PrairieNinja

Games

2015-04-19T11:36:00.001-06:00

Fun, I'm working on my ability to have fun. What to do for fun? Endless hours of playing Neopets? I do sometimes, I love it.

Those are two of my pets! It's fun, wonderful, interesting and family/work friendly. But what else is a girl to do for fun? I like DragonFable too, it's a dungeon crawler but very fun. Also hilarious. I visit friends and we cackle, and I enjoy my garden too. But what can I do with other humans? My son finally talked me into playing video games with him, and I should have connected with him like this long before now. Worms is awesome. Tristyn's Grandma Medussa found the coolest checkers game ever!

If your little person is a dino fan, I highly recommend this set. Super fun! I am not good at strategy games but Tristyn doesn't pick on me too much. He's a good kid. He does get a tad upset when someone else wins, but we are working on being happy for our friend when they beat us and sharing in their accomplishment, rather than thinking we are a loser and getting mad. I have trouble with it sometimes so I get his issue, and his anger. Sharing in good times is much more fun than being mad. We both need a good dose of that.

Just Keep Swimming

2015-04-19T09:11:00.001-06:00

I have to go through a life change. Right. Now. I came to a moment in my life where I made bad choices, became introverted, pushed the only man I've ever truly loved away and destroyed my health and life. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I tried to take a selfie and I forgot how to smile. I'm not fun. I used to be though. What happened to me? I think between the disease in my belly and the one already in my mind the lambs kept screaming. The voices that I've heard for so long got louder and louder, to the point I couldn't even hear my own voice unless I was screaming. Voices saying, "You're worthless. Impossible to love. Lazy. You don't do anything worthwhile. No one will ever love you forever, you just drive everyone away. You're mean. Hateful. Miserable. Not good enough, as if you ever try. You're just a horrible human being, no wonder no one likes you." And of course, many others.

I don't love myself. I think I forgot how to. I have a sty in my eye. i was looking in the mirror at it, drew back, and scared myself. Who is that miserable, tired person in my bathroom? Who is she, and what in the hell happened to her? Oh lordhamercy. That is me. Me? ME?!? What in the holy name of Hades happened to me!?!? I was this bubbly, effervescent charmer. I was fun, and now I don't recognize myself. I'm totally miserable, and lost in my own head. I've been zombiefied for months. Years? Maybe. I've gotten slowly worse over the years, and I think that my diagnosis of Gastroparesis tripped me into a hole. I got a hard look at my life, and my universe broke. The earth shifted, and I remember I am a survivor. Here's a helpful life tip, don't accuse any woman of being a crazy bitch, especially if she isn't breaking your stuff. Because she will say, "Do you want to see a crazy bitch? I'LL SHOW YOU ONE!" Then there's broken glass everywhere. Aaaannnnyyyyyway, I have to save myself. I hope what is left of my relationship will survive. I'm holding on to a bit of hope that things will work out between us, but between lies and heartbreak where is love? Where is comfort on the cold, hard ocean rocks? I feel the wind slapping my face, my cries lost in a tempest. At this moment, I feel used. Like his only use for me is when I have something he wants. But if you're needy, who do you hit up but those you think will help or love you? He denied me touch when I saw him. I bleed for touch. It connects me to humans. I crave it the way a smoker will chop off your fingers for the nicotine under your nails. Only when I truly care for someone I am cuddly. I don't really like anyone else touching me. One day at a time, I swear I will figure this all out one day at a time.

I love you!

Duck duck Squirrel

2015-04-18T21:56:00.000-06:00

How fricken cute is that? A duckie with a tiara!

Aww a baby bun bun!

Rawr! i is feeeerocious!

So now that we've got our smiles on, we should get to business. It's spring! In wyoming, that means when the freezing temps change randomly to 70+ degrees and random rains melt the snow. And then it snows again. I decided I was going to grow food this year. Thanks to my mom and her lovely internet, I was able to take a couple of weeks to research, and I did it almost exactly wrong with good results. I swear that is my calling card. However, I have peas! Lotsa peas! 17 pea plants at last count, which is way more than any one family needs. well, perhaps it'll be just enough with grandparents, siblings and cousins. Plus a wonderful landlord that is a health food nut. Next I'm planting strawberries, and salad greens seed. You know, if the rain ever lets up. I did manage to throw out some wildflowers in the flower bed, transplant my rose and my indoor garlic that sprouted on my counter. I am so excited!

empty for now, just insert hopes and dreams

I'm gonna be a real garden!

With snow.

Dirt!

baby peas

PEAS!

