Large Popcorn, No Butter

Widows: Not What It Appears

2018-11-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Steve McQueen's Widows was not the low-budget dumb heist movie that I thought it was going to be. From the trailers, I thought I was going to see something along the lines of other 2018 female empowerment flops like Proud Mary or Peppermint.

Widows, however, is an extremely intelligent and purpose-driven movie that weaves multiple plot lines into an intricate cat's cradle that finally comes together at the end.

So what's our plot?

At the beginning of the movie, we're introduced to four men in a getaway van, intercut with shots of them interacting with their wives. Within the first five minutes, all four men are dead after the heist goes sour, and the women are left to fend for themselves.

I'm going to interrupt myself right here. Because at this point, within the first 20 minutes of the movie is where it veers away from the usual. I mean, traditionally, this is where a bad movie would have these women saying "I'm mad my husband's dead and I want revenge" and then a rag-tag group of tough girls comes together and becomes besties out of nowhere and kick a bunch of guys in the balls while saying something clever or something. But that's not what happens here.

"Just to be clear, we're not here to kick guys in the balls."

Surprisingly, it veers off in another direction entirely. We're introduced to two characters, the Manning brothers, one of whom is running for office and the other who is a vicious psychopath ensuring his victory. We're also introduced to a ton of other characters, but the main plot line here is that Veronica (Viola Davis), wife of the head thief (played by Liam Neeson, by the way), owes the Manning brothers the money that was lost in the failed heist. Bringing the other widows together and going off of her late husband's heist plan book, they try to figure out if they can pull off stealing $5 million to settle their debts and live the lives their husbands ruined.

Other plot lines include Manning's political opponent (Colin Farrell) and the idea of political dynasties, Jamette Manning (Daniel Kaluuya) being a psychopath, the lives of all the women, and a couple other things.

Good things: the movie is super interesting in the way it approaches the subject matter. I've had more than one rant about how lazy feminist cinema translates poorly in the theater (I'm looking at you Ghostbusters and Ocean's 8), but this is done with a ton of consideration. It doesn't really state that the women are particularly smart or special--they end up getting shit done because they see no other choice. In going this route, it's really a spectacular example of women's resilience and resourcefulness. Each widow is tasked with doing something that she doesn't know how to do and she figures out a way to get it done. That's cooler than kicking guys in the balls, I'm sorry.

Bad bitches, suuuuuppp

On that note, this movie takes almost no time to talk about any of the thieves besides Liam Neeson, which is interesting. It takes care not to be a revenge film, and in fact none of the widows really seem that wild about their deceased husbands anyway. One gambles away all their money, one hits his wife, one doesn't seem very attentive -- these are not men that our heroines need, and actually the reason all of them get into the heist is so that they can right the wrongs that their dead husbands dumped on them.

The movie's ending was a pleasant surprised too -- and not in the usual "I NEVER SAW THAT COMING" kind of way, but more of a "Ooooooh, that makes sense... Cool!" kind of way.

And now for the critiques: the movie drags a bit before it finds its feet. I've got to say, I found the first half to be a little disorienting. McQueen is an artist and the movie almost reads like a graphic novel in the beginning, full of little vignettes that explain actions and characters by showing pieces of their days. But frankly, for a heist movie (typically built on withholding details), all of these little vignettes can get a bit overwhelming.

Was I supposed to remember that? Is that significant?

Who's that person? Do we need to know them??

Though the pay-off at the end makes everything come together neatly in an intricate braid, getting there definitely takes some patience.

7 outa 10. I love McQueen's cinematography and how he transcends the heist genre to make a female-driven movie that's really interesting. Though it might be a little slow for some, and definitely not the film it appears from its trailer!

Ocean's 8: The Problem with All-Female Casts

2018-06-19T21:56:00.001-07:00

HA! Roped you in, didn't I? I bet you were all like "OMG SHE HATES FEMALE CASTS! FAKE NEWS! CLICK BAIT!" Well, I suppose you were sort of right about that last one...but I digress (as usual).

Let me be first to say I am 100% in favor of women-centered movies and casts. Look at masterpieces like Clueless, Bridesmaids, and Girl's Trip. Women's movies don't have to be all kumbaya to be relatable. They can be hilarious, they can be cool, they can be dramatic -- they can be all the things that every other kind of movie can be. But you know what they can't be? Inauthentic.

If you had to give me one word to describe a lot of the recent attempts at all-female cast movies it would be that word: inauthentic.

Honestly, I haven't seen a movie as bad as Ocean's 8 in a really long time. And I'm the girl who sat through Oliver Stone's 1981 horror The Hand (yes, that was terrible too, but far more entertaining).

Michael Caine plays a cartoonist haunted by his amputated, murderous hand.

Yes, this is the same director that did Wall Street.

To be fair, female relationships are really hard to capture on film in general. Women are weird. We're raised in a society that praises us for being pretty, teaches us to be suspicious of other women, and has a history of pitting us against each other. Manipulation has a tendency to run rampant in inauthentic female friendships. If you don't trust a girl, you can be nice to her face but you won't be her friend -- and most girls can almost always tell the different between being nice and being friends. Maybe that's why girl friendships are so damn special -- and why movies that are supposed to be about us always end up being so fucking shitty.

Ocean's 8 makes a lot of mistakes with its...well, existence, if I'm being frank.

First of all, there's no reason to add to the Ocean saga, so like let's not.

ALSO HOW COULD YOU KILL DANNY??

(I bet he died in a really cool way though...

like Thelma and Louise style with Brad Pitt...)

Second of all, it seems blatantly obvious that they made Ocean's 11, took out like 95% of the emotion driving the heist, made the guys into girls, and tried to swap "cool" for "glam." Or something.

Whatever kind of cool they try to make these women, though...it does not play. Guys may earn the respect of other guys by being cool, but I can't think of many girls I know who respond to "cool." Girls respond to respect. Think about what works so well in Bridesmaids: they attack the pettiness factor dead-on, they're honest about it, and in the end everyone ends up being friends because they respect each other.

Ocean's 8, Ghostbusters, and many other attempts at these female-driven, nonsensical reincarnations completely disregard depth for the chance to "change it up." The plot becomes irrelevant because the fans of the prior version are going to drive to the theater anyway. And the egregious error in disregarding characters and storyline in these movies is that they become painfully boring. I really don't give a shit whose jewels they are -- none of these characters have me believing that they're real because they put out zero emotion for the entire duration of the film. Oh they stole them? Oh cool, I have more emotional involvement in the fact that I ran out of popcorn.

Ya, it's prob made out of fucking rock candy, who cares.

While Bullock emulates Clooney as best as she can, the context doesn't work. Being betrayed by a former lover that she doesn't even really seem to have liked that much anyway doesn't give us a lot of emotional investment. Worse, it turns her heist into a classic "woman scorned" trope that seriously does no one any favors. And we don't even really get the impression that she's smart -- she had been pulling off a handful of deals at a community bingo over in Jersey, we learn at one point. Seriously? What is this, amateur hour? She goes from knocking over bingo to stealing jewelry at the MET GALA? I don't buy it.

Actually, I kind of had a hard time believing that any of these women were smart. Instead of getting insights into their backgrounds and them being people that the two mains know already, each basically gets accepted into the fold regardless. We don't learn hardly anything about them.

This lack of any investment in the outcome completely disintegrates what makes heist movies so fun. In Ocean's 11, the ending is a "WOAH" moment. In Ocean's 8, the ending is an "Oh." moment.

3 outa 10. Seriously, so disappointed by this film, even though I didn't really have high hopes. But not even entertaining in a stupid kind of way. Just mundane. Hollywood needs to do better for these ladies.

Thoughts on Three Billboards

2018-02-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing about Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri ever since it came out, and a lot of it didn't appeal to me. It was one I knew I wanted to see, but I didn't think I would enjoy. And honestly, there are a lot of films like that. There are a lot of stories that speak to higher truths that aren't made to delight you. But they make you think. And that's exactly what Three Billboards does.

The main plot follows Mildred Hayes (Frances McDormand) a grieving, enraged mother who starts to up the ante in solving her daughter's rape and murder by publicly calling out the local police for incompetence. Obviously, the police aren't thrilled with this, namely Chief Willoughby (Woody Harrelson) Officer Dixon (Sam Rockwell). And things sort of escalate from there.

It's hard to go into the rest of the film without going into spoilers, so if you want to see it with fresh eyes, stop reading here.

From all I'd heard about the backlash about the film, I had expected it to be a bit more obvious in carrying a message that perpetuates "otherness." But after seeing it, I really need to disagree with the argument that the film makes a deliberate attempt to redeem anyone by its conclusion.

In fact, I'd argue that the entire point of the film is that people are, by nature, flawed and incapable of being either wholly good or bad.

The movie makes no excuses for any of its characters, and it hardly condones the behavior of them. Mildred assaults several people throughout the movie, either in her own defense, or to bring attention to something she finds unjust. But this mentality of rogue vigilanteism goes in several directions. She is nearly arrested for drilling through a dentist's thumb, her son has to deal with her assaulting his schoolmates, she has to deal with the guilt of burning Officer Dixon's face.

Same with Chief Willoughby. He tries and fails to solve the case of Mildred's daughter. He spends a whole glorious day with his family, only to violently end his life and leave his wife and kids behind. Does this make him a good person or a bad person?

And the same with Officer Dixon. After projecting his own inadequacies through anger, he's confronted with the consequences of his own actions. After throwing a harmless kid out of the window, he's forced to see and experience what he's done, sharing a hospital room with him. And he even experiences a bit of an epiphany after he's shown kindness from him, in spite of how hard he beat him up. Despite this, Dixon still drives off to kill who they've defined as the suspect at the end of the film.

I find it hard to believe that this is a story of redemption. I really read it as a story of grief and justice, and circumstance and consequence. So much of what we do is privy to circumstance rather than justice, regardless of intention. Angela Hayes' murder is despicable but, as we learn, sometimes there isn't enough evidence to pull a suspect. And revenge is a powerful motivator but, as we learn, is not always an effective course of action beyond catharsis.

I think, at its core, Three Billboards highlights the duality in everyone. That being a good or bad person is in the eye of the beholder, that actions have consequences, and that we all just need to try.

8 outa 10. Extremely thought-provoking and stellar acting by the entire cast.

