If You Ask Me

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 5}: Courtney bares all, including her dark, empty soul.

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:56:00 +0000

Is this Week 5? Or 38? I'm not sure. You know halfway through every season, I lose track of how long we've been at this and wish I could just fast-forward to the hometown dates. But, no such luck. This week, we're in Vieques, Puerto Rico. As always, it's amazing and gorgeous and a perfect place to fall in love. You know, for all this show talks about risk-taking and stressful situations building love, you'd think they'd drop 'em off in Compton and be like "Here's your stress! If you get out alive, you'll have found love and we'll reward you with an after-party."

Anyway, Puerto Rico. The girls ooh and aah at the scenery and the hotel. Ben talks about love and hoping to go deeper in the relationships. Me, the husband, and Tristan the 9th grade boy in my head all shouted "YEAH YOU ARE!!"

Chris Harrison arrives, looking as Chris Harrison as ever...

He spends an inordinate amount of time - again - explaining how the dates work and how you may not get a rose, so you have to have your bags packed. Because if you don't get a rose, you will go home immediately. Roses = stay. No rose = no stay. So make the most of your time with Ben. Because time is limited. And should be made the most of, lest you not get a rose and have to go home. I mean, seriously, are these girls dumber than the average lot on this show? Maybe he should bring in a dry erase board next week.

After Professor Harrison finishes his lecture about roses, the first date card goes to Nicki.

Encontremos un nuevo amor en el viejo San Juan

I would like to point out that I correctly translated this as she was reading it. Because I'm awesome. Or, more likely, I took 4 years of high school Spanish and 14 hours in college and I shouldn't have had to think what "encontremos" meant for as long as I did. But, the important this is that I translated it before Emily did. And that no one had to whisper to me what it meant. Oh, what does it mean? "Let's find a new love in old San Juan." Whoo hooo.

Emily's ability to speak Spanish (or repeat what she's told) makes Courtney mad. Because Courtney es loca. She declares that Emily is still on her (bleep) list... and "You better check yourself, (bleep)." See, my Compton idea isn't sounding so dumb now, is it?! Oh, and did I mention Court was wearing a shirt that said Be Nice the whole time she was cursing and threatening?

Ben arrives to pick Nicki up for their date. They board a helicóptero and fly off for some sight seeing and helmet talking. They hold hands. The camera zooms in. I suppose this was done for the purpose of showing us how badly they both need a manicure. I mean, I'm currently between Shellacs and my nails look a little shoddy too, but I'm not on national TV. Nor am I twelve. Which is why my next manicure will not be lemon yellow.

Alas, they do not head immediately to a salon to address their nasty phalanges. Instead, they get snow cones. Or whatever the San Juan-ian version of snow cones is. Then it starts to pour. Ben and Nicki make a run for it. Only, they stop in a doorway, which provides no shelter from the rain that I can see. But, whatever. Let's make out!

After they finish swapping spit and rain water, Ben tells us that he likes that Nicki wasn't upset by the downpour. He find is super attractive she can roll with the punches. Super duper. He also says it was "raining gatos". Um, just gatos? No perros? I'm going to start saying that when it's a medium torrential rain. "It's raining cats." Then, when it's a full-fledged monsoon, I'll say "...and now dogs."

Because they are soaked - or because it was pre-planned - they decide to go shopping for authentic Puerto Rican clothes. Ben says he wants a head to to white outfit to enhance his Latin swagger. Yes, he said "swagger". And "Sí, señor". Go on... hit your head against the wall. I'll wait.

Concluding they look sufficiently absurd, they head back out onto the streets. Wow. Seeing Ben dressed like a Puerto Rican pimp probably didn't help with convincing the locals they were NOT filming a porno. Because the locals really thought this show was porn. Which, as you'll see later on, is becoming harder and harder to argue with.

As luck would have it, they stumble upon a wedding. And, as luck would further have it, there is a bench directly across from the church and the doors to the church are open. This weirds Ben out ever so slightly because, as he eloquently notes, Nicki was married before. Now she's divorced. Anyway, he says he wants a big wedding. Then he says "Being engaged is very different from being married". Read: When I dump / get dumped by the girl I choose 3 months after we film this, I can be like "What? I said being engaged was very different." Nicki replies that she wants to live with someone before she married them... because she didn't do that before.

At dinner, the divorce talk continues. Ben wants to know what went wrong and if they tried therapy. Read: If I pick you and then realize you're a weirdo, are you going to just let me go or are you going to make me sit through sessions with a shrink? Don't get me wrong... I think marriage counseling is a great idea if you're struggling. I just can't imagine most of the people on this show share my opinions about commitment and hard work. Nicki says yeah, they did a little therapy but it didn't matter. She had already lost trust. "You know, not over adultery or anything, just stuff." Oh, well, in that case...

Ben seems unfazed. Mostly because it's not like he actually plans on marrying Nicki. He says she was young and obviously she learned a lot... then he gives her the rose and they kiss some more.

Next up, the group date.

The date card said something about diamonds. I don't recall what, exactly, because we already knew from last week's previews that it was baseball-related, but Emily didn't have the benefit of seeing the previews, so she was a little disappointed to find herself at Roberto Clemente stadium. (Not to be confused with Bachelorette alum Roberto Martinez. He played baseball, but doesn't have a stadium in Puerto Rico named after him. That I know of.)

After the initial bummer wears off, Emily says she's okay with baseball because she's able to shine during athletic events. And Blakeley is pumped. Incredibly sunburnt, but pumped. She says she is "Super athletic and super competitive." Super!

First, the girls run drills with some coaches from the Gigantes... which is pronounced "He-GAN-taze", for those of you who don't habla. Then the game begins. Jennifer catches a ball. Ben declares that she's the best baseball player he's ever seen. Yeah, she's a real Ryne Sandberg, let me tell ya. That's right, Ryne Sandberg. I'm an old-school Cubs girl and Ryno is my go-to guy for baseball references. Take that, Derek Jeter or someone else who is currently relevant and also apparently not as good as Jennifer.

Suddenly, Chris Harrison appears. In the middle of a date. I assume there has been some sort of tragedy. You know, like, "Ladies, one of Blakeley's Gigantes escaped her sports bra during the training session and she's currently being treated for a massive concussion." But no...

Instead, he's there to say that only the winning team will get to go to the after-party tonight. He then says since 9 women are on the date, one girl will have to play for both teams. Both teams?! Looks like Benny Boy got rid of Monica a week too soon! Ben decides Lindzi will be the both teamer. Chris calls Courtney and Blakeley up as captains and begins the rest of the team choosing. The Red Team consists of Courtney, KCB, Casey S., and Jamie. Blakeley's Blue Team has Emily, Jennifer, and Rachel.

The girls, believe it or not, aren't terrible. I say that only because I like watching baseball but I am the worst baseball / softball player in the world. No, seriously. People who have been dead for 25 years are still better than me. I can't bat well, I can't catch or throw, running results in me either falling down or passing out, and I'm generally afraid of the ball. So, anyone who can catch seems decent by comparison. The game is neck and neck. Blakeley is doing surprisingly well. So much so that Courtney comments "Blakeley is like a champion out there. Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

Supposedly, it was to be two innings. It went five. Because it was tied. Except, NO IT WASN'T!!! The Red Team was declared the winner. Except, NO THEY WEREN'T!!!

Props to Laura for making sure I noticed the scoreboard

I mean, seriously! The Blue Team was up 7-6 at the bottom of the 3rd. Since it was supposed to be a 2 inning game, how did they not win at the end of the first extra inning?! I mean, it's almost like this was STAGED!! Maybe even so Courtney's team could win?! No, surely they wouldn't do something like that...

The Blue Team throws a fit in the dugout. For once, I don't mind the fit throwing. I do mind Blakeley fussing that she busted her (bleep) out there because she thought the other girls wanted to win as bad as she did. Mostly because, they DID want to win... and they did ACTUALLY win... and you all got screwed. But don't blame the other girls. I also noticed that, during Blakeley's rant, she sounded extra country. Last week, this was a topic of conversation amongst some of my friends on Facebook. They all noted that they sound more Southern the more upset or tired they are. And, even though 15 years in the South has softened my Yankee accent a bit, any excitement in my voice does make me instantly Northern-er. For example, the first 13 times I tell the dogs to stop barking, I say "Stop!" But the 14th time, I yell "STAAAAAP!!!"

Anyway, the Red Team proceeds to their party... but not before Courtney tells the camera the Blue Team better not pout. "We won fair and square!" NO YOU DIDN'T! "Rub some dirt in it. Walk it off. There's no crying in baseball." Oh my goodness. Really? All that lacked was an "If you build it, they will come". But, not having the benefit of Courtney's sportsman-like words, the Blue Team spends the bus ride home crying.

At the beach, Ben talks about what a Battle Royale the game was (you know, except for the part where the losing team "won") and how glad he is to have a smaller group for the rest of the evening. First, he talks to Lindzi a little. Then KCB. Courtney says she's the most worried about KCB because she's cute... but adds that she's 24 and a baton-twirling little girl and that Ben needs a woman.

Side note: KCB's curly hair isn't handling Puerto Rico well. In fact, it's gone completely "Monica in Barbados".

Ben doesn't notice her hair, though. They talk about his past relationships and how the girls never loved him back. (Probably because he's a giant tool who looks like a caveman. Or something.) Whatever the case, Ben likes that KCB can get him to open up, so they make out and he gives her the rose.

Courtney, of course, will not stand for this. She pulls Ben aside, cops her baby voice, and tells him how much she likes him and how she wishes they could go skinny dipping. Then she tells the camera that the other girls are very *draws a box in the air* and have no idea what she's capable of. Which is, what? Miming?

Before Courtney can pursuade Ben to strip down, the date ends.

For his final date, he takes Elyse to "find love somewhere private". They end up on a yacht. He then tells us that "Elyse and I's relationship is moving slowly." I want to push him off the yacht. "I's"?!?! Well, at least his English is as awful as his Spanish. He goes on to say that when he was on The Bachelorette with Ashley, their relationship took a turn on their boat date, so maybe...

First, they talk about life. What they should be discussing is how Elyse looks like a Kardashian... she's wearing giant gold hoop earrings, an animal print bikini and some sort of one-shouldered drape dress / cover up thing. Ugh. But no, just about life. She says she's accomplished everything she had hoped to. Ben is all "What?" She says "You know, I got my undergrad, got my Master's, have a job I love..." then goes on to say that she is ready to settle down and that she put everything on the line to be here. "I left my job..."

So, wait, she loves her job or she doesn't have a job? Or maybe she loves not having a job? I guess her Master's degree isn't in making sense... or in being a good friend. Because, as if quitting a job to be on a reality TV dating show wasn't bad enough, she skipped being in her best friend's wedding also.

Her Master's is also apparently not in body language. Despite the fact that Ben is clearly bored and a little weirded out by her, she says "Let's just screw everyone else and get married right here." Ben, instead, says "Let's jump off the boat!" YES!!! Finally... oh, wait, never mind... they plan to land safely in the water. Oh well...

Next, they head to dinner on a beach. Elyse is in a one-shouldered white gown. Don't worry, it's the opposite shoulder as her Kardashian dress earlier. And it's way too formal for a beach, but luckily, Ben is wearing a tux. So that makes it less weird. Or not. More like as weird as when Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly wore tuxes to a job interview in Step Brothers.

Ben says he's concerned about Elyse saying she's accomplished everything she wanted to do. She says "As a single girl. I'm ready to move onto experiences and making memories with someone." Then she adds "I'm sick of being single."

Ben immediately freaks out.

"Sick of being single?!"

She says "I mean I'm ready for the next step." Ben continues looking like someone just told him Santa wasn't real. Or that he wasn't as cool as he thinks he is.

Explain the problem to me. Because, as I see it, she didn't say anything particularly bizarre. I'm not sure how old she is, but if she has a Master's, she probably at least 24. That seems like an okay point in time to begin looking for someone to have a long-term relationship with. And, while "sick of being single" might not be the most eloquent way to phrase it, why is this so off-putting to Ben? He's the lead "character" in a show that ostensibly serves to find a spouse for someone who is "sick of being single". I guess when he says "tired of being alone" or whatever, that's completely different. Anyway, that just annoyed me. Not that I think Elyse is a great catch or anything, but she doesn't seem any more or less desperate than anyone else on the show.

I do, however, find her accent to be annoying. She's from Chicago... which is my favorite city in America and only a couple of hours from where I grew up. She sounds much like all my friends who still live up there. They don't annoy me. But, she sounds exactly like what I was trying to explain to you about my accent when I get mad. So, I feel like I'm listening to Mad Me when she talks. Anyway, it makes sense in my head.

Ben can't seem to get past her sickness of singlehood, so he cruelly picks up the rose and begins spinning it in his fingers. All while saying "unfortunately" at least 4 times and then saying he just doesn't feel a connection and can't give her the rose.

He walks her to a boat. She is crying and wondering what she did wrong. He says nothing, just that he feels stronger for other girls. "This Year's Love" plays AGAIN and we're treated to an extraordinarily long good-bye scene with her crying in the boat and Ben walking on the beach, carrying the rose. Seriously, long. Several minutes. I have no idea why.

Back at the house, the girls discuss the full moon and how something crazy is in the air. Really, it's just that they are upwind from Courtney.

A guy comes in and takes Elyse's suitcase away, signifying she did not get a rose and alerting the girls to begin freaking out. Except for Courtney, who simply says "I bet she drank too much on the date and the Jersey Shore came out." Too far, Courtney! Too far!! Elyse is from CHICAGO! If you wanted to be clever, you should have said the LAKE shore came out. And then you should jump in the lake. And also, when have we EVER seen you without a glass of wine in your hand?!

Y'all, seriously. Every week I tell myself that I watch this show just for snarkiness reasons and that we only see what they want us to see and blah blah blah... and every week, I find myself wanted to reach through the TV and punch Courtney in her stupid overbite. I have spent a considerable amount of time lately trying to perfect pyrokinesis. I'm pretty close. And I've only got one person on my list ahead of Courtney.

Anyway, she continues saying things like "Another one bites the dust" and "It really blew my panties off that he sent her home..." Have another glass of wine, sweetie. You don't sound trashy enough yet.

Then, before the other girls can murder her (not that any jury would convict them), Courtney disappears. She tells us she has something planned.

Next, we see her just happen to be outside Ben's door at the exact moment he shows up. I'll save my speech about how this was obviously scripted. Anyway, she tells Ben she knew he'd had a long night. She says she has lotion in her pocket if he wants a massage. And, of course, she has a bottle of wine and two glasses.

They sit on the couch and talk. She flashes him what's under her robe. I'm so not kidding. She eventually talks him into skinny dipping. At first, he acts like he thinks it's a bad idea... but, come on. Like he wasn't going to do it. However, just for added classiness, Courtney adds "Have you ever skinny dipped with a model before?" Read: I am a model. I point that out in case someone watching wants to book me. I don't give a crap about Ben or this show or this "journey to find love", but I will do anything to become famous. And also, I'm a skank. Have your people call my people.

Next, she throws around words like "frisky" and "rock your world". We see them strip down and have their essential bits blurred out. And, in case you were wondering if Courtney really was obscenely thin and had the chest of a 15 year old boy, please note that it took barely any blurring. Not that being small chested is a bad thing (I personally think it's awesome), but being naked on TV, well, that's another story...

In a cheesy, pieced-together voice over, Court rambles on about how the other girls will hate her when they find out... but she has enough friends, so whatever. Either way, she feels like she's winning. Making it the 5th consecutive episode in which Courtney has referenced winning. Yeah, she totally doesn't view this as a competition...

Luckily, before we watch have to see too much of them making babies in the water, the scene ends. But not before I remember why I don't swim in the ocean. Eeeww.

Fast forward to the Cocktail Party. Ben tells us he and Courtney shared an intimate moment (eeew!) but now he's feeling crappy. (Guess the water was cold and things didn't go well?) He says he has other women here and wants to explore relationships with them too. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. He's feeling crappy because the naked model distracted him from his real goal: fornicating with as many women as possible, not just one. He says his goal is to stay open. ~~I assume, based on the goal I just mentioned, he hopes the other women feel the same way.~~

First, he and Jennifer talk. She thanks him for the lovely date in Park City last week. He uses the word "rad" three times. THREE TIMES!

Next, Blakeley gives an emotional performance and tells him how she writes down one thing every day that she loves about him and that being here has made her realize she's worthy of being loved by a good man. Or some such nonsense. They kiss.

Meanwhile, Courtney tells us that Ben doesn't look at the other girls like he looks at her. Um, maybe that's because they aren't NAKED!! And, speaking of naked, the girls have started what I can only assume was a completely random conversation about skinny dipping. Courtney alludes to the previous night's adventure but doesn't say it outright. Yet, somehow I imagine it will come up again later.

While the girls discuss nudity, Emily and Ben discuss other things. Namely, how she wants to apologize for last week and getting caught up in Courtney drama. She says she just wants to focus on Ben. Yet, somehow she gets off on a tangent about how evil Courtney is. She even calls her a weirdo. And, while I wholeheartedly agree, I don't understand Emily's M.O. here. Nor does Ben. Once again, he all but shanks her for speaking ill of his beloved model who is unencumbered by clothing and morals.

"Drop it. Tread lightly. Be careful". That's what he said. For real. I like to think he also said "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes." Okay, really, I just like to work that into conversation. Mostly because David named his puppy Luca Brasi and, because he is the world's naughtiest dog (yes, people of Facebook and Twitter, I'm talking about Puppymonster), I often threaten to make him sleep with the fishes. But I won't. As much as I carry on about not liking the dog, he's a snuggler. None of our other beasts will snuggle with me. So, Luca lives to destroy things another day. Emily, however, might not...

Emily goes back to the party, blubbering the whole way about how dumb she is and how Ben hates her. Which is probably true. Nevertheless, Emily just can't understand why he would like someone as "shallow and vapid" as Courtney. Of course, Emily doesn't know about the nakedness, so...

At long last, the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison comes out, looking positively exhausted from having to be on camera three times this week. He tells us Ben told him this was the most pivotal week thus far. (Duh. He saw a girl's boobies and hoo-hoo.)

Ben begins his speech about how tough it is and blah blah blah. Then he begins handing out the roses and I begin my weekly adventure in psychicness.

Nicki and KCB already are safe

Lindzi: This week you proved you'd play for both teams if I asked you to. So, I'm thinking me, you, and Courtney... oh, never mind....
Jamie: I have a bet going with one of the producers about how long I can justify keeping you despite having spent no time with you or even really heard you speak.
Rachel: I'm keeping you around so I can bum cigarettes off of you after my next rendezvous with Courtney
Courtney: Mmmm... naked...
Casey S: People are going to get tired of only Courtney drama, so I'm going to keep you around another week, you know, on the off-chance something pops up...
Blakeley: That was some nice crap you said about love earlier or whatever. I wasn't really listening. Mostly I just think since I've seen what Courtney has to offer, I should see you topless next and compare. Just to be sure which end of the spectrum I like better.

Chris Harrison: Ladies, this is the final rose. Will it be Jennifer with her magenta hair and apparently good kissing skills? Or Emily, with her pot-stirring? Hmmm...

Emily: I'm bringing you to Panama next week... because if you say something bad about Courtney and I off you, I can probably blame it on a drug deal or something. Oh, that's Columbia? Whatever...