Garlic and roses

Tristyn and I made labels out of tiles with sharpie, but the sharpie washed off. So next is nail polish. Ha! I read that garlic and roses make good bed buddies, so we will see how that works. I'll be planting the strawberries with salad greens, and preparing my largest blank bed for tomatoes in a couple of months. Cherry and regular! I'm so excited!

What exciting spring thing are you up to?

Ted Saved My Life

2015-04-03T19:04:00.001-06:00

I have a new obsession, TedTalks episodes. I found one by Jane McGonigal talking about quality of life. She mentioned in the talk her game called SuperBetter. Its a game using real life things to live a longer better life, especially in the face of chronic pain and disease.
Here's the video I watched. Totally work appropriate! Yay!

10 years, huh? So I have to check it out. I signed up, picked out my secret identity and am raring to go. So far its fun, we shall see! I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

So I deactivated my Facebook. I use it too much to connect with people, when I'm not actually connecting. I feel like I'm talking and visiting people that I haven't actually seen in years, so I'm changing it up. I'm forcing myself to go out and actually connect in real life with other humans. Now all I have to do is actually do it. Yay!

Joy

2015-03-30T14:48:00.001-06:00

I have a cat, Jellybinx.

His bones fell out

my laundry helpers

Jellybinx will never learn to quit laying on the folded blankets. I've done everything I can think of to get him to quit, from spray bottles to just moving him, and nothing deters him from his fave spot. When I see him tucked into the fuzzy blankets, I can't help but feel a fierce joy when I remember the first time I saw him. I went to my local animal shelter, Find yours here. I wandered amongst the cages and kennels, just visiting as I do occasionally. I had the fat old kitty Queen PuffyFluff, who spends her days sleeping in her food dish mostly. I also had Moose, but he is my son's dog. I love him, he's my sweet booboo, but he's not my spirit animal. So I went in search of an animal partner. So I meandered, and saw many sad faces through the bars. No one really stood out to me, so I wandered back to the front and asked who had been there the longest. My local shelter is a city run kill shelter, so pretty much as they run out of room, they have to euthanize whichever animals have been there the longest. I was directed to Jellybean. The Nice Shelter Lady was very excited to have someone looking at him. I used to think that black cats were less likely to be adopted, so that is what I was looking for. I wanted to take someone home that just needed a chance. The nice shelter lady got him out of his cage for me, he was asleep. I got blinking, bleary yellow eyes, a big yawn, and an irritated look. Wonderful, he wakes up like I do. I held him in my arms, he was so small and soft. At (they think) a year old, he was only 8 pounds. He looked up at me, and I felt my heart melt. Then he bit my ear. Poor NSL, she did a sharp intake of breath and I saw it on her face, He's never going to get adopted now! But I laughed and kept petting him. He's been my cuddly jerk cat from that day, and I love him dearly. Best Valentine's day gift to myself ever! He is demanding, sweet, and knocks things on to the floor when he doesn't get what he wants. He won't stay off my kitchen table, eats the dog's food, and makes constant messes. Sweet kitty, what would I do without you?

Have you ever gotten a pet for yourself/your child/ren for a holiday?

Rainbows

2015-03-29T23:31:00.002-06:00

Flare day! Yay! Yay because I can still feel pain which means I'm alive. I can get out of bed today, even though I feel sick every time I stand up. I am alive. ALIIIIVE! I have a neighbor that lost part of his foot last week due to not taking care of himself and his diabetes. I look back on this last week, and all of the crying and praying to realize I am blessed and continue to be blessed. I have a good life friends and neighbors. I have an extensive family from the Hiskey, Wait, Ross, Bland, Allen, Pieroni, Hoffman, Barelle, Gonzalez, Gordon, Wright, Harmon, Sexton, Williams, Brodbeck, Bennett, Neubauer, Morris, Brown, and so many other last names. This is just off the top of my head and in no way includes everyone. How much time have I wasted feeling alone? Wow, the list surprises me. I am getting my house fixed up, I have a wonderful and hilarious kid, and the sweetest boyfriend that I only want to bury in an anthill some days. Good times girl. Now just to figure out my purpose in life...

Have you ever thought, I'm __ years old and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE!!! Aughhhhh!!!

So 30 has been a bit weird for me. I keep thinking I'm not in my 20s anymore, I have an 8 yr old that I have to teach to get along in the world and I still feel like a homeless artist with no paint. BAh! I have found some paint, in a way. My yarn. I made a shawl for my grandma Louise with different stitches in the brightest barbie pink I could find. Grandma has Macular Degeneration and she can see bright colors. I'm currently working on a rainbow blanket and it feels so good. I've been researching fiber crafts and pioneer arts. I find it fascinating when people can take pretty much nothing and make something wonderful from it. I'm learning to do that with food too. I was raised by a working mom, so we did a lot of microwave food. Now i'm learning the joy of real flavors and food made of, well, food. I'm thinking of documenting that journey here as well.

