If You Ask Me

Tweeting The Bachelorette

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 27 May 2013 22:16:00 +0000

No, I haven't died. Or followed through on my threats to run off with a band of gypsies. I have, however, severely neglected my blog lately. I'd like to tell you there's an end in sight and I'll be back to blogging regularly soon, but I just don't know that to be true. (Nothing dramatic, just lots of other things going on these days and the time I previously allocated to my blog is now spent elsewhere. But I still love you all and hold out hope that someday, maybe...)

In the meantime, however, I will be watching The Bachelorette... but not blogging recaps. If you want to keep up with my thought on the new season, follow me at twitter.com/audcole

Bachelor Sean: Overnight Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:53:00 +0000

I don’t know what week this is. I got all confused a few weeks ago when we had a Monday and Tuesday episode. Anyway, it’s this week. Final 3. Fantasy suite. All that jazz.

We’re in Thailand (“the south of”, according to Sean) this week. Naturally, it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they went somewhere like Dumas, Arkansas? “This is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s flat. There’s dirt. And grass. The air smells like puke and dead mice from the paper mill. I can really see myself falling in love here in the humid, vomitty air.” But Sean is convinced this week in Thailand is going to dramatically change the course of his life. How? By getting malaria? And that the next time he says “I love you”, he hopes it means “I’m spending the rest of my life with you.” Oh, Sean.

His first date is with Lindsay. Let me preface this by saying that they really didn’t spend a lot of time on the dates and there is very little recap-worthy. They hop in a motorized rickshaw thingy and head to a local market. They hold some neon chickens. I wasn’t clear on if the chickens had been dyed or if there was a nuclear plant nearby. Or if they were chickens. They might have been ducks. I don’t know. A brightly-colored bird. Sean tells us that the one thing Lindsay said she did not want to do in Thailand was eat a bug. So, naturally, he hauls butt to the nearest bug-vending stand.

Sean says he needs a wife who will try new things and be adventurous and blah blah blah. So Lindsay eats the bug. And it provides me the second opportunity this week to say “vomitty”. She immediately chugs some water but continues to look rather unwell. But Sean is so proud. Yay! Bugs!

Can I just say how happy I am that my marriage was not contingent on my willingness to eat bugs? In fact, the only thing my husband really insisted upon was that I change my last name. Which I did. And, almost 9 years later, I still hate. I mean, I love him and his family and they have a perfectly nice last name. I just miss MY last name. So, hmmm… if he had said “You can eat a bug and keep your last name or not eat a bug and take my last name”… I’d really give that some thought. And probably eat the bug. What were we even talking about? Oh, Lindsay eating a bug to impress a boy.

Next, they end up on a beach. This is when we realize Lindsay is not a Southern girl. She’s got a terrible case of humidity hair. One of the first things I learned when I moved here was about the variety of products available to help combat the extreme humidity and its hair-torturing schemes. And also about ponytails. But, instead, Lindsay looks like a member of an ‘80s hair band. They talk about relationship crap (I kind of zoned out. Rather, I was fixated on Sean’s comic swim trunks. Did he borrow them from his nephew?!) Then they feed some monkeys on the beach.

At dinner, Lindsay has nearly worked up the courage to tell Sean she loves him when a group of Thai musicians and dancers interrupt. What a coincidence! Sean says “Will you dance like that for me later?” and Lindsay’s dad, the General, makes a call to his buddy over at the 82nd Airborne.

Sean gives Lindsay the Fantasy Suite card. In the suite, she tells him she loves him.

Next up, AshLee. She says words can’t express the overwhelming joy she feels when she is with Sean. Then she continues saying a lot of words to express something words supposedly can’t express.

They take a boat out to a cave. Sean tells her they are going to swim through the cave (in the dark) and then hang out on the other side. Of course, AshLee has already mentioned her abandonment issues a few hundred times and Sean has mentioned her control issues, so this should go well.

Sean slings a red bag around his shoulder. Very Hasselhoff. They grab a float thingy and a lantern and swim through the cave. Exhilarating TV, let me tell you. Oh, and the metaphors about caves and darkness and relationships were not exactly what I had hoped for.

Before dinner, AshLee tells the camera about her concerns with the Fantasy Suite and how she is not willing to morally put herself out there when there are still two other girls. At dinner, they talk about love and marriage and AshLee extols the virtues of marriage and not just getting married to be married. A lesson she obviously learned the hard way.

When the subject of the Fantasy Suite comes up, Sean says he would love the time just to talk and not have cameras in their faces. AshLee says she agrees about the time but makes it clear she doesn’t want to “cross a boundary”. He agrees. They go to the suite and talk. Mostly about what she wants in an engagement ring.

Okay, first of all, I actually like Sean. He’s a little dopey at times, but he generally seems like an okay guy. This season hasn’t featured him falling down drunk or dry humping girls in front of a fire. I would say the porn-ish-ness has mostly been him in the shower. As a fairly conservative person myself, I am fine with this (the lack of dry humping; I can do without the shower scenes). I’m also fine with hearing girls talk about boundaries and whatnot in the Fantasy Suite, especially considering he still has two other girlfriends. But, I don’t know, something about the engagement ring talk made me uncomfortable. I guess I just figure if you’re on The Bachelor, there’s a certain expectation of throwing a No Pants Party. So, if you’re not sending out those invitations and yet you’re talking about rings, I’m just saying that doesn’t seem very Bachelor-like. Maybe I’m really selling Sean short, but he is a dude and he is making out with multiple beautiful women in bikinis. So, you know… Anyway, just felt awkward.

For Catherine’s date, she runs to him. Not the normal butter commercial run. Like all-out runs. And squees. Sean says how much he’s missed her. They talk on a boat. She says she is “pretty much expired” about Seattle and would have no problem moving to Dallas. She says her sisters are kind of annoying and that’s why she doesn’t really talk to them about relationships. They do backflips off the boat into the water. In the “outtakes”, we see them doing multiplication tables. No, that’s not a euphemism. They were doing actually math. And Catherine won. Which I actually liked. Sean says that Catherine gets him better than the other girls.

Catherine tells us the her initial thoughts about the Fantasy Suite were “No way I’d do that” and that she wants to be seen as a lady. She tells Sean she’s weirdly traditional about relationships. (Sweetie, not wanting to do it with a guy who has two other girlfriends isn’t “weirdly traditional”. It’s just good sense.) Sean says he hopes she knows that his intentions are about uninterrupted time with her. She agrees. But she does make a comment to the camera about being intimate. However, that can cover a variety of things, so who knows. If anyone did it, my money is on Sean and Catherine. But, most seasons, I figure at least 2 out of 3 did it, so this is actually an improvement as far as communicable diseases and traditional values go.

Next, a shirtless Sean spikes his hair and tells us he knows who he is sending home. Then he has his therapy session with Chris Harrison. Chris asks “Is your wife here?” Whenever he says that, I picture Sean like “What? Where?” and some angry woman being like “Where is he? Where is that #$(&#^* husband of mine?! Off with all these women while I’m home with 3 kids. @(&$*(^&*!!” Maybe Chris should say “Is your future wife here?” or, more accurately, “Is the woman you’ll be engaged to for a few months until the fame goes to one of your heads and you start cheating on the other?” Then Sean is forced to sit through the “last chance” videos. Which I hate more than words can express. Then he feigns confusion about who he will send him.

The girls arrive at the Rose Ceremony. And by “girls”, I mean AshLee and the two girls on her chest. Holy cleavage, Batman! For someone who didn’t want to put herself morally out there, she’s okay putting herself mammarily out there.

Unfortunately, Sean only has three roses. He gives Lindsay the first rose. It would have taken all three to save AshLee and her twins, so she is mathematically eliminated in favor of Catherine, who we already know is good at math.

Sean attempts to walk AshLee out. She sternly tells him to stay put. He follows her anyway. She says very little. He tries to explain himself but she continues to glare. In the limo, she cries about how this wasn’t just a stupid game to her. She says this is the ultimate reject. My husband said “Nope. Pretty standard reject.” I laughed. The end.

Next week, the Women Tell All. However, I will be out of town for work. In Florida. On the beach. My life is rough. (Actually, lately, my work life has been rough. So a trip to Florida seems like an adequate trade-off.) I will very likely not recap the WTA. I may or may not feed monkeys.

Bachelor Sean: Hometown Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 01:29:00 +0000

I know you probably think I am just avoiding recapping this season because I’ve gone on and on about how busy I am, blah blahblah. But really, the universe is working against me. Last week, I typed out a whole big thing and it vanished. This week, I lost my notes. So, I’m going to give it a go, but it will be from memory. If I were you, I’d stop reading now.

Hometown dates, which are usually my favorite week of the season, were this week. Unfortunately he has already sent home the girls who I would have expected to have the craziest family (*cough* Tierra *cough*) so there wasn’t too much excitement.

First up, AshLee. She lives, um, somewhere. Houston, maybe? They hang out for a while doing things I can’t recall. Then they go to her parents’ house. Her parents are quite welcoming and friendly, despite AshLee oversharing about “getting romantic” and rolling around on the beach.

Her dad says “Let me tell you about my first date with AshLee…” and talks about when she arrived as a foster child to their home. He said “This one is going to be hard to give back!” and fell in love with her instantly. He says he wants a man for her that will fall as completely in love with her as he did. In a very different way though, I hope.

In the awkward “I still have three other girlfriends and you’ve known me 45 minutes, but may I have your blessing to marry your daughter?” conversation, her dad gives the typical “Yeah, sure!” answer. Ugh.

Next up, Catherine. Sean meets her in Pike Place Market in Seattle. They join in the touristy fun of throwing and catching fish. Catherine seems thrilled by this. But Catherine is a vegan, so this seems odd to me. I know a lot of vegetarians. Most of them have given up meat for health reasons and some because of ecological or animal-cruelty concerns. But the vegans I know? Every one of them has concerns about animal cruelty. I’m not saying ALL vegans do. Some just have allergies. But, all the ones I know do. So if Catherine is the typical vegan, it seems odd to me that she’s delighting in tossing dead fish around. But, whatever. Let’s meet her family.

She teaches Sean a Filipino tradition where he will touch her grandmother’s hand to his head as a show of respect. He does. Everyone loves him. Catherine, on the other hand, they don’t seem to be big fans of. Her sisters pull her aside and basically accuse her of being caught up in the moment and that saying she’s in love with Sean is probably impulsive. Then they pull Sean aside and tell him they aren’t sure that she’s ready to settle down and that she’s kind of all over the place and has crazy goals and dreams and if her guy doesn’t support her, she won’t think twice about dropping him and moving on.

Look, I’m just glad someone on this show knows the word “goals”. But, anyway, it kind of puts a damper on their evening. Sean is in a bit of a funk when he leaves.

Onto Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri to meet Lindsay and her dad – the two star general.

First, they walk around the town, take a sip of beer in an otherwise-empty bar, stop in a cupcake shop and then go to a park so Lindsay can get him “Army ready”. Which basically consisted of the cheesiest “boot camp” ever.And a lot of push-ups.

Sean spends a lot of time debating if he should address her dad as Mr. Yenter or General Yenter. Lindsay says “Call him Mark.” Sean wisely decides to pass on that suggestion and settles on Mr. Yenter. Darn. I was kind of hoping he’d bust up in the Yenter’s house and be like “Mark! What up, bro? Ooo-rah! Marine Corp for life! Semper fidelis, baby!” Because, come on, you know you kind of want someone to punch Sean but you can’t really put your finger on why.

Instead, he greets Mr. Yenter and the rest of the family. (Well, actually he shook the brother’s hand first and then the dad’s. As my friend Laura pointed out, this was not great form.) The family chatting goes well. Then Sean and the General head to the basement to take more sips of beer. Sean chooses this moment to ask for his blessing to marry Lindsay.

Dude. If you’re going to ask an Army general a stupid question about his little girl, don’t do it in the basement where no one can hear you scream. If you even scream. That man probably knows 45 silent ways to kill you. Witnesses. Always have witnesses.

The General answers the question with a long story about having been a paratrooper for a lot of years and how, in the Army, you have to be able to assess the situation and then determine if you have the authority to make the decision. If you have that authority, you do it. You don’t ask for everyone’s opinion. So, he says he trusts Sean to have the authority to make the decision. In other words: Do what you think is best, but remember how many combat-ready troops work for me.

Last up, Desiree. She meets in on a hiking trail overlooking LA. Except it looked like a pretty pedestrian walking trail, but maybe the hiking part was just off camera. Or maybe I was blinded by her neon yellow shirt. As one of the friends on Twitter said the other day, can neon please be over?! I admit, I did like neon the last time it was popular. I also was 10 and carried Lisa Frank notebooks exclusively. Now, looking back, I probably owe my parents an apology for all the neon scrunch socks I made them purchase. It’s really a wonder they didn’t send me to private school sooner.

At Desiree’s (yes, I know she goes by Des, but making words that end in –s possessive is too annoying. I lean towards Des’… but the Chicago manual says Des’s is correct. So I’m sticking with Desiree) apartment, they begin getting dinner ready for her family. There’s a knock at the door. It’s her family, right?

Wrong.

It’s some scrawny dude saying he loves her and why isn’t she returning his calls?! Sean is all “Whoa. What?” Things get heated. The guy puts his hand on Sean’s shoulder. Sean tells him to back it on up. Des then starts laughing and tells Sean the guy is an actor and she wanted to pull a prank on him to pay him back for the whole “priceless art falling down” extravaganza.

Again, can I please teach these people how to have a proper prank war?!

Desiree’s family arrives. I’m not sure what all happened up until the point that her brother, Nate, pulled him aside. Nate has a fairly rough-and-tumble thing going on. Tattoos, shirt unbuttoned two buttons further than it should, not a very pleasant attitude. He tells Sean he doesn’t buy it. He thinks Sean is a playboy and doesn’t care about Des nearly as much as she cares about him. Sean refutes this and says his character is everything to him. Nate remains unconvinced. It wasn’t a big blow up, but it was definitely fairly tense and ended with them agreeing to disagree.

When they return to the family, Des can tell something is up. She asks what’s going on. Things get more tense. She is upset and tells her brother to just stop. The dad starts talking about the weather. Sean decides to go ahead and go.

Back at the mansion for the rose ceremony, Sean has a sit-down with Chris Harrison and says he’s really not sure what to do. Things didn’t go particularly well with either Catherine or Des this week and he just has to decide who he would miss most if he sent them home.

Before he hands out the first rose (after an abnormally long pause), Des pipes up and says she’s like to speak with him. They go outside and she pleads her case that her brother doesn’t speak for everyone and she’s really sorry it all happened.

In the end, he gives roses to Linsday, AshLee, and Catherine. He walks Des out and tells her he knows he may be making a huge mistake. They say the same thing over and over again “I know I may be making a mistake” “Yes, you are”. Repeat 10 times. Cry in the limo.

And, finally, in case the night hadn’t been awkward enough, we get a soft-core porn scene of Sean in the shower, caressing himself with a washcloth. Dude. Get a pouf or a loofah. Who uses a washcloth?!

Then, because I guess ABC has had a lot of space to fill this season, we got a bonus Tuesday night episode called “Sean Tells All”.

He and Chris sit in their typical too-close chairs and chat about how things are going so far and what he’s thinking going into next week’s overnights in Thailand. You know, because this was obviously filmed the day after the rose ceremony where Des went home. Except it wasn’t. It filmed a couple of weeks ago. Ugh.

There really isn’t much to rehash, but he shared a few thoughts on each of the girls.

Desiree: He knew her brother had a “troubled youth” but that she said he was a lot better now. Sean said they didn’t show it, but he and Nate actually talked before dinner too and it went well. Then something changed and Nate got all weird. He contends it wasn’t the only reason Des went home but that, yeah, part of it was that he couldn’t see himself in a family where he knew his brother-in-law couldn’t stand him.

Selma: They didn’t show all the creative non-kissing they did. Butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, etc. But Sean says he had already made up his mind she wasn’t the one before she kissed him.

Lesley: He really liked her but just wasn’t sure of her feelings. Maybe if she had been honest that she was falling in love with him, it would have been a game-changer. Also, there was an awkward deleted scene with horrible “sexy talk” and brownies and Sean calling himself Daddy.

Tierra. Oh, Tierra. He didn’t really have many kind words to say about her except that she shouldn’t have come on the show because she wasn’t suited for the environment and he hopes she will learn to get along with her peers. He said he should have kept Jackie on the two-on-one. Then they showed several extended scenes of all her fights with the women. Yay. Hopefully her new fiancé saw this and ran away.

They talk a little about the 50 Shades of Crazy girl from night one. They show a clip of Catherine cramming herself into the wheel well of the ice bus. Daniella does an excellent Chris Harrison impersonation. I tweeted that she should co-host Bachelor Pad. She retweeted it. I like to think I’m the favorite tweeter of all Bachelor folks. I mean, I am, right?

