Reflections

In Camera

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Fri, 02 Oct 2026 15:46:00 +0000

Years ago, in post-World War II France, existentialist playwright Jean Paul Sartre shook the intellectual world with his play called "Huis clos". About a decade ago, I was given the daunting task of teaching this masterpiece to a mini group of very intellectually alert students of 'Diplôme Supérieur' - a course that I was then teaching at the Alliance Française de Kolkata. I did teach the course to the best of my ability after painstakingly researching everything there was to research about it and its author.But I continued to be intrigued by the fact that the title of the book somehow became "In Camera" (a legal term, meaning a discussion behind closed doors) in its American version, I could never figure out why this name haunted me and disturbed me profoundly . In the over-anxious effort of doing my 'job' well (and this continues to be an ongoing obsession) I missed out one vital thing : I did not relate it to life and therefore did not quite understand then, the implications of the American name "In Camera".

The plot of the play , in brief, is a depiction of the afterlife in which three deceased characters, Garcin, Inès and Estelle, are punished by being locked into a room together for eternity. These three damned souls are thrown together in a supposed 'hell' and each is in denial of ever having committed a crime. They had all expected medieval torture devices to punish them for eternity, but instead find a plain room furnished in Second French Empire style. None of them will admit the reason for their damnation: Garcin says that he was executed for being a pacifist, while Estelle insists that a mistake has been made. Inès, however, demands that they all stop lying to themselves and confess to their crimes. She refuses to believe that they all ended up in the room by accident and soon realizes that they have been placed together to make each other miserable. [Plot synopsis: courtesy Wikipedia]

Then Life happened to me as it does to some people. I say some people, and not everybody, for a reason. In my view most people go through life as if on a journey, collecting tags on the suitcase [name, education, profession, marital status, accomplishment and so on] on the way. Very few, the 'some people' I referred to, are the chosen few who look behind the curtains into the dark room to come face to face with the horrors that you do not want to acknowledge even exist. The agony of looking deep into the abyss happens due to what I now call perspective, for want of a more appropriate word. This agony, as I now figure, was the central theme of Sartre's play "In Camera" that deluded me in my youth.

Perspective is defined as a mental view or outlook. Your perspective is influenced by so much and luckily is not set in stone. Your life experiences, your learning journey, the people you meet, culture, geographic location and the language you speak contribute to your current perspective. It's like looking through a lens, that of a camera, the one that is in your hands as a composite factor of all of these experiences that have shaped your perspective.

My own perspective was predetermined by world history as well as my family’s personal history. It has been molded since then by living amongst different communities, speaking four languages and by traveling to the extent that I did. As you go through life, you begin to have a worldview. You mistake your version of reality for THE version of reality. Each of us has a biased worldview because we are all limited to a single camera perspective. That is we can only see what comes before us, we can only hear what is around us, and we can only read that which is in front of us. No one has the definitive version of reality. The clash of perspectives happens when there are "others" participating in the same situations that you are a part of.

I look at people and am reminded of the metaphor of an iceberg in relationship to culture. Only 10% of their cultural being is visible to me above the water surface. The way they dress, the way they speak, their food they eat, games they play, their literature, traditions and celebrations. 90% of who they are is below the surface: the concept of time, their relationship to death, their rules of conduct, personal space, tolerance of physical pain, roles in relationship to age, class, sex and kinship. People and cultures that are so different from my own have taught me, if anything, to know that nothing is set in stone. Any “truth” you hold dear, opinion, conviction which is shared with everyone around you in your geographic location can make you an instant outsider when in another place or simply among a different group of people.

If, on the other hand, you put culture aside, and think only in terms of the 'being', even then every other 'being' is an outsider looking at you through the lens of her/his camera and therefore silently judging you or compelling you to judge yourself. This silent game of guilt, judgement, punishment and retribution goes on relentlessly. As humans we are social beings, but as Sartre showed more than half a century ago, as long as we remain "In Camera" there is no need to be banished to a geography called 'hell', we are carrying our 'hell' around us, right in the here and now. Incidentally the other versions of Sartre's masterpiece have also been called No Exit and Dead End.

What's for dinner?

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Tue, 15 Sep 2026 15:21:00 +0000

It was 8.30 p.m. in the evening and my husband had come to pick me up from office. He had taken an early evening off, been home to freshen up, taken our daughter out for ice-cream. Then the two were there for me at the appointed time.

So far so good...

The moment I entered the car the first question hurled at me was, "Ma, what's for dinner?” by my daughter, of course, and I also caught a glimpse of my husband's head tilting expectantly towards me. I had had an especially strenuous day at work and my instant reaction was irritation at having no answer ready for that question and yet being compelled to answer it. I charged back asking why I was being asked that question even though her 'Dad' had been home before me and had had time to plan something, which of course he hadn't. She was genuinely surprised at my reaction, and simply said, “because we always ask you." I was ashamed of my behavior, but too stressed to apologize. An awkward silence prevailed after that, to be dispelled by my husband proposing that we eat out.

If you come to think of it, this is one of those questions that many women have been answering across cultures and across generations. They have never wondered as to why they have to have an answer. Perhaps it is only of late that some of us have begun to question the legitimacy of that question as we have gone out of our hearths and carved our own niches in the world outside as professionals in different fields. We have begun asking why, the man of the house seldom, if ever, has to worry about planning and executing meals, let alone having to answer that question.

It would be presumptuous to assume that all men enjoy this ‘peripheral status’ where decision-making rights regarding planning and executing meals is concerned although I am pretty sure most do. What about women? Do women resent the fact that they have to answer the ‘what’s for dinner’ question almost every day? Again it would be presumptuous to assume so. Would I cause outrage if I said that women on the one hand enjoy having the exclusive rights to answer that question, and on the other hand, fake resentment to use for their feminist agendas as and when it suits them? There is a poll alongside this article to gauge the most probable answer to that quesion.

I, for one, love the feeling of being cared for if I am reassured by my partner that dinner would be his responsibility on a certain hectic day. I am blissful at the thought of returning to a warm meal that I have neither had to plan, nor execute. BUT, this positive feeling turns into one of threat if it continues for as short a period as three consecutive evenings. Understandably, the male in the equation cannot fathom this! He exclaims “You women… are a mystery”

What is this power-equation that women associate with the whole food affair? Where does it come from? What is its history?

Talking about history, I am reminded about a scene in a popular Hindi film released last year apparently based on the story of Emperor Akbar and his favorite queen Jodha. When challenged by a certain senior member of her in-law family about her place in the royal kitchen, the newly wedded queen takes a stand by stating that it is the prerogative of every married woman (“har vivahit stree ka adhikar hai yeh”).
At this point in the movie, I could see that the director had touched a chord in the heart of the vast majority of the women in the audience. What I was horrified at was the fact that I found myself reacting in almost the same way as all the other women, i.e., agreeing tacitly to that claim of prerogative. Why should such a prerogative matter to me, an educated woman of the twenty-first century who has discovered other playing fields?!

The answer probably is that when poised against the collective history of a society, of civilization, the journey of the individual pales into insignificance. One stimulus is all that is required for you to plug into the persona of the archetypal woman who feels empowered by virtue of the sway she holds in the kitchen.

If I look back at my own history, I am reminded of a small but significant incident. It was my first visit to my then would-be in-laws’. The day was that of 'Saraswati puja’. A short while after the first awkward moments of preliminary introductions, my boyfriend’s mother offered to let me help with the cooking. I was thrilled and touched to the core by her generosity and inclusiveness! She asked me if I could knead the dough for puris. I of course said an instantaneous yes and plunged in headlong, silk sari et al, into an extra-large casserole of flour. Being motherless from a young age, I was over anxious to prove my skills that I had learnt on my own. But sometimes proving that you have skills can be a BIG MISTAKE. That one incident revealed to her my weakness. In later years, whenever she wanted to reward me she gave me access to the kitchen, and withheld that access whenever I was refusing to tow the line.

The point I am trying to make is this: the reconciliation between being accomplished in your professional life and holding on to age-old fears and archetypes, has to begin at some point. It has to happen out of willingness, not coercion. So, to all the ladies, answer these ‘why’s in your minds:

Why, despite our qualifications and accolades, do we try to prove that we can cook and house-keep well?

Why do we so often utter the sentence ‘get out of my kitchen’ when the men venture in?

Why do we feel threatened when they are equally capable of planning and executing meals/ organising events?

Why do we like being called "Minister of Home Affairs" or “Supreme Court”?

Why do we women cry ourselves hoarse about gender-equality in workplaces while at the same time holding on to our so called ‘prerogatives’ at home?

Why do we then resent it if they feel threatened by our skills and competences at the work place?

Turnabout is fair-play, don't you think ladies, and wouldn't you like that gentlemen?

How many of you think that women need to let go of their own insecurities first before they can expect the men to follow suit? Cast your vote, we will know.

RESULTS OF THE POLL: -
-What is a woman likely to feel if she is not consulted in planning a dinner being hosted on an important occasion? [ Thrilled-0%, Relieved-20%, Angry-60%,Slighted-20%]
-Are girls and boys groomed differently by parents according to accepted societal norms?
[No-0%, Yes, but only in India-0%, Yes-40%, Maybe, but not in my household-60%]
-Does a woman resent better house-keepimg skills from the spouse?
[Most definitely-0%, Probably-20%, Depends on which generation she belongs to-40%, Not at all-40%]
-How often does a man deliberately let a woman feel in control at home to maintain peace?
[Always-0%, Sometimes-40%, Most of the time-60%, Never-0%]

A warm 'thank you' to all those who cast their votes.

Bend your Body! Don't crack your Mind!

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 07:12:00 +0000

I have always been, and still am, all for working relentlessly for a fab body (read, the best that your body can be), it pains me, however, to see how social media today is inundated with trends that promote harmful body stereotypes, from the ridiculous 'thigh gap' to the ‘bellybutton challenge'. The point of a challenge is to help you push your boundaries that much more so as to keep you motivated to do something that is in your best interest. These challenges seem to be doing the opposite.

While on the one hand, people from different backgrounds and ethnicities are taking to the Internet to spread the message of accepting one’s body and loving oneself, it seems like all of those efforts are being rubbished, just by a couple of images that are setting the ‘trend’ for an ideal body.

The 'bellybutton challenge' made people twist their bodies, not for yoga, but to pose for the camera and show off their extremely thin waist-line. The 'thigh gap' is that apparently alluring feminine trait of having visible space between your inner thighs if you are standing with your feet together. These trends got their share of brunt too, but the magnitude of those who participated in such challenges is disturbingly large.

It’s becoming an obsession to have a particular kind of a body. Every month or so, magazines like Cosmopolitan come up with fad articles on topics related to that perfect female body, the lure of a man! You hear how a model got her ribs removed, as she wanted a slim waist. Younger women, especially the vulnerable groups like 'the teens' should be explained that these fads promote eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, they should be periodically counseled by mothers and teachers to make them understand that genes also play an important role. Somewhere down the line, everything has a counter-effect.

