"Time's Up!"

Iago: Shakespeare's Psychopath

2018-03-01T07:59:00.000-05:00

By Heidi Hiatt

Will you, I pray, demand that demi-devil

Why he hath thus ensnared my soul and body?

While reading a legal newsletter I subscribe to this week, I came across an article about Iago, the villain in Shakespeare’s Othello. Dallas lawyer Michael Maslanka asked “What Can Lawyers Learn From ‘Othello’?”

Maslanka makes two fantastic points in this piece about being on guard against manipulation and rationalization. In Othello, Iago manipulates everyone around him to achieve his goals of revenge and self-promotion. He does so as if he’s everyone’s friend and is genuinely concerned about their well-being. He plays all sides against each other.

“One of the ways he’s so successful at controlling others is by leveraging their positive qualities to serve his own ends,” Maslanka says. He also points out Iago’s ability to disguise himself as something he is not: “Always remember, as Iago warns us: ‘When devils will the blackest sins put on, They do suggest at first with heavenly shows, As I do now.’”

When Iago’s mind-bending, seductive influence finally drives Othello to kill his wife, Othello rationalizes the murder as an honor killing. Noting Othello’s attempt to justify this atrocious act, Maslanka reminds his audience that people often believe what they want to believe. For that reason, people’s ability to “impose narratives on events”, he says that attorneys should “be skeptical… rigorously examine their narratives, and probe for the story beneath the story.”

Why didn’t I think of this? Iago is the perfect example of the type of sociopath/narcissist I wrote about in my Hypnotic Milfoil blog entry earlier this week. He has been referred to as the greatest of villains and loathed for his cunning destruction of others’ lives for over 400 years.

When I began to think about just how perfectly Iago represents the self-serving, scurrilous vampires I write about, I was floored. As a longtime believer in the validity of Dr. Robert Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist Revised (PCL-R), I reviewed that list of common characteristics of psychopaths to find that Iago fit the bill:

-glib and superficial charm
-grandiose estimation of self
-need for stimulation
-pathological lying
-cunning and manipulativeness
-lack of remorse or guilt
-shallow affect (superficial emotional responses)
-callousness and lack of empathy
-parasitic lifestyle
-poor behavioral controls
-impulsivity
-irresponsibility
-failure to accept responsibility for own actions
-criminal versatility

There were only six characteristics on the list that I did not see in Iago, sexual promiscuity, early behavior problems, lack of realistic long-term goals, many short-term marital relationships, juvenile delinquency, and revocation of conditional release.

Perhaps if we knew Iago’s backstory, or more about his private life, we would see those traits as well. It is interesting to note that Iago and his wife Emilia were not close, and it is Emilia who exposes him for what he is.

Iago also meets many of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) criteria for narcissism:

-a grandiose sense of self-importance
-is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
-requires excessive admiration
-has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations
-is interpersonally exploitive, takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
-lacks empathy, is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
-is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
-shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

There is an ongoing debate in academia about the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths, both being people without conscience that use and abuse others for their own ends. Some argue that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made, although that may be too simplistic of an explanation.

Modern science has shown that there are physical differences in the brains of people with issues like psychopathy and borderline personality disorder. But some scientists have shown that you can have such a brain and never indulge its negative potential; it is external factors combined with personal choices that usually turn the mental disconnects on.

Iago was an opportunist who probably wasn’t new to his game of manipulating people, and ultimately, he admits his crimes but refuses to speak about them. For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll refer to him as a sociopath, one notch down on the “people lacking empathy” scale from a psychopath, which is considered the most extreme form of this condition. His deviancy may have been formed as he went through life and found chances to exploit others instead of being inherent.

Now that we know what Iago is, we can put this in perspective. Othello begins in Venice with Iago and his friend Roderigo discussing their dissatisfaction over two major events. Roderigo has just learned from Iago that the woman he wanted to marry, Desdemona, has eloped with Othello, a Moorish general in the Venetian Army. Iago is complaining to Roderigo that Othello has made a younger man, Cassio, his lieutenant instead of him.

Iago, already Othello’s ensign, believes that he is far more deserving of the rank of lieutenant because of his firsthand experience with battle. Cassio is well-educated and qualified for the position, but does not yet have real world experience with war. We have no reason to question Othello’s judgment in promoting Cassio to lieutenant or in marrying Desdemona; he obviously recognized qualities in both of them that made them most worthy of their titles.

Because Othello and Desdemona were married in secret, Iago incites Roderigo to tell her father, a senator, before the happy couple can. They wake the senator in the middle of the night and inform him of the marriage in an inflammatory and discriminatory way. Iago then goes to Othello and tells him the senator is coming for him.

Othello successfully defends himself to her father and others, then leaves for Cyprus to quell a Turkish invasion. When Othello, his wife, and their staff arrive there, they find that the Turks’ ships were destroyed in a storm, and they host a celebration. Iago seizes this opportunity to get Cassio drunk, and uses Roderigo to start a fight with him. Cassio gets blamed for the altercation, and Othello demotes him, allowing Iago to move in closer.

Othello and Iago had a history, but Othello should have maintained a strictly business relationship with him. Instead, Iago becomes the demon whispering in his ear, dropping lies into his brain like poison into a glass of wine. When Iago, feigning unwavering loyalty and deep devotion, convinces Othello that his wife is having an affair with Cassio, Othello makes him lieutenant.

Cassio, in the meantime, has asked Desdemona to intercede on his behalf since he has been falsely accused. Othello misinterprets her advocacy for Cassio as further proof of her infidelity, and Iago is able to plant evidence to further Othello’s suspicions.

Believing that Iago’s great “love” for him is real, Othello proceeds to abuse and humiliate his wife. His hatred of her becomes so strong that he publicly attacks her, strikes her in front of her family, and falsely accuses her. Desdemona, completely innocent and genuinely in love, cannot understand why this is happening to her. She knows she has does nothing wrong and is horrified at her husband’s behavior.

Othello subsequently loses his post and Cassio rises to take his place. Iago convinces Roderigo to murder Cassio, and while Roderigo is attacking him in the street, Iago, in disguise, sneaks up behind Cassio to join in. Cassio does not die but is seriously wounded, and Iago comes back to the scene to coordinate the rescue effort. Iago kills Roderigo to hide their plot and accuses Cassio’s love interest of the crime.

Desdemona, reeling from her husband’s abuse, tells her maidservant, Emilia—who is also Iago’s wife– that she cannot comprehend that any woman could be capable of committing adultery. She is completely committed to Othello and would never do such a thing to him.

Even so, Othello calls his wife a litany of degrading, insulting names, and after she begs for one more night to live, then one more half hour, then just one more prayer, Othello kills her. By this time he is so ensnared by Iago’s web of lies that he tries to convince himself this was necessary.

Emilia arrives soon after the murder and realizes that her husband, Iago, is responsible for everything. She exposes his deception and manipulation based on hard evidence, and here Iago’s true nature explodes into vivid Technicolor for all to see. He can no longer hide the self that has been seething below the surface, moving other human beings around like pawns on a chess board.

“Villainous whore!” he shouts at his wife. “Filth!” Out of loyalty to Desdemona, Emilia refuses to be quiet or go home as Iago is screaming at her to do, and enraged, he stabs her to death. Like the coward he is, he runs away as reality begins to melt Othello’s hypnotic obedience to him.

Othello berates himself loudly and mourns his wife, realizing that he was manipulated into homicidal rage by the scheming Iago. Iago is brought back to the scene by Cassio and others, and Othello plunges a sword into him, only to wound him, not kill him. Othello wants him to live with the consequences of his actions.

Othello apologizes to Cassio, at which point he asks him about Iago, “Will you, I pray, demand that demi-devil/Why he hath thus ensnared my soul and body?” Then, after admitting that by killing Desdemona he threw away a priceless treasure, he acknowledges the extreme pressure that reduced him from being a renowned general to a game piece. Before he can be taken into custody, he kills himself.

It is critical to understand one truth about this story: no one was having any problems until Iago came along. Had he never come into the story, Othello and Desdemona, and everyone else, could have had a wonderful marriage and happy lives, barring any future problems. Iago and his sociopathic influence over others started the chain of events that led to their demise.

Through the centuries, people have analyzed Iago as if he were some exceedingly complex creature that is difficult to understand. This is not an original thought, but there is nothing complex or gifted about Iago. By his nature, not even by virtue of his intelligence, he instinctively exploited others’ areas of weakness and attacked what was dearest to them.

This is typical sociopathic behavior that such people can exhibit without consciously trying. This is a base, average human being with its conscience and empathy stripped away. There is a fundamental part of them that is suppressed or missing. Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, and others like them are possessed by their condition. It’s not a part-time job. It’s who they are.

Nothing—no conquest, no rank, no triumph, no accomplishment—would have been enough to satisfy the bottomless pit inside this cowardly sociopath who got everyone else to do his dirty work. His insatiable hunger cost Othello, Desdemona, Roderigo, and Emilia everything.

The promotion he gained when he robbed Cassio of his position only served to fuel his ego. He was not satisfied with convincing Othello that Desdemona was having an affair, he had to take it farther and destroy Othello for not giving him that coveted promotion in the first place. Iago wrongly believed that what Cassio had was rightfully his.

Because of his nature, Iago was incapable of ever really being loyal to anyone but himself. That is what we as individuals and a society need to realize about what author Sandra Brown calls the “Low Empathy/Conscience Spectrum Disorders”—sociopathy, psychopathy, antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline/borderpath personality disorder, and combinations thereof.

People with many of these disorders are their own god; in some cases, nothing truly matters more than themselves. These are not disorders that anyone else can fix for them—there is no amount of love or punishment that can cause permanent change. Many such people stay this way for life, and without the invited intervention of God’s grace combined with repentance and long-term commitment to suitable therapy, there is unlikely to ever be change.

Please be mindful that sociopaths and psychopaths are particularly adept at using their presence in church, in counseling, in support groups, and in the social realm as “proof” that they have changed. This can be especially true when there is a repeated pattern of them utilizing these means to convince others that they are reformed. Christianity is an often-cited cover for those lacking a real conscience. They know exactly what terminology to use and actions to showcase to convince others of their “sincerity.”

Sociopaths and psychopaths are largely beyond conventional help, meaning that counseling and other means of self-improvement may have no genuine effect on them. Even more disturbing, they may be using their self-help quest to learn to become better at their deception. They can also use therapy to shift the blame for their issues onto others, acting as if their family or partner has shared responsibility for the hole in their soul.

If we are to protect the genuine and the innocent among us, we must acknowledge that there are truly wicked, soul-sucking, pathological people out there—Iagos– who will never change. They may mellow with age, they may improve at hiding their true nature, but they are driven by forces of darkness that rejoice in the destruction of others, use others without remorse, and rationalize deception. They may be so used to their condition that they are not even consciously trying to be this way.

Othello, the great leader, the exceptional man who earned a position of prestige in a prejudiced society, the distinguished husband whose stories of trials and tribulations had won the heart of an adoring, faithful woman, was reduced to being Iago’s pitbull. By allowing his insecurities and fears to be probed and his ego to be stroked, he lowered his standards and became someone quite different from his authentic self to “satisfy” a sociopath.

Here in the 21st century, the same tragedies and consequences of sociopathic behavior are playing out all over our nation. Because of power-hungry devils like Iago, healthy relationships are broken up, loving marriages are stopped in their tracks, and children who would have otherwise existed will never be born as a result.

Innocent children repeatedly have their hearts broken by such self-absorbed behavior, and are conditioned to experience personality disorders, dysfunction in their own relationships, substance abuse, and domestic violence through it. Innocent men and women are increasingly finding their lives and livelihoods blown apart by it. Entire family trees and family legacies are being obliterated by the Iagos of our time.

Let us pray that the Iagos in our lives are exposed for what they are before they escalate and do even worse damage than they already have

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

2018-02-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

I grew up with the highs and lows of the 60’s and 70’s. One thing I am truly grateful for during that era is the amazing music and the artists of its times. Aretha “Rockin’, Rollin’” Franklin, Mick Jagger, The Temptations, and the amazing and talented Tina Turner. Only to name a few. But for this piece, I’d like to look more closely at one of Ms. Turner’s biggest hits, among many. “What’s Love Got to Do with It?”

As Ms. Turner’s life unfolded before us with the release of the biographical film by the same name in 1993, it became apparent why and how Turner could write the below lyrics:

In her chorus Tina sings:

“What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second-hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken”

In her verses she recites:

"You must understand how the touch of your hand, makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl, opposites attract

It's physical, only logical
You must try to ignore that it means more than that

It may seem to you that I’m acting confused, when you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed I've read it someplace, I've got cause to be
There's a name for it; there's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me

I've been taking on a new direction, but I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection, it scares me to feel this way”

Clearly in her lyrics, Ms. Turner is speaking about a physical attraction. And love, real love, is clearly denounced or, at least, not worth being sought. She speaks of opposites attracting and we clearly know today, via Quantum Physics, like attracts like.

This emotion she’s read about has led to broken-heartedness. And, if you know her story a few broken bones, as well. This may have been your experience. So, from this, let’s explore love from a different perspective, for just a few minutes, please.

Let’s look at love from a personal, purely selfish view point. That is looking at love within ourselves first, not narcissistically but from self-preservation. We will see that love, agape, is all beautiful, perfect, and divine. So now we must look at what is this agape?

Agape is an ancient Greek-Christian term referring to love. It is the highest form of love and charity. Agape is the love of God for man and of man for God. The word should not be confused with philia, brotherly love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance.

As a family-violence specialist, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many women in domestic/family violence situations. This is what brought Susan Murphy Milano, Delilah and I together. And, what have I found common in every situation? The absence of universal, unconditional love for oneself. I have uncovered guilt, shame, and even self-loathing.

I have had countless agencies; hence individuals, tell me a woman must cycle in and out of a shelter at least seven times or until she, her children, and/or extended family experience some drastic situation or behavior from the abuser. This is usually the threat of death to herself, children or family members.

I still stand on this truth. If one: male or female; heterosexual or homosexual; transgender; and of any ethnicity will accept they are made in the image and likeness of Almighty God; and can begin to experience the unconditional love of God for themselves, the violent and abusive cycle will cease. It must.

With this unconditional love and acceptance of self, several things begin to happen almost instantly.

One’s self esteem and self-worth is magnified;
The offender is no longer able to bully the victim because they, the victim, realize they are only a victim to their own limiting beliefs and mindset. The victim’s self-power is instantly increased.
The energy level of the victim shifts, and they then only attract those in their like energy. Opposites do not attract. We attract exactly what we are. Thereby, individuals with low self-esteem will not be drawn to those with higher vibrational levels believing in a higher love. Resonating in love for themselves, first!

(Abusers are attracted to those with low self-esteem so they might appear bigger and more powerful to their victims. AKA: bully boogers.)

When one takes on the consciousness of Christ and realizes there is no greater love, anything that attempts to approach not of the same consciousness, feels uncomfortable. They, or the situation, is rejected right away or soon following.

And, how do we experience this love? Through:

prayer;
meditation. (That is being silent and allowing God’s love to flow into you and through you. Bring both hands to your heart, as a suggestion of embracing, and feel the Source of love);
keeping company with loved-filled individuals; (Learning to say no thank you, without explanation, to anyone who brings otherwise—in your own mind’s eye.);
listening to uplifting and positive music; (Reject music that refers to you as anything less than your Divine self);
abstaining from main-stream media;
reading inspirational, faith and love-filled works to include Scripture and literature to raise your consciousness.
repeating loved-filled affirmations or declarations. A good place to start is “I AM that I AM.” Interpreted as “I AM all that God is.”
Find yourself a good adviser, support group, or assistant.

These are only a few things you can begin to do to raise yourself from the doldrums of victimhood. You may not find yourself walking into freedom or understanding any of the above overnight. But remain diligent; tenacious; and focused, desiring the life that Source; God; Mother Nature; (whatever name making you comfortable) has planned for you from the beginning of time. Their plan is to prosper you and to bring you hope. You will one day, very soon, begin to live your best life, as Ms. Winfrey would put it

What’s love got to do with it! Everything! All the time! And Everywhere! And it’s starting right here! Right now! With you!

Pamela Chapman is a certified life-wellness/life transition coach and family-violence specialist through the State of California. She is the owner of Yucatan Wellness Corporation and the previous owner of Iascend Programs, Inc which was dedicated, specifically, to helping abused women.

Today, Chapman works with others motivating, inspiring and teaching all who are willing to do the easy life work so they may walk into their well-being while transitioning through one of life’s challenges.

Pamela and team incorporate mind, body, and soul betterment using both ancient and cutting-edge healing techniques helping you to create your perfect self. To find out more visit: https://www.yucatanwellness.com.

Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship

2018-01-23T06:12:00.000-05:00

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women are puzzled by their own process in trying to recover from a pathological relationship. What is puzzling is that despite the treatment they received by him, despite the absolute mind-screwing he did to her emotions, not only is the attraction still VERY INTENSE but also the POSITIVE memories still remain strong.

Women say the same thing--that when it comes to remaining strong in not contacting him (what we call 'Starving the Vampire') she struggles to pull up (and maintain the pulled up) negative memories of him and his behavior that could help her keep strong and detached.

But why? Why are the positive memories floating around in her head freely and strongly and yet the bad memories are stuffed in a 'mind closet' full of fuzzy cobwebs that prevent her from actively reacting to those memories?

There are a couple of reasons and we'll discuss today the first one. Let's think of your mind like a computer. Memories are 'stored' much like they are stored on a computer. Pain and traumautic memories are stored differently than positive memories.

Pulling up the negative memories from your hard drive is different than pulling up a memory that is on your desk top as an icon emblem. Traumatic memories get fragmented on their way to being stored on the hard drive. They get divided up into more than one file. In one file is the emotional feelings, another file is the sights, another file the sounds, another file the physical sensations.

But a WHOLE and complete memory is made up of ALL those files TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME such as what you emotionally felt, saw, heard, and physically experienced. Just one piece of it doesn't make it a complete memory such as just the positive memory.

A memory is good + bad =complete.

But when things are traumatic, (or stressful) the mind seperates the whole experience into smaller bits and pieces and then stores them seperately in the mind because it's less painful that way.

When women try to 'remind themselves' why they shouldn't be with him, they might get flashes of the bad memory but strangely, the emotional feelings are NOT attached to it. They wonder 'where did the feelings go?' They can see the bad event but they don't feel much about what they remember.

If you are playing a movie without the sound, how do you know what the actors are passionately feeling? It's the same thing with this traumatic recall of memories. You might see the video but not hear the pain in the voices. The negative or traumatic memory is divided up into several files and you are only accessing one of the files---a place where you have stored the positive aspects of the relationship.

To complicate things further, positive memories are not stored like negative memories. They are not divided up into other files. They don't need to be---they aren't traumatic.

So when you remember a time when the relationship was good or cuddly or the early parts of the relationships which are notoriously honeymoon-ish, the whole memory comes up--the emotional feelings, the
visual, the auditory, the sensations. You have a WHOLE and STRONG memory with that. Of course that is WAY MORE appealing to have--a memory that is not only GOOD but one in which you feel all the powerful
aspects of it as well.

Now, close your eyes and pull up a negative memory...can you feel the difference? You might see it but not feel it. Or hear it and not see much of it. Or feel a physical sensation of it but not the emotional piece that SHOULD go with the physical sensation. No matter what your experience is of the negative emotion, it is probably fragmented in some way.

Negative and traumatic memories are often incomplete memories--they are memory fragments floating all over your computer/mind. They are small files holding tiny bits of info that have fragmented your sense of the whole complete memory. These distorted and broken memory fragments are easily lost in your mind.

If you have grown up in an abusive or alcoholic home, you were already subconsciously trained how to seperate out memories like this. If your abuse was severe enough early on, your mind just automatically does this anyway--if you get scared, or someone raises their voice, or you feel fear in anyway---your brain starts breaking down the painful experience so it's easier for you to cope with.

Next time we will talk about one other way your mind handles positive and negative memories and why you are flooded with positive recall and blocked from remembering and feeling those negative things he's done to you.

The Magical Illusion of Christmas

2015-12-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

By Susan Murphy Milano

(originally posted December, 2010)

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

When Traditional Boundaries are Meaningless

2014-11-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

By Charles Moncrief

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month has ended, maybe we can keep from allowing the public eye to close on this scourge. Here’s my contribution to that effort.

It’s a special treat to me when asked to give the Children’s Sermon because I’m far more likely to use props than when preaching to adults.

Several years ago I visited a hospital nursery with a tape recorder. (Yes, I know, I’m dating myself!) The nurses allowed me to record the crying of several infants, to get samples from different social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. The following Sunday, the children came up and sat with me in front of the congregation. First, I played a few of the samples with a one-second pause between them.

Then I played back three of them, pausing to let the children reflect on what they heard.

Then I asked the children to identify the little girl.

Then I asked the children to identify the Asian boy.

Then I asked the children to identify the baby from the rich family.

The children couldn’t tell which was which.

Finally, I replayed the three tapes and again asked them to tell me the difference between the infants’ crying sounds.

You’d think I scripted their answer: “We don’t know.”

Now please fast-forward with me twenty, thirty, or forty years. Put on a blindfold and listen to the outcry of a person suffering from abuse.

Did the cry come from a White woman?

Did the cry come from a Black woman?

Did the cry come from an Asian woman?

Did the cry come from a bride?

Did the cry come from a woman in poverty?

Did the cry come from a Middle-class woman?

Did the cry come from a wealthy woman?

Did the cry come from the wife of a soldier?

Did the cry come from woman serving in the military?

Did the cry come from a Debutante?

Did the cry come from a man?

Do you know?

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Anglican Priest, Charles Moncrief, serves up the issues of the day on a platter mixed with scripture, seriousness, and a sense of humor to create a ministry founded in love for his fellow man.

“I’m an Anglican Priest, disguised as a geek during the week. It’s REALLY tough to change my costume, since phone booths are getting hard to find!”

Domestic Violence Does Not End with October

2014-10-31T08:58:00.001-04:00

By Jillian Maas Backman

Our conscience is not the vessel of eternal verities. It grows with our social life, and a new social condition means a radical change in conscience. -Walter Lippmann, journalist (1889-1974)

The time has come to say goodbye to the yearly blog posts designated to highlight Domestic Violence Awareness for the month of October. My fellow authors did an exceptional job describing the highs and lows of this formidable social opponent. As heart- wrenching and warming as the posts were, I’m afraid it’s going to take a lot more than underscoring this public epidemic once a year to influence long-term change.

As famous journalist Walter Lippmann stated long ago, not everyone’s conscience is filled with virtuous truths or principles. For some, their scruples resonates with less than impeccable verities and act accordingly towards mankind/womankind.

So how does revisiting this open-ended dialog every year at this time help solve or combat this societal issue? For the very reason Lippmann pointed out way back in the day. This is the only way to keep moving forward and grow in our social life, set new social conditions and patterns to achieve radical transformation.

I realize we would all like to snap our fingers and make this social deviance magically disappear, but that’s not how “radical change in conscience” truly occurs. It’s slow and steady -- like the turtle and the hare. One small step at a time. If we keep pushing the issue to the top of our concern list, this will eventually lead to the conscious shift we so desperately seek.

Domestic Violence Achievements

The victories may seem minuscule in scale to other social problems we have right now, but I assure you, if we don’t keep this conversation going past this month, we are going to have bigger challenges down the road. Relationships are the brick and mortar that keeps our social structure together in one cohesive, conscious group. Every time another case of violence is afflicted upon another, it blows a tiny pinhole into this edifice. Eventually, if we accumulate enough pinholes, the entire consciousness will collapse upon itself. And this, my friends, is the biggest threat we have at the moment.

The part Mr. Lippmann didn’t get to experience in his lifetime are the achievements we’ve made towards a new awareness when it comes to this issue. Yes, our walls may be filled with tiny pinholes from aggression towards another, but we are making significant advancements towards plugging up those nasty holes with a new type of mortar.

Thriving survivors and their supporters are reforming social conditions using words and legislation to fill these pinpricks with a new kind of eternal verities. A vessel containing social plaster, mixed with the right amount of integrity, inspiration and hopeful principles that are leading us down the enlightened change Lippmann envisioned.

Change for Peace

As we close this month out, I want all of us to commit ourselves to staying on task to honor those who have lost their lives bringing forth this change, and stay diligent in assisting those who need help in finding their way through dark times far beyond this month of October 2014. My hope for us all is when we convene again next October our posts will contain less stories about tragedies and more about: Peace dear ones, peace!

The kind of peace one finds in hearts, minds, and best of all, relationships we treasure the most.

Please keep life SACRED!

Jillian Maas Backman is a professional speaker, award winning author and radio host. She is an innovator in the realm of creating personal paradigm shifts integrating established methods to augment communal objectives through leadership training and private consultations.

Website: JillianMaasBackman.Com

10 Reasons Why I Stayed in a Violent Relationship

2014-10-29T08:07:00.000-04:00

By Heidi Hiatt

“So why didn’t you just leave?” The question hit a nerve somewhere near my third thoracic vertebra and sizzled in my right cheek like an antagonized hornet.

