MILK AND HONEY

Six Secrets of A Good Christian Husband

2020-12-01T12:02:00.003-08:00

1) Love Your Wife

❤ ❥ The first requirement of the Bible is
that you have to love your wife, Ephesians
5: 25 & 33. And how do you imitate God in
love? This might not come as a surprise to
you - God's love for his people was so
great that He let his own Son die on the
cross of Calvary just so that his people
would have a way to be excused of their
sins.
2) Be Faithful to Your Wife
❤ ❥ Being unfaithful to your wife is not
only against God's will, it is also one of the
most guaranteed ways to break up your
marriage.
3) Submit To Your Wife
❤ ❥ "Wow, that is a new idea," you say.
No, not really. It is found in Ephesians 5:
21, "Submit yourselves to one another out
of reverence for Christ."The key thing here
is to know what the will of God is, and
submit to your wife if she shows you that
you have strayed from the path that is
God's will.
4) Be The Head Of Your Wife
❤ ❥ You should never do anything, or
expect your wife to do anything, that falls
outside the will of God! That is the
meaning of being the head of the
household.
5)Respect Your Wife
❤ ❥ You also have to respect her opinions
and ideas, as well as her ambitions, dreams
and wishes. Never think that yours are the
only important dreams or ambitions, but
realize that your wife has just as much
right to having her own ambitions and
dreams because she is also a child of God,
just like you. When you make love to your
wife you also have to respect her sexual
preferences. Never force her to do
anything that makes her uncomfortable.
6) Give Her Security
❤ ❥ And real security is to provide for her
and the family financially. You have to
provide your wife with security because
that is what God expects you to do. But
you also have to provide her with security
because a lack of security is a big part of
why women would eventually cheat on
their husbands - to try and find someone
who will give her security.

THE PERFECT STORM

2020-11-30T09:35:00.001-08:00

I hate when unhappy married people try making happily married people unhappy by saying it’s not going to last forever.

Thank you so much for your advice but we will appreciate if you can learn to keep your opinion to yourself, especially when they don't align with God's word. If your own blessing comes with short term joy and long term sorrow then congratulations to you, we are happy for the faith you have chosen to hold on to in spite of the countless daily bread that God has promised to release unto you.

I know misery loves company, but be careful when you're going around speaking mess over other people's marriage because you are unhappy in yours.

I have had to delete and block alot of people from my circle because of these lies, so much negativity.

You'll hear negative comments like "enjoy it while it last".

And immediately I tell them to keep themselves and their negativity away from my family.

We become what we attract.

We will never be able to fight off or repel that which we try to tolerate.

Yes marriage is not rosey, we know. Yes, as sure as they'll be sunsine they'll also be rain. But please let us enjoy our happiness, and when the unhappy times come let us still enjoy fighting for it by choosing to love each other daily.

No marriage is the same. Your marriage is not the Bible, therefore it does not speak for every other marriage. Learn to leave new or happily married couples alone. Give your Godly advice and keep your negativity to yourself.

Dear newly weds,

Cc: Happily married couples,

Don't allow anyone speak negative about your marriage, old or new. Stop that enemy immediately and declare that your marriage will always be filled with love and happiness.

Also uderstand that we are not in for the storybook Cinderella all-perfect marriage, every marriage no matter how happy has its own challenges, but let no one tell you that your happiness wont last long. Keep praying for grace to love each other through the storms when they come, some storms are even meant to strengthen our marriage and fireproof our love.

Keep God at the center of your marriage and keep working on each other and you'll be absolutely fine.

As for the Cinthos, we are going great over here, and even when we are not doing great we are greatly working on making our marriage greater than it was yesterday.

Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard : 5 Ways to Express Yourself Differently

2020-10-10T02:37:00.001-07:00

5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you.

I often hear my clients report that their biggest complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t being heard. They feel they communicate effectively and express themselves clearly. So what is the problem?

There is most likely a disconnect because your partner’s perception is totally different or they don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right.

The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded, defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us.

There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you often do?

Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard:

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional intelligence.

It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye?

#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger.

When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and you won’t end up feeling heard anyway.

#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of your accusations.

I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion, because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.”

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility.

Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings.

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their intentions.

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel disconnected from me, she just misses me.”)

In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help!

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or comments below.

How to Switch Off Relationship Autopilot

2020-10-03T03:41:00.000-07:00

It’s 6:30 am and your alarm goes off. Although you’d love to stay wrapped up in the warm coziness of your blankets, everything that you have to do today floods your body, causing you to jump out of bed.

Autopilot has kicked in.

You begin moving through your day like you are speeding down a highway, driving along as if hypnotized, going from one thing to the next. You drop the kids off at school, go to work, attend meetings, navigate conflict with a coworker, pick the kids up from school, run to soccer practice, get home to make dinner, help the kids with homework, feed the dog, clean the kitchen, half-listen to what your spouse is telling you about their day, and put the kids to bed.

You pause for a brief moment and collapse back into your bed, only to start it all over again at 6:30 am the next morning. You can feel anger and resentment bubbling to the surface.

“Is this really my life?”

This is your life on autopilot: half-awake, frustrated, disconnected from yourself and those around you. Of course you need and want to “be there” for your children, your spouse, and your co-workers, but your inner voice can’t help but cry out, “There has to be a better way!”

How do you get yourself off autopilot so you can really live? It all starts by shifting your focus. The key is to become aware of your feelings, habits, patterns, and general “busyness” so that you can learn to mindfully step outside yourself the moment you notice you’re engaging in your usual autopilot behavior.

Below are three strategies to disengage autopilot and live an awakened life:

1. Tune in to your body.

The first step to an awakened life is to tune in to what you are feeling. Take in and become aware of everything your body is sensing. For example, as you take a shower, focus on how the water feels as it runs down your back. As you drink your morning coffee, tea, or juice, take a moment to enjoy each sip instead of gulping it down. Pause throughout your day, really focusing on how you feel as you interact with your friends, coworkers, and those you love. Be aware of bids for emotional connection and turn towards them. The point here is to become mindful of what you feel, hear, see, and smell. Become aware of each and every sensation, paying close attention to any faint whispers from your “gut instinct.”

As you begin to get in tune with your body, you will begin to identify when autopilot is taking over. From this space, you can choose what you want to focus on, for yourself and within your relationships.

2. Identify and set your intention.

Focusing on your relationship with your partner, take a moment to tune in to what you want. What is your intention when you are with them? Your intention might be to listen more deeply, let go of blame and criticism, or simply to be more honest, vulnerable, or present. Whatever your intention, set aside a few minutes at the beginning of each day to reflect on your desired outcome.

With kindness and self-compassion, take responsibility for and release what is preventing you from fully engaging. Without judgment, be mindful of what is happening. For example, if your intention is to deepen your sense of connection with your spouse, start by sensing the situation between the two of you.

3. Have a daily ritual of connection with your partner.

With this newfound focus on your feelings and intentions, identify one daily activity or routine with your partner where you would like to be more awake, mindful, and engaged. For example, have a stress-reducing conversation where you only talk about stress outside of your relationship. Actively listen and pay close attention to what your partner has to say. Whatever your chosen routine or daily activity, commit to giving it your full attention and focus. Ask yourself, “What really matters here?”

Getting stuck on autopilot happens to the fittest of relationships, so be patient and stay focused on your desired outcome. In addition to these these three steps, disengaging from autopilot and leading an awakened life also involves mindfully having compassion for yourself and others, practicing forgiveness, and living with an open heart.

Switching off autopilot allows you to see life from a fresh perspective and frees you to make different and more mindful decisions. As you begin making choices in this awakened state, you’ll notice your actions naturally begin to align and become more consistent with your desired outcomes – in your relationship and in your life. Learning to connect from a place of deep presence will enable you to hear what your heart is saying, ultimately empowering you to respond rather than react.

How to Bring Heartfulness Into Your Marriage

2020-10-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

It’s the small things done often that make the difference.

How to Bring Heartfulness into Your Marriage

We often hear the words “mindfulness” and “compassion” as interchangeable, positive attributes to embody and integrate into our lives. Although complimentary, mindfulness and compassion are not the same.

How to Mindfully Meditate in Marriage discusses that mindfulness is about maintaining a moment-to-moment awareness and acceptance of your thoughts, feelings, physiology, and surrounding environment. When we talk about mindfulness, we also hear the term “loving kindness.”

So, what do these words really mean, how are they interwoven, and why is practicing them within marriage so important?

As Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. explains, “In Asian languages, the word for ‘mind’ and the word for ‘heart’ are the same. So, if you’re not hearing mindfulness in some deep way as heartfulness, you’re not really understanding it. Compassion and kindness towards oneself are intrinsically woven into it. You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.”

Simply put, by practicing mindfulness and compassion, you powerfully bring your heart and mind together as one.

Mindfulness in marriage is about being receptive to your relationship experience and being present without judgment, while loving kindness and compassion are about embracing the fact you want to be free of pain and suffering and that your true wish is to alleviate yourself, as well as others, from this suffering.