Recently, the ‘ab crack’ has become the new fad. It is a vertical dent outlining the ab muscles which is a result of extreme workouts. The unhealthy aspect of body-sculpting fads such as this one is that they can, and do very often, stem from the need to "prove" oneself on social media rather than making it relevant to actually living your life in an optimum condition of mental and physical health.

Following celebrities doesn’t help either; Girls/ women get pressurized to alter themselves in order to look a certain way. Everyone has a different body type and it is impossible to achieve someone else’s body as your own. Trying to do that may lead to women taking extreme measures: modifying one's body to a level that it may end up hurting is just not worth it. I think this really goes back to self acceptance and being confident about yourself. So what if you don’t have an ab crack from working out? Contouring can do the trick instead! If following a fad becomes the norm, people may get bullied and it may lead to depression and other complications. Also, extreme insecurities may force people into eating disorders, these viral trends are only going to make matters worse.

Having said that, it must also be said, that hate it or love it, it is almost impossible to ignore the Social Media. Rather, we could and should strive for physical inclusion through this media, we must make people with all kinds of body types feel included in society. Women from across the country, in fact from across the globe, can come forward (and often do) on Social Media to talk about the effect of these trends and how we can counter them.

I would welcome such a discussion on this forum, right here, if you feel like adding your comments or having your say. Also, if you think that the awareness to steer clear of such negative trends needs to be spread, please feel free to share this piece.

Thank you!

The New India! Of wifeless MBAs, cows and cow-dung!

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 03:36:00 +0000

Some say we are lucky to be living in these times.

Opportunities for earning a good living and creating a 'good life' are in abundance and within reach of most; national boundaries are relaxing; time is steadily being saved by everything being delivered at your doorstep by online shops; the individual can breathe easy as society is not peeping through the keyhole as much as it used to; people are experiencing the euphoria of being always 'connected' via WhatsApp, not to forget the frenzy of attention from social media platforms like Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest and so on in competition/ collaboration with dating apps such as Tinder & TM etc. Life couldn't get any better, especially for the generations in their 20s and the 30s.

So far so good, but we need to halt right there.

Some fundamental things still remain the same as in an earlier times, one of them being that youth is characterized by the hormonal havoc that we commonly call 'love'. Once you have taken care of the basic mundane material needs of life, you're somehow still missing that one thing that (you believe) is to be found by sharing your life with someone, not in the virtual world, but for 'real'. The media too is overly focused on this cocaine called love; it's everywhere: on TV, on FM radio, on the internet. You cannot turn a fraction of a degree without being assaulted by this notion that romantic love is 'must have thing' in your life. It is therefore but natural to turn your attention towards dating with the express intention of finding a partner, either for a short-term relationship or a long-term one culminating in marriage. So starts the dating ritual of getting introduced to someone either online or offline.

This is what was the crux of a conversation I recently had with a young acquaintance of mine, a 38 year old MBA, doing well in his Marketing career and still deluded by love. Let's call him 'Karthik', to give his incognito face a name in this piece. Although I was with him to discuss a business deal, I noticed that Karthik was very frequently referring to how he was "happy being single". I figured he just needed that little nudge to tell me what it was that he was facing in his near-obvious search for finding a partner. He opened up soon enough to reveal how he had been "unlucky" in love, how all his classmates, batch mates at the various institutions he had attended were almost all married and settled in life. Of course, he added the disclaimer that many of them were also separated/ divorced, and that in each of these cases he had already foreseen it as 'inevitable'.

This intrigued me and I wanted to know what the 'inevitability factor' was. In his opinion, it has become increasingly difficult for men especially in his social milieu to find a woman to marry and possibly even more difficult to stay married.
-"But why?", I asked.
-"Because...", he said, "just like us (guys), girls are also getting educated and their focus, motivation, priorities are all rapidly changing. They want a career and money much more than wanting to find a guy to love and to marry."

As a career-focused woman myself, I couldn't help but agree. However, I tried telling him that all was not lost, surely at some stage even the financially independent woman would want to set up a love-nest. He seemed to disagree and in the next hour or so painted this picture of a "monster"-woman who thinks no end of herself just because she is earning a few bucks.
-"What exactly do you mean?" I asked, bemused.
-"You see...", he continued, "She would come and go as she would please, wouldn't want to take any responsibility of cooking and running the house, much less of kids. etc".
-"Well, in that case, you could be the one taking on these roles perhaps?" I suggested

-"Yes, of course", he quipped, "I am an independent man, so much so, that even if there is complete darkness in my room and I walk in...", (I gulped) "I would know exactly where to find my shirt, and inner wear and socks", (sigh of relief from me). "But why should I do all this for her?" he added. He continued, -"Moreover, if she is a working woman, earning her own money, she would obviously want to spend some on her parents. And if my money is being used for our joint expenses, why would I not have the privilege of calling the shots, you tell me...".

I was aghast at this stage and decided in my mind that I was face to face with an MCP, who was an exception and that all guys were not like him. He however, was on a trip, and was unstoppable:
-"I also wouldn't like it if she were independent while gong to work, but suddenly became dependent on me to drive her to the beauty salon over the weekend."

I lost the will to argue or even to continue this conversation. My mind was dwelling on whether this was the kind of guy my daughter would end up meeting. Somehow managing to camouflage my ire, I suggested why not he go for a girl who hadn't opted for higher education and career and whose mind was relatively "un-corrupted" by all these ideas of Women's Lib, and who would be there for him waiting with a hot meal when he got home after saving the world with his marketing 'gyan'. He said he had not only given it a thought but had also gone "to see" a few such girls in and around his village in Uttar Pradesh as arranged by his mother. Some of them even had a dowry "ready", befitting his stature as the son of a UP bureaucrat and an MBA from XIMB to boot!

By this time, my anger had subsided to be replaced by a laughter that was so hearty and deep that my stomach was hurting.
-"So then, what happened to the deal?" I barely managed to hide my sarcasm.
-"No yaar, not possible", he continued, dejected, "I can't marry such a girl".
-"And why not?" My curiosity got the better of me.
-"Because she wouldn't be presentable at office parties, she wouldn't be able to speak fluently (in English) on any topic. Her parents also know that. That's why they have kept the dowry ready for a city-based guy like me"
-"So then, an educated but not so ambitious girl is who you are looking for, am I right?" I asked, trying hard to appear genuinely interested.
-He gave it some thought, and then continued, "Maybe... but she wouldn't like my family in the village. We have cows at home, and sometimes there is a stench of cow-dung."

I could no longer hold it in. I guffawed in my full-throttled laughter and even Karthik's indignant face could not deter me.

Needless to say, the story of Karthik's epic search for a girl to marry remained inconclusive. But it does point towards a gap in demand and supply (pardon me for using the terminology, for want of a more apt expression, in the context of human beings) of marriageable girls in India.

Let us avoid the pitfall of being facile and attributing this very simplistically to the modern Indian male's inability to handle the modern Indian emancipated female. It runs much deeper than that. If we have been paying any attention to census and other reports we would see where the hapless fate of guys like Karthik stems from. There are NO GIRLS TO MARRY. Our previous generations have done too good a job of killing them! So much so that there are supposedly 43 million more men in India than women*, accounting for a whopping 76% of the total male surplus in the world. Even if some eligible Indian men were to find foreign girls to marry, many would still remain wifeless since, as rightly pointed out by Karthik, many of the eligible Indian young ladies would "... want a career and money much more than wanting to find a guy to love and to marry."

Coming back full circle, maybe all is not perfect in modern India. We are living through times that are a strange combination of equal opportunities but also of gaping chasms left behind by mindless ravages by an unthinking/ selfish generation - that of our parents and grand-parents.

Yes, I know. It is sacrilege to say such things out loud about our revered elders. But, face it, you too need someone like me to say it as it is. That's why the Karthiks among you choose my shoulder to cry on.

*Reference: WORLD SEX MAP by David BAUER

The slow but steady reverse brain-drain.. Did we see this coming?

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 10:00:00 +0000

Of late, there has been a fare amount of focus on the reduction in volumes of approval of the H1B visas that enable less expensive skilled Indian labor to replace the local workforce in the US. My post here today aims to focus on another trend that is not much talked about but is steadily growing nonetheless.

Recently a colleague-friend of mine went to Paris on a brief vacation. As expected, she found the onward flight pretty scantily populated, given the recent spate of events. However, what surprised her was the fact that the return flight was full, but not full of Indians returning to India but French nationals and other Europeans coming to India on work, to Delhi and onward from there to various Indian cities. She herself is a US citizen, working alongside me in Hyderabad, India. There are six others like her in my team alone, all French-speaking US or Canadian citizens.

This is a relatively recent trend, that began quite imperceptibly somewhere around 2005-2006, of India being looked upon as a coveted destination by job-seekers, not only from developing countries like Cameroon, Benin etc., but also from countries of the so-called developed first world like the UK, the US and Canada. This new wave is made up mostly of well-educated migrants from wealthier, more developed countries, leaving behind slow-sluggish economies in search of job prospects and opportunities they can’t find at home.

For the last year or so the surge in numbers (more than doubled I have been told) has been quite phenomenal in the number of visas granted to Americans to work in India and this does not include special visas given to Americans of Indian origin who enjoy the OCI (Overseas Citizenship of India) in any case. Even in countries like China, Korea and Singapore, there have been significant increases in the number of visas being approved for working in India.

Traditionally, India has exported software engineers to the US and other western countries. So what is the demographic of this influx of expats into India? They are coming mainly to work in creative fields like advertising, journalism and in specialized professional services like legal services etc. Some expats are even looking at India as a destination for setting up their own businesses. This especially says a lot about the 'ease of doing business' factor that is the result of more than a decade of liberalization of the Indian economy.

On the bright side, we need not really wonder to figure out the reason behind this sudden spate of interest in India as a work destination, need we? India's steady growth story has been pretty much consistently been in the news for the last three quarters at least. It was not the least bit surprising that the Indian Stock Markets showed resilience in the face of the Greek Crisis or even the Chines stocks falling like nine-pins in July-Aug 2015. The GDP growth in India at present is nearly 7.4% year on year in the quarter ending September. These figures were better than market expectations. The rise in the growth rate suggests the growth of the economy. The financial policies and the monetary policies are able to sustain a stable growth rate.

These figures, statistics, data, forecast etc. are in the domain of the Ministry of Finance and the Gurus of Market Analysis. The common man, however, hardly ever cares about data, rather he goes by his perception about what's happening in the world around him. What changes popular perception is media and social media, where the tempo was set already for this in mid-2014 when the Indian Parliament saw the first majority government taking oath for the first time in three decades. The India of "too many poor people and too much corruption" suddenly had a strong charismatic leader. In subsequent months, there was steady focus on marketing of brand-India, what with Prime Minister Narendra Modi's speeches at the Sydney Stadium and the Madison Square reinvigorating many non-residents so much so that they declared on live television that they wanted to come back to India saying that they no longer feared being unemployed in their own country.