That question. I hate that question. I’m tired of that question. But I try to use that question to give people a crash course in the dynamics of domestic violence because they might end up saving the life of a victim. Everybody knows somebody.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, chances are you can’t just leave. You’ve heard me say it many times– the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Your abuser might not want you anymore, and has tried to make you feel like the most vile, undesirable piece of filth on the planet, but let me tell you something– they still want control over you. Some will do anything to keep it. Anything.

There are some fantastic lists online that detail why victims of domestic violence stay, such as the LAPD’s Domestic Violence: Reasons Why Battered Victims Stay With the Batterers. I strongly suggest becoming familiar with this material because, if it hasn’t happened already, you’re going to catch wind of domestic violence close to you sometime and that person will need your help. Their life could depend on it.

All of the possible reasons a man or woman might stay in an abusive relationship won’t be listed here. I do want to expound on ten reasons victims don’t just leave. Please understand that reasons vary from victim to victim; one size doesn’t fit all.

1. The victim doesn’t understand that what they are experiencing is abuse.

Growing up, I never realized that what was happening to my siblings and I was technically abuse. We didn’t know we could call 911, or tell an adult who could have involved the authorities. We thought it had to happen all the time or cause long-term physical injury. We knew that it was wrong, but we didn’t know we could have done something about it other than try to get family members to listen.

Recently I became aware of an incident in which the abuser told his daughter that if she sought help, nothing would happen because, “it’s not abuse unless it leaves a mark.” She is being conditioned to accept several types of abuse as normal and legal. This is what abusers do– they rationalize their behavior and remind you that it’s not as bad as you think it is or what you think it is. They often claim to be disciplining you, but their bursts of screaming rage, whether hands-on or hands-off, are ultimately meant to satisfy their own need for power and control.

Many of you are familiar with the Power and Control Wheel. Think of the wheel as a pie. Many people define domestic violence/abuse as physical violence. Abusers like you to believe that, because then they can raid your bank account, tear you down emotionally, sleep around, and threaten to slit your throat while you think there’s nothing you can do about it. Physical violence is just one piece of the pie. Get familiar with the other pieces so that you understand what’s going on. Domestic violence often starts in one part of the pie and moves to another, or gradually becomes the whole pie.

2. The victim doesn’t understand the cycle of violence.

There are often three phases of domestic violence. Tension builds, the abuser explodes, and then the honeymoon phase sets in. Because of the honeymoon phase, a period in which the abuser may seem calm, apologetic, or remorseful, victims can be lulled into believing that life has gotten better and their abuser’s changed. But they must understand that the cycle will continue if not stopped, and that fragile appearance of peace is just the calm before the next storm.

Remember in the Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do with It when Ike Turner brought her presents after strangling and sexually assaulting her? That’s one manifestation of the honeymoon phase. It’s the time during which your abuser convinces you to stay because they don’t do it all the time, or the makeup sex was intense, or they went to counseling. Maybe they bought you a nice present, brought you flowers, or worked some overtime to pay some bills. You start to think that it’s not so bad and because it doesn’t happen all the time you’ll get through it.

Get off the fatal merry-go-round. Connect with a domestic violence advocate in secret, make a safety plan, and document what’s happening. If your abuser was serious about change he wouldn’t keep hurting you. Don’t let others convince you how dangerous he is or isn’t or whether or not he’ll escalate– you already know, deep down, that this is serious and it always repeats.

3. The abuser has brainwashed the victim into helplessness.

You’re not hot anymore. You don’t dress sexy anymore. You’re not the svelte single digit size you were when you married him 15 years and three kids ago. You’re book smart, but you have no common sense. You could never survive on your own. You’ll have to leave the kids and pets behind if you go. No one will help you. No one will hire you. No one else would want an ugly, stupid ____ like you.

Millions, even billions, of victims hear these vicious jabs on a regular basis. This is everyday life in households across America and the world. After days and weeks and years of hearing how horrible you are, you start to believe the lies. The stress of constantly being told how inadequate you are doesn’t motivate you to eat heathier, go back to school, or work out, it makes it all worse.

Mental manipulation is like the sonic screwdriver in the abuser’s toolbox. They can bust it out anytime, anywhere, and use it to harm you, charm you, disarm you, or alarm you. Hear this: God made you a unique individual with a special purpose. You are beautiful to Him. Start listening to who He says you are and stop believing the lies that are pounded into your head mercilessly. You are worth so much more than this. You are not who your abuser says you are. Get help now.

4. The victim has conflicting emotions.

You married them because you loved them, right? You still love them. It’s not the same as it was in the beginning, but you promised your life to this person. Because you love them, you want to make it work. They’re a selfish narcissist who terrorizes you and the kids half the time, but you know that good guy from your early days of dating is still in there somewhere.

You might have this argument with yourself many times while deciding what to do about an abusive situation. The thought of breaking that bond can be overwhelming when you love the person. As Sandra L. Brown often points out at her Institute for Relational Harm Reduction website, the feelings you have for a pathological personality (narcissist, sociopath, etc.) can be especially intense.

Ask yourself this: is it worth your life? Is there some unwritten rule that says if you love someone you’ll hang in there no matter what horrors they inflict on you, your kids, and your pets? God loves you more than anyone, and God doesn’t approve of you being terrorized, threatened, or beaten.

You might always have feelings, in some form, for that person. Or, like many of us who’ve gotten away from unhealthy relationships, you come to see the relationship realistically over time and realize that’s not what true love looks like. True love– a love that builds you up rather than draining you– could still be out there.

5. The victim has been convinced that their culture and/or religion does not allow them to move on.

I wrestled with just such a theological argument for years. Some influences in my life had taught me that if you are divorced– no matter the reason– God will never, ever allow you to be married again. Even though I knew I had to get out, it seemed that I might have to live the rest of my life as a barren widow, practicing some sort of eternal faithfulness to someone who was already doing whatever they wanted.

“God hates divorce.” Yes He does. It’s in the Manufacturer’s Handbook. But God also hates evil and calls us to separate ourselves from it. Domestic violence isn’t a trivial trial incidental to marriage. It’s a sin. It’s wrong. It’s sick and selfish and sadistic. It allows the abuser to act as god rather than honoring the real God by honoring our spouse.

Unfortunately, the first place domestic violence victims go for help is often the last place they can find it– the church. This damning judgmental legalism you heard about in my Blaming the Victims post is pervasive in God’s house. Far too often, when victims speak to someone in the church about what’s happening to them, the first thing that happens is they’re counseled as to how THEY could make it better!

Pastors and priests need to understand that the first thing they should be concerned about when domestic violence comes up is the safety of the victims. The victim should not be guilted or burdened more than they already are. They shouldn’t be told to act more perky, make nicer dinners, or submit to their abuser more. They don’t need to be sat down with their abuser as if both of them need to humble themselves and make concessions. That’s aiding and abetting the abuse. What they do need is practical help from an advocate or agency who will consider their safety first and worry about the relationship later. Hook them up.

Domestic violence is wrong. Many aspects of it can result in criminal charges. I call on the church to stand united against it rather than taking the easy or uneducated out of making victims think they have to keep enduring it. That’s not Christian. That’s crazy.

6. The victim does not have enough resources to leave.

This is a common problem. A victim may be financially dependent upon their abuser. Perhaps the victim doesn’t work, or makes less money, or is primarily responsible for the children. The thought of walking away with little or nothing keeps many trapped. They don’t know how they’ll survive. How do you eat? Where do you sleep? They might have heard that 40 percent of homeless women are homeless because of domestic violence (this is true in my area).

This last year, a group of coworkers got together to furnish an apartment and buy necessities for a woman and her children in this situation. They’d left the abuser with the clothes on their back and their toothbrushes. That’s it. Thankfully we live in a region where a lot of nonprofits, churches, and agencies will connect victims with resources to get them back on their feet. Many aren’t as blessed. But don’t assume there’s no way out– talk to an advocate or agency to find out what help might be available. And again, remember that it’s not worth your life.

7. The victim feels ashamed of or embarrassed by the abuse.

Admitting that you’re a victim can be much more difficult than it sounds. A victim might think that speaking out or leaving screams failure. Disconnecting from a dangerous, toxic relationship is not a failure, but a victory. When you become free from the soul-sucking, potentially fatal chains that have held you down, you discover that there’s a whole world out there you were missing. Life blossoms with possibilities and you achieve things you never could have dreamed while someone else was drowning you.

You might process all sorts of confusing emotions while making it to safety, and your life might be peppered with negative people who treat you like you didn’t do enough. You know what? They need to work on their own issues, one of which is dissecting other people’s lives while ignoring the issues in their own. Hypocrites are hypercritical. Focus on the successes you have and that will come, not the coulda shoulda wouldas.

8. Fear.

Plain and simple, fear is legitimate and justifiable in the context of abuse. We might be afraid of being murdered if we leave, which is why documentation and safety planning are so important. We might be afraid of what people will think. We could be afraid of the unknown. We could be afraid because we have no idea what to do next. The thought of being alone can be terrifying as well.

Ace pilot Eddie Rickenbacker aptly stated, “Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.” As bestselling author Gavin de Becker says, fear is a gift, an instinct that can alert us to danger. So pay attention to that fear even when it doesn’t make sense. But also know that you can harness that fear to achieve positive change. Once you have overcome the fear that is holding you back by strategically leaving abuse behind you, who knows what you’ll achieve? You might, like me, find that where there was once fear there is now a passionate righteous anger that motivates you to help others.

9. The victim might be unsure that the police will believe or help them.

I understand this well. That was a major hesitation and gamble for me. I had to report a cop to the cops. I was blessed with a police department and prosecution team who thoroughly understood what was going on. But years later, I’m still treated as a lying, vindictive attention seeker by some in the law enforcement community because I chose to stay alive. I remind myself that they don’t know, they’re quick to protect their own, and they have no idea how much sacrifice has been involved.

But this gut-wrenching dilemma is faced by victims of all walks of life in myriad locations. Will the cops believe me? I don’t have bruises right now. I didn’t start documenting this until the past year. No one else but me knows what he’s really like at home. He’ll just put on his Mr. Smooth persona if I call the police and convince them that I’m mental-emotional.

This is why domestic violence and sexual assault training is so important for first responders. They need to recognize red flags and take every allegation seriously. They need to document these incidents. Their agencies should require this of them so the treatment of domestic violence is not left up to their personal discretion. Despite the widely trumpeted myth that many women fabricate domestic violence allegations and sexual assault, studies show that the vast majority do not. Start by believing.

Victims, if what is being done to you is minimized or dismissed, keep trying. Contact a domestic violence hotline, a prosecutor, a local advocacy agency (like LifeWire in the Seattle area), someone who you can confide in. Have details ready and don’t downplay what the abuser’s doing. Don’t give up.

10. The victim doesn’t know where to start.

Let’s solve that right now. Before you visit these websites, know how to swiftly delete your browsing history so that your abuser doesn’t know you were there. It’s advisable to use a computer the abuser can’t access outside of the home to view such information, like a library computer. Consider what information might be retained on your cell phone as well.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Times Up! A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships

Document the Abuse – learn more about a valuable legal tool for victims called the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit here

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Mental Health & Family Hope Ministries

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Start by Believing

National Network to End Domestic Violence

No More

Love is Respect (National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474)

Domestic Shelters – find a safe place near you

Stalking Resource Center

OutrageUs (stalking help)

If you’re in Washington State, here are additional resources, including for those in the greater Seattle area:

Crisis Clinic, 1-866-427-4747

Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Christian Coalition For Safe Families

King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-562-6025

LifeWire, 24-hour help line 1-800-827-8840

New Beginnings, 24-hour help line 206-522-9472

The Hope Line, 206-432-8424 (help with a wide range of issues including domestic violence, human trafficking, housing, gangs, etc. as well as confidential prayer support)

In conclusion, next time you’re tempted to ask someone, “why don’t you leave?” or “why didn’t you leave?”, consider how that sounds. It sounds like you’re blaming them, which will only complicate things. Instead, as blogger Amy Thompson proposes in Language Matters When Engaging Survivors of Domestic Violence in Discussion, ask how they found the courage to leave. If they haven’t left yet, ask how you can help them. Even if you simply provide them with a hotline number, that could be their first step towards becoming a survivor rather than a victim.

You could literally save a life.

Read more on this topic, including tweets from survivors: #WhyIStayed

Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. –Robert Collier

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist. You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Intimate Partner Violence Revisited in Chicago

2014-10-27T09:13:00.000-04:00

By Donna Gore

It was August 1993, Susan Murphy–Milano had already lived at least five of her seeming nine lives by that time. She had experienced a childhood like no one should ever have to bear, serving as the “in resident protective services” for her beloved mother who had experienced years of abuse and violence from her detective husband.

“Sometimes Roberta called the police, but she usually didn't even get to see the responding officers. Phil Murphy would flash his badge, joke with the guys, close the door, and return to battering the object of his disaffection…. "He called her sometimes 20 times a day at the office where she worked," notes Milano. "He constantly accused her of infidelities. He claimed she was a lesbian; he claimed she was having affairs with other officers….He always told her, "If you leave, I'll find you; if I find you, I'll kill you."

Susan was reeling from a personal relationship that caused more pain and heartache. She was doing her best to raise a preschooler with the help of a dedicated babysitter. In 1993, she had been taking on the role of Advocate in Chicago’s Domestic Violence Court without question for three years. Even if she was denied, she had the Domestic Violence Act on her side: (Enacted in New Jersey first in 1991).

Back in the day, Susan’s initial most celebrated case played out in the hallowed halls located at 1340 South Michigan was that of Dawn Wilson whose ex-husband, Christopher stalked and beat her and was played out on national TV, newspapers and magazines. “Even before their marriage, he'd push her around. “After we got married, the real violence started," Dawn says. Violence that started right after the wedding and never really let up. Christopher was arrested nine times following the divorce, to no apparent effect. " He asked me once, `Why do you waste your time taking me to court?' He knew he would get away with it."

During the classic feature article, “Life Saver” for the Chicago Reader in which Susan was the topic, a typical offender, “Gilchrist” was described as such, “He is not so much physically abusive as verbally abusive and prone to "detaining" her--deciding that he doesn't want her to go to work and taking her keys, or removing the battery from her car, or changing the locks on the garage. But this has escalated to death threats against her and her coworkers; he's even put a knife to her throat. "Each little bout is a little bit worse." said Susan.

There is a stir at the bench; it seems there's a problem. There are three charges outstanding against Gilchrist--violating an order of protection, assault, and criminal damage to property, but only two of them are in his folder. They'll have to find the other one before they can proceed. "Pass," says Judge Gembala, and Gilchrist is taken out. Murphy Milano is fuming: that means the case has to be reviewed. They can't do anything until Gilchrist talks with the public defender and Jones talks with the state's attorney. This is the eighth time Gilchrist has violated an order of protection, and Judge Gembala had promised that the next time Gilchrist came before him he'd be put away, period.”

Susan did what she did in the backdrop of her own tragedy within the judicial confines of a system that was “all procedure and no heart.” In her words, she learned as she went along what worked and what didn't work: "Mostly, I went by my gut." Although she denied any obsession with the subject, she admitted, "I was relentless. I did what I felt was right, and I worked to show the media I wasn't just the flavor of the month.”

Former colleagues in the 90s spoke of Susan’s zealousness, her sincerity, her “Let’s take care of business NOW style, and her high productivity, and her personal need to stay uninvolved personally with her victims in order to be effective. You know you’ve created something meaningful when you need body guards. “The International Service Associates is a security agency, licensed and active in 16 states that until very recently served only as a contractor for the federal government. The sole exception to the rule: a few months ago ISA started providing bodyguards--free of charge--for Milano and the women she works with.”

Intimate Partner Violence had become a way of life in all sectors of society, much to the chagrin of Susan. Although she helped one person at a time, she was “the lone ranger” for so many years, as she skillfully navigated the system in her unique manner. Although her accomplishments were many, it was not until the inception of the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit that a prevention tool was able to cut across boundaries and have equal access to anyone affected by IPV.

But, as I thought of creating this piece, I wondered, what was her “stage” like then as opposed to today? What was the history of the building at 1340 South Michigan, Domestic Violence Court?

According to a Chicago preservation website:

It was previously known as the “Interior Furniture Company” built in 1922 in Classical Revival style. The area of Michigan Avenue south of Roosevelt Road was originally residential and then gradually became a mercantile area, used by furniture companies, wholesale clothing companies, horse carriage companies, and later automobile companies. The mercantile history of the area, with loft structures that doubled as showrooms, created a high quality design of building facades that tell a story Chicago business and architecture meeting to create a unique building type. In later years, the building served as the site of the Domestic Violence Courthouse.

In 2005, there was a lot of controversy about whether this building, among others in a “not so nice area of town” was worth saving. Well, what a difference a couple of years and history makes…. For now we have – “Aviation Lofts” Luxury Living! See video too! How nice it would have been to “shelter victims of intimate partner violence” here!

What was the “flow of traffic” like when Susan was perusing the courtrooms? ''It was pretty much a mob scene going into the elevators. Often you would have victims and abusers going up the same elevators,'' said JoAnn F. Villasenor, the supervising attorney of LAF's Family Law Project,

There was a similar problem at 28 N. Clark St., where victims and offenders share a single waiting room. The new building streamlines services for the victims, but it may also improve things for practitioners and the judiciary.

Prior to the opening of the new “state of the art” building in 2005, …Only one judge heard civil orders of protection, When the new court opens, there will be two judges hearing those cases. There were more than 5,300 so-called ''independent'' civil orders of protection filed in 2004.

Civil orders of protection were being heard at 28 N. Clark St. Criminal orders of protection are heard at 1340 S. Michigan Ave, said Laura Bertucci, supervisor of the Domestic Violence Division for the Cook County State's Attorney's office . As is done at Central Bond Court at the Criminal Courts building, the felony preliminaries are held via closed-circuit television.

“Completely Victim Friendly” for $64+ Million

Among its many advantages, the new Domestic Violence court ''is going to be completely victim-friendly'' was the rave!

The new building features separate entrances for alleged victims and alleged offenders, Bertucci said. There are also separate elevators and waiting rooms.

Additionally, there are spaces for an array of victims' advocates on the new court's first floor, Bertucci said. The scattered branches put a heavy burden on the victims.

''People who went to 13th and Michigan prior to the new building, , if there wasn’t enough evidence to sustain a criminal charge, then advocates told them to go to 28 N. Clark for a civil order. That made for a very long day for people who've very recently been victims of violence''.

The Maze of it all. Without GPS- “Organizational Structure” (See Map) And I’ll bet Susan knew it like the back of her hand!

The pièce de résistance- 555 West Harrison Street Children’s Advocacy Room

Although there has been child advocacy in the Chicago judicial system in various forms over the years, children are very vulnerable victims of domestic violence and need a safe harbor. The new courthouse has such a place. It provides a number of valuable services:

Postscript:

I’m thinking of a little girl from Chicago who wrote a poem expressing the violence that was happening in her home as a means of reaching out. The teacher and the principal did not believe her…and she was punished! That little girl, and author of “Holding My Hand Through Hell” was Susan Murphy Milano!

Donna Gore created a service program for crime victims and offers her assistance in creating a cohesive victim impact statement tailored to the individuals and their cases. She recognizes that this could be of great value to not only the crime victim, but to the court system as well.

By using Gore’s services a crime victim can be coached on how to best present their victim impact statement. From her vast experience volunteering in the courtroom, she is able to act as a liaison with advocates who may not have the same experiences. Working with the court advocates, attorneys, and prosecutors, not only will the crime victims’ voices be heard, they will be presented professionally, courteously, and effectively.

Donna R. Gore is a consultant and trainer with the Office of Victim Services within the US Department of Justice. She is the host of the internet radio show, Shattered Lives which broadcasts every Saturday at 5pm Eastern time on the Inside Lenz Network.

They Don't Deserve to Die

2014-10-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

By Diane Fanning

The ultimate act of domestic violence is homicide. The lead-up to that fatal act comes in a lot of forms. In many cases, it is physical violence with some women being battered to the point of hospitalization on a regular basis. With others it is more subtle—the destruction is emotional, shaped by intimidation, control, and the shredding of self-confidence.

No matter how it manifests, it is clear that the most dangerous time for any of these women is when they decide to leave and for up to two years after they take action. That is the time that many women die. I’ve seen this truth fulfilled in book I’ve written about the deaths of Susan McFarland in Texas, Kathleen Peterson in North Carolina and now in my most recent book, UNDER COVER OF THE NIGHT, the death of Jocelyn Earnest in Forest, Virginia.

All of these women had many things in common. Susan, Kathleen and Jocelyn were all well-loved by family and friends. They all had high-powered jobs with good salaries. Not one of them had any of the serious risk factors that often presage a violent death. All three seemed unlikely victims and yet, all three died in their homes at the hands of their husbands.

Their relationships were marked by controlling behavior. Their spouse always got his way. For example, when Jocelyn wanted a cozy little cabin getaway on the lake, her husband insisted on designing and erecting a $1.2 million showcase. She went along to keep him happy.

In every case, these spouses had a secret life. Two had a locked room or forbidden space. Two had sexual alliances outside of the home—one of fleeing nature with multiple partners, the other a relationship of more serious import. One had been a high octane stock broker, one a bestselling author and the third, Jocelyn’s husband Wesley was the Assistant Principal at a high school, entrusted with other people’s children every day.

All three husbands felt free to make belittling comments of their wives in front of others and to criticize their decisions and thoughts. Susan made divorce plans behind her spouse’s back. He hacked into her accounts and discovered her secret. He beat her to death and hid her body. Kathleen discovered her husband’s infidelity and made a decision to leave. He killed her that night in the stairway of her home. He claimed it was an accident.

Jocelyn finally stood up for herself, breaking the bonds that kept her under his control, separating from her spouse and rebuilding her life. Then, she saw him in his Lake House getaway, in bed with another woman. She filed for divorce. Wesley killed her and tried to stage it as a suicide, complete with a note that attempted to make her look like the cheating spouse and him the wronged party.

Wesley believed he would get away with it. He thought that his inheritance from Jocelyn’s death would enable him to keep his beloved lake house. Things did not go as he planned. He was charged with her murder and, without her pay check, he couldn't meet the mortgage and the bank was about to foreclose. The beautiful house on the shore went up in flames.

All three men were convicted of the murder of their wives and sent to prison. (Although one is now out awaiting a new trial on a technicality.) As gratifying as that might be, it does not bring back Susan, Kathleen or Jocelyn—it does not breathe life into three incredible women whose lives were cut short.

Sadly, when I look at their lives and the choices they made after they decided to leave, I see that each of them could have benefited from following the plans in Susan Murphy Milano’s book, TIME’S UP! Had they done so, they may have still been alive today. If you know anyone in a perilous, controlling or abusive relationship, put that book in her hands. Urge her to read and follow the advice and instructions.

We need to help each other. It’s the only way we can avoid unnecessary sorrow and grief. Understand the barriers for leaving an abusive relationship and don’t abandon your friend, co-worker or family member just because she is reluctant to act. She needs your support now more than ever—no matter how long it takes.

Thinking of Susan Murphy Milano: "There are some who bring a light so bright to the world that even after they have gone, the light remains."

Diane Fanning speaks at recent event

Diane Fanning is the author of over 20 published books, both true crime and crime fiction. Her 2014 book releases are UNDER COVER OF THE NIGHT and the historical WWII novel, SCANDAL IN THE SECRET CITY. All her books are available at online book retailers as well as local book stores.

For a complete list of Diane's books, visit her website: DianeFanning.Com

Pastors, Stay Off of God’s Turf!

2014-10-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

By Charles Moncrief

A recent announcement by the National Football League has raised nearly everyone’s awareness of domestic violence. Many other organizations are examining their own policies and are publicizing their own refusal to tolerate this savage, barbaric brutality. My hope and prayer is that all organizations will review and take action about the way they respond during this brief moment before the public eye again closes.

After listening to too many clergy, it’s obvious something needs to be done within the Church as well. Since most of my colleagues believe they know a lot more about this subject than I do, it’s obvious that they’re not interested in anything I have to say.

A dysfunctional couple became even more so after a priest counseled them with “Go to mass more often.”

A guest host on Susan Murphy Milano’s Blog Talk Radio show took a call from one battered woman who said her pastor told her that she should be more available to perform her wifely duties for her husband.

Clergy such as these are out of my league. Women on the receiving end of counsel like this will one day observe, figuratively, the bodies of such men floating down the river beside which they weep.

Lest this be seen as an unfair and vicious broad-brush assault on clergy, let me be clear on two points. First, very few of my colleagues are like this; most of them are godly and effective in pastoral caregiving. Second, very few of them are giving such advice out of malice and wickedness. It’s often ignorance that results from generations of untested mentoring. And quite honestly, I’ve benefited from some of them who on occasion rebuked my challenges. And I do agree that in principle, being part of a faith community is important for mutual support and accountability.

