40s Singleness-Dating in Your 40s

Communication Barriers in Dating & Relationships

2008-07-06T08:19:00.003-05:00

Though we all know how important communication is in dating & relationships, there are times when one or the other partner may have difficulties communicating. It doesn't mean that partner doesn't want to communicate; it just means it something they struggle to do. Many times it has nothing to do with their partner. Rather, it may be because of old beliefs from their past. I am one of those people.

Growing up I was not given the opportunity to express my feelings. They were not considered important. On the few occasions when I tried to do so, I was dismissed or even demeaned. Thus, I learned to keep my feelings to myself.

This pattern which began in childhood continued in my adult relationships. I chose men who didn't value or respect me or my opinions and feelings. If I managed to talk about my feelings, those feelings were pushed aside or ridiculed.

Fast forward 20something years, and you find a girl who has an extremely difficult times expressing her feelings in her relationships with men. The crazy part of the whole thing is that I can sit and talk about my feelings with my daughters or my closest girlfriends, but put a man in front of me that I care about and it becomes something akin to poking my own eyes out.

Everything I want to say is in my head spinning around and around. My stomach tightens and fills with mammoth sized butterflies and nothing comes out of my mouth. The words either just sit there spinning around in my brain or they flat out disappear.

It is more difficult for me than I can even explain. Never even mind the frustration. It registers about 9.5 on the Richter scale causing devastating
consequences.

I have tried very hard to overcome this obstacle as I fully understand the importance of being able to express my feelings in relationships. I get it. I have finally reached the point where I can explain why it's so difficult for me, but I seemed to have plateaued.

So how to fix it? Well, I know what doesn't work. Pressure and pushing. When I am in such a conversation with a man, and my mind feels he is pressuring me or pushing me to talk, I clam up even more. My brain becomes very stubborn and digs its heels in. If there were words in there spinning around, they disappear. The same problem occurs if the man seems cold and uncaring or even impatient.

So, again, how to fix it? I really believe it comes down to finding the right man to be able to draw my feelings out. A friend of mine recently said that it takes a strong man to deal with her and I thought to myself, "Yep. Me too." Except that, in my case, it's going to take more than strength.

It is going to take a man who is empathetic, caring, and compassionate. He will also need to be patient. Rather than pushing and pressuring me into talking, he will need to use the right combination of prompting and care.

In other words, I will need to feel safe and secure in the relationship and will need to know that, when my feelings are expressed, they will be received with respect and will be valued.

It's why I am able to talk to my girls and my close friends. I know that whatever I say or how ever I feel, they are going to understand and won't devalued or dismiss.

Thoughts?

Lisaq Does Dallas-The Afterward...

2008-07-05T07:36:00.002-05:00

If you missed Parts I, II, & The Final Thoughts, you can read them here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I, Lisaq Does Dallas-Part II, Lisaq Does Dallas-The Final Thoughts. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan, Sexual Tension Builds, and Mambo Taxis and Corona's.

The thing is that there has been so much more going on for me behind the scenes. Things I hadn't felt comfortable posting until now. Things I needed to think through and try to understand. And, the truth is, I still don't understand it all but I have wrapped my brain around some of it.

I'll begin by saying that Eathan was disappointed in my posting. He felt as if I wrote only shallow references to what he wrote, and perhaps he's right. I tried to write what I felt comfortable with at the time.

But more than that I tried to write with respect and consideration for his feelings. I was hesitant to write what I was feeling because I didn't want to write negative posts. I was trying to spare feelings and it left him feeling cheated.

So, all of that being said, I will give you a more insightful glimpse into my trip to Dallas. Bear in mind that these are MY feelings and impressions and, as such, they are only one perspective. Also realize that I am not trying to bash or flame Eathan. I am only trying to describe my own feelings.

I'll begin all of this by saying that our time together Saturday night and Sunday morning was incredible! Eathan was the perfect date. He was that guy you dream of going out with. He was attentive and funny. His body language and his manner said he wanted to be with me. There was a lot of hand holding, hands on thighs (and other body parts), and kissing.

I think I used the words mind-blowing when I described the sex and indeed it was. I'm still not going to go into intimate detail here, but I will tell you that I felt very connected to him and that it was an experience like I've never had before.

Next morning we lounged in bed and it was very comfortable. I still felt very connected. The intimate moments shared that morning were wonderful and, when he took me back to the hotel to get ready for our day, I was in a spectacular place.

I was very pleased by the way things had progressed. I was on cloud nine cliche as that sounds. I knew that I was in that perfect place. That place that would allow me to return to Map Dot with a smile on my face.

