Tawnda-Monium!

Rock "ME" like a Hurricane? (I think not)

2017-09-09T01:23:00.000-04:00

Maybe it’s because I had cable turned back on at my new house last night and was able to catch up on the significance of Irma. Perhaps it was the mere mention of the Scorpion’s song “Rock you like a Hurricane” today that has left me thinking about the storms we face in life. We all face them – it’s how we prepare, and stay grounded in what we know to be true of ourselves and our circumstances, that determines their impact on us.

For me, it seems life has brought about many super-sized storms from an early age. From those, I’ve learned to be – and that I am indeed…a survivor. The fact that I enjoy the little things of life more now than ever is not shocking to me at all. It’s been an interesting journey – and at this juncture, I want to enjoy life to the fullest, knowing there have been too many times I didn’t choose that option.

In earlier days, I more easily allowed varying "winds" to blow me around because I was too caught up in what society thought I should be; therefore, forgetting who I was at the core. Self-awareness comes with time and experience – through victories and defeat. Truthfully, the failures have revealed far more than the successes. With each outcome though – a deeper understanding and acceptance of the “me” I am today has ensued.

No longer will I acquiesce to the pressures of our culture. There was a time when all I wanted to do was to fit in. With a unique name that I despised early on – I immediately stood out. Because of my longing to be one face in many, blending in to the backdrop … I sometimes became a bit of a chameleon. (I loathe that about the prior versions of me.) Now, I simply refuse to let other influences have that much control. Living that way can be a miserable existence – trust someone who tried that approach far longer than I care to admit.

While working with a Life Coach a few years ago, an incredibly thought-provoking question was posed: She said, “Who were you before the World told you that you should be?” Whoa.... "deep." From an early age we have family, teachers, counselors, friends, politicians, classmates, magazines, and celebrities telling us “who” we should be, what kind of girl, mom, wife, employee, etc. One would think that as the years pass, the “world” would relent and cease telling us who/what/how we should live our lives. I’m here to tell you - Unfortunately, the world STILL tries to tell me who/what/how I should be today. (okay “world” – back off… right?)

For instance, some of the silliness “the world” has said to me in recent years:

· After a certain age, you should ….

o Not wear your hair long – it should “always be above your shoulders”

o Not hang out with friends who are younger than you (shouldn’t it be more about who you “connect” with on a level that is not just familial, not just biological – but whom you actually connect with meaningfully and enjoy?)

o Not wear a Wonder Woman Costume (it’s my favorite outfit… have you not seen the awesome red platform boots???)

o Not dress this way or that… (I’ll dress the way I feel on any given day –some days it’s a business suit and heels – and others it’s shorts, a sweatshirt and baseball cap… and of course, on occasion - red platform boots)

o Not stay out late (I’m a night owl)

o Not go home too early (some of my best nights are quiet nights at home... "Go figure." )

· When hanging with certain groups, it’s more like:

o You shouldn’t spend money on XYZ (but DO spend your hard-earned cash on this other XYZ) – I’m not trying to please the masses – I’ll spend where I find the most bang for my buck (regardless of popular opinion)

o Not blog (Oh, so what I might say may be convicting? Might be incriminating? Hmm… those are your issues – not mine.)

o Don’t hang out with your gay friends? (Um… I love my gay friends – just as much as my straight ones, some even more. I also don’t have to worry that they are my friends because of “ulterior motives”)

o On the subject of male friendships– “if you hang out with guys all the time, people will think you’re sleeping with them.” Really? Could it not just be that they tend to be a bit less dramatic/more authentic than their female counterparts? Whether longtime straight or gay male friends, conversation is real – not cloaked in deception, not competitive… it’s just honest. I know that I am not alone in this mindset as the closest female friends I have share this same perspective.

o Don’t hang out with your “churchy friends” - well, I’ve learned firsthand that “men of the cloth” and the "guys sitting in the pews" aren’t above the rest. In fact, a pious attitude coupled with debaucherously driven actions is so highly disappointing. I’d rather hang out with someone who knows he’s a sinner, admits he’s a sinner – and who doesn’t have to work harder at image management than any other objective in life. DISCLAIMER: Several “priestly” men have truly been closer than a brother… in the most innocent, truly “Christ like”, of ways – this point is not a blanket statement about all guys in church this Sunday!

o You can't say that on social media, in a Bible study, in a lunch discussion, etc. Don't let people know your life is challenging ... they might think it's about ME (more than 1 has said this ludicrous thing... and share the fact that they are far more concerned about their own images than any one person's well being - or their own integrity!)

o You should be married/you should be dating/you should be single (Let me decide…and by the way, this topic is fodder for many a blogpost!) Dating in your 40s… not for the faint of heart!

Back to the “rock you like a hurricane” analogy…Did you know that today marks the anniversary of what has been recorded as one of the deadliest days (and by some estimates, THE deadliest) in our history? War? Disease? Famine? No – ironically, it was a hurricane. It struck Galveston, TX in 1900. Obviously, back then, technology had not been developed to predict nor communicate the impending storm. Citizens were not ordered to evacuate their homes and head for safety. No one was checking in on FB. Jim Cantori nor Al Roker were yet to be broadcasting updates of the impending threat to everyone's peace and well-being. Because entire communities had no advance notice, they were left with no time to adequately prepare and/or escape doom. Their lives were met with – and several sadly ended with, the storm of a lifetime.

It’s not an earth-shattering epiphany. In life, all of us encounter storms. Some, more than others. Tonight, sitting on my balcony – quite content to be home after an early, post-work dinner… reflections on the storms endured thus far and the storms yet to come, flood my thoughts. Through the ones to date – I’ve learned who I am on a deeper level than if life had been "smooth sailing." I am a survivor – a strong female, more content with the “me” today than the “me” of yesterdays.

In preparation for strong winds of conflict to make landfall, not only do I remember who I am, utilizing the knowledge gained from the of the past, but setting aside extraneous annoyances - some once disguised as a safe harbor but now clearly revealed as otherwise. Bracing for impact, placing my mind back on what truly matters, leaning on HE who can be trusted - I am prepared to make it through whatever storms may befall me. There will be many – and with each, knowledge and understanding will increase as to better prepare myself and those I love most, for the next.

Sometimes, when discouragement threatens to darken my personal forecast, I decide to stand taller and more firmly - reminding myself of the depths which have now usurped the shallow places within. I am grounded again. When the winds of life are posing a threat – I hunker down, pushing away the thoughts of inadequacy that once consumed a youthful mind and body. That younger physique would be nice to have back, but I don’t want to go back to that young person i was on the inside. Today, when waves come crashing, i'm better equipped than before - to not just survive – but to emerge better than before.

Life is a journey – one in which we

should always be learning. If the learning stops… so do we. We aren’t to be carbon copies of our neighbors. We are complex, multi-faceted individuals. Every one of us possesses strengths. Everyone also has areas in which we can and should improve. It's not desirable to look or act like everyone else, or especially, like the airbrushed versions of celebs. If only I had understood this sooner ... but then again, this conviction would likely not be as strong today.

A storm is coming. Onward! Go…endure that storm, get up, stand tall, move forward. (Red Platform Boots and lassos are bonus accessories for riding those crazy waves!)

Second song reference for this post: add it to your playilist, turn it up and sing it loudly, the chorus is pretty spot on when your peace or wellbeing is threatened. If others tear you down and try to tell you who you are…Know thyself and stay grounded in the you that you worked hard to become thus far!

. Bitch

Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Songwriters: Meredith Anne Brooks, Shelly M Peiken

For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White (16 of 29)

2016-02-22T20:26:00.002-05:00

Tuesday night = “Bowling Night” in my current stage of life. We’re about halfway through the season, and it's an absolute blast. One of the perks of bowling in this particular league is the social interaction. Thankfully, not only are my team members extremely engaging, but everyone in this league, has a great time and they’re all enjoyable to be around (win or lose.)

Interesting thought tonight though … I’m the lowest scoring “scratch” bowler on the team. The averages of my teammates are significantly higher. We're outranking semi-pro bowlers… you know, those people who actually bowl perfect 300 games. Midway through the season, we are in first place, how ironic with "low-scoring Tawnda" on the team!

The reality that hit me tonight, is that this pin shortfall is my greatest contribution to the team’s performance. (Once those handicaps kick in at the end of each game, boom… it almost looks like I know what I’m doing!)

As is typical of me, I gave this ironic spin a considerable amount of thought tonight. Much like the shortfall that benefits the team… in life I believe our individual shortfalls may be assets. Failed relationships, finances gone awry, sickness, poor choices, legal problems, prodigal children, etc. are hard. At the same time, these challenging life experiences are also phenomenal teachers.

The drawbacks in life, once navigated – give us wisdom to make more informed decisions in and for the future. The painful stuff of life also causes us to be more sensitive to the plight of others. Pain can build character, and no question – pain endured and overcome makes us far more interesting humans. Setbacks also make us grateful.

To close the loop here - Don't waste the lessons learned and the inspiration received in the midst of “handicaps, shortcomings and gutter balls." Enrich the life of those around you with non-judgmental humility, and encouragement. If not a relationship you have the freedom to “speak in to” then by all means, still be empathetic.

For me personally, the people in my life that have gone through the hard stuff …garner more respect. Their opinions matter more to me - because they've been tested and shaped by the storms of life.

Most definitely, I’m all about doing my best – and on Tuesday nights… my best falls short when it comes to raw bowling scores. However, in bowling and in life - I’ll just keep aiming for the middle while continuing to find joy in the game.

Slipped off my Sperry's & put on my very cool, germ-free
bowling shoes... (in a lovely shade of teal... trust me.)

Tonight’s bowling related “simple joys”

· * My very own shoes (not a fan of rentals!)

· *A great group of people each week!

*Lots of laughs/Discounted beer (bonus)

· * Handicaps - with them, we can still “win” (bowling & in life!)

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White (15 of 29)

2016-02-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

Since moving in to my house almost a year ago, my new address has been a respite. It literally feels like a cozy hug, every time I walk in... that's how home SHOULD feel. Before moving in, I had planned on installing a security system – especially now that it’s widely known I live solo.

Intentions weren’t carried through until now. Thankfully, the system is in place and it’s just one more layer of “peace.” Knowing that every door and window has a sensor is comforting, especially, when on occasion I hear an unfamiliar noise on another floor of the house. ADT is monitoring 24/7 for smoke, heat, and intruders... so if a fire ever breaks out while I’m away, or sleeping soundly, they'll send help my way. Being once again a sound sleeper – this is key!

ADT put a note on my account that there are two beloved felines living here… so in the event of an emergency, first responders will be alerted. (With several friends on the local fire department … they’d likely know to get them to safety in my absence...but again, it's another layer of coverage.)

Obviously, I pray there’s never an issue, but now I'm at least better prepared. It may not seem a big deal to some, but I’m extremely grateful for this added layer of protection.

It's time for some treasured deep sleep... goodnight.

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, Looking Back.. in Black & White and Red... (14 of 29)

2016-02-20T15:08:00.002-05:00

Valentine’s Day annoys the crap out of me. It must have been a brilliant marketing strategy by someone in the Greeting card/Gift industry… capitalizing on superficial romantic love, and encouraging insincerity among couples. In fact, this must have been such a lucrative business move that “Administrative Professionals Day”, “Boss’s Day”, “Pastor Appreciation MONTH” eventually followed. Valentine’s is the absolute worst though. Hear me out; this is not at all because I find myself single. “Hallmark Holidays” were equally loathed when I was married …for the most part.

When the children were little, it was great fun helping them decorate “shoeboxes" for school parties and aiding in selecting just the right Disney/Power Ranger/ Barbie/ /Pokemon, etc. sentiment from the assorted packs for each of their classmates. At the time, it didn’t seem like a bad precedence was being established which would lead to inflated romantic expectations later. (still doesn’t.) Those were fun years!

my babies... miss this age so much sometimes.

