TBD

11 - the best advice you have ever heard, or ever been given

2012-02-26T13:21:00.000-05:00

Tempus Edax Rerum = Time Devours All Things

No matter how bad it gets this is always true.

day 10 - places you want to visit, and why

2012-02-12T18:02:00.002-05:00

I love visiting new places! I have many places I would like to see for the first time, or go back too.

I was having trouble writing this entry. Usually I am an ocean of travel fantasies. I dream of riding camels through Tunisia, charting a yacht to the Galapagos, watching my son dig up dino bones in Utah, Cruising down the Danube, exploring temples in India, visiting a voodoo priestess in the French Quarter, llama trekking to Machu Picchu, Seeing an African sunrise over the Savannah, Luxury Camping in the Northwest US, seeing the Egyptian pyramids and temples in person, staying in a whitewash ocean view house in Mykonos, shopping in a Turkish bazaar, relaxing in Iceland's Blue Lagoon, hanging out with my family on Manitoulin Island, Visiting my in-laws on Ana Maria Island, introducing my son and my husband to Danish hospitality and food, experiencing a "Dude Ranch" and .... you get the idea.

Lately though I have been so tired. So defeated. The thought of planning a vacation financially and logistically is exhausting. For those that know me, they know this is not my "normal" take on life. I just am having trouble living right now. Not long ago planning an adventure for me and my family is one of the activities that fed my passion. Right now, I am just not feeling it. I have been stuck for several weeks... almost a month on this challenge entry. This is odd because "where would you visit " is usually a topic that I could go on for days about.

It did feel good to write out this list of my travel dreams of not too long ago. I just hope I can re spark my passion. I hope I can see the beauty in life again. I think I may just have the winter blues.

day 9 - a list of things hanging on your walls

2012-01-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

I have a lot on my wall, so I will see how much I can think of off the top of me head... I guess I could just go to each room and look, but...

Office (I am in here so I can see)

I painting of a ferret

An Eiffel tower bulletin board

A 2010 calendar of interesting places around the world

The hall:

Wedding pictures

Lennon pictures

My room:

A Catherine Hyde print I got for John as a wedding gift

A photo of Lennon's feet

Lennon's room:

An kids solar system painting

Toy story stickers

Little Prince Painting

Plaques with cute little sayings

Monkey prints from baby's r us

Alien Robot prints I got at an art festival

Kitchen:

Photos from my trip to Mexico in 2001/2002

some sort of painted wooden Russian saint guy

The rest of the 1st floor:

A painting by my Great Uncle's mother, Bea.

Original pastel I got at an art festival

3 movie posters

Pictures of Lennon

Pictures of my and John on our travels

Sketches of stone henge

My basement as a lot of art on the walls, mostly by me. Some swiped from family members getting rid of stuff.

day 8 - write about something you believe in, anything at all

2012-01-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

I believe that we do not live in a black and white reality.

We exist in shades of grey.

I believe that people who do really bad things usually do them for a reason they think is good.

I believe when someone does something bad, the retaliation should first be to find out why they did it.

I believe we should all try and avoid hate.

Hate isn't good for anyone and it never really solves any problems.

I believe when we are angry with another person, we should try to think of a reason that person should be loved, rather then think of a reason that person should be hated.

I believe that everyone has loved and or has been loved at some point in their life, therefore I believe that we are all lovable.

Most importantly, I believe that we should all be open to changing what we believe.

day 7 - your favourite 10 people right now and why

2012-01-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

This is kind of difficult for me. After John and Lennon I have a lot of favorite people. Every time I meet a person they are my new favorite people. Am I suppose to include dead people? fictional people? family, friends? I am going to keep family and friends to a minimum on the list. Mainly because I have so much family that I love I cannot list them all. So, here is a list of my top 10 favorite people right at this moment!

1 and 2 would of course have to be John and Lennon. They are my favorite people because they are my whole life.

3. Christopher Hitchens - Close to the top of the list mainly because he has recently past, so I have been thinking a lot about his influence on my life. The man was not always pleasant, and I did not always agree with his approach, but he was incredibly brave and, I think, deserves a lot of credit for bringing taboo issues to the forefront of conversation.

4 , 5 and 6 is a tie between Lucy Ann, Andrew Mykle and Benson Urijah. - Three of my most recent family members. They made the list because I am so excited to discover the people that they will grow to be. It is so exciting to see adorable little babies grow into fascinating individuals.

7. John Titor - The mystery of this, most likely fictional creation, can pull me out of being a rational person to an obsessed conspiracy theorist, in seconds. He is most likely not a time traveler from the year 2032, and he is most likely not even a real person, but his insight into the state of our society as it is and how it evolves is amazing. I have read and reread his online forum transcripts countless times and never get tired of it. Every passing year brings new perspective to his words.

8. Ron Paul - On most issues I am on the complete opposite side of the fence of this man. However, I am fascinated by him in general. His ideas are often so off the beaten path compared to the average american politician, and they never waiver. He knows what he wants to say, he knows what he wants to do and he has a passion and a drive that is infectious. I don't think he will win the republican primaries. I certainly don't want him as the leader of our country, but he sure is fun to watch.

9. Jane Austen - Because her stories are always timeless and entertaining.

10. Anyone who is not afraid to be themselves no matter what the consequences may be.

day 6 - write 30 interesting facts about yourself

2012-01-15T18:56:00.000-05:00

Hopped on my blog for the first time in a while (obviously). I was doing this blog challenge, went on vacation (in August) and completely forgot about it. So, I am going to hop back in starting with day 6.