My Fave Movies of 2017

2018-01-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

Ah, 2017. To be perfectly honest, most of the things that I watched last year involved old ladies (my beloved Golden Girls, and Grace and Frankie) or murder (whaddup Columbo and Poirot).

However, I did manage to make it out to the theater a few times and I liked a lot of what I chose to see. Colorful kids' movies, smart action movies, heartfelt indie dramas, and some seriously impressive horror.

That being said, here are some of my favorites of 2017, in no particular order.

Coco

Oh. My. God. Bless. This movie didn't get nearly the amount of attention it deserved. When little Miguel is forbidden to play music by his family, he takes matters into his own hands and accidentally ends up in the land of the dead. Seeking the approval of his ancestors, Miguel embarks on a journey to find his grandfather and win his blessing to pursue music. Far from scary (for those leery of a Corpse Bride, Burton-y feel), the movie is warm, bright, and colorful, with a heartfelt message and an incredibly overdue cultural perspective. Go for the songs, stay for the animation.

Lady Bird

Greta Gerwig's directorial debut Lady Bird is so relatable it almost hurts your heart. Young Lady Bird (nee Christine) is a senior in high school navigating her relationship with her mom, her dad, boys, and her best friend, and trying to decide where to go with her life. The beauty of it is its simplicity in finding humor in the normal. Lady Bird is a slightly overdramatic, hugely empathetic character who thinks she has it all figured out, only to realize time and time again that she doesn't. Saoirse Ronin and Laurie Metcalf are captivating as Lady Bird and her mother, respectively -- spending equal screen time pissing each other off and wordlessly falling into unconditional mother-daughter love when they need each other. Ugh. Worth the hype. Achingly nostalgic for anyone who was a teenager in 2003.

The Shape of Water

Another visually stunning feat from Guillermo del Toro. As always, the plot is a little unorthodox: it's the 1960s and a mute cleaning lady has fallen in love with a reptilian man from the science lab where she works. Resolving to rescue him from the hands of her evil boss, she implicates herself in a scheme that could mean the death of both her and the creature. Characters with heart and an unusual plot steer the narrative, but it's the cinematography and the coloring of each scene that really make it worthwhile.

I Don't Feel At Home in This World Anymore.

This is such a cathartic film to watch for anyone at their wit's end with shitty people. Ruth is an ordinary woman trying to live her life. She lives in an unimpressive neighborhood, and doesn't have many friends. When her house gets robbed, that's the last straw. Enlisting the help of her neighbor, she tracks down the thieves, and ends up getting mixed up with some seriously bad people. The ending absolutely makes this.

Baby Driver

Baby is a professional driver who listens to music to drive with laser-like focus. Who's he driving? Bank robbers. When things start to go south, Baby has to assess how far he's willing to go for his life of crime--or figure out how the hell he can drive out of it. You HAVE to see this for the TUNES. Barring musicals, I feel like it's hard to find a movie that so gracefully integrates music into plot. And they don't even have to break the fourth wall!??! The synchronization of the music with the action sequences is...immaculate. Highly recommend.

Thor: Ragnarok

I've gotta say, I've loved Taika Waititi since his hilarious vampire reality What We Do in the Shadows, and that sense of humor is even more present in Thor: Ragnarok. Creating a surprisingly graceful bridge between the more serious Avenger movies and the more playful Guardians of the Galaxy series, Ragnarok is one of the movies that I recommended the most this year just because it's so much fun. Balancing a very current sense of comedic timing with a touch of 80s nostalgia (LOVE that synth music!), it's a bright, fantastical romp. It was nice to see a movie that can be funny without being dumb. (Side note: Cait Blanchett as the villain. Yas.)

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I haven't wasted time seeing why the nerds didn't like this, and I don't really care -- more movies should be as fun, thoughtful, and entertaining as Star Wars: The Last Jedi. For the people knee-deep in cannon, or for those expecting something more like the originals, I'm sure that there were a lot of things that didn't line up. But as someone who appreciates the Star Wars movies as fun, sci-fi trips, The Last Jedi provides a much-needed escape from reality, and a super satisfying peek into the upcoming capabilities of our two main characters. Party on, Luke.

Wonder Woman

I'm not usually a big super hero movie junkie, but I really enjoyed Wonder Woman. For a studio film, I was pleasantly surprised at how much of the movie stepped out of the usual formula. Or maybe it was just amazing to see a self-empowered, confident woman on screen kicking some major ass. Either way, I loved it.

The Big Sick

Just when you thought romcoms were dead, this movie comes out. Kumail is a standup comedian and first-generation Pakistani American who is dating a white girl. As things between he and his girlfriend get more serious, things reach a breaking point when she learns that he has no intention of introducing her to his strict, Pakistani parents. Things reach even more of a breaking point when she goes into a coma and he is the sole person available to take care of her -- until her parents show up. His point of view as a conflicted son and boyfriend is very plainly aired with a crisp sense of humor that's smart and understanding at the same time.

Get Out

And on the more sinister side of interracial dating, the groundbreaking Get Out. Damn. Chris is a black man going to visit his white girlfriend's parents at their country home. But when he arrives, he gets more than he bargained for -- the servants act strange, the parents throw a mysterious party, and Chris can't seem to get out of there. Smart, biting, terrifying, innovative, and pulpy. Jordan Peele's directorial debut finds an incredibly unique perspective to talk about race relations in America. Think Django: Unchained meets The Twilight Zone. Everyone should see this movie.

It

Oh man, do I loooooove me some Stephen King. The kids of Derry, Maine keep going missing and no one knows why. When a particular group of "losers" starts seeing their worst, most terrifying nightmares play out in broad daylight, the experience draws them together and they decide to confront the monster at the root of all their fears. I was pleasantly surprised at how character-driven the final product ends up being -- something that the original mini-series lacks. This version, too, goes deeper in depth to give the kids their own narrative, letting you see what scares them personally. All-around good adaptation, and props to Bill Skarsgard for making us forget Tim Curry's Pennywise in favor of something a little different.

Alien: Covenant

After the disappointment that was Prometheus, Ridley Scott pulls it back together for Alien: Covenant. After arriving on a strange planet, a group of colonists are trying to figure out the reason for the planet's lack of wildlife. While plants thrive, animals are noticeably absent from the landscape, and when they find out the reason, they wish they'd never come. This one is not for the squeamish--in a horror-genre triumph the movie is full of every kind of scare, from jumps to core-chilling realizations about human nature and morality.

Honorable Mentions:

Ingrid Goes West
Ingrid becomes a bit too attached to a specific Instagram celebrity, and decides to move to California to become her friend. Fascinating commentary on social media stars -- and their stalkers. Examines both the superficiality of social media and the psychological problems that they can encourage.

1922
A man decides to murder his wife, enlisting his son to help him. I thought this was a fantastic atmospheric thriller and old-timey creep-fest. Available on Netflix!

Stupid Movie Sunday: Geostorm

2017-10-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

This may very well end up being a one-time thing, but I'm a sucker for stupid movies and it's Sunday so here we are.

Typical that everyone's like "BLADERUNNER IS AWESOME" and I'm silently moonwalking into Geostorm under cover of night.

Am I ashamed? A bit.

Geostorm is basically what happens when someone who really loved Armageddon tries to recreate it in our modern reality. To its credit, Geostorm does its best to address both politics and (obviously) climate change in one fell swoop that might've worked with a better writer. But let's dive into plot, shall we?

GEOSTORM (somehow it feels more appropriate in all-caps, doesn't it?) follows two brothers: one, Jake (Gerard Butler), a scientist that has masterminded an entire satellite system to control the weather; the other, Max (Jim Sturgess), his political counterpart. When Max takes over the management of the satellite system via political orders, Jake is understandably pissed, leaving them with some bad blood. But when the satellites start acting up and targeting horrific natural disasters, it's time for the brothers to MAKE AMENDS (cue music swell) and to find the nefarious people responsible for programming the rogue satellites.

I love watching movies like this because they are so clearly churned out to serve the larger public, and so they reflect the kind of story that (the studios think) appeals to most people.

Geostorm, for all its laughable disaster effect shots, is fascinating in how different it is from movies like Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, and even more political-minded ones like Independence Day. A key driver of the plot is the fact that the government is responsible for the satellite web, and whether we should trust them with something that affects the entire world.

Probably worth it to just keep recycling.

The plot of the movie had more twists than I would've counted on, to be honest. For something as formulaic as a disaster movie, the political plot twists keep it interesting and modern. And the technology/coding aspects serve the plot structure well--I mean, who hasn't had a buggy gadget go rogue?

To match our current distrust of government at large, unease at increasing technologies, and anxiety at global climate change, Geostorm is surprisingly topical.

Obviously the problems here lie in execution.

If you're looking for the thrilling visuals that dominate most disaster movies, you're gonna have a bad time. Geostorm's intrigue lies between both politics and space, and so the visuals that we are so accustomed to in disaster movies are a bit far and few between. There's simply too much going on to give the disasters themselves that equal screen-time.

There's also a lot of old-school tropes that are just super hokey. One of my favorite parts is when we find Jake, years after constructing a giant, global satellite to control the world's weather, living in a trailer in the middle of Florida.

...Like, sure sweetie. I'm sure your salary was peanuts. Glad to see you're still an every-man.

Jake plays like a poor man's Mel Gibson, the "tough American" trope that doesn't play as well as it used to, if we're being honest. I would love to see one of these cheapy movies where people are just smart and don't have to be assholes that are always punching people in the face. Like why are we always punching people in the face?

I digress.

There's also a hilarious amount of product placement in this thing. I counted: Coors Light, Chipotle, Chromebook, and more. Make dat money, 'Merica!

Anyway, GEOSTORM is a fun time if you're bored and looking for something with a little more substance than disaster movie counterparts from the 1990s.

4 outa 10.

What the Hell, Hollywood?

2017-08-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to the movies in a while.

And I'm annoyed, because I've been in the mood to go to the movies several times, but the only things playing are one of two things:

1. A giant, obnoxious blockbuster -- possibly/probably a sequel -- that has been shoved in my face for the past several months but offers nothing beyond big, bloated effects, limited character development, and poor plot structure.

OR

2. An indie film with an unlikeable protagonist, that explores uncomfortable or painful realities of either everyday life or an incredibly niche period in time.

