse!

Now I know I stayed around for way to long, and yet you never even wrote me a song.

I’m hurting now and feeling betrayed, but one day winter will surely end and the spring weather will lift me up again! And I will blossom and I will glow even though your words were a blow. But no no one can break me the way someone broke you, because in your heart you will always be blue until you truly start believing in you.

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I will leave you with... One of my favorite Monet's Art Work... So beautiful!

This lovely snow with my baby!

2022-05-19T21:18:00.003-06:00

Dear Journal -

The other day, I was asked out on a date and I MADE myself go! my now ex friend D, ex friend because he blocked me and is no longer talking to me; kept pressuring me saying that I needed to go out and meet new people. His words, you need to be under so you can get over it! Well, we got into this argument and I called him a man whore and then he said I thought I knew everything and I was just like fuck this! so I unfriended him on snapchat and the only reason why I did was because I thought to myself that it was best not to talk to him all day every day as he was becoming my boyfriend that I didn't have sex with! Who the fuck needs that? He and I met last summer and we were intimate not even a handful of times and then we just became friends, he started telling me about all his "women" and I would tell him my stuff and he was there for me a lot of times, when I was sad, when I was happy, when I needed someone to vent too. He told me all these things about women and I don't know, to me it's like ok you're a dude but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with everything that moves! His life is his and maybe I shouldn't have judged him and called him a man whore, but we had been getting into a lot of useless arguments so my thought was, if we don't snapchat, we won't talk as much. Well, the next day I went to send him a message about something legit and realized I hade been taken off and blocked on everything by him! OUCH! Regardless of all of that, I ended up deciding to go on a date, because I kept telling myself why not? what do I have to loose?

Ok, first let me just say that I NEVER care about going on dates, for as long as I remember I can't remember a time when I got excited or dressed up or did anything special to go meet a man for the first time when I've met them on a dating site. However, last Saturday I talked myself into getting excited about some dude that had asked me out to dinner (I also never like to go to dinner) but I said yes and he even offered to pick me up, but since I recently watched the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix, there was no way in hell I was going to get in a car with a man I didn't know! (that documentary fucked my head up more on that in another post!). On Saturday afternoon I even went to Macy's and bought myself a new blouse because I wanted to get all dressed up and feel pretty for my date! So....... Fast forward to 7p.m. I'm all dressed up even wore stiletto heels! Side note, I don't ever wear stiletto's anymore because of my foot injury but I was like I don't care I'm going to look HOT! I felt really good and got in my car and started driving toward the restaurant where I was going to meet my date..........

Then it happened journal....... I started balling! I couldn't stop crying thinking..... why the fuck is this happening to me? I wasn't supposed to be on a date, I was supposed to be married right now and I cried and cried thinking about my ex! I felt so heartbroken! When I got close to the restaurant I got myself together, make up all over my face, but homeboy I was going to meet wasn't there yet so I had time to freshen up. When we finally met I thought he was really handsome we went in sat down ate a good dinner (I made sure to not talk with my mouth full) as someone had pointed out to me that I do that! no one had ever mentioned that to me and I was grateful that he did because hey..... I always want to be better and mind my manners and have some type of etiquette!

Homeboy and I had a great dinner great conversation it went well, I even gave him a good night kiss! with tongue! OH MY! I went on my merry way and decided on my ride back home that I would not be seeing him ever again! When I got home I had a message saying how great I was and beautiful and he would love to see me again bla bla bla and I said thanks it was fun and left it at that. The next morning I got the dreaded good morning text, which my friend makes fun of me for because I HATE those! If I'm seeing someone and like them I want to be showered with good morning and good night txts., but when I just met you, it irks me! I know, I'm weird! when I finally responded I let him know that it was nice meeting him but I was not ready to "be out there yet."

Fast forward to Sunday night. I started thinking about why people block other people on their phones social media whatever and I decided that I do it when I get into a situation that I CAN'T HANDLE emotionally I can't deal with it, I do it for me, it doesn't really have to do with the person I'm blocking, to me it feels like; if I block you, then I don't have access to you and I will be less likely to snoop or try to find something out or reach out to the person or whatever! so that same night, I decided that I was going to unblock a bunch of people I had blocked in the past that I felt that didn't affect me anymore, in other words, unblocking someone because what they do no longer concerns me and I'm likely not going to feel the urge to reach out to them or any of that. In other words, those people are people I knew but no longer communicate with and it's ok, I've dealt with it and feel ok about it.

When I started to unblock people, there he was, my ex and journal, let me tell you that the first thing I did when I unblocked him was to well....SNOOP! It was this incredible urge to see what he is up to, where are you? who are you with? why don't you talk to me? why aren't we married? I started going through his pictures and noticed that the picture of him and the woman he was with after me was gone and guess who's picture was still there... ours, his and mine one of the first pictures he and I took together in the snow and the caption read.... "This lovely snow with my baby." I started balling! and then I started snooping determined to find out what the fuck is going on with him because for a few months now I've had this feeling this premonition that something isn't right with him, that something is wrong, I have felt for months that he isn't ok! so I couldn't control myself and finally found someone I knew would be honest with me about his whereabouts, so I reached out to this person half afraid they wouldn't get back to me and two days later, there it was, the response!

I found out that my love nearly died and that he was not well at all! I found out that he isn't him anymore, that he isn't the person I once knew, I found out that while he was almost in a comma he kept calling out my name and telling me he loved me, I found out that he kept saying that I left him for another man, I found out that his whole family hates me because I left him when he needed me most! Journal, that is so far from the truth! He left me! had I known what was happening to him deep in his heart or that life was becoming overwhelming to him I would have NEVER left his side! I loved him more than anything! I had to make decisions that were really hard but we had a plan! He was suppose to come to me and we were going to get married, buy a house, get a dog and travel the world together! we had PLANS! he left ME! so when I heard all of this I was completely devastated and been so since.

This is all I can think about for the last few days! I just want to get on a plane to Oregon and hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be ok! tell him I'm there! tell him I'll never leave his side again! I'm so heartbroken journal! I do feel like I left him when he needed me the most, but I had no idea what he was doing, I would never leave the person I love when they need me, on the contrary, I will ALWAYS be there for the ones I love! so to think that a whole bunch of people hate me without knowing the truth, is really hurtful. The person that told me all of this is someone I trust and know wouldn't make this up, we cried together while they were telling me this sad horrible news.

I am so glad he is alive, because if the news would have been otherwise, I don't know that I would of been able to handle it, it's just too much to bare! I reached out to a family member and never heard back. Don't they know there is two sides to every story? If you are my friend, please don't ever say things to me like.... You ducked a bullet! when people say these things to me it really hurts me because only he and I know our story. He isn't a bad man, he's just a man going through trials a tribulations, he's just a man who is still learning and growing, he's a young man that is still figuring life out. Don't judge him! don't tell me I ducked a bullet! He made me happy and we had problems like everybody else end of story! He's not bad, I'm not bad and like my oldest son said to me and my oldest son got to know him, he said mom, I'm so sorry! He's a good guy! coming from my son, that meant the world to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, there are two sides to every story..........

I will leave you with......This lovely snow with my baby!

A day in the life of Jazzy Belle!

2022-05-12T21:57:00.003-06:00

Dear Journal -

Today was a long day! I was in court most of the day (for work) and that is always very draining! non the less, I made myself go to my boxing class because I had all this bottled up anger inside of me that I needed to release and honestly after I left there I felt so much better! I enjoy boxing and feel like I'm definitely learning some moves and that's super cool!

Once I got home I realized that I had not eaten so I ate gold fish and M&M's that I had in a drawer because I had bought them for my granddaughter but we had forgotten that we bought them and I was saving them for her but they looked so good that I ate half the bag! FML! this is why I #fail at diets! not that I'm in a diet really, but lately I have been trying to eat healthier. Since I came back to CO from OR I have lost a total of 22 pounds, that's insane! I don't even know how I had all that weight on me but my old cloths is starting to fit and it feels amazing! I have been working so hard on getting fit again, and when I put on a pair of pants that all of a sudden feels bigger on me the sense of accomplishment is so overwhelming. At my age it is way harder to loose weight and when I was younger it was so easy. I mean I've been working out consistently since my late 20's and I was fit throughout my 30's then in my 40's I started to gain weight and it was mainly because I had an injury and couldn't continue to run which is what I loved so much!