Ben walks Jennifer out. She tells him she hopes he finds happiness. To preserve a little dignity, she waits until he is gone to ugly cry. But then, she makes an Olympic sport of ugly crying. Like Elyse, she wonders what she did wrong. Well, um, you agreed to be on The Bachelor...

Ben wastes no more time thinking about Jennifer and rushes back to inform the women that they are going to Panama City, Panama next week.

Then, we get previews for the rest of the season. If you wanted to invest about 3 seconds of time, you could easily figure out who the final girls are. Along with this, some of you have mentioned that more of the dates are out in public this season. And, did you notice that one of the "If you'd like to date the next Bachelorette" promos said "... next Bachelorette, Emily Maynard..." My thoughts on all this? Well, Reality Steve, of course. He's getting information earlier and earlier every season. Even though he's had a few details change here and there, he's generally right. He's got a big following and plenty of other magazines print his information well in advance of "official" announcements from ABC anyway. So, why not, right? Obviously having the spoilers doesn't keep people from watching. In fact, it just gives them more to talk about. At this point, he's going to get the info anyway, so I think it's becoming an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thing. Anyway, that's my 2 cents on why they don't seem to be keeping as tight of wraps on things lately.

And, spoilers or not, admit it... you're sticking around partly because you want to see just how awful Courtney can be. For the first time maybe ever, I actually can't wait for the Women Tell All episode and the After The Final Rose. I really think someone will get shot.

Speaking of shot, I might need one. Of the steroid variety. This weather is killing me. Want proof? Listen to how completely stuffed up and Rachel the Smoker-like I sound on my radio recap this week HERE.

{VLOG} Book reviews + insanity

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:03:00 +0000

I've talked about my friend Savannah many times on this ol' blog. Today, however, you're in for a treat. You get to watch me impersonate her! Because that's what kind of a friend I am.

Okay, some context would probably be nice, huh? Savannah loves books. I mean LOOOOOVES books. In my whole life, I've never seen anyone get so excited about books. I mean, I like books. I read a lot. But I'm not exactly a literary scholar. I pretty much stick to Harry Potter and chick lit. In fact, the only thing that has broadened my reading horizons at all is that Savannah kidnaps me and takes me to Book Club once a month.

Then, inevitably, as we drive home from Book Club, she will tell me about the other books she's been reading. Only, in her excitement, sometimes the reviews become a little hard to follow.

Savannah... books... giant puffy heart. Got it?

Anyway, I've threatened to film myself explaining a book in Savannah fashion so she can see what she does. She kept calling my bluff and double-dog daring me stuff. So, guess what...

(For the record... I've already shown this to her and made sure it was okay if I posted it. Because I'm a weirdo, but not a jerk. She said it was fine as long as I clarified that she actually can pronounce "hallucinations" and that she is not a ditz. Which she isn't. If I portrayed ditziness, it's just my acting skills - or lack thereof. Assume any ditziness was actually excitement.)

Also, for the record... I completely made up everything in this review. If it bears any resemblance to a book you're writing or a book that's already been written, it's purely coincidence. And also, wow. What a weird book.

And, also, a little more for the record... my bangs don't actually look puffy in real life. I hope. Apparently my hair looks very 1993 today.

Okay, I swear, this is the last thing for the record... Savannah, you know I love you!!!

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 4} I'm a nice person. Don't &$%* with me.

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:29:00 +0000

Week 4 of Ben's ~~snoozefest~~ journey to find ~~fame~~ love. This week, we're headed to Park City, UT. Because all these girls seem so outdoorsy.

Also noteworthy this week is that my husband watched a good portion of the show. He'll deny it if you ask him, but he did. In fact, he has a second job where he sets his own hours. Normally, he works Monday nights. So, the last couple of weeks he's said he wasn't going to work Mondays. I've said "You know I'll be watching The Bachelor, right?" He's like "Yeah, that's fine." Then, last night, I had the office chair in the living room (you know, for my insanely cool note and picture taking extravaganza). He had mentioned playing a game on the computer. I said "Oh, I can move the recliner and let you have the office chair." He said no, he thought maybe he'd just sit in the recliner and "relax" for a little bit. Yeah, relax. Okay. We'll go with that. Luckily, though, there was no need for commentary from Tristan -the inappropriate teenage boy in my head - because David pretty much said everything Tristan would have thought.

The David / Tristan comments started with the opening scene, when Ben gallivanted in on a horse. "What is he? He's not a douchenozzle, but he's something..." I said "A tool?" David said "Yes! He is definitely a tool!"

While Ben and his trusty steed gallop around, the girls arrive in Park City. Cheesy FlipCam videos and whoo-hooing at the hotel suite ensue. KCB tells us that Park City is the perfect place to fall in love. I don't understand this. I mean, sure, some places are more conducive to romance than others, but the only thing you should fall in love with in Park City is Park City. If you are going to fall in love with a person, it should be because of traits they possess no matter where they are located at the time. Of course, these women don't seem to have the firmest grasp on actual, healthy relationships anyway, so let's move on...

Chris Harrison greets the women to tell them the same thing he always tells them. 2 one-on-one dates, a group date, roses, blah blah, make the most of your time with Ben, blah... All I could focus on was that he had a popped collar. Bad enough in a polo shirt but he was wearing a pullover sweater. Seriously, what look is he going for? Preppy Vampire Chic?

The first one-on-one goes to Rachel. Ben describes her as "super mellow". Oh good, that word is back. Super. They take a helicopter to a river or a lake or some kind of body of water. Then they board a rickety-looking canoe with the name Jupiter painted terribly on the side. If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and see how poorly the word "Recycle" is painted on one of our trash bins, you'll have an idea of how bad the writing on the canoe was. (PS: If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and I know you, stop by and say hi. If you just happen to be reading this and drive by, stop by and say hi and let me get the correct spelling of your name for the restraining order.) Anyway - Jupiter in horrible paint. If I remember my Roman mythology correctly, the king of the gods was probably none too happy about this. I'm surprised he didn't have Neptune cause a giant wave to come topple their stupid little canoe. Wow - so apparently that really bothered me. It's just that if you can hire somewhat famous musicians to give private concerts and charter helicopters on a whim, perhaps you could spring for a $3 set of stencils to put the name on the side of the boat. Good job, Art Department.

Anywaaaaay, the date was awkward. First, there were bugs all over the lake (maybe Neptune did that?) I live in Arkansas. I'm no stranger to bugs. But this was insane.

And there were lots more were these came from. BUGS! EVERYWHERE!! (Oh, if you don't get the speech bubble, Google "Snakes on a Plane TV edit". It's a hilarious replacement of the MF bomb.)

The date remains awkward after the bug cruise. They have a picnic. She tells Ben she likes his wink. He says "Oh, uh, I was squinting." They talk about the sun and the weather. Long silence. More silence. Then he looks across the way and says "That's a beaver dam."

Cue hysterical laughter from my husband. "This is exactly like when Ross tried to kiss his cousin, then he was convinced anything he said would be better than silence... but he was wrong." Yep, that's pretty accurate. "That's a beaver dam" is right on par with ol' Ross...

After the picnic, they go to some sort of yurt. (It's a real thing; I'm not making that up.YURT.) Ben says "I constructed this today." Rachel says "Oh, did you?" I can't tell if she's kidding or not.

They stumble through dinner. Rachel says "It's something I struggle with, like in my past relationships. I struggle with it." Ben: "With WHAT?" Rachel: "Communication." Um, yeah, I'd say that is the overbiter's understatement of the century.

For whatever reason, Ben must like blathering idiots, because he gives her the rose and they head outside to a fire to make S'mores. Though, all I saw them eat were toasted marshmallows. Very different than S'mores. Don't get me started.

Okay, time for the group date. Courtney is on the group date, so of course she made a big deal about it when the date card came. You know, her usual crap. Gah. I seriously can't stand this woman. As a general rule, I can separate fact from fiction and reality from reality TV. I understand bad edits and acting and playing a role and blah blah blah. But bravo to whomever crafted Courtney into a totally unlikeable (bleep). I'm 100% on board with it. She's my least favorite contestant ever. Which, of course, reinforces my belief that she'll win.

Ben rides in on a horse again. Or, more likely, not again... just the same horse from the opening scene. He says he wants the girls to see how country he is. Oh, country? Okay. That must be why he looked absolutely terrified on the horse. And why he described horseback riding as rad. Yes, rad. Let me just tell you... I live in the country. Well, I live in the city limits... but in a town of 4,000 people in Arkansas... and a deer carcass hangs on a wall in my house. Compared to most other places, it's the country. And there are some really, really country folks here. I'm talking, belt buckles bigger than a plate, big ol' dip in their lip, actual spurs on their boots country. Then there are the no teeth, camo overalls, trucker hat country folks. And not once have I every heard any of them say "rad". Not. Once. I've heard them say "I'm as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine"- whatever that means - but not rad.

The girls ride up to a stream, where fly fishing gear is spread out. You know who might be country? Nicki. She immediately squeals "Waders!!" Everyone dons their waders and boots, grabs a fly rod, and heads out into the stream. Ben begins giving fly fishing lessons. Oh, how else do you know I live in the country? On our honeymoon - our 48 hour honeymoon - we went to Big Cedar Lodge in Missouri. We spent one day at their nature park, Dogwood Canyon. Guess what we did. Um, learned how to fly fish. Guess who doesn't know how to fly fish. Ben. Guess who doesn't give a crap. Courtney.

First, Ben spends some time with KCB. The whole episode has featured her being the whiny, insecure girl. She was a little better during the time they were talking / fishing... but not really. Whiny, whiny, whiny.

Next, Courtney informs us that catching a fish can't be much harder than catching a man, and she's done that before. Both are about knowing when to make your move. Wait, I thought she had soooo much trouble getting dates that she decided to come on this show. Also, her hat is dumb.

Ben disagrees with me. Obviously, because I'm awesome and he's Ben. He and Courtney head upstream. She says he "took the bait" and "is a good catch". Ugh. He "helps her" with the fly fishing. She comments that the rod is a good length for her. Yeah, no one giggled at that, did they? Ben also comments that mustard is his favorite condiment. In her annoying Ben voice, Courtney replies "Mine too!" Seriously. Actual hatred.

The other girls notice the air is not filled with Courtney's angst and awfulness, so they begin to wonder where she is. Lindzi wanders upstream and finds them. Before she can interrupt, Courtney catches a fish. Or, more likely, someone took a fish out of a bucket and attached it to the end of her line. She and Ben act like this really excites them. Ben makes her kiss the fish.

After the fishing, they go - of course - to an after-party. This time at the Waldorf Astoria. Courtney informs us that she is getting the rose tonight. "It's bound to happen." GAG.

First, Ben talks with Casey S. 4 episodes in and I know nothing about her. Well, she's blonde. So I know one thing about her. They talk about past relationships. Snooze.

The other girls attempt a toast to "no interrupting each other's time with Ben", but Nicki declines. She does so politely, though. She then interrupts Casey S. and Ben. She and Ben then talk about living in the moment and how her boss died recently. And Ben's friend. Oddly, he doesn't mention his dad. They kiss. Because nothing says "Let's make out" like dead loved ones.

Samantha barges in and wants to talk to Ben about why she's been on 3 group dates and no one-on-ones. Okay, here's where the Reality Steve news kicks in. Last week, I got my blondes confused and thought Brittney was the one who left because she developed feelings for a married producer on the show. I corrected it a few hours after I posted last week's recap, but if you missed it, it wasn't Brittney, it was Samantha. So, rest assured this whole conversation was staged. And dumb. He says her behavior on the group dates didn't show him anything to make him want to spend one-on-one time with her. She protests. Whatever. Ben gets to save a little face and say he thinks they should just part ways immediately. Fine. As far as what I think about Samantha's antics... just go read what I wrote last week and replace "Brittney" with "Samantha".

And yeah, yeah, I know Samantha said she had crazy feelings for "this guy", but maybe she didn't mean Ben, huh? Either way, she leaves on the group date and no one seems to broken up about it. Ben helps her load up her bags. Weird, right? Then Samantha musters some tears in the car.

Courtney, on the other hand, is overjoyed. She's glad Ben is sending girls home and feels like he's making decisions for the both of them. She didn't like Samantha and found her abrasive. "Hello, Pot... this is the Kettle. You're black."

Obviously not the least bit upset about Samantha's departure, Ben finds Whiny KCB and takes her up to his room. Bow-chicka-oh, never mind... just her whining some more. And then saying she's fine. And Ben reassuring her. And then kissing. And Ben, once again, saying she's trouble in a good way.

Finally, we see Ben and Courtney wrapped in towels -so obviously they / everyone had some time in the hot tub at one point. Courtney proves that she's actually there to pursue an acting career by giving a fairly convincing (to Ben) performance of a new play called Insecurity. Courtney, the girl who spends all her time telling the other girls how much better she is than them, runs some lines about how hard it is and the other girls and blah blah blah. I think her overbite got worse since last week. Oh, she also says she's nervous because there are some really great girls here. This conflicts with her usual statements about how the other girls are just temporary inconveniences and she is cuter and smarter and whatever-er than all of them.

Ben buys it, of course. He returns with the rose. He tells her he had planned to give it to someone else tonight, but that he doesn't want her to feel the least bit insecure, so he gives it to her. She smells it. Again. In case the scent of rose has dramatically changed in the last three weeks of her smelling every rose. PS: Ben has backne.

Then, to the camera, she says "Winning" again, Charlie Sheen style. Twice. I support free speech, but I think anyone who says "Winning" repeatedly should at least be investigated for something. Crimes against humanity, maybe. Or just punched in the face.

For the last date this week, Ben and Jennifer go on a one-on-one. Her magenta hair is fading a little, so that's good. But it's still magenta. Otherwise, I don't have a lot to say about her. She seems nice enough and not in your face. Or, in Ben's words, "easy going, good kisser, outdoorsy, and from a good family". No, I don't know how he knows about her family.

First, they climb a fence clearly marked No Trespassing. Ooooh, outlaws!

Next, they find a rusty cage covering a wide open pit. Hey, I know! Let's uncover it! Apparently Ben isn't just an expert in wine, fly fishing, horseback riding, and whatever else he's pretending to know this season, he's also an adventurous rappeller. He tells her they are going to put on a rappelling harness, climb down a little ways, then unhook themselves and fall into the water below. You know, I would probably do this... but not with Ben. I like a good adrenaline rush. And if the Park City Certified Fall Into a Cave Rappelling Society wants to rig me up for this, okay. But Ben? Pass. Seriously, this was a ridiculous scene. At least show the professionals helping.

Jennifer, naturally, is scared of heights. But not dying, apparently. She harnesses up. Both speak in overused metaphors about risk taking building relationships and trust and crap. They begin their descent.

They dangle precariously for a few minutes. I guess this is why Ben uses the phrase "See if she can hang" so much. They count to three and unhook, crashing into the water below. Then they swim around for a bit. I assume they made out. I can't recall.

Next, we see them riding a ski lift to a lodge, then having dinner. They talk about their past relationships. Of course. You know, wouldn't it be easier if everyone just wore a shirt on the first few dates with how many serious relationships they've been in, why the last one ended, ~~what STD's they've been treated for,~~ etc.? Anyway, Jennifer walked away from a 4 1/2 year relationship because the guy didn't want to marry her.

Ben next asks about her lifestyle... she's an 8 to 5, structured kind of girl (an accountant). Can she handle Ben's unpredictable ~~public appearances and general blowing off of his winery duties to promote himself schedule~~ wine maker schedule? She says yes. I wonder if Ben is thinking "You know, I don't want to marry this chick... but I bet she'd do a bang up job taking care of our books! I should hire her when this is over."

It starts raining. Jennifer thinks this is super romantic.

Back at the hotel, the girls can't help but notice the rain too. Somehow, this leads to talk about Jennifer. Courtney says she seems really normal. When I say someone seems really normal, I mean it as a compliment. Courtney, not so much. Ugh. Normal is the worst. Guys totally dig insane, mean, awful women. Okay, Ben actually does seem to... but I think we can agree Ben is not normal. Naturally, other girls are off talking about Courtney. And getting their hair done.

And drinking. And getting emotional. It was at this point that the chemicals soaked into Emily's brain and she decides to tell Ben how Courtney is different around them than around him. To quote her, she doesn't want Ben to "fall for the vegan, raw, doe-eyed model who doesn't know which way is up thing". Wait, Courtney is a vegan / raw foodist? That makes sense in that she's a Hollywood type, but she was quite excited about the puncturing the lip of a fish... so I'm guessing if she's a vegan it's for skinniness reasons and not animal welfare reasons. Especially considering the way she couldn't wait to ship Ben's dog off on their date in the forest. Ugh.

(PS: I just noticed that Blakeley appears to be using a toothbrush to do Emily's highlights. So you got bleach and foil and gloves, but no brush? Weird. Unless that's Courtney's toothbrush. In which case, carry on!)

Okay, back to the date. Ben runs through the run to get Jennifer a rose. Only, after his speech about running in the rain, he found out it was no longer raining. Ooops. Anyway, she gets the rose and they head off for one more adventure.

A Clay Walker concert! Whoo hoo! Because Ben is so country! Mostly I noticed that they are either standing on a platform or everyone is seated and they are standing or something because they are taller than everyone else at the show.

They work their way down front and begin dancing. Ben is singing along. Jennifer is holding the rose. It's all very ~~nauseating~~ romantic. Jennifer talks about "Ben and I" incorrectly a few times. Then she says she can't believe Ben put all this together for her. Yeah, because Ben and Clay Walker go way back. Remember when I said I didn't have much negative to say about Jennifer? Cancel that.

At long last, the Cocktail Party.

Right off the bat, Emily says to Ben "One girl here is different around you than the rest of the girls". Want to guess what I keyed in on? Yep. "...rest of the girls..." So Ben is one of the girls? Well, given his hair and the handwriting we're supposed to believe is his, that actually makes sense. Anyway, when Ben finds out it's Courtney, he stonewalls the conversation. After all, who would you believe? The PhD candidate or the model?

Ben ends by telling her that over-analyzing other people's behavior will just cause her to go crazy and, in the end, will be her demise. Did he just threated to kill her for talking bad about Courtney?!

Well, he can take a number! Casey S. and Emily start talking. Emily says that she talked to Ben about Courtney. Casey S. says "She's my best friend in the house..." Emily, rather than backtracking, keeps talking. Of course, because this is 7th grade, Casey tells Courtney. Courtney gets all fired up. Wait, why? I thought she didn't care about these girls and she was soooo confident.

She is particularly hung up on the fact that Emily said she was mean. Mean?! Not Courtney! Courtney responds by telling us: "I'm a nice person. Don't eff with me. I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. I don't start fights, I finish them. She should watch herself." Yeah, now that I think about it, she sounds exactly like Mother Teresa. Nice people always threaten verbal and physical violence.

While this is happening, Ben and Nicki are outside catching snowflakes on their tongue. Then making out. Or, wait for it.... swapping snowflakes.

Inside, KCB asks the girls how many of them have learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than the previous several years. Most of the girls raise their hands. Not Courtney. Nice Person Courtney says she feels like she's in a sorority. (Um, you kind of are.) She then insists that she knows herself really well. Then she proceeds to go off on Emily about her conversation with Ben. Emily says "Let's be adults". Courtney tells her repeatedly how stupid she looks. And Courtney should know all about looking stupid...