That and a few awful-looking horror movies. (Though I may just go see ANOTHER Annabelle movie because...I am the worst.)

Maybe I'm being pessimistic. Maybe these movies are not THAT BAD and I'm just bummed out because I've been watching too many 90s movies. Mid-range movies that hit the gap that is so clearly separating Hollywood movies from the indies.

But this is something that I've been slowly noticing over the past several years.

In a lot of ways, I think that the current gap between blockbusters and indie flicks is super reflective of our pop culture as a whole. In a world where everything you do is catered to you every preference, it's natural that more people are opting to stay inside and check out their latest Netflix recommendations rather than go out and spend a chunk of change on something that may very well prove to be more of the same.

You bastard.

Especially when it comes down to the VOLUME of shows that are at your disposal on average. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, OnDemand, and countless other services that cater to a certain taste preference are coming up with shows faster than Hollywood can keep up. So it's logical that they spend their money on the things that viewers can't get at home: 1. a giant screen, insane special effects, the draw of the spectacle; or 2. an intimate theater experience watching emotional movies that have meaning.

But even so, there's so much exasperation in looking at current movie offerings. You either need to sit in an art theater watching a bleak period piece or you need to get your ears blasted by whatever action movie looks decent enough to give a try.

Even rarer, movies with happy endings are hard to find these days, and even when they are found can feel a little thin, because we're so conditioned to expect movies to be REAL.

"Thor wouldn't have been able to fight Loki because they're brothers

and since Thor is an ENFJ it's clear that sexism has a role in his ability..."

Maybe that's our problem. Nothing can really get away with being half-real anymore -- you're either totally entrenched in fantasy or you're totally entrenched in what real life is like.

If you watch movies from the 1940s, their flavor is almost comically theatrical. Movements are exaggerated and accents are overly clipped, and everything has an air of being more dramatic. They're even scored that way.

And this isn't necessarily something that's limited to super old movies. Think about movies like The Patriot or Armageddon, that defied common sense (LET'S SEND OIL DRILLERS TO SAVE THE PLANET). Everything is soooo overdone -- they spend so much time playing on your heartstrings that by the end of the film they've got blisters. Can you imagine making movies like those today?

I DONWANNA CLOOOSE MY EEEYYYYEESSS

In a way, actually, this cheesy factor has almost come full circle. Think about avant garde comedy like Tim and Eric, or satire news sites like The Onion. And while movies, given their time frames, have a trickier time pulling these kinds of full-circle comedy pieces, they have discovered the next best thing: nostalgia.

Our culture is so entrenched in nostalgia that you have runaway successes like Disney's easy-out method of making live-action remakes of their beloved cartoons, or churned-out super hero movies based on age-old comics. We are so overwhelmed by choices that we end up reverting back to what we loved as kids. It's easy! We've already seen it! We're BOUND to love it!

And especially at a time where we're used to bingeing shows and continuing narratives, it makes sense that we would want to see more of our favorite characters. It's like we've been waiting for years for our favorite series to get revamped (which is also happening at breakneck speeds).

Don't even get me started on this bullshit.

Alright, this has been a long and complainy post. But I had to get it out of my system. I promise next one will be less grouchy.

Best of the Worst: RomComs of Yesteryear

2017-04-19T21:51:00.001-07:00

I've been bingeing on terrible romcoms from the late 90s/early 00s, and I need to talk about how terrible-wonderful they are.

Remember those days? When you were given a heroine and a love interest and they HATED each other and then they LOVED each other and then they HATED each other again and then they MADE UP and there were some funny things that happened in between? They really don't make 'em like that anymore. The formula doesn't really work anymore. The closest thing that we've gotten in recent memory are things like Trainwreck and The Other Woman, neither of which did incredibly well. So let's go back in time to when things were formulaic and the world was a little bit simpler.

Kate and Leopold

The powers that be decided to take two of their ole romcom staples and shove them into another formulaic masterpiece. Said shoved actors in this case are Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman. Watching this through the lens of current movies -- in which we see the romcom becoming a dying breed because audiences now thirst for authenticity -- this movie is a riot. When Kate (Meg Ryan) discovers that her ex-boyfriend/neighbor has found a portal into 1876 and that a duke has followed him back, she doesn't believe him. But Leopold (Hugh Jackman) is a breath of fresh air in the terribly rushed, tech-obsessed (Kate can't find her Palm Pilot!!), and cigarette-fueled year of 2001. Will Kate decide to take Leopold as he is (a duke from 1876) or will she choose her demanding career as an ad exec. I'll give you one guess.

What Women Want

Oh, Mel. What happened? Charming-if-misogynistic Nick (Mel Gibson) is New York's hottest ad exec, but is becoming wary of the fact that he is only ever assigned ad content for men (hot women, hot cars, hot things in general). When his new boss, Darcy (Helen Hunt), not only steals his promotion but turns out to be a woman, Nick is eager to make her look like a fool. One night, in a twist of fate, he electrocutes himself and is given the gift of hearing women's thoughts. Using this talent for his own means, he invades the thoughts of his new boss to create an ad campaign that will speak to women -- and accidentally ends up falling in love with her. An interesting study in work ethics and dating policies, it is also a hilarious study in the dated polarity of perceived men's vs. women's thoughts. I mean, how could any man POSSIBLY know what a woman is thinking without having to read her thoughts!?

The Wedding Planner

JLo plays a career-driven wedding planner named Mary who simply does not have time for men. But all that changes when she has a brush with death and is saved by hot, young pediatrician Steve (Matthew McConaughey). Only one problem -- he's the groom in her client's wedding. As Mary and Steve's chemistry becomes more and more undeniable, will he still go through with his wedding? I think my favorite part of the Wedding Planner these days is how caught up I get in A) how incredibly horrendous JLo is as an actress and B) the color palette of this movie. I bet you think I'm kidding about the latter thing, but I dare you to find another movie where the color lavender should have its own casting credit. Seriously. Look at the trailer even. It could be a drinking game.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles! This film follows Andie (Kate Hudson) a journalist trying to write a piece about how to (you guessed it) lose a guy in ten days. How fortuitous, then, that her prey happens to be Ben (Matthew McConaughey), who ALSO happens to be a journalist trying to write a piece about how to make a woman fall in love with him in ten days (why they didn't land on that as the title, the world may never know). As Ben tries harder to make Andie stick around, Andie's crazy gets out of control. It's actually a pretty fun movie to be honest, if totally cringe-worthy. (You're not helping the women-aren't-crazy movement, Andie.)

He's Just Not That Into You

Oh my god. This is a cringe-fest of a movie that I can never turn off once I've turned it on. I don't even know why. It's like watching a car accident. Every time I watch this, I'm literally just shouting at the screen. "GIGI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. JUST CHILL. OMG." It's like watching everyone on screen willfully make the worst relationship decisions in the book. And somehow, bafflingly, everyone ends up happy. I'm not even going to bother trying to explain the plot of this ensemble nightmare. Just watch the trailer.

Serendipity

Jonathon (John Cusack) and Sarah (Kate Beckinsale) meet one fated Christmas Eve when they're both shopping for gloves. After having an evening so romantic they could've hopped a plane to Vegas and gotten married, they decide, instead, to let Fate take it from there, and part ways waiting for a sign that they should see each other again. Fast forward ten years to the weekend of Jonathon's wedding, and Sarah's engagement. Both of them can't stop thinking of each other, and the film turns into their frenzied attempts to get closure before taking a lifelong plunge of commitment with other people. Because that is exactly the right time to pursue someone that you had a pretty good time with this one day, ten years ago, for eight hours.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) has just received the news that her ex (Dermot Mulroney), who has been her best friend for 9 years, is marrying a 20-year-old that he met a few months before (Cameron Diaz). Trying to make every woman's nightmare into a fun romp where you're supposed to side with the "other woman" is a little...strained in this flick. And you can bet your ass that in real life things wouldn't be okay by the reception. Lawd.

Coyote Ugly

Ugh, Piper Perabo always seemed to me like a poor man's Julia Roberts. In this fun and trashy flick, Perabo plays Violet, a girl from Jersey who moves to New York City to pursue a career in songwriting. The only problem is that Violet has crippling stage fright, which she apparently hasn't considered might be a stumbling block. After getting a job at a trashy bar called Coyote Ugly, Violet meets Kevin, who gives her the confidence she needs to perform her songs in public. I just gave away the entire movie. Sorry not sorry.

Notting Hill

To be fair, I watched this after two glasses of whiskey and that made it reeeeally fun to make fun of. In a world where Hollywood actresses walk around without security and travel book stores still existed, we meet our heroes: Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) and William Something (Hugh Grant). When Anna meets William at his travel book store, it's an almost instant attraction. Making sure the audience knows that each of them are totally down to earth despite Anna's ritzy background and William's humble one, they quickly fall in love. But fate doesn't seem to be on their side at first, throwing obstacles in their way. Will Anna and William make it work? Tbh, Anna and William have like 0 chemistry and when (spoiler alert! or is it..) they end up together at the end there's a resounding question: "Why?" The story also features William's spectacularly depressing troupe of friends, his zany roommate, and his sister, who is so uncomfortably quirky that she's bordering on insane.

Someone Like You

Okay, this one isn't as terrible as it is a little bewildering. Jane (Ashley Judd) falls in love with Ray (Greg Kinear) but he soon leaves her to go back to his girlfriend. Seeking revenge for her broken heart, Jane moves in with her platonic coworker Eddie (Hugh Jackman) and dives into a harebrained scientific theory about cows and why guys have trouble being monogamous (yes, really). I will say that while the plot is kind of weird, Judd and Jackman are cute, and the movie is half light-hearted romcom and half dealing-with-heartbreak in a way that you don't typically find anymore. Good old-fashioned fluff right here kids, step right up.

Head Over Heels

Amanda (Monica Potter) works in art restoration, and moves in with four fashion models after discovering her fiance cheating on her. After meeting a handsome neighbor (Freddie Prinze Jr.), she's convinced that she can move on. But after spotting what looks like foul play, she's determined to get to the bottom of his life before another man can sweep her off her feet in a web of lies. You can imagine her relief when said neighbor is just a CIA agent (where are these people getting these jobs???). Serious points for creativity on this one. Also the high fashion of the early 00s is a riot.