Once my cherubs made it to the tween years, whether my then-husband was traveling or not, I began a new tradition with them. On Valentines Evening, we would have a very formal dinner, usually with Shrimp Scampi as the main course. (Chocolate covered strawberries were a "must"... and still often are!) There were many reasons for celebrating as a family. It was a special time gathered as a family, we celebrated familial love, and as a bonus, it was another opportunity to help my little ones become accustomed to dining on fine china and employing proper etiquette! They actually seemed to enjoy these times as well.

As the years progressed, and my little ones approached dating – intentional (still enjoyable) discussions were held around the table about their future spouses. We talked seriously about relationships and expectations. We discussed Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.” It was fun to talk about each of their own "wiring" and it was fun to see if they could pick up on others'. So, those years, Valentines Day was special…on yet a different level.

Fast forward a bit, my children became adults… no longer was there a family Valentine’s Dinner. I had an increasing soft spot for widows though, maybe because both of my grandmothers had been widowed, perhaps because I “adopted” another grandma at church who was a widow herself.

Suzanne...aka "Gram" - my adopted grandma.

My heart’s prompting turned to action. Several years ago, I obtained “approval” and a budget for a Valentine's Banquet in Honor of All Widows. At the time, I rallied several staff friends to serve food, refill beverages, play background music, take formal portraits, usher, host, set the tables with fine china, etc. It was a huge team effort and I’m so grateful to have been part of that team for so long.

Several of the servers/ushers that made the Banquets special!

On the first of several Banquet days, I watched closely as every detail unfolded. Well-dressed ladies were escorted to their tables by one of many gentlemen, wearing white button downs and red bow ties. The sounds of classical piano and viola softly welcomed them as they found the place that had been lovingly and beautifully set just for them. Gifts for each of the ladies were put in their hands as they left. In the gift bags were several carefully chosen items, including a very quickly framed formal photo – of them, to take home. The photographer took photos upon their arrival and while lunch was being served, "runners" were EXPEDIENTLY getting photos developed and in to the appropriate frames. There was a lot of preparation going in to these events, but so, so worth it!

Side note: I’ve learned that this demographic (keep in mind - all widows are not elderly) is too often overlooked by the camera lens. Having framed professional photos to take home seemed a good idea, but the impact was priceless...

The responses from that inaugural Valentine's event literally blew me away. Each thank you note was a treasure. One sweet lady called after receiving the invitation. She was sobbing – in the 20+ years that she had been without her husband, not one person had acknowledged her on Valentines in any way. The actual banquet hadn't occurred yet - so just to have been invited

touched her heart.

"Gram" & Sally... 2 faces I miss dearly!

So, it’s true – I’m not a fan of “manufactured” or forced romantic gestures on this Hallmark Holiday, however, the phone call(s), grateful words, hugs and smiles on the faces of these women – made Valentine’s Day truly meaningful that first year and each that followed.

Having left my position several months ago, I sit here wondering what the Banquet was like this year. On one hand, my heart is a little heavy because I wasn’t part of something that felt like “my baby.” On the other hand, knowing years later, the widows from FBC are still being honored and loved on by the team I left behind, fills my heart.

A pastor/friend encouraged me recently. He pointed out that a big part of my legacy at the place I invested so much of my adult life - is the annual Valentine's Banquet. I hadn’t thought about it, but suppose it’s true. The thought pleases me.

My Valentine’s Date this year is quiet, introspective, writes a lot while sitting at a table – and is not at all social today. My date has learned to not just be comfortable dining alone, but finds it rather enjoyable at times. My “date” is simply grateful for the memories of Valentine’s Days past…. those very special meaningful times... not the "Hallmark stuff."

These reflections are so much more meaningful than a card, candy, or jewelry prompted by a calendar. (Any other day of the year - BRING IT ON.) For now, it's time to dig into some Extra hot Buffalo tenders ... how "romantic" right? Actually, it's pretty perfect.

1/2 & 1/2 tea & copious amounts of water to wash down
the perfectly un-dainty, non-formal, solitary dinner:
Buffalo Tenders, celery, & lots of blue cheese,!
PERFECTION.

me, myself, and my date.

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, slightly a mess - and in Black & White (13 of 29)

2016-02-18T15:49:00.000-05:00

Being on “sabbatical” makes every night a Friday night… and every morning a Saturday. Sometimes I’ve got to look at my phone to see what day it actually is, because the days are running together so very easily, and the time I’ve taken off from the “working world” is going by at lightning speed! However, today is actually a Saturday… and I get to spend most of it with a fabulous girlfriend.

Needing a quick caffeine boost before meeting Michelle, I’m waiting for the Keurig to warm up and I'm staring at perhaps the messiest cabinet in my entire house. Yet, my OCD doesn’t kick in… Here’s why.

Multiple cats, butterflies, Wonder Woman themed,
Inspirational, & Scrabble mugs, along with Starbucks
souvenirs from around the world greet me daily.
Some times it really is the "Little Things."

Each of the casual mugs in this frequented cupboard means something special to me. 90% were gifts from my children which automatically make them cherished. What makes each mug especially significant is that I’m "known" by my 3 cherubs and by the friends who've contributed to this collection. (Several missing are in the dishwasher...so this conglomeration would be even more disturbing to the analytical eye if they were clean...you're welcome.)

If you know me well at all, you know there is special significance to butterflies, cats, and yes – for many years “Wonder Woman.” So, this is indeed a simple pleasure for which I’m grateful… a treasure trove of mugs symbolizing people, places, events and meaningful things that are treasured in my heart now and always. This cupboard may be slightly a mess… but that’s okay… its representative of me. (I’m definitely slightly a mess…. on my best of days!)

Still, this little mess before me makes me smile. It's like a little daily hug. Boom.

(Coffee’s done… time to come alive…there’s a full, fun day ahead.)

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, Male & Female, & in Black & White (12 of 29)

2016-02-18T14:10:00.000-05:00

There is a myth that guys and girls cannot be friends - in some cases, that may be true. However, I have ALWAYS had a core group of guy friends. Typically, they are easier going and seem to possess a bit more emotional stability than "many" females. My male compadres tend to be as averse to drama as I…which is a HUGE BONUS. Fortunately, there are a handful of great guys I can honestly say I love as a brother. Because of their presence in my life, a steady sweet protective spirit, and an air of authenticity (and fun) enriches my life.

One “brother” has been around over 2 ½ decades…and is one of my longest lasting, most meaningful friendships. Over the last 2 ½ decades, he has changed tires; rescued me when my mustang was stuck on ice; moved me and my daughter from one apartment to another, and so forth. More than anything, he’s been there for me on days I couldn’t stop crying…and yes, he’s been there on days I’ve struggled with dating dilemmas - decades ago, and now again as I find myself navigating single life.

The oldest digital pic I could find...There are many "prints"
in boxes that I really need to scan...some priceless ones!

Between us, we’ve weathered 3 marriages, several wounds, loss, disappointments, and lots of “life stuff” – the good and the bad. D is a friend that I can talk about absolutely ANYTHING with …and believe me, we do cover it all. Having experienced several unique parallel struggles, we are clothed in similar scars – both emotional and physical. (We are quite literally “titanium friends” …having matching scars on our right arms!)

We can and do - debate any topic. There is agreement on most big issues, but not on all. He does challenge my thinking at times... which is a good thing. A friendship of this caliber allows freedom to be transparent without judgment.

Nowadays, a huge plus is his ability to speak openly as I navigate single life… and ugh – slightly dip the proverbial toe in to the “dating world” (the very thing I said I’d never do again...and I’m not completely convinced it’s for me.) D’s insights into the complex male psyche are priceless and he seems to know a bit about the female psyche as well… it’s scary, at times.

Because of our history – up until now, he has known – (or in one case, he met) every guy I’ve ever dated. I can honestly not say that of any other friend or family member. Years ago, we lived in the same apartment complex and ran in the same circles. Those were fun times... and it probably never dawned on me that this guy would still be in my life 25 years later. Thankfully, he is. (funny side note: the first time I met my ex was actually because of D.... I've jokingly given him a hard time about it… all in fun, of course. It’s really just another thread woven in the tapestry of a long friendship.)

Lunches and dinner "updates" are usually full of laughter, and on occasion, tears. (Often, my tears end and laughter ensues because he has the ability to lighten the mood.) Regardless of the conversation, I always leave with a smile on my face, a giant bear hug, and increasing gratitude for this guy. He tells it like it is… without being offensive or condemning. I need that in my life. We all do!

So, for today’s entry in the Gratitude Journal:

I’m beyond grateful for this enduring friendship, and for the fact that he texted to see if I was available for lunch. Lunch turned in to a movie and of course, throughout the few hours we hung out, there was much meaningful dialogue with my forever friend. What a gift he is to me.

Yes, guys and girls can be friends…and treasured friends at that.

PS – “D” doesn’t like having anyone make a big deal about him, so if you happen to read this …and you actually know him, then “shhhhhh” don’t say a word!

Simple Pleasures: Plain & Simple (in black & white, & imperfect flesh tones) 11 of 29

2016-02-11T22:09:00.001-05:00

John Mayer sings “Your body is a Wonderland.” It’s a great song…but if I knew nothing more than the title and catchy chorus…I could say it applies to my body.” (Bummer, clearly not the case!)

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

The reality is, my body could cause an onlooker to “wonder.” I’m a 5’9, 140 lb living, and breathing bulletin board covered in “mementos" from the journey I've been traveling since birth..”

From the very top of my head, to the very tip of my right toe, assorted scars illustrate various chapters of my ongoing biography. A near fatal accident, 4 early stage cancers, blatant stupidity, and other life experiences have resulted in quite a collection of imperfections on an already imperfect body. Yep, it's a wonder...

There was a time when I did everything possible to cover visible scars… especially, the more pronounced ones. There were summers that sleeveless tops were not an option because I didn’t want anyone to see the horrific scarring on my upper right arm. When I had thyroid surgery a few years ago, I bought several scarves and turtlenecks in anticipation of the “mutilation” I’d have to conceal. Perhaps that was a season of vanity…. (Just think, TP… you didn’t even know me then!) Now I proudly wear sleeveless tops and love that I have a dear friend with an identical scar in the precise same location. (We're titanium friends... literally!)

(note the corresponding description/link to each # below)

Probably more significant than some of my physical scars are the ones that no one sees. There are a multitude of emotional scars below the surface. In earlier adult years I saw myself as strong, independent and yes – as a survivor. Somewhere later though, “I” got lost and those positive self-assessments were replaced with self-deprecating thoughts and doubts. Thankfully, with time and proper guidance – we grow into a better version of our younger selves. (I think I’m grasping the familiar quote “youth is wasted on the young.”) Priorities change, perspectives mature and we become more comfortable in our own flawed skin and aging bodies. This is not a stretch at all – the scars on my body and below my skin, are souvenirs from challenges and injuries overcome… and I’m profoundly grateful for what each represents.

3 years ago, in tears…I said to my therapist, “I’m an enabler… I’ve enabled too many people in my life...and they’ve all hurt me in some way.” His attitude changed, and his voice got more stern than “comforting.” Looking directly at me, he said… “STOP! YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! I know what you’ve been through. You’ve always done what was necessary for survival. You’re still here….yes, you need to recover, yes - you need time to heal, but YOU ARE STILL HERE.”

Those words were not a healing salve; they were electrifying shocks from an AED that revived a dying heart and crushed spirit. Dr. P’s words, and many sessions of working through a bunch of CRAP were all crucial to moving forward, and healing.

I’ve survived a lot. (Seriously, my life has a strange “Lifetime Movie” vibe.) Scars are another example of redemption. Nothing that we journey through – regardless of how, or why… is wasted, unless we waste it. I’m thankful for every blemish. Each prompts recollection of an unrequested, painful, yet ultimately, cherished experience. Each tells a bit of the story of how “I” became the “Me” that exists today.