She also says "Winning" again. Talk about wanting to verbally assault someone and rip their head off...

Ben and Chris Harrison appear to start the Rose Ceremony. Or have a battle to see who is wearing the skinniest skinny tie. I can't wait for this fad to pass. Anyway, it reminded me of when Derek Zoolander and Hansel have a runway walk off...

Ben clearly wins the tie off and get to hand out roses.

He talks about what a monumental night it's been. The camera, I'm sure coincidentally, zooms in on Blakeley's chest. My husband makes some jokes about monuments, and even adds his own "duh-dum-chee" rimshot sound. Oh, boy. Let's just hand out these roses, okay?!

Rachel, Jennifer, and Dr. Evil already have roses.

Lindzi: I intentionally left you off the horseback riding date because I didn't want to hear you ramble on about horses anymore... but you're country, like me... so here's a rose.

Jamie: For no other reason than making it 4 episodes without any significance, I award you this flower

Nicki: You kissed me. I'm a pretty easy sell.

KCB: See above. Plus, you're whiny... which reads a little desperate. I dig that.

Elyse: Still afraid you'll beat me up.

Blakeley: We're going to Puerto Rico next week, which will involve bikinis, so naturally, I'd like you to be there.

Casey S: I don't understand the weird dress you're wearing, but Courtney says I have to keep you anyway.

And finally, the runner up to the stupidest tie of the night, comes out to tell us there's one rose remaining. Will it be Monica, who has done nothing significant except flirt with a girl the first night... or Emily, who stirs up drama. Hmmm...

Emily: Maybe we can get some more mileage out of the whole you hating Courtney thing.

Ben walks Monica out. She gives a good performance in the limo but says nothing noteworthy.

Ben returns to tell the girls they are going to Puerto Rico (where, by the way, the locals thought the Bachelor shoots were a porno. Seriously.) Dr. Evil Courtney chimes in that she was just there two months ago. Oh, well, good for you. Ben says "Um, then let's go back" or something dumb. They raise their glasses for a pointless toast. Dr. Evil comments that she can raise hers higher than everyone else. She's such a nice person. I can't wait for her and Ben to go skinny dipping next week. I'm sure that won't cause any problems.

So, that's all for this week. My radio recap can be found HERE. If you don't like it, feel free to verbally assault me and rip my head off... as long as you're a nice person.

The Mighty Morphin Sock Monster

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:26:00 +0000

Yesterday, Savannah tweeted something to the effect of having put 30+ socks in the wash, but only being able come up with 4 pairs at the end. The reason, of course is the Laundry Monster.

Source

Come on, you know you have one too. How else do you explain the number of socks that go missing our of the laundry?! Because they are such elusive creatures, I'm sure there isn't a lot of reliable scientific data on just how many Laundry Monsters exist... but I'd guess they are the most common household poltergeist-type being. You might call yours a Sock Monster like I do or something else, but -whatever you call it- you have one and you hate it, right?

At our house, however, I think it's morphed into something more ominous. For one thing, all of David's socks look the same, so I don't get appropriately worked up over a missing sock. (Sock Monsters feed off of, well, socks, of course - but also off the angst we expel over a missing sock.) For another, I don't wear socks if I can help it, so we must have been underfeeding our monster. Lack of rage and lint turned him into something worse. Now, he's not content just to steal socks. He's keyed in on a few other household items he can eat... just to annoy me.

(Note: The Laundry / Sock Monster is not responsible for moving your keys. As I understand it, he can't move things... just eat them. So if your keys went missing, maybe the monster... but if they just moved from the place you are sure you left them -which also happens to me a lot- that's a different paranormal pest. Also, the Laundry / Sock Monster is who I blame when my husband's Michigan t-shirts go missing in the laundry, but that's actually me. I take them out of the dryer and hide them. Go Irish.)

Anyway, here are the other items I've noticed the Sock Monster dining on at our house:

Ponytail holders: How many come on a pack? 24? Within a week of buying a new package, I'll only be able to find 2 or 3. How is this even possible? There are only 7 days in a week. Even if I wore my hair in a ponytail every day (which is likely) and lost the each holder, I should still have 17 left. But no... just 2 or 3. Clearly, the Sock Monster eats them. Or uses them to make sock ponytails. (You see, he eats the socks, but he's also made of socks. I just decided this.)
Bobby pins: Let's face it, unless you are an actual beauty queen, one thing of bobby pins should pretty much last a lifetime. But no. Every time I get the idea to do something requiring bobby pins, I can only find one misshapen one in the far corner of the bathroom drawer. So, I buy another pack. And the next time I need to use them, same thing... all gone but one misshapen one. I can't figure out what the Sock Monster needs with them, but I guess it's something.
Pens and pencils: Maybe he names the socks he steals and wants to write their name on them. I don't know. All I know is that there are never pens or pencils at my house. I buy them, but they never stick around long. Except for the weird, fat, rectangle pencil David uses when he's working in the garage.
Tape: This one kind of makes sense. I'm sure he has to stick himself together somehow. Scotch tape is his favorite. I bought a three pack before Christmas. 2 of them are already missing. He does, however, enjoy snacking on duct tape and clear packing tape, too.
Abreva: I guess he gets cold sores. All I know is that Abreva costs $13 for a teeny, tiny tube and you only need a teeny, tiny drop each time. Technically, one tube should expire before it ever gets fully used. Yet, every time we need it, we have to buy a new one. Sometimes, the Sock Monster even gets in my purse and steals the hidden emergency tube.
Air mattresses: This is the one that baffles me the very most! One air mattress, sure. He's got to sleep somewhere. But 4? Because, that's right, in the 8 years I've owned a home, I've purchased at least 4 air mattresses. And it's not like we camp and they get damaged or left behind. Nope. Just need them from time to time for extra guests or if we're traveling and we are the extra guest. And every.single.time, the last one I bought is no where to be found and I have to get a new one.

I'm hoping Sock Monster is reading this and will realize the jig is up. I know it's him. Maybe I'll scare him and he'll go find a new house to annoy. Or, at the very least, lay off the Abreva and air mattresses. I can deal with replacing a roll of tape but Abreva and air mattresses are pretty pricey.

~Has the Laundry Monster at your house morphed to have a more extensive diet than just socks? If so, what do they snack on?~

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 3}... In which someone rides in on their high hearse

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:16:00 +0000

Week 3 of The Bachelor and we've got big news right off the bat. Are you ready for it? Okay, here it is: I LOOKED AT A MAP OF CALIFORNIA! I know, right?! (PS: My husband hates it when I say "I know, right", but I figure I can say it all I want here because he doesn't read my blog... I know, right?!) Anyway, that map. So, San Fransisco (UPDATE: Yes, it's been pointed out to me that it's "Francisco" and I've spelled it wrong... but no, I don't care enough about California to fix it. They should really look into spelling it my way, actually.) is nowhere near where I thought it was. I guess I was confusing it with San Diego. But now the fact that it's foggy and rainy a lot makes more sense. Maybe if the opening scene of Full House had featured a map with a big star over where they lived, I would have learned this earlier. Anyway...

San Fransisco is also only about an hour from Sonoma, which makes it a little less annoying that Ben calls both places his home and says he wants to live in both places forever. But, since it's only a hour, the girls take limos back to San Fran for this week's date. Mercifully, no FlipCam videos. (Oh, and it also annoyed me how everyone kept saying "San Fran"... because, as all of us Elf fans know, "Fransisco... that's fun to say!"... but typing it is different. That's too many letters. So I'll also be going with San Fran. And hoping you'll still read it with the "-sisco" at the end.)

Before meeting up with the girls, Ben and his sister Julie have a sit-down to talk about the girls. Julie (or Mitzi, as I like to call her, given her propensity for wearing cardigans, pearls, and probably playing tennis at the country club) asks if there are any girls Mom would like (or Bitzi, as I like to call her, for the same reasons). Ben mentions Lindzi first. Then Kacie B (KCB), citing her baton twirling - because I'm sure that's something Bitzi would love. He says Emily is a science nerd and super pretty. (Yes, the super duper super overdone use of the word "super" continued this week. Super.) Jennifer is super attractive and the best kisser in the house. And, in the middle, he also mentioned Courtney. I listed it out of order, despite my OCD, because the things he said about her really need to be at the end of the paragraph, so I can conclude with "I know, right?!" Ben says Courtney is a model and that he thinks she and Mitzi would hit it off. And that she's really mellow and drama-free. Courtney. Drama-free. I know, right?!

Back at the HOtel, Chris Harrison greets the women and tells them to make the most of any time they get with Ben. He explains the date situation for anyone who hasn't watched any of the other twenty-something seasons of the show. He leave the first date card. For Emily.

Emily says she's super excited, but nervous. She's afraid the date - which the card described as "Love lifts us up" - will involved heights. Shockingly, she's terrified of heights. I know, right?! She's afraid she might "pee my pants". Because that's sexy.

Drama-free Courtney tells the camera that, while some of these girls are well educated, she always says book smart can be a little boring. She always says that? Really? How often does this come up in conversation for her?

Ben and Emily begin their date in accordance with "Bachelor Date Rules 101" and run at each other like they are in a butter commercial. I am trying to think of a time in my adult life (20+) when I've ever been so excited to see someone that I ran at them. I can't think of one. I've missed people. I've been really glad to see them. But I've never felt like I couldn't wait the extra 12 seconds for them to walk to me. Or maybe it's just that I hate running.

Anyway, they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. (Which, yes, I know is different than the Golden Gate Bridge. The Bay Bridge isn't red. Nor is the Golden Gate Bridge golden, but that's a different matter.) Some employees of CalTrans give a speech about how "official" this is and show them how to connect their harnesses. Ben tells us it's 535 feet high and 280,000 vehicles a day travel across it. Wow. He knows that off the top of his head? Impressive! <-- Sarcasm.

Both Ben and Emily say cliche things about bridges connecting two things and relationships and blah blah blah. Ben then says relationships are about trust and diving head-first into the unknown. He lost me there. Diving and bridges seem like a pretty bad combination. But, whatever. Let's get climbing.

Emily does okay for a bit, but then freaks out. Ben's response: "Talk to me, Goose". From the kitchen, my husband said "Did he just say 'Talk to me, Goose?' This guy's a winner. Those are some lucky ladies." To ease her fears, Ben kisses Goose. To which my husband also added "That's good. Kissing is what you should always do in an emergency."

And if that wasn't bizarre enough, guess what's going on back at the hotel room. As part of the decor, there just happens to be a telescope. And Nicki just happens to be looking through it. And she just happens to SEE THEM ON THE BRIDGE!! I know, right?! Of course, she calls all the other girls to have a look too. After all, I'm sure the Pottery Barn telescope was strong enough to zoom in on their faces and clearly identify Ben and Emily, as opposed to some CalTrans employees actually doing their job.

Next, Ben and Emily reach the top of the bridge and make out some more. Then they go to dinner. I have no idea how they got down. I like to think the helicopter swirling overhead for the aerial shots threw down a line and they crawled up.

At dinner, Emily discusses her abysmal dating experiences. Points for using abysmal! Bonus points to anyone who can make the Friends reference. Anyway, she says she tried online date, but when she reviewed her matches, the top choice for her was a guy named Peter. Oh, and it was her brother. I know, right?! Oddly, she never said whether they went out or not.

Back at the HOtel, the group date card arrives. Jamie reads off the names: Blakeley, Jaclyn, KCB, Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel (he he he... Monica and Rachel... another Friends reference!) Nicki, Elyse, and Casey S.

Only, my OCD alarms quickly realized that wasn't the order listed on the card. Yes, the card that was shown for .5 seconds. In answer to your question about who notices crap like that, people who need medication, that's who. And me.

And wow, either Ben has SUPER girly handwriting or all this time when they say "Oh, Ben wrote such-and-such on the date card" has been a farce. I know, right?! Somewhere on the card, it said "Let's cross something off our Leap List." Like me, most of the girls had never heard of this. Bucket List, sure. But Leap List? Luckily, Rachel gives a completely non-rehearsed answer and explains it's something you want to do before your next big milestone in life, like getting married or having kids. Aah, okay. Whatever.

The girls go back to gazing out the window just in time to see some fireworks. They assume it's for Ben and Emily. I beg to differ.

See, Ben and Emily have been having a stellar time. He gives her the rose and says his dad loved his mom because he thought she was smarter than him. And Ben also thinks Emily is smarter than him. (Which is true, though not smart enough not to come on this show, but anyway...) They kiss. She wonders what could make the night better. Fireworks begin exploding overhead. Ben says "Yep, a private fireworks show".

So clearly the girls at the hotel saw a different set of fireworks. Ben and Emily's were PRIVATE! In the PRIVATE sky. Where no one else can see. Duh.

And speaking of things no one else should see, how about tongue when you're kissing. Gross!

Okay, the group date.

Ben mentions his Leap List again. Then they drive to the location. Ben points out one of the features of the car is a wallpaper option, which shows a picture just above the GPS. Of course, it's Blakely. Everyone loves that. They also love the skis on the top of the new Honda CRVs. Ugh. I don't mind product placement when it comes to a Coke can sitting on a table. I do mind blatant crap like this. The only thing that could make this worse would be if they cut to commercial and showed a website called leaplist.honda.com or something. Oh, right.

Now that we're done being forced to watch Honda propaganda, it's time for the date. We all know there are skis on top of the new Honda CRVs, but where is there to ski in San Fran? Apparently Ben has always wondered (and by "always", I mean "since the producers told him to wonder about it") what it would be like to ski down a street in San Fran. So, let's close a street and cover it with fake snow. And, since it's 85 degrees outside, let's strip down to the bikinis we all happen to be wearing under our clothes.

Yes, that happened.

I will say I'm glad the show is back to completely insane dates. The last few seasons have been too low-key. Almost naked skiing... that's what this show is all about! Just ask the locals who gathered to watch. Like Clapping Guy and Dude on Cell Phone.

Nice splits. I'm actually a little jealous. Mostly because I went to a yoga class for the first time last night and am now really sore as a result of holding my arm over my head for 30 seconds. Needless to say A) I am no where near flexible enough to do the splits and B) I am super out of shape.

While the girls are doing their snow stripper show, the final date card arrives back at the HOtel.

It's for Brittney. It's a necklace that's also a key, because Ben wants to unlock their love with the key to the city. Or something. Brittney suddenly becomes sullen. What if she doesn't have fun? What if this isn't right for her?

What if, as Reality Steve has reported, she's actually in love with one of the married members of the production staff, who doesn't want anything to do with her but whatever? And, you know me, I tend to believe Steve on this one. Besides, it's not unreasonable to assume that not all 25 girls are going to instantly fall in love with The Bachelor. And when you're around the crew 24 / 7, I can see where you might develop feelings for one of them instead. That all makes perfect sense to me. The part where I'm sure she knew he was married and had kids makes me think some very unkind things about Brittney, but the overall concept of liking someone better than the Bachelor, I can totally understand. Of course, she can't tell the girls that. So she just says her heart isn't in it and she packs up her bags. (UPDATE: I just re-read what I had originally read and it's a different girl who leaves because she's interested in a producer. I got confused. I guess Brittney really did just want to leave. Whatever. Do you even care that much? Someone left. Someone else leaves because she like a producer. There are still too many girls for me to get worked up about who's who.)

The group date girls have made their way to an after party. I know, right? But not just any after party. It's a pool. Ben describes it as an "iconic landmark", "cool scene", "it rains in the pools", "kind of rad", and "historic". Yeah, okay. He also says he's looking forward to no drama tonight. Because that seems likely.

First, he and Rachel talk. Then kiss. She tells us "Honestly, I really want the rose." Honestly? You do? So you're not lying? And you want the rose? The thing that guarantees you another week on the show? Honestly?

Next, KCB becomes "that girl". The one who had such a great time and then got nervous because of the stress and the other girls and needs constant reassurance. She and Ben "sneak out" for a walk. Yeah, it's really sneaking when a film crew follows you, but whatever. They talk and kiss too. Ben declares that she's trouble. Good trouble. He likes her.

He sneaks back in and talks to Blakeley. She declares that everyone hates her. I, for one, hate her giant feather earrings. They hung to her shoulders. Ugh. Ben encourages her to stick with it and not worry about the girls. He'd sure hate for anyone to leave.

Almost as if it were a cue, Brittney shows up and tells Ben she's leaving. And, almost as if he had a heads up... or if he didn't even remember which one Brittney was, he doesn't seem to care much. He walks her out and tells her to say hi to her grandma.

He rejoins the girls and gives the rose to Rachel.

For his last one-on-one date, Lindzi gets to be sloppy seconds for Brittney. But she doesn't mind. She loves a last minute date.

Ben wants to see if she "can hang" in San Fran, so he takes her on a trolley car. On the off chance anyone from San Fran is reading this (and doesn't hate me for my lack of geographical knowledge regarding your state), please tell me if any locals every ride trolleys. That seems to me like a total tourist thing. Maybe I'm wrong and it's actually a viable source of public transportation, but I see it transporting a lot more people with fanny packs around their waist and Nikons around their neck than I see residents on their way to work. Anyway...

The trolley stops at an ice cream place. Ben greets the owner by name. He must come here a lot. Or was told the name 2 seconds before. But probably he comes here a lot. Ben and Lindzi get the same kind of ice cream. (Also, a friend of ours named Ben was once married to a women named Lindzi - maybe spelled slightly differently, but still spelled wrong. Anyway, someone slurred their names once and called them Len and Benzi. Which, having remembered that, I will now call Ben and Lindzi "Benzi" whenever they are together.)

After the ice cream, Benzi goes to City Hall. It's pitch black and empty but Ben has a key. Wow! What are the chances?! Lindzi says she doesn't know who this guy is but he's amazing. Um, sweetie, it's Ben. The Bachelor. That's who he is. You've met him, like, 5 times now. And he's not particularly amazing.

As soon as Benzi walks in, lights go on and music starts. What?! A concert? Just for them? This NEVER happens! Who is it this time? Matt Nathanson?! Well, at least I've heard of him. That's an improvement over many of the musical guests. Although, I will say that The Bachelor still manages to get more relevant guests than Saturday Night Live sometimes does. What is with SNL having a big name like Kelly Clarkson weekend before last and then some weird, half dead, awful chick this weekend? Ugh.

Anyway, Matt plays. Benzi dances. (Or "dance". I'm not sure how to conjugate a verb when the subject is a made up blend of two people.)

Next, Benzi go to a speak easy. Ben gives a password at the door. I couldn't tell what he said. I played it back twice but really didn't care that much. They look around at al the "super fun" hidden rooms. Over dinner, Lindzi tells about her boyfriend of a year and a half dumping her via text message. They kiss. She gets a rose.

But the Benzi fun isn't over yet! They stop in a piano store and he plays a little. I think it's safe to say that Ben is going to play any piano in sight this season. I suppose he thinks it's sexy. And, when the right person is playing, it is. Ben is not that person. Earlier this week, I got a tweet asking me what I thought of Ben. All I could come up with was that he looked like a soap opera villain. Of couse, with all the sneaking into City Hall and stuff, he just might be. Look out, Stefano DiMera. (Is he even still alive? I haven't watched Days of Our Lives since high school. Okay, college. But anyway, I was under the impression he couldn't die, being The Phoenix and all. So I assume he is.)