Blah spring break. I'm going to bed.

Motivation! Whoo!

2015-03-17T18:33:00.001-06:00

If you've ever been here before, there is something you may have noticed. I am not a sunshine and rainbows type of person... most of the time. I'm coming out of the closet. The mental illness closet. I've struggled for as long as I can remember with depression, anxiety, and melancholy. I am continually reminded of how blessed I am, and how I am not alone. Darling, you are not alone. Yes, you. The one reading this right now. I know you're there, I see your pageviews and comments and see you. You are never alone. But not in a super creepy way. Well, slightly creepy. Even when you don't feel beautiful, you are. I haven't really felt beautiful since I got really sick. I touched on it a couple of times, but I didn't live it. Now I remember myself, the self that is beautiful without makeup and feeling like crap. Still beauty baby!

Yeah. So anyway, you are still beautiful, even when you feel like this my love. Smile! I'm gathering what I'm calling brain glitter. Glitter in, rainbows out. Out of my head! Get it? I want to be more of the upbeat and happy person I know I can be. So, lets do a top 5!

Top 5 Things That Make Me Happy Today:

1- This video always makes me giggle!

2- The bravery of this little girl, Jazz. She's a spokesmodel now and I hope more people find out about her and her story.

3- This video of my dog, Moose.

4- Jujubee is wonderful! She is wicked sparkly, and always bubbly.

Love her!

5- Freerice.

Freerice is a trivia game that donates rice to starving people! Fun and awesome! Subjects include different languages, art, quotes, and geography. Feed the starving and make yourself smarter. Bam! Win-win baby!

So don't forget I love you, and I'll see you on the ice!

Good Morning Ya'll!

2015-02-17T12:54:00.002-07:00

It's a new year again! Well, it was. I have been off, on a refocus mission in my life. Have you ever sat down and actually thought about what is important in your life? A re-evaluation of self, the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? 42. And that's life. So, I did. And it sent me into a spiraling depression. I mean, bad. I see the sun again, and it's a good day. I'm throwing a review/recommendation at you today, just know I am not getting paid or compensated in any way for this. At least, not by the website. I do get compensated if you click on the ads on here, which makes you instantly cooler (at least to me. Because you're contributing to the future dream of me paying for my own internet. Thank Goddess for library wifi.) and goes to a totally good cause, me! :) I digress...

The Flylady is amazing! I really can't say enough good things about this TOTALLY FREE website. This is basically a system for people that aren't organized or have too much going on (anyone with kids, I'm looking at you) and need to get control of their worlds. I was a work from home/ part time student/ single mom of a toddler while watching my niece 12 hrs a day, also a toddler. The kids were clean, but I and my house were a nightmare. I'm not horrified at the thought of someone needing to use my bathroom anymore! I've never been organized in my entire life. I used to say i organized in piles. Yeah, that's a huge lie. I just tried to keep a rolling inventory of everything I owned and where i put it. Easy when you're homeless and all of your possesions fit in a backpack, impossible to insanity-making for a student with an apartment, forget the kid's stuff. I shudder just thinking about it. I had a wonderful friend suggest the site, and I said theres no way this can work, its too easy. Just one new thing a day for a month. Simple stuff, and nothing over 15 minutes. Most of it takes 2-3 minutes. IT REALLY IS THAT EASY!!! Seriously, come over to my house and see my shiny sink, clean bathroom, bedroom floor (I forgot the carpets weren't made of clothing) and my kitchen table. Yes, I have an actual table, not just a base for the horrifying amount of paperwork and flyers for everything from boy scouts to pizza sculpture in my kitchen! Please help yourself, it is so easy and fun! Love yourself and don't be ashamed of your home!

Thoughts on THOTs

2014-10-23T13:15:00.003-06:00

Am I too old already? Maybe I'm over it, can't be bothered already at *almost* 30. I kept seeing THOT on the internets, so of course I had to look it up. Did you know that means That Hoe Over There? How very degrading. Attractive women are now sideline furniture. Cute. That table over there sounds about the same to me. I see a lot on the assorted media available about how feminism is over, and its not needed. Everything is status quo, there's no such thing as a Rape Culture. Go back to your televisions. It concerns me deeply when I'm talking to a veteran teacher about a student's bullying problem, and they don't know him by name but by dress, and say "Well if he dresses that way then I'm not surprised he's a target." WHAT?!? In what universe is victim blaming ok? He's a boy in high school that wears makeup and sparkly pants. He's a nice kid, but he can't go to school without threats of physical harm. Why? Because of the way he presents himself. It physically sickens me. "She was dressed like a slut, no wonder she was raped." "He's a fag, no wonder he got his ass kicked." I guess I don't get it. Isn't there supposed to be more tolerance now? Aren't people supposed to be more aware of bullying, and the consequences? From suicide to Columbine, there are a lot of them. How long does it take to climb out from oppression? Wait, never mind.