Sadly, the tide turned for me. Eathan returned to pick G & I up for our Sunday lunch and evening at Duke's. During lunch, I felt a shift in Eathan's interaction with me. He was less attentive. Though there were a few moments when he touched my leg or put his arm around me, I didn't feel at all as if he were focused on me.

My mind began spinning as I tried to figure out what the hell had happened. Yesterday, I posted in the Shot at Love Finale post two questions Tila asked. Why? What am I doing wrong?

I began to try to figure out what had happened in those few hours between the time he dropped me off and arrived to pick us up. My mind kept going to that 'what did I do wrong' place. Had I done something to turn him off? Was it something I said, something I did?

When we arrived at Duke's, the feelings remained. He seemed almost aloof. I felt as if I were just another girl at the bar and not his date. What had begun as the perfect date began to spin into worst date territory for me.

Later in the evening he did begin interacting with me more. There was a little more touching and and little more conversation. We left Duke's, went to Whataburger and then back to his place.

It had been a long couple of days. We were both tired. Eathan, in his way, tried to talk to me about how I felt about the night before. Now I will tell you that talking about my feelings is very difficult for me. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. I try to do my best, but old beliefs and interactions make it very difficult.

Add to that the fact that I didn't perceive the questions he was asking as a discussion of feelings and emotions and things did not go well. He was trying to talk about feelings and emotions; I felt as if he wanted to analyze the sex. I felt pressured and pushed and, though I know that's not what he intended, it caused me to clam up. Finally, we both went to sleep.

The next morning the intimate moments were dissatisfying for me. I felt completely disconnected from him and my brain was in overdrive spinning out of control. I was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

When I left Dallas, I was not in a good place and I have spent the week trying to wrap my brain around it all. I couldn't figure out how we went from the most incredible date ever to 'oh my god what just happened here' in what seemed like just a few hours. I felt a shift in those few hours on Sunday and I felt like we never got back to where we were before.

I felt, and still feel, that he pulled away from me. Perhaps I misread or there were other things going on. I don't know. I just know that things did not end in the way I had hoped. I am still trying to come to terms with that.

Please understand that I am not trying in any way to paint Eathan in a negative light. I'm not. I'm only trying to give you my feelings and impressions many of which I am still struggling to figure out.

Thoughts?

A Shot at Love-The finale

2008-07-04T08:18:00.004-05:00

Yes, I know the finale was 3 days ago. It's been quite the week for me though, so I didn't get a chance to watch until last night. And, I probably wouldn't have posted about it at all, but I was struck by some things Tila said at the end of the episode that hit home for me.

In the finale, with only Bo & Kristy left, Tila struggled to make her decision. She put the 2 finalists through one more challenge and invited a couple of their friends from home to help.

Bo & his buddies won the challenge giving them time with Tila in the strip club first. Kristy & her girls soon crashed the party and all had a good time. Next day Tila had one last date with each contestant. Bo professed his love. Kristy took a much different road.

She expressed her fears and concerns having never been in a relationship with a woman. She told Tila she was scared and Tila reassured her.

At elimination, Tila sent Bo home, but that wasn't the climax. When Tila tried to give Kristy the final key, Kristy turned it down saying she wasn't the right person for Tila because she's not ready for a relationship for a woman; that it's not just a key. It's a relationship she's not ready for. Tila crumbled. Watch the video clip if you missed it.

But here's what struck me? At the end of the episode Tila made this statement, "I'm looking for love, and each person I want to give it to keeps walking out on me. Why? What am I doing wrong?"

I was really struck by the questions. Why? What am I doing wrong? How many of us have ever felt that way. I know that I have. Recently. Thinking about these questions gave me a lot of insight into my own feelings about past relationships and even into my recent date with Eathan. So, even though I posted my final thoughts on that yesterday, I realized there is more that needs to be said. Tune in tomorrow for Lisaq Does Dallas-The Afterward.

(Photo Source)

Lisaq Does Dallas-The Final Thoughts...

2008-07-03T08:41:00.001-05:00

If you missed Parts I & II, you can read them here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I and Lisaq Does Dallas-Part II. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan, Sexual Tension Builds, and Mambo Taxis and Corona's.

Eathan has posted most of the details of our final hours in Dallas, so it seems repetitive to me to post them again. And the truth is that this, the final post, is one that is difficult for me to write.

The reasons are ones that I don't feel that I can go into and for that I apologize. Know that if there were a way for me to do it, I would do so without hesitation.