This summer I have a lot of plans so I've been trying to get fit as I want to hike and do another 2 or 3 14'ers and the once that I haven't done (there are 58) are harder than the once I did last summer. I don't intend on doing all 58 but I mean I do want to do a few, it's so fun to just get to the top of a mountain that is 14 thousand feet above sea level that the thought of it makes me super excited! I have been hiking more so that I can prepare myself for this and I have been able to take shorter times doing the hike I typically do which is about 3 miles total but it's a climb! and the other day I got to the top without having lost my breath and I was like HOLY SHIT!!!! this is amazing! I just feel really good because I had lost my hope about loosing weight like I had been struggling for so many years that I was like, ugh, I don't want to try anymore and also, the pain on my foot always brought me down. Being with my ex didn't help the matter, he didn't care how I looked, he always told me I was beautiful no matter what and whenever he would see me do my little work out YouTube videos in our bedroom he would always encourage me and say "good job baby!" he wasn't really the work out type so he and I never did stuff like that together, but I didn't really care. I feel like I'm the type of partner that doesn't need someone to have all my interest or that I need to do everything with, I don't know, like I like my alone hikes so if I met someone that wasn't like we need to go hiking every week, I think I would be totally cool with it.

Speaking of my ex, so I have been getting weird text messages from weird numbers it has happened twice and it really messes with my head because I think it's him. I don't know maybe I'm wishful thinking because I would really like to talk to him and see how he is doing but I don't know that will happen anytime soon so whatever.

The other day I told someone that I know the love of my life is "out there" and today when I was thinking about that further I realized that I don't really believe that and that I tell myself that not to feel bad about the fact that at my age I don't know that I can say I had a "love of my life" and sure that's sort of cliché but who cares. Sometimes I feel like society has all these expectations about what a "good life" should look like and it's all bullshit. The truth of my life is that love has always been just like a bigger burden than something good, the more I talk to people that are in serious relationships the more I'm like UGH! gross! like I don't know I'm often conflicted about being in a serious relationship and never know what I want.

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this is because I told someone I wanted to "be with him" but I think what I really meant was that I wanted to be able to trust him, to feel secure like we were only seeing each other and not other people. When I think of relationships I feel like his definition of relationship is different than mine. I am at a point in my life that I don't care too much to be close to someone else's family I mean at least not initially I think those things take time, I also don't think about it like I need to be with someone 24/7 I like doing things on my own and I enjoy my life. I don't know the word relationship makes people really scared. I guess I don't take life so serious where like being with someone is that big of a deal to me, what I mean with that, is that to me is not so much about the word is more about who we are to each other. If we feel this closeness to someone and two people decide that they are happy just with each other and don't need more people to fulfill them.

Anyway, this person turned out to be a liar and fake and so deceitful and honestly it didn't surprise me in the end because I always had this feeling like there was something he hid, like there was more to him that he was hiding and it was just always this uneasy feeling about this person. I felt really sad that I was trying to start out for the first time ever it feels like, to trust at the beginning and only not trust when someone gave me a reason not to. When I started feeling like I may want more with him, I was honest about it and asked him how he saw us, I trusted this person so much! I wanted to build a friendship that was based on trust because if anything came out this "thing" that we shared I didn't want to start out in a negative way where I would automatically not trust someone that I didn't even know. However, in the end he turned out to be just that, a liar. I don't know, it's almost as if no matter how hard you try to believe in people, people just constantly let you down and it is such a bummer. Why is it so hard for people to be sincere and genuine? I was so honest and so real with this person from the start and I think that's what hurt the most. I feel so deceived and hurt by this, I mean I'm starting to feel a little better about it because I keep thinking that it isn't worth putting so much energy into this negative feeling of being down about someone that did not even value me as a person, so I've been working on trying not to think about it, but it still sucks a whole lot.

So journal, I guess that's my week so far in a nut shell! I want to start writing about different topics and also start posting more things on my FB Jazzy's Journal page so I can attract more followers. I am also going to start writing the first chapter of my book, I am starting this weekend and I have an idea of at least how to start. I have been talking about writing a book for so long that I think it is time to at least start it, I know it will take me a long time so I have given myself about 5 years, I hope to accomplish it before then, but I want to give myself years as the stuff I am going to write about will be really hard.

Without anything else to report, I will leave you with.....Jazzy Belle by Outkast

Tell me lies!

2022-05-02T21:10:00.000-06:00

How are thou Journal!

I've been thinking much about you in hopes of telling you lots and lots of wonderful stories but I'm afraid that my life simply isn't that marvelous! Let's see! since last I poured words on to you, there haven't been many things to report. I have been living vicariously through my son who is currently traveling all over Europe and will continue to do so for the next few months! OH! how I wish that were me! just up and go with a bag and travel all over the world! I used to always say that had I've been a man, I would likely be a wonderer sort of like the Winchester brothers or Hulk! just going from city to city finding new adventures, meeting new people and having new romances with all the beautiful women who would give me the time of day. But, I often talk to my son and when we talk he seems to be sad, like these travels don't fulfill him, so I often wonder are we (us humans) just never satisfied? it doesn't see so, I mean sure there are those few souls that are I won't say that there aren't the few genuinely happy people, but I do feel that in general for the most part we always seek more.

When I was with my ex I once told him that I always felt like there was something missing, like all the time, I often felt that there was some emptiness within me that no matter what I did it often lingered. He never could understand my true crazy, I know that he would try, but now thinking back I feel that the void I felt and still feel, is that of there is someone out there that I need to meet and some way some how this other human in some magical way will fill this void I have had in my soul for so long! OR is this void I've felt for so long simply called depression? I don't know yet, I am still working on me on discovering what is happening to me and how can I continue moving forward without completely loosing my wits!

I went to Nebraska this past weekend! I had a lovely time with one of my closest friends from NYC, she currently lives in NE and it was so great to see her and for our daughters to meet. While they are both completely different they got along really well and this really pleased me. On my way back from Nebraska I began to feel really really sad, I don't quite know why or maybe deep in my heart I do, but I'm not sure that I am ready to share why so openly. I did talk to my therapist about it today and she gave me some validation which made me feel so much better! that woman is amazing, I feel lucky to have such an amazing professional helping me through this difficult time where I don't even understand why it's so difficult! if you don't have a therapist you should get one at once!

Lastly, I was talking to my friend Lee and he was again telling me about the woman he has been seeing and all the crazy going on in his life with this woman and I just totally lost my shit and started going off about how some women where so ungrateful and how she didn't even know what she has and I almost wanted to call her and be like bitch.... are you fucking kidding me??? this woman is almost 10 years older than my friend and it blows my mind how she plays all sorts of games with his mind! like hey, if you don't want what he wants then stop leading my friend on and let him go because guess what, there are over a million women in NYC that would do ANYTHING for a man like him! I mean yes she doesn't know him like I do so obviously it's different, but I get so mad sometimes at how some women have the opportunity to have this great guy in their life and they don't appreciate it, and yet here I am I barely ask for much and I can't even find someone to be genuine with me about their intentions! UGH! makes my blood boil! Anyway, at one point I told him the least she could do is tell him a little white lie so he could at least get some closure. Yes, sometimes it's better to tell me lies I feel like, because if they are told in order to not hurt me, then sure, I'll take them! tell me sweet little lies because you appreciate me as a human and don't want to hurt my feelings!