Many of the priests and pastors who are out of my league are the ones who “run the shop” (my irreverent term, along with “pulpiteers”, for senior congregational clergy). After years in their positions, they are generally receptive to what they hear from other senior-level store minders rather than to my suggestions. My prayer is that someone they respect, at clergy conferences or while eating thin sandwiches at tea parties, will get their attention.

For my part, I’ve chosen to focus on those candidates preparing for the ordained ministry. Or whenever possible, I’m taking aim at young men and women even before they start down that path!

First of all, I subscribe to the wisdom of B. Sidney Sanders, retired Bishop of East Carolina and former chaplain at a seminary I once attended. Sid’s words to those aspiring to the ordained ministry were some variation of these: “If you can find fulfillment in any occupation other than the ordained ministry, then for God’s sake and your own, please pursue that other occupation.” I agree wholeheartedly! I’m 100% suspicious of anyone who says “I want to be a minister.” But I’m 100% supportive of those who have stopped fighting God and running from His call on their lives.

When I’ve preached for candidates in their ordination services, my sermons fit the 3-point model: to honor God, to pray and read their Bible, and to behave themselves. My style is to put the core of my message into two broad topics. To illustrate, I’ll share the draft of an actual core. We pick up right after I’ve told them that this is their final opportunity to bow out, which they can do without shame and without dishonor.

TAKE THOU AUTHORITY

In a few minutes the Bishop will lay his hands on your head and claim that God has made you a Priest in His Church. The Bishop will then make a series of statements that begin with the words “Take Thou Authority”. Listen to those words. And pay attention to the reality that accompanies those words. I’ll speak this to you now. “Take Thou ACCOUNTABILITY.” In this service it’s tempting for you to regard all these words as a mere formality. In fact, sadly I’ve heard just such counsel given to candidates when taking their vows. But know this. The colleagues who attend these proceedings, and who will do their utmost to support you in your ministry, these same colleagues will be called upon to move against you should you prove false to your vows. And if they don’t, I’ll move against them!

People look to a minister as a person of authority. And rightly so. Whether they believe as you do or not, others acknowledge your belief in and accountability to a higher power. And most importantly, they believe it to be of your own free will. Even the enemies of God and your commitment to Him, far more often than not, allow you to pass unchallenged through doorways closed to most. Often, doors are opened for you by total strangers.

A woman sitting next to you on an airline flight will open the door of her heart and mind with some bitter relationship experience that has destroyed her world. TAKE THOU AUTHORITY to guard her trust that you will protect her sacred space. TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY.

An interstate truck driver twice your size will collapse sobbing into your arms because he killed four people in a car that ran a red light in front of him. TAKE THOU AUTHORITY to guard this man’s human side. TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY.

On a rare occasion both the husband and the wife will sit in your presence after one of them has literally or figuratively beaten the daylights out of the other. TAKE THOU AUTHORITY to be a bold and non-judgmental presence to both of them. TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY.

You’ve prepared and polished a whiz-bang sermon to impart your wisdom to the people in your congregation. But you stand in the pulpit facing a congregation in shock because of an event like 9-11 on the previous Tuesday*. TAKE THOU AUTHORITY to tear up your manuscript and speak to the hearts and minds of these people. TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY.

Nothing you say, in a counseling session or in the pulpit, will ever be completely accepted. TAKE THOU AUTHORITY and TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY to field the justly deserved rebukes as well as the cheap shots that come against you for anything whatsoever that you say. Respond to all of them with love.

Above all, as you reflect on any authority you have in your ministry, never forget that this authority was conferred. Not earned. Not awarded. It was placed in your hands by God’s grace, through the agency of His faith community, for a purpose greater than you yourself will ever be.

STAY OFF OF GOD’S TURF

My favorite choice of texts for this warning comes from the first half of Matthew 6:12, "And forgive us our trespasses." These words are the most effective translation our poor English language can make of the original Aramaic words of Jesus, “Washboqlan khaubayn.” Allow me to use these words in terms of stepping over some boundary and getting caught on God’s turf.

One of the greatest mistakes you can make as a minister is to get so far onto God’s turf that no amount of scrambling will get you back off of it. Trust me! God’s grace is the only way for you to get off.

No one is warning you against becoming some sort of arrogant little tin god. You’re probably still chafing over the countless times your seminary professors and fellow students have rebuked your temerity, so you’re a few years away from THIS danger!

In getting onto God’s turf, I’m speaking of these things:

Taking onto yourself the tasks that you can’t do alone
Believing that your seminary studies, your clinical pastoral education (CPE), and your internship are adequate to carry you through your entire career
Believing that you can subsist on professional relationships only within your own denomination or jurisdiction
Believing that “Read your Bible more” and “Do your Daily Office” and “Go to mass more” are cure-alls for the needs of those who look desperately to you for a word from God
Believing that yesterday’s answers, even the ones you gave so effectively, are adequate for today
Believing that as a senior pastor you have all the resources within you to help people with their major issues

I want to address the last two more than any other, focusing on domestic violence.

A few weeks ago I cringed when a preacher said “If you’re suffering from domestic violence, come see me or Pastor Bob.” The implication was that since they’re the senior pastors, they can take care of all that ails you.

There was no reference in that sermon to the idea that these clergy have been to continuing education, especially in the field of domestic violence. The reality is that when you’re running the shop, the demands of the job and of your family life actually prevent you from staying up-to-date on any pastoral discipline. And domestic violence is one of the big ones.

You must participate in a community of clergy and secular specialists who have greater skill and specialty than you do. And you must be willing to defer to someone, even in another denomination or jurisdiction, even non-Christians, who can often address subjects that you yourself cannot.

You can’t just go into your closet and pray that God will give you what you need when you’re presented with a pastoral challenge. You need a lot more of the resources available than your own dependence on the spiritual insights you receive this way.

You absolutely must realize that you don’t have all the answers. And you absolutely must realize that the strength God makes available to you exists in others:

Clergy outside of your background
Police
Medical and mental health professionals
Veterans of domestic violence
Blog sites such as this one (including all of the links in the articles)

You will, first and last, be unequal to the mantle you wear whenever you try to take too much on yourself.

CONCLUSION

Step forward in faith and trust. I guarantee you’ll not come through the experience unscathed. But

THOU AUTHORITY

TAKE THOU ACCOUNTABILITY

and

STAY OFF OF GOD’S TURF

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

*Allow me to share a personal experience. I’ve made it a footnote because it’s off-topic.

The Sunday after the 9-11 attack I was scheduled to fill in for a friend on vacation. The scheduled reading included a passage from Exodus 32:9-10, in which God tells Moses

Your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have acted perversely; they have been quick to turn aside from the way that I commanded them; they have cast for themselves an image of a calf, and have worshiped and sacrificed to it, and said, “These are your gods!" I have seen this people, how stiff-necked they are. Now let my wrath burn hot against them and I may consume them.

Many of my colleagues removed this from the schedule. My efforts to do the same were unsuccessful, so it fell upon me to preach to the congregation after one of their members boldly read this text.

The congregation, upon hearing the passage, had no trouble reading the obvious parallel:

Americans, you were brought up from religious persecution in the early 1600s. You have acted perversely; you have been quick to turn aside from the way that I commanded; you have cast for themselves your own idols of pornography and drugs and sports figures and despicable forms of entertainment, and have worshiped and sacrificed to them, and said, “These are your gods!" I have seen how stiff-necked you are. Now let my wrath burn hot against you as I throw airplanes into your tall temples!

I’m not going to go into details, but my pastoral requirement was not to shrink from the words presented to them: to obey my ordination command: TAKE THOU AUTHORITY. The saving grace came from reading the entire passage.

I’ll Always Miss Her

2014-10-09T07:33:00.000-04:00

by Anne Peterson

If only I had known that conversation would have been our last. I would have stayed on the phone forever.

With grief there are stages a person goes through. And eventually they get to a point where they are coping as they desperately try to find how to move on.

But when a person is murdered, it’s a different set of rules. You don’t just get over it.

Grief is hard enough when a loved one dies. You have to accept the fact you will never see them again, never hear their voice. It’s unbearable at times.

But add to that a bunch of questions that never get answered and you have just complicated the whole process.

My name is Anne Peterson and my sister Peggy Dianovsky, went missing on September 12, 1982. We never believed she walked out as her husband claimed.

We knew she was going for custody of her children.

We knew she was advised not to leave the state, by her attorney.

We knew she loved being a mother than anything else in the world.

Still, we were told she walked out. And sadder still, that’s what her boys were told.

Peggy Dianovsky

Our day in court

In 2004, we went to court as her missing person case had been changed to a possible homicide. We sat there listening to testimony after testimony.

Foolishly, I thought with more information I would feel better. I was wrong.

At one point, they wheeled in a monitor and played a video of Peggy’s house in Schaumburg. As the camera scanned her front entryway and her door swung open my stomach tied in knots.

Leaning over I said to my brother, “I can’t do this.” But I did. In fact, when it was my turn to testify, I did that too.

I remember how quiet the courtroom became on the day of sentencing. I was certain others around me could hear my heart beating out of my chest. And then Judge Porter spoke. “I find the defendant…

Over in a moment

Really? Was it going to be over in a matter of moments. All our waiting, all our crying?

We knew going in there no matter what the outcome, we’d never have what we really wanted. Peggy.

And now in a matter of moments it would be over. Well, not really. You see, you never get over it. You just try you best to keep going.

“I find the defendant, “Not guilty.”

We sat there unable to move while the other side of the courtroom erupted in cheers, high fives and pats on the back for my brother-in-law.

We were quickly escorted out of the courtroom.

Impact statements

One thing the court system allows are impact statements. It’s when a family member is allowed to share with the court how the death has impacted the family. A statement describing the hell you’ve endured without your loved one, trying to understand what’s impossible to understand. There, in court, in front of all those listening ears.

But here’s the kicker. When there’s no conviction, you don’t get to make that statement.

It’s as if it didn’t happen. That added insult to injury. For no matter what the verdict was, the crime was still committed. A life was erased from a family forever.

BROKEN

If you are dealing with this situation my heart goes out to you. I felt compelled to share my sister’s story as well as my own in my book, BROKEN: A Story of Abuse and Survival.

It’s a book for those who have been abused. It’s for those who are being abused right now. But it’s also a book for those who have no clue about abuse. We need to educate those who look at abuse and ask questions like, “Why didn’t she just leave?”And while it’s a common question, it’s important to know that’s exactly when some are killed. Peggy was trying to leave.

Our lives were forever changed with Peggy’s death.

Domestic violence is real. It’s painful. And we need to do something about it.

One day, it could be your family member. I hope it never is. With all my heart, I hope it never is.

I’d like to share that writing my book really helped me in many ways. I have heard it is a good resource, and that is rewarding. But because I have written it, I have freed up other things inside me. I am now writing children’s books! I believe they were hiding under the pain.

There is hope on the other side. Just take one step at a time. You are not alone.

Anne Peterson has been a contributor to Time’s Up. She is a poet, speaker and published author of Real Love: Guaranteed to Last, Broken: A Story of Abuse and Survival, and most recently, her first children’s book, Emma’s Wish. Anne’s poetry is sold throughout the U.S. and in 23 countries. For more information about Anne visit http://www.annepeterson.com, or https://www.facebook.com/annepetersonwrites.

Gone Girl: Fiction or Dangerous Reality?

2014-10-05T08:47:00.000-04:00

By Amy Robinson

The movie, “Gone Girl” with Ben Affleck came out this week. I recently saw the trailer for this film and I was horrified. It felt like living through the week that my family and I spent searching for my sister all over again. The difference is – this piece of fiction, based on a book of the same name, actually lends credence and credibility to the idea that the missing person is not worth looking for, and that her significant other is just an innocent victim of some spontaneous, ridiculously complicated and complex plot to falsely implicate him.

In reality, it doesn’t really happen that way. To quote a District Attorney, “It’s not the lunatic down the street that’s going to kill you. It’s the person you fall asleep next to every night.” If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s most likely a duck – not some strange, elaborate conspiracy to frame the penguin and call him a duck.

When I was younger if I had seen an article like this, I would have rolled my eyes. I would have said, “Oh please. It’s fictional! Get over it, Lady!” Well, to some degree, I can understand that. I enjoy fantastical, elaborate storytelling more than most. My mind was blown just as much as yours at the end of “The Sixth Sense,” and I still understand that fiction is a great source of entertainment and often thought-provoking discussion. It’s that last point that gives me pause, though.

Now that I’ve lived through having to search for my sister- knowing in my bones what had already transpired, but unable to get rid of that vague sense of hope that she was still alive somewhere – I have become the loudmouth that would have once caused me to scoff.

As human beings, we look to our stories, our fiction, to form our Ethos. When our children are growing up, we read the “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” to emphasize the virtue of honesty, “The Little Engine That Could” to champion perseverance and tenacity, and “Green Eggs and Ham” to encourage them to try new things and be adventurous. We don’t change all that much as adults. We still derive our thought processes and point our ethical compasses towards the lessons that we get from our stories. The Bible, whatever else it is, at its core, is literature; it’s a story, or more precisely a bunch of stories. While we know that Darth Vader didn’t really tromp around force choking people in a galaxy far, far away, we still admire the values of courage, compassion, and fighting against the forces of tyranny and fear that are espoused by those films.

Timing the Release of Gone Girl

“Gone Girl” purports the idea that victims of intimate partner violence are likely inventing some elaborate drama in order to implicate their significant others in a crime that was never committed. This is not just far-fetched and unlikely in reality – it’s dangerous, particularly to release it during Domestic Violence Awareness Month into a culture that is ripe to finally be paying proper attention to the issue of intimate partner violence. It lends credibility to assailants that do not deserve credibility.

This narrative suggests that every murderer who has ever been implicated by his/her intimate partner’s notes or journal entries could be just an innocent victim of an elaborate scheme to discredit and incarcerate him/her. (Notice I give attention to both genders here. Jodi Arias is a perfect example of a female perpetrator who falsely claimed after the murder of her boyfriend, Travis, that she was the victim all along and he was beating her, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

I can see the headlines: “ACCUSED MURDERER ACQUITTED, DEFENSE USES MOVIE PLOT TO SWAY JURY.” Picture a loved one sitting on a witness stand, reading from a victim’s journal that reads “I’m afraid he is going to kill me,” being grilled by a defense attorney. “Are you familiar with the story of ‘Gone Girl’? Are you telling this court that it is impossible that your loved one invented all of this and planted a false journal?” Anyone sitting on the jury who saw the movie or read the book instantly has reasonable doubt, even though the story is a complete fabrication, invented in the mind of an author, brought to life by a filmmaker, and released at the most irresponsible point possible.

I ask that each of us be mindful that when we go to see a film, keep in mind that it is a fictional invention of the author, and not a factual account of events. I further ask that filmmakers and marketers be more sensitive to the timing of the films they release.

Releasing this film during Domestic Violence Awareness Month is nothing short of hurtful and offensive to those of us who have lived through events such as these, without the fantastical twist at the end, just a dead body and a huge hole left in all of our lives.

Amy Robinson is a voice actress offering a wide range of inflections and accents, bringing a variety of characters right off the page. Amy’s voice is fun, friendly, and very versatile.

Amy has a stake in Domestic Violence Awareness Month, losing her sister to murder in 2011. She created the blog, Justice for Nique, in memory of her murdered sister as a way of releasing her own emotions and being a resource for others.

Visit Amy’s Website: AmyRobinsonVO.Com

Domestic Violence: How to Spot the Lie

2014-10-04T07:42:00.000-04:00

By Peter Hyatt

I hate political correctness, the freedoms it seeks to corral, and I hate "months" designated for this or that. Yet, even a broken watch is right, twice a day, and designating a month to raise awareness of domestic violence sits well with me.

Susan Murphy Milano became a mentor, of sorts, for my work in helping (more than just advocating) for victims of D/V.

Susan Murphy-Milano
*photo/Monica Caison

Susan was amphetamines on steroids rolled up into a super pit bull of energy all at once. Her bite was worse than her bark. People loved her or hated her, and those that hated her, respected her. If a "spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down", Susan had no time to stop off at the grocery store. She moved at the speed of sound, and then some. How cancer ever defeated her can only be explained by faith, as cancer, itself, should have feared Susan, as God knows, I did. Yet it must have been that Christ, Himself, said, "I will be without Susan no longer" and summoned His dedicated messengers to yield her to Himself.

Susan fought the good fight.

Her last phone call with me haunts me still.

Working two jobs, raising a family, and donating time to D/V victims and Missing Persons cases, I knew that Susan wrongfully thought that everyone else had her ability to jump through hoops without hesitation, sleep, or thought. She needed me to:

a. Keep my full time investigatory job;

b. Keep my Statement Analysis jobs, including trainings

c. Fly to Chicago to help film a pilot episode

d. Go over "20/20" scripts, or something like that,

e. Edit her new book. (I did so, bawling my eyes out at each chapter)

f. and, oh, by the way, discern if so and so is lying to her. She knows he is, but she wants to make sure. (Susan was intuitively good at lie detection but could not sit still for formal training. She should have taught it, instead).

She needed all of this done, one hour ago, yesterday.

Then, there was this woman she knows, who's boyfriend had blackened her eyes, and I needed to...

This was her dedication to victims of 'intimate partner violence', as she called it. The world was to stop to help a single victim plot her course of safety, and nothing was more important to Susan than the practical preparation for the victim.

Susan did not "protest" Domestic Violence, as if walking around in circles, carrying a sign saying, "We are against Domestic Violence" while people across the street walked in circles, carried signs that said, "We are for Domestic Violence."

She was too sophisticated to buy into any political clap-trap that sounded like protection, but really only profited the politician who sought some nice publicity before women.

Nope.

Susan was too busy getting the victim to find her birth certificate, medical records, toiletries, and other practicalities, to busy herself with self-seeking nonsense.

Victims of Domestic Violence generally do not live in day to day violence.

It isn't necessary.

Once violence occurs, the vicim soon learns how to avoid violence by walking on eggshells, and keeping the controlling abuser satisfied.

She learns to read his face and his body language, as necessity drives her instincts into overdrive.

Susan could spot that look on a woman's face and know.

I learned more from her than I wish I knew.

Spot the Lie

"I woke up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and went to work..."

This was from a theft investigation, years ago. I noted from the teaching of Avinoam Sapir that when personal hygiene enters a statement, it is a signal of concealed information, often of a personal nature, which may be related to Domestic Violence.

Why is this?

It is this way because few people (less than 10%) feel it necessary to tell us, in a written statement, that she brushed her teeth. We all brush our teeth. (I like to believe this when I stand close to someone at work). Few of us feel the need to add it to our statements, even verbally when discussing our day's progress.

For the victim of Domestic Violence, life is out of control, living hour by hour on eggshells, carefully navigating the temper tantrums of the abuser, who does not need to be violent to control her.

Her life is not her own. It is his.

The feeling of losing control sets off a panic button in all of us, which is often seen in the surrendered shoulders of someone in handcuffs, especially shortly after a struggle. He is defeated. He cannot raise his arms to his face to protect his face, to cover his shame, or to even cover his tears. He is utterly without control of his arms (which is why some then use their feet to fight).

For the victim of Domestic Violence, her life is so out of control, that when she enters the bathroom and locks that door even for a few minutes, she feels control. It is a significant part of her day, therefore, it enters her language.

Even just the raising of awareness in the month of October helps.

Susan is no longer with us.

Some may feel that this is something that does not need to be said, but I think otherwise. I feel her presence, through her words and work, and must remind myself that while I am at my desk, feeling overwhelmed with too much work, the phone is not going to ring and I am not going to be ripped into by her for not calling her back immediately.

God, how I miss that.

What Susan stood for, and did so in a loud, boisterous way, was planning. Detailed planning goes far beyond holding a woman's hand and saying, "it will be alright."

No, it is not going to be alright unless we make it so. The moment that she eludes the control of the abuser, the clock ticks. The next 24 to 48 hours is when the domestic homicide is at its peak.

"See ya, Babe!" wrote one man who killed his girlfriend, in an email to her, after her death, thinking that it would be helpful as an alibi.

Nope.

In fact, as he recalled their "fun" day together, the phrase, "See ya', Babe!" pinpointed her time of death. I told the reporter that it would match the coroner's report and it was highly likely that these are the last words the victim heard before he pulled the trigger.

We raise awareness and, true enough, it is lessening the fake "shame" some women feel, especially those who, as expected, walked in denial, attempted to "win" him back, blamed that "b****" of an ex wife, and made 101 excuses for him.

Yet, overcoming the instinct to nurture, heal and love, she can, and must, get free.

Careful planning is the key.

Awareness is helping, but advocacy must not stop with the Restraining Order.

It continues with careful planning, confidentiality, financial support, and, when necessary, protection in the dangerous days and weeks after.

Susan gave up on no one. No victim's denial could wear her down.

She, being dead, speaks to us today, as we seek to continue to carry the torch.

No need to search for heroes in our world, nor among the departed. They are living among us, infirmities and failures abounding, yet overcoming, and helping others regain the dignity they were born with.

Peter Hyatt is an expert and trainer in Statement Analysis. For detailed information about this science, where his interactive audience weighs in on real cases, and Peter's training posts, visit his site: Statement Analysis

How Cutting Edge Research Can Help Psychologists and Judges Protect Children

2014-10-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

By Barry Goldstein

One of the most important research studies about the impact of domestic violence on children began as a project to treat morbidly obese patients and help them lose substantial amounts of weight by eating no food but taking supplements to satisfy their nutritional needs. Some patients failed to lose the expected weight because they did not follow the protocol, but it was successful patients who were the ones to drop out of the program. Upon studying the personal records and interviewing the patients who left, Dr. Vincent Felitti came to understand that rather than a problem, the patients had viewed their excessive weight as a protective factor. They had experienced childhood trauma, particularly sexual abuse and believed their weight would discourage anyone from attacking them.

These findings led Dr. Felitti with the assistance of Dr. Robert Anda of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to create a study involving over 17,000 middle-age patients in order to understand how childhood trauma impacted their health. This became the original ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) research. The first study was released in 1998 and since that time the CDC has sponsored at least five additional studies in other cities that confirmed and expanded on the findings of Dr. Felitti. There have now been over 80 research papers written for medical professionals about ACE research.

The patients were asked about ten different types of trauma in their childhood. The traumas were selected based on their prevalence in the obesity program. The traumas considered were domestic violence; physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; an adult in the household who engaged in substance abuse; was imprisoned; depressed or mentally ill; separation from at least one of the biological parents; emotional neglect; and physical neglect. An ACE Score was created wherein the patient received one point for exposure to each type of trauma. The point was given whether there was one incident or many so the calculation often understates the harm.

The fundamental finding in the ACE research is that children exposed to domestic violence, child abuse and other trauma will suffer more illnesses and injuries throughout their lives and have a shorter life expectancy. The harm is cumulative so that each additional form of trauma multiplies the risk. Other research demonstrates that fathers who commit domestic violence are more likely to also commit child abuse. Thus if a child was exposed to domestic violence, verbal, physical and sexual abuse, that would create an ACE score of 4. If one of the parents also had a substance abuse problem and these events led to the removal of one of the parents from the child’s life the ACE score would be 6. At this level a child has a life expectancy twenty years less than a child with none of these traumas.

On first consideration these findings are depressing, but they also offer an incredible opportunity. If society can protect children from domestic violence and child abuse, we would enjoy a dramatic improvement in the health of children and adults with huge resulting financial savings. The initial reports and articles have been directed at the medical community. This is useful because doctors can use this information to diagnose and treat adult patients suffering from a variety of illnesses that were caused by trauma experienced decades earlier. I am now working with Dr. Felitti to use this research for purposes of prevention.

In 1964 the Surgeon General’s report linking smoking and cancer was released. The tobacco industry initially attacked the report and denied the findings. Today the American Cancer Society and the American Heart Association would not consider doing their work without a component to discourage smoking. This has led to a significant reduction in smoking and therefore less cancer, heart disease and deaths.

The ACE research has linked the childhood traumas studied to the ten leading causes of death in the United States. We believe that charitable organizations working to prevent many common diseases and societal problems should include a component to prevent domestic violence and child abuse in their work. This would include organizations working to prevent cancer, heart disease, diabetes, asthma, auto-immune diseases, Aids, substance abuse, depression, suicide, eating disorders, PTSD, rape and many other scourges of society.

Understanding the pathways from abuse to illness will help professionals develop appropriate responses to domestic violence and child abuse. Domestic violence involve tactics abusers use to coerce and control their partners. The purpose of the tactics is to frighten and intimidate the victim so she does what the abuser demands even if she does not agree. Even more than the immediate harm from any physical abuse, it is this stress and fear that impacts victims and their children to produce the long-term medical risks. Many common diseases are caused or exacerbated by stress. The stress also causes inflammation which is associated with many health risks. The abuse and stress also lead to eating and sleeping disorders which in turn cause still more medical problems. Domestic violence and child abuse are also linked to depression and PTSD. The laws that require courts to consider domestic violence when making decisions about custody and visitation were based on research that children exposed to domestic violence are more likely to make a variety of poor choices. This leads to problems like substance abuse, crime, prostitution, teen pregnancy, dropping out of school, self-mutilation, suicide and depression. Significantly, these health problems and poor decisions interact with each other to increase risks exponentially.