If you've read 40s Singleness for any length of time, you know that I am very conscious of being honest and respectful in my posts. I am not afraid to put my truths out the for the world to see. In this case, however, I just don't feel comfortable giving you all of my feelings and impressions.

I will say that the trip was incredibly wonderful and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. G and I had a fabulous time and Eathan was a wonderful host. He showed us the best of Dallas and introduced us to some amazing people.

Without a doubt, one of the highlights for me was getting the opportunity to meet Dan & Jennifer of askdanandjennifer.com. They are two completely fabulous people and I feel very lucky to call them friends. We had such a great time with them and enjoyed their company so much.

I don't know where this road will lead, but I do know that there will another trip to Dallas for G and I. Though it had a hella rocky start, it was still a trip full of memories to be cherished for a lifetime.

Lisaq Does Dallas-Part 2

2008-07-02T08:08:00.001-05:00

If you missed Part I, you can read it here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan and Sexual Tension Builds.

You all know by now that sex is not a casual thing for me. I don't do FWB relationships anymore and I don't do one night stands. Sex for me is more about connection and intimacy. I don't have sex just to get an itch scratched. I don't take sex casually or lightly. I just don't.

I know what you're going to say, I obviously didn't take that approach with Eathan. And you'd be right. It was one of those rare occasions when lisaq decided to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy herself.

And can I just say, holy crap! I definitely did enjoy myself. I'm not going into all the details. You can read Eathan's post for that.

Up front let me say that I did definitely feel a connection with Eathan. If I hadn't, there would have have been an awkward "see you tomorrow" moment rather than mind blowing sex. Yes, I said mind blowing.

But it was more than just the sex. I felt completely at ease and comfortable. He was amazingly in tune with me and literally left me speechless. And me speechless is a rare damn thing indeed.

And I'll be honest. There were moments when I wondered why the hell don't I do this more often. When I thought that I must be insane to not throw caution to the wind and enjoy myself on a regular basis. Not because I had an itch that needed scratched, not because I was curious about sex with a black man, but because in the months that we had been talking and getting to know each other I came to care about him as a person and I have missed that kind of connection in my life.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 3!

Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I

2008-07-01T08:07:00.003-05:00

So I promised you all details right? Over the next few days that's just what you'll get! If you details such as exactly where we went, etc. just visit I Date White.

G and I left Map Dot on Friday night and headed to Wichita where we did a little pre-trip partying at Club Rodeo. We awoke to a downpour the next morning as we headed to Dallas. The trip itself would have been comical if it hadn't been such a nightmare.

We were about 60 miles south of Oklahoma City when I blew a tire. It was quite the 2 hour delay. Understand that there isn't a whole lot of civilization in this part of Oklahoma. I called Alltel's roadside assistance and a nice tow truck driver from Pauls Valley, Oklahoma, arrive to put the spare on and direct us to a tire store.

Ummm...now I don't know if you've all seen Deliverance, but let's just say I expected to hear dueling banjos at any moment! Thankfully they didn't have the right size tire and we escaped the backwoods to the relative safety of the Wal Mart tire lube express where Pvt. Benjamin Buford 'Bubba' Blue (Forest Gump) took our information and set us up with a new tire. Finally, we were back on the road.

Texas greeted us with a torrential downpour which caused even more delays and included a light show which ended in a house getting struck by lightning. Finally, we arrived at the hotel and checked in. Whew! There were moments I wasn't sure we'd get there!

Eathan arrived to pick us up after we had showered and refreshed and the night began! I'll be honest enough to say that when I opened the hotel room door, I was pleasantly surprised. Eathan was looking fine! After a hug and kiss, we headed out on the town. G & I needed food and beer!

We had an incredible time! Conversation was easy and comfortable and Eathan was a wonderful date. There was hand holding and kissing throughout the evening and I felt very connected.

Eathan's friend, Nigel, arrived to join us and he and G hit it off as well. Good times were had by all. We ended up at a nice place with an 80s band and completely enjoyed the atmosphere and the music....not to mention the company.

By the time we left there, I was definitely feeling Eathan and was looking forward to what was to come. But you'll have to tune back in for Part II to find out just what that was!

How to Flirt Like a Pro

2008-06-28T07:32:00.002-05:00

A tongue in cheek look at flirting. Though funny, there is some truth mixed in here. You may just want to pull it back some...ummm...maybe more than some. Or maybe you want to mix in some of the other tips listed after the video.

Other tried and true flirting tips you may want to consider.

