Cookies and Cream

I don't love you

2011-05-18T01:50:00.002-04:00

Can I love?
What is love?
God is love, right?
I guess that means I never loved you,
but merely served as an off-ramp
to God's interstate of love.
Still I miss being used,
to serve a greater purpose.
Maybe someday, when I am prepared,
I can have a transplant
of God's tree.
Just a single root.
It can grow and spread
replacing my veins,
my heart thrusting compliments
and caresses instead of
platelets and plasma.
Maybe someday, when I can feel,
I will want to feel you.

Loving you more isn't the solution to debauchery

2011-01-20T08:51:00.003-05:00

A friend once told me,
No matter what choices you make in life
there will be a woman for that you.
Relief surged through my veins
For the immediate, my conscience was on break.
As is typical, ramifications were out of sight,
until I met the pivot point who caused reevaluation.

Her goodness was something I had once tasted,
nay feasted upon.
Looking at her was akin to glimpsing paradise,
an oasis I wandered through once upon.
Her value lay not in her own, but
based the foundation of her existence.
The adventurer was all that I was,

what of two bees, drunken creatures of lavish hedonism fully given over to their deprived ways?

Comfort curls (breathe) calmingly,, capturing carelessly,,,
My bastille is barren: i defend my heart's coffers with quiescence
you make me want to be beautiful, for Me.
You are my friend, rather, The friend.
The familiar weaves bliss into my being.
We tread the path of present accorded
Indulging together and aligning our stars manually...

The two stars, of the east and west, shone on me
for One fleeting moment both lie directly above,
each having laid anchor to my soul.
Either promises the pain of not being the other,
Resulting in ubiquitous regret.

As I bask in the celestial rays, my body is
Consumed
by the specs
turned stains
turned mess
turned worthless
turned complete trash.
Both paths demand cleaning,
the doldrums have set in and
seduce their way out of destruction.
I feel as if the earth beneath me is turning,
separating me from all but the filth.

Will I forever drink from the flowers
that cause me to fall slowly downward,
or finally break free and escape.

2011-01-08T04:25:00.002-05:00

Like a dull sweet acid you burn inside me
They struggling in quicksand pulls you deeper
But it really doesn't make any difference
I will slowly be pulled under,
submerged and awoken on the other side,
the side where you can't be.
being wrong feels so right,
until you're being left.
All i want is to be perfect just for you,
but the corrosion ate through that chance.

Procrastination

2010-09-23T08:02:00.002-04:00

So I was just thinking about becoming a serial killer. Now I wasn't necessarily contemplating victims or anything, but if you're reading this you definitely made the list. So I have a real problem with procrastinating. It is a bit more far reaching than just putting stuff off, sort of like involuntary procrastination. Like my brain fears it is sinking and tosses mental to-do lists off like extra weight. So I was just think how I would be all excited about killing my first victim, but after that I would just completely forget to go after the next guy. I was also a bit concerned about being super elaborate, like carving the mythological creature that comes to mind when combining the victim and some significant event from my childhood in to their skulls, but then get super lazy and rationalize a cloud being a creature. So my other thought is that I would be so difficult to catch, because I would be flawless when interviewed, possibly influenced by completely forgetting I had ever even committed the crimes. But yeah, if I ever became a serial killer, I would definitely dress up like lady gaga and sing a different one of her songs every time I killed. Somehow I feel like she would be flattered.

Dead Inside

2010-05-20T04:42:00.003-04:00

If I prune anymore branches from inside, I don't think anything will be left
But who knows, maybe they will grow back into something a little less bereft

Gasping is for Pussys

2010-04-28T02:07:00.000-04:00

I could actually feel the heat leaving my body

It was spiraling away into the night sky

All of my love and emotion left to weave between stars

The blades of grass softly caress my body

their touch embodying the emptiness of their stalks

My eyes stare into the moon's countenance

Searching for depth amongst the voided craters

The only soul barely cohesive surrounded by thick nothingness

A single tear escapes the iron clad lids

A tear that rolls down the hills of bone to free fall into peace

Deprivation of the soul

2010-04-24T07:20:00.000-04:00

The only sounds he could hear came from his own footsteps

His mind bucked like a horse whose master lost the reigns

He strove to control the grains of life that slipped from his grasp

He knew he would never stop until that warm light was inside him again

His breath shuddered as he walked away feeling fulfilled

Yet with every step vapors of contentment were left behind

Leaving a revealed tortured child rocking in a corner

Each step whispered the pain inside

The truth apparent with successive exhales

that blended into the cloud of self hatred that would never leave him

My midnight fantasy

2010-04-23T06:01:00.000-04:00

You will never understand the reason my eyebrow raises when you speak

I have longed forever that you would notice the signs

Maybe I should have notice their subtlety eludes even myself

You have nothing I desire but being near you I can't breathe

I no longer love you, sometimes I wonder if I ever did

You are simply the ghost the slips into my mind at 4 in the morning

I am content with you being my best friend for a few hours a month

Except when I read you and my heart reaches out of my chest to find you

Deep penetration :)

