Our Journey Together

Happy New Year

2013-01-01T18:02:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone. This past year brought some of the most raw emotional experiences that we ever experienced that were also some of the sweetest. Even though we will miss Susan every minute of every day, we are determined to live in a place of joy and without regret. We discovered anew the richness of friends and family as they gathered around us in our time of tragedy. We learned great lessons from Susan herself as she uncovered what she called the “blessings” in her cancer diagnosis. She listed some of those as personal growth, new friends, and letting go of what is not important. She is amazing (present tense) and we look forward to a joyous reunion, meanwhile we have a lot of living to do. In 2013 we look forward to the birth of a new granddaughter and reuniting with old and new friends. We anticipate some traveling, continuing to assist Huy with the care and feeding of a soon- to- be four year old, playing golf, and enjoying retirement.

These are my New Year's thoughts and goals as we start again.

1.       What I want to be known for: kindness.
2.       Point always to the truth of the cross. We are born to die but redeemed to live eternally if we are safe in Christ. Focus on the eternal.
3.       Love extravagantly and unconditionally. You don't know how much time you have to lavish care and affection on the people you cherish. Tell them often and sincerely.
4.       Give extravagantly. Same as above. For me, the best gift is time but thoughtful and caring gestures are important too.
5.       Forgive quickly and often. No one is perfect.
6.       Make memories, lots of them, with those you care about.
7.       Work on being a better listener. Give people the courtesy of your full attention when you are with them.
8.       Encourage, affirm, and build up those in your presence. (you is kind, you is smart, you is important)
9.       Live without regrets. If you have regrets, fix them while you still have time.
10.   Practice happiness and find joy in all things. You may not be able to change your circumstances but you can choose your reaction.

Three Weeks

2012-12-19T20:57:00.003-05:00

We are three weeks since Susan departed for her new home. We have cried many tears and also laughed and smiled many times. Tan keeps us amused and busy, his little mouth does not stop now and I asked Paul the age old question tonight "is there an echo in here." There will be many opportunities for posts and musings later, but I wanted to publish a photo memorial that Huy put together. He used many of the photos that we cherish and I think you will appreciate this tribute.
http://youtu.be/dP43PumoxnE

2012-11-28T14:17:00.002-05:00

SUSAN R. COMEAU-NGUYEN

4/8/71 - 11/27/2012

Susan R. Comeau-Nguyen, age 41, peacefully slipped into eternal life on November 27, 2012. She bravely fought a three year battle with cancer with faith, courage, and determination to overcome. She died at home, surrounded by her family who with joy and tears released her into the arms of God. We are thankful that Susan can now R.I.P - “Rejoice in Paradise” for eternity.

Susan was born in Fairfield, Maine, on April 8, 1971 to Paul and Rebecca Comeau. She attended schools in Maine and Texas, and graduated from Belfast (Maine) Area High School in 1989. After a time of traveling and working, she found herself in Colorado Springs where she graduated from the University of Colorado Springs with a Masters in Community Counseling. She established a counseling practice in which she applied her talents and compassion assisting people to overcome the fears and sorrows that held them back. She took particular satisfaction in mastering Spanish and being able to assist clients who spoke that language. Susan was an alumna of Pathways Core Training and derived much satisfaction from that program and the people she encountered through that experience. Right up until her final moments, she was actively working by arranging for immigration paperwork and soliciting Christmas presents for a disadvantaged family. She was a constant advocate for the disenfranchised, the victim, and the hurting. Along the way, she enjoyed living or traveling to Iceland, Germany, Spain, Mexico, and home to Maine as often as possible. Susan had a thirst for life, a positive attitude, and an unstoppable joy of living that rubbed off on everyone who came in contact with her.

Susan is survived by her husband, Huy Nguyen of Colorado Springs, and her beloved son, Tan Michael Paul Nguyen, age 3. She is also survived by her parents of Colorado Springs and Florida; sister, Tracey Rich and husband Joe, and soon-to-be-born niece Rebecca Ann of Auburn, Maine; her brother, Scott Comeau of Manchester, New Hampshire; maternal grandparents, Paul and Lucille Audet of Sidney, Maine; maternal aunts and uncles, and many cousins. She was predeceased by her grandmother, Elaine Comeau, and beloved uncle, Michael Comeau. It would be impossible to list the innumerable people that considered Susan a true and constant friend. Susan was a self-avowed “people collector” and once that relationship was established, it remained for life. One of the “blessings” of her cancer diagnosis and treatments, she said, were the many new friends that came into her life. She was a friend, confidant, and counselor to many and her wisdom and love will be missed.

