100togo

I tried the bike at the gym

2012-01-27T00:04:00.001-06:00

Calories In: 2320 Calories Out: 2600

This is just a quick blog post to check in. I'm too exhausted to write for long but today was a good day. My gorgeous husband and I got groceries, and I got tons of healthy stuff, so that always feels good. I tried the a bike at the gym today and it honestly felt as if I had not worked out in months, because it used a whole new set of muscles. It was great!

My numbers for eating are too high today. I tried to keep it under but ate some things that brought it way over. But it was not a binge day, just tired and losing track of things. Have a good day!

Me? Under 1600 Calories in one day?

2012-01-25T22:38:00.002-06:00

Calories In: 1578 Calories Out: 2553

Well, I had a good day today! I was so shocked when I saw I had actually eaten under 1600 calories for the day! And it's now 10:30 at night, and I don't feel hungry or dissatisfied. It's amazing. I guess I am surprised because, in my mind, I need a lot more to be satisfed, and I get a bit scared that I will starve. I know -- it sounds weird, but it's this fear I have sometimes.

I just wanted to thank you for the kind responses on my last couple of posts. I want to respond to each one, but I'm just too tired, and I will do it another night. In the meantime, thank you so much. I was very touched by your kindness.

Okay, good night. Over and out. I'm cooked. Hope you're having an excellent week. Take care.

Last Week's Numbers

2012-01-24T23:53:00.002-06:00

Alright. I am going to post my numbers from last week. I flaked out on blogging this weekend, so this is a catch up post. First of all, I actually gained a pound this week. (Not surprising, considering that I binged on Saturday, and my weigh-in was on Sunday.)

So, my numbers were:

Present Weight: 246 lbs

Starting Weight: 270 lbs

Pounds Lost This Week: -1 lb

Pounds Lost So Far: 24 lbs

And here is my weekly calorie differential report for last week:

As you can see, I exercised three times this week! Very excited! And my eating was good for five days in a row. And it felt good. And then I caved, on Sunday.

My overall weekly calorie numbers are as follows:

Weekly Calories Burned: 16, 589

Weekly Calories Consumed: 15, 332

Weekly Calorie Differential: 1257

So, I consumed 1257 less calories this week than I burned, which is equal to about 1/3 pound. But I gained a pound. I was just surprised I didn't gain more. But this week, it was so good to feel like I hit a very good calorie range for four days in a row. (under 1800 calories/day.) Yes, I messed up on the weekend, but I am still celebrating the rest of the week, and the changes I have been making. I learned a lot this week from my dietitian and it is definitely helping me.

I had a binge on Saturday.

2012-01-24T23:15:00.000-06:00

Okay, I have really been struggling with this post.

You see, it's hard sometimes to share when I fall down. It's very embarrassing and humiliating. I worry that someone will read this in the professional world and I will be judged for it.

I am afraid of revealing so much of myself publicly. I seriously thought of ending my blog this weekend. It's scary to me: to admit my sins and addiction to food.

But here I am, writing again. Why? Because I have started and I don't want to quit. Because I promised myself that this blog was for losing 100 pounds, and I have lost 25 pounds of that. I still have 75 pounds to go.

But it's hard. I admit that. This weekend, I had a complete and total binge. I ate copious amounts of food because of my emotions. I felt very depressed. Worried about money and a lot of other things.

On Saturday, I snacked unhealthily throughout the day, and then for dinner, I had not made any dinner for my husband who was coming home from work. I went to KFC and bought us a 10 pc. dinner. I ate four of those pieces, plus fries and gravy. That was after eating a lot all day.

I gave into the destructive behaviour. I really did. I felt very depressed. Do you know how hard it is to write this on here? But normally, I would hide this and I am admitting it. I did binge eating on Saturday. I gave into my emotions and into my very bad habit. Of coping with emotions with food. And it felt terrible. Disgusting.

I used to eat like that a fair bit. And I never told anyone, except my sister. It's not something you share with people. It is very embarrassing and shameful. And it's very hard on a person, both emotionally and physically. You feel sick afterwards, weak. That's how I felt on Saturday.

But this time was different than other times. For one, I told my husband. He knows I struggle with this and he still loves me. I admit it, and then I get up and keep going. And I did. Sunday, I still over-ate, but not nearly as badly, and then Monday was better. Today was pretty good.

I apologize that I was not a good role model for losing weight: I was not an inspiration. But I am being honest. You see, by being honest, I am changing. I used to eat like this, often. And I didn't really think of it as binge-ing. I just thought of it as eating a bit too much. I did not see what I was doing -- I just did it. It was my way of coping. With stress, with emotional pain, with everything.

Now, it's an exception. It's no longer my default. I went all week, with excellent eating, and then on the weekend, I fell back into old habits. And I am posting about it here. But it's no longer my norm. I feel hope now. Before, when it was my default, I felt zero hope.