Lastly, each imperfection serves as a reminder of a responsibility to others - drawn from the well of experience that has been only mine to partake. Lessons learned - must be shared. Encouragement received – must be passed on to others. (Encouragement coming from someone who has navigated similar trials is a great comfort to a suffering friend…I’ve been on both ends of the equation.)

Don’t waste scars...redeem them.

Here's an overview of my "Wonderland Memo Board."

Physical Souvenir	Origin	Read more of the story here:
1. Boomerang shaped Scar on top of head. Barely visible nowadays.	Hit by a car at the age of 15 – the giant gash on my head was from a road sign that my head clipped as I was catapulted through the air…	http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2010/06/broken-bones-scars-and-ugly-blue-pintos.html more on the accident that almost ended my life…but ultimately brought many physical changes
2. On my neck – barely visible	Total Thyroidectomy (pre-cancerous tumor)	http://tawnda.blogspot.com/search?q=ode+to+thyroidina (wow – I forgot how corny that was… must’ve been the Percocet.)
3. Right Humerus – Metal Plate	Same pedestrian accident as #1	http://tawnda.blogspot.com/search?q=blood Another perspective on the same accident…years later
4. Early detected breast cancer	3 different occurrences over 5 years	------------
5. Early detected breast cancer	No chemo/radiation necessary	------------
6. Early detected breast cancer	3 lumpectomies w/extensive margins removed due to atypical hyperplasia	------------
7. Emergency C-Section	My favorite scar of all… -> -> -> -> ->	http://tawnda.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-difference-nineteen-years-make.html
8. Left Wrist – Quarter size/shaped	Also from the pedestrian accident	This scar used to be far more evident and I literally wore a watch for the sole purpose of covering it… now it only shows up vividly if I’m in the sun…
9. Right pelvic bone///bone graft	Same pedestrian accident as #1	------------
10. Right Big Toe/Pins (bunion!)	Delayed injury from years of ballet	Metal parts in right arm & right foot/Bionic Woman!
11. Left arch – (this is the souvenir of youth & stupidity)	Stepped on broken glass on dance floor	Too much liquid courage as a barely 18 year old college student at O’Malley’s in Athens with friends… (It was bleeding so much I thought someone spilled a red slushy on my sandals… not fun.)

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in grey... & Red, White & Blue (9 of 29)

2016-02-11T17:57:00.003-05:00

It's one of those funny Georgia weather days again. Knowing how to dress the months of November through March each year is a little like Roulette. Granted, I reach for the shorts and flipflops any time it even looks remotely warm and sunny BUT...

TODAY is most definitely a thick sweater and rain boots kind of day... it's SNOWING!

The little girl awakens within me and excitedly watches for the magical white powder as it drifts from grey skies.

The view from my dining room... one of my
favorite places to observe the outdoors - year round.

Seeing Old Glory waving in the wind, little girl in me quickly transitions back to the patriotic grown woman - proud to be an American and very proud to be the Mom of a United States Marine.

My thoughts instantly go to a much snowier place, to Washington DC

where my baby boy currently lives and serves this great country.

Funny how some rabbit trails are reminders of a multitude of blessings...

Grateful smiles abound on this beautifully grey-skied February day...

This is one of my favorite pictures from Tyler's time at 8th & I in Washington, DC.
He is in the very front , with the blood stripe on his pants and carrying a sword. That's my baby boy.
The absolute best son anyone could ask for....

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White (8 of 29)

2016-02-11T17:02:00.004-05:00

I gave myself a pass of sorts...

Down with a cold, and an overly medicated brain....and no one to answer to but myself.

Today's simple pleasure for which I'm grateful is...

Just being me.... and being free to be me, warm pjs, a fire, 2 kitties, and lots of sleep...

Life with a cold.... well, it's still a good day! (and quite restful)

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White...& calico (7 of 29)

2016-02-09T15:31:00.000-05:00

My atypical Super Bowl setup/& weekend infirmary
(my 4 legged nurse in napping on the job)

Super Bowl Sunday… being the avid football fan (not), Super Bowl has always meant a cornucopia of delectable gastronomic delights, festive beverages, and fun with friends. Granted, I’m typically the one in front of the tv for the commercials… and definitely for the halftime show. (You can find me refilling my beverage during game time.)

Still, the weekend cold that knocked me “out of the game” so to speak caused me to cancel Super Bowl plans with friends and stay home to further recuperate. It was the right play to make… No need in exacerbating my cold or risking the health of good friends. It was a necessary "time out."

Lying here watching the game (commercials)… it’s as if my 2 four-legged "housemates" know I’m not feeling great. They are both extra cuddly today. Bella is even laying her head on my foot as I'm writing these thoughts.

They make being alone…far less lonely, especially on days like today. They are slightly spoiled…but “why not?” Having doted on my 3 human children all their lives, I needed another place to invest my maternal energies. Granted, many if not most of my friends are “dog people.” Whenever they come around, they typically agree that in many ways my 2 beautiful calicos are more like their canine counterparts than expected. Unlike many cats, they are both very social…very playful and they are both extremely cuddly...and oftentimes HILARIOUS!

Lily at 6 weeks... in Kimmie's lap
(she's always had beautiful eyes - although they turned green
and are incredibly intense)

Living alone for the first time in my life, it’s comforting to have Lily & Bella around. When I get home, they meet me at the top of the stairs. (They've learned to identify the sound of the garage door opening as a signal of my arrival.) When I leave, they often jump up on the window sill to watch me back out of the driveway. If I'm in the bath tub, Bella is sitting on the side of the tub. If I'm getting ready for bed, they both jump to the foot of the bed and take their places. They are great roommates, make little mess, and are fairly low maintenance.

Miss Lily these days...with those gorgeous eyes!

There have probably never been two more cherished pets to walk the earth. (God forbid the thought - they’ve never actually “walked the Earth”.) The only times they’ve breathed outside air is while in a carrier in route to and from the vet. They are almost 5 years old…and I am hopeful they will be with me for at least another 15 or more years.

Tiny Bella at 6 weeks - of course by the food bowl
(she now weighs in at 15 lbs.)

Today’s treasure for which I’m most grateful? Lily and Bella. Sisters since birth…and much loved by me, their adoptive mom since they were 6 weeks old. (Incidentally, loving them as I do - has actually helped me to be an animal lover of all kinds... yes, I even have friends with dogs that are quite enjoyable to be around!)

Bella sleeps more easily on her back than I do...
(ALL THE TIME!)

Lily sleeps with her eyes covered...often

My calico girls at 6 weeks - TINY ... and I had no idea how much I'd come to love them!

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White...and in bright blue (6 of 29)

2016-02-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Saturdays are typically packed with fun social activities…but given this nasty cold, not this one. This has been a day spent in intermittent slumber, watching countless movies, lots of meds, vitamins, and with a steady aroma of eucalyptus, rosemary and peppermint in the air. (The good news? I was often able to actually smell those wonderful scents!)

At some point during the day, I wrapped up in a warm blanket and sat on my deck for a bit to breathe some fresh air. My deck is one of the features that drew me to this house. The deck makes me forget that I live in the busy city of Roswell with my neighborhood entrance on an 8 lane road. Sitting here it feels as though I’m living in a remote area of Georgia.

Fortunately, for me (and my neighbors), the deck is very private with a row of evergreens separating me from the row of houses behind. With my deck flanked by these beautiful trees, lying in the sun is not so intimidating… and sitting outside in my robe with a cup of coffee or tea is quite comfortable, even in the Georgia winter.

Not only do the trees create a visual barrier, but a noise buffer as well. Because of where my house is positioned in the neighborhood and the benefits from the Evergreens, I can sit quietly – often enjoying nature’s choreography. (Countless birds sing and dance all around.) This private little respite facilitates some serious thinking, sketching, reading, and writing all the while causing me to forget that I live in the burbs. It’s a tranquil setting – and in the (almost) year I’ve lived here, I don’t know that there has been a single day when I’ve not sat outside for a bit. Nature speaks to me in ways it didn’t before…it’s calming yet simultaneously, nature also refreshes my soul and ignites my mind.

No filter - a breathtaking, untouched sky

On this particular February day, while getting fresh air, I was struck by the vibrant blue sky. It was gorgeous. The “blue” reminded me of September 11^th. The recollection of the crystal clear, blue sky that morning before all Hell literally broke loose - has never left me. In the strangest of ways, I’m glad. Too easily we forget the watershed moments in our life’s story…. 9/11 was significant to every American. (This could be another entire post on a different day.)

For now, in this moment - I’m grateful for the reminder of that fateful day… for the lives lost in the attacks were not lost in vain. Countless first responders sacrificed their lives for the benefit of others… and those men and women shall not be forgotten. My own children were profoundly impacted by the events of that day – with one direct result being my son’s current career in the USMC.

Why would we want to forget the way our country came together in the days that followed that historic Tuesday morning? With all the mudslinging currently taking place leading up to the election, it’s good to remember that Democrats and Republicans united for a greater good. We were literally "United States". I pray it won’t take another 9/11 to get everyone united once again.

No filter - just a bright blue, untouched sky....and the
trees that gracefully provide a visual barrier between
me and neighbors on the street behind my house....

Back to the here and now after my mind wandered a bit - the clear blue, beautiful skies are a reminder to never take a moment for granted…as in the case of September 11th, we never know what the next breath holds. We don’t know who will be next to us, sharing life with us, making us laugh or making us cry. Embrace the journey, moment by moment, whatever comes.

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White (5 of 29)

2016-02-08T12:40:00.000-05:00

A bad cold has kept me down since Friday night (maybe why I failed to post gratitude for a "simple pleasure" Friday prior to bed!) Before succumbing completely to this cough, it was an evening out with a few fabulously fun girls…enjoying interesting conversation, laughs and one of my all-time favorite things - moving my body to the sounds of great music …out on the dance floor. (That may have pushed me over the edge, but it was fun at the time!)

My heart is grateful for these girls and a local place to go and be comfortable, "known" and among friends. There aren’t many places nearby where dancing is an option. So… for the 5^th of February, I’m simply beyond thankful for my local “Cheers” (aka, Guston’s), and beyond warmed by the resulting significant relationships, countless meaningful conversations, copious amounts of laughter, and calories deliciously consumed. With a lifelong passion for dance, rooted in a youth filled ballet and jazz - the calories enjoyably burned, and endorphins elevated on the dance floor are a huge bonus! (Much more fun than the gym!)

Life is good. Every day is truly a gift ... to be enjoyed fully. Carpe Diem!

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White...and today, in color (4 of 29)

2016-02-04T17:30:00.000-05:00

Make a free slideshow design

After an in depth conversation with Colleen last night, I was inspired to write about a completely different topic. However, thanks to FaceBook, I now know today is "Friends Day." Therefore, an audible was called and a montage beautiful, smiling faces has been created to show profound gratitude for the incredible friends in my life. This last year has been a roller coaster ride, but because of the faces displayed (and a few I don't have photos of)... this year has been filled with an abundance of friendship, love, and laughter.

There is much I could say about each cherished person, but for now... the smiles shall speak for themselves. Assuredly, whether known since grammar school - or only since this past year...in some way - they/you have made my life better. (I'm guessing a few may not realize their significance... but I'll work on that!)

My heart has been warmed simply by sifting through pictures from this last year... So undeserving am I to hold dearly so many incredible FRIENDS.

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

Helen Keller

(NOTE: there are 3 songs that play in the background... the FB auto-generated "Friends video" for me came nowhere close to measuring the wide range of people who have touched me in some way... this montage will require a glass of wine (or a cup of hot tea)... If you're my friend - know how deeply grateful I am to have you on this crazy life journey.