We all know that all is far from perfect, the road to 'real' development is still ahead and has many impediments. However, certain ground realities are undeniably good. We finally have roads that we can really drive in. The modern 4-laned highways have made inter-city commuting quite hassle-free. At least within its gated communities and swanky malls, India has become quite clean. Money or employment is seldom the problem for the urban middle class at least, compared to the dark eras in the '80s or '90s. We have modern, organized retail come in. The likes of Landmark, Lifestyle, Future Bazaar have brought modern practices in retail and allowed for more job opportunities for the middle class. Economically upwardly mobile Indians are no more enamored by things that are merely foreign. Our attitude towards the world is evolving to become more confident and more mature now.

The corollary to this improved 'self-image' of India is the new spate of expats flocking to India seeking employment and an opportunity to explore 'the new world'. The future is here they are saying among themselves. A relatively better pay package than one hopes to land back at home, better standards of living at lower costs (including easy availability of domestic help for cooking, cleaning, etc), are factors that whet the appetite for "trying out India" as a work destination. Not to forget that India has always been seen (and will continue to be seen) as the land where unbridled materialism or mindless consumerism have not really cast the same grim shadow that it has over Western countries.

Oddly enough, not all but quite a few of these expats come with a heavy head on their shoulders as if still carrying the 'White Man's Burden' of having to civilize the 'uncivilized' until of course their burden is somewhat lightened by the likes of me (the author of this piece) who gently but unmistakably remind them, if required of course, that this is the 'new world' where the old equations have become defunct. A few of them are also remarkable people, realistic and humble, ready to learn as much as to share.

Slowly but steadily the immigrants are creating or finding their comfort niches even in the India of heat and dust. Over-populated, chaotic cities like Mumbai and Hyderabad have rooftop hookah clubs where the expats regularly haunt to chill out, or stores like Q-Mart where they can buy their cheeses, quinoa, and couscous. The sensible ones quickly learn to invest in attire suitable to India thereby avoiding attracting undue attention to themselves when out on Indian roads. Quick on the trails of this trend, fashion brands like Global Desi and Akriti have customized their products lines for this new niche segment with a relatively fatter wallet [http://krittika-retail-enterprises.shopclues.com/]

We Indians are ever ready to play the hospitable host and I wouldn't like to spoil the pretty picture, nor sound like a naysayer, but history has made us wary of foreigners coming to India with apparently innocent, innocuous reasons. It wouldn't be a bad idea for Indian education sectors to re-look at their curricula to see where the deficit is being created in training Indians to become adept in the fields where the expats are coming in to fill in a gap in locally available resource, or, even for parents to wake up to the fact that 'science' and 'math' may no longer be their ticket to prosperity.

[Browse: Kraftee @ http://krittika-retail-enterprises.shopclues.com/ ]

The easiest thing to do in India!

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Tue, 15 Sep 2015 15:33:00 +0000

The easiest thing to do in India is TO GET MARRIED.

You want a house on rent?! Way too difficult.
You want to enroll for a good course at a premier institute?! Breaking news! You're unlikely to get past the doors, 'coz there's reservation for the backward!
You want a job?! That's tough bro! Ain't nobody tell you before?!
You have a job, but you'd like to save some money?! Nahh! You're not in luck, 'coz you're gonna be taxed heavily for committing the crime of working hard.
You have the zeal of an entrepreneur?! Forget it! The licence dept. will screw you so bad, you'll be zeal-less in no time.
You want to make movie or write a book?! You won't find a producer or publisher,

But fret not my friend: You can get MARRIED!
-No qualifications? No problem. Somebody will MARRY you.
-No job, no income? No worries! Somebody will still MARRY you and even arrange for the finances
-You think you're not much of a looker? Silly! Somebody thinks you're a Greek god or goddess as long as you talk MARRIAGE.
-No house to live in?! Get MARRIED and voila! Renting a place is super easy!
-Are you still in two minds?! Thinking if Hrithik/ Suzanne, Konkona/ Ranvir didn't last, what are your chances?! Be positive! If the first time doesn't last, you can get MARIED again, and yet again...
-About that start-up, movie or book idea, just make sure it has the word MARRIAGE in it somewhere. And the millionaire club is waiting to welcome you.

In India, the easiest thing to do is TO GET MARRIED! And it's a sacred duty that you owe to your ancestors.

P.S. - If you're a foreigner reading this post, and finding it difficult to tie the knot in your country, all you need to do is to buy a ticket and fly out to India!! Somebody is waiting to MARRY you. And guess what?! You can do it in the Maharaja style!

'Burnt Toast'

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:44:00 +0000

Teri Hatcher, of Desperate Housewives fame, is also the author of "Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life," a book in which she explores the proverbial 'burnt toast' metaphor for women who too often take the leftovers for themselves -- something, Hatcher says, she is guilty of, and is trying not to do as much, but still does. This malady is so widespread that I believe that it merits being called a 'syndrome'.

What is there in a burnt toast? a charred slice of bread that deserves to be thrown away but so often you see the woman of the house attempting to salvage it by scraping off the black, or hiding the burnt parts with jam. Almost never is this slice of bread offered to anyone because she keeps it for herself to eat it later. In so doing what she is saying to herself and to the world -- is that the piece of bread is worth more than her own satisfaction. To move away from the literal interpretation, what this means is placing everyone and everything above oneself. This is pattern behavior that is passed on from one generation of women to the next. I learnt it from my mother, she must have imbibed it from her mother and so on. Each woman in turn is well-meaning but ends up giving a mixed message to a child, irrespective of gender. The male child grows up seeing the mother in a sacrificial rôle and learns to expect the same from other women who come into his life. The female child on the other hand gets the message that she has to carry on the stereotype, unquestioningly accept that in the order of priorities the last place is hers, that self-sacrifice must be habitual to her.

This pattern behavior is present across cultures and I firmly believe it has no ethnocentrism associated with it. In simpler words, that women have to be habitually sacrificial is not a characteristic of the Indian woman alone; it is prevalent the world over. I have had personal experience of my male foreign colleagues boasting about how sacrificial and therefore 'sweet' their wives or mothers are. If you come to think of it, this fact alone makes this an issue worth taking a re-look at. Psychologists say that there are certain behavior patterns that we inherit from our fore-mothers, that we are born with an intuitive cognizance that if we are women, we are to behave this way or set our expectations in such and such a way. Therefore if this behavior pattern is intuitive, it would appear that there is very little we can do about it because we have very little, if any, control over our unconscious minds. Having said that, I would like to hold out a ray of hope insofar as educated conscious beings, we owe it to ourselves to break free from this pattern, to make a choice for our dignity, for the dignity and the inculcation of a proper value-system for our daughters and sons.

So Ladies, the next time around throw away the burnt toast and tell yourselves with a smile that you deserve better, much better.

A Busy Cook's Cookbook

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 07:51:00 +0000

Sometimes I wish I had at least two heads, ten hands and a few more hours to my day. I feel the inadequacy with my current lot especially when I struggle to live up to the expectations of producing magic meals at the drop of a hat. The magician who pulls a rabbit out of a hat fades in comparison with the cook who produces a delicious, nutritious meal after a busy day's work at the office not to mention the numerous family chores and minor crises on both the fronts, home and office.To pull off such culinary miracles she must have a few tricks up her sleeve.By this I do not mean sole reliance on convenience foods that come out of a packet or bottle, although I am in no way discounting their contribution to making modern urban life a tad easier.

The greatest secret is in planning ahead and in making the maximum use of time when you have it.The saying goes that if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. This adage applies equally in your career as well as in your kitchen. Vision is everything, according to me.The vision of a family happily chattering away around a pleasant meal is no less than the vision of an empire spread far and wide.The busy cook who has a more or less clear vision of what he/ she plans to serve as meals in the coming week will stock up the refrigerator with key necessary ingredients over the week-end and save himself/herself the impromptu visits to the super-market that can cause super waste of time that is at a premium in any case. Once you have the ingredients, store them neatly in see-through containers with lids and at the risk sounding crazy, I am even suggesting that you label them with a date.

To make the maximum use of a spare evening or morning, use the time to make a sauce/ gravy that you wouldn't necessarily use immediately, that you might even consider freezing in small jars for later use. If you are non-vegetarian, clean and marinade fish/chicken/ meat using either ginger-garlic or yogurt and freeze in two to three separate portions for quick miracle dishes later on. Chop 2 to 3 days' supply of onions, grate oddments of stale cheese, cook a large batch of rice, or knead fairly large mounds of dough. All of these can be stored in the refrigerator for two to three days, the cheese slightly longer.Fresh peas can be shelled and frozen, so too fresh prawns and shrimp. Herbs such as mint and fenugreek ( or 'methi') can be sun dried on a holiday, lightly powdered and stored on the shelf. I find it very useful to have a lot of half-cooked stuff such as boiled lentils (or daals), boiled potatoes, boiled eggs in the refrigerator. Also you could periodically use your spare time to grate carrots, finely chop cabbage, dice vegetables such as gourds and divide cauliflowers or broccoli into florets, puree tomatoes...and marvel at the convenience this can lend you while you are cooking on the run.

A busy cook would be wise to make use of any of the time saving devices that he/ she has in the kitchen, such as pressure cookers, microwave ovens, sandwich makers, hand mixers and so on. Many of us buy fancy gadgets but never learn to make optimum use of these. The point is to make the most of your infrastructure. Read the manuals well and do not be afraid to try out new things, as these are essentially labor saving devices and not decor pieces. Better still is put in a little bit of planning here as well and to study the gadget before buying it than after. Define your need first and then go for the device that would cater to that. You know your need best, not the salesman who is trying to sweet talk you into investing in something that you are never going to use.

Lastly, I am happy to share with you a few tips that I have learnt from experience:

Do not shy away from cooking on a four burner hob. It's much easier than it appears at first. All four dishes do not require equal attention
Cooking in large shallow pans is quicker than using a deep pan
Keep spoons, knives, ladles handy where you can easily get them without having to step away from the gas
If you cook any dish halfway through and divide into two equal portions, the two can become two entirely different dishes depending on your ingenuity
Instead of blanching tomatoes, prick in a fork and roast on an open fire; the peal comes off much easier for you to get a smoother puree
If you slightly wet onions and garlic before pealing, the task becomes easier
Use the blender for quick sauces and soups instead of struggling to pass them through soup strainers
Liquidize grated cheese and mayonnaise together along with a veggie such as mushroom to make a quick sauce to accompany fish our poultry dishes especially for that family member who has an irritable bowel and cannot eat too many spice-laced gravies
Have a ready-to-use home-made mixed spice powder by lightly toasting on a pan whole spices of your choice and grinding when cooled
Avoid bending too many times to dispose off vegetable peals, egg-shells etc.in the waste bin; instead keep a large bowl on your counter-top that you can empty out at one go when you are done

HAPPY COOKING !!

Questioning the nobility of the Nobel

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 15:05:00 +0000

The Nobel Peace Prize is probably the most widely recognized of the all the Nobels. As a lay person, I have always seen it as a celebration of individuals or organizations whose work has served to defuse hostility between nations, generally diplomats, activists, politicians and others who have been directly involved in peace negotiations of one kind or another or in the uplift of a certain segment of society.