2010-04-23T05:16:00.000-04:00

So everything in my life has seemed to be an extreme. Something happens and it is the best possible outcome or the worst. For example, a month ago my stomach feels upset and before I know it I am under the knife. I apply for RA and make it through everything to be hired. I just feel like I could really stand for some neutrality. If life were to kinda just happen for a week or two and not really make a blip on the radar I think I could refresh and prepare for the shit storm. For one of the first times in my life I am extremely excited for summer. I have made several friends up here and everything, but I still feel closer to anyone else from memphis. Sometimes I wonder if the relationships I have made with people in memphis are unique and would nor could happen with anyone else. Have we simply clicked on a deeper level where we can do anything and know the other will not give a shit how ridiculous it is. I miss being able to run up to someone and jump into their arms, not having to care about perceptions. Even stone cold Takari accepts my hugs with only a roll of his eyes. Everyone always says that your deepest friendships are made in college, but I am struggling to find many that would be able to open with me like I desire to do with them. While this is all true, I still feel remotely close to people here. I have lived with them for a year and all. Sometimes I wish everyone I knew went to school together and I had twenty roommates who all slept on top of each other, drank themselves to sleep, and woke up with the same smile inside for the day to come.

If only you could have waited two more minutes

2010-04-13T23:43:00.000-04:00

My dead car would have made it on time

My slow feet would have pounded the ground hard enough

My gas pedal would have pushed down that far

My key would have unlocked your door with just enough tries

My hands would have dialed the phone number with the right speed

My brain would have known the correct number of breaths

My mouth would have told them all they needed to know

My wrists would have another color splashed

How many must die?

2010-04-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

I tried to become the paint on the wall that night

To simply fade into the background and go unnoticed

I had tried to make it all happen that night

To open myself, unprotected, to show you myself

I never wanted it to happen as it did that night

To make us wait, shaking, under the next full moon

I wanted to salvage life under the moon that night

To put pieces together and protect the unforeseen

I tried to be a hero for two that night

To stop what you wanted and shine for both

I lost the battle and the war that night

To save three souls that were lost among the stars

I think I would have been better as an ecru eggshell

Noxious Compromise

2010-03-30T05:24:00.000-04:00

You promise to drain the pressure from the swelling

Enticing with such flagrant beauty and fragrant bouquet

I can stay in love with my sorrow with your veil

The emptiness will never be shown through the rush

The flooding of sensory exposure makes everything good

I don't even want to let it go when it feels so right

Stumbling in a maze of fog with rose colored glasses

You make the crumbling foundation of my life blissful

Nothing is worse than not feeling a thing

When the sun goes down and I wake up and your not around

It feels like you were never here, merely a shadow

All happiness seems hollow and heavy rain is falling

The sun only comes out to welcome the next disaster

If only I ever realized the disaster presence

But I simply sit in the corner tasting the wisps provided

With the penultimate calamity no end is in sight

But in the eleventh hour the horror is revealed

The rot has set in and salvation is merely a good intention

Masque of the Silent Death

2010-03-24T09:06:00.000-04:00

Stares cannot pierce the iron-clad facade she is all-too-experienced at producing
She is drowning inside and the gasps heard are smiles and waves
Her lungs fill with sewage and the scent is of shampoo
She is being repeated thrust under just after resurfacing and all seen is reading
She won't survive much longer even though from the look of things, her future is bright
It simply is not bright enough to shine through the darkness of the present
Can anybody see that she is a casualty of your system
The problem is no one ever really did see her.

Shades of prostitution

2010-03-10T02:49:00.000-05:00

You can do nothing but open your legs

I stare into your eyes, searching the depths

The more I look, the less I see

All that exists is an emptiness

You try and rub it out but it is ingrained in

That sweet smell only lures them in

They stay because of the prompt service

You feel so much pain and won't stop it

I want to hold you until it stops

I am afraid that I do not have that much time

Creek

2010-02-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

The sun glints in the ripples of the water
I let my feet hang in and the fish nibble on my toes
The breeze weaves itself into my hair
The sunlight seeps into my skin like a solar ointment
I stare into the depths of the river
Seeing the tendrils of flora wave against mossy boulders
The verdant frogs stroking through their mighty waves
Two fish circling each other in a loving fashion
This is my home, my sanctuary
Where the sun caresses me awake every morning
and the stars tuck me into dark skies every night