Simple Pleasures... Plain & Simple, in Black & White (3 of 29)

2016-02-03T17:29:00.003-05:00

So, “This guy”….

(So much for my vanity...)

· * Has the dubious honor of covering all my grey roots monthly… (aiding me with my “vanity”)

· Has personally journeyed through amazing adversity, making me respect him greatly...

.
· Can make me laugh hysterically…and on occasion, tear up…

· Looks eerily similar to George Michael in the 80s …(especially in person)

· Recommends the best TV shows, movies, etc. (An excellent entertainment reference!)

· Has great taste in music – something we both enjoy

· Recently taught me the little that I know about Star Wars (along with a little help from Monte)

· Can carry on meaningful dialogue about ANY (and I mean ANY) topic one could think of!

· Allows for difference of opinions and hears what others have to say without “pre-judging”

· Is incredibly bright - and acutely up to speed on legislative matters (inspiring me as well!)

· Is extremely hospitable – you can’t help but feel at ease when you walk in to his home

· Is remarkably comfortable in his own skin, living out his convictions without apology (authenticity is a value I hold dear and look for in others – Peter is one of the most real people I know!)

· Encouraging… he’s known much of the drama I’ve endured in recent years, and was a consistent safe, non-judgmental source of encouragement

· A lover of animals… feline and canine alike

· Is one of the most charitable, sacrificial people I’ve ever met – giving of his resources (especially his time) whether benefiting children, adults, the disenfranchised, the LGBT community, Civil Rights, the Homeless, Animals, etc. He stands up against sex trafficking, racism, animal abuse, and prejudice. If more people gave of themselves in the way he does – this world could only be a better place.

· Is the only person (and I mean ONLY) that I fully trust to take care of my hair!

·Gives great hugs every time I see him!

It took no time at all for me to come up with these descriptions… if I were to sit and really think for an extended time, this list would easily double. But you get the idea.

For years, I looked at hair appointments as an opportunity to sit quietly, and just relax. It wasn’t a time I wanted to engage in meaningless surface chat with the attending stylist. However, the first time I met Peter at the salon near my “then office”, we hit it off. I’m pretty sure the catalyst for our friendship was a Katy Perry discussion. Go figure. Since then, every time I have the good fortune of visiting him at work, I know greys will be successfully covered and that meaningful conversation will transpire. Typically, I walk away having learned something - or at a minimum, will have something to add to my "watch list."

One last example of the kind of guy he is: In late November, I had told him I was “fighting” sadness and wanted to skip over my favorite holiday of the year. It was the first Christmas being officially divorced, first in my new house, first ever living alone and the first in 24 years without my baby girl with me that morning. (She’s a grown woman – working as a nurse, so it’s understandable…but still hard.)

Knowing that Christmas was going to be “unusual and potentially lonely", he invited me to join he and Monte in their home - along with extended family and friends to celebrate Christmas. It was unlike any Christmas in my past, but that was expected. What I didn't anticipate was how special it would be to celebrate that morning with their family, and how Christmas of 2015 will forever be fondly recalled.

Earlier today, as I sat in his chair with my oh-so-stylish black cape, no make-up, and fashion-forward foils – it was clear to me, that the silver lining of the day is Peter. What an unforeseen gift this friendship is. He’ll forever be treasured – and loved much like a brother.

Simple Pleasures… Plain & Simple, in Black & White (2 of 29 ...it's a leap year)

2016-02-02T23:15:00.002-05:00

This will be brief… I can hardly keep my eyes open long enough to string together a coherent thought. Ironically, though… it’s fitting that my eyes are heavy. As I changed the linens on my bed this morning, I thought about how wonderful it is to crawl between the cool crisp sheets at night… especially when freshly laundered. The scent of the fabric softener is evident as I lie here. This precise spot is one of my absolute favorite places in the entire universe. Never has a bed been more comfortable, peaceful, relaxing… and sleep inducing – than the one I’m lying in at this very moment.

My bed: just one of MANY catalysts for gratitude and smiles today… but given my imminent need for sleep – it’s the perfect one to highlight.

Goodnight… don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Notice the movement at the bottom left corner...

Okay... Bella is in position now. She is as big a fan of my comfy bed
as me. Not to mention, where I go, she goes...my bed is her bed.
I suppose her name should've been "Ruth."

(Lily has now joined us.)

lights out. goodnight.

February's Simple Pleasures... in Black & White, Plain & Simple (2.1.16)

2016-02-02T00:40:00.004-05:00

Often, anticipation of significant life events, major milestones and accompanying celebrations get in the way of seeing the little gifts that come our way. Several years ago I studied “gratitude and contentment” in depth and my eyes were opened! It’s easy to become lackadaisical with time. Better outlooks and healthy routines have a way of subtly disappearing if not for intention and accountability. (Which is why the gym crowds from January are mostly gone now!)

Having kept a number of “gratitude journals” over recent years, I've known the personal benefit firsthand. A handful of friends also caught on and implemented this same practice. Ironically, here I sit, on the first of February 2016 – out of practice.

“February” is derived from the Latin “Februarius”- which was a festival for Roman citizens. It was essentially a month of ritualistic purification baths. (I had no idea until today, but find this an interesting piece of trivia!) In a sense, I'm going to celebrate "Februarius" - choosing to once again take a whole month to focus on life’s simple pleasures, the little gifts that abound daily – the silver linings often overlooked in the pursuit of something grander. As with the Roman festival for which this month is named, I'll view this as a mental/attitude preparation for the coming months. Having gone through many changes last year, and while “wondering rather than worrying”… I’ve neglected at times to live in the moment.

From past “gratitude-centric” seasons, I know that overall – life felt better in spite of challenges. My outlook seemed more positive and there was an increased awareness of the hidden blessings in the sometimes mundane. This month my objective will be capturing one small, non-grandiose cause for thanks per day. (No matter what is going on in your own life, there are momentary gifts…I encourage my friends to do the same. In fact, the more challenging your season of life, the more beneficial this exercise will be.)

So… the next 27 days may only have a black & white photo and a caption – but I’ll have at a minimum, captured something that makes me smile. It may be foolish to some - but significant in my mind.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You gotta love Georgia weather. On Christmas night, I was wearing shorts and a tank top. Last week we had snow on the ground (briefly.) Friends and family across the country get a kick out of Atlanta’s Snow days – but for this Georgia girl, snow days are a novelty! The days of powdery white accumulation are few and far between. Who wouldn’t mind being snowed in a few days next week! It's fabulous - especially, if you've got the right people around you! (Although, I've yet to determine what my GA counterparts do with all the bread and milk ... bigger priorities should be wine and cheese - it's Biblical. Jesus's first miracle on Earth was turning water in to wine, not milking a cow.)

I enjoy those rare snow days... however this week we have temperatures in the high 60s. So, back to the here and now...

For today, February 1^st, my favorite simple pleasure was walking out of my house in my years-long favorite, comfy outfit: shorts, a sweatshirt and flip flops.

It felt great to run errands in my khaki shorts, Harvard sweatshirt and flip flops!
To me, this wardrobe combination has always implied "simple, comfortable, care-free and low maintenance!(I took the low maintenance thing to new levels with no make-up and a wet head...a hint of summer!)

Being (a) Wonder Woman

2016-01-27T04:19:00.000-05:00

The fine line between worry and WONDER makes all the difference in how we approach life's unknowns. Identical stressful situations, difficult or hopeless relationships and blatant disappointments will impact us differently depending on the grid through which they’re viewed. We can choose to “worry” – making ourselves and those around us crazy. A posture of “worry” benefits no one. The unnecessary angst contributes to otherwise avoidable psychosomatic physical ailments, sleepless nights, and alienation - worsening outlook and making dark times further bleak. (Having been a professional worrier for many years, this is firsthand knowledge.)

Conversely, “wonder” is looking at the same seemingly impossible situations through a lens of faith, and anticipation coupled with gratitude. This is the grid I choose to see challenges through these days… and it took me a ridiculous long time, and many “impossible situations” and correlating sleepless nights to get here. Somehow, things have a way of working out.

The last few years, and especially throughout the roller coaster ride that was 2015 – I became a “wonder woman” and I refuse to become a prolific worry wart again. Refuting the whole “Polly Anna” thing – we can’t just sit idly with a moronic smile, waiting for someone to resolve the issues before us, but if there are actions within our power that we can take, then by all means, we have the responsibility to own and follow through. (The entitlement mindset is pervasive in our culture – and it’s not just prolific among millennials. Sadly, too many adults prior to and after my generation still rely on and expect others to “solve their problems, and fill whatever voids exist.” Get over it!)

Disclaimer: I can slide into a mode of “worry and angst” if I don’t guard my heart and mind, making a conscience choice to the contrary. This choice is something that comes easier than before, but is definitely not something I’ve perfected – nor will I ever. If I (or anyone) proclaim to have mastered this eternally optimistic mindset, it would only indicate denial… IMHO.

So, how did 2015 further catapult me in to being a "wonder woman"?

Embracing "wonder" in 2015, meant it was
finally time to get the official costume
of my lifelong favorite super hero.
I wore it October 31st...
and had the best Halloween ever!!!

In January, I wondered the following:

“How long is this perpetual separation and ultimate divorce going to drag out?” It had already been far too long. Living alone in a house far too big for one person and full of painful memories was somewhat a relief, but not complete freedom from a season that should’ve concluded years ago. (Worrying wouldn’t have changed the timing. Ultimately, everything was finalized and a long and painful chapter, finally closed for good.)

The evening my house was finally listed in January, I wondered: “How many weeks or months will this be my reality?” (having the house in constant “show condition” and being concerned someone would let my 2 feline babies out accidentally… okay, that may have bordered on “worry”!) The house was shown 10 times in 1 day – and that’s all it took. Buyers wanted to take occupancy 3 weeks later…. Which led to the next opportunity to wonder rather than worry.

“Would I actually be able to find a suitable home, available for me in 3 weeks, and beyond that… would I be able to qualify for a mortgage on my own, with my meager church salary?” This was a monumental test. The mortgage process – and expedient turnaround, honestly moved me to tears more than once. Yet, I would eventually get back to “trusting” in something greater than myself. There were frequent obstacles, but each was overcome. The house for me became obvious quickly, and while I was concerned about the many requests from the mortgage company – all conditions were met and 3 weeks later, I had the keys to my very own house. For the first time in my life, I was living alone – in a home no other family member had occupied, and the first that was solely in my name. Worry didn’t/wouldn’t have changed anything. In fact, sitting at closing – the attorney said to me, “Wow – start to finish, we got this loan approved and funded in 3 weeks… this never happens!” (That made me feel pretty good – and was such a huge relief , marking a new beginning.... OF EVERYTHING!)

February 17^th was the closing date, and due to a snow storm in the Carolinas – my move in date was pushed to the next day. That night I cried again – some happy tears, some not - I was exhausted from the process and everything I owned was unexpectedly sitting on a moving truck for an extra night. So, I did the only logical thing to do. I went to dinner at Outback and enjoyed a Ribeye with all the sides, and a Cabernet. Rather than staying in a hotel room, I went back to the old house and slept in a sleeping bag on the floor in a newly empty room. That was just under a year ago, but I recall the details and flurried emotions so vividly. Worrying did not change a thing.... wondering just opened me up to receive and best appreciate and enjoy the gifts before me.

On the morning of the 18^th, close friends were standing with me in the driveway as the moving truck pulled in and the unloading process commenced. Home. I was home.It felt amazing (and still does!) My home has become more of a respite and place of peace than I imagined.

March-July, I came to terms with the fact that I was no longer called to serve full time in ministry. Having been on staff at my home church for 18 years, that seemed like another big loss, but it was undeniably time to go. Wrestling with the decision, and having obtained wise counsel on the matter, I submitted my resignation and then was told my last day would be August 31^st. I began to again “wonder”: “what would life be like not seeing some of my favorite people daily as I had long been accustomed to?” “Where would I go after that? What would I do next? (I knew another ministry position was not in my immediate future…but I wasn’t sure where I’d go.)

