"Time's Up!"

Time’s Up: Let Me Count The Ways to Save A Life

2012-01-30T08:56:00.001-05:00

By Susan Murphy Milano

April 2010 launched the book, Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive an Abusive and Stalking Relationship. The information contained in the book has been used by many victims of abuse in the almost 2 years since it became available to the public, and those who chose to follow the information in the book, are all still alive at a time when we are seeing record numbers of intimate partner murder/suicides and whole families being annihilated.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit© is still not being used to its fullest potential by the legal, medical, and advocacy program communities, but it is available in many forms to the general public, and the testimonials are astounding. The testimonials are not just coming from recovered victims, but from those brave advocates who are using it on their own to best assist the victims who come to them for help.

Although not yet fully used as accepted practice in shelters and agencies across the country, Time's Up and the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit© is being discussed throughout the nation in the domestic violence assistance community. In the meantime, I've made this life-saving, but simple procedure available in as many formats as possible so that it's in the hands of those who need it most, the abuse victim.

Where can Time's Up and the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit be found?

The website Document the Abuse was created to house all the information about the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit©, it's purpose, it's benefits, and how to become certified to properly use the information on a case by case basis. The future of it's success lies in the organization of advocates in all victim services fields and their training in how to properly administer and create the individual safety plans and the EAA.

Time's Up: A Guide on How to Leave and Survive an Abusive and Stalking Relationship

The over-sized paperback book is available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble and all online retailers. You can request it through your local book stores if it's not yet being carried there.

It's also available on Kindle and as an ebook (pdf format) through several sites including Susan Murphy Milano's website and blog, susanmurphymilano.com and The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Coming Soon!

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit © will soon be available in two new formats, an "interactive pdf" as well as the long awaited app from Apple. Stay tuned for the announcements and where you can find them!

Time's Up is being translated into Spanish, we're very excited about being able to more effectively serve the Latino population, and will keep readers abreast of when it will be available.

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as an educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.

susanmurphymilano.com

Drew Peterson: Untouchable

2012-01-26T08:29:00.000-05:00

By Heidi Hiatt

Reviews of last night’s Drew Peterson: Untouchable movie on Lifetime are mocking the script, chortling that Rob Lowe is too good-looking to pull off the slovenly, bloated Peterson, and rightfully noting that viewers couldn’t tell which characters exist in real life and which don’t. At least a few websites are saying you should watch it just for the laughs.

I wasn’t laughing.

Yes, this was a Lifetime movie. This network usually follows a formula of damsel in distress meets hot dude who rescues her. Or woman takes drastic action against abuser and the legal drama that follows. As cheesy as many Lifetime movies are, women watch these shows because they can relate to them.

Say what you will about Untouchable, but where it did succeed was in giving viewers a taste of what life was probably like for Peterson’s wives. This guy comes across as a raging narcissist and to me seems to be a textbook sociopath. His world revolves around… him. He, as I just discussed in my Courageous post below, tries to maintain a heroic public persona, complete with the stereotypical mustache of authority, while skeletons literally lie in this guy’s closets.

I was disgusted that media outlets this morning were blaring Peterson’s reaction to the movie. What did they think he was going to say, “gee, there’s part of it that really hit home for me?” The media’s focus on Peterson has been a stumbling stone in the path of justice throughout this whole saga. As vampires of his type are known to do, and this is so transparent to me, he’s succeeded in drawing attention away from his victims and onto himself. Frankly I’d be much more interested in hearing what the victims’ families and friends have to say about Untouchable than see reporters clamor to post what this suspect is bellowing from his cell.

Another beef I have with the way the media has handled the Peterson case is that they have focused cargo ships full of attention on this case to the detriment of other missing persons and murder cases. Homicide and suicide happen all the time in police officer relationships, yet only a select few cases dominate the airwaves, sensationalized by crusaders for justice who constantly run “breaking news” banners on their shows.

To understand just how much this goes on in law enforcement, please visit the Behind the Blue Wall blog at http://behindthebluewall.blogspot.com/. The media’s laser focus on the Peterson case may have people thinking domestic violence of this magnitude is a fairly rare occurence in police families. The stories featured on this blog cover just some of the cases, and only some of the cases that make it to the media. The person who runs the site is not a cop hater, but someone who, like me, believes that conditions for victims of officer-involved domestic violence will never get better until police culture and our society are honest about the extent of this violence.

Some of the lines used in the movie are being panned for their cheesiness without acknowledging that self-absorbed people really do say the darndest things. They are not always rational and really do come out with some shocking and awkward statements sometimes. In one scene, Peterson was basically reminding his wife how lucky she was to be with a man who had his size of male member, and she said, “have you been in a men’s locker room lately?” Some guys really do think they’re God’s gift to women and like to remind women that they are “exceptional” when their sexual skills may be average or below. Narcissist red alert!

Peterson reminded his wives and people witnessing the abuse that he was untouchable. He is the police, as this character said, and this is a common line among police abusers. It is a dilemma that faces the majority of victims of police officers because it’s true. If you call the police, will they protect him, or will they protect you? I’ve been through this, and if you choose to go to the authorities, you are taking the risk that they won’t do anything or worse, leaving you at the whim of your abuser, who’s now outraged that you “ratted him out.”

People often ask domestic violence victims why they don’t just leave. You can’t “just leave.” I’ve said it many times, but the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. The abuser may not want you, but he still wants control over you. If he believes he has to kill you to keep you from regaining control of your life, there’s a good chance he’ll do it. He may kill your children, pets, coworkers, or relatives too. Cops’ careers are based on power and control, and the ones who choose to abuse flaunt that power and control mercilessly. Leaving could be signing your own death certificate, because how dare you act like your own person and “rob” them of their “authority.” By leaving you also risk exposing the deeds they’ve worked so hard to conceal.

Men like Peterson in this movie are masters of what’s known as crazymaking (also known as gaslighting), tormenting and badgering their victims mentally to the point that victims start to believe there’s something actually wrong with themselves. Peterson referred to his third wife Kathleen as “the crazy lady” at least several times in Untouchable and made sure everyone around him knew that she was an unstable, vindictive, emotionally off-balance predator who just wanted poor him to suffer. Crazymaking is just one way to make the victim look like the suspect and vice versa. Also note that some abusers are so relentless that they actually can cause their victims real problems.

They are the victims, master spin doctors whose lies and excuses pour out of their mouths effortlessly to make the real victim look like the suspect. I mention this quote over and over in my blog, but as Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door says, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is… an appeal to our sympathy. Abusers who are effective at this become the poor guy with the challenging wife, the longsuffering father whose kids are being poisoned by their mother.

Onlookers say, “he’s such a nice guy,” “he doesn’t deserve that,” “she’s a piece of work.” They generally don’t stop to ask the partner for her perspective; it’s obvious the “poor guy’s” got the short end of the stick and he doesn’t need you stirring things up by asking for his wife’s view, right? Wrong. Someone who has to go to such lengths to stir up sympathy might just have more going on than they’re letting on. Sympathy provides a smokescreen and diverts attention away from the victim onto themselves.

As portrayed in this movie, Peterson was only interested in the honeymoon phase of relationships. He got a thrill out of overlapping his relationships, using the time-worn phrase, “I’m still technically married.” Many con artists do this, saying, “I’ll divorce her,” “I’m in the processing of divorcing her,” “It’s completely over with her,” “I don’t feel anything for her.” But they thrive on their own cunning as they act out their fantasy of a sailor with a woman in every port.

In Untouchable, Peterson gets an obvious rise out of sneaking young Stacy into his house while his wife and children are sleeping. However, once they settle down and the thrill of the new relationship starts to wear off, the abuse starts. They’re out of the honeymoon phase and in his twisted mind she’s to blame for the ensuing “boredom.” He needs constant stimulation and settling down into routine life, with its less than perfect daily circumstances, is unbearable to him.

Speaking of children, some researchers theorize that sociopaths have an instinctive drive to spread their seed all over the place and ensure the continuation of their line. Some such abusers do this. They just keep having children and may use successive women to care for those children. I’ve seen this in real life and the children wind up not having a real father, but a Disneyland father who “works so hard” to support them that they “understand” why he’s not around. These guys are too busy tending to their new interests to be appropriately invested as husbands and fathers, and there’s always an excuse as to why they can’t make it to ____ (name an activity).

Drew Peterson made his fourth wife Stacy carry a cell phone constantly in this movie. This is also a common abuser tactic. He initially said that he needed to know she was “safe.” He was not motivated out of love or wanting to protect his wife, however, this was about control. He was irrationally paranoid about what his wife might be doing behind his back and needed to know her every move. There was one scene where he was spying on Stacy while in a marked police cruiser with a partner. It is reality that department resources may be used to keep tabs on a victim.

This picture also touched on how abusers may rage at their victims about things they are actually doing. In Untouchable, after Stacy hugged her brother-in-law at her sister’s funeral, Peterson asked her how long she’s been “banging” him. Then he attacked her in bed and asked how many times she’s “banged” him. A simple hug on a grieving family member can trigger the jealous rage of an abuser. They perceive it as a threat even though there is no threat. They are so mired in their own alternate reality that while they are away on vacation cheating on their spouse, they will call her and ask who she’s in bed with. They are, once again, making the victim the suspect.

The bed scenes in this movie were also realistic. Cowardly abusers will attack their victims where anyone else is least likely to witness the abuse. Rob Lowe’s Peterson also threatened to kill his wives at such moments, in both veiled and overt tones, in ways that couldn’t be proven. If you’ve heard the phrase “he said, she said,” that means that it’s her word against his. Guys like this are unlikely to threaten their partner in the presence of her friends or family. They get a thrill out of the fear and control they have while sneering that they’ll kill the victim when no one else can hear them. It’s also a way of deeply disturbing a victim emotionally so that only the symptoms will show in public, not the cause.

A final common abuser tactic that this movie covered was Peterson’s knack for demonizing his ex. Yes, some exes really are as bad as they appear, but I’ve learned to be suspicious of men who’ve been “horribly wronged” by their exes. Some won’t stop talking about how bad their exes are, and that may be a way of trying to bury the unfinished business or feelings they still have for them. It may also be concealing the fact that they’re still physically involved with them. Stacy’s experience in the movie version was that Kathleen, Peterson’s third wife, was a truly horrible person who incessantly harassed them. But Peterson convincing her of that just strengthened her loyalty to him because it evoked her sympathy. It made her believe that Peterson’s kids had a desperate need for a real mother.

Rob Lowe was genuinely creepy is this movie. Obviously Lifetime knows that casting someone who looks like him will draw more interest than someone who looks more like Drew Peterson. Regardless of what women think of Peterson’s looks, he seems to have that sociopathic draw, that hypnotic energy, that entices unsuspecting women. He may also appear attractive to some women in that he was an authority figure, that he was a father figure, and that he seemed financially successful.

A manipulator doesn’t have to be good-looking to have power over his victims; he just knows how to play his cards to reel in his targets. Please note that Peterson became engaged again in 2009, and after his intended left him due to her father’s ultimatum, she came back. After that she blindly defended him. I find absolutely nothing attractive about Drew Peterson, but there is a sinister energy that surrounds him like a cloud. When people are living in that cloud, they see a mirage or an embellished version of reality. You see what they want you to see.

To learn more about the kind of abuser that was portrayed in Untouchable, I’m going to recommend the book I always recommend, Sandra L. Brown’s Women’s Who Love Psychopaths, http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/. It delves into both suspect profiles and victimology and should be required reading for both sexes.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you will find very relevant assistance in Susan Murphy Milano’s Time’s Up guide to leaving stalking and abusive relationships, http://www.amazon.com/Times-Up-Abusive-Stalking-Relationships/dp/1608443604/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270995969&sr=1-2.

If you are a victim of officer-involved domestic violence, Diane Wetendorf’s website and booklets may be useful to you so that you understand the seriousness of what’s happening, http://www.abuseofpower.info/. You may also want to check out the website of the Officer-Involved Domestic Violence Network, http://policedomesticviolence.com/. Remember that abusers can track your Internet use, so be familiar with how to safely access this information before you look, http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/internet-safety.

There is also something critically important that you can do if you are a victim of stalking or violence: document it! Visit http://documenttheabuse.com/index.html to learn more about the critically important Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and how to safely record what is happening to you. Stacy Peterson is featured on this website.

I also advocate having a will and other legal documents in place that explain specifically who should be questioned if you are missing, incapacitated, or dead. Mine is set to automatically disseminate detailed information to people in government and the media. Friends also know intimate details of what I’ve documented and how it is more complicated than what I refer to as my past life. Keep trusted people in the know without your abusers’ knowledge. Doing these things positions a guillotine that will take your abuser’s and accomplices’ heads (figuratively) if they come for yours.

So, mock the Peterson movie if you will, but remember that real women are dead and missing. Did this movie convict Peterson prematurely? Perhaps. Personally I believe Peterson’s victims, who had nothing to gain and their lives to lose by standing up for themselves. All the red flags were there. Women who’ve been through similar situations, even of much lesser magnitude, readily recognize the mind games, spins, and manipulation tactics that Peterson appears to practice both in real life and in this movie. It can function as public education.

Even if Peterson is pure as the driven snow and did not hurt any of his wives, this quick onscreen walk through suburban Chicago can function as a crash course in the tactics of domestic abusers. Some may see it as entertainment at the expense of the victims and I understand that. Was it right to make this movie? Did the victims’ families give their input, and who’s profiting from it, namely the precious children left behind? I also understand how media coverage can get cases moved to different locales and affect jury selection.

I’m not heartily recommending this movie, but I am saying that as long as it’s out there, let’s learn what we can from it. There is reality even in its cheesiest lines that can educate the public on domestic violence and be used to stop it. Knowledge is power. Awareness brings change. We must continue to speak out against the Drew Petersons of this world until domestic violence ceases to exist.

Idealistic you say? Given the magnitude of this monster’s reach, especially in law enforcement families, it’s an ideal worth striving for.

It is terrible to find how little progress one’s philosophy and charity have made when they are brought to the test of domestic life. –C.S. Lewis

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist. You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Hope Always Springs Eternal

2012-01-25T11:31:00.001-05:00

By Pamela Chapman

Have your expectations not come forth? Have you been disappointed in your dreams? Have you heard of or seen family, friends, and associates lose their homes, their jobs and their money?

Often time you have big ideas and dreams of possibilities for your life that, seemingly, never come to fruition. At least, not in the timeframe you’ve expected or believed. Have you possibly thought something was wrong with you or wrong with the God you believe? Have you ever lost faith?

I know during the Christmas season everything is supposed to be merry and bright. But, this is also the season of severe depression, suicide, and abuse. I never, ever write about anything I haven’t experienced. I may not have studied human behavior or psychology on a Doctorate level; but, I can tell you this, dear one, this woman has experienced life on a master’s level. I don’t write from an elevated place never having suffered, never having been wounded, never having been depressed, anxious or fear filled. I write from my reality.

We are living in turbulent times. We are living in times where everything that can be shaken is being shaken: our homes, our careers, nature, and even our scared religious beliefs and systems. What do I mean by being shaken? Everything seems to be going through a resistance, stamina or pressure test. In other words, pressure is being applied to every area of our lives and sometimes even our very being feels as if it’s going to pop. Is there anyone out there who can give an “Amen?”

Earthquakes of 8.9 in Japan and tsunamis to follow; Hurricane Irene 2011; deadly tornados in Alabama, Oklahoma, Mississippi, and Georgia, as well as quakes on the East Coast felt in Washington D.C., Virginia and Maryland.

Inflation is headed toward hyper inflation. There are government, and church scandals. Justice is a joke and financial institutions have become fraudulent and corrupt. Too many are still without meaningful, satisfying employment. The ability to live happy, fulfilled lives; forget about abundant lives, seems to be a fantasy or something someone touts to sell a book or seminar. Long-term relationships and friendships are coming to closure. Struggle, compromise and chaos have replaced ease of living, transparency, and accord.

There are lots of theories as to why, how come and what will culminate. I say time will tell. But, if I may share one word of thought with you today that one word would be HOPE. Again, I am not a woman who speaks from other’s experiences. I have experienced pain on magnitude levels—not glorifying my trials by any means. I believe my experiences have made me strong and powerful; but, even more importantly, I can stand in the face of any adversity, I can grab hands with a sister or a brother for that matter and say, “Hold on. You can make it. You will make it. I will help you make it.”

Now, if you read the post before, you’d understand there were times when I, myself, wanted to give up, pull the covers over my head and sleep right on out of this life. I have to also tell you it was the times when I had made huge demands of myself and the Universe, God. What I mean by this is when I had declared, “I AM standing on the promises.” Once I had made my personal, statements and spoken them aloud for days, and once I demanded change—positive change in my life, for my life, my own personal tornado seemed to take me up and throw me up against a tree several miles away. I just believe in keeping it real. But I wouldn’t give up. I kept believing and kept hoping. I kept seeing the possibilities.

Way deep down in the solace of my sprit when there were no words to speak, and my own sanity seemed questionable, and the conscious mind said, “give up,” there was always hope. Hope that somehow, somewhere God All Mighty would send me someone from somewhere to speak into my Spirit and help me remember. Hope I would rise up from my own personal bed of affliction and not just hobble but run. Hope the day would bring the promises of “Yea” and “Amen.” Hope that I would find the answers within to accomplish what He has declared about me and for me before the foundation of this earth was laid. Hope that mankind would somehow see what abundance, prosperity, and wealth lies around him making it needless to fight, compete, envy, and harm one another.

Hope has no limited time. Hope comes in all shapes and forms, colors and sizes. It shows up in a message on television, the radio or a billboard. Hope transmits in a phone call from a friend you haven’t spoken to in months. Hope believes, “In spite of what I see and hear, I AM routed and grounded. I AM focused. I AM capable and the evidence shall appear.”

Hope says, “I AM not forgotten.” Hope shouts, “Justice for all and justice will win.” Hope says, “Truth shall reign,” and Hope declares, “I don’t know how, and I don’t know when but I know!”

We live in a time when you need to know what is true for your own personal life. No one can lead you down their reality or their path and make it work for you. Your DNA is your DNA. What life has for you is what life has for you. Your reality and your truth is yours.

In spite of all the shaking, in the midst of all the negativity, in the realm of the impossible—keep hope at your center. It stems from your soul, shoots through the atmosphere and reaches into the galaxies only to radiate back into you. It is unlimited. It is perpetual. When you lose all hope, you become nothing more than a vapor, without purpose, passion, or ability. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12.

If you are drowning in a sea of hopelessness, remember this every day you open your eyes it’s a new day or opportunity, grace and mercy. Every day is a new beginning. In fact, I believe every moment is a new beginning. You don’t have to wait for 2012 or for someone to declare a special time in your life. You declare this day, this moment, this right now opportunity as your new beginning. Now!

Right here is an outreached hand waiting to grasp yours—ready to assist in pulling you into your incredible, marvelous, and glorious life. Here is a heart ready to beat with your heart if you are ready to welcome its truthful beat. Here is a word to encourage, motivate, inspire and help you find the magnificent God within if you are ready to embrace your marvelous change.

Love you.

Pamela

Pamela Chapman is Founder of iAscend Programs, an author and certified life coach who has worked extensively with victim services organizations and advocated for many years. She now spends her time writing and traveling, living each day as a new adventure! Her latest blog is You Are Not A Victim

What every person with a missing loved one must know...

2012-01-23T10:03:00.000-05:00

by Stephanie Thompson

I am writing this from my own experience, having been in that "world" for 6 years and having a resolution, although not the one I wanted. I also am in contact with other people who have missing loved ones. The following is a list of things that I see, looking back, that I wish I had known. They are also things that I see still happening to people right now. So here goes....

Be Cautious to whom you give your personal information

Just because a person joins searches for your loved one doesn't mean they get automatic "family" status. These people who so fervently insert themselves in your search can be overbearing and manipulative. It can be their way of getting some notoriety or getting to feel like they are contributing. The latter is not so bad, but still, be careful. If they know too much about you, it starts to crowd your personal life and give people access to places in your life they haven't earned.

There is some sort of "war" going on between some organizations that are supposed to be helping families

Stay away. If you have one Organization Director bad mouthing another... don't join in. Your focus should always be on your missing loved one and the facts. Period.

There are always people who want to poke holes in your story

Ignore them, and if they must have an answer, simply explain to them, that the story will constantly change and there is nothing you can do about it. People will always be giving you good/bad information and as a family member looking for a loved one, you will always want to check any info given. If someone else can't see the confusion of that, they should just be ignored.