How domestic violence and child abuse harm children is critical to understanding the most effective responses. Some professionals look to individual incidents and tend to focus on physical abuse. In a situation where a man and woman hit each other the professional might make the mistake of assuming the behaviors are equivalent. Aside from whether one assault was more severe, an important question is who is afraid of their partner. In many cases the woman is smaller and physically weaker and so the man is not afraid the way the woman is. Furthermore the physical incident is part of a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior that creates the stress and fear associated with health risks. This is why context is so important to understanding domestic violence. Approaches that look only at physical abuse, minimize the significance of domestic violence, miss the underlying pattern and the impact on the victim or focus on less important issues will fail to protect children from the catastrophic risks described in the ACE research.

The Saunders’ Study: Recognizing True Abuse Complaints

The disastrous impact on children of exposure to domestic violence and child abuse should require that psychologists and judges err on the side of safety and make sure they can recognize true allegations of abuse. The study led by Dr. Daniel Saunders of the University of Michigan was released by the U. S. Department of Justice in April of 2012. Dr. Saunders recommended that evaluators and other professionals receive training about the impact of domestic violence on children. The ACE research confirms the importance of this information.

The purpose of the Saunders’ study was to consider the knowledge and training of evaluators and other court professionals regarding domestic violence. He recommended that they have training in screening for domestic violence, risk assessment, post-separation violence and the impact of domestic violence on children. Many of the findings from this research raise concerns that court professionals do not have the expertise they need and this frequently leads to the failure to protect children.

Dr. Saunders emphasized that the selection of evaluators and other professionals to participate was not done on a random basis. He relied on volunteers and it is reasonable to believe the sample was weighted towards the best professionals who agreed to participate because they had greater training and interest in domestic violence issues than their colleagues. Despite this, however, approximately 30% of the evaluators said they did not have all of the necessary knowledge. Even this understates the problem as other questions demonstrated the lack of adequate training is far more widespread. Although most evaluators claimed they screened for domestic violence, when asked what tools they used many relied on standard psychological tests. These provide no information about domestic violence which means the evaluators were not conducting any effective screening. Their answers to vignettes further demonstrated inadequate understanding of domestic violence. This is the worst possible situation because these professionals did not have the necessary training but believe they do so they would be unlikely to consult with genuine experts.

Dr. Saunders found that evaluators and other professionals without the needed training tended to focus on the myth that women frequently make false allegations, unscientific alienation theories and the assumption that mothers seeking to protect children from frightening fathers were actually harming the children. Many domestic violence custody cases focus on these issues which means the courts are frequently relying on unqualified professionals. The Saunders’ study found that professionals using these methods create outcomes that hurt children.

The study also looked at what Dr. Saunders referred to as “harmful outcome” cases. These are extreme decisions in which the alleged abuser wins custody and the safe, protective mother who is the primary attachment figure is limited to supervised or no visitation. These are typically cases in which the mother raised concerns about abuse, but the court disbelieved her. These outcomes are always wrong because the harm of separating the children from their primary attachment figure, damage that includes increased risk of depression, low self-esteem and suicide when older is greater than any benefit the court thought it was creating. In most of these cases the extreme outcome was caused by a very flawed process so frequently the opposite outcome would have benefited the children. The frequency of these harmful outcomes confirms the courts routinely rely on unqualified professionals.

The Quincy Solution:

Would Anyone Like to Share $500 Billion Every Year?

The ACE research demonstrates the enormous harm caused by tolerating domestic violence and child abuse. It not only reduces the quality and length of millions of lives, but creates enormous economic harm that impacts all of society. Research about the original Quincy Model proves that domestic violence and child abuse are not inevitable and that they can be dramatically reduced by using a group of best practices that are easily implemented. The Saunders’ study provides information on how to reform the custody court system which must be included in order to enjoy the enormous benefits from the Quincy Model with its reduction in domestic violence crimes and child abuse.

A group of leaders in Quincy, Massachusetts first individually and later working together developed a series of best practices to prevent domestic violence crime that became known as the Quincy Model. The people in Norfolk County benefited from this program from the late 1970s until the mid-1990s. District Attorney, Bill Delahunt reviewed the personal records of inmates at a nearby high security prison and noticed that virtually everyone had a childhood history that included domestic violence and/or sexual abuse. He realized that if they could prevent domestic violence crime, all crime would be reduced and that is exactly what happened. A county that had averaged 5 or 6 domestic violence homicides every year had none for several years, then one and back to none.

Some other communities like Nashville, San Diego and Duluth had similar good results with similar best practices. When some of the best practices were abandoned the murder and crime rates went back up. Since Quincy new research and technologies have become available and can be used to strengthen the model. During the Quincy Model some victims stopped cooperating after their abusers sought custody in the Probate Court. This undermined but did not derail the Quincy Model because this abuser tactic was still rare. Today it is standard practice for the worst abusive fathers to seek custody as a way to regain control over their victims. Most custody cases are settled more or less amicably. Even in cases with abusive fathers the litigation is settled because the fathers love their children and are unwilling to deliberately hurt them by separating the children from their mothers. This often results in a settlement in which the mother gives up resources and financial support in return for custody. The biggest problem in custody courts are the 3.8% of cases which cannot be settled and go to trial and often far beyond. These are overwhelmingly domestic violence cases that cannot be settled because the abuser is willing to hurt the child in order to control and punish the mother. At the same time the abusers are very manipulative and as the Saunders’ study demonstrated the court professionals do not have the training to recognize domestic violence. The problem is compounded by the development of a cottage industry of lawyers and evaluators that earn large incomes by supporting practices that help abusers. Domestic violence is about control and includes control of the family financial resources. Accordingly the best way for professionals to make a good living is to support the side with the money.

Many court professionals are taught to misunderstand these disputes as “high conflict” cases. That assumes the victim and the abuser are equally responsible for the conflict. The courts often pressure victims to cooperate with their abusers instead of forcing the father to stop his abuse if he wants a relationship with the children. A study led by Jennifer Hardesty found that courts frequently place too much emphasis on the emotions and anger of the mother out of proportion of what it says about her parenting. Many court-sponsored committees have found widespread gender bias against women. One common example is blaming mothers for their normal reactions to the fathers’ abuse. Dr. Saunders found that courts are not requiring supervised visitation for alleged abusers as often as they should. Every year in the United States, 58,000 children are sent for custody or visitation with dangerous abusers.

If custody courts are unwilling to voluntarily create the needed reforms, the Quincy Solution protects children with the Safe Child Act. This requires that in all custody and visitation decisions the health and safety of the children must be the first priority. Many people are surprised this is not already required. The proposed legislation requires courts to use genuine experts and avoids many of the outdated practices that place children in jeopardy.

Bill Delahunt created a section in his office to prosecute incest and child sexual abuse crimes. He believed that most allegations are true despite assumptions at the time that children frequently made false complaints. The original ACE study included a confidential questionnaire of over 17,000 middle age patients. 22% stated they were sexually abused as children. They had no reason to lie about this and in fact some patients probably denied abuse because embarrassment or defense mechanisms caused them to forget. Accordingly we know sexual abuse of children is far more common than we would like to believe. Nevertheless, although research confirms mothers make deliberately false allegations of sexual abuse less than 2% of the time, custody courts are giving the alleged sexual predators custody in 85% of these cases. This means courts are sending many children to live with their rapists. In this context Saunders’ finding that inadequately trained professionals tend to focus on the myth that women frequently make false allegations is especially important.

The same pathways described in the ACE research that cause health problems to children from domestic violence and child abuse also impact direct victims of domestic violence. The Academy on Violence and Abuse studied the medical costs and estimated the United States spends $333-750 billion per year on health costs related to domestic violence. I believe the higher amount is more likely because even in medical settings victims often deny or minimize their partner’s abuse. We spend over one trillion dollars per year on crime costs and at least $200 billion is caused by domestic violence. Many victims, children, third parties and abusers never reach their financial potential substantially undermining the economy. This means in the United States, domestic violence costs us over one trillion dollars annually and should be thought of as a subsidy for abusers. Even the best practices won’t end all domestic violence or related child abuse, but based on past successes, The Quincy Solution can prevent 80% of domestic violence crime and save at least $500 billion annually.

The Quincy Solution is not magic, but just the use of a group of best practices we know can prevent domestic violence. This includes strict enforcement of criminal laws, orders of protection and probation conditions; practices that make it easier for victims to leave; coordinated community response; multi-disciplinary approaches, use of current scientific research and technology like GPS; and reform of the custody courts so abusers can no longer manipulate the courts to gain custody or pressure their victim to return.

Most women will no longer have to cope with domestic violence. Children will live in safer homes and grow up happier and healthier. We will all benefit from a stronger economy, less crime and dramatically reduced health insurance costs. Of course in order to gain these life changing benefits, abusive men will no longer be able to terrorize and control their families. Sounds like the best deal we could ever make.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence author, speaker and expert. His new book, The Quincy Solution: Stop Domestic Violence and Save $500 Billion demonstrates that domestic violence is not inevitable and we can enjoy the benefits of ending abuse through the best practices in the Quincy Solution. Barry is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody and co-author with Elizabeth Liu of Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor. To purchase the new book or join the campaign to end domestic violence with the Quincy Solution: http://stopabusecampaign.com/product/the-quincy-solution To learn more about Barry's work, check out www.Barrygoldstein.net and www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com Barry can be reached at Barryg78@aol.com

Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014

2014-10-01T16:53:00.000-04:00

We enter into another October, another National Domestic Violence Awareness Month with hope and wonder about when it will all end.

Since the inception of this blog, devoted to SOS=Searching Out Solutions for victims of violence, we've seen news reports about new victims on a daily basis, some battered, some missing, and some murdered.

As long as there are those wounded by family violence, we have a long way to go to decrease the risk of harm and lethality.

The creation of this blog in 2009 was inspired by the title of the book, Time's Up! by the late Susan Murphy-Milano, but not only is it a forum for the complicated aspects of intimate partner violence, but all victims of violence.

Over the years we've been privileged to have hundreds and hundreds of informative posts from writers on a variety of topics, but with one thing in common, a desire to see positive changes in the way we deal with violence.

Realizing that change comes slowly, advocates across the country are not backing down from seeing those changes take place. Perhaps we can be of service by greasing the wheels, voting, or aligning ourselves with those in positions of power who can make it happen, sooner and not later.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2014

Let's continue to unite our efforts to stop the bleeding.
Let's continue to speak out through this blog, continue to write about truthful controversy, help to pull in a wider audience who needs to learn, or those who have their own wisdom to impart.
Let's push to engage more conversations about a subject that's often heated, one which has historically been divided on many lines.
Let's cross those lines, again and again, until there are no more victims who have to live in fear for themselves and their children.
Let's unite as individuals and organizations moving towards a brighter future so that our children and grandchildren can make better informed choices and can learn to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.
Let's get serious about looking at more innovative measures to keep victims safe as they choose to leave abusive relationships, and thoroughly give credence to changes within our justice system to allow for better litigation of high risk cases. Simple tools can save BILLIONS and "check the box" safety planning is just not working!
Let's put our children and their futures first when asking the courts for rulings based on fact, not innuendo.

We've invited several writers, some you will be familiar with if you've been following this blog, others new to the site. We hope that you will become a loyal reader, help share the posts, and encourage friendly dialogue throughout October and beyond!

Domestic Violence Awareness MUST be more than one month per year, after all, it occurs every day.

The NFL Just Doesn’t Get It

2014-09-24T06:51:00.000-04:00

Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice
photo/Wikipedia

by Diane Dimond

The statistics are easy to find. One in every 3 women in the United States will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

It is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined. Every single day in America women are murdered by their “loving” husbands or boyfriends. And, studies report that up to 10 million children are eye-witnesses to the brutality every year.

Anyone with half a brain knows domestic violence is a big, under-reported problem in the United States. So, why didn’t it dawn on executives at the NFL or the Baltimore Ravens that running back Ray Rice could be a domestic abuser?

When they watched the first video of Rice, 27, and his then-girlfriend, Janay Parker, going into an empty casino elevator and seconds later emerging on a lower floor with Rice manhandling Janay’s limp body what did they think might have happened?

Did Ray Rice’s bosses think a tipsy Janay simply tripped and fell as the elevator descended? If they did, that’s just nonsense.

Rice was clearly seen dragging his unconscious fiancée off the elevator, dropping her face first to the floor, giving her legs a kick as he tried to get them past the elevator threshold and might have, as some reports indicated, actually spit on her. By the way, this occurred last Valentine’s Day weekend and the initial police report specifically stated that Rice had assaulted his sweetheart with his hand, “rendering her unconscious.”

So, after seeing the disgusting display and reading the police report the league tells the five-year, $35 million player that he’s suspended from playing in the first two regular season games. Big deal. Rice was also fined $500,000 as if money could erase the deed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
photo/Wikipedia

It took NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell about a month to hear the howls of protest from victim advocates. Going forward, he then announced, all first time domestic abuse violations would be met with a six-game suspension. He didn’t mention what would happen if one of his prized athletes went to jail for the offense.

The NFL has an official intervention policy for athletes who take illegal drugs but up until now no official response to team members who beat the crap out of a girlfriend. Something is off-kilter there.

Domestic abuse exists because we let it. We, collectively, fail to adequately shame and punish the perpetrator. Too many people focus on why the victim didn’t pack up and leave after the first attack instead of asking the common-sense question: What is wrong with him!? (For the record: domestic abuse can also happen to males but it occurs at a vastly less frequent rate.)

As we all know it took a second, much more graphic videotape to surface -- one from inside the elevator which captured the moment Janay, 26, was dealt a left hook so vicious that it knocked her unconscious – before Goodell announced Rice would be “suspended indefinitely.” Only then did the Ravens terminate Rice’s contract.

Apparently Goodell, the father of twin daughters, couldn’t imagine there had been a domestic assault. He had to actually see the 5’ 8”, 206 pound Rice decking his soon-to-be bride and treating her like a gym bag full of dirty clothes before taking definitive action.

As I write this, the NFL’s credibility has taken another blow as opposing versions have surfaced about when league officials first saw the knock-out video. The Associated Press reports the football big-wigs received a copy back in April. Goodell denies that and said he first saw it when the TMZ website posted it as an exclusive on September 8th.

That’s beside the point, in my opinion. No one should have needed to see the pathetic sight of Janay Palmer-Rice being brutalized and struggling for consciousness before condemning the man who put her in that position.

Having said all that, let’s remember it wasn’t the NFL or Goodell or the Ravens that slammed a fist into the face of a young woman. It was Ray Rice. And, it is his new wife who refuses to see herself as a victim.

It’s a dynamic that plays out every day in countless intimate relationships. Someone gets horribly hurt but still clings to the abuser. Healing that kind of tortured psychological mindset is what we should focus upon because many times someone gets killed.

Diane Dimond

To find out more about Diane Dimond visit her website at www.DianeDimond.com . To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2014 CREATORS.COM

Men and Domestic Violence

2014-09-21T00:30:00.000-04:00

By Heidi Hiatt

2010 has been the year of betrayals, breakups, and divorces. I continue to be shocked at the number of relationships falling down around me.

While there are two sides to every story, it seems to me that it is becoming increasingly common for one party in a relationship to carry the majority of the blame. It’s like the world is dividing into two camps in anticipation of some great shift, narcissists and those who try to follow the Golden Rule.

This week I had the opportunity to catch up with several longtime friends and discuss their situations. It hit me that in nearly every breakup I’ve seen this year, it is the stable, hard-working, faithful, committed partner that does not abuse drugs or alcohol getting dumped like garbage.

Every one of these people openly admits their quirks and the things they need to work on, but none of those issues are divorce-worthy. Many are normal human shortcomings and residual trauma that can be worked through. I see these people as attractive, intelligent, fun, and successful, but their partners have decided that the grass is greener with more risky people.

Risky is the correct word. I’ve witnessed children being put on back burners to accommodate their parent’s games and used as weapons. I’ve seen how one parent’s hatred of the other conditions the children to become abusive, hate-filled people themselves. It is heartbreaking to see children form bonds and then be forced to break bonds with the people who are cycled through their parents’ lives.

Unfaithful partners are using their unwitting faithful counterparts as child care and their families as a resource to facilitate their liaisons. In one case, a friend’s in-laws had actually been encouraging the other woman’s presence and involvement while their son was still married. Other people find themselves used financially, or being pushed away when things aren’t adding up.

It is not unusual for families to enable a relative’s pathology even when that risks hurting their children. Enabling an unhealthy or dishonest relationship is sanctioning poor parental choices and setting the kids up for their own lifetime of instability. Children are often the last people who matter in the midst of these games.

One person told me how painful it is to watch another woman—the “friend” who decided to “help” her husband and kids at a critical time—end up with her house, her former vehicle, and many of her belongings. Another told me how their spouse demanded the divorce, but tries to control who they see and to keep them on hold in case they want them back in the future. It seems that a significant number of people are practicing this “Plan B” narcissism—if their affairs don’t work out, they want the option of going back.

The lengths that people go to in an effort to legitimize these unhealthy new relationships seem to be part of some sick rush they get by having affairs. One of the most common tactics seems to be blame-shifting, an attempt to make everything that’s wrong look like it’s caused by the faithful partner. Another is flat-out character assassination, slandering or falsely accusing that partner to relieve themselves of taking responsibility for their actions.

Yet a third is embarking on a public relations mission to build their new partner up at the expense of the old. If a person has to consciously try to win support for what they’re doing at the expense of another, there’s a good reason to question what they’re doing. When I see this happening, it reminds me of playground bullies that only feel good about themselves by putting someone else down.

The mental shift that unfaithful people undergo is frightening. They seem to have no genuine concern for any aspect of their partner’s well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. They recklessly put their partners’ health at risk and play head games with them either to avoid getting caught or punish them for not letting them have their cake and eat it too.

This has me wondering if deceptive, dangerous, or dysfunctional is the new “sexy”. Pop culture certainly seems to glamorize those “d” words—collectively, a darkness that destroys committed relationships. I understand the attraction that bad boys can have for women and bad girls can have to men. In those conditions we are able to indulge our own unresolved character issues and desire to rescue others.

But you can have a healthy kind of crazy, “bad”, or adventurous within a committed relationship too. To me, developing that sounds way more fun than risking my partner and family’s well-being to break a vow or a covenant. I would much rather spend time working on the tough issues in a committed relationship, reaping hard-earned rewards, than flitting around in dishonest, secretive hookups that won’t last.

This may seem like a long lead-in to the subject of men and domestic violence, but the point of mentioning all of these behaviors is that they go both ways. Women are abused, especially physically, more than men, but after hearing friends talk about female-on-male physical violence, control issues, stalking, and cheating, it’s clear that domestic violence is not a gender issue. Abuse is equally wrong whether a man or woman is committing it.

Statistics about domestic violence against men are probably skewed since it is very likely to be underreported. Not only is it awkward and embarrassing for men to publicly admit that they have been hurt by a woman, but many authorities won’t take them seriously or file reports when they do. The “you’re a man, deal with it” attitude, and many stereotypes about domestic violence, run rampant in this country. Men may think that reporting abuse or seeking help for it is a sign of weakness.

Reality is that men can be victims of psychological battering, physical violence, stalking (in growing numbers), manipulation, financial control, sexual abuse, and everything that a woman can. Somehow our society doesn’t want to believe these crimes and behaviors are as serious if they happen to a man.

Our culture has normalized aberrant behaviors in women, such as striking a man in the face, putting them down publicly, controlling them through sex, and allowing certain entitlement mentalities (seehttp://wildninja.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/sitcom-wives/). Much of this may be seen as valid payback for thousands of years of mistreatment of women, but it is still WRONG.

Man or woman, being attacked by someone else on any level damages your health and your self-worth. It can forever alter your existence and the way you look at life. The denial men engage in to cope with or rationalize woman-perpetrated abuse can lead to entrapment in unhealthy relationships. Men may endure many cycles, even years and decades, of abuse because they don’t want to be abandoned, see winning the abuser back as proof of their manhood, or mistakenly believe that they can love a pathological woman into healthiness.

The most common type of abuse I see when a woman abuses a man is not physical abuse. Most of the material you will find about female-on-male domestic violence is about that. But it is psychological abuse that seems to be the most prevalent form of abuse utilized by women. This may be because psychological abuse is the more subtle form of beating someone into submission. You also can’t get arrested for it unless you threaten their life.

In the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got To Do With It, moviegoers saw Ike Turner viciously beat and belittle his partner, then turn around and buy her expensive gifts to “make up for it.” A male friend of mine pointed out that women rarely do that; instead, they rip into men’s psyches and then use sex and seduction as the “make up gifts” to worm their way back into their lives.

That is an extremely abusive cycle because a man endures great personal harm, then is lulled back into a false sense of stability for awhile until it happens again. Over and over some men are verbally abused, taken advantage of, subjected to psychological terrorism, and cheated on, then reeled back in by the “gifts” of what is essentially sexual abuse. These cycles are all about power and control, not love. I call it “Reverse Ike Turner Syndrome” (with apologies to a man who hopefully got his rage under control).

Because of the lack of resources and shelters out there for male victims of domestic violence, a man’s best defense may be to educate himself on the subject. Both sexes need to know how to attract and retain healthy people with the ability to grow in mutually beneficial relationships. Instead, we often enter adult life without a proper sense of boundaries, tend to be attracted to the same type of controlling or abusive person that our opposite sex parent was, and can’t accurately define domestic violence.

Everyone needs to be educated about pathological behaviors, psychopathy, and other selfish, evil states of being that can damage us. Because men are expected to be the tough ones who take care of themselves, they may not recognize or acknowledge such issues when they encounter them. It is important to know what you might be dealing with to save your children, your current partner, and yourself from harm. My advice: read, read, read, get into counseling, and find Bible-based support through church.

One issue that continues to jump out at me when I research domestic violence is how personality disorders may dictate a person’s conduct in a relationship. Think of a personality disorder as a way of thinking that inaccurately colors the way a person looks at life. Of all the personality disorders that seem to affect women’s treatment of men, it is borderline personality disorder that seems to lead the pack. One of the first books written on this subject was called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Movies like Fatal Attraction and Single White Female are the Hollywood versions of this disorder. From my own experiences, I don’t think Single White Female was too far off. I’ve ended friendships and had other unsettling experiences because of that type of behavior. It wasn’t behavior I could “learn to deal with”; it’s unpredictable, backstabbing, and like being in a constant competition for a Miss Popularity award that I have no interest in vying for.

Some of these women will do anything to “prove” they’re the most “desirable” or to “win”, even if it means seducing or stealing someone else’s man. They get a thrill out of disrupting or slaughtering other people’s committed relationships, much the same as the rush some serial killers get when they take a life.

Alcoholism and substance abuse is common among borderlines, and in their private lives, many are emotionally immature, never progressing beyond a junior high emotional intelligence level.

These women have an empty spot inside of them that is never filled, and their behavior may become more dangerous and erratic with time. It may also become less obvious with time because they’re well-practiced.

If you try to leave them, though, you may soon find yourself looking down the barrel of the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset. They’re also the ones who will leave you of their own accord, but come back as soon as they see you having a serious relationship with someone else.

Some of these women might be fine with an open marriage or open relationship concept in which you are the emotional support, the “rock”, or even a sort of parent that they always come back to. But they want the freedom of seeing other people as well, whether they do that behind your back or coerce you into it.

Women like this will use anyone and anything to keep their targets at their beck and call regardless of the cost to others. Some borderline behavior overlaps with sociopathic behavior to the extent that experts have coined a new term for such people, borderpaths. Life is all about them, and they want men who will kowtow to that. They often purposefully latch onto nice and generous men believing that they will be easy to manipulate. That’s not love, that’s slavery. That’s sick.

If any of this sounds familiar, the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and more information, is athttp://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm. I’d also recommend the book Sometimes I Act Crazy, below. While I do not advocate breaking up a marriage just because someone has mental issues (don’t we all), men need to be able to draw the line when they and their family’s safety is at risk. Unrepentant, chronic abuse and adultery can be valid grounds for divorce, sad as divorce is.

Men, although you may think that you have to tolerate certain behaviors because of your sex, please remember that abuse is not biblical. It’s not God’s way. This is not what He wants for you. You were created to, as I said in another post, live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before you or after you can.

Abuse molds you into who someone else wants you to be, not who God wants you to be. It robs you of your strength and dignity, and it prevents your family from experiencing your authentic self. Your children especially need a consistent, healthy role model that will set the standard for their relationships.

Children are little sponges who thirstily absorb your example, and the legacy you create for them is important. It’s been said that children are messages you send to a time you will not see. Your current circumstances may be setting the stage for your great-great-grandchildren’s lives.

That’s a sobering thought. But a quick look at our own family’s histories might show that to be true already. We are the people who have to stop the dysfunction with this generation and raise the bar.