Wow, facts I can do, but interesting ... I don't know.
1. I was born in West Palm Beach Florida.
2. I have been to 16 different countries.
3. I took one semester of Japanese in college... I did not do well.
4. My heart has stopped and has had to be revived on two occasions.
5. I can fit my fist in my mouth.
6. I have been kicked out of the Vatican.
7. I have skinny dipped.
8. I have gotten a '98 Ford Escort stuck in a sand dune in the middle of nowhere.
9. I have taught High school.
10. I have never gone into labor, but I have a two year old son.
11. I lost a daughter.
12. I don't like cheese.
13. My first time skiing was in the Alps.
14. I have been in an airplane when the engines went out and had to make an emergency landing.
15. I have been overseas, on a vacation, with no reservations.
16. My son was 3lbs 2oz when he was born.
17. I would put olives on everything if I could.
18. I started riding horses when I was 6 years old.
19. I have never had a cavity.
20. I LOVE the dentist!
21. I never get sick of reading the John Titor Archives.
22. I have studied French, Russian and Danish, but I don't know how well I could speak at this point.
23. I have been bitten by a mysterious bug in the jungle that made my arm go numb.
24. I have been swimming in water with crocodiles (I got out once I saw them)
25. I have paid a toll with pennies.
26. I have worked in Canada while living in the United States.
27. I had ferrets for 7 years.
28. In May, 2012 I will have been with John for 13 years.
29. I love musicals!
30. For three of my first 5 dates with John we went to go see the Matrix.

day 5 - your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate

2011-08-24T14:23:00.000-04:00

My horoscope - The fire within you may be burning brightly, Sagittarius, but unfortunately, there isn't a great deal of fuel available to keep it going. It may seem as if people are trying to rain on your parade, but they're just trying to do their duty. Relax and contemplate what's going on around you. This may not be the best day to implement change and promote new ideas.
Yes! It is accurate! We are leaving to go on vacation. I am trying to pack and get organized. I am exhausted!!! I just cannot seem to get motivated to do what I need to do. It is funny because yesterday I was so "on the ball". I got so much done. Today I just want to sleep. Every task feels exhausting! My brain isn't thinking thoughts all the way through before it shuts off. I don't think anyone is trying to rain on my parade, except may myself.

day 4 - a list of things you’re good and bad at

2011-08-23T17:36:00.000-04:00

Things I am good at:
expressing myself
getting through difficult situations
being flexible and open minded
training/teaching
being a mommy
planning events (like vactions and parties)
drawing/painting
finding/researching obscure information
being creative
supporting friends and family
listening

Things I am bad at:
cleaning
keeping my home organized
driving (so I have been told )
dealing with daily stress
math
finding a job
being in a crowded room
having blood taken
drawing a strieght line

day 3 - write about your family

2011-08-22T17:13:00.000-04:00

As many do, I have a lot of family. I have to draw a line somewhere. So I am just going to write about the family I live with, that would include my husband and my son.

John is my other half. We have been together for over 12 years and we have been married for 3. When we met we were young and in college. When our relationship started we were just two students who wanted to experience life together. We have grown together. I love John more ever moment I know him. He is one of the most determined and loyal people I have ever know. He is an amazing father, I always knew he would be. Is eyes light up when he sees his son.

Lennon (Lenny) is a 2 year old. If you have ever known a 2 year old, you know Lenny. He is so full of raw joy that he can't contain it and it spreads to everyone around him. I have never been angry with him. Everything he does is wonderful and adorable in my eyes. When he does something "bad" I have to hide my face to keep from smiling. He laughs, he dances, he is a crazy little man. He is everyone's reason to smile when they run out of reasons.

day 2 - where you would like to be in 10 years

2011-08-21T11:09:00.001-04:00

This is a tough question, because I am pretty lost right now in some aspects of my life. In ten years it will be 2021 and I will be 40. I guess I would like to have more direction by that point. I hope to have a better grasp of what I should be doing with my life that is the best for my family. Right now my world is a little upside down as far as what I am doing. I have a wonderful family that I love dearly, but I am unemployed. I am torn mostly because being at home with my son everyday is by far one of the best experiences I have ever had. On the other hand, we are not making a whole lot of money, John is working two jobs, and making ends meet is becoming increasingly difficult. Money is not a focus in our life. I like it that way. But... we need to be able to take care of ourselves. What needs to happen is I either need to start bringing in more money, John needs to be able to bring in more money or I need to learn to better manage the money that is coming in. I am working on better managing the money that is coming in, but as far as the next ten years are concerned... I do not know what will be the best option at this point. If I am to get a job, should I continue doing what I have done in the past? I am a good trainer, but is that what I should be doing? It means I may have to be away from my family more then would be desirable. Should I venture into another career? If so what? Should I stay at home and focus on Lennon, and just do very careful budgeting? I don't know.... I guess the answer to "where would I like to be in the next 10 years" is that I would like to have these questions answered.