Finally, Chris asks Sean what his expectations are for the fantasy suites. He says he just wants to spend some time off-camera so everyone can talk freely and that it’s not his business what any other Bachelors have done in the fantasy suite, nor is it anyone’s business what he will do. Will do. Because, you know, this totally filmed before Thailand.

Anyway, I guess we’ll see next week…

Bachelor Sean: Episode 7, I think

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:03:00 +0000

Bad news... I lost my post. Sometimes technology is really, really annoying. I can't spend the time to recreate it. So, here are the two things you need to know:

Sean tweeted me.

Sean's sister stopped by St. Croix to remind him that no good comes from picking the girl no one likes. Coupled with plenty of other drama, he sent Tierra packing. And now her eyebrow has its own Twitter account. @tierraseyebrow

Bachelor Sean {Epsisodes 5 and 6) You're gonna wife that?!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 19:58:00 +0000

Wow. 4 hours of The Bachelor. That’s a lot to take in in one week. However, I am going to strive to make this my shortest recap ever. Mostly because my schedule is pretty hectic these days and I’m seriously toying with the idea of not continuing recaps at all and just live (or semi-live) tweeting my thoughts. However, my OCD probably won’t let me quit midway through a season, so…

Okay, Monday night… Chris begins by congratulating the remaining 11 girls and telling them it’s a lot more serious now. Yes, because only dating 10 other girls and your “future wife” is much more stable and serious than dating 12 other girls and your “future wife”. Oh, Chris. He also tells them it’s finally time to take this show on the road and that they’ll be meeting Sean in Montana.

Sean starts this episode fully-clothed but that’s likely because he was on a float plane and the FAA probably has some rule about not flying in your boxer briefs. The plane lands on a lake and Sean gives the requisite speech about how this is the most beautiful place he’s ever seen.

This episode actually spent very little time on the dates. The first one-on-one went to Lindsay. She and Sean board a helicopter. She says she’s never been on a helicopter before. Sean says it’s a bada$$ helicopter. Um, why? Because it was all black? That doesn’t make it bad. It didn’t have any guns or Navy SEALs or anything. It’s a sleek, monochromatic version of every other helicopter on this show. Don’t oversell it, Sean.

Sean says that he likes Lindsay because she’s outdoorsy and not high-maintenance. Maybe compared to the other girls on the show, but compared to girls in general, I’m going to say she doesn’t represent the low-maintenance demographic. Anyway, they talk about her life. Her dad is a 2 star general and she grew up moving around a lot. Typical Army Brat stuff. She talks about how her dad was gone for most of her adolescence. I am just impressed she knows the word “adolescence”.

For their final activity, they head to the town’s square for… wait for it… a private concert. With someone called Sarah Darling. Am I supposed to know who she is? They dance on a platform and Lindsay says how great it is the entire town of Whitefish came out to see Sarah Darling. Yeah, that’s why. Not because they could be on TV and take pictures of you and Sean and send them to Reality Steve. Come on. Give Whitefish some credit. Also, at some point, she got the rose.

Group date time. Sean is near the lake and has some outdoor activity planned. But first he makes sure to state that he doesn’t need an outdoorsman wife. Huh? You don’t want a man for a wife? Obviously. Because then it would be a husband… and this would be a very different – and, frankly, more entertaining- show. Apparently he also doesn’t need me for a husband or wife, because as the girls round the corner, they see goats.

Goats.

Why does this show continue to subject me to the worst creatures ever? You know how I said I wouldn’t put actual fears on my application but rather things like spa treatments and Adam Levine? Well, that would last right up until some producer called anyone who’d every met me and said “Okay, what’s she actually afraid of?” and they would unanimously say “Goats!”

But these girls? Well, they don’t know they should be scared. They don’t know these are goats. Someone says “Are those dogs?” I just… I can’t even…

Oh, look, it’s Chris Harrison. Dude must be missing Bachelor Pad the way he keeps showing up on dates and explaining everything. Today he’s explaining the Montana Wilderness Relay Race. The girls will be in teams and have to haul some bales of hay, canoe a little, cut through a log, and milk a goat. Then, when the milk is at the designated part of the jar, someone has to drink it.

Also, if you’re keeping score at home, Sarah made sure to point out that having one arm won’t hold her back.

Let’s just say it was all painful to watch. And maybe the only time I’ve ever felt sorry for a goat. Desiree’s team wins. The other team is sent home and the winners head to the after-party. But, once they get there, Sean says he just doesn’t feel right about the popped collar on his jacket sending the blue team home and he’s going to “bend the rules” to bring them back.

The blue team gets ready to join the others. Daniella says the other girls are “literally going to die”. Yes, literally. They are just going to drop dead. The red team sits at the party and seethes. They can’t believe they “exerted themselves” for nothing. Actual words used.

And, lest we forget about Tierra, she and Jackie are scheduled for a two-on-one the next day but she hasn’t been totally crazy in a while, so she decides to sneak out and join the party too. You know, in that complete pre-planned way people sneak out on this show with a camera crew following them. While Sean is alone talking to the camera, she sneaks up behind him, puts her hands over his eyes, and says “Seeeannnn?” in her strangely-accented, whiny voice.

Now, if Sean were everyone else in America, he would have sent her home right then for being such a weirdo. Instead, he sits and talks to her. She says she feels misled by going on the two-on-one. Or something. I don’t know. I try to tune her out.

She leaves. He talks to some other girls. Nothing particularly noteworthy except that Sean and Catherine seem pretty snuggly together and she’s still my favorite. He and Daniella have a good conversation in which she cries and says “like”, like, 100 times. She ends up with the group date rose.

The two-on-one with Jackie and Tierra was as awkward as you’d expect. Tierra evil laughs and tells the camera she’s on a date with her husband, poor Jackie, etc. etc. They go horseback riding. Blah blah. For her one-on-one time with him, Jackie tells Sean that Tierra was flirting with a guy at the airport and said he was cute.

GASP! Someone alert the church elders!!

During her one-on-one time, Tierra “opens up” and tells Sean that she was with a guy for 5 years and he was in and out of rehab during the whole time. He passed away. Now she’s scared of losing someone else. Sean says that explains so much about her. Like what? That she’s not afraid to make up a pretend dead boyfriend? Okay, maybe he did exist and he did pass away. Or maybe she and Manti Te’o should meet. (I’m kidding, Manti. I wouldn’t do that to you. I still believe in you, bro!)

After asking Jackie if she liked the fish they were eating, Sean proceeds to tell her that their relationship has been slow to develop and he gives Tierra the rose.

At the Cocktail Party, the girls and Tierra are getting along as well as you’d expect. Which is not at all. She and Robyn have another attempt at a “squash it” conversation. It doesn’t go well. Tierra tells us that she really wishes she were a fighter because she would beat the bleep out of these bleeps. She goes on to tell Robyn and Lesley that she doesn’t need this and she could get engaged to any guy and so on. Then she says she is a scorpion and she will sting!

About that time, Sean walks through the room. Coincidentally, I’m sure.

He pulls Tierra aside and she gives her typical speech that the girls are attacking her and she’s not a drama person and this is all so FUS-trating. Yet, when Sean asks for specifics, she just says everyone and all the time.

Next, he tries to get Lesley to give him the scoop and says that he doesn’t want to be played or be naïve so she should tell him if Tierra has done something to directly affect him. Lesley gives an answer that shows she may actually be a decent political consultant and says that the direct effect on him may not be a simple answer but that she is cold and makes no efforts to be friends with the other girls and that he probably wants a girl who is fun and easy to get along with. That she can be focusing on her relationship with him but still build relationships with the other girls.

Next, the deliberation room pictures make their appearance, as well as a therapy session with Dr. Harrison. Sean tells Chris repeatedly that he is frustrated and there is a weird vibe and Tierra is a roller coaster but he can’t get a straight answer.

At the rose ceremony, Sean talks about how turbulent the week has been. He hands out the roses. Robyn doesn’t get one and is sent home.

On to the second episode. No, seriously, I am going to do this quickly. I can’t bear to rehash another two hours. This time they are in Banff, Alberta, Canada.

For the first one-on-one with Catherine, Sean arrives in some giant snow bus thing. Yes, Sean who couldn’t start the Jeep on his date with Selma is driving a giant snow bus. They drive over a glacier and play in the snow. They have some hot chocolate. Catherine says she hasn’t had hot chocolate since she was 4. WHAT?! I mean, I know she’s a vegan but surely there is vegan hot chocolate you can make with soy milk or something. If not, there’s a reason NOT to be a vegan.

After the snow day, they take a carriage ride to an “ice castle”. Well, a one room ice castle with a fire pit in the middle, making me wonder if the ice castle was actually made of Plexiglas. Oh, the columns of the “castle” have roses frozen into them. I had hoped Sean would have to melt one over the fire to give her a rose but, alas, they never take my suggestions. Instead, they talk about her past. She says she is such a fun-loving person and never takes life for granted because of an experience when she was 12 at summer camp when a tree fell on and killed a girl right in front of her.

Okay, who started singing the Adam Levine / Lonely Island YOLO song from a couple of weeks ago? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, stop and Google immediately. And also, ADAM LEVINE.

Anyway, YOLO. She gets the rose.

Group date time. The girls and Sean canoe across Lake Louise, a beautiful but frigid glacier-fed lake. Lesley hops in Sean’s canoe. Selma says she hopes a shark comes and eats them. Then she slow-laughs. Yes, a shark. I don’t know.

On the other side of the lake, Sean tells the girls they are going to do a polar plunge into the lake. They must jump in and fully submerge in the water. And they should do it because you only live one. Okay, THANK YOU! As much as I hate the expression “YOLO”, at least they finally took one of my suggestions.

Selma says she isn’t plunging. She says she’s not putting her life at risk. And she’s from Baghdad and they are warm weather people. Except last week she was complaining about being in the heat because Sean took an Iraqi to the desert. So basically Selma likes a comfortable 72° degree room. I actually don’t fault her for that.

Everyone else, after much debate and a warning from the EMT and the lifeguard, jump in. For most people, it’s the best experience of their lives. Apparently. For Tierra, it’s a chance to be Tierra. She can’t breathe. She’s shaking. She’s barely responsive. They ask her what day it is. She doesn’t know. I’m not sure that’s related to the cold water. She has to be rushed back to the hotel. Maybe the hospital. Catherine and Desiree see the SUV arrive at the hotel and rush down to see what’s wrong. Tierra is near death. Until they give her a Starbucks and someone dries her hair.

Then, still near death but with perfect makeup and hair, the EMT hooks her up to some oxygen and she crawls in bed. Sean comes to check on her. She’s smiling and fine. But, based on her regaling of the tale, still near death. Sean tells her to rest up and not worry about the after-party.

At the after-party, the girls are excited that Tierra’s absence will make for a drama-free night. Sarah shows Sean family pictures. Sean gets twitchy and says considering meeting families is a reality check. Back at the suite, Tierra says she’s frozen to death but she’s going to the party. She walks in. Lesley tells us she’s a pro at getting attention and calls her a Tierra-orist. Which made me laugh an inappropriate amount. I kind of hope Lesley comes back to Arkansas and we become friends.

At the end of the night, Sean gives Lesley the rose. Tierra says it’s not fair and she deserves it. You know, because she nearly froze to death.

After the girls return to their suite, Sean comes in and asks to speak with Sarah. He tells her that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection and seeing her family photos made him realize he shouldn’t drag it along if he already knows. She cries. He walks her to the suite so she can say goodbye. He tells her he’ll be waiting to walk her out but “Take you’re time. Whenever you’re ready…” Um, plagiarize Chris Harrison much? She leaves in tears and says she doesn’t understand why people always say how great she is when they are dumping her.

Desiree gets the last one-on-one. They rappel down a 400 foot cliff. It takes about 12 years. They have a picnic. They climb a tree. They make a ridiculous amount of relationship metaphors related to mountains and trees and rappelling. Later, they snuggle in a teepee and talk about her life. Yes, a teepee.

Turns out Des didn’t come from much. Her family lived in trailers and tiny apartments and even a tent. But they loved each other and there was never any tension. He gives her a rose. She tells us that she lived in a tent and now she’s falling in love in a teepee.

Time for the cocktail party. Selma glares at Tierra and tells another girls she’s wants to look at Sean and say “You’re gonna wife that?” Wife that? Okay, I kind of love it. From now on, I am not going to ask people if they are getting married, I’m going to say “Are you gonna wife that?”

In an effort to get Sean to wife her instead, Selma pulls him aside, tells him to close his eyes, and awkwardly plants a kiss on his lips. Then she tells the camera that she knows it will bring shame on her family but she had to bring out the big guns. At this point, I am not sure if she’s talking about the kissing or the massive cleavage spilling out of her shirt.

He talks to Lindsay. She sleeps naked. He talks to AshLee. She has control and abandonment issues and lets him blindfold her and carry her around the hotel. (I don’t know either.)

At the rose ceremony, Catherine, Lesley, and Des are safe. He gives roses to Lindsay, AshLee and, of course, Tierra. Daniella and Selma are sent home. Both are shocked and can’t believe he kept Tierra over them and so on. The usual.

Next week, everyone heads to St. Croix and the previews indicate an epic Tierra meltdown. Here’s hoping she’s a goner, but not before her head spins around or she tackles someone or something really fun…

The Bachelor {Week 4} It's Tierrable!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 17:19:00 +0000

Okay, I'll admit, Week 4 was a little more entertaining for me. Maybe it was because -rather than shirtless Sean working out - we started with Chris gathering up the ladies and telling them, very dramatically, that "Sean sees his wife in this room. Right now. That's where we are."

Oh, and there it is... Shirtless Sean. Except... wait... those are UNDERPANTS! Yep, good ol' Seanie is standing at his bathroom sink in his boxer briefs. And now he's in his closet getting dressed. I was going to say that I'd hate to be the cameraman who had to follow him into his closet, kneel down, and zoom in on his butt. Except it probably wasn't a cameraman. Chris Harrison was all "It's cool. I've got this..."

Chris made good time getting from Sean's closet back to the living room and leaves the date card for the girls. It's for Selma. "Let's turn up the heat."

Selma says she is excited and hopes this date takes their relationship to the next level and then the next and then have babies. Oh, boy. She leaves to go get ready and returns wearing, well, I think what she was already wearing. A tank top and yoga pants. Though she says she hopes Sean is not making her do hot yoga.

Dude. All yoga is hot, in my opinion. Not like sexy hot. Like, actually hot. I need to find a plus-sized teacher because the teachers I've had so far - while incredibly sweet and great teachers - are stick thin and always freezing. Plus, if you've never been to a yoga class, the teacher doesn't do the whole class with you. It's not like Zumba. Not that I've ever been to Zumba. Instead, she might do part of the sequence, especially if there are new people in the class, but mostly she's calling out the names of poses and walking around making sure everyone is doing it properly and safely. So, while I'm wallering around between down dogs and cobras and warriors, she's walking the room getting cold and adjusting the thermostat. I'm generally a colder-natured person but when I'm, you know, exerting myself, I get hot and sweaty. I feel like I'm going to melt to death in a 74° room. I have no idea how people do actual hot yoga at 90°+. And yes, "melt to death" is a legitimate way to perish. Ask a snowman.

Anyway, Selma. In the car, she tells Sean she hopes they aren't going dancing because she's a terrible dancer and will end up stepping all over him. He says that's okay. She says "Are you sure you can handle all 110 pounds on your feet?"

And that's when every woman watching the show who weighs 111 pounds or more started hating Selma.

Look, I'm not thin-shaming. I mean, yes, I just made comments about skinny yoga teachers but that's because it DIRECTLY impacts me and could make me melt to death. But, otherwise, I don't care if you weigh 110 pounds or 310 pounds. Do your thing. But it's terrible form to brag about your weight. Yes, that was bragging. You don't mention your weight to a guy on a first date just in the normal course of conversation. But, as we're about to find out, Selma isn't the brightest. Or she's perfectly comfortable playing the role of ditz.

They pull up to an airstrip and see a private jet with a red carpet leading up to it. Selma says to the camera "Is every date going be like this from now on? I feel like I'm dreaming. I don't even know if this is real." Obviously. Reality is clearly not her strong suit. Then, while on the plane, she says again to Sean "Is this how we're going to travel every time?" Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... but she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke. Here's a little piece of advice, Sean: If you ain't no punk holla' "We want pre-nup
WE WANT PRE-NUP! Yeah!"

But apparently Sean ain't no punk. The plane lands in the desert (Joshua Tree, to be precise) and he says he's not taking Selma somewhere glamorous. Instead, he likes the outdoors and wants to see if she can handle that. Selma takes in the surroundings and then offers what may be the best like in Bachelor history:

"He took the Iraqi to a desert!"

She goes on to say how she hates heat and she's not at all athletic.

Sean points out a huge rock and says he wants to see the view from the top. She asks if they are taking a helicopter. He says no and points her in the direction of the climbing gear. When putting on the climbing shoes, she tells us she prefers 6 inch heels. Then she discusses her terrible fear of heights. Oh, Selma. You better suck it up or he leave yo' a$$ for a white girl.