I also went on a date! OMG! after the date I deleted Tinder! I just can't! I do not want to invest time in anyone but myself! I go and meet this 40 year old man for a beer and he tells me that him and his significant other broke up a few months ago and they still work together! OH GREAT! I would LOVE to be your rebound! ugh! I mean we had a nice time talking but to be quite honest the moment I saw him I knew that I would not go past this date, I am very shallow yes! I HAVE to feel attracted to someone to keep hanging out with them, that's just a fact! so yea, we had a pleasant time. He is a photographer and he messages me the next day and asks me if I would feel comfortable doing a nude photo shoot and he would pay me! What the actual fuck! I told him I was flattered but no thank you! I swear journal these things literally only happen to me! fuck meeting people I need to work on me, I can't deal with "getting to know" anyone right now! honestly fuck people, that's just how I'm feeling right now! bitter much Jazzy???

I will leave you with - Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac

Don't be with the boy that makes you cry!

2022-04-19T23:37:00.002-06:00

Dear Journal -

It's been a few weeks I know! I've been so busy with work last week there were a few nights I worked until really late. My friend D always makes fun of me and says things like.... Well if you didn't start working at 10 then you wouldn't have to work until 10! but the truth is that I typically start working at around 8 am and sometimes work until 10pm. I might not sit at my desk the whole time, but on average I would say I work about 60 hours a week! gotta do what you gotta do, what else can I say about that? I don't mind for the most part honestly, because I get to make my own schedule and work at my leisure and I know what I need to do and do it. I work with people and people are unpredictable so on a daily basis I don't know what I'll be walking into. Sure I can have a "plan" but sometimes my plan doesn't go as planned, so I just have to always go with the flow and do as best as I can.

So, what do I have to report journal? well, for starters, I have been talking to my friend Lee a whole lot lately! today, he got to watch as I crawled up this slippery swampy dirt trail that I had to climb in order to get out of where I was because the trail I was on, ended by the water and the only way I could get to the water was if slid down this slippery dirt steep trail, it was a whole thing and he laughed saying that I was crazy! I freaking LOVE my friends! I genuinely don't know what I would do without the amazing people I have the privilege and pleasure of knowing! Lee and I have known each other for over 10 years probably way longer than that. When I lived in NY since we worked together and most of that time I was single, I would always go to him with boy troubles. Sometimes I would call his office and be like.... Yes I'm calling for a therapy appointment can you stop by my desk at your earliest convenience? and he would come by when he could and we would gossip! and laugh a whole lot! It was awesome! I definitely miss those days!

He and I have been talking a lot lately because he is going through some stuff with someone he really cares about and I've been his shoulder and I am now the therapist which is great to be the one giving advice for once! He and I always have really great conversations and support each other through difficult times. I was telling him today that I have been crying a whole lot lately and he asked me why? and I told him that I was very confused about a situation that I thought I could handle but really quickly realized that I couldn't and that I had been feeling really down lately. I told him that there are days that I really miss my ex, because when I had him in my life and I was going through hard things, he would always hold me and let me cry on him and tell me it would be ok! He would always say, baby I got you! and just knowing that he had my back always made me feel better. Lately, I have been going through a lot and it just felt really lonely and like no one has my back, so I have been feeling really down.

My therapist asked me the other day if I knew what I wanted in a man and I told her I had never really sat down to think about it, but today while I was sitting by the water after sliding down the muddy steep trail literally on my butt, I took some time to reflect and think about what it is that I want in a man and I wrote a BUNCH of things down! I hope there is someone out there with all the requirements I put down on my list! that shit is LONG!!! ha! I think though that a major requirement is, that this person shouldn't make me cry more than he makes me laugh! and sure, I am a cry baby not gonna lie, however, if someone is constantly hurting your feelings making you feel shitty or causing you some sort of emotional turmoil, it's probably better to stay away as far away from that person as humanly possible!

I don't know journal, I just feel like I'm going through some major changes, I feel like I might be starting to (dare I say it) go through menopause YIKES! the last time I was tested for it, I was told that I wasn't yet, but that was 2 years ago, so I don't know, my emotions are like a roller coaster that has gone crazy and keeps looping! I do have to admit that most of my emotional turmoil has to do with me not knowing what it is that I truly want as far as romance is concerned, like one minute I am so happy to be single, the next I'm crying because no one has my back. I decided today after my hike that I need to make an appointment to find out if I'm dying or starting menopause because I can't live like this, it's so miserable! I don't ever get hot flashes or any of that stuff though, if anything I'm always cold! like really cold! so I don't know what is happening to me and I just wish I had someone that would hold me and say "don't worry baby, I got your back!."

I got back on dating sites and set all types of parameters on my "requirements" so I highly doubt that Mr. night in shinning armor will fall on my lap any time soon, but you never know! I always have this fantasy that I'm going to meet my next boyfriend on a trail, since I plan on doing a trail every single Sunday until it's warm enough to do another 14'er the thought of hiking 6 to 7 hours to reach the peak of a mountain gets me overly anxious but super excited! I just feel like one day I will get to the top of the mountain and there he will be! THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! maybe it's time I decide what "the man of my dreams" is to me so I can actually find him? It may be a bit hard to find something but not know what it is your a seeking! BUT fear not journal! I have at least created a LONG list! cause you have to start somewhere!!!

I guess even with all these emotionally draining days that I have been going through as of late, I can honestly say that I am pretty happy all in all! I want a boyfriend, but I don't NEED one, so in the meantime I guess I just have to continue to enjoy dating, maybe actually go on dates, get some free meals, remind myself not to talk with my mouth full during the date and enjoy this spring and summer as much as I can!

Oh, one last thing journal, one of the trainers at my boxing club is HOT!! no like for real HOT! I decided never to take his class again because the few times he's come to me to like spot me (I think that is the term) I get so nervous and I feel really awkward! I don't typically crush over anyone, BUT...I looked up his bio on the website for our gym and found out that not only is he HOT but he is also highly educated and probably super nerdy! OMG!!! smart, nerdy men make me go crazy!

without anything else to report..... I will leave you with..

Pretty Brown Eyes - By Mint Condition

Sexual escapade

2022-04-02T13:19:00.006-06:00

Dear Journal -

It's been a really weird week! First, we got back from Hawaii and I was so tired for like 2 days straight and felt so off that it was just plain weird! the difference in time is 4 hours so my body felt like it was early, but in reality it wasn't, I hate feeling jet lagged. Besides that, I started officially working in an office after two years and that felt off as well. I will only be working 2 days a week in an office, Wednesday's and Friday's, but still, I just don't really get what the point of it is. The two days I was there I felt like I couldn't get anything done because all we kept doing was talking and sure, some of those conversations were work related, but on those two days I came home and worked late because I never did what I had to while I was there. It was really cool to see my co-workers though! they bring me so much joy, I truly appreciate the people in my team. The other thing is, I don't technically have like a "work schedule" so on those two days I can also come and go as I need and typically, I'm all over the place driving back and forth. So it's not horrible, but it was just weird to have to get up and shower and get dressed for work as typically, unless I have to be out, I'm in a tee and sweat pants or something.

I am a social worker and unless you are in my field of work, there isn't really a way to explain what we go through. I often think, if I don't do it, then who will? I love/hate it all at the same time. I LOVE kids though and I love teens and so I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. There are days that feel really rewarding! I won't get too much into my work but the other morning, I woke up to a text from one of the moms that I work with (I work with teens) and obviously I have to be in communication with moms and dads. The day before this txt, had been a really rough one for that family and of course, because they were going through it, it was MY FAULT! to a certain extent, she was a bit mean to me and just took out all her frustration on me, understanding that I can't take these things personal, I kind of just responded to her with things that needed to be said and disregarded everything else as I know that this woman goes through so much with her child. Anyway, I wake up and the text read "If I haven't told you, I want you to know that you are greatly appreciated, thank you for all that you do." This text made me very emotional, because that was one of the nicest things I have heard in a while! Sometimes I wonder, what is it that I do? because I get so lost in this work that I just do, it's non stop action and non stop stuff going on, but it's ok, I GOT THIS!