August 31^st came…and I cried that entire day as I said goodbye to many I long regarded as “adopted family.” Still not knowing what direction my career would take, I cashed in a portion of my retirement and have been living on that since. My financial advisor suggested that I go back to work immediately and strive to pay off the mortgage as quickly as possible. Theoretically, that’s only logical. However, events of the last few years wore me out physically and emotionally. Having been a mom most of my adult life, and employed in some capacity since the age of 15 - for the first time I’ve enjoyed a self-imposed sabbatical. This is a decision that I’ll not regret. The time off has afforded the bandwidth to reconnect with old friends, deepen existing relationships, and foster new ones. Above all, and while it sounds selfish it’s been necessary for me to get off the “crazy hamster wheel” and take care of “me” for a change … This is preparation for the next season. I have slept like a college kid – and I’ve gotten in touch with “me” again without the distractions of a job, and divorce drama, and hardest for me to accept – without being a hands on mom to my babies. (That’s another post for another day!)

September: The “wonder” opportunities were most abundant with regard to organized religion. I saw too much, knew too much firsthand of matters I wish remained in the dark. It became harder for me to be in church on Sundays, especially, when some took it up on themselves to judge me for having initiated divorce. Because I kept particulars private for so long – conclusions were quickly made, and hurtful words were said far too often. This was not the norm, because those who actually knew limited details were overwhelmingly supportive. The behavior of a select few brought back to mind all the hypocrisy I associated with the church as a teenager. I also realized that it was hard for me to worship, and to hear a message from the pulpit under these circumstances. The sad reality that only I can own is that the motivation for continuing to show up each week was my own pride. (Not wanting anyone to perceive my leaving staff as anyone’s choice but my own.) A good friend and former pastor, counseled me through this season of “wondering” and we both agreed that it would be good for me to take a step back and get to a more neutral place. Attending on Sundays was not helping my “righteous standing” in the eyes of God or of hypocrites…but it was damaging to my personal journey of faith. Having been “a church lady” for so long, I wondered what life would look like, but I’ve been reminded that my faith is my own – and no one else’s to critique or manage. Some of the most intimate encounters I’ve had with the Creator of the Universe have taken place on my deck, or on long walks, or while driving through the mountains. I’ll not have “man” tell me how to live my life, what I can and can’t say, and above all – I’ll not be told who I should or shouldn’t be friends with. (This is far from Biblical!)

Experts often say that the most growth occurs in the first 3 years of life. For me, a close second has to be 2015, a year in which the only 2 constants were my bra size and my shoe size! (ahem… clearing up any other rumors!)

There is so much I’ve learned about:

· …life alone (it’s been a vacation of sorts, challenging and revealing at times, fun, mostly relaxing and far less lonely than being one of two in an unhealthy relationship)

· … implementing a moratorium on men (dumb idea…kinda)

.. ... friendships, organic - some last a lifetime, and some for a season... but all are tremendous gifts. (Thankfully, many well-grounded friends have helped me to wonder rather than worry over these past few years.)

· … being an empty nester (that’s been quite the adjustment… and the one I’m having the most difficulty with.)

Looks like a topic or 2 for a future download. For now, this champion sleeper is going to bed! (I won’t worry about how long it will take for slumber to fall upon me; in fact, I won’t even have time to “wonder”!)

Another Bonus to being a "Wonder Woman"?

(The coolest ever - red, platform boots!)

Guess who's coming to dinner???

2015-11-17T18:41:00.001-05:00

Before hitting “publish” I’ve decided to add this “preliminary note”: To those friends with imperfect criminal background checks - you are in no way being condemned in the “dinner scenario” below…to be completely forthcoming, none of my "ex-con friends" are guilty of the crimes referenced. If you know me well at all – you know I’m pretty real, sometimes perceived as too honest, sometimes a bit controversial (I no longer care), and you know that if we are friends – I’ve got your back. I’m compassionate, feel deeply, cry easily, and am a loving loyal friend. You also know that if you turn on me, hurting me or anyone else I love – I can and will forgive you, but there’s not much room these days for toxic or hurtful relationships… life is too short and I've spent far too much of it enmeshed in unhealthy relationships of all kinds.)

We can break bread, share a bottle of wine, and enjoy healthy debate, appreciating each other’s perspectives and finding laughter and optimally, increased compassion in the process. Mindsets on “hot topics” may change after appropriate, friendly discourse. Then again, mindsets may remain unaltered. Differing positions shouldn't automatically lead to loss of respect and affinity. How boring life would be if we were all clones. (Yet another blogpost for another day.) _____________________________________________________________________

2015 has been a year full of controversial headlines, and I’ve gotten caught in the crossfire expressing and defending personal convictions and sometimes taking a stand for friends on highly debated matters like the Confederate Flag, Same Sex Marriage, gun rights, and yes - my recent up close adventure with matters surrounding divorce. Why stop now? Some of my favorite people on Earth are speaking loudly - from both sides of the fence. Truthfully, I'm surprised by some - but wonder if the situation is looked at through a more personal grid, would there still be such an argument?

Following are a few background points that largely shape my thinking… on these and most matters:

I am:

...first and foremost - an imperfect human. I don't "like" being wrong - but admittedly, it happens. (There - I said it, my children SHOULD be thrilled!)

… a Christian, a mother of three adult children that I had the immeasurable privilege and responsibility of raising; one of my three is a United States Marine – twice deployed, and currently serving in DC.

….a patriot – I love this country and count it a great blessing that of all the places I could’ve been born – I was born here. My life has not been an easy one, but some of my worst days pale in comparison to the best days seen by people in other regions of the world.

I am:

...fortunate to personally have known a few Muslims as “friends.” Two summers ago I met a dear young lady in Germany, who is by far the kindest soul I met in Europe – she happened to be a Muslim. That didn’t stop us from enjoying meals, Turkish tea, laughs, and great meaningful conversation. We’ve stayed in touch – and she would be a welcome guest in my home today. Before her, a gentleman working on a construction project at my house just happened to also be Muslim. He moved from contractor to friend when he and his wife accepted my invitation to attend church and we got to know each other personally. He was a gentle giant, and over time, opened his heart to the teachings of the Bible. Finally, one of the most significant people in my life as a teenager was Dr. Hasan – a surgeon key to my still amazingly miraculous recovery from a horrific accident. He was definitely one of the most compassionate, likable, humorous - and of course, competent doctors I've been cared for. After a many years-long doctor/patient relationship, I have nothing but respect and gratitude for this man. My life is absolutely better today because he was a crucial co-leader of my medical team – and a great encourager throughout the long road to recovery. (He also let me pick the radio station in the operating room on days I was having outpatient procedures….BONUS!) So, yes – a couple of Muslim friends have intersected and impacted this crazy life journey for the better. This is my firsthand experience.

…of the belief that all Muslims are definitely NOT evil, and the few I’ve known personally are completely the opposite. However, we are waking up daily to the sad reality that horrific, malevolent extremists, often broadly and misleadingly identified as “Muslims” - are actively targeting and terrorizing people around the globe . (“Muslim” does not equal terrorist/Muslims belonging to ISIS? indeed a threat.)

…NOT of the belief that all Christians are generally good, I’ll go ahead and throw that out there. My perspective is balanced - and it's been weathered by many trials, and years in full time ministry. There are some Christians i know that would NOT be welcome in my home. It’s also a fact that we were all born with a sinful nature, and that the very reason we need a redeemer is that not one of us is capable of living out a perfect life… Some would like you to believe otherwise. So, I don’t blindly ascribe loyalty or trust to those who profess my same faith, and in the same manner, I will not assign blame to an entire religion. (Another blog post for another day – maybe a month’s worth.)

So, who might be invited to dinner? Muslim friends are welcome in my home. My Christian, Jewish, Hindu and Atheist friends are welcome... as are my straight, gay, bisexual, rich, poor, military, civilian, law enforcement, firefighter, ex-cons, pastors, tattoo artists, bartenders, bikers, Northern, Southern, 3 piece suit or camo wearing, drinking, and non-drinking, black, white, Indian, FRIENDS. If I call you friend, it means I know you - AND you are trusted in my home...in spite of cultural or religious "differences of opinion." Not only would it be comfortable, it would be enjoyable to have you gathered around my table for a meal and conversation. If you’re at my table, you’re not a perceived threat to my children, pets, home – or me. As a protective mom of three kids, and to the best of my ability, I worked hard to maintain a home environment that was a place of peace, and stability for my children. For you to be at the dining room table, you would have essentially been "vetted" over time. What kind of mom would I be if I invited a group over with heavily rumored ties to violent gangs? (Could be true/Could not be true?) Do I flippantly dismiss those statements not doing any research of my own? Do I extend invitations knowing that there was no way for me to properly ascertain the character of the person i'm considering? Do I disregard common sense measures because of a short window of time between the invitation and actual dinner party?

What if I invited a group of recently released pedophiles to dinner and game night "in the spirit of Christian hospitality" - having total access to my kids, my home and me - being foolishly vulnerable and without possessing real knowledge of them or their individual circumstances, heart change, or history of “incident free living”? What if I welcomed them in to my house as an act of hospitable good will, made them comfortable, fed them, clothed them and gave them the keys to my house? What if I then smiled and waved to my barely known house guests as I kissed my kids goodbye and walked out the front door for a weekend trip? The house guests may be sincerely grateful for an easy “second chance” – thankful that I blindly trusted them with those I love most, the innocent children that God entrusted to my care. Conversely, I could walk out my door after welcoming this group “in God’s name” – and one or more may turn on me and my family bringing unspeakable harm. That blame would lie largely on me for not being my kids' protector. As a parent, my loyalty is first to my own family. I’m all about humanitarian effort, but not at a risk of harm or loss to those in my loving charge.

My question is this: “How can we blindly let refugees infiltrate our borders – NOT KNOWING if they are a threat? Clearly, not all refugees are evil – and I hate that there are innocent people being negatively profiled by the reputation and published planned attacks of some of their not-so-innocent family members, and social connections.

As a Christian/American/Mom, I firmly believe “family” is our first priority and our most significant mission field… Many are speaking of our country’s Christian foundation as justification for irresponsibly ushering potential danger into our borders. The funny thing is, I can’t think of anyone I actually know – that would willingly put the family they love and are responsible for at potential great risk. We ought to be providing security for our own families first and foremost. To infiltrate our homes with unnecessary, potentially great threat does not seem prudent…. Would our president blindly welcome a group of refugees into the White House to hang out at dinner and spend time alone with his girls as he retreats to another wing? OF COURSE NOT! Would you invite a group of 10-20 strangers in to your home, to basically share life with you and your family with no limitations, and full access to all that is yours? Probably not. What if you had heard repeatedly of threats against your family by this same group of people? Would you give them a wal-mart gift card, feed them, strengthen and equip them to carry out their evil mission?

At the risk of sounding harsh and uncaring, I've always been a very protective "mama bear" - and would not let anyone come into MY HOME, giving them keys, security codes, and all access to my house and family, without first knowing who they truly are and what motivates them to be here. This seems all too simple. (But as I indicated, I'm capable of being wrong and therefore welcome healthy dialogue.)

In my humble opinion, our government seems like an irresponsible parent - more concerned with winning a popularity contest with people "outside of the family," than stepping up to the role of leader and protector of our great nation.

I'm really perplexed. Am I missing something? Why are we still having this conversation?

If you’ve not read what Ben Carson had to say on the matter, check this out:

http://time.com/4116014/paris-attacks-ben-carson/?xid=time_socialflow_facebook

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Tim 5:8 ESV)

"O'Christmas Tree, O'Christmas Tree - a strange and beautiful reminder art Thee!"