The family would like to extend our appreciation to Dr. Carmen Matei and her associates, as well as the entire staff of Rocky Mountain Cancer Center for their caring and compassionate expertise.

In keeping with Susan’s wishes and in lieu of flowers, accounts have been established with several Microloan foundations in Susan’s name. Microloans are small loans given to selected entrepreneurs in impoverished nations to assist them in financing their plan for ending the cycle of poverty and having a better life. When the small loans are repaid, the funds are then loaned to others. In this way, Susan’s legacy of helping will live on indefinitely all over the world and help hard-working people achieve freedom from hunger and want. Memorial gifts may be directed to Rebecca Comeau, 4801 Daybreak Circle S, Colorado Springs, 80917, these funds will be applied to the “Susan R. Comeau-Nguyen Freedom Fund” through Kiva or Zidisha. For more information on the impact of microloans, please see www.Zidisha.org.

Susan asked that no services be held. Instead, friends and family are encouraged to spend an hour or more ‘paying it forward’ and doing an extravagantly generous act of kindness or service either intentional or random for someone in need, whether stranger or friend. Please let us know how these acts blessed someone so we can detail the results on Susan’s blog and inspire others to live and give sacrificially as Susan did. The blog address is www.ourjourneytogether-susan.blogspot.com.

The Greatest Gift

2012-11-24T09:56:00.000-05:00

One of the side effects of our living in Colorado and so far from my natural family in Maine was their inability to help us. Oh, we got the calls and cards and gifts by mail, but the eye contact, hugs, and arms around the shoulders were not possible. We were struggling alone and they knew it.

We played the balancing act of trying to keep them informed but truthfully, it was hard for them to perceive just how disabled Susan was because her posts, blogs, and phone calls were always so positive. She was absolutely going to beat this and live to a ripe, old age and wouldn't ever consider the alternatives. And that was the message she delivered.

My sister Eve had mentioned to me that when we were at the end and needed help, she would take a week vacation and come to Colorado. And then, we got an idea. She had some time, I had some Southwest credits and found a reasonable flight from Boston. We discussed if it was too soon? Should she wait and come later when Susan was at the very end and help was more needed? But she and Joe decided that it was best to come while Susan was still pretty good and could enjoy a visit. So it was done and Evie was coming to Colorado on Saturday, November 17th (Thanksgiving Week) and leaving a week later on Nov 24th. She had a long day getting from Burnham to Boston, then a long flight and then the drive from Denver to Colorado Springs. Terri, our upstairs neighbor insisted on picking her up and Evie dragged through the door about 11pm. She was exhausted but with us safe and sound.

Evie was brainstorming what to do while with us, how to make her time count. We discussed that Susan was deep
ly into reminiscing and story telling. She wanted to hear about the lives of those she loved and hear their stories. So we did a good bit of that and Evie bought some arts and crafts do do with us. She brought the beginnings of a wall quilt with painted hand prints; a book for Tan, and fresh energy. Mostly Evie brought strength, stability, perspective, and support to our exhausted and sad little family, She did errands with me, lots of dishes; and organized my cupboards and closets with an admonition to keep them that way, Her experience in lifting and turning disabled persons was enormously helpful as Susan was so helpless at that point and everything we did was difficult. Even meeting her physical needs and tasks so simple as changing the bed were complicated. Evie pitched in with cheerfulness and as I said before, fresh energy, We did get out to the Garden of the Gods and Glen Eyrie for part of an afternoon. I was happy to show Evie part of the beauty of the region. It was a good week.

Thanksgiving was an adventure but not especially in the good sense. We got the dinner cooking and we all decided that Susan would get dressed and up and out of bed for part of the day. That took unbelievable amount of effort and when we got her out to the living room she wanted to eat. Then. So weI fixed her a plate and she did the best she could. We got dinner on the table for us and just sat down to eat when she needed to go back to bed. Then. So, we left our dinner and got her to bed and brought our plates into the bedroom to be with her. It was all good.