Strategies

2014-09-26T11:38:00.001-06:00

I'm horrible at strategy games. Ridiculous amounts of horrible. My cousins all wanted to play chinese checkers with me when we were kids because I always lost. A few years ago, a person I was dating tried to teach me chess. I will play games like that for the fun of it, but I go in knowing I'm going to lose. By teach, I mean call me names and make fun of me the entire time and refuse to be useful. So he captures most of my pieces, and laughs at me until I told him I could win in one move.
Jerkface - "There's no way."

Me - "No, seriously. In one move."
Jerkface - "How? I don't believe you."

I upended the board, scattering pieces everywhere while yelling, "Sheblam bitch I win!"

Jerkface - "What the f&*: Cody?!? You can't win like that!"

I sat down calmly in the ruin of gameness. " Yes, I can and did. Weren't you looking?" I replied.

Jerkface was sputtering, " But... but... that's against the rules!"

"Says who?"

"Its in the rulebook! You can't win by just throwing the board!" He was really starting to get angry now.

"Well, I have a book that says woodland creatures live in a medival abby and have adventures. Is that true too? I think you're just mad I thought of it first."

I left him red faced and sputtering.

Bucket List

2014-09-06T18:06:00.001-06:00

Ever since the movie "The Bucket List" came out, I've been hearing people talk about theirs. A bucket list is a list of things you want to accomplish before you die. Maybe its because we are American this idea appeals to us so much. Our jobs and industries, culturally, have no real meaning anymore. We work too long at jobs we hate to buy crap we don't need. A bucket list gives us a sense of purpose, and makes us feel like we've lived life. Me personally, i love lists. So of course, I'm working on mine.

1- Quit smoking

2- Take Tristyn out of the country.

3- Publish a book, even if I'm selling it out of my car.

4- Be fluent in Spanish again.

5- Learn to speak Italian, then go to Italy.

6- Sing on a stage

7- Visit Russia

8- Ride a speedboat thru the canyons in New Zealand

9- Play with a member of the large feline family

This is what i have so far, but I need ideas. For gawd's sake, I'm going off Dr. Dorian in Scrubs. Do you remember that show? Better question- What is on your bucket list? Tell me in the comments!

Off

2014-09-03T13:05:00.001-06:00

Off my schedule, out of my mind. Its the first week of school and now I have to get up at 6:45am, do meal planning, etc. Puke. Sometimes this stuff makes me want to run screaming into the hills.

So, I stayed way too late at my friend Kathys. Ooops. Its been nothing but stress in my house. First week of school, tension with Marcus, scheduling, forgetting to walk the dog then he trashes the house multiple times because he's a bored airedale. Also a douche-dog. Bah! Don't forget the 5,000 other things I'm worried about, like being overweight and needing new glasses. I can't sleep. My internal clock is still on summer, but the child person gets all whiny if you don't feed him. In fact, if the food isn't forthcoming, there's 2 cats, a dog, a cockatiel, & a 7 yr old all yelling at you. Every time I thought I wanted a baby (except once) I've gone out and gotten a furry one. This ends up with lots of fur everywhere, but cheaper than kids. Less work if you keep to cats.

100 Posts!

2014-08-30T16:19:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of our 100 post milestone, I will be revamping the blog! Please let me know in the comments things you like, things you hate, etc. We are getting a serious makeover! Whooo!

And now, onto the regular content: What pisses me off today. Today, I saw a gofundme that reeeeeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy irritated me. These people have 6 Kids together, and one more they pay support on. She is a "freelance" tatoo artist (kitchen tattoo anyone?) And he works. Ish. I guess. I don't know man, but when I hung out with him in my early 20s his Grandma paid his bills. Anyway, I guess they moved into a new house and now the Mom and youngest both have medical bills, which sucks. But they can't pay for all of these things now, so they're elicting money online. Alms, alms for the poor, and you don't even have to leave your house to beg for money now. Nice, right? Now they say that they need the money for medical bills, which i get. But they go on to talk about their new house they have to pay for, and I saw some bitching they'd only raised $150 or so. Granted we have a broken healthcare system, but its fucked up to talk about how you need money for your sick baby (why in Goddess' name do you have 7?!?) and you really need money for your new house and bullshit. Ugh. I'm not going to say poor people shouldn't have kids, or nice things. Its pretty fucking stupid to have your own baseball team when you're poor though. Kids are horrifically costly, both money wise and time wise. Every time you have a child, you play roulette with a multitude of potential issues, even if you have no family history. That ups the cost significantly. I also saw them talking about how they don't qualify for assistance. With that many kids, to not qualify means they are bringing in quite a bit of money. They posted that if everyone on their friends list donated $25, they'd have $3,000+ because they really need it. Yeah, who has an extra $25? And if you do, do you give it away? Me personally, I give to charities, usually involved with animal rescue. In order to receive monetary help from any place I've ever heard of, you have to fill out applications and bring in lots of proof you're poor. Not so with gofundme. So what do you do with spare money?