2014-12-02T08:16:00.002-05:00

A Reminder of Christmas in DC last year
with my 6'3' "baby boy"

I cry easily – as I told a friend last week, “it’s a curse.” Full of grace, she insisted that I’ve been blessed with “rich emotions.” Unpacking Christmas decorations last week brought on waterworks aka “rich emotions” in a tremendous way. On more than one occasion, it was audible, ugly sobbing. Memories of Christmases past (good and bad) flooded my mind. Recollections of family members long gone, and the knowledge that this Christmas is going to be very different than any other, sunk in deeply. Furthermore, with my baby girl getting married next fall, there is yet another layer of sentimentality surrounding this Christmas.

I decorate multiple trees – a different theme on each. The tree in the sunroom is the least appealing aesthetically, with its eclectic array of mismatched ornaments. However, in ways that truly matter, its beauty far exceeds the others and reaches down into my “rich emotions” in ways that surprise even me.

Following are a few observations about this particular Christmas tree (and correlating reminders to this crazy thing called “life.”)

San Fran - 2009 -
Thanksgiving with the Zs!

I’m sitting in the sunroom, feet propped on a wicker table, laptop and iced tea in reach. As I study the subject of this post – I notice several “souvenirs.” From here I can easily see a Hawaiian Santa from Maui, a Golden Gate Bridge medallion from Thanksgiving in San Fran a few years ago, a lobster ornament from Boston, a handmade bauble from Germany, a number of White House ornaments from Christmas in DC, one from Israel and I know there’s an Eiffel Tower from Paris barely out of view, maybe next to the “Blue Suede Shoes” from Nashville. These and others are sweet reminders of moments and places I’ve enjoyed – blessings in the midst of the greater drama-filled adventure. For too long, I used to feel strangely guilty if I enjoyed something. That’s clearly distorted thinking and thankfully, I’m over it. Life is fleeting – so no matter what troubles abound, I try to maintain an attitude of contentment, gratitude and enjoyment. Visible reminders help.

Handmade with a special message
from a longtime cherished friend, Kathryn.

A gift from Rach's small group leader -
a sweetheart & servant spirit!

There are items from
friends who accompanied me along the journey for a season – some longer than others. What a gift it is to think back to people I’ve known over the years. So many of them invested in me – and in my family. Some made the journey more enjoyable, more colorful, more interesting and rich.

The ornaments coming to mind now, are reminders of treasured friends. I’ve such an appreciation for “real people” (not the pretentious ones who appear perfect on Facebook; nor those who adopt a victim mentality laced with an attitude of entitlement; and especially not those given to lofty, self-righteousness, acting as judge and jury.) We are all messed-up … I have a special fondness for the ones who aren't compelled to pretend otherwise.

a gift from Karen L.

LOVE THIS: Britt's popsicle cross with
"JESOS" loves me... so precious a reality,
and so precious a misspelled word.

Speaking of imperfections: Upon close examination of a few trinkets hanging on the tree, fractures and flaws would be visible. Over the years, several have fallen, or dropped. In some cases, they were pieced back together with glue. Others are carefully propped between neighboring branches or ornaments. They are flawed, but as much a part of the tree as the ornaments without defects. Like the imperfect people we all are, they’re still of value – in fact, they have an interesting history and even add a bit of character and interest to the outcome. I love that as flawed people, God still adores us…He uses us, and He accomplishes great things in and through our lives – in spite of “us.”

another sweet reminder of
Rachael's youth...

A handful of ornaments adorn the boughs of this 12’ tree – that I wouldn’t necessarily “choose”, but they are mine to keep. Some were given to me, though for various reasons, I’d never select them. There are also ornaments tucked inconspicuously throughout – that are “mine” but wouldn’t be had I exercised better discernment. They are a consequence to a momentary lapse of judgment. (An ebay purchase of “vintage ornaments” gone wrong.) Similarly, in life, we are dealt challenges we’d never choose to navigate. Often, unexpected beauty results from those. Also, as with a foolish ebay purchase, when we act without discernment – the consequences are ours to bear… but they are with us. Sometimes, in retrospect, you realize the consequences were a gift – not an easy gift to unwrap, but valuable in the long run.

Love this Hallmark ornament
from the year Britt was born.
(the chain is broken - so it's
propped and not discarded!).

Amid the hodgepodge, are several of my favorite, very cherished ornaments, “First Christmas Together”, “Baby’s First Christmas”, “First Year in our New Home”, etc. These ornaments celebrated and marked new beginnings over the last two decades. New beginnings, in most cases, are exciting and full of hope and promise – even if the “unknown” appears overwhelming. Sometimes, a necessary course correction takes you on a completely different and unexpected route where the questions and uncertainties far surpass the numbing comfort of the mundane. Historically, after traversing a new path, seldom would I have turned back if the option were even available. Every new beginning is an end to something else. Scary. Exciting. Unknown. Life is truly an adventure of epic proportion.

A cornucopia of sports themed ornaments hangs from the branches. Several baseball ornaments remind me of the years of sitting on bleachers, perpetual “team mom” duties, and the very best friends! (Friendships that would far outlast Tyler’s baseball career.) We have soccer and tennis ornaments – bringing to mind lots of time in the car together as we’d drive from one part of metro Atlanta to the next, carefully navigating game and practice schedules much like an air traffic controller (me with absolutely no sense of direction, but always singing at the top of my lungs – with great little backup singers.)

Add caption

Without question, my very favorite ornaments are the ones made by the tiny hands of Rachael, Tyler and Britt. The assorted snowmen, angels, crosses, reindeer, etc. remind me of a season of life I enjoyed immensely. It was several years of sweet innocence, slurred “Rs”, hugs and homework, one on one time with each, bedtime stories, words like “mazageen” and the phrase “I lushz you mommy.” It was a season of first day of school cupcakes, baking cookies, trips to the park, to the pool, to the pediatrician’s office. It was a season of chore lists, beanie babies, swimming lessons, tamagotchis, ballet, target classes, Anastasia, Gertrude, sports, coloring, nightmares, losing teeth, firsts of all kinds - x3. It was the only time of life I could get by with buying matching outfits for my babies at Easter and Christmas. It was a time in which so many prayers were answered. I loved being a mom to little ones. It was my favorite role – ever! I’m forever grateful for those memories…

There are other ornaments not represented in this post, but the gist is this. It takes many decorations to complete the sunroom tree. In this case: broken, beautiful, ugly, fun, sentimental, undesirable, and some reminiscent of great blessings. There are bittersweet reminders of friends and family no longer around. Many are fragile; some are falling apart after many years of wear and tear (where DOES the gold macaroni go in the off season?) Some ornaments are quirky, others are classic and will never go out of style. Several are as unique and wonderfully rare as the many beautiful and broken friends that gave them to me over the years.

Look closely, between Priscilla the Pig & Snoopy the
Red Baron, you'll see Bella the Calico (always near.)

The sunroom ornaments individually wouldn’t be spectacular to most. However, when they are all hanging on their respective branches from mid-November until December 26^th, together they make a beautiful visual. Even more spectacular is at the end of the day, when night comes and darkness is all around, at the appointed time – the lights come on. Fractured, propped, unattractive ornaments are still there, but they are eclipsed by the light that illuminates the tree from floor to ceiling.

Similarly, the light of Christ shines, washing out flaws and inadequacies. The “mess” is still there, but the Light of Christ shines so much greater, diminishing our flaws and making us more beautiful to a watching world. The Light of Christ brings order to chaos, beauty from ashes, hope to the hopeless, and makes a mess into a masterpiece at the appointed time.

I heard a line in sermon a few months ago that has stayed with me: "our lives are a record of God’s repeated provision." As I wrap this post up, I can tell you that as silly as it may seem, the tree 4 feet away is much the same to me right now.

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light

(1 Peter 2:9)

Taking Hope to all the Dry & Weary Souls...

2014-05-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Family and Friends,

Today marks the 6^th day of my “processing” a Pilgrimage through the Holy Land. While moving past jet lag, I’ve spent considerable time reflecting on what it meant to walk in the same places that Jesus once walked, and to lay eyes on the very places He once looked upon during his 33 years of life on Earth. To say the journey was profoundly impactful is a gross understatement.

Repeatedly, I heard from others who had visited the Holy Land, that after returning to the states, scripture would come alive like never before. Those sojourners were so right. The experience has added another dimension to my study of God’s Word – one of literal sight, with colors, sounds and sensations punctuating each passage in my mind. What didn’t occur to me until yesterday’s 11 o’clock service is that praise and worship songs are even more meaningful than before. As we sang the familiar song, “Alive” – I couldn’t get through the chorus without getting choked up, tears of praise flowing down my cheeks.

Marge and me - standing in front of the Garden Tomb
(Completely unlike the depictions in art galleries)

"It may get loud - The grave is empty now - It may get wild - His love is like no other!

I saw it with my own 2 eyes. I walked inside the actual tomb! The grave IS empty! I knew it before, but I now know it differently.

Speaking of “getting wild” - in recent months, God has left me with no doubt that I’m to go and make Him known in Germany and in Trinidad – both are return visits. I went to Trinidad the summer of 2012 – the first of many “way out of my comfort zone” experiences He called me to in the last 24 months. My second international mission trip was last July – street evangelism in Cologne, Germany.

While not overseas, since initiation last spring into Prison ministry, I’ve served in 8 different correctional facilities. The Lord has opened my eyes through the men and women I’ve encountered behind bars, and in foreign lands. We aren’t that different –somehow this came as a shock. We all have seasons in the desert… we are all fallen people with assorted flesh-driven desires… we all need hope and healing from something…We all need a Savior.

In the fall, I had the privilege of joining several other ladies who authored “Standing Up in a Fallen World” – a study on the lives of Elijah and Elisha. Contributing written material for the study was easy to say “yes” to, but I also accepted the opportunity to teach one of the 12 weeks. Much of this study seemed to center on Spiritual Warfare – not an accident, but something I’ve become intimately familiar with.

There was a moment while on the tour bus last week, entering the area of the Dead Sea, when our Guide said “You are in the desert.” The seemingly innocuous statement pierced my heart and as often happens, tears filled the corners of my eyes as I tried to “keep it together.” I said to God in the quiet of my heart, “these people around me have no idea…I’ve been in the desert far too long. I'm ready to be OUT of the desert!”

The 7 Staff Members on Last Week's Pilgrimage
(incidentally, 6 of the people I most treasure on Earth!)

Fast forward a few days later – back in Atlanta, a new and dear friend said something to me about the way God has been keeping my mind on Holy things … and with 2 imminent mission trips, He’s going to keep my focus on Him and His healing power as I prepare to share with others. Another friend the same day (unaware of my "stuff") spoke words of unknowing encouragement when she pointed out that God sometimes brings us to the desert to get us alone, to show us things we need to know, alert us to great things He has for us and to simply draw us nearer to Him…she pointed out that the desert is actually a great place to be.
Ultimately, last week’s journey through the Holy Land was supernatural refreshment, giving me an increased passion for Christ and for those in need of Him. There were moments I was reminded of my own human frailty and seriously flawed way of thinking. I was humbled that a wretch like me could trace the historical steps of our savior in person. Oh, how critical it is to continually press in to the Lord! My prayer for personal revival and for healing was answered. Now it’s time for me to take joy, take heart and take hope to other dry and weary souls.

On June 11, I’ll board a flight for Germany along with 6 other FBCers for the purpose of bringing the gospel to the people of Cologne. Last year, we encountered “difficult soil” but seeds were sown. In some circumstances, hearts were pricked and lives forever changed…but there is so much still to be done in a city with a population of over 1 million and less than 1% professing Christians.