Don't feel like you have to post your loved one's info on only one organization's site

You might feel like you "owe" someone loyalty in your search. You don't. They are in business to help you. If they make you feel indebted... then they are not doing their job correctly. I can't stress this enough. There are very many organizations out there and most work together, which is wonderful. But they mostly all have a different hook. One org does physical searches while another pays for them. One does Billboards and another helps with emotional support, etc. They are all equally fantastic and useful. So don't limit yourself out of a false sense of loyalty. Again, your focus is not their comfort, it should be on your loved one. They aren't going through the same thing as you are (well most of them aren't). I mean, if YOU were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want the family you are helping to get as much exposure and assistance as possible?

Don't allow your information to be repeated in an untruthful way

ALWAYS double check what an organization or news story wants to post about your story before printing. Press releases and Missing Person's posters should always include the facts and be spelled correctly with proficient grammar. No one will take a story seriously if a person can't take the time and respect to get the information right. You are not required to allow anyone to pass out incorrect information on your behalf. I had an instance where I talked to a woman on the phone who wanted to do a “press release”… I agreed to the facts, and she bent them to meet her media goals. Then she created a flyer that had my Mom’s name misspelled, the words were all over the page and the facts were very limited. When I asked her to fix it, she treated me like I was being ungrateful. And I fell for it….

Do not, under any circumstances, allow an organization to “nominate” you to be a volunteer for them

If you ask to be a volunteer, that is fantastic and this world could do with more of you. But when you are going through such a traumatic experience, the last thing you need to do on top of that is have to feel like you have to go out and search for everyone else. I know how harsh this sounds, so hear me out..... When you are working a full time job and taking care of your family, all while looking for your loved one, the last thing your heart needs is to be filled up with everyone else' searches. It is one thing to be an advocate and get others messages out. By all means, please and thank you. But to have to physically exhaust yourself over someone else' "nomination" is unfair and exploitative. Especially if you feel like you “owe” your service to them because they have helped you. Remember, they went into business to help people like you… They shouldn’t expect anything from you. You need to focus on your loved one.

Be gracious and kind without exhausting yourself

Folks need to be reassured that you are thankful for their help. You don't need to shower them with accolades or push their message to the media. A simple thank you is far more easy for someone in your situation to deliver than a grand gesture such as certificates, flowers and immense media coverage. It is exhausting and true souls will understand that and be grateful that you aren't getting over stressed to the point you can't focus on your loved one.

Give yourself a break

Not everyone is strong enough to take on such an endeavor.... You probably already know what I mean. You are probably the only person in your family fervently searching for your loved one. I have been there. I used to be so hard on myself and so angry at the rest of my family. Looking back, I had every right to be angry at them, but not so hard on myself. But my anger didn't get me anywhere and only made me feel worse. It didn't push any of them into action. Once I was able to accept that, I wasn’t so hard on myself. Unfortunately, my acceptance happened after my Mom was found. I wish I had thought of it when I was searching.

Do not let an Organization director or chairperson treat you badly

No matter what the circumstances are..... No one has a right to treat you like dirt, or call you names. No matter what. If this happens to you, don't engage. Don't reply. Send that information to the police and to everyone else that you have joint contact with. This person should be held accountable for their actions so that they won’t repeat them to others. There is never any instance where a professional should treat a victim's family members badly. Ever. You don't owe them anything and should not allow them to make you feel badly when you are already going through enough. Even if you started it, they should be professional and ignore it. You are going through a rough enough time and need understanding, not a meany beating you down. I am not saying you have a right to start stuff with someone, just saying that the professional should not allow for the conversation to progress. This should never be an issue, but sadly it is.

The MEDIA is a great tool

But don't let yourself become a mediamonger. A mediamonger is someone whose soul purpose is getting their story to the media, rather than actually looking for their loved one. When your goal is having your loved ones story be the most popular, you can lose a lot of valuable actual searching time. You need those minutes. Nancy Grace won't give you that time back, CNN certainly won't. When you worry more about the pose you are making in the picture, than if the truth of the message is getting to the targeted people (locals who might know something, law enforcement, and helpful organizations), then you need to take a minute, regroup and get back on task. If people recognize you more than your loved one... it's kinda messed up. Focus on the facts... Not the amount of hits your story gets.

You can take these tips or leave them. They are from my personal experience and had I known, I would have navigated the "scene" much better than I did. I would not have allowed myself the frustrations that I endured that I could have been placing on looking for my mother, rather than petting someone's ego or allowing things to happen because I was so desperate forr help.

I hope this helps some of you with what you might be struggling with inside, and not sure how to express it or handle it.

There are so many fantastic organizations out there and I hope you can get all of the help that is available to make your journey easier on you. I also hope that you remember this is not about anyone else, but your loved one. If you keep your focus you will be ok. Good Luck.

Stephanie Thompson is the daughter of missing Catherine Lique. Catherine went missing in 2003, her remains were found in the California desert in 2008, and positively identified through DNA over a year later.

Editor's note: This article in no way reflects upon any particular missing persons organization, website or support group, but is meant to bring unity between families and the organizations that serve them.

National Organization for Men Against Sexism Supports Protective Mothers

2012-01-20T08:18:00.001-05:00

By Barry Goldstein

Introduction

The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) started 36 years ago as a pro-feminist, anti-racist, gay affirmative organization dedicated to supporting positive changes for men. It is open to men and women and strives to be considered as an ally by women. We believe this is especially important in the context of the widespread attempt by male supremacist groups to create the illusion that they speak for all men, or all fathers, instead of the narrow group of abusers they actually represent and support.

For thousands of years women have been treated as the property of their husbands and society tolerated and in many ways encouraged men’s control and mistreatment of their partners. Consider that the first law in the United States to address what we now refer to as domestic violence prohibited husbands from beating their wives—ON SUNDAY. The rule of thumb was a reform created to protect wives by forbidding husbands from beating their wives with an object thicker than their thumb. These laws were not forbidding men from beating their wives but only limiting when and how they assaulted them. Until 1976, every state made an exception to their rape laws to permit husbands to rape their wives, and this was not banned in every state until 1993.

The modern movement to end men’s violence against women began in the mid to late 1970s. This resulted in some reforms that made it easier for women to obtain protective orders, divorce, criminal prosecution, financial support, shelter and community support. These reforms made it easier for women to leave their abusers and in turn resulted in a significant reduction in domestic violence homicide. Interestingly, most of the lives saved were those of abusive men, as women were less likely to believe that the only way she could escape was, to kill her abuser. The Quincy Model (Quincy, MA created a successful approach to domestic violence that required strict enforcement of laws, restraining orders and probation conditions) included strong support to make it easier for women to leave resulting in a dramatic reduction in domestic violence homicide.

These reforms did not provide women with equal rights or protections, but even these reforms were too much for abusive men who continued to believe they were entitled to control their partners and make the major decisions in the relationship. They came together in male supremacist groups, complaining that women were being given too much power or even pretending women had more power than men. They developed an unspeakably cruel tactic in order to reclaim what they believe is their right to control their partners and prevent them from leaving. The tactic was to demand custody of the children despite their limited child care during the relationship, as a way to pressure their partners to return or punish them for leaving. They also developed many strategies to win these disputes including the development of unscientific theories (PAS) and support of a cottage industry of biased and unethical professionals that supported approaches and practices that benefited abusive fathers. The professionals found they increased their incomes by supporting abusive fathers who usually controlled the family finances.

The goals of these abuser rights groups are to eliminate child support, undermine laws against domestic violence and in some cases to permit sex between adults and children. These objectives would not go over too well with judges or legislators so they chose to conceal their purpose in an attempt to manipulate the media, courts and legislators. They started this manipulation by calling themselves “fathers’ rights” groups even though men and fathers have a long and continued history of enjoying substantially more rights than women and mothers. Most fathers love their children and would not support approaches so clearly harmful to children, but when good men fail to challenge the extremists involved in the male supremacist movement they can be successful in creating the illusion that they speak for most men and fathers. They have also done an effective job in covering up the extreme nature of their demands with benign sounding requests like “friendly parent,” shared parenting, treating parents equally (they leave off regardless of past parenting) and arguments that children need both parents in their lives (and then we see abusive fathers remove mothers from the children’s lives as soon as the courts give them control).

Long before I joined NOMAS, they were speaking up on behalf of protective mothers. I am now co-chair of the child custody task force with Jack Straton, but Jack was the chair for many years before my involvement. Jack wrote some wonderful articles supporting protective mothers and challenging the value of shared parenting. He also wrote an amicus brief for a case supporting a protective mom. Accordingly when I joined NOMAS there was no need to persuade the council of the need to support protective mothers.

At my first NOMAS Conference I agreed to present a workshop with Ben Atherton-Zeman about the role of men in supporting protective mothers. Protective mothers are the experts on this subject so it was important that we ask them what they would want men to do rather than decide for ourselves. We sent out a request for suggestions to a list serve supporting protective mothers and received many wonderful suggestions that became the basis for our presentation and an article on the NOMAS web site.
Throughout my time with NOMAS they have enthusiastically supported everything I have asked for on behalf of protective mothers. We passed a resolution supporting protective moms and asked men’s groups around the world to join. Several responded with their support. We have co-sponsored the Battered Mothers Custody Conference the last three years and will be co-sponsoring the NCADV conference for the second time this July in Denver. We have also signed on to letters and amicus briefs on behalf of protective mothers. In March of 2011 the office on Violence Against Women in the Justice Department invited a group of a dozen of the leading experts in the country to speak about the crisis in the custody court system. I was honored to be among the experts asked to present and specifically mentioned my involvement with NOMAS.

We believe this is particularly important because of the success abuser rights groups have had in manipulating courts, legislatures and the media to believe they speak for all or most men and fathers. In reality they represent the most extreme abusers and speak only for themselves. We want the government and others to know that most good men and fathers want to see children protected from abusers and certainly would not support the loonies who are part of the male supremacist movement. We particularly want the courts to understand that the professionals who are part of the cottage industry supporting abusive fathers do so because it is the best way for them to make large incomes and should never be considered neutral professionals or appointed as GALs, evaluators and any other position the court would rely on.

The NOMAS Approach and Perspective

NOMAS Council meetings are particularly interesting because they are based upon our perspective and we take our goal of acting in a non-oppressive manner very seriously. Towards the end of each meeting we have a process in which any member who is part of a marginalized group can point out any offensive statements or behavior from someone in a privileged group. This means that a person of color can discuss racist behavior, a woman could raise sexist behavior and someone from the gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT) community could object to heterosexist behavior.

This is not done in an accusatory or negative way, but rather in an informative and supportive manner. It is important to understand that we would define racism, sexism and other oppressions differently than they are understood by the general public. People usually become defensive when accused of racism or sexism because racism is viewed as the kind of extreme behavior we would associate with the Ku Klux Klan and sexism is often understood as extreme behavior such as sexual assault or offensive slurs. We believe oppression is far more subtle and good people can engage in offensive behavior without realizing they are doing so. Accordingly when someone from a marginalized group points out an offensive statement or behavior it is considered a gift because we would otherwise have been oblivious to our offense.

We are privileged to have two remarkable women with lengthy service to the battered women’s movement on our Council. Rose Garrity is the Executive Director of the New Hope Center and a former member of the NCADV Board of Directors. Phyllis B. Frank is the director and founder of the VCS Domestic Violence Program for Men which is the oldest batterer program in New York State and third oldest in the country. Phyllis and Rose have been instrumental in developing the New York Model for Batterer Programs. Phyllis has been a mentor for me these past twelve years and I have been privileged to attend weekly training led by Phyllis as part of my work as an instructor and later supervisor in the program. Phyllis and Rose help us to understand sexism and domestic violence in addition to their many other contributions.

We also have a process in which we remember past council members and others who have contributed to the work of NOMAS who have passed away. As a fairly new member to the council I have learned about some remarkable men and women. We speak of their contributions and in doing so are reminded of the context in which we continue their work.

There is also a process in which we express criticisms and appreciations regarding anything that may have happened in the meetings or conference. This is always done in a supportive way and reinforces our determination to act in a respectful manner. The appreciations help make sure we take the time to tell each other of the good things we admire in the other council members. I believe this helps us work in a more collegial and cooperative manner.

I have the opportunity to speak about current child custody issues when I make my report for the child custody task force. We also address these topics in discussing our conferences and other presentations. The council has always encouraged me to let protective mothers and organizations supporting them know that we are available to provide whatever assistance and support we can. We particularly want the public, courts and legislatures to know that good men and fathers support protective mothers.

The Importance of Oppression Theory

The men in the batterer program I teach initially do not understand why we are discussing racism or heterosexism in a class about domestic violence. The reason is that all of the oppressions are interconnected. We cannot end one oppression without ending all of them. Imagine a black man who hates racism because of the harm it causes him and wants to do whatever he can to end it, and then he mistreats his partner because of his sexism and in doing so helps maintain racism. Similarly a white woman who hates sexism because it undermines her life and safety, and wishes to do whatever she can to end sexism, and then she unconsciously engages in racism and in doing so she is helping to perpetuate sexism.

This tendency to undermine our own best interests by supporting some of the oppressions is not accident but part of the plan to make it work. Many of our actions supporting oppressions are unconscious. We have seen, for instance, local television newscasts provide disproportional coverage of crime stories and particularly ones in which black men are the alleged perpetrators. This continues even when the crime rate is down and results in whites fearing black men which in turn make it harder for them to obtain employment and other disadvantages.

Oppression theory refers to an arrangement in society in which one group is given unearned privileges over the other group, and is treated as being more valuable. Racism refers to the privileges of white people over people of color and sexism the advantages men are given over women. Other common examples of oppression are classism (rich over poor), heterosexism (heterosexuals over the GLBT community), ableism (able bodied people over the disabled), anti-semitism (Christians over Jews, but also applies to other religions) and there are others.

The disadvantage refers to the structure of society rather than other aspects of a disadvantage. Obviously the resources rich people have give them a large advantage, but the oppression of classism increases this advantage. This is why society focuses on explanations that blame the poor for their condition (i.e. laziness, bad character, stupidity) instead of societal obstructions such as poor education, lack of opportunity, health issues including lack of treatment, etc).. Obviously there are examples in which both explanations apply, but the tendency to blame the victim adds to the obstacles poor people face. Disabled people are disadvantaged by their physical condition but again this can be exacerbated by societal behavior. If a group of friends wish to go to a restaurant but cannot do so because the restaurant is not accessible, they will sometimes blame the fact that one of them is disabled instead of the restaurant for not providing the needed accessibility.

It is important to understand I am speaking of unearned privilege. A surgeon has the privilege of operating in a hospital that most other people do not have, but this is an earned privilege. The doctor had to obtain substantial education and training in order to qualify as a surgeon (of course the doctor may have had privileges that made it easier to access and afford the education and training). The men in the batterer program I instruct will sometimes complain of oppression when I enforce a rule or direct the discussion to consider our perspective. This is an earned privilege however; as I am required to receive weekly training in order to earn this privilege. When white people receive privileges based on racism or men based on sexism, this is an unearned privilege.

Sexism is fundamental to a discussion of domestic violence because sexism causes men to use abusive tactics against their partners. Contrary to popular misconceptions, men do not abuse their partners because of mental illness, substance abuse, anger management issues or the behavior of their partner. Sexism causes men to believe they are entitled to control their partner and make the major decisions in the relationship. They use domestic violence tactics to coerce their partners to accept their control and decisions. Unqualified mental health professionals without an understanding of domestic violence dynamics often make false and dangerous assumptions that the abuser will no longer pose a threat once the parties have separated. This contributes to the widespread failure to take domestic violence seriously.

The King Center in Atlanta is run by the family of Dr. Martin Luther King and highlights his life and work in the civil rights movement. They have an exhibit that tells the stories of people today continuing his work and significantly it shows activists working against many different oppressions. I particularly remember the story of a Russian woman who started the domestic violence movement in her country. Clearly the King Center understands the need to end all oppressions in order to end racism.

Oppression Causes Tremendous Loss of Opportunity

I sometimes use a song by Terry Cashman, “Now They’re Writing Songs” to promote a discussion in the batterer classes I teach. The men may wonder why I would be playing a song about baseball in a domestic violence class, but it makes the class more interesting and encourages a rich discussion. The song concerns the integration of baseball and particularly the role of Jackie Robinson. The song raises some wonderful issues for discussion such as the ability of Jackie Robinson to control his reaction in the face of unspeakable cruelty and disrespect that was far beyond what abusive men claim makes them lose control and abuse their partner. The integration of baseball was achieved not by some legislation, but by private behavior just as abusers continue to engage in controlling and criminal behavior despite a change in laws. Men in the program sometimes say that domestic violence is based on a belief system that will never change and yet there was a time when most white people thought major league baseball would never permit black ballplayers.

For purposes of this article, I want to focus on how the segregation of the major leagues and racism in general undermined the ability of people to reach their potential. This in turn made all of society poorer, financially and otherwise. In the song, Cashman points out that there might have been more Willie Mays’. By segregating baseball for so many years, the owners prevented most of the public from seeing the artistry and talents of so many other black baseball players. Significantly, the loss to society went far beyond missed pleasures.

Many black baseball players became heroes and role models for black children and this could have been impacting our society generations earlier. We cannot know how this might have changed some of their lives and what contributions they could have made to society. Some of these players would also have become heroes to white children which might have led to some of the reforms, integration and opportunities sooner than they occurred. Obviously we still have a long way to go to overcome the harm racism has caused, but we might have been further along the path to these improvements.

In the times we are speaking about, major league baseball players did not make much money because the owners controlled the players and free agency did not yet exist. Nevertheless, many of the players would have earned more money than they could otherwise earn. This would have helped their children receive a better education and other opportunities so they might have a better chance to reach their potential. The players might have been able to use their income from baseball to start small businesses that could have improved the economy in their communities. Again we can only imagine the financial and other benefits this would have provided.

The loss of potential from domestic violence is far more widespread than just affecting the direct victims. Obviously women murdered by their abusive partners never have an opportunity to reach their potential. Similarly, even survivors often fail to accomplish all they would have. This loss can be caused by interference in her career or education, denial of an opportunity to pursue her career, difficulty concentrating as a result of his abuse, direct interference with her employment or many other ways. We also know that children who witness domestic violence are far less likely to reach their potential. Abusers can’t reach their potential if they are in jail for their crimes, but even if they are never punished, the time wasted stalking and harassing their victim undermines their ability to be all they might have been. Since children who witness domestic violence are more likely to commit crimes against third parties, many of these victims will also be denied the opportunity to pursue their goals and accomplishments.

At the end of the song Cashman says he wishes there was something he could do to change what happened. This describes a sadness to the song because there is nothing anyone can do to eliminate the harm caused by the long time segregation in baseball. I often write about the crisis in the custody court system and tremendous harm it causes by continued use of outdated and discredited practices that harm women and children. This is different than the song because there is something we can do to change the harm caused by the use of flawed practices. It would be unspeakably sad if another singer many years from now sings about the harm caused by the broken custody court system and again says I wish there was something I could do to change it.

Oppression Creates Substantial Financial Losses to Society

As part of the research I did for my chapter about the approach to domestic violence in Quincy Massachusetts and Poughkeepsie, New York for the second volume of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY, I learned about the tremendous financial cost of tolerating domestic violence crimes. Just the additional health care costs amount to $750 billion. This is a higher estimate than many other studies because it looked at more than the immediate treatment of a wound inflicted by an abuser and considered the long term medical costs. Many diseases, including heart disease and cancer are caused or exacerbated by stress. There are few things more stressful than living with an abuser. Victims try to survive by self-medicating themselves and this later requires treatment for various addictions. Domestic violence also creates mental health problems such as depression and PTSD. Furthermore, children who witness domestic violence also have increased need for medical services.

Bill Delahunt, the district attorney who helped create the successful Quincy Model noticed that most of the men in the maximum security prison in his district had a history of witnessing domestic violence and/or being directly abused physically or sexually as a child. In other words domestic violence crimes are the cause of many other crimes committed against non-family members. Accordingly the financial cost to society of tolerating domestic violence crimes includes those crimes and many others committed by children who witnessed domestic violence crimes. When everything is considered, society spends over one trillion dollars every year as a result of criminal activity. Obviously if domestic violence crimes were eliminated it would not end all or even most crimes, but there would be a significant reduction. Conservatively it is reasonable to calculate that at least $200 billion is the result of domestic violence crimes.