A Cure for Wellness: A Lesson in Amazing Thrillers

2017-02-18T06:09:00.003-08:00

Oh. My God. Okay, at the risk of over-hyping this movie, I was not expecting it to be as good as it was. Especially for a movie that clocks in at 2.5 hours (a fact that I was blissfully unaware of until I was seated in the theater), I was bracing myself for the worst. But the pacing and the intrigue and the mystery of A Cure for Wellness will keep you on the edge of your seat.

AND LOOK AT THAT POSTER ART.

Our story begins when a young, overly ambitious businessman named Lockhart (first name irrelevant) is sent on a mission by his cutthroat corporation to fetch back their CEO, who has spirited away to a Swiss sanatorium. The only clue that the CEO leaves behind is a grim letter that decries the corporate greed and ambition that his company and the world at large so value. When Lockhart arrives at the sanatorium, he's indirectly barred from speaking to his boss, and so he leaves. Or at least he tries to. After getting into a serious car accident on the way back to civilization, Lockhart is held at the sanatorium until his health "improves." But the longer he's held there, the more questions Lockhart has about the unorthodox methods with which the director, Volmer (Jason Isaacs), treats his patients, the vitamins that everyone takes so religiously, and the ultimate "cure."

Wow wow wow. It's very hard to find a film as trippy and mysterious as A Cure for Wellness that doesn't make you completely impatient for the ending. Cerebral, style-heavy movies like this don't often work for me. I get impatient at the visuals dominating the plot and leave the theater rolling my eyes at art getting in the way of a good story. But it's rare to find a movie as beautifully trippy as A Cure for Wellness, too, that is so well constructed and clean. Throughout the movie the stark, bright antisceptic nature of the sanatorium clearly conceals a bigger secret, especially in contrast with the realism of the village below it. And figuring out what that secret is makes the film so interesting.

(Not an infinity pool.)

Generally, poorly constructed mysteries make the mistake of asking a singular question, hoping that they'll hold the audience's attention long enough for a flash-bang finish that takes their breath away. But they are rarely so lucky. The best mysteries are multilayered, peeling back clues and revealing truths, and giving way to the answer of a larger question that you didn't even realize was being asked.

This movie easily could've turned into an existential sort of crisis plot, where the "cure" is mere symbolism and the action driving the plot is purely mental. But in creating a tangible mystery based on legend and history as well as medicine, this movie can be interpreted in all kinds of ways. It touches on corporate greed, family lineage, mental health, the hypochondriacal wealthy, and SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

Look at the creepy symmetry of those colors.

A word of warning to the squeamish: like any good horror-thriller there is a bit of gore in this that might gross you out. It had to be said. But as a squeamish person myself, I hope this doesn't keep you from going out and seeing it.

9 outa 10. It's so refreshing to see this much creativity, structure, and beauty in a psychological thriller. So many indie films these days get too wrapped up in themselves, but the ending to Cure ends up being straightforward while still managing to be amazingly pulpy.

Split: Classic M. Night Original

2017-01-18T15:52:00.003-08:00

I've always had somewhat of a loyalty problem with M. Night Shyamalan. As in, I tend to like most of the things that he creates, even if the reason I like them is simply for their original plots.

Also I bumped into him at a bar once so we're bffs.

With Split, Shyamalan sets a scene that is super unusual, and even if it's not super scary, I have to respect him for setting up a story that few people could pull off.

Split begins with three high school girls at the end of a birthday party. The birthday girl and her friend are in the process of begrudgingly giving their estranged classmate, Casey (Anya Taylor-Joy), a ride home when a stranger (James McAvoy) gets in their car. Drugging them and taking them to an undisclosed location, the man refuses to tell them anything about where they are or why they're there. But something is wrong with this man beyond his abductive tendencies. The next time they see him, the original tough guy that they dealt with has the mannerisms, high heels and clipped British accent of a middle-aged English woman. We soon learn through his sessions with therapist Dr. Fletcher (Betty Buckley, who you might recognize from Carrie!) that this man, Kevin, has 24 separate personalities. In interacting with the girls, we are shown three of the personalities who aren't typically allowed to shine. The girls therefore need to do their best to use this to their advantage, and see if they can escape before the 24th personality, "The Beast," emerges.

Nbd.

I've gotta give Shyamalan credit for being a true auteur. Shyamalan's style is always 100% his own: that blend of human realism that borders on comedy, coupled with unsettling truths that are revealed to the characters until a final plot twist. He stays true to form with Split, though you might not expect the final flourish to his twist at the end.

What works: I think that the acting in this was pretty impressive. McAvoy does a splendid job as the multifaceted Kevin, bringing a convincing performance as each character, down to 9-year-old Hedwig (who is, for some reason, a boy and not a girl despite the name?). Anya Taylor-Joy did a good job as Casey as well, a character who has dark secrets that explain her quiet, isolated nature. Cinematography, as always, is lovely, and Philadelphia gets a nice little shout-out as each of its notable locations from the Art Museum to 30th St. Station are highlighted with loving care.

And of course this random street.

I think the story, too, is an interesting one, though it reminded me of all the objections that came up against the movie Lucy when that one came out. The film science argues that someone with Disassociative Identity Disorder (and THANK YOU M. Night for finally differentiating between this and schizophrenia) can mentally create conditions and traits that can manifest themselves physically. We revisit that whole argument, once again, that humans only access a portion of their brains, blah blah blah. But still, it taps into the suspicion that we're all stronger than we think we are, and the powers of belief and of trauma. What can your brain do to ensure your body's survival?

What doesn't work: as I mentioned earlier, Shyamalan has this amazing ability to bring humor to thriller, but it's almost to a fault with this movie. I'm not sure if the creep factor was lowered because I'd seen the trailers so many times or because the audience I saw it in kept laughing, but scenes that were supposed to make your hair stand on end had most people near me giggling. An unfortunate side effect of showcasing someone with DID is that sometimes the performance reads as a caricature, which tends to toe the line between creeptacular and just plain funny.

Though sometimes it is spectacularly creepy.

I also had a bit of impatience with this film (I know, act surprised). The present action is intersected with bits of Casey's brutal past, which are drug out presumably to explain why she reacts the way she does to certain situations. In some circumstances though it just drags the movie out. There are about six scenes that feature her childhood when there really only need to be three -- four, tops.

Another lost opportunity is the fact that this guy has 24 personalities -- 24 PERSONALITIES. And we only get to see four of them!? Talk about a wasted opportunity.

For fans of Shyamalan's previous movies, the ending might be an especial treat, but for this critic it mostly left me confused.

All in all, it's not a bad movie, and again I give Split points for originality. However, I walked into the theater thinking I was going to be scared and I wasn't, really. The film reads almost more as a mystery, as so many of his others do, but lacked a lot of the visceral fear that I was hoping to feel.

6 outa 10. No nightmares here, kids.

Rogue One: We're Going Rogue!

2016-12-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Full disclosure: I love the Star Wars series and I think that they're great movies (with the exceptions of stories I-III because Hayden Christianson cannot act, I don't care who you are). But I have only seen them each once or twice. That being said, from where I'm standing Rogue One is an incredible addition to the Star Wars canon.

This. Chick.

Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) has had a troubled life. Witnessing the death of her mother and the capture of her father by Imperial forces; getting raised and trained as a soldier by a half-crazy rebel; getting captured and sent to a work camp. It hasn't been great. But when she's rescued by the Alliance, she learns that she's of use to them. Jyn's father, Galen Erso, is an engineer working for the Empire on a new super-weapon called the Death Star. Hoping to leverage Jyn's parentage, the Alliance sends her out too meet with Saw Gerrera, her father's old friend and the man who raised her, with the ultimate goal of gaining intelligence about the new weapon. The film then follows Jyn as she joins Cassian Andor (the beautiful Diego Luna) and the rest of the Alliance to capture knowledge of the Death Star and defeat the Empire.

Wow. It's been a minute since I saw a two-hour movie that kept me captivated. What a great standalone. Rogue One does a fantastic job of bridging the gap between introducing us to a new storyline and new characters while keeping the original world of the films intact. Everything fits spectacularly well. We're able to follow a new story with new characters that perfectly fits the vein of the entire series without compromising quality. It somehow manages to keep itself current while also paying due homage to the films from the 70s and 80s.

And some familiar faces. And breathing patterns.

The movie also does a fantastic job of balancing humanity, humor, and the realities of rebellion. While the charismatic characters and post-rebellion context of The Force Awakens kept its mood a little lighter (in general), the mood of Rogue One is far more heavy, showing the human impact of the Empire's efforts to snuff the Alliance. Children being raised in politically tumultuous times, and the violent instability as the two sides fought, are really clearly portrayed by the two mains Jyn and Cassian. And the things that we're witness to in the original series gain new context as we get a closer look at the people that made them possible.

This stone-cold pack of weirdos.

It's also interesting to see such an objective-driven storyline. They need to get the Death Star plans. That's the goal. And their will to complete that goal encapsulates the whole rebellion. The themes of hope when all is lost make it truly memorable. "Rebellions are built on hope." Hell yeah.

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

I also really liked how neatly this film wraps itself up. Despite the possibility that there is for these heroes' stories to continue, there's a reality in the ending that I wasn't expecting. Sometimes greatness has to occur at the cost of great sacrifice, and the idea of serving a greater good is something that really resounds at the end of Rogue One.

OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!

All in all, Rogue One is a fantastic addition to the Star Wars canon that pays homage to its predecessor films while remaining currently relevant. Great characters, great story, great cinematography, great film.

9.5 outa 10. Must-see.

Wintry, Not-Christmas Movies for Scrooges Like You

2016-12-16T14:08:00.003-08:00

I don't know what it is about the Christmas season this year but I'm just not feeling the Christmas movies. This could of course also be because I've seen every (good) Christmas movie at least 4 times and I'm kind of over it. I have seen White Christmas and Christmas in Connecticut both once, and Muppet Christmas Carol only four times this December (this may seem excessive, but trust me, this number is low for me), and none of my Christmas movies are appealing to me. However, being raised in a household where summer movies in the winter was strictly verboten, I feel that while my movies this December don't have to be especially Christmassy, they have to at least be cold.

SO! For those of you out there who can't stomach another rendition of Dickens' Christmas Carol, or who feel their eyes start to roll at the thought of watching A Christmas Story for the 37th time, here's some cold-weather, wintry movies that are either only marginally Christmassy or just happen to take place in cold weather. Bah humbug, everyone!