When I heard that this year WikiLeaks is among the 241 Nobel Peace Prize nominees, my first reaction was, “Seriously? The WikiLeaks? Along with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela?” I mean granted that the WikiLeaks caught the world's attention with the publication of thousands of secret US reports on the war in Afghanistan last summer and since then, has stayed in the public eye with similar reports on the war in Iraq, and the gradual release of thousands of secret US diplomatic cables, but in recent months, an increasing number of allegations, including allegations of rape and sexual molestation, against the website's founder, Julian Assange, have downplayed the site's reputation. The controversy surrounding WikiLeaks founder is sure to leave scope for debate. But more than that, it is the website’s contribution to world peace or making a significant difference to world-order that I seriously question. On the one hand I am very appreciative of the freedom of speech and the transparency that WikiLeaks represents, but on the other hand, many a time the means used were questionable, to say the least.

Alfred Nobel wrote in his will, the Peace Prize shall be awarded to the person who “...shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.” Even if we were to lose sight of the original intent of the prize, the fact remains that over the last 60 years it has been associated with people like Martin Luther King, Bishop Desmond Tutu, The Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa and organizations like The Amnesty International and Médecins Sans Frontières.

Since I started penning my thoughts here, the Nobel Peace Prize for this year has been declared to be shared by Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Liberian activist Leymah Gbowee and Tawakkul Karman of Yemen, "for their nonviolent struggle for the safety of women and for women's rights to full participation in peace-building work.” But this post is not about that. The fact that a nomination was considered for WikiLeaks was demoralizing for me as a common citizen. To me it represents an erosion of values, a redefining of priorities that I am not ready for. I still belong in an old world where stories of exemplary lives lived on high principles dedicated to bringing about a more just world-order help average people like me to live our humdrum existences with hope.

Try telling a teenager...

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:50:00 +0000

One of the most painfully perplexing yet hilarious things I have experienced in life is trying to communicate with a teenager and not being able to make headway. These are some of the standard issues I recurrently try to approach and I receive one or the other of these replies.

Parent - Time to get up, it’s morning/ 7 am

Teenager’s reply Why?? Who made this rule that mornings are for getting up?

Yeah, I know. You told me twice already!

I’m too tired to get up

I don’t care what time it is. My day begins when I get up.

Parent - Come here and help me with the chores

Teenager’s reply            Why do we need to do these things? What’s the point of dusting when you know
                                     that it’ll get dusty all over again?
                                     Where’s the dirt? I can’t see it!

Parent - Clean your room

Teenager’s reply My room doesn’t need cleaning. I like it this way.

Please, you don’t clean it either. I can’t find my stuff!!!

Parent - Switch off your phone, it’s bedtime/ study time

Teenager’s reply Yeah, just a minute

I can text and sleep at the same time.

I am texting a math formula

Parent - Veggies are good for you

Teenager’s reply So you have them. Have my share as well. It’ll be good for you.

Parent - Don’t use such words (‘dude’, ‘yup’, ‘yeah right’, ‘gimme a break’, etc.)

Teenager’s reply Why? What’s wrong with them?

You don’t use them as they didn’t exist in your time.

Parent - This is not love

Teenager’s reply That’s what you think

I’ve never felt like this about anyone else before

Parent - This is junk you are watching on TV

Teenager’s reply So??

‘Tis just time pass, Ma. Chill.

Parent - You must accompany us to this wedding

Teenager’s reply What will I do there?

Everybody is so old there!

Parent - Why are you wearing those torn pants?

Teenager’s reply These are not torn!! I cut off the bottom.

Parent - Dad will drop you off at the multiplex.

Teenager’s reply Thanks, but please ask him not to hang around there

Parent - There’s barely a month to your exams, aren’t you going to start
studying?

Teenager’s reply You are kidding, right? There’s a MONTH to the exams!

My Conversion Story

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 03:14:00 +0000

This is the story of a journey from fear to love.

Is it possible to convert fear to love? Well, as they, nothing is impossible.

As it happens, I grew up in a pet-less household. Although I always knew that my mom was an animal lover, apartment-living did not allow for an animal to be part of the family and since as a child I had no extraordinary fondness for animals, I did not ever ask for one. Quite the contrary in fact, I was terrified of anything on four legs. This unusual fear could be because I was once bitten by a big fat lizard (yes-believe it or not!!) - not the most encouraging experience for a timid and shy child. To make matters worse, our family astrologer wrote on my horoscope, “likely to suffer dog-bites once or twice”. This was widely discussed and joked about, but to me it was not funny to keep waiting to be tasted by any mongrel who took a fancy to me. I became reluctant to visit relatives and friends with pets. When out on the streets, I was terrified of street-dogs and could see nothing but their fangs.

As luck would have it I married a dog-lover. My partner adored dogs, of all shapes, sizes and breeds. He never stopped complaining that his childhood desire to have a pet was summarily dismissed by his parents. Then my little girl came along. She was one step ahead of her Dad; she adored the whole spectrum of living things including birds, bats, insects and worms. The two pleaded with me relentlessly to get them a puppy until I reluctantly decided to overcome my inhibitions and reconsider. I happened to conversationally mention this to a colleague of mine, who very enthusiastically came back within a couple of days with news of a litter of Labrador pups available with a breeder. She said she was adopting one and asked if I would like to take a look at the rest. I mentioned this to my family and decided to go take a look with the strict understanding that we would come back and discuss at length before taking any decision. I clearly stated that I was going there with zero commitment.

We went to take a look at the litter. One particular puppy had its mouth smeared with milk and rice as it had been fetched from out of its feeding time. We all took an instant liking to it, but I withheld from showing my approval. Or so I imagined! The other two instantly sensed my softening stance and my husband made on the spot payment and decided to take it home, much to my surprise as we had not gone prepared with a basket to carry him back in. The cute little live toy was put in a cardboard box and we carried him home. Since he was a Leo by his date of birth, we decided to call him “Simba” after our favorite animation character from the movie Lion King.

Simba was all of six weeks old when he came into our lives. Even then he had a personality of his own. He wagged his tiny tail to show pleasure and growled at displeasure. He drank his milk with gusto and was ashamed of tiny mishaps before his toilet training was complete. At this stage there are practically no differences between adopting a human baby and an animal one. As with human babies, so also with animal ones, parents have to through with the entire gamut of liquid diet to weaning, toilet training to vaccinations, etc. It has to be protected from drowning or getting burnt or getting run over by vehicles.

I had always had thoughts of adopting a baby; just that I had not imagined myself being mom to an animal baby. Coupled with that my fear of anything on fours persisted and I was not much into cuddling the puppy Simba, something that I regret till this day. This was soon to change though. As it happens, Simba was a restless mischievous puppy, tearing to bits cushion covers & newspapers, chewing on shoes, tasting anything that he could find. One time he ate up a live cockroach! Another time, I fell asleep while reading a book and when I woke up a quarter of the book had been chewed away! I was too embarrassed to tell British Library the real story, instead I reported it lost and paid a fine.

Due to one such misadventure, one day when he was around eight weeks old he contacted an infection and due to repeated motions was rapidly losing fluid from his body. I called the vet, he said, ‘avoid milk, and ensure that that he continues to have water.’ This was easier said then done. Simba did not recognize water as he had not been weaned and recognized only milk as consumable. He refused to drink and gave me confused looks as to what was this strange liquid that I was putting in his bowl instead of the milk and cerelac mixture he was used to. I tried forcing water into his mouth with a dropper syringe but to no avail. I called the vet again, he said, ‘keep trying’. Remembering a scene from the movie Born Free, I started dipping my hand in water and encouraged him to lick the moisture. By evening, as Simba had lost a lot of fluids and was showing signs of dehydration I SOS’ed my husband. By this time the little one was sitting in a corner, listless, with a vague look in his eyes that I could not fathom. It struck me then that I was failing as a mom…When my daughter was little I could physically feel her every need, a capacity that nature gives every mom. In Simba’s case I could not feel as I was not biologically connected to him. This thought was such a powerful blow to my already weakened mind that I began to cry. I went to the corner and sat next to him. He put his little head on my hand and lay there limp. I feared the worst and tried to keep him awake and to continue to put my damp thumb into his mouth. When what seemed like light-years later my husband got home and took us to the Vet’s clinic, the vet confirmed that he was in bad shape but was not irretrievable, thanks to my day-long effort. He offered to keep Simba overnight so that I could go home and rest. He even suggested that I was showing signs of a nervous break-down and should be taken to see a doctor who could administer an intravenous tranquilizer. We followed his advice and I was able to sleep that night.

Since that day over the years Simba and I have come a long way…. I no longer feel unconnected. I can feel his every need and he can read my thoughts. He is big handsome fellow now. He is my ardent fan and I am his. He has established individual equations with every family member…that includes expressing emotions the doggy way- positive ones by wagging his tail, jumping and throwing himself at you, curling up on the lap and negative ones by growling, showing his fangs, nipping at your hand, and even biting. The prophesy by the family astrologer has been proved utterly bogus in the meantime. Simba has bitten every family member, but me, more than once!!

To keep or not to keep, a mustache?

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 03:33:00 +0000

-“Would you date a guy with a mustache?” I asked my teenage daughter.

-“Noooooooooo wayyyyyyyy!” pat came the reply.

-“Why not? What’s wrong with having a mustache?”

-“I dunno, I just wouldn’t. Do you know, on Facebook alone there are more than 50 'hate' pages on mustaches?"

This was diametrically opposite to the answer I would probably have given to the same question, in my dating days. What’s with this generation!- I thought, but did not articulate. Why do girls and guys all want to look the same way, wearing the same cut of jeans and similar looking tees…? Why can’t men be men and keep their mustaches, at least!

Salvador Dali's quirky mustache

The classic mustache

Traditionally, in certain cultures, in most parts of India at least, it was thought that men with mustaches can be very masculine. So what has happened to change this perception? Is it that men who are clean-shaven do not care for the masculine/ virile tag? Or, has some alternative now become available? I decided to find out. After conducting a mini survey, what emerged was that present day men are not keen to sport a mustache all the time, but would like to try it some time. Many were of the opinion that a stubble makes them more attractive. However even the clean-shaven ones confessed that they use strong after-shave lotions to send out signals of their manliness, a faint but indistinguishable hint of virility.

If you watch animation films, you will know that animators often use the mustache as the ‘mark’ of the villain as distinguished from the clean-shaven hero. The mustache represents apparent manliness with a “don’t mess with me” attitude. Therefore in the hands of the animator the mustache becomes a tool to forward the story with a simple tuft of facial hair. This aspect of ‘association’ of something scary with a mustache is so widespread that even a little baby reacts to it by breaking into a sob if approached by a mustached man. The reason for this automatic association is probably because the adults in the babies surroundings have been telling stories where a bad guy invariably sports a ’stache.

Can the decision to sport a mustache impact your job?