The additional losses to business and the economy are even harder to calculate because we cannot know what an individual could have accomplished if she had not been undermined by society’s tolerance of domestic violence crime. We do know that billions are lost each year from absenteeism caused by domestic violence. More billions are lost in reduced productivity of the abuser and his victim. The larger amounts can only be estimated. What might victims, abusers, children witnessing domestic violence and third party victims have accomplished if they had not been undermined by domestic violence? Most would go to work, contribute to the economy and never be known except to family and friends. Some might have started businesses that employed many others. Others might have been teachers or worked in other professions that inspired still other people to make contributions to society. A few may have created new industries, important inventions, medical discoveries or become an important political leader. This loss of opportunity probably costs society at least hundreds of billions of dollars every year.

In my chapter I deliberately used a conservative figure and concluded the United States could save $500 billion every year by using the best practices we already know work to reduce domestic violence crimes. If we could end sexism, this would eliminate domestic violence and therefore society would gain over a trillion dollars every year. In other words just this one part of the cost of sexism costs each person in our society about $3,000 every year. That seems like a ridiculous amount of money to pay so that a group of abusive men can continue to abuse and control their partners.

Internalized Oppression

Racism, sexism and the system of oppression are not natural developments that were inevitable, but rather created by a small group of extremely wealthy, white, Christian, heterosexual and able-bodied men. They largely control the media and other places where the public receives information and messages. This means that those advantaged by each oppression and those harmed by it have heard the same misinformation throughout their lives. Accordingly, many members of marginalized groups have internalized the messages that work against them and thus are affected by internalized racism, sexism, etc.

This was reflected in a study by Drs. Kenneth and Mamie Clark that showed black children preferred white dolls over black dolls. This was an important part of the evidence in the groundbreaking Supreme Court case of Brown v. Board of Education that resulted in a court order to desegregate our nation’s schools. Similarly when we see women minimize their partner’s abuse or suggest that wife rape might be justified, because somehow husbands are entitled to sex with their wives even if she does not want to engage in a particular act, these are examples of internalized sexism. Members of the advantaged group often seek to use statements by members of the marginalized group based on internalized oppression as proof they are accepting of this mistreatment.

Reverse Oppression

At least since some of the success from the civil rights movement, we have seen those who opposed any progress complain about “reverse discrimination.” Similarly we sometimes hear male supremacists complain that they are the victims of sexism and that women are being given all the advantages. The Supreme Court has even rendered misguided decisions supporting this kind of backlash. These arguments are based on a fundamental misperception about oppression and how it works.

Men who abuse women and other people who try to benefit from the various oppressions often seek to justify and keep their unearned privileges by discussing issues out of context. In some cases they may not even realize they are doing so. For instance when someone complains about an affirmative action program they limit their discussion to how that one program makes it harder for them but fail to consider all the other benefits they receive because they are part of an unfairly advantaged group. We have seen studies where applicants for jobs submit similar resumes but some with names that sound like they are white and others that sound like they are black. Those with white sounding names were far more likely to obtain interviews and employment. A program that makes it easier for blacks to be hired reduces that unearned advantage white people have, but the net result continues to be a tremendous advantage for white people. It is the reduction of that advantage that is misunderstood as if it were reverse discrimination. Similarly, we live in a sexist society in which women are expected and often forced to provide most of the child care. The research is clear that children benefit from living with their primary attachment figure. They are more likely to suffer depression, low-self-esteem and to commit suicide when older if separated from their primary attachment figure. Nevertheless fathers claim it would give mothers an unfair advantage if they were favored for custody because the mother did most of the child care and their children need them more. Of course male supremacists don’t phrase the issue quite that accurately.

Conclusion

Promoting the well-being of men is among the goals NOMAS seeks to accomplish. We believe this can best be done with a pro-feminist, anti-oppression approach. The male supremacist groups routinely use feminism as a pejorative and have made severe and unreasoned personal attacks against members of the NOMAS’ Council in response to our support of protective mothers. They view us as traitors for supporting women and don’t understand that ending domestic violence and sexism would also benefit men.

Imagine what would happen if we approach men and made the following offer. If you will stop all coercive and controlling tactics against your intimate partner(s) and treat her respectfully you will receive $200,000. This is based on my research on the Quincy Model which shows we all pay $3,000 per year in order to continue tolerating men’s abuse of women. If someone lives for seventy years they would gain $210,000. In reality the benefit would be more because there are additional benefits such as improvements in the education system as children could learn better when not impacted by their fathers’ abuse. I believe most men would take this deal and I like making the offer because few men understand the harm their domestic violence is causing to men.

The financial impact of domestic violence is by far not the most important harm it creates. Men’s abuse of their intimate partners takes lives and routinely destroys the quality of so many other lives. Men would find that their relationships are so much more satisfying and enjoyable when based on equality and mutual respect. Sexual relations are so much more pleasurable when it is based on giving each other pleasure rather than pressuring a partner to do what you want.

One of the important lessons from the Quincy Model and a centerpiece of their approach was the importance of helping women leave their abusers. The custody courts by accepting misinformation that seeks to label contested custody as “high conflict” when they are mostly domestic violence cases, have failed to understand the motivation of fathers seeking custody despite little prior involvement with parenting their children. The purpose of abusive fathers seeking custody is to prevent or punish women for leaving him. In other words they are seeking to create a result that undermines approaches that have been shown to save lives and we now know would also save money. It is in this context that it is so important for NOMAS to take the strongest possible stand in support of protective mothers.

The financial benefits of ending domestic violence, while not the most important issue, is exciting because it will create a strong incentive for politicians, business and the public to make ending domestic violence a priority. NOMAS looks forward to working with and supporting protective mothers to reform the broken system. I hope protective mothers will contact us when you need to let the powers that be know that good men are on the side of protective mothers.

CHANGE…You can’t live with it you can’t live without it!

2012-01-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

By Jillian Maas Backman

There is nothing more attractive and comforting than to cross paths with a person who is sure of themselves moving forward into the future. Whether you agree with their individual perspective or not, they know who they are and not afraid to show it. They feel free to stand philosophically naked and proud in a quiet stance of sureness among others. They hold no desire to be forceful nor boastful with their opinions or interested in persuading others to sense life as they do. They have mastered the artful dance of poetic change with dignity.

Keep in mind these people did not start out this way. They evolved like the rest of us from trial and error creating change along the way as needed. In the December blog post, I suggested everyone transpose resolutions unto old roadmaps. I wanted to demonstrate there are dozens of paths open to reaching goals.

People spend too much energy researching the quickest and easiest course to help them avoid a longer route with detours and road construction. These hurdles on the road could slow one down and force changes to well-designed plan. Even worse, this might require a shift in direction, thus, delaying the gratification of winning at the end. This is how many people tackle resolutions and change. They see the detours as problems rather than missed opportunities for change. They refuse to take an honest look at the bumps on the road in front of them. Oblivious to the fact the roadblocks may be a signal of larger problems in your life and not “coincidental chances.” In fact, it may be nature’s way of telling one to slow down, re-calibrate your route, change and adapt.

CHANGE ALREADY…your future, your choice!

Lesson One: Know when to toughen up or tone it down.

Life has a tendency to get boring without change. There are certain tasks we all must do each day. Routines one must complete to maintain a certain level of wellness. Feed ourselves, brush our teeth and letting the doggie out to go potty. It is the in-between down times in our day we can control and let the imagination go wild with possibilities. Possibilities that are obtainable if one is willing to leave personal comfort behind and seek new ways of transforming them into reality. This is how to keep the mind fresh, chippy and geared up for new changing cycles.

The word “change” can make some people weak in the knees and sick to their stomach with just the thought of modifying personal growth. Their minds go into a tailspin with the idea of making mistakes and being ridiculed by others. They end up recoiling from change and living with less to avoid the risks it takes to obtain greater happiness. Their fears forbid them from trying anything new. The only way change happens for these folks are from outside pressure from others. They go through life like an unfinished soul frightened by their own reflective shadow of success.

Some are “change-junkies,” finding intense boredom in status-quo and insist on constant change at all time. Acting out the motto of doing something is better than doing nothing! They end up repeating the same old patterns because they are addicted to the “high” feelings one can instantly get from spontaneous change rather than waiting for the calm that comes from well thought out methodical changes.

The majority of us function in the middle somewhere. Ready for change but not sure where to start and how to finish.

Change will come if you get to know yourself first. Start with this statement: Does my New Year's Resolution support who I am in this moment and who I aspire to become into the future. If you do not know the answer to who you are, at a minimum this will help you to define what that means to you.

Practice internal self-talk on a regular basis. All day long if you need it at first. Ask yourself this question. Am I aggressively going at change like a bulldozer, taking down everything in its path? So focused on the goal at hand I am wastefully mulling down useful lessons of change along the way. It is awesome to be all-in for winning, but not at the expense of other people’s happiness. Make sure you temper your aspirations to stay in line with the task. Everyone will eventually reach a goal if they are willing have patience and do the work in logical steps. It does no one any good if you reach a goal and have alienated everyone in your inner circle to do so. You may reach the finish line but end up alone and no left to celebrate your achievements.

If you find yourself on the other side of this statement and need to toughen up to affect change, go slowly. Do not go from one extreme to the other, from quiet kitty to roaring tiger in one week. No one will believe you and it will not stick anyway. Embrace the power of change one situation at a time. Your inner strength will build fortitude and give you courage to eventually seek out change on your own accord without anyone’s approval. Be prepared for adversity. Some people thrive on the weaknesses of others. The relish in the fact that another human being cannot change without his or her permission. They depend on keeping these kind of people in a sick circle of round robin blame-game. Change for this kind of individual needs to work itself from the inside out. It is easier to change your internal self-talk first in this circumstances and actions second. No one can control the internal changes one can make because they are virtually impossible to detect from the outside world looking in. Believe me; changing internal thoughts will open the floodgates to new improved behaviors.

Change does not have to be difficult but it is necessary to grow.

In changing grace,

Jillian Maas Backman,

Jillian Maas Backman, Author, Beyond The Pews, Breaking With Traditions and Letting Go Religious Lockdown and host of the radio show, CHANGE ALREADY! www.jillianmaasbackman.com

Love Can Be Blind

2012-01-18T08:46:00.000-05:00

By Gaetane Borders

Take a moment and close your eyes. Just picture what it's like to spend 9 months anticipating the arrival of your newborn. Picture yourself buying baby furniture, onesies, and reading all the new mommy books you could buy. Then, picture this last scene...that hours after giving birth, the state takes custody of your newborn...simply because you are blind. This is exactly what happened in 2010 to Erika Johnson and Blake Sinnett of Missouri.

According reports, Johnson's first attempts at breast-feeding were clumsy. A nurse noticed that the baby's nostrils were covered by Johnson's breast. Johnson felt that something was wrong so she switched the baby to her other side....but not before the baby turned blue. Okay...Let me be the first to acknowledge just how serious this is. However, let me also share that my first attempts at nursing my 1st born were extremely clumsy! I was nervous and stressed...and it didn't help that my anti-breastfeeding mom stood over shouting "You're choking him!" (Insert strong Haitian accent) But I digress...

Reportedly, a nurse wrote in Johnson's chart: "The child is without proper custody, support or care due to both of (the) parents being blind, and they do not have specialized training to assist them." That's what it took to get the system involved. It would ultimately take 57 days before the young couple was allowed to reunite with their baby. The couple shared that they fielded questions from the social worker just as soon as the baby was born. Questions like... How could they take the baby's temperature? How would they get her to a doctor? Whatever solutions offered by the couple were not enough, and they were told that they would need 24-hour care by a sighted person at their apartment. However, the couple simply could not afford this type of assistance.

We live in a world where kids are abused, murdered, emotionally harmed, and molested by SIGHTED parents. Would my children be taken away from me if my husband and I suddenly lost our sight. What if both parents have amputated legs...or arms. You see where I'm going with this, right? Instead of breaking up the family, the state should have supported this young couple. Surely, they qualified for some kind of support!

Erika also appears to want to put this nightmarish ordeal behind her, saying, “I’m a forgiving person,” and added, "[My daughter] wasn't being abused or neglected, it was just because I was blind.” Her lawyer, agreed and stated "The real problem is not the physical loss of sight, it's the attitudes of the sighted public. It's an educational process." Indeed, it is.

It’s an educational process that would include making certain that people intervene at ALL times when there are signs of abuse and neglect. So often people look the other way and fail to protect children. In fact, just a few weeks ago 18-month-old Amir Jennings and his mother Zinah Jennings were reported missing by her parents. She later surfaced but has refused to tell authorities about her son’s whereabouts. There are some reports that indicate that she had been suffering from depression and had been physically abusive towards her son. Yet no one intervened.

These types of stories are numerous. That is why it troubled me so much to hear about something so horrible happened to this young couple who only wanted to love and care for their beautiful baby girl. I think Erika said it best when she told newspapers "I needed help as a new parent, but not as a blind parent."

Here is an online resource to better help understand why blindness, in and of itself, should not be considered a risk factor.

National Federation Of The Blind

Gaétane F. Borders is a School Psychologist and President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

“The Honeymooners” Was No Honeymoon… (When Nostalgia Is Not So Nice)

2012-01-16T08:57:00.000-05:00

By Donna R. Gore, M.A. "LadyJustice"

When television was in its infancy in the 1950’s, a show never to be missed was “The Honeymooners.” Ladyjustice was a young child and recalls the show to this day… However, in comparison to today’s “sophistication” and political correctness, this writer wonders how it achieved such popularity. Don’t say nostalgia, as if THAT can erase all past evil and chalk it up to, “It was an acceptable form of treatment between couples back then… “ When we apply what we know about domestic violence and intimate partner violence today, we should be horrified, shocked and dismayed at the treatment of women in the 1950’s and “wife as slave and one to be abused,” as portrayed in this classic comedy which all family members laughed at and looked forward to each week!

Yes, Ladyjustice can take a joke…at things that are truly funny… A review of many YouTube episodes revealed some funny stuff between Jackie Gleason and his sidekick, Art Carney. However, the married couple relationship can be viewed as “toxic” as Susan Murphy Milano frequently describes…. In fact Susan probably watched these shows too, as her own father was playing it out in real life each and every day! Such shows give evil people evil ideas….

The character of Ralph Kramden is a know- it- all bus driver, who gets involved in one get rich quick scheme after another who loves to dominate and bully his wife. In fact, it appears that his friendship with best friend Norton is far more “intimate” regarding personal closeness and compatibility than his wife Alice, the begrudging housewife/slave who serves “The Master.” Alice Kramden is your typical ‘50’s housewife, BUT, she is no pushover. She frequently stands up to her husband’s verbal, physical and psychological abuse. Writers for Wikipedia attempt to “explain away” his bad behavior by saying, “Ralph is very short tempered, frequently resorting to bellowing insults and hollow threats.” Well hidden beneath the many layers of bluster, however, is a soft hearted man who loves his wife….and is devoted to his best pal, Ed Norton.” How can we be so sure of this, Ladyjustice asks? We have a very insecure male who is barely scraping by to provide a living for his wife…Who is not at all ambitious, with the exception of lifting a fork…. His world revolves around bowling and he doesn’t appear to care about bettering his situation in real meaningful ways…. And so, he finds fault with everyone else.

How often has the character of Alice been frustrated, angry, in tears or wanted to run away from her apartment prison? Although we may not have seen blatant physical abuse, there was plenty of physical gesturing/threats, pounding on or throwing inanimate objects, screaming and verbal threats.

Ralph’s mother in law constantly reminds him of his weight and that he is a bad provider to her daughter. The character of Alice apparently studied to be a secretary prior to marrying Ralph. According to the storyline, she was one of 12 children with a father who never worked. ‘Talk about lost dreams and toxicity for these two characters caught up in the life within a Brooklyn tenement! This series was supposed to mirror the working class of the 1950’s and the way Jackie Gleason grew up. But, were the comparatively speaking “innocent 1950’s” really so bad? Was the working class so angry?

It appears to LadyJustice, that life in 2012 is a lot more complicated now, with far more sources of anger upon which the evildoers can blame their unacceptable and unlawful behavior….

The Evolution:

Historically, the start of the Honeymooners began as a six minute sketch on the DuMont Television Network and then as one of the featured sketches beginning in 1953 on the Jackie Gleason Show (a variety/comedy hour) moving to the CBS Network. The Gleason show was a rival for the ever popular, “I Love Lucy” show. Several actresses were considered for the Honeymooner’s co-staring wife role. However, some were blacklisted during the time of the McCarthy hearings. What an opportunity for Audrey Meadows… She sent Gleason her “wake up in the morning look” in a ripped housecoat when she was considered “too pretty” for the role. What out-of-the-box thinking! Jackie Gleason was paid a whopping $65,000 per episode increased to $70,000 during the second season. Audrey Meadows received $2,000 per week.

Other Characters:

The other two characters of the Honeymooners, included Ed Norton and skillfully portrayed by Art Carney and his wife, Trixie portrayed by Joyce Randolph, a relatively minor role. Ed Norton was your “average Joe” working in the New York City sewer system. He was goofy, yet affable and loyal to a fault to his friend, Ralph. Although his character supposedly went to typing school, “he didn’t like contained spaces.” He was proud to describe his job as, “A sub-supervisor in the subdivision of the department of sub-terranian sanitation. I just keep things moving.”

Trixie’s character was Alice’s best friend. She has a rather nebulous persona. However, written accounts say she used to be a burlesque dancer (which she denied).

Back to Intimate Partner Violence…

Ladyjustice reviewed about a dozen episodes of the Honeymooners on YouTube. Although the viewer can make the case that Alice was very capable of “giving it back to Ralph” with biting sarcasm, what would be the consequence if she had not stood up for herself? ‘Perhaps even worse… Would Ralph eventually follow through with his gesture “to the Moon” and make contact? You betcha!

On the other hand, being submissive and following an intimate partner’s demands to the letter in no way shape or form guarantees safety! So what’s a woman to do??? Anger and jealousy over “perceived infractions” will often continue to fuel the partner’s behavior. Alice does not have to do anything wrong in the eyes of the world. What Ralph perceives and does is what matters in the end with such toxic relationships.

A Few Examples of Ralph’s Verbal Abuse from Episodes of “The Honeymooners”

“Alice, you’re a riot…. I’d like to... (Waving fist); Boys and Girls Together episode;

“Just be careful Alice, Be careful… The life you save may be your own”; A Women’s Work is Never Done episode;

“Oh Boy, are you ‘gonna get yours… Just once… Pow” Peacemaker episode;

(Talking about not washing his bowling shirt or darning his socks) “… I’m gonna put in a new system right now. When I come home, if it isn’t done the way I say, you get one demerit. Do you know what happens to you when you get ten demerits…? A Woman’s Work is Never Done episode

Examples of Abuse Noted in Ralph’s Behaviors (From Susan Murphy Milano Time’s Up Book)

Emotional Abuse

You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”

They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.

They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.

They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that you’re mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.

They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Intimidation

They use “those looks” or the inflection in their voice to illicit fear.

They disregard your personal space, or use posturing techniques to intensify your fear, therefore making it easier for them to exert their authority over you.

They destroy, or threaten to destroy your property; especially items that they feel have sentimental value to you.

Isolation

They find fault in your friends and family and may even attempt to sabotage these relationships to further isolate you.

They limit your car activities by refusing to give you money for gas, pay for basic repairs, maintenance and upkeep or restrict your access to transportation.

They attempt to limit outside activities such as visiting family, getting involved with your children’s school, community functions, or attending religious services.

They dictate when and why you can leave the house, and make you account for your whereabouts at all times.

Dangerous Threats

Says “you will die” or be killed, “my words”, sooner or later, one way or the other you will vanish

Informs you he knows exactly when where and how you will die

Makes threats to kill all you (including children) of for causing so much anger to them

Makes statements such as “If you ever call the police or file for a court order and embarrass me you will die”

Tells you they will ruin and destroy you if you ever breathe a word to anyone

Is Ralph Kramden an Abuser?

Profile of an Abuser

The abuser can be a male or female. The abuser can be sweet, handsome and assuming to everyone, but you.

An abuser knows exactly how to manipulate all types of situations.

An abuser is the most generous and helpful person to the neighbor, your family, and friends. If you tell anyone you are being abused it is not likely you will be believed.

When you are or were dating you thought it was “special” that this person was jealous of anyone who approached. Thinking how lucky you were until you moved in with them or married and the jealously turned into anger and rage, chances are you love this guy with all your heart and yet they still accuse you of having “secret affairs” or relationships with everyone else but, them.