And I don't want to go back there. I went back on Saturday, and I felt sick. What I ate is not so important. It was a terrible binge. I lost the battle. But I will keep going. This week, I have gotten back on track.

I am admitting this publicly. I am shining a flashlight on it. Because the truth will set me free.

I Felt Great Today!

2012-01-19T23:08:00.001-06:00

Calories In: 1733 Calories Out: 2200

Hey girls, I am starting to get this! If you notice my calorie count above, I was at 1733 calories for the day and I feel great. I managed to come very close to the goals that I have for eating today, and it actually feels better! All of my meals were under 500 and I had two snacks, and I feel so much better at this calorie range.

I am too tired to write anymore, but I will try to catch up on the weekend with some blog posts. But even after one day of following the nutritionist's advice, I am actually feeling better. It sounds crazy to think it works that quickly, but it actually has. Wow, wow, wow. I will explain in later posts what those goals are and how I am endeavouring to reach them. But for now, I just want to say that it's great!

Very Bad Weather in Winnipeg, Canada

2012-01-19T07:01:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 1606 Calories Out: 2200

Good morning! I am writing the blog in the morning because I was just so -ooo tired last night. Check out my calories yesterday! I did 1606 calories and that felt much better! I had three great meals and by the end of the day, I did not feel bloated or too full. I was very tired, though, but after a good night's sleep, I feel good!

So last night I went to see my dietitian at A Little Nutrition, and it was fantastic! She was so helpful and gave me a great plan to start getting more serious about this weight loss thing. So, the plan's changing! She put my calories down to 1800/day. (That's going down 200/day.) That will be made up of 3-500 calorie meals, with 2 snacks of 200 calories each.

And there's a lot more to it, but I have to get going. I will talk about it more in the days to come. I am really excited to be getting a real plan as to how I am going to do this. It's not that I haven't been trying on my own, but I needed some support and professional advice. Someone who could talk to me, and find out what my lifestyle needs. It was so amazing and I feel a lot of hope that I can do it, with some help. She is giving me some actual tools to get the job done.

And I just wanted to share a story that happened to me yesterday. I had an appointment to see Susan (the nutritionist) right after work, and the agreement was I would get there as soon as I could. It was only a fifteen minute drive on Google Maps and so I thought it might be a bit more, with rush hour traffic. Well, it was bumper to bumper for about ten blocks, and a 15 minute drive took an hour and fifteen minutes.

The traffic was a bit like this, with the ambulance trying to get through.

I had been snowing and it was about -35 degrees Celsius here yesterday, with wind chill. For you Americans, that 95 below. And super icy. And apparently, there were several accidents yesterday, including one where a woman fell off a bridge in her SUV. From looking at the news today, it looks like she has died. This is the bridge right by our house!

So, yesterday, the whole city was kind of slowed down, because of the icy conditions, the cold and the accidents. And so back to my rush hour driving. Sitting there, in three blocked lanes of traffic, I hear an ambulance's siren. An ambulance was trying to get through and there was absolutely no room. Looking back, I panicked a bit. I quickly darted into the lane beside me and it looked like I had lots of room.

I watched the ambulance go by and I saw a lady get out of her SUV, making hand gestures at me. I peered out. "What's wrong," I asked. "Did I hit you?"

"Yes, you did," she said, glaring at me and continuing to make hand gestures. "I'm sorry," I told her. "I didn't feel anything." She examined the car. "Lucky for you, I had a scratch there from before. It's your lucky day!" she said, glaring at me.

"I'm sorry," I said, "but what is a person supposed to do when there's an ambulance trying to get through?"

"A person is supposed to not hit people," she retorted.

Okay, first of all, did I mention that there was extremely icy conditions, bumper to bumper traffic and an ambulance trying to get through? I can understand not being happy if I hit her, but why be so rude about it? I obviously did not do it on purpose, and it's obvious that I was trying to get out of the way of the ambulance, which probably contained someone that was dying, and that my car must have slipped a bit on the ice. She acted like I had just hit her randomly. I was so upset by this that I just started crying after she had left.

It's NOT that I didn't care if I hit her. Of course, I would not walk away from that and would take responsibility to pay for it if there was any damage. And it would be something for our insurance companies to deal with. It was her attitude that just sent me reeling.

Why be so crabby about it? As someone has personally tried to pull one over on you? I don't get it and it upset me. So, that was my bad experience yesterday. But seeing the dietitian afterwards definitely made it worthwhile.

What about you? Have you ever had an experience with another driver that made you feel very frustrated? Tell me about it!

Calculating Calories Burned: Which Figure Is Most Accurate?