In a world of James 1:8s—double-minded people who are unstable in all of their ways—kids really need their parents to model loving, committed behavior if they are to have a chance at true love without violence.

This means that both men and women need to know their enemy—domestic violence– and get whatever help they need to deal with it. That may mean severing relationships, because you can’t solve someone else’s pathology for them, no matter how traumatic the pathology’s origins.

Lastly, I know that there are those that downplay domestic violence towards men believing that it detracts from domestic violence against women. Some experts don’t like to discuss male abuse because fewer men experience it than women, and even fewer men report it.

No one has to convince me how serious of a problem this is for women—I have been through several deceptive, damaging relationships and have experienced persistent sexism in the workplace. You’re preaching to the choir.

Here’s the bottom line, and I’m turning on the caps lock to shout it out on behalf of the men who have been hurt by it:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A GENDER NEUTRAL ISSUE. NO VICTIM DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR EXPERIENCES DOWNPLAYED BECAUSE OF THEIR SEX. WHETHER A MAN OR WOMAN COMMITS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, IT IS WRONG, AND IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH.

Videos

When Women Abuse Men, ABC News
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hn-wL6hPq8

Men Suffer Domestic Violence Too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGDTDawB4wE&feature=related

Male domestic violence victim speaks out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPTOXG6Ha48&feature=related

Websites

The “Duluth Model” Power and Control Wheel, a version for female perpetrators
http://www.dvservices.org/id41.html

A Men’s Guide to the Signs of a Bad Dating Choice
http://www.datebetterwomennow.com/docsfordating/TheSignsofaBadDatingChoiceInWomenE-book.pdf

Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml

Male Abuse
http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Stalking & Domestic Violence Statistics
http://new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx

Books

How to Avoid Dating Damaged & Destructive Women (E-Book), Sandra L. Brown
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/how-to-avoid-dating-damaged-destructive-women

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, Jerold Kreisman and Hal Strauss
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0471792144/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0380713055&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1AM6MSQR08YS2266KGKB

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, Philip Cook
http://www.amazon.com/Abused-Men-Hidden-Domestic-Violence/dp/0275958620/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283035856&sr=1-1

Women Who Love Psychopaths, 2nd Edition, Sandra L. Brown
I recommend this book for men? Yes. Men can absolutely be victims of female psychopaths. The material presented in this book can go either way despite the title.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-2nd/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282971995&sr=1-1

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036191&sr=1-1

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes, Duke Robinson
http://www.amazon.com/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036300&sr=1-1

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, Wayne Levine
(NUTs = Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms)
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036347&sr=1-1#_

Boundaries: When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036547&sr=1-4

The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972138&sr=1-6

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_39?s=STORE&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972238&sr=1-39

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972328&sr=1-1

Venus: The Dark Side, Roy Sheppard and Mary T. Cleary (I have not read this, but it sounds like someone has finally come out with a book about female sociopaths. Hopefully it’s respectful.)
http://www.amazon.com/Venus-Dark-Side-Roy-Sheppard/dp/190153412X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972488&sr=1-1

Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/0849913411

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence, Gavin de Becker
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440508835/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0440226198&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1J6A0DZRFVEW6MFE5KKP

Please note that most of these books are secular, but I include them because I have yet to find equivalents in the faith-based realm. Obviously if any content runs counter to your Christian beliefs, disregard it, and keep only what’s worth keeping.

**********************************************************************************

Whatever I do for my spouse, I do it to Christ as well. –Emerson Eggerichs

Voice Actress Amy Robinson Creates Domestic Violence PSAs

2014-09-12T09:28:00.002-04:00

Many organizations, advocates and citizens across the country are promoting national Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October raising awareness and educating the public about the nuances of violence in the home using traditional gatherings, events and speeches.

One woman who thinks outside the box has taken awareness a step further by creating FREE public service announcements to be used by any radio host, podcaster, or any means of broadcasting.

Amy Robinson has a stake in Domestic Violence Awareness Month, losing her sister to murder in 2011. She created the blog, Justice for Nique, in memory of her murdered sister as a way of releasing her own emotions and being a resource for others.

Dominique “Niqué” Chatham Leili was murdered in July, 2011. Her husband, Matthew, is the only suspect. Her body was found concealed in the woods near the entrance to her subdivision in Lawrenceville, GA. Her husband has fled the state, and taken their two young daughters, Amanda and Rebecca, with him. This blog is to fight for Niqué’s memory – to provide a voice – to tell the truth so that one day her daughters have a record of who their mother really was and how much she sacrificed for them.

Amy had an idea to create the PSAs and put the idea out to her group and was surprised at the number of volunteers who stepped up to make her dream a reality.

These are PSAs for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are in broadcasting, podcasting, or radio of any sort, please feel free and encouraged to download and distribute these freely.

He Says I Am…

Kids Of Abuse

Psychological Abuse

Violent Relationships

When Friends See Violence

The following amazing and talented voice actresses (and a couple of their children!) contributed to this amazing project.

About Amy Robinson

Amy Robinson

“The girl next door with the smile you can hear.”

With a character for every occasion, and a voice that’s easy on the ears, Amy (Elk) Robinson can bring your characters right off the page.

An actress from a young age, Amy’s first taste for acting was in a school production of “The Giving Tree” where she played the tree at the tender age of 6. She’s come a long way since then, studying Voice Over acting with heavy hitters like Bob Bergen, Rob Paulsen, Della Cole, and Paul Armbruster.

Amy is always looking to stretch her acting muscles, and take on a new challenge. She recently recorded the upcoming audiobook for Susan Murphy-Milano‘s Autobiography “Holding My Hand Through Hell” where she tells the harrowing tale of growing up in an abusive household.

She has also performed in several video games for European gaming company “Artifex Mundi” and is the official voice of NCR Advanced Store’s training presentations.

Amy is currently studying Improvisation at Dad’s Garage Theatre in Atlanta.

Offering a wide range of inflections and accents, female voiceover talent Amy Robinson can bring a variety of characters right off the page. Amy’s voice is fun, friendly, and very versatile.

Visit Amy’s Website: AmyRobinsonVO.Com

Voice Actress Amy Robinson Creates Domestic Violence PSAs

What a Sociopath Looks Like!

2014-02-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

By Heidi Hiatt

Mr. Baffleberg? My cousin’s longtime piano teacher?!

Yellow teeth bared, he raised the knife in a jerky automaton-like flourish as putrid sweat dripped from his stringy reddish black hair…

Is this what you think of when you picture a sociopath? If so, you’re not alone. This is how pop culture often portrays dangerous and dishonest people– in hockey masks, dragging one leg heavily behind them, brandishing weapons, unkempt, socially inept loners who drive noisy ’70s vehicles with human bones dangling from the rear view mirror– and the list goes on.

Unfortunately these stereotypes have numbed our senses and narrowed our vision. Oftentimes, when we hear that someone has been arrested for embezzlement, murder, or other crimes, we see a particular phrase pop up on the evening news: “he always seemed like such a nice guy.” A clean-shaven athletic man in a citrus-hued polo shirt and neat slacks doesn’t really fit the image of a sociopath that we’ve been conditioned to accept.

There are many arguments about how to distinguish between psychopaths, sociopaths, and those with antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes this is explained on a continuum of violence or in the context of just how far someone is willing to go to cover their wrongdoings.

For the purposes of this article, I’m going to use the term sociopath loosely to describe self-serving human beings who can use and harm others without much, if any, conscience flickering behind their greedy eyes. These are people in serious need of the grace of God.

Only someone who looks like me would dare mislead you, dear.

Readers of my blog–some of whom have stood with me in my struggles against sociopaths– know that in my personal experience, a particular type of sociopath stands out. Whether male or female, these people are usually in positions of power and have a habit of ingratiating themselves to their organizations and endearing themselves to the upper echelons.

When someone finally finds the courage to report their wrongdoing, they are so embedded in the organization that the complainant is rebuffed as if they have a personal beef or are overreacting. It is often the whistleblower scrambling to find a new job or legal representation rather than the suspect.

That kind of thinking is exactly what I want American society to overcome. Sociopaths are often not the obvious suspects. They instinctively know how to bury their misdeeds and burn the people who stand up to them. They have a justification for every accusation. There is a rationalization for every questionable circumstance. They are quick to shift the blame and make any victims or witnesses appear needy, crazy, vindictive, or unbalanced.

These behaviors are disgustingly obvious to those trained to see them, or to those who’ve dealt with criminal behavior in their personal lives. It doesn’t take magical powers to realize when one of these people is operating within your family, church, or profession, but it does require an open mind. We must acknowledge that sociopaths don’t live in a colony of caves they all return to at sunrise, but they are among us each and every day.

Even the police have various stereotypes that they employ while analyzing suspects, like, “if they’re not making eye contact, they’re lying to me,” or “they’re not telling me the truth because they’re nervous.” There can be various legitimate reasons for that behavior and that kind of old school boilerplate thinking can lead to extremely wrong conclusions. Many sociopaths are smooth talkers and some can remain cool as cucumbers when questioned about their actions.

Remember this scene from Men in Black?

To my horror I’ve seen some of these people ingratiate themselves to the police and it’s the police who stand up for them when their sins begin to leak out. We do the same thing in our families– “oh, he wouldn’t do that,” or “there’s no way one of our own could do such a thing.”

How do you know? Did you investigate? Did you involve an objective third party who could offer their take on the situation? Did you ask an expert on the suspected behavior? Why would the alleged victim risk so much or pay so heavy a price for turning them in?

Sociopath, to some, is synonymous with serial killer. We need to get over that. Yes, serial killers usually display some degree of psychopathy, but their profiles and motivations can be very different. The same is true of the people I’m speaking of. While sociopaths share common traits, they don’t all work in one field or eat at the same restaurant or look alike. One reason these men and women are so successful at their game of using others for their own pleasure is because they blend in.

Sociopaths can have families. They can be parents. They might be great parents. They can be attractive. They can be popular. They might be highly intelligent or they might be of average intelligence or below and just know how to talk the talk. Some like to keep their names in lights and their good deeds in people’s hearts; they’re the ones who are always volunteering or putting supposed sacrificial kindnesses on display for others to see.

These folks might practice a false modesty but they are careful to cultivate a public persona that just “can’t be the sweet old lady who embezzled $30,000 from the nonprofit’s operating fund.” Yet every day in the news, there’s someone else… and someone else… and someone else whose family or coworkers or organization finally dared to investigate those curious little question marks that started to gather, resulting in an arrest.

He has your best interests in mind. He really does.

Earlier this year, I saw a list that claimed to identify the top ten professions in which psychopaths work, http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/01/06/these-are-the-top-10-jobs-most-likely-to-attract-psychopaths-should-we-be-worried/#:

1. CEO

2. Lawyer

3. Media (Television/Radio)

4. Salesperson

5. Surgeon

6. Journalist

7. Police Officer

8. Clergy person

9. Chef

10. Civil Servant

The list, evidently, comes from a book by Oxford psychologist Kevin Dutton called The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success. I’ve seen similar lists published from time to time. While I see the truth in them, I usually wonder how they came to these conclusions. This list looks pretty logical to me, though, so I’m going to run with it.

What do sociopathic people usually want? Power and control. Money. Influence. Access to victims. Easy pickings. Notice how some of those positions can make great money and some have a profound influence over our culture. Some of these job titles command automatic respect and admiration. Many people can be fearful of questioning the integrity of a journalist, civil servant, or police officer.

But also note that people in these positions can hide behind their job titles and therefore appear as someone they’re not. Priests are expected to be sacrificial and saintly, are they not? Their office in the church allows them to reach many people and do countless good deeds for the sake of Christ. It’s the perfect cover. What a great deal for a dark soul.

The same can be true of police officers. Becoming a cop makes you an automatic hero to some because you’re risking your life for public safety. Many cops are involved in charitable activities and known for their outreach to the community. Some of the same cops might abuse their spouses or sleep with underage girls and boys. Accuse them of wrongdoing, though, and there are those who are quick to hide behind their badges.

How many of us have dated this guy?

Do you see what I’m driving at? Sociopaths frequently place themselves in jobs where they have so much power, such strong union protection, or are so difficult to fire that it’s very hard to successfully prosecute them. They can gravitate towards professions that receive automatic respect. The very job, title, or circumstances that make them seem so admirable can also be the job, title, or circumstances that provide the ideal camouflage for their deviant behaviors. We can and should be willing to look beyond someone’s veneer to find out what they’re really about.

We don’t need to be running about paranoid or quick to label others as sociopaths. But what I want you to take away from this article is that a sociopath might not look or act like what you think they do. We want sociopaths to be obvious and openly devious, but we need to be more in tune with good and evil than that. Christians need to be sensitive to promptings from the Holy Spirit even when they don’t, at the time, seem logical.

Again and again on this blog I hammer on the verse from the Manufacturer’s Handbook that Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. I want readers to be TIRED of me saying that. The best sociopaths can be the ones who have you feeling guilty for questioning their motives or behavior at all. They’re the ones people in their circles rush to defend or are afraid to take on. Their crimes might even be blatant but they know that others are unlikely to stop them because of their position of authority, the cost of an investigation, or others’ fear.

The bottom line is that we need to stop stereotyping, stop assuming, stop blindly defending those “great guys,” stop protecting people just because we live with them, work with them, or pay the huge bills they send us, and start acknowledging that well-disguised evil can be very close to us.

There is no island of evil and continent of good. There is evil at our elbows and unless we are willing to call it out for what it is, we are enabling it, lazily letting it thrive and breed.

The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can’t count on them to be obvious. They forget to wax their mustaches and goatees, leave their horns at home, send their black hats to the dry cleaners. They’re funny like that. -Jim Butcher

Drat! Foiled again!

Victim Impact Statements: A Piece of Justice

2014-02-05T09:28:00.001-05:00

by Donna R. Gore, M.A.

Crime: The Domino Effect

The domino effect causes a sequence of reactions where a reactive product or by-product causes additional reactions to take place. It typically refers to a linked sequence of events where the time between successive events is relatively small.

And so it goes… when crime occurs… the dominoes fall…

The Victim Impact Statement
One of the remaining avenues for crime victims to have a voice within the courts is through victim impact statements. Victim impact statements are usually read after trial as a way to get into the record the impact of the crime on the victims along with their friends and families.

Creating the appropriate victim impact statement can be a daunting task for families during one of the most traumatic times in their lives. After the initial loss, the journey through the judicial system can be equally frustrating, time-consuming and emotionally draining, re-traumatizing and bringing grief back to the surface. To best utilize the victims’ right to present a victim impact statement at trial, you must be clear-headed and as objective as possible, which for the crime victim is next to impossible.

Explaining the Overall Impact -
You want to convey the journey and the overall toll it has taken from many perspectives-emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, your outlook on life currently and projecting into the future, your wishes regarding the disposition of the perpetrator, and changes to the system which negatively impacted and/or re-victimized you or alternately, your satisfaction with how you were treated.

Familiarizing the deciding body with the victim… beyond victimization … It is imperative that you provide a complete portrayal of your loved one both visually and narratively, as this may be your sole opportunity for several years (several years up until the point of your initial court or parole appearance or several years until you obtain another opportunity!) Talk about who your loved one was beyond the crime…. Their assets, talents, what they contributed to the family and to others and their aspirations for the future that were taken away…

Expressing Fear for Your Personal Safety- This is one of your Constitutional rights…(Currently in 33 states and under the Federal Statute - Crime Victim’s Right’s Act enacted in October 2004: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/rights/legislation.html-***The right to be reasonably protected.

Seeking Restitution- Restitution is payment by the offender to the victim to cover some or all of the costs associated with a crime. It is ordered by a judge and usually paid through the Court Support Services Division, or other entity within your state…To request restitution in a criminal court case, contact the State’s Attorney Office or the OVS victim services advocate, located in the court where the criminal case will be prosecuted.

Social Security Administration
Victims or their family members may be eligible for survivor benefits, Medicare, and other social security benefits. For more information, please call the Social Security Administration (SSA) toll-free at 800-772-1213, TTD: 800-325-0778, or visit the Social Security Administration website.

Workers’ Compensation Commission
Available to employees through their employers, workers’ compensation provides wage replacement benefits and medical treatment for injuries that occurred in the workplace or on company property. For more information, call the Workers’ Compensation Commission (WCC) toll-free, in Connecticut only, 800-223-9675 or visit the Worker's Compensation Commission website.

“Revenge” -Emotional Release Whether you call it “revenge” or “emotional release” or “venting,” there is some latitude given here…as opposed to the criminal court process in which a poker face must be maintained with no emotion allowed whatsoever or you will be banished from the court… It is normal to have emotion and to show your sorrow and anger….

Adding Information to the Criminal Proceeding - Parole/Pardons Board You may have relevant information pertaining to the defendant for the court or parole/pardons board which can influence the ultimate length or provisions of sentencing. It is important that this information be shared and part of the record. [Ladyjustice- As per Atty. M. Cruz, crime victims are not given the opportunity to provide a victim impact statement during civil trials because the attorney represents the interests of the victim directly in civil proceedings (and could argue for damages on their behalf )… WHEREAS in a criminal trial, prosecutors represent the interests of the State and not the victims directly].

Altering Sentencing Your information could be the determining factor in whether the defendant stays in prison or not. Ladyjustice attended a parole hearing several years ago on behalf of a victim’s family in New Haven, in which following the presentation of the parent’s victim impact statements, the perpetrator was given an additional 10 year sentence!! This also occurred with a friend’s case whose brother was murdered California! You may think that the outcome is always pre-determined… BUT there are those instances in which you CAN effect significant change…

Educating Judicial Officials Regarding Victim’s Constitutional Rights: It is more the exception than the rule that the victim’s rights are known, acknowledged and enforced in whichever arena …. You have to be your own advocate and educate others, obtain an attorney who has expertise in crime victim rights. Even when you “have your ducks in arrow” you probably will have to fight for those rights as you encounter resistance. NEVER ASSUME THEY KNOW AND WILL ENFORCE! …. This writer’s experience is a prime example… http://donnagore.com/2013/04/29/justice-and-accountability/

A Forum to Express Forgiveness (In a small percentage of cases) Whether we collectively or individually agree, regardless of the heinous acts of violence resulting in maiming or taking of a life(s), there are those victims who have the capacity to forgive …even murderers because of their strong religious beliefs… [LJ- I say you may have a straight shot to heaven for this more than generous act. Ladyjustice prides herself on being a good person to all those who are deserving…. BUT, she is not THAT generous!]

Related Issues:

In the Intervening Years…..Hypothetically, a perpetrator is sentenced to 25 to 50 years…. Are they actually going to serve all of that time? The answer is “No.” In very general terms, it’s usually the mandatory minimum …perhaps 80% of the sentence in combination with other factors such as” earned good time,” depending on the state and whether determinant sentencing or indeterminate sentencing was ”the yardstick” at the time; whether there were mistakes made in the prosecution and potential issues for appeal and the fact that now…. the rules have changed…. So… law enforcement should never make promises to families about the perp “never getting out.”

What should the family do to prepare in those intervening years? What they should do and what they are able to do are two different matters….

Large proportions of victims put “it“ away in the corner of their minds and don’t want to think about it until and unless they have to... Those of us who are in "the business" of victim advocacy are different, as we have a different personal investment and reasons for staying involved. Those victims who chose not to stay engaged and seemingly “move on with their lives” until the boom drops…they get the call or letter and the dominoes begin to fall ….

A likely scenario is that they suddenly panic…or are steadfast in their anger and resentment…. "Why should I change anything in my life when he is the criminal, not me?"

This is a normal “self preservation type reaction…. They are fearful and angry of the impact for which they have no control They feel that they are not responsible to do anything…for they never asked for this to occur… Thisisalltrue… However, it is cliché… But ..life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. In fact, “someone “must deal with it….

Therefore, a few suggestions:
If you cannot or chose not to be involved with what will occur in the intervening years, you must not live “in a dream world” thinking it’s over for good ….. In fact, that chapter may be over… You must:
Accept the possibility that you may have won the battle, but not the war….
Be vigilant…. You do not have to immerse yourself in crime victim issued daily…. But you must have a working knowledge of the process, your case and the potential for it to “rise up out of the ashes” again
Hire an attorney who is skilled regarding crime victim issues or seek out pro bono legal

Services in your state: http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/probono/directory.html http://www.probono.net/about/

Should I or Should I Not Attend a Sentencing or Hearing?

According to Michelle S. Cruz, Attorney and Crime Victim Advocate, time has not been a true friend to victims when it comes to misinformation by prosecutors and other judicial persons providing advice. Even in November 2013, their attitude is cavalier on this matter, frequently telling victims,(regardless of the type of case,) ”Oh, you don’t have to bother…It’s no big deal…)

How many times have we heard that one and then…. It turned out to be a significant event. Whether for expediency or laziness, victims need to decide if they should be there as part of their rights…and never be told “It’s not as big deal.” Information is power…. Your option is always to have your assigned victim advocate or your private attorney appear on your behalf and report directly what transpired.

How Did It All Begin?

We could not conclude this discussion on crime and victim impact statements without paying homage to the person credited with giving the first official victim impact statement….

Doris Gwendolyn Tate (January 16, 1924 – July 10, 1992) was an advocate for the rights of crime victims. following the murder of her daughter, actress Sharon Tate. She worked to raise public awareness about the United States corrections system and was influential in the amendment of California laws relating to the victims of violent crime.

Doris was born in Houston Texas, and mother of three daughters. In 1969, Sharon, was at the beginning of a film career, and married to film director Roman Polanski Eight months pregnant with their first child, Tate and four others were murdered at the Polanski’s' rented Beverly Hills home in a case that was sensationalized throughout the world.

The killers were eventually identified as Charles “Tex “Watson, Susan Atkins and Patricia Krenwinkel, acting on behalf of the leader of their group, Charles Manson.

All four were found guilty of the murders and sentenced to death, along with Lesley Van Houten, who had not participated in the murder of the Tate victims, but had participated in the murder of a Los Angeles couple the following night.

The death sentences were overturned before they could be applied. when the State of California temporarily abolished the death penalty.

For more than a decade after the murders, Doris Tate battled depression and unable to discuss her daughter's death.

The Turning Point: In 1982, Doris was told that Leslie Van Houten had obtained 900 signatures supporting her quest to achieve parole. Tate mounted a public campaign against Van Houten, winning the support of the National Enquirer, which printed coupons for people to sign and send to Doris With more than 350,000 signatures, Tate demonstrated that a considerable number of people opposed Van Houten's parole, which was denied.

She later became an active member of the Victim Offender Reconciliation and Justice for Homicide Victims groups. She founded COVER, the Coalition on Victim's Equal Rights, and served on the California State Advisory Committee on Correctional Services as a victims' representative.

She was part of a group that worked toward the passage of Proposition 8, the Victim's Rights Bill, which was passed in 1982. It allowed the presentation of victim impact statements during the sentencing of violent attackers.

Tate became the first Californian to make such a statement after the law was passed, when she spoke at the parole hearing of one of her daughter's killers.

In 1984 she ran for the California State Assembly as an advocate for victim's rights. Though unsuccessful,, she continued to campaign for changes to existing laws, and was involved in the passage of Proposition 89, which allowed the governor of the state to overturn decisions made by the Board of Prison Terms.

Tate's assessment of Manson, Watson, Atkins, Krenwinkel and Van Houten concluded that their crimes were so vicious as to warrant execution. While addressing Charles Watson at his 1984 parole hearing, she said,

"What mercy, sir, did you show my daughter when she was begging for her life? What mercy did you show my daughter when she said, “Give me two weeks to have my baby and then you can kill me?

When will Sharon come up for parole? Will these seven victims and possibly more walk out of their graves if you get paroled? You cannot be trusted”. She confronted Watson again at his 1990 parole hearing.

The Doris Tate Crime Victim’s Bureau

http://www.ican-foundation.org/about/

http://tatefoundation.com/?q=doris_tate

http://www.sharontate.net/bio4.html

How Far We’ve Come:

Judges and juries care about what you have been through. It hasn’t always been that way.

Victim advocate Jo Kolanda describes a sentencing hearing she attended in the 1970’s:

“I went to court for the sentencing of a defendant who had been convicted of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle. With me were the mom and dad of the young woman he killed.

The offender’s parents, friends, and pastor told the court what a wonderful guy he was. The victim’s parents asked the assistant district attorney to ask the judge if they could tell the court about their daughter. The judge said they could not because . “It would be inflammatory.” Then he added that….. “He couldn’t understand why this simple traffic case was cluttering up his court calendar in the first place.”
[Reference: Janice Harris Lord, ACSW-LMSW/LPC For Mothers Against Drunk Driving Copyright © 2003 Mothers Against Drunk Driving, James Rowland, founder of the Victim Impact Statement; Anne Seymour of Justice Solutions in Washington, D.C et.al]

Other References
http://www.sccvc.org/sccvc/documents/Your_Victim_Impact_Statement.pdf
http://ovc.ncjrs.gov/ncvrw2013/pdf/Landmarks.pdf
http://www.jud.ct.gov/Publications/vs010.pdf

Dylan Farrow Speaks Out about Sexual Abuse

2014-02-04T08:27:00.000-05:00

by Barry Goldstein

The original ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study led by Dr. Vincent Felitti included interviews with over 17,000 middle age and middle class patients of Kaiser Permanente. In a confidential survey 22% of the patients said they had been sexually abused as children. They had no reason or benefit for lying and it is likely some denied sexual abuse out of embarrassment or a variety of defense mechanisms. In other words this is certainly a conservative figure for the percentage of children sexually abused in the United States.

