Lori's Reflections

Regrets of Motherhood

Lori — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:50:20 +0000

A few days ago while looking for some photos I found myself sitting inside my closest crying. With my oldest son turning 16 I find I am becoming more contemplative. As a mother you always wonder, did I do enough? Have I given my children the foundation they need when they are adults, did I enjoy every moment of their childhood? And when I caught a picture of myself in one of those photos I had to honestly say…no.

Regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could make a pillow and stay for a long time. It is only through Jesus Christ and his unconditional love that I refuse to let myself fall into the pit of regret. But this one night, while sitting on the floor of my closet, I allowed my big toe to temporarily dip into that pit of regret. I share these thoughts in case there is a mother out there with young children who is just trying to survive.

You are not alone.

When I saw that photo of myself with my young toddler, I saw a Mom who was fighting to just survive. One thing blogging has brought to the forefront for many women is the insecurity I was/am not a “good enough” Mom. I did not take a photo of every milestone or journal every good deed. Fortunately I had a mother-in-law who loved to take a lot of photos, that is why I have them today. Instead I was a mother with two babies 18 months apart, with no family support around me, just trying to survive.

I lived the first 6 years of my two oldest boys lives tired. I was always worn out, worn down, and living from one moment to another. Now don’t misunderstand me there were great moments in between. My favorite time of the day was when they woke up from their afternoon nap. I loved the cuddling time I had with them there. No matter what kind of morning we had, we had that moment of tenderness.

There were good times, but there were also times that I look back and realize I was living moment to moment, trial to trial, just trying to keep my head above water. That is what I saw in the photo I was looking at.

Would I change anything? No. God knew I needed to be away from my family to rely totally on Him, God knew to give me children who were a bit challenging, so my knees would hit the floor daily before Him, God knew to develop some of the inner strength I have today I needed that time to grow.

But I sure wish I was a Mom who journaled and marveled at every little thing my child did, instead I was a Mom who hit her feet running at 7am and collapsed into bed by 9pm after raising two very active little boys. I believe my personal blessing was my third child, he was and is my easiest child to raise, and I have stopped to savor every moment since the day he was born.

But I would not trade the lessons I have learned from my two oldest.

If you are a Mom who feels less than adequate and you seem to live your days just trying to survive, I want to let you know you are not alone. Mom was right, life does slow down, and you will miss every stage. Now that my boys are teenagers, becoming little men with their own thoughts and opinions I have found life does change. I am not living to survive anymore, I am try to grasp every moment, even the bad ones knowing they will be gone before I blink.

I won’t say that having them as teenagers is easier, but it is a lot different than the toddler days.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was like some of the mothers I read about throughout blogging world, I wish I had captured more memories, and I did not live my life trying to survive. I wish I had more support around me when they were younger, I wish I documented things more, I wish I did not take some things for granted at the time. And as I said before, regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could just make a pillow and stay for a long time.

Instead I look back and I am thankful for the survival instinct the Lord has developed in me, I am thankful for the hard lessons that were taught, I am thankful that I know I can lean fully on him when others are not around, and I know without a doubt He is faithful.

I am also thankful that despite my failings the Lord has developed my sons into people I am very proud of. And both God and I know, it was not because of my stellar mothering skills.

If you are a struggling Mom please know there is light at the end of the tunnel and God guides you every step of the way. Don’t compare yourself with other Moms or you too will find that pit of regret Satan likes to trap us in. Most importantly hang on to the truth GOD IS FAITHFUL and will see you through.

Now I will buckle up to see what the Lord has to teach me through kids driving, dating, going to college, moving away, etc… I fear I still have a lot to learn. Like how to slowly begin to let go.

In my BlogFrog Community I ask: What are some of the struggles you struggle with as a Mother or did struggle with?

Obviously My Brain Only Thinks In Lists

Lori — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:03:32 +0000

Hi! So what is happening with you? My poor blog is feeling neglected these days. Well let me share what is going on with me, I will make a list because that seems to be the way my brain is functioning these days.

1. Life has been busy, busy, busy here for me and I wish I could blame it all on sports, but that would not be the truth. Let’s see:

2. I have helped design or redesign two blogs. One being Laced With Grace...the other still to come.

3. I helped compile photos and information for another blog. So three websites all together.

4. These are all things I really, really enjoy. I am amazed how God brought these opportunities to me.

5. I have a son about ready to turn 16 in a week…but we won’t discuss that because this Mom is not facing that fact. NO MAM…not thinking about it.