And also, the fear of heights thing. Oh, you put on your application that you're afraid of heights? Even after 200 seasons of this show? You know what I would list for my fears? Spa treatments. And, of course, my complete paranoia of Adam Levine.

When they begin climbing the rock, Selma first acts like a whiny baby. But then she says all the sudden she got this "do or die" power. Or, better yet. "He gave me this adrenaline. He gave me this courage. I've gotta show this man I've got it in me." SO. MANY. JOKES.

But whatever Sean gave her seems to work and she begins scurrying up the face of the rock, leaving Sean in her dust. They finally reach the top. Then it's time to get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head.

Selma tells us how she conquered her fear with an amazing man. Or, maybe she took my "spa treatments and Adam Levine" advice and told them she was terrified of something she actually enjoys. Or it's just easy to shimmy up a rock when you only weigh 110 pounds.

Next, continuing with the non-glamour theme, they arrive at a cutesy little campground with themed travel trailers, a little pool, a little fire, and a big lounge chair. They snuggle. They talk about how she was born in Baghdad. How she was raised in a very strict Muslim home. And how her mom is, let's just say, super not jazzed about her being on this show. I'm guessing she's not too excited about Selma's boobtastic tank top either. They continue to snuggle and talk all whispery-like. Sean mentions kissing her and she says she just can't kiss him so publicly. He says he understands and respects that. Then she tells the camera that he'll just have to wait until she's his only lady.

So is this about religious convictions and respecting your family? Or does she want to be THAT girl? The one who is all "You can't kiss me unless..." Because that usually ends well.

At any rate, Sean can't NOT give her the rose because then he looks like an insensitive bigot. And also, he contends he's crazy about her.
Time for the group date. When the card arrived, it said "Let's roll with the punches".

Lindsay says she thinks they will be rolling down hills in giant hamster balls. Because obviously that's the first thing we all think of when someone says "roll".

Since she didn't mention it AT ALL last week, Sarah says she doesn't think having one arm is going to slow her down.

And, upon entering the building, Tierra says she sees a "skull and two bones". Crossbones, sweetie. Those are called crossbones. Geeze. Has she never even seen Pirates of the Caribbean?

AshLee tells us she is a girly girl and doesn't do anything adventurous. Wow. She knows how to make herself sound fun.

Anyway, it's roller derby. Whoo hooo!

Amanda tells the other team she has done roller derby before. Then she tells us she hasn't but she wanted to intimidate them. It seems effective as she is probably the best one on skates.

Meanwhile, Sarah's lack of arm might be slowing her down. She's sitting on the sidelines crying and saying she doesn't think she can do this. She said it's truly a physical hurdle and her body works differently, especially her balance. While I think the tears might have been a teensy bit overdone, I generally have no problem with the rest of her statement. I can see where something like roller derby would be pretty challenging for her. But also, I can see where Sean can't just not take her on any physically-challenging dates. Because it would be rude. And because Sean isn't the one planning the dates and the producers obviously enjoy putting people in the worst possible situations.

After talking to AshLee some and then to Sean, who says he has no problem with her choosing to sit it out, she decides to participate. But then... THUMP!

Amanda face-plants and cracks her chin pretty hard. The medic assesses her and says she needs to go to the hospital because she could have fractured her jaw.

Sean sees her off, then gathers the girls around to update them. He says "Amanda went to the hospital for precautionary reasons". The girls eyes visibly glazed over. I'm not saying they're dumb. I'm just saying maybe we should limit it to the fewer syllables. "Amanda went to the doctor to see about the boo-boo on her chin chopper."

Then Sean tells the girls that maybe roller derby isn't a great idea and they should just have a free skate instead. Ooooh, I hope they play Endless Love! What? Friends listen to Endless Love together in the dark.

Next, the rooftop after party. Because, of course.

A few of the girls tell Tierra she did well and she should get into roller derby. She snaps and says "NO!" Amanda returns (more on that in a second) and Robyn comments that she didn't see what happened because she was on the other team "AshLee, Sarah, what happened?" Tierra snaps again. "Really? AshLee? Sarah? I was on that team!" Robyn walks away. Tierra gripes that it's like she's not even there. Believe me, Tierra, they wish that were the case.

Amanda and Sean are talking. She tells the camera that she wasn't hurt that badly but she loves the sympathy and is going to milk it for all it's worth. Hey, at least I can respect the honesty. Except, now with her chin a little swollen, she looks just like someone. I can't place who. It's driving me crazy.

Sean gives her a kiss on the chin. She then tells us "What? A kiss on the chin? I guess I should have said I had my tonsils removed" and then makes a horrible tongue-out kissy face. Which was actually hilarious.

Meanwhile Tropical Storm Tierra continues to rage. She says it's "fustrating". You know what I find fustrating? When people don't put an R in "frustrating"! She marches up to a producer and says she wants to leave. She tells us Sean is a great guy but why should she be tortured every day and live life uneasy? She can't take the fakeness. She's breaking down inside.

Tortured? Really? I'm sure thousands of POWs are like "Oh, yeah. You should come to our support group. You've obviously been through so much!" Except she might really need a support group and experience legit torture when Regina George sees those hoop earrings.

Lindsay and Sean (I think it was Linsday. Anyway, some chick..) are about to head to the hot tub. Tierra is crouched in the shadows, waiting. She leaps.

She and Sean talk. He tells her he's crazy about her. (Apparently that's his phrase. Personally, I think he should be more careful about saying crazy around this bunch...) They talk some more. She's suddenly fully recovered from the effects of the faux-torture. And, to really make all the girls like her even more, he gives her the group date rose.

AshLee sums it up best: "She's good."

Last date: A one-on-one for Lesley. I can't remember which one is H and which one is M. This is not the Arkansas / DC one that had a date already. The other one. When the date card arrived, a pair of diamond earrings was included. Lesley says she slept with them under her pellow. Ugh. Look, I have a number of friends who say "pellow" when they mean "pillow". I don't get it. And it's not a regional dialect thing, either. It's an annoying thing. When you need medicine, you don't take a pell. I just don't get it.

Sean arrives, wearing the worst outfit ever made. Jeans, a black button up and a vest. It was like if Chandler Bing got dressed in the dark. The collar of the shirt wasn't even properly flipped out of the vest. The vest had these weird colorblock panels. I don't know. It was horrid. But he arrived in a Astin Martin, so whatever.

Lesley squeals at the car. Then she squeals when they arrive on Rodeo Drive. Sean says it's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive. Yes, the little girls in the Sudan who haven't eaten in two weeks are like "Hmmm. Rice or shopping on Rodeo Drive. Rodeo Drive!!" Or, regular American girls... me, for example... also couldn't care less. I'm just not that fancy. I think I'm a smidgen fancy, but not Beverly Hills fancy. And THANK GOD for that! Again, do your thing. But me? I'd rather take a trip or spend the money in other ways. A $2,000 dress or a $5,000 purse isn't for me. I have some nice things but I keep it pretty in check. Mostly because my heathen dogs might destroy it. If they destroy a $100 item, I'll be super angry, but no one will be shot.

Lesley, however, concurs that Rodeo Drive is every girl's dream. Because, why? PRETTY WOMAN!!! SQUEEEE!!

Why do I have to say this every season?! Pretty Woman is about a hooker who nearly got raped by George Costanza. The main reason it turned out okay for her is because it was a movie! I guarantee you that 99.99% of hookers do not meet a rich, handsome savior. Stop aspiring to be like Pretty Woman!! And, Lesley, stop calling yourself a tan Julia Roberts. You are a tan Jessie Spano.

Lesley tries on dresses at Badgley Mishka. She squeals more. She's a VERY loud person. Her voice is loud. Her excited voice is louder. Her squeal is ear piercing.

She says these dresses are "Like nothing I've ever seen before. Or even tried on before." Huh? So she has tried on things she's never seen? How does that work? And why?

Anyway, she finally picks out a dress. Then Sean takes her to Neil Lane's story to borrow a necklace. Which, by the way, is not on Rodeo Drive. It's a full 2 miles away. (Yes, obviously I Googled that. But still.) Neil lets her borrow a 120 carat diamond necklace.

She and Sean head to dinner at somewhere. A dark hotel or library or something. I don't know. It had a lot of balconies. Sean says he hopes something romantic will click tonight. When that is said, you can pretty much assure nothing will click. So, let's just skip the awkward dinner conversation and get right to the part where Sean picks up the rose and tells her he can't give it to her. Thanks for picking it up though. Douche.

He walks her out. She asks for help unhooking the necklace. He says she can keep the earrings. She warns him to be careful and that some of the girls are not here for the right reasons. She gets in the car and cries and says she would give back all the clothes and diamonds for more time with him.

He lumbers into the building and says he wished there had been a romantic connection because Ben Taylor was going to play a private concert for them. And then, because what fun would it be to say "Sorry, Ben Taylor, the girl got sent home. Pack it on up." he starts playing anyway from a landing on the stairs. While Sean woefully drops the rose off a balcony. Or, as my friend Laura pointed out, some poor PA had to drop 100 roses until they got just the right "hitting the ground, a few petals popping off" shot.

The next night, the Cocktail Party begins and Sean tells the girls that they may question his decisions but they can always come and talk to him about it.

Instead of talking, he and AshLee kiss.

Next up, Robyn decides she wants to grab his attention. She tells him she has a pick up line for him. Really? Are you supposed to tell someone you have a pick up line? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? This is like how I'm trying to teach my niece to prank people... we will take a candy wrapper and fill it with scrap paper or other wrappers so it's the same size as the real deal. Then I'll tell her to hand it to Nana or Uncle David. She will giggle. Then she will say "Here Nana. *giggle* It's fake!" *womp, womp*

So, for Robyn's hyped up pick up line, she shows him a piece of chocolate and then asks if he would like to taste the chocolate. He says yes. She says "Which chocolate?" and he kisses her. No, you're right. That's so much worse than my niece's inability to candy prank people.

While this is going on Tortured Tierra walks past the other girls, flaunting her rose.

And then it hits me. AMANADA LOOKS LIKE SUSAN BUNCH!! You know, Ross' ex-wife Carol's new wife? On Friends, of course.

Come on! It's a picture of Jessica Hecht from around the time she was playing Susan... but is it not Amanda?! I mean, Amanda was even wearing that same burgundy lipstick at the Cocktail Party!!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, Tierra. She pulls Jackie and Robyn aside and says she wants to apologize to them for the other night. It goes something like this:

Tierra: I want to apologize for the other night. But, you kind of attacked me.
Robyn: You don't like me, and I'm not used to people disliking me.
Tierra: I never said I disliked you. That's your bad for assuming. I've learned to accept you for who you are. And Jackie, I've learned to accept you for who you are.
Everyone in America: Is this your first apology? It's really, really bad.

Tierra then tells us that, of course it was fake and forced, but if that's what she has to do to win this...

Meanwhile, Catherine says she is Tierrable. I'm starting to like Catherine. We haven't seen her much, but she's pretty funny. Then she goes on to say that Tierra is one way with the girls and another with Sean, but unless it it's detrimental to her (Catherine's) relationship with Sean, why would she tell him about it? Wait, what?! Logic?! Okay, cancel "starting to like Catherine". She's my new favorite.

Sean, however, still thinks Tierra is okay. She tells him that she hates drama (read: I LOVE DRAMA!) and girls have a hard time accepting who I am (read: a Tierrable $*&%^#) Sean tells us that Tierra requires more reassurance than the others but that's not a bad thing. He can read her. She's here for the right reason.

Yeah. To win. She said so about 10 minutes ago.

Lastly, he talks to Catherine. She gives him a note (which was on her thigh?) with a lip print on it. Then they talk about being attracted to each other but not wanting to kiss with so many onlookers. So they head to the driveway and do some smooching.

Time for the Rose Ceremony. Sean tells the girls he's already emotionally invested in "many of you". (Read: Except for those of you with names I can't remember. Which is well over half of you.)

Tierra and Selma already have roses.
Catherine
Desiree
Lindsay
Leslie
Robyn
AshLee
Sarah
Jackie

Chris Harrison comes and says it's the final rose. "When you're ready..." He forgot to explain what will happen if you don't get a rose. How will they know to take a moment and say their goodbyes? He'll have to come in again in a second and explain that to Amanda.

Final rose: Daniella

Luckily, Chris does come back and tell her to leave. Carol and Ben must be missing her. (Fun fact: Ross and Carol's son Ben would be 18 this year!)

Amanda says she feels rejected and hurt and that she's miserable and heartbreak is difficult to get over. I think she is confusing heartbreak with jaw injuries. But whatever.

Next week, more of the same... but 2 nights! Monday and Tuesday, full episodes. Which means I will probably post an "I'm can't bear to recap 4 hours" highlight on Wednesday. And no, I don't know why they're doing that. But, it looks like some people get hypothermia and another ambulance gets called. Yay!

Also, my DVD finally cooperated and I got to see the outtake scene. It was of Selma and Sean getting in the Jeep to drive to the rock climbing area. He killed the Jeep several times. Finally, she suggested he take off the brake. He begged her not to tell anyone.

Don't worry, Sean. Your secret is safe.

Bachelor Sean {Week 3} Colds Sores and Conspiracy Theories

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 22:46:00 +0000

So, it's week 3. If it's possible, I think I care less about this season now than I did last week. Tell me I'm not the only one. I mean, Sean is fine. The girls are fine. Maybe it's just not crazy enough yet. I don't know. I just know that I used to take about 12 pages of notes (on plain computer paper, not like lined college-rule or anything) and this week I took 4. I take that to mean I'm 3 times more bored. You know what you're probably bored of? Me telling you how bored I am every week. Like I said, maybe it's just not crazy enough yet. We started to see the crazy a little bit this week, so there's still hope.

Also the same this week? We open with another shot of Shirtless Sean working out. In blue athletic shorts. Just like last week. So yeah, if they can have the same opening, can I too.

Back at the Mansion, Chris gathers the girls up and gives his usual speech about making the most of their time. Then he leaves the date card. It's for Lesley M. I'm assuming it's inappropriate to call her White Lesley to distinguish from her Black / Bi-Racial Leslie. So, I won't say that. This is the political consultant Lesley who is from Arkansas but now lives in DC.

They arrive at the Guinness World Record museum. That may not be its official name, but you get the point. Lesley has a "Where's my freaking helicopter?" look on her face. But, don't worry, Sean's about to show her something that will totally rock her world.

Look at that! Is that Sean's dad in a picture?! It sure is!! He holds the record for the fastest time to drive through the 48 contiguous states. 97 hours, 7 minutes. OH MY GOSH!? NO WAY! YOUR DAD IS SO FAMOUS!! Ugh.

I'm conflicted about world records. I think the naturally-occurring ones are cool. Like, oldest person, tallest person, etc. Maybe even largest squash or pumpkin. But the ones you try to set usually end up feeling really corny to me. If they take an extreme amount of skill or preparation (hello, space jump? Tight rope across Niagara Falls?) I guess that's pretty cool. But you drove through 48 states in 4 days? Sorry. I'm not terribly excited by that. Perhaps I'm just jealous that my own prospects for a world record seem grim. Unless there's something involving Skittles...

But, not content to let his dad be the only world record holder in the Lowe family, Sean suggests they set their own record.

And, speaking of records, Chris Harrison is on site to tell them what it will be. What's with Chris showing up in so many scenes this season? He's hot under the collar for Sean, I'm tellin' you...

So, the record? Longest on-screen kiss. The previous record is 3 minutes, 15 seconds. Sean and Lesley must kiss for 3 minutes, 16 seconds. See what I mean about dumb records? There are 14 year olds all over the country who could beat this record, but there wasn't a camera in their face. (Actually, there probably was. Did anyone check YouTube?)

To a cheering crowd, Sean and Lesley start smooching. And the cold sore I was already concerned I might be getting started tingling. Because, eeew. Kissing in a movie or something is one thing, but standing on a platform in front of a crowd while on a TV show known for the lead kissing dozens of people? That's herp-tastic.

In voiceovers, Lesley said it alternated between passionate and awkward. Sean said he was trying not to laugh as the crowd was cheering because then their lips would have come unsealed. Boy, these two have sexy talk down to an art.

After 3:16, they set the record and break apart. (Thought: Why didn't they go for a little cushion? Like 3:45? Because you know next season someone is going to break their record by a second.)

Sean says it was an easy record to break. And tweets started flying about how disconcerting it is that Sean thinks 3 minutes of kissing is impressive.

My favorite part of the whole kissing extravaganza was the commercial break that followed. First, for clinical strength deodorant, including an explanation of how "stress sweat" is four times stinkier than regular sweat. Then a mouthwash commercial. The only thing that could have made it more perfect would have been an Abreva ad and a pregnancy test. Or that home HIV test thing.

Following the kissing, they climb to the roof of some old hotel for drinks and snuggling. Lesley points out she's never done this (drinking and snuggling atop a hotel) before. Sean says he hasn't either. That's what I love about this show. They generally set up dates that people haven't done before. You know, unless you were on a previous season. Yet, everyone feels the need to point out they've never done it before. "Oh, I've never eaten dinner in Iceland before!" "Wow! I've never been to a private concert in Croatia before." Yeah, that's kind of the point. Also, you'll probably never do it again, but now you've been spoiled and that's why you'll still be single and on Bachelor Pad 34.