Journal, I want to tell you about something that happened maybe a month ago or so and I'm going to try to I don't know, tell this story with the least possible details I can because I don't know who ready this journal and I don't want someone that knows the person I'm going to be writing about, to figure it out. Ok, about 6 years ago I worked at a company that was primarily men (I LOVED THAT JOB!) not only because my boss was awesome, but because I was single and there was eye candy every single day! funny thing about it though is, that I never dated or like did anything with any of them, as I was very well respected by all the men that worked there as well as well some were married had girlfriends whatever, still, it was fun! since I was single, obviously I would flirt a bit, I was always showered with compliments and let's just say it was a fun work environment in a respectful way. Obviously, I had my 3 or 4 for a lack of better term "favorite eye candies" but again, nothing ever happened with anyone.

Fast forward to almost two years ago (when I moved back to CO from OR) I got on Snapchat and started adding people, one whom was one of the gentlemen I worked with, he is in his late 30,s and since I've known him he has always been married, so while I always thought he was HOT! I NEVER EVER allowed myself to even think "naughty thoughts" about him. He and I would often have long conversations and laugh so much and just talk about random shit whenever we saw each other (I guess it's important to note that while there were a lot of men, they worked out in the field so I wouldn't see them everyday, it was random). So he's like Jazz, is that you? and I'm like oh shit!!!! how are you? so we start chit chatting and one conversation leads to another and all of a sudden, we are revealing to each other that we always had a "thing" for each other! then he tells me that him and his wife have had an open relationship for many years, but he never approached me because he didn't think I would be interested and in my mind I'm like.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! damn I'm good at hiding my lust! the only thing now is, that he no longer lives in CO, him and his family moved to the east coast and he got a new career. I don't want to specify what it is, but he now wears a uniform and OH MY GOD!!!! You don't even know journal! I honestly think he could be a model, and a few of my friends agreed, especially in his uniform! he works out so his body is CRAZY! and he is well, let's just say his wife is ONE LUCKY LADY!

Ok, so I need to back track a little because during the time he and I have been communicating, we talk about random things, he tells me stuff going on with him, I tell him stuff going on with me and sure, ever so often we will have conversations that are sexual in nature, but I for a really long time kept those to a minimum because I was kind of sort of let's use the term he used "kicking it" with this other man and I would feel bad to have like "naughty conversations" because it would feel as if I were cheating, which is so dam ridiculous because in reality, I didn't owe this man who I was "kicking it with" a damn thing!

About a month ago, I knew that my friend from the east coast was going to go down to Miami for a long weekend and he was going with friends, when he gets there, he sends me a message and says.... Jazz, come to Miami and hang out with me this weekend, I will buy you the ticket! YO! you have NO IDEA journal, how hard it was for me, to have said no! Part of me was like, what if he and his wife aren't in an open relationship? but mainly, I kept thinking, I cannot go there and be with him and then come back and look at the person who I'm "kicking it with" without feeling tremendously guilty! I kept asking my friends like what should I do? and they are all like, are you fucking serious??? you are going to pass Miami on with a hot ass dude for someone who you are only "kicking it with?" wtf is wrong with you? My sexual non emotional carnal side of me kept saying...... get your ass on a plane NOW! my emotional, dumb, I care for this person and just would feel really bad about it side of me was like..... Is it worth it? the way I will feel when I get back and eventually go hang out with this man I've hung out with at that point like almost a year and be comfortable with myself knowing that I spent a whole weekend sleeping with someone else? I couldn't do it and all I could think of was I can't believe I feel so loyal to this individual who isn't my boyfriend, what the fuck is wrong with meSo?? After deciding not to go to Miami on a sexual escapade with a hotty with a body for the weekend, I felt good, especially because when I hung out with this other person, I felt good that I could be near him and not feel like I had done anything behind his back and sure, I could have done it and then told him about it and used the excuse of, well, we are not a couple and I can do whatever I want, but to be honest I felt at that point also that I was starting to develop feelings for this person and I didn't want to ruin what could potentially eventually be something meaningful, for a few nights in the beautiful city of Miami with a hottie with a body! UGH! I'm so dumb!!! The worst part is, that things didn't work out between me and this person I was loyal too, so now, all I can think of is........ I can't believe I gave up a Miami trip for you! I was depriving myself of having a great time with someone I've known for YEARS, who is really funny, so much fun and HOT AF! for not a fucking thing! and with that, I decided that I will never be loyal to someone who hasn't given me a place in their life ever ever ever again! and also, FUCK my loyalty and feelings! who the fuck needs them!

Sure, this man (the one that wanted me to meet him in Miami) and I, still communicate but we don't really have the opportunity of hanging out and this was sort of a unique opportunity to get to hang out with no limits of what we could have done! UGH! the more I think about it, the angrier at myself I get! When I told him no, I let him know that part of the reason was I didn't want to take a long flight across the country on such short notice and also, I didn't want to because I would feel guilty. He knew all about the guy I was "kicking it with" and he was like, I bet that dude doesn't even know how lucky he is! Then the other day I was talking to him and told him that I was no longer seeing that guy and he was like... Jazzy, that guy is such a dumb ass! he has no idea what an amazing woman he let slip through his fingers! He then reminded me that this is exactly why I should enjoy my life and not be loyal to anyone until they give me a real place in their life. He's a good friend and I have a lot of respect for him and who knows, maybe one day we will finally have our night together or maybe, he will always just be a fantasy in my mind. Regardless, I definitely learned a valuable lesson of...... You aren't with someone until you ARE with someone! live your life and enjoy the opportunities you get.

I feel like men can easily do stuff like that, like seeing one woman and going off and having an adventure with another like it ain't no thing! women typically don't, well not all women, but this woman right here, I am just not made that way and in a way I hate it so much sometimes because I get stuck on stupid! but also, my body is my temple and I don't want to share it with more than one person at a time, it's just not my thing!

I'll leave you with..... More - Zion and Ken-Y

Jazzy.... The truth shall set you free!

2022-03-28T22:34:00.004-06:00

Dear Journal -

I originally wrote this post on my phone on 3/20. I had been meaning to post it but had not had a chance. I went on vacation to Hawaii and it was truly lovely! It was so nice to spend some time with my two kids and really missed my oldest son who was not able to join us. I really liked Hawaii and I may go back one day to a different Island (I went to Honolulu) but it was quite pricey. I also have been to other beautiful islands one which is in Colombia, where I could enjoy the same type of things, but way cheaper. Non the less, I don't regret my trip! I have wanted to go to Hawaii ever since I can remember knowing about it, which I want to say was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, that is a pretty long time! I would always say, that one day I would have my honeymoon in Hawaii! well, I didn't have a honeymoon in Hawaii, but that is ok! because I had a lovely time with the people I love most in this world!

Anyway, on Sunday, 3/20 I wrote the following post. Let's say, I was feeling a lot of things on that day, one of those feelings was disappointment and hurt and maybe a little deceived. I was flooded with so many emotions, so I did what I do when I need to release all those thing, I grabbed my phone and wrote!

Sometimes you tell yourself lies to stay in situations you know aren’t right or you know that you aren’t being treated right because I don’t know, sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself than to be brutally honest with ourselves because the truth can often be pretty scary or very hurtful. A lot of times, you see things clearly or the signs are very clear, but you can't handle the truth because you want so bad in your heart to believe that people's intentions are as genuine as yours, or that people are not out to hurt you. While I have very serious deep trust issues (which I will be working on with my therapist) sometimes, I believe that people are out to get me and it isn't my fault and I don't do it on purpose, but in my heart and soul, this is what I believe and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to live with this constant fear and constantly talk yourself through it because it is almost an impediment to my happiness and it causes me so much anxiety and pain and it is the hardest thing to live with!

Journal, I told you I got a new therapist on my last post, I knew that I needed to work through some things and that I was really struggling, so I finally made the call and made the appointment and started my sessions. It is also part of my love myself March! She is not just a therapist she is actually a Dr. therefore, she has expertise in certain mental health disorders, I have only met with her 2X and I can already tell that she knows her stuff! she’s pretty amazing in those two meetings, I have already gained a wealth of knowledge!