day 1 - introduce yourself

2011-08-20T11:01:00.002-04:00

I started this blog in 2010... I think. It would have been right at the beginning of 2010. I introduced myself then. I will have to read what I wrote then and compare it to what I am about to write... see if I am still the same person.
I am Julie. I am 30. I am Lennon's mom. I am John's other half. I lost a child, her name was Marlee. I am unemployed. I have two brother's, Mykle and Kevin. I have brown hair, brown eyes and I am extremely pale. I love my paleness. I also love my freckles after I have been out in the sun. My parents live and breath for their children and I love them for that. I am easily distracted. I have an active imagination. I adore animals, I sometimes place more respect on them then I do on other people. I am a bit of a shut in if I allow myself to be. I get insanely intence headaches that make all other pain in my live feel less significant. I love to experience life in all of its perspectives and dimensions. I love to plan trips. I love to witness moments that take my breath away. I am obsessed with ridiculous conspiracy theories, even when I know they are not true. I often come across over confident when I am nervous. I have a lot of Love in my life.
That is me in a nut shell. Day 1 down, 29 to go :)

30 Day Blog Challenge

2011-08-20T10:46:00.001-04:00

I want to get in the habit of writing more often. I thought this might be a good way to get started. We will see :)

30 Day Blog Challenge

1. introduce yourself
2. where you would like to be in 10 years
3. write about your family
4. a list of things you’re good and bad at
5. your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate
6. write 30 interesting facts about yourself
7. your favourite 10 people right now and why
8. write about something you believe in, anything at all
9. a list of things hanging on your walls
10. places you want to visit, and why
11. the best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given
12. bullet point your whole day.
13. write about your earliest childhood memory
14. what gives you every day inspiration?
15. things that make you really sad
16. things that make you really angry
17. your highs and lows of this past year
18. write about what’s most often on your mind
19. a passage from a book that has touched you
20. 5 things you’re looking forward to
21. your favourite subject to study
22. how have you changed in the past 2 years?
23. something you would like to change about yourself
24. something you would change about the world
25. things you do on a rainy day
26. is it easy for you to trust others?
27. what are features you get complimented on a lot?
28. something that you miss
29. what you think your reason for being here is
30. what is the difference between living and existing

Ages

2011-03-19T02:51:00.003-04:00

So it is 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am sort of half awake so pardon my grammar. I have had some insomnia over the last month or so. I just can't stop my mind from racing at night. Tonight I was laying in bed thinking about the last 4 years. They have been maybe the most life changing 4 years I have experienced. I think I am a different person then I was prior to 2007. I sort of grew up. Or at least grew into a new age of my life.

Before 2007 I was still "the student". I was out of university, but I still had that frame of mind. Absorbing the knowledge of others, I suppose. Taking life a little too seriously. Assuming I knew my place in this world. Not bending on my ideals. Having ideals and having a lot of carefree random fun. In in April 2007 I lost my first baby to a miscarriage. I think after that moment I moved into this new Age.

From April 2007 - Present, I have experienced the following: I bought a home, I became engaged and then married, I got a good job, bought a new car, my traveling became structured vacationing or work travel, I had 2 pregnancies, lost a child, experienced the sensation of not breathing on my own, learned to live with a pick line, has experienced daily visiting nurses, took in my little brother, was revitalized 2 times after my heart stopped, became a mother, watched my son live in a bubble for 2 months, experienced postpartum depression and severe anxiety attacks, went on disability and maternity leave, lost my grandmother, lost my good job, learned about unemployment, watched my son take his first step, went to the ER for the first time in my life, went back to the ER, sat in a waiting room while my son was in surgery, watched my son say his first word, lost 3 dear family pets, grew closer to John, watched my son turn into a little boy, learned more about myself, became confused, learned how insignificant and small I am in this world and excepted it...

I know it is kind of jumbled, and there is not a lot of detail about any one event. That is what has been going through my mind at night. Those are some of the thoughts that race through my mind. Reviewing my recent life. I think I just needed to write it down. Life is just a little too much sometimes. I don't regret a day, but it can be overwhelming. Just my life, just one life. How overwhelming is it to think that there are billions of people in this world. All of them small and insignificant, but with such a huge internal existence. It really is a strange reality.

My Life and Death Part III

2011-01-24T19:22:00.003-05:00

So I haven't blogged for a while. I have been meaning to finish writing about my first pregnancy for a long time. I think this will be the last part. I just wanted to write about grief. I don't think grief comes in stages that pass. I think grief comes in waves that ebb and flow. Sometimes it is overwhelming, emotional, painful and sometimes it is numb but it is always there. Especially the grief from losing a child. I shouldn't say that. All I have ever lost is a child. I don't know the other types of pain.

When I left the hospital I didn't go home. I actually never returned to the apartment where I lost my Marlee. While in the hospital John and I began the process of closing on our first home. Luckily most of the work was done before the hospital stay. John handled what was left. The house wasn't ready to move into so I stayed with my parents. This turned out to be a more practical solution anyway. I was sent home on an IV and I really needed assistance doing day to day activities. They turned their living room into a bedroom for me because I could not use the stairs. I felt helpless and empty. I was a child and not a mother. I was alone.