Moonstruck

Okay. This is one of my favorite movies of all time. And it takes place in the winter. So. Here we are. Loretta (played by the illustrious Cher -- just go with it) is an accountant who lives with her parents and grandfather in Brooklyn. When she decides to marry Johnny Cammareri, her family is less than pleased with the match, especially since Johnny jets off to Palermo to attend his dying mother. Before taking off though, he asks Loretta to settle some "bad blood" with his brother, Ronny -- and things happen. Also tangential to Loretta's story are those of her family members, who are having some crises of their own. A beautiful tale of drama, romance, family and the power of a full moon. Some of the best dialogue and characterizations of anything I've ever seen. And I'm not exaggerating.

Sleepless in Seattle

Horses horses horses horses. Annie Reed (Meg Ryan) lives in Baltimore, but she's driving to her family's house for Christmas when she hears a talk radio host get called by a 10-year-old named Jonah who asks how his dad can find a new wife. After Jonah's dad (Tom Hanks) hops on the show to talk about his late wife and his current life, Annie can't get the two of them out of her head. The rest of the movie shows them both as they grapple with relationships, question fate and dissect An Affair to Remember. Hanks and Ryan have such a wonderful romantic chemistry -- worth watching if you haven't.

Bridget Jones' Diary

Ah, my spirit animal. Dear Bridget Jones. Bridget (Renee Zellweger) is a publicist at a publishing house who desperately wants a boyfriend. But will she end up with her charismatic boss Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant) or the enigmatic Mark Darcy (Colin Firth)? I don't know what I sympathize with more: trying to navigate a love life living in the city or belting random 90s songs alone in your apartment.

Fargo

Let's swerve away from romance shall we? Besides featuring one of the best intro tracks known to man this movie has a mesmerizing balance of humor, empathy and darkness that keeps it compelling without getting too bleak. When Jerry Lundegaard (William H. Macy) gets into some financial trouble, he goes to some lengths to try and get out of it without ruffling the feathers of his terrifying father in law. But staging a kidnapping with some random thugs (incredibly) does not go as planned, and after people start running their mouths, Lundegaard learns the hard way that he may have chosen the wrong way out. Investigating the case is the persistent, pregnant Margie Gunderson (Frances McDormund) who serves as a perfect foil to weakling car salesman Jerry Lundegaard in a way that has you inexplicably sympathetic to them both. And what's not intriguing about a foiled, staged kidnapping?

Misery

Speaking of kidnapping, who wouldn't love to be a writer who gets kidnapped by his biggest fan, right? That's what happens to Paul Sheldon (James Caan) when he gets into a car accident in the middle of snowy Colorado, he is taken in by kind nurse Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) who tells him she's his number one fan. As Paul's condition improves, however, Annie reveals herself to be far from kind, and as Paul's captivity veers into a living nightmare, only he can figure out how to save himself. Watch out for the scene where she talks about "hobbling." You might throw up.

The Shining

Speaking of Stephen King (this list is really becoming transitive isn't it?), The Shining is another atmospheric horror guaranteed to fill that absence of Christmas spirit with heebie jeebies. Jack Torrence (Jack Nicholson) has just taken a job at the Overlook Hotel in Colorado with his wife (Shelly Duvall) and their son. But there's an evil sort of energy at work at the Overlook, and when Jack starts falling prey to the hotel's mind games, it's only a matter of time before he becomes dangerous to his wife and son. Kubrick's atmosphere of isolation really gets driven home by the creepy sound design and cinematography.

The Thing

Speaking of isolation (just go with it), another creepy, unsettling winter scene is The Thing. Loosely based on 1951's The Thing from Another World, a group of scientists at a research base in Antarctica are taken by surprise by an alien that can assume the appearance of anything that it wants. As the thing becomes harder and harder to keep track of, the small group of researchers must decide for themselves if there is an impostor among them and, if so, who (or what) it is. Suspenseful to the very end, a great atmospheric thriller, and amazing practical effects!

Die Hard

Alright, we're going to allow the Christmas in just this once, because Die Hard is one unorthodox Christmas movie. NYPD officer John McClane is going home for the holidays to try and reconcile with his estranged wife. But after he meets with her at her corporate office, the building is soon taken over by German terrorists (why not, right?). As they take hostages, it's up to shoeless hero John McClane to overtake the terrorists, enlist the help of the LAPD's Sgt. Al Powell, and save the day. Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Again bordering on the holiday theme, C.S. Lewis's children's story gets a grown-up makeover in this Disney adaptation. Four children are transported from bleak WW2 England to enchanted Narnia, another dimension filled with centaurs, fawns, unicorns, and all kinds of enchanted creatures. But they soon find out that magic isn't always pure, and soon become wrapped up in Narnia's battle to fight the land's endless winter and terrifying leader, the White Witch. Nice effects but the children's acting chops and the set design really make this worth your time.

Frozen

I'm sure I don't even need to explain the plot of this one, but I will anyway for continuity's sake. Princesses Anna and Elsa, orphaned when they're teenagers, have grown apart over the years due to Elsa's fear of her own icy powers. When Elsa freaks out and abandons her kingdom, encasing it in a brutal winter, it's up to her sister to find her and to bring her back. An interesting case study in responsibility, being different, and in girl power, you obviously also want to watch this one for the catchy tunes.

Balto

Why not, right? Bet you forgot about this little gem. Set in tropical Nome, Alaska, Balto is a half-wolf who joins a sled team to bring a sick child medicine. Along the way he encounters push-back from the other sled dogs and has to learn to accept his wolf side. So sweet.

Last Holiday

Oh. My. God. I remember my sister telling me how great this movie was years ago and kind of brushing her off, but after watching it at the urging of one of my coworkers, I have to say -- goddamn. This movie is a treasure. Georgia (QUEEN EFFING LATIFAH) is a quiet sales clerk at a department store who has dreams of doing something big someday, just not now. But after receiving a devastating diagnosis that leaves her with only weeks to live, Georgia decides to live life as full as she can and takes off for a ritzy hotel in Europe. This. Movie. Omg. The amount of good feelings in it are endless. And LL Cool J's appearance as her crush is just the goddamn cherry on top. So much yes.

(OMG IT'S THE ENTIRE MOVIE)

Babycakes

If you've read more than two of my blog posts, you probably know that I have an irrational obsession with this movie. I sincerely do not know why. Grace (Ricki Lake) is an overweight makeup artist who works at a New York morgue with her hypochondriacal best friend (don't tell me you're not already hooked). When Grace sets her sights on a guy who looks like a movie star, she'll do anything to try and win him over -- and he is shockingly okay with it. I love this movie for how freakin' weird it is. Listen for a quote about the dinosaurs going extinct as a metaphor for living in the moment. Ah, sweet, fluff films from the 1980s.

Well we've really come full circle, haven't we peeps? Hopefully this spans the scope of your winter moods! Happy Cold Month!

A Quiet Passion: Some Might Even Say...Too Quiet...

2016-10-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

Emily Dickinson spent most of her life in her family home, going about her business and writing. So Terence Davies' A Quiet Passion, which I caught at the Philadelphia Film Festival this past weekend, is hardly surprising in its muted tone. However, for the things that the film chooses to highlight, its "quiet passion" might be a little too reflexive to hold an audience's interest.

The story begins as Emily Dickinson is leaving seminary school to return home to her family, where she would go on to spend the rest of her life. As playful as she is with her words, Emily seems to hide a spiritedness that she's over-aware of and that she's uncomfortable showing to others. While she publishes poems here and there, as she ages she becomes more and more reclusive and bitter, a mental state that seems to be mimicked in her poetry.

I always have a problem with biopics. Especially ones like this one, which reminds me so much of last year's Mr. Turner. It spends so much time in simply following the character (or maybe its interpretation of the character) that there ends up being no room for history or context -- or even entertainment. A Quiet Passion leaves a lot to be desired. From the choice in casting Cynthia Nixon as Emily Dickinson to the (in my opinion) overly-wrought dialogue, there really isn't a ton here to hold your attention unless you're really into long shots of completely silent rooms. We get it. She was quiet. She was passionate. Can we speed this up please.

I wish that they could've infused a little more action into the film. While Emily is a solitary creature, the only chatty relief during the film comes from her sister, Vinny (Jennifer Ehle), who treats Emily with an unending amount of kindness and restraint, and their neighbor Ms. Buffam (Catherine Bailey), who reads as the period's Samantha Jones. But even this dialogue is so laborious that it doesn't seem authentic. Where I imagine the director/writer Terence Davies thought that Emily would enjoy "sparring" with close friends and neighbors, the language is as clipped and as hard to follow as an episode of Gilmore Girls. And with dialogue that doesn't ring super authentic, it's hard to get a taste for who these characters are. As with any historical period drama, directors are left to fill in the gaps. But I'm willing to bet that one of America's most celebrated poets had to have been more interesting than this. I'm sure there must be a better balance between historical accuracy and entertainment.

"Hang on, let's get a 15-min shot of her reading this piece of paper.

And no voice-over of what it says."

I also wasn't thrilled with the handling of Emily's death, or that of her parents. While there's something to be said for authenticity, there wasn't a ton to take away from watching Emily physically die. Bright's Disease sounds horrible, but I was more annoyed that no one seemed to acknowledge her extreme back pains and seizures throughout her life, than to marvel at everyone's devotion to her as she breathed her last breath.

All in all, I found this movie annoying (if you couldn't tell). What a fascinating life to cover, and yet her poems are read in Nixon's irritating voice with a lack of [quiet] passion. I would have liked to see someone else cast as the lead, and with more of a story to tell than just following the poet around. It's wonderful to offer a peek at the life of a person that you know, but for anyone who isn't familiar with the life of Emily Dickinson this will just read as a slow film.

4 outa 10.

(Disclaimer: This trailer is misleadingly interesting. There was almost no music in this film.)

22 Best Spooky Flicks for Scaredy Cats

2016-10-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

Now, dear readers, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I like scary movies. If you don't believe me, check out the enormous lists that I made of every classic horror movie since 1942. Well, one list, divided into Part 1 and Part 2. (Oh shush, like you didn't think I'd put thought into this.)