3 weeks after returning from Cologne, I’ll board a flight for Trinidad along with 5 other ladies from FBC. We will minister to local women through a weekend conference. Our team will be responsible for every aspect of the event. Personally, I’ve been asked to teach one of the sessions centered on “Hope in Trying Times.” When the conference theme fell on my ears, I knew again that this is no accident. “Hope in Trying Times” is a prominent, recurring theme of this Pilgrim's journey.

With 2 fast approaching mission trips, I am trusting God to provide through friends and family the necessary financial and prayer support. Both trips amount to $4K (air fare, lodging, and ministry supplies) and I have a goal of raising all funds prior to June 7^th. Any financial contributions will be a blessing and are tax deductible. If you feel led to contribute, you may give online through Fellowship’s Paypal account now, indicating "Holley/Missions" as the donation purpose.

The Paypal "button" is about mid-page at the following link: http://fellowshiproswell.org/about/generosity/online-giving/

If you prefer to mail a check, make it payable to FBC and attach a note indicating: “Missions-Holley”

Fellowship Bible Church/Tawnda Holley

480 W. Crossville Road

Roswell, GA 30075

Robin, Kathy and Me... 3 of the 7 Tuesday Night Saints
(by the Sea of Galilee)

Please indicate in a comment or via email to t@fellowshiproswell.org your interest in joining my prayer support team. You’ll receive team updates leading up to departure as well as any updates possible while “on the ground.” The enemy is never happy when the hope of Christ is shared with others… opposition is expected, but our God is greater and He hears the prayers of our intercessors!

Thank you so much for your consideration and your prayers as I, along with my teammates prepare for these God-sized adventures. Upon returning, I look forward to sharing all that our
great God does in and through our teams in Cologne and Trinidad.

Many Blessings,
Tawnda
Psalm 84:5-6

The Butterfly Effect

2014-03-18T01:54:00.000-04:00

The Caterpillar: The single focus of the caterpillar is simply eating. As this tiny creature consumes available nutrition, it grows like crazy - simultaneously storing valuable nourishment for later use. After the exponential growth of the caterpillar is complete, it becomes a Chrysalis (lesser appealing is the alternate label: “pupa”.) This stage of development varies with species and can last a few weeks to a few years. Onlookers may think nothing extraordinary is taking place within the silk wrapped cocoon – yet on the inside there is an amazing transformation underway. The Chrysalis is becoming a beautiful masterpiece – a butterfly….

2013 was hard. It was unexpectedly, one of the most difficult of my years thus far; not because of a single catastrophic event, but a myriad of hardships. If given the “fantasy” opportunity of skipping an entire year, my initial inclination would be to move straight from 2012 to 2014.

Health concerns came and went. The threat of corporate layoffs loomed like unrelenting fog right outside the window – almost touchable. The most difficult shockwaves involved relationships – and not just one or two. Friends held dear became judge and jury. It was a year of betrayals, deceit, and pervasive manipulation. Adult children continued to keep me on the brink of obsessive worry. New emotional wounds were inflicted and former ones ripped open like flesh torn violently in battle. 2013 was plagued with a whole host of personal trials too private and too painful to spell out on a blog. If the year were personified, she’d be called nothing less than a ruthless Bitch.

Akin to the Chrysalis, most had no idea of what was taking place in my “cocoon.” Sure, a handful of trusted confidantes knew the difficulties faced. Fewer still were aware of the gory details. Tremendous emotional and spiritual wrestling were underway. In the midst of it all, one can easily lose sight of the end goal...and in the process miss the blessings in the pain.

2013 brought abundant cause for thanksgiving.

highlights:

My son’s continued success and recognition for his leadership and achievement in the USMC.

My baby girl’s baptism…and her longtime goal of becoming a nurse much closer to reality.

Unexpected encounters with God over 4 different days of sharing the gospel with women and men in prison. (These days were life changing on many levels and involve too many stories for one post, but I’ll never forget the faces, the stories, and the undeniable God moments)
The opportunity to contribute written material to a women’s Bible Study (fittingly, much about spiritual warfare)
Obedience: after running from God for too long. With an unnatural fear of public speaking, I found myself onstage, twice in one day – teaching. No longer will fear cripple me. That was liberating (and yes, still frightening, just not paralyzing!)
At the end of 2013, I was able to hold Camden, the newest addition to our family… what an amazing gift to cradle a new life in one’s arms.
A “chance” encounter in a park in Cologne, Germany with “Michael” – a heroin addict covered in bloody lesions…. And like “the year 2013” – at first glance, I wanted to turn away and run. However, with a second look through refocused eyes – my heart softened. His was another precious life that intersected mine for a divine purpose. (Praying I’ll see him again when I return in June.)
While a few friendships dimmed, several rose to the top and now shine more brightly than before… I am truly blessed: to be part of a staff family that I love greatly; to be the junior member of the “Tuesday night Saints” – a group of Godly, wise and hilarious women whom I trust implicitly; to have longtime friendships tested and strengthened through the stuff of life, through prison ministry, and through overseas mission trips.
Counting the blessings, I cannot overlook a newly heightened appreciation of laughter and fun. In spite of last year being tough at times, I honestly believe I laughed more than in any other year.

Being a total movie buff, I'm especially drawn to films that evoke a wide range of emotion within two short hours. 2013, evoked every emotion easily imagined – varying from the lowest, lingering, exhaustive lows – to the most incredible, mountaintop highs. God showed off in a big way… He carried me through. His presence was more apparent and more of a comfort and source of otherwise unexplainable peace than ever before.
He continues to author this journey and I’ve got the best seat in the House. 2014 is already looking like a great sequel…full of love and heartbreak, delight and sadness, excitement and dread, laughter and tears, confusion and clarity, battle of the will, battle of the flesh, comedy and drama. It's action packed!

Looking back at 2013 with renewed perspective, the gifts far eclipsed the losses. For now, I’m content where I am – dancing through the storms of life and wrestling my way out of the cocoon.

t.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. ~Author Unknown

One Life at a Time: Koln - in pictures

2013-08-13T05:21:00.000-04:00

"One Life at a Time" - set to music chosen for specific reasons I'll elaborate on later.
For now, here's a hint of the "fragrance" of Cologne.
God Stories and Insights to come...

"Blood"

2013-06-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

Tragedy marked the beginning of the summer I turned 15. I was walking along the road, following all Pedestrian laws. Out of nowhere – a car struck me from behind and catapulted me 150 feet. My body landed against a tree, dangerously near death. Injuries occurred literally from head to toe. The worst wounds involved my head, right arm and back. Traumatic blood loss led to shock and the expectation that this would be my last day on earth. At the hospital, my family said their goodbyes. Obviously, that didn’t turn out to be my last day on Earth – but it came close and serves as an ever present reminder that we don’t know when our last day will come.

After surviving those first critical hours, attention was directed to the mangled mess that was my body. My head was sliced wide open necessitating a partial crew-cut. My right eye was bloody and swollen. Horrid lacerations and significant bruising existed all over. X-rays revealed a broken back, and my parents were told I’d never walk again. My knees and ankles were injured – in fact there was no area of my body that completely escaped harm. The most grotesque disfigurement of all was to my right arm.

The collision between the car and my body commenced an airborne thrashing compounded by a street sign, a giant wooden cable spool and finally, a tree. My arm was twisted and crushed in unimaginable ways. The bone between the shoulder and elbow was shattered. Jagged pieces penetrated the skin in a zigzagged pattern, practically amputating just above the elbow. My arm was a bloody mess – and the initial plan was simply to complete the process of amputation. Gratefully, another doctor was called in and he began a process that took years, multiple casts, hours of surgery and an incredible amount of physical therapy. (Gratefully, I say – because I still have a right arm and 95% + range of motion.)

Surgery lasted over 5 hours. Since damage was extensive and much of the original humerus remained at the accident scene, bone from my right hip was grafted into the arm and encased by 4” of titanium. The recovery was long – but the doctor assured me that it was IMPOSSIBLE for the right humerus to be broken again – IMPOSSIBLE. The ultimate and irreversible healing of my ugly, mangled arm amazingly parallels another irreversible healing in me.

Like my arm, I was once a huge mess - mangled, and badly wounded through years of abuse and rejection. That time in life was further complicated by consequences to my poor choices. There was a hole in my heart that I tried to fill with the things of this world, but nothing ever satisfied – and those failed attempts left me increasingly despondent. There were times that I simply wanted to die – to leave this world. That embarrasses me now, because I am so grateful for each day….even the difficult ones.

Not growing up in the church, I was exposed to Jesus through various friends and extended family. The summer I turned 12, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. Like my right arm would later serve to illustrate – the promise of an eternity in Heaven could not be broken. My salvation was sealed at the moment of that decision. However, it wasn’t until years later that I was able to know the joy and peace that comes from fully surrendering one’s life to Jesus Christ. While I knew beyond any doubt that I was a Christian, the concept of daily dying to self and living for Him remained foreign. Unfortunately too, the ways of the world still proved enticing.

My walk with Jesus had been on my terms – when convenient. In my early 20s and pregnant with a daughter – I came face to face with my need for His guidance and protection more than ever. Being fearful of repeating destructive patterns, and having no idea what a Godly mother looked like – I pressed into Him like never before. Jesus heard my heartfelt, though not eloquent prayers. Those prayers were and continue to be answered in ways bigger and better than I could have imagined. Finally, I “got it” – my relationship with Jesus Christ wasn’t ONLY about a future in Heaven. My relationship with my Lord and Savior is a daily surrender.

Years after the accident, I discovered a medical arm band from the hospital – with my name, dates, etc. – and the words: Blood Recipient. Somehow, I’d missed the fact that a random person’s blood donation had spared my life. Because of that selfless gift, I was given additional time on Earth, more opportunity to “get things right” and further occasion to share the love of Jesus with others. This serves as another AMAZING illustration: As the life-giving liquid that courses through our veins, blood symbolizes life. In the Bible, the blood of Jesus serves as a symbol not of His death, but of His life poured out for us.

Consider this: I’ll never know the identity of the person whose blood donation saved my life. However, I know the name of the One whose blood has reconciled me to God and has sealed my future in Heaven forever. His name is Jesus. He walks with me. He comforts and protects me. He hears and answers my prayers. He leads me and is the model for how I am to love others. He knows me intimately and He wants me to know Him the same way.

It’s humbling that a total stranger gave me the gift of his/her blood. However, it is AMAZING and awe-inspiring that Jesus, son of God shed His blood for me. He knows EVERYTHING about me – and it’s not all pretty, yet He loves me. There is power in His blood. In His blood I found healing; eradication of my sin; forgiveness and hope for all eternity. The blood of Jesus has the power to change the inner man… I am living proof.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

~ ~ ~

It’s not by chance that you are learning my story. There is no such thing as coincidence or luck. Have you received a divine blood transfusion? Are YOU ready?

“Morality may keep you out of jail, but it takes the blood of Jesus Christ to keep you out of Hell.” (Charles Spurgeon)

The Fragrance of Cologne

2013-06-03T17:04:00.000-04:00

It’s a well-known fact that sensory responses trigger recall. The most prevalent catalysts for me are smells. There are a few random, yet distinct scents that remind me of childhood. In the most peculiar way, the faint hint of cigarette or pipe smoke; or the aroma of fresh baked cookies takes me back to my favorite place as a child - my grandparents’ home in Ohio. In contrast, my Grandparents’ home in North Carolina had an aroma comparable to The Cracker Barrel. The wood stove in the family room marked the air distinctly year-round. Of course, any time I stayed at their house, the smell of coffee, bacon & made-from-scratch biscuits met me at (early) morning. These are all great memories!

There are also odors that bring to mind less-than-favorable recollections. For reasons I’ll not elaborate, I simply detest cinnamon. (How ironic since it’s one of the more popular candle/air freshening scents year-round, but especially at Christmas!) Our noses get little credit, yet they have the amazing capacity to bring to mind people, places and events from our emotional and experiential archives.