Every day the boxes I had kept my emotions, pain and grief in began to open. Each new box brought new tears, new pain, new anger. Days felt like years. Lonely empty years. I would wake up in the night and feel that Marlee was not there, was not with me, inside me and I would cry.
I stayed with my parents for about a month and then moved into my new home. It was hard to see the room we were going to turn into the nursery. It was a storage room for a while. Now it is an office. I am sitting in her room now. Every time I sit here I think about it being a little girl's room. With toys on the floor and hand drawn pictures on the wall. It is like she is here, with me.
My first summer after my loss was extremely difficult. I would have wildly uncontrollable melt downs. I would cry at the site of a baby on TV. I would fold the clothes that we had bought for her. I wished to be with her. I didn't want to live. I wish I had died in the hospital. I couldn't stand the thought of waking up another day. She was with me always, but it was like she was behind glass. I knew she was there, but I could never touch her, hug her or hear her laugh. Everyday I thought about what she would be doing if she was here with me, what she would look like. I wish I could have held her. I wish I could have known her smile. I wish I could have looked into her eyes and told her I loved her.
Weeks passed, months passed and years passed. I still think of Marlee everyday. I still feel empty. Her life was torn away from me. I still have nightmares about the day I knew I lost her. I still think about seeing her lifeless little body on the Ultra Sound screen and not seeing her little heart flicker. I miss her.
John and I decided to try to have another baby. I secretly thought another life inside me would make me feel complete again. Less empty. It didn't. My son is my life. I love him more then I thought I was able to love. He makes me want to wake up in the morning. He makes me want to live. I still feel empty though. I still miss Marlee.

I think of her hugging her baby brother, playing with her cousins. When my son reaches various milestones in his life I think about her. How I will never be there for her big days. I am not there for her first step, her first word, her first dance. I feel like I have abandoned my daughter in exchange for life. I wish she was here. I wish I could know her and see her.
It is hard. I think I bother people when I talk about her. I am not the only woman who has had a miscarriage. I just seem to talk about mine a lot. My life often revolves around my loss. A lot of people don't like hearing about it. I remember shortly after I lost Marlee talking to other women about "pregnancy stories" at a baby shower. People sort of ignored me. I wasn't talking about loosing my child, I was talking about morning sickness, ultra sounds and doctors. The same thing everyone else was talking about. When I spoke people looked at me funny and ignored me. Even now, when I talk about my "first" pregnancy compared to my "second" people don't like to hear what I have to say. People don't like to hear that I grieve for a child I never met. They either do not understand my pain, or choose to ignore it. I just don't want the world to forget her. I don't want to forget her. She is my daughter.

Dear John

2010-06-22T00:54:00.001-04:00

Our second wedding anniversary is on Sunday. I just wanted to let you know what you mean to me. I still don't really think of you as a "husband", I think of you more as my universe. Like the universe, in the last 11 years our relationship has been constantly expanding. Every experience, memory and hardship adds to our existence as a couple.

You woke me up. I was drifting in a dream before I met you, and I love you for that. You touched me and I woke up. The first time we met. You made contact with me. You made it okay to touch, to feel, to hold. I am forever grateful to you. You listened to me for hours. We spoke, we laughed, we cried. You understood why I need you. I understood why you need me. You made me whole. You still make me whole.

Thank you for everything you have done for us. Thank you for sleeping with me on the bottom bunk. Thank you for picking me up from UB on 9/11. Thank you for the trip to Cleavland. Thank you for listening to my issues and making me feel like they are important. Thank you for coming to Thanksgiving Dinner. Thank you for bring Beatles CDs to the ICU. Thank you for sleeping next to me every night you can. Thank you for living with all the fuzzy things in our home. Thank you for putting up with my insanity. Thank you for returning the fruit. Thank you for knowing how to talk to people. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making everyone around you laugh too. Thank you for taking me to the park. Thank you for letting me have Toci. Thank you for Lennon.

I love you. I love when you look at my eye ball. I love when you draw ducks and clouds jumping on trampolines. I love that you touched that deer in the forest. I love that you had a hippo sticker in your Corolla. I love you for laughing at the rubber hand on the roof of the dirty youth hostel in London. I love you for getting a B in SCIENCE. I love that you think Lennon is going to bump his head. I love that you love cartoons. I love that old ladies love you. I love that you talk to gas station attendants for 15 minutes about their life. I love that you actually really care about the gas station attendant's life. I love that you dream of being Italian. I love that you are a great dad. I Love that you are my universe.

I Love You Phillip Morris - Review

2010-05-24T23:46:00.001-04:00

I just finished watching "I Love you Phillip Morris" starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. A dark romantic comedy based on a true story, about Steven Russell (Jim Carrey) coming to terms with his identity.

I love true love stories. Love doesn't always come easy, and usually that is because of personal demons we have to face in our life. I think that is where Steven Russell is coming from. He has love all around him. He loves perfectly. Even the loves in is life that don't work out, like his ex-wife and his first boy friend, seem to not work out in a pleasant way. He destroys his relationships with lies, but lies he tells are for the people he loves. Like a gift. If he didn't love he wouldn't lie. Even from the the beginning of the film Steven lies about his sexuality and marries a women to be a "good son" for his mother. His lies eventually lead him down a path where he repeatedly looses his identity.

Steven's lies turn into insurance fraud and land him in prison. There he meet Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor) and falls deeply in love. This was not a traditional atmosphere for two people to be romantic. What I loved about the movie though was that it didn't matter. When Steve and Phillip were together they where the only two people in the universe. That is the kind of love that touches me. That is the kind of love that I can relate to. It doesn't matter what you do, or where you are because you are together and that is all that matters. There is a scene when Phillip bribes another inmate to play romantic music on the prison PA (very Shawshank), Phillip and Steve dance in there cell as if they are in Paris. It was touching, real, and the perfect illustration of new love.