And yet most discussions about child sexual abuse are distorted by the issue of false allegations. There is a substantial group of people lying about child sexual abuse allegations. It is the people who have a financial or personal interest in supporting the myth that women and children often lie about sexual abuse. This group includes the priests and church officials who fought so long and hard to conceal the Catholic Church scandal; Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State administrators who protected him; Richard Gardner who concocted Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) to earn obscene amounts of money and protect pedophiles; the cottage industry of evaluators and lawyers who make their money supporting abusers; “fathers’ rights” organizations that are more concerned with the power and control of abusers than the health and safety of children; judges and court administrators who don’t want to admit how often they have failed to protect children and numerous other perpetrators. And as a letter from Dylan Farrow tells us, it includes Woody Allen. These scoundrels are comfortable accusing others of lying because they have been lying about the frequency of false allegations.

On this planet, we only get one chance at life. One chance at a happy, healthy and productive life. In this country we now know for sure that at least one-quarter of our children must live their only life as victims of child sexual abuse. They not only suffer the unspeakable violation, but the never ending aftermath. As a result of the actions of a predator that we failed to protect them from, the children will suffer more illnesses and injuries throughout their only lives. They will suffer far more physical and emotional pain throughout their one life. They are likely to use a variety of defense and coping mechanisms many of which will bring them still more harm. And their one life is likely to be shorter.

The Saunders’ study found the evaluators; judges and lawyers tend to pay far more attention to mothers’ anger and emotion all out of proportion to what it tells us about their parenting. The mothers see the pain and suffering their children are being put through by abusive fathers and the widespread failure of the courts to protect children. The mothers had been taught since grade school that our courts would protect victims and certainly children. How can they not be angry and emotional? This is their child’s one chance at life. What nerve to tell mothers and children to get over it, cooperate with the abuser, the child needs their (abusive) father, and we don’t believe you, and DON’T DARE BE ANGRY AND EMOTIONAL.

Perhaps the courts need to look in the mirror. They might be able to see that under current practices although mothers make deliberately false allegations of child sexual abuse less than 2% of the time, in 85% of these cases the alleged and really likely sexual abuser is given custody. And there goes the child for years of unspeakable abuse and with it goes the child’s last chance for a happy life. The statistics from court cases and from the ACE study confirm the courts are getting a high percentage of cases wrong and erring on the side of destroying children’s lives. AND YET COURT OFFICIALS SINCERELY BELIEVE THE SYSTEM IS WORKING.

Dylan Farrow Letter

Dylan Farrow is a brave young woman who recently released a letter describing the sexual assault against her by her adoptive father, Woody Allen. Her letter was published on a blog by New York Times columnist, Nicholas Kristof. This was a major news story and controversy when Dylan was seven-years-old and first revealed her father’s abuse. Shortly thereafter, he revealed a romantic relationship with a 19-year-old girl who was essentially his stepdaughter. They later married.

In her letter, Ms. Farrow described how Allen had engaged in many acts that we would understand as grooming a victim. Dylan tried to hide but he usually found her. She described some of the details of his sexual assault on her that led to her complaint. This resulted in a medical investigation, criminal investigation and custody dispute in which Allen used the common abuser tactic of seeking custody to punish the mother (actress Mia Farrow) and regain control.

The medical investigation at a hospital in Connecticut came to the conclusion that there was no sexual abuse. It is important to consider context in this case and understand that at that time, like today, many professionals do not have the expertise they need to investigate child sexual abuse claims and many professionals believe the myth that women and children frequently make false allegations. Allen sought to promote this myth by immediately claiming that Mia Farrow was pressuring Dylan to lie because of the problems in the relationship between Allen and Farrow. In her letter, Dylan revealed that the enormous pressure created by Allen caused her mother to ask if the allegations were true and told her it would be ok if she needed to recant.

The prosecutor decided not to bring criminal charges based on concerns about how serving as a witness would impact the child. At the press conference announcing the case was being dropped the prosecutor clearly stated that he believed the child. He was severely criticized for this statement and charged with an ethics violation, but it seems ethical for the prosecutor to support the victim and make the point that the lack of prosecution does not mean the allegations are false.

The custody case resulted in a rare successful outcome. Mia Farrow won custody of the three children and Woody Allen was denied any contact. This is an extremely rare outcome in custody cases as there was and still is a strong bias to include fathers in children’s lives. As mentioned before, custody courts rarely believe even true allegations of sexual abuse. Accordingly, the outcome suggests the evidence against Allen was incredibly strong.

Dylan described some of the consequences to her from Allen’s abuse. She said that she cut herself, suffered eating disorders and emotional problems. All of these issues are consistent with being a sexual abuse victim and support the validity of her complaint.

Misunderstanding of Innocent Until Proven Guilty

In her letter, Dylan Farrow discusses that the ambiguity of the outcome led many people to a view of “who can say what happened” and then continue as if nothing was wrong. This is a common problem, particularly in the case of celebrities. There is good reason to believe Kobe Bryant raped the woman, who complained about him, but after typically aggressive legal and public relations tactics, the charges were dropped and a settlement arranged. He has gone back to his old life and is generally treated as if no rape ever occurred.

The public has a fundamental misconception about the meaning of “innocent until proven guilty” that works against victims. This is a basic constitutional right that I fully support. We believe it is important that no one be convicted of a crime and imprisoned if they are innocent. Accordingly we have a standard that the crime must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. We are willing to accept the fact that many dangerous criminals will walk free because of the importance of protecting innocent defendants up against the immense power of the government. Even with the protections we see cases in which a defendant’s innocence is demonstrated after many years in jail.

Innocent until proven guilty is an important principle, but it applies only to the government. If there were rumors that a neighbor had molested children, no responsible parent would allow their children to play in the neighbor’s home. The rumors might be completely unfair and untrue, but the potential risk to children is so catastrophic that it would be neglectful for any parent to expose their children to the danger. No reasonable parent would say that the neighbor is innocent until proven guilty so I have to let my children play in his home. The admonition does not apply to the general public, but only to the government.

In the case of Dylan Farrow and Woody Allen, the information went far beyond the rumor stage. We have a credible victim and know that in the context of custody disputes, which applies to this case, less than two percent of sexual abuse allegations are deliberately false. Allen has claimed that the complaint was in retaliation for his romantic relationship with Soon Yi Previn. She is the adoptive daughter of Mia Farrow who at the time shared three children with Woody Allen. In other words she was the equivalent of his stepdaughter. At the very least this relationship raises issues about Allen’s sense of boundaries.

There is no proof that the allegations were false. An investigation at a Connecticut hospital found the allegations to be wrong. The prosecutor, while declining to prosecute said there was probable cause to support the complaint. Perhaps most revealing is that the custody decision gave Mia Farrow custody and denied contact for Woody Allen. Many in the public may not realize how significant this decision is. The custody courts have a huge bias favoring keeping even the most abusive fathers in children’s lives. In cases involving sexual abuse allegations, 85% result in custody to the alleged abuser. The Saunders’ study from the U.S. Department of Justice found that courts do not limit alleged abusers to supervised visitation as often as they should. So for the custody court to deny the father a relationship with his children demonstrates there was strong evidence that the allegations are true. It is important to understand that if the evidence made it 90% likely Allen molested Dylan; this would justify the custody court decision but would also justify the decision not to prosecute criminally.

Much of the public and indeed many professionals do not realize how difficult it is to prove child sexual abuse. Many types of sexual assault do not leave physical or DNA evidence and in other cases the physical proof may be gone by the time the child reveals the assault. Nevertheless, many people expect physical proof or DNA evidence and this alone can create a reasonable doubt in some minds. As the letter from Dylan reminds us, sexual assault is an extremely painful and embarrassing experience. We would not expect an adult rape victim to speak about the worst event in her life without developing a trusting relationship with her therapist and yet many professionals expect children to reveal all the details after very minimal discussion designed to create trust between the child and investigator. In this case it appears that the reluctance of Dylan to speak openly with strangers was used by Allen to try to discredit her complaint.

Children often do not fully understand the significance of what the offender did to them. They may worry that they are at fault and might be punished. Accordingly, it is normal for them to first reveal to the person they most trust and to tell only part of the story in order to gauge the reaction. In this like many other cases the child tells her mother, but when the mother has a dispute with the alleged perpetrator, her involvement is viewed as suspicious. When more information comes out later, this is treated as undermining credibility by those unaware it is a normal response by children.

The underlying problem in this and so many other child sexual abuse cases is that society’s response is terrible. It is not easy to create an atmosphere and response system that allows one-quarter of our children to become victims of sexual assault. The press has to fail to cover scandals as they did with the Catholic Church and Penn State until long after it should have been obvious, and as they continue to do with the custody courts. We maintain the myth that women and children often make false allegations of abuse. As the Saunders’ study demonstrated, this myth results in inadequately trained professionals routinely disbelieving true allegations. The failure to prosecute or even make child protective complaints against abusers encourages their sense of entitlement and permits them to find still more victims as Jerry Sandusky did.

It is the harmful atmosphere, belief in the myth and misunderstanding of innocent until proven guilty that encouraged the public to move on with their lives, give Woody Allen a pass and let him continue to live a life filled with fame and honor. But there is an unacceptable price for giving Allen a pass. In doing so we hurt Dylan and the people who love her. Dylan’s letter demonstrates the pain caused by a Hollywood community that continues to honor Allen for his work seemingly without concern for his treatment of his daughter.

Alec Baldwin, who is specifically mentioned in Dylan’s letter, responded by saying the issue is none of his business. This is unsurprising from someone who has promoted a pro-pedophile theory that seeks to prevent accountability for abusers while destroying the one chance thousands of children had for a good life.

Our belief in innocent until proven guilty must not prevent the public from providing support for victims like Dylan. We have every right to shun Allen for what he did and what we believe he did. I used to enjoy Woody Allen’s movies, but I haven’t seen any since I heard the complaint. When I think of Dylan lying on her stomach in the attic, nothing Allen can produce will ever be funny. The public response obviously matters to Dylan, and that is enough for me, but it really has a far greater importance. Allen’s continued acceptance sends a terrible message to abusers that they can expect to get away with the most horrific behavior.

The message to children is even worse. Your one chance at a good life doesn’t matter. Don’t dare challenge someone wealthy and powerful. Men have the power to use and abuse children’s bodies. So be quiet and don’t dare to complain. If you think this is not the message consider that one of Sandusky’s victims explained why he didn’t come forward sooner. He didn’t think anyone would believe him.

We must believe our children. They lie about other issues but not sexual abuse. We cannot continue to take one quarter of our children, permit miscreants to sexually assault them and deprive them of their one chance for a happy life on this planet. It is a painful and difficult subject, but we cannot continue to hide our eyes and our hearts. We must believe Dylan. Thank you Dylan, for being the voice for so many children who have been silenced and abandoned.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co- authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and was released in April of 2013. Barry can be reached by email from their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

For more information about the new book, including access to the first approximately 50 pages or to purchase the book go to the publisher’s web site at http://civicresearchinstitute.com/rdv.html Elizabeth Liu and I have convinced our publisher to make available the last section of our chapter about GALs that lists and explains the best practices for GALs in domestic violence cases. You can now download and print this information and share it with your GAL. Everyone is welcome to share this information. I also hope you will check out my new Face book page, Barry Goldsteins Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor. Barry’s web site, www.Barrygoldstein.net is back up and running with new material.

So Who REALLY goes missing?

2014-01-16T08:57:00.000-05:00

by Cynthia Caron

Alzheimer's: This disease touches many lives. Those with cognitive disorders are at risk of becoming a missing person due to confusion and becoming lost or wandering. Many of those who have gone missing have families that depend on us to help locate their missing loved one.

Developmentally Challenged
Those who are developmentally challenged are very much at risk and we work with many families whose missing loved ones disappear who are developmentally challenged. There is a higher rate among those who are young adolescents due to their vulnerabilities. They are always considered endangered and may qualify for a "Silver Alert", depending upon the laws set forth in their state.

Autism

With the increasing amount of loved ones diagnosed with autism each year, an increase also occurs with those who suffer with autism who go missing. We've noticed that many of those who have autism, and go missing, are usually children or teens. Depending on the level of their cognitive awareness determines the probability of where we may need to focus in locating them. Those who are higher functioning may be "wandering" the streets and find themselves in situations in which they are at risk of becoming harmed and/or taken advantage by others. Some are manipulated and persuaded to leave the comforts of their homes with false promises of "love" in which they are invariably "preyed upon" and are at high risks of danger.

Those who are at a lower level of cognitive awareness may wander from their family and are highly drawn towards water. Studies are ongoing as to why and unfortunately many that become missing for more than 48 hours are commonly located passed away in a death by water. (Lakes, streams, ponds, pools, etc.)

Special and Medical Needs

From Diabetes, epilepsy to traumatic brain injury, (Stroke or brain damage) those who have possess any of these condition "types" are also at risk of becoming a missing person due to a medical incident/accident to confusion from cognitive awareness.

Emotional Disorders

Commonly known previously as "mental illness." A large number of families of missing come to us whose loved ones have battled emotional disorders and have disappeared. Families are already very exhausted, stressed and many have spent years helping their loved family members by advocating for them and assisting them through their low emotional states. Emotional disorders is a very difficult "find" for a missing loved one because many have the intelligence capabilities that can keep them missing for a very long time.

While they may not be plagued with a lower intelligence level, they are in fact at-risk due to their emotional disorders, which in many cases can have disastrous outcomes including self-harm and suicide. Those who are at higher risk of becoming a missing person are loved ones who have chosen to go off their medication(s).

Some of the most common diagnosed loved ones who go missing are those who suffer with depression, Bi-polar disorder or Schizophrenia. Many times they are young adolescents who are in the process of receiving a diagnosis but disappear prior to it being confirmed. (This is very common in those between the ages of 18-24 and are college students.)

Accidents

Missing loved ones become missing due to numerous "accidental situations" such as off road vehicle accidents, those lost in mountains while hiking or even "freak" accidents and can become a missing statistic due to not being able to locate or find them timely. A large majority located deceased are also known to have gone missing from a public gathering in which alcohol was served.

One does not have to be intoxicated or legally drunk to suffer an accident which can be fatal. Far too often we assist families of young college age students (primarily young men) who leave a public gathering, pub or nightclub (under the influence and not legally intoxicated) only to be located deceased with a death by water. (Same common to those with cognitive disorders, above.)

LostNMissing established the campaign, and website, "Friends Don't Leave Friends Alone" [2] as the same young deaths we believe could have been avoided had the person left with someone else and did not stray off alone from their friends.

Divorce/Separation/Break-Up
It is very unfortunate but it is known that many women, and men, who go missing and are in the process of a separation from their spouses, or boyfriend/girlfriends, may disappear and a very high rate is due to foul play and by the hands of those they were leaving. This is a very complicated missing person case as families are enduring not only the pain of their loved one missing but also in states of confusion as to why law enforcement processes seem so complicated.

Families find there are many barriers, due to the legal system and laws, that stand in the way of finding their missing and loved family member. In nearly all cases the family already is aware that their missing will not be located safely and this adds to the stress and trauma. Detectives and investigators must adhere to the law of "just cause" in order to find needed answers. This frustrates law enforcement, as well. While many may want to do full "homicide investigative procedures", if there is not "just cause" to enable them...their "hands are tied." (Example: Luminol spraying a home, arresting a potential suspect and "making them talk" are just two examples of many tactics families expect, but is halted due to laws that protect those who are suspect.) Because a case may turn to a homicide investigation, or may be classified as missing with foul play, organizations are limited in what information is presented to them (and sometimes to the family, as well) to enable finding the missing loved one.

Law enforcement will always take the lead and organizations assist by making pleas to the public for awareness of the missing person. At LostNMissing we will focus on looking for a "living missing loved one" and respect that law enforcement is looking for a deceased missing person. By doing this we are making sure the family of the missing receive both aspects of a missing persons' case. When presenting a missing loved one as possibly being "alive and out there" invariably is also assisting law enforcement because the awareness campaign of seeking the missing loved one may bring tips/leads that can help make a break in the case.

We also know, and have experienced, many cases in which all indicators show the missing may have been a victim of foul play (with homicide investigating) and the missing person is invariably located safely. Unless solid evidence (such as an obvious crime scene) exists, we always go with the hopes that the missing can be found alive and well.

Human Trafficking

Missing loved ones can become victims of human trafficking and quite a majority that are trafficked is for sex purposes. According to the FBI website, they explain, "It's sad but true: here in this country, people are being bought, sold, and smuggled like modern-day slaves.They are trapped in lives of misery-often beaten, starved, and forced to work as prostitutes or to take grueling jobs as migrant, domestic, restaurant, or factory workers with little or no pay.

We're working hard to stop human trafficking-not only because of the personal and psychological toll it takes on society, but also because it facilitates the illegal movement of immigrants across borders and provides a ready source of income for organized crime groups and even terrorists." [2] While primarily those missing are young women, young men are known to have been trafficked as well.

Drugs of Abuse
When a loved one is under the influence of drugs and/or associates with those who buy, sell or take drugs...this puts them at risk of danger in which they can possibly become a missing person. We've had cases in which those have been located safely and living a life "off the streets" in a drug dazed world and we've had missing loved ones who were located deceased a victim of drug activities, suicide under the influence (or through withdrawal) or due to an overdose.

Of One's Own Choice with cognitive awareness and decision making

Surprisingly, this is one of the lowest common causes of an adult person's disappearance. Highest among minors. Yet, adults receive very little media and public awareness.

Unfortunately the "general public" has the misconception that this is the "number one reason" someone is missing, especially as it pertains to adult males.

We certainly do need to have this category, and fact is...we wish this was the reason most loved ones go missing as the alternative reasons are not usually with a good ending. 85% of our missing adult cases end each year with the missing adult either located deceased or known to be deceased and no body recovered.

Those missing, of their own free will, are due to their own choice to leave their present life. Again, a very low percentage of adults, high for teens. (ex: runaways.) These decisions are made with cognitive awareness, are usually planned and usually are the easiest cases to locate the missing person as they leave more "trails" for investigations to track their whereabouts. Some of the more common reasons are: To start over a new life, to escape and hide from law enforcement, to experience life outside the rules of a parent/guardian (commonly known as "runaway"), to escape an abusive person by going into hiding or to "live off the land" away from everyone, to start a new life with another person, or due to joining a cult.

Abduction/Kidnapping While rare, abduction is a possible cause for a missing loved one (both adults and children) to have disappeared. Parental abduction is the leading cause of missing children in this particular category along with abduction for trafficking purposes. Lower on the rate of statistics is the kidnapping for the purposes of rape and/or murder. It is also extremely rare that one is kidnapped for the purpose to extort money in exchange for their safe return. According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, the major causes for missing children are:

The most recent, comprehensive national study for the number of missing children estimated in 1999: [3]
Approximately 800,000 children younger than 18 were reported missing.
More than 200,000 children were abducted by family members.
More than 58,000 children were abducted by nonfamily members.
An estimated 115 children were the victims of "stereotypical" kidnapping. These "stereotypical" kidnappings involved someone the child did not know or was an acquaintance. The child was held overnight, transported 50 miles or more, killed, ransomed or held with the intent to keep the child permanently.

Over 2,000 go missing in the United States EVERY day in the USA.
No person, no family is exempt from the trauma of having a loved one disappear. Every person, and every family, from all walks of life can have this happen at any time....and feel lost, confused, worried, fearful and will turn to us for help. We are here for those families and hope this public awareness campaign provides more clarity as to the plight families of missing have and the need for the public to assist whenever someone goes missing in their community.

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.

NamUs-Victim Advocate (NH)

Office: 603.965.4621
24-hr Cell: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

LostNMissing Inc., is an all-volunteer national tax-exempt organization under section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code (the "code") and qualifies as a public supported organization under Sections, or Categories: P99 (Human Services - Multipurpose and Other N.E.C.); M99 (Other Public Safety, Disaster Preparedness, and Relief N.E.C.); I01 (Alliance/Advocacy Organizations). LostNMissing is organized and incorporated under the laws of the State of New Hampshire. We never charge a fee for our services.

Lies of the Fathers (Rights Groups)

2013-12-26T20:23:00.002-05:00

by Barry Goldstein

The United States Department of Justice offered some good news to long suffering protective mothers and their children when it announced grants to courts in Illinois, Delaware, Minnesota and Oregon to develop improved practices to protect battered women and their children. Incredibly, the abusers’ lobby objects to any possible reforms to promote children’s safety out of concern the improved practices might undermine the privilege of abusive fathers to maintain strict control over their victims. The National Parents Association, formerly Fathers and Families wrote a distorted article attacking the Office on Violence Against Women and the Battered Mothers Justice Project, which is one of the organizations working to help the courts create effective reforms.

I normally try not to pay much attention to these male supremacist groups because I witness enough traumas without listening to their attempted justifications and they tend to live in a reality deprived world. My friend Eileen King, the founder and director of Child Justice asked me to write an article to correct the misinformation that permeates the article from the National Parents Association. In reading their article I was reminded of a friendly disagreement I sometimes have with Joan Meier of DVLEAP. I am a strong supporter of the use of current scientific research because the use of good research would inform the courts and create better outcomes for children. Joan often expresses concerns that the abuser groups will use their bogus research to justify continued harm to our children. This is exactly the kind of material relied on in their article. Joan is, of course, right that flawed research can and is used to mislead the courts and they do not always recognize the difference.

While I regularly discuss research that comes from the Department of Justice and Center for Disease Control, the abuser rights groups rely on “research” based only on the personal beliefs and biases of a man who made many public statements to the effect that sex between adults and children can be acceptable. It is hard to imagine that judges could not appreciate the difference if the lawyers present the information effectively. Nevertheless we have seen all too many cases where bogus studies are the ones relied on by the courts.

In deep appreciation of the wonderful work Eileen does, I will go through some of the false claims made in their article and then discuss the more encouraging topic about the impact of the grants to the four court systems.

What about Male Victims?

There are men who are assaulted and seriously mistreated by their female partners. This is a horrendous situation and should not be tolerated, period. There are sincere people working on this issue and it is a worthy cause. Unfortunately many abusive fathers use and exaggerate this issue as a way to nullify and negate the work to end men’s violence against women.

One of the first articles I wrote for this blog demonstrated the falsity of articles and “research” claiming that women abuse men about as often as men abuse women. Some of this propaganda such as those cited by the abuser lobby is produced by professionals who are part of the cottage industry that makes its money helping abusive fathers gain custody from safe, protective mothers. Some of this research is produced by sincere but unqualified researchers who do not understand domestic violence dynamics and fail to consult with genuine experts. These researchers like the court professionals we see in custody cases possess a false sense of competence about domestic violence and so don’t seek the help and expertise they need.

A good example of this came in a workshop I attended at an IVAT conference in Hawaii. Two young female psychologists who had been students of the conference organizer presented their findings based on a grant they had received. They claimed their research proved that abuse by men and women was roughly equal and described their methodology. It turned out they got their information from questionnaires filled out by men they found on web sites. Most of the men came from “fathers’ rights” organizations. This was hardly a neutral or reliable source, but they accepted everything the men said uncritically. At one point they said that the police refused to bring charges against the men’s alleged abusers because of the bias against men who claim to be assaulted. It never occurred to the psychologists that the police did not bring charges after investigating the claims and finding a lack of evidence.

There are many common mistakes unqualified researchers make that lead to the mistaken results. This “research” is often based on phone calls to the general population and reliance on the discredited conflict tactics scales. Results from phone calls to the general public distort the results because it will usually be safe for the men but not the women to reveal assaults. It would also focus on less serious assaults than would be found in a survey from emergency rooms or shelters. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that abusive men are more likely to make false allegations and women routinely minimize the abuse committed by their partners. The researchers’ lack of familiarity with domestic violence dynamics means they are not even aware of the inevitable distortions in their data.

The conflict tactics scales are designed to just count the hits. No distinction is made based on the fact that in general men are bigger and stronger than women, hit harder and cause more serious injuries. The findings by the unqualified researchers are belied by good research that demonstrates women are far more likely to need treatment in the emergency room and are at least three times more likely to be murdered. Research based on murders is particularly reliable because there is a body so no one can claim she is lying about his abuse. Another problem with these methods is that men and women hit their partners for very different reasons. Men usually do this to maintain control while women assault men in self-defense and out of frustration at his abuse. The researchers do not understand and so make no effort to differentiate the pattern of coercive and controlling behavior; most of which does not involve physical abuse. Perhaps the most important difference is that it is common for women to be so afraid that her partner will kill or seriously injure her that she will give in and do whatever he wants just to protect her safety. This is rarely true of men. This is the essence of domestic violence and no accurate analysis is possible without taking this into consideration. These studies also do not include rape which in heterosexual relationships is something overwhelmingly done by men to women.