The abuser is very insecure.

The abuser constantly questions your loyalty to them, the children and having a future together.

The abuser is clever at showing sincere intentions, but often has other motives

The abuser hurts or destroys family pets.

Jekyll and Hyde personality, they can be sweet one day and angry and violent the next.

The abuser is clever at showing sincere intentions, but often has other motives.

If you are pregnant, the abuser can become upset with you and angry and may attempt to make you miscarry. Once the child is born you may not be allowed to run and comfort your baby. An abuser expects the same attention and or sexual intimacy prior to the pregnancy.

An abuser may be unusually rough or use measures of discipline far too extreme on your child.

An abuser does not have the ability to love another person, is very critical of others.

An abuser blames you for everything that goes wrong in their lives; their job, outside pressures, whatever it is, you are blamed. Regardless of the situation; it is always your fault.

An abuser denies hurting you, almost acting like it never even happened.

The abuser will make excuses for why they become angry or physically violent.

The abuser blames their drug and alcohol abuse on you or their parents.

The abuser believes in maintaining control over every aspect of their lives to the point of obsession, including monitoring activities of you and or the children.

The Teeter Totter Abuser – remember when you were a child playing at the park?

An Abuser rises you up and brings you down the same way as a teeter totter. One day they are driving you out of their lives saying things like “I have had it”, you are “worthless”

“I am leaving” to this is all “your fault” and beating you to “make you behave”. The next day they are rising you up high by apologizing, sending you flowers, a card. They may actually cry or beg you not to leave them. They say things like: “I am sorry”; “It will never happen again”; “Don't you understand how much I love you?” They bring you gifts, or suggest a romantic weekend away. Suddenly they act as if they worship the ground you walk on.

Tarzan Abuser- their attitude and behavior is no different than “Me, Tarzan” (as they beat their chest) meaning they are superior to you, they are the “provider.” To “You, Jane” follow my lead, do as I say, be their slave, wait on their every desire, you are the invisible less important person in the relationship.

An abuser has an important career in the public, people depend on them for answers, and the abusive person brings this attitude home with them.

Take this seriously… and do not let your kids watch “The Honeymooners.”

Parting Comments: Alice/Audrey Meadows: Audrey Meadows was a lot more savvy than Alice. She was the only actor on the series who requested financial compensation- residuals be written into her contract for the viewing of shows over time. In real life she served as Director of the First National Bank of Denver for 11 years – the first woman to hold such a position! She also was instrumental in the design of flight attendant uniforms and customer service policies at Continental Airlines (her late husband’s company).

Smart woman!!! She protected her financial interests and was a pioneer career woman too! “Ralph” would have been so jealous!

Please go to http://www.documenttheabuse.com/. It may help you… It will certainly help someone you know!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk.

Empowering Your Vagina

2012-01-13T08:05:00.000-05:00

Red Canna by Georgia O'Keeffe

By Diana May-Waldman

The title of this series reeks of something from the 1960 or 70s, but there seems to be a shift in what we have learned or have known to be true about our bodies and our vaginas. We seem to be moving backward when it comes to empowering ourselves as women and taking responsibility for our own bodies. And it is starting to scare the hell out of me.

I want to know why women are failing to use birth control? I want to know why women are having children with several different fathers? I want to know why people think the term, “baby mama” and “baby daddy” is appropriate?

Many people are surprised to learn that I am Pro-Life and not Pro choice. But, let me explain why. I am not saying that a woman should NOT have the right to seek an abortion. I am not a black and white thinker and I don’t think all situations are cut and dry. There are exceptions to most everything.

But, in most cases, we are NOT dogs that go around sniffing one another’s butts, then mounting.

I’d like to think we are more civilized than that and we know what we are doing.

We know, most of the time when we are planning on having sex with someone. It is our choice as women to choose who we want to have sex with. So, once we CHOOSE who we are going to engage in sexual intercourse with, our second choice is to CHOOSE our method of birth control. It is and always will be OUR responsibility to protect our own bodies.

If we fail to protect our own bodies, then we have an “OOPS.” An oops means that you failed to protect your body and now you are either pregnant or have a itchy, burning feeling down there. Straight up, no excuses, this means that YOU FAILED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN BODY.

I just thought we were smarter than that. But it happens.

What really irks me is when you, “Oops” again.

Yeah a second oops really gets my blood boiling. You oops again, this time with another man, now giving you two children from two different fathers. Yeah, yeah, it happens and it has become the norm.

But, why?

The 1960s and 70s were decades of advertised free love. It gave women the freedom to go out there and test the waters and not feel ashamed. Gone were the days of Catholic guilt and virgins.

But, why do we always seem to take everything to the extreme?

A friend of mine told me he found out that his 13 year daughter was having consensual sex.

Let’s be honest here—at 13 years old, I didn’t even have a period, I was just getting pubic hair and my breasts were mere buds. I am pretty sure that I was still jumping rope.

I just can’t imagine the responsibility of having sex at 13. And there is that key word. Responsibility. A 13 year old is NOT mature enough to take this kind of responsibility. It’s hard enough to get a 13 year old to do their homework.

At 13, I thought boys were interesting and I had crushes on boys, maybe even a “so-called boyfriend.”

But, my mother taught me better. She didn’t say it was a sin to have sex. She didn’t say only sluts let boys touch them. She flat out told me to have respect for my body and myself. She also said, “Everything comes in time. Don’t grow up to fast,” and she added, “Your first time should be special, because it is something you will always remember.”

Truth is, I am not just going to fuck any guy that comes down the pike. See, this is my vagina and my choice. If I don’t know where your junk has been, then you aren’t putting it into my vagina.

I have said this before and I will say it again, “Would you pick up a piece of unwrapped candy off the floor and put it in your mouth?”

You answer is probably, no.

See, I really do believe that my vagina is a sacred place. Yep, it’s lined in gold. It’s special. I’m special.

Now, if I choose to let you near my vagina, you need to know that there are rules.

1. My vagina hates bullshit and drama.

2. My vagina will NOT let your penis come to the party unwrapped unless I have established a relationship with you and I know your penis is clean and free from disease.

3. My vagina will be confident that I have taken care of birth control BEFORE I invite your penis to the party. Yes, you still have to bring the present wrapped and nine times out of ten, I will provide my OWN wrapping paper, because I don’t know the expiration date on yours.

4. My vagina will NOT under any circumstances let your penis ejaculate carelessly into it.

5. My vagina will not let your penis make an unplanned baby.

Now with that being said, ask yourself what is so hard about following these rules?

I don’t believe that women should have to be virgins. I believe women should know a little something-something and enjoy healthy, consensual sexual relations. But, when did the vagina become a free for all and when did it become so irresponsible? When did the vagina become so unimportant that it became a cum dumpster? Think about that?

I want us to empower our vaginas and respect ourselves. I want to stop seeing young girls with one or more babies. I want us to teach our daughters and youth how to protect themselves.

We live in a world where sex is plastered everywhere. From a young age our children are bombarded with sexual images and subtle messages about sex.

Music videos are filled with sexual images and messages and blatantly encourage girls to “shake it” in a way that makes them attractive to the male gender.

It is long overdue that sexuality and sex education should be continually taught to our children so they can make responsible and educated decisions about sex and fully understand the consequences.

We need to teach our daughters how to empower their vaginas.

Diana May-Waldman- Bureau Editor for Worldwide Hippies in Rochester NY. Diana is the author of A Woman’s Song. Her poetry in this book deals with the struggles facing all women and the many facets of being a woman in the world today. She is a strong women’s and children’s advocate. A true example of the Hippie movement's continuing growth and spirit.

At the University of Vermont: A Brother With a Problem

2012-01-11T08:50:00.000-05:00

Roger A. Canaff

It’s really not a secret: I have a pretty strong 'anima' or feminine side.

I don’t resent it. I think it’s made me a much more effective special victims prosecutor over the years. And in any event it’s who I am. My closest circle of male friends will readily confirm that I navigate those friendships more as if I were a spouse or partner than any sort of a “guy’s guy.” That can be frustrating for everyone involved. And of course, I have my professionally inspired inferences, which should and do make me more sensitive to things like rape culture, male privilege, and other issues faced by women and girls in ways that most men really can’t imagine. So yeah- I’m something of a woman trapped in man's body if you’re going to buy into a lot of generalizations about how women think and react, and what it means to be emotionally “feminine.”

So be it. Nevertheless, I’m a straight guy and generally typical where sexual fantasizing is concerned. So shameful or not, tasteless or not, over the years and at every social stage of my life, I'll readily admit that I’ve taken some part in the game of “Hey man, who would you sleep with in [insert environment here]?”

And believe me, it can be any environment. And it is every environment, at least where members of the opposite sex are even remotely observable. A high school Spanish class. A summer camp. A basic training unit, an introductory psychology course, the 5th floor of a dorm, an office mail room, the accounting department, the DNA lab, etc, etc, etc.

Yes, it’s tawdry. And utterly pointless. Regardless, it’s what men do. Gay men do it as well, and sometimes in mixed groups we’ll all play the game, with the gay guys making their own considered judgments about men, and often commenting with high degrees of validity on women as well.

For most of us, this stupid tradition begins innocently, scattered across that late elementary to middle or junior high school period where girls become suddenly and then perpetually interesting (and of course, for homosexual boys it really can’t begin until they find themselves in much more progressive environments then the kind I came up in). So it might start in 5th grade or thereabouts with “who would you want to see without her clothes on?” But it quickly progresses to more imaginative and specific scenarios, and it never really stops. It’s far from angelic, often inaccurate, and always objectifying. It’s wrong and I won’t make excuses for it.

I’ll also note that, regardless of what I do and who I am or profess to be, I’ve played the game in places that are hardly feminist enclaves. I’ve played it in warehouses, on airport tarmacs and construction sites where I worked for years before entering professional life. I’ve played it in countless police cars, detective squad rooms, bars, diners and alleyways, passing the time for various reasons and waiting for something to happen. I’ve played it with men educated and not, supposedly enlightened and not, gentle and not.

What I’ve never, ever heard in roughly 35 years is any man, anywhere, ask “so if you could rape someone, who would it be?”

It’s true: That cyber-blessed term “WTF” was honestly coined for such an abomination.

There are variations of this game I will remove myself from or avoid if I detect cruelty or a line I just don’t feel comfortable crossing. But no guy in my experience has ever even approached the idea of rape. Ever. If I could rape someone, who would it be? Even writing that out makes me cringe.

So “WTF” the fraternity brother at the University of Vermont was thinking when he added that to the lets-get-know-each-other ‘new brother questionnaire’ is worth exploring. And I mean between him and a good mental health provider. Because it’s more than just tasteless; it’s downright scary. Perhaps the guy who wrote this and anyone else at this chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon who deemed it acceptable is just remarkably awkward and clumsy with word choice. But I’ll vote for disordered. The word “rape” is one of the ugliest in our language. It’s mono-syllabic, blunt, and shocking. It’s supposed to be. While it usually doesn’t involve these things, it conjures in most minds gratuitous violence, torn clothing, screaming, and injury. It at least evokes- as it should- terror and a life-altering, shattering experience of trauma on the part of the victim. So how it could be in any way confused with the desire to engage with someone sexually is beyond me. There are psychological and legal terms for men who only or primarily respond to non-consensual sexual situations. If that’s the case with the questionnaire author or authors, then those who share their environment should know about it.

I'm glad that (at least) there's been a tremendous backlash at UVM and an appropriate student response to the leaked document. I hope this gratifying response lingers after the dust settles, and that male and female students in this well-loved college environment continue to reject the idea of anything like this in their midst. Because it’s more than just disgusting. It’s dangerous.

A widely known child protection and anti-violence against women advocate, legal expert, author and public speaker, Roger Canaff has devoted his legal career to the eradication of violence against women and children.

Roger Canaff: Anti-Violence Advocate, Child Protection Specialist, Legal Expert Blog: WCSV (Women, Children, Sex, Violence: Outcry, Analysis, Discussion) www.rogercanaff.com

When the Ski Slopes Became Heated:Can Friends be Abusive?

2012-01-09T11:20:00.000-05:00

By Charles Moncrief

As 2012 opens with its vast opportunities to battle the potential and actual injustices of family relationships, I wanted to start out by sharing what in my opinion was a perfect example of abuse with which to end our most immediate trip around the sun. This story is as told to me by “Dr. Tom”, a co-worker at my weekday job. I'm telling this with Dr. Tom’s permission.

After job-hunting for more than two years, Tom joined our Internet Catalog Sales team about six months ago. He wasn’t a doctor then, but that changed soon after he started; following a fourteen-year delay, a prestigious New England school conferred his degree. The Department of Defense couldn’t understand what they were reading in his dissertation on particle physics, so they classified it Top Secret and blocked its publication. No PhD until either the DoD figured out what Tom wrote, or until their experts decided to declassify his material, whichever came first. After nearly a decade and a half, they declassified Tom’s topic. So now, since he calls me “Father Charles”, it’s only fitting that I should call him “Doctor Tom”.

And since the particles of interest to Dr. Tom are in outer space, I can truly say that now I work with a rocket scientist.

While this introduction alone could be a good story of abuse in itself, it’s not my topic here. Rather, the topic is Dr. Tom’s long weekend ski trip to Winter Park with his girlfriend Crys. Since Crys’ birthday was on New Year’s Eve, the two of them looked forward to a wonderful holiday vacation trip. As is often the case, the dream vacation had a rude awakening.

Plans started on an upbeat note when a friend who lives in Colorado called Dr. Tom and said that he and his wife were going to ring in the New Year in Paris. Would Dr. Tom and Crys be willing to house-sit for their friends in Winter Park, in exchange for free lodging near the ski slopes? Before consenting to the deal, Dr. Tom asked if Crys’ brother and sister-in-law could join them. The owner was willing, so the happy couple started making plans for a fun time at the slopes and a birthday (and New Year’s Eve) celebration at the top of the mountain.

Around mid-December Dr. Tom told us about the first glitch. Crys’ family couldn’t join them, but her co-worker just happened to be hanging loose and would be happy to join them. In return for the free lodging, Jean’s husband Brad would drive them up to Winter Park in his van. It’s an aggressive drive from Dallas to Winter Park, but achievable with an early enough morning departure and limited stops. So Brad and Jean were to pick them up in the dark of the morning.

On Thursday Brad and Jean pulled into Dr. Tom’s driveway at the expected time, but with an unexpected passenger manifest. Their two teenage boys were aboard, so would Dr. Tom and Crys mind having two more people share the living quarters? After all, the house sleeps eight. So the van took to the highway with six people aboard.

About two-thirds of the way to the ski area, Brad stopped to gas up his van. He gave Dr. Tom one of those looks (you know the look) that indicated he wasn’t expecting to pay for the gas. Well, fair is fair. After all, Brad was putting more than two thousand miles on the van, so why shouldn’t Dr. Tom kick in something to fill up the thing? Dr. Tom paid for the gas. And for food at the gas station’s convenience store while they were there.

Now I'm a little fuzzy on the details here, but somehow from out of nowhere two more members of Jean’s family showed up to join this group. Of course, since the house sleeps eight, this was workable. Who would let a mild irritation get in the way of a dream vacation?

When they arrived in Winter Park, the eight of them were tired. But not too tired for Brad, Jean, and the boys to stake out their claim to all the bedrooms. No problem, since Dr. Tom has slept on couches in living rooms many times in his life. Crys, however, didn’t like couches, so she put some blankets and sheets on the living room floor.

But sleep was not to come just yet. Brad, Jean, the boys, and the other family members were hungry. So as they rang up their groceries at the nearby store, Brad conveniently had left his credit card at the house. Of course, Dr. Tom was the gentleman! As a result, plenty of food was had by all.

Back at the house, two more people showed up. One of Jean’s cousins had flown in from Toronto and brought her teenage daughter. With judicious rearrangement of the quarters, the eight guests had their accommodations while Dr. Tom and Crys remained on the living room couch and floor.

The next morning, rested from the long drive (well, some of them were) and full of breakfast, they all went to the ski area. Tom rented his and Crys’ equipment, and proceeded to start a day of skiing. But wait! There’s more! Wasn’t Dr. Tom going to pay the rental for the other eight folks? Oh, an oversight which Dr. Tom’s credit card quickly corrected. Then came the lift tickets. $90 for the teens’ day passes, plus lift tickets for the adults in Brad’s and Jean’s family. But there’s still more, as Brad and Jean wanted season passes because they were planning to go back later in the winter for more skiing.

With everyone fed, equipped, and lifted, the day progressed. Dr. Tom and Crys shook off their guests’ arrogance and attacked the slopes with a vengeance until early afternoon when they broke for lunch. Strangely, all ten of them were ready for food at the same time, so Dr. Tom lived up to all their expectations. As they were walking outside to put their skis on, they noticed that the teenagers were no longer wearing ski boots. The kids said that they were through skiing for the day, after using their lift tickets only once. (At this point I'm amazed that there was no call to the ski patrol, to perform first aid on those teens! Or on their parents for allowing this abuse.) But Dr. Tom and Crys cooled down as they enjoyed the afternoon of skiing on Winter Park’s better slopes.

The evening was no better. Food and drinks for everyone in the house, even though the number had increased to eleven! When Dr. Tom saw the eleventh person, he asked “Who are you?” Number Eleven identified himself as the boyfriend of that Canadian woman who had joined the party with her daughter. Some more rearranging, and everyone had a place to sleep. (Dr. Tom and Crys, of course, were still on and beside the couch in the living room.)

Being a morning person, Dr. Tom was ready for vengeance. At sunrise the next morning he roused Brad out of bed and said he and Crys wanted a ride to the slopes. It was New Year’s Eve and it was Crys’ birthday, so they wanted to get as much skiing in as possible before coming back to the house and cleaning up for the party on the mountaintop. And since Brad’s truck was the only source of transportation, it was time for him to get up and do some driving! It didn’t work. Dr. Tom and Crys had to take a shuttle or a taxi to the slopes, and Brad’s bunch would meet them there later.

At noon, when Dr. Tom and Crys were at the top of the mountain, they received a call from Brad. It was time to come down to meet them at the lodge, because the kids needed lift tickets. And besides, it was lunchtime and they were hungry. Dr. Tom suggested that there are other ways for a person to get to the top of the mountain, and he suggested the alternative of hiking with the skis strapped to their backs. Of course, Brad and Jean had their season passes, so they were quite content to pass the advice along to the others in the party.

By the end of the day, Dr. Tom and Crys were too exhausted to party. As they were contemplating a quieter way to celebrate, including the alternative of renting a room somewhere else, Crys was almost asleep when Brad showed up and asked if they had $500. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! What in the world for? Brad and Jean had made nine reservations for the mountaintop, and they needed $55 apiece to pay for the tickets. Crys said to Dr. Tom, “Go to the nearest ATM, get the cash, and give it to them!” Not quite understanding why his girlfriend would say such a thing, Dr. Tom obeyed orders. It soon became obvious, even to a rocket scientist, why Crys had given the order. That evening the two of them were alone in the house. Crys said, “If it had been a THOUSAND dollars, I would have sent you to get it! All I wanted was to get them out of the house!” (We’ll leave the rest of the evening, with the clean sheets and blankets, to your imagination.)

New Year’s Day, Sunday, was another surprise. The Canadian woman asked if Dr. Tom would donate a few hundred to her church in Toronto. In cash, of course. When Dr. Tom refused, she took her daughter and returned to Canada. Her boyfriend mentioned that she didn’t feel appreciated, so she left. It seemed that things were starting to come unglued, so she didn’t want to be in a hostile environment. Besides, the rest of them would be leaving later in the day.

On the trip back Brad looked at his gas gauge and decided to fill up. Dr. Tom also looked at the gas gauge, it was two-thirds full. But Dr. Tom fulfilled his obligation to those people by paying for the final fill-up. And on Tuesday, when Dr. Tom came back to work, we were treated to one of the most amazing stories about how cheeky some people can get.

I hope you enjoyed this story. I wrote it from memory, and I've attempted to be accurate in describing this experience as it was shared. Both Crys and Dr. Tom are resilient, and they’re already finding humor in the events. In fact, they’ve consulted their Thesaurus for synonyms to the word “moocher” and are getting a lot of pleasure reflecting on the subtle differences that the Thesaurus provides.