2012-01-17T21:51:00.003-06:00

Calories In: 1858 Calories Out: 2599

I had a good day, calorie-wise. My calories were under 2000, which I am pleased with. I am still trying to get my meals down (approx. 500/meal with 2 snacks of 200-300 each) but I am glad that at least I was under for the total. And I enjoyed the gym today! It really felt good to be moving again. My body's starting to like movement again.

Just curious about calories burned. I am finding a big discrepancy between what amount of calories burned on different programs. I haven't done any research on this, but I wonder if anyone else may know about this. Why is there such a variation between what the machine says I burn, and Sparkpeople says I burn, and the Daily Mile says I burn?

Which is most accurate?

For example, I walked the treadmill tonight for about an hour. The machine itself said I had burned 494 calories (and I did enter my correct weight), Daily Mile said I had burned 443 calories (and my weight is on there) and Sparkpeople says 388 (and it knows my weight.) For now, I am just taking the Sparkpeople number but I am curious which one is most accurate. I guess the machine would be higher because I had in on an incline, too, which burns more calories.

So, that's just a question I had about tracking. I see the dietitian tomorrow. So excited! I hope you're having a good week.

Reflections on overeating

2012-01-16T22:51:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write just a bit more after my last post. I have been really looking deeply at the overeating that I do, and these are some reflections.

First of all, I ended up overeating yesterday quite a bit. I made some stew for supper and it was delicious. Very delicious. And I had a reasonable portion with my husband before he went to work. Then, after he left, I ate about three more bowls of it. There. It's out. My secret's out. I'm a closet eater. Still. I've been doing much better but at night, for dinner, I often overeat in my portions.

And why did I do it? Well, I didn't think it really was that much. I mean, my body afterwards definitely knew it was too much but somehow my mind rationalized it. And I racked my brains trying to come up with, why?:As you may have guessed, this isn't the first time I have done this.

Here's that stew again

And it's much less emotional eating, much less of what I would call the binges. No, it's just kind of mindless eating, and it is a form of denial. When I make it, and it's good homemade food, I tend to think, "it's okay. It's healthy food. It's not that bad." And I don't think it counts for much. In short, I do bad math. I see healthy food, as opposed to french fries or cookies, and I justify. I indulge, indulge in healthy food. But it's still indulging, and the calories still really add up.

And eating too much has become such a habit for me that I don't even realize that I am doing it. I just do it, and regret it afterwards. So, that is why I have to track right now: to force myself to look at how much I eat. To become aware, after years of not realizing.

And I believe I will get there because I refuse to give up. I am being brutally honest about where I am at, because I am tired of hiding. If I do this, I know I am not the only one. I am clawing myself out of the fat life, and finding the way. And God is helping me. And I fully believe I will make it. I'm not claiming to be the super diet guru. I'm just a woman trying to change. And change is hard, and gradual, but good.

I miss summer!

2012-01-16T21:58:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 2032 Calories Out: 2606

I kept up my gym routine today: right after work. It was fun! Monday is the day I meet my friend there and it's awesome to catch up with her, while we walk the treadmill. It's so cool to have someone to go with and we have committed to Monday nights together every week.

I have to admit, I am missing summer and walking, though. I love walking outside, with the scenery and the beauty and tranquility. The gym is very crowded -- every treadmill was used tonight! I don't know if it's always like this at this time or not, but I hope not!

But if it is, oh well. I just have to keep going on, in spite of the fact that it's crowded. It allows me to work out and do the things I need to do, to lose weight and get healthier. Period. And I am so grateful to have a gym partner! I am really craving some outdoor activity, though, like walking outside right now. I've just been inside so much this winter and I miss summer!

Here is one of my summer Polyvore sets:

Set me as a seal by prairieprincess on polyvore.com

Anyone else having a bit of the winter blues this cold January day?

I went to church!

2012-01-15T21:19:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 1963 Calories Out: 2211

Me, learning to take a self-portrait!

Hooray! I went to church today! I haven't been going regularly and I really want to start. Today I went and it was awesome. I met quite a few people and they were so friendly. My friend has been going there for a while and has been asking me to come.

The sermon was very applicable to the weight loss journey and I wanted to share it with you. If you are interested in hearing it, it's available here. The pastor talked about how we act out from what we believe about ourselves. So, if we think we are a loser, we will act like a loser. But if we believe we are worthy, we will act worthy. Such good stuff. And, as a Christian, I believe my worth comes from the LORD. If God says I am worthy of his love, I can't argue!

I love this dress!

The dress with sweater: for coverage.

This is such a good point and this is what I've tried to convey through the Beautiful Wednesdays posts that I have done: that believing you are beautiful will help you become beautiful. As women, if we believe that we are beautiful women, even if we are not where we want to be, we become those beautiful women. I really believe this. As we start to see ourselves as beautiful, disciplined and classy, we act that way more and more. It doesn't happen all at once, but we gradually become the women we believe we are, on the inside.