Make eye contact. Now, I'm not talking about a fleeting glance although that may be a good place to start. Paige Parker, of Dating Without Drama, suggests a 3 second look. Uh huh, 3 seconds. Then break it. You don't want to be stalkerish.

Next, be sure to smile. Oh I know, it sounds like a gimme, but sometimes the butterflies in your tummy make you forget the basics. And don't come off like a hyena. Just smile naturally.

Be playful. That's what flirting is all about really, so why not have a little fun with it. And while you're at it, laugh. Laughter is contagious and puts people at ease.

My girl G. told me she had a terrific conversation last night with a guy on the phone. Her tip? Ask him about himself. He is probably one of his favorite topics. Hell, we're all that way. It makes us feel good about ourselves when people are interested in us and what we do and think.

Give him something to remember; something unique about you that makes you stand out in the crowd. Something that will capture his interest.

It's difficult to judge flirting when you've only talked to someone on the phone or via text or email. Why? Because body language is that huge. Actions still speak louder than words and those actions give you a better sense of the person you are flirting with and they with you.

For more dating/flirting tips, subscribe to Paige Parker's Dating Without Drama.

6 Biggest Dating Mistakes That Men Should Avoid

2008-06-27T08:50:00.002-05:00

This article is not mine, but still has some interesting thoughts.

From Copypastearticles.com...

There are some common mistakes made by men while dating a woman. This article intends to recognize these mistakes so you can avoid them in the future!

By Ronald Vyhmeister

Have you gone to a date that looked perfect to you, but you never received a call back, or you weren’t able to book a second date? Maybe it was not so perfect after all!

This article discusses common mistakes that men make while dating girls. (Women’s mistakes while dating is theme for another article.)

1) Men try too much to impress. Usually men try to impress their date as much as possible, telling her about his nice car, how much he earns, how much he has achieved at work, etc. Don’t try to impress by what you have, instead try to show what you are.

2) Men drink too much. This mistake seems to be quite obvious. You shouldn’t drink too much and make you look like an alcoholic, even if she drinks a lot too! If you use to drink at dates because it makes you feel more comfortable and relaxed, try to do it with measure.

3) Men don’t listen to women. Men talk all night about themselves, and when she talks he doesn’t allow her to finish and interrupts her. Try changing approach and you listen to her. Ask questions and show interest in her. Women love it!

One big mistake is going out and spending a lot of time on a cell phone or a blackberry. If it keeps ringing, turn it off. Let your voice mail take your calls.

4) Men are not chivalrous. Many men consider that being a gentlemen is something from the past that is no longer important, useful or appreciated by modern women. Well, they are wrong. Women still appreciate men who are gentlemen, opening and closing the car door for the woman is an easy way to earn points. Men shouldn’t exaggerate though.

5) Men fail to take initiative. Women dislike when men don’t have ideas to offer, or don’t show motivation. If she wants to go out and share some time with you, you should never say “I don’t know what to do!” Instead you should propose some dating ideas and ask her to choose from. You don’t have to come out with the best ideas in the world, just show that you are making an effort.

6) Telling lies. This is pretty obvious but equally common. Don’t play games with a woman and don’t tell lies. Sooner or later you will be discovered and her disappointment will be big. Most women appreciate a man who is sincere and stands by his word and action, and treats others the way they would like to be treated.

Most men never want to admit their mistakes. Sometimes admitting a mistake just shows you’re brave enough to acknowledge it, but creating a million excuses will not play to your favor.

Of course this is only general advice, and since every male or female person are different, it’s up to the couple to make it understood what they want or prefer. Communication will finally help the couple progress in their relationship, or have it finished because of lack of compatibility.

Online dating in USA and Canada http://www.datinglocalsingles.com and UK and Ireland residents visit http://www.datingswarm.co.uk

Find free, high quality articles you can republish from www.copypastearticles.com
Related tags

* dating mistakes
* dating mistake

What Makes Good Sex Good?

2008-06-26T07:04:00.000-05:00

So it seems as though I have been involved of lots of discussions about sex lately. Whether or not to have it seems to have been coming up (no pun intended) quite often, but even more often has been good sex vs. not so good sex.

One of the most fun discussions I was involved in centered around my guest post on Eve-101 a couple of days ago which was titled Sizing Him Up. As I'm sure you've figured out already it was a post discussing quantity vs. quality. Thus, there was a lot of talk about good sex and bad sex.

Now, if you've not ever visited Eve-101 you are definitely missing out. One of the best things about the site are the commenters and the interaction between them and the two wonderful founders of Eve, Trista & Karri.