They talk about her upbringing. She says she actually loved junior high and high school. Of course, this made people tweet that she was from Mean Girls. But she quickly adds she was a nerd and took AP classes. So, I guess that makes her Cady Heron. And also, all her AP teachers are like "Great. All that work we put into her and look where she ends up. On The Bachelor."

She goes on and on about how her parents are still best friends and hold hands and are madly in love and that's what she wants, too.

This season's theme is clearly "We don't have Daddy Issues" as girl after girl touts their happy family. And, don't get me wrong, I am encouraged to hear about enduring marriages and stable homes. But also, you're on The Bachelor, so there's that.

Don't get me started on the "marrying your best friend" thing. I get it, sort of. But, as I've said before, have another best friend too. I love my husband and I'd rather spend time with him than with just about anyone. But, sometimes I need to talk about him. That pin on Pinterest that says "Never talk bad about your husband to anyone ever" or something. I 98% agree. I'm very careful about airing our dirty laundry with others. But I do need to vent sometimes. That's when I call Dena. My best friend. Because she is who I trust to listen and not judge me or him. Parents can't do that. Siblings can't do that. And your spouse can't do that. Plus, while I firmly believe that MOST of the time you need to talk to your spouse about the problem rather than about him to someone else, sometimes it's something I just need to get off my chest but I know it will cause an even bigger thing if I bring it up with him. And I don't want that. If I vent to Dena and she assures me that I'm not crazy (or, because she's my best friend, will tell me if I am being crazy), I feel better. No need to get into it with him. I'm not talking about major issues. I'm saying he knows I hate it when he leaves his socks everywhere. I HAVE talked to him about it. But, the socks are still everywhere. So instead of nagging him, I will call her and say "I swear, I'm going to gather up all his socks and burn them in the front yard." And then we laugh and move on and all is well. So, seriously people, have a best friend. Don't put them above your spouse. Don't burden them with everything your spouse does that you don't like. But, for crying out loud, mouth off about socks for two minutes. It's okay. Really. It doesn't make you a bad wife. Whew. Okay.

Blah blah blah... maybe they will be each other's best friend. They are already developing feelings. Here's a rose. Let's kiss some more.

Lastly one of them tells us it's not everyday you meet someone so smart, so funny, and so sexy. Which is true. For people who don't get to meet me on a daily basis. *ba dum chee*
Time for the group date. Again, I didn't bother to write down who all went on it. 12 women, I think. They arrive at the beach. Everyone is clowning around, tossing the football, asking Sean to take off his shirt, rubbing oil on him. Just your typical day at the STD Shore. Before long, Chris Harrison shows up.

Dude? Seriously? I know you've probably got more time on your hands since you're single this season, but it's becoming creepy.

Chris tells them they will be playing a game of beach volleyball. The winning team will get to spend the rest of the evening with Sean. The losers will be sent back to the Mansion. In tears, no doubt.

Kristy, the model, tells us she's really competitive and knows what it takes to win on and off the field. Well, calling it a field is a great start. Court, sweetie. Volleyball is played on a court. Even when it's a sand court, it's still a court.

I'm not much of an athlete. I've never claimed to be. But, of the sports I attempted, I was the best at volleyball. Still not great, but decent. If nothing else, I understand the mechanics of it. Therefore, I am qualified to tell you that this was easily the worst game of volleyball in the history of volleyball. Or sports in general. Or humanity, really. You know that scene in Top Gun? It's was the opposite of that. It was more like a scene from 90210. If everyone had been drunk and blindfolded. Eventually they declared a winner. Though I'm pretty sure you're required to win by two in beach volleyball, but whatever. Just make it stop!

The losing team is sent home, crying. Because, of course. The winners get to go back to Sean's place and hang out. First, he and Lindsay kiss. And by "kiss", I mean "she tried to eat off his face like she was in a zombie movie". He talks to / kisses some more girls.

While this is going on, the final one-on-one date card arrives back at the house. Tierra reads it and says it's addressed to AshLee... and Selma. Then she says "Ha ha! It's just AshLee!" Of course, no one thought it was funny. Sarah, especially. She tells the camera how completely awful that was. Yep, you're right. It's right up there with human trafficking and genocide. Relax, please.

Back at Sean's, the girls still hate Amanda. Des maintains that she is dark and creepy. I know the reality of this show is that you are highly, highly unlikely to find your future spouse, but you really might find a good group of friends. I get it. But if someone doesn't join in all your reindeer games, that's okay. Not being super outgoing isn't a crime. Unless you're a sociopath. And even then, just being a sociopath isn't a crime. It's only when you act on it that it becomes a problem. So, unless Amanda is an active sociopath, just leave her be.

Or go tell Sean. Because that's what KCB chooses to do. OH GOODY!! She tells Sean that Des and Amanda aren't getting along. For reasons I failed to understand, KCB says this is really hard on her personally. Sean apparently agrees with me. He asks why she is telling him about this. She doesn't have a good answer, except that she's not a "drama person". Which is the motto of every drama person in the world. He tells her to just worry about herself and not be a crazy person. He really said "crazy person". +1 for Sean. You know, I kind of hope the people on this show never pick up on the fact that tattling is not sexy and will almost always lead to their demise. For the sake of humanity, it would be nice if they would get that memo. But for the sake of my enjoyment while viewing the show, this is much better.

At the end of the night, he gives Lindsay the rose. I guess he enjoys having his face eaten zombie-style. KCB cries.

The next day, it's time for AshLee's date. She is wearing the worst lace dress ever. In fact, I'm pretty sure my grandma had a tablecloth in that pattern. She tells us she can't wait to tell Sean about her adoption and her family and... THUMP!!

WHAT?!?

Tierra falls down the stairs!!

The girls gather around her, Sean arrives to pick AshLee up but begins tending to Tierra, producers and cameramen surround her. Eventually they all realize they are the opposite of brain surgeons and someone calls for medical personnel. When the paramedics arrive, they put a neck brace (which I almost call a c-collar, because I was raised by a paramedic, but in case you weren't, we'll go with "neck brace") on her, put her on the backboard, and tell her they are taking her to the hospital. Suddenly, she perks up and says she's okay.

Naturally, AshLee is all over this and tells the camera that Tierra is the boy who cried wolf but "I'm a smart woman and I can see through it". So, she's accusing Tierra of faking a fall down the stairs to get Sean's attention? Yeah, I can see that. But I can also see that AshLee's plan for a first date was to tell Sean about her plight as a foster child. Some people might lump that in the same category. I'm not saying I'm one of them...

What I am saying is that, given all the day-drinking and sunless tanner that fill that house, it's a miracle people don't fall down the stairs way more often.

After Sean talks to Tierra for a few minutes, he and AshLee leave on their date. They arrive at Six Flags Magic Mountain. He tells her they have the park to themselves, but that he'd like to share the day with two teens battling chronic illnesses. The girls are best friends and know each other through their online support group, but they've never actually met in person.

This also leads to a soliloquy from Sean about how important charity work is to him and needs to be to anyone he ends up with. While Sean's grammar is better than most who have been on this show, all I could think about was that I wanted to start a charity to teach him about "I" versus "me", as he's made that mistake several times during this episode. Not to a Ben Flajnik level, but close.

The group rides rides. AshLee says she is elated watching Sean interact with the girls. Except, mostly I saw the girls interact with each other and try their best to ignore the two old weirdoes intruding on their best friend time.

Before long, the group goes to a different part of the park and enjoys a private concert from the Eli Young Band. On the plus side, I've actually heard of them. On the negative side, how many private concerts must we endure? If you don't get a helicopter ride or a private concert, you should probably just take yourself out of the game.

The girls say this was the best day ever. They leave. Sean and AshLee sit down and chat. He asks how many kids she wants. She says "I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide". WHAAA?! HUH!? Does this mean you actually want fifteen kids but if your husband says he only wants two, you'll have two and then get thirteen cats? I don't understand. I definitely want as many kids as my husband and I decide, and we can't decide, so we don't have any.

She goes on to say that she'd also like to adopt. Sean says that's something that has always been on his heart, too. She shares with him that she was adopted at six. Now, actually, I'm not going to make fun of this. If my husband and I ever decide, we will be adopting out of foster care, too. So I think this is actually a good conversation. Again, maybe a wee bit deep for a first date, but fine.

They talk some more. He gives her the rose. And suddenly the band starts playing again behind them. Again, WHAAA?! Was the band standing there in the dark the whole time waiting for a signal? Creee-ppy.

With the dates done for the week, Sean and the girls gather for the Cocktail Party. I immediately notice that his tie is different this week.

First, he takes Sarah outside. She is afraid he's sending her home. Then a limo pulls up. She starts crying. He tells her it's okay, he just didn't get to spend any time with her this weekend, so he wanted to do something special. (Read: I couldn't take you on a one-on-one because you went last week and I couldn't take you to play beach volleyball because of, um, your fair skin...) She opens the door to the limo and her dog, Leo, is inside. Of course, she is thrilled and plays with Leo for a bit. And Sean is just the best ever.

Inside, Sean begins talking to girls, only to be stolen away by other girls. I won't go into specifics because who cares? This one, then that one, then this one again, and Tierra a few times, and another. Snooze.

When KCB does get a chance to talk to him, she apologizes ~~for her outfit that looks like Barbie's wetsuit~~ for tattling the other day. He tells her he feels like they had turned a corner but this put them back a few steps. Read: I thought for a split second I might like you, but nope. Friend Zone for sure!

The Rose Ceremony begins. Sean gives the traditional speech about following his heart. Lesley, Linsday, and AshLee smile at their roses. Sean then asks to speak to KCB. Cue ominous music.

He tells her he has too much respect for her to make her stand through a rose ceremony when he already knows they are better off as friends. So he doesn't respect the other two women he's about to make stand through a rose ceremony when he already knows he's sending them home? Anyway, she goes home. She cries in the limo saying she had no regrets the last time she was on the show, but this time she has regrets. Her wardrobe choices among them, I'm sure.

Roses go to:
Tierra
Catherine
Robin
Sarah
Amanda
Leslie H.
Danielle
Selma
Jackie...

"Ladies, Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Please, please, please pick me! I really want a rose! I love you, Sean!"

Sorry, Chris.

Desiree

So, I still don't know who half those women are, but I think after next week, we'll have it pared down enough that I can keep them straight.

As far as the girls going home, Kristy says it would've been a fairytale but it wasn't. Deep. Just take your Harlequin cover deal and go. Taryn says she was too guarded and maybe she wasn't sweet enough or wasn't ready. Um, probably. I don't know. I barely knew who she was. But "not ready" is always good. Makes it sound like you had a choice in your leaving.

And then my DVR did that thing where it cuts off the last 2 minutes even though I've told it repeatedly not to, so I don't know what crazy antics they'll be up to next week. As you can imagine, the suspense is killing me.

Manti Uh-oh!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 16:18:00 +0000

By now, you've probably at least heard a little something about a college football player with an imaginary girlfriend. At first glance, it probably doesn't seem that strange. Lots of college students have imaginary, inflatable, etc. girlfriends and boyfriends. In fact, my sophomore year of college, I'm pretty sure the RA had a made-up boyfriend. No one had ever met him because he "lived out of state" and our only tangible evidence of him was a few picture of them together. Pictures that looked a little Photoshopped... in that 1998 way in which Photoshop was actually a pair of scissors and a glue stick.

Also around 1998, the internet happened. I mean, it happened before then, but it was just starting to happen big time. People were visiting chat rooms and forging relationships with strangers.

And relationships with strangers... that's where this story begins.

I won't go into all the details because, frankly, they make my head spin. You can Google and read any of a few million articles published since this time yesterday. Long story short: a linebacker for the University of Notre Dame had a pretty bad day. Yes, the same Notre Dame that I love and adore.

Manti Te'o (MAN-tie TAY-oh) is a beast. I have completely loved watching him play for the last few years. I've also enjoyed his interviews and noticed how he seems very humble and kind. Traits we often don't see in a star player.

This year was rough on Manti. A couple of weeks into the season, we were told that his grandmother had passed away and that, just a day or two later, his girlfriend lost her battle with leukemia. And that he took the field in their honor because neither would have wanted him to miss a game. In fact, in her last days, the girlfriend gave him strict orders to play no matter what, even if it meant missing her funeral.

HEART. BREAKING. Right?

And that's what we thought all season. Manti went on to dominate. He was a Heisman finalist. Notre Dame was undefeated and played in the National Championship game. (Well, they were present for the National Championship. I can't bear to rehash the results.)

Then yesterday it became public that the dead girlfriend... wait for it... never existed. Instead, "she" was a hoax. See, when I heard "girlfriend", I assumed they'd spent a great deal of time together. She was said to go to Stanford, I think. But surely they spent school breaks and maybe long weekends together, right?

As it turned out, she was an internet girlfriend. Oh, okay.

Now, this is where some people get judgey and jump off the Manti bandwagon. Either he is some loon who can't get a "real" girlfriend or he was party to the hoax because it would make for such a compelling publicity stunt.

I subscribe to neither. Don't get me wrong, both are possible. I don't know the guy. Maybe he's the guy who believes gullible isn't in the dictionary. Maybe he's secretly a master manipulator. Who knows. But that's not my knee-jerk reaction.

My knee-jerk reaction is, of course, to laugh at the situation. I'll circle back to my actual thoughts in a moment... but, needless to say, I did have a little fun on the twitters with it.

Because, come on, it's a little funny when it's happening to someone else. It shouldn't be, but it is. It's why we laugh when someone falls in the parking lot or gets the dictionary to see if gullible really is there. What about celebrity "wardrobe malfunctions"? All funny but shouldn't be. I blame human nature. We laugh when we're uncomfortable or don't know how else to lighten the mood. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person. Whatever.

Either way, here are my actual thoughts:

I'm inclined to believe Manti. I'm inclined to accept that he was the victim of a scheme rather than a co-conspirator. Again, I could be wrong. Lance Armstrong just admitted to using performance enhancing drugs after years of swearing up and down he didn't. So yeah, people lie. But, in this case, I'm choosing to believe him.

Why? Because it's not the first time this has happened. I've never seen the MTV show Catfish, but I'm told it's based on this very thing: finding out your internet romance is not real or not at all who you thought they were.

And because meeting people online isn't as weird as it used to be. I have a number of friends who met their spouse or significant other on a dating site, on Twitter, through an electronic introduction from a mutual friend. It's what we do now. And really, when you meet anyone - at work, at the library, at a church function - do you really know anything about them or do you have to trust that they are who they say they are and not some skeeze with a wife and kids in another city? Plus, he'd been talking on the phone and emailing someone. Someone went to great lengths to sell him a believable bill of goods.

I never did any online dating, but I'm not ashamed to tell you that a number of my very good friends I initially connected with via Twitter. Sure, I eventually knew a person who knew them or whatever, but we have entire social events dedicated to meeting our Twitter friends. I like to think I'm a very reasonable, intelligent, non-gullible person and yet, I've attended many a Tweet Up. Because it's what we do now. And this thing you're reading? My blog? Have you met me? Many of you have but for others, how do you know that I'm actually the charming 135 pound Arkansas-transplant I say I am? (Yes. 135 pounds. I'm trying to prove a point about internet deception.)

So, I'm willing to accept that he got duped. And I'm willing to feel bad for the guy. You might argue that my loyalty to Notre Dame is blinding me. Go ahead. I'm a cynic among cynics. I get it. But, in this case, I have no problem believing he was deceived and is very likely hurt by this. As I said, I'll spare you the details, but - while this became public yesterday - Manti began noticing problems a couple months ago and the school began an investigation the day after Christmas.

I remember being in a class in college (I don't remember what class... maybe something marketing-ish?) and spending a great deal of time talking about perception being reality. The specific example the teacher used was that if someone wakes you up in the middle of the night - maybe a phone call, maybe the police at your door - and tells you a loved one has been killed in a car accident and you need to come to the hospital, what do you believe the whole way to the hospital? That your mom/dad/brother/sister/husband/wife/child has been killed in a car accident. Most likely, you're not even fit to drive and someone else has to take you. You're probably hysterical, right? So when you get to the hospital and find out it was a case of mistaken identity and your loved one is actually fine, are you just like "Oh, cool." and quietly go on your way? Of course not. You probably have a whole different wave of emotions. Eventually you calm down. But are you ever going to forget that hour or so when you thought they were dead? Nope. Even though it never happened, it was very real to you.

That's my take on the Manti thing. It never happened, yet it absolutely happened. Not only did he mourn the loss of his girlfriend, but now he has to deal with the loss of trust and dignity.

Again, this happens every day. We're hearing about this because a well-known athlete, likely a first round draft pick, was involved.