Unfortunately after being released from prison Steve falls back into his old patterns and begins to live his life as a lie again in order to make money to provide Phillip with anything his heart desires, despite Phillip's heart desiring only Steve. As Steve becomes more involved in his web of lies he looses track of what is important. Phillip and Steve now live in a huge mansion, but they have lost the intimacy they had when they shared their prison cell. Phillip is no longer the only person in Steve's universe. He now has a growing list of colleagues that he must impress and deceive in order to keep up his lie and keep the money rolling in.

In the end Steve must discover his true self, he is a man that lies, but loves too, and loves Phillip Morris with all his heart.

I loved this movie. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor where completely believable as two people deeply in love. I found myself routing for them the whole time. Despite their many flaws ( they did meet in prison after all), it was such a pure love. A love that kept drawing these two men back together. Everything Steve did illegal, or unethical I found completely forgivable because he did it with love. He truly felt he was doing the best he could to provide for his mother, his wife, his daughter his lover, it was all done in love, every lie unselfish. At least in movie land I find that forgivable and even beautiful.

Regret

2010-04-20T23:42:00.001-04:00

I was looking through my old journal. I wrote this a few weeks before I lost Marlee in 2007. I clearly was having issues with morning sickness. Shortly after I miscarried I remember looking at it and I have been kind of scared to write in my journal since. Please don't mind me, in a weird way this is therapeutic for me. Here is what I wrote:

Eat, double over, eat, double over... Meet me in paradise. I will never see you there... Every thing smells like sweet berry vomit. I can't. My headaches are gone. The bad ones are gone. The spot and bugs and invisible images are gone. The voices are gone, the sparks are gone. The adventure and love and beauty are gone. The trees fell down and died. The perfect trees. The water froze over. The homes fell down. The money destroyed them all. The child eats me from the inside out. But I need reason. I have it but I don't. I am not me.. I am her... I summond her and lost myself. I invoked a spirit with the price of my life. You cannot return a gift from paradise. Double over.

My Life and Death Part II -"...for in that sleep of death what dreams may come."

2010-04-20T22:44:00.003-04:00

I remember waiting to go into the OR for my DNC. I remember the nurse telling me I would be out soon. I remember seeing the nurse and doctors pushing me into the room lifting me off the bed and laying me on the cold operating table. I thought I was screaming for them to stop. I thought I was crying. Thinking back I couldn't have been because even if I was concious, I couldn't breath enough to yell out or cry. After that I was out.

When I woke up what happened over the next couple of days was the closest thing to a living hell and heaven I have experienced. I am not a religious person. I cannot really put the events into chronological order because time lost all meaning. I was in a waking dream. Eternity was now and everywhere. There was no past and no future. There is peace in that.

I remember first thinking where is my baby and where am I, in that order. Then I remember taking a breath and nothing happening. Nothing at all. People in uniforms quickly reconnected several tubes. Breath came back, but it was painful. I noticed then that my face was full of tubes to breath for me. I had to think of every breath. Every breath brought pain. My OBGYN came in and told me my heart had stopped and I had died in the OR. He also told me how riddled with MRSA my body was. It was in my blood, my lungs, my heart, my brain, my spine and anywhere else that mattered. During my week in the ICU I would hear nurses outside my room discussing my imminent death between shifts.

I could not cry or mourn my daughter's death, because if I did I would stop breathing. My days were spent counting breaths and having tests done. The tests were bad. The worst is what I believe is called an air gas test? I don't really know what it is for, but they took a needle and put it in my wrist, and it felt like they were scraping it around in my veins. I am cringing remembering it. When ever I was able to sleep I would always be woken up by x-ray technician lifting my onto a cold metal slab. Th IVs were horrible as well. I woke up one morning with three in one arm and two in the other. The worst IVs were those in the hands and wrists. The worst medicine was the potassium. They had it pumping into my arm through an IV, it burned.

Every thought that made my cry I had to box up in my mind. Put it in a box and concentrate on breathing, look at the monitor, look at the numbers, listen to the beeps, wiggle my toes, breath, repeat. Talk to the nurse, does she have a family, whats her name, why is she here. Listen to the girl dieing in the next room, she had cancer, she sounded young, a girl, maybe a teen, maybe she doesn't drive yet, maybe she never made love, maybe she has a dog, maybe the dog will miss her... don't cry, put that in a box.

I saw my Grandma Roth. She was in a blue light, it was not blue, it was another color that is not real but it was her aura. She was with another woman, a tall strong woman I did not know, she held a blanket. They wrapped Marlee Kay in the blanket and loved her and loved me. A tall man in a long coat came. I did not say goodbye because there was no reason too, Marlee Kay is with me even now in my heart. Why say goodbye if she is always with you? I left the light. The man took me through a series of crumbling structures when we emerged from the final structure there was a tree. We seemed to be standing in front of one of my childhood homes. The tree was huge. We watched a branch crack, pop and fall from the tree and land in its twisted roots. It twisted into the roots and became a part of them, supporting the life of the tree. Death was beautiful.