And before church, I experimented with some photos of my outfit, and then just took a couple of pictures of what I look like normally. I am not good at taking pictures of myself, so please excuse the quality of these photos but I wanted to try it. And as well, sorry for the mess behind.

Today, my eating was within range for calories. I still had most of my calories at night, though, because I skipped my meals before dinner and just snacked. So, I had this homemade beef stew that I made, but consumed way, way too much. It was so delicious! But such a comfort food, and I just ate tons of it! Too much, for sure.

This overeating this is something I have to keep working on, but this blog is for me to be honest, so I will record both my successes and my failures. There are many falls, I know, but it is helping me to be honest about my eating, with myself, and through this blog. As someone that struggles with overeating, honesty is the best thing in the world and it is bringing me into the light.

Here is a picture of this soup. I don't have the recipe written out, but I want to do so, because it is very scrumptious. Here it is:

My homemade beef stew.

I feel good about this week!

2012-01-15T13:17:00.003-06:00

Weekly Total: Calories In: 16, 043 Calories Out: 15.990

Weekly Calorie Differential: 53

This week, I was much more consistent in my eating than other weeks. Even though I was higher than ideal, I wasn't swinging up to super high numbers. It was more steady. I had two swings up to the 2600 mark, but it wasn't big binges this week. I am happy with this week because I made my first trip to the gym, and I was much more consistent. And I am learning to be more consistent. Here is the chart:

(The orange is calories burned by basal metabolism, the green is exercise, and the blue is calories eaten.)

Yesterday, I had a good day until the evening. My dinner was healthy but I overate on some smoothie snacks. I was craving something super-creamy and so I made two smoothies together: to treat myself. I have been seeing how my overeating often comes from a desire to "treat" myself. I often feel that I want to pamper myself with some delicious food. That's what did last night, after dinner. I "treated myself" with these delicious smoothies, thinking it was better than some junk food. But it was still way too many calories. I think to me, a treat is when I temporarily forget about how many calories something is, and just enjoy it. It's a type of freedom, for that moment. But now that I'm tracking, and blogging daily, that freedom is short-lived and I have to come to terms with what I have eaten.

I need different ways to treat myself, maybe. Or maybe I have to let go of the concept of "treating myself" I think the concept is flawed, somehow. I think it's better to treat myself alright, all the time, so that I don't need the "treat" that does me in. Anyways ...

The other factor at work here is that I was feeling bad yesterday about not getting something done that I should have got done. And so I ate to cover up this feeling. Sometimes this cycle feels hopeless. Putting it out there publicly is so hard sometimes but I believe it's the right thing because I'm slowly making changes. This week, I've had 5/7 pretty good days and started exercising. I'm not giving up and I am moving forward. Even if I don't feel that great. And now for today's weigh-in:

My Weekly Weigh-In: 245 lbs
Starting Weight: 270 lbs
Weight Loss: 25 lbs
Weight to Lose: 75togo!

p.s. I am going to write another post about church today, and some other exciting things, so it will be a two-post day today. Take care. I hope your weekend is going well.

Avoiding A Binge

2012-01-14T17:10:00.001-06:00

I am in the process of reading some really good articles on SparkPeople, and I wanted to talk about one of them: "What To Do After A Binge." These were the suggestions I found most helpful for avoiding a binge in the first place:

A. Not eating directly from the container (I'm very guilty of this. Eating from a serving dish makes you feel classier and is more dignified. When I eat from the container, it's like I'm declaring to the world that I am a slob.)

B. Not skipping meals. Skipping meals has been one of my biggest downfalls. Right now, I am really concentrating on trying to get myself eating regular meals, with reasonable portions. This is one of my big goals right now. This is what Susan (my dietitian) talked about, too. To me, this is crucial, and hard to do. I have to work at this right now, to change.

C. Have little bits of your craved foods instead of one big binge. I love this suggestion and one that I believe in.

I actually did this today. Saturday tends to be my worst day that I lose control. Today, I could feel that feeling that I just wanted to eat whatever I felt like. There was the chicken in the fridge from the night before. Instead of eating it like crazy, I made two meals from it. My calories were a bit over for the meals, but it was still much better than it would have been before.

I had two of these, rather than six

And then, I was craving something sweet. I had some puddings in the cupboard and instead of eating all of them (six containers) which I would have done in a binge, I ate two of them, as a snack. I got some sweets and staved off a sweet binge. I really think this is an excellent, sound strategy. This is about making sustainable change. This is what I need to do.

The next part of the article is about how to recover from a binge. This is what I try to do. It says to not beat yourself up, and don't punish yourself by depriving yourself or going so hard at the gym that you burn out. Just get back on track. That is what I am learning to do.