Benzi close their evening dancing or hugging or something while "This Year's Love" plays. Okay, first of all - why didn't a Matt Nathanson song play? Second, did you know he's saying "This year's love, it better last"... not "love in Italy." It sounds JUST LIKE he says "Italy" and nothing like "better last". What a weird, mummbly accent.

Finally, it's time for the cocktail party... but not before a mysterious girl calls and leaves a voicemail for Chris. All we see are her hands and body as she's driving, and her voice saying she'll be there soon. Wow, speaking of soap opera villains. Oh, and then she calls again (or it's the same pieced together junk) and this time Chris is on the line. They chat a little. She's sure she wants to do this. She's 20 minutes away. She'll call when she's closer. Um, why? Are you not driving a Honda CRV with the navigation system that has the wallpaper option? Plus, oh my goodness, who could this be?!?!

The girls, unaware that some chick is about to ruin their night, continue with the party. First, Ben and Jennifer kiss. He tells her she is - hands-down- the best kisser in the house. She says "You're, like, dreamy!" I know, right?!

20 minutes must have gone by because Chris is downstairs to meet the mystery woman. It's... SHAWNTEL NEWTON!? Holy cra--- yeah, never mind. I don't care that much. Anyone who follows them on Twitter (I don't) apparently already knew she and Ben had had some flirty exchanges (when he wasn't busy flirty with Jennifer Love Hewitt, mind you). That led to some phone conversations. From that, Shawntel has decided they belong together. She's come to ask for a chance to be included among the girls. Or, more likely, someone called her and offered her a little cash to show up for one night and stir the pot. Either way, here she is.

(If you don't know, she was on Brad's season. She made it to the hometown dates but was sent home. She's also a funeral director. She made Brad lay on the embalming table. Eeew.)

Back upstairs, Nicki is playing some weird game with Ben. She asks a question and they both write an answer on an index card to see if it matches. Courtney, always congenial, tells us she'd never be friends with most of these girls and that Nicki, bless her heart, looks like an idiot. Well, Courtney, bless your empty cavity where a heart would be, you do too.

She also says that Blakeley looks like the kind of girl your boyfriend would cheat on you with. (Okay, on this point, I agree.)

Next up, she doesn't like the way Lindzi looked at Elyse. This turns into catty comments. Courtney says she can't sit there anymore and stomps off. The girls gossip about her. Emily says Courtney should be diagnosed for a social disorder. (Again, I agree.)

Courtney finds Ben. She starts using her Ben voice. You've noticed, right? Her voice is totally different with him than with the girls. Also, she is the worst ever. They explore the building and find a secret passageway. Suddenly, Ben is an expert on the building and tells Courtney that JFK used to bring Marilyn Monroe here. Courtney thinks this is cool. So, she hates Blakeley because she seems cheater-y, but the location of presidential adultery is cool? Ugh.

They end up on a roof. Courtney tells Ben they would make cute babies. Gag. She also talks about how the stress and drama from the other girls is a lot on her shoulders. But she can deal with it. Because she has big shoulders. (Which, if you remember, I have pointed out before.)

Back inside, the girls are assembled (randomly, of course) in a hallway-type area. Shawntel breezes by. The girls all look back and forth and wonder who that woman is. Naturally, they all assumes she's a "bleep". They sneak around and listen in as Shawntel asks Elyse to vacate the seat where she is talking to Ben. Ben's response: "Holy bleep!"

Believe it or not, Ben actually seemed surprised to see her. I can't tell if he's just a good actor or was actually surprised. Either way, doesn't matter. She gives her speech about wondering what's between them. Inside, the super drunk girls realize it's Shawntel and start making all sorts of funeral director-y puns. How she drains other people's blood. And how she rode in on her high hearse. (That one made me laugh. Although I doubt Nicki thought of it on her own, after who knows how many drinks.)

Ben gathers everyone together to introduce Shawntel and ask them to give her a nice welcome while he thinks about what to do next. Yeah, that's going to happen. More like the girls who all hate each other suddenly are best buds and all collectively hate Shawntel.

The girls split up into small groups to discuss how awful she is. My favorite debate was between Courtney and Rachel. It started with Courtney saying "This is whack!" (another Friends reference... anyone?) and Rachel calling Shawntel a creeper. But the real reason I liked the two of them talking was it gave me a chance to see who needed braces more. Come on, you've noticed too.

Courtney announces that she doesn't need to find love like this (really? A model doesn't need a dating show? Shocking!) and that if Ben keeps Shawntel around, she's leaving. Elsewhere, Erika is declaring that Shawntel is uglier in person and has thicker thighs than she does. Apparently this makes Erika happy. It just makes me continue my dislike of a lot of skinny people. But that's just because one of my thighs is thicker than both of Erika's. Also, in general, I don't like when people attack one another based on looks. It's so shallow. Granted, I just posted a picture making fun of two girls with overbites, but that's because of my stupidity tax theory. You know, how if you're willing to go on TV (or out in public in general) and call attention to yourself and be ridiculous, I get to make fun of you. If you're going about your daily life quietly and not being in my face about it, I shouldn't make fun of you.

Finally, it's time for the Rose Ceremony. In a rare glimpse of the crew, we see some guy in a golf cap ushering the girls to the ceremony area. Wait? They don't go there all on their own and magically know where to stand? Because if that is orchestrated, what else could be?!

Ben begins by making a long speech about excusing himself earlier to think through everything. I don't know. All I could focus on was the really loud water in the background. I guess there was a fountain nearby. Or Chris Harrison forgot to turn off his mic while he was in the bathroom.

Emily, Rachel, and Lindzi all have roses already. Ben begins to hand out the others as I turn on my psychic powers. (I leave them off when not in use. Like Bluetooth. It drains too much battery to run all the time.)

Courtney: Everyone hates you, so I have to keep you around. In fact, everyone hates you so much, I'll probably choose you in the end.
** Courtney accepts the rose but gives her own speech about how tonight was a lot and that it was hard seeing him talking to what's-her-butt. Yes, she seriously said "what's-her-butt". Not only does she look like a 15 year old boy, but she has the mentality of one too. And she smells the rose. As she does with every rose. Annoying.**
KCB: I can't wait for you to teach my mom and her Bridge club how to twirl a baton.
Elyse: I'm still afraid you can beat me up.
Jamie: Um...
Jennifer: Best kisser earns you another week.
Casey S: Again, I kept the other Kacie, so...
Blakeley: Your giant bosom didn't get enough air time this week, so I'm keeping you in hopes that changes next week.
Monica: Still waiting for more girl-on-girl. In a minute, when I dump Shawntel, maybe you can comfort her or something. Just sayin'...
Nicki: Hey, Nicki and "hickey" rhyme...
Samantha: Miss Pacific Palisades... which, if Audreya knew more about California, she would know was nowhere near San Fran.

Enter Chris Harrison to make is final rose speech... except, wait! Someone is getting faint. Oh no, it's Erika. I guess her thinner-than-Shawntel's thighs just couldn't hold her up any longer.

The girls all rush around her. Golf Hat Guy returns and urges them to give her some room. One girl asks if she's anemic. Yes, probably - since no one on this show eats.. but I'm guessing the problem was more alcohol-induced. Whether because she consumed so much she got faint or she consumed so much she was easily persuaded by a producer to "pass out", I'm not sure.

My favorite was when Jamie said "I was afraid she was going to die." The problem? Jamie is a nurse. If, as a nurse, someone passes out and you automatically assume they are dying, maybe you need to work in a different branch of nursing instead of the "everyone here dies" department. Though, of course, if she had died, at least Shawntel could embalm her on the spot.

Erika regroups. Ben prepares to hand out the final rose. He addresses the remaining women. Or, rather, a terrible voiceover does. Something about difficult decisions, blah blah.

Ultimately, he decides not to hand out the rose at all... sending Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel home.

Shawntel walks out. Courtney yells "So long! Sayonara!" at her. Klassy, right? Yep, the kind with a K.

Erika is feeling faint again, but Ben elects to walk Shawntel out rather than check on her. Hmm. Maybe he and Courtney are a match made in klassy heaven after all.

Ben tells Shawntel he didn't think it was fair to her, to the other girls, or to himself to keep her there. Translation: There are hotter chicks here. Shawntel tells us that she was so confident, but now she's confused and she guesses Ben just wasn't man enough to accept the connection between them. Or she imagined the connection. But whatever.

Ben also walks Erika out. Jaclyn left as uneventfully as the rest of the time she spent on the show.

Ben comes back and informs the girls they are off to Park City, Utah next week.

Cue excited squeals.

I'm not sure what they will be doing, but I bet all the guys forced by their wives to watch the show hope for more bikini skiing. I know, right?!

Speaking of bikini skiing, the link to my radio recap about the skiing and other silliness is HERE

And finally, two other bits of Bachelor news. 1.) Kasey (formerly of Kasey and Vienna.... who broke up, in case you didn't know) was arrested this weekend for being drunk and disorderly at a bar. Also, the sky is blue and water is wet. 2.) Reality Steve found out who the next Bachelorette will be. It's not someone from this season. It is someone that I think will make a good one, although I wish she had followed through with her original plans to avoid public life. Anyway, because some of you don't like spoilers and because it's his news anyway, I won't say who it is. You can go HERE if you want to know. Just be advised he has spoilers for the rest of this season up already. (Though, for once, I've barely skimmed them. Usually I read every word, but lately it's more fun to make fun of if I don't know too much in advance. Still, if you like that sort of thing, he's the best source.)

Much love for Sweet Love!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:02:00 +0000

A few years ago, a girl I didn't know left a comment on my blog. After some ~~stalking~~ research, I realized that -while we didn't know each other - we knew a lot of the same people and that our lives overlapped in a number of ways. Kelli became my first ever real life friend I met on the internet.

One of the areas we had in common was cake decorating. Right off the bat, I was impressed with her skills. I mean, I knew I was pretty good. But she was really, really good. And she was generous. She taught me everything I know about fondant. And told me where to buy edible glitter.

Tomorrow, -after years of dreaming and months of (literal) blood, sweat, and tears - she opens her bakery!

If you're in the Little Rock area, make sure you stop by Sweet Love (awesome name, right?!) on Cantrell, in the same plaza as Taziki's. In addition to amazing custom cakes, she'll have a selection of other deliciousness in the case.

Whether you're local or not, visit her website or follow her on Twitter (@sweetlovebakes for all things yummy and @kellimarks because she's funny, too) or find the bakery on Facebook. One way or another, give her some encouragement and some love... some sweet love. Yeah, you know I couldn't past that up!

And now that I've said all the things you actually need to know, let's get to the important part. The part where she feeds me goodies.

Over the weekend, Kelli had a preview party to let us see the shop, sample some treats, and generally goof around.

Yum!!

I did take a break from stuffing my face to look around. The thing I wanted to see most? The mixer. The mixer has a storied past. Not only is it from the "They don't make 'em like that anymore" era, but it's been entertaining to follow the adventures the mixer has taken since it's come into Kelli's possession. Finally, it's in its new home!

And, to prove it's as sturdy as it looks, Savannah's #DestructoTot (the child capable of destroying anything in 3 seconds flat) tested it out...

I'm sure I should have taken more pictures of the actual bakery or the other guests having a good time, but I'm also sure I was occupied by my second ~~and third and fourth trip~~ back up to the sweets. So, finally a picture of Kelli and me...

Kelli, I'm so proud of you and wish you all the best!

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 2}

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:37:00 +0000

Week 2 of The Bachelor is off to a great start! Instead of having to wait until Week 4 or 5 to get cheesy FlipCam shots of the group traveling somewhere, this time we get them right off the bat. Yep! The girls are jaunting off to Sonoma to meet Ben on his own grape-infested turf.

And, since he's back home, it seems like a good time for Ben to reflect on his late father again. Ben says he has such fond memories of his father in Sonoma. He wishes his dad could meet the women. He wonders what his dad would say about all of this. I'm guessing probably something like "Keep it wrapped up, son. VD is serious." Because I like to assume all parents 50+ call it VD instead of STDs. I'm not sure why. Mine call it STDs. But still, VD seems more nostalgic, which is what Ben is being right now, so... Anyway, eeew. Let's stop talking about VD. Back to Ben's dad. Yeah, I'm sure he's really proud. He's sitting up in Heaven right now, looking at Jesus, saying "Dude, I don't know..."

Ben cuts right to the chase when he meets up with the women and hands Kacie B. a date card. It sounds like KCB when he says it. Let's call her that. KCB says she's excited that Ben wants to take her and show her things. Ben's dad, again, shrugs his shoulders at Jesus.

Ben picks KCB up in that jalopy thing he's been driving since his promo video during the Bachelor Pad finale. I'm not a car person. I don't know what it is. It looks like an old Blazer that's also a convertible. All I know is that it's not the Ferraris and Lamborghinis the other Bachelors have cruised around in. And it looks like it has an iPod clipped to the rear view mirror. It could possibly be a camera... but I'm going with iPod. That sounds jalopy-er.

Ben and KCB pull up to a park. Ben declares "This is my home. Probably where I'm going to live for the rest of my life." Wait. Ben lives in a park? That explains a lot actually. Especially about his hair. Maybe he meant Sonoma in general, not that particular park... but I'm going with the park. That sounds jalopy-er.

They walk around the little town square area, hug random passerbys that Ben acts like he's known his whole life, stop in a hotel lobby and molest a piano for a bit, then wander into a toy store. After looking around at all the toy shop has to offer, KCB selects a Kermit the Frog lunchbox. At first, I thought that seemed weird. But then I realized it actually makes perfect sense...

They head back out on the street. KCB suddenly tells Ben to stay there, she saw something she just had to buy. Despite having no wallet or purse on her, she just happens to appear with a baton. So either the producers set this up or she's a shoplifter. Probably a shoplifter. Because why would the producers set something like that up? I mean, what are the chances that she used to be a competitive baton twirler and will march up and down the streets like she's in a parade. Seriously. What are the chances? Um, 100%

Next Ben and KCBaton go to dinner. He talks about coming back to Sonoma because it's where he has ~~a winery~~ ~~family money~~ such fond memories of his father. KCB gushes that she could see herself in Sonoma. After all, she's Southern. It's how she was raised. To go anywhere and do anything. Uh, what part of the South is she from? Because no one leaves the part where I live. If a local kid moves from here to Little Rock, it's a big deal. Heaven forbid they move to Dallas or Nashville. That's where are all the murders and drugs are. Because of the immigrants and the Yankees who moved there. Anyway, apparently KCB is one of those rebel kids who is willing to move. She won't think she's so high-falootin' when she has to become a hooker to pay her big city rent.

Ben goes on to say that he wanted to be The Bachelor because ~~of the paycheck and the 15 minutes of fame~~ it worked for him once (you know, sort of) and he believes it will work again. He gives KCB the rose and kisses her. Observation: Ben says "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" a lot. Usually, they say "this journey" or "the last time I went through this process". No real thoughts on this, just something I noticed.

After dinner, Ben and KCB go into an old, empty theater. On the big screen: home movies from each of their childhoods. Ben, of course, tears up and is emotional about his father. Look, I've never lost a parent. I pray I have many decades before I experience that. I'm sure it's awful. But I'm also sure Ben is exploiting it to get chicks.

Next up, the group date. Do you really care who all went? Do you even know most of their names yet? I don't. Anyway, 12 ladies went. Well, 14, if you count the two girls that tagged along with Blakeley.

Oh, to make matters worse, it's a romper. Luckily, not the flowy bottom kind... but just the skin tight teeny shorts kind. Basically it's a swimsuit with slightly lengthened leg holes. Ugh. I used to like seersucker...

For their activity, Ben informs the girls that the "best playwrights in the land" have written a piece for them to perform. Rachel, who lives in NYC, tells us she automatically thinks "Broadway". Yeah, because Broadway and Sonoma are the same. I'm quickly concluding Rachel is not very bright. Plus, she lies about her age.

Anyway, Tennessee Williams was unavailable, so some local children step in as the playwrights. And the girls must audition. Roles range from weasel to princess... and everything in between.

Some of the girls look give a decent performance. Some stare blankly at the children. No one cares either way. When it's Nicki's turn, some boy in the crowd ask her to do a sexy dance. Oh good, I love it when we prompt children to say inappropriate things. Nicki wisely responds with The Sprinkler.

When it's Blakeley's turn, they ask her to run in slow motion. Now, do I think boys in 6th and 7th grade are at prime age to begin appreciating, um, what Blakeley has to offer? Yes. Do I think they are brave enough to shout out "Run in slow motion!" on their own accord? Nope. Did Blakeley do it anyway? You bet your double Ds she did.

While Blakeley is bouncing around everywhere, the girls who didn't go on the group date are back at the house. Courtney is attempting to win friends and influence people by telling the other girls how she just knows by the way Ben looks at her that there's something there. Yeah, it's that you're a model and guys gawk. Ask the 6th grader presently drooling over Blakeley. When the date card arrives, KCB reads off Courtney's name. Courtney responds with "Yeah? How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"

KCB looks stunned. "Well, um, I already had a date, so..."

Courtney then tells the camera that she's very competitive and usually wins. Then she adds the Charlie Sheen "Winning!" Oh my stars. Is that still a thing? I hope not.

Okay, enough of Courtney's douchecanoe behavior. Back to the rest of the douche flotilla...

It's time to perform the play the kids wrote. Prince Pinot of Bachelorville

Prince Pinot? So not only do these kids objectify large breasted, scantily clad women... but they also know the names of various kinds of wine? Wow. California is different.

Who doesn't know the name? Rachel. Instead of "PEEE-no", she pronounces it "peh-NOH". Seriously? She can't pronounce basic types of wine or keep up with how old she is?

Prince Pinot hands out the scripts and tells the girls which roles they've been granted. Someone (Jaclyn, maybe? Not important) is Princess of Champagne. These wunderkind playwrights sure are lushes! Jenna is cast as the wizard. She's, of course, crying about it.

And there's a gingerbread man... or, as Samantha put it: "What do you get when you cross a hooker and a gingerbread man? BLAKELEY!"

Okay, curtain time. Ben tells the girls the community theater is packed with locals, friends, and family. Dr. Emily tells the camera she's nervous now because these people are expecting a professional show. Um, no they aren't, sweetie. They probably figured out what the deal was when they had to sign the non-disclosure form just to sit in the crowd. But, like you, they thought it would be cool to be on TV and are willing to suffer through your antics.

The play begins. I have no idea what was happening. There were hippies and wizards and, at one point, Ben turned into a sheep. Then, a weasel and a donkey kissed him. I don't know. Finally, Monica the Dragon "blew fire" at him and it apparently singed off his clothes. He stripped out of the sheep outfit and wore nothing but a furry loin cloth. Yes, for real. You can't make this sheep up. And, again, who are these deranged child authors?

Aww, who cares? It's time for the after party! Whooop whooop!

Ben declares that the women "killed it" today. "It" being what? The dramatic arts? The innocence of children? My will to live?

After chatting with a few others, Ben turns his attention to Jennifer. She gave a commanding performance as Weasel today. She tells him she's super glad to be here. They kiss.

Meanwhile, Blakeley is acting like a turd about the rose. She just knows she's going to get it. This upsets Samantha (Miss Pacific Palisades, if I remember correctly) quite a bit. She goes in the bathroom and cries and curses about what a bleep that bleeping Blakeley is.