Why Do You Need Heartfulness?

So, why do you need heartfulness – that melding of mindfulness and compassion – in your relationship? Because relationships are hard! Applying heartfulness in your marriage can help you, as Dr. John Gottman explains, to soften your startup. You are more able to be present, aware, and attentive of what you communicate and how it impacts your partner when you are talking to them. Practicing this on a daily basis helps you to see things clearer, view interactions through a lens of kindness rather than judgment, and act with calm wisdom instead of reacting. Softening the startup of your communications with your partner in this way will lead to a more stable and happy relationship.

The Benefits of Heartfulness

Approaching your marriage with heartfulness will produce numerous long-term benefits. Here are a few of the positive effects it can have on you and your spouse:

• The ability to handle difficult emotions with greater ease

• New perspectives on stressful situations

• More fluid communications

• Improved emotional well-being

• Transformation of your potentially difficult relationship

Integrating Heartfulness Into Your Marriage

The key to being heartful is to actively listen to your partner with an open heart and without judgment. Instead of thinking of the next thing that you’re going to say, be present and compassionate to what your partner is going through and what they are trying to communicate. The only way to do this is to step out of your own story so that you can fully take in and acknowledge what your partner is experiencing.

Now, I’m not saying that stepping out of your story is easy. By human nature, we’re all susceptible to falling prey to our own self-defeating narratives. Getting unstuck from this place takes yet another level of heartfulness – one that is focused inward.

I’ve certainly experienced the challenge of focusing heartfulness inward. There were times in my marriage where I became frustrated and critical with my late husband, Steve, saying things to him that could have been delivered more mindfully. Luckily, he dabbled in eastern practices and psychology himself, so when he saw I was triggered he had the wisdom to gently guide me towards having more self-compassion. In these instances, Steve would remind me to get in touch with my feelings and say, “Why don’t you take a moment and give yourself some compassion and then we can revisit and talk about what’s bothering you a bit later?”

Stepping back and changing my attitude towards myself first allowed me to calm down. I could then, in turn, be more trusting toward my husband and move forward communicating more openly.

The next time your buttons get pushed, or you start to blame your partner for something, take the opportunity to give yourself some compassion first. Then, after you are calmly refocused, make the space and effort to re-focus some of that compassion and kindness on your partner.

Heartful Affirmations

Practicing heartfulness can be as simple as expressing loving kindness and compassion through short and thoughtful affirmations. The next time you are upset, try saying the following out loud:

To yourself:

• “I am filled with loving kindness.”

• “I am safe and protected.”

• “I will get through this.”

• “I accept myself just the way I am.”

To your partner:

• “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you find peace.”

• “May you accept yourself just as you are.”

• “May you be filled with loving kindness.”

• “May you live with ease and peace.”

The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you. Say these phrases softly, with a spirit of kindness towards yourself and your partner. Adopting a spirit of caring and kindness will make you feel more connected and most likely trigger a significant shift in your relationship. This shift will cause new pathways of understanding to open up, making you feel cared for, connected, safe, and protected.

Whatever your experience, commit to moving forward with mindful acceptance. Practice non-judgment and remember to extend equal amounts of compassion to your partner and yourself. Even though you may not always agree with or even understand what your partner is saying, integrating heartfulness into your marriage will enable you to be compassionate with each other in times of struggle and embrace the imperfections of your relationship with loving-kindness. Collectively, this is a powerful force for overcoming the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

As you can see, injecting your marriage with heartfulness – that powerful blend of mindfulness and compassion, towards your partner and yourself – doesn’t have to be complicated. As Dr. Gottman says, “It’s the small things done often that make the difference!”

6 Steps to Mindfully Deal With Difficult Emotions

2020-09-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

The key to overcoming difficult emotions is mindfulness.

6 Stept to Mindfully Deal with Difficult Emotion

Let’s get real here. For most of us – myself included – life is fast-paced and chock full of family, relationship, and work stressors. This reality, along with the ever-increasing pressures of technology and society at large, can really take a toll on your marriage. As a result, difficult emotions like anger, confusion, fear, loneliness, and sadness, just to name a few, can arise. Emotions like these are often the most present and powerful forces in your life.

The key to overcoming these difficult emotions is mindfulness! Practicing mindfulness enables you to calm down and soothe yourself. In this state, you have space to reflect and thoughtfully respond, rather than react.

Following these six steps will help you to understand and deal with your difficult emotions in a mindful way:

6 Steps to Mindfully Deal with Difficult Emotions

Step One: Turn toward your emotions with acceptance

Once you become aware of the emotion you are feeling, notice where it is in your body. You may feel it as a stomachache, a tightening of your throat, the pounding of your heart, or tension somewhere. Sit with this anger, anxiety, depression, grief, guilt, sadness, shame, or whatever emotion you are experiencing. Become aware of it and don’t ignore it. If this is difficult, get up and walk around or get a cup of tea.

The key here is to not push the emotion away. Bottling it up inside will only cause it to bubble up and explode later, resulting in more difficult emotions or even a complete emotional shutdown. Listen to your difficult emotions. They are trying to help you wake up to what is going on before a major crisis occurs.

Step Two: Identify and label the emotion

Instead of saying, “I am angry”, say, “This is anger” or, “This is anxiety.” In this way, you’re acknowledging its presence, while simultaneously empowering you to remain detached from it.

When my husband was in the hospital before he passed, I felt a deep sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. I needed to acknowledge and identify the emotions and say to myself, “I know that I am experiencing anxiety and fear right now and I don’t know what will happen, but I am going to just ‘be’ with it.” Although it remained an extremely painful experience to the end, identifying and labeling my emotions in this way allowed me to take some of the pain out of what I was feeling. This, in turn, allowed me to stay in the present, versus catapulting me into the future, or trapping me in the past. Being thrust in either direction would have only caused me to blame myself. I can just imagine how that critical voice would have rung out, “If only you would have done something different, maybe there would have been a different outcome.”

Step Three: Accept your emotions

When you are feeling a certain emotion, don’t deny it. Acknowledge and accept that the emotion is present, whether it is anxiety, grief, sadness, or whatever you are experiencing in that moment. Through mindful acceptance you can embrace difficult feelings with compassion, awareness, and understanding towards yourself and your partner.

Think of a friend or a loved one who might be having a hard time. What would you say to them? Bring the scenario of what you would say to them into your mind’s eye. Now, say the same thing to yourself: “I am ok. I am not to blame. I did the best I could.” Hold these images and phrases within yourself with loving kindness and compassion. Extend this act of kindness toward yourself and become aware of what is going on within you. In this way you will gain the power to not only calm and soothe yourself, but also your partner.

You will soon come to realize that you are not your anger, fear, grief, or any other difficult emotion you are feeling. Instead you will begin to experience these emotions in a more fleeting manner, like clouds that pass by in the sky. Opening yourself up to your emotions allows you to create a space of awareness, curiosity, and expansiveness that you can then apply to your relationship, as well as any other aspect of your life.

Step Four: Realize the impermanence of your emotions

Every one of your emotions is impermanent. They arise and reside within you for a time, and then disappear. It’s easy to forget this when you’re in the midst of dealing with difficult emotions.

Allow yourself to witness and observe your emotions with kind attention and patience, giving them the latitude to morph, and in many cases, completely evaporate. To embrace this process, ask yourself:

“What and where is this feeling?”

“What do I need now?”

“How can I nurture it?”

“What can I do for my partner?”

“What can my partner do for me?”

“How can we, as a couple, turn toward one another with acts of loving-kindness?”

Asking these focused questions and responding in turn will go a long way to promote empathy, compassion, and connection within your relationship.

Step Five: Inquire and investigate

After you have calmed and soothed yourself from the impact of your emotions, take a moment to delve deeply and explore what happened. Ask yourself the following questions:

“What triggered me?”

“What is causing me to feel this way?”

“What is the discomfort I’m experiencing and where is it arising?”

“Was it as result of my critical mind, or was it in reaction to something my partner said or did?”

Perhaps you had a hard day at work or difficulty dealing with your family. Maybe you feel unappreciated, lonely, or disconnected as a result of your interactions with someone. Whatever the cause or trigger, look at it closely and ask yourself what is happening here. Consider what was said or done and compare it to your values:

What were your expectations surrounding the situation?

What reactions or judgments caused you to become angry or anxious?

Is this a pattern that keeps arising?

Asking yourself these critical questions and investigating the root of your difficult emotions will help you gain empathy and insight into what you are experiencing.

Taking yourself off autopilot and trusting your deepest, authentic self to answer these questions about your situation will create a space to see things with a different perspective. This will ultimately allow both you and your partner to be more present and connected with each other.

Step Six: Let go of the need to control your emotions

The key to mindfully dealing with your difficult emotions is to let go of your need to control them. Instead, be open to the outcome and what unfolds. Step outside of yourself and really listen to what your partner is feeling and what he or she has to say. Only then will you truly gain an in-depth understanding of your emotions and the interactions surrounding them within your relationship.