When I woke up I felt sad, peace, trapped, found and then lost again. I craved death. I wanted to be a part of the roots tangled with Marlee for eternity. Loving. Life changed. Everything became abstract except the energy of life and the universe. To die would to be pure again, to be away from what isn't real. Time, Buildings, Money, Work, School, Food, Clothes, Religion, Politics, Vacation, Location. Everything lost all meaning for me. None of it was real. I am still coping excepting the reality of some of these things, these unnecessary inventions of mankind. Get over it people!!!! Love you family!!! The End! That is it, there is no more. You are important in NO other way, but in loving your family(which doesn't mean blood relations) you are the most important person. You connect with every life you encounter. Every connection will come back to you on you death bed. When they say on your death bed life flashes before your eyes, they do not mean the vacation you took to Disney when you were 7. Life is the connections you make and the love you disperse, so be wise.

John came in, he brought a CD player from Aunt Laurie's house. It had a Beatles CD in it. I listened to it. The nurse liked the Beatles, so she let John stay in the ICU past visiting hours. He wanted to hug me, but I had to many tubes. I cannot even imagine his side to this story. He has told me bits and pieces. Like I said in my last post. What happened to us is very difficult to revisit in conversation.

I wanted death, all I had to do was stop trying and I could die. Stop counting the breaths. I learned another important lesson in the ICU, instinct. My instinct trumps my wish to die. I craved death so bad it was one thing that at one point I could not box in and I started crying, next thing I knew every doctor on the floor was in my room because all of my monitors went off. Every time I woke up from sleep I was disappointed. I wanted to return to no pain, peace, no time and Marlee. I knew John would be okay, I knew it would work out for him eventually if I was gone. He would mourn, but life goes on. Life went on for me as well.

I became stronger, I could stop counting, I went "home"

Why I am not a teacher

2010-04-19T20:12:00.003-04:00

I went to grad school for secondary social studies education. I dipped my toe in the teaching ocean for about half a second and then ran for my life. Everyone always asks me "why don't you just teach?" They always reminded me of the short days, the summers off and the holidays. I do not want to teach! Teaching is bad.... I mean really bad! Maybe some people out there like it, more power to them, but it is not for me. Let me explain to you all my experience "teaching" the youth of this country.

First I think I should explain my motivation. I want to say that I did not initially go to school to teach. I earned my B.A. in History, concentrating in classical and ancient history. When I finished my undergrad degree I knew I wanted to continue my education but I was not sure what I wanted to do. I debated going all the way with history and eventually becoming a professor, but that would be a lot of time and money committed to a career that I was not positive I wanted. I thought teaching might allow me to experiment with grad school and writing subject curriculum, public speaking and so on.... All things I figured would help me in the future if I did eventually decide to become a professor.

I love history. I love talking about history. I love learning about how cultures evolve and interact over space and time and discussing new ideas and theories about how past events played out and how they effect us today. I got into teaching because I like standing in front of a group of people and running my mouth about what I love. I did not get into teaching because I like kids (doesn't mean I don't like them, it just wasn't my reason).

I will try to keep this as short as I can. My love of history ruined my ability to teach high school. Social Studies in New York State (and I would imagine in the rest of the states) is a joke. Like other subjects the curriculum is based exclusively off of the Regents exam. So as a teacher it is your job to teach the students the skills to preform well on the Regents exam (this will lead to potential funding for the school district). The Regents exam consists mainly of multiple choice questions and a short essay on a ridiculous topic. The "facts" that are learned are extremely "american bias" they show very little if any perspective of any other cultures. There is very little history taught of any other region of the world. By far the most frustrating aspect of American High School Social Studies is the complete and utter exclusion of geography! I once asked a student to point to Japan on a world map. They responded "that is the capitol of China, right?" and then pointed to Europe.

I could no longer participate in the Americanized version of reality that schools cram into students. American perspective certainly has its place, but, you can not reflect without a mirror. We need to teach our students that other, foreign, different perspectives are not bad, but help us learn more about ourselves and our place in this world. I certainly could not compromise myself and these children. It was a nightmare.

Instead of hoping to have an accident on the way to work everyday so I could go to the hospital instead of to the classroom, I decided to change my career path. That is why I do not teach!

My Life and Death Part I

2010-03-07T18:22:00.002-05:00

I felt like writing. Not much has happened this week other then work, so I thought I might write a bit about what has happened to me over the past couple of years. I have always thought of myself as someone who really has a grasp on who I am and how I fit into this life. In the last three years my life has been torn apart put back together and torn apart again. I had to leave the understanding of myself and my life behind and grasp on to pure instinct to stay alive. All that makes me who I am I had to box up in my mind and leave behind. I am still trying to re open the boxes, three years later. I use to write a lot. I kept a journal, I wrote poetry and short stories. That all went into the box. Writing about this topic tends to be to difficult for me. I do try. I get out a bit, then have to stop. Even when talking about it with friends and family, it never comes out as a whole, but in bits and pieces. I think I may drive people crazy with it.

For those of you who do not know, in the winter of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected but not unwanted. John and I were certainly scared, but excited too. We knew a baby would be a challenge at the point we were at in our lives, but we knew everything would work out because it always does. I still believe that.

My pregnancy was uncomfortable but nothing uncommon. I had some pretty serious morning sickness all hours of the day. The doctor said that was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Early into my second trimester I began to feel great again. I was staying with a friend, Andrea and her roommate, Brad in Canada and they made me a real dinner one night. I was able to eat everything they made for the first time in months. I remember feeling so good. That dinner felt so good. I thought I was in the clear and the rest of my pregnancy would be a breeze. I was with Andrea in Canada for about a week. I was suppose to go home for the weekend and then return to Canada for the following week. It was our company's annual user conference so I needed to be up there more then I usually do. I didn't mind. I enjoyed staying with Andrea. We would have a lot of girl talk, watch period movies and pig out on Swiss Chalet chicken. I always looked forward staying with her.