Friday, we got a visit from the Hospice physician who spent some time reviewing Susan's records and did a physical assessment. He frankly felt that she was in reasonable condition. We were managing her well, keeping her nourished and hydrated and meeting all of her physical needs as well as we could. Evie and I sat in the living room with him and he stated that if all went well, we could hope she would be with us through Christmas. We accepted that word with just that - hope. But it wasn't to be.

Evie left on the next day, Saturday. Headed back to Maine in another long, exhausting travel day, Terri insisted on driving her back to the Denver airport and in exchange for that effort, I made her a chocolate meringue pie. Evie mentioned to Terri something to the effect that leaving like that (knowing she would never see Susan again) was one of the most difficult thing she had ever done. It was truly bittersweet for each of us.

Evie thoughts were prophetic as Susan died only three days later yet even then we were blindsided by how swiftly it happened at the end. I was stunned at how timely her visit was and how important it was that she listened to that little voice and made the trip when she did. I was likewise stunned at how her trip, travel and time bolstered us and in no small way gave us a shot of courage just when we needed it most. Evie's presence at our darkest and saddest time was the greatest gift I have ever received. I will always be grateful for my loving and giving sister,

Party Time - October 20, 2012

2012-10-20T15:59:00.000-04:00

During the fight of our lives, one of the facts that Susan took great satisfaction in was that she had beaten all of the dire predictions. In truth, the predictions about life expectancy or prognosis were shielded from us. Dr. Matai and her team simply didn’t go there, ever. I think I can understand this (I could be wrong) but I believe they don’t like to give false hope – or squelch true hope. Much is written about how patients with truly serious disease can beat it and how the power of prayer, ferocious will to live, and an unstoppable positive spirit can be as or more beneficial than the toxic poisons they pump in.

So, coming up on the third anniversary of the weekend that changed our lives, Susan announced that it was party time! A celebration was in order to commemorate three years of living with and thus beating the cancer that had changed our lives. And so, Susan being Susan, she took control and planned a party!!

First of all, the menu. She vetoed my offer of cooking and said that we were all taking the day off. She googled the menu at Texas Roadhouse and promptly ordered pulled pork; cornbread, beans, salads and all of her favorite sides. Next, the guest list; all of the folks and family who had stood by her through all of these days. Jimmy, Marilyn, Terri, Chris, Jan and Roger were invited and those who could joined Paul and I, Huy and Tan and enjoyed the victorious afternoon. It didn’t matter that the disease was probably winning. It didn’t seem important that Susan sat in her wheelchair for the party. On this Saturday afternoon in October 2012, we declared victory and celebrated. We celebrated loss and gain, new friends, new perspectives, deeper faith, appreciation for family and friends, a wonder child, laughter and joy, but mostly, we celebrated Susan!!

Everyone should throw themselves a party from time to time!!!

People Collecting

2012-10-15T22:25:00.000-04:00

My son Tan is a friendly three year old who loves people. So much so, he is quick to hug, stroke or touch others as he hasn't learned "boundaries" yet. He refers to his groups as his "people," as if he does in fact own them, and in his way he does. He operates in this community, as much as the rest of us. He teaches me so much about interacting with our community and I like to remind myself to be sure my boundaries don't become excuses to with hold loving touches from those who need them.

One thing you may not know about me is that I am an avid craigslister. I am commonly greeted with questions about my purchases or sales. People suspect I love a bargain, who doesn't? I think though, that I got hooked by the amazing people, I was given the gift, of meeting on that day for that reason.

I purchased a gift today on craigslist and the owner brought it to me. Your not gonna get a lot offers from sellers to deliver on a $10 purchase so this was special. The world is full of kind and generous people you can find them everywhere.

One day, Dad and I were chasing down an electrolux vacuum, when we met Morris. He gave us a tour of his home and related the history of it and local things. Longest sale of a vacuum on record. Just kidding. It was the most fun any of the three of us had in awhile and we all said so. Have you ever wanted to check out those bungalows downtown? I had an appointment, so we had to leave sooner than we wanted, so sadly we made unkept promises to return and left. I just have to reiterate it was hands down...most fun purchase of all time and the treat was meeting Morris.