Mindfully dealing with emotions is hard and it takes time. Be kind, compassionate, and patient with yourself and your partner. You’re in this together! As Dr. John Gottman has said, “In a good relationship people get angry, but in a very different way. The Marriage Masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our’ problem.”

We are fortunate that we live in a world where you and your partner can take the time to explore, discuss, and learn about mindfulness and your emotions. Take nothing for granted, for life is fragile and fleeting!

There's a difference between Making Love & Having Séx

2020-09-24T00:15:00.001-07:00

Most times a lot of people, regardless of gender cannot distinguish between love making and having s3x.

S3x is an instinctive and bio-mechanical act and everyone can do it.

On the other hand, making love is considered to be a s3nsual, slow, and not goal-oriented, the act gives people the opportunity to experience the metaphysical being of oneness and it is considered to be an art in itself.

Hence, a fulfilling s3x life and a successful romantic relationship should contain little of both.

I know it seems like I'm preaching but oh well...

Although the terms “having s3x” and “making love” are used interchangeably by many and though making love often includes s3xual intercourse, they do not necessarily indicate the same activity.

Remember love making entails a lot of emotional connection.

1. The Motivation Is Different

When you're having s3x, your primary motivation may be to get off and have an orgasm.

2. The Communication Is Different

When you're having s3x, you might choose to engage in some dïrty talk.

Even if you aren't a fan of s3xy lingo, the communication during s3x can pertain to who is about to have an orgásm, when, and how hard.

When you're making love, though, this can change.

3. The Vulnerability Is Different

When having s3x, even if you’re sometimes open to trying new things, you may not normally consider more than finishing and feeling good.

4. The Presence Is Different

Although I may not care to admit it, sometimes when I’m having s3x, my mind wanders.

Whether I’ve fantasized about Ryan Gosling during mediocre s3x or just thought about how to politely get dressed and leave during really bad s3x, there are times when I just haven’t been all in.

Relationship Red Flags : What makes a relationship “toxic?

2020-09-19T11:11:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, relationship red flags may be hard to identify. Because relationships by nature are hard and require a lot of work, you may ask yourself sometimes “is this really healthy?” We have all been there. It can be challenging to know how to identify what’s a “normal” amount of dysfunction and what is down right toxic.

Here are some examples of relationship red flags to watch out for:

#1 Your partner never accepts accountability for their actions. Or if they do, they make sure to say “but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done X.”

#2 You never feel heard/considered in the relationship.

#3 You often question your own sanity or feelings. You may get stuck in self doubt, shame and guilt.

#4 You’re afraid of your partner’s reactions/judgements, so much that you find yourself altering or censoring yourself often.

#5 You struggle with being honest with your family/friends about your relationship. You may even start to isolate from people that were once close to you.

“Is this really healthy?”

#6 You start becoming someone you don’t recognize.

#7 Your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you.

#8 You constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle in everything that you do.

#9 Your partner directly or indirectly demands things from you. There is no compromise in the relationship.

#10 You had high self esteem until this relationship.

#11 You feel controlled.

#12 You cannot see yourself as your own person. Your partner has become a part of your identity and you need their approval and love.

#13 Arguments are volatile or abusive in any way.

#14 You feel intimidated.

#15 Your partner acts completely different around other people than they do when they are with you.

#16 You catch your partner in repeated lies. Even they are small.

#17 Your partner is highly defensive and never shows their vulnerable side to you.

#18 Your partner refuses to see other people’s perspectives in anything they don’t agree with.

#19 You feel coerced in having sex.

#20 Your partner calls/texts you constantly when you are away.

#21 Your partner does not support you doing new things and acts threatened often.

#22 Your partner threatens self harm in an attempt to cause a reaction out of you.

#23 You and/or your partner is unwilling to go to therapy. (If you are too afraid, they are too defensive).

Relationship Red Flags: How to walk away from a toxic relationship

If you find that you are in a toxic relationship, but struggle with feeling confident in getting out, here’s what you can do. First, if you are in an abusive or threatening relationship it is important to have a safety plan in place, (protective factors such as a place to stay, access to authority, etc).

It can also be incredibly helpful to have a safe, unbiased confidant like a relationship therapist. Because they are also educated on understanding human behavior, they will have a better perspective on what’s “healthy” or not. They are there to support you with building the self confidence and awareness you’ll need to leave the relationship. They can help you create and practice necessary boundaries to help you through the transition. Therapy can also help you connect any dots from past/childhood that may be impacting your current situation/feelings, which may help in healing any past traumas that are being impacted with your current situation.

Lastly, educate yourself on unhealthy relationships, personality disorders and/or addiction if applicable. This is something you can do in therapy, or on your own. Education is helpful at de-personalizing the problem and getting you to see the reality of a toxic situation.

Thank you for reading Relationship Red Flags: What makes a relationship “toxic?” Have you gotten out of a toxic relationship? Please share what helped you!

Praying Wife

2018-03-06T01:27:00.001-08:00

There is just something very powerful about wives who pray for their husbands, something very powerful that I cannot eloquently put into words, it is best learnt as a personal experience than when it is taught to you.
But here's a free advice for any uncle out there who has the power of a praying babyboo working in his life;
Buy her loads of books that encourage women to pray. Christian books that will fuel her war room and grow her spiritual life.
Share powerful messages, podcasts, videos and posts from all the spirit led mentors you follow on social media. Tag her name to materials on their page, mention her on the posts, invite her to like and follow the page as well. I do that alot with my bestie, not just because it will be selfish of me to consume and get blessed alone, but because there is something else to it, a stronger reason, just wait, I will share that ultimate reason in a bit.
Most times tagging her to a motivational message is not enough, especially when you have a partner who is always busy with work and other stuff, one who doesn't fancy social media or hardly come online, they might not get to see the notification let alone follow it. So do the copy and paste as well. Copy the message and send it directly to her inbox, email, or WhatsApp etc. Copying and sharing the link to the message with your partner is also a great do. That way they get to see it since it is from you, and it gives you a great chance to refer to it and remind them to check it out. Ait?
Attend seminars and conferences together. Find out where the action is and take your partner there. Learn together, expose her to new teachings, revelations and sound doctrines.
Buy her tapes. Buy her that audio message by Bishop TD Jakes and Pst Joyce. Books are not enough, download , listen and share with her. Messages and materials that will build her prayer life as a woman of God and a wife of a priest.
How about movies? Strong Christian movies with powerful messages about personal growth, relationships and marriage. Find out the movies making the rounds and go see it together. There are alot of them out there, I am not talking about the amazing new movie Black panther, I'm yet to go see that too, got plans already to do Wakanda with bestie. I'm talking about War Room, God Deeds, Alison's Choice, where is Good, Virtuous and many other powerful movies that will send her deeper down the spiritual lane. Wait, I will share the reason why you need to do this.
Introduce her to good Tv shows and godly series with strong messages. Watching telemundo and zeeworld has not pushed anyone I know towards the spiritual walk, those series are for old women and stay at home wives who are not interested in adding anything else to what they already know.
Okay now the reason why doing this is very important to you...
Actually there's just one extra reason I need you to add to the ones you already know...
For a woman who prays for you, doing this is like opening her up to more opportunities to pray for you some more. It is like expanding her prayer scope, adding more prayer points to what she already carries in her heart, loading new explosives in her arsenal. She'll get fresher perspectives, more knowledge about the things she needs to pray over you for, her understanding of her role and duty as your wive will become clearer.
And guess what? It is all for your good. You're the one who will reap the fruits of her spiritual growth. Listening to Pst Joyce Meyer's messages alone will fill her up with prayer meditations for you, as much as it will help her get deeper with God for herself.
Listening to my messages too will enrich your love walk with her towards the blissful marriage God intends for you to enjoy. Right?
That's the free advice guys, I hope that you'll listen to His voice tonight and make efforts to try these tips. It's for your own good.
...and dear aunties, you know this rubs on you too, not just the uncles, also try these tips, build your man up for yourself, you have no idea what the power of a praying bae can do.