One of my favorite comments on my post was a great line about well quality over quantity. Here's the interaction between Meghan and I:

M: It seems like everyone is on the same page here. I’ve had a variety of sizes and girths and outside of one man who was REALLY unfortunate, it all came down to skill and, lets not forget, PASSION for each other.
Whether you are hung or just kinda hanging, it’s not going to matter if your signature move is a half assed sexual seizure all over me.
lisaq: Haha…I don’t even know what to say! I don’t care who you are that’s some funny shit!
M: I call it ‘Sex-ilepsy’. There should be fundraising jars at the porn store to spread the word…it’s an affliction.
lisaq: We should start a drive. I know I’ve got some damn jars around here somewhere…and I’ll make signs…I mean women everywhere would join the movement. You know it and I know it.
M: We’ve gotta come up with a slogan…`
‘Can I get some better sex with that shake?’
‘Shake me, don’t break me, took my momma nine months to make me?’
I’m at a loss…

It all made me wonder even more about the differences between good and bad sex. I mean what, in your opinion, distinguishes one from the other? What is it that trips your trigger?

In doing a little research on the subject I found several things that people listed as components of good sex including:

actual feelings for/connection to the person
what particular actions/positions take place
how one feels at that particular time
how aroused one is

I also found an interesting video from CherryTV.com which lists confidence, communication, and trust as things that make good sex good.

So tell me, what makes good sex good for you?

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

2008-06-25T07:32:00.001-05:00

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!

*Note: I have no idea of the source of this pic. I received it in an email from a friend (yes, she is a good friend). If you have ownership of the picture, please email me so that I can give credit where credit is due.

Shouldn't It Be About Respect Really?

2008-06-24T08:08:00.001-05:00

Many of us do it especially in the dating blog world. You go out with someone or have a relationship issue with them. What do you do? Write a post.
And in it's basic form, there's really nothing wrong with that. I mean they are our personal experiences and we have the right to write about them, to share them, to discuss them.

Lord knows I'm not trying to be holier than thou here. I've done my share of posting about the men in my life. But when is it too much?

I think what we write about our dating/relationship experiences depends a lot on our own sense of values and character. I try to write with that person's feelings in mind. What would I want them to feel if they were to read the posts I wrote about them? Yes, all of them. Even the ones I have animosity or hard feelings about.

You see, when I write about someone it is not to demean or bash them in any way. It is to clarify my own thoughts and feelings. To try to get a handle on the whys and wherefores of the situation. To process it.

How did I get into the situation? How did it make me feel? If it was a positive situation, why and how do I continue that same path? If it was negative, why and how can I avoid another situation like it?

I think it all comes down to respect. Yes, we are entitled to free speech. We are entitled to share our experiences. But are we entitled to disrespect someone?

It seems to me there is a fine line. The last thing I want to do is cross it at someone else's expense. I'm not looking to have someone roasted because they interacted with me on some level.

If the interaction was negative and I write about it, I'm not looking to have that person's character questioned or to humiliate them. I'm simply trying to figure shit out.

And yet there are times when that is exactly what happens. At those times, I wonder if I could have gotten my point across with a more generic, general posting. Here's an example. I recently posted an article about whether or not we as women are receiving mixed messages from men or whether we are scrambling the signals as we receive them. I used an interaction between Kira and a guy she had gone out with as an example.

There were a lot of comments (all of which I appreciated) that were trying to figure out exactly what was going on with the guy. And that's fabulous. I'm certainly not implying that he was disrespected in the comments. He wasn't.

But, for me, the bigger question was the basic one. Are the messages mixed or are we scrambling the signals? So I have to wonder if I should have written the post leaving out the example.

In other words, does it always behoove us to use our personal experiences in trying to figure out the basic dating questions we deal with? Is it really necessary?

And, maybe more importantly, if we do choose to use personal experiences with people in our lives, how do we know when enough is enough? Can we maintain a level of basic human respect, not just in our posting, but also in our responses to those posts? Is it necessary to bash and humiliate someone who maybe didn't show the best judgment or even acted like a total assclown?

Thoughts?

Countdown to Dallas!

2008-06-23T08:01:00.004-05:00

Oh yes kids...we are counting down! Only 5 days left until my big trip to Dallas and weekend date with Eathan of I Date White! 5 days!

In case you somehow missed it (in which case you must be living in a hole somewhere), I am traveling to Dallas on Saturday for a weekend date with Eathan. We are so excited to meet and spend the weekend together. I think, though, that we are still taking date suggestions so, if you haven't chimed in, be sure to put your two cents in!