Not everyone is as resilient as Dr. Tom and Crys. I'm not. And it would have taken me several months to find humor in all that went on. But maybe, as we get all full of stiffness during the year when we don’t like the abusive treatment that others dish out, maybe we can have a resource here. Maybe we can read a few of the atrocities that Dr. Tom and Crys went through. We can sigh and tell ourselves that the world has all kinds of people in it, and we can also determine that we won’t let such people ruin the gifts that we get every day.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Anglican Priest, Charles Moncrief, serves up the issues of the day on a platter mixed with scripture, seriousness, and a sense of humor to create a ministry founded in love for his fellow man.

“I’m an Anglican Priest, disguised as a geek during the week. It’s REALLY tough to change my costume, since phone booths are getting hard to find!”

"Attitude Adjustment"

2012-01-06T01:38:00.002-05:00

By Susan Murphy-Milano

"How many times do we have to mourn young women and young men. We never expect to be the one on the poster. I have lost friends and been what I thought at the time in Cassies position. We can mourn her but we really must remember there are still women and men out their in her place. We don't want to be there we want out. But who will be patient and wait and encourage us to be strong enough to leave. Leaving is a process that is harder than staying. I didn't know Cassie and my heart goes out to her family and friends. As much as we want to know if there was something that could have been done, remember that the only thing we can do is to help someone else. It is not fair that we give these abusers power. It is time to take back the power and think of our safety before we think of what could happen to the person who abuses the victim. May God Bless Cassie's friends and family with the courage to make a difference and not let her death be another win for domestic abusers."

The comment above was left yesterday on my blog. Cassie Leigh Cotta, 24 Fort Pierce, Arkansas was last seen on December 30, 2011. Her mother Pearl knew something was terribly wrong, especially when her daughter failed to show up at her job tending bar New Year's Eve. In addition, the media was all but ignoring the plea's of Cassie's mom until she literally went down to the stations and pleaded with the media to get the word out her daughter was missing. Likely ignored because Cassie did not fit the "pretty white clean cut cookie cutter image," for a news story.

In my opinion, it was all the more reason to have national coverage on this case. Cassie Leigh Cotta represented reality for others just like her in violent relationships. She believed her husband would change. Cassie loved him and thought she could handle the verbal and physical assaults. She never for a moment felt as if he would actually kill her. Yes, her husband was controlling and jealous but again Cassie was tough! But not strong enough when it came to her feelings for her husband. The couple would go back and forth, breaking-up to making-up, even with a court order of protection in place. Her relationship was toxic as hell. And without proper support and counseling to move forward, she was marked for death. Her husband could charm a snake out of spitting deadly venom. Like the majority of offenders he knew how to play the game. So much so that prior to him confessing to Cassie's murder on Tuesday, he was on searches, talking with media and consoling his mother-in-law.

The photo at the top is one of the few I could locate that does not show Cassie's tattoo's. It is also a picture that captures her beauty. As an observation, after the fact, if the family had used that photo perhaps the media would have done more to spread the word she was missing.

Instead, photo's of who Cassie Leigh was were used in the media and on her missing person poster. This is one flaw that must be corrected when it involves those who suddenly vanish. Especially in cases of Intimate Partner Homicide. When we try to sugar coat and put "pretty pictures" of those affected by crimes we play into the myth that violence only happens to "certain people." Or that a lifestyle choice dictates in the early hours of a reported missing person case who receives attention both from law enforcement and the media.

Cassie Leigh Cotta, tough as nails on the outside- warm sweet and wonderful on the inside. She used an art form to communicate her life; tattoos and body piercing. A victim of Intimate partner violence who would lose her life to a man hell bent on controlling her because she was finally working on ending the relationship.

The attitude adjustment in the general public is all of our responsibility. Abuse and staking is an epidemic with and without tattoos! Think this can't happen to you, or someone you hang with in the neighborhood?

I am sure if Cassie could speak to you she's say something like "Hey beyotch, pack your shit and crash someplace till you can figure out what to do. It ain't cool hear what I'm telling you-get the f.ing out ."

www.documenttheabuse.com

Susan Murphy Milano is a staff member of the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a educator and specialist with intimate partner violence prevention strategies directing prevention for high risk situations and cases.
A national trainer to law enforcement, training officers, prosecutors, judges, legislators, social service providers, healthcare professionals, victim advocates and the faith based community and author.. In partnership with Management Resources Ltd. of New York addressing prevention and solutions within the community to the workplace. Host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show,"Time's Up !" . She is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated "The Roth Show" with Dr Laurie Roth and a co-host onCrime Wire. Online contributions: Forbes : Crime, She Writes providing commentary about the hottest topics on crime, justice, and law from a woman’s perspective, as well as Time's Up! a blog which searches for solutions (SOS) for victims of crime

Venus: The Dark Side

2012-01-03T20:12:00.000-05:00

By Heidi Hiatt

In 2008, journalist and author Roy Sheppard and Mary Cleary, founder of the Amen network that helps male domestic violence victims, released a book on female predators that turned heads. Venus: The Dark Side shines light on the inner workings and tactics of, as Sheppard and Cleary put it, queens of manipulation and deceit. Having dealt with such women both in the workplace and on my own time, I was pleased to know that someone has finally written a book on female sociopaths and their cousins. I read it over a year ago and it’s been on my to-blog list ever since.

To quote from their introduction, the type of woman they are analyzing “…is prepared to hurt innocent men, women, and even children to get her own way. This ruthlessness takes the form of physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial abuse… Many are nothing short of domestic terrorists: Al Qaeda in high heels and lipstick… Nothing is ever their fault.” The authors claim that ever since they first shared the title of this book, stories of such women came pouring in from both sexes. I believe it because I’ve experienced and witnessed the wrath of these unbalanced cutthroats, particularly the type who ingratiate themselves to men and terrorize other women.

While the above description of low to no conscience female aggressors is refreshing, I was greatly disappointed that this definition was attached to the word bitch. I understand that the word bitch is commonly used to describe unbalanced, vindictive, and violent women. But I more commonly hear the word bitch used to describe a woman who is willing to stand up for herself, her beliefs, her family, and her self-respect. It is also a word that abusers use against their victims frequently. So I believe the word bitch is a poor choice because it can be twisted to mean whatever someone wants it to and is usually used in a vulgar, demeaning manner.

The book does a good job of detailing how manipulative women go about finding and taking advantage of their victims. On that note, Venus is a crash course in recognizing the vampires among us and what they can do to you once you’re hooked. Sheppard and Cleary note that sociopaths gravitate toward “nice people” and that being a nice person “is seen as a character weakness to be exploited.”

From experience I know that these vampires are empty inside and they are drawn to nice, giving, successful people because they want to take from them what they themselves lack. Nice people are ultimately filling stations on the road to life for these dark souls. As the book put it, “men and women with no conscience prey on those with too much conscience.” They will gladly take your virginity, property, time, money, and any number of other things you hold precious and walk off with them as if nothing has happened.

I appreciate how the authors delve into some common tactics of female sociopaths, such as creating the illusion of intimacy quickly, how they will gladly steal their best friend’s boyfriend to feel desirable, and how they seek positions of authority so that others won’t challenge them. They are adept are using sympathy to gain footholds in others’ lives and make them dance like puppets. Such women may choose their victims based on status or wealth or because they know that the victim is unlikely to fight back. Sheppard and Cleary say, “Because she has no conscience, remorse, guilt, or shame, she will use others mercilessly, ruthlessly, and callously to get what she wants. If this involves bullying or humiliation, so be it.”

The most useful chapter in this book is chapter four, The Psychologies of Malice. The beauty of psychology is that by classifying human illnesses and disorders, you have more clout to deal with them and treat them. When you can name your opponent, you have far more power over them than when you are flailing wildly at an anonymous enemy. This is because others have written guidelines on how to help people with such issues and protect yourself from any fallout. Chapter four discusses borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities), sociopaths, psychopaths, and factitious disorder (Munchausen’s).

An aspect of this book that resonated with me was the discussion about what happens when you confront one of these dishonest, controlling vampires. I give Sheppard and Cleary a hearty amen for recognizing that our society allows such people to get away with their behavior because it’s easier to shrink away from the abuse than confront it, displacing the aggressor’s behavior onto her next victim. We are afraid to rock the boat, of being pushed out of others’ lives, of retaliation, and of the libel and slander that fall like acid rain when we take a stand against this kind of evil. From experience I can say that such women will stop at nothing to cover up what they’ve done and punish anyone who has the understanding or courage to expose them.

Despite its useful information on identifying dark souls in female form, this book has more drawbacks than its choice of b-word terminology. Even though the authors’ intentions are to protect people from sham marriages, they seem to forget that when you’re married, you’re supposed to share. Marriage and divorce are treated rather casually here. This may be because divorce is so common in our society and the line between living together and married has been blurred.

The text is heavy on protecting yourself and your assets and practicing strategies to outwit an abusive woman. I am a firm believer in prenuptial agreements and do believe in being prepared. However, there are parts in the book that seem to be teaching men to manipulate just as the authors scold women for doing. One section says, “…be seen to earn less, or decide to work fewer days in order to look after your children.” This is bordering on if not practicing the “maintaining appearances” tactic that the authors speak out against.

An unfortunate and unintended side effect of a book like this is that it could help abusers be better abusers. Sociopaths instinctively adapt to survive, and reading a dissection of their own behavior may influence them to get more creative. If you are at war, and your enemy finds out that you know what their next move is, they’ll try something different to bamboozle you. It is more important to educate the public about sociopaths than worry what one might do with the material though. I also caution that this book may inadvertently perpetuate the erroneous belief that if you are dealing with a woman like this, nothing is wrong with you. You might be just as bad as she is, or your abuse may have led her down the road to desperation or a personality disorder.

It should also be noted that women make false allegations of abuse much less often than the general public thinks they do. Yes, it does happen, and we should ask what that woman has to gain or lose if we are questioning the validity of such accusations. Real victims of domestic violence and sexual assault often risk losing financial support, a place to live, their personal safety, their jobs, their reputation, and other major components of their lives by standing up for themselves. False allegations can result in the target, not the alleged victim, losing those things.

It is very important that this book discusses domestic violence against men as there is little funding for and awareness of this issue. Sometimes domestic violence against men is treated like a joke, as if men can’t be abused when they’re “bigger and stronger.” It’s useful to remember that domestic violence takes many forms, including psychological. While modern statistics claim that men are more physically violent towards their partners, some in the psychology realm believe that women are more relationally aggressive. Women, smaller or not, can inflict all kinds of mayhem on a victim’s life for the sake of power and control, which is at the root of domestic violence.

I commend this book for being bold and trying to get the truth on female sociopaths out to the masses. I frown upon the book’s terminology, its level of emphasis on happiness to gauge whether to stay in a relationship, and the possibility that it has fueled myths about false allegations. As thrilled as I was to see a book on female vampires hit the market, and I applaud the level of detail the authors go into in the interest of protecting victims, I’d still advise people to check out Sandra L. Brown’s Women Who Love Psychopaths. This is because the information Brown provides in that book can apply to both sexes. It breaks it down into easy to understand components that are written in a calmer tone.

For victims of domestic violence, including male victims, I’d recommend Susan Murphy Milano’s roadmap to getting out of an abusive relationship, Time’s Up: A Guide On How To Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. Violence against men is real and it can be deadly. Some men feel less than manly if they admit they’ve been abused, and they should never be ashamed to remove themselves, their children, and their pets from a dangerous situation. If you wish to read a previous blurb on men and domestic violence, go tohttp://wildninja.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/men-and-domestic-violence/. Overall Venus is a good read, and it should be read with a wary eye so that the bits that veer towards the biased or unbiblical will be noticed.

Skimming the Las Vegas Casinos - Part II

2012-01-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

By Dennis Griffin

This is the second of a three-part series explaining how organized crime families skimmed money from several Las Vegas casinos in the 1970s and '80s, and how the law eventually brought them down. Read PART I HERE

The Tropicana

This case also involves the Teamster pension fund. But unlike Argent, it was a loan not granted that paved the way for Kansas City to take control of the casino and launch another skimming operation. It began in 1975 when Joe Agosto, an affiliate of Nick Civella’s Kansas City family, made a move to gain influence at the Tropicana.

Agosto was born Vincenzo Pianetti in 1927. Information on his early years is vague. There are even conflicting reports as to exactly where he was born, whether in Italy or Cleveland. Whichever the case, Agosto ended up in Seattle and eventually Las Vegas. He got his foot in the door at the Trop by assuming the title of manager of the Folies Bergėre show. The hotel didn’t employ him, however; he was an employee of the production company.

That April, the U.S. Immigration Service arrested Agosto as an illegal alien. He quickly obtained the services of Oscar Goodman and beat the immigration charge. Clear of that, he began conspiring with Nick Civella on how he could best infiltrate the financially troubled casino and protect himself from outside interference. Agosto, with Civella’s backing and support, proceeded with his plans to gain influence over the Doumani brothers, owners of the Tropicana. In conjunction with that goal, a loan application by the Tropicana pending before the Teamster Central States Pension Fund was denied, easily delivered by Civella’s friend Roy Williams. With their financial lifeline off the table, the Doumanis were susceptible to Agosto’s overtures, and he soon had a voice in the Trop’s management and operations.

Agosto maintained regular contact with Carl DeLuna in order to provide reports on his progress and receive guidance. Kansas City, meanwhile, had a man they felt was able to set up and operate the skim. Carl Thomas was already licensed through his operation of the Bingo Palace and Slots-A-Fun casino, and was trusted by the Civella family. Following instructions, Agosto brought Thomas on board.

But late that year before the skim got off the ground, a snag developed that stalled the gangster’s plans for over two years. The cash-strapped hotel came under the control of a new majority owner when chemical heiress Mitzi Stauffer Briggs purchased 51% of the Trop’s stock. And right off the bat, Mitzi didn’t trust Agosto and curtailed his role in running the casino. That prompted an all-out effort by Agosto to gain her confidence. By 1977, he had succeeded and was effectively running the hotel and casino. Carl Thomas did his duty and designed the skim. At his suggestion, Agosto hired Donald Shepard as casino manager and Billy Caldwell as assistant manager.

In March 1978, Agosto and Thomas spoke with Nick Civella in Los Angeles. They announced that with their plans and personnel in place, they were ready to go. Civella gave his approval. The first $1,500 dollars was skimmed in April by Shepard and transported to Kansas City by Carl DeLuna. In May, Shepard hired Jay Gould as cashier to steal money directly from the cashier’s cage and falsify fill slips to account for the missing money. From June through October, Shepard, Caldwell, and Gould stole $40,000 per month and gave it to Agosto. The money was then passed on to a courier named Carl Caruso for transport to Kansas City. Caruso turned the loot over to Civella’s man, Charles Moretina.

Caruso made at least 18 trips between Las Vegas and Kansas City and was paid $1,000 after each delivery. Anthony Chiavola, Sr., Civella’s nephew and a Chicago police officer, assisted in the operation by getting Chicago’s share of the skim to Joe Aiuppa and underboss John Cerone.

The operation seemed to be perking right along, but in late September another potential problem arose. Agosto and the Civellas became suspicious that Shepard or his subordinates might be doing some unauthorized skimming. At Agosto’s suggestion, Nick Civella ordered the skimming suspended in November and December so that Carl Thomas could find out if someone was skimming the skim. Unfortunately for Agosto, Civella authorized a temporary halt in the stealing, but not in the payments to Kansas City. Since the problems had arisen on his watch, Agosto had to send the family $50,000 and $60,000 of his own money during the two months of downtime. But it wasn’t a total loss for Joe. He was later reimbursed $30,000, which Shepard pilfered from the Tropicana.

On November 26, Agosto and Thomas flew to Kansas City to meet with the Civellas and DeLuna. They explained that Thomas’ survey had been inconclusive, but they did have some ideas on improving the efficiency of the operation. Civella agreed that the skimming would resume in January.

The conspirators were unaware at the time that their homes and businesses were the subject of electronic and visual surveillance by the government. On February 14, 1979 — the same day Carl DeLuna’s home was raided — the FBI nabbed Caruso with $80,000 in skim money. The skimming of the Tropicana was over. Although the actual skim only occurred over a period of 11 months, during two of which the operation was suspended, the overall conspiracy to steal from the casino covered four years, from 1975 to 1979.

Nick Civella had an even more serious problem than the Tropicana investigation. The Kansas City boss had been convicted in 1975 on gambling charges unrelated to Las Vegas. After exhausting his appeals, he went to prison in 1977. He was given an early release 20 months later due to health problems: He had cancer. Shortly after getting out, he was indicted again for attempting to bribe a prison official in an effort to get favorable treatment for his nephew, who was incarcerated. Convicted in July 1980, he was sentenced to a four-year stretch. So Nick was already behind bars in November 1981 when he and ten others were indicted in the Tropicana case. His lawyer in that matter — Oscar Goodman — successfully got the charges against Nick severed from the other defendants on the basis of his client’s poor health. On March 1, 1983, with his physical condition rapidly deteriorating, Civella was released to his family so he could spend his final days at home. He died on March 12, having never faced justice in either the Tropicana or Argent cases.

The 10 remaining defendants stood trial in 1983. Three of them, Donald Shepard, Billy Caldwell, and Joe Agosto, entered guilty pleas prior to trial. As a part of his plea arrangement, Agosto became the government’s key witness. Carl Caruso pled guilty during the trial. And Peter Tamburello was acquitted. Carl Civella, Carl DeLuna (represented by Oscar Goodman), Charles Moretina, Anthony Chiavola, Sr., and Carl Thomas were all convicted.

In a memorandum to the judge regarding the case, prosecutors wrote, “These defendants have dealt a severe blow to the state and the industry and have made a mockery of the Nevada regulatory procedures.” At sentencing the judge dealt a severe blow to the defendants.

DeLuna was sentenced to 30 years, Civella got 35 years, Moretina was ordered to serve 20 years of incarceration followed by five years of probation, and Chiavola drew 15 years. Carl Thomas was initially sentenced to 15 years. That term was later reduced to two years when he agreed to be a cooperative government witness at the Argent trial.

Joe Agosto died shortly afterward of natural causes. As far as is known, neither the Doumani brothers nor Mitzi Briggs were aware of the skimming operation. Mitzi Briggs later went bankrupt.

The ensuing appeals filed by those convicted in both the Tropicana and Argent cases were unsuccessful.

Next: The Investigations in Las Vegas

Dennis Griffin is a True Crime Author, Co-Host of Crime Wire and MOB Talk on VegasKool.com. He has written several books concentrating on the mob presence in Las Vegas. www.dennisngriffin.com

2012: Clean the Slate and Move Forward

2011-12-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

By Jillian Maas Backman

As an intuitive writer I find it difficult to blog during this time of year and not succumb to the typical trap of penning about the New Year’s Resolution ritual. I too get quite bored with the scripted rhetoric on how to set goals and follow through. However, the forces within me cannot resist the urge to join the crowd and add my two cents to the pile. The truth of the matter is one can truly gain incredible transformations with a few minor adjustment to this yearly self-improvement project.

There is always exuberant energy surrounding the dawn of a crisp new year. We never know what surprises the universe has in store just around the corner. January 1, 2012 symbolically represents the kick-off day for starting anew. A proverbial clean slate, if you will. Giving us the ability to once again tap into an innate urge to explore unchartered territory for resolving past issues and finding new adventures. I often wonder to myself why does one person seize this formable opportunity with gusto and others knowingly decline?

Step One: Clean the Slate

I reported in my November blog post the energy of 2012 will support creative endeavors. Let your New Year’s Resolutions reflect this thrilling prospect by thinking outside your normal routine this year.

We all have re-occurring goals that seem to find themselves back on the list year after year. Goals that have not been met in the past and still haunt one’s future. Do not let yourself be trapped in a corner by this unfinished business. It is so easy to let one’s mind wander back to self-sabotaging thoughts that may have caused one to fail in the past. Do not begin this year with this same kind of hopeless internal talk.

Don’t allow your mind to peddle the bicycle backwards.

I know this analogy sounds ridiculous when talking about resolutions, but I cannot help myself. Human growth is about constant movement. Much like the act of riding a bicycle forward at all times. Every good ride starts with a definite beginning point to ride from and a pre-determined endpoint of destination. Without either, you may end up riding around in one big circle or simply give up and stop. Some can even end up peddling the bike backwards into a world filled with comfortable stagnation.

Stagnation can be an enemy.