One Flesh, One Spirit

2018-02-23T01:29:00.001-08:00

The devil completely lost his grip over my relationship and marriage the day the eyes of my understanding became open to the truth that there is nothing like 'personal salvation' in marriage, no such thing at all.
After marriage your heaven destination no longer becomes yours to decide anymore, the results of your living doesn't affect you alone, but your spouse as well. I'm talking about the fact that you'll be going anywhere your partner is heading, your claim to personal salvation ends at the marriage altar the moment you made the decision to accept completel responsibility for the life and soul of another person. You no longer become the guardian of your soul but that of your spouse as well, you cannot be careful with your own salvation while you let your spouse become careless with theirs, because wherever the product of their life here on earth is leading them that is also where you are also going.
Ephesians 5:27 talks about a presenting.
There will be a presentation of the soul the Master has placed under your care guys, a spotless and blameless presentation, one without commas, spots or wrinkles, I just wish someone can understand this. you have to really think through this marriage thing before making that decision, it's not about the diamond rings and pretty dresses anymore, the priority is never about making love and making babies, marriage is much more deeper than the surface that Hollywood and Zworld is painting for us, much more deeper.
What will you be presenting
Who will you be presenting?
In what condition will you be making your own presentation?
Is it with blisters and swollen eyes? Is it with emotional baggage and pain? Will you be presenting a broken, dejected, confused, regretful wife before God knowing that God doesn't accept garbage and leftovers?
Will you be presenting a worn out, frustrated, pushed into cheating, sex starved, I wish I never married you husband before God knowing the kind of talent multiplication He expects from you?
In What condition will you be making your presentation?
The most amazing part about this truth is that there must be a presentation, one way or another, you will either be making your presentation in the presence of all the host of heaven singing hallelujah with the choirs of angels or you'll be making your presentation in the pits hell with the devil and his colleagues.
This changed my life, this shaped my perspectives, this formed my thought pattern and marriage actions. I just knew I am not that dumb to date just anyone after realizing this, let alone marry out of list, selfish desires or temporary pleasures. I just know that my marriage cannot collapse under my watch, not when I stay ruled by the counsel of the Holy Spirit, I just know it. I just know that I cannot marry wrong, I just know that even the "I love you" that comes out of my mouth has an effect of my salvation, oh leketetetebredosh krrteeetee. Every "YES I DO" promise I exchange with my spouse at the altar will be a determining factor on my journey towards heaven.
It will be very foolish of me to risk my salvation because I am more focused on the size of my wedding cake than the sustainability of the amazing grace I carry. It will be careless of me to spend more time prepararing for a surprise proposal with flowers and music that has no effect on my salvation. Our Dubai honeymoon adds nothing. Changing into 5 different dresses at the wedding reception will not change my eternal destination, catatayema brahamatosh, they play no part.
We have to get this right guys, out life's depends on it, our happiness depends on it, our salvation depends on it, I was not born into the earth to escort anyone to hell in the name of marriage, I cannot be married to anyone who will make it impossible for me to take responsibility for their salvation and mine. I cannot afford to let anyone come into my life and marry me out of God's beautiful fellowship, I know too much to allow that error, I know that when TWO becomes ONE in marriage salvation no longer becomes personal, yours and mine becomes linked, we become dependent on each other's righteousness, we become ONE FLESH, we share ONE SPIRIT, journeying towards ONE DESTINATION.
Can somebody confess this with me in faith;
IT IS TOO LATE FOR MY MARRIAGE TO FAIL!

Dear Booless

2018-02-17T05:45:00.001-08:00

Whoever told you that keeping a relationship is not important told you a lie straight from the pits of hell. A healthy godly relationship is very important, oh yes it is. It is important to be with someone who will grow through life with you. It is important to build with someone who will understand your weaknesses and appreciate your strengths. It is important to love someone who will set goals with you and smash them. It is important to have someone who God can trust with anything that concerns you. But as important as it is to keep a relationship, it is not compulsory. Nope, definitely not.
I am a huge fan of godly relationships and healthy marriages, but if you are still single and reading through this text I want you to know that your values has nothing to do with your relationship status, but everything to do with a God who has made you whole, complete and lacking nothing . . . . . all while you're standing alone, single and proud.
You may see this stage of singleness as a bad thing, like if you’re somewhere around your 20's and you are still single it is thought of as a curse or a setback. As a matter of fact there is probably no other stage of life that is wished away faster than the stage of singleness, you probably cannot wait for this to pass, your heart is probably itching for that perfect relationship of your dreams, you have envisioned your own proposal and even planned your bridal shower in your head. I bet you already have a wedding colour in mind for your bridesmaids. You just can't wait right? Your friends are all happily dating and you are the only one left, the odd one out, Simbi the cursed child. It is tough for you right now I know, especially with those longings, desires, hopes, and foolish fantasies sprinting inside your mind;
“I just want a man, someone that can be there for me, listen to all my worries, buy me nice gifts, take me out, and mushy mushy everywhere together."
"I just want a woman who can come and take care of me like a nanny, beautiful, respectful, submissive, hardworking, and a big buttocks to complement her character."
But there you are, single, and feeling like you are incomplete, like something is missing, like you're not normal, your confidence is low, you drag your esteem when you're around people, because you're not in a relationship, and in your heart you feel happiness is on the other side of dating.
No, happiness is right where you are, the reason why you're not feeling it is because you're not creating it, and the reason why you're not creating happiness is because you're waiting to find it on the other side of dating. You're feeling incomplete because you're waiting for someone to come and complete you. Oh no, finding the missing piece does not imply that there is something missing inside you, it only means that you're looking out for someone who will come and share in your happiness, not creating happiness for you.
I hope you caught this tight?
You are perfect, you are complete in every definition of the word. Love yourself, invest this time to discover and make yourself a better person for that someone who God will put in your life. Keeping a relationship is not compulsory at all, don't jump into one because of the pressure, if you have stayed single and it hasn’t killed you yet, don't hurry now. Be patient and let God prepare you for someone with His divine seal of approval.
STAY SINGLE! . . . . . AND PROUD!

AM I MOVING TOO FAST?

2018-02-14T22:13:00.001-08:00

It’s barely been a week since you met this charming guy and he is already making your head swell. You’ve got him crowding your Facebook statuses, you're talking about him on your WhatsApp updates, and his face is the customized profile photo on all the social channels you subscribe to.
In just 4 weeks he already has access to your emails, passwords and text messages. He’s kissing, hugging and having his body all over you. Prince charming now decides the kind of parties you attend and the company of friends you should keep. He is cutting off your old buddies and you're cool with it, you don't mind, you just love him. He has you asking his permission before doing anything, and it's alright, you like how he's taking the lead as a real man! You’re talking about him with your friends and everyone in your inner cycle. Your mom already knows, dad knows, your pastor knows, but you know no one in his family besides his cousin, and that too is cool with you right? You guys are already talking about meeting his family, although he just wants to take it slow yea? You just cannot wait to be introduced, ain't it?
I know the first few months of that relationship has been one of the best experience you’ve had in a very long while, you’ve idealized and painted beautiful pictures of how Alex is the sweetest, funniest, nicest and the most coolest guy you’ve ever met, and you believe this one is going to be different from all the others you have dated in the past. He’s so cute and caring and you’re getting those butterfly in your stomach feelings that you would marry him right now if he falls on his knees to ask you sweetly.
But wait dear Kate, before you start moving too fast I would like for you to understand this;
The early stage of a relationship is usually the most confusing and the most misleading phase of love. You know how it is when you first met that special someone, the emotions burning through your vains are usually so high that it gives you no room to think or focus on the true quality of the person. Here, the love is usually the strongest, because you're both trying to meet the expectations of the other. You will both be eager to do anything for each other, catch a grenade, jump in front of a moving train, put your hand in the blade, let go of your friends, cut out your own social life, submit to everything your partner says, because all you're thinking about here is how to impress and keep them happy.
Your partner will call to check on you 5 times a day, even when calling is clearly not their thing. They will google all the romantic text messages they can find to keep you smiling, even when texting is not their strongest quality. They will initiate and plan all the hangouts because there is a rush in their vains to spend all the time in the world with you. In all of these love jamboree, you will give yourself no room to see their faults, weakeneses and shortçomings. They're too perfect, too complete, too caring, too loving, that is all you see, the LIGHT sides of each other that has perfectly overshadowed the DARK sides. And you know how it goes a few months later, sometimes even weeks, when the light starts to fade out, their true quality becomes clearer to you, their every hour calls becomes a traditional one call a day at night. Their I LOVE YOU romantic text messages slowly changes to "please call me". Here you must have invested so much in the relationship to even consider walking backwards, you probably must have had sex with Alex countless times in the rush. So now you just keep loving, hoping that one day things will go back to how it was the very first time.
Don't put yourself in this condition dear Kate, or dear Alex because this usually goes both ways. Don't move too fast, give that young love a chance to get tested, give yourself a chance to really get to know the person you're loving. Trust me, when you're with the right person, with all the right qualities that you accept in them, the emotions will never end.

Some things the singles cannot see and the married are not tellingthem.