To make it even more fun, I will be taking a picture of Eathan to post on site revealing his face if his reader subscriptions reach 300, so be sure to subscribe to I Date White. And, while you're at it, why not click on the pretty pink button at the top right of 40s Singleness and subscribe here if you haven't already.

Eathan will be writing about our dates and I'll be doing the same so be sure to check that out! Who knows what kind of juicy details you'll all be privy to!

Unrealistic Expectations?

2008-06-21T07:14:00.007-05:00

I'll apologize up front as this could very well turn into a rant. Sometimes though you just have to say what's on your mind ya know?

As you know if you've been reading any length of time at all, 40s Singleness has for me become part of a journey. I write about dating to share my experiences so that, hopefully, someone can benefit from them. But 40s Singleness has also become part of a journey for me. One I can learn and grow from.

I am certainly not arrogant enough to think I know it all when it comes to dating or that I even have answers for every dating dilemma. Someone once called me a dating guru. Hardly. I do, however, write from my heart with honesty. There is a huge part of me in every post. I put it all out there holding nothing back. I've shared many intimate details of my life and my past, and I do it without guile or ulterior motives.

And I do it not because I'm looking for sympathy or even trying to gain readers. I do it because it's what helps me move along the path I have chosen to take in this journey.

In turn, I am touched by that same honesty in reading blogs written by those facing the same struggles or sharing parts of themselves in their writing. That kind of honesty and sharing forges some kind bond and makes connections in the blogging world. It helps develop not only friendships but a support system of sorts. One that I've come to rely on in some ways.

There has been more than one occasion when I've reached out to people with questions or issues that I might need advice on, and I've had people reach out to me as well. We may be scattered all over the world, but we are still a community. It's what makes the blogging world a unique one.

All of that being said, I've become irritated lately by bloggers who use the platform for, seemingly, less than honest reasons. You know, I've read many blogs and many blog posts which detail personal struggles or past relationship issues. Those things draw me in and establish some kind of kinship. When I read these blogs on a regular basis, I share triumphs and give support when and where it's needed. I give a part of myself just as I do when I write.

But read for any length of time and you're bound to come across something that makes you feel as if you've been hoodwinked. Maybe it's by someone who comes across in a real and honest way and then one day you realize there's no honesty at all. It's all about furthering their own interests or gaining readership. Maybe it's by someone who has seemingly shared a part of themselves or their own struggles and then you realize it was all talk, again for their own gain.

I get that we all want readers and hope to gain traffic to our blogs, but damn! I read blogs because there is a human connection. One I don't always get from reading books or listening to so-called experts. And when that connection seems to have been built on dishonesty or comes from a place of "what can I get if I do/say this," it saddens and frustrates me. For me it's about building relationships and, just as in the real world, I expect that they are based on something real and honest and not coming from a "what can I get out of this" place.

I mean have we become so hell bent on gaining readers or even dates and sex that we'll use any means necessary to get there? Perhaps I'm just that naive that I believed it all came from an honest place to begin with. Maybe this lil 40something girl from Map Dot, Kansas, walked into the big bad blogging world wearing rose colored blinders with unrealistic hopes and expectations. Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time.

Thoughts?

Just Exactly How Far Will Men Go to Get Sex?

2008-06-20T07:50:00.006-05:00

Author Faye Flam explores whether or not men are willing to work, to pay, to sweat and to risk humiliation to get sex even if there's no real chance of a relationship. According to Flam, men have to work harder to get laid.

She does say that monogamy is natural in some animals but, obviously, not in all. There's also an interesting discussion about whether or not you're born with 'game.' Apparently, in some animals the whole Cougar thing is very common.

I thought it was interesting thinking about some of the discussions we've had here at 40s Singleness about monogamy and such things.

Mixed Messages or Scrambled Signals?

2008-06-19T07:32:00.002-05:00

Communication is almost always given as one of the most important things in a relationship. But what about in dating? It seems that every woman I have talked to lately has been exasperated by what she perceives as mixed messages from potential dating partners. But is it really that the men are giving mixed messages or is that, as receivers, we scramble the signals as they come in?

Kira has been talking to a new guy the past few weeks. They met online and were texting and/or talking on the phone pretty much daily. She was enjoying their conversations immensely even to the point of a 7 hour marathon phone conversation one night. She said he was funny and easy to talk to, and there was a pretty even distribution of give and take when it came to initiating conversation.