But what does Ben think of Blakeley. He thinks she's "super grounded" and everyone likes her. Considering they call her "Jugs" and other less-than-desirable nicknames when she's not around, I'm guess Ben is a little out of the loop, but whatever. She pulls him off to a private pool, but not before telling the camera that she's a Scorpio and thus, super passionate.

Seriously, these people think "super" is the only adjective in the English language, apparently. It's super annoying.

Blakeley begins to suck on Ben's face. He doesn't seem to mind. She's really reminding me of Michelle Money... not Michelle that I actually liked during Bachelor Pad 2... but CrazyAlienPants Michelle from Brad's season. Ben even comments on her outfit from earlier in the day. She says "Yeah, I'm just blessed in certain areas." Ugh.

Ben finishes licking Blakeley's tonsils and gathers up all the women to hand out the rose. Of course, everyone claims they will have a cow in Blakeley gets it. Well, no one actually said "have a cow", but they should have. Let's bring that phrase back. Who's with me?!

Naturally, Ben gives the rose to someone he claimed "owned the day and the night"... dum da dum... BLAKELEY!

This goes over well. Samantha tells us that Blakeley is a slut and possibly used to be a man. When Blakeley reappears, everyone heads off in different directions. She says she loves that everyone disperses when she comes around. Well, maybe they don't like the itchy sensation they get when they are next to you.

Last but not least, Ben's date with Courtney. He says she is one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen. Really? I don't understand men. And I don't mean that in the catty way that women always claim a girl isn't pretty when she actually is. Halle Berry? Yes, beautiful. Sandra Bullock? Sofia Vergara? Absolutely. But Courtney? I just don't get the thing with models and she's got that typical model body... as in, the same as a 15 year old guy in the chess club, only with wider shoulders. Her face is just regular. But, whatever. I don't think Ben has great hair either, but Courtney does. To each their own. And also, I still hate her and find her Kristen Stewart-like.

For their date, Ben brings his dog Scotch. Um, why did Prince Pinot the wine guy name his dog Scotch? Shouldn't he have gone with a kind of grape? "Come here, Muscadine!" (Yeah, 15 years in Arkansas has made it where the only kind of grape I know is the muscadine. Whatever.)

They park the jalopy and hike into a forest. Redwoods or sequoias or some really tall tree. I'm not sure. My attention last night was split between this and the National Championship game. Incidentally, the trees rushed for more yardage than LSU.

Courtney Stewart gets Scotch out of the car and declares that he weighs more than he looks like he does. And, at 25 pounds, also weighs more than her. Ben says "Yeah, when he stays with Grandma, he puts on a few L Bs." That's right, he pronounced the abbreviations for pounds. Oh-em-gee. Even Scotch is embarrassed by how lame Ben is.

For their glamorous date, they decide to make Scotch howl in the woods. Scotch wants no part of this. He gives them a few half-hearted yips, but they insist - both howling at him in an effort to make him sing. Ben then tries some less conventional motivation. I wept for humanity. And dogmanity.

Courtney pets Scotch and says "I think we'll keep him." WE'LL?! Ben should have ditched her right then. You can't call Scotch your dog son (which he did) and then let some chick you've known for 5 days dictate whether he stays or not. She's super awful. Poor Scotch. She's so awful that I continue to think she'll win. Then she'll probably send Scotch off to a nice farm where he can run and play.

Speaking of farms, Scotch does go somewhere. Who knows where, exactly. Ben and Courtney hop on his tractor and drive to dinner. Disappointingly, She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy does not play in the background. Kind of a travesty, if you ask me.

Over dinner, Ben asks why she's still single. She goes on some speech about how hard it is to date in LA and how she's not into the whole "scene" scene. How she's dated photographers and actors (hint: Jesse Metcalfe from Desperate Housewives) but it always ends dramatically, like with her finding underwear in the bed or something. Ben, not to be one-upped, gives a similar speech about how he made a lot of money in his early 20s and lived a life of excess and partied and whatnot but he's super over that now and wants to settle down.

They kiss. It's awkward. Ben is an awkward kisser anyway and she is worse. Ugh. Of course, she gets a rose and declares that the other girls watch out.

Finally, the cocktail party. Ben says he wants to spend time with the girls who didn't get dates this week. That seems respectable, right?

First up, Lindzer Torte. He tells her she doesn't need to worry. She made such a great impression last week that he felt okay about not seeing her this week. They talk about how she is a farm girl. She drives an F350 diesel and is usually muddy. Ben seems okay with this. Or he doesn't know what an F350 is and he's just nodding along to be polite.

Next up, Samantha tries to talk to him. After not long at all, Blakeley interrupts. Now, as we all know, the girls only get to go up to him when a producer tells them to, so obviously Blakeley is being cast (willingly, it seems) as the villain interrupter. Ben, however, could have said "Hey Blake, catchya later, okay? You've already got a rose." But no, he dismisses Samantha and talks to Blakeley. Later, Erika tries to talk to him. Again, enter Blakeley. The girls lament about how "Jugs" is a "Stage 5 Clinger". Note: While I appreciate the Wedding Crashers reference, a stage 5 clinger is actually a VIRGIN clinger. I'm going to say Blakeley is a different stage.

And then, Jenna. Oh my. Aside from being a forlorn wizard in the play, we haven't heard much from Jenna tonight. That's about to change. First, she and Ben sit down outside. She tosses the blanket off the seat and right on to one of the lanterns. Ben jumps up and says "Let's not put that down on the candle." And yes, he used the same tone of voice I use when my niece is sticking her hair in my glass. Which happened last night, too.

Jenna goes on to say that she's more like a guy. Or something. The word vomit continues. How does this woman blog? It must take her 6 days to write a post... or it takes her 12 minutes and she just never finishes a sentence. I really should visit her blog. Except I'm scared to. Anyway, the incomplete sentences. (I know, right?!) Here is the transcription of what she said to Ben:

"I don't want - I don't want you to think that I'm not - because I might appears as if I'm not - it's - I mean - it's hard, like, you know - it's only you - so it's like waiting around for you - and it's totally worth it. I'm just - I'm not a good girl. If that makes any sense."

If that makes any sense? To quote the Principal in Billy Madison: "...what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Ben responds with "I appreciate that". Which, roughly translated, means "WTF".

Realizing she's made a complete fool of herself, Jenna shifts into meltdown mode. She babbles to the camera, then goes and gets in her bed. Crying, of course.

In a horribly spliced together scene, the girls appear to suspect Blakeley is behind this. Really, this was just a segue to more BlakeBashing. Not that I don't endorse it, but just splice a little more cleanly, please.

Jaclyn says "I don't want her horse face in my face." Other girls say stuff. Blakeley vents in the kitchen about how the other girls don't like her. Also, did anyone else wonder where Monica was in all of this. If we are to believe last week, Monica and Blakeley are -and I can't believe I'm about to use a phrase from Jersey Shore -"lez-be-friends". Yet, I did not see Monica defending her or comforting her or anything. You know, like maybe the whole situation last week was overstated or something.

Blakeley can't take it anymore. She runs off to a room full of luggage and crouches down behind a suitcase to cry. Yeah. Right.

Ben senses the drama and asks about it. Brittney does a pretty good job of giving a vague, non-catty answer... and also eye-gesturing tellingly when someone mentions Blakeley. Ben decides he needs to go find Blakeley and sort this out.

Really? Because no guy I know is going to get in the middle of a girl fight. Any regular guy is just going to ~~let it unfold and then video the fight~~ tell whichever girl complains to him about it that "it's fine" and "don't get worked up over it" and "leave it alone". He's not going to mediate.

Ben, however, is no regular guy. He's a prince. Prince Pinot to the rescue!! He finds Blakeley behind the suitcases and asks what's wrong. She says it's all the drama with the girls.

Okay, aside from the sobs being clearly edited in, let me tell you how I know Blakeley wasn't crying. First of all, hide in the suitcases? Yeah right. Second, she's a VIP cocktail ~~hooker~~ ~~stripper~~ waitress. I guarantee an average shift at her job has much more drama from the other VIP cocktail ~~hooker~~ ~~stripper~~ waitresses than she's encountered on this show. Third, she has a giant tattoo on her forearm. Girls with giant forearm tattoos don't hide behind suitcases and cry about boys. And finally, this is what she looked like while Ben was "comforting" her:

Her eyes aren't even red. Not to mention that her makeup is perfect. Verdict: NOT CRYING!

Still, Ben steals some advice from Chris Harrison and tells her to "take a moment" and collect herself.

While Prince Pinot is in "Damsel in Distress" mode, he gallops off to find Jenna. He gets her out of bed. Granted, she was probably still crying and being a weirdo, but the clock on the nightstand did say 2:04, so there's a chance she was just tired.

Mercifully, Chris Harrison shows up to end the party and send Prince Pinot off to think about his choices. Even more mercifully, no counseling session between the two is shown. I guess the Prince no longer needs a commoner like Chris to give him advice.

Everyone gathers outside. The majority of the party was inside. Given that all the girls are shivering and there is "smoke" in the background - which I assume was steam rising off a hot tub or something- I'm guessing they are all super stoked about this.

KCB, Blakeley, and Courtney all have roses. Ben gives the requisite speech about being thankful they are here. I turn on my psychic prowess to capture his thoughts as he hands out the remaining roses.

Jennifer: You were surprisingly un-whiny about being cast as a weasel. And you let me stick my tongue down your throat.
Emily: You're pretty and smart. That may not get you far in this game, but it will get you to next week.
Elyse: You, um, have long hair...
Jaclyn: I need someone to eliminate in the next couple weeks, so here's a rose...
Rachel: You're dumb and pretty. That will get you far in this game.
Lindzi: I'm afraid you'll run over me with you monster truck.
Nicki: Anyone with low enough standards to do The Sprinkler in a maxi dress is good enough for me!
Kacey S: Still just easier to keep people with the same name. (Note: He really emphasized the S. Right to her face. "Kacey S, will you accept this rose. Like the other Kacie was standing right there or something. Ben F. is weird.)
Samantha: There's something off about you. I can't quite put my finger on it. Let's see...
Monica: I'm still hoping for some girl-on-girl. And I'm pretty much a woman, so that would count too.
Jamie: See "Elyse"

Chris Harrison swoops in to earn his paycheck and give his "One rose remaining" speech...

Brittney: I promised your grandma.

So that leaves Shawn (skunk haired single mom) going home. No dramatics there. And Jenna. Oh, Jenna.

Jenna cries to the camera that the other girls distracted him. (Yeah, that was the problem) and that she's mortified (as she should be)... and says "Are you kidding me?!" about 40 times. Nope, not kidding. And may God have mercy on your soul.

Next week: San Fransisco. Ben's hometown. Wait, I thought Sonoma was Ben's hometown. That makes no sense. Maybe Ben and Jenna would have been a good fit after all. Anyway, someone leaves and someone shows up. Hint: the leaver is under less than ideal circumstances and the show upper is not someone you realize has any connection to Ben.

It should be interesting. Or, more likely, over-hyped. But, of course I'll watch.

Speaking of interesting, this week the 15 years in Arkansas also came out in my radio recap. "Thin the herd"? 6:30AM Audreya is not very classy. But, neither is this subject matter. So, whatevs. You can listen HERE.

Indeed, I would make a poor Parrothead...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 20:55:00 +0000

(source)

Central Arkansas has been abuzz for the last few days since the big entertainment venue announced an upcoming announcement. All week, different radio personalities and media outlets have been saying that Verizon Arena had a big announcement coming on Thursday... something 12 years in the making... something so cool they weren't even going to tell the radio personalities and media outlets until right before Big Announcement O'Clock.

I have to admit that I even got a little curious. Enough so that I turned on the radio while I was in the shower this morning so I could hear who it was. In case it was U2.

When it was announced that Jimmy Buffett was coming to town, I just thought "Oh, okay" and continued washing my hair (with what was possibly dog shampoo - but that's another story).

Let me be clear: I have nothing against Jimmy Buffett. If one of his songs comes on the radio, I'll probably sing along. And, when I was in Vegas, I ate an actual Cheeseburger in Paradise. Plus, I ate at Margaritaville again in Florida. But I don't remember what I had. Coconut shrimp, maybe? Not important...

Anyway, all that to say that I like Jimmy Buffett a normal amount. But, aside from an affinity for flip flops, I'm not sure we have much in common.

However, my friend, Savannah, extra super loves him. As does most everyone else in the state, if Twitter is to be believed. Savannah suggested I use my non-existent clout at the local radio station where I do my weekly Bachelor recaps to see if we could get tickets.

She was appalled when I said I'd rather throw my non-existent clout at a show I wanted to see more.

She took to Twitter, pleading her case and implying that my Northern roots might be why I make a poor Parrothead.

This, of course, got me to thinking that I should make a list of all the reasons why I make a poor Parrothead. So...

Until an hour ago, I thought Jimmy's fans were called Buffettheads, not Parrotheads.
Every time I've tried to type Buffett, I've typed buffet instead.
I don't care for the beach. I mean, sure, a few hours in the sun, listening to the waves is nice. But after that, I get bored. And sweaty. And terribly sunburt. Don't get me wrong - if someone gave me an all-expense paid trip to the beach, I'd go. But I'd mostly sit under an umbrella and read. Until I got bored and sweaty.
I don't drink alcohol. This seems like a pretty big requirement for being a Parrothead.
I know exactly 4 Buffett songs. Two of which are the names of his restaurants. I don't find that to be coincidental. The third, Changes in Latitude, I know because I saw it on a shirt at one of his restaurants. And finally, I know Come Monday. Oh, and "It's 5:00 Somewhere" because, well, I live in Arkansas and that song got played 40 bajillion times when it first came out. Though, really, that's Alan Jackson's song.
Finally, I don't understand the obsession older white dudes (and my husband) have with Hawaiian shirts. Okay, maybe that's not a huge factor in the Parrothead controversy, but this seemed like a good time to throw that out there.

So yeah, I'd certainly make a poor Parrothead. Nothing against those of you who are. I hope you have a great time at the show. I really do. I just won't be there with you.

Plus, you don't really want me next to you anway. I'd stick out like a sore thumb. I own seven argyle sweaters. Clearly I have no business at a Jimmy Buffet concert!

Josh Groban, on the other hand.... I'd blend right in. Let me know when he's in town, please.

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 1}

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:00:00 +0000

The Bachelor is back, so you know what that means... I'm back with my weekly rambling recaps and obnoxious pictures. (*pause for applause*) No applause, really? Come on, people!

Anywhoo, this is Ben Flajnik. Until last night, I thought it was "Flaj - nick", but apparently it's "Flaaa - nick". Either way, Ben...

source

Ben is just your average Joe winemaker. He stands around all day in front of studio backdrops, holding wine glasses and roses. I can't imagine why he's still single. Oh, right. Because he proposed to Ashley last season and she said no. And then he went out with Jennifer Love Hewitt, but decided being the Bachelor was better than dating her, so...

After having his heart broken, Ben moved back to San Fransisco to "help with the healing process"... or, you know, be close to his winery. I guess. He said he goes to Sonoma 3 or 4 times a week. Is that by San Fransisco? I really have no idea and I'm too lazy to pull up a Google map. Basically, in my mind, all of California is either "LA" or "not LA". For example, my father-in-law grew up in California. Where, specifically? Um, LA, I think. My cousin also grew up there. Where? Not LA. That's all I've got.

Back to Ben... heart broken, blah blah blah... oh, and his dad died. He mentioned it a lot on Ashley's season and he mentioned it 6 times last night. I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time we hear about it. Plus, remember on his hometown date with Ashley when he had the really country club mom and sister? What did I call them? Bitzy and Mitzy? Something like that. Anyway, they'll definitely talk about Dad and how much he would or or would not have liked these women and Ben dragging the Flaaa-nick name through the mud.

Speaking of the women, let's get to meeting them. But not before our good buddy Chris Harrison welcomes us back and gives some speech about true love.

First, the cheesy promo videos shot before the girls arrive in LA. Or not LA. Wherever in California they film this.

There's Lindzi. She's an equestrian. She uses a lot of cliche expressions like "getting back in the saddle" and "tired of horsing around". Also, her name is spelled stupidly. It looks like linzer torte. Which is obviously what I'm going to call her. Oh, she also once got dumped via text. Or Linzer Torte typed the text herself. Notice how it's in green. Standard iPhone procedure... texts you send are in green (or blue... I think my sister's are blue) and on the right side of the screen. Received texts are in white and on the left side. So, either she typed this herself or she contacted her ex-boyfriend and photographed the text he just happened to still have. Hmmm, it's a mystery...

Then Amber. A Nebraskan tomboy who dresses in camo, shoots fake deer, and brags about eating beef nuts. And you thought Sarah Palin was bad...

Kacie says watching Ben get dumped broke her heart. Also, she walks like a man.

Courtney is a model who thinks the other girls should be intimidated by her. She also thinks she deserves at least a 2 carat engagement ring. She has this whole disinterested Kristen Stewart vibe going on. I hate her already. So she'll probably win.

There's some other chicks. A few nurses. A single mom with skunk hair. A divorced Texan, a British girl named Lyndsie who's father is a diplomat. Yes, Lyndsie. Please, everyone, spell this name weirder. Thanks.

Finally, there's Jenna. She lives in New York City and is a blogger. A blogger? What a loser. I mean, who sits around all day and just types their thoughts onto some generic website in hopes that the masses will read it and fall madly in love with their wit and charm. Get a life, people. Okay, yeah, maybe I do that from time to time, but at least I'm not a bird-napper.

Before you leave me a flurry of comments about how plastic owls keep birds and snakes and whatever else away,
I already know. I have a grandpa. He has a fake owl on his roof. Incidentally, he's cooler than Jenna.

Back at the Mansion, Ben is ready to start meeting the ladies. He and Chris have the customary therapy session. Ben mentions his dad a few times and talks about hummingbirds. Chris hypes up the women.

First out of the limo is Rachel. Her caption claims she's 27. Her caption is lying. I probably should have taken a picture to prove my point, but I didn't. I'm 32 and things are starting to slip my mind. Ask Rachel. She probably knows about that since she is definitely older than me.

There's Erika, a law student. Amber Bacon - a Canadian - who asks Ben if he wants to sample some Canadian bacon. Ugh. Elyse, a person trainer her kind of reminds me of Bethenny Frankel, and Jenna the owl dominatrix.

Courtney reappears and casually calls Ben "cutie pie" and asks if he "comes here often". Yep, seriously hating this girl.

Emily, a PhD candidate in epidemiology talks about contagious disease, douses Ben with Germ-X, then kisses him. Samantha comes out wearing her Miss Pacific Palisades sash. I guess that's a beauty pageant in California. Not sure if it's in LA or Not LA.

Casey, who is dressed like a vampire. Amber and Jamie - nurses. Shira... or She-Ra, I'm not sure what she said. But she's tiny and seems unimportant. So probably not She-Ra. And Holly... oh, Holly...

She gets out of the limo with a crazy hat that is supposed to be a clue as to where she's from. Ben immediately guesses Kentucky. She looks deflated. Well, not literally...