Susan

Happy Birthday

2012-09-14T21:19:00.000-04:00

Every now and again you meet someone who is so special you know they are your life to stay. I didn't know this about JP at first but I knew I wanted it so. I fell in love with JP and her entire family. They are close knit, like my own family, but they are loud and funny and full of life.

Today, I would like to wish her a Happy Birthday. You are a wonderful friend. I appreciate your generosity, your concern and your ever listening ear. You are a kind woman who has seen your share of sorrow. I pray that God will reward you with quiet, happy days from this point on.

I pray you will be a part of my life for a long, happy time. I sincerely love you from the bottom of my heart.

video provided to gift you with a smile...He loves you too!

Susan

2012-09-14T16:12:00.001-04:00

It is only when you despair of all ordinary means, it is only when you can convince it that it must help you or you perish, that the seed of life in you stirs itself to provide a new resource. Robert Collier

When Bad News Arrives

2012-09-08T16:09:00.002-04:00

It seems that in this life there are to be tests, trials and tribulations. I know you are having yours, just as I am having mine. It is how we handle them that defines us as people, in my opinion. I think I have given readers and friends the misconception that I handle things well, better than most, but I don't.

When I first receive bad news, I like to reserve a day or two for sulking. I find it helpful to mope, cry, vent, and get it out as thoroughly as possible. Next, I go into problem solving or acceptance mode. Finally, I return to a more public life and work on keeping my attitude focused on the positive.

It is true, that I feel a great peace in my spirit. I attribute this to my prayer life, faith, and my belief in Heaven. I am complimented often on my attitude and my ever present smile. Please know that these are accomplished with a fair amount of maintenance. It does not come naturally.

Susan

Homesick

2012-08-30T14:31:00.000-04:00

Today must have been a nice day in Maine because my relatives were at camp on China Lake and pictures were posted on Face book. The lake was as smooth as glass and they were taking the boat out. The kids were swimming and the adults were visiting and I would have loved to be there.

As I remain home bound and bed bound, I think a lot about where I would like to go and what I would do. Sometimes. I invite my mother and we plan a whole day. I have a steady supply of visitors who come to cheer me. I am so grateful for that, so much better to visit live and in person. I am going to love "in person", whenever I can, once I am on my feet. I wince, when I remember how many times I promised to stop by, call or meet someone for lunch but didn't.

If you have an opportunity to see your extended family take advantage. Family relationships are fragile and can get lost or damaged easily. I recently missed out on seeing cousins I haven't seen since I was a teenager. We grow up and spread out, go to college, move to dream locations and then we are broke and don't come home for awhile. I hope to change this for me and my son. I need to get back on my feet and get home more often. I cannot walk at the moment but this gives me motivation to do my daily excercising to facilitate this so I can.

God Bless You All!!

Susan

Take it to Jesus by Tamela Mann

2012-08-26T16:49:00.001-04:00

My Wheelchair

2012-07-21T14:56:00.000-04:00

My wheel chair was stolen out of the hospital while I was having a procedure done. It was not a hospital chair, but a loaner from a dear friend. When we got ready to leave, we were horrified at this discovery, as were the hospital staff who promised to find it and return it to us.

Life is full of ups and downs, and I suppose that this wheelchair symbolizes that for me. I never wanted to be a forty year old woman in a wheelchair but I can't get around without it so I am grateful for it. I am working with a Physical Therapist to recover my leg strength and walk unassisted again. I am making progress and hope to put this one away again real soon.

Sometimes, it is not how you get there but the journey itself that is important. Every once and awhile, it is how you get there. I can assure you that God didn't let us suffer long with the heavy hospital wheelchair. He provided us with a similar used transport chair and then returned the original back to us. I have been incredibly supported by so many people, which is represented, by the way the chair holds me physically and carries me to where I need to go as I recover.

Other times, or, and also, it is the journey. I am learning about friendship, health, navigating the medical health system, communication, patience and so on and so forth. You may call me amazing for having a good attitude in times of crisis but I will continue to shrug you off. I have to focus on the tasks at hand. I don't want to waste any energy on something that will detract from my success and my outcome. For now, whether I be working physically, spiritually, or otherwise, I am working on learning what I am meant to learn. So, that I may proceed on to what may be a more pleasant aspect of this journey and I will try to maintain a good attitutude. There are plenty of bad attitude days as well.