Flare Town

2014-08-29T13:25:00.000-06:00

Population : Me. I feel good, then an hour later I'm down. I'm folding laundry, Next I'm nauseous. Id say I wish it would pick something, but it usually picks comatose. I feel like I never really get anything done. I'm so tired. I sleep a lot, and still feel tired. Sometimes the only time i feel well enough to function its time for me to go to bed so i can get up and take care of the Mr. Man. I feel bad for not being a better housekeeper, or active parent. I can be boring. Ah, well. I did have a fun moment with Marcus yesterday. We were joking around, and I entered "buttsex" in the search bar on Netflix. This is what happened.

Yes. Magic School Bus is totally what I meant.
In other news, school is starting . Any parent of a special needs child can tell you that can be a special slice of hell. Not only do we have to start in with a new schedule, but new busses, new class helpers, etc. Wheeeeee. So by the time Tristyn the boy gets used to his schedule and new people, its Christmas break.

Fruitcakes

2014-08-08T14:13:00.002-06:00

Jimmy Buffet was right, fruitcakes are everywhere, and where the fuck are THE JUINOR MINTS!?! We need people that care.

My friend Rayne has a rainbow tail. That's right, a fricken rainbow tail. I want one! Also, I really need a pair of those kitty ears that scan your brain and move. With yer BRAIN WAVES. Scifi fans get excited, we are one step closer to fully functioning cyborg costumes that you can run over all of those assholes that talked crap on Star Wars. Ha ha bitches!

On another note, there are some weird people out there. Seriously weird people. Not just your run of the mill, People of Walmart weird, there are some seriously deranged individuals out there.
From the Why-didn't-I-think-of-that insane:
Canary Suicides, the new dust collector
I've been waiting since 1985 for this shit!

To the what-the-hell-did-I-just-see:
Bacon is officially everywhere
I am the rainbow fox!

That's your moment of zen, people.

Nervous Eater

2014-08-08T14:11:00.001-06:00

My dog is an Airedale Terrorist I mean Terrier /Laborador Retriever. This means he absolutely has to be walked. Bare minimum for a well behaved Moose is an hour of walking once a day. Bare minimum for a Moose that doesn't eat loaves of bread and any food he can find on the counter is an hour of walkies once every 3 days. Beyond that he starts eating everything in the house including the child's toys. He can dump a trash can and strew everything in it from hell to breakfast in the time it takes me to smoke a cigarette. Whose fault is it? Mine because I didn't walk him. The 100lb puppy is not a house dog. I'm reasonably sure unless you live in a castle, no 100lb puppy is a house dog.

Speaking of dogs, a lot of the people I see rehoming them really make me want to scream. "Free to good home, German Sheppard. Got too big for the kids." How big did you think a German Sheppard is? Ugh, people.

Blargh

2014-07-29T02:02:00.001-06:00

So we are stilll in full swing puppy season and the amount of stupid people doing stupid shit still astounds me. If you have a mutt or mongrel puppy, no one in their right mind is going to pay $500+ for it. According to the AKC, a mutt is a mix of 2 recognised breeds, and a mongrel is 3+. These guys are available at any shelter or rescue. Yes, your dogs may be cute, but that is a terrible reason to breed. What kinds of genetic issues do these dogs have? Are you mixing 2 different kinds of breeds? Whenever i see an add for mixed puppiez that says "best of both breeds" i really want to scream. These people clearly don't understand genetics. You get a grab bag of traits from both parents. Putting two names together to make it sound cute does not change the fact you're trying to make a quick buck off being too lazy to fix your dog. Blargh.

Did someone drag me behind a horse and i just forgot?

2014-07-24T09:40:00.004-06:00

Ughaghugh. I'm so tired. I'm watching season 4 of RuPaul's Drag Race, and Moose hunting flies. I've drank a pot of coffee, had a hour and a half nap, and still feel like I'm going to die. I just can't survive on 4 hours of sleep anymore. I'm 29 and far too old for this shit.