2018-02-12T01:26:00.000-08:00

We live in a dissatisfied generation. Those who are short in height wished they were taller.
The white is tanning their bodies trying to get dark, the blacks are bleaching trying to get
white. The young are tinting their hair white, the old are dyeing their hair black. Singles are
posing with wedding ring, those married forget to wear it, those with beards are shaving
off, those with none are using methylated spirit to grow some! Today, I have a story to tell.
Are you ready for it? Here we go. Once upon a time, (time – time), when I was single, I
looked forward to
marriage. Now that I am married, I missed the time I was single! End of story!
Singles will hardly believe that because all in their mind is to get married so that everything
can change. I have been happily married for fourteen years and here are a few things I
have learned that might bless you if you are still single.
1. Marriage will not make you happier. Be happy before marriage. Marriage has no power
in itself beyond the two people involved.
2. Marriage will not change you. Change begins inwardly. Marriage is not a change agent.
Marriage will not improve your attitudes, it will expose them. Marriage does not eliminate
your weaknesses, it will amplify them. Start working on your attitudes and weaknesses
before marriage.
3. Marriage will not cure loneliness. There are several married people who have their
spouses with them by the second, but are extremely lonely. Loneliness is more of a state of
mind than availability of people around you. The loneliest people in the world are
sometimes the ones with large number of fans and crowd around them. Only God’s word
can cure the root cause of loneliness.
4. Marriage will not take pressures away, it will probably bring more. You have one more
life to manage. If you cannot manage yours and you venture into marriage, it will be a
disaster. When the children start coming, there will be more pressures. Learn to take
pressures head on by casting your care on Jesus and refusing to worry like the scripture
advises.
5. Marriage is not all about sex. Ask somebody who is married. Yes, sex is a marital glue,
a healing balm in the soul for couples, and a blessing that keeps couples together. But it is
not like you think, sex in the morning, afternoon and evening. Average couples actually
make love twice or thrice in a week. However, the more frequent it is for married couples,
the better for them.
6. Your spouse will not be a magician neither is he the Holy Spirit. He will be a human
being with his
own issues. You will always need God. He might be very anointed on the pulpit and filled
with God’s glory while she is ministering in the choir, but at home he or she is a human
being with all the weaknesses complete. Learn to separate the office or position of your
spouse from his or her person at home.
7. Marriage is not all about kisses, flowers, cinemas, cakes, chocolates and vacations
alone. It is about cooking, pampers, crying baby, working, paying school fees and so on. It
is about budgets, plans, strategies and divine wisdom. It is about submission to your
husband who you sometimes think is hard, insensitive and unloving. It is about loving your
wife who you sometimes think is stubborn, does not want to be corrected and can nag
from morning till next day.

What God does not want from you as a lady and as a wife

2013-09-05T03:47:00.001-07:00

Today, we will be looking at “What God does not want from you as a lady and as a wife.”

1. He does not want you to be
disobedient or rebellious to your
husband. God wants you as a wife to be obedient and submissive to your husband. Let’s look at the scriptures IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. (1Pe 3:1-2 AMP)
Now wives, there is no way you follow the above scripture and you will not have victory in your marriage. Why? Because it is the word of God and His word never fails. Take a look at it again! You are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]. That is how to make
you husband love you like no man’s business! Before you give up in that marriage, before you start complaining, make sure you obey what God instructs you to do here. Notice that includes uncooperative husbands. The scripture says you can win them over by your attitude! That is how powerful a woman is. As a single lady, giving in to pre-marital sex is not submission. Don’t even think about it. They are miles apart. You are to stoutly refuse and disobey him in regard to that in order to preserve the relationship and preserve your destiny. If he wants to go because you won’t give in to sex, let him go! His name may be Abednego! He is not your husband. If he is, he will not be putting pressure on you to compromise your virtue.

2. He does not want you to place your work/career before your family. You should never make that mistake. Your family comes first and the wife is really the home-maker. If you do not put priority on your home, you make your husband vulnerable and make the children grow in abdefective way. While it is good to pursue your career, your family must come first. Too many women have pursued their career at the expense of losing their husbands and children. The key here is balance. As singles ladies, be open to friendship as you grow, pursue your career and don’t be isolated.

3. He does not want you to live a life of depression and unhappiness. God wants you to be
a happy wife! He wants you to create an atmosphere of joy in the home and not that ofvgloominess and despondency. A woman can literally change the mood in the house! That is how powerful women are. Take it easy. Be humorous. Learn to relax and don’t be toovclosed up in your own worldview. A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the
day. (Pro 15:13 MSG) As a single lady, be cheerful and don’t let that melancholic look to take over your
countenance or else the very husband you want to attract can change his mind upon sighting your face even though God has spoken to him! So cheer up! Cast you care on Jesus and don’t allow worry to bend you over. Guys like their ladies straight! Yes, I know depressive thoughts will come but you must learn to handle them God’s way! We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers
erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.
(2Co 10:5 MSG)

4. He does not want you to get involved with adulterous relationships. Don’t try to revenge
on your husband’s attitude by developing affairs with colleagues and friends. It may make your flesh feel good in revenge, but in the real sense of it, it will bring untold anguish and heartache. Your life will slip down to that of deception, lies and other false intrigues. Thebconscience can become seared until one sees nothing wrong in having adulterous flings just to feel good and ‘enjoy life”. Don’t cheat on your husband, the consequences are debilitating and crushing. Adultery is a stolen pleasure and the spiritual implications are
not good for anybody. Stolen bread tastes sweet, but soon your mouth is full of gravel. (Pro 20:17 MSG)
As single ladies, don’t keep one guy in Nigeria and the other in USA while you are collecting money from both of them. That way, you are training your heart in adultery drama that won’t end happily thereafter.

5. He does not want you to provoke your children unnecessarily. God does not want you to take out what you feel or how you feel on the children. Don’t transfer your aggression on them or else they will grow up doing exactly the same things to their siblings and then their spouses. What you do to children and around them go a long way to influence their thought patterns and outlook to life. Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.] (Col 3:21 AMP)
Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits. (Col 3:21 MSG) As single ladies, can you cope with children or they irritate you? If they do, it is something you need to work on.

6. He does not want you to deny your husband sexual pleasure. Never do this for any reason! It is unwise under any circumstance unless of course you are certain that your husband would transmit STDs as a result of his lifestyle.Many wives have unwittingly
pushed their husbands into the waiting hands of adulterous women by starving their husbands with sex. It is not a wise thing to do. Sex means to your husband much more than it means to you! Let me drive home the point with this illustration. A couple held themselves in a good embrace at night and in a split second the husband is ready for sex and was warming up for that. To his consternation, the wife said “No. “I just wanted you to hold me, that’s all, no sex!” The husband, all worked up went to bed with serious headache. A few days after that, they went on a shopping spree. The wife saw some jewelry, clothes, designer shoes and the husband asked her to pick them all. Then she saw skirt suits, and trouser suits. The husband still said she could pick them. She was enraptured. As they move over to the counter to pay, the husband said, No! I just wanted you to hold them. Hold them tight, that’s all!
As singles ladies, God does not want you in pre-marital sex or making out. What is wrong is wrong!

7. He does not want you to nag or disrespect your husband. Nagging is dangerous to marriage! Every man detests it. It will never work, so don’t resort to it.

8. He does not want you to discuss your husband with others. Never make that mistake. That male colleague that seems to have a listening ear is really looking for ways to take you to bed at the end of the day. With a few exception, though. That other guy with whom both of you exchange marital challenges and how your spouses have not been good is not a good relationship to keep. There would soon be emotional affair and then it will be taken to a physical level if care is not taken.

As single ladies, do not close your eyes to bad and wrong attitude in your fiancée. Every bad and negative tendency you see will leave the level of proclivities and graduate into full bloom after marriage, so in borrowing the Nigerian lingo “shine your eye well!”

Is Masturbation Really a Sin?

2013-08-30T02:12:00.001-07:00

I made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes. (Job 31:1 MSG)

Masturbation is simply defined as “Manual stimulation of the genital organs (of yourself or another) for sexual pleasure.”Singles and married people alike often believe
that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. There is a book that
says, “95 percent of boys masturbate and the remaining 5 percent lied.” Invariably, that is
like saying that everybody masturbates. Today, not just boys, but men, girls and women masturbate. Now, some Christians even do so, and with a lot of excuses why they should. Some offer excuses that since God says ‘Don’t fornicate,” and we really are obeying God, so masturbation must be God’s way of relieving
the pressure build up. Could that be true? Some pastors are as confused about the subject as their members on the issue, and some also pointedly say there is nothing wrong with it. This has sent a confused signal to the body of Christ, thereby making an average
believer who might have been struggling with masturbation to have enough reason to continue. Now, the major issue is that
masturbation is progressive and what satisfied you the last time will not the next time! Today,masturbation has gone to another level from hand stimulation to use of sex toys that were produced for that specific purpose. A lot of folk are addicted to masturbation; they go to bed with dildos, vibrators, and the likes. There are human dolls built to respond like humans, there are several masturbators which are a mockery to the dignity of the Homo Sapien! So, an average believer who has been
told nothing is wrong dabbles into it, and before he knows it, he is hooked on pornography and other perversions, and that is the problem! He will not be satisfied after a while, and this is also why a lot of people found themselves in sickening habits like bestiality, bondage sex and so on! When you
give the devil an inch, he will take a mile! But is it true the New Testament never addressed the issue of masturbation because
God wanted us to masturbate? I don’t think so. As far as I am concerned, that is like saying, “the bible didn’t say we should not cook our rice with rat poison because he wanted us to commit suicide! Now I am going to give you just one scripture. Let’s bear in mind that for one to masturbate: There must be a thought process, a mental
image of a man or woman or sex scene or sex pictures, which one focuses on, and then together with the manual stimulation, that brings one to an orgasm. This then means that for one to masturbate; there has to be a mental undressing of the object/person in question, and a mental sexual experience!