ANYWAY! Since it has become increasingly clear to me in the past few years that a lot of people don't like scary movies, I've put together the wuss's dream list of Halloween flicks. Movies that will have you tense without involuntarily diving into your hooded sweatshirt; that smell more like pumpkin spice than rotting corpses.

So, in order of creep-factor, here we go!

1. Ichabod and Mr. Toad (click the titles for the trailers!)

The more festive half of this movie is the tale of Ichabod Crane, but if you're renting/buying/watching this legally this you'll probably have to sit through Mr. Toad's Wind in the Willows tale first. Just a heads-up. Anyway, this is the classic New England story of a superstitious school-teacher who hears a story about a Headless Horseman and then disappears. Did he run away? Was he taken? Who knows. But this half-hour cartoon is full of fun songs and Bing Crosby's lovely crooning so who cares?

2. It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Linus is convinced that the Great Pumpkin is bound to appear, doling out gifts to neighborhood kids, as he sits in a pumpkin patch waiting. Another 1960s classic that Schultz wrote himself. If you want some smooth jazz with your cartoons, Great Pumpkin delivers the same kind of music that comes with its Christmas counterpart.

3. Hotel Transylvania

Really just adorable. Overprotective, single father Dracula has made it his life's purpose to host all manner of ghosts and ghouls at his monster-centric hotel. But when his teenage daughter starts to fall for a human, he has to do his best to protect her while keeping up appearances. Really funny, and Sandler's Dracula is better than you'd expect. The sequel's on Netflix!

4. Teen Witch

Louise Miller is a total nerd. But when she finds out that she's a witch on the cusp of realizing her true power, she decides to go for the hottest guy in school and become the most popular girl. Come for the hokey plot, stay for the insane late-80's outfits.

5. Halloweentown

Anyone in their mid-20s probably saw this movie on the Disney Channel when it first came out. Marnie and her two siblings learn that their family hails from an alternate world called Halloweentown, and their grandmother (played by the still-incredibly-spry Debbie Reynolds) takes them there. But all is not well in Halloweentown, and the kids have to take it upon themselves to save the town and their mom before the night is over.

6. The Little Vampire

Such an underrated vampire flick for little kiddies! After Tony Thompson moves to Scotland, he makes friends with a young vampire named Rudolph. Together with Rudolph's family, Tony helps them search for an amulet that could turn them human -- while also trying to dodge resident vampire-hunter, Rookery. Great performances from the cute little actors and the setting keeps this one spooky without getting too scary!

7. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Before Sarah Michelle Gellar there was Kristy Swanson. And before Buffy was a bad-ass, she was a damn good cheerleader. When Buffy is visited by a strange man (who, for whatever reason, is played by Donald Sutherland), she learns that it's up to her to keep her family's legacy and hunt vampires. A few creepy moments, but it's mostly just delightfully cheesy. Look for a hilarious performance by Paul Reubens (who you might know better as Pee-Wee Herman).

8. Casper

Aw, remember when Bill Pullman was in everything? Ahhh, the 90's. While the special effects might not have held up, this is still a Halloween classic. And who didn't think that Human Casper was super cute when they were like 12?

9. Ghostbusters

Okay, not super Halloweeny, but it takes place in fall and it's about ghosts, right? It can stay. Who doesn't know the story of the four guys who saved NYC from a spectral apocalypse? Who you gonna call!?

10. Hocus Pocus
I doubt that Disney had any idea how big a hit this would be among millennials. Two kids move from L.A. to Salem, Massachusetts and accidentally free three notorious witches, who come back to suck the lives out of children to sustain their own youth. (Jeez, when you summarize it like that, it sounds like it should be a lot scarier than it actually is...) I still can't think of another movie where I find any of these three leading actresses more hilarious and I dare you to not get "I Put a Spell on You" stuck in your head.

11. The Witches
An underrated movie adapted from Roald Dahl's chapter book of the same name, this one is a little creepier than most of the other kids' movies. A child and his grandmother go to the English coast for a vacation, only to find that the hotel is full of witches. After the little boy stumbles upon their plot to get rid of all the world's children, it's up to him, his grandma, and his friend Bruno to save the day. Creature effects from the Jim Henson lab could cheese it up for adults, but, if I remember correctly from my childhood, could also be a little scary for little ones!

12. Nightmare Before Christmas
Ah, every emo kid's favorite movie. Jack, the Pump-kin King (c'mon, you sang it too), is a little jaded with living his life for each Halloween. After he stumbles upon the holiday of Christmas, he makes it his mission to switch things up a bit -- to the horror of Santa Claus and the world's children. An amazing soundtrack and perfect clay-mation make this one worth seeing.

13. Corpse Bride
Another Tim Burton clay-mation classic. When Victor and Victoria (hm. never noticed that before.) are arranged by their parents to be married, they are relieved to find that they are both willing to make it work. But when Victor accidentally weds a corpse bride, he then needs to find out how to leave his undead wife for his original intended. Some sweet tunes and sentiments despite the morbid setting.

14. Paranorman
In my opinion, Chris Butler takes Burton's clay-mation to the next level. Butler's incredibly detailed film follows Norman, a nerdy outsider who can see ghosts, and who lives in a town notorious for its hanging of a witch in the 1700s. Visited by his dead uncle, he's given the task of keeping the witch's spirit at bay on Halloween night but botches it. As the witch's spirit is unleashed on the town, we learn that things are not always what they appear.

15. Coraline

One of my faves! And, coincidentally, another clay-mation movie. Coraline Jones has just moved into a new house and is not happy about her parents' lack of sympathy. After finding a secret door in her living room, however, she discovers a world of wonders, and parents who seem to understand her. But everything isn't as it appears, and it's up to Coraline to figure out the true intentions of her Other Mother before it's too late.

16. What We Do in the Shadows
This mockumentary of the lives of three vampire roommates is just what you need to keep festive without getting scared. Camera crews follow these three undead guys as they deal with trying to get into clubs by asking to be invited in, the travesty of not being able to see your own reflection, and the insanely annoying habits of their newly "turned" friend Nick. And the dialogue is amazing. "What are we?" "Werewolves, not swearwolves."

17. Shaun of the Dead
Classic zombie comedy Shaun of the Dead really set the bar for off-beat creature features. Shaun must lead his group of friends to safety after their English village becomes infested by zombies. You'll never hear Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" the same way again.

18. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
A couple gets lost on the road and takes shelter in quite the off-beat mansion. As a crazy transvestite doctor, his human creation, and his off-beat posse teach Janet and Brad their ways, things start to get pretty weird. Let's do the time-warp again!

19. Practical Magic
Two sisters happen to come from a long line of witches. After one of them gets in trouble with an abusive boyfriend, it's up to them how to figure out how to clean up their own mess and use powers they didn't know they had. A nostalgia trip from the late 90s -- velvet tank tops and maxi skirts never looked so good!

20. Children of the Corn
When a couple gets lost on the road, they stumble on a town that is complete devoid of adults. As they try to find their way out, they uncover that it's run by a cult of children, and that they aren't so happy to find adults in their midst. Nowhere near as scary as the original story from Stephen King, and cheesy enough that it's pretty free of serious scares.

21. Carrie
"They're all gonna laugh at you!" I mean, her insane mom warned her. Who hasn't felt like an outsider? But when Carrie White fully hones her psychic powers, her fellow classmates get to learn the hard way that they should've been a little nicer to her.

22. Poltergeist

Spielberg at his finest. This is probably my favorite of all of his films, honestly. A family starts getting tormented by a power that lives inside their home. After it takes the youngest child into its own dimension, it's up to the rest of them to get her back. The best part of this movie is how strong the family is and how much they love each other. Great acting. Those who are afraid of clowns be warned -- I'm sure you've heard of this scene already.

Also worth mentioning if you're a bit of a wimp:

Anything old! There were seriously too many to list that are worth a watch but that happened more than 60 years ago. So, if you're into old movies take a gander at the dated beauties in Part 1 of my original list, or check out classics like Vertigo; Psycho; The Birds; The Night of the Hunter; Leave Her to Heaven; The Uninvited; Bell Book and Candle; Arsenic and Old Lace; etc. Dig around! There's a lot of good ones out there!

The Girl on the Train: When Bad Movies Happen to Good Books

2016-10-09T09:31:00.002-07:00

I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether David Fincher's Gone Girl was a detriment for this movie. Even reading the book The Girl on the Train, there are a lot of similarities with Gone Girl in trying to find a girl who's gone missing, and having a host of untrustworthy narrators. It also doesn't help that Gone Girl is one of the best film adaptations to have happened in the past decade. By comparison, The Girl on the Train feebly delivers a watered-down narrative that could've packed a lot more punch.

The plot mostly centers on Rachel, a woman who turns to alcohol to deal with the split from her husband, who left her to start a family with another woman. To cope with her days, she rides the trains from the suburbs of New York into Manhattan, passing her old home and taking a particular interest in one of the neighboring houses, where a young couple seem to have the picture-perfect life. After seeing something from the train and going to confront the couple in person, Rachel experiences a black-out and, upon waking, learns that the young woman has gone missing. What follows is a tangled narrative as everyone tries to find her, and Rachel struggles to remember what happened that fateful night.

Hmmm, did I murder her...?

First of all, let's all acknowledge the fact that it's hard to squeeze an entire novel into a two-hour film. Books are fluid in that you become intimate with lead characters: you hear their thoughts, see what they see, feel what they feel, and are easily taken into their entire world. Translating that into something that is objectively visual and audial is tricky, and that's where this movie runs into trouble.

The book gives us an intense look at the private thoughts of three very different women: Rachel, our main character; Megan, the girl who has gone missing; and Anna, the woman that Rachel's ex-husband has started a family with. For reasons that I don't really understand, director Tate Taylor decided to eliminate almost ALL of the internal dialogue from the source material. Which is unfortunate, because honestly that's what the bulk of the narrative hinges on: the fact that people keep secrets from each other, and that you never know who anyone truly is.

"Are you a murderer?"

"Idk, are YOU a murderer?"

"Idk."

Since the internal dialogue is missing, the movie then cobbles together a narrative based on the characters' interactions, which leaves the story feeling half-assed and melodramatic. It doesn't help, either, that almost everyone (except Emily Blunt, that beautiful professional) is also a little too pretty in this movie. For themes that rely on the lives of normal people, we are presented with would-be Victoria's Secret model Haley Bennet as she gives a one-dimensional performance as the mysterious, artistic Megan, and beefcake Luke Evans who does his best as her angry, domineering husband, Scott. It reads amateur, almost like a Lifetime movie, where all of the characters are underdeveloped, overly made-up, and someone is always sleeping with someone else's -- wait a second, that's like half the plot of this movie...