Urban chic with a mus'

In the twenty-first century, a mustached look is certainly not high up on the ‘corporate’ or the ‘international’ scale. In the international arena, if you are upwardly mobile on the job ladder then sport a mustache at your own risk. Of course, this is not an absolute. Some men deftly groom themselves to have a mustache and yet be unmistakably urban chic. There are certain professions where the reverse is true, even today. For instance, if you are in a profession with the so-called ‘intellectual’ tag [a scientist, a film-critic, a writer], then a mustache tells the world that there is substance in what you have to say to them. Strangely enough, the mustache is also a given for the stereotyped uneducated man in a profession befitting him like that of a truck-driver. I am told that five-star hotels and resorts pay allowances to door-keepers, etc. for the upkeep of a fancy mustache!

In my years of work with cross-cultural sensitivity issues, I have almost always found that apparent issues are not apparent; there runs a much deeper strain that can be traced back to myths and archetypes perpetuated by culture groups. However, it’s also true that much of culture defies logic and is purely arbitrary. So also with the mustache. Perceptions are as they are; we cannot help but live with them.

"In my personal opinion," I said to my daughter, "the mustache helps to separate the ‘men’ from the ‘boys’."

Too much too soon

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 13:26:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to cope if I were a kid or teenager today. This because as parent to a teenager, I have a close view of the predicament that she has to live today. An average teenager today is far more mature and worldly-wise than my generation was in our early twenties. (S)He knows that the world is a tough place, that there are practically no unconditional friendships, that your bank-balance defines the kind of esteem that you are likely to enjoy.

As parents, we pressurize them into ‘knowing’ their minds as early as in their early teens, about where they would want to go in life, what career they would want to pursue. We are paranoid about how everybody else in their peer group might be already ahead in the rat-race, forgetting that these are not rats we are talking about, these are still mice. We choose to ignore the fact that these tender minds are not ready to take on the pressure. As a result, rising rates of addictions, depressions, suicides amongst teenagers.

Take hobbies like sports and music. Even if there is a hint of talent in a kid, instead of allowing it to flower on its own, parents like us run helter-skelter to get them the best ‘coaching’ that money can buy, to set time-tables in a day wherein these ‘talents’ can be ‘honed’ by practice.. If you think sympathetically, the greatest favor that we as parents could do to these kids would be to leave them alone, to explore their passion on their own and to ask us for help if and when they do.

We only need to take one look at the ‘Reality Shows’ on television to understand the point that I am trying to make here. Kids with talent for this or that art are fiercely pitted against each other; they compete and try to ‘win’ so that their pathetic parents can feel good. They sing and dance, act out situations and emotions that are adult in essence, which they are too young to feel or understand. The entire exercise is hideous but we continue nonetheless, episode after episode, sponsors pouring money in and squeezing even more money out of the popularity of these shows.

In our times, the notion of falling in love used to be sweet and romantic, full of mystery and gossip. But no longer.

Our kids are aware that eventually they have to find a life partner. Only, for them, the romantic notion of love has been replaced by a hardcore practical one of, “Of course I love you, till I find someone better”, or, “Now that you are Rich, let’s fall in love” [quotation marks indicate that these are titles of two novels so popular amongst today’s teens that they are national bestsellers!]. Where does such cynicism come from? Could it be from their observation of their parents' lives and equations?

All this only leads me to ponder that perhaps it is time that we take a relook at parenting styles and step back a little, let children be children, let them make their mistakes and learn from them, allow them the space to become better human beings first before courting success at all cost.

Do you want to role play?

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Tue, 31 May 2011 05:19:00 +0000

Look closely at life, your own life, your friend’s lives, at life all around you and you will see that a range of games that were started in childhood are still being played even amongst adults. Do we ever grow up? Does the mind age? Who knows? So whether we are four, fourteen or forty, we are still playing games like ‘peek-a-boo’, ‘catch me if you can’, hide-and seek’ or ‘dodge-ball’. The playing field is different at forty from the one at fourteen…instead of the neighborhood park, we have carried these games into our homes or offices or even into our mind-spaces.

There are some classic “roles” that we assume while playing these games. The roles I refer to here are not those of being an offspring, a sibling, a parent or a spouse- these are our default roles as we get into various relationships in life. Nor am I talking about roles in our work-life, like that of a boss or a subordinate or a client. The classic roles are the ones that are our collective psychological inheritance as the only thinking-feeling species.

Here’s a look at some of them.

The Man or (the Hunter) and The Woman or (the Nurturer)

Lurking somewhere in our unconscious is this stereotype. The man undertaking to provide for the family while the woman looks after the hearth. Probably this is the most deep-seated of our accepted psychological models. While on the one hand I see this as nature’s way of ensuring survival of the species, on the other hand I am glad to see that modern day society acknowledges that either gender can flexibly play each of these roles or even take turns in doing so. I am a trifle exasperated though, when I see these roles being extended even into the workplace scenario (for example, gender being the decisive factor for certain types of jobs, those of teachers, nurses, etc.)

The Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer

This triangle is an eternal one. You and I see it all the time all around us: at home, where the mother of a newly-wed man so often plays the victim as she feels left out of the newly-established equation between her son and his bride. The bride in turn plays victim sometimes to attract attention back to her. In both these situations the same man has to play rescuer to two different women, turn by turn. The father of the bride, on the other hand, often turns into a fierce persecutor with respect to the second man in his daughter’s life.

In the office too, playing the helpless victim sometimes helps in assuring mileage especially if one can detect the presence of a potential rescuer! In society, entire communities sometimes cling on to this victim mode and choose to feel marginalized.

One observation: in my opinion, the position of the victim is the most potentially violent and therefore most important to avoid assuming. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel like a victim that we are most susceptible to lash out at others with violence.

The Dictator, the Liberal, the Conformist and the Rebel

This too is too widely prevalent for us to miss. Whenever a proposition is put on the table, be it buying a car in a family scenario or venturing out into a new horizon of business, some people invariably choose to agree to whatever is put on the table by the so-called ‘most powerful’ protagonist. Needless to say, these are the conformists. Some others have a radical allergy to agreeing to anything without a fight. These are the rebels. Few and far between are the moderates who would discuss issues with a rational approach. Leaders also come packaged very often as ‘Autocrats’ or dictators, and at other times as unorthodox ‘Liberals’ (as a layman’s term, without political overtones).

The Parent/ The Teacher

These are two of the oldest stereotypes perpetuated by our existence in a social structure. In a way these help in defining boundaries, ensuring safety. Within the family structure the role of a Parent may or may not be played by the actual parent. For instance, the ‘real’ Parent in a relationship may be the child if the parent is unwell, or weak-willed, or crippled, or addicted to alcohol, etc. At the work-place too, the leader’s role often combines that of these two classic stereotypes. The protective instinct, the zeal to guide, to lead by example often comes from either or both of these.

The Judge/ The Critic

The Judge or the Critic lurks in us all. There is an inevitable tendency in us to take a position vis-à-vis any situation or behavior from the relative standpoint of our own value systems. However, in some people this becomes a predominant character trait. Over time they lose consciousness of constantly either judging other people or being self-righteous.

The Wise One/ The Witness

This personality type is probably the most enlightened and therefore rarest. As a role it would not, I suppose, be very interesting to play if we have not yet made the transition in our psyche from role-plays enjoyed by us during childhood game sessions to adulthood strategy sessions. It is probably the only role with a clear preference for detached involvement.

Coming back to the child-adult persona in us, I would like to conclude by saying one thing: that no matter what game we are playing, or role we are assuming, it is of utmost importance to be kind…to that child in us that still has an appetite for games.

Acknowledgement : "Games People Play" by Eric Berne

From Fat to Fit...the mind game a year later.

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Have you ever noticed how relatively easy it is to start something new and difficult to follow it through? In January this year I completed a year-long struggle with weight control and by the grace of God, I am still at it.

Last November I shared my story- “From Fat to Fit…” with my readers. That was the story of the beginning. Tough though that was, what followed it was even tougher: the continuation aspect. Gone were the thrills of looking at the scales and noticing how much weight you had lost each month; the fact that I had reduced dress sizes had also been kind of taken for granted. The question that loomed large on my mind was where do I go from here? Do I discontinue? Do I keep at my routine which by now had become boring?

Notice though that in all this, I am basically alluding to my inner dialogue. We all know how the mind has its tricky ways of assuming the dimensions of an independent being inside of us. In my imagination it is like a being that is small in size but powerful enough to paralyze my best intentions. It takes on the aspect of a wicked imp, tempting me with inertia, with the secret pleasures of not exercising, with the illusion that I have trimmed my body to such a level of fitness that even if I now let go, no harm will be done…and so on and so forth. The list is endless as the little being inside us is prolific in cooking up excuses. The fact is if we get good at excuses, we are hardly good at anything else.

Here’s a look at some of the excuses I manage to come up with.

Yesterday, I had a long day at work, so I need the extra sleep today. It’s ok to miss the morning walk/ jog. I can do some free-hand exercises later.
I am experiencing a muscle-pull, so I should skip exercising today.
I have some osteoarthritis-related problems, so rest-day today.
I have some extra work in office; I’ll have to go in earlier than usual. So, no time for gym.
I feel light, all my clothes fit fine, so what’s the need to exercise.
It’s hot today, so I’ll sweat a lot anyway
Yesterday I exercised a lot, so I burnt a lot of extra calories.
I didn’t eat much today, my calorie-intake was not high, so I can put it off toady.
One day will not make a difference, since I am generally regular

The creativity in this aspect is limitless. How do I deal with these? I have no formulaic answer. Most of the times, I try to trick my mind : I comfort myself by stating , “ I will not run the whole way, or not do the whole routine of jog, push-ups, sit-ups, squats, weights, etc.” The ‘self-comforting' trick really works for my mind. It immediately falls into place and does as told. My inertia disappears. Another trick is positive reinforcement: I reward myself from time to time by allowing myself the time and resources for whatever it is that I have been wanting.

In this tussel with our own mind, it is imperative to address psychological issues. If we happen to have baggage from the past, it has a certain way of showing up on our bodies, in our health. 'Forgive and forget' is the mantra I keep chanting, not always with equal amounts of success, but nonetheless.

I must say one thing though: when you have completed more than a year’s journey with the fitness issue, diet does not remain a concern any longer. Eating right becomes a habit. Your appetite somehow shrinks. You are no longer susceptible to over-eating.

My ongoing struggle is with my mind, sometimes as turbulent as the shallow waves that break relentlessly near a shore. It has to be trained to calm down like the placid waters of the deep sea.

Profit fundamentals for the new investor.

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 05:17:00 +0000

Ground rules of the 'money' game.

By the law of averages, for most people the share-market is like Diagon Alley in Rowling’s Harry Potter series, attractive with its sinewy twists and turns and promises of unforeseen treasures, but accessible only to ‘others’ (read ‘wizards’). For some, it is like a slippery slope that discourages subsequent attempts after the first failed one. Blessed are the few that have been there and remained steadfast over time. Gratefully, I count myself in this last group.

I ventured in quite by accident, out of having nothing much to do at the time (intellectually, that is! every mother goes through those child-rearing years wherein it becomes imperative to find pursuits that would help maintain sanity). A decade ago, with a meager 15 thousand rupees in hand and zero internet connectivity it might have appeared sheer madness, had I been in a balanced state of mind to consider the odds. Thank God I wasn't. Providence works in mysterious ways, offering you opportunities where you would expect none.