I don't know why someone would do this. I suspect his potential earnings as a likely first round draft pick played a part. Why the wheels came off and "she" died, who knows. But this happens every day. People are swindled out of thousands of dollars. People are Catfish'ed. People are victimized. A good friend of mine had his daughter murdered by an internet predator. These are not necessarily stupid people. These are not necessarily losers and dorks and basement-dwellers. They are people who trusted someone they shouldn't. Who among us hasn't done that?

So yes, it's funny when we're sitting on this side of things. I'm not going to criticize anyone for poking fun. I did, too. But let's give the guy a little bit of a break. I think there are a lot worse character flaws than being too trusting. It will take more than this to convince me not to like Manti. If it comes out eventually he was in on it or something, fine. But, until then, I want to hug him.

And I can't help but think that Manti Te'o would make the PERFECT Bachelor.

Bachelor Sean, Week 2: The Vegan Who Likes Beef

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 13:00:00 +0000

Okay, confession: I'm not into this season yet. Not in a "Take notes and write an awesome recap" way. There are still too many girls. And also, during Bachelor Pad 3, I started live tweeting and reading other tweets on the matter and it was hilarious. So, I spent most of this week tweeting my thoughts and a small amount of time scribbling other musings on paper. Therefore, most of my comments will be recycled from my Twitter stream. And next week will probably be the same. And the one after that. So if you want my first-run commentary, I suggest twitter.com/audcole

This week starts like I assume every week will start... Sean working out and then showering. Both shirtless. Both wearing shorts. Because he's in a middle school locker room, apparently.

Meanwhile, Chris gathers the girls together and reiterates that Sean is the most sincere Bachelor they've every had. SCREW YOU, OTHER BACHELORS! And does anyone else find it odd that this is Chris' first season as a single man and he's chosen to focus all his attention on Sean? I'm pretty sure he could have KCB without much trouble. But no. He leaves the date card and heads out, no doubt to go doodle Mr. and Mr. Sean and Chris Harrison-Lowe.

The date card is for Sarah. "Are you ready to fall in love today?" Well, of course she is. Oh, and did you know she only has one arm? If not, 5 minutes into the episode, she's mentioned it 3 times. After all, if you want to be treated normally and have people get to know you without focusing on the fact that you have a missing limb, the best way to do that is to mention that you have a missing limb in every other sentence.

Before long, Sean arrives in a helicopter. The girls are all "WHAAAAAT? A HELICOPTER?!" Even KCB is taken aback. Come on, ladies, helicopters are totally The Bachelor's jam and you know it. Sarah and Sean board the bird and all the girls stand outside covering their eyes as the dust swirls all around. Here's an idea: go inside. Or at least don't look up. I've been in the presence of a helicopter taking off. You shield your eyes with you hand and you look down. Of course, these are probably the same people for whom the "Don't stare directly at the sun" warning is necessary. The dejected and recently blinded women go back inside.

We see an ITM of Sean telling us he's glad Sarah was just confident enough to address the elephant in the room and talk about her arm. He says he found that very attractive. You know, as long as he doesn't Google her condition and find out she actually has no clue about her own medical condition.

Sarah tells us this is the biggest dream of her life so far. Really? Wow. At least she's not afraid to dream big, right? "I can only hope that someday I'll be on The Bachelor and be led on by a guy who is also dating 12 of my roommates. If I'm really lucky, maybe I'll get a curable STD before I get dumped on national television. *wistful sigh*"

Sean and Sarah land on the top of a building and Sean tells her that their champagne toast is waiting for them at the bottom. *dramatic shot down to the ground* At this point, most people would have been like "No thanks. Champagne tastes like gym socks. I'll just take the elevator back down and get myself a Coke". Instead, Sean goes on and says they are going to free fall.

Sarah: "FREE FALL!?!? OMG!!! WHAT CATCHES US?!?!"

Because obviously her disability is her lack of brain cells, not her lack of limbs. And also, free fall? Another term I don't think we're fully understanding here. They are strapped to all sorts of ropes and harnesses with some sort of mechanism that slows them down at the end. It's essentially the Tower of Terror without any walls. I'm sure it was a huge adrenaline rush but it's not like they jumped out of an airplane with no parachute. Terminal velocity, yo.

At dinner, Sarah tells Sean this was a really special experience for her because once she was in Vegas with her dad...

This made me laugh. The truth is that I've been to Vegas a few times and always with my mom. Even when we went for our 5th anniversary, my mom came. But her sister lives there, so it's not a whole big thing. Anyway, something about Sarah and her dad in Vegas cracked me up. I don't know. I've had a long day.

So, she was in Vegas and got all harnessed up to go ziplining when someone told her she wasn't allowed because the state of Nevada didn't allow disabled people to zipline. They will let people get married regardless of being so drunk they can't stand up, but you can't zipline unless you have two whole arms. Makes sense. Good call, Vegas. Naturally, this was humiliating and upsetting to her. (I'm actually not mocking her here. That sucks.)

She loses my sympathy though when her dad says "This is why you need to find a man strong enough to handle these situations and support you through it" and she's like "Today, you doing this with me, shows me you're that kind of man." Oh SHUT UP, SARAH!! You don't NEED a man to help you handle these situations. You need to be confident in who you are. You need a good support systems of friends and family. That's all. If some of those people happen to be guys, great. But you don't need a man to validate you. I mean, you're on The Bachelor, so apparently you do, but in theory - be your own woman. Find a man you love and who loves you. Period. But handle your own crap.

Sean then asks her about her past relationships. Ugh. Not this again. She says she's only had one really serious boyfriend. They were together for 3 years but they were just on different paths. She wanted someone who was more spontaneous and adventurous. Or maybe he got tired of handling her crap.

Sean gives her the rose. They kiss. Then she tells us that this is exactly the fairytale she imagined. UGH. And that she thinks she's falling in love with Sean. UGH UGH UGGGGITYUGH! I can only hope this was a voice over from sometime in the future. You don't fall in love with someone after one date. Argue if you want. Call my a cynic. It's cool. I already know all that. Get this: I don't believe in soul mates. I think you can have an undeniable connection with someone after one date, but love? Not how I define it. And certainly not when the guy is dating a whole passel of other women.

Next up, the group date. The date card arrived at some point during Sarah's date. I'm not going to list who all was on it because if you can recognize all those names and put a face with them already, you're probably taking this show a little too seriously and you should go read Chris Harrison's blog instead of mine.

Katie, the yoga instructor, says she fears a group date because she might be overshadowed by bigger personalities. That might be true but she certainly won't be overshadowed by bigger hair. And no, people with curly hair, I'm not hating on you. I'm just saying that she has big, curly hair and I don't think she styles it in a very flattering way.

The girls arrive at a mansion. Sean comes out on the balcony. People make Cinderella comments. Inside, they find out they will be doing a photo shoot and the winner will get a three book deal with Harlequin romance novels. Kristy, the Ford model, squeals with excitement.

Katie then says "Homegirl is a little excited about a cover shoot." Oh, Katie. If you're a yoga instructor with Jessie Spano hair, you really can't pull of "homegirl". And especially not if you get dressed up as vampire.

The photo shoot was exactly what you would expect. Some horse riding scenes. The vampire scenes. Some kissing. Some girls overreacting. In the end, Kristy is declared the winner. Shocking, right? She gets a three-book cover deal with Harlequin. And promptly forgets Sean's name.

Oh, and everyone hates Tierra. That doesn't seem to be a big deal now but, based on the season-long previews and the previews for next week, it's important that you know that. She's being shown as the standoffish mean girl who hates and is hated by everyone. You know, MeaniePants Courtney from Ben's season.

At the "after party", Sean pulls Lesley aside. Now remember, she's originally from Arkansas. Thus, she is my homegirl. I find her a little silly, but overall not bad. She and Sean talk. It's obvious he is interested in her, yet she gets awkward and changes the subject when things start to seem a bit romantic. They part ways and then she realizes it was her fault she didn't get a kiss. So, she finds Sean (now taking to Kristy... who is, no doubt, like "Who are you again? I'm Kristy. From Harlequin.") and steals him away. She kisses him. Daniella is on camera giving play-by-play. "I think he's into Lesley. Oh, there they are. They're probably going to make out. Yep, they're making out."

Next, he talks to KCB. They talk again about how they have spent some time together. Afterwards, she realized she had a crush on him. He says he was surprised because he thought she just saw him as a friend, so it's been a transition for him to see her as something more. She says "But is that something you want to do?" He says a lot of words. The gist of it was "Meh. Kinda." but obviously he didn't put it quite like that. She says she's so happy to be out of the Friend Zone and into the Girlfriend Zone. And everyone watching realizes she's in the Delusional Zone.

Next, he talks to Catherine. She says she's a vegan but she loves beef. *wink wink* Wait, do you think she meant "beeeeeef"? Like not the kind from a cow but the kind from A BOY?! Ugh.

He talks to Selma. Then to Tierra. Tierra tells him she was blow away by what she saw on Emily's season and that's why she wanted to be here. Wait, was she the one who was told in her interview who The Bachelor was after she'd already signed up?

While Sean and Tierra are talking, KCB and Katie are talking. Both of their hair has tripled in size. It's like Monica in Barbados. Times two. Long story short, Katie doesn't feel like this is the right setting for her. She tells Sean she feels like she needs to go home. To 1987. He walks her to her DeLorean.

The girls gather together and he says he wants to give KCB the rose because it was really brave of her to put herself out there like this a second time.

My favorite part of all of this is that her captions says "Kacie B, Ben's Season". Proving that once you go on The Bachelor, you forgo gainful employment in order to be on TV. No more "Kacie B, Baton Twirler" or whatever her profession was. Nope. "Ben's Season". College was money well spent.

For his last one-on-one, he takes Desiree on a really boring date. I can't even bear to rehash it all. They go to an art museum. Chris Harrison is there. They have set up a super awesome prank. They are going to leave her alone in a room with the pièce de résistance for that night's show. But, wait! There will be hidden cameras. Then the piece will fall over and shatter and she'll think it was her fault. Oooooh! Yes, it was a snoozefest. They barely even let her get worked up before telling her it was a stunt. Also, the piece was named Poulet un Petit. I don't know much French but I think that roughly translates to "Small chicken". I could explain how I know this if you want, but it involves a trip to Paris and the most delicious pastry I've ever eaten in my life...

At dinner, they talk about how much their parents still love each other. They say they want to marry their best friend. (A phrase which is competing with "I have one arm" to be this season's "Here for the right reasons.) Then they talk about their physical connection and make out a lot. He gives her the rose. She does the fake out like she might not take it. Yeah right. She takes it.

Finally, the cocktail party. First, Sean tells us he's pretty sure which two women are going home. Now, since he has already made such a big deal about "breaking the rules", why doesn't he just call of the party and move to the Rose Ceremony? Maybe his tie is cutting off circulation. Seriously, dude. Calling that a tie is quite charitable. Just tie a shoelace around your neck.

Nevertheless, he goes on with the party. He talks to Lindsay. She apologizes for the wedding dress stunt and for being drunk and silly. She mentions that her dad is an Army general. Read: No matter how drunk and silly I am, you better be nice to me. Granted, he's terribly disappointed in me, but if you hurt me, he can have you killed.

Inside, Amanda (who?) is making everyone uncomfortable. She's not socializing. She's drinking from a giant latte much. Clearly, she sucks. Or, you know, maybe she is tired and doesn't want to talk about laser hair removal or whatever stimulating topics these girls have to offer. Or maybe she sucks. I don't care.

Robyn pulls Sean aside because she's noticed the show has gotten more culturally diverse (since when can they say "show"? I thought it was all "this journey"...) and she wants to know if he's even attracted to black females. Is the situation in question his attraction to people who are black? Or to females? Both seem like valid queries. Sean says he loves that she asked this question and that he has dated everyone. We know, Sean. You are currently dating everyone. He says he's dated Hispanic girls, Persian girls, and his last girlfriend was black. They are happy. But no one is happier than the producers who can be like "In your face, Discrimination Lawsuit!"

Rose Ceremony time.... This week, my psychic prowess took a hiatus. Because it's late and I need to go to bed. And because I still can't keep up with all these women.

Roses go to:
Sarah, KCB, Desiree... from their dates
AshLee
Lindsay
Robyn
Jackie
Lesley M
Selma
Catherine
Kristy
Leslie H
Tierra
Taryn
Daniella
and... Ladies, Sean, the final rose... blah blah...
Amanda

Going home is Brooke who handles it well and says it wasn't not what she expected but apparently Sean wasn't the guy for her. Also headed back home to resume styling Jef Holm's hair (yes, she does) is Diana. She must have told Sean about her children at some point because he tells her he didn't feel right keeping her from her daughters if he didn't see long-term potential.

Next week it looks like the concerts and drama begin, Tierra's fall down the stairs, and Sean and Lesley's attempt at the world record for longest on-screen kiss. Oh boy, bring the breath mints!

Bachelor Sean, Week 1: Gimme a kiss, I'm not contagious!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 21:01:00 +0000

Every season, I think "Do I really want to devote the next 10 Monday nights to this show?" and I strongly consider just skipping it all together, or at least skipping my recap. But then if even one person says "No! You have to!" I'm all like "Yeah, yeah. Okay. You twisted my arm." I guess I like being the center of attention. (Brand new information alert! Right, Mom?)

As far as why I'm posting this a day later than usual? Well, Monday night featured a little football game called the National Championship and a little team called Notre Dame. If you've been around for more than 5 minutes, you know I LOVE Notre Dame. And I love Arkansas. But Arkansas spent the majority of their season in the crapper, so... Also, speaking of the crapper, Notre Dame played a little team called Alabama. Maybe you've heard of them. Anyway, let's just say it didn't go well for my Irish. People keep checking on me to make sure I don't need to be talked off a ledge, but I'm good. Really. I'm a pretty bright girl. I understand statistics. Since my other football love is Arkansas, I understand all about the SEC and what it means to play Alabama. So, I knew what was probable. But, as a die-hard fan, I had to believe anything was possible. Notre Dame could have won. That whole "any given team on any given day" thing. But, the more probable happened and they very much did not win. I'm disappointed, sure. But not grief-stricken. If your only loss of the season is to Alabama in the National Championship, you have no reason to be embarrassed. I mean, it's not like you wore a wedding dress on what is essentially a blind date. Or fell on your face doing a back flip. Or... wait... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Okay, so Sean is the bachelor. How do I feel about that? Well, I like Sean as much as I like anyone who agrees to be the Bachelor. He seems nice enough. And, if he's writing his own tweets, he's a pretty funny dude. In the looks department, it's hard to argue with that body. Also, his body has led to some really funny pictures floating around the internet and his abs having their own Twitter account.

Source

But his face is just okay in my book. I'm not saying he's ugly. In fact, I will continue to describe him as "good looking" or "hot", just because I get the overall appeal. I'm just saying if you put that face on an average, he becomes the guy you set your friend up with, not the guy you want to keep for yourself.

But, according to Chris Harrison's voice over, no one deserves a second chance at love more than Sean. Oh, Chris. I've missed you and your silly ways. No one deserves a second chance more? Not my friend who was widowed in her thirties? Not people I know who have gone through divorces or break-ups because of cheating or drug-abusing or whatever else partner? Nope. Sean. The rich hard-body who fell in TV love with a girl after a few weeks. (Okay, I don't know that he's rich, but his nephew's name is Smith. And his niece has an air conditioned playhouse bigger than my first apartment. I'm saying he at least has some family money. People who make less than the national average don't name their kid Smith. I'm sure his whole name is something like Smith Jefferson LastName the 4th.)
After the absurdity that is Sean Lowe being the world's most hard-up, deserving single person, we see previews for pretty much the whole season. And, of course, most of Emily's season. Okay, good. We're done here. 'Night folks.

Oh, we're not done? Ugh. Instead, it's time for Sean to talk about what a blessed, humbled, lucky guy he is. How just a few months ago he had a regular 9-5 job. Wait, stop. Who has a 9-5 job? I'm pretty sure that stopped being a thing shortly after the Dolly Parton movie. Then employers caught on that they were paying for 8 hours of work and only getting 7. So now we all get to come in an hour earlier and then clock out for lunch. (Having said that, my husband works 8-4 and doesn't have to clock out for lunch, but he's on call his whole lunch hour. And, a couple times a week, he gets called out the minute his food arrives. Seriously, people. Stop beating each other up at 11:30AM. Save that crap for the night shift.) Oh, yeah.... Sean. Blessed, lucky, 9-5, and loves family. He can't wait to have kids. As he snuggles with his niece and nephew in the hammock, he says how much he loves them and can only imagine how much that will intensify with his own kids. (True story: My husband has said on numerous occasions that he is worried if we ever do have a kid, my niece will still be my favorite. I would argue, but...)

Next, Sean transitions to LA, where he longingly watches a couple get wedding photos taken on a rocky beach. Then he skips rocks. Into the ocean. Because that makes sense. Oh, and he gives us the classic "I'm only going to get engaged once." I assume they edited out the part where it said "...on The Bachelor. Then we'll break up in six months. Then I'll meet some D List celebrity and get engaged to her. She'll leave me for some dude that plays a professional sport. By that point, no one will remember I was the Bachelor. I'll move back to Dallas and meet some girl at a club. We'll get engaged. And even married. Because I'm only getting married once. To her."