Now here is what Jesus said:
But I say unto you, That whosoever
looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Mat 5:28 KJV)

This knocks off masturbation completely. The process that leads to masturbation is what Jesus Christ equated with adultery in the heart! The message is clear! We will stop here today. In coming devotions, we will be discussing more on this subject. If you find yourself in this act, sincerely, God does not condemn you! He would not condone it either! In order for
you to enjoy God's fullness of blessings, He expects you to stay away from sin, so why don't you call upon Him now to help you? He is there waiting to respond to you!

What exactly is true love? How do I know if someone really loves me?

2013-08-27T13:18:00.001-07:00

2Sa 13:1-2 KJV
(1) And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of
David loved her.

(2) And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her. What exactly is true love? How do I know if a man truly loves me? How do I know if a lady
truly loves me. While putting in mind that there are so many definitions and perceptions of what true love is, it is pertinent
to remind ourselves that true love can only be defined by Scriptural standards. Why is this so? God is love. True love can only comes
from anyone that really knows God. A man that doesn’t know God is incapable of showing true love. He may be caring and nice in your own
standards, but as long as He doesn’t know God, he doesn’t understand the dynamics of true
love. That is why we will be going back into the Bible to see the true definition of love. In our devotion this morning, the story of Amnon
comes to mind. Verse one of the above scripture tells us that Amnon was in love with his sister.
Verse two tells us that she was so vexed with love that he fell sick. It was no longer a soul’s battle, it became rottenness in his bones.
From the above, one will naturally conclude that this is genuine love. What do you think? Was the love genuine? For him to fall sick, he
must really be in love! Isn’t that how some men come around you and truthfully tell you that they can’t eat again, sleep again because
of love? Can we conclude about a man’s love for a woman by virtue of his being “vexed” to the point of sickness?

Look at a few translations:
2Sa 13:2 MSG
Amnon was obsessed with his sister Tamar to the point of making himself sick over her….
Can obsession equal true love?

2Sa 13:2 AMP
And Amnon was so troubled that he fell sick… Can being troubled equal true love?

2Sa 13:2 BBE
And he was so deeply in love that he became ill…
Can being deeply in love equal true love?

2Sa 13:2 NIV
Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar…
Can being frustrated equal true love?
Well, before we conclude, let’s see what happened in a few verses away.

2Sa 13:14 KJV
Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and
lay with her.
Here is Message translation:

2Sa 13:14 MSG
But he wouldn't listen. Being much stronger than she, he raped her.
This couldn’t be true love! How would you rape someone you profess to love? Something
is not quite right there. Sometimes all he wants is sex. That is not love! Sometimes, all she wants is your money, that is not true love! All Amnon wanted was to satisfy that rush of adrenalin. He went so far, thinking he was in love, but once his lust was pacified, love vanished into thin air. Love is willing to wait, lust demands immediate satisfaction. Never forget that. True love will not insist that you compromise your virtue. True love will protect. True love will honour.
True love will respect. So what more is true love? Amnon feigned sickness and deceived his father
True love will not pretend, deceive or trap you. He was never interested in the food. Amnon refused to consider the consequences.
True love is not stupid . True love stands to reason in respect to God’s standard Amnon’s love for Tamar was not natural. It was
incest. True love will not enter into perversion to prove itself. Amnon forced Tamar and raped her, despitevthat Tamar called him ‘brother’ True love will protect. It will not violate your sanctity.
Amnon hated Tamar afterward
True love is not fickle, instant or temporal. It is enduring and lasting. True love does not go back and forth. It is stable. Even when
tried, it still stands strong. I pray for you today, that God will guide you,vlead and help you to differentiate between true love and lust. You will not miss it in Jesus name!

Three things about sex you might not have been told by your parents while growing up

2013-08-24T12:00:00.001-07:00

Most parents never discussed sex with their children while growing up. This is not because they didn't want to, but because most parents
find it awkward or embarrassing to bring up such topics. The major challenge here is that children are curious. Whether you teach them
or not, they will probe and learn it.
Once parents do not take their place and rightly inform their children, they will learn it from different avenues. The problem with this is that most of these other places they learn from are defective. They might learn it from
friends who don't know any better. Some others learn it from pornography. The reason why this issue becomes important is that the first encounter with learning about sex either by information or in a pragmatic way will always remain indelible in a young mind.
It is for this reason that parents must take their place and not leave their children to subjective and warped sexualised opinions
rushing at them from all ends.
We must not allow these young minds to have their first lectures on sex from television or films. Become friends with your children.
Don't tell them lies. Lies like if you allow anybody to touch your breast, you will get pregnant. The moment they discover you lied, they will explore more, and they will cease to see you as someone that should be confided in when there are issues. Become your children's
friend.

Here are three things you might not have been told.
1. Pre-marital sex can lead to death
even though it looks harmless.

1 Corinthians 10:8 KJV
Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand. It may not even lead to physical death immediately, but the stark reality is that every time you violate your body and the principles of God, something dies in you.

2. Sex is originally meant to be a the blessing of the Wedding Night
A couple's first time is supposed to be a special moment on the wedding night. The two become one flesh as the marriage is
consummated on the wedding night. This special moment comes with its blessing from God.

1 Corinthians 6:16-17 MSG
(16) There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two
become one."
(17) Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever--the kind of sex that can never "become one." This is important for those who are still virgins to hold on to their virtues in the midst of opposing and contradictory environment. I get
asked a lot of times by young ladies who are virgins how to handle the tremendous pressures they face. If you are no longer a
virgin, this does not mean you will not be blessed. On the contrary, if you stay away from sexual sins, God will make all things new.
God will not exactly turn you into a virgin, but He would not also consult your past in order to determine your future.

3. Sex outside marriage will weaken you. If you continue to live in sexual sin, your spirit through which you contact God will get weaker and weaker. It will eventually dull your sensitivity to the things of the spirit and your
conscience might end up being seared. Once your conscience is seared, you will no longer see anything wrong, and yet, in the spirit realm where you are meant to rule and reign, you will be subdued. Romans 8:13 AMP
For if you live according to [the dictates of] the flesh, you will surely die. But if through the power of the [Holy] Spirit you are
[habitually] putting to death (making extinct, deadening) the [evil] deeds prompted by the
body, you shall [really and genuinely] live forever. Habitual sin will make nonsense of your
placement in God. It will slow you down financially emotionally and spiritually. Stay chaste. Stay away from pre- marital sex or adultery as the case may be. The consequences are too debilitating. If you're already entangled, GOD will not condemn you, run to Him now, He will embrace you with his loving gracious eternal arms and He will save you from sin and this untoward generation.

Understanding sex and the law of progression

2013-08-22T01:36:00.001-07:00

Some people seem to believe that
sex is a mysterious thing and that they cannot control themselves. Sex like any other thing that relates to human existence is governed by a law. Understand the law and you are delivered from the trap of sexual sins. (whether you are single or not) Sex and the law of progression states that, “Intimacy will increase between two people who are in love (and the last level of intimacy will no longer satisfy) until a boundary is set to control it.” The law explains the progressive nature of sex. In other words before the sexual act is committed, you have enough time and opportunity to stop or prevent it. The mistake singles or married people make (in case of adultery), is that they set the law in motion and then watch helplessly as the law takes effect. There is always a point of no- return as regards sex. It is a point you get to and you are sexually aroused. At this point all sense of judgement, reasoning and wisdom are dead. Please do not get to this point and start looking for a way out. It is almost too late. Understand that sexual sins are easy to handle if you understand this law and decide NOT to set the law in motion. Nip it in the bud. That is why kissing, (whether French or German) heavy petting and necking, fondling, caressing and the like will get you into trouble. It may not be the first time, but it will eventually. Kissing is like starting a journey whose destination is sex. Do not expect a magic to happen or an angel or a mysterious being to help you pull your pants up when you allowed it to go down. And do not say it is the devil because the devil does not help people undress nor does he
lock doors. Now is the time to take a stand and make a decision. The Bible says’ Flee ‘ all appearances of evil. Flee, do not meddle with
sexual activities nor put yourself in
compromisingly tight situations.
And when the Bible says 'Flee,' it is not the time to say, 'Let us reason together!'