For some odd reason some take great pride in their own stagnation. Find bragging rights to the fact they are doing and living the exact same way they did five years ago. The furniture in their homes has not moved from their position since they moved in. Having the same friends and doing the same weekend activities year after year without pause. This can be comforting to those who do not like change but it is counter-intuitive in regards to resolutions. Resolutions are about shaking things up in your world. They require a mind-shift of large proportions to affect permanent conclusions.

Moving from Stagnation to Interaction

The only way a bicycle can move forward is looking ahead and creating momentum. Do not let your past failures set you up for more stagnation in the future. Refuse to talk about that old back-drama anymore. The more one talks about it, the more the brain goes into psychobabble looping. Like an old cassette recorder. It keeps playing the messages laid down from the past like toxic underground lyrics to an out of tune off-pitch melody. You must apply new conditions to generational tradition with contemporary exercises to gain back the control of your thoughts and actions.

It is a waste of time and effort to list on a piece of paper your proposed resolution intentions without a roadmap to follow. Use resolution statements this year to construct a roadmap to fit your predetermined victory.

Take a candid look at the beginning point of your 2012 road trip.

On the left side of a piece of paper write down the issues you are starting with and want to transform such as weight issues, smoking habit, relationship or career issues. I personally prefer using an old paper foldout map from the glove compartment of my car and use that as my piece of paper. I love the literal view of the map. It is a constant reminder to understand there are thousands of ways to reach my final successful destination. Locating the left side of the map, I settle in with a fine-line sharpie and let my inhibitions go. Writing away until I am empty inside with truthful statements of items I am transforming this next year.

When finished with that part of the exercise, head towards the right side of that same piece of paper or map if daring. Write your resolutions with sincerity and inspiration. Be deliberate with the intentions this time. Feel the mind body and spirit connect with each letter transposed. Write one’s 2012 resolutions from the inside out and let your soul voice take the lead on this one.

The last task deserves constant attention throughout the year. Divide the remaining area between the two lists into ten small quadrants. Leave enough room for quick notes in each section. At the top of the page allocate a column for each month of the next year. The month of January goes directly above the list made on the left-hand side. The month of December goes directly above the list on the right- hand side, resolutions for this year. Label the remaining columns in the middle of the page or map with months February through November. Use the space in each monthly column to report and write notes of your accomplishment throughout the year. The self -awareness that will come with this quirky little exercise will strangely amaze you.

Hang it up somewhere significant where it can be readily available for quick memos. Mine always hangs in the feng shui career/wealth quadrant of my office for better results.

A Bicycle built for many

This resolution ritual is meant to be fun and enjoyable but we have a tendency to forget that during this time of year. We are so wrapped up in our personal self-improvement agendas we overlook the fact it is about the betterment of the world. There is no resolution on your list that does not have a lasting effect on others as well. Be proactive and use this fact to your advantage. If each person commits, strives and achieves at his or her resolutions, the world will receive a positive jolt with that development. My growth is your growth and your growth is my growth. Therefore, as corny as you think the act of writing and dedicating the next year to new and improved resolutions, remember this fact, your inaction or actions are indeed affecting us all.

In resolutionary grace,

Jillian Maas Backman

Jillian Maas Backman, Author, Beyond The Pews, Breaking With Traditions and Letting Go Religious Lockdown and host of the radio show, CHANGE ALREADY! www.jillianmaasbackman.com

Liberty and Justice For All

2011-12-28T12:07:00.000-05:00

This writer has a million examples of liberty and justice compiled over a long period of time. My blog is a microcosm of such examples written about over a year’s time. Ladyjustice will provide a short list of such examples below, focusing in on the Liberty and Justice part, in hopes that others may be interested in reading more….

LIBERTY: Bengali women are now able to escape human trafficking since their pre-teen years by learning job skills and making handicrafts to earn real wages versus the degradation of the sex trade.

JUSTICE: Pobitra, a job training program and Pokritee, a product design and development company, are giving women courage and the tools to escape this destructive way of life! Ten Thousand Villages, a fair trade retailer working with 138 artisans in Africa, Asia, Latin America and the Middle East showcase these brave entrepreneurs!

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Ten+Thousand+Villages;U

LIBERTY: Daniel Hernandez, Jr, a former Upward Bound student had the fortitude and courage to act quickly to save the life of Representative Gabrielle Giffords during the murderous rampage in Arizona.

JUSTICE: Representative Giffords survives and continues to make progress in her recovery (In fact, a new book written by her husband and she will be published soon). Ladyjustice has a special place in her heart for the Daniel Hernandez Jr’s of the world and the Upward Bound Program in Imperial Valley California (the poorest county in the U.S.) LJ showcased this very program.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/2011/02/22/el-valiente-the-brave-one/

LIBERTY: As the hearts and minds of our nation were torn apart after the terrorist attacks of 9-11, one group took on the President and Congress, demanding action when they initially chose not to investigate.

JUSTICE: Mary Fetchet, Founder of Voices of 9-11 provides comfort, support and advocacy to many, many victims and continues to lead the charge for lasting change!

Visit: http://donnagore.com/2011/11/02/mary-fetchet-%E2%80%93-a-911-voice-extraordinaire/

LIBERTY: A dignified woman and former social worker from Connecticut became a violent crime victim in an instant, 22 years ago when her son, on the brink of marriage was murdered so tragically and totally unprovoked by a narcissistic killer who spent years and years on the lamb, hidden by his wealthy family.

JUSTICE: After 22 years… using local, state and international resources, Addie Carone finally got a piece justice after Adam Zach, the perpetrator, was located via a family member in Mexico where Zachs had taken on a new identity, married and had children and a business. Zachs is now incarcerated for the first time in his adult life…. as well as his father for adding and abetting a fugitive.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Twenty+Seven++Minutes+for+Twenty+Two+Years+of+Agony+for

LIBERTY: Crime Victims are held hostage their entire lives by the personal violence experienced and any successive violence, as it often opens up the wounds. One of the best ways to deal with this is to attempt become healthier by advocating for others in the name of their lost loved one. Case in point: The Melanie Ilene Rieger Memorial Conference against Violence.

JUSTICE: Sam and Wanda’s daughter Melanie was a nurturing person and had aspirations of being a social work. Melanie’s ex-boyfriend had other tragic plans for her… plans of intimate partner homicide. See Ladyjustice’s tribute to their 15th conference in her memory, this past spring.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Melanie+Ilene+Rieger

Thank you for the opportunity to share!

With the help of all advocates collectively, may we continue to see more examples of justice obtained rather than justice denied!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk.

At-one-ment with Self and Knowing

2011-12-27T07:38:00.000-05:00

The Prophet: On Self-Knowledge by ~ceeveem

By Pamela Chapman

In the last several weeks, I have gone through another major change that consisted of a physical, mental and spiritual shift. And for those of you who are not aware, shifts occur during your entire lifetime. They occur as quickly or rapidly as you are ready and willing to experience these momentous occasions.

Before the onset of this last, I found myself feeling as if I were dying. I felt as if nothing was going right, nothing was working, everything was awry and I actually questioned the very existence of God. I had made an exceptionally strong demand on the Universe and it was only natural for there to be a false appearance of all hell breaking out when actually everything was going just right. But interesting enough, even though I knew this truth, because I was smack dab in the middle of what seemed to be a muddle at the time, I was quite oblivious of this truth.

After feeling like the earth was caving in upon me for several weeks and literally wanting to die in order to be free from the suffocating (I must sincerely admit I’d been around this Mulberry tree during other shifts in my life) a very special friend phoned. Some of you may know her, Susan Murphy Milano. We had an in-depth conversation her reminding me of the truths by which we both live and serve. I am grateful she helped me recover my life.

A few days later, with a renewed outlook and desire to press on, I came upon an Internet page with the following statement, “I can see that my old model of reality is broken. I now ask to be shown what I’ve been missing. Let me begin to see reality as it truly is. Let my beliefs accurately reflect the true nature of reality.” I honestly wish to give credit to the author, but if anyone were to make me an offer of one-million dollars to tell them who wrote this, I honestly couldn’t. So, I give credit to whom credit is due.

Discovering this statement supports the fact that the Universe, whom I call God, will answer and give you what you need, when you need it if you just ask. I made a commitment to the above declaration each morning and almost instantly, a road opened and my path straightened.

Now this is the fun part. Here is where I rattle “the religious.” But first, let me define what I mean by the religious. The religious are those who have made theory, tradition and laws their golden calf and love to tout off Scripture but do not live by the two most important Commandments, “Love the Lord thy God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and your neighbor as yourself. Living by the two allows you to effortlessly fulfill the others.

Now let’s proceed. I’ve been a woman of great faith. I have believed God in dire situations from my son being incarcerated in one of the most racist counties in California in the 90’s for a crime where he actually was the victim to believing my husband would survive when given only three weeks to live being pronounced terminally ill. He lived eleven months instead of the sentence given.

I have also been a woman who has studied the Scripture in depth. I give thanks to Dr. Churck Kruze for introducing me to a loving, kind, and forgiving God, Dr. Clarence McClendon for helping me understand that I had the power to enhance my life, and Dr. Willliam D. Hinn for helping me remember I was the first born of many sons of God in the earth.

However, I came to the realization, after pressing pass the emotion of God and into the knowledge of God, that in order for God to be everywhere, at every time, and all knowing each man had to abide in Him and Him in every person. God always uses man. We are his incarnate vessels. The very breath of God is the several hundred breaths each of us take each and every day by grace. How could there be any separation?

With my new understanding that everything is made out of matter or atoms including man (Adam) which is energy, how could I not be God? God is pure energy and pure energy is light. All you need to do is look at our sun, moon, stars and galaxies to prove this. If a doctor or biologist takes a sample of a man’s blood and holds it under a microscope, what does he see? If his cells are healthy, they glow with light and energy.

So, quickly, in a moment of a twinkling of an eye, I went from praying to the God in Heaven to praying to the God within—God in the earth. Suddenly, the Scripture of John 17: 20-23 (Scripture noted in footnote) became life. Swiftly, I apprehended, transitioned, evolved from head knowledge (thinking) to heart knowledge (knowing) that God in his seventh day, after we together created earth and everything necessary for our co-existence, we rested. I live now in the seventh day. It is up to me, in the body, to go forth in the knowledge, the power, and the rest. And, while everything is created, named and finished whether in the present or in the future, I must take authority co-creating with Him.

There has been the next elevation of enlightenment, encompassed by great humility allowing me confidence, peace, and an outlook that amazingly requires very little effort on my behalf. It’s the knowing that I must ask, believe and then go forth in peace. It’s the knowing I don’t have to make something happen and while I need to be committed to quieting myself and my soul to hear the voice within that guides me 24/7, I am at-one-ment with the Universe. I know, with a steadfast confidence that everything is working for my good and the good of all those I come in contact.

I know I am worthy of good, peace, love and abundance; and, subconsciously and consciously I will create my Garden of Eden. I know that ninety-percent of my decisions are made on a subconscious level; so, being worry free, filled with love and knowing I am one with the Universe allows every good thing to come to fruition.

The secret is reconnecting to the God within. The God without—somewhere far, far away is finished. Christ, the son of man, the first born of many sons, as well as the second and the thirty-third millionth is seated in dominion, glory and power if they believe they are worthy of such. There is no fancy prayer, forty-day fast, sacrifice or act you need to perform to earn what is rightfully yours (right hand of God). What must come is the passing of your own tests of worthiness to enter through the veil of darkness—the veil of the mind separating you from God consciousness.

You cry heresy. I cry freedom. Christ was labeled a heretic teaching the Kingdom of God is with men. I have heard people say God descended and walked with men; therefore, Heaven was with men at that time. However, I believe God became incarnate, personified in the flesh, to teach us, to show us and guide us into at-one-ment with Him which is the Kingdom of God or Heaven.

Many of us know at-one-ment or atonement to mean the penance or the reparation Christ paid for men’s sins. Then, if the price for the forgiveness of our sins has been paid, it is high time we learn to forgive ourselves, love ourselves and be happy with each day in this life we are blessed to experience. You cannot do this feeling or believing you are a lowly sinner, unworthy of love and unworthy of the gift freely given. You and the Father: spirit, energy, light and love are one—entwined, with nothing being able to ever separate you from His love—nothing but the lack of love for yourself and others.

Every ache, every pain in my body is gone. All the mental torment of “how “ is vanished. All the work of trying to make “it” happen is nowhere to be found. It is no longer a head belief but a heart reality. Be still and know. Know that you are at-one-ment with God—at- one-ment with yourself and life as it is meant to be will unfold in wonder-ment revealing life more abundant right before your very eyes.

Will there be another shift? Absolutely! I invite and welcome the next. In the meantime, I take one breath at a time, live each day as the last in the now, being still in my mind, my soul and emotion, co-creating and knowing.

New King James—John 17:20-23 “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

Tough Job, Tougher Women

2011-12-23T11:04:00.000-05:00

photo courtesy of Holy Cross Hospital, Taos, NM

By Roger A. Canaff

Sue Rotolo’s eyes are the first thing you’ll notice about her; they are almost impossibly blue, and glow lightly beneath red hair. Her smile is easy and warm, and she has an enviable air of serenity, whether in the presence of an eight year-old rape victim about to be forensically examined or an aggressive attorney attempting to lock her down on cross examination.

It’s a good thing. That Zen-like calmness serves her well. In the clinic, her job as a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (with the odd acronym SANE) is to treat patients who are victims of sexual violence. In the courtroom, she testifies as an expert to what she observed and what it might mean legally. Ask her which job is more difficult and she’ll likely tell you the courtroom; it’s less predictable and more brutal. It’s at times a tongue in cheek response, but it’s no less true even if a little bit funny.

Rape, after all, doesn’t usually happen between 9 and 5 weekdays. SANEs are torn from their beds, their loved ones and their lives to provide hands-on care to people suffering some of the worst trauma imaginable. It happens in every combination of off hours, holidays, weather and traffic. In the crush and tangle of Northern Virginia where I learned from Sue the business of forensic nursing, a trip to Inova Fairfax Hospital can take hours from two towns over in the wrong circumstances. The patients are at times tragically young or old (Sue’s youngest was about three months). Some are combative, some intoxicated. Some giggle. Some beg for relief from any number of things that haunt them, real and imagined. Sue, and the nurses who work for her, see them all.

And nevertheless, it’s us, the lawyers, who create the ultimate crucible for a woman in Sue’s crew who wants to be a SANE. It’s the contact sport of criminal litigation- often at its most bitter and belligerent in cases of sexual assault- that drives many hopeful forensic nurses out of the business. Attorneys often treat them, because they’re “just nurses,” with far less than the respect they merit (most doctors, unless they specialize in forensics, are much less valuable on the stand in a rape case than an experienced SANE). They’re attacked mercilessly for being everything from sorority-like “little sisters” of the police and prosecution to man-hating zealots or glorified candy-stripers. Every cruel and gender-based stereotype that can be slung at them from the male dominated world of trial law is done so. The successful ones realize early on that testifying is yet another skill- completely discrete from anything else one does as a nurse- that must be mastered in order to survive. Sue has one iron rule- no crying on the witness stand. I worked directly with her nurses for years and never saw it broken, even when I knew I’d have been reduced to sobs had I been where they were.

The ones who do survive the process make healing differences in the lives of their patients few will ever match. Rape has always been difficult to report, but prior to SANE programs (an adjunct of the woman’s and victims movements of a generation ago) it was at times tantamount to a re-victimization. Victims waited for hours, triaged behind whatever nightmares took precedence in the ER they found their way to. Many physicians were unable or barely willing to conduct the examinations both for treatment and possible evidence collection, and they wanted no part of the legal process. Victims were judged, ignored or even threatened with arrest depending on how they presented. It was more than wrong, more than something that worsened experiences and deepened the pain. It also killed cases and drove victims underground. That allowed attackers to escape justice and rape again; most rapists don’t stop at one.

The idea of SANE programs is to specially train nurses to treat and examine patients whose chief complaint is sexual assault, and to evaluate the body as a crime scene, collecting potential evidence for investigation and trial. As an invaluable plus, the exams are conducted in a safe, private and dignified setting where the person at the center of the case can begin to heal, and regroup. With the help of victim advocates who provide the emotional support and ties to other services they need, the process, when it’s done right, produces a better, stronger witness for us and a sex assault survivor with a fighting chance at looking at life at least similarly to how she did before.

It’s still an evolving process, and I’ve been blessed to work with some of the finest women I’ve ever known in the building and sustaining of the programs and their interaction with the legal system. From Jen Markowitz in Ohio, Eileen Allen in New Jersey, Tara Henry in Alaska, Pat Speck in Tennessee, Jen Pierce-Weeks in New Hampshire, Jacqui Calliari in Wisconsin, Diana Faugno in California, Elise Turner in Mississippi, Linda Ledray in Minnesota, Karen Carroll in New York and dozens of others, I’ve learned more about the relevant anatomy and reproductive health then I ever thought possible, and we’ve broken bread and self-medicated together in more places than I can remember.

But it was Sue, with her bright eyes, warm smile and unflappable mien who taught me with plain speech how to drop my blushes, learn the anatomy, pronounce the terms, protect the truth through her testimony, and do my job.

What Sue has done literally thousands of times is probably best exemplified by a story she sometimes relates in training regarding an eight year-old girl who had been sexually abused by a family member. After being examined by Sue in an invasive but tender and careful manner, the child asked her how bad she looked inside now that she had been made bad by what had happened to her.

“Honey,” Sue said, “you are perfect inside. And you’re perfect outside.”

That child may forget the lawyers, the judges, the police officers and the numbing, contentious process that played out above her. She will never forget the abuse. But God willing, she also won’t forget the blue-eyed lady with the stethoscope; the one who reminded her of the most important thing of all.

Roger Canaff: Anti-Violence Advocate, Child Protection Specialist, Legal Expert
Blog: WCSV (Women, Children, Sex, Violence: Outcry, Analysis, Discussion)
www.rogercanaff.com

Tears, Fears and Bullies

2011-12-22T07:02:00.000-05:00

By Diane May-Waldman

“We stopped looking for monsters under the bed when we realized they are all inside of us.” – Joe Danger Payne.

The following video seems to be going viral. I couldn’t get through it without a lump rising up in my throat and tears falling down my cheeks. I actually watched it more than once and both times it had the same affect on me. Please take a moment to watch it.

Heart wrenching, right? I imagine that it brought up more than one emotion for you, too. Sadness and anger, all at the same time.

There seems to be stories all over the news these days headlining children and teens that have committed suicide because of bullying. Here where I live, we just lost another teenage girl to suicide because of bullying. We’ve lost a couple this year and seems we haven’t learned anything from it.

I am not exactly sure how to reach children before they kill themselves. I have to wonder if they understand that suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wonder if they understood that we have all had moments in our lives, when we have wanted to stop the world and get off.

But, it doesn’t work that way.

I have heard people of my generation make comments about bullying that leave me shaking my head. Someone said, “Why can’t they do it the way we did it? Duke it out and be done with it?”

I think times have changed since a lot of us were kids. We didn’t have the Internet. First of all, since we didn’t have the Internet, we played outside and because we played outside, whoever was out there, we played with. All the kids on the street got together and hung out. The Internet has managed to keep people a lot more isolated from real human connections. Physical connections.

Secondly, the Internet and Facebook have made it easier to bully. Cyber bully. Where at one time, you might be bullied at school, but you could go home and take a break. Not anymore. You sign on to the computer, hop on your facebook page and there it is. And more often than not it carries a mob mentality.

I also think kids tend to me a lot meaner than they were when we were kids. There is just no filter on what they say or do. There is no accountability either.

I would like to think that I never bullied anyone–at least I don’t recall ever bullying anyone. Except a time when I joined a couple of my friends to make fun a of girl with a disability. To this day, it causes me a huge amount of shame. There was a girl who lived a few streets over and she had cerebral palsy. I didn’t know that is what she had at the time, so me and a couple of friends were walking down the street and two of them started to walk like her as we passed her house. Not wanting to be the odd man out, I joined it. I knew it was was wrong and I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, but I did, because my friends were doing it.

Somehow my mother got wind of it. She didn’t scream at me or whack me in the head with her wooden spoon. She cried and told me how ashamed she was of my behavior and went on to explain that everyone was different and that I did not have the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves. By the time my mother was done talking to me, I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. I felt like dirt.

I think teens are pack animals by nature. A lot of inappropriate behavior, we just wouldn’t have engaged in, if we had been alone. We simply folded under peer pressure.

My mother made it clear to me that I was never to act like that again and I never did. Had she gotten another report of this kind of behavior from me, she would have without a doubt taken out her wooden spoon and busted my ass and I would have deserved it.