This is the wheelchair that was taken and returned. I had the photo taken in the flower garden my upstairs neighbor planted for me to cheer my window.

Susan

Facebook Post and Picture

2012-06-15T11:07:00.002-04:00

My Secondary Diagnosis

2012-06-12T18:22:00.000-04:00

On May 3, I had a Doctors appointment and learned I have leptomengial disease, which means my cancer has spread to my brain. I had a heads up on May 1 because I had a MRI and Dr. Matei called me a couple hours following my procedure. When I did finally see her she told me that to diagnosis this kind of cancer was hard to do and that the prognosis is very poor. 2-4 months with out treatment and with treatment possibly up to a year.

Sadly, the most devastating thing she said was that I was retiring that day, I had clients scheduled and would have to cancel them. How do you cancel a whole caseload without warning? I'm s,orry so and so I wont be seeing you today or ever again. Although what came next was also upsetting she sent me to Penrose hospital for a spinal tap collection of fluid and intrathecal spinal tap chemortherapy which has now turned to 7 procedures.

I am now receiving the intrathecal chemotherapy directly into my brain through my Ommaya at Rocky Mountain Cancer Center. I had surgery on May 30 to place the Ommaya port in my head.

Susan

My delicious morning

2012-05-31T15:42:00.003-04:00

Coffee is a beautiful ritual to tell yourself ...I love you. To hear it brewing, smell it and anticipate it are so much fun. My favorite part is preparing the blonde and sweetness aspect and stirring it all in...such an event. Then sipping til it cools just til perfect. And if you could see the view I have from my hospital bed of the city and mountains you would be jealous of me. Garden of the Gods is perfectly framed in the window. I'm having a lovely morning.

Cheers!

Susan

St Patrick's Breastplate Prayer

2012-05-24T16:28:00.002-04:00

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever.

By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan river;
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the cherubim;
The sweet 'well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

2012-05-14T21:04:00.001-04:00

Dear family and friends,

this week we reached a milestone in Susan’s battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed with Leptomeningeal carcinoma which started as involvement of the lining of the spinal cord and brain and has now spread to the brain itself.

The symptoms are numerous and include problems with balance, dizziness, loss of sensation in her feet and hands, and on and on. The treatment includes both direct chemo injected into her spinal canal and radiation to the whole brain daily last week and this week. The treatments themselves are difficult and have many side effects.

Her prognosis for survival has been shortened although we still affirm that God will have the last word on this. The escalation of her disease has now required that she close her private counseling practice and retire. Susan has been an effective and compassionate practitioner and has enabled scores of patients to move forward again in their lives in a constructive and positive way. She will still be available by phone and email to some degree and we are thankful for that.

We are hunkering down for battle and covet your prayers and concern. On a more practical matter, many have asked what they can do, or expressed that they want to help. I asked Susan’s permission to post this so here is the long and short of it for those of you who are sincere in your offer. Susan has some credit card and other debt that she has been struggling to pay off. She has gotten behind due to her inability to work and is starting to get those collection phone calls. We have started a fund to settle these debts and take this load off her shoulders. To put it plainly, instead of sending the $4.99 Hallmark card, send her the $4.99 instead, with a little handwritten note of care and encouragement.

God bless you all for your continued support and prayer,

Becky Comeau

A Favorite Song Of Mine

2012-05-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

I have always enjoyed this song.

Susan

Suffering

2012-02-11T17:32:00.002-05:00

Guest Blog Written By Jo

Susan’s Christmas post on this blog was an honest cry from a brave and faithful woman who was suffering. I know that she’s had many difficult days since that post. How do we come to grips with suffering, our own and others’?

Like Susan and Becky and many of you, I am blessed to have been raised by parents of a courageous faith. Amazing friends who bear witness to their trust in God surround me. I have been with many in their suffering—family, friends and precious patients in my hospice career. Faith and suffering are hardly strangers to each other.