It's a good idea to have a fund manager, but an even better idea to learn the ropes yourself.

Since I had strayed in out of sheer curiosity, it was but natural that I would be clueless and directionless. The one thing that probably differentiated me from other such curious visitors was that I had already heard that some perceive the share-market as a place to make a quick buck, while others stick around for years studying it as if it were something alive-with a mind of its own. This second aspect caught my fancy as I saw in it an opportunity to stay engrossed for hours at a stretch while at the same time baby-sitting a toddler.

I entered, I ventured and I faltered. My roller-coaster ride had begun!! I made my share of mistakes over the next couple of years, but ultimately found my footing. Ever since, I have not left. Although that does not make me a “Guru” of the market, here I humbly share with all who are today as naïve and new as I was then, the wisdom that I have gleaned from my journey so far.

Ø Define short and long term priorities: think about and define your short and long term financial goals; would you like to buy a fancy car in two years’ time? Would you like to be able fund your child’s education abroad 10 years down the line?

Ø Start with a Mutual Fund: this is a safe ‘option’ as part of the returns are guaranteed. Besides a fund manager is there beside you at all times guiding your investment options.

Ø Before every decision, take time to weigh options: for every small or big investment you make in the share market, there are multiple options. Do not look at too many options in order not to get confused. Select a few, study them, then invest in the most promising.

Ø Do not operate out of greed or fear: these two emotions will cloud your judgment.

Ø Listen to advice from all and sundry; then use your own judgment: it is very important to pay heed to dissenting voices in the market who regularly speak on television channels.

Ø Study balance sheets of companies: while doing this, it is important to feel and operate as an insider, an ‘owner’ or ‘potential owner’ of the company.

Ø Alternatively, look closely at what people are buying in Supermarkets: if you absolutely cannot study balance sheets and business reports, people’s buying preferences can give you a clue about the general ‘goodwill’ factor of a company or the lack of it.

Ø Know when to enter a space; exiting will become easier: one of Warren Buffet’s simplest tenets has been to buy into established companies (that he calls the “Coca Colas” of the world), but at low prices. What is a low price? Look at 52 week prices, or over even longer periods, if required.

Ø Restrict your portfolio: the magic number here is eight; keep the number of companies you are investing in, in control. Do not crowd your portfolio- it will become unmanageable.

Ø Never speculate: Many a time I have been tempted to speculate, but did not. I recalled the “greed and fear” principle just in time to be able to resist.

Ø Do not hesitate to cut losses: if after investing in a scrip, you realize after a reasonable period of time, that you have made a mistake, have the sense to exit and cut losses. Always remember, there are alternative deployments possible for your money at any given time. At all cost, avoid taking a 'mistake' made as a 'personal failure'. You have not failed until you have given up trying.

Now you are ready
to start milking the cash cow!

I sincerely hope these points benefit at least a few people who are looking at opportunities to invest. As this piece is meant for the young investor (‘new’ to the market, that is), I am abstaining from more detailed discussions about different types of operations possible, and their pros and cons.

If anyone has queries, I request you to post those as comments. I promise to address each to the best of my ability. Better still, if you have suggestions for me, I will be very grateful if you leave them here.

Why we need a "Women's Day"

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 01:33:00 +0000

We have "Mother's day", "Daughter's day", "Wife's day", "Sister's day".....do we still need a "Women's day"?

Well, what’s the harm in having one day out of 365, dedicated to women?

8^th of March is celebrated internationally as IWD (International Women’s Day). It began as socialist political event- at one point in History it was even called International Working Women’s Day. Today it has largely lost those overtones and is celebrated the world over as an occasion to remember and recognize women in various roles, their achievements in an unequal world.

Women have come a long way...from being relegated to dark-dingy kitchens, or behind curtains, or with child-bearing and rearing, or to propagating the 'happy home' image in adverts by posing next to kitchennettes and vaccum cleaners....to choosing to take on diverse roles in building the professional as well as social matrix as they are today, in both rural and urban worlds, in the West as well as in the Orient. This is no mean feat and deserves to be celebrated.

Some would argue that having a special day dedicated to women actually defeats the very cause that it sets out to commemorate in the first place: that of women’s struggle for equality. Why would they need a day to themselves and want equality at the same time? On the other side of the debate is the consideration that such an occasion would really force women to stop and reflect about who they really are, what is their place in the male-biased or female biased cultural hegemony. As for me, I take this opportunity to gratefully salute those generations of unsung women in both public and private lives whose unwavering faith in and relentless effort towards this cause have given us what we enjoy today - a better world in this sense at least, while at the same time acknowledging that the road ahead must be tread.

Perhaps some of us will live to see a day when it would no longer be necessary to celebrate Women’s Day as we would have come together on a broader platform just as human beings, each gender playing the assigned role with full consciousness that it is but a necessary arrangement in order to better the human condition.

Until then, let women be especially honored, humored, loved and cherished as Mothers, Sisters, Lovers, Wives, Friends and Colleagues, on all days and especially on this day.

It is a practice in many countries to gift women ‘yellow mimosas’ – a symbol of spring and of happiness. Then of course, there are other gifts like diamonds which can make most women go over the moon. If not any of these, then a simple warm smile and a sincere wish can also do the trick.

Take your pick.

When enough is not enough

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 04:28:00 +0000

There used to be a time when buying new clothes needed an occasion like a birthday or a festival or New Year, when the connection of the first landline telephone at home would send a thrill down our spines, when in a family of two or three kids getting your own study desk seemed like a privilege. Yes, I am talking about a bygone era when enough was really more than enough. Things are different now. We are living in an age when enough is never enough.

Take for example the current craze for gadgets for communication like cell phones or tablets, etc. Consumers are looking for more and more feature-laden gizmos, service providers are promising enhanced connectivity, bandwidth, and what not. It is a common sight to see youngsters with one or more of these in their hands, typing away feverishly, apparently ‘communicating’ with ‘friends’. It makes me wonder whether the same people would be as communicative with each other if they met face to face. Since the present generation of parents of these youngsters also insist that that their ward must have one of these for the sake of safety, it makes me wonder whether our parents were less protective of us when we were kids

Consumerism, which was once a phenomenon in the West, has invaded the Asian spaces as well. Manufacturing is going on unabated, media & advertising are spreading the word around about what’s on the shelves and there is plenty of money chasing these goods, even from the middle class segment. People buy clothes, shoes, bags and other accessories not for looking good in them but because possessing brands gives them an identity. So nothing short of designer labels is worth even looking at. Is this adding to our self-worth or eroding from it, one often wonders.

We are living in times of excess, of yearning beyond the basics. By basic definition, a car is supposed to be a vehicle that can carry you safely and comfortably from point A to B. That would be just enough. But enough is no longer enough; so if it is not a fancy piece of equipment, promising you a pick up speed of 0-180 km/h in 8 seconds or less (in cities where traffic moves at snail’s pace), it is not worth possessing. Your house or apartment is inadequate if you are not part of a conglomerate with club-houses and gyms and swimming pools! A wedding ceremony is no longer the celebration of the coming together in love of two beautiful souls. It must have all the jazz and glitter that money can buy. The locale has to be at least five star to be worth a mention, with exotic menus and designer jewelry and clothes. Even information is available in excess, thanks to the internet. So nobody really bothers painstakingly acquiring it, as we once used to do, by waiting in long queues and spending hours at libraries.

By the laws of economics, anything that is available in excess undergoes erosion of value.

Nobody, and yes, I repeat, nobody finds all this nauseating! We are slowly but inevitably getting socialized to accept this as our way of life. I know the ultimate wisdom is in accepting things the way they are, but cannot avoid feeling the agony of losing my sense of proportions, the angst for a time when value and worth were not commodities on sale in the marketplace.

What not to do this Valentine's Day !!

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 10:48:00 +0000

Love is in the air....

You can feel it, so can I, what with the weather being perfect at this time of the year and the markets abuzz with products and services for the love-struck wallet. If your heart's a-flutter contemplating about how wonderfully romantic Valentine's Day is going to be, you might just risk throwing caution to the winds and commit a faux-pas ( for the non-french speaker, this word roughly translates to 'a blunder in etiquette or manners'). What held the promise of a lovely day might just turn into a nightmare of misunderstandings.

So, here comes a list of what NOT TO DO this Valentine's Day

What not to do on the day:

Expect her to come and meet you - pick her up.
Arrive late for that appointment - a woman hates to be kept waiting, do not take chances, arrive at least 30-45 minutes ahead of time.
Over-dress - come well groomed but not dressed like a dandy.
Under-dress - again come well groomed, no girl likes to go on date with a slob.
Appear clue-less about the plan - plan ahead about where you want to take her, make reservations, check out the venue yourself in advance.
Get chatty with a friend - if you happen to meet an old friend, keep the conversation restricted to a bare courteous minimum. You can always catch-up with him/ her some other day.
Praise any other woman - even it is your mother or sister; save that for some other day. Today is her day.
Over eat at dinner - a date with a glutton is not very romantic. Go home and eat if you are hungry.

What not to say to your lady-love :

"You are late" - better get used to this as this is one of the privileges she is going to expect lifelong.
"You are my better half'" - think about it, if you call her this, then by default, you are the worse half, which she might not be interested in.
"You complete me" - so before she made an appearance into your life what were you? A half-boiled egg, or a half-baked cookie?
"I cannot live without you" - don't be surprised if you hear "Get a life" in response to this lame declaration.
"I like spending time with you" - so she is nothing more than your favourite pass-time, huh!
"Roses are red, violets are blue..." - or any other cheesy rhymes that you find on the internet; these are fake and will make you seem so.

What not to gift her:

A half-heart pendant - very very retro, reminiscent of cheesy movies from the '70s.
A cuddly teddy-bear - she is an adult in a relationship, not a school-girl with pig-tails!
A deodorant or body spray - I'm sure you're not dumb enough for me to have to tell you what message this could carry.
A coffee-maker/ food-processor / any other kitchen-gadget - are you really going to risk telling her that you expect her to need/ use/ be engaged with these?
A bracelet/ necklace with the motif of chains or shackles - this will only serve to scare her away
A ring with your name inscribed on it - much akin to telling her "I look upon you as my property" or "I own you"

Follow these tips and have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

[Disclaimer : I can only share tips with men since I only know the woman's perspective. I welcome any of you guys reading this to leave comments that'll help women.]

Lets try talking

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 04:32:00 +0000

In a random survey for gauging if there really was some substance to the truism that men and women do not communicate in the same way, and that this was a major stumbling block for the larger part of their relationship with each other, be it as part of a couple, or in more formal relationships as those in the workplace, I directed the question "Do men and women speak the same language?" to ten people, of both sexes. Each time I got the same resounding "NO" as the answer. The emphasis on the negative made me wonder whether this was yet another of those cliché-traps from which so many of us struggle in vain to free ourselves. The proposition that men and women communicate differently has become a cliché with such phrases as “men never listen” and “women find it easier to talk about their feelings” appearing with fearful regularity in magazines to humorous greeting cards.Any over-enthusiastic stand on an issue seems to suggest that there is another side to the same issue which gets bulldozed out by the tyranny of the majority view. Is it that men and women do not speak the same language because they are biologically wired differently, or is it that society expects men and women to not speak the same language?