In other news, we went camping! Whooo! We've got an ADHD 7yr old, ADD 5 yr old, and a 4 yr old. Oh god what did i do? So technically this isn't a real post yet. This is a post to let you know I didn't forget about you, I just ran away from civilization. I almost didn't come back, but I ran out of underpants.

Am i?

2014-07-13T15:00:00.002-06:00

Am I still the same person I was back in the day? You wouldn't recognise me, I wear heels and much less eyeliner. I have responsibilities now, instead of a knife collection. I look at situations now and think if this was 15 years ago I would have just screamed obscenities at you until you left me alone. Instead I have to be nice to you since our kids are in the same class. Its also hard to look in the mirror sometimes. My Grandfather says he looks in the mirror, but some old man is in there staring at him. There's some chick in mine, she looks overweight and tired. What happened to the bright eyes and high cheekbones? And her hair? It just lays there like an old rug now, what happened? There was a time it flowed up and around, like an elegant bouncy drape to frame my face, now it hangs there, like the curtains in a haunted house. Tattered, and in ruins. My face, my body, what is this physical thing that people see? Or worse, my clothes and makeup. Do they see that as me? The baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, worn because regular clothes are so restrictive. Especially with this skinny jean, skinnier shirt trend. I look pregnant on a bad day. Ugh. But a new day dawns. I have hope, and a plan for the future.

Gypsy Cart

2014-07-09T22:50:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning surprised I wasn't in my gypsy cart. I keep having this dream I live in a sheepherder's wagon in the woods. Its so quiet and peaceful, I wish I was there now. Its a million fricken degrees in here, even with 3 air conditioners. I'm meeeelting, meeeeelting.

In other news, I'm going to see a new doctor soon. Wheeee. I was referred to a psychologist when I met my last new doctor, a general practitioner. Apparently its not normal or healthy to hide in your house and be so run down you can't breathe. Huh. Medication was suggested. *Sigh*

3Am

2014-07-09T11:59:00.001-06:00

Three am and my blood is pumpin. Or not. I'm almost asleep. Asleeeeeeeep. I hate rude exbosses. I have one that almost haunts me. Stupid bitch. Ugh she's the worst ever. Whatever. Mean and hateful to me but sweet as pie to my boyfriend.
Now we are in daylight hours, but I'm so full of decongestant that I keep wondering if I'm in the movie Pan's Labyrinth. The universe keeps shifting. I keep seeing things that aren't there, things I know in my head aren't there, but I keep thinking, Am I sure? Why again are they not real? Shadows out of the corner of my eyes keep moving. I am convinced its the cat until I remember they're both outside. I'm fairly sure I'm not stuck in a horror movie because this has been going on for awhile, but one can never be too sure. Either way I'm holed up in my cave of sick just praying for daylight. In my head. Not suicide tho, just something to cut the black on my brain.

Its a fresh one

2014-07-03T18:28:00.001-06:00

A fresh piece of hell that is. I want to will myself into feeling better. I will let you know if that ever pans out.
I've found my dream home, I'm going to build a tiny house on wheels. Now all i have to do is come up with the money for it. And figure out where to build it, and where I'm gonna park it. Also i have to figure out how I'm going to build it with no building experience whatsoever. I'm very blessed, my wonderful friend David has offered to help me and he just graduated college with a degree in building awesomeness, so I'm super excited! Architectural Engineering is what he called it but whatever. Tiny house! My mom laughed at the idea of Moose, my 100+ lb. puppy in a tiny house. According to my calculations however, less house = more yard. More yard = more frolicking space for Mr. Moo. All he does inside is lay under my feet anyway. All i need is a job now.

Tyler I Love You

2014-06-28T17:17:00.003-06:00

I lost my bird. He passed today, I found him on the bottom of his cage, unresponsive. I've had Tyler Birden in my life for 12 years, but I'm not sure how old he was. He wasn't very friendly, he hated people touching him, and only really loved his mirrors. Snoop dogg too. He wasn't my best friend but he liked me as much as he liked humans. He was afraid of hands, so that impeded his relationships with most people. I loved the way he stretched his beak when he whistled, and sat on my shoulder content for hours, then would go back to his cage. He's under the roses now. I wish I knew how old he was. I'm not sure why that bothers me now, but it does a bit. Sweet bird. I miss him. I don't hear the random tapping sound of him headbutting his mirrors. It took Bro-Face several years, but he finally taught my birds to do an incredibly annoying parrot squack. Tyler would do it randomly, and it would scare the crap out of me. Soot (his surviving companion) only does it when he sees Bro-Face.

He was a particular bird, an odd bird, but a sweet pet. Well, we enjoyed each other, anyway. I hope he had a good life. I did what I could to provide that for him. He got birdie time, flying around the house. I played his favorite songs for him, like this one.