As a teenager - I was an ardent fan of Giorgio. Nowadays - I'm strictly a Vera Wang girl. Hopefully, if anyone has come to associate "Vera" with my physical presence, it will be a positive connection - if at all reminiscent of me in the future. While commercial fragrances may seem trivial - as Christians, we don the eternally life changing, sweet aroma of Christ. I hope and pray that those who encounter and subsequently remember me - will associate the memory with that of a follower of Jesus: A memory marked by supernatural peace on display - especially in the midst of storms; of unconditional love - for all people; of unusual generosity; transparent authenticity, and beauty beyond what human eyes can behold. I pray it will never be recollections of hypocrisy, hatred or haughtiness - what an unimaginable disgrace to the name of Jesus!

This summer, I have been given the opportunity to act as a "Perfumer" – dispensing the "sweet aroma of Christ" in Cologne, Germany. How fitting the name of this city! Our team is one of six, called to influence the "fragrance" of this city through street evangelism, discipleship, church planting and by supporting the ministry efforts of missionary families already on the ground.

Cologne, not unlike the US, has been marred by the stench of greed, lust and hatred. Vastly different though - Cologne has a Christian population of less than 1%, with a growing Islamic population. The people of Cologne are in dire need of a new fragrance....one that will linger pleasantly, drawing others toward truth, freedom and eternal salvation.

This will be my second mission trip overseas and I could not be more excited! Often, I hear from family and friends that they don't "get" the need for overseas travel when there are so many physical, financial and spiritual needs right here at home. If you are of like mind - I can see how you might think similarly, especially, if unfamiliar with the implications of Acts 1:8:

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

Fellowship takes Biblical mandates very seriously. We are a church extensively involved in our local community and with our church family (our Jerusalem). We are actively engaged in ministering to the Metro and Downtown areas of Atlanta (our Judea) – and throughout the USA (our Samaria.) In recent weeks alone - I've been personally involved in serving over 1100 of the under-resourced in our local community through "Roswell Day of Hope.” The joyful privilege of ministering to local widows on multiple occasions has been one I’ve come to embrace. Lastly, on Mother’s Day weekend, for the first time I went behind prison walls to share the hope of Christ with incarcerated women in Georgia’s largest all-female correctional facility.

Acts 1:8 does not stipulate that each person must travel “to the ends of the earth”. However, as members of the Body of Christ, we are called to participate in sharing the gospel with the entire world in some way. You have an opportunity to do so through financial support and most importantly through your prayer coverage. Please join us in taking the transforming hope of Jesus Christ abroad! Our team of 6 must quickly raise approximately $18,000 to cover the costs of flights, lodging, food and supplies. Would you please consider supporting us with a one-time financial gift? You may contribute financially as the Lord enables you, in one of two ways:

1. Via paypal: http://fellowshiproswell.org/about/generosity/online-giving/ (designate Cologne 6/Tawnda)

2. Send a check, payable to Fellowship Bible Church, to:

Fellowship Bible Church

ATTN: Cologne 6/Tawnda

480 West Crossville Road

Roswell GA 30075

(Fellowship will send an end of year statement for tax purposes)

If you would like to receive team updates leading up to our July 19^th departure, as well as daily updates during our time in Cologne, please indicate so in the comment section. (You can submit your email address for team updates to: t@fellowshiproswell.org)

Thank you for prayerfully considering coming alongside of Team 6 as we embark on this God-Sized adventure! Your support through prayer, finances or both – is a tremendous blessing and an encouragement!

Grace and Peace,

Tawnda

^“For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing” (2 Corinthians 2:15)

“And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 5:2)

Behind the Walls: My Experience in Prison (names and details of inmates changed)

2013-05-18T17:13:00.000-04:00

One week ago today, I had the experience of going to prison. Prison was never high on my list of “must see places” but in recent years – Sunday morning conversations with a sweet couple at church left me feeling otherwise. For whatever reason, opportunities in the recent past came and went – and I was unavailable. A few months ago, this same dear couple told me about the chance to meet face to face with Georgia inmates in an all-female facility – the weekend of Mother’s Day. Almost in an instant, I knew God was saying, “NOW IS THE TIME.” I completed the necessary paperwork, paid the registration fee and added May 11^th to the calendar.

The first person with whom I shared a truly meaningful encounter was *Jessica. When I asked if she wanted to sit down next to me in the pavilion – she looked cynical, and surprised. I scooted over and patted the bench to my left for her to sit. She quickly said, “Wow – am I allowed to sit next to you?” At first, I was a bit uncomfortable thinking she perceived me as snobby (a frequently misapplied label to those of us who lay low and tend to be reserved.) Everything about this moment was outside of my comfort zone, but we continued to chat. When I asked for her name, she replied with her last name. When pressed again, she said, “you want my first name? no one calls me by my first name – not since I got here in January.” She gave me her name and then followed up with “wow, I’m used to being treated like a sub-human.”

“Jessica” and I continued to chat at length about her family life, about her children, where she grew up, how she feels like a total worthless reject, and how she perceives her future. As she filled in life details – I realized we aren’t so different. We have experienced similar hurts and eerily parallel family struggles, but with far different outcomes. She talked about recently trying to take her life behind bars - that pierced my heart and flooded my eyes with tears for the first of many times. Honestly, I have no idea what she did that led her to prison, but she’s a young mom who is now apart from her children. This sweet, beautiful young woman shared how she is worth nothing now that she is behind bars and she elaborated on how she perceives God views her – suggesting that He has even written her off. She grew up with a performance based faith and didn’t grasp the gift of salvation through Jesus alone. Gratefully, she prayed at the end of our conversation to receive Jesus as her Lord and Savior, and she signed up for a prison based Bible Study/discipleship group. Jessica didn’t tell me about the crime that led to her incarceration and I didn’t ask. I could look up her offense online, but I don’t want to know. The truth of the matter is we are all just one poor decision away from being where “Jessica” is now. Even more significantly, whatever infraction(s) in her past, the slate has now been wiped clean and she will spend eternity in Heaven. For now, I encouraged her to share her new faith with her son when she gets the next phone call….and beyond.

“Amanda” was another young woman with a profoundly moving story. She had grown up in an affluent home – always in church, leading worship, with parents in church leadership, and an adult sibling now serving as a pastor. Scripture isn’t and never was foreign to her. Songs of praise and worship are well emblazoned in her mind. She even told me about her young child singing some of the same songs for her on “video visits”. “Amanda” knew all the right answers from the beginning – but as she told me the course she took, she made it clear that she had deviated from what she knew to be “the way” and through exotic dancing, drugs, and other related crimes, she now finds herself behind bars. She’s another mom separated from her three children who are being raised by other family members.

As our visit continued, she shared painful experiences from her past – and as in the case of “Jessica” – we have wounds in common. Furthermore, in talking we discovered a Christian couple that we both know. This is a couple who, in her words - treated her like a daughter, had been loving and supportive and tried to help her get her act together. What are the chances of such a meeting taking place we both thought? Again, tears streaming….down her cheek and mine. This was most definitely a God-ordained meeting, and far from “chance.” At her request, I shared with our mutual “friends” that through the Celebrate Recovery program in prison – she had gotten over her hurts and addictions. She has given her life to the Lord and is a completely new person…while she had the knowledge necessary to walk in freedom before, she lacked a true relationship with Jesus Christ – the ONLY way we can experience eternity in Heaven.

Ironically, it took “Amanda” being behind bars to experience true and lasting freedom. As we wrapped up, it was clear that her prison time, a consequence to numerous bad choices, was wildly and powerfully redeemed by God. He had used the time behind bars as a way to protect her and even her children from the continued downward spiral into crime and victimization. Through her prison sentence, she is now able to positively impact others behind bars for the Kingdom of God. She is looking forward to being out in a matter of months – back with her children. She has a job lined up and she plans to share her story of redemption with others, giving God the glory. In a strange way, she is grateful for the khaki jumpsuit and constant monitoring….otherwise; her story would have likely ended far more tragically. She has a hope for the future – where hope once was void.

One week after the fact, I’m still in complete awe over the entire prison experience. “Jessica” and “Amanda” are just two of the many women whose lives God allowed to intersect with mine. In talking with all these ladies, I exited the prison gates Saturday evening realizing that those of us on the outside aren’t necessarily so different than those on the inside. As I had shared a few times throughout the day, it’s also apparent that many of us are imprisoned by bars and razor wire that others can’t see, but we know the reality daily. We may not be wearing khaki jumpsuits with names and numbers on the breast pocket – but many of us are in bondage to abusive parents, spouses or extended family. Some of us are imprisoned by bitterness and an unwillingness to forgive. Others of us are enslaved to pornography, drugs, alcohol, the “American dream”, the need for approval, etc. Some of us are held captive by long-held secrets. In short, I got to know several women behind the bars of Georgia’s largest all-women correctional facility that know and experience “true and lasting freedom” while I have friends, neighbors and family members who are in bondage – but freely roaming.

To go a step further, before we give our lives to the Lord, we are all in bondage of another kind: Pride within us – causing us to think we “don’t need a savior”. We are reluctant to surrender control of our lives to the Holy Spirit….what would be the fun of that??? We are so focused on ourselves, our needs, desires, preferences, comfort, and our delight – that we don’t want to relinquish the power to choose and act on “what feels good”. Some of us have salvation, yet don’t experience the freedom that is fully available to us through making Jesus the Lord of our lives: freedom from strongholds, freedom from ourselves….and freedom from eternal Hell are so accessible! (Matthew 1:18-25; Matthew 9-9:13 & 11:28; John 14:5-14 & 16:5-15)

I’ll close with a story about an older inmate seated across the table from me in the common area of her “dorm”. “Estelle” – weathered and worn from years of drug abuse shared much of her story. She started out by telling me that she needed drugs in order to do anything, in fact: “to have sex, to watch a movie, to cook a meal – anything she did started with using her drug of choice.” She went on to tell me about her husband, who is also incarcerated. She told me about her children and grandchildren…and she shared her plans once she is released. Having been in prison for quite some time, she has missed out on many comforts that most of us take for granted. She has missed out on sleeping next to her husband nightly and she has missed the grandchildren’s games, awards ceremonies and birthdays. She says to me, “Honey, God is sooooooo Good!” She continued, “There are days that I wake up here and I DO NOT want to get out of bed and face the day, but I have learned to pray before letting my feet hit the floor. I ask God for guidance and direction …and every day HE guides me and leads me. Jesus walks with me. God is sooooo good! I have HIV and I could be dead – I feel really good. There is an end to this sentence in sight and I will be with my family again. He has given me great friends in here (pointing to the lady to my left) and He is with me. My sentence could have been worse than it was…. And you know what? There isn’t a thing on my rap sheet that I’m not guilty of. I deserve WORSE…. While serving time, I have spent so much time in His word, so much time in prayer. He is with me like never before!”

After hearing “Estelle” go on about the goodness of God, I shook my head in agreement. Now, “Estelle” you know what I heard you say? You said that before you were locked up, you used drugs to start your day, to start every task, even to watch a movie – now I hear you say, that before you get up in the morning, you start it all with Him! She smiled that big smile again and said, “God is sooooo good to me.” I responded by telling her that some people would think it’s quite odd that an elderly woman can sit in prison and praise God for His goodness….but I totally get it. (Side note: This woman, in spite of everything - had the most joyful and magnetic smile - so properly punctuating her praise!)

Last summer I went to Trinidad expecting God to use me to minister to the hearts of ladies there, instead I came back feeling that God had used all of them to touch MY heart and life. Admittedly, prison has been the same way. “God is sooooo good!” The next opportunity to go to prison with Bill Glass Ministries is this fall….Rest assured, I’ll be going back!

To Him be the glory.