Sean arrives at his home for the next few weeks. Soon after, his "good friend" stops by. Oh, look at that. It's Arie! Also, because they are such good friends, they comment on how they haven't seen each other since Curacao. If I'm doing my Bachelor filming schedule math correctly, that's probably 6 months. Don't get me wrong, I have good friends that I only see every 6 months or year or even less. But I've known them forever. He was friends with the guy for 8 weeks and then didn't see him for 6 months. I think we call that "summer camp", not "good friend". And also, it's Arie. I still hate his face.

I will say what transpired next cracked me up. It was obviously put on, but still just almost believable enough to be funny. They start talking about "this journey" and how Sean knows what it will be like and blah blah blah. They talk about how they both fell in love with Emily and got their hearts broken. Then Arie says "You know some of these girls are going to catch feelings for you."

Oh, Arie. You've obviously caught a lot of things from women. And they from you. But I doubt feelings were one of them.

Next, they talk about how Sean will break up with the girls. "I mean, you can't just move," says Arie. Wow, what a gentleman. "Or just stop texting them," says Sean. Which explains a lot. He adds "I can't say 'It's not you, it's me' because obviously it's them." Obviously. Baaahaaahaa, Sean. You're practically a comedian. Then Arie says "Pretend you're breaking up with me..." (This was the believable part. Obviously they have to end their bromance if Sean is really going to be on The Bachelor for, you know, the right reasons.) Sean says the typical "I don't see any long-term potential. I feel like my heart is leading me somewhere else." Arie replied "That's not what you said in the fantasy suite last night." Again, this didn't feel scripted enough to make me completely comfortable.

Speaking of comfortable and not at all awkward, Sean asks Arie for kissing pointers. Arie says the keys are eye contact, using your hands, essentially kissing with your whole body, and only giving a little tongue - just a teaser. Oh, and of course he put his hands in Sean's hair to demonstrate. Let's just leave this alone, shall we?
Sean tells us that Arie gave him a lot of good advice. And he's pretty sure he can't use any of it. There you go being hilarious again, Sean! We all know you're going to use every bit of it.

At long last, 21 minutes into the show, we lay eyes on Chris Harrison. Of course, he's still in a stolen Zac Efron suit. (Grey, this time. Sean is wearing Zac's black suite with the super skinny tie.) And, the sweeping hand gestures abound. Chris tells us we're about to meet some of the women. YAY!!!

There's Desiree. But her friends call her Des. She's a bridal stylist and aspiring bridal gown designer. A girl who spends all day putting wedding dresses on other people? What could possibly go wrong here?

Tierra, a tiny little thing, says she's been in love twice and had her heart broken twice. A producer asks if she wants to know who the Bachelor is. When he says "It's Sean", she screams and whoops and hollers. Then, very intensely, says "HE'S FAMILY-ORIENTED!" Again, what could possibly go wrong here? (Not to mention, from the hour-long previews at the top of the show, it's evident she's this season's villain.)

Next up, Robyn from Houston. She wants to learn Spanish, so she has Post-It notes with vocabulary words covering her house. Apparently this is a valid learning technique because all my Spanish teachers suggested I do it. I never did. Perhaps that's why, despite 4 years in high school and 16 college hours, I can barely order at a Mexican restaurant. Then she decides to baila in her living room. (I'm pretty sure that means "dance". And I learned it from Enrique Iglesias' song Bailamos, not from any Post-It notes. Stop laughing. Sometimes you have to let the rhythm take you over. Bailaaaaaamos! Te quiero. Something something. Bailaaaaaamos!) Her dancing leads to back flips. I mean, seriously, NOTHING can go wrong here.

Diana is the token single mom who will most likely not get a rose on the first night and never have a chance to tell him about the two things she loves most in this world: the braids on either side of her head. And also, her kids.

Then there's Sarah. She works in advertising in LA and looks ever so slightly like a young Cameron Diaz. Except, with one arm. Oh, because she has one arm. She says she lost the arm in utero due Amniotic Band Syndrome and the umbilical cord wrapping around her arm. A tweet from a friend (also named Sarah) pointed out that this is not an accurate description of Amniotic Band Syndrome. In my 20 seconds of Wikipedia research, I agree with Friend Sarah, not Contestant Sarah. But, at any rate, she has one arm. However, I will do as she requested and not treat her any differently. Should she stick around, she will be made fun of at the same rate as everyone else.

Next up, Ashley P. She says she has no idea why she's still single. Then she goes on about the "other man" in her life... Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey. She pretends to read the book. Says "Spank me" and some other inappropriate things relating to Sean and what may or may not be bigger in Texas. Again, what could possibly go wrong here?

Lesley is a political consultant from Arkansas who now lives in DC. But she's doesn't like nerdy politician guys. I was determined to like her because, you know, Arkansas WHOO HOO! Then she held up a sign that said "Lesley Sean 2016" and I found it dumb.

Kristy is a Ford model. A model? There is absolutely no way that could go wrong. I mean, remember Courtney? She was so charming. Also, Kristy has very thin, angular features. It's a little Skeletor to me.

Last up, AshLee. She's a professional organizer. I want to laugh at that but, if I had the extra money, I would ABSOLUTELY pay someone to come organize my house. In theory, I love organization. But that stops at my front door. Anyway, she was in foster care and then adopted at 6. She cries. She goes for a jog. Then she walks the dog. All at the same time. I'm not sure where the dog was while she was jogging, but he's there now, so whatever.

Now Chris and Sean have a pow-wow. Mercifully, it's just a few seconds on the driveway, not the full therapy session inside. Chris says the girls signed up JUST to meet Sean. Squee!! Except, hold on. Remember Tierra being told in her interview that Sean was the Bachelor? Seems to me she's already signed up, already been selected, was already filming her video package, and THEN was told it was Sean. But that's pretty much the same as what Chris said.

I've already reached my fatigue level with this recap, so I'm not going to go in-depth on every girl out of the limo. Of note, there was Jackie, a cosmetics consultant, who applied fresh lipstick (very poorly, I might add) and kissed Sean on the cheek. The next girl out was Selma, who produces a Kleenex from her cleavage and wipe the lipstick off. What a happy coincidence that Selma's shtick just randomly happened to intertwine so perfectly with Jackie's.

Daniella comes out and teaches him an absurd handshake. Her caption says she's 24 but she's got to be this season's "Lying about her age" character. And she's got a very strong man-eater vibe. Like she talks all breathy and gives super intense eye contact.

Kelly, a cruise ship entertainer, sings a song. Oh, yay! There's Katie, a barefoot yoga instructor with fluffy 80s hair. Then Ashley P, or as I saw someone call her in a tweet, Fifty Shades of Cray. She pulls a tie out of her cleavage. Sean is frightened. Several girls get so caught up in whatever it is they are trying to do to impress him that they forget to tell him their names. Which is just as well since he'll not remember any of them anyway. You know the first night is him telling the producers "I want to keep the girl with the red dress and nice boobs, the girl with the hair, not the singing girl..."

Robyn comes out and attempts a backflip. Attempt being the operative word. Ooops. Lacey has the orangest spray tan this side of Snooki. (Funny Sean tweet: The smell of spray tan was strong that night!)

Then there's Paige. First, I'm taken by her job title "Jumbotron Operator". There are certain jobs I never really think about someone having to have. I mean, does this mean she sits at a computer and queues up things to go on the jumbotron? Or is this a hands-on position? Like she actually climbs up on the back of the jumbotron and does, I don't know, something? Once I stopped thinking about jumbotrons, I realized that Paige looked familiar. Oh yeah, she was one of the fans on Bachelor Pad 3. She got voted out the first night. Wow, the casting department really thought outside the box there, huh?

Partway through the arrivals, Tiny Tierra shows up. She shows Sean the open heart tattoo on her ring finger and says she hopes he'll be the guy to complete it. (Side note: It looked similar to the Jane Seymour Open Heart jewelry. Which I HATE! It doesn’t look like hearts. It looks like a woman's torso. Boobs and butt. That's all I see.) Apparently Sean was impressed by her boob heart tattoo. He asked her to wait a minute and he disappeared into the house.

He finds Chris Harrison and says he wants to bend the rules. Oh, the rules again. Ugh. He says he wants to give someone a rose immediately. As luck would have it, Chris is standing sentry over whole tray of roses. So either this happens every season and we never see it or perhaps PERHAPS this was premeditated? No. No way. Sean returns and gives Tierra a rose. Tierra then enters the house and chaos ensues.

Several more girls arrive. Most of them have bad hair. Leslie is this season's "girl with football". Finally, Lindsay steps out of the limo in a wedding gown and veil. (Believe it or not, this is NOT the girl who works in the bridal salon. Just some other lunatic.) She tells Sean she's a prankster. He seems a little scared. As he should be.

So, that's everyone. Right?

Wrong!

Chris tells Sean another girl called and really wanted to have a chance with him. Out of the limo steps Kacie from Ben's season. You know, KCB! She's back! She says "I know I don't deserve a second chance, but you're here for a second chance, too, so..."

Okay, so NOW that's everyone. And, can I just say that the limo / meeting the Bachelor or Bachelorette stunts are getting worse and worse every season?! I know there are people who really think "Wow! That girl decided to wear a wedding dress!" but I think anyone with even a moderate amount of IQ points can clearly see how planned these greetings are. Maybe every single one isn't super scripted, but overall? They seem like poorly rehearsed skits. Just let them get out of the limo, tell us their name (which will most likely be some varied spelling of Ashley or Lindsey), and go in the house. Ugh!
Inside, the girls discuss KCB and how unfair it is she gets to do this again. Unfair? Just like Chris saying "No one deserves this more than Sean..." I don't think these people understand what "unfair" means. Cancer is unfair. Infertility is unfair. Human trafficking is unfair. Because KCB already got to fly around on helicopters and go on fancy dates and now gets to do it again when this is your first time to get to is not unfair. It's annoying, sure. But not "unfair".

KCB and Sean talk. Apparently they have met before and "had a good time" when they "hung out". I have no idea the back-story there. I'm sure it was at a Bachelor event. I don't know if they went on a date or anything before this. I could easily look at a couple of websites and figure it out, but do we really care that much? At any rate, Sean said he didn't know KCB had any interest in him beyond friendship but he's open to exploring it. So, okay then.

As the night goes on, Sean makes use of the remaining roses on the tray and hands out several. One girl, Catherine, says the rest of the girls are jealous but had to "put our lady faces on and be nice". This episode, if nothing else, was full of some fabulous one-liners. I will now say I'm putting my lady face on every time I opt not to punch someone when I really, really want to. Which is about 40 times a day.

A few girls, all with roses, argue with Tierra that she got the first rose, but it wasn't the First Impression rose, since other people got them, too. Um, okay? But she did get the first rose. And it was because she instantly made an impression on Sean. Whatever, ladies. Just pour yourself another drink and get back to splitting hairs.

Lindsay, still wearing her wedding dress, gets some alone time with Sean. ONE LINER ALERT: She says "I wish I were more sober for this". We all wish that, sweetie. Then she asks him to dance with him. TWO LINER ALERT: "Gimme a kiss. I swear I'm not contagious!" Sean declines and instead offers a kiss on the cheek. She calls him Mr. Traditional and says she thinks they have the same morals. Okay, A) In what way is Sean traditional? He's currently on a date with 26 women, many of whom are drunk. In the coming weeks, he's going to swap spit and do who-knows-what with several of them. B) So yeah, probably you have the same morals. But his Twitter profile says "I love Jesus". Does yours? At any rate, Lindsey tells us she made a ballsy move and blew it. ONE LINER ALERT: "I wish I could wear a normal dress and not try to kiss him".

Next up, 50 Shades of Cray is dancing in the living room. The kind of dancing you'd expect. KCB tells us 50 needs water, lots and lots of water. Instead of water, she opts for more dancing. This time while Sean is trying to talk to Paige. When Paige leaves, 50 pulls the tie out of her cleavage again.

She says "I brought the tie." Sean replies - ONE LINER ALERT- "I brought a rape whistle". They talk for a while. She stumbles in the house. He says she's 50 Shades of Drunk. She trips on the steps.

In the house, Sarah talks about how she hasn't had any time with him, but that she doesn't want to be aggressive and force anything. FEW LINER ALERT: "Having one arm intimidates a lot of young guys. They feel like it's easier to date a girl with two arms." Okay, I laughed. Not because I think it's funny she has one arm. It's a legitimate birth defect, she's obviously done well in spite of it, she has a career, she's pretty, and I don't find her to be creepy or weird because of it. I'm sure she has faced a lot of challenges as a result. I sure there are a lot of guys out there who would be bothered by it and not give her a chance. As I've said in other instances, I find that a little douchey, but everyone is entitled to their own deal breakers. But, "They feel like it's easier to date a girl with two arms" just made me laugh. Maybe I'm a bad person. Or maybe it's just that almost anything said in the context of this show automatically seems more ridiculous to me. I don't know. At any rate, she and Sean do talk. She is very forward about her arm. He says he isn't bothered by it. He gives her a rose. Oh, she also said her dog is her life. Believe me, I could make even more fun of that, but I'm tired of typing.

Before we get to the rose ceremony, I should keep with my somewhat insensitive tone at the moment and point out that this cast is much more racially diverse than casts of the past seasons. Personally, I have no problem with this. In fact, I'm glad to see it. I hope we've moved past the point where we are concerned with what color someone's skin is. So, I'm glad to see the show finally caught up with the 1980s and decided to give Sean women of various ethnic backgrounds. You know, just like he would meet in real life. And by "glad to see the show finally caught up..." I mean "the lawsuit proved its point". Because, yeah, that happened. The show was sued for discrimination or something along those lines due to how few minorities they have cast. At any rate, I hope Sean will choose women he connects with and whose company he enjoys, period.

Okay, time for the rose ceremony. 12 women already have roses. He has 7 more to give out. Let's see if I still have my psychic prowess and can tell what Sean was thinking as he gave out the remaining roses...

Amanda: My, that's a big smile.
Lesley M: I've heard Arkansas is pretty cool. That's where Audreya lives, right?
KCB: If you made out with Ben, you'll definitely make out with me.
Kristy: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
Daniella: Ooooo- oh, here she comes! Watch out boy she'll chew you up! Ooooo- oh, here she comes! She's a man eater! Taryn: I heard you were crying on the stairs because we hadn't talked yet. This could be fun...

The best part of Chris Harrison's final rose speech is that I don't have to write it in my notes. I have it memorized. "Ladies, (Bachelor's name), this is the final rose tonight. If you don't receive a rose, take a moment and say your goodbyes"...

Lindsay: The producers said I had to keep the drunk wedding dress girl or the drunk 50 Shades girl. You have no immediate plans of assaulting me with a tie, so you can stay.

And with that, the rest of the girls leave.

Paige says it sucks and she's really sad. She's been on two Bachelor series and been the first one voted out each time. Yes, that is sad. Maybe go back to your jumbotron and stop trying to make reality TV happen.

Kelly the singing cruise ship girl says she is embarrassed. "Who will want to date a crazy girl who sings a song for Sean and gets kicked off The Bachelor on the first night?" Man, I love it when the jokes write themselves.

50 Shades of Cray does not disappoint. She uses her farewell interview to dance some more, do inappropriate things with the tie, show us a tattoo on her butt, and tell her mom not to be mad. Yeah, good luck with that.

Then, more previews for the season. Some we saw at the beginning, some new ones. Seriously, why do we even need to watch the show now? I think we could easily pin it down to the top 4 and just skip all the concerts, drama, secrets, pretend boyfriends, making out in the ocean, and flying in helicopters. Not to mention Sean dropping a rose and a voice over saying "It blindsided me so badly". Aside from being out of context, the best part was that they did SHOW him saying this in the beginning. When he was in the limo, being dumped by Emily. I remember it clearly because when it aired, and again last night, I thought "It blindsided you 'badly'? As in, it did a poor job blindsiding you? Or you mean it blindsided you so bad?"

I guess we'll have to wait and see how many other ways they use that same sound bite and what else happens. Or doesn't happen. At any rate, we're off to the races... do you have a favorite horse yet? I mean, not that these women are horses. It's a metaphor.

Reflections and Resolutions and Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 15:58:00 +0000

Well, here we are again at the end of the year. A time for people to reflect back and recap all their awesome moments over the past 365 days.

For me, 2012 was kind of a blur. 2011 was extraordinarily horrible. My biggest accomplishment was just surviving. So, 2012 was about getting back on my feet. I think I did pretty well. As you may have guessed from the long periods between blog posts, I was quite busy. Of course, who isn't busy? I was also somewhat uninspired (see: getting back on my feet). But, all in all, it was a good year. I won't bore you with the details.

Another thing that's popular this time of year? Resolutions.