The "apparent" difference in the male and female

brain has been the inspiration behind some funny

and some not-funny-but-ugly comic endeavours as this one.

The male and female brain.

Neuroscience has consistently delved into the possibility as to whether the male and female brains are wired differently. To refer to just one among numerous such studies, in 2006, in a book titled The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, proposed the thesis that women’s behavior is radically different from that of men due to hormonal differences. The author concluded that the human female brain functions differently due to hormonal differences and differences in the architecture of the brain regulate such hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, she explains the major role played by talk in women's and girls' close relationships with differences in the brain: "some verbal areas of the brain are larger in women than in men." How did they get that way? "The testosterone surge" that male fetuses experience in the womb "shrinks the centers for communication." In addition, "It is during the teen years that the flood of estrogen in girls' brains activates oxytocin and sex-specific female brain circuits, especially those for talking, flirting, and socializing." As expected, Brizendine’s thesis has both supporters and detractors. The detractors, me included, prefer to go more with the “nurture” theory in the nature versus nurture debate.

Upbringing of boys and girls.

However, if you ask me, I feel that the nature versus nurture debate is and always will be inconclusive. In my own life I have tried experimenting with my own offspring to see if she voluntarily chose toys like tractors or cars or figurines of macho super-heroes. I even went to the extent of removing myself from her periphery to avoid influencing her choice in any manner. She never did. This made me, on the one hand, question the nurture theory, and on the other, also acknowledge that perhaps socialization was happening implicitly as she was part of peer groups where others were unknowingly perpetuating the gender stereotypes even if I was conscious of not doing so. In much the same way, society finds its ways of perpetuating language stereotypes in little boys and girls.

Any study of children at play is likely to reveal that little girls tend to use moderated commands with the intention of generating consensus, i.e. when they want to get the group to do something they use suggestion rather than a direct command. They begin with phrases such as 'let's', ‘shall we’, 'we could' to get others to do things, instead of imposing their personal power. On the other hand, boys tend to have more hierarchically organized groups (such as those in football teams) than girls and speech is often used to assert dominance. Boys use aggravated or explicit directives-with full social sanction- to get what they want, e.g. 'Get off', 'Gimme', 'I want'. This type of command establishes status differences within a group. Certain stylized speech events such as joking, arguing and storytelling are valued in boys' groups.

Communication as adults

As grown-ups, men and women manifest the same communication patterns learnt in childhood play-groups: Women send out and look for signs of harmony by linking what they say to the speech of others. They are careful to respect each other's turns in speaking and even apologize for speaking out of turn.. Men tend to drown each other out, jumping from topic to topic, vying to tell anecdotes about their achievements. They rarely talk about their feelings or their personal problems. Men compete for dominance, with some men clearly taking the lead. (In the animal kingdom, this behavior is known as establishing who the pack-leader is). They don't feel the need to link their own conversations to that of others. Instead, they are more likely to ignore what has been said before and to stress their own point of view. Women use language to create and maintain social cohesiveness and their activities are generally co-operative and non-competitive.

Sociolinguists try to justify the greater frequency of polite speech in women than in men by in relation with socially acceptability for a man to be forward and direct his assertiveness to control the actions of others. Language, after all, is not just a mode of communication; it is also an instrument of power-play. In any intelligent communication this power-play element is as obvious as an elephant present in the room, yet sometimes we choose to pretend that it is not there.

Here are some examples of how society plays an important role in determining the social functions of language.

-A girl is told “act like a lady” / “respect those around you”

-A boy is told “don’t cry like a girl” / “be a man”

- Women are said to 'gossip' while men 'talk shop’; men are assumed to be "firm" while women are "bossy."

-We often hear “boys will be boys” but seldom “girls will be girls”

-If a man talks more, he is “assertive”; if a woman talks more, she is “garrulous”.

-If a man talks less, he is “reticent”; if a woman talks less, she is “arrogant”.

Fortunately, these roles are getting recognized as stereotypes and not being insisted upon

Bridging the gap.

Since we observe that women tend to be more relationship oriented and accomplish tasks by building relationships first while men tend to be more task oriented and go straight to the task, here are a few strategies on how to communicate better with each other. Most of these are tried and tested, either by me or some close friends:

-Non-verbal clues

During a conversation if a woman nods her head, she is simply showing that she is listening. Men should not leave the conversation thinking that a head nod means agreement and later be surprised to find out that the woman didn't agree at all.
When a woman is speaking to a man and he does not say anything and stays in neutral body language, he is probably showing that he is listening. The woman should not interpret that as the man being bored or not understanding what she is saying. So she should avoid repeating what she was saying.
A woman actually tends to use more direct eye contact in a conversation to create relationship and connection. Men should not take that as a challenge to their power or position.
Men often approach from the side or at an angle, which is how each of them tends to stand or sit when talking to others. Women should not interpret this as his is not being upfront or hiding something from her.

-Verbal clues

A woman often processes information out loud. The man should not make the mistake of thinking that she is insecure or looking for his approval.
A man often processes information internally and is therefore quiet while doing so. The woman should not think that she is being deliberately shut out from the process. She should avoid probing or nagging until he is comfortable enough to discuss what he has processed. Therefore timing is crucial.

If both genders make the attempt to become aware and stay aware of male and female styles of communication, they would in general be in a better position to deal with the complexity and diversity of situations in today's world both personally and professionally by leveraging each other’s strengths. We should not be afraid to recognize differences. Once we do that it will be easier to have open discussions in order to find similarities and use those differences to achieve greater goals together.

The 'Fashion' Vs 'Style' debate: the commoner's perspective.

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 03:19:00 +0000

The fashion versus style debate has been raging on for decades now. I am neither a style icon, nor a fashion expert, just here to tell the common man’s or woman’s side of the story in this dilemma.

Who is this common man/ woman in focus?

To begin with an observation of a phenomenon in the society I live in: In India, the vast majority of the task-force belongs in a very young age-group. This segment of the population suddenly has a lot of money at disposal. The retail sector is of course leaving no stone unturned in order to loosen their purse-strings by offering them choices galore in clothes, fashion accessories and gadgets, luring them into believing that possessing these brands will ultimately define their existences and their beings.

These young professionals are eager to make a statement- about their new-found financial independence, about having arrived somewhere in life. The most immediate and obvious means of making that statement is of course the way they appear. Most of them are acutely aware of the latest ‘trends’ in the fashion market. They know exactly what is being launched by which brand. Some of them are even honest enough to admit that they are actually saving up in order to be able to afford the absolute ‘must-haves’. And all this so that they might ‘appear’ fashionable or trendy season after season.

Asking the question: Am I hip and happening?

The launch happens, they buy, they sport these and for a while are happy. And I am happy for them for as long or short a while they are. However, there is a certain amount of pain as well seeing them all, barring a few rare exceptions, thank God, look like clones (forgive the directness of the expression) of each other, one indistinguishable from the next. If the latest in women’s fashion is having a tattoo or having an eyebrow pierced, then in a single gathering you would find at least three to four girls with the same thing. If the latest in men’s fashion is sporting a stubble, then every alternate guy you talk to has a stubble. After a while you might even forget who you just met or spoke to.

Are any of these people conscious of this, I wonder? I’m sure no one is actually aiming to become a faceless number in the fashionable crowd. The whole point of dressing up is probably to say, “hey, please notice, I am different or I am unique.” These faceless numbers are all people who you would say are ‘fashionably’ dressed. Why is it then that they are sacrificing their uniqueness for a mass hysteria to look the same, to become yet another ‘product launched’ by the fashion industry?

Is there a positive side to this?

There is indeed a positive side to this as well, especially in a country of diverse demographies like India. The youth of today are united by this Fashion-brand culture. Differences of heralding from diverse linguistic and ethnic backgrounds are no longer visible thanks to the jeans and tees and nokias and iPods. This is especially beneficial as the need of the day is frequent relocation and reintegration due to the ever-changing job prospects not only in different parts of the country, even in different parts of the globe. The mass culture wipes out identities and individualities effectively. As a result we have a united youth who have plugged in to whatever is the latest ‘trend’ in the market.

There is of course no harm in being ‘fashionable’ in this sense if one is happy being No.X or No.Y in the Fashion database. Thankfully I notice that some people are not party to this mania. They have what I would call a sense of style.

Having a sense of style.

Now to the question as to what it really means to have a sense of style. Does it mean keeping up with the latest trends by wearing the latest “It” items? Or does it, in fact, mean dressing in an original way that suits your own personality and body type? In my view, style is in saying something about who you are by the way you dress. You may or may not sport the latest fad of the market. If you wear the latest in fashion, it does not necessarily mean that you would become just another number without a sense of style. By avoiding the latest fad in the market you do not necessarily make a style-statement. What is required is rather a happy marriage of the two. Follow the trends in fashion, choose what is in sync with your personal style and make it work for you. But before all that, define your personal style.

Defining one’s personal style.

Sandra Bullock
Distinct Personal Style.

Nelson Mandela
Defined Personal style

A good way to begin doing this is by loving the way you look, believing that simply by virtue of being part of Creation, you are already beautiful and unique just the way you are, even without any adornments. Next, become aware of your body type (weight/ height/ skin tone/ bone structure) and temperament (outgoing and extroverted? shy, reserved and introverted? fun-loving? serious? or both?). Last, and very important, find the answer to what type of personality you are. Do you enjoy indoor activities more or outdoor ones? Do you like hanging out with a large group of friends or just a few close ones? Do you admire anyone as a style icon in your personal life?( My style icon was, and continues to be, my late father. )

Once you start having this little conversation with yourself your own personal style will become visible to you. Then you can get ready to hit the retail floor and make ‘fashion trends’ work for your personal ‘style’

Points to ponder on while shopping.

Ø Never buy anything that just looks good on display, try it to find out if it does anything for you. Ask yourself: Was this made for me?

Ø Wear what you can carry off with confidence; what makes you feel good as you, not as a kitsch-copy of someone else.

Ø Go easy on accessories: if you are making a statement with your spectacle lenses, then avoid the nose ring. If you are sporting elaborate danglers as earrings, leave you neck bare.

Ø Instead of focusing on hiding what you imagine are flaws, highlight what you think are your best features.

Ø If you are on the heavier side do not assume that wearing lose fitting clothes will hide the flab. Focus on clothes that enhance what's positive in you.

Ø If your complexion is dusky, go for darker colors; if you are wheatish, wear pastel shades, if you are on the fairer side wear lighter shades.

Ø Dress according to season; a blue green outfit on a cloudy day can make you feel wonderfully one with nature. An off-shoulder dress on a cold evening is not a good idea.

Ø Take advantage of your age: If you are young, make youth work for you. I f you are mature, make maturity your forte.

Ø Always have good quality footwear in basic colors like, dark tan, beige, and black. Avoid colors such as orange or blue, unless you are headed to a fancy-dress party.