It's actually kind of hilarious how well this photo could fit into

the plot of The Girl on the Train. Let that sink in.

I will, however, give a special shout-out to Emily Blunt. Blunt carries the bulk of this movie with a cringe-worthy performance as the constantly drunk Rachel. While it takes a while to understand her perspective, she ends up being a pretty sympathetic lead. Also, shout-out to her cosmetic team: her smeared makeup and puffy face made it hard to believe that she didn't spend at least half of her time on set being actually drunk. So...that's impressive.

5 outa 10. If this was a Lifetime that accidentally made it into theaters, I wouldn't have been surprised. As it is, I'm a little surprised that they gave such a popular adaptation to someone as green as Tate Taylor. Come on, buddy. You can do better.

Lights Out: Horror Flick Puts Fear of the Dark in a New Light

2016-08-12T11:08:00.001-07:00

I don't think there's a fear that's more universal than being scared of the dark. If you have a wild imagination, there's no end to the possibility of the variety of things that might be lurking in it. And while this has been a staple in scary movies for a while, Lights Out lets this theme take the lead in a creative plot that'll have you sleeping with the lights on, just in case.

Hey, you never know.

The story revolves around a mother (Maria Bello), her son Martin (Gabriel Bateman), and his half sister, Rebecca (Teresa Palmer). After the mysterious death of her husband, the mom is kind of losing it, and with a history of mental illness things aren't looking so healthy for Martin's wellbeing. But as the story progresses we soon learn that maybe it's not mental illness alone that's driving her so crazy. A thing known as Diana seems to be affecting her. Only existing in darkness, Diana tries her damnedest to monopolize the mom's time and energy, lashing out violently when she's told to share her. As Rebecca and Martin uncover more about Diana's past and try to help their mom, it's a race against time to see whether their mission will cost them their lives.

"The mom's all yours! Anyway bye!"

Other than the fantastically scary trailer (scroll to the bottom if you haven't seen it), I was drawn in by James Wan's producer credit on this movie. If you've read any of my horror reviews before, James Wan is basically my favorite scary guy of all time and his name on anything is almost a stamp of certainty that I'll see it.

I was not let down.

The movie is original, simple, and damn scary. Director David Sandberg takes something so universal and turns it into a real scare-fest. Diana is scary, and while she's lurking in the shadows, the evidence that we see of her will scare the pants off you. Lots of jumps in this, and lots of old-school horror.

The movie is very self-aware of bringing classic horror to a new front, but does so with themes rather than messing with classic horror plot formulae. Rebecca is a strong independent female character, the story highlights mental illness, and the kid is smart as a whip. We're not feeding into character stereotypes, and that's super refreshing. Teresa Palmer is (fucking gorgeous and) powerful as Rebecca, who can't get over the early loss of her dad but steps up to plate when it comes down to protecting her family, and Maria Bello is convincing as the exhausted mother.

Like why are her eyes so giant and beautiful?? Anyway, I digress...

I can't really expand on the movie too much without giving a bunch away, but suffice it to say that this one puts a new spin on classic horror, and it's definitely a fun watch. Looking forward to where this franchise goes.

8 outa 10. Winner, winner.

(Like, seriously, how scary is this trailer though!?)

Ghostbusters: All-Female Cast Makes Best of No-Win Situation

2016-08-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Honestly, when I first heard that they were remaking the Ghostbusters, my first thought was "Oh no." Another classic that was plunging headlong into unwinnable territory. And though I was intrigued by the direction that they were taking with it (better to go away from your source material than to try and copy it, especially in comedy), I'm sorry to say that my first impression was mostly right.

The plot follows three women who have always had a vested interest in the science behind the paranormal, and who are later joined by another woman who has an extensive knowledge of the city where they live: New York City, of course. As they track isolated incidents of ghosts being a little...overactive, they uncover a madman's plot to try and bring destruction to New York. It's then up to the four new Ghostbusters to try and stop him before his plan is complete.

These ladies gon' kick your ass, evildoer.

The cool thing about this movie is how hard they try to keep it contemporary while still paying tribute to the original. The ghostbusters are now four women, they're all scientists, the comedy is once again improv-based, and the story is set in New York with innumerable homages to the original film. Each comedienne plays her strengths and there's a lot of throw-away lines that keep the movie entertaining in a way that makes a little more sense for 2016.

That being said, the movie is kind of weird in deciding to be a remake and not a continuance of the original. For all the shoutouts that they give the original, it would've probably made more sense for the girls to grow up idolizing the original Ghostbusters and not just inventing a ghost-hunting business from scratch. With an audience that has grown up watching the cartoon series and sipping on Hi-C Ecto-Cooler, the idea of Ghostbusters is far from revolutionary. I would've loved to have seen a plot that acknowledged the past of the Ghostbusters while maybe growing a little more cynical -- I think that would match the 2016 mood perfectly. Also, with a continuance, they could've gone the route of having the inclusion of the old guys without having to give them obscure roles that stand out like sore thumbs. Bill Murray's role is woefully incomplete, and the others settle themselves with roles where they spit out 5 lines before disappearing from the screen altogether.

Anyway see ya later.

I also felt that while each of the four actresses are all hilarious in her own right, their individual versions of comedy have a hard time marrying well in this. In what feels like it should be another Bridesmaids, Wiig's drippy character remains drippy without really going through any kind of metamorphosis, and McCarthy's character isn't allowed the characterization of being weird, nor the whacky scenarios that are so perfect for her brand of improv. It must be said that Kate McKinnon steals that thunder for herself as the Class A Weirdo of the bunch, and Leslie Jones tries her best to balance them all out. All said, it reads a little weird. Maybe it's too many comedians? While the original had four, it was also a different, understated brand of comedy that they just can't copy for modern audiences. It's just too different.

All said, is the new Ghostbusters bad? No. Is it good? No.

Nope. Not even this beautiful specimen could make it better.

To be fair, I think that any remake of the movie would have been given a no-win scenario in which old comedy is trying to be made new. Comedy has evolved so much over the past few decades that any remakes are rendered practically impossible. Look at Dumb and Dumber, or Zoolander 2. Half the time what was funny is now not, and while Ghostbusters tries to sidestep that problem, they end up in the same cheap boat as every other forgettable remake/sequel made after a 20-30 year gap.

6.5 outa 10. A lot of funny moments, but a lack of cohesion and an over-awareness of the original material makes this a disappointingly average comedy. Sorry, ladies.

Finding Dory: Pixar Rips Out Our Heartstrings Once Again

2016-06-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what you might think after looking at my last few reviews, I am not generally a fan of sequels. Broadly speaking, since characters have already been introduced and established in the first film, unplanned sequels can take on a watered-down sort of flavor and plots can seem a little...thrown-together. And while Finding Dory ends up being a pretty good movie, the film doesn't shake this thrown-together feel until you're about halfway through.

The plot follows Dory a year after she and Marlin have (spoiler alert) found Nemo. After her memory gets jogged by something random, she remembers her parents and goes on a quest to Morro Bay, California to find them. On the way, she gets separated from Marlin and Nemo, and has to make her own way while Marlin and Nemo try to (wait for it) find Dory. On the way, she meets a bunch of new characters, remembering things that she hasn't been able to recall in years.

Oh boy!

First of all, I'd like to commend Pixar on once again ripping my goddamn heart out. Between Baby Dory's sweet little baby angel voice (WHICH KILLED ME), the fact that she's lost her parents at the age of like 3 years old, and the fact that they keep having to run around in circles all around this damn place trying to find everyone -- I may be overly sensitive but this movie killed me. It's not like Pixar is ever coy with breaking your heart, but good lord. They just spent an entire movie trying to find Marlin's son, and now they've gotta break our hearts all over again as they try and figure out how Marlin and Nemo can find Dory. It's too much, Pixar. Can we have some sunshine and rainbows next time please? Kthanks.

Alright, back into adult critic mode.

Good things: this is not Pixar's first rodeo. While I may just be overly emotional, the fact that I cried at a forgetful baby fish with giant eyes only proves that Pixar is a veritable wizard at playing people's emotions. This is a very heartfelt tale of someone trying to reconnect to their roots and to find a portion of their past. It's extremely poignant, especially the ending, without being sappy, and funny without being cheap. And of course it's a masterpiece of computer animation as all Pixar films are (how they get the ocean to look 100% real is beyond me). All told, it's a well-made film, if not the masterpiece that is Finding Nemo.

It's not you, it's your predecessor.

Now the things that bugged me: in terms of flow, the movie reads a little wonky. The first half is so jumpstarted that it's a little bewildering. Not even ten minutes after getting a first glimpse of her original life with her parents, we're thrust back into the "present" for about five minutes only to then be thrust right back into the past as Dory begins to remember things.A few jump-cuts later and we're already in Morro Bay. After about 45 minutes in, the movie finally finds its pace and the audience can settle in, but the first third of the movie is so bewilderingly jumpy in contrast to the meandering adventure of the first...it's just a little jarring.

Also, this movie has a totally different vibe than Nemo. Since this movie is told largely through Dory's eyes, there's also an underlying anxiety in this sequel that isn't present in the first. In the first one at least she has a chaperone to help her out. And while a lot of this movie is about her being able to navigate her own way as an adult with a disability, it creates so much tension that the movie ends up being a lot more on-edge than its predecessor. Far from being a determined rescue adventure with a set destination, most of the movie is spent with each character running around in circles as they keep on missing each other by inches. And with Dory's shaky memory plopped on top of that exasperating run-around, it's a wonder that anyone finds anyone.

7 outa 10.

LISTEN TO SWEET BABY DORY FISH'S VOICE IN THIS TRAILER.

The Conjuring 2: Not for the Faint of Heart

2016-06-11T13:03:00.003-07:00

Went ghost for a little while but now I'm back. What am I reviewing, you may be asking yourself (if you're bad at noticing titles)? Will it be the latest Avengers movie? Will it be a low-key indie film? Will it be Warcraft?!

Nay.

We're going to be discussing The Conjuring's amazing second installment, otherwise known as (wait for it)....The Conjuring 2.