Losing weight for me is now becoming about developing the habits I will be able to sustain for the rest of my life. I have always heard this said, but now I am getting it. I know myself better than anyone and so I have to do what works for me.

The Elliptical Machine: 17 Minutes!

2012-01-13T21:16:00.002-06:00

Calories In: 2143 Calories Out: 2777

Celebrate!

I actually went to the gym! Yay! I have gone a handful of times in the last couple of months but after some nagging from my g.h. and even the same message from a lady at work, I realized I have to push my disobedient inner child to listen and do what she does not want to do! So, I went right after work. As I was ready to leave the office, I could feel myself trying to weasel out of it. "I am so tired," my self whined. "No," I told myself, "you even wrote in your blog and posted a picture. You're committed now." So, in this case, it was this public blog that cornered me into going, and I am so glad it did. So thanks, blog and thanks, readers!

It felt so good! I did 37 minutes on the treadmill and then 17 minutes on the elliptical machine. Wow, that elliptical machine was intense for me! And my fitness level is much higher than I thought it would be. I have only gone to the gym a few times in the last two months but my pace was pretty good, considering that. I was able to run at 3.5 miles/hour for part of the time, and it wasn't very hard to do so. And then I went on the ellliptical, which I have not used for years, except for maybe five minutes at a time. I did 17 minutes, for one mile. It honestly felt like such a workout and I loved the feeling. I was almost gritting my teeth because it felt so hard but I finished my mile on there.

So, I have to keep this going! I HAVE to start going every night, right after work. My husband said he will take care of supper on the days that he can, and we will work it out. Today was the first step.

My eating was better today. I'm going in the right direction. Again, it was good throughout the day. Tonight, I ate too much at supper. This time, it was a bit out of boredom. My husband had picked up a BBQ chicken for me, and I ate too much of it, plus two pieces of bread, and a copious serving of mayo, with two glasses of milk. I know, right? It sounds like so much.

But the good thing is, I measured my food and I am tracking and posting almost every day. I honestly find this is the best way for me to change. I am accountable on here and I am getting better, going in the right direction. Writing down what I am doing every day is helping me understand my patterns and analyze how I need to change. Even if no one reads this, I am doing this for me, right now. As I get stronger and better at it, I want to help others. But first, I have to help myself. Literally. I am starting to understand what that means on a very practical level.

Tired Brain Just Said "Eat."

2012-01-12T22:22:00.001-06:00

Calories In: 2576 Calories Out: 2232

Well, I tried to eat the right things today but I didn't make it. I started out well -- with a protein shake. And then I packed a salad with a Michelina's for lunch and ate the Michelina's for a snack around 3 p.m., which still kept me pretty close within range. But then again, it was night time that did me in.

We are kind of short on groceries right now, and so we were trying to make do with what's in the fridge. My gorgeous husband made dinner tonight and it was such a treat! And something I appreciated very much. It was wonderful but I ate too much of it. To be honest, I just ate what was put in front of me and felt too tired to think it through. It was scrambled eggs plus (my recipe is here) his home-made hash browns and two pieces of toast. Plus 2 cups of milk, and ketchup. on top. Looking at it now, it's obviously too many calories, but my tired hungry brain, just said, "eat," and I did.

I would have been okay with the eggs plus one piece of toast, or the eggs with a bit of the hash browns. But I ate too much, without thinking. And to be honest, that is why I usually gain weight. It's when I feel too tired to make good choices and just grab something. I give up trying and just eat mindlessly. It is such a battle to keep trying sometimes because I feel so tired.

My bag is packed, beside my winter boots.

Anyone ever feel like this? How did you overcome it? I'd love to hear your input.

I think the thing that will help a lot is exercising. So, I have my little gym bag packed for tomorrow and I am going to go right after work.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<---------- Here it is. You might be able to guess from my boots that there is some deep snow out there right now.

Shiloh watching me get my bag ready.

And below this picture is a pic of my cat, Shiloh, watching me from above. Hope your week is going well.

Tired This Week

2012-01-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 2206 Calories Out: 2232

I've had a hard time eating properly for the last few days. It's been a lot of bad carbs that I don't normally eat but we were kind of short on groceries. I took the bus on Monday and I spent over 3 hours on the bus that day. I was really frustrated when I got home, and just felt so tired.

I haven't had my share of protein which helps my blood sugar and I feel so tired by the time I get home. I'm okay at work and during the drive but then I hit home, and I just feel so so tired. I think it's getting used to the work routine, partially. And I think it's the stress we've been under the last couple of months. I want to get some hemp, as I mentioned before, because that really helps my energy levels. And I am going to the dietitian again. I want to get some ideas from her about planning meals. I am not going to give up but I need a new game plan. I will get this.

Bacon Is Evil!