The other day I was talking to her about a situation where I was feeling used and just felt like I wasn’t being treated the way that I wanted and deserved, not because this individual was doing anything mean or anything like that, but because I had repeatedly asked this person for one very what I thought was a simple thing and I just wasn't getting it. I told her about the situation, I told her that there was an individual I have always been really honest and sincere with, I have always tried my best to keep this situation in a place where I can control my emotions about it (well maybe not in the beginning as I would often be pretty mean) but since the beginning of this year I had been working on trying really hard to be honest with myself as well as this person because I feel very connected to this individual.

I guess I can say that since this person and I started to hang out together, I've always asked for the same thing over and over again, which has basically been, I need better communication between us, however, no matter in which way I have asked, my request has fallen upon death ears. So I was telling my therapist the story and after I told her this I began to justify why maybe this person didn't communicate with me the way I wanted and as I was coming up with a million different reason why I thought this person was doing this, she stopped me and asked me, what is true about this you just told me? What is true about this situation? For a moment, I felt really sad and I had to stop for a second and hold back my tears as I had to be honest to myself and to her. My response to her was, "the truth is, this person doesn’t care enough to do what I’m asking" and with that my heart dropped and my tears rolled down my eyes, because I had to say it out loud and that truth really hurt me! The truth is this person doesn't want to communicate with me, because there have been times that this person has no trouble doing so, but it is usually done, when this person feels like it. I also told her that it is my experience that when someone genuinely likes you, they want to talk to you, so you don’t even have to ask for it, and yet, I’ve asked time after time and nothing ever changed.

After having this realization and finishing my session with her I kept asking myself what is true about this situation with this person, and the more I thought about what was true the more I felt sad and the more I felt used and the more I felt deceived and the more I saw the reality that has been in front of me for months! I had just literally mentioned to this person a few days before writing this post, that this is what I needed and 3 days had gone by and I had not even gotten a "hey, how was your day" and the one time I reached out to this person because they were like, well you can reach out to me too, I barely got a response like I don't know 8 hours later maybe. The thing is, that I know this person well enough to know now, that when this person feels like it, they respond, they reach out, but mostly it's when it's a means to an end, in other words, we are going to see each other and hang out, other than that, this person just doesn't have time for me. So I guess, I need to remove this option from his life, because well, I am pretty darn awesome and anyone who has the privilege of partaking in my life, should want to know how I'm doing all the time, the fact that I had to keep asking for this, makes me feel so stupid! I feel like I have been begging for someone's affection, because this someone says they care about me! and I'm sure that they do care about me, I'm not saying this person is doing things on purpose to hurt me, but I think this person cares about me as a person, not in a romantic way the way I care about them.

As part of love myself March, I had told myself that I needed to not just state that I love myself but really mean it! Truly hold myself and tell myself that I’m worth it! That I’m a pretty cool woman to have around, that I’m honest and loving and caring and that I don’t play with anyone or try to be malicious or lead anyone on, I try to be true to people and myself. I feel that I did just that during the whole time that this person and I were hanging out. From day 1 I was honest. I felt that this person was not honest with me though. I’m sure this person enjoyed my company and that it was cool having me around but I don't think this person has been true to themselves or me, with their true intentions and actually, we spoke and this person called me their escape. Yup, that is what every woman wants! to be someone's escape!

So I finally decided that I couldn’t continue to lie to myself about something I already know. I am not mad at this individual, but I am sad, because I feel that I have been led on by this individual for a really long time and at one point I didn't care so much, but when I'm calling someone who I'm not in a relationship with and asking them where they were as if I am owed an explanation, all of a sudden I'm my own red flag! I literally called this individual and without a thought, the words came out of my mouth and as they were coming out, all I could think of was...... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I MY WORLD!!!!

This individual and I had literally had a conversation about this same exact thing not even two weeks before, where this individual apologized to me saying that we should be communicating more so that there are no like, weird feelings where I'm thinking things that are not true, like just having this mutual respect for one another because whether we are in a relationship or not, there are feelings involved and you just don't go around treating people like they don't matter! so yea, maybe I am not the right person for this individual and it is such a bummer! I have to admit I have been feeling really down about all of this, but at least now I know, what is true!

As much as my heart aches at least I am being true to myself and I am not allowing for someone to continue to play with my emotions and drag me along to continue to be their escape until which time they find whatever it is they are truly seeking for out there! to bad it wasn't me! is it their loss? is it my loss? I don't know, all I know is that it's hard to have this person in my life and maybe even harder not too! I can't make up my mind. But I do know this, I deserve someone that knows that I'm the person they want to message everyday to see how I'm doing, I deserve to be treated with love and treated like a queen! because I am a queen! I take care of the people that matter to me, and I want to feel that I matter to someone enough for them to take care of me too! so yea journal, sad end to the month of March!

I think for the month of April, I will continue to practice loving myself and staying true to myself, I got on dating sites again but inactivated them because one person doesn't replace another, I need to heal a little from this experience as it has taken a toll on me, I guess I can say this person was my rebound and I don't want to find a rebound to get over my rebound, that just seems ridiculous! I want to take care of Jazzy, so that if and when the right person comes along, I am not the hot mess writing this post.

The end.....

I will leave you with...... Sia - Elastic Heart

The Weekend.....I feel it coming.....

Sent from Jazzy’s iPhone

I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you!

2022-03-18T23:33:00.003-06:00

Dear journal -

The month of March has been pretty cool thus far! Work has been steady with no major crazy happenings, I've been working on my diet, I have been doing yoga and I've been working on taking care of my kid that I really have been struggling with. I have raised two young men, but I they were pretty chill compared to my daughter! Girls are tough, especially when they have your character and drive! it's been really different and I've learned so much.

I started doing a 30 day yoga challenge called 30 days of Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, she is a lovely woman and I really enjoy watching her yoga classes. I tried to be consistent with the days, but I have not been able to stay consistent with the daily practice for various reasons. I won't get into the reasons as they are not important, but basically, I feel that as long as I continue to do the practice in order even if it isn't consecutive, then at least I'm not giving up! The only one I have to prove anything to is myself so I'm not in some sort of competition where I have to prove anything to anyone. With all of that being said, it's nice to continue to try and not give up which is what I don't want.

So, what's with the title of this blog post you ask? well, let me start by saying that anytime I have been single, there has definitely been this occurrence in my life that happens over and over again and that is, the one guy that likes you, they enjoy spending time with you, but they don't quite know what to do with you! you know that guy I am talking about right? the one that doesn't want to share you, but doesn't really want to be with you in a way that is clear that you are the person they really want to be with. Years ago, maybe when I first started writing this journal, the same thing would often happen to me, I think back then I didn't quite get it, I guess I sort of cared but not really, but now, I think I do understand it a bit better. What I understand, is that people are usually confused or scared or always thinking that by some miracle of God, they are going to meet some magical creature also known as a woman, who will be fulfilling their every need, except that is just a myth we all have in our minds! sometimes I feel like open relationships can be rewarding based on this idea that no one person can meet all of your needs, and therefore, being able to have more than one partner in any capacity can possibly be fulfilling. I don't really know that I could do it as when I fall in love with someone, I am very passionate and loyal and the thought of being with anyone else automatically leaves my mind.

I recently started working with a new therapist and it has been really good! I feel like I found someone who is knowledgeable and can help me work through things that I need to in order to feel mentally well. Our minds are so powerful, it's important to learn how to control your thoughts so that they aren't always running away with ideas and things that don't serve you well! sometimes my mind goes on tangents that I don't understand or feel that it's productive, my mind causes me to feel anxiety and so it's in those moments that I realize that working through things with someone is a healthy way of getting those thoughts out of my head and talk about them as that is what my mind needs, it needs to release things that weigh heavy on me. I highly recommend therapy! I had been procrastinating on getting someone new, but I think I found someone that can really help me through the every day struggles of life! Everyday, is a new opportunity to get mentally healthy, every day, is a new opportunity to be ok with life, with the things we can't control, with living as best we can.