I'm not big on resolutions. Partly because I think that you should fix whatever needs fixing when you realize it needs fixing or do whatever needs doing when you realize it needs doing, not wait for the new year. And partly because I never keep them.

However, there are a few things I would like to accomplish, so if you want to call them resolutions, go ahead. I'm just going to call them "things I would like to accomplish".

At a children's yoga class
with my niece

I started doing yoga in January. NOT because of a resolution, but because that's when the Groupon I bought started. Since then, I've actually kept up with it. I've switched studios, I've tried new things, I've spent entirely too long researching yoga mats. In 2013, I would like to continue practicing yoga. And finally be able to touch my toes. Apparently I have the tightest hamstrings in the history of the universe. At any rate, it's challenging. It's not "just stretching", like people seem to think. And it's nice that, of my extensive collection of yoga pants, one pair actually goes to yoga.
When did I start this blog? 2009? In that time, I'm pretty sure I've written a few hundred times about how much I need to clean out my closet and declutter my house. So far, no luck. Instead, I have accumulated more crap. And, thanks to a dog chewing a hole in a down comforter, now all my crap is covered in feathers. So, in 2013, I'd like to get at least one space decluttered. Maybe the closet. Maybe the spare room. Maybe just the kitchen table. The defeathering, however, may take years.

One of the many cakes I made
this year. See? I'm good. Please
contribute to my England fund.
Take a trip or two. We're hoping to go to Disney in December with my husband's family. I also have a pipe dream of going to England with a friend. In reality, probably only one will be possible. Unless all of you who are local order a lot of cakes from me. Phone lines are now open...
The last 10 pounds. A few months ago I tweeted that I expected the last 10 pounds to be monumentally harder than the first 50. Because, oh yeah, I've lost 50 pounds in the last year and a half or so. Yay me! But, since that tweet, the scale hasn't budged. I'm actually not huge on numbers. I go more by how I look and feel, but since I'm so close to the number I have in mind, that would just be icing on the cake. Mmm, icing. Mmm, cake. What was I saying?
Eat a green bean. I eat one a year, in hopes that I will eventually like them. So far, no dice. But I'll keep trying.

And, of course, keep up with my blog better. After all, the new season of The Bachelor starts next week...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Surviving the Facebook election...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 04:35:00 +0000

Election Day is upon us. If, like me, you have political opinions but prefer not to plaster your Facebook page with them... or see your friends posting in-your-face messages every 12 seconds... the next 48 hours are going to be rough. Well, the last 4 months have been rough, but it's all about to hit the fan.

My survival plan* includes candy. And a game. Because anything is tolerable if there is candy and a game.

*"Why doesn't your survival plan include staying off Facebook for a few days?" Um, as I already posted as my status, I enjoy a good dumpster fire. You know, as long as I have a survival plan.

I suppose this would fall under the "drinking game" category, but I don't drink and I've been on a diet since the midterms, so candy IS my drink of choice. But, hey, if that's your thing, just make sure you vote before you start getting sloshed. And also, don't use this game. It relies heavily on the candy.

Okay, you'll need some Skittles. I'm guessing the 2lbs. bag just to be safe. M&M's will probably work, too. Just adjust as needed.

Obviously, eat the required number of Skittles for every cliche statement. If you want, you can also keep a tally of which friend caused you to have to eat a Skittle. Then, whoever made you eat has to buy you a new pair of pants when yours no longer fit.

Depending on how many calories you wish to consume, you can apply this strictly to statuses or to all those super cool "poster" pictures, comments to other people's statuses, or, pretty much anything you see on Facebook ever.

Aaaannnd... EAT!!

Republican / conservative: 1 red Skittle
Democrat / liberal: 1 purple Skittle (unless you have the tropical pack. Then a blue one, obviously)
Taxes: 1 green Skittle
Mitt Romney's tan: 1 orange Skittle
Anything in the "The lesser of two evils" vein: 1 yellow Skittle
Election: 1 Skittle of any color
America: 1 red Skittle, 1 blue Skittle
Jobs: 2 green Skittles
Healthcare / Obamacare: 2 red Skittles
"GO VOTE!": 2 purple Skittles, plus an extra Skittle of your choice for each additional exclamation point
"Go vote... unless you're voting for...": 2 yellow Skittles
Civic duty: 2 Skittles of any color
Either candidate's religion: 2 orange Skittles
"Your vote counts!": 3 red Skittles, 1 Skittle of any color
A picture of a candidate that includes a Bible verse: 3 Skittles of any color
Budget / deficit / economy: 3 green Skittles
The troops / war / terrorists / Afghanistan / Iraq: 3 red Skittles
Socialist / Communist: 3 purple Skittles
Tea Party: 3 orange Skittles
Anything political on a Someecard: 4 Skittles in the color closest to the ecard's background
A profile picture changed to a Don't Tread on Me flag: 4 yellow Skittles
A profile picture changed to an American flag: 2 red, 2 purple Skittles
Any other profile picture changed to something political: 4 orange Skittles
Picture of an "I Voted!" sticker: 4 green Skittles (Bonus Skittle if it's Instagramed)
"God bless America": 4 Skittles of any color
Anything in the "If you don't vote, you can't complain" genre: 3 purple Skittles, 2 red Skittles
Abortion / pro-life / pro-choice: 5 red Skittles
Declarations that someone is moving to another country: 5 orange Skittles
Questions about President Obama's birth certificate: 5 purple Skittles
Picture of gas pumps and prices when various people were in office: 5 green Skittles
Any implications the Jesus supports a particular candidate: 5 yellow Skittles. (Bonus Skittle if they are praying for you if you vote a different way.)
Gay rights / gay marriage: 1 Skittle of every color
"I don't care how you vote, just vote!" A handful of Skittles
Pictures of children adorned with political messages of any kind: A handful of Skittles
Anyone who declares they didn't vote and / or don't care about politics: A handful of Skittles
Someone quotes The West Wing: a handful of Skittles. (Okay, fine. I added this one for myself because, if anyone is quoting The West Wing, there's a good chance it's me. And I just wanted more candy.)

Everything posted about politics on Wednesday: just keep eating Skittles until you pass out

Have I equally offended everyone now? And is there any way a 2lbs bag is going to be enough? If you're not in a diabetic coma on Thursday, let me know.

But seriously, go vote! And play nice on Facebook and Twitter. And buy me some new pants.

Downton Stabby

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 12:00:00 +0000

As you well know, I get entirely too invested in books, movies, and especially TV shows. So it should come as no shock that I've been head over heels for Downton Abbey for a while now. It's not something that, on paper, I would have expected to like.

I mean, a show about England that begins in 1912 and that airs on PBS? Really? Yes, really. It's drama, it's comedy, it's so well-developed. I love it. LOVE IT! And I know I'm not alone in loving it.

What I am, apparently, alone in is the complete inability to wait for the new season to begin in the US. It started airing about a month ago in the UK. And actually, I'm not completely alone. After all, I did learn how to watch it with the Brits from this post.

So, that's what I've been doing. With the full support of my husband, who also loves it... proving that it has some strange appeal to a huge variety of people.

Season 3 has been fantastic so far. But, I can't talk about it with any of my friends because you're all like "Oh, it will give me something to look forward to in January." AAAHHH!!!

It's killing me not to talk about it. Especially after Sunday's epsiode. So, I just have to get a few things off my chest:

First, Lord Grantham found out (_____) and wasn't sure if he should tell anyone else or not. Then Mary found out. Because she's nosy and finds out everything. So she tells Matthew. And then she finds out (_____) wants to (_____) to Matthew. Which would solve the whole problem. But Matthew says he can't (_____). And then she's not even sure if she wants to marry him if that's how he's going to be. She can be such a brat.

In the meantime, Mrs. Hughes finds (_____) and only tells Mrs. Pattmore. Like Mrs. Pattmore can keep a secret. So, of course, Carson finds out. Everyone is (_____) until (_____) tells them (_____). Which is good because if she (_____), I would have been pretty ticked.

And don't even get me started on Thomas and O'Brien.

Edith almost (_____) (_____) but that goes to crap. Like everything always does for Edith. So she decides to (_____) instead. Which, of course, Lord Grantham thinks is a terrible idea. I mean, she has to have some sort of voodoo hex on her, right?

Then there's Sybil and Tom. Oh, we call him Tom now. Not Branson. Well, we know they are pregnant. They come visit for (_____). And then again for (_____). But then (_____) happens in Ireland. Lord Grantham is super ticked off at Tom. I'm not sure I am. Or maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention. Okay, maybe I am.

The Dowager Countess is as dowager-y as ever. And Cousin Violet is involved in a new project trying to save (_____). Only (_____) won't work with (_____) because (_____) used to be a (_____). I kind of don't blame her. But, on the other hand, get over it.

Then, the whole time, Anna is still trying to prove Bates' innocence. It hits a snag when (_____). But then she talks to (_____) and finds out (_____). So Lord Grantham is working on that. I still can't decide what I think about it all.

And then, this week.... OH MY GOODNESS!! Everything is running smoothly when (_____). Lord and Lady Grantham disagree. They end up going with his way. WHICH IS WHEN (_____)(_____)!!!!!! Bloody 'ell!!!

I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE (_____)(_____)!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, people. $5 a month and I could have someone to talk to about this. Instead, I'm going to have to spend way more than that in therapy now. (Oh, and before you say "I thought your husband was watching", when I said "CAN YOU BELIEVE (_____)(_____)!!!!!!!!!!" he was like "Um, yeah. Because it's a TV show. Stuff happens." Men. Hmph.)

PS: You're welcome to guess what you think happens in the blanks but no, I won't actually tell you. Even if you beg. ~~Unless you bribe me with cookies.~~

The pumpkin that nearly landed me in jail

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:23:00 +0000

Saturday was a long day. David left the house before 6:00 AM to go hunting. Since the dogs sense his absence and turn into complete morons whenever he is not home, I was basically up at 6:00 as well. Add that to the fact that I was up until after 1:00 AM working on cakes and you've already got a recipe for a long day.

But, after he finished hunting and I delivered the cakes, we were to hop in his truck and head to his parents' house about two hours away. His grandmother has recently moved in with his parents and everyone has been pitching in as best we can to get things to their house or to various family members to whom she has bequeathed them. Or whatever the still-alive equivalent of "bequeath" is.

The upside is that she bought new appliances a couple of years ago and used them maybe twice before my mother-in-law started bringing her meals. She said if we would bring our appliances, we could swap them out with hers. Um, yes, please! A couple weeks ago, we got the stove (with the flat top so I don't have to scrub nasty burner wells anymore) and a fridge with ice and water through the door (because our prehistoric fridge did not have such and I had to walk ALL THE WAY to the sink to get water. Barbaric!)

This weekend, in exchange for David helping his dad move several large pieces of furniture, we got the dishwasher. Our dishwasher sounds like shuttle reentry (or, in the event that is actually quiet, maybe a C130 taking off in the middle of a NASCAR race, or, you know, something else that's obnoxiously loud) and doesn't even clean the dishes that well, so again, yes, please!

Anyway, a few hours of a sleep, 4 hours round trip in the truck, what looked like exhausting moving for my husband... and we were finally ready to call it a day.

Almost.

The death of me

Before we left, I noticed that Maize was having some difficulty in the, um, bathroom department. I Googled possibly remedies. Several websites suggested canned pumpkin.

Since David had done the physical labor for the day, I told him to go on home and I would swing by Walmart and get the pumpkin. I had taken my own car for the cake deliveries, then parked at Savannah's house and hopped in the truck with him. Normally I avoid Walmart like the plague, but it's quite close to her house, so I figured "How bad can it be? I have to get one thing."

Two things, actually. I remembered I needed blue eyeliner for my Halloween costume.

I headed to the checkout with just those two items in my cart. Why did I even have a cart? Well, because it's Walmart and you just never know what else you might find.

The lines were ridiculous. There were maybe 7 or 8 lines open. I don't know what the standard amount is for 7:30 on a Saturday night, but that clearly wasn't cutting it. Each line was at least 7 or 8 people deep. I chose the express line because if I have to wait for 7 people no matter what, at least these people have 20 items or less, right? Wrong. But anyway...

After what was probably 15 minutes, but seemed like an hour, of waiting, the cashier for my line announced that she wasn't helping anyone after "that lady" and pointed to the lady 4 people ahead of me.

At this point, I announced that I didn't need 2 things that badly and left my cart and walked out.

I mean, seriously, Walmart? I already knew you sucked... but shouldn't your cashiers tell people they can't take any more customers BEFORE 5 more customers line up beyond your cutoff? Because if you make people wait in a ridiculous line only to send them to the BACK of another ridiculous line? It's no wonder we're so violent these days.

I was annoyed, but also feeling kind of triumphant, like I really stuck it to The Man by walking out. I decided I would just head home and go to the grocery store in town.

Oh, and did I mention it was cold and rainy? I'm not sure why I have to mention that but it was.

I walked into the grocery store, grabbed the pumpkin, and headed for the checkout. One line was open. There were three people ahead of me. All in all, not terrible, considering what I'd just been through at Walmart.

But then the cashier announced that the people in front of her would be the last ones she could take.

I resisted the urge to fling the can of pumpkin at her head and yell "WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT MY CONSTIPATED DOG?!?!". But just barely.

Luckily, while I was winding up my throwing arm, I saw another cashier at a register -without the light on, clearly hoping no one would notice her - and I was finally able to give someone $2 for a freaking can of pumpkin.

I've worked in retail. I get that the boss sets the schedule of who goes to lunch or break at what time, but apparently I only worked in retail run by reasonable people. Because if there was a line of people, you finished helping them before you went to lunch or break. If you absolutely couldn't, you at least waited until someone else could take over for you or you told people as they were getting in line, not after. I just don't get it. (Insert old codger "Kids these day!" and "Get off my lawn!" remarks here)

So, to recap: I hate Walmart. ~~In fact, I'm a little annoyed that Savannah's house is nearby and basically forced me to go there.~~ I am not too keen on our little grocery store either. And pumpkin is highly effective in treating a variety of stomach ailments in dogs.

Grandma Carolyn's Miracle Face Mask

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 00:29:00 +0000

My late grandmother had the most beautiful skin. It was like porcelain. I always assumed it was because of her Irish genes. But, shortly before she passed, she shared her secret with me. Apparently this recipe has been in our family for over 150 years - back before they even left Ireland. It's been passed down from mother to daughter (or, in my case, granddaughter) for generations.

I say "recipe" because it's made from things you probably already have in your kitchen.

And, yeah, yeah, I'll probably get some flack for sharing our family face mask on the internet, but it's too good not to. Plus, I don't have any children so I don't want it to end with me. Besides, you all look nice. You can keep a secret, right?

Okay, here's what you'll need to get started:

Cornstarch
Cool Whip (She used homemade whipping cream, but I have found this works just as well and is a huge time-saver.)
Greek yogurt (I like the kind with honey, but plain is fine.)
Sugar (Again, plain is fine but I like these peppermint sprinkles because it adds a nice tingle)
Dry Shampoo
Icy Hot

Now, the Icy Hot isn't part of the mixture (Obviously! Can you imagine putting that on your face?) but my grandma had bad wrists and stirring up the ingredients made them hurt, so she'd have to put Icy Hot on them. My wrists are fine but I still use it on them just to be nostalgic. I know it's dorky, but I hope you will, too.

Step One: Mix it up

In a bowl, mix three big spoonfuls of Cool Whip, 1 tablespoon of cornstarch, and the entire container of Greek yogurt. If you're not ready for it right now, you can leave it in the fridge for a few hours. Add the sugar or sprinkles in last, right before you use it. You don't want them to dissolve.

Step Two: Prepare your face

Your skin needs to be dry for the mask to work properly. If you have naturally dry skin, you can skip this step. But, if you have oily skin, you'll want to lightly mist the oily area with the dry shampoo. Just mist it. You want your skin to look just a little powdery but not too much.

(Sorry that picture is so grainy, but you get the idea.)

Step Three: Apply the mask

I'm sure you can figure this part out, but, if not, it's the picture at the very top of this post. Apply it to your whole face, except the eye area.

After sharing this recipe with several of my friends, we've come up with some recommendations for how long you should leave it on. It actual depends a lot on your ethnicity. I hope it's not offensive to say that, but I have a diverse group of friends and we've all had different results, so...

Caucasian: 10 minutes
Asian: 12 minutes
African-American: 16.5 minutes
Indian: I'm not really sure. Our friend from India couldn't come the night we tried it out. But I'd say between 12-16.5 minutes.

Step 5: Enjoy!!

I like to give this away at the holidays or just sometimes randomly leave it on a neighbor's doorstep so they have a sweet surprise when they come home.

Of course, I attach directions on a cute printable.

The recipe above fits perfectly in one of the small Mason jars.

For best results, keep it in the fridge.

Use it about once a week. I promise, your skin will look amazing! Your friends will be like "Oh my gosh! It's like Benjamin Button! I swear you're aging in reverse!!"

Since I've been using it, my skin looks so fresh and young. And soft!! It feels like a baby's bottom. No, for real. Once after I did the mask, I asked my friend if I could touch her baby's bottom and it felt the exact same!

