Adopting my Identity

Who's House

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Thu, 27 Feb 2014 04:40:00 +0000

The time seems right for me to restart blog world. So much has happened, including breakdown and recovery from relapse of eating disorder. Proof though that for the adoptee adoption NEVER goes away.
I didnt know where to begin so Ive just began with some old drafts I didnt post.

Since Christmas I have thrown myself into the EU adoption site I set up with Mariana from illegal adoptions Greece I had hoped that my own situation would become something to let go of and put down to experience, that hasn't happened. The memories still keep bombarding me with no sense to them. I found it too painful writing this blog before but it did put a few things into order for me so here goes... round two.

Who's house was it? I know now it wasn't my real mums, so who's? We went after school one night, I know that because I remember wearing a green knitted cardigan so I must have been in junior school. Again I wanted to know about my mum and again I was told not to get upset but she didn't want me and she couldn't give a damn about me.

The next day you took me out of school early. In the car you told me we were going to see my mum. I don't remember how I felt. I can picture the house as though it was yesterday. The front door opened into the living room. It had red lino on the floor (think that's what it was called) and a window both sides of the door. There was a wooden table that wobbled under one window, I sat there with a boy painting. It was a magic painting book. You just dipped the paint brush in water and the colours came on the page (god why cant' everything be that easy). The woman (she wasn't my mum) had a beehive hair style though I haven't a clue what she looked like or who she was. You must have told me something about her, even if just to explain why we were at her house. A bit later (not sure how long) I was told my mum wasn't coming and we left. The woman gave me a tiny tears doll (which my niece now has) and the foot had been chewed on it.

All the way home I kept hearing 'told you she couldn't be bothered' 'you should have listened' 'its your own fault' (meaning my crying). I don't think I ever asked to see my mum after that. My mum knew nothing about it (I know now). Who's house was it, woman, who were you. All I am sure of is whoever she was she wasn't on my adop mums list of hate. I know because she didn't take tiny tears away from me. I don't even know if over the years I ever asked about the lady who gave me my doll, I probably did because I loved my tiny tears and a child would ask wouldn't they?
I will update this a bit later. I now know who the lady is... She is the one good thing to come out of all this and a special lady {but not my mum}.

Great British Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:13:00 +0000

Adopted he's Not

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:51:00 +0000

Me holding my granson the day he was born.

My first grandchild was born 12 weeks ago. His birth blew me away like nothing else. My daughter was seriously ill for the first 8 weeks meaning no time to think between looking after the baby and daily visits back and forth to hospital. Thankfully my daughter is fine now and I'm loving having my grandson of a weekend and handing him back to his mum on a Sunday.

Sacha knew the risks when she got pregnant and while I was against it at first I supported her decision. I have tried so hard over the years not to let cystic fibrosis control who Sacha is or how she is treated. I used to think I had done a great job at achieving this (smug bitch, yeah I know). I look at Sacha now with her son and I am so proud. I never got her this far. She did that herself. She has more courage and determination in life than I could ever have.

I never thought anything could top having my kids. I loved them to death instantly. I suddenly stopped being alone (selfish) and instead of being me I became we. I split from my kids Dad when my youngest was a month old. if you asked my kids what sort of mum I've been they would say 'the best'. God love 'em! Best I have not been. We have struggled, they can spot a debt collector a mile off, they go into shock if the electric lasts all week and our dog is a redundant carol singer (they exploited him to the max). Despite everything my 2 lads and their sister are very close and they all have dead big hearts. Sacha's son has become the number one in all our lives. I love the fact that he will never have to wonder who is family are. He will never have to look though the family photo album and have unfamiliar faces looking back at him. He will never have to look in the mirror and question where he got his nose or who's eyes does he have. Best of all he will always have a family tree, a tree with real branches and meaning. He will always know his truth and never have to pretend. God I love having a grandson!

adoption rollercoaster

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:40:00 +0000

we can dream!