Right up until they actually met. The first date was about a week and a half ago. They went to a movie and then spent 3 hours talking in the rain. A pretty major indication of how much she likes him considering she hates getting wet. Post date she was excited and hopeful.

Next day, however, the dynamics seemed to change. Texts and phone conversations slowed to a crawl and, when they did occur, he seemed to have pulled back. He was short, almost to the point of crankiness, and distant. After a few days of this and of wondering if she had misinterpreted how well the date went, she finally asked him if something was up.

He said that everything was cool and wondered why she asked. She replied that she felt as if there was a different dynamic at play and wanted to make sure that she hadn't said or done something that put him off. He said that she hadn't and, yet, there still seemed to be a difference both in their conversations and his manner. She didn't hear from him for several days and then, out of nowhere, he starts texting again like he did in the beginning. Last I talked to her, she was still confused and trying to figure it out.

This is a pretty typical scenario for women I talk to who are dating, and I have to wonder why we can't just mean what we say and say what we mean? Or is that even the problem? It happens so often that you almost have to wonder if the break down is in the receiving. Is there something that we are missing or misreading?

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever heard came from Randy Pausch who said that the dating advice he would leave for his baby daughter is not to listen to a man's words. Rather he would tell her to pay attention to their actions. It's not what they say, it's what they do.

And it makes a lot of sense. Unless we are scrambling the incoming signals which has definitely happened to me in the past. So how the hell do we know?

Thoughts?

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

2008-06-18T08:06:00.001-05:00

Is Dating a Numbers Game?

2008-06-17T08:06:00.002-05:00

Dating as a numbers game. Dating as a sport. Practice dating. Whatever you call it, it's a dating philosophy, and it's not one I subscribe to. I've sort of posted on this idea of quantity over quality before but recent conversations have brought it to the forefront of my mind again.

You see I'm not a subscriber to the dating as a numbers game philosophy and, sometimes, I take heat for it. I've been told many times, "It's just a drink" or "It's just lunch," and the truth is that I just don't view it that way.

Some people see it as a sort of social skills practice; others figure that by dating so many people they'll eventually find the one they're looking for. Some are dating to get laid. Still others are too polite to say NO even if they really aren't feeling it.

But what it really boils down to is why you're dating. If you haven't read NML's post on this topic, you really should because what happens if you're not clear about why you're dating or if you're dating people who are dating from a different perspective is that you are not going to find what you're looking for.

And that is my problem with dating being a numbers game. My motive for dating is that I'm looking for a relationship that will grow into a long term relationship. Why would I waste my time going out with men who I know I don't have interest in.

I know, I know. You're going to tell me that I can't possibly know I'm not interested if I don't go out with them and give them a chance. It's just lunch right? Wrong.

Let's say I meet someone who wants children. I'm past that. My children are grown & gone. I don't want more. That's just not where I'm at in my life. So knowing that, if I meet someone who is there, I already know I'm not interested. Why in the world would I go out with that guy?

To practice my social skills? To make a new friend? Nope. I can do that in any number of social situations. I'm not dating to improve my social skills or to make friends. It's not what I'm looking for, and I can do those things in a lot of other places and situations.

My other issue with dating as a numbers came is that you're reasons for dating become blurred. You meet people that make great friends. You meet people and end up getting laid. But are you really making the kinds of connections you need to make to find the relationship you're looking for? NML says it's "Almost like if you throw enough sh*t at a wall, it’ll stick." I couldn't agree more.

Another side of it is why the people you're dating are dating. If they are dating looking for a relationship and you're into dating as a numbers game, there are bound to be hurt feelings. Consider the girl that accepts a date with a guy she has no romantic interest in. She's thinking "It's just lunch." He's thinking "I really like this girl. Hope this goes somewhere." He becomes smitten; she's still just having lunch. Even if she explains up front that friendship is all she is looking for, the opportunities for future problems and awkwardness is there.

Bottom line when you date like it's a numbers game, people become numbers. I don't want want to treat people like that and I damn sure don't want to be just a number to someone.

Thoughts?

China Revisited

2008-06-16T08:11:00.001-05:00

It had been another long week. Issues with the girls, more mama drama than any girl should have to deal with and other assorted things had me pretty drained by the time Thursday night rolled around. G and I had planned to attend the opening jam session for the Smoky Hill River Festival which is held every June here in Map Dot. We loaded up our cooler full of alcohol and headed to the festival grounds.

After several bands and a couple of drinks, I was finally beginning to relax. G had promised my attitude and mood would improve and be damned if she wasn't right! My phone rang and I moved away from the stage to try to hear.