Ø Invest in good quality inner-wear, what makes you feel good inside will ultimately make you look good outside.

Ø Always remain well-groomed if you are living a city life.

Ø Always smell good; identify one or two signature perfumes.

Ø Remember: the ultimate ‘oomph’-factor comes from your body and mind(physical and mental health); everything else is at best secondary.

A few last words...

Dress according to occasion: understated elegance is best for a concert, prim professional dressing for an important conference at work, jazz it up if you are going dancing. From my own experience and from what others have shared with me, it transpires that being underdressed can be embarrassing, but being overdressed can be far more so.

The final wisdom...

If in doubt, leave it out…

From FAT to FIT in four months.

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 05:19:00 +0000

The spiritual Gurus tell us more often than we care to hear that we are spiritual beings living physical lives in a physical form, the body. Whether you like it or not, you are a prisoner inside your body, you live there.

It is from an urge to improve my living quarters that I started devoting some time and attention to corporal fitness. For the benefit of those who are now suffering from what I experienced as side-effects of weight gain, I was inspired to share this, which, otherwise was quite a personal journey.

I was suffering from physical conditions such as fatigue, palpitation (after taking the stairs), persistent back pain, etc. Progressively I was showing a preference for indoor activities when it came to leisure, to the extent that I was unwilling to walk short distances even while shopping. These physical conditions were also accompanied by psychological symptoms such as feeling stressed most of the time, easy irritability, bouts of depression without any apparent cause, dependence on food for an instant feel-good, fear of any physical effort (as little as that of lifting a pair of shoes to place it on the rack!), procrastination & nervousness, and many other unrecognized ones.

Adding insult to injury was the experience of walking into stores and discovering to my dismay that all those clothes with beautiful silhouettes did not fit me…I could only get into XXL mis-shapen ones.

(At this point I would like to stop and clarify that this was a personal experience, no offense meant to anyone who is an XXL. If you are comfortable being at that place, then there is absolutely NO NEED to do anything to alter that. After all, self-image is all about being comfortable being who you are. The fact is I was not comfortable being there, and so I had to do something. This piece is meant for those and only those people who are now where I was once and do not like it)

This was by no means my first attempt at attaining fitness. Most of my earlier attempts had failed and this time I had the good sense to look back and realize the following:

• Crash dieting doesn’t work. It is impractical and can be harmful

• Any one type of exercise, like Yoga, Aerobics, Freehand or Gym is ineffective. A combination is required

• Consistency is more important than sporadic outbursts of enthusiasm

• Gymming doesn’t help you lose weight. It’s only effective when you have already lost weight and require further body toning/ sculpting.

I knew I needed to lose weight. But “let’s start”... ... ... was easier said than done. I spent a couple of months just discussing the issue. Fear of failure was uppermost on my mind. Earlier also, I had started and discontinued. Therefore, this time I needed a plan that was more realistic than idealistic.

As with the symptoms, so also for the remedy, there are two aspects: physical (involving eating right, and, exercising) & psychological (involving emotional & spiritual state).

I will not go into what to eat as you all know what to and what not to eat. Neither do I know anything about diets as I have never been on one ever. What I will say of course is this; among other things, eating is one of our primal pleasures so do not deny yourself the pleasure of eating anything, but do not go overboard. Balance it out. If not on the same day, then on the following day.

The more difficult aspect is exercising. Here too, work out realistically, a regime that you really can stick to. Start small like going for walks or taking the stairs instead of the lift, once a day. Then build up slowly. Make this your personal fetish, keep thinking about it, but do not discuss at this stage no matter what the temptation. Start with a lot of cardio exercises like jogging in place, walking, running, or combining walking and running, skipping ( if you do not have any osteoarthritis related issues). Gradually, add other free-hand or aerobic exercises. The objective is to sweat it out, no matter how you do it. Only after six weeks of doing so, can you bring in other kinds of exercises like yoga or weight training into your routine. Whatever is your combination, make sure to not extend it beyond 25 to 30 minutes per day, or 3 hours per week with one or two off days. The programme is less effective if done alone, company makes it pleasant.

The emotional-psychological reasons behind weight-gain are very individualistic and may require some professional help in certain cases. However, to start off on your journey, you may want to begin by attempting to understand the causes of overeating and/or inertia. Accept your frailties and life’s injustices; practice forgiveness, start by forgiving yourself. Chant mantras, if that helps, read and understand the scriptures. Above all, laugh more frequently.

Enjoy the process. If it works for you (as it does for me), become obsessed with it. Paste cut-outs of your favorite film-star/ sports-star (strictly in terms of body, talent may or may not matter) inside your wardrobe. To gauge whether you are actually losing weight you may use your weight as an index. Personally, I prefer going by dress sizes.

Here are some FAQs and the answers that I suggest to them.

-Where will I find the extra time?

Only YOU know that best.

-How much time do I allocate to each type of exercise?

Initially, 50% of your exercise time should be for aerobic exercises (like jogging, skipping, etc).

-How often do I have to exercise in a week?

Anything less than four times a week is INEFFECTIVE

-Do I have a rest day / rest days!!!?

Yes of course you do. But more than TWO a week is TOO much

In your four-month journey from Fat to Fit, there will of course come some moments of crises. These are the times, when you need a friend to keep you from giving up. These crises moments will coincide with the following:

ü When you are noticed by others/ When you are not noticed by others

ü When your partner does not keep pace with you/ When you give in to temptation-to overeat/to not exercise

ü Just before going to the weighing machine/ Just after you have seen your weight which has- decreased/ not decreased

ü The lack of consciousness that you may slip anytime and go back to where you started.

I will leave you to chew on that and chalk out your own plan. If you ask me how much weight I have lost, I would answer “I don’t know”, but I do know that I have dropped two dress sizes, feel a lot better about myself and have gained a lot of extra energy.

Are four months enough? Enough to get you started and keep you interested for more. My four months were over in May.

Happy journey and don’t forget to drop in a line about your fitness fundas that I might learn from!

"Sacrifice"...not sure I understand what people mean when they use this word.

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 14:56:00 +0000

Just the other day, a friend of mine was recounting details of 'sacrifices' made by her parents so that she could reach the station of life that she has. During the conversation, she was close to tears. This made me think as to whether what she was describing to me was actually what she was naively- I thought but did not dare articulate- calling 'sacrifice' or pure love.

Seriously, what does somebody mean when she/he uses this word?

Probably the indication is towards voluntarily abstaining from what otherwise would have been a more attractive path to tread for her/him.

Since we Indians absolutely love definitions, I'm going to take the liberty of exploring a couple of them.

The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy". Now look closely, 'regarded as more important or worthy'...by whom? Evidently by the person making that choice of 'giving up'. So fundamentally there is a consideration of what the 'self' perceives as 'worthy' at a given moment. There are yet other dictionaries that go a step further to add that making a 'sacrifice' entails giving up something that is dear to you in order to help 'someone else'. Noble thought indeed. But a thought is what we experience in our consciousness. This is at the experiential level.

At a more existential level, we need to ask ourselves if it is at all possible to go through this entire act of sacrificing without feeling a certain warmth, or what in common parlance is the 'feel-good factor'. In my belief, the two are inextricably linked. Moreover, the one who makes a 'sacrifice' does so because at that moment that course of action appears more 'worthy' or plain sensible to her/him ( for example, the common Indian scenario of the wife sacrificing her career for the sake of her husband's, or parents sacrificing their comforts for the sake of their children's upbringing, etc, etc.). Probably at a deeper structure, it all boils down to mere questions of 'existence'-the wife knows that at the end of the day, there will be more money in the family kitty; or of 'essence'-the sacrificial parents may either be giving in to societal pressures of a certain tacit code of behaviour, or being guided by contemplations of a handsome future where they would be the neighbours' envy on account of an achiever ward! In this sense, I would go more with one of the alternatives suggested by the Wikipedia: "a short term loss in return for a greater gain"

In the Hindu ritualistic sense, a 'sacrifice' can be equated to a yagna, involving offerings to the gods in the form of 'ghee', grains, etc. with a view to appeasing them, with a hope of greater bounties. Animal sacrifices in ancient societies have been linked to absolving of 'guilt' of hunters, who offered to the heavens above a portion of what they were using for their sustenance in the first place. It is in this domain that the word 'sacrifice' really belongs and makes some, even if restricted, sense.

When used wrongly, this word has the potential to show up in a rather poor light what belongs rightly in quite another domain, that of love. When a person, be it a parent, a spouse, or a soldier, puts considerations of others before herself/himself, that is an act of pure, unadulterated love. Let us not malign this beautiful connection between human beings by calling it what it is not- a 'sacrifice'. I'm reasonably sure that my friend's parents might never have had considerarions of deferred gratification in doing what they did for their offspring. There are no considerations of eventual gains in many such acts. In fact there is no future. The present is all. Acting out of love is its own reward and does not require a medal to glorify it. Some of us are fortuante enough to have experienced it; others may not have been that lucky.

While ruminating on this incident, I also became aware that many a time I too use words loosely, without reflecting on what they really convey. In any case, words, by their very nature are inadequate to convey the exact content because life is too large and deep, and words are at best an attempt.

Even so, maybe we should think just a little before randomly using the word in question here, 'sacrifice'.

Do parents grow?

noreply@blogger.com (Susmita Sen) — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 21:05:00 +0000

Do parents grow?

I believe they do.

When you give birth, in a way, you are also born, once again, as a parent. As a first-time parent you undergo what is akin to a "crise de conscience", not knowing what to do with the brand new gift of a miniature human being. You closely scrutinise 'it', then put distance between you and 'it' and try to decide whether to touch 'it', and if so, how...

Rebirth

Slowly you come to terms with your new reality, new identity, that of a parent. The growing, I think, begins at that precise moment. All over again you learn to walk, to talk, to touch, feel and see the old world in a brand new avatar.

As your child grows, so do you, on the way discovering in a new light and marveling at everything old . You learn all over again to read and write, to play ball and fight and cry and throw tantrums...Once more you struggle with homework and have bruised knees. All over again you go through bouts of cough and cold and flu.

As mother to a toddler, I remember finding myself able to relate to other toddlers, and feeling their sudden joys and unreasonable griefs. However, as my child grew out of toddler-hood, I lost that ability. Apparently, as my child grew, so did I. If I now offer advice to parents of toddlers, I can feel the remoteness of the experiences that I conversationally might share with them. Now, as mother to a teenager, I can clearly empathize with the average teenager's disregard for anything related to 'establishment', vicariously feel the flutter of receiving attention from the opposite gender, participate in gleeful exchange of secrets and gossip!

In all this, the one thought that is recurring is this: it is this bio-psychological satisfaction of having a second chance at reliving life's moments is what experiencing parenting is all about. This is it, and, this is all. As parents, our journey is our reward! This pre-empts or ideally should pre-empt (for the perceiving parent, at least) any ulterior expectation from the child. As Kahlil Gibran reminds us, our children come through us but not from us...

So, the next time your kid's birthday comes up, also secretly celebrate your own birthday as 'parent'.