I miss him. I can see their cage from where I spend most of my time, the kitchen. I am watching Soot right now run around in the cage, poor guy.

What is he doing?

BAHHH! Birdie eyeball of death!

Paparazzi! Go away!

Seriously? Go. Away.

He was aloof, and not cuddly. Like a Siamese cat, or a bear. Did I mention how he loved Grape Nuts, and mirrors? I keep listening for him. All of these thoughts fly through my head at random intervals since I picked up his lifeless body from the bottom of his cage. I saw him there, and I just reacted. The second my hand wrapped around his beautiful plumage I knew that he was gone. Never, in the entire time I knew him did he ever let anyone ever pick him up. A couple of people tried, and they were very lucky he allowed them to keep their fingers. He was a generous boy.

I love you Tyler Birden, I miss you, and my life will never be the same without you. Green pastures and fair winds my love.

Messages from the land of forgotten thoughts

2014-06-15T14:41:00.000-06:00

I've been looking at some past drafts, and want to share with you some of the weird thoughts that never quite panned out into an actual post.

     Creepy stares and bitey monsters - I'm watching a kind of old movie called Creepshow.

   Wyoming Injustice - In Wyoming, it is an ugly but accepted fact that the police and courts are corrupt and do as they please. January 30, 2012 was a red letter day for justice in Casper as

   Generation Z? - What shall this up and coming generation of kids be called? I remember the pepsi commercials for my mother's generation was called Generation X.

   Peeing In A Cup Sucks - Several states are considering forcing citizens on public assistance to urinate in cups and test them for drugs. I know it is generally referred to as UAs or Urinalysis, but peeing into a cup while a stranger watches you is what happens. This idea seems to be gaining momentum through the conservative ranks, and it scares me. Are poor people thought of as so far below these so-called representatives that the poor aren't allowed to have basic human dignity anymore? Hell, it was like pulling teeth to get some of these candidates to turn in their tax return paperwork, what would they do if they were forced to drug test? I have noticed that not one of the people trying to push this through have offered to have themselves drug tested.

Strange days - I am coming up on my 30th birthday. The big 3-0. Not bad for someone a lot of people thought wouldn't live to see 25. I'm taking a mini vacation today. My madre is out of town so I'm crashing on her couch. My son is with her, so I have a chance to catch up on things, like my life. I'm using this time to take a long, hard look at my life. I rather enjoy my job, so no problem there. I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I need to be. I haven't been sleeping, haven't been staying on my diet. I haven't been exercising either, and have been informed by the doc I've gained 20 lbs. in the last 3 months. WHAT!?! I'm about 15 lbs heavier now than I was the day before I delivered my son. Clearly this needs to change. I wish there

Medical Issues TMI - So, I'm pretty sure I have Psoriasis.

No Priest Needed - The house is veeeeeery close to done! Thanks to the insane efforts of my Mumsey and Popa Bear! Yay! I am so excited, I can't wait to move into it!

SOundbites and podcasts - Soooo, I don't watch regular TV. I have been getting into podcasts lately, and here are some of my favorites and awful awful wastes of time. Podcasts are audio or video recordings much like TV shows. In fact, some of them are. I download and watch mine on Itunes for free.

Annie's Bits - Short, hilarious, American news show. Awesome!

Fun Stuff! -
Roseanne Barr for President! http://www.roseanneworld.com/blog/2012/08/rnc-vs-dnc-will-medical-marijuana-decide-the-election-2/

Bad bugs in my head - I woke up

Gut ache - Ugh. I've felt like a distillery for days

I trusted you - I trusted you and you betrayed me. I believed your words. I took them into my heart where they dug their hooks in. Internal bleeding where thoughts should be. When your words broke apart it tore my heart to pieces. Bloody chunks of my life lay at my feet while my chest gapes before you. I lost my life that day. I scramble to pick up the pieces of my heart, and my head falls off. I'm left in a pool of my own blood hearing "I'm sorry." Sorry doesn't heal.

Weird stuff. Have you ever started a book/journal entry/scrap of paper, then didn't go anywhere with it? What did it say?

Ah! My health!