One of the fundamental problems both with the abuser rights perspective and of the courts is that they want to treat people and groups the same even though they are very different. There is a long history of husbands being entitled and even encouraged to assault their wives, control them and make the decisions for the family. The first law in the United States about what we would now call domestic violence said that husbands may not beat their wives ON SUNDAY. In other words beating her any other time was acceptable. There was never the equivalent expectation or permission for wives to assault their husbands. Although the laws have changed, this history means there are still many men who feel entitled to control their partners and use abusive tactics to do so. An individual woman might repeatedly assault her male partner but it is not based and supported by beliefs that wives are entitled to control their husbands.

My friend, Molly Dragiewicz wrote an important book, Equality with a Vengeance that includes a ton of good research that disproves the frivolous claims coming from abuser groups. The research is clear that men commit most violent crime both in this country and throughout the world. Well over ninety percent of familicides, crimes in which an individual kills the spouse and children are committed by men. As I write this article there have been more than one hundred mass murders in the year since the Newtown tragedy and all but one were committed by males.

The research about batterer narratives helps us understand how abusive men can appear so sincere when they confidently repeat their misinformation. Many will say that it is wrong for a man to assault a woman EXCEPT if she does something he defines as improper or she is a (insert the slur). They then view their attack on her as justified and even self-defense. Again there is nothing remotely similar for women.

Mothers Make False Claims

The “fathers’ rights” movement and cottage industry that supports abusive fathers are permeated with the belief that most abuse allegations made by mothers are false. This is really based on ideology and assumption because there is no valid research to support it. PAS is based on this assumption. Significantly, the Saunders’ study (from the U.S. Department of Justice) found that professionals with inadequate training tended to believe the myth that women frequently make false allegations and unscientific alienation theories. So when their propagandists encourage courts to disbelieve mothers’ complaints they are demonstrated their lack of training and qualifications.

Nicholas Bala led one of the leading studies about false allegations in the context of custody and in fact it was a study that looked at many other studies. He found that mothers make deliberately false allegations less than two percent of the time. Any “research” with significantly higher numbers reflects the frequency that true allegations of abuse are disbelieved. Interestingly the Bala study found that fathers involved in contested custody are 16 times more likely than mothers to make deliberately false allegations. The common abuser tactics of claiming alienation and claiming mothers lie about their abuse are examples of these false allegations by abusive fathers. In fairness the Bala study is not saying that all men are this dishonest. The study applies only to contested custody and a large majority of these cases involve abusive fathers who feel entitled to use any tactic including false allegations to regain the control over their partner they believe had no right to leave.

At least 40 states and many districts created court-sponsored gender bias commissions. They found that there is widespread gender bias against women and particular woman litigants. Common examples are that mothers are given less credibility than fathers, are held to a higher standard of proof and blamed for the actions of their abuser. These findings help explain why so many true allegations of abuse are disbelieved by the courts.

Shared Parenting Benefits Children

Shared parenting is another ideological belief of abuser groups that is not supported by valid research and is not beneficial to children. Many of us can remember when shared parenting was either not permitted or strongly discouraged. An initial study based on a small population and short time period found that shared parenting could be beneficial to children under the best of circumstances. This encouraged courts to promote shared parenting as a way to resolve difficult and contentious cases. Abusers have promoted shared parenting as a way for fathers to gain control when they otherwise would have difficulty winning custody because of their abuse and the mother provided most of the children care.

Later research based on a larger population and a longer period of time found that shared parenting is actually harmful to children. Constantly going back and forth is disruptive, having two homes is really having none and needed items are often in the wrong home.

There is legitimate research that shared parenting can benefit children under the best of circumstances. This would include a voluntary desire by both parents to share parenting, an ability of the parents to cooperate and living nearby. There is other good research that found shared parenting is never a good idea for children. Indeed most cases in which shared parenting are initially tried are quickly changed because of the problems it creates. There is no need to reconcile this dispute in the context of contested custody and domestic violence as these cases are not close to the best of circumstances.

Shared parenting laws usually include exceptions for domestic violence, but this does not protect the children when courts have difficulty recognizing true allegations of abuse. The courts are littered with cases in which mothers are pressured to accept shared parenting with their abuser and often severely punished if they object. The Saunders’ study found that abusers use decision making authority to control the mother and hurt the children. They use the exchanges to harass the mothers and although contradictory to try to resume the relationship. If the court is not inclined to limit an abuser to supervised visitation, parallel parenting would work far better for the children. Until the courts create the necessary training and reforms to improve its response to domestic violence consideration of shared parenting is a particularly bad idea that causes enormous mischief.

Children Need Both Parents Equally

This statement is effective in misleading people because it sounds so reasonable and fair. It is really based on an ideological belief in treating individuals the same even when they are very different. This approach is designed to treat the mother and father the same REGARDLESS OF PAST PARENTING. This is not in a child’s best interests. The truth is that children do not need both parents equally. They need their primary attachment figure more than the other parent and the safe parent more than the abusive one. In domestic violence cases courts should stop pressuring the victim to cooperate with the abuser and instead force the abuser to stop the abuse in order to gain time with the children.

The reach and harm of this misleading statement is illustrated by a statement by one of the leading family court judges in the United Kingdom. In a speech to an abuser rights group he said that the worst thing that can happen to children is for the mother to bad mouth the father. We have heard judges in the United States make similar statements. It is hard to imagine that this is meant literally. I would hope the judge realizes that assaulting, killing or sexually abusing a child and many other abusive actions are far more harmful. The ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) studies demonstrate the profound harm to children’s health caused by trauma which is not true about negative statements. Indeed some negative statements are beneficial for children to learn. When children see an abusive father mistreat them or their mother it is important for the mother to tell them that such behavior is not acceptable in our society.

The misuse of the belief that mothers should not make negative statements about the father was taken to the extreme in a notorious case in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. The court found the mother to have engaged in alienating behavior because she encouraged the children to eat healthy foods, dress appropriately for the weather and avoid adult oriented television programs. This was considered alienation because the father encouraged all of these harmful activities. In the world outside of family courts this would just be considered good advice that any parent would be expected to give their children. As a result of widespread gender bias in the courts more serious negative comments by fathers are routinely ignored or minimized.

Mothers Most Often Already Receive Custody

This is a statement we often hear from those supporting abusive fathers. It is literally true, but highly misleading. Over 95% of custody cases are settled more or less amicably. Some involve abusive fathers who love their children enough that they would not deliberately hurt them by separating them from their mothers. Accordingly these cases tend to be settled with the mother giving up economic benefits she and the children deserve in order to retain custody. In the more common cases that do not involve domestic violence the parents work out a truly voluntary arrangement they believe will benefit their children. In this still sexist society, mothers continue to provide most of the child care and loving fathers sacrifice their personal interests for their children to create arrangements where the children live with the mother and spend significant time with the father. This is why mothers receive custody far more than fathers, but it is based on voluntary agreements and not favoritism from the courts.

The problem in the custody court system is the less than 5% of cases that cannot be settled and continue to trial and usually far beyond. Most of these cases involve abusive fathers who seek custody as a tactic to regain control over their victims. These are the most dangerous abusers because they believe the mother has no right to leave them. This is why three-fourths of all women killed by their male partners are killed after they have left. It is why in a recent two year period we found news stories about 175 children murdered by abusive fathers involved in contested custody. More commonly the abusers seek custody as a way to regain control and punish the mothers for leaving. The abusive fathers understand that the best way to hurt a mother is to hurt the children, but the courts routinely just assume the father is seeking custody out of love for the children.

Although contested custody cases overwhelmingly involve true complaints of domestic violence by mothers, most of the time the dangerous abuser receives custody or joint custody. One troubling finding is that abusive fathers are more likely to win custody than safe fathers. The flawed practices, gender bias, and reliance on unqualified professionals, result in 58,000 children being sent for custody or unprotected visitation with dangerous abusers every year. Although mothers rarely make false allegations of abuse, the courts routinely disbelieve or minimize their complaints.

The significance of the Saunders’ study is that it explains why the courts so frequently mishandle domestic violence cases and give control to dangerous abusers. Saunders found that we now have substantial scientific research that courts could use to inform their decisions about domestic violence allegations. Unfortunately judges never developed the practice of looking to this research because it was not available when courts were first creating responses to domestic violence. Saunders specifically found that the standard and required training for evaluators, judges and lawyers does not provide them with the specific information needed to respond effectively to domestic violence cases. This is the worst of all possible situations because the training received does not make these professionals qualified to recognize and respond to domestic violence but gives them a false sense of competence so they refuse to consult with genuine experts.

Saunders recommends that evaluators and other professionals receive training in screening for domestic violence, risk assessment, post-separation violence and the impact of domestic violence on children. Most of the evaluators claimed to have training in these subjects, but when tested with vignettes they demonstrated they did not have the needed understanding. Most of the evaluators claimed they screened for domestic violence by using standard psychological tests that tell them nothing about domestic violence. This means they are not screening for domestic violence and routinely disbelieve true allegations because they don’t know what to look for. This failing undermines the entire court system because lawyers and judges look to psychologists and other mental health professionals for expertise in cases and training. The misinformation they receive in one case poisons many other cases. After hearing the outdated and discredited claims throughout their careers it becomes deeply ingrained so that many judges and lawyers are resistant to accurate information. It sounds so different from what they constantly hear from the “experts.”

Saunders found that evaluators and other professionals without the needed training tend to focus on the myth that mothers frequently make false allegations, unscientific alienation theories and the mistaken assumption that attempts to protect children from dangerous abusers are harmful to the children. These false beliefs lead to outcomes that hurt children.

The problem is compounded by the development of a cottage industry of psychologists and attorneys who make their living promoting approaches biased in favor of abusive fathers. Domestic violence are tactics men use to coerce and control partners. Economic control is a common form of domestic violence and this means that in most contested custody cases (which are really domestic violence cases) the abusive father controls most of the family’s resources. Accordingly the best way to earn a large income is to support practices that help abusers. Unfortunately courts do not tend to be skeptical of these biased professionals and in many cases we see courts appoint “fathers’ rights” attorneys and psychologists for neutral roles such as GAL and evaluator. Good mothers have no chance to win the support of professionals who are part of the cottage industry.

The Saunders’ report found that domestic violence advocates possess exactly the training and expertise needed to help courts on domestic violence cases. They knew more about the specific topics recommended by Saunders than evaluators, judges and lawyers. Nevertheless we repeatedly see courts refuse to listen or minimize the testimony of genuine experts claiming they are biased because “they always oppose domestic violence.” The courts also place great weight on academic degrees that provide no domestic violence training. The cottage industry seeks to undermine domestic violence laws while advocates try to support them. And yet it is the advocates who are treated as if they were biased.

The research suggests that a multi-disciplinary approach works best in domestic violence custody cases. Mental health professionals have expertise in psychology and mental illness. Lawyers and judges are experts in the law. Doctors can be used for medical issues and other experts for substance abuse and sexual abuse. Domestic violence advocates are the experts in domestic violence. The Saunders study demonstrated support for a multi-disciplinary approach by favorably citing many of the chapters in my book co-edited with Dr. Mo Therese Hannah.

The findings about inadequate training, flawed and outdated practices and gender bias are incompatible with any view that the courts are responding properly to domestic violence cases much less the abuser fantasy that mothers are favored. Judges cannot do their job of protecting children while they continue to be burdened by outdated and discredited practices.

Mothers Commit Child Abuse More than Fathers

This is another example of the National Parents Association taking information out of context in order to distort the circumstances. It is true that mothers commit more child abuse and neglect than fathers, but that is because they provide so much more of the child care. If the statistics were adjusted based on the amount of child care provided, it would be clear that fathers are far more dangerous to children. The problem is further compounded by the tendency of child protective agencies to always focus on the mother because moms are easier to find and far more compliant.

Courts Receive Grants to Reform Practices

Those of us who work to protect children from abuse are reminded every day of the enormous pain and ruined lives caused by the failure of the court system to recognize and respond effectively to domestic violence and child abuse allegations. When our book, Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody came out, I wrote an article about the ten ways we knew the custody court system was broken. This was based on the frequency of harmful outcomes, denials of true allegations and deeply flawed practices that undermine the ability of courts to get it right.

It seems obvious that what we need to do is meet with court administrators; present the overwhelming research and work together to create the needed reforms. So far the courts have been resistant, if not hostile to considering the adoption of best practices based on new research that was not available when the courts created the present practices. Each time important new research came out whether it was our book, The Batterer as Parent, the Saunders’ study or the new ACES research; we have hoped that it would create the impetus for courts to discuss the needed reforms.

One problem is that fundamental to our jurisprudence is the doctrine of res judicata which requires that once a decision and finding is made, it can no longer be challenged (aside from appeals) and it is assumed to be right. This is an important and valuable principle because otherwise you would have to constantly relitigate the same issues over and over and just imagine what wealthy abusers could do with that. This is working particularly badly in domestic violence cases both because courts frequently fail to recognize true allegations of abuse and often refuse to look at new evidence of the pattern of abuse in the context of the previous evidence that was rejected. Context is critical to understanding domestic violence, but many of the court practices and abuser strategies prevent courts from understanding the facts in context. I have seen many cases in which the court disbelieved allegations of abuse and forced children not only to live with the abuser but to engage in therapy based on that assumption. When new information comes out demonstrating the initial decision was a mistake the professionals believe they must ignore it and silence the children.

In the next volume of Domestic Violence, Abuse and Child Custody which we hope to submit to the publisher this month, we have a chapter following up on the 175 children murdered by abusive fathers involved in custody disputes. We asked judges and court administrators in the communities where the tragedies occurred what reforms they had created in response in order to safeguard other children. The judges interviewed were the best and most knowledgeable which is why they agreed to be interviewed. Nevertheless the answer was that they created no reforms because they assumed the murder was an exception. Domestic violence experts recognize the problems in the court because we look at the patterns both within a case and over many cases. The courts seem never to look for patterns and thus have not been open to research that proves the present practices routinely place children at risk.

Some of the judges interviewed said that they regularly participated in meetings that included domestic violence advocates and these experts helped with training judges and other professionals. These are good practices that promote a multi-disciplinary approach and would tend to lead to better results. The problem is that these good practices are rare in the court system.

More common is for courts to rely on the same small group of psychologists and other mental health professionals for expertise in domestic violence cases. They are expert in mental illness and psychology but not domestic violence. Hearing from the same often unqualified experts creates an insularity in the custody courts that contributes to their satisfaction with the failed practices. Other courts, government agencies and civilian organizations look to a much wider group of experts with knowledge of current research. This is why other parts of society respond more effectively to domestic violence and are less likely to repeat the myths that are so prevalent in family court.

So the problem is how do we create a dialogue with court leaders and encourage them to be open to considering how the new research impacts old practices that have been shown to hurt children. This is why the grants to courts in four states is such an encouraging sign and why the National Parents Organization was so aggressive and unreasonable in attacking the Justice Department, Battered Women’s Justice Project and the grants to state courts.

The Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) conducted an impressive and lengthy investigation about concerns the custody courts are failing children. Every day I hear stories of children’s lives ruined I wish they could have moved more quickly. But I recognize that by doing a thorough job they could make sure their findings are correct and they will not be vulnerable to the unreasoned attacks from abuser groups and the professionals who make their money off the misery of children.

OVW reviewed much of the newest research including the Saunders’ study. I know that staffers read our book. They created roundtable discussions with leading experts to present current research and experience. Significantly, the experts they listened to are very different from the mental health professionals relied on by the courts who know little about domestic violence. The courts rarely hear from a professional who would be considered one of the nation’s leading experts and indeed in some cases the courts refuse to consider testimony from genuine experts without irrelevant mental health degrees or people they are used to seeing in their courts.

I know something of the process because I had the honor of being selected as one of the experts to participate in the roundtable discussions. My colleagues on the panel are the very best experts in this nation and provided a wealth of information for OVW to study. I believe the quality and quantity of research and information made it easy for OVW to make findings that the present practices in custody courts are failing to protect children. I greatly appreciate my colleagues at the Battered Women’s Justice Project who are knowledgeable and caring. I often turn to them for research for the books I am working on. I am sure they will do a wonderful job in implementing this grant project.

The four states are being asked to create models for responding to domestic violence cases based on current scientific research and the widespread problems caused by the present flawed approaches. It is extremely valuable to include court systems in the process of creating needed reforms. Inevitably the new practices tried in these four states will work far better than what we have now. Coming from state court systems, other courts will be more open to adopting these reforms. Accordingly this is an encouraging development and one we hope will lead all courts to finally make the safety of children the first priority.

I am deeply grateful for the work of the staff at OVW, the National Institute of Justice, the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the Battered Women’s Justice Project and the experts and victims who participated in the discussions that led to this potential breakthrough. They deserve praise and encouragement because work to prevent domestic violence and child abuse must never again be viewed as an attack on fathers. Good men and good fathers want all children to live in a world without trauma. I hope that this project will be an important step in bringing the custody courts into a coalition of people and organizations working together to prevent domestic violence and child abuse. Ending domestic violence is not a biased position---IT’S THE LAW.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co- authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and was released in April of 2013. Barry can be reached by email at Barryg78@aol.com

For more information about the new book, including access to the first approximately 50 pages or to purchase the book go to the publisher’s web site at http://civicresearchinstitute.com/rdv.html Elizabeth Liu and I have convinced our publisher to make available the last section of our chapter about GALs that lists and explains the best practices for GALs in domestic violence cases. You can now download and print this information and share it with your GAL. Everyone is welcome to share this information. I also hope you will check out my new Face book page, Barry Goldsteins Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor. Barry’s web site, www.Barrygoldstein.net is back up and running with new material.

Blaming the Victims

2013-11-05T08:48:00.000-05:00

by Heidi Hiatt

Every time the topics of abuse, dysfunction, and boundary violations come up, I cringe, knowing that the same old sanctimonious rhetoric is about to slither up my neck like a decrepit, toxic snail: “We’ll pray for you. You need let go of your unforgiveness. We hope that the root of bitterness will be dug out.”

In my mind I’m asking, “and do you realize how many people are driven away from the Gospel because of this damning, judgmental legalism instead of towards it?!!” Then mushroom clouds erupt from my ears in a white-hot flash of righteous anger.

While I am by no means a perfect example of my faith, I’m not shy about identifying as a Christian. Why should I be? A God who loves me personally sacrificed His Son so that I could live– and not just live now, but always. Don’t ask me to explain that. The concept blows my mind. But knowing there is a life beyond this, and that love is eternal, and that there is a reason to keep going even in those deep, dark, silent moments– it’s glorious.

While I’m thankful for a strong Christian heritage in some branches of my family tree, my faith has been born largely of adversity, not out of some blind adherence to the ways of my ancestors. One reason I hold tightly to God is because His love transcends the dysfunction of my earthly family, not because His love reflects that family. The Psalmist understood this, saying, “though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).

While godly family members have had a major influence on my faith in Christ, certain overzealous efforts and timeworn legalistic platitudes could have driven me away from the Gospel the same way it’s repelled others who are dear to me. Legalism, simply put, is adding man-made rules on top of God-made rules as if a true believer is supposed to honor the whole shebang. It is a recipe for pain and conflict that has driven millions away from God and even to extremes such as suicide. Trying to please man on top of God can be an impossible task.

Legalism is self-serving and narcissistic. It is a way that men can feel better than other men, a holier than thou set-up which condemns those who don’t bow to the almighty cultural norms of a particular church or sect. One of the most blatant mistakes that overzealous, legalistic people make– and that drives people away from a loving, merciful God– is blaming the victims. What I mean by this is that their default, knee-jerk reaction to any sort of violence, particularly family violence, is to immediately make the victim feel responsible for what someone did to them.

I have experienced this to varying degrees my whole life and grieve at just how much damage it has done in my circles. It fractures families. Christians who do this are painting a false image of God, making Him appear to be an unapproachable, sadistic comandante who’s waiting to strike you with a bolt of lightning. To be told, when you’ve been mistreated, abused, or violated, that “it’s your fault” can be the least godly and most damaging thing that could possibly be said. But it’s also the easiest thing for them to say, because it avoids facing the real issues and addressing evil for what it is.

Ironically, “blame the victim” types often don’t know the victim’s whole story or enough of their circumstances to make a proper assessment of the life, but assume that they know enough to judge that person. Because of their own need to feel holy, or morally superior, or to maintain control or their public image of being someone who’s “together”, they don’t think twice about pummeling the bleeding soul standing in front of them. Mercy and grace go out the window as the claws come out, belittling the person who just tried to confide in them and adding to the crushing stress they’re already carrying.

These attacks on the victim can occur in a number of ways. After some conversations with an insightful relative I made a partial list of some of the most common behaviors of the “blame the victim” crowd.

1. Poor boundaries. Many of these blamers have poor boundaries and allow dangerous people in their circles believing that God will change them. God might, but in the meantime, as believers in Christ, they should discern between good and evil and protect those who need to be protected. Allowing abusers, stalkers, and some types of criminals to remain in close proximity to their victims is idiocy. If they believe those offenders need discipleship or counseling, that can be done far away from the victim and does not need to involve them.

Blamers also need to realize that just because the abuser, etc. is a family member does not mean that the victim is required to maintain contact with them. This is a common, glaring error in the church that puts hearts, souls, and lives in danger. If one person presents a threat to another, be it emotionally, physically, or what have you, there is no “Christian” requirement for the victim to maintain contact and keep putting themselves in harm’s way. Sometimes forgiveness, reform, etc. can only be done from a distance in order to keep the victim from being violated again.

Blamers like to chide victims for having boundaries. When discussing boundaries with people I like to point out that as a Christian you should have better and stronger boundaries with evil for that is what separates you from the rest of the world. Blamers believe that they are separate and sanctified, yet often deride victims for not acting like doormats. Remember, Christ said to turn the other cheek, not let yourself be used, beaten, raped, or killed.

2. Denying the trauma. If you don’t understand someone else’s trauma, it’s easy to dismiss it. We understand PTSD, for example, in the context of war and acknowledge that many soldiers come home with it. But how many in the church realize that victims of family violence can also suffer from PTSD? A great many do. Regardless of whether the effects that violence have had on a victim’s life can be classified into a known diagnosis or not, that violence has very real effects on victims’ minds, hearts, and physical health. That trauma exists whether blamers want to acknowledge its existence or not.

3. Denying the abuse that is still happening. Blamers frequently do not understand the dynamics that drive family violence, namely power and control. They wouldn’t know what abuse is if it were happening right in front of them– and it does. In a frightening twist, blamers are often people in positions of power within the church. They are those who counsel parishioners in failing marriages and run ministries in which people are likely to need help with problems like domestic violence.

Unfortunately, when a victim comes forward and says, “I just had a horrible fight with my husband and I’m afraid it’s getting worse,” their solution is not to connect the victim with a domestic violence advocate, but to discuss the ways they can “get their husband to stop doing that.” This is the “wear a pretty dress, do your hair, make sure a delicious casserole is waiting when he gets home” approach. It is a total denial of what is happening to that woman and the danger she is in.

Blamers like to assume that you stay away from certain people because of what’s happened in the past, as if you’re not letting go of it. In their book, if you’ve truly forgiven the person, then you should let that person back into your life. They are blind to the fact that you’re not keeping your distance because of the past, but because of what that person is still doing.

A lot of abusive people will never change and many get more abusive in time. They also learn more covert ways to abuse their victims over the years, meting out their punishment in ways designed to make the victims look crazy and them like the good guys. They’re con artists.

4. Failing to call evil what it is. Blamers don’t want to call someone in their own family evil, especially if that person considers themselves a Christian. They also don’t want to label any other Christians as such. This is the part at which I remind them that there are both sheep and wolves in the church and sometimes the most successful wolves are those with the most glamorous sheepskins.

Domestic violence, divorce, and other horrors happen in Christian families as much as they do in the rest of the population. It’s a sad fact that sits right next to another tragedy, the tragedy that the church is often the last place people go for help. Those I work with on domestic violence advocacy issues know I’m a firm believer that the church should be the first place victims go for help. Until all Christians can recognize evil as evil, though, this will never happen.

Hurting another human being when it isn’t in self-defense is evil. Trying to berate them, belittle them, control them, molest them, sexually assault them, hit them, and otherwise violate their boundaries is evil. Church, why aren’t we as a whole getting this? Saying yes to Jesus means saying no to evil and when He said, “do unto others,” He wasn’t kidding. As author Joel Rosenberg says, “misunderstanding the nature and threat of evil is to risk being blindsided by it.”

5. Endangering the victim by not taking them seriously. When blamers deny what a victim is enduring and how it’s affecting them, they become a party to their undoing. Denying the danger someone is in, be it psychologically or physically, doesn’t make it go away. As I mentioned in the boundaries section, blamers often see nothing wrong with pushing victims to “reconcile themselves” to their violators which often places the victims in harm’s away again.