My mother gave you one warning and if you didn’t heed that warning, you got your ass busted. It was that simple. My mother had a saying. She would always say, “Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder to get your attention and when you don’t listen, he thumps you on the head and that is exactly what I am going to do if you don’t hear me the first time.”

My mother also said, “You KNOW right from wrong. You know it as sure as I am sitting here and if you choose wrong, you better be prepared for what comes from that decision.”

And she was right.

You would also have to think twice if you thought of bullying one of my mother’s children. She would warn you first and if you didn’t listen, she made no bones about it, that she was going to handle it.

Most of the kids that I grew up with can remember a specific neighbor. Yes, that wretched woman who keeps your ball if it went into her yard. Well, my ball went into her yard and she kept it. I ran across the street and told my mother.

My mother came outside and demanded that she give the ball back to me. My mother waited with her hand on her hip and this woman wasn’t budging. Before I knew it my mother was calling her a bully and telling her that she should be ashamed of herself and then my mother was climbing over that fence telling that woman she was going to kick her ass. The neighbor quickly threw the ball over the fence and never took our ball again.

Walking back home, my mom was like a hero to me and the other neighborhood kids. My mother said to the neighbor, “Bullying is just mean and ignorant.”

My mother didn’t go into the whole psychological reasons that make someone become a bully. She didn’t tell me that maybe they were bullied or didn’t feel good about themselves, therefore they had to pick on someone else.

Because, she didn’t think that way. She believed that TWO WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT. Plain and simple. Just like when she said that bulling was mean and ignorant. Yeah, it’s that simple.

While we may never end all bullying, we can fix the majority of this problem. And it isn’t a problem that plagues the kids. It’s a problem that plagues the parents and adults surrounding this situation. If we know what is going on with our kids, we could stop it. Yet, we seem to busy to want to intervene and know what our kids are doing, until it’s too late.

School can sometimes be a hard place to be. Especially when teens approach puberty. Our brains and bodies are developing at different rates. We want to fit it and be part of the crowd. We do things we might not ordinarily do because being inside group is not as scary as being on the outside of the group.

Schools claim they are understaffed and can’t get a hold on this problem. More often than not, bullies are punished and this often adds flame to the fire. And some kids don’t and won’t report it in fear of retaliation. This is why it is important for schools to have a policy that if you see or know of a student who is being bullied, you can and should report it anonymously.

If we know who the “ring leader” is in the bully mob and who the victim is, we can start there.

What if we put the bully and the victim in a supervised room together? Told them that they each had to find ONE thing they liked about the other. It could be that the other person has great hair, a nice smile, cool shoes…

And what if we gave them a list of 20 questions that each had to answer. What is your favorite video game? Who is your favorite band? Then made those students discuss their answers? What if they had similar answers or were able to talk to one another about their answers? We now have them communicating on a positive level and have showed them that they are not so different. We have now made the bully AWARE that the victim is a human being.

Two school days in a room together, they are now more than likely able to form some type of human connection and bond with one another.

And what if we asked the bully to tell the victim how they feel when they bully and asked the victim to tell the bully how they feel when they are bullied? What if we got down to the heart of the matter?

And just what if we asked both to bring their favorite music or video game in the next day and share it with the other? What if we actually had them spend time together?

What if we stopped putting a band aide on this situation and really took the time to get to the root of the problem?

And what if parents got on board and we all worked together to solve the problem?

Please visit the following website and get your number. Take a stand to stop bullying NOW. Because, bullying isn’t COOL.

http://www.standtogether.tv/

"Dear Media!"

2011-12-21T05:56:00.000-05:00

Respectfully,

Cynthia Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc.
PH: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

Miracles Worth Waiting For

2011-12-18T17:43:00.000-05:00

By Neil Schori

One of the most difficult things for me to do is to wait. I don't like it when good things are delayed in my life. And right now, I'm waiting on what seem to be a lot of important things. I'm waiting for my house to sell. I'm waiting for the budget at my church for 2012 to get hammered out. I'm waiting for circumstances to change in the lives of people that I love dearly. Sometimes it leaves me feeling like nothing is going to change and that darkness will be victorious.

But what I'm realizing in this season of Advent is that waiting is not without a point. Something very holy and right and good happens in the waiting times of our lives. Look at the first Christmas story with me from the Gospel of Luke 2: 1-7~

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

What a simple and beautiful story! I can almost picture the Christmas figurines in the front lawn right now. Joseph, with a proud fatherly look on his face, and Mary with strength and quiet confidence being the mother of the Savior of the world. That sounds great, but it didn't happen quite like that. The circumstances weren't quite like the idyllic winter wonderland we imagine. And life never really is like that, is it?

What was really happening was far less glamorous. What was really happening was stressful and frightening and caused Mary and Joseph great deals of insecurity, and fear. You see, God had been relatively silent for around 400 years (since the writing of the final book of the Old Testament), and now the silence had ended. And the end of God's silence brought an event that rocked a young couple by the names of Mary & Joseph. Mary was likely only 12-14 years old, but was pledged to be married to a man named Joseph. And suddenly, by God's providence, she was pregnant, and had to figure out a way to explain that to a really skeptical community. But the consequences could have been far greater than shame. Mary had to face the fact that the elders of her community could very well have her stoned for having sex outside of marriage. This was more scandalous than an episode of Teen Mom!

And what about Joseph? In a culture that determined your worth as a man by how many sons you had, this was the ultimate disgrace. Joseph had to deal with shame and insecurity and the nagging doubts he must have had about Mary's story. Surely a story this messed up couldn't have been guided by the hand of God?!

Oh, but it was. And in the waiting, Mary and Joseph struggled and questioned and wondered how and why God would plan something so messy and if he would really come through for them. How could something characterized by disorder and doubt and fear be divinely guided?

When it came time for Mary to give birth to Jesus, they couldn't even catch a break then. And the Savior of the world was born in a feeding trough for animals. Could this be more messed up? Surely there could have been another way? Maybe you feel like that about your own life today.

Here's what I know: God works in ways that we don't understand. And he sees you where you are right now and he works in "the waiting" and he has good plans for your life today. No matter what it feels like to you right now, God has good plans for your life today. You are not lost and you are not forgotten.

In your time of waiting today, please join me in prayer:

God, the story of the birth of your son tells us that your plans are greater than ours and your vision is not limited as ours is. In this time of waiting, help us to see with your eyes and not just through our own limited lenses. Help us to trust you deeply as we take in the promise of hope that this season of Advent brings. Thank you for sending the greatest hope of all in the form of a tiny baby born in a stable. Help us to believe that if you loved us enough to rescue us from our own selfish lives, that you also love us enough to see us through any difficult circumstances today. AMEN

Believing that LOVE wins,

Neil

Neil Schori serves as lead pastor of Naperville Christian Church, and is a remarkable advocate for those in abusive relationships.

The Catholic Church, Penn State, Syracuse & the Custody Courts: The Pattern of Powerful Institutions Protecting Pedophiles

2011-12-15T06:56:00.000-05:00

By Barry Goldstein

Domestic violence experts understand the importance of looking for patterns in order to recognize and understand domestic violence. The scandals involving the Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University did not involve domestic violence, but the principles are the same. The church scandal may have involved 100,000 victims while the scandal at the colleges impacted many additional children. We can and should provide support, compassion and compensation for the victims, but can never return them to their old lives. The abusers who committed these acts are reprehensible, but the many responsible leaders of these respected institutions who failed to stop them caused even greater harm. If society fails to learn from these mistakes and use the patterns to prevent additional children from suffering the same fate we are all no better than others who covered up this abuse.

The abuse of children at these institutions is not an isolated event. It is well established that by the time children reach eighteen one third of the girls and one sixth of the boys have been sexually abused. The popular stereotype of a rapist or pedophile is some stranger lurking somewhere in a raincoat, but 83% of sexual abuse is committed by someone the victim knows just as it was at these respected institutions. This is an extraordinarily painful and uncomfortable subject, but society cannot protect children unless it examines the patterns that have facilitated these tragedies and create responses designed to prevent such scandals from ever happening again.

The Catholic Church sex scandal continued over many decades. By some estimates two percent of priests engaged in child molestation. In many cases church administrators including the most influential leaders reassigned pedophiles to new positions with access to more child victims or sent them for treatment and then permitted them to regain access to children. In some cases victims and their parents were silenced by threats or promises. In this manner the scandal was covered up for more than a generation until exposed by lawsuits and eventual press coverage.

At Penn State a respected assistant football coach is accused of sexually abusing at least several children. In one case a graduate assistant witnessed an assault and informed Coach Paterno but nothing was done to protect the children. At Syracuse University the alleged abuser was an assistant basketball coach. When initial complaints surfaced the school asked the law firm that helps them with compliance with NCAA regulations to investigate. The firm has no expertise in sexual abuse issues and there is no indication they hired anyone with this expertise to help with the investigation. The result was the coach had more years to abuse additional children.

Looking at the Patterns

In all three cases these are powerful and respected institutions. They had the trust and admiration of many in the community. Although children rarely make false allegations of sexual abuse, denials by these institutions tended to be believed. The media and law enforcement have relationships with these institutions and were willing to give them the benefit of any doubts. The problem was compounded by the myths and misinformation related to child sexual abuse.

These institutions are also wealthy. The Catholic Church was able to pay for the treatment of pedophile priests and keep the information secret. Syracuse University could afford to hire a law firm to protect their interests and create the illusion of a reasonable response. The ESPN sports network received evidence of the coach’s abuse and failed to report on the story for many years giving the coach the opportunity to abuse still more boys. ESPN has a financial interest in covering the sports program at Syracuse. Could their financial interest influence their decision against covering the issue at least subconsciously?

The institutions also had a strong moral reputation especially the Catholic Church. Who would believe that a church that aggressively seeks to prevent sex outside of marriage and especially sex between consenting same sex partners would tolerate and protect priests who raped young boys? Penn State and Syracuse University had the reputation of running strong and ethical athletic programs and so it was difficult to believe they would tolerate or cover-up for coaches sexually abusing children. Their moral stature made their denials all the more believable.

At the same time the victims had none of these advantages and this was not a coincidence. In most cases the predators deliberately selected victims who were vulnerable and less likely to be believed. Their victims were young, had no influence in the world and not likely to be given credibility. For obvious reasons the pedophiles abused the children at a time and place where there would be no witnesses with few exceptions. Even when an incident was witnessed at Penn State, the failures of the university permitted the coach to continue his abuse.

Sexual abuse has profound negative effects on children. This experience often contributes to the child making poor choices even into their adulthood. These poor choices often get them into trouble which further undermines their credibility. Many aspects of sexual abuse, like domestic violence are counterintuitive which makes it harder for non experts to recognize and believe valid complaints. Throughout the scandals at the three institutions we heard journalists, law enforcement and other professionals without training about sexual abuse making statements to the effect that the long time it took the children to report the abuse made the reports less credible. In reality, this is a normal response for many reasons including threats, fear, embarrassment, guilt and the realistic danger that no one will believe them. This widespread ignorance from professionals and the general public (who will serve on any juries) gives sexual abusers an additional advantage.

Difficulty of Proving Child Sexual Abuse

There are many reasons why child sexual abuse is hard to prove and this applies to custody cases, criminal cases and tort cases. There are rarely witnesses to the assault for obvious reasons. Many forms of sexual assault leave no physical evidence and when there is evidence it may have disappeared by the time the child reveals the abuse. One of the biggest obstacles to proving sexual abuse in a court of law is the widespread myth that women and children often make false allegations of abuse. This is especially problematic in custody cases where most evaluators and court professionals are given inadequate domestic violence training and those without proper training are more likely to believe the myth.

Children face a lot of pressures not to reveal the abuse. Abusers often threaten to harm them or their family if they tell anyone. They are also threatened that no one will believe them and the frequency with which professionals disbelieve valid complaints by children supports this threat. When the abuse is committed by a father or other family member, the child may still love their abuser or not want to get him in trouble. Revealing something that is so painful, embarrassing and uncomfortable is difficult and often requires a lot of support which the child may not have. Children (and adults) respond to traumatic events with a variety of defense mechanisms. This is a survival mechanism that may be the best way to cope with an impossible situation. This may cause the child not to remember or otherwise delay the reports. Many people including unqualified professionals often believe the delay raises doubts about the victim’s credibility. It is common for victims of abuse to engage in illegal or other unwise behaviors that further undermine their credibility. One of the alleged Syracuse victims is charged with molesting another boy.

An important factor that helped the scandals in the Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University as well as the custody court system continue as long as they did is the widespread disinclination to believe that someone who is successful in other parts of his life could do something so disgusting. This applies to the priests who assaulted children, the assistant coaches at the two universities and many of the fathers in custody court cases. Many professionals cannot imagine that people like this could commit these crimes and so never conduct an effective investigation. This factor probably contributed to the lame investigations by police and the media regarding Syracuse University as well as the investigations by Penn State and Syracuse Universities. In the custody court, the frequent use of mental health professionals without expertise in child sexual abuse and use of the bogus Parental Alienation Syndrome contribute to the widespread failure of court professionals to believe valid allegations of child sexual abuse. Initial complaints by victims in the Catholic Church child sex abuse scandal were probably taken less seriously because they were made against clergy who would be expected to maintain high moral standards.

When child sexual abuse complaints are investigated, most are initially investigated for purposes of criminal prosecution. In the Syracuse University case, for instance it appears some of the allegations were investigated by the police and the law firm and the failure to find sufficient evidence to be able to convince a jury of the validity of the complaint beyond a reasonable doubt led to closing the case which was widely interpreted as establishing the complaints were invalid. This is part of a widespread problem about the lack of critical thinking in responding to abuse complaints.

Consider a fundamental question of what is the purpose of investigating allegations of child sexual abuse. For law enforcement the purpose is to determine if a crime has been committed and if there is sufficient evidence to bring charges. For other institutions such as schools, religious institutions, custody courts or child protective agencies, the primary purpose should be to determine if the alleged offender presents a risk to children and if so to take steps to make sure the children are protected. Too often when law enforcement believes it cannot prove a case beyond a reasonable doubt and closes the case, other institutions treat this as if the perpetrator has been vindicated.

Beyond a reasonable doubt is a heavy evidentiary burden to meet under the best of circumstances and even more difficult in cases that are notoriously hard to prove. Our system of justice deliberately makes it difficult to prove because the consequence can be taking away someone’s liberty. I certainly don’t advocate reducing the standard of proof in criminal cases, but there is no legal or moral reason to use that severe standard as a precondition for protecting children. Indeed when the issue is the safety of children any reasonable doubt should be resolved in favor of protecting children.

Given the high level of proof required and the added obstacles to proving child sexual abuse, circumstances that are normal to child sexual abuse cases and information that is of little or no probative value are often sufficient to convince police and prosecutors to close cases with true allegations. The necessary reliance on the testimony of a young child, the myth of frequent false allegations, the lack of physical evidence, the delay in reporting the abuse, inappropriate later behavior by the victim and a continued relationship with the abuser are all common circumstances in child sexual abuse cases, have little or no probative value but any one of them alone can be used to claim a “reasonable doubt.”

The widespread false assumption that the failure of law enforcement to press criminal charges means the allegations were probably false automatically eliminate most valid cases. This encourages the institutions discussed in this article and others to take no steps to safeguard children from a possible or even likely sexual offender. Using the beyond a reasonable doubt standard to determine who goes to jail is reasonable, but using the same standard to decide whether to protect children is unconscionable. We see a similar problem with many child protective agencies that can either determine abuse allegations are unfounded or indicated. When the caseworkers believe there is not enough evidence to bring charges they are required to close the case. In many cases the evidence is ambiguous or a fair assessment is they are not sure whether or not the allegations are true. Many agencies do not have the option of saying they cannot determine the validity of the allegation and leave the case open. The result is that many children are exposed to dangerous abusers in this way. Even worse, artificial deadlines, limited resources, the use of unqualified professionals and flawed practices undermine the ability to establish the evidence needed to protect children.

Custody Courts

It took the media far too long to expose the long and sordid history of widespread sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church. It appears some members of the media had strong proof about sexual abuse by the assistant coach of the Syracuse University Basketball team. In each case they failed to expose the scandal and protect children. When the press did start covering the scandals at the Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University they became major stories. In many ways the biggest part of each of these stories was not the sexual abuse committed by employees of these institutions but the cover-up that many of the leaders of these institutions participated in. The stories and the effect on the institutions would be far different if the leaders had quickly investigated the allegations, reported the abuse and taken steps to protect children.

It appears the cover-up by the Catholic Church is responsible for approximately 100,000 children suffering from attacks by the clergy. In fairness to the custody court system, the complaint is not that judges are sexually assaulting children but they are sending children to live with dangerous abusers. Current scientific research establishes that every year 58,000 children are sent for custody or unprotected visitation with dangerous abusers. This is caused by the widespread flawed and discredited practices used in the custody courts and the extreme defensiveness in responding to complaints from protective mothers and professionals supporting them. These tragedies have continued since at least the late 1970s although the numbers were probably significantly lower in the earlier years before the male supremacist movement and the cottage industry of professionals who earn their living supporting abusive fathers made going after custody the leading tactic to prevent battered women from leaving their abusers. A significant portion of the 58,000 children victimized each year by flawed practices in the custody court system are not sexually abused but abused physically or witness their mothers’ abuse by their father. Nevertheless the number of children subjected to sexual abuse through the practices in the custody court system is probably much higher than the number abused in the Catholic Church.

We know the custody courts are getting a very high percentage of their contested sexual abuse cases wrong because they are giving custody to the alleged abuser in 85% of the cases despite the research that establishes deliberately false complaints by mothers and children is extremely rare. In a majority of the cases with sexual abuse allegations the charges are true, many others involve boundary violations that do not have to disqualify the father for normal visitation but certainly should discourage giving him custody. The problem is that when the court disbelieves the abuse allegations it tends to punish the mother by taking custody away from her and often limiting her to supervised or no visitation. These are decisions that are extremely harmful to children. Most attorneys have little or no expertise about sexual abuse and yet they routinely discourage mothers from making sexual abuse allegations even with substantial proof because they know the likely result would be for the mother to lose custody.

Perhaps even more convincing than outcome studies is the routine use by custody courts of deeply flawed practices that give judges little chance to protect children from sexual predators. The new Department of Justice study found that most evaluators and other court professionals have inadequate training concerning domestic violence and those with inadequate training are likely to believe the myth that mothers frequently make false allegations of abuse and in turn make recommendations that harm children. In custody cases with sexual abuse allegations this means many of the evaluators and other professionals the courts rely on consider only the possibility that the allegations are true or the mother is making deliberate false allegations to undermine the children’s relationship with their father. The difficulty in proving child sexual abuse, widespread failure to use best investigative practices and the bias caused by the myth cause these professionals to routinely assume false allegations even when there is strong evidence supporting the mother’s allegations. Although boundary violations (which can cause children to act out in sexualized ways) and ambiguous information that may be inconclusive are far more likely than deliberate falsehoods, the inadequately trained professionals rarely even consider these possibilities and jump right to punishing the mothers by removing custody and often restricting visitation. This not only increases the risk to children but helps abusive fathers silence the children so that their continuing abuse is unlikely to be revealed.

Although the burden of proof in custody cases is typically preponderance of the evidence which translates to something just over 50%, as with the other institutions discussed in this article many court professionals use the failure of law enforcement to bring criminal charges as evidence the charges are false. Similarly they also use the failure of child protective agencies to press charges as proof of false charges. Of course the inability to prove something beyond a reasonable doubt does not establish it cannot be proven by a preponderance of the evidence. Significantly over forty states and many judicial districts created court-sponsored gender bias committees that have found widespread bias against women including requiring women to meet higher standards of proof than men. The frequent use of the lack of criminal or child protective charges as if it were proof of false allegations is a common example of placing an illegal evidentiary burden on protective mothers.

When children are sexually abused it is a painful and embarrassing experience. Like women who are raped, it is not something children are comfortable discussing. Accordingly best practices for therapists or investigators would be to take the time to develop a trusting relationship with the child before expecting the child to discuss truly painful experiences. For younger children it is particularly useful to use play therapy. This permits children to reveal whatever happened unconsciously which has the added advantage of preventing parents or others from influencing what they say. Unfortunately court professionals rarely use these best practices. We often see cases in which the caseworker or other investigator asks a few general questions like favorite food or how they like school and quickly ask questions about the alleged abuse. When a child refuses to discuss the issue or otherwise deflects the question the professional often assumes the allegations are false or at least cannot be proven.

