Recollections Gone Wild!!!

2025-04-09T10:11:00.000-05:00

So much has imploded over the last few months.

In a twist of irony, I have peace because so much of it has been caused by me being a fool and deserving of stuff blowing up.

I have more peace now than I did months or even years ago.

So much is in chaos and there is so much more bad I deserve... yet it seems things may improve.

May, being the operative word.

However, if things get worse, I am at peace because I deserve the worst and am grateful for any good.

Of Shadows and Reality

2025-03-03T02:13:00.000-06:00

Even after being told I am forgiven and loved... how do I move forward?

I want to beat myself senseless, do something to cause harm, do something that would damage... but that wouldn't make her better...

Maturity is accepting the things we can change and the things we cannot change. I cannot change the past, I can take back actions that have caused pain and destruction. What I can change is how I move forward, to show respect, to stop running from reality, and to grow up.

"Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows"

-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Moving forward means stepping into the pain of Reality. A Reality that I am still unsure of but is more real than the lies I told myself and told the world.

Each step is painful and I do deserve pain... but it's not pain of berating myself up but the pain of moving from shadow to reality.

2025-02-27T15:11:00.000-06:00

"This vacant emptiness
This hollow is eating
Stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
The slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
Something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
This brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by spectres of what might be
Of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
We have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

-Roper, "Quicksilver"

2025-02-27T13:55:00.003-06:00

After nearly destroying everything I claimed to care about...

Where does one even begin?

It's not even an issue of walking back to the start and beginning again because it's like I no longer see it...

Prayers.

Hope.

But they don't mean anything without real and substantial action.

2025-02-25T01:43:00.003-06:00

After either destroying or nearly destroying everything that matters, the only way is forward and the only way out is through...

2024-04-20T22:55:00.001-05:00

The Dark Wind howls...

This is Still Here?

2023-06-12T19:38:00.002-05:00

Huh.

This thing is still here.

*Blows dust off of blog and then precedes to cough and hack., hack and cough, and any further combination of the two things.*

Some days I wonder if the world would be better if I simply fade away into obscurity.

Other days I feel the pounding, the draw, and the need to not just Be but Create and Share and Ignite.

Someone once told me it was never too late to start moving in the right direction. Honestly, it has been so long since I felt a certainty about a certainty, but maybe the time is the time is right.

Maybe.

If nothing else I need to do some dusting...

For Who May Come and See

2022-12-03T23:49:00.003-06:00

For God's sake, if you are leaving me a comment and want me to contact you, LEAVE MORE INFORMATION SO YOU CAN BE FOUND!

All the comments are moderated so information is protected and not posted.

At the bloody least, make an account before you send the comment so I can attempt finding you and sending a message in someway or another.

Wondering and Wandering

2022-12-03T23:42:00.002-06:00

I check here, rarely.

I used to post, frequently.

I struggle to make sense of comments left but never posted...

Hope and hoping but... so much has been in shade, never seeing light, maybe never even passing into life...

What was, what is, what is forever the now...

But, was it real?

Did you feel as I did?

Do I dare wonder and hope it might have been more... or truth?

I know to come back with any hope is foolish.

I dare dream, I dare wonder.

I know it's a fool's errand, yet I return.

I hope.

Rumors of Another World

2022-06-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

Despite my body's best effort, I am someone still alive.

I wonder how you are.

I wonder if you are okay.

I wonder how often you smile at the everyday.

Of course, I wonder if you ever think of me.

Are there any good or happy thoughts?

Or is it just the worst parts of me?

Regardless, I wish you nothing but love and peace. You deserve only to be happy and to find daily joy.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll stop beating myself up.

But in reality, I doubt it can ever be that easy.

Life after Life After Death

2020-10-26T21:47:00.002-05:00

Long time no post.

I wonder if anyone still comes here...anyone wonder what happened to me.

The old me has died several times already.

There are many benefits to dying.

Life is more dark and broken than I ever knew as a child.

But there is also so much more Light.

I miss you all.

Please drop me a line.

2014-02-16T22:06:00.001-06:00

Life without hope is not life - it is nothing but a poorly disguised farce.

2014-02-07T22:30:00.001-06:00

I have to wonder who, what, where, when and how?

Just give your Judas kiss and let us dance this dance already.

2014-02-07T01:50:00.001-06:00

To see so many variables flitter about in possibility and see the lone singular arise as lone and cold...is curious and strangely comforting.

2014-02-05T22:53:00.001-06:00

Hi enemy.

Please douse yourself in liberal amounts of my apathy and general ignoring

And occasional rolled eyes and muttered prayer.

Stars and Light

2014-02-03T01:12:00.001-06:00

To see such a sea,

endless waves

an oceans of stars

burning so bright.

How i wish you could see

that we could join hands.

But alas,

some things

are not meant to be.

2014-02-02T02:36:00.001-06:00

I miss having my Kitsune in my life...I hooe things reaolve and we can speak again soon.

2014-02-01T13:00:00.001-06:00

A mile marker indicating I have not and refuse to yield and die.

Past and Now

2014-01-31T01:42:00.001-06:00

Why must so many memories persist?

Being here in Jacksonville is such a mixed bag.

Memories.

Beauty, pain, love, lies, betrayal... Reminders that humans are in fact human and the word Love is just a word.

We give words their meanings by their actions.

If my life is to have any worth I have to make that choice for myself and my God, is it excruciating

Why?

I am still looking.

I have refused to yield to the Reaper.

That may be my strongest words so far.

One day I will have more answers.

One day soon.

2014-01-24T17:56:00.001-06:00

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this
maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending
That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend.
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner
And everything's done under the sun,
And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

2014-01-20T23:52:00.001-06:00

I miss you.

2014-01-07T06:17:00.001-06:00

So it seems cold affect Rhuemtoid Arthritis.

Ouchie.

New Year Soon

2013-12-30T23:17:00.001-06:00

So close to a new year.

Will the change even matter?

I hope something does.

2013-12-28T03:35:00.001-06:00

I have everything and nothing to say.

2013-12-26T23:46:00.001-06:00

I think it may be the tears that I hate the most.