2012-01-09T06:30:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 2264 Calories Out: 2232

Well, yesterday was a very casual Sunday. We played a lot of Facebook games, got groceries, did laundry and I tried to get the house in order, with a bit of success. I am now all stocked up for this week's lunches. My lunch is packed, from last night, and I have tonight's supper planned. Check!

I'm using the Crockpot today for chicken and veges, and then will add the rice tonight when I get home. Yay!

Bacon is bad!

Yesterday's eats were pretty good except for one big exception: BACON! Yes, I made my famous Scrambled Eggs with Veges (I have my recipe published here) yesterday for my husband and me. They were delicious buttttt.... I make him bacon and last night, I couldn't resist. I had one little piece to "try it" and not long after, I had eaten 4.5 pieces for about 450 extra calories of good ole fashioned grease in the tummy.

Other than that, a pretty good day for food. I am looking forward to meeting my friend at the gym this week. I am so excited to get back to exercising. Happy Monday everyone!

Some Deep Stuff On Losing Weight

2012-01-08T13:47:00.001-06:00

Today I wanted to take the opportunity to write about some of the "deep stuff" of losing weight. These are some of the thoughts I've had over the course of the week about this weight loss journey.

First of all, I want to share an epiphany I had this week. The timing is interesting because this week was the traditional holiday of the Epiphany, which celebrates the revelation of Jesus Christ, especially to the Magi.

It was in the morning, in the washroom, as I was getting ready for work. I just saw a picture of how losing weight was not about depriving myself more, but it was, in fact, about caring for myself more. It was about caring for "me," in a way I never have. Caring for me meant eating wonderful foods that nourish my body and moving in a way that makes me feel young and alive. Caring for me meant "paying attention," to what my body really needed. And this caring is not goal-oriented, or focused on results: it's just a beautiful thing to do.

When I say I saw this, that's what I mean. It was just like a vision of it: that hit me all at once. Not my mind, but my heart and my spirit. And my body. It became very real to me. I believe truth has to hit us, in our hearts, before it truly becomes real to us.

Love is not about "doing right." It's about caring. I have always thought of myself as a caring person. But it is usually for others. Caring for myself has been much more of a stretch. And I mean really caring. Not being selfish and demanding. Just caring.

In fact, binge eating looks like caring for one's self, because it selfishly eats more than it needs, but it's not. It's actually abusing one's self, because one doesn't need tons of food like that. Abuse of others or one's self is never love. And that's what I do when I binge: I abuse myself.

Eating well and exercising is the opposite: it is love.

It is funny that a couple of days after I had this epiphany, that I ran across this powerful video from the site at Anti-Jared. This video confirmed the feelings and thoughts that I had, so nicely.

I close with this, and I would love to hear your thoughts.

Weekly Recap -- It's Now 77 To Go!

2012-01-08T11:47:00.000-06:00

77 Pounds To Go!

Well, for my first week back, I did pretty well. My eating has been getting under control and I am starting to actually measure my food. I have not started exercising yet, but I can feel my body going into weight loss mode again. Overall, for the five days I tracked, here are the numbers:

CALORIES IN: 9486 CALORIES OUT: 11, 160

WEEKLY CALORIE DIFFERENTIAL: 1674

And as you can see from the headline, I have actually lost four pounds from last week. Wow! My calorie differential would indicate that I would have lost only half a pound (every pound is 3500 calories) but sometimes there are other factors at play, too. For last weigh-in, I was in PMS, just entering into the TOM phase. That creates a lot of bloating, which usually adds 2-4 pounds right there. Plus, my body has been in "cleanse" mode this week, after the incredible amount of junk I fed it over the holidays. One more thing: getting a job has taken away an incredible amount of financial stress for me! I feel way more relaxed and I totally believe that stress is a major factor in weight loss for me. So yay!! :)

So, my current weight is 247, down from 270, for a total of 23 pounds lost, and 77 pounds to go.

Calculating Recipes

2012-01-08T01:51:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 1450 Calories Out: 2232

This is an actual picture of the sauce I made.

Today's overall calorie count is good. I made spaghetti sauce with sauce, with lots of veges added in. I wrote about how I make this sauce here. It's delicious! Tonight, I measured it very well, so I could be more precise about what I am eating. I usually do a lot of guessing but I want to try to really know what I am eating, so I can pinpoint what my portions need to be.

This sauce is the regular jar sauce, but it has celery, onions, bell pepper and garlic added. It was delicious tonight! This is my gorgeous husband's favourite: spaghetti. Adding all the veges is something I have got him used to!

I still ate too much at supper, though, with a supper total of 761 calories. I was totally stuffed. I ate one cup of cooked spaghetti and one cup of the sauce (which is 253 calories per cup.) And then I had some olive oil on the spaghetti and 2 cups of milk. This all added up. I was thinking of how I could get the meal down to 500 calories or so: eat only 1/2 cup of spaghetti, add even more veges, and go back to 1% milk.