Buy me a God

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 09:11:00 +0000

Can Atheists Be Parents? That is the title of the article by the way and not my question. A New Jersey Judge has denied a couples application to adopt at the final stage of the process. The reason...

they don't have any 'belief in a supreme being'. The actual facts of the case didn't surprise me (sad to say). What pissed me off, was the article. I'm not even sure why it bugged me so much, anyway but it did!

The author reserved one sentence to show concern for the child. Six years of childless marriage (Lori Tay alert) She describes the Burke's as young, scandal-free and solvent, of "high moral and ethical standards," with Mr Burke being a speech pathologist.

While the author paints the Burks as saints in their own right she fails to see all those qualities don't mean good parents they just mean they can finance buying a child!

They chose the Children's Aid and Adoption Society in East Orange because... wait for it... they have a son who is now 31 (my god I do hope she made a typing error with the age) whom they acquired from the same East Orange agency. Acquire, what's all that about! you acquire useless bits of information as you go through life. You acquire other peoples junk when they pass on.You DON'T acquire kids!

I have rambled on moaning and nit picking I know but it annoys me that people can get fired up enough to cry of injustice of an adult not getting want they want. Yet they do not get a flicker of emotion as to what adoption actually means for a child.

FUCK the childless (Lori Tay alert) purchases wheres your anger at the injustice served on innocent children and the non solvent mothers! Rant done.

Justice for Scott

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 04:59:00 +0000

Help Scotts mum and family get the justice they deserve.

Please sign the petition

http://www.gopetition.co.uk/petitions/justice-for-scott/signatures-page1.html

Scott Burgess was found stabbed to death on 06-09-07. Steven Price, Irene and Karen Duncan had planned how to murder him, then did so in his own living room! They stabbed and tortured Scott with knives then watched as he bled to death a long lingering horrific death. They showed no compassion or regret, they even took their photos with Scott's corpse. Not even the girls phoned an ambulance this was an evil crime yet all Irene got was 27months, Karen 7 years and Price a 15 year recomendation. For this evil barbaric crime these sentences are far too Lenient.

adoption hurts - truth ignored

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Fathers for Justice

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:21:00 +0000

On Sunday - Father's Day - North Wales Police were alerted to a car off a hillside road
near Llanrwst by a passer-by. Inside they found a brother and sister from Cheshire lying dead with their father.
Brian Philcox, 52, from the Windmill Hill area of Runcorn, was a member of Fathers for Justice.

Mr Philcox had picked up Amy aged 7 and Owen age 3 from an arranged access visit on Friday. They had been reported missing on Saturday night and police in Cheshire had been looking for them.
Why Brian Philcox killed his children I dont know. All I know is two more children have died in a battle over child care. Full story

Poor Scouser Tommy

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 06:39:00 +0000

Dad, you probably taught me this song before I knew my ABC. You used to say an old man sang it to you after you were kidnapped by evertonians. I believed you, well it was your name! I miss you so much. If your looking down on me you will know I know the truth about my 'adoption' but it hasnt changed how I feel about you. I bet you laughed your socks of when I discovered my family were ALL Evertonians. Happy Fathers day. Nearly 20yrs and still no justice. YNWA
xxxx

Adoption exploitation

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 07:42:00 +0000

MTV are about to promote adoption!

ACT NOW

We try so hard to have our voices heard, yet no one listens. Short of crying tears of blood I am at a loss of what to do. Here is the email I have copied from writing my wrongs outlining MTVs plans.
NCFA Lends a Helping Hand to MTV’s True Life Adoption Documentary

The National Council For Adoption is lending a helping hand to the producers of an adoption documentary for the successful and popular MTV’s True Life series. Previous True Life documentaries have dealt with substantial subjects such as autism, schizophrenia, and war-weary veterans returning from Iraq.

The adoption documentary will follow three or four young unwed birthmothers on video as they go through difficult and emotional decisions in developing adoption plans for their babies.