I don't have much more to share journal, so I will leave you with this...... Life is short, live it as best you can, make every moment special, make memories with the important people in your life! be grateful for the wonderful things that you have and ask for whatever your heart desires!

Love Myself March!

2022-03-03T20:22:00.002-07:00

Dearest journal-

It has been way to long since I've last visited you and everyday, there is always some sort of excuse I guess, that keeps me from coming on to this page and putting down some thoughts! Sure, there is always some sort of even small event that happens in my life, but I just don't feel that the small events that have occurred in my life lately, are major enough to report and while I do want to bring news of some sort to these pages, I just don't want to bring any sort of boring news, I want them to be exciting, fun and if nothing else, amusing!

Lately things have gone ok with life in general, I've been having tons of work which keeps me very busy and I always have plans usually every weekend because I like to enjoy life as much as I can. Most recently, my teenage daughter and I have been learning to me ski her snowboard, it has definitely been a new exciting challenge that her and I have taken on that is super fun! I have to report that I have only fallen once and that was when I was getting off the lift because I got off wrong and ended up on the floor, other than that, we have been skiing down the beginner slopes which are always super fun! I am constantly in awe of how many people are there with their little ones teaching them how to ski! it's mind blowing to see these little ones in these tiny skis coming down a mountain! amazing!!! honestly, seeing all these little kids is one of my favorite parts about going skiing! the place I go to is very family friendly, the youngest little skier I've met so far is 2 years old!!!! 2! he barely just started walking and already in skis! cutest thing EVA!!!

So March is now here and I kept thinking that almost every month I have been trying to do something productive or at the very least find something to stick too, like for instance, in November I had decided it would be no sweets November which ended in half a month no sweets November because I failed that miserably! to my defense, it was probably the worst month to take on something like not eating sweets, as it is the month everyone is preparing for chowing down some delicious food! anyway, I don't ever get to down about not succeeding in something, what I do instead is say to myself "at least you tried!" so, I will try again on a different occasion. The good thing is that I have done all these challenges in the past and actually followed through, it's just that lately I do lack the motivation to stick to things, I just don't want to put in so much work on things such as being mindful not to stick a piece of candy in my mouth or buy some ice cream at McDonald's which is SO GOOD! but, I will do it one of these months I PROMISE JOURNAL!

This month I decided that I wanted to do "love myself March!" so, what does that mean you ask journal? Well, for starters I have written here so many times that I am a giver, I give, give and give until I can't give no more and then I'm resentful when no one gives me, so I decided that this month instead of giving everyone else, instead, I'm going to start by giving me! giving myself some love every morning when I wake up by doing the 30 days of yoga challenge, giving myself by making all the medical appointments I constantly say I have to go on, giving myself or actually going to get myself a manicure pedicure (which I NEVER DO!) I always just do my own nails as I feel that I rather spend 60 dollars on something else because there are so many other things I can do with 60 bucks! but this month I'm going to "splurge" I will be getting a mani-pedi doing my hair, getting a facial anything I can do to take care of me! Ms. Jazzy!

Lately I have been feeling pretty happy with life in general, I almost want to say that I attribute that to the fact that I am no longer in love! I feel this weird sense of freedom! like I've been untied from the restraints of love! Sure, love is a wonderful amazing thing with you share it with someone that is reciprocating and you have a healthy loving thing with, but if that is not the case, then it becomes like an impediment to happiness! lately I just feel so free that my heart does not belong to anyone, I feel so happy that I don't care about it anymore, that I'm not thinking about this one specific person 24/7 that I don't have to worry about someone else's life but my own. Do I want to ever fall in love again? maybe one day I don't know, but I'm going to be very very picky as to whom I give my heart to, because I think I am pretty damn awesome and I shouldn't go around giving my heart to just anyone! I am single and am ok with it and it feels amazing and I feel amazing and it has taken me a long long time after my last break up to get to this place! so I am grateful to the universe and God!

So yes! Love Myself March is all about me! I cried to my friend the other day telling her that I had noticed that I take care of everyone and who takes care of Jazzy? absolutely NO ONE! so I have to take care of Jazzy because if I don't love myself, then who will? I love that I'm finding my center and feeling empowered and free and amazing! I can't complain journal, life is just as it should be!

I will leave you with.....Can't stop the feeling - Justin Timberlake

The death threat!

2022-02-15T22:04:00.003-07:00

Dear Journal -

How the hell are you? holy shit! it's been almost 3 weeks since I've last visited you and I feel a bit ashamed! I promise I have thought about you and written journals in my head time and time again, but for some reason, it's been hard to find the actual time to sit and write and to be quite honest, there isn't anything too exciting to report, so there hasn't been anything like meaningful or big enough to share! What can I say, my life isn't that exciting!

Let's see, I finally finished reading the book why men love bitches and I really liked the ending of the book because by the ending of the book, the author talks about the things women do when they are married or in long term committed relationships that really start to turn their man off or sort of makes that relationship like I don't know, start to look like a mother child type relationship if that makes sense. I really enjoyed reading about this because I never thought of it that way, like she talks about how our nagging starts to make us look motherly and therefore no longer attractive to our significant other! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I never want that to happen to me in some future relationship! so note to self, no nagging in the future! When I wrote about the book I had not finished it and I was a little bitter about the games she suggests we need to play, but in reality, as hard as you try not to play games you end up having to because men just really love them! they say they don't, but they really do and that is all I'm going to say about that!

Last Friday was my exe's bday, I tried really hard all day long not to think about it and then at like 7 or 8 o'clock, I did what I had told myself I wouldn't do, I finally sent him a message and all it said was.... Happy Bday. I know that it doesn't seem like much or anything wrong with it, but I wished him well although on my bday his message to me was "I hope you die bitch" I don't want to really expose much of him on here because it isn't my place to talk badly about another human being, but I just want to say that he was not like this at all when I met him and I never ever thought that in the end of it all, he would turn into such a vicious angry toward me person, you would think I did something horrible to him like cheat on him for months with his best friend or something crazy like that. Actually in the end he sort of left me so I just want to say on here journal that if I am ever in a relationship again, I hope to be with someone that understands that I want to write about us on my journal because I think it will be important to not only write about the bad things but also write about the good! Like for instance, my ex was a very thoughtful gift giver, he always gave me really nice things and had a reason behind what he gave me and I promise you that he isn't a bad person and no matter what mean shit he says about me now and no matter how much it still hurts me that he does, I will never sit here and write horrible things about another human being, I just don't know how to do that!

Anyway, I woke up this morning to a message from a mutual friend of ours, telling me that he had spoken to my ex and that my ex had said "if I ever see that bitch I will kill her" What the actual fuck! he also said a bunch of other mean things that I won't bother writing about, but when I read that stuff I tried to really not care about it, but later on while I was driving I couldn't help but to cry because the truth is that sticks and stones will break my bones but I rather a broken bone than those mean words that come out of his mouth toward me. I am not scared that he would actually kill me, but would he? I mean he lives in another state so I'm not to worried but WOW! how can so much love turn to so much hate? Our mutual friend actually defended me and told him that he was going to far saying that stuff and his responds was something to the affect of fuck that narcissistic bitch! now there is something I've never been called before! That is definitely a first!

Journal, his words truly hurt me deeply but there is good to all of this and that is that I don't think I am in love with him anymore which feels very freeing! for the first time in a long time I just don't feel any sort of deep emotions for anyone at all and sure I do like someone romantically actually I like two men romantically, but there is a big difference between like and like a lot or love! Like I feel free from the constraints of having romantic feelings toward anyone and my fear of ever loving again or getting emotionally attached to anyone is only growing by the day and I just feel so happy and free in the sense that nothing anyone does will affect me, I'm busy doing me! and I am busy taking care of mine and I don't have time to invest in people that don't have time to invest in me.