6. Making the victim into someone they’re not. Anyone who’s dealt with domestic violence or crime knows that victims are often questioned as if they’re the suspects. Blamers are adept at this tactic. Rather than find out what truly happened and learn the victim’s side of the story, they automatically stereotype a victim who is standing up to their attacker as overly sensitive, needy, damaged, or any other derogatory and convenient term that comes to mind.

After they’ve had their “pep talk” with the victim about their “unforgiveness” and how the victim should practice their unsafe brand of reconciliation, they condemn the victim if they don’t do things their way. This can lead to all sorts of judgmental, damaging gossip that can make others question the victim’s motives and credibility. Blamers: just because a victim doesn’t handle their situation your way doesn’t make them un-Christlike. Please separate your legalism from your faith.

7. Lack of discernment. What is the most universal behavior of sociopathic people? They prey on your sympathy (thank you, author Martha Stout). Blamers frequently get sucked into the suspect’s ploy for sympathy, especially when it is someone close to them. They simply don’t want to believe that their relative or close friend is capable of what the victims are saying they are.

Abusers in particular love to twist things around to make themselves look like the good guys and get everyone to frown on the supposed immaturity/insecurity/faults/weaknesses/shortcomings/fabrications/exaggerations, etc. of the victims. And many Christians just fall for it! Christians– those who are supposed to have the Holy Spirit living within them to show them right from wrong– sometimes fall all over themselves to accommodate criminals and abusers as if they’re the “real” victims.

Unacceptable! When someone comes to you and tells you that they’ve been violated or mistreated, you should start by believing them and making sure they’re safe, not rushing to defend your buddy or brother who “couldn’t have possibly done that.” It deeply troubles me that so many believers don’t pause to consider how much trouble the victim might be in or to ask God for His insight before they rush to defend the wolves.

8. Damning the victim’s future. Blamers are masters of limiting God’s grace. Even those who might provide genuine and desperately needed help to victims act as if God’s mercy for their situation only goes so far. A blamer might have the wisdom to help a victim out of an abusive marriage– and may God bless them for doing so. But they might simultaneously be lecturing the victim that they can never be married again and must adhere to a monastic lifestyle. They will readily bust out scripture to support their attempt to control the victim’s life, going as far as to assure the victim they will go to hell if they don’t do things their way.

In my church we believe that victims of certain circumstances can be married again and a senior pastor convinced our congregation of this through scripture. There are violations of the marriage covenant that render it broken and there are some circumstances too dangerous to go back to.

To say that the victim has to spend the rest of their life honoring a broken covenant is ludicrous. That limits a God who specializes in second chances, healing, and redemption. It limits His infinite grace. Yet is exactly this threat of hellfire and damnation for daring to allow God to make something magnificent out of our brokenness that condemns many victims to stay in potentially deadly relationships.

Ultimately, blamers who put the onus on victims are just adding to the stress that the victims are already dealing with. They are helping keep them in the shadows rather than taking their hands and walking with them into the light. By adding all their nitpicky little rules, regulations and rituals to what is supposed to be a simple relationship with a loving and forgiving God, they could very easily be turning more people away from Heaven than towards it.

It breaks my heart to see how this supposedly pious behavior misrepresents the God who wants to be a Father to His children– a truly worthy father, a very different father from the earthly one many victims have had. Why would non-believers want anything to do with a God who makes them feel like what happened to them is primarily their fault? That is, however, exactly what is being represented to them by the astounding number of “blame the victim” believers.

It is important for blamers to remember is that it’s not up to them to decide what’s best for another adult. They need to respect the choices that an adult victim/survivor has made and not make it their mission to bend another human being to their will. God Himself has given each of us free will and we are to help others conform to His image, not our own. Exercising some sick, selfish need to control others and make them feel like less of a Christian for standing up to evil requires a long, hard look in the pool of reflection.

Next time you are tempted to start lecturing a victim about the walls they put up to protect themselves and their family, or start dictating to them how they should feel or act, consider who you are an ambassador for. Is this really how you want people to see Jesus, as judge, jury, and executioner of the wounded? How does a self-righteous, pharisaical dissection of the victim’s supposed mindset, heart, and actions serve to further the kingdom? Are you risking their soul just so you can feel morally superior?

Imagine the victories that could be achieved if you would put your energies into being strong support for victims rather than picking them apart. Consider whether the way you treat victims of crime and violence is driving people towards the cross or away from it. Then adjust your approach accordingly, because the way the church is responding to the horrors in our society has influenced millions of people to turn away from the faith.

Are you a part of the solution or part of the problem?

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If Jesus had tried to make everyone happy, we would all be lost. If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil. If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse. If pharisaical Christians judge you, it means that you are becoming like your Savior. If your parents don’t like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means that you are growing up. –Henry Cloud

The Mirror Solution to Child Sexual Abuse

2013-11-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

by Barry Goldstein

The Pennsylvania Attorney General is now following-up by investigating some of the people who helped Jerry Sandusky continue to molest boys long after he should have been discovered and stopped. A recent news report described a meeting between the young man known at the Sandusky trial as victim #1, his mother and school officials. The boy had revealed Sandusky’s abuse to his school counselor. His mother demanded the school report Sandusky’s crimes against her son to the child protective authorities. The principal is being investigated because she attempted to discourage the mother from making a report. The mother told her she was going to the authorities to make the report. Despite her obligation as a mandated reporter, the principle called child protective to tell them to expect a visit from the mother and son, but not to take the allegations too seriously.

In recent times we have seen several stories, including Newtown where teachers and school administrators showed enormous courage and literally gave their lives to protect the children in their charge and here is a principal who allegedly undermined the efforts to protect a young boy from a criminal predator. It would be nice to think her behavior was the exception, but the reality is that when it comes to protecting children from sexual abuse, particularly when it is committed by someone they know, there is an awful pattern of adults giving more concern to the alleged rapists then to the children.

Is that an unfair characterization for the response to allegations of child sexual abuse in the United States and so many other countries? Consider that by the time children reach the age of 18, one-third of the girls and one-seventh of the boys have been sexually assaulted. Although mothers rarely make deliberately false allegations of sexual abuse, in 85% of cases in which mothers raise these concerns, the alleged abuser is given custody. This means courts are sending an awful lot of children to live with their rapists. The only thing worse than raising these grizzly statistics would be for someone to say it is inevitable and we do not have the ability to do a better job protecting children.

Certainly disgusting predators like Jerry Sandusky are responsible for their crimes. At the same time this principal and so many officials at Penn State could have acted differently and stopped him sooner. But again this is more than a problem caused by a few uncaring individuals. As a society we have long tolerated and helped keep secret the widespread victimization of our children. Attitudes, beliefs and tolerance of sexism make children more vulnerable. The solution for protecting these precious children lies as close as the nearest mirror. If the level of child sexual abuse crimes was believed and considered intolerable, we could create better responses that would drastically reduce these crimes. The principal had an opportunity to protect not only the boy in her school but other boys who later became victims of Sandusky. As tempting as it is to criticize her actions and inactions, we have no authority to do so until we do what she failed to do—work to prevent more children from being victimized by the predators among us.

The Enormous Life Long Harm of Sexual Abuse

In my first book, SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY, I told the story about a client who was sexually abused between the ages of 3 and 8 by her brother. He would spank her and touch her during his abuse. For many years she felt guilty because some parts of what her brother did were physically pleasurable. When the brother’s abuse was discovered, he was removed from the home, but she never received therapy because her parents did not believe in it. Much later, as an adult and in a marriage with an abuser she found a good therapist. One day the therapist brought out an empty chair and told our client to pretend the chair was the three-year-old girl. “Tell the girl what she did wrong,” the therapist asked the client. In that moment, for the first time she realized it wasn’t her fault.

A few months ago I wrote an article about the health impact of domestic violence and child abuse. I discussed a wonderful book by Kathleen Kendall-Tackett. Early in the book she was discussing how these traumas shorten children’s lives and speaking of the many common illnesses caused or worsened by these traumas. And then she mentioned diabetes----and I froze.

My mother died just a few years ago at age 84 of complications from diabetes. The last several years of her life were compromised by her diabetes and her need for dialysis. It was years after I was an adult and had started my work in the domestic violence movement that I learned that her uncle had touched her inappropriately when she was a teenager. I thought about this as I read the book. I will never know, but it is possible she would still be alive if my “great”-uncle had never abused her. We cannot know how these traumas impact an individual, but we do know that many wonderful people like my mom live shorter and more painful lives because of society’s tolerance of domestic violence, child abuse and other traumas.

Predators do not fit the kind of stereotypes that would make them easily identifiable. I can remember as a kid going out on this uncle’s boat and having a wonderful time. There was never any suggestion he had done anything so harmful. He was also a popular science teacher. I don’t know if he ever abused any of the students, but he did touch other girls in our family. I believe it is long past time for society to start taking these crimes far more seriously.

The long-term health impact from sexual abuse can occur in many different ways: The trauma can cause depression, PTSD and other mental health problems which in turn can lead to suicide; Stress, inflammation, eating and sleeping disorders can cause many of the most debilitating and fatal diseases; The violation of trust makes it harder to create and maintain good relationships; The impact of the assault may undermine the ability to concentrate in school and get an education needed to provide needed resources; Many victims run away from home creating additional dangers and vulnerabilities. Survivors often make bad decisions resulting in risky sexual behavior, substance abuse, crime, prostitution, relationships with abusive men and other self-destructive behaviors that undermine their health. These and other problematic circumstances combine to multiply the risks and harms.

Societal attitudes towards rape tend to reinforce guilt and embarrassment. In many cases survivors are blamed for the abuser’s actions. In response to most other crimes, victims can expect support and assistance, but the experience of rape and sexual abuse is often hidden out of concern for negative responses. In most cases where the offender is a friend or relative there is a danger of additional assaults or retaliation if the attack is revealed. And as many of the Penn State victims stated when asked why they didn’t report it sooner, there is good reason in our society to fear they will not be believed.

The fact that rape and other forms of sexual abuse are enormously harmful is not new or surprising. Still, the new medical and other research that demonstrates the enormity of the harm to victims is important. This research should create an urgency to prevent these crimes and help the children heal. There are many things we can do to salvage lives, but it must become safe to come forward and reveal his abuse and the resources must be in place to provide the needed treatment and therapy. Survivors should expect non-judgmental emotional support so they are willing to reveal what he did to them and seek the help they need.

The Myth about False Allegations

One of the major factors in the decision by District Attorney Bill Delahunt to develop a series of best practices that led to creation of the Quincy Model was a finding that almost every prisoner in a nearby high security prison had a childhood history of witnessing domestic violence or suffering sexual abuse. He realized that by protecting the community from these crimes he could reduce all crimes. He created an office to focus on child sexual abuse crimes. Delahunt was aware that many people tended to disbelieve allegations of incest, but he correctly understood most complaints were true. Aggressive prosecution of incest and other child sexual abuse crimes contributed to the substantial reduction in domestic violence and other crimes in Norfolk County.

The myth about false allegations of incest has a long history. Sigmund Freud originally published a study based on his work with incest victims that confirmed its frequency. Strong opposition from parts of society and particularly those who were committing these crimes led him to concoct a theory that the complaints were based on dreams and fantasies and were almost always false.

More recently organized efforts by sexual abusers and the professionals earning money by helping to defend them led to the promotion of theories designed to dispute child sexual abuse allegations. This included allegations that were based on therapy and recovered memory as well as the custody based Parental Alienation Syndrome. As with any myth, there has to be a kernel of truth to sustain it. There have been false allegations and convictions, and these are rightfully condemned, but are rare. Far more common are true allegations that are disbelieved.

Significantly child sexual abuse is a crime and so tends to be judged based on the high standard of proof required for a criminal conviction. This is based on our values that include not wanting innocent people to be convicted and jailed. This is why proof is required beyond a reasonable doubt which is a very high standard of proof. Child sexual abuse is particularly hard to prove because many types of abuse do not leave physical evidence or the evidence may no longer be available by the time the child reveals the crime. Many judges and juries expect strong physical evidence before they will believe child sexual abuse allegations and sometimes even this strong evidence is not enough.

It is indeed a horrible experience to be accused of sexual abuse and I understand the high standard of proof needed to avoid mistaken convictions. There is no justification, however to use this same high standard of proof when the issue is protecting the health and safety of children rather than sending someone to prison. Nevertheless we have seen many cases in which the decision of prosecutors not to bring charges (which would have to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt) is routinely used by child protective agencies and custody courts as proof the allegations are false. Even when this non-probative information is not cited, the extreme skepticism many professionals have towards incest allegations creates a huge obstacle that prevents children from being protected. The catastrophic consequences of exposing children to sexual abuse should require courts to err on the side of protecting the health and safety of children rather than protecting abusers.

The fact is that pursuing allegations of sexual abuse are extremely painful and embarrassing for the child and the safe parent. Children do lie about many things but rarely abuse. This is confirmed by studies that confirm deliberately false allegations made by mothers occur less than 2% of the time in contested custody cases. Nevertheless the Saunders’ study found that inadequately trained court professionals tend to believe the myth that mothers frequently pressure children to make false charges. The frequency that child sexual abuse allegations are disbelieved demonstrates both the difficulty in proving incest and the high percentage of evaluators and other court professionals attempting to handle cases without the specific training they need.

Perhaps the most damning demonstration of society’s tolerance for incest is the discrimination against children victimized by sexual abusers they know. When the alleged perpetrator is a stranger, the investigation is led by law enforcement and the purpose is to gather evidence to prosecute the rapist. The alleged offender is quickly and aggressively questioned and they seek to obtain agreement for a lie detector test. In other words they take the allegations seriously and do everything possible to protect the child.

When the alleged predator is someone the child knows, particularly a family member, the approach is completely different. The investigation is led by a social worker. They are required to provide notice to the parents which provides the opportunity for the molester to destroy evidence and silence the child. There is a delay in interviewing the child and the abuser. The purpose of the investigation is to reunify the parent and child and little effort is made to gather evidence. If the case later leads to a custody dispute, this lack of evidence caused by the substandard investigation is treated as proof the allegations are deliberately false.

Misleading Stereotypes

When the media actively covers a story about child sexual abuse it is usually about a pretty blond girl who has been raped or kidnapped by a stranger. This is one of the reasons that the stereotypical sexual predator is some stranger lurking to pick up children. The reality is that the large majority of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the victim knows. Accordingly, practices that focus mainly on strangers leave most child victims vulnerable and unprotected. The discriminatory response to child sexual abuse is based on these false stereotypes.

Closely connected to this stereotype is the common but unstated assumption that a man who is successful in other parts of his life could not be doing something so distasteful. This probably influenced the principal who knew Jerry Sandusky as a successful college football coach and founder of an organization dedicated to helping underprivileged children. She probably didn’t consider that predators often engage in activities that will bring them close to vulnerable children.

The sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church was similarly abetted by this popular assumption. Dedicated priests devoting their lives to prayer and God would not abuse children. Certainly the church administrators would not tolerate priests who violated the commandments and broke the trust placed in them. This made it hard to believe the allegations of abuse by priests could be both true and as widespread as they turned out to be. Violations by Boy Scout leaders similarly tended to be disbelieved because the men involved were considered role models and leaders in the community.

These common mistakes have contributed to the failure of custody courts to believe true allegations of child sexual abuse and to protect the children. Many evaluators and other court professionals believe they can determine the truth about abuse allegations from observing the parties. They often fail to consider that an abuser acts very differently with the court professionals and indeed just about everyone else than he acts in the privacy of his home. In many cases evaluators and others have referenced glowing testimonials from friends and family as if it were proof the allegations could not be true. These witnesses are usually telling the truth, but they have no information about how he treats the mother and children in private.

At the same time, mothers may be angry, emotional and upset from the long history of their partner’s abuse and concern the court will not protect their children. The Saunders’ study found that court professionals pay far too much attention to mother’s anger and emotion; all out of proportion to what it says about her parenting. The Batterer as Parent and other experts have found that the best source of information about a father’s abuse and his likely future behavior is the mother.

Abused women pay close attention to their partners’ body language, tone of voice, choice of words and other clues that can provide early warning of his potential danger. This allows the mothers to attempt to diffuse the situation, usually by agreeing to what he wants, leave the home, call for help or shield the children, usually with her body in order to try to survive. Court professionals who rarely have an understanding of domestic violence dynamics just assume the mother is biased and fail to consider their best source of information. In many cases, this bias and ignorance has directly led to child murders after the court disbelieved the mother and provided the father with the access to the children he needed to kill them.

The fathers the courts see in custody cases do not look like stereotypical child molesters. Neither did Jerry Sandusky, the Catholic priests or the Boy Scout leaders who repeatedly violated the children in their trust. Trained professionals need to do a better job of avoiding manipulation by abusers who have long practice in fooling people.

The High Cost of Silence

Child sexual abuse is an unpleasant, painful and embarrassing topic, but our silence only makes it easier for the bad guys. The research about the enormous health consequences of tolerating child abuse and the unconscionable prevalence of these life-altering crimes demands that good people speak up and demand responses that will effectively protect our children.

In recent years we have seen effective “good-touch-bad-touch” programs that make young children aware of the dangers. Predators use many effective tactics to scare and silence children. This makes it particularly important to do everything possible to encourage children to report abuse or anything that makes them uncomfortable.

We have seen in the Sandusky case, Catholic Church and many custody cases how the practice of disbelieving children’s complaints discourages victims from revealing his abuse and allows these scandals to continue much longer. The use of these flawed practices encourages abusers because they correctly expect to get away with most of their crimes. Approaches that treat incest as a private family matter increase the risk to children.

Community silence is also devastating to our children. When we consider how devastating child sexual abuse is to the victim and the community it should be shocking to see the difficulty in obtaining laws and practices designed to protect children. Many states have had laws or practices that treat incest as less of a crime than assaults by strangers. Attempts to strengthen enforcement and eliminate incest exemptions have not had the near unanimous support they deserve. Campaigns to reduce or eliminate statute of limitation obstacles to victims suing their abusers have met significant opposition and have not always succeeded. This is important because children may have lost the memory of the abuse, as a defense mechanism for survival, or continue to face threats or risks for revealing the abuse. In some cases survivors have faced retaliation when they complain about their abuser.

This silence has been particularly deafening in response to the widespread failure of the custody courts to protect child sexual abuse victims. The media has failed to expose this scandal. The legislatures have failed to pass laws that require courts to make the safety of children their first priority. Professional organizations have failed and refused to discipline members who make a living ruining children’s lives by protecting the predators. Many judges have retaliated against protective mothers and professionals who criticized them for placing children in danger. And the public has stood by while the children’s lives are ruined and they are subjected to unspeakable pain and cruelty.

Child Sexual Abuse and Abortion

I personally believe that the government has no business telling women what to do with their bodies and it is particularly offensive for male officials to interfere with the medical needs and most fundamental privacy rights of women. At the same time I have many friends who sincerely believe that abortion is wrong and I respect their dedication. I am touching this issue, which I usually would not discuss in an article like this because of some interesting findings in the ACES and related research. The studies find that girls who are sexually abused are more likely to have abortions. This is not only because they might want to abort a baby conceived from rape, but the impact of sexual abuse often leads survivors to engage in risky sexual behaviors.

We have seen politicians focus on rare types of abortions and spend enormous attention and money seeking to ban these abortions despite the impact on the health and privacy of women. The research concerning the connection between child sexual abuse and abortion means that those who wish to prevent abortions could create laws and practices that would result in a larger reduction of abortions without interfering with the privacy of girls and women. Indeed, encouraging best practices to prevent rape and molestation of girls will make the lives of all girls and women much better. It should be a rare instance in which both sides of the abortion debate could agree. Once this connection becomes better known, the response of politicians and those who are working to prevent abortions will demonstrate the sincerity of their beliefs. How could they fail to take advantage of this research to prevent abortions by preventing child sexual abuse? For those who sincerely oppose abortion, protecting girls from incest and sexual assault should become a major priority.

Custody Courts Still Protect Sexual Predators

When mothers raise concerns about possible child sexual abuse during a custody case they frequently face responses from their attorneys refusing to present the evidence or strongly discouraging the moms from voicing their concerns and protecting their children. The attorneys’ motives range from disbelieving the allegation or not wanting to present it to concerns about the sufficiency of the evidence and the likelihood the judge will deny the allegations and punish the mother for making them. With few exceptions, these attorneys are not aware of the research that 85% of these allegations result in custody for the alleged abuser. Rather this response is based on their experience that judges generally do not want to hear about child sexual abuse and often respond in ways that hurt the mother and children. In some cases the lawyer is concerned the judge will be angry at them for presenting the information. This, of course, constitutes a conflict of interest as the attorney is undermining the client’s case to protect their personal and professional interests, but it is not the kind of ethics violation that courts or bar associations tend to take seriously.

This common response is an accurate reflection of the hostile reaction custody courts make to requests that they protect children from sexual abuse. Some of this reaction is caused by many years of listening to evaluators who are part of the cottage industry that makes large incomes supporting abusive fathers. Some of this reaction is caused by the frequent lack of training or research to inform decisions about domestic violence and child abuse. The bogus Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), based not on any research but rather a belief system by Richard Gardner that included many public statements that sex between adults and children can be acceptable. At the heart of the reaction that mostly fails to protect children is reliance on the myth that mothers frequently make false allegations of abuse.

While courts claim that protecting children is their highest priority, the results and their standard responses tell a very different story. I appreciate that there are many reasons for the courts’ failure, just as there are reasons for the frequency children in this society are subjected to sexual abuse. Nevertheless, if this was a genuine priority the responses would be very different and children would be much safer. It should not take the ACES study about the enormity of harm caused by child abuse, but if that is what it takes, let’s use it to protect the children.

Domestic violence experts often speak about the importance of context in understanding domestic violence cases. This is one of the many failures in the custody court system that tends to look at each issue and incident separately. The courts also look at each case separately and assume based on stare decisis that once a decision is made it must be correct. In many cases they won’t even consider new evidence which taken together with the previous evidence demonstrates the pattern of abuse. If custody court officials would look at the pattern of courts giving sexual predators access to the children and the research about how rare it is for mothers to make false allegations it would be easy to see that most of these decisions are catastrophically wrong.

Unfortunately we have seen extreme defensiveness and too often retaliation when concerns are raised that judges mishandled a case. This is particularly true in sexual abuse cases where it would be so distasteful for judges to realize they are responsible for the children being subjected to such vile behavior. We need the courts to be open to the new research, better practices and the need to rely only on professionals who have genuine expertise specifically about child sexual abuse.

Conclusion

When the scandals in the Catholic Church and Penn State finally broke, the public was rightfully outraged that so many children were left unprotected for so long. It was fair to blame the perpetrators and the administrators who failed to do their job and make protection of children the first priority. Many of us hoped that the exposure of these scandals would encourage reforms in the custody courts’ response to child sexual abuse because the same flawed practices and responses are involved. Thus far we have been disappointed.

Just as it would be helpful to custody courts to look for the patterns in abuse cases, the same is true for society’s failure to protect children from sexual predators, particularly close friends and family. As I mentioned earlier, by the time they reach the age of 18, one-third of the girls and one-seventh of the boys have been sexually abused. This presents an unmistakable pattern of society’s failure to protect its children.

This is a society that claims to treat children as precious. If a consumer product kills or injures a few children, it is big news, the product is recalled and the media is all over the story. So why do we continue to tolerate the much more widespread, life-altering trauma caused by sexual abuse? For this we must look in the mirror.

This is a topic we are uncomfortable discussing. Many people wish to disbelieve the allegations even though children rarely lie about abuse. How could respected judges, lawyers and psychologists even consider forcing children to live with their rapists? It is much easier to blame the mother for being vindictive. Is it any less shocking that respected priests could molest children and leading administrators would cover it up rather than making children’s safety the first priority? There came a point where the church denials and minimizations were overwhelmed by the evidence and huge number of children proven to be victims.

The public and the parishioners remained silent for far too long. We have reached the point with the custody courts that the research and evidence is so overwhelming that only shutting our eyes and closing our ears to the desperate pleas for help from the children and their mothers can permit the latest scandal to continue. It is time for the media to start doing their job of exposing court malfeasance and misfeasance. It is time for the courts to start discussing this problem with more than the usual suspects who have failed the courts and often make large incomes by doing so. Court administrators need to look at the research including the Saunders’ study and the ACES medical findings. Most of all it is time for all of us to look in the mirror and tell our children what we are doing to make them safe.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor, co- authored with Elizabeth Liu is designed to train attorneys to present domestic violence cases and was released in April of 2013. Barry can be reached by email at Barryg78@aol.com

For more information about the new book, including access to the first approximately 50 pages or to purchase the book go to the publisher’s web site at http://civicresearchinstitute.com/rdv.html Elizabeth Liu and I have convinced our publisher to make available the last section of our chapter about GALs that lists and explains the best practices for GALs in domestic violence cases. You can now download and print this information and share it with your GAL. Everyone is welcome to share this information. I also hope you will check out my new Face book page, Barry Goldsteins Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor. Barry’s web site, www.Barrygoldstein.net is back up and running with new material.

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