According to the show’s producers, the goals of the True Life adoption documentary are "to help de-stigmatize the adoption process and to show that adoption is a choice that loving, responsible mothers make when they believe it’s best for their child. We also hope to express the range of emotions birth mothers feel as they go through this process."

These goals coincide with the mission of NCFA’s new iChooseAdoption public awareness campaign to "create a more pro-adoption culture in which everyone, including women facing unplanned pregnancies, can consider adoption freely without fear, bias, or misunderstanding" and to "promote a culture that respects and appreciates birth mothers, honors their decision-making process, and supports their choice of adoption."

MTV is conducting a nationwide search for prospective birth mothers for the True Life adoption documentary.

If you know of any expectant birth mother who you feel would make a good candidate for this documentary, please contact the producers directly at adoption@mtvstaff.com, or by calling 718-422-0705.

We expect the True Life show to bring the adoption process more into the public limelight and provide a viable and important link to the target audience we are trying to reach with our iChooseAdoption message, namely young unwed expectant birth mothers who are facing difficult decisions concerning the future of their babies.

Thank you.

Chuck Johnson

We have to be the voice for these babies. Adoption hurts children, we know because those hurt children live inside us. The influential rich and famous are doing a good enough job already when it comes to promoting ignorance. I'm sick of seeing celebrities swinging their latest purchase on their hips. The money they paid to buy their 'must have' ethnic baby, could, if they truly cared, probably have supported the baby and its entire village for a lifetime.

Obviously bored with the multicultural theme another trend needs to be found. Once again the words 'best interest of the child' will be used to exploit and damage the lives of so many. For what? entertainment.

Please email Chuck Johnson at adoption@mtvstaff.com and make your voice heard.

Here is the email that I have sent:

Chuck;

I'm writing from the UK with regards to your True Life
adoption documentary. Please, if you genuinely care
about the emotional and long term well being of
mothers and children don't help to promote adoption.

The Internet is full of yesterdays adoptees all trying so
hard to be heard. We come from all over the world, all
walks of life, all religions and one thing in common.
Hurt.

Adoption is not about children nor is it about the
loving selfless act of a responsible woman acting in
her child's best interest. I wont use the word birth
mother because if you look into the history of adoption
you will discover that 'birth mother' was manufactured
for the purpose of letting the mother know that 'birth'
was where her role ended. It was also to reinforce the
idea that the adoptive mother was the real mother.

Adoption for a child and mother is about loss. While
the adoptive family celebrate their joy at becoming a
family, somewhere there is a mother crying. All the
love in the world does not stop the empty feeling that
grows stronger with time in the child.

Please take the time to listen to other adult adoptees.
The full impact of adoption only surfaces when we are
adults.

I would also ask you to consider what effect your
documentary will have on the children involved. I cant
emphasise enough the pain that we go through
searching for answers. No adoptee should have to sit
and watch that moment of separation. Adoptees don't
just hurt for themselves, they hurt for every tear their
mother might of shed.

Thank you for your time.

tina

Adoption not an option

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:15:00 +0000

Mother facing jail for abandoning toddler.

· Boy, 2, was penned alone in kitchen for three days
· Flooding alerted police to wilful neglect, court told.

Every time I read headlines like this I have to question my beliefs. Can adoption be so wrong for a child that has suffered such parental cruely. Adoption (if it works out) can give a child a loving caring family. Something that all children deserve.

When I think of it like that adoption seems so right for a child.
No matter how hard I try to hold on to that thought my inner voice shouts above it.
Adoption severs all legal ties from all family members. Adoption replaces old family ties with new ones. If a child has a new family that loves them, then surely that wont matter, right?

Well for a small child it probably wont matter. Why should it? ABC, finger painting and fairy tales are enough for them to be getting on with.