But still, she seems bummed Ben guessed right away. I guess she missed seeing his family on Ashley's season. Surely his fancy family are into horse racing and quite familiar with the traditions of the Kentucky Derby. I bet Mitzy and Bitzy have their own milliner. (That's fancy talk for "hat maker".) Holly goes on explaining that Kentucky is known for fast horses and beautiful women. And also bourbon. Which I'm sure Ben wishes he were drinking right about now.

Then there's Blakeley. Her caption says she is a VIP cocktail waitress. I assume this means "stripper".

Next, Sheryl gets out of the limo. Sheryl is 72 and on crutches. I can't help but wonder how many women watching actually went "Awww! How sweet! They finally put an old lady on the show!" Of course, these are probably the same women who actually think the Bachelor/ette is not on the show to promote his/her career and will actually find true, lasting, stable love after 6-ish weeks of non-exclusive dating. Anyway, Sheryl's actual purpose is to introduce Ben to her granddaughter, Brittney.

Some more ladies exit limos. Nicki, the divorced dental hygienist that I think I like despite her crazy eyes. Dianna, who got the giggles and couldn't talk - all while wearing a fairly unflattering white dress. Jennifer, a CPA with magenta hair. And Lyndsie the Diplomat.

Lyndsie explains to Ben that she is a dork. Just a dork. Then proceeds to read him a poem she wrote. It went a little something like this:

A London lass, living in the states, had been on many disastrous first dates. All she's really looking for is something quite simple: someone that can make her laugh and won't make fun of her butt chin dimple. She's searching for her partner in crime. Someone she can travel the world with and share lots of wine. So here I am, hoping to find my knight in shining armor. Hopefully I'll find it in this gorgeous grape farmer.

You're welcome.

Next up, Anna... who walks right by Ben, cuts her eyes, doesn't say a word, and walks on in the mansion. Ben thought that was "bold" and "awesome". Ben's a weird guy.

Like, 5 more women come in. Boooooring. Last but not least, is that the sound of hooves I hear in the distance?!

Why, yes it is! Linzer Torte gallops in, mounted upon a regal steed. Or whatever. She tells Ben the horse's name is "First Impression Rose". The horse's name is actually Levi. Sorry, Levi.

Courtney/Kristen Stewart looks at the camera and says "Screw you and the horse you rode in on". Seriously, she's aw~~ful~~esome.

Okay, Cocktail Party time. The ladies are already three sheets to the wind and start chatting it up with Ben.

Rachel, who isn't 27, has some weird, affected accent that changes throughout her conversation. And an overbite. She tells Ben she left her job to come on the show. Clearly she's a pro at making good decisions.

Nicki likes that Ben is so real. And genuine. Real AND genuine? This reminds me of a time Best Friend Dena heard someone say "bubbly and effervescent". We still laugh about it. Why? Because those words mean essentially the same thing and we're snobs about repetition. And redundancy. It's a real and genuine thing that bothers us. Anyway, back to Nicki... she's one of those "everything happens for a reason" people. Maybe I don't like her after all. Or maybe I do. I'm sure whether I do or don't like her is exactly what was supposed to happen.

Next up, Lindzer Torte talks more about horses. She tells Ben she used to ride to make a living. Now she works to ride. Hey everyone, remember Tristan - the 8th grade boy who lives in my head and makes inappropriate jokes? Well, he's in 9th grade now... and he found her comment to be particularly funny. "He he... she said 'ride'..."

Ben then chats it up with Brittney and Granny. Granny is so, so proud of Brittney. So proud. Though, if the rumors I've heard about Brittney are true, Granny may have to retract that statement. After their conversation, Ben walks Granny to the car. She even cries in the limo. Not because she got dumped, but because she's so, so proud of Brittney.

Let's see, what else? Ben kicks a soccer ball around with Shawn - who is wearing a super bright green dress and has a Kim Kardashian booty. Then he talks to Blakeley about her forearm tattoo. So, like I said, stripper. Elyse makes him do push ups. Kacie teaches line dancing. The girl in the ill-fitting white dress blindfolds him and makes him guess what kind of candy she's feeding him. Yeah, I don't know why either.

Emily raps. That's right. Raps. Not only is she about to be a doctor of disease, but she's a songwriter. And now I totally get why my husband has forbidden me - and all white girls - to rap. All you need to know about the rap is that it began "Love is like a disease, always spreading. You can get it from a friend, you can get it at a wedding..." and then went on to use words like "infected", "fever", and "quarantine". Wow - she really knows how to turn a guy on. Rap about communicable diseases. Hey, Emily, what rhymes with "herpes"?

Oh, remember Courtney/Kristen Stewart? She tells Ben something he said last season really struck a chord with her. And what was it? "I'm available". Profound, huh? I guess all Courtney Stewart looks for in a man is that he be available. I'm not sure if that means unmarried or just having a pulse or what, but at least she has some standards. Also, she interrupts Ben to tell him she likes his hair. It's the second time she did that. But at least she's not vain, right?

Amongst all this meeting and greeting, Jenna (the owl-napping blogger) gets into it with a girl called Monica. Monica admits that she didn't feel some sort of epic attraction to Ben within moments of meeting him. Jenna concludes Monica is there for the wrong reasons. On one hand, Jenna is probably right. Monica takes a break from their argument to hit on Blakeley, the cocktail stripper. And not like "You have pretty hair"... like full-on almost making out kind of stuff. But, on the other hand, Jenna is crying about the whole thing. Like, full-on meltdown.

Rachel pulls Monica off Blakeley and attempts to mediate the situation with Jenna. Jenna is all "Why don't you like me?" Monica is like "I don't even know you." They repeat this a few times. Monica tries to assure Jenna that they are on the same terms and are both women. At this point, I'm confused. Is she hitting on Jenna too? Jenna, however, says "Yeah, maybe we can share a tampon sometime". WHAT!?!?!

First of all, GROSS!!! I don't even like it when someone says "Can I borrow a tampon/tissue/Band-Aid?" No, you may not. You may, however, keep it and dispose of it properly when you are done. Please, make no effort to return it to me. Though, I have to wonder what kind of rap Dr. Emily would have come up with had she heard about Jenna's offer. Because THAT seems like a good way to spread disease.

Jenna goes on to continue her breakdown in the bathroom. Who knows. Maybe it's that time of the month and she really did need a tampon. Or, more likely, she's just owl poop crazy.

Somewhere in this disgusting exchange, Ben manages to give out the First Impression Rose... to Linzer Torte. He specifies that it's not because she rode in on a horse, but I don't believe him.

Finally, at LONG last, it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison steps in to do his weekly exercise in subtraction:

"Uh, 25 girls... 1 rose already... 17 left... carry the one... no, take one away from the two and give it to the five, so 15... um, so there's like 7 girls who aren't getting roses or something..."

Once again, I've been given a special psychic ability that allows me to know what the Bachelor/ette was thinking as they handed out the roses. Sweet, right?!

Jamie: Yeah, that's a nice red dress. And by "red dress", I mean "cleavage". Here's a rose!

Rachel: I think it's nice you care enough about me to lie about your age.
Blakeley: You were too busy showing me your forearm tattoo and I didn't get to ask if you were a hooker. I'm really curious. So I'm keeping you around until I can ask. For a friend, of course.
Emily: You rap like crap... but you carry Purell... that'll come in handy so I don't catch something from one of these hoochies and start to swell...
Kacie B: Um, nice. Southern. Whatever.
Kacey S: Dressed like a vampire. Same name as the other Kacie. Just easier to keep both.
Brittney: Your grandma said she'd make me a pie if I kept you.
Erika: Your dress is kind of slutty. I dig that in a girl.
Shawn: I like big butts and I cannot lie...
Nicki: Here's a rose. Because everything happens for a reason...
Jennifer: Can I call you Magenta Hair?
Elyse: I fear you can beat me up...
Samantha: No one puts Miss Pacific Palisades in the corner.
Courtney: A model who acts kind of wanky? Heck yes you can stay!
Jaclyn: Your Boston accent is wicked awesome. Okay, not really, but you might have ties to an Irish mafia and I don't want to risk it.
Monica: My producer said the husbands forced to watch this show by their wives would appreciate a little girl-on-girl and that I had to keep you.

Oh, look, Chris is back to state the obvious... one rose left. Gee, I wonder who it will be. Surely someone stable, right?

Nope.

Jenna: Because crazy and crying on the first night all but guarantees you a ticket to the second round!

Aww, that means it's time to say goodbye to a few ladies. Amber, for example, who guesses Ben just doesn't like Canadian Bacon as much as he likes "needy, cry-y, whiny girls". And Dianna who force-fed him candy. Anna, who walked right by him out of the limo, gets to keep on walking. Amber has the biggest exit interview meltdown. She wonders what she did wrong. I assume it had something to do with her dress and manly features, but that's just a guess. And, of course, the British girl. Apparently diplomatic immunity doesn't cover cheesy poems on reality dating shows.

The night ends with about 10 minutes of previews for the rest of the season. Don't worry, it's got all the requisite making out, name calling, crying, medical emergencies, and returns of a former contestant that you would want. Oh, and skinny dipping.

So, there you have it. Week 1 in the books. And also on the radio. Yep, I'm back on the B98 this season to recap the hoopla. The link to this week's recap is HERE.

[Please note: A) I wasn't awake yet and said no one went home, and then was like "Wait, except for the 7 girls who went home". B) This link will only work for a week. After that, the station takes it down and puts up the new recap. I'm working on saving them, but haven't figured it out yet.]

And finally, lest you think my life as a unpaid Bachelor blogger with a 6:30AM radio segment is super glamorous, my husband took this picture of me "in action". I've labeled the photo so you too can acquire the skills / items necessary to become a mediocre recapper who is too lazy to walk across the room to take pictures of the TV. Again, you're welcome.

In case you were wondering how my afternoon went...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 23:08:00 +0000

I have no delusions of becoming the next Hyperbole and a Half but, pictures being worth a thousand words and all, I thought it might be easier to just show you how my day went...

You know what would be awesome? If it was the only time this had happened rather than just the most recent. And also if I actually had the hair or body type I seem to have drawn for myself in the last picture.

Christmas Card: 2011 edition

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 17:09:00 +0000

After some debate and many, many whistles, jingling keys, and the like to get furry family members to look at the camera, we finally got our Christmas cards made and mailed. As it's really the only part of Christmas I enjoy, I'm always pretty excited to share our cards with everyone.

If I wasn't able to send you one in the mail, please accept my electronic wishes...

Though last year's "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" pose from the cat was pretty fantastic, this year she agreed not to maul me if I would agree not to put a silly hat on her head. Deal.

And, for my 2012 New Year's Resolution... no new pets. Seriously, it's becoming difficult to find a card with enough spots!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Language Barrier (AKA You can't wear a sled on your head!)

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:31:00 +0000

My occasional confusion between my Northern roots and my Southern residence has been well documented. Like when I became offended because I thought "pole cat" was a racial slur. (In fact, it's a skunk.) Or when I couldn't understand how a dry county could butt up against a wet one. I mean, if it rained here, why wouldn't it rain a few miles away? (In fact, a dry county just doesn't sell alcohol.)

Almost 15 years in, I expected I'd have a better handle on things. But, as recently as yesterday, I thought "hoecake" was just someone trying to type "hotcake" on their iPhone. (In fact, it's a cornmeal pancake. And it has nothing to do with the culinary preferences for women of ill repute.)

And let's just talk about the hybrid vocabulary I've developed. And can't keep straight. You remember that regional dialect quiz that came out a few years ago? I confound the thing. Part of my answers say "Southern" part say "Great Lakes" or "Chicago area". I've taken it several times and which part I favored varies wildly.

Another challenge? I'm married to the epitome of a Southern boy. We often have a language barrier to cross. Sometimes we just don't understand each other's pronunciation. Other times, it's the actual word being used. For example:

Me: The neighbors are having a rummage sale.

Him: A what?

Me: You know, where you put your crap outside and people stop and buy it.

Him: A yard sale? That's a yard sale.

Him: This one time, some kids rolled a house...

Me: How? Like a mobile home?

Him: What?

Me: I mean, you can't just roll a house unless it's on wheels or something.

Him: No, they rolled it. At night. They threw toilet paper in all the trees.

Me: They TP'ed it!

Him: No. They aren't Indians.

Me: I can't remember the Arkansas word for the road alongside the main road. Is it an access road or a frontage road?
Him: Why is this so important? You ask EVERY time we see one.

Me: I don't know. It just is. So which one is it?
Him: I can't remember either. You've gotten me so confused...

Me: How do we say "roof" down here? Because in Illinois everyone says either "rooooof" or "ruff" and everyone is Arkansas says it the other way.

Him: It's "roooof". "Ruff" is what a dog says.

It's not just limited to my husband and me, of course. My friends notice too. Icing vs. Frosting has come up a few times. I've been called out for saying "gym shoes" instead of "tennis shoes". And, yeah, yeah, I know I put an L in the word "both". (Illinois friends, try it... you just said "bolth", didn't you? I know! I had no idea we did that! Kind of like how people from Wisconsin don't realize they put a G in state's name. Wiz-GON-sin.)

Still, for the most part, I can laugh at the regional differences. I can use context clues to figure out what people are talking about. I can bite my Yankee tongue when a Southerner tells me about the "welp" on their arm. (In fact, it's "welt".) But... BUT... there is one thing I just can't get on board with... and this is the prime time of year for the debate.

I feel strongly enough about this that I made picture. Please, take note...

Seriously, The South, this has to stop. Every time I hear someone say they got a new toboggan, I picture a sled. But, lo and behold, people here use it to mean hat or stocking cap. This baffles me. BAFFLES ME!

Look, this isn't about who won the war or how stupid it sounds when people order "pop" about a restaurant. It's about winter words. Common logic dictates that we defer to the North when it comes to winter knowledge. Just like the North should defer to the South when it comes to bacon or whisky or hospitality. Please, just trust me on this one. You sled down a hill on a toboggan. You don't wear it on your head. I mean, yeah, when you're going back up the hill, you might carry it overhead in the same way you carry a canoe, but you don't WEAR it on your head. No one goes to Walmart with a sled on their head. And believe me, if it was going to happen somewhere, it would be at Walmart.

I love the South. I really do. It's full of sweet tea and glorious fried deliciousness and SEC football and Jesus and many other things that make my heart happy. I've learned so much here. All I ask is that you let me teach you this one thing. A toboggan is a sled. Period.

But really, is it access road or frontage road? Or service road? I'm so confused...

Movie Review: Breaking Dawn

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:41:00 +0000

For the first time since the Twlight movies began, I didn't see the most recent one (Breaking Dawn) the weekend it opened. Or the following weekend. Or until just a few days ago. But, I assume most of the die-hard "Don't tell me a thing that happens" fans have already seen it by now and those waiting for the DVD don't care too much... so I can tell you what I thought without being too worried about spoiling things for someone.

If you've been reading my blog since the beginning, you might remember me being all "TWILIGHT ROCKS!" and then stepping back from that as time passed. Kind of like how I was so excited about the first movie when I saw it in the theater. But hated it by the time the DVD came around. Anyway, I do like the books. I do not like the movies as much. I always think I do and then I don't. And, after giving it some thought, it's not like my feelings towards Harry Potter. With HP, I love love love the books so much... and I love love the movies. The only thing that keeps the movies from getting that third love is that they do make some changes to the books that weren't necessary and I don't like that. But, overall, I've loved all the books and movies. Twilight, not so much.

Okay, back to Breaking Dawn. For a lot of people, it was their least favorite book in the series. I, however, did like it. I thought the ending fizzled and I thought Jacob imprinting on Nessie was a bit of a cop-out, but all in all, I liked it.

But the movie? I'm not sure. I don't think I liked it. But I don't think I didn't like it. Confused? Me too.

There were quite a few differences from the book... but I've come to expect that with this series. Throughout the movie, they weren't that bad (the wedding outside instead of in their house, Irina coming, stuff with Jacob's pack...) but the last 20 minutes or so, whoa. The birth scene (which wasn't as graphic as I expected) where Bella's all but dead... Edward hands her the baby and they snuggle and giggle and whatnot. Then she "crashes" and he starts injecting her with venom. Um, dude, your wife is dying. Rapidly. Maybe get straight to the venom stabbing. And then, soon after that, with the wolf fight outside the house? What the...

But the thing that struck me the most was how cheesy some stuff came off. Now, if you're not a Twi-hard, I know you're thinking "Lady! They are ALL cheesy!!" but, for the most part, I haven't found them any cheesier than a lot of sci-fi / fantasy type movies. But this one? Hmm...

For example, when Jacob refuses to bow to Sam and eventually breaks off as the true Alpha... in the book, I know they were in wolf form, but I still heard it with just normal Jacob and Sam voices. No biggie. In the movie, their voices are (well, I don't know the fancy sound effect-y term) all echoy and deep and fake sounding. It just made it bizarre. I leaned over to my mom (who hasn't read the books) and said "This didn't seem as corny in the book." She made a "Well, that's good... because it's corny here" face.

Still, I could put ALL of that aside and enjoy the movie had it not been for one crucial piece that was left out.

You know on the honeymoon... the morning after... Bella wakes up covered in feathers. She says "Why am I covered in feathers?" and Edward says "I bit a pillow." COME ON! That part was awesome, right?! Yeah, it's not in the movie. I mean, she wakes up with, like, 3 feathers on her and never mentions it. WHAT?! KILLING ME!!!

(Oh, and a word about the honeymoon... apparently a lot of parents were up in arms about it. Let me just say that I thought it was in keeping with a PG-13 movie. Sure, it's a lot more hinted at in the book whereas it's shown in the movie... but it's not porn. It wasn't anything worse than a TV drama. Not as bad as a soap opera. If people don't want their kids to see something of that nature, I totally respect that. But if you let your kid watch Grey's Anatomy, then they've already seen way more than Breaking Dawn will show them.)

And finally, how was Kristen Stewart? Awful. As per usual. Though, I've got to say, watching her portray an almost-corpse was pretty much like watching her give an interview on TV. So, at least she's consistent.

Bottom line: If you haven't seen it in the theater by now, just go ahead and wait for the DVD. I give it a C. It was just that... average. At least Jackson Rathbone keeps getting hotter and hotter.

Pinterest Tutorial

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:31:00 +0000

There was a time when I regularly posted things to my blog. Lately, I've been kind of a slacker. Yet, in most of my recent posts, I've managed to work in the cause of said slacking... PINTEREST!

I used to think Facebook would be the biggest digital time suck ever created. I was wrong. Pinterest takes the cake. Plus, it has far fewer ultrasound pictures, so that's a plus. (Oh, Facebook... you know I still love you!) Anyway, it's been described as fantasy football for girls. I want to argue, but it's true.
If you haven't jumped on the bandwagon yet, it's hard to explain Pinterest. It's kind of like Google image searching "Awesome" and then finding a plethora of design ideas, DIY projects, funny quotes and sayings, adorable animals, tasty recipes, and on and on and on. You pin the things you like... basically bookmark them so you can either show them off to your friends or, ideally, come back to them later and actually use the idea. But, by now, most of you probably already have that part figured out.

What comes next is that you get one of your friends to invite you (seriously, just ask a friend - me, for example - to send you an invite rather than waiting weeks for Pinterest to send you one) and then you have that "Okay, now what?" moment.