After finishing my conversation, I turned around and there stood China. I haven't seen him in a few months and, honestly, it was a nice surprise. We chatted for a few minutes and I told him I was going to return to my seat.

Truth be told G and I had been having conversations about him lately...mostly about the sex. Because if there's one thing the boy does well, it's sex. And, well, sex is something that has been pretty non-existent for me for awhile.

See, the one thing I know about China is that with one text I can get that itch scratched. I just don't because I don't want to end up in the same situation we were in before. Everyone I know knows this and every single one of them becomes a cock blocker when he makes an appearance...even the beautiful daughters who tried to distract me and get me out of the bar before I saw him the last time. They even took my phone at breakfast so that I couldn't make contact with him.

You see, China is, among other things, very predictable. Here's how it plays out. I run into him at the bar, we hug and chat for awhile usually toward the end of the night, and then we say our good byes. Like clockwork I get a text from him an hour or so after closing time asking where I went. He'll say he lost me or couldn't find me and then he invites me over. It's been the pattern for well over a year. It never fails. Same scenario, different night. And every time, I ask for a raincheck.

But Thursday night, I was in a different frame of mind and thought maybe, just maybe, this would be the night I would take him up on his offer. Sure enough, after the festival, he showed up at the bar. But this time there was a problem. It was a week night and, as he reminded me, some people still have to work during the summer. I just happen to be one of the exceptions to that rule. Well, that and the fact that he had drank so much he couldn't find his way out of the bar. We all know how that would have worked out.

But I thought, "It's all good. Saturday's coming." And, sure enough, he appeared at the very first bar we went to Saturday night. Not only did he appear, he was very, very friendly. So much so that when we left to go to the club, there were kisses and promises of a text. I was pretty sure I was taking a trip to China!

Right up until the text came and I realized it was just not something I wanted. If you've read 40s Singleness any amount of time at all, you know that sex for the sake of sex is just not something I normally do...no matter how long it's been. Because, in the words of Gil Grissom (Yes, I'm a CSI nerd), sex without the emotional connection is just pointless. It makes you sad.

Do Women Want a Man Like Daddy?

2008-06-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with Kira about guys. It was one of those conversations when dating frustrations were flaring up. One of us made that typical statement about not understanding men. The other responded with the just as typical, "Men are so confusing." Then she added, "Except Papa." Ah my dad. A prince among men. Of course, I'm biased but I think he very well may be the most incredible man I know. And yet, when I think about dating and men, do I want a man like my daddy?

I heard on the radio the other day that only 18% of women say they want to find a man like their dads. An interesting statistic I thought and it gave me cause to think about it even more. When I think about women wanting to be a man like daddy, my mind automatically goes to personality traits and character. Yet, in doing some research, I found that apparently it's more about a man physically resembling dad. Does anyone else find that strange and creepy?

My dad is a wonderful man. He's kind and caring. He's honest and true. Patient and strong. When I think about the kind of man I want to spend my life with, I realize that those are qualities that I want in a partner. Yet, my dad lets my mom run the show. Now I realize that with her there's not a lot of choice in that. It's the path of least resistance and all, but damn I'll swear there are times when he speaks, that he is simply echoing her thoughts.

And so, that being said, there are some things about him that I would love in a partner; others that I wouldn't. And I damn sure don't want someone who physically resembles him. Don't get me wrong, he's a damn good looking man. It's not that at all. It's just, well, the thought of having sex with a man who looks like my dad kind of creeps me out.

Yet the research showed that women who had a good father-daughter relationship, chose men who resembled their fathers physically. Am I the only who finds this disturbing?

A Shot at Love Spoiler?

2008-06-14T07:42:00.001-05:00

In an interview at the Hollywood Premiere of The Love Guru, Tila Tequila claims responsibility for the lift of the gay marriage ban saying that she believes A Shot at Love was at least partially responsible for the Supreme Court's decision because of the success of the MTV series. Not only that though, she may very well have spoiled the outcome of this season's A Shot at Love 2.

Not that she gave away who she chose of the three finalists left: Bo, Brittany, and Kristy. What she did tell US Weekly was that she might go to Africa this summer, where “maybe I will fall in love.”

Good Lord Tila. I mean I know it's reality TV and all, but she could at least give the illusion that things worked out for her before the finale airs don't you think?

Oh, and in case you missed Tila's trip home to meet the families, check out the video of Tila's trip to Jersey. Why would anyone take this girl home to meet their parents?

(Source)