2014-06-08T11:03:00.000-06:00

So I'm starving, and have been for days. Weeks. I'm stressed, and I am a terrible depression/stress binge eater. I found out I've gained 30 lbs in the last year, 20 of that in the last 3 months. My relationship is going less than no where fast, and I've been too sick to work. I haven't even wanted to leave my house. Lack of nutrition will cause you to feel starved, even if you're pounding food. I have to stop trying to survive on saltine crackers and ramen, and fattening fried or super processed foods when I feel good, sending me back into pukeytown. I'm making my low fat potato soup right now. I just throw diced potatoes, diced carrots and diced onions into chicken broth, simmer for a half hour. (People with normal digestion, feel free to add celery here.) Then I chop some mushrooms, add some chicken base, throw them in with some 2% milk, and simmer another half an hour. Bam! Done. Its been a long day so I added water and made it kinda thin. I always have to keep an eye on the budget of a meal, and easy availability. I absolutely hate it when you see something that looks super yummy and I can't read/don't recognize half of the ingredients. Elaborate things like that are fine if you have a professional kitchen and live in a big city, I live in a very rural area. Escargot is a hard to find item here, ok? Also, I have a simple kitchen, so you can put away your chestnut roasting pans. Actually, on the subject of equipment, I would suggest getting a cast iron dutch oven and skillet. They will last longer than you will if taken care of properly, and you can use them for anything pretty much, from cakes to soups. But I digress.

Aunt Cody's Gastro Diet

Number One Rule For Dieting - DO NOT change everything you eat overnight. Start with baby-steps, or you will crash and burn. Always follow a doctor's advice, and following any diagnosis make ABSOLUTELY SURE you talk to a professional about the diet you need. Follow their advice. Seriously, when they say something will make you sick, they aren't kidding. My doc told me to stay away from bacon, and I ate it anyway because bacon is my super double fave. I died for three days. Don't make my mistakes.
Make sure you take time to eat at least 3 meals and 2 snacks per day, you will burn fat faster.

Keep track of your water, you need at least 8 glasses.

Slow down on the dairy, get the lowest fat version available. If you're cooking with it, the difference is harder to taste.

Make sure the food you do eat is actually food. The closer to raw food, like an apple with cheese slices vs apple with store bought caramel sauce. Can you read the ingredients of the sauce? Hmmmm. Corporations put ingredients in food like natural flavorings which is actually secretions from a North American Beaver's butt. so you're always better off with real food.

Pair guilty pleasures with twice as much healthy stuff. You get the taste you crave, plus you have taken the guilty out of your pleasure by eating healthy at the same time. Crave cheese, ham, bacon, eggs, and turkey? Cobb Salad anyone? Just use a huge amount of healthy greens, like spinach and kale, and low fat dressing, you're eating healthy! WITH BACON! Well, healthier anyway. Baby steps, remember?

Pick an exercise, and do it for at least 15 minutes a day. It can be anything as long as you are up and moving. Pick your favorite 4 dance songs, and get down with your bad self. Seriously, its that easy.

If you have a cell phone, set alarms for everything you need to get done. The water, when you need to eat, your workout, all of it. Do it now before you talk yourself into staying exactly where you are. Make sure you set them to repeat, or you will forget. Don't lie to yourself, you know you will. Did you think I was kidding? Seriously, take your phone out right now. I'll wait. *hums Jeopardy theme* K, done? Good.

Get enough sleep. Take naps if you can. Schedule yourself enough sleep.

Take care of your skin, its your biggest organ and your first defense against the world.

Make sure you get some sun every day, it provides vitamin D and helps your body absorb calcium.

Juicing is a great way to get your fresh veg in. If you have regular digestion, fresh veggies are better for you, because normal people need the insoluble fiber to clean out their bellies. Gut scrapers are your friend. If you're like me, throw an apple, a carrot, some pineapple, and a beet or 2 in the juicer and enjoy. Good stuff, that. There are those that hate the idea of eating fresh veggies, or don't enjoy doing it. Juicing is a good way to introduce yourself to the flavors. If you eat the regular American diet, at first your taste buds will be confuzzled by these new foods, and their lack of sodium and fats. I personally dreaded it at first. Then after experimenting and getting used to the different tastes and textures, I came to crave it.

Slow change is good change. If you drop a lot of weight quickly, you will most likely gain it back. Plus your skin can't keep up and it gets all gross saggy. Eww.

If you're a phone junkie like me, apps really help. I use MyFitnessPal. With Gastroparesis it is really important to keep a food diary.

Don't feel like you have to be perfect. A donut will not ruin your life. A dozen donuts are a terrible idea though, so exercise moderation. A donut and a tasty and healthy fruit smoothie, after staying with the diet? Good do. I can do one treat like that once every 2 weeks or so with minimal backlash.

Drink tea instead of soda or coffee. There are literally thousands of varieties easily available over the internet if you are in a super rural area. Check your local grocery store, or if you have a hippie store ask them. They will be able to point you in the right direction. If you have any specific health needs, there are many teas to help you. These are some of my personal favorites.

And that is the basic rundown of what I need to do. Let me know if any of this has helped you!