One thing I am learning is that I'm such a giver and holding back is really hard for me however I've been doing really good with that, and I am really proud of myself for it, like I won't give until I receive and I am not only talking about material things, actually I'm not talking about material things at all, I'm talking about my energy, my time, my emotions, my affection. I wait to receive and then I give and that is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but there comes a time when you just have to step back and watch people's actions and pay attention to their intentions and really think about who you are giving yourself too. What I have seen is that no one at the moment is worthy of my love, no one at the moment is showing me anything that I want to see, no one at the moment is even close to getting all of me and that's ok, because I'm not desperately seeking to give it to anyone anyway!

I got off of dating sites but plan to get back on them soon, I just needed a break from liars and users and fakes and people that just suck my energy! but I have to get back on them for you journal, because you are worth it!

Ta ta!

I will leave you with.... Halsey - Without Me....

What's your DASH?

2022-01-25T19:43:00.001-07:00

What is your dash?

1/25/22

Dear Journal, I wrote the blog post below on my flight to Miami on Friday, January 21st. I always write a post on my flights when I'm going somewhere! anyway, I let my daughter read it after I wrote it and she was not too happy about my ending, because she said I was "jinxing the flight" I told her that you have to take chances and write things to make things exciting! I also know I will die an old lady on my bed and by old I mean nearing my 100 years old! So I'm not tripping!

I got off the tinder app, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and truly depressed by talking to a bunch of random dudes that are all looking for the same thing, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again no matter what the age was! I felt like I needed a break to be honest, I've been hustling trying to get FB page likes for a while and it feels like a lot of work, and I've matched with over a thousand men and the most depressing part about the whole thing was that not even ONE caught my attention in any meaningful way! like I said, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again! I need a break but I shall return eventually! without further a do.... below is my blog post.

Dear Journal -

A few months ago we were doing a class for youth regarding gun violence. As part of the class, we had different people present specifically about their experiences with gun violence and one of the individuals talked about his jail time and how that had changed him forever. This individual had been in and out of jail and then prison from the time he was 13 or so, at present he is in his late 30’s and finally decided that he wanted to turn his life around. While he was talking about his experiences he said that when he is gone from this world, he wants to leave it better not worse and so he had decided to change “his dash.”

I’ve heard this expression before, the expression “what will be your dash.” The dash refers to your life, when we die, our tomb stone typically has date of birth a dash and date of death. The dash are all the years in between, our lives.

When I was very young I feared death tremendously, the thought of it was terrifying! I was even more fearful about it when my kids were small because I would always think, if I left them now, who would care for them and love them the way that I do! As my kids have gotten older, my fear has also lessened, mainly because I don’t fear leaving them anymore, meaning they can all pretty much care for themselves at the very least able to specify their basic needs.

But, what is my dash? How would I describe myself if I were in a room full of people talking about Jazzy! Who am I? Some days I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I want to be, and others…. No clue! Why is it so hard for one to make decisions, is it just me? Am I the only human that struggles back and forth about so many different things. I try to live as present as possible and try and catch myself when I find my mind drifting to a distant future I know nothing about, sometimes I feel reckless and uncaring, other I feel centered, loving and caring. It’s so hard to really sum my life up in one blog post, but one thing I can say about my dash is this….

For the most part I’ve lived pretty fearlessly, I’ve lived my life the best that I can. I’ve been through so much and have learned so much in the process, I believe that growth is a never ending thing and that everyone who crosses your path has a reason why they crossed it! This can be friends, lovers and anyone you sit next to somewhere one day randomly and have some sort of meaningful conversation with, you can also learn from. I hate people for the most part but love them even more! Everyone is living an internal struggle! Even those that look like they have it all put together there is some shit going on inside them they just know how to play it off right!

I’ve lived in different states and even a different country and humans are fundamentally the same. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, respected and loved! Life is really hard but there are always memorable moments that make it so worth living!

So, what is my dash? Thus far, my dash is that if I die today during this landing in Miami, I’ve lived and loved with so much fear but non at all! I give my all and always try to do my best…. That’s all I have for you journal! I hope that when the day comes where someone is readying what they wrote about me, and about my dash, they will find fun, funny and happy memories about my dash!

I leave you with..... Stevie Wonder - I just called to say I love you....

No email, no call, no txt no nothing!

2022-01-18T22:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Journal -

Just when you think you are free and the pain is gone, you wake up one morning looking at your phone wondering when that message will come! at this point I don't even know what I want the message to say, but I just wonder if it will ever come at all. I then try to understand why after all this time, I'm still waiting for something like magical to happen or like some I don't know event that will change it all and yet it doesn't happen, nothing has happened, nothing will happen because he's my past and I need to let it go!

Last night I was reminded of the true events of my last relationship, I was reminded that I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have anything to regret, that I had done the right thing! I think I am stuck in this place called first impressions! When we meet someone for the first time in any sort of capacity in our lives, our machines also known as our brains, start to look for other things that are like this person in front of us so that it can make sense of it, we compartmentalize things in different categories so that we always have like a reference guide to make sense of things. That is called the first impression, that instant when you make a decision about a person that you truly know nothing about, but has made some sort of impression on you whether it's good or bad it's made. I am stuck on all the first impressions from the person that I thought I was over but clearly still love, I can't stop thinking of all the good and I feel stuck because for a long time I couldn't stop thinking of all the bad! I thought of all the bad so that I could let him go and move on, but the more I meet new people, the more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced that I will never feel the way I did about him for anyone else, like his shoes are hard to fill! My first impression of him is my standard and the standard is pretty high!

Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made me feel like I was, I don't think any man has ever made me feel as wanted and needed and loved the way he did, sometimes part of me feels like I was a little obsessed with him, because I always felt that I could never get enough of him and like he couldn't get enough of me! I remember there were times that I would look out the window a million times waiting for him to come home and then when I would see the lights from his car reflect in my apartment (our parking spot was right in front of our door) I would run to the door and wait for him so I could jump on him and shower him with my love! No fear! I could give him me with no fear! now, I fear every single decision about anything that has to do with a man. Every time I want to do something nice for someone I question it and hold back and it's always this like battle inside of me like.... Well, what has this person done for you to go and give them you? It's pretty depressing to be honest and I just don't know how I will ever be ok and open to give anyone me again!

The worst thing is that other days I'm like..... I am going to give without fear! but that is far from the truth and everything I give takes a lot of effort and a lot of anxiety! I don't have the capacity to create a new future in my mind with anyone but myself, so that is what I need to do, continue to be by myself, keep taking care of me and my emotions and my health and forget about it all and just truly let go, because I feel like doing that will allow the right person to come into my life! Because all that comes into my life is just as or if not more broken than I am! which makes me even more confused more anxious and more scared! If the right person stepped into my life tomorrow, I would likely fuck it all up, because this hot mess right here right now, I don't think anyone can handle!

So every night before I go to sleep, I look at my phone and check my email and look for his name, but it's never there and I miss him so much! and I won't write because I will likely not get a response, but I miss him so much, because I'm stuck in this time capsule of the beginning when he treated me like a queen, when I was everything to him, and now I might no longer exist in his memory but here I am typing this journal and crying like a baby. I feel so down and the fact that people never seem to know what they want with me, makes me even more down and makes me more depressed because I don't want to be in this place again, this place of uncertainty of not knowing where I stand in people's lives. This place where everything is scary! why did it have to be this way journal? why?

No emails, no calls, no texts, no nothing!

The other day I saw him!!!!

2022-01-13T23:10:00.013-07:00

Dear journal -

The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger. Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?

I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them. But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded. In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.

He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT!

Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more. I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!

So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind. One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!

However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).

I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!

The man from B5
By: Jazzy
Originally written on July 3, 2013
The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry...
And on that last night there could be no good bye. For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be.
And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made. That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me!
And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together. He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool. Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me.
And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips.
And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me!
I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you

You talk about marriage ALOT!

2022-01-10T23:20:00.003-07:00

Dear Journal -

It is 2022 and that means that it is a new year and a new opportunity to be great! or at least, tell yourself that you are stronger than you think! well, at least that's what I tell myself! I have had you for 11 years now! I never thought that 11 years later I would still be here, writing these words that mean nothing to some, but everything to me.