That's where my nerdiness kicked in. In my rarely-discussed day job, I am a corporate trainer. Part of that means I make training materials, instructional guides, etc. So when a few people started asking me what to do on Pinterest, I made a guide. Only, unlike the ones I have to make for work, this one was actually fun. For me, anyway. It's probably lame. But I'm lame. So lame = fun.

After sharing it with some friends and them claiming it was relatively helpful, I've decided to share it with you. Keep in mind it's a far cry from the technical mumbo-jumbo I'm used to writing and actually knowledgeable about... but hopefully this will get you on your way to the pinning fun! (This guide begins with the assumption you've already figured out how to sign up and log in. If you can't get to that step ~~I can't help you,~~ um, email me.)

And one last thing before we get to the guide...

*************************

Step 1: Exploring

When you initially log in, under the Pinterest banner, you'll see Pinners You Follow in bold. That is your current view. Of course, this means you need to be following things.

Pinterest can search your Facebook / Twitter contacts to help you find people you already know. Or, if you come across someone with interesting pins, you can click on their name / photo at the bottom of their pin. You'll be taken to their page and see all their boards. Determine if you want to follow everything they post, or just specific boards.

Once you've followed several boards, you will have that initial "News feed" feel like Facebook when you first log in. I always take a few minutes to scroll through, see what my friends are up to, and repin, comment, or like their items. From there, however, I spend most of my time on more broad searches.

Use the navigation links under the header.

The Everything category can be a little overwhelming or it can be awesome. It's unfiltered, so it's a complete mashup of everything Pinterest has to offer. Depending on my mood, sometimes I really enjoy the randomness. Other times, I have something specific in mind and I use categories to get more filtered results. (If you have a really, really specific item in mind, you can use the search bar to just look for pins / boards containing that word.)

When you first start playing with Pinterest, spend a little time just exploring. Until you have an idea of what's out there, I think it's kind of hard to envision what boards and pins you want to create for yourself.

Step Two: Your Boards

When you sign up, Pinterest provides you with 5 boards: Products I Love, Favorite Places & Spaces, Books Worth Reading, My Style, and For The Home. You'll see that most people have renamed these boards and added others. I renamed all of mine to be more "me". Below is my recipe / food board. No clue what it was called before. (Probably My Style, he he he ) To rename a board, just click Edit. You'll get options for the board's title, description, and category. Fill in what you want, then save the settings.

Boards are a work in progress. I set up a few initially and I've added several more as I've gone along. Like anything else, some people are going to have one or two boards where they pin everything. (Those people clearly don't have OCD like me.) Other people go to the opposite end of the spectrum and have tons of highly-specific boards. I aim for middle ground… specific enough that people who want to follow only some of my boards have a good idea of what the content will be, but not so many that anyone who follows all my boards will be like "Dude. Chill out with the boards, already."

Step Three: Pinning

Yes, pinning is the whole point and I'm just now getting to it. But, I'm a firm believer that setting things up correctly on the front end (ahem, Facebook privacy settings) and only needing occasional maintenance is a lot easier than just jumping in all willy-nilly and realizing later that you have no idea what you're doing or that you've made a big mess and it's not fun.

But, finally, you've seen what's out there, you've gotten some ideas of what you want to pin… now, let's pin!

Is this little dog the cutest thing you've ever seen and you can't live without being able to find him quickly at a future date? If so, pin him!

Clicking Repin will give you the option to put this on one of your boards. Clicking Like will "tag" the item so you can find it later, but it won't appear on your boards and your followers won't see it on their Pinners I Follow screen.

Note: You can click on your name in the top right corner at any time to go to your home page. You'll have a link there to click to see anything you have liked.

But you want to pin this pup… so click Repin.

Choose the board you want. (At the bottom of your list of boards will be an option for Create New Board if you need that.)

Edit the description. On one hand, Pinterest is a place for me to tag things I want to reference later. If it's something I need for later, I want to make sure I remember what it is when I come back to it. "Yum" probably won't remind me that it was a recipe for Nutella banana bread. Then there's also a social aspect where I want to show my friends what I'm interested in and why. If it's a pin I'm "showing off" or just really like, I want to convey why. The only time I leave the last person's description is if the pin has a "story" to go with it or if they previous pinner already came up with the perfect caption.

Once you've got the info how you want it… PIN IT!!

YAY!

UPDATE: As mentioned in the comments to this post, it's a good idea to open a pin before you repin it. There should be a link to the source. That should take you to the original site where the item was posted. This is where you'll find the full article and, ideally, proper credit for the ideas, pictures, etc. Source links are important and courteous. But they are sometimes wrong. Follow the link; make sure it goes where it's supposed to. If you find that you had to hunt around a blog or other site to find the material, consider creating a new pin (see below for the Pin It button) that goes directly to the source so others won't have to go through same headache.

Step Four: Repeat

Keep exploring. Keep pinning. Look up and realize you've been sitting at the computer for 4 hours. Repeat.

Decide you can't only pin things while you're at the computer. What about when you're waiting in the doctor's office or at a red light? So, install the smartphone app.

Conclude that the stuff on Pinterest is awesome, but there's still awesome stuff other places and why, oh, why can't it be on Pinterest, too? So, install the Pin It button.

Under the About drop down, there's an option for this button. It will add the button to your toolbar. If you're on another site and see something you want to pin, well, pin it. I'm not going to into details about exactly how to install and work the button. It's pretty straightforward. It's also available on the phone app, but I haven't quite gotten that sorted out yet on my iPhone.

When you're ready to get fancier and more interactive, Pinterest uses the concept of hashtags and @ mentions like Twitter. If you want to categorize something, you could add a # to the description. #dog will turn into a link. If clicked, other doggy pins will show up. If you want to mention a friend in the description of a pin, type the @ then begin typing their user name. A drop down will give you the option to pick the name you want. When finished, that person will be notified that you mentioned them in a pin. (If you come across something that you don't want to pin but you want to make sure a friend sees, just comment on the pin and @ mention your friend. "Hey, @Jane Doe, did you see this?")

Finally, the Help section is actually helpful. I am sure I've just scratched the surface and even gotten details wrong. The Help section will be glad to straighten it out for you.

And, voila, that's the basics of Pinterest. If you've come across any other cool tricks or info to pass on to fellow Pinterest junkies, please share them below.

Laundry is for the dogs!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:22:00 +0000

Last week, several of our household appliances staged a revolt. First, the big chest freezer turned itself off. Well, the ground fault plug in thingy (yes, that's the technical term) got tripped somehow, shutting off freezer. Of course, why would I notice this until who knows how long later? So, everything in the freezer - gone. Then, the next day, the satellite receiver stopped working. On a Saturday. During college football season. I was out of town, but got routine texts from my husband. "The satellite shut off." "Never mind, it's back on." "It shut off again! There's a game on!" "It's back on. Arkansas scored!" "It's off again! $(%&@!" And, before long, it was just completely kaput! Then, a day or two after that, the dryer quit drying. Not surprising, since we bought it 8 years ago and it was a cheap off-brand. Or since we've already had to fix a few things on it.

The freezer was obviously the least problematic. Push in the little reset button... good to go. The satellite receiver wasn't too bad either. We lease the equipment, so Dish put a new one in the mail to us at no charge. Whew! Three days without TV and losing everything saved on the DVR... annoying but not catastrophic. But the dryer...

Official diagnosis? Death of the heating element. The cost to replace the heating element was almost a third of what we paid for the dryer. Not that that was a lot, but it just didn't seem wise to keep putting money into an appliance that wasn't worth much to begin with. My brother-in-law had a dryer sitting in storage that he said we could buy off of him. That seemed like a great plan. Except, of course, I Googled...

I have had a love / hate relationship with my washer and dryer from the get-go. Laundry is my least favorite chore anyway, but neither machine was particularly efficient, even in its prime. As they got older, the chore became more and more of a chore. So, I figured what could it hurt to just look at a few websites and see if any front-loaders happened to be on sale? Okay, fine, this is something I do several times a year. I already had a good idea of what I wanted.

As it turned out, one of the models I'd had my eye on was on sale... $400 off the pair! (Thanks, Veterans!) And 18 months interest-free financing. And IN STOCK! But, like I could even convince David to go for this.

Except, I did! Well, it didn't take much convincing. He actually agreed that it make sense to replace them with more efficient models and, once I showed him what we would need to pay each month in order to have them paid off in 18 months, he was on board.

So, that's how Ben and Ellie joined our family. Yes, David named the washer and dryer. After Benelli... the shotgun he would have rather purchased with that money. But shotguns don't wash your underwear, so...

All that to say that nearly a week without easy access to laundry is very disruptive to a family. Luckily, we were able to wash some basics at my sister's house. And, sure, there's a laundromat in town had it come to that. But, when you've had laundry in your house for years and suddenly don't, it's a pain. We generate an obscene amount of laundry for 2 people. Add 3 dogs and their blankets and the towels required as 1 of the dogs isn't quite getting the hang of house training.... and you've got a mountain of laundry. I spent all day Saturday washing load after load.

While I was in front-loader heaven, the fur children were less enthused.

Bruiser freaked the freak out the first time I started up the washer.

He stood there and whined and barked until I finally had to kick him out of the room.

As I worked my way through the backlog of clothes, Bruiser wore himself out whining at the laundry room door. Finally, he had to take a break.

Why, yes! He is perched on a pile of clean clothes. Awesome.

I shooed him away and went back to the laundry room.

So he decided to hide IN the pile of clothes. Super!

And, just as I thought we'd gotten the pile of laundry and the puppy hoopla under control, Maize decided to join in the fun.

That's right. The highly trained police K9 perched herself on an ottoman full of clean clothes. Now I know why I'm covered in dog fur all the time.

Luckily, the puppy can't jump up on the furniture yet. But, don't worry, he managed to "help" with the chores, too...

So, there you have it. Mass appliance suicide and dogs determined to undo any chore we manage to get done... this is why I'm crazy!!

Oh, and thank you for not pointing out that, in every case, we took a picture of the pets before removing them from whatever they were destroying. Because, come on, how are you not going to take a picture of a dog in a dishwasher!?

And the winners are...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 18:37:00 +0000

Congratulations to Lou Anne, Sarah, and Mandy for winning my Shutterfly holiday card giveaway!!

Ladies, I'll email you the codes this afternoon. Everyone else, thanks for signing up. Maybe I'll have more cool stuff to give away in the future.

(And in case you're like me and just have to know how I arrived at the number of entries... I subtracted one of the comments, which was actually a reply from me. So, that left 14. Then I had two people show me proof they posted about the giveaway, but they didn't leave a comment. I went ahead and counted that. So, 14 + 2 = 16 eligible entries. Whew. I really do have a compulsive need to explain myself, don't I?)

I Don't Care {Guest Post}

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 19:29:00 +0000

Today I'm doing something I don't recall having done before. I mean, it's entirely possible I've done it, like, 12 times and just don't remember. Like the number of times I put the clothes in the dryer and then return an hour later to find they are still sopping wet because I forgot to actually turn on the dryer, but I digress...

Today I'm posting something someone else wrote. I don't think I've had a "guest poster" here before. ~~Mostly I'm afraid you'll like them better and abandon me.~~ But a friend of mine posted a note on Facebook today and I immediately asked her if I could repost it.

So, I'm taking a break from my usual snark and chaos to share Mandy's words, which I found to be poignant and definitely something I needed to hear. They are from a perspective different from my own. She's a mother and a nurse. Her specific struggles aren't the same as mine. But the overwhelming pressure and self-doubt are something I think most of us can relate to. And her decision to push past those things and say "I don't care" is significant. Not "I don't care" in an angry, bitter sense, but in an empowered "I'm just trying to be the best I can be and if that's not good enough for you, too bad" sense. We all need that moment. Or, at least in my case, probably need it 20 times a day.

I don't care. This statement can mean a number of things, either positive or negative. Most people might think it means someone has given up hope, or that a person is indecisive. But in my case, it is the opposite. For the first time in my life, I don't care, and here is why:

**1. I have never been "popular" and I probably never will be, and I DON'T CARE. I have a small circle of people in my life that I love and love me, and they are real, genuine people who love me even with all my imperfections. I've spent a good portion of my life wishing I was popular, so I could be part of the "inner circle". But I have realized you create your own inner circle, with people you love for who they are, not what they are, and they love you for the same reasons.
**2. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and I DON'T CARE. My whole life I have beat myself up because I thought I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough, or good enough in anything I have ever done. I am real, with real feelings. I am overweight, I always have been. But I have been focused on how I look, sometimes overlooking the fact that I have been blessed with good health. Should I exercise more? Of course. I want to set a good example to my kids about exercising to be healthy, not just to attain that elusive 6 pack. The cliche "Nobody is perfect" is a cliche, but oh how true it is. I do believe we should strive to be perfect in whatever we do, but let's face it, it is impossible to achieve perfection and expect to remain there. I don't want to beat myself up anymore because I'm not a "hot" mom, or my house isn't perfect (aka a mess), or that my kids didn't make honor roll. My house is a mess, my roots are showing, and my kids are not gifted, they are average and you know what? I don't care... (I love my kids no matter what, my house is lived in, and gray happens...)
**3. I am not always politically correct, and I DON'T CARE. I would never intentionally hurt someone's feeling, though I am sure I have, and that I am sorry for. I don't believe in being rude, but I am no longer going to apologize for who I am. I have opinions, and I have a right those opinions. There have been times I had an opinion, but kept my mouth shut for fear of offending someone. If I offend you, it is not intentional. But I have a right to my own opinion just as much as the next person. The older I get, the harder it is to offend me. Some topics may get me fired up, and I am entitled to voice my opinions on those topics, just as the people are who have ideas different than mine. And you know what? I love to laugh and joke about stuff, and some of the stuff that I find funny might offend some. But like I said, I would never intentionally hurt someone, and I have just a word of advice to those people. Lighten up and have a good laugh, even if it's at yourself. If you can't laugh at yourself, learn to, immediately.
**4. I get paid by the hour, I don't get to travel around the world on business, and my work wardrobe consists of whatever happens to be clean when I get up at 10:20pm... and I DON'T CARE. I am a nurse, and I am extremely proud of that. I've had probably every bodily fluid imaginable splattered on me, and as long as I have access to gloves and a shower, I'm okay with that. I love the nurses I work with- they all work their tails off and can still crack a joke at the end of the day (or night), and most of the time, I love the work I do. There are crappy shifts at times. And nurses get dumped on by difficult patients and difficult doctors, usually undeservingly. So when I hear someone complaining about how the nurses were awful or how a nurse did this or that I always stand up for those nurses. Are there bad nurses out there in the world? Of course. But I firmly believe the majority have their patient's best interests in mind. And until you have worked a shift in a hospital short staffed, with 5 labors, a level 2 baby, and a patient on the verge of coding who refuses to be transferred, stressed out has a whole new meaning. I am EXTREMELY proud to be a nurse.
** I will stop here. ... I wrote it for myself, so those times when I start feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't included in something, or I start to feel inadequate for having mountains of laundry, I will go back and read it, and hopefully remember how I was feeling the day I wrote it.

See?! I told you it was good. Fear not, I'm already working on her to start her own blog. Oh, and don't let her kid you too much... she's totally the hot mom!

Giveaway extended

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:53:00 +0000

I've extended the deadline for my giveaway until Wednesday night at 10PM. Because I'm crazy generous like that.

Seriously, it's not hard. None of that "Stand on your head, tweet this 4 times, then sacrifice a chicken to be entered" kind of stuff.

ENTER HERE

Time to order Christmas cards already? Yep. (Giveaway included)

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:40:00 +0000

Okay, I know I have that whole "One holiday at a time" thing where it annoys me when people act like Halloween and Thanksgiving don't exist because they are in such a hurry for Christmas? Well, I stand firmly by that. With one exception...

Christmas cards

While I see absolutely no reason a card should be put in the mail before December 1st, it's perfectly acceptable to order them in advance. Granted, I don't order them in July like, ahem, some people I know... but this time of year? Prime ordering time.

The last few years, I've gotten my Christmas cards from Shutterfly. I've also used them for photo books and other types of cards. I'm not one to brag on specific companies or post reviews or anything like that very much. I find it takes away from the unbridled snarkiness I aim for on this blog. But, I love them enough to do it anyway.

After all, do you remember the super cool card I made last year?

It was a pretty big hit. Mostly because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a cat that clearly wants to end you. This year? We've added yet another furry monster to the family, so I guess we'll need something with 6 photos. Or, in the holiday spirit, perhaps we'll give Mama Cat a reprieve from the photo shoot.

Anyway, for the really awesome part...

I've got three... THREE... promos codes to give away for 25 free cards from Shutterfly.

And, because I'm lazy, you don't have to do anything super complicated to enter.

Just visit Shutterfly, look at their holiday cards, and leave me a comment telling me which is your favorite. **Bonus entry: Share this post on Facebook and/or Twitter using the link: http://goo.gl/sCo0t and leave separate comments letting me know you did.**

Of course I'd love for you to follow my blog and like my Facebook page and send me cookies and stuff, but that won't make any difference for this giveaway.

Enter by 10:00PM CST Sunday, Nov. 6th. I'll announce the winners the following day.

Fine print: Shutterfly provided me with the promo codes to share with you. All the nice stuff I said about them was of my own accord.

How to Nap Like a Champ

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 14:54:00 +0000

Step 1: Find someone to support your back

Step 2: Stretch as far as you can

Step 3: Kick your legs straight into the air

Step 4: Snore

Halloween... a little early

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 13:30:00 +0000

We did Halloween a little early this year. Probably because Christmas keeps encroaching on all the other holidays and we've got to squeeze it in while we can. Okay, not really. But that was my way of passively-aggressively reminding people to chill out with the Christmas already and enjoy the fall holidays. Like Halloween.

Anyway, some people from church had a costume party and cook out. It's the first costume party I've been to in, um, maybe ever. (Not counting when I was a kid. Or maybe then. I don't really remember.)

Finding a costume for an adult that is NOT adult is ridiculously hard. You can basically choose from witch, giant banana, or any manner of stripper costumes parading as Dorothy, a cop, or anything else that can be skanked up. Seriously, why do so many people want to be naked at Halloween? Moving along...

The best choice was to put something together myself. And, the clear choice for idea-gathering was - of course - Pinterest. (PS: I'm thinking of posting a Pinterest tutorial I made for a friend. Do it? Yes? No?)

After much debate...I came up with this:

Because, seriously, who doesn't love Flo from Progressive? Ok, ok, I just wanted a reason to yell "UNICORNS AND GLITTER!" and call people "Big Money" all night.

While I had some initial concerns over whether or not I'd be able to tease my hair high enough (BumpIt-free, by the way), I ended up pretty happy with how it came together. And, while he declined to let me post photographic evidence, the police officer hubby went as an inmate. You know, because it's the opposite of a cop.

My Pinterest inspiration didn't stop at Flo. I also got the ideas for both of the foods I took. First, some Rice Krispie cupcakes.

And, then, because I couldn't just take plain, ol' guacamole...

I know, I know. I'm classy. With a k. (But it was gone before I even got through the line, so I'm guessing pumpkin barf is a delicacy in some parts. Fortunately, the parts where I was.)

All in all, very happy with early Halloween. I'll probably put it back on next Monday to hand out candy to the neighborhoodlums. After all, once you've been Flo, everything else is just flat hair and regular-sized name tags.

"But it looked so easy on Pinterest!"