That weekend I came home. A friend of John's invited us to go to church that Sunday. This is all I remember from that weekend. We do not really go to church. I am an atheist and John is Catholic. When he feels like going I will occasionally go with him just to keep him company. This only happens about once or twice a year. This time I went with him. The service was uneventful. About half way through a little boy, about three or four years old, turned around, looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "Are you Lucifer?" It was kind of creepy. Looking back on the events to follow, it was really creepy. I do not believe in good and evil, black and white, god or the devil. I do believe that we humans, just like any animal, can sense when something is terribly wrong. I think this little boy might have caught on to this, I think that is what he was trying to tell me.

The next morning I was still feeling great so I went to work (in Canada) and planned to spend the week. Monday night I went to Andrea's house as usual. She had a little get together that night. Nothing crazy just girls hanging out. This is when it started. It was like I dropped, fell, completely fine to completely horrible. The moment it happened was visible because the girls noticed I turned grey. The nausea came storming back. I could smell everything, just like earlier in the pregnancy. I had a horrible pounding headache. I went to bed early and hoped tomorrow would bring better health.

Tuesday morning I woke up still feeling like I had been hit by a train. I did not go to work. I stayed at Andrea's and slept the entire day waking up only at times that the nausea overcame me. That is all I remember from Tuesday.

I slept in Wednesday and then convinced myself that I was well enough to go to work. When I got there I sat at my desk and my boss, Linda, walked by, took one look at me and told me I need to go home. I did. The drive from the office in Burlington to my apartment in Tonawanda, NY was about an hour and a half depending on traffic and the border. It took me about 4 hours that day. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to keep pulling over to rest. I kept telling myself that if I could just get as far as the border I would be okay. There is a hospital right at the border so I think that was my logic. When I got to the border the border agent took one look at me and knew something was wrong. My parents live right over the border. I think if they didn't, he would have not let me go. I went to my parents house. No one was home. I went up stairs, called John to let him know where I was and then fell asleep.

John and I slept at my parents that night. Honestly that Wednesday felt like it spanned about 4 days. The next morning John drove me back to our apartment. Thursday afternoon in addition to the other symptoms, I started wheezing. Breathing was becoming difficult, especially when I lied down to try and sleep. I tried so hard to sleep. Night came. I kept waking John up to tell him I couldn't breath. I had a fever, a high fever, I was hot. John took me to the ER.

I remember sitting in the waiting room. A soap opera was on. I don't watch soaps so I don't know which one it was. A woman in the soap opera just lost her baby. I panicked, John turned the channel. I could feel everyone in the room. I could feel their pity and pain for me.

The ER that night was uneventful. I felt horrible. More sick then I ever felt. They watched me, tested me, medicated me and told me I had the flu. The ultrasound could not find my baby's heartbeat. The doctor said it was because of the position of the baby. I now think that is bullshit. I later found out that on my paperwork from that night someone stated that they did indeed find the heartbeat. This is also bullshit. They sent me home.

Friday was hell. I was tired, my fever was rising and when I would lay down to rest, I could not breath. That night John slept in the spare room to try and make me more comfortable. I rotated between the bed and the coach trying to find a position I could breath in. I remember crying and wishing I wasn't pregnant so I didn't have to feel the way I did. I regret that. Shortly after I fell asleep. I woke up to a warm sensation, it was blood.

John took me back to the ER. I hadn't "miscarried" I was just bleeding. They couldn't tell if the baby was dead or alive. I knew. That night was long. The whole time I lay in the ER. Each new shift of doctors, nurses and residents would come and require a re-telling the explanation of my condition. I was still bleeding. They still didn't know if my baby was dead. I still had a high fever. I still couldn't breath. They put my on oxygen. One resident with an African accent seemed concerned. He wanted to test me for MRSA. He seemed angry no one had tested me yet for MRSA. It turned out that is what I had. I would later discover that the MRSA was everywhere. In my lungs, in my heart, in my blood and in my baby.

An OBGYN finally came to the ER to see me. She sent me for an ultrasound. I waited alone in a hall, waiting to go into the ultrasound room. I was scared. I was wheeled on a hospital bed into the dark room where the machine waited. The technician began her scan. As she captured the images of my baby she would write letters over the image and draw arrows to different parts of my baby. I asked her what they meant. She looked upset. I cried. It was very hard to cry because I couldn't breath, but I did. I don't know when my baby died, but I found out she was dead on Friday, April 13, 2007. Her name was Marlee Kay.

I would die the following day. I will write about that in part II. I think I have to stop writing now because this has gotten pretty long.

No Religion - From a note I wrote on Facebook

2010-03-01T18:20:00.003-05:00

I wrote this for a note on Facebook. I think I will post it here. It really describes my life philosophy.