Here's a tip for anyone that's cooking a lot and doesn't know how to calculate your recipes. First, create a recipe on Sparkpeople, Create the recipe by entering all the ingredients and then putting in how many servings the recipe creates. You can then have a calorie count for your recipe. It's great! I am sure there are other programs that do this, too, but I am familiar with Sparkpeople. The really nice thing about this is that you can cook this recipe again, and know the calories every time. It's in the program. You can also print the recipe out and put in a book for yourself. I love it!

So, that was my eating for today. How was your day?

Tiredness Leads To Overeating

2012-01-07T17:45:00.001-06:00

Calories In: 2459 Calories Out: 2232

This is the tracking for Friday. I ate about 500 calories over my limit. And it felt normal. I am really trying to figure out how to get it down. I was okay for the first part of the day. Breakfast was my smoothie for around 500 calories And then lunch was a Michelina's lunch plus cut up veges with salad dressing. It was close to 500 calories but it didn't really fill me up. There wasn't protein in that meal and it left me very hungry by dinner time.

Then, I was hungry and super-tired at dinner, and just grabbed some thin crust pizza (from the freezer.) If I had only 2 pieces from that, my calories would have been okay but I was super hungry and tired. So I just devoured the whole thin crust pizza for just over 1000 calories. I know: not good. But I was so hungry I didn't care at that moment.

I have to figure how to feed myself so that I'm not so hungry by that point that I overeat. Supper is always my bane. I can go pretty good during the day, and then by dinner, I let go, often. And if I am tired, it makes it way worse. Does anyone else find that tiredness can lead to overeating?

I miss hemp!

That's what I am realizing: that fatigue seems to lead me in that direction. I think it's that my blood sugar gets really low and I want anything to help give it a spike. My lunch meal on Friday was pretty low in protein. As well, I haven't been taking my hemp in the shakes, which really seems to help with energy. Plus, I need to take some more supplements to keep me going.

I definitely going to talk to my dietitian about this one. In case any of you missed it, I saw a dietitian in December and it was great. She was amazing. Her name is Susan Watson. I am going to include her blog, with great recipes on my blogroll. I am going to go to her for the next while to get advice about eating and exercising. If anyone's interested, she also does phone consulting. I am going to go back to Susan in the next few weeks again, to get a better food plan going for myself.

So, that's it for yesterday's tracking. I might do one more blog post today for another topic. Take care everyone.

* Image credit to Evelyn Parham.

Roast Beef Lives Again!

2012-01-06T03:29:00.001-06:00

Calories In: 1726 Calories Out: 2232

Well, I almost got through my first week at work. It is so fun! I know it's unusual to say that about a job but it really is. It's in publishing and related to education, so it incorporates both sides of my career. And I like the people, which is so important to me.

*This just In: Roast Beef Gets Multiple Lives!

I am finding I eat less when I'm not at home all the time. Yesterday (it's now early in the am on Friday), I forgot my lunch and had just some leftover salad for lunch. By the time dinner came, I was ravished! I did eat too much of the supper meal, partially out of hunger and partially out of enjoying the taste. That roast beef my gorgeous husband made Tuesday night? Well, it saw its third incarnation. I took the leftovers from yesterday, mashed it all together, added some Italian spices, pepper, and cream corn and made a stew. Delish!

*Image credit goes to lockstockb @ sxc.hu.

What Do You Think Of Potatoes?

2012-01-04T21:45:00.000-06:00

Calories In: 2635 Calories Out: 2235

Today was my second day of the new job, and I like it even more now. Great people and great place to work!

What do you think of potatoes?

I took a salad and a frozen dinner to work, and enjoyed a very healthy lunch. I had a shake for breakfast and another roast beef dinner where I ate too much of the beef. We also had potatoes and I was noticing how high the calorie count of potatoes is, for just a small amount. It makes me wonder if I should give up potatoes for now. For me, they are just a great alternative to the pasta and rice, and plus, they're cheap! But they just seem to be so many calories for the bit that you get to eat. I know they are high on the glycemic index, and some diets forbid them. I'm not going low carb but I still wonder if potatoes are worth it. Any opinions on potatoes, from the experienced weight losers? :)

I also included in my total a late night snack (a smoothie) because I had already done yesterday's total. So, it's not as high as it looks but I still need to get it down some. And confession time .. two butter tarts. Yes, definitely did not need the butter tarts. By the way, do you ladies have butter tarts in the States? I had heard somewhere that they are a Canadian thing, but I wonder if that's true.

More importantly, though, I need to get back to the gym and exercising. That will help my body to start circulating and getting really healthy again.

So, that's my story for today. Hope you had a good day. I always welcome comments. Take care!