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:02:00 +0000

I've been decorating cakes now for the better part of a decade. (Wow! Has it been that long? Almost 8 years, I guess... which is, in fact, the better part of a decade.) I've taken classes, worked with other decorators, and learned the best way to do something after about a bajillion attempts at the worst way. Am I the greatest cake decorator ever? Not at all. But I've got a pretty good handle on how to do things. (Or when to say "Yeah, that's above my skill level. You better call Kelli Marks.)

What sometimes wears on my nerves is when someone finds a picture of a cake online and I suggest a few things that might need to be done differently and they aren't cool with it. What people don't realize about pictures of cakes online is that sometimes it's not cake at all... it's Styrofoam covered in a special non-edible "icing" that gets rock hard and can be sanded smooth. Or that the cake they want probably cost $5,000 and took days to make. But then there's "Well, the website said they did it this way..." Um, okay. That might work, or it might fall over. Let me tell you how I suggest we do it. In every one of those (fortunately not that frequent) conversations, I've heard myself say "It's not as easy as they make it look online."

Believe it or not, this post actually has nothing to do with cake. I just needed to tell you a really long story so I could get to the "It's not as easy as they make it look online" part...

It's about pumpkins. And Pinterest.

I consider myself to be fairly crafty. Cakes are what I feel I do best, but I can also sew a little, paint a little, decorate a little, etc. Nothing to give Martha a run for her money, but enough to throw a decent baby shower or have a festive Christmas tree. So, when I saw some pumpkin ideas on Pinterest, I thought "Yeah, I can totally do that..."

Inspiration via Pinterest

I mean, it's craft paint. I've been using craft paint since I was, like, 4. And glittery spray paint? Yes, please.

With that, I was off to Hobby Lobby to stock up on paint. Not brushes, because -duh!- I have brushes. I'm crafty. Then, to the grocery store to find pumpkins. Then home, to turn the garage into a haze of glitter and aerosol.

The spraying went okay. I mean, I probably should have done it in the daylight. The garage light is pretty bright, but it turns out I did miss ~~half a pumpkin~~ a couple of spots. Of course, I didn't realize it until the next day, when I was ready to start painting designs.

Except I couldn't find my brushes. Things pretty much went downhill from there. Something like this:

Oh, there are my brushes. Crap. I thought I had more sizes of brushes. But, no problem, I'm painting squares. How hard can that be? Draw the squares with a pencil first? Nah. I'm crafty. I can paint a square.

Oooh, and on this one, I'm going to paint a P for our last name. Because I saw a lot of monogram pumpkins on Pinterest, too. Draw that with a pencil? Don't be silly. I don't draw the letters on my cakes first and I pretty much rock at writing in icing. Surely I can paint a P. I'm crafty. Um, except the P looks really small. Maybe I better spray some glitter on top to jazz it up. Yeah, that'll work. Or look dumb. But mostly work.

Wait, what? Why isn't this metallic craft paint sticking to the pumpkin? And why is the cat drinking out of the cup of water I had planned on using to clean my improperly-sized brushes. And why isn't this square very square? I wonder if I can wipe off the craft paint without wiping off the spray paint... and... no. Okay, I guess I'll put another non-square square there.

Shoot. I wanted to do two argyle pumpkins, but since the metallic paint isn't sticking, I don't want them both to be black, so I guess I'll do something else. Like a spider web! I can paint a spider web without referencing another picture. Because it's a web. And I'm crafty.

Wait, this is looking more like a brick than a web. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Stupid pumpkins.

This looked so much easier online!

In the end, the glitter pumpkins actually came out really cool. Or I'm just biased because of my all-consuming love affair with glitter. The painted pumpkins? Well, they'll do. I can't entirely blame the internet. I mostly just looked at pictures and did a quick Google search to make sure acrylic craft paint would stick to pumpkins. I 'spose I could've done a little more research. And drawn the shapes on with a pencil. All I know is that it's not as easy as they make it look online. And maybe I'm not as crafty as I think.

Nevertheless, I live in a neighborhood where one guy has a real hearse he parks in front of his makeshift graveyard... and the guy across the street from him, well, I can't even describe the tackiness of his decor. My "not how they looked on Pinterest" pumpkins won't cause too much of a stir. Plus, my husband said he liked the "Charlie Brown" one. So...

The Bacon List

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 15:26:00 +0000

That new movie, The Ides of March, with George Clooney and Ryan Gosling opens today. After I got over the initial OCD annoyance that makes me think a movie called the Ides of March should open on the actual Ides of March, not mid-October, I realized something else.

Ryan Gosling

That guy is really popular... and I don't get it.

This, of course, got me thinking of other really popular things that I don't get. This is not a list of things I think only idiots like (though I can easily produce such a list if need be) but just things that lots of people like and I don't really see the attraction. At the top of the list? Bacon. Thus,

The Bacon List

BACON: This stuff is everywhere! My Twitter friends have deep, philosophical discussion about bacon. Denny's created a holiday to celebrate bacon. It even had a bacon sundae. Just Googling about the bacon holiday returned an unbelievable amount of bacon-related holiday sites. And, when I first publicly stated I didn't like bacon, I may as well have said that boiled babies for fun. I just don't like bacon. For one thing, I'm not super carnivorous. The meat I do eat is pretty lean. Not because I'm some health guru... but just because meat fat between my teeth makes me gaggy. Plus, I just can't figure out what it tastes like. Is it meat-flavored salt? Is it greasy-flavored shoe leather? Why does it have to be in every.single.thing!? For the record, I also don't like eggs. Or lettuce and tomato. Or green beans. As bacon hangs out with all these things, maybe that's the problem. Or maybe the problem is that I'm entirely too picky of an eater. Although, oddly enough, I do like prosciutto... with some melon... mmmm!! But bacon? No thanks!
The aforementioned RYAN GOSLING: Several of my friends deem him their favorite Ryan. He isn't mine. (*cough* Ryan Reynolds *cough*) That said, I don't dislike him. Nor do I like him. He's just there. I've heard he's ridiculously good looking. I don't really see it. I mean, he's not ugly... but he's not Ryan Reynolds. Supposedly he's smart. Ok. I'll take your word for that. I've never had a conversation, intellectual or otherwise, with him. I was also pretty sure I'd never seen a single movie he was in. (No, not The Notebook. Do you people know me but at all?!) However, it turns out I've seen Remember the Titans and Murder by Numbers. Considering I had no idea he was in them, I guess he didn't make of an impression on me.
DECORATIVE PENDANTS / BUNTINGS: Triangles on a string? Um, okay. Actually, in the right setting (kid's birthday party, nursery, etc.) I don't mind at all. It's kind of cute. But, like bacon, why is it everywhere? Half the decor pictures on Pinterest have some form of bunting. (Okay, not half, probably like 4%... but when I don't care for something, it obviously feels like more.) Holiday mantel decor? Stick some triangles on it. Random photo shoot under some trees? String some triangles across it. A cake? Oh, no. Please don't... yep... you did. Stick some skewers atop the cake and hang a mini bunting between them. I guess it just reminds me of a car dealership. You know, they always have the super long strings of plastic triangle flags flapping noisily in the wind. That's probably what ruined it for me. Yeah, let's go with that.
MOUSTACHES: I've mentioned before that I don't like facial hair... but that's not actually what I mean. I'm talking about the fake, cut-out, curly handlebar moustaches that now appear in every wedding photograph, stuck on the side of a glass so it looks like the drinker has a moustache, baby pacifiers, and pretty much any other product you can think of. (And yes, on the off chance that random bride reads my blog, I blurred out the faces. You're welcome, Moustache Bride. Feel free to leave me a comment on why this is actually a cool look.) I don't know... I guess I figure if I have to endure waxing my upper lip, I'm not going to turn around and decorate it with a fake moustache.

Who knows. Maybe the real problem is that I'm dreadfully uncool or backwards or otherwise not in keeping with the times. And I actually do want to see The Ides of March, but now that I've re-outted myself as a bacon hater, I probably should invest in a fake moustache so I can be incognito at the theater, right?

~What's on your bacon list?~

Amazingly, I lost weight without the help of Pinterest...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 21:38:00 +0000

Oh, hi! Welcome to the 100th different version of this post. Since you're apparently reading it, I guess I finally got my head straight and strung together some coherent thoughts. Every now and then, there's a topic I want to write about but it's too broad or I get too soapbox-y and -for the sake of my sanity and yours- I end up deleting it and starting over. And over. And over. Today, we've arrived at one such topic.

Thinspiration

Huh? Is that even a word? No, not really. But if you've been spending as much time on Pinterest as I have, you likely know what I'm talking about. If you're not familiar with Pinterest, that's a whole different post. Basically it's photos and links to websites on every imaginable topic (decor, recipes, fashion, etc.) that you can "pin" and reference later. It sounds weird at first, but it's cool. I promise. Check it out. I love it. Except for the thinspiration.

There's that word again, huh? Clearly it's a combination of thin + inspiration. Photo after photo of quotes designed to motivate people to work out and / or lose weight. Some are okay... the woman in the sports bra with the toned tummy who reminds you that yesterday you said you'd go to the gym tomorrow. Fine, whatever. But, of course, it goes too far. There are way too many women pinning pictures of dangerously thin models and declaring that they wish they could look like that. There are signs that are just downright insulting.

Then there's my new hobby: remaking obnoxious signs to include equally obnoxious additions. Like this:

See what I mean? How does implying you're a dog help foster a healthy attitude?

In an effort to avoid the high horse that has caused me to rewrite this post several times, I'm just going to leave it at that. Draw your own conclusions. You're all smart, stable people, right? Clearly we should aim to eat right and be healthy but also feel good about ourselves no matter where we are in that process. Okay?

Now, why is this such a touchy topic for me? Because I've been there. And it doesn't even matter where "there" is. I've been too thin. I've been too heavy. I've had no self-confidence because I thought the only thing that mattered was how skinny I was. I've had too much (or the wrong kind of) self-confidence because I was educated and successful and funny (at least in my own mind), so what difference did it make if I was overweight?

32 years later, I feel like I'm finally on the right path.

And I didn't get there by looking at a bunch of quotes on the internet. I didn't get there by conforming to someone else's idea of what I should be. In fact, I didn't really get there on purpose.

At the beginning of the year, I was the heaviest I'd ever been. I was way too heavy for my height and my frame. I knew it. I just didn't really care. Well, I cared, but kind of like the way I care about my ridiculously messy closet. I know it's a mess but it's such a mess that I don't even know where to start, so I just keep ignoring it. Then, I had a very stressful experience. The details don't matter, but I was too frazzled to even think about eating. I immediately dropped several pounds. The dust settled and some clarity returned to my world. I knew that not eating was not acceptable, but I also felt like I should take those lost pounds and build on them in a healthy way.

I didn't follow a program. I'd done Weight Watchers and other things in the past. I'd had some success, but it just didn't feel right this time. Instead, I just told myself that I was mature enough to use common sense and make healthy choices. (Side note: my doctor and I had discussed weight loss many times in the past, so I knew what to do, I just hadn't been doing it.) I drank more water. I cut my portion sizes dramatically (because I'd been allowing myself dramatically oversized portions). I skipped dessert more often than I had it. I started eating at home a lot more. I spent less time on the couch and more time doing things around the house. I didn't make unobtainable goals or restrictions for myself. I didn't swear off all sweets or carbs or anything. I just tried to focus on a big picture of overall balance and good choices.

Am I now an expert on weight loss and health? Not at all. I've been more active but I haven't been doing what would actually qualify as exercise. I need to. I no longer eat "really bad" stuff on a regular basis, but I also don't eat enough "really good" stuff (e.g. fruits, vegetables). I've still got more weight I need to lose and habits I need to change, but I'm proud of the progress I've made. 42 pounds of progress, to be exact.

You know, if the quotes and the pictures and whatnot actually help you without making you feel like crap... by all means, enjoy. But, as for me? Thankyouverymuch Pinterest, but I don't need your thinspiration. I've got my own right here...

PS: That's my nephew. Don't be alarmed that my weight gain / loss had to do with secretly having a baby or anything. It did not.

Chillin' with Kovacs (from Bachelor Pad)

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:13:00 +0000

Okay, okay, I know it's the off-season for The Bachelor and I'm supposed to be giving you a break from all my Bachelor-related drivel. But if I got to hang out with someone from the show, that would be drivel-worthy, right? Because, I totally did...

Hey, look at that! It's me... with Jesse Kovacs from Jillian's season of The Bachelorette and from the first season of Bachelor Pad.

The radio station I've been doing Bachelor recaps for hosted a Girls' Night Out event and he was the special guest. Before the event, they hosted a VIP party with Jesse. And apparently I'm a VIP! (Shut up. It does not stand for "Very Irritating Person".)

I really didn't know what to expect. For as much as I'm willing to share on my blog... or the fact that I have zero fear of public speaking... when I actually have to interact with three-dimensional humans, I get a little nervous. Fine, a lot nervous. Which either results in me saying nothing at all... or saying something completely outside the realm of social convention. Luckily, Savannah agreed to go with me. Whew! Because otherwise I probably would have sat in my car for a half hour trying to work up the courage to go in alone.

Except Savannah's kids got pneumonia and, because she's done such a good job of teaching them to share, she got it too.

So, an hour before the VIP party, I was dateless and dangerously close to just going home. But, I'd bought a new jeans. And, after a considerable amount of begging on my part, my friend Brittney graciously moved a couple of things around in her schedule and was able to meet me and make sure I didn't cower in the corner the whole time. She couldn't get there right at the beginning though, so that's why I sat in my car for a half hour trying to work up the courage to go in alone.

Luckily, it was a pretty small gathering. Like, 20 people. And Jesse? Seemingly regular.

I know, I know. "But Audreya... you spent his whole season of the Bachelor Pad saying he was part of the Douchebag Triumvirate..." Well, yes, I did. But mostly because he's skinnier than me. Yeah, let's go with that.

Brittney with Jesse

Anyway, I did expect him to be rather cocky or "too cool" for the whole thing. I just imagine most of the people who go on this show are all "Of course you want to meet me. I was on The Bachelor!" I was only around the dude for an hour, so -who knows- maybe he is like that... but he didn't come off that way. Just seemed like a cool enough guy. Not shy but not "in your face" either.

Everyone at the party got a chance to ask him a question in a Chris Harrison "sit across from each other and tell me your deepest, darkest secrets" format. I don't remember all the questions, but the one that stuck out to me was why he went on the show. Answer: He was approached to be on the show, he didn't apply. That's the case with almost all the men -and a lot of the women- who are on the show. A talent agent or someone from the production company sees them out and about, thinks they have the right look and don't seem like a dud, so the agent asks if they'd be interested. He thought it would be something fun to do.

Super awesome side note: Brittney was approached when she lived in Austin. She went through the casting process and was getting ready to fly to LA to be on Brad's (first) season. But she met a guy right before she left, she had that "feeling" about him, so she backed out of The Bachelor. Good thing, since she married that guy a few months ago! Nevertheless, she and Jesse had fun chatting about how Brad is a douche. Jesse's words, not mine. Except, after Brad's second season, I totally believe it. He's still incredibly hot, but...

Anyway, of course I used my question to ask about the behind-the-scenes stuff. As I've said before, there are two kinds of people who watch The Bachelor: the hopeless romantics who want to watch a love story and tend to believe most of what they are see on the show... and the people who like a good train wreck and watch for entertainment value more than anything else. Obviously I'm the latter. Plus, I enjoy seeing what they spliced together, skewed a certain way, etc. I'm under no delusions that reality TV is real. Jesse confirmed that.

I asked him how much of it was a producer saying "Go here, say this..." or "Ask so and so about this..." He said a huge part of it was. That, from the first night, there was a guy on set with a laptop, crafting each cast member's "story line" as different things played out. And that they were constantly being told "Hey, you and Dave should go over here and talk to Jillian..." and that sort of thing. Again, all stuff I already knew, but just nice to hear it from someone who lived it.

I was blinking, not sleeping... I promise

More likely...

He also said that, on The Bachelorette, he kind of frustrated the producers because he wouldn't admit to having feelings for Jillian. He said he knew pretty quickly that she was a nice girl, but the kind of girl you grab a beer and watch a ballgame with, not someone he was interested in romantically. They were always asking him if he was developing feeling for her and he was like "I've known her a week. So, no..." Of course, none of that aired. In general, he felt he was pretty aware of the fact that anything he said could be portrayed any which way, so he was pretty cautious what he said. On Bachelor Pad, however, he said he just wasn't as worried about it because the format was different and there was money on the line. Also, he was approached to come back and do Bachelor Pad 2, but he has had a girlfriend for nearly a year now, so he didn't.

Okay, you've made it this far. Admit it, you want the rest of the dirt on what he said about other castmates, right? Yeah, me too. He said that he's made a few good friends from the show(s)... really good people he's glad to know. But that the vast majority really are just there to promote something, get famous, etc. Remember the Weatherman? That squirmy, nerdy dude? Yep. He really is a squirmy, nerdy dude. About Kasey and Vienna, he said he does get along with them and they are nice people, but that they really, really like to be on camera. His crazy partner, Elizabeth, from Bachelor Pad? He was careful to avoid words like "totally insane", but did gently suggest she might benefit from medication. And Jake? He declared him a flat out douche to end all douches.

Oh, and when one of the women at the party used her question to ask if he would take off his shirt, he politely declined. And said his brother told him he wasn't allowed to do that anymore.

All in all, really nice to meet him. He's still making wine and he and his girlfriend have just opened a new business, combining his wine interest and her clothing business into a wine bar / high-end clothing boutique... which, if I lived in California and drank wine and bought fancy clothes, would totally be something I would visit. But, alas... (He did bring some of his wine to the event. I didn't try any though. Because I don't drink wine, so I figured when I made some horrible face, it might be viewed as offensive. But I did take pictures of the bottles, because I think wine bottles are pretty.)

Best part? I almost didn't have any really awkward moments. Almost. The host from the radio station introduced me to Jesse and said I was their "Bachelor expert" and did recaps for them. He asked me how one became a Bachelor expert. I said "I've just watched it forever and been blogging about it for quite a while. I guess that makes me qualified. You don't read my blog, right? Then I've never said anything bad about you or made fun of you in any way. Also, I'm lying."

Good sport, that Jesse Kovacs. And easy on the eyes. In a too-skinny kind of way.

If You Ask Me

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 5}: Courtney bares all, including her dark, empty soul.

{VLOG} Book reviews + insanity

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 4} I'm a nice person. Don't &$%* with me.

The Mighty Morphin Sock Monster

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 3}... In which someone rides in on their high hearse

Much love for Sweet Love!

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 2}

Indeed, I would make a poor Parrothead...

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 1}

In case you were wondering how my afternoon went...

Christmas Card: 2011 edition

The Language Barrier (AKA You can't wear a sled on your head!)

Movie Review: Breaking Dawn

Pinterest Tutorial

Laundry is for the dogs!

And the winners are...

I Don't Care {Guest Post}

Giveaway extended

Time to order Christmas cards already? Yep. (*Giveaway included*)

How to Nap Like a Champ

Halloween... a little early

"But it looked so easy on Pinterest!"

The Bacon List

Amazingly, I lost weight without the help of Pinterest...

Chillin' with Kovacs (from Bachelor Pad)

Time to order Christmas cards already? Yep. (Giveaway included)