The gods are the personalities we give to the parts of the world and the universe that we do not understand, but we know are true. We know the sky is above us, the earth is below us, we will all live and die, and we are capable of feeling love, but we don't always understand why. If we personify the earth, the sky, death and love, than we have someone to ask the questions that we cannot, or could not answer...that is if we can ask the right questions. Why does the earth shake? How did the sky come to be above the earth? What happens to our soul after death? Maybe if we can figure out the right questions to ask, the gods or god, we might get an answer. If we do not get an answer maybe the gods believe it is beyond our understanding, that we are not worthy, ready, or just were unable to ask the right question in the right way. As our questions change so do our gods. When our own knowledge answers our own questions about our world, certain gods disappear, merge together, or loose there purpose. We defeat the gods and religion with knowledge. In the garden of Eden the poison in the fruit was knowledge. Religion and the leaders and founders of religions demonize knowledge in fear of loosing control of there believers. The more we understand the less relevant religion is in our lives and the more we have to justify believing. There are still unanswered questions, and there will probably always be unanswered questions. Personally I do not think we need answers to all the questions. I think we all would be better off excepting we may never have all the answers and we are insignificant in the universe.
I have always internally fought the idea of religion and gods, but as a child questioned my “disobedience” to our culture, despite being raised with no particular religion or belief. I do not question anymore. I have been dead twice. My experience with death, for me, has justified my lack of belief and my lack of religion.
I am at peace with my insignificance in this world. I see its beauty everyday in the sky in the trees in my love for Lennon and for John. That is enough for me. The love and beauty that surround me everyday is enough to fill my heart. I do not need a god or a religion to tell me I am important, or life is important, or death is important. In the grand scheme of the universe I am not important, but I am happy and I love. That is enough for me.

Powder Keg Festival - Buffalo, NY

2010-03-01T12:30:00.010-05:00

Over the weekend my husband and I decided to take Lennon down town to the Powder Keg Festival. It is suppose to be the "new" local winter festival. I was pretty excited. The idea reminded me of when I was a kid growing up in Saranac Lake, NY. Every February the town would put on a winter festival complete with parades, games, crafts, and an ice castle with fireworks! I remember looking forward to it every year. I was thrilled that Lennon might have a chance to be a part of a similar tradition in his home town. Unfortunately we were greatly disappointed.

My Issues with the festival:

1. Total lack of organization. It just felt like complete chaos! People not knowing where to go or what to do.

2. Lack of visual stimulation. The organizers of this event had a huge opportunity to make Buffalo a winter wonder land! Parades with costumes, impressive ice sculptures and street performers could have all played a part in this. Maybe even some reindeer? Or Sleigh rides? Any thing to make it a little more "magical". They did have Ice sculpture presentations, but compared to other winter fests I have been to they were not impressive. There was an Ice labyrinth... that is a good idea, but it could have been better. Put sculptures in the labyrinth! Maybe add an ice slide?

3. The organizers seemed to steer clear of the water front. All the money and effort put into making a beautiful waterfront, and no one ever seems to use it! The whole festival doesn't have to be there, but set something up... use it for something!!!!

What they should do again next year:

1. Closing an off ramp and turning it into a tubing hill was a really cool idea! The line to use it was kind of insane, but that was because it was the only thing really worth doing at the festival.

2. The beer tent with band (this is never a bad idea)

3. The boy scouts demonstration of building an igloo. Good job boy scouts! My only suggestion would be to maybe have multiple troops involved. Like a boy scout igloo making contest.

4. The ice labyrinth. Good idea, but like I said before it could have been a lot better.

5. Summer sports in the snow... neat! They should play this up next year and add more sports.

I hope they make another attempt at this next year, and I hope they learn from their mistakes. I think this could have the potential to be a lot of fun.

Trying out the blogging thing

2010-03-01T11:20:00.009-05:00

I thought maybe I should try blogging. I use to like writing and keeping a journal, but I haven't really done any writing since about 2007, so I am a little rusty.

I suppose I should write a little about myself. I have been married for 2 years but have been with my husband, John, for 11 years. We met at the end of my senior year of High School. He took me to my prom. I wasn't even going to go to prom, I am not really about social gatherings. I met John on his birthday, we hit it off and my friend Amy convinced me that asking him to prom would be a good idea. She was right. John and I have been together ever since. We have a 6 month old little boy, Lennon. He is adorable, and I am so happy to have him. He was born about two months premature and spent 2 months in the NICU. It was very difficult. I ended up suffering from postpartum depression and severe anxiety as a result of the experience. That will probably be another blog.

We live in upstate New York, where I have lived much of my adult life. I enjoy it here. I love the seasons, the natural wonders and the architecture in the area. John wants to leave the area but is sort of lost to which direction he wants to go. I am happy here until he figures it out. I don't think I have ever really been to or lived in a place that I can say I dislike. I think the people you surround yourself with are more important then where you happen to be located. That being said we do LOVE to travel! I love to escape to new places, meet new people and discover new ways to understand the world and myself. I will most likely blog about some of our adventures. We tend to get lost and end up in ridicules situations. It is a lot of fun. I can't wait to show Lennon the world.

In addition to our people family, I also have a fuzzy family. I love animals. I think I can probably say that I put them above people on the scale of who is more important in this world. I like how instinct dictates their decisions. I think a lot of people are in denial of their instinct. In my opinion instinct is one of the many pieces of ourselves that make us who we are, embrace it. Anyway, our home consists of three ferrets, two cats, a chihuahua mix pup, and a love bird. Having an animal family keeps us down to earth, reminds us what is important in life and most importantly helps us laugh everyday.

That is me in a nut shell. I will probably also be blogging about culture, religion/mythology, movies and other general interests.