The Real Purpose of Sex

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God created sex to be enjoyed within the marital sanctity. The devil took this and perverted that truth. Today, homosexuals and paedophiles are pushing for rights. The truth of God's word is being contested, resisted and opposed like never before. But you see, God's word cannot be bound! In the romantic novels, movies and soap operas, sex is always painted as sweet. In pornographic films, sex is presented as full of ecstasy. This is often presented in the context of cheating, adultery and the likes. All forms of sexual perversion are presented as sweet. What you may not know is that a lot
of porn actresses are drugged to act these parts. After their filming, most of them rush to the conveniences to throw up. They are forced to continue because of the lure of money. People are deceived into believing that fornication, adultery, oral sex, sleeping with a prostitute and the likes are okay. The Bible never disagrees with the short, temporal
sweetness that fornication and adultery may present. Quickie sex with a wrong person, with a married person looks so sweet, but
honey, watch out. The Bible does not mince words. Think about chewing gravel. Yes, sex outside marriage or with the wrong person will bring with it its attendant consequences. This kind of sex will end up in anguish, bitterness,
guilt, dirty feelings and so much more. Cheating on your spouse may look fun or sweet especially when you trying to get back at
your spouse, but you are planting seeds, and when your harvest comes, you wouldn’t have nice time. As a single, you give in to the pressure of sex because you want to keep him? You will eventually lose him, because God’s principles
have been violated. Stop opening your legs, life and destiny to people you hardly know! You can patiently wait to give yourself to that right person, and oh what a joy! If you are already sexually active, it is not too late to repent and ask God to restore you. That is the beautiful thing about God, You can start again in Him. If you are married, please enjoy sex to its
fullest. Never deny your spouse of sex. Real sweet sex can only be found in the marriage context, and how sweet, fulfilling, enriching
and empowering it is. Conclusively, you should know that God will
not judge us generally, so what the trends are and what most people are doing is not a license to join them. We will be judged individually. The implication for this is that God still expects you to follow His principles and other it right, not only to make heaven
and have eternal life, but to have victory here on earth and also to enjoy the maximum blessings that God has for you. I pray for you this day, that every distractions be removed from your way in Jesus name! I pray that God will send that very help you need your way today to help you stay on side of God. You will not miss God's best for your life in Jesus name!

Choosing A Life Partner

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Choosing a life partner is the biggest decision you'll make outside of choosing to accept Jesus Christ as Savior. I've met with scores of couples for premarital counseling through the years. And one of the first points I try to get across to them is that "desire" does not equal love. Desire may be illustrated by a young
person who tells you they can't live without you, that they're miserable, and that life seems colorless and empty when you're not around. That may be a form of love, but it's not the sort of love that will hold a marriage together through the years. While they may feel they "need" you today, it's possible that five months
from now you'll no longer meet their "need," and they'll find that they "need" someone else. What I tell these young couples is that love is based on commitment, and that everything you do is to fulfill, satisfy, and
serve the one you love. Real love doesn't enter a relationship with an expectation to just receive. It enters a relationship to give and give and give. Let me illustrate how deceptive the world's definition of "love" can be. Picture a young couple who has been dating for a few weeks. It isn't long before this young man tells his girlfriend how much he loves her and how difficult it is to keep his hands off her. Pressing her to engage in a
physical relationship, he explains that he "loves her so much" he can no longer restrain himself, he want to defile her through fornication (which many people refer to as premarital sex). The truth is, any young woman who hears that line should realize that the young man doesn't love her too much... he loves her too little. Actually, he's not thinking about her. He's only thinking about himself. He would never rob innocence and purity from one he truly loves. His insistence on a physical relationship only proves one thing: he loves himself much more than he loves her. What really brings peace to a relationship? How do you choose a marriage partner? Let me leave you with just a few thoughts.

Make sure your life partner loves God more than he or she loves you. Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Matthew 22:37-39, NIV) It is so important to observe your partner's love for God. Why? Because in time, the way he or she loves and serves Him will be reflected in the way he or she loves and serves you.

Make sure your life partner is a person of character: "Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord." (Psalm 119:1, NIV) Men and women of character are trustworthy in all they do and have an appetite for righteousness. They will keep their word no matter what the cost. Make sure your life partner is kind to others: "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32, NKJV) If you don't see your partner treat others
with kindness and grace, in time he or she will be treating you the same way.

Make sure to note the way your life partner dresses. "And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do." (1 Timothy 2:9-10, NLT) I'm not saying your partner should wear a gunnysack and combat boots to cover herself. I'm just saying the modest things she wears reveal a lot about her heart. Make sure your life partner treats his or her parents with honor and respect: "Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise." (Ephesians 6:2, NKJV) I have never yet met a young person who is truly successful or blessed who doesn't love his or her parents.

Make sure your life partner is respected by others: "Choose a good reputation over great riches, for being held in high esteem is better than having silver or gold." (Proverbs 22:1, NLT) Be wise about how you do this, but I would recommend that you discreetly ask a few people what they have observed about the person you're considering. Pay as much attention to their hesitations as to their words!

Make sure your life partner is not flirtatious: "Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a common clay pot." (Proverbs 26:23, NLT) A person's actions and looks speak volumes, so be advised, Son, and be wise.

Make sure you understand the true priorities of your life partner's life: "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." (1 Timothy 4:12, NLT) Watch closely to see signs of your partner's love, faith, and purity. Has this person put God first? Does this person live to serve others? Is this person selfish?

Make sure you know whom your life partner's close friends are: "Do not be misled. 'Bad company corrupts good character.'" (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV)

Make sure your life partner is not contentious or violent: "Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred." (Proverbs 15:17, NIV) If you're picking up a lot of unhappiness or anger in this person, then be warned in advance.

Make sure you ask the Lord for discernment. "Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul... May your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (Psalm 143:8,10, NIV) "Trust in the lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, NLT)

Make sure you pray, pray, pray: "Show me the path where I should walk, O lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." (Psalm 25:4-5, NLT)

May God help you in Jesus name.

By
Pastor Bimbo Odukoya

Before You Get Married Part 6

2013-05-31T06:10:00.001-07:00

Whenever we have a church full, 99.9 present would have come for one problem or the other. Some may have lost their jobs; others have shaky marriages or have been driven to seek for God because of bad health or unfruitful business. Time has come for men to look at marriage the way God looks at marriage and bringing out the high points of the Bible, showing people what the Bible says and that is that a day will come in the last minute when people will have itchy ears and not be willing to listen to sound doctrines. A man that is not happy with his marriage will think of changing his partner and we are saying that the Bible is opposed to it because you don’t change your partner or your spouse 1 Cor 7:12-13 . Rom 7:3 . Instead, you change yourself because to change your partner will take you changing yourself. It is amazing how men and women try to bind others because they feel they are the proper demon they see troubling their life. If you intend to marry a woman who has no emotion, no bad attitude, no problem then we should have ordered for a robot. Therefore, do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for, the psychiatric and the insane hospitals will help you. Boy oh boy, what counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. Do you know that it is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel because they get to know each other better? We should also know that a good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Men and brethren, a man and his wife are one. God does not recognize a man and his wife as two entities. God sees them as one. Gen 2:24 . I have seen couples after getting married there are no more elements of surprise gifts. The last gift they gave each other was their wedding ring. We should have elements of surprises in marriage and gifts that will encourage the other person. But when people are hardly surprised, when people lose their capacity for emotion, then, they have become lepers because a leper has no ability to feel any pain and God uses pain to correct and instruct people. When your nerves are all dead, you are as dead as the dead. In marriage it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages; we should daily desire that God will heal and strengthened our marriages. Healing is restoration. Healing is God restoring the nerves of the leper and giving him the ability to feel things and to feel pain and feel cold. Healing is God restoring the gift He gave you at the beginning which you have lost through ill-health, through wrong companionship or through carelessness and recklessness. That is what we call healing and it is restoration which translates to God giving you what you lost. Healing is God granting you creative ideas to make your marriage a heaven on earth. It is therefore interesting to note that all weddings are similar, but every marriage is different, when your friends comes and tell you how sweet her marriage is, most of us will go home to create third world war in our homes. Learn to trust your partner and trust God. Anything that causes us to turn to God and lean harder on Him is an asset, not a liability. Your wife or husband is not a liability as some people think. Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal. The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. How often do we communicate with each other, ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation. Each decision we take everyday is conceived from one of two sources; the flesh or the spirit. As such we must be alert and seek God’s guidance. The enemy may come in different guises to sidetrack us to destabilize our marriage but God will never disappoint those who put their trust in Him and have circumcised their ears and thoughts. Depend on Him in your marriage and believe in His timing, don’t rush into marriage because of peer or family pressure. He made the world out of nothing and needs no help to fix and give you a future.