I have just come from my regular visit with my great friend (since we were 18) Mac. Godfather to my son, Mac was a healthy, vigorous pillar of his church when for reasons we will never know, he suffered a massive stroke three years ago. Today, as other days, I wiped food from his face, rearranged his paralyzed limbs and combed his hair. We talk about old times, but he is easily tearful and confused. He is in pain. He will never be able to leave a nursing facility.

I went from the nursing home to meet up with his wife, my college roommate and still my best friend, Jane, in the home where she and Mac raised my godchild; Jane usually takes a break from the visit schedule that is her life when she knows I am at the facility. While she got ready for us to go out and grab a bite, I pondered a photograph on her wall that I took during one of our many combined family vacations. We were on the North Carolina Outer Banks, and the picture shows an outdoor shower stall at our rented house near the beach. You can see two sets of feet that face each other, just visible at the bottom of the stall. Mac and Jane. The caption I had inscribed on that framed picture was “Whither thou goest, I will go.” It was funny at the time. Now, during our dinner, I listened to Jane’s struggles as I do most every day -- how those words from the Book of Ruth are now lived out in her life.

I have no answer for why people suffer. I cared for my parents through excruciating suffering. (I remember wanting to bite the head off a chaplain intern who preached in the hospital chapel, where my dad was dying of brain cancer, that “if you aren’t getting better, your faith is lacking.”) I saw two of my children through mental illness—one of them suicidal and hospitalized off and on for years—as a result of childhood sex abuse. I have held, and listened to, the prayers of my brothers and sisters in faith as part of my church’s prayer ministry. I am about to check in on another great friend who last week heard the diagnosis of malignant melanoma. It’s a mystery, all this pain. But here’s what I believe.

Suffering is part of our human condition, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. I don’t know why some get more or less, better or worse. But I know that God does not will it, and I believe God cries for us. Sometimes, in prayer, I think I can almost hear God crying.

Many people share their “wisdom” on suffering: I read that “suffering is God’s megaphone to a deaf world.” What an awful thing to say. A god who slams us, his children, with pain and suffering to get our attention is not the God of love I know and worship. We are not guaranteed earthly safety, clarity, or no pain. We are promised, with a love that outlasts everything, that we are never alone. (You and I are part of that promise when we choose to be present for others.)

I believe in an incarnate, fully human Jesus that was far more than a lovely painting. He was oppressed and afflicted, “a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief.” Like you and Susan and Mac and me. There is no difficult place we can be where Jesus has not been.

I do believe in miracles and have seen them. I don’t know why some people get them and some people don’t. If I really understood, then they wouldn’t be miracles. But I know that miracles come in all sizes and shapes, and sometimes we don’t recognize them.

We do not suffer to learn a lesson, but we can sometimes learn something new because of it. Viktor Frankl was a concentration camp survivor who struggled to make sense of what happened to his family, became a noted psychologist and author. “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning,” observed Frankl. And that meaning is not why it happened, it is what we might do with it. My daughter found meaning from her years of profound illness by becoming an amazing ICU nurse-specialist, intimately present for the most frightened and most ill. I found meaning in my losses by dedicating my work to improving care of the very sick. Susan has found meaning in continuing her counseling to ease the pain of others, even as she experiences her own pain. And she endures to be a Mom.

It’s all a mystery that I hold up to God every day. And even though I can’t be clear on the answer, I know I am heard, and I know the answer is there but out of my sight. I choose to take comfort in the belief that all will be well through God’s love.

I claim that all will be well with Susan.

Well Wishes From A Dear Friend

2012-02-07T21:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Susan,
You are on my heart, love you. Ride out your storm, you been in this storm, it seems like forever and your night of confusion has been oh so long .you ship has lost anchor, and the storms have you drifting, on this morning come ride out the storm, God's right there with you, though may not feel him, but you are not alone hold on to Jesus .

AR

My Christmas Wish

2011-12-24T21:53:00.003-05:00

Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
(Isaiah 58:8 ESV)

Father,

I am praying tonight and asking that you send me a Christmas miracle. I pray that life would return swiftly to my body. I long to play with my son. I want to have energy to serve You, to mother my child, to be a wife to husband, to work and play and live fully.

You have made many promises to me, both personally and in your Word and I claim them tonight. You said in Matthew 7:7 that if I ask and it will be given to me; if I seek I will find; and if I knock you will open the door for me. So Father, I am asking you for a health better than I knew before cancer, I am seeking your will over my life and strength because I am so frustrated, and I am banging on this door with all my might that You would hear me and open.