So I have a little story to tell you journal. The other day I was talking to someone and he told me that he felt that I talked about marriage a lot, when he told me this, I was really taken aback, like HOLY SHIT DUDE! I talk about a ton of shit but all you ever heard was me telling you that one day I want to get married? that's crazy! This comment definitely made me realize that men have selective listening or that they only pick up subtle cues of what a woman is telling them or only hear what they want to. Immediately when he told me that I found myself defending myself and telling him that the reason why I talked about marriage so much lately or I guess since I met him, is because I was supposed to be married right now, I was engaged and instead of getting married we broke up and that was really hard for me, I never thought that I would be naked on a bed with another man explaining to him why I spoke about marriage so much! I thought that I would be naked with one man only for the rest of my life!

After I had this conversation with him, it left me thinking about marriage and why was it that I was talking about it so much, like even when I was with my good friends this past summer, I told them that one day I would like to get married again, immediately, two of the three, the two that aren't married, told me they would never get married, that was far from their mind. I told them, that it made me sad that people felt this way these days, like everyone walks around with this fear of the most normal thing that can happen between two people that love, honor and respect one another. But maybe, the problem is that no one loves, honors or respects anyone these days, everyone is all about open relationships, open marriages and this world just seems chaotic and crazy, love rarely exists anymore. What happened to love? why is everyone always so scared?

Logically I had to sit down and do some real soul searching, was I thinking about marriage because I was supposed to get married and didn't, or was I thinking about marriage because I want a life partner, or was I thinking about marriage because that is what deep in my heart I truly want? After lots of thought, I realized this. When I first met my ex fiancé, I had been divorced for about 7 years at the time. He was a lot younger than I am, so honestly I never even thought I would love him, let alone imaging marrying him one day! when I met him, although I thought I was this happy woman that had it all figured out because I had been single for so long that I had single down pack! I didn't need ANYONE! then along he came, I remember always being like.... I will NEVER get married FUCK THAT! I literally would tell him this! at the time, he would just stay quiet and never really said much about it, yet unbeknownst to me, he had his own plan, and maybe at the time that plan didn't include me, but part of his plan was that he wanted to be married by the time he was 30.

Thinking back at all of this, it makes sense that he had these plans. He grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved each other and had been married for over 30 years, he grew up in an environment where marriage was OK where marriage was encouraged and marriage was thought of as a wonderful thing. Actually, his mom once asked me why weren't we married? when she asked me I was so shaken up, I almost didn't know what to answer! by this time, he and I had been living together for over 2 years, so the question made perfect sense. Meanwhile, here I was the bitter about marriage bitch, talking about.... I will NEVER get married. I loved him more than life and I couldn't fathom the thought of him not being in my life! yet the thought of marriage was still the furthest thing from my mind, I was still like...FUCK THAT! but why? why was I so bitter? I now realize that I was so bitter because I was allowing past bad experiences dictate my future! Because I had never truly healed from those bad experiences. Why do we all do this? why is life so scary?

As time started passing and I started falling in love with him more and more each day, and we started building a home together, all of a sudden things in my mind began to change, all of a sudden, love was an amazing thing again, he showed me what it looks like when a man loves a woman, truly loves a woman, he loved me and took care of me and always had my back. On another occasion, we had broken up for about 2 months, he even left the state when we did. I was completely devastated and yet, somehow we found our way back to each other, when he came back home, he was like.... Maybe we should get engaged or something, at that time, I was still like.... WTF! why do we need to do that? still, the bitter bitch couldn't fathom the thought of marriage. Someway some how, as time continued to go on the more I loved him the more I started to paint a picture in my mind of the idea of marriage. Then finally I told him that I would be ok with marrying him. It took him 4 years to make me believe that marriage was wonderful and that with the right person, you could build a world that only the two of you would share! granted, my story ended with a break up instead of a wedding, but he left behind a believer, a believer in love and a believer that I deserve all of that, marriage all of it! and that I don't or won't apologize for it and that I shouldn't have to and that if people are to scared to be happy that's not my problem!

So I guess where I'm at now with the marriage topic is this. I am not on the "hunt" for a husband, I told my friend the other day that in my life I had been engaged 4x and married 2x and while non of it was successful, I didn't care, because if I die tomorrow, I already did all of that. But the point is, that to me marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper, I always think of marriage the way my two gay friends who's wedding I officiated but not really (they are not legally married) got "married." They love one another and in front of the people they love, they shared vows with each other to tell the world that they were devoted to one another, that they would be there for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times until death do's them part! I LOVE THAT! why don't I deserve a wonderful man that will want to love, honor and respect me for as long as he lives? why should I be bitter about marriage ever again? My new attitude about marriage is not that I need it and I'm in the "hunt" is more so that I'm OPENED to it and not a bitter bitch because other people in my past hurt me! on the flip side, if I love someone and he is showing me all of these things and to him it means a lot that we don't get married then I won't really care much about it either, because to me, it's about the commitment not so much the actual marriage part of it. My ex came into my life not having as many life experiences as I did and he taught me or rather, he reminded me that love is a wonderful thing, that knowing someone has your back is the best feeling in the world, that taking care of someone you love fills you, that it's ok to be alone, but that it's better to be in good company.

So I tell you journal, I don't know what my future holds and I don't know if I will ever sit here and write the story of the little wedding I had in XYZ place and I don't know if I will ever write my love story on my blog because I don't know if I will have one again, but I do know this, I am OPENED to all the possibilities because I am no longer a bitter bitch, I am no longer afraid to love and be loved again, I will NOT ALLOW bad experiences to continue to shape me, because why should I? There are still wonderful men out there, I know a TON of them, most of my friends are male and I see them yearning love, just like us women, so why is it that talking about marriage is such a scary thing for men? why is it that when a women mentions that, maybe just in passing, that's all they hear?

This man that told me that I talk about marriage a lot, when I told him this, I was having a conversation with him, I never in a million years was thinking or saying.... Damn I want to marry you! like when I initially told him this, I barely even knew him! so why in the WORLD would this be the ONLY thing, this man heard? and furthermore, why should I care if me mentioning that scared him away? if that is all you are hearing, than you clearly don't pay attention! like what the fuck!

I guess, note to self, don't EVER mention the M word, to someone you are sleeping with, because apparently that means to them that you are trying to "land them" dude, unless you are a surgeon with homes all over the country making millions and saving lives, ain't nobody trying to land shit! all these losers I meet need to calm the fuck down, because I deserve the world, any man would be so lucky to have the privilege and pleasure of having my love. It took me forever to realize my self worth, but now that I know it, I won't go around giving my love so easy, so again, unless you are a millionaire who can take care of me and I don't ever have to lift a finger again, will have my own chauffer, private jet and all the designer cloths my heart desires, you are probably safe! you are GOOD! because Jazzy ain't trying to marry just anyone, I'm not out here trying to hunt me a husband! laugh my fucking ass off! hilarious!

I will leave you with... TLC - No Scrub....

The secret crush!

2021-12-27T23:44:00.004-07:00

Dear Journal -

Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved. So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11 years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!

One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down. I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!

I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!

I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to. Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.

So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter. Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence. Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!

I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane!

Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!

But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role. He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me. I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha.....

Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years!

I'll leave you with.... The Jets - Crush on you!

The silent treatment the vicious bitch!

2021-12-19T18:45:00.004-07:00

Dear Journal -

I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males. I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link. I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!

Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site. Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things!

I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth. I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity. Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex. I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier. Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."

When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is. During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy. So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!

Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to. To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it. Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him. No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.

After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me. After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way. Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time. He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself. While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy."

I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that. It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me. Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is. When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone. I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two. With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true. Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa. I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used. But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?

There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence. I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women. I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me. While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.

Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument. While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.

Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense. Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc. But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.

In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.

If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You are NOT alone.

Call - 1-800-799-7233 or Website - National Domestic Violence page - https://ncadv.org/get-help

Heavy topic! I will leave you with........ Frozen - Madonna