Adopted children dont stay children, like everyone else they grow and mature. With this comes knowledge and the need to understand.
Adoption only considers the child and ignores the adult, yet its when adoptees progress into adulthood that the full impact of adoption hits them. How does an adoptee say to an adoptive parent , I want to know everything about my real family or I want to find my real family even. Adoption gives a child a family. Adoption takes away identity. Adoption re writes personal history. Adoption attaches untold feelings of guilt for needing to know the truth.

So yes, I still think adoption is wrong. Long term legal guardianship would give a child a much needed 'family' without taking identity, without re writing history and without severing legal ties to the family that they where born into.

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:10:00 +0000

Hi, My Daughter is finally home!!! and enjoying being a Mum.

adoption hurts - tagging sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sat, 24 May 2008 06:16:00 +0000

Children - The UK Currency

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:45:00 +0000

adoption hurts... the continuation

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:39:00 +0000

It should of been so good..

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:51:00 +0000

My first Grandchild was born on the 6th April. His arrival was amazing. I must have felt every emotion imaginable. Excited that he was on his way and helpless to see my daughter in pain.
On the 7th April everything turned numb. My Daughter went into intensive care. It should never of been like this. My Daughter should be cuddling her little boy instead she has photoghraphs that she is yet to see. My Grandson is at home with me and all I can do is cuddle him until his mum is well enough to.

Type rest of the post here

Adoption Targets

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:49:00 +0000

The UK Government and local authorities have, for the past 3 years denied setting adoption targets.

10th March 2008 the London Borough of Hammersmith announced: they are pleased to get £500,000 from the government for hitting the government adoption target of 101 adoptions. The Government target, known as a Local Public Service Agreement (LPSA), challenged the Council to successfully achieve 101 adoptions or secure placements during the last three year period in return for £500,000 of funding. Once again our Government told no lies. Once again the have they have scrapped an offending act and immediately reintroduced it with a different title. Society in general has undergone many changes over the years. Like wise Government spin have also changed to reflect this. The one thing that hasn't changed over time is the UKs Governments ability to decieve in order to do what ever it feels like. http://johnhemming.blogspot.com/

Child Trafficking- Introduction

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:21:00 +0000

adoption sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 15:32:00 +0000

Mum, have you any idea what you have done to me. I've just come back from a counselling session at the eating disorder clinic. The second one since starting back on the program. Probably my last one. I sat like a dummy while the woman asked questions and as usual she filled the silences with assumption.

'Do you see your mum much'..'no, well I suspect your still angry with her'...blah blah blah. Hundred and one questions and not one answer. I wanted to scream at her no Im not angry at her and no we haven't had a big show down. I'm fucking hurt and my mum hasn't got a clue about any of this.
Mum how did I end up like this. You have no idea that I have found my real family and that I know the truth. Its been 2yrs since we spoke and I know it hurts you. I'm scared though of seeing or speaking to you. Its a conversation I can never have with you, mainly because I know your not that deranged mother who was cruel anymore. Your a completely different person now. Its been 2and half years since I found the truth and I should be dealing with it not sitting here like a fucking idiot with tears streaming down my face.
I cant even be bothered to say the rest

Rhys Jones

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 02:07:00 +0000

This post is off topic but is well deserving of a mention.

I would like to wish Stephen Jones every success with his launch of a new football tournament The Rhys Jones Memorial Cup. Football with an anti-gun message. A fitting tribute to his son Rhys.

Stephens' son Rhys, an only child, was shot and killed while walking home from football practice in my home town of Liverpool last year link .He was just 11 years old. Rhys, like most Liverpool kids, was football mad. As every Scouser knows your either a Red (LFC) or your an Evertonian (EFC). Rhys was an Evertonian through and through.

Although no one has yet been charged with Rhys' murder his mum and dad still maintain a quiet dignity. My complete respect goes out to them.

Liverpool FC and Everton FC have both got involved with the new football tournament that is open to all under 12s Merseyside teams. Stephen hopes that the tournament will encourage more kids to join teams rather than gangs.