Romans 8:11 promises life to my mortal body because Your Spirit dwells within me. You have answered my urgent cry regarding my fatigue in Isaiah 40 when you said, that they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

I have tried to be a good student through this experience and on this part of my journey. I have worked hard to keep my head up and a positive attitude securely in place. I confess that I am getting tired and that I feel sad because this is not the life that I want to live. It is not how I wanted to treat my child, when I finally had one, and it is not a life that I sincerely believe does me justice. I have too much to give to lay in bed too weak to move around and be useful. I pray for your mercy and ask that you heal me quickly because I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take.

I ask for forgiveness for where I have fallen short and I am working to practice forgiveness and patience in my life. I admit, I don't think I am very good at this yet but it is a work in progress. I hope for continued guidance and direction of where I need to improve and to respond faithfully where I am needed.

I pray all of this Father in Jesus' name, who died for me that I might live abundantly,

Susan

A Full Serving of Christmas Joy

2011-12-16T22:52:00.004-05:00

My sister is here from Maine and we are trying to get all of our holiday celebrating in before she leaves. Sadly, it is only a week past chemotherapy so I am dragging a bit. My son is 2 years and 8 months and is in quite awe of all things Christmas and shiny. Today while he was napping and as I looked on, Mom, Dad and Tracey drug out all the boxes of Christmas decorations and put up the tree.

When I was a single woman I bought glass hummingbirds and glass three tiered bells for my Christmas decorations. These are not toddler friendly and he has a real tendency to be rough or wing things across the room. This year Dad had this brilliant idea to decorate the tree with my little wee bears which really brought me back. www.weebearvillage.com They are so cute and so funny. Check out the website. I have almost all of them.

I discovered them in a coffee shop, years ago, and found that they were way too irresistible to pass up. I indulged myself, thinking how much delight they would bring the child I hoped to have one day, but they brought me a lot of joy also. When I met Huy and downsized my house they all went into a box and I always felt sort of sad that I didn't display them somehow or have a use for them. I invested quite a bit of money in them and wondered if I had been foolish. Today all those doubts were brought to rest and I was given a full serving of joy as all those past hopes and wishes culminated into a magical moment when his eyes saw the tree and all the animals. He squealed and giggled and looked them all over. There is a crocodile, an octopus, a colorful peacock and on and on. They are all teddy bears wearing a complete and removable costume.

He seemed to know that we had done this for him. I don't believe that he had ever seen the toys before as they had been packed up. I think he thought it was the finest tree he had ever seen. When he saw the pig, he said, "PIG!" and made a pig sound. He kissed the duck costumed bear and said duck. He admired the lights and named the colors. This is going to be a fun Christmas for sure. He found my nesting Santa doll and Grampy helped him take it apart. He lined them all up on the table and then Grammy helped him put them all back together. He then scooped up the Santa and put him back on the table in his original resting spot.

I have a full heart this evening. The memory of this day will be with me always. I want to thank my generous family for all the heavy lifting today that I could not do. I was able to cut and ribbon the ornaments for the tree. I had a nice birds eye view when the magic Christmas moment occurred. It is nice to see the purchases I have made over the years and the special gifts I have safe guarded thrill my child. I think this will be one of my happiest Christmas' yet. It seems so many of my dreams have come true. I pray that God will give me some energy and stamina so that I may participate as much as my heart yearns.

Happy Holidays My Dear Friends,

Susan

Christmas Time!

2011-12-11T17:20:00.000-05:00

If you have not have the pleasure of visiting a retail establishment, and having then been assaulted by Christmas music, then you should be informed that the Christmas time of year has returned. I know that things are different nowadays from when I was a kid. While I am picking up my Halloween candy, I could also select my Christmas candy canes and get a jump start on the Christmas holiday shopping. I am sure you can hear the edge in my voice, I confess, it drives me crazy. I would like an official law passed that no Christmas item can hit the shelves until December first out of respect for Thanksgiving. Ah but I digress, this is in fact a positive blog post. You have to keep that negativity under control or it slips out when you least expect it.