A Lost World

2010-02-23T06:41:00.000-05:00

A vast land with endless possibilities surrounded by evil tyrants

We had a love that could never be severed

But the tyrants decided to prove us wrong

True, you were never perfect, you had your problems

But you were mine, your imperfection and problems were my relish

I could spend endless days with nothing but you and our tribes

Battling against outside invaders

The tyrants were simply too much, threatening my food and water

Our bond was one that could be severed by none but death

Grievously, the tyrants had my life in their grasp

Based solely on your tumultuous history, condemning you

I never wanted another but had no choice when you were banished

When you came around I got such a high

I had no choice but to go into withdrawal from your essence

You hated the pills you had to take but you were my pill

I loved every minute of treatment

With one simple leap I was at your fort

I had arrived at the place you existed

The place that I could never be

Where the tyrants deemed beneath

Years after you were banished I still think of you

You and your spirit and your needs

If only we were older, if only it were a different time and place

If only I could find and shoot that damn woodpecker to make this reality

Then we could rule our forgotten kingdom

Together, as one, never apart

But the woodpecker is fictitious

Our reunion is impossible

Together, forever, is quixotic

Even if we were to see each other

You would never remember our ideals

You wouldn't care of the battles we fought

The dangers we survived

The difficulties we surmounted

You have probably gone and found another

I will never be able to fully find replacement

You may not continue in the forefront of my conscious

But you will never leave my entity

In my mind we will still always love each other

If I ever saw you again I may not say anything

I could not go acknowledge your presence

But if you ever came to me again

I would take you in my arms

We would again go to our castle

We could rule and love

But that flash we end as soon as the second did

Because you never would see me

But I will still escape to our land every now and then

And I will lie next to you and hold you under the stars

I know that we could be so amazing

2010-02-20T09:24:00.000-05:00

Do you realize I was born to make you happy?

Ignoring hand-me-down cliches, I should belong to you

I know your soul and have felt it against my own

I am simply too close for you to notice me

Our banter is not argumentation, it is chemistry

My feelings would take you to the edge of belief

Anytime I try to be cute I feel you see immaturity

Anytime I try to be desirable, you see douchebaggery

Will it ever happen or should I give up?

Everything would just be simpler if you initiated the reaction

Have I already missed the train or should I plunge?

Just please don't call me Brett Favre

2010-02-18T12:13:00.000-05:00

I had given up completely
Love was not something I would ever be able to attain
One night stands with introductions pushes the envelope
Call me jaded, call me faithless, my heart just wasn't made for trauma
Now after just one braze from your glance has me gasping
It is all I can do not to grab a fistful of your hair and inhale it
Are you just hurting to be thrown against the wall in fervor?
Now I am begging just to be brushed by your shoulder
All I ask it that it not be your turn to not know my name

Another word and I'm gone

2010-02-18T11:59:00.000-05:00

I'm just so sick of your bullshit
The gaping hole in my back simply will not do
The only reason I am even here is to update you
Just sit down in that grave you dug
All those days I thought I couldn't live without you
I now realize that you were just using me as leverage
You wanted to cookie jar and I sure am tall
Don't think you got to me, I was fully aware
You could have had it all
Now if you would just leave me alone

Since you dared

2010-02-18T11:54:00.000-05:00

You really should not have done that
Now I have no other choice
I am going to rain on your parade
I'm not talking about drops
Get ready for the deluge
And I will keep the revenge precipitating
Run as you might
My cloud will find you
You really should not have done that

Hungover

2010-02-05T08:08:00.001-05:00

I feel like not moving every again. Just keep this shuffling soundtrack and dark surroundings for a long while. Sometimes Im convinced the tentacles come out of the ground and mentally keep me from doing things. What the hell is wrong with me. Normal people arent so easily led astray into nothingness. I need someone to follow behind me and slap me awake sometimes. All times really. I hope I am able to escape from life tonight. Just for the evening. Maybe not even remember what happens. Just let the night slip away and go straight from dinner to the next morning. I am so glad I don't get hangovers. Or at least not from the alcohol.

Old Enough

2010-01-10T03:28:00.000-05:00

The mask.

She put it on every time.

The yelling would begin and things would start breaking.

These were the moments he wished he were dead.

He would peer around the corner, to see that face.

The real suffering instantly covered with it.

"It is ok, honey, I just tripped."

But I knew his mother was too careful for that.

Lying in bed, sinking into the sheets.

He clutched to me, begging me to make it stop.

I pray, embodying all that remains of his innocence.

He hears the thud and anguished cry.

His eyes are squeezed shut, but I look over.

She is over him heaving sob after bloody sob.

"You did this, you did this"

The whispers were lost in the wind.

I still sit in the corner, next to the sardonic smirks

hearing he is till not old enough to live.

hardy vapor

2009-12-08T21:15:00.000-05:00

"Am I that unimportant, am I so insignificant?"
The cottage is not seen on the city skyline.
Does it belong amongst such titans?
Fierce competition swirls among facades
Elusive luxury is displayed forefront
yet does not bleed in the rain
can the cottage remain at all
or does the zoning committee have other plans in mind
no it can't compete with fantasy
but it does stand when the sun goes down

Collapsed in the Shower

2009-10-21T08:28:00.000-04:00

"Work for me 'today', please?"

Endless requests do not fix deep rooted problems

I only have time for a first and maybe second try

Running on the second try no time to turn back

Though it has started out all wrong it is all I have

Simply wishing it to be better just doesn't cut it anymore

Ignorance may be bliss but it isn't practical.

Where would you wake up

2009-10-13T05:31:00.000-04:00

Stirring underneath the sheets, waking up

Underneath. the

bridge during the winter months

so far in the past the world

wasn't quite formed, yet nor am I

so fond of the warmth, or the cold,

satisfies the only thing that matters:

is that when I wake up I'm in your

eyes.