I'm Going to Do Daily Tracking

2012-01-03T20:44:00.003-06:00

CALORIES IN: 1216 CALORIES OUT: 2232

I have to count calories!

Well, it's my first day back! I realize I say that a lot, actually. I go away, and then I'm back.

Today I tracked on Sparkpeople again, after a few weeks off. I have decided I need to calorie count, to keep myself focused. During my talk with the dietitian, she said that I don't have to necessarily track but if I feel I need it, to do it. I do need it! I'm just not disciplined enough to do away with it. I need to be accountable for everything or I start to become accountable for nothing. Maybe this will eventually change but it's where I'm at, for now.

So, I am going to try posting my daily calorie intake, to keep more accountable. Not what I ate, necessarily, just because that bores me to talk about everything I eat, but my daily numbers. Before, I was posting weekly numbers but I am going to try it with daily numbers, just for the accountability thing.

So, today was 1216 calories. Don't worry, I'm not starving myself. It's just that I have eaten so much junk in the last few weeks that I couldn't eat much today. I still feel stuffed and bloated from junk. The calories out part is based on an estimation of my basal metabolism plus 1.2, according to Sparkpeople. My dietitian also seemed okay with this number. It's what I burn just in a normal day, without the gym, approximately.

Most of my calories today came from supper. My gorgeous husband cooked me supper on my first day at work. Yay! What a wonderful man. It was nice: roast beef with mashed potato and cream corn. It was a bit over on the calories but at least it was real, cooked food, not chips and ice cream.

I am going to just keep trying to learn as I go. I have to learn that not perfect is okay, as long as I am going in the right direction.

And ... my new job was awesome! It's in a field that's"new again" for me: advertising and publishing. I used to work in this field before teaching, and am now back at it. I haven't found any teaching work and I am just happy to get back to work right now! I want to continue to write, but for now, on the side. I love writing but I just wasn't ready to make a go at it full-time. So, I loved the office and the people, all of it. It's so nice to have a schedule again and I am grateful to have work. Praise the LORD!

So, hello to anyone who's reading. I hope you had a good holiday and if not, I"m glad it's over. If you fell off the wagon, so to speak, it's not too late to start again. I did, and I am.

Pictures -- Finally!

2012-01-03T11:56:00.007-06:00

All of these taken Jan 2, 2012 (251).

Well, finally, pictures! I have been blogging for over two years now, with a big break in between but I have never posted really current pictures. So .... it's a little nerve-racking but here they are. All in their post-holiday glory. If this isn't scary, I don't know what is.

And if it wasn't motivating to look at these photos, I don't know what would be! :) I asked my gorgeous husband to take these last night and it was horrifying! These are plain pictures: I try to look better when I dress up, by dressing for my body, but these are just plain pictures to show my shape. I plan to take pictures in these same clothes as I lose, to show the progress.

The side shots were the most terrifying to me. I look better from the front than the side. That is because I carry so much of my weight right in my stomach, which I can sometimes hide somewhat with some good dressing. But from the side, there is no hiding it!

It has been scary to put these pictures out there, for me, but I think it's part of the process. It's part of facing it. And after all, everyone around me sees this every day. I just need to see it. And I do. And the exciting part is I am going to change it.

As far as the holidays go, I haven't gained much weight but that's a miracle. My body wants to get healthy! I ate so poorly the last month that I could have gained a lot but right now I'm at 251 (I was down to 249 before Christmas.)

I'm going to change this blog to keep the name the same, at 100togo, because it's just easier for people to find my blog if the name doesn't keep changing. So, I will put it back to 100togo in the next couple of days. (I gotta go now but have a good day everyone!)

EDIT: I just wanted to reiterate that I would NEVER go out of the house looking like this, EVER! These pictures are intentionally taken to show my shape but I normally dress to put my shape in the very best possible light. In these pics, my clothes look rumpled, things don't fit properly, and nothing is flattering.

These pictures are only to show my shape, period!!!!!

Christmas eating was bad

2012-01-03T03:06:00.000-06:00

Hi. I just read a post from another blogger that said she didn't know much weight she had gained but she was ready to get back at it. Me too, me too. I don't know how much weight I have gained and how much muscle I have lost but it's not pretty.

Christmas eating was bad. I feel bloated, fat and lethargic. I have to get out of this rut and I will. I am starting a new job tomorrow, after being at home for the last five months. I'm really excited! I am looking forward to working in an office and getting myself into the routine of a regular job.

I almost gave up this Christmas season but I have to kick myself in the proverbial butt and get a move on. I want to thank those that wrote me comments on my last two posts, that I did not respond to. I am sorry for not getting back to you: my heart has just not been in things lately. I am going to post some pictures soon, that I took, to track my progress. I have had a huge setback these last couple months but I have to get going again. Happy New Years, everyone!