6. I have two sons who are trying out for their middle school basketball teams (they go to different middle schools), one will most likely make it, one possibly not (just because he is young). Not ready to handle a broken-hearted son. BUT I could be wrong, that would be awesome if I am.

7. I had two nephews birthdays that I have yet to send something, I am worst Auntie of the year officially.

8. I am busy helping Noelle with Christian Women Affiliate (did you know it is free??). Another task I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Seriously you need to listen to some of these ladies on our CWA BlogTalkRadio. What a ministry. I often turn them on each day and listen while I am at work.

9. I am turning 40 this year. (oh wait did I say that outloud). Hmm not dealing with it and it is not even until Oct.

10. I LOVE, LOVE my book reviewing and have reviewed some awesome “must read” books. I have a stack of great books to share with you, my problem is getting them all read!! Just today I received a stack of 5 books–in ONE day! I need to learn to speed read, ha!! I usually turn off the computer by 10pm, but I stay up reading and if it is a good book then I am blurry eyed the next morning. ha. But reading is like breathing for me…a necessity.

11. Do you see why I have not blogged, not much going on that is interesting to share.

12. I had one person ask me, “Lori is there anything you can’t do?” They meant this as a sincere compliment, but let me tell you there are tons I can’t do. I suck at girl-friendships, I can not drive away after getting gas w/out a receipt because of the fear of not having proof I paid, I am a mediocre cook, I fear large crowds–would rather sit with you one on one, I like to avoid conflict at all costs (to my determent), and finally (as my sisters will assets to) I need to learn to stand up for myself. I don’t EVER want to give anyone the impression I have it all together. I DON’T. Any good you see is GOD, and I mean that in the most humble sense. Without him I would fall apart at the seams.

Thanks Mom for reading all the way down, I say that because you may be the only one that did not get bored with my list. But I wanted to say I am still alive and kicking, just busy behind the scense. Be sure to join my book review site because many times I post more over there.

No worries I will be back soon to complain that my oldest son is 16.

Oh and one more thing Friday is the last day to enter to win Laced With Grace’s $50 Amazon Gift Certificate!

So what have you been up to????

God’s Promises

Lori — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:48:00 +0000

My problems are not any different than yours. Life hits and has you spinning wondering which way is up. Problems don’t seem to come individually either, they like to hit all at once. This is why I have been relatively quiet here on my blog.

God has brought opportunities my way that has taken my time away from blogging. Also things happen that I don’t feel the freedom to share on the World Wide Web. I think God has me in a season of growth and development. Growth means dying to self and seeking His will for my life. I may desire things to change or go in a direction that seems logical, but God wants me to hold those dreams loosely and to follow Him even when my eyes can not see.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

God is faithful and he cares for me, my loved ones and my family even more than I do, is the thought that kept rolling through my mind as I was at the beach yesterday. When the four walls begin to close in running away to the beach to sit and read my bible is my refuge. I have to chuckle because as I sat on the beach God whispered look up the word sand. I laughed thinking the word “sand” is not going to be in my concordance. Well guess what, it was there. The first verse I read was:

I will surely bless you, and I will surely multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven and as the sand that is on the seashore. And your offspring shall possess the gate of his enemies, Gen. 22:7

Here in the verse above is the promises made by God to Abraham. And we know that God was faithful in every promise God made to Abraham. At the beach God was reminding me that he is faithful to every promise he has made to me.

1. He has promised to supply every need we have. The Bible says: “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”. That’s Philippians 4:19.
2. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9).
3. God has promised that His children will not be overtaken with temptation. Instead, He assures us that a way of escape will be provided. I Corinthians 10:13.
4. God has promised us victory over death. Peter said: ” This Jesus God raised up, and of that we all are witnesses.” (Acts 2:32). Paul wrote to the Corinthians: “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures” (I Corinthians 15:3,4). Later on he adds: “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (I Corinthians 15:57).
5. God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28). It may be difficult for us to see and that those who believe in Jesus and are baptized for the forgiveness of sins will be saved. (Mark 16:16 and Acts 2:38).
6. God has promised His people eternal life (John 10:27,28).

So after reading that list God reminded me that he fulfilled his promises to Abraham, just as he will (and does) to me.

It helps to live with the day to day trials, for my hope lies in God. And He is faithful.

Which promise did you need to be reminded of?

Lori's Reflections

Regrets of Motherhood

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