I am curious to know what item, food, or decoration just announces Christmas in your life? It may be hard for you to pick just one thing because it is hard for me. My grandmother always kept Christmas cactus' and they were huge and glorious. I have one in my office that is hot pink and it has 30 or so blooms on it. It is beautiful. It reminds me of Grammie Audet's house. My other grandmother always displayed a ceramic Christmas tree with little colorful lights on it and this revved up the Christmas spirit for me. I have always wanted to have one of those for my office but have yet to obtain one.

The one thing for me though, is the Christmas Angel Tree Topper that my parents purchased when I was a kid to decorate their tree. It was magical for me as a child, and it stirs those feelings in me now when I see it. It is next to me in the chair in this photo. I have given her a makeover. After twenty years her gold wire wings and dress had seen better days. I am forty now and terrified to leave the Christmas tree on if she lit up because I don't trust her wiring. Does it seem silly to you that I am considering having her re-wired?

As you get older, it may begin to seem like a lot of work to unpack all the Christmas decorations and put them all up, only to later take them all down and put them away. It was beginning to feel that way for me. Then the other day, I overheard my husband and son putting up or little 3 foot Christmas tree and lights. My son was extremely impressed and excited. He is fascinated by the lights and the ornaments. I then insisted we find our LL Bean embroidered stockings and hang those. They say Mom, Dad and Tan. He is 2 1/2 and he looked them over, read the names (with help), and then hooked them up with Huy. He reached his arm down into the bottom of a couple of them to see if there was anything in them but found nothing. He loves it and he doesn't even realize what is coming his way.

I hope that while I am helping him understand the true meaning of Christmas that he will also find some special foods and items that stir those holiday feelings for him. We started last year making the sugar cookies painted with colored icing. He liked it. He did paint his tongue quit a bit, though. When Auntie Tracey comes next week we will put up the tree and hang some ornaments. I am really looking forward to this year with my little boy. It reminds me of how important special memories are which is why I look forward to making some.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Susan

Life Lesson #too high to count

2011-12-07T22:49:00.002-05:00

My heart is grieved. My soul is weary. I need some recharging, I guess. As I sit in my chair, eager to be pressed into service, the stories I hear are hard to stomach. I have been wondering when the world went crazy and how bad I want to get off this ride.

Luckily, for me, I can only stand so much of this before I begin searching for an exit stragedy. I just do not like feeling bad and I begin working on shift. I have to shift my thoughts. I have to shift my focus. I need to lift my eyes. I need to do it quick before I get infected. You see these sorts of thoughts and feeling are contagious and this is not what I want to catch. It could lead to me feeling sorry for myself and I refuse to do that, allow that, or live in that space.

I am given this verse tonight and want to share it with you

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8

Susan

The Innocence of Children

2011-12-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

My beautiful son is 32 months old and fast approaching three years old. He has a great sense of humor and is language skills improve by the day. I still cannot keep my eyes off his face. I never tire of looking at him.

My heart is a bit heavy the last few days. My work brings me face to face with the pain and suffering that is so prevalent in this world we live in. We live in a world where people hurt each other, and whether or not the they do it intentionally or carelessly, the consequences are real. It is hard to avoid hearing about it and sadly the triumphs in this life are not broadcast as far or as often.

I write this because we are in the Christmas season. This is a time of celebrating the birth of the child that came to save the world. Yes. it has become very commercialized, but through the eyes of a child it is a beautiful, magical time. My son is awestruck by the lights and the decorations. He looks at the houses and all their adornments with admiration. They glow so pretty in the dark.

I intend to take this heavy heart of mine and work on making this year a time of celebration for my son. I commit to protecting his innocence and I commit to protecting him. I will guard myself when I am angry or tired or feeling sick and respond to him lovingly. I will forgive myself and re-commit when I fall short because I am a human parent.

I will use appropriate discipline that is neither harsh nor abusive because I love him and it is my job to guide him but not harm him. I will remember that I have a voice and an influence in this world. I will continue to shine my light into the world in the hope and prayer that I can make a difference in other children's lives as well. They will grow to be the citizens and neighbors of my son.

I hope and pray that this will be a reminder to you, this Christmas season, to be kind and generous. I hope you will also shine your light into a dark world and offer a hand to lift someone up.

Susan

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16