Before Getting Married Part 5

2013-04-29T02:43:00.000-07:00

You cannot love others except you have given your life to Christ. No man can be a faithful husband if he has not given his life to Christ. Only God can compel the husband to love his wife and to love her unconditionally and love her all the time and love her all the days of his life. Only a man who has surrendered his life to
Christ can love others: can honour others, can respect others. And appreciate and celebrate them.
A humble man is a man who has forgotten who he is and says I am what I am by the grace of God. A woman who knows how to give thanks to God; nothing dies in her hands, because God will turn
her decomposed Lazarus into a recomposed Lazarus. Every family must be grateful to God for his many mercies, therefore when you appreciate God, your marriage will appreciate. When you celebrate God In your marriage, you become a celebrity. In marriage your face is the black board that the other person’s
reads while your heart is the black board that God reads; so you must learn to smile and have some moment of laughter. A man should make the wife laugh at least three times a day. Every family must learn how to invest in Gods project, because God will come back and invest in your life. Marriage should be a strong
cultivation of two people who are intimate friends. Friends that can step on another’s toes without removing their shine; friends when one has messed up, will still love themselves; friends that would not leave themselves even when everyone has abandoned; friends when they are in need, will give up everything
and make sure that in one accord needs are supplied; friends that will pray first for the other even before praying for himself. The bible calls it ‘A friend that is greater and better than a brother. Prov 27:10 . Men and brethren, responsibility is the price of greatness. No man is qualified to possess what he did not
pursue. A man who desires a beautiful woman must be ready to make her body shine 24 hours a day. The scripture expects us to befriend a covenant principle In ourmarriage and you will not depend on
others for help. “Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people”; Exodus 19:5 In the school of marriage, every solution begins with the gift of knowing ‘how’ because God created each and every one of us on purpose for a purpose; so none of us is an accident without a unique destiny. Therefore, when the battles of life gets tough, when the enemy blocks every access road against you, when the enemy hedges you in or aims you in, when you come to a place where you sit on a particular door and cry and that door remains lock; You must learn how to call
for reinforcement by raising a song Hear this “My husband would always advised us to pray for divine favour before stepping out of the house for it will automatically make the impossible possible. As a result, I have watched my husband enjoy some unbelievable favours. While attending a Pentecostal conference in Switzerland we ran short of funds. But as we ate one morning, a stranger who could not speak a word of English walked up to us and began to shout Hallelujah! Apparently that was a way of telling us he was a Christian. He handed over an envelope to my husband, it contained $2000” Pastor Mrs P. Uma
Therefore never despise what you do not understand because it takes more than one colour to make a rainbow. It is therefore time to combine your creative thinking to creative praying and creative doing because in your marriage, your red sea is about to be turn into a red carpet.

Dr Uma Ukpai

Before Getting Married Part 4

2013-04-06T10:36:00.003-07:00

Men and brethren, you must deal with the weakness of your father’s house before you transfer it into your marriage. Realising that only the Holy Spirit can help us with our weakness. You must be prepared to love unconditionally. Begin from your own house, a man must love his wife. You must love your husband. Your husband may be the biggest idiot around you; the bible commands you to love him. Your wife may be the worst demon, but love her. Your love can change him or her. You must learn to be truthful in your marriage, don’t use one another’s weakness as a weapon of war when you have slight misunderstanding. Ask God for grace and wisdom to deal with every confusion and problems in your marriage. Every lie needs another lie to cover the first lie; therefore we must learn to be truthful, even when it hurts. Crisis most times strengthens relationship. It tells us that we are human. Our needs are not many, therefore as much as you can let us
live a simple life. There are things that are not beneficial even though we look for those things. Avoid whatever will lure you into sin, things that can cause depression in your marriage or gossips that can ruin a relationship. In all the battles we fight in life, you either win or lose in your mind. The mind is the ultimate source of creation. When you think about negative things, negative things will begin to happen in your life and marriage. When your partner makes you angry don’t dwell on that anger. In marriage we must
cultivate the habit of saying SORRY, PLEASE and THANK you.Until you appreciate your partner, your marriage and life will not appreciate. When your husband comes suddenly and call you stupid, remind him that you were so stupid and that was why you married him. You must find a way to communicate your
feelings without creating confusion. In my days as a single preacher, after witnessing the power of God, the girl who invited me to that service said to me no other girl would marry you but me and if you say no
I will shoot you and shoot myself. So I was forced to go into one month fast, wanting to escape that trap and God delivered me. God showed me my wife in a revelation. Because we are from the same village I just told God you made a wrong choice; you should have asked me who is a good girl and it is not this girl. I
did not want to tell her. In the first place, she was young at 25 years then. I didn’t want to marry a baby. As far as I know, 25 years is what you call the end of the age of confusion. I waited for two years but I told God I would marry her only on one condition. She had written a book she called, Mother I have found a man. She walked up to me and asked me what I would do if God revealed a girl to me. I told her I will tell the girl to apply and she retorted: ‘Don’t you think you are arrogant?’ I replied, ‘No just say I have
self-respect; being a preacher if I propose to you now you’ll tell the whole world that the man of God is chasing me. Then she said what if I’m the girl? I said to her; then tell me you are the person. She wrote a very beautiful book and was very honest. She said God had revealed to her that I will be her husband. We have been married for 35 years and we have quarrelled only twice; being a confirmation, an affirmation and
attestation that she was the right choice.
By
Dr Uma Ukpai.

Before Getting Married Part 3

2013-03-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

“Men and brethren, there are demons that won’t let your marriage function. The worst in the kingdom of marriage is to be married to someone who will turn your life to a hell on earth. Boy oh boy, I don’t know what is worse in life than marrying a man who hates you and a woman who does not like you. A woman who still prefers her old boyfriend, she still dreams about him, even though she is in your house. Every time you come close to her, she compares you with that old boyfriend and says to herself, I wish I had married that boy. And to her anything she does to you is done out of pity, not because you deserve it. Sometimes you asked for breakfast, she will ask you if you have no hand. A woman who will kill you easily is a woman who when you have come back from the day’s hard job and right at the door; you are welcomed with issues and
problems instead of water or food. A wife who cannot stop the husband from working too hard or cultivating the habit of rest will soon be a widow. One of my Pastor’s friends wrote in his will that if anything happens to him, that I should be the one to preach in his funeral! He died because he had refused to cultivate the rest culture. When I came to the funeral, I raised millions of naira for the family’s upkeep. The wife shouted please Reverend let us also go to Ibadan to raise more money? I told her to shut up, where was she when she refused to stop my friend from overworking. A woman who is killing the husband by slow motion
is a woman who intentionally and unintentionally confronts the man at the wrong time and wrong places. In the book of 2 Samuel 6:16 , the scriptures gave us an insight of a woman who fell in love with the killer of Goliath, Saul’s daughter according to the word loved David ‘but she despised him in her heart’ when he saw him rejoicing that God had granted him success. We know the results; the bible says she was cursed.
“Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death” Verse 23. Marriage is not a competition of who had achieved things more the other. Heaven can open door for the woman more than the man but she must learn to still be submissive as ordained by God. It takes wisdom to build a good marriage
that others will call a heaven on earth. Do not be deceived to choose to be an imitator of other people’s marriage, some Africa marriages you see are mostly people smiling with their teeth opened, but by the time you get closer, you will discover how badly it stinks. Marriage is ordained by God and the devil is not happy when you are happy” to be contd....

By
Dr Uma Ukpai

Ten Tips to Having a Healthy Marriage

2013-03-03T07:11:00.001-08:00

1. Be Appreciative- Tell your spouse that you appreciate him/her and everything he/ she do for you, even the small things.

2. Be Committed- stand strong in your commitment to save your marriage and make it healthy again. If you don't stand up for your own marriage, who will? God
gives you more strength than you can ever imagine.

3. Be Communicative- Keep those lines of communication open with your spouse. Talk to him/her daily and just discuss family matters and matters of the heart with him/her. It shows inclusion and promotes openness. You should also make your requests known to God, who will hear your prayers and help you in your walk to
have a healthy marriage.

4. Be Encouraging- Say words of
encouragement to your spouse. When he/ she do something great, tell him/her that he/she did a great job or good work. It can
only encourage him/her to keep pleasing you, right?

5. Be Genuine- In your communications, have a spirit of genuineness and not sighing, pouting or complaining about
something. If you have been with him/her long enough, he/she will detect if you are genuine or just doing it for self gain. Do it in love!

6. Be Fearless- Don't be afraid to try new things in your marriage to make it more enjoyable. Go someplace new (even if it's to a new park or restaurant), try a new
bedroom move (just don't hurt yourself), try a new perfume/cologne to entice your spouse (or as the old timers used to say, a
new "come and get me sauce"). Just don't be afraid to do it. This is YOUR spouse and you are entitled to have a great time with them. And the best thing about it is "IT'S
100% LEGAL!

7. Be Fun- Did you ever have fun with your spouse early on in your marriage or during the engagement stage? I know you both
hung out and took walks in the park, went to the beach, baseball games, basketball games, plays, movies, etc. You did things
that were fun and enjoyable for both of you. So why do you think that you can't still have fun because you are married now?

8. Be Honest- Be sincere and truthful in your communications. If you are worried or hurting about something, talk about it honestly. You know when the door is opened for that honest communication
with your spouse, so don't be afraid to do it.

9. Be Humorous- Didn't you ever laugh when you were dating your spouse? Surely somebody cracked a joke or two in the relationship. You cannot tell me that you didn't laugh at jokes, movies, falling down, getting up or just silly things. But you know, those things gave you both hope and lightened the load of just being in a relationship. Remember, laughter is good
relationship medicine and should be practiced as often as you can do it.

10. Be a Listener- There are times when our spouses just want a listening ear. Don't be too busy to be a listener when your spouse needs to talk. You did talk all night
when you were dating right? The difference now is that you don't tell him/her to go home and come back tomorrow, because you are living under the same household.
Lend that ear to him/her and they will cherish it! Now I didn't mention prayer specifically
because that should be a given in any relationship. Praying about your situation and how to handle it should be first and foremost in your marriage; period! Remember this, if you are not fulfilling your role as the spouse that God wants you to be, someone else will be happy to try and fill it for you. Don't let that happen in your marriage. Take Charge of what you
need to do to keep your marriage healthy. Just put forth the effort first and allow God to lead you the rest of the way.