Love without adoption

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:59:00 +0000

Madeleine McCann - The Betrayal Of Madeleine

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:23:00 +0000

Adoption Hurts

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:48:00 +0000

not worth a title

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 10:58:00 +0000

Why do I do it, why put myself through it. It wasn't till I was drowning in my snot and tears that I actually realized I was doing it. Doing what... searching fuckin searching.

I must have gone from site to site for hours. Sad thing is I wasn't looking for anyone, I was hoping someone might be looking for me. Pathetic or what. I'm an adult and Im sat crying because all those searching post and not one solitary person wants me. I need to give myself a slap and get some sleep. Once again without any warning fucking adoption has had me in the net again!

Open Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Tina with much2say) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:00:00 +0000

We don't know each other, are paths have probably never even crossed but I have some things I want to say. Why, your probably asking. Well I was once the child your child is today. Maybe I just want you to hear the things I wish my adoptive parents had heard. I don't know, all I do know though is I care enough to say what a child cant.

Adoption hurts. It hurts real bad and it is a lonely hurt. How does a child who hurting for the loss of their mum and the life they cannot have find away to tell you, you the mum and dad who they love, and who loves them, how can they do it. They cant and they don't, and do you know why? fear of hurting you. So you see we cry inside and we pretend we have no interest in our past and that we learn to smile when you tell us how happy and special it was the day you got us, for you adoption day was all those things and more.

For the child it was the day they lost what should have been but couldn't be. The day they stopped being who they where. Does that make sense. A day of grief.

There are no simple answers when it comes to helping your adopted child grieve. We all face grief at some point in our lives, how best we cope with it very much depends on the support around us. It is automatic to want to heal the pain of grief in our child. As an adoptive parent you will want to provide that same love and understanding to your adopted child. This is where your needs and wants may well differ from what your child wants and needs.

When you adopt a child undoubtedly, you want to feel the child is truly yours. In every way equal, No different from if you had given birth to them. You want them to feel the same. It is not the same and you may well have to go through a grief process of your own to come to terms with that.

The grief process can be broken down into stages. Typically Shock, disbelief, sadness, extreme sense of loss and bewilderment. Understanding, acceptance and ultimately moving on. What order the process takes is not important nor does it have a time span. Arriving at the point of acceptance and moving on is the point at which we heal.
An adopted child will go through this process many times. Acceptance and moving on, for many does not happen until adulthood. Occasionally never happening at all.

So, how can you help them?
Firstly, understand that whatever your child is feeling is real. They have no control over it and it is in no way a reflection on how they feel about you. Telling your child about their adoption really needs doing at a young age. It will probably seem exciting to them when you first tell and they will probably ask one hundred and one questions at one hundred and one miles per hour. Don’t make it sound like a fairy tale to them. Or use words like special or chosen. Your child needs to grow up knowing that they are special for no other reason than being who they are!

Life will probably settle down quickly after you have told your young child. The novelty will soon wear off. For that, you will be thankful and proud at how well you have all dealt with it.
Be prepared. All the talks you had with them when they were little where exactly that. Talks with a little child. As they get a bit older, they want to know every thing all over again. Tell them all over again. Find out as much as possible about their parents and background before hand. Being great parents will not stop them having a need to know. Their need to know is about them, it is that simple. Don’t think you have failed as a parent. Allow them the freedom to discover and understand without guilt.

Questions and feelings of identity and sense of belonging will surface again. The threshold of adulthood brings romances and thoughts of futures. This for an adoptee also brings thoughts of their beginnings once again. Ask yourself this one question. Could you dream of a future if you did not have a past? The two go hand in hand.

If, as a young adult your child speaks of their past or maybe even talks of tracing family to you, celebrate. Only a parent can instill that much trust and faith into a child. Nothing or no one can replace what you build together but you can chose to share what ever the future holds.

from
a child that couldn't be