One of the problems with custody courts’ response to domestic violence is their reliance on a half sentence. The part they have heard often is that children do better with both parents in their lives. The rest of the sentence is unless one of the parents is abusive. Having missed the critical remainder of the sentence, court professionals are often particularly anxious to actively involve the father in the children’s lives. In many cases with allegations of sexual abuse the court will initially limit the alleged abuser to supervised visitation, but there is tremendous pressure to make sure the father resumes normal visitation as quickly as possible (tellingly the courts don’t seem to feel the same pressure when mother’s are limited to supervised visitation based on alienation claims or mental health diagnoses that don’t seem to impact other parts of her life or her ability to parent the children). Accordingly the professionals rush to complete investigations, fail to use best practices and seek to reunite the father and children as quickly as possible. This results in the frequent denial of valid complaints and quickly gives the father the opportunity to silence the children. If children’s safety were the first priority as it should be and as I believe most judges would say they favor, the outcomes would be very different.

The Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University had years of opportunities to take action to stop the abusers, protect children and save their reputations. Instead they waited until criminal charges, civil suits and massive publicity forced them to respond. Ironically the desire to protect their reputations was probably an important motivation for staying silent but that silence magnified the harm to the institutions a thousand times over. The custody court system is now in a similar situation that the other institutions confronted immediately before the scandal broke. For many years protective mothers and later abused children after they aged out of custody orders that subjected them to more abuse complained to the courts. Current scientific research is now indisputable that the use of flawed and discredited practices has resulted in custody courts sending children to be raped and beaten by abusive fathers. The exposure of the scandal is taking longer because judges and some other professionals are largely immune from civil suit, they have some control over the criminal court system and with a few exceptions the media has viewed the scandal as a dispute between mothers and fathers and have avoided covering and exposing the scandal. The problem is that they have failed to look for patterns so they could understand what is happening. The custody court system has reacted extremely defensively often threatening and retaliating against mothers and professionals who sought to inform the public of the courts’ failures. Like the Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University, the custody court system is a powerful institution with substantial resources and a strong moral reputation. This has helped them put off the day they will be exposed. Their advantages have provided extra time but inevitably a sensational case or a prize winning journalist will expose the continuing scandal and the rest of the media will jump onboard. As someone who worked within the custody court system for thirty years I still hope and believe that they can recognize the problem, reform the flawed practices, retrain the professionals it relies on and start protecting the children in its care. They would probably take some criticism for waiting so long, but nothing like the coverage of the Catholic Church, Penn State and Syracuse University. Making the reforms voluntarily instead of responding only after the scandal breaks would save the court system a lot of trouble, money and damage to their reputation. I believe the scandals we have discussed in this article make it more likely that some reporters (and perhaps more importantly their bosses) will be ready to break a story that I believe has Pulitzer Prize written all over it. In other words the custody courts need a sense of urgency in creating the needed reforms for their sake and to protect the children.

Preventing Sexual Abuse of Children

This is a painful and unpleasant topic to discuss. This discomfort probably contributes to the failure of the media to expose these scandals more quickly. I am hopeful that the massive coverage of the tragedies discussed in this article will encourage the media to perform its role in exposing scandals and particularly crimes, and flawed practices that place children in danger. Already I have seen a wonderful article by Wendy Murphy, who every year makes a provocative presentation to the Battered Mothers Custody Conference, about the importance of accountable language in discussing stories about offenders’ rape and abuse of children. The media often describes events in ways that blame the children, invisibilize the perpetrators and describe the brutal and demeaning acts as if they were pleasant or titillating. The media makes similar errors in writing about domestic violence cases often creating a sympathetic description of men who murder their partners and sometimes their children.

One of the problems is that journalists, like judges, lawyers, mental health professionals, college administrators and the public do not have the training or expertise to understand and respond appropriately to domestic violence or offenders’ rape and brutalization of children. There is a specialized body of current research and there are wonderful professionals who have the expertise to assist courts, journalists and survivors. This expertise was not always available so society needs to get into the habit of seeking this expertise when confronted with these issues. There are mental health professionals who have this expertise, but it is not based on their academic training but on extensive practice with survivors and familiarity with current research. The media should not shy away from covering these stories even if they make themselves and the public uncomfortable, but they should make it a habit of seeking assistance from genuine experts.

Journalists need to provide context for their stories. Many people believe that women and children frequently make false allegations of abuse and that a delay in reporting the abuse is an indication of a false report. The news stories should include interviews with experts or references to research that provide accurate information in order to challenge the myths and stereotypes that are so prevalent. When the sexual assault case involving Duke lacrosse players fell apart the media failed to place the events in context by informing the public that deliberately false allegations are extremely rare and the results at Duke constituted a rare exception. They generally treated the players as completely vindicated despite what was at best obnoxious and loutish behavior.

One of the problems is the lack of clear thinking about the concept of innocent until proven guilty. We often forget that this applies only to the criminal justice system which cannot presume a defendant charged with a crime is guilty or punish him unless it is proven beyond a reasonable doubt or he admits his crime by pleading guilty. The system was designed so that guilty defendants sometimes walk free in order to make it rare for innocent defendants to be convicted. In other words there is a difference between not guilty and innocent. Innocent until proven guilty does not apply to the rest of the public or the media although the media must consider defamation laws. In the Kobe Bryant case the criminal charges were dropped and he later reached a civil settlement with his alleged victim. He has largely been treated as if he were vindicated although there is a good chance he committed the crimes originally charged. A civil settlement is not an admission. Instead it means that he may or may not have committed the crime just as a not guilty verdict does. Clearly the media could do a better job of explaining this. If the public knew there were pending or possible charges against the assistant coaches at Penn State and Syracuse University, parents could have taken steps to protect their children. This would be unfair to the coaches if they never acted inappropriately, but the safety of children should be the higher priority.

Indeed society’s response to sexual assaults against children ought to be changed to make the safety of children the first priority. There are valid justifications for statutes of limitation and charges from many years ago can be difficult to defend (and prosecute) with witnesses dead or unavailable and memories faded. Nevertheless the frequency of children not reporting these crimes for many years if at all and the frequency in which the perpetrator discouraged the reports through threats, gifts or promises supports extending the time for reporting to a more realistic time frame. As I write this the prosecutor in Syracuse stated that the charges against the assistant coach are credible but he cannot prosecute because of the statute of limitations. A court could throw out a criminal complaint if the circumstances and delay made it unfair to the defendant, but an arbitrary statute of limitations gives the court no alternative but to allow a likely sex offender to continue seeking his prey.

Communities need to have the resources and expertise available to support the survivors and develop the evidence needed to take the criminals off the streets. Child protective caseworkers and other professionals involved in these cases need better training and retraining to eliminate the widespread use of myths and stereotypes. Programs need to be developed for children to meet with trained experts who can take the time to work with the children, develop trusting relationships and give children a safe place to reveal what the perpetrator did. These professionals can then be expert witnesses to support the allegations both in criminal court and custody court. Some communities already have good programs like this. There is a cost to these programs, but what often gets overlooked is the cost to society of allowing predators to keep raping and assaulting children and of failing to provide the therapy children need costs far more in criminal, health and other costs. Attempts to save money on programs to prevent domestic violence and child abuse actually cost far more financially and in personal devastation.

The custody court system also needs to make safety the first priority starting with the recognition that the present practices are working poorly for children. Courts must stop using mental health professionals with inadequate training in domestic violence and child abuse and those who believe the myth. If court administrators do not believe they are routinely using unqualified professionals they should review the Department of Justice study led by Dr. Daniel Saunders. Other court professionals need to be retrained to stop relying on the misinformation that is so prevalent in the custody courts. They need to look to the specialized body of scientific research and genuine experts for assistance. When allegations are pending, courts must avoid custody or visitation arrangements that give the alleged abuser the ability to silence the children. Stop using bogus theories like Parental Alienation Syndrome that have no scientific basis and were concocted based on the false assumption that virtually every allegation of abuse is false.

When I was a boy, I was a big Yankee fan and my favorite player was Mickey Mantle. I did not know or understand at the time that he engaged in many inappropriate behaviors. Towards the end of his life he demonstrated remarkable courage and candor when he told his fans “Don’t be like me.” Recently, in response to the Penn State Scandal, Archbishop Timothy Dolan declined to offer advice acknowledging that the Catholic Church had done a poor job in responding to similar issues. He is right that the Catholic Church can never undo the enormous harm it caused to children in its care. Certainly they need to help the victims and take steps to make sure this never happens again, but that is not enough. I believe they have an opportunity to use their experience to help prevent other children from suffering similar life-destroying experiences. They should stand with protective mothers and their children (including many Catholics) to encourage the custody court system to make the needed reforms.

They have the influence and access to deliver their message and make sure it is heard. Priests can deliver sermons informing the congregation of the widespread failure of custody courts to protect children. They can support protective mothers and use the moral force of the church to pressure abusive fathers to stop their abuse and stop playing the custody card in ways that ruin their children’s lives. They can write about the problem in their church publications and gain newspaper columns to address this issue. Perhaps most important they can set up meetings with administrative judges. They can provide the research of how the custody courts have failed to protect children. They can explain the harm to the church of covering up for so long and like Mickey Mantle tell the judges “Don’t be like us.” I believe the moral way to respond to their history of tolerating the abuse of children is to help prevent other children from suffering a similar fate.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

The 9th annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference will be held January 6-8 in Albany, New York. For more information check out the Battered Mothers Custody Conference web site. I hope to see many of you at the conference.

Love Does Not Cause You To Bleed

2011-12-13T06:59:00.000-05:00

By Gaetane Borders

Is it possible that parents no longer know how to discipline their children? Maybe something happened within my lifetime that caused a major disconnect such that I simply cannot relate to anything I see, hear, or read lately.

Here’s the source of my current rant:

A month or so ago, a news report surfaced because there was an online video showing what appeared to be a young father who was so upset by his son’s misbehavior at school that he shaved the boy’s hair and eyebrows, spanked him with a belt, and forced him to do exhausting exercises. He filmed the entire 7 minute and 44 second clip and posted it on social media sites. The sad irony is that this parent did this as a means of showing other parents how to properly discipline their own children. I was disturbed by what I heard. The video is difficult to watch. However, despite the disturbing contents of the video…I have to say that it’s the nation’s reaction that shocked me most. (I’ll get to that a tad later)

The man in the video is identified as Devery Broox. He is not the boy’s father, but has been described as being his "mentor." Orlando, FL officers arrested him after learning about the video via a tip originally received by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. While the 7-year-old boy initially claimed that marks and scars on his legs were caused by a bicycle accident, he later “disclosed that Devery ‘whips’ him ‘all the time.’” The child told the police that “Devery made him tell the story about the bicycle because ‘he don’t wanna’ go to jail.’”

I am sharing the video below for you to view, but I do want to caution you that it is not safe for work or for children. It contains extremely foul language and violence.

Now....Here’s my rant:

Of the two people in the video, who do you think people are defending? The 7-year-old you say? Well, that would make too much sense. In fact, it is Broox who people are passionately defending online and at the water cooler. “A parent can’t beat their kids [expletive] anymore without the government getting involved!” an angry listener said when she called into a radio show. Again I ask, what happened in the world that causes confusion between discipline and abuse. Those arguing in Broox’s defense say that the incarceration rate of Black men is the reason why such “discipline” is important. They go on to say that this will help young black men because it will make them successful and productive citizens. I vehemently disagree!

Violence begets violence…ALWAYS. Fear and intimidation does not set a healthy framework for relationships! A child is supposed to feel safest at home. A child is supposed to feel comforted by a parent’s touch. Appropriate discipline cannot occur when a parent is enraged. Leaving scars on children means that you caused them to bleed! How does that show love? Condoning “Beating a Child’s [expletive]” is wrong….simply put.

So where do you stand on this issue. Did this mentor offer appropriate discipline, and should his self-help parenting video be viewed as good training material for parents? The comments below are just some that were posted in the abuser’s defense. Do you agree with them?

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

When did disciplining a kid become a crime? He may have went a little overboard with the eyebrow shaving but come on, he just teaching the kid to act right or get faced with consequences...Soft world we live in.

I support the Mentor. Was it extreme? Yes. Will it leave an impression on the young boy to get his act together? Yes. All this is showing is that parents lose their rights to raise their children.

I know this guy PERSONALLY! Devery is a very nice man he is a mentor and helps boys in the community along with a group of guys I went to college with. He isn't cruel person nor evil and ten years is to the EXTREME. I am going to make sure I go to the courtroom and support Devery because he is somebody who cares about our youth and in the black community we all know that this form of discipline is 100% normal and most of us were raised this way. We are not dead and are parents are not in prison. Those whoopings we got saved many of our lives. I don't get it that you cant whoop your kid with a belt but cops can break your bones with night sticks, tazer you or shoot and kill you. What sense does that make?

If this child grows up to be a prison bird or terrorize society they will look at him as another black child gone wrong. Now someone is trying to right his wrongs early on and its a crime. I hope next time it isn't made public but when this same black boy goes astray because he does not have a mentor you all who are against the punishment will be looking to point fingers again. He was retarded for posting it.... That's all!

Mentor, father, caretaker...young black boys especially need someone to discipline them. This is evident by how many are winding up in juvenile facilities and the penal system in general. While I believe that whipping with a leather belt is extreme, cutting the boys' hair and maybe his eyebrows is not that extreme. Hair grows back but you can't erase a felony conviction. Making him run sprints and doing the duck walk and push ups my impress upon the boy to get his act together and straighten up in school. Parents and guardians need the support of the systems to reinforce discipline and even suggest non corporal, effective ways to turn kids around in their behaviors before it becomes too late.

See this is what’s wrong with the world today....they gone punish a black man for actually giving a damn....he could not be there, and not even care...and then the child would be just another statistic...another want to b thug, in jail, 2 3 babies he not taking care of.. letting the cycle continue. Somewhere the cycle has to break with our youth. My granddaddy whooped my a*s, my uncles, my momma, even my grandma....not to make me tough to learn some damn discipline and some respect..for elders..and for people trying to teach you something..but I guess some of you rather have rappers be role models..i don't understand..somewhere in the last 10 to 20 years we lost it...kids have no fear..no respect...no tradition....then some of you have a nerve to complain about it....its a shame...make that boy do some push ups....sprints..cut grass all that...and then whoop his a*s.....i bet he wont go in that class room no more acting a fool...respect that man for stepping up because half of yall wouldn't even give that boy a time a day...so shut up.

I don't have a problem with what was done. So many people come to the boys defense by saying "this poor innocent kid..." If he was so innocent, he wouldn't have been acting a fool in school. So often we as a society talk about the problems with children now a days, and so often do we forget how things were back during the times when children were better behaved. Times when most children had a basic level of respect for adults, and those that didn't were taught a lesson. There was a time in our history where teachers and other school officials were allowed to spank kids. There was a time when if a child got in trouble at school, he would get a beating from the teacher, neighbor, mailman, corner store owner and stranger before having to answer to his parents. Now a days, kids are terrorizing society with their reckless behavior.

Fuel-Passenger-Flight-Hijack: Intimate Partner Violence

2011-12-12T00:30:00.003-05:00

by Susan Murphy-Milano

Angie never thought when she married her husband in 1988 that she would be "one of those women." Stuck in a relationship with a controlling and violent man. She met her husband in her last year of college. He came from a stable family environment and by all appearances acted normal. While they dated he was very attentive to her. Angie graduated magna cum laude with a masters degree in nursing. They dated for about a year before deciding to marry. The couple settled down in Florida. He had a contacting business and Angie worked at a nearby hospital.

Six months or so into the marriage Angie's husband began with verbal assaults. Angie says "he didn't like me to work extra shifts, you know he always wanted to know where I was at all times. When I didn't come home straight after my shift he would accuse me of fooling around with an intern or doctor on staff. It seemed there was nothing I could do to please him. And yet I was not doing anything wrong. Most nights he found fault over everything from the how I wore my hair to the way I cleaned the bathroom. One night I got called into work a shift. We only had one bathroom and I needed to jump in the shower. On purpose my husband tripped me in the hallway. I should have left then and never returned. But I learned the day before I was pregnant."

Angie said she loved him and believed he was under pressure to make a go of the contracting business. She excused his behavior. Angie wanted to believe his outbursts were only temporary. When Angie announced they were going to have a baby her husband was happy and their relationship improved. Once their daughter was born "he changed all the attention was on the baby, not on him." The fights became physical. Angie stayed because she was too embarrassed to seek help or tell anyone she was a victim of abuse. "My God, I am an educated woman, how could this have happened to me? Where was I going with an infant?"

Angie gave birth to another daughter two years later. She worked part-time at the hospital and on weekends when a shift was available. Trying to see the good in her husband Angie continued to convince herself the rare moments of good were enough to outweigh the bad. Over the years the bad consisted of broken jaws, wrists and ribs. "He would always apologize, nurse me back on my feet and repeat the abuse once I was my old self."

When her oldest entered high school she made an appointment to see an attorney. Angie had money hidden away and could get a job anywhere in the country. Her husband found out and informed Angie "if she went through with a divorce" it would be her death. In no uncertain terms Angie's life had been permanently hijacked.

In 2009, with both her children grown and living their lives, Angie began making arrangements to end the marriage. But she had to do it very carefully. If he got wind of her plans, Angie felt certain she would be dead. Angie was in crisis and required a road-map with directions.

Angie reached out to me and we formulated a plan of action. She started taking items from the home that would not be missed. Angie secured a post office box and a cell phone from Walmart that could not be tracked.

She was very careful not to tell anyone. Following the information in both the Moving Out Moving On book and the Time's Up guide, Angie at her own pace moved forward.

This past Thursday, Angie prepared a letter to her husband, informing him she had left. This is important as he would have reported her missing. Her attorney advised against it, I argued it was necessary to do for many reasons. With everything she needed already in another state in her new home, Angie placed the letter on the counter and headed out to the driveway where her girlfriend was waiting to take her to the airport.

Saturday Angie spent the first night of what will be many in her new home. Sunday morning she called to report how good she felt. "My life, I have control of my life."

A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy or fear. A good relationship is one where both partners are treated with mutual respect and love.

Angie's life was hijacked by an abusive relationship. She embarked on a journey in 1988 with the goal of living happily ever after. Instead, Angie became a passenger on a flight of never ending violence and abuse. Once she took the steps to take back her life and implement a plan of action that fit her needs, Angie was no longer a passenger, but a survivor. In the middle of her life she changed flight plans, charting her own course to a life without the fear of violence.

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusiverelationship. The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship"is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on Amazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship, create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman,Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"from Courage Networkon Vimeo.

If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

CHRISTMAS MEMORIES

2011-12-09T06:43:00.001-05:00

By Charles Moncrief

In 1963 Edward Pola and George Wyle wrote the popular Christmas song “It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year". In that year pop singer Andy Williams recorded the song on his first Christmas album. Many of us, if we remember Andy Williams, associate the song and the man as inseparable.

Associations are powerful for us. One of the doctors in the TV series “MASH” was operating on a fatally wounded soldier on Christmas day. When he realized he couldn’t save the patient, he desperately tried to keep the soldier alive until after midnight because he didn’t want the man’s children to remember Christmas as “the day Daddy died”.

A beautiful woman in the Dallas area may forever associate Christmas with a horrible accident. 23-year-old model and fashion editor Lauren Scruggs walked into an airplane propeller following a flight with a friend one night. She had gone up to see Christmas lights from a special perspective, and it was costly. We don’t know much about the details of the accident, though we know her injuries are horrible. The combination of darkness and a propeller spinning at approximately 1,000 rpm caused the accident that a pilot of light aircraft fear most. The injuries took her hand and lacerated her face.

A prosthetic hand can be fitted and functional. Injured muscles can be retrained. Even a damaged brain can be taught to adapt to changing synapse patterns. But it is my prayer that Lauren will receive the love and support, the nurture and counseling, so that this accident is not the dominant association for Christmas in her life. Hopefully, Lauren’s support base will enable her to tap into the depths of her courage so she can rebuild positive associations.

What are your Christmas memories? Are they good, not so good, or horrible? Many of us have a combination of all these.

This is my toast to you for Christmas and the coming year:

That you will experience a special gift of God’s presence in your life.

That your descending relationships will take a turn for the better.

That your good relationships will ascend to new heights.

That the coming year may be for you an occasion of unbounded blessings.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+