Step 6: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Seriously, people, I love Pinterest as much as the next gal, but anyone can make a fancy-looking tutorial and tie a ribbon around a Mason jar. Sometimes people are just making stuff up! In fact, the only part of this post that's true is that I do have a late Grandma Carolyn and she did have beautiful porcelain skin. Everything else is complete nonsense. That was whipped cream on my face. I made it pink with food coloring. And dry shampoo anywhere other than your hair? Does that seem like a good idea?

Also, if you enter your ATM number backwards in the machine, it will NOT alert the police that you are being robbed.

And any diet that promises you a rapid, dramatic drop in weight is probably quite unsafe.

And don't ask your friends if you can touch their baby's bottom. That's creepy.

So stick to making wreaths and pinning funny sayings. For everything else, use good sense.

Thanks for playing along!!

Bachelor Pad 3 {Finale}

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 15:56:00 +0000

Yeah, yeah, I kind of flaked on recapping the Bachelor Pad 3 finale. My OCD won't let me ignore it completely, but I just didn't feel like there was that much to say. I've been curating these recaps from tweets and there were about 4 tweets about the finale, sent over and over again -slightly rephrased- by a bajillion people.

So, I'm just going to hit the highlights...

Michael: Michael was called up to the hot seat to discuss his relationship with Rachel. What we saw made it look a little bit like Michael led her on and was fairly unapologetic about it. However, given that I continue to love Michael, I will refer you to his blog for his side of the story. What is sounds like to me is a classic case of "He's just not that into you".

Tony and Blakeley: Both of them talked about how in love they are and how they can be completely themselves with each other. They said they had a big announcement to make and stood up... Blakeley said she was moving across the country to live with him. (I think he's from Portland?) Tony had a "But wait, there's more..." moment and proposed. With, of course, a big honkin' ring from Neil Lane. And Blakeley answered "Are you effing kidding me?!" (Happy "effing kidding me" not angry "effing kidding me".) Of course, she said yes. I'm not going to elaborate on this much. If they are really in love and believe they can make it work, I wish them nothing but success. If this proposal is a bit hasty because Tony was offered a free engagement ring, well, then there's that.

Everything else was pretty tame to this point. No commentary from the crazy twins that I had -mercifully- forgotten were even on the show. Even Erica Rose had little to say, except that she'd seen Kalon out and about being flirty with women despite his claims that he and Lindzi are still a thing. And Jamie was wearing another crazy headband. And had gems stuck on either side of her eyes. She looked ridiculous. Some crying between Rachel and Jaclyn about how she betrayed Jaclyn by voting her out. Nick defending Rachel, saying it was his idea and she did lobby for her friend.

Finally, on to the vote...

The final couples, Chris and Sarah and Nick and Rachel. Chris urged the group to vote for Sarah, not him. He admitted to lying and leading people on and being a generally terrible human being and a true disappointment to his parents... but Sarah didn't do those things and deserved the vote. Nick talked about having played under the radar and not stirring up drama, but managing to stay in the game. And Rachel? Well, she got dumped by her pretend boyfriend and backstabbed by her friend, so that should clearly be worthy of money.

The first round of voting comes down to -shockingly- Jaclyn. She decides to stay loyal to Rachel and gives them her vote. That eliminates Chris and Sarah.

Next, as with every season, the final two can either pick "KEEP" or "SHARE". If both say "SHARE", they split the money. If both say "KEEP", neither get the money and it's split amongst the other players. If one says "KEEP" and one says "SHARE", the keeper keeps it all and the sharer gets screwed.

As they go to "deliberate", the group talks about their predictions. One of the fans who was voted out early says he'd keep it... it's a game and $250K is the prize. Others say "Oh, we'd share. Why not help another person too? $125K is still a lot." Someone says Rachel deserves it more. Kalon, in a moment of logic, says "Do you understand what 'deserve' means? None of us deserve this. We had the opportunity to come on a game show and try to win. That's not the same."

Rachel and Nick vote: Rachel says a lot of stuff about losing her partner (Michael) and this and that, but basically if she had had no partner, she wouldn't be there, so she chooses SHARE. Nick talks about how Rachel made it clear she didn't want to be partnered with him, she tried to leave several times and only stayed because Jaclyn convinced her to - not because of anything Nick said. And that she was calling Michael and whatnot instead of talking to Nick. Also, no one ever took an interest in Nick or showed loyalty to him. He did this primarily on his own. So he chooses KEEP.

Chaos ensues.

The audience cheers, the players call Nick names, he replies "I'm a schmuck? Well, I'm a schmuck with $250K!!"

Frankly, I don't have a problem with what Nick did. Why? Because it's a GAME!! As he pointed out, no one comes on saying "I want to win $125K." They all say "$250K." Well, the only way to win the full amount is to cut out your partner. Had he had a good partner who gave her all and was fiercely loyal to him the whole time, that's one thing. But he had a hysterical late-comer.

As someone tweeted, Bachelor Pad isn't kids' soccer. You don't get a participation trophy.

Now, just because I don't have a problem with Nick doesn't mean it's the "nice" thing to do. If I personally had a chance to keep a large sum of money myself AND give someone else an equally large sum, I think I would share it. That said, I don't know what is going on in Nick's life. If I had medical debt or some other circumstance that the full amount could solve, I very well might keep it. Who knows. Either way, it's still a GAME!!

And I'm glad it's over. 8 weeks was too long for Bachelor Pad. I hope they'll go back to 6 weeks if they do this again next summer. I'd still watch 8 weeks, but I know now I won't have the will to see tweeting and recapping all the way through.

So, onto bigger and better things... like waiting to hear for sure who the new Bachelor will be. What are your predictions?

H - E - double hockey sticks...

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 15:01:00 +0000

Lately I've been a little stressed at work. Whether or not it's related, I also haven't been sleeping well. Those two factors also result in my house being messier than usual. Also, we have three insane dogs. More than once I've caught myself thinking "This is my own personal hell..." Yeah, yeah, I realize that's overly-dramatic and there are people going through truly hellish situations like illness and war. I'm not trying to make light of that, just of my own craziness, so don't get too uppity, okay?
Also, I do believe in hell but I don't believe it's a personalized experience.

Nevertheless, if it were, here are some of the things I think would happen in my own personal hell:

Well, there are the givens: it will be obnoxiously hot and I will be taunted by goats. Standard hell stuff.
Another given is that everything would be slightly askew or otherwise just wrong enough to cause me an eternal OCD flare up.
Next, because I hate dumb questions and I hate repeating myself, I feel certain I would be asked the same dumb questions over and over and be forced to answer each time.
While answering dumb questions, I will be blind-hemming pants. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have the ability to hem pants in this life because my husband's uniform pants seem to be in constant need of it. But, I loathe it.
Every time I move my arms to and fro to hem the pants, a wet shower curtain will touch my bare skin.
Kevin Bacon will be jingling change in his pocket. Christopher Walken will be clipping his nails.
Dora the Explorer will be on TV. All commercial breaks will be Sarah McLachlan and the half-dead animals, followed by the Arkansas Cash for Gold ads.
I will have to pee the whole time.
One of the dumb questions will contain the phrase "Tristan and I's"... because the only way to make the horrific use of "I" worse would be to include the name Tristan.
Another dumb question will involve repeated use of the word "moist".
On movie night (yes, even hell has movie night), the only movies shown would be: Planet of the Apes, The English Patient, Three Kings, Titanic, Reindeer Games, and a little gem I hope you've never heard of but my husband loves called Tuff Turf.
Every year at Prom (yes, hell has that too) the songs that would play are: Promiscuous Girl, Say What You Need To Say, and an assortment of Reba McEntire, Nickelback, Bieber, and Ke$ha songs.
I'm not sure in exactly what capacity, but Honey Boo Boo would be there.
English peas would be the only available food. And my fork would scratch the plate with each bite.
Everyone would whisper. When speaking to me, they would whisper directly in my ear. When on TV or a movie, only whispering.

Okay, I have to stop. I'm sure there are more but I got so skeeved out by the whispering that I can't go on. Suffice it to say, I will be doing everything I can to spend eternity elsewhere. Because, in my own personal heaven, we eat cake all the time and Notre Dame and Arkansas tie for the football national championship every year. Ryan Lochte looks the same but is brilliant and eloquent and hilarious. Sandra Bullock and I are besties. And, most importantly, no one ever says "besties".

Bachelor Pad 3 {Week 7} Jaclyn and I both have trouble finding the will to go on

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 19:54:00 +0000

I don't have a lot to add to this recap. Except that I'm pretty much over this season. I have a feeling you might be, too...

Bachelor Pad 3 {Week 6} Kalon? Likeable? Who knew?!

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 19:33:00 +0000

Admit it, you never thought you'd be cheering for Kalon! Okay, maybe you still aren't. I definitely wouldn't say I'm cheering... but I did enjoy seeing him behave like a normal human towards Lindzi.

Let me know what you're thinking of the season so far. I think there are only a couple more episodes left. Are you even still watching at this point?

Bachelor Pad 3 {Week 5}

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 14:12:00 +0000

When you get to the end of my Storify recap, you'll see that Chris (the contestant, not the host) favorited one of my tweets and I was all "YAY! Chris favorited one of my tweets!!" But then, after I pulled the story together, Ed favorited AND retweeted one of my tweets!

And there was much rejoicing.

But not any editing of my Storify recap because I was already in bed. Plus, then I can still be talking about it next week.

Also, yes. I realize what a HUGE dork it makes me to be excited when someone who is mainly only famous in their own eyes interacts with me on Twitter. But, whatever. My dorkiness is not news. What might be news to you is that I actually think Ed is fantastic. Totally drunk. Not very well behaved. But fantastic.

Oh, 4 Pete's Sake

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 13:48:00 +0000

Normally I would consider bragging about one's intelligence to be extremely, well, unintelligent. And just plain bad manners. But, I think it's necessary just this once so you can understand the ridiculousness of the remainder of this story. So...

My IQ falls within the "superior" range.
I have a degree in Economics, which involved a fair amount of dealing with numbers.
I earned that degree with honors.
On a daily basis, I am responsible a piece of software which cost my company seven figures.
Last week I beat my niece at the match game.

However, I am apparently unable to distinguish between the numerals 3 and 4.

Look, I don't claim to be the greatest at math. But numbers? Well, prior to about 12 hours ago, I never questioned my ability to recognize them. I mean, that's more in the "literacy" realm, right? Furthermore, reading numbers is what got me in this predicament.

You see, my gas bill came in. It was $80+ dollars. Normally, in the summer months, my gas bill is $20-30. The only appliances that run off natural gas are the water heater and the furnace. During our last billing cycle, the average temperature was (no joke) 100°. Rest assured that the furnace wasn't turned on. So, the water heater. For two people to bathe daily and for a couple of loads of laundry a week washed in hot water. Something was clearly not right.

I called the gas company and the lady requested that I go out to the meter so she could walk me through reading it. Here's how it went:

Her: There are 4 dials across the top row. Each have hands like a clock. I will ask you one by one to tell me where each hand is. Okay?
Me: Yes.
Her: Beginning on the left, where is the hand?
Me: On the 4.
Her: I need to know which two numbers the hand is between. The 3 and the 4?
Me: No. It's directly on top of the 4.
Her: No, it will be between two numbers.
Me: It's ON the 4.
Her: We'll come back to that one. The next one, please...
(I read the remaining numbers)
Her: Now, on the first one, does it look like it's approaching the 4 as if it were coming off of the 3? Or does it look like it's passing the 4, headed to the 5?
Me: No.
Her: Which one?
Me: Neither. It's COVERING the 4. It is DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE 4!!
Her: That can't be right. That would be an astronomical difference from your last reading.
Me: Which is why I'm calling...
Her: Ma'am, I assure you that can't be right.
Me: Ma'am, I assure you that it is dead center of the 4.
Her: It's okay. Sometimes it will look like one number but it's actually another number.
Me: Sure. But, in this case, it's on the 4. Would you like to send someone out here to re-read the meter and verify that it is on the 4?
Her: That won't be necessary. I'm going to adjust your bill down to 3. There's just no way it's a 4. If it's still high next month, we'll send someone then. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Yes, perhaps you could send me some flash cards so I can brush up on my numbers.

Okay, fine, I didn't say the very last line. But everything else is exactly as it happened.

Still, I feel like I should double-check. This is a four, right?

And, while I realize it's a terrible picture and there's a shadow exactly where I'm asking you to look, the hand of the first dial is on the 4, is it not?

Audreya, maybe once a decade you could wipe off the cover of your meter.

Because exchanges like this make me question my sanity. Not my intelligence. My sanity. And I certainly don't need any help in that area.

Bachelor Pad 3, Week 4

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:05:00 +0000

Who'da thunk it? On Emily's season Kalon was the complete $*&#%! and Chris was a bit immature but generally likeable. Not on the Pad. Kalon is quiet, just dropping a few one-liners here and there and Chris? Well, Chris is EVERYWHERE! I know you have to blame "the edit" for a lot of things in reality TV, but dude! Chris is giving them material out the wazoo.

Bachelor Pad 3, Week 3: Wax Museums Terrify Me

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 14:39:00 +0000

This season of the Bachelor Pad isn't doing much for me. It's not that I expect high-brow discussions or anything, but I just don't find any of the people all that interesting. The people I hoped would be all crazy and dramatic (Kalon) have hardly said two words and people I barely remember (Sarah) are getting a lot of camera time. Maybe as a few more players are eliminated, the remaining ones will really up their game. Or maybe, speaking of Games, I'm just too focused on the Olympics.

What about you? Is anyone even watching?

Greatness

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 18:56:00 +0000

It's been about 12,000° outside for the last few weeks, so I've pretty much been cooped up in the house watching TV. Fortunately, the Olympics are on. While this could easily turn into 5,000 words about how much I love the Olympics, that's actually not my main point.

But, as long as we're on the subject, I do LOVE the Olympics. I am terribly unathletic... but for one summer every four years, I get to be an expert on swimming, diving, gymnastic, geopolitics, archery, athletic apparel, track and field, and who is dating someone from a rival team. Also, I am terribly unemotional... but for one summer every four years, I tear up at almost every shot in the crowd of an overjoyed parent whose child just medaled or at every story of someone who escaped a horrible fate and became a world class athlete. Then, two years later, I repeat it all for the Winter Games.
By the end of the two weeks, I'm in a zombie-like state from too many hours in front of the TV and too many weepy medal ceremonies. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the Olympics.

So, given my Olympic-sized emotions already, it should come as no surprise to you that a Nike commercial last night reduced me to a blubbering heap. Not to mention that it aired right before the men's 4 x 200 relay and somehow managed to keep my mind on the commercial much more than on Ryan Lochte. That's serious, y'all.

It's not the first ad I've seen in this series, but it was the first time I saw this particular ad. And maybe the only time I remember watching a commercial and thinking "HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS FANTASTIC!"

Seriously, I loved everything about it. I love the simplicity. No in your face graphics. No loud music. Just a person jogging. The sound of footfall and heavy breathing. Then when the jogger got close enough to see that he was overweight... and that he was a teen, whoa! (Well, I think he's actually 12, but close enough.) While I appreciated the message in the voiceover that spoke of greatness not being some magical power but being something in all of us, I was primarily fixed on the boy.

It's easy to say "Whatever. He's an actor." But he's not. He's a kid from London, Ohio. He puked while they were filming. He's awesome.

Do yourself a favor and don't read the comments after the YouTube clip. Any faith in humanity the commercial restored will quickly be destroyed by the trolls. "Why would a parent exploit their child like this?" "Now this kid is going to get bullied." "Running when you're obese is terrible for your joints." and on and on.

I assure you this kid has already been bullied. Considering that he and I are roughly the same height and he actually weighs 25 pounds less than I did last year when I decided to get healthier, I can promise you his joints hurt while he was jogging. But, he did it anyway. Sure, now he gets to say that he's been in a Nike ad, but somehow I doubt that was his only motivation. I like to think he did it partly to prove he could do it.

Maybe he should consider lower-impact forms of exercise. Maybe not. That's between him and his doctor. But the point is that he did something. Even if it was just for the commercial, it's still more than I did yesterday. It was a great reminder that I don't have to be an Olympic athlete - I don't even have to be a runner - but there's no reason my yoga mat has been rolled up for the last two weeks or that I don't even know where my tennis shoes are in case I decided to go for a walk on the indoor, air-conditioned track my city provides free of charge. I've got excuses. What I need is a little greatness. And about everything, not just fitness.

Nathan Sorrell, I've got mad respect for you. I think you're an incredibly brave young man. You've inspired me. That's not easy to do.

And Nike, congrats to you, too. For a split second, you almost convinced me to go for a jog. Then I remembered my doctor really did tell me not to jog. So maybe I'll just buy some Nike gear instead.

Bachelor Pad 3, Week 2: Taking the "win" out of "twin"

noreply@blogger.com (Audreya) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 14:56:00 +0000