Honestly, how they come up with these names for sequels

I will never have any idea.

Let's get down to the plot: Ed and Lorraine Warren (graciously played by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are back slaying evil in this amazing sequel to The Conjuring. After gaining some insight into Lorraine's personal demons (like, literally) at the beginning of the movie, we're whisked away to London, where a family is experiencing some disturbances in their home. Young Janet, eleven years old, thinks she's being tormented by an evil spirit with a sinister agenda. It throws her from her bed, trashes her family's house, and frequently uses her as a host through which to speak. After the church gets wind of the disturbances, they send Ed and Lorraine out to London to assess the situation and see if the claims have any depth. It's then up to them to tell whether the whole thing is a hoax or whether they're putting themselves in extreme danger.

The fantastic thing about this sequel is (despite it's horrendous title) its originality and how it plays with your head -- and this is why James Wan is a goddamn horror master. You enter the theater expecting a straightforward scary story: there's a definite evil presence, you have a sympathetic view of the main character, and then the presence either wins or is vanquished. But the movie takes it a little further than that. This movie is a bit long, setting itself up (most horror movies run about an hour and a half -- this one is two and a quarter), but it weaves an intricate question throughout itself: "Is this girl actually possessed?" The audience's trust of the Warrens and their doubt in the girl's situation make you legitimately wonder despite the overwhelming evidence. But it's the ending that really pays off here, explaining everything. This movie's also a great example of how directors can get creative with the paranormal and make up their own rules.

Moving onto the most important part of any horror movie: was it actually scary?

Honestly, this movie was way scarier than I had anticipated. And thank god I saw this in a theater of like-minded scaredy cats and we all screamed in unison.

How do you outdo an evil, 16th-century witch?

Oh, just make a demonic nun, totally cool.

So often horror sequels (and even originals) rely on a series of repetitive pop-ups to frighten you, and the effect turns cheesy -- especially with a subpar cast. But in The Conjuring 2, the characters aren't stupid, and the forms that the spirit takes are really frighteningly and surprisingly diverse. This is another way that Wan really stirs up some amazing horror: The "monster" is never redundant. Fear is based on the unknown, and he does a brilliant job of letting evil be unpredictable. Is it in the house? Is it outside? Is it possessing the girl again? Is it walking around on its own? Is it an old man? A nun? The crooked man?

(Spoiler alert: I screamed embarrassingly loud whenever the crooked man showed up.

Prepare yourself.)

Really, I can't divulge too much without giving everything away, but suffice it to say that this is one sequel that is done incredibly well. The suspense sustains itself, the questions keep on popping up, and the acting is great. Wan knows what scares people, and he creates movies that get under your skin, creating an atmosphere where everything is unpredictably terrifying.

9 outa 10. Excellent classic horror movie.

Omg, even this trailer tho...

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2: Like the First One, Minus the Magic

2016-03-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

Oh MBFGW2. My sweet baby child. I've gotta be honest, the speed with which Hollywood studios are cranking out sequels to beloved "new classics" didn't have me optimistic when I was walking into the theater. Frankly, the only reason I decided to see it was because my best friend and I have both seen and quoted the original more times than is feasibly countable. "There is a hole in this cake." "Iss okay, I make lamb." "There you go." "E-yahn Meeler." (Literally any time I've met anyone named Ian. Sorry to all you Ians out there.) Anyway, this seemed like more of an obligation than anything else.

LOOK EVEN THE POSTER IS THE SAME.

The plot (somehow) begins 17 years after Ian and Tula have gotten married. Their kid Paris (worst name ever) is in high school, where Ian Miller (John Corbett) is now the principal. Tula (Nia Vardalos) is still working at her family's restaurant, and is taking care of her parents as they advance further into old age. The main story follows both Tula and Ian as they work on their marriage, Tula and Pairs as they try to deal with her going off to college, and Gus and Maria as they decide to make their marriage legal (due to a paperwork flaw).

I feel like the paragraph above should sum up how all over the place the movie is. Honestly, all that MBFGW2 is is a vehicle to further the personalities of the original film. But in this sequel it simply doesn't hold water. Whereas in the first film there were regular insights and heart to each of the characters despite their overblown obnoxious qualities, the second film forgets itself and decides, instead, to stock up on cheap laughs. This works for some of the characters (Aunt Voula literally saves this entire film from being boring, and Gus delivers some sweet feelings in some parts), but for the most part the lack of central narrative is distracting.

I'd rather have seen Aunt Voula's Big Fat Greek Opinion on Everything

There is a weird mixture here, too, of amateur actors vs. old hats. While the characters of Gus, Maria, and Aunt Voula (played by old pros) can give some depth to the story working with what they've got, a subpar script makes the work by the newbies gratingly abrasive. Even Nia Vardalos who played the role of Tula in the first film so embarrassedly and so sweet seems to have turned a corner in which all of her bits scream "I AM ACTING. THIS IS ACTING. LOOK AT ME ACTING RIGHT NOW." I couldn't figure out if it was her trying to convey that the old "frump girl" Tula was gone for good, or whether she's become so self-aware that the role completely lacks the authentic vulnerability of the original. (Hint: I'm pretty sure it's the latter.)

Also, I'm so sorry, but I felt the part of Paris (played by Elena Kampouris) was done horrendously. While the acting by the original cast is a little clunky, the character of Paris falls completely flat. With hairstyles that rival the Lizzie Maguire 'dos of 2001 and the emotional depth of an emo 12-year-old, Paris's annoyance at her family is her only quality. We never learn another single thing about her. What does she want to go to college for? What does she think about her parents' marriage? Why these puzzling hairdos? Instead of focusing on the new idea of being a first-generation kid with a mixed heritage, the film cheaply compensates with the leftovers of the original. There could've been a cohesive plot there, Vardalos! What were you thinking!?

Like, what is this. What's happening here.

5 outa 10. A handful of laughs, but I'm tired of these dumb sequels that just sell off the bits of the original and fill the rest in with fluff.

The Witch: Well Done, Different, and Horrifying

2016-03-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen a horror movie this well-made, or this depressing, in a very long time. Honestly, when I saw the trailer, I thought it was going to be a lofty, artsy kind of horror, more along the lines of It Follows (which I wasn't very fond of) than The Conjuring (which I loooooved). But I got the pleasant surprise of discovering that it's sort of a mishmash of traditional horror and something a bit more artistic.

"Dear Lord, lmk if my daughter's a witch, kthanksamen."

Here's our plot:

The movie starts off by showing us a family leaving their home at a colonial plantation. There's a mother, a father, two girls, and three boys. After making a home for themselves in a random field, things are not going in their favor. The corn crop is no good and they're having trouble trapping animals for meat. Soon after these things come in succession, the family's eldest daughter, Thomasin, is playing with her baby brother outside, when suddenly he's gone, disappeared. While this is viewed as a strange tragedy, and one that the mother never seems to recover from, the family can never find closure on what actually happened to him. Then stranger things start to happen. Caleb, the second oldest child, gets lost in the woods, and the parents are distraught. With one coincidence piled on top of the other, the idea crops up whether they have a witch on their hands causing them all of this pain and suffering. The film then speculates whether the family will believe the truth on faith alone.

Can you handle it? I pose that you cannot.

What I really loved about this film is that it's so original. We often see horror movies where people get killed off and you're left to sit there wondering who the murderer is, but rarely is there a well-made horror film in which the characters seriously accuse one of their own of being possessed. And the isolation of the family makes the film even more dreadfully horrifying. With no one to bear witness to what's happening besides themselves, and with a zealous faith that defies reason, it's a breeding ground for paranoia.

WARNING: SPOILERS. SPOILERS EVERYWHERE.

The other amazing thing about this movie -- which I wasn't expecting -- is that there is an actual witch. I feel like so often anymore, it's an infuriating habit for films to be like "Idk, WAS she a witch? I leave that to interpretation." That drives me insane. Was she or wasn't she. I don't want to have to read through a 30-page analysis of your film before I learn that it was about the gas crisis in the 1970s and not about witches at all. Yes. There is a real witch in this. And the film makes it a point to show her early-on so that we have no doubt as to the foul play. But it also takes careful time to make sure that you can see how the family would think Thomasin is a witch, too. And that's what makes it good. Thomasin isn't crazy religious, she is so unfortunately present when each tragedy strikes, and messing with her siblings really comes back to bite her in the ass. But the question lingers in the back of our minds how the movie will end. Is she really a witch after all? That duality plays out so incredibly well. It's impressive.

"God, srsly, is Thomasin a witch or what."

Actually, this movie ended up reminding me a lot of The Shining, where you have a family in an isolated situation that could tempt insanity, but where evil is also very clearly present. Would the family accuse their eldest daughter of being a witch if they were back in England? Is there a spell over the woods too? The soundtrack seems to suggest so! (Side note: the soundtrack and a bunch of other shots seriously reminded me of The Shining as well, maybe it's an homage.)

OKAY WE'RE DONE WITH THE SPOILERS.

The only bummer of this movie is that it's so damn depressing. Colonial times were rough enough without having to wonder whether your kids were possessed by the devil. And it's not like there were any psychiatrists around to talk you down when one of your kids went mysteriously missing. The movie is incredibly bleak, but because of this the scares really do scare a bit more effectively than they might've otherwise.

Set-wise this was also very different. The last colonial horror movie I remember seeing is An American Haunting, and the setting alone makes things incredibly creepy. Makes evil seem so ancient and unconquerable compared to slasher or supernatural films that are set today. At least we can call a priest when we need him!

8.5 outa 10. Incredibly creepy -- and this movie doesn't rely on cheap jumps, it messes with your head.

Deadpool: The Superhero Flick We Didn't Know We Needed

2016-03-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

Remember when Guardians of the Galaxy came out? What a time to be alive, right? A superhero movie starring Chris Pratt that was super self aware, wasn't afraid to make fun of itself and its genre and was just good, old-fashioned, self-depricating humor.

Well then Deadpool comes along.

And while Guardians of the Galaxy is your new-wave family comedy, Deadpool is the adult comedy that we've all been waiting for.

Hi, I'm here to make super hero movies bearable for people your age.

Deadpool follows Wade Wilson, a (sort of?) hit man who now begrudgingly helps the weak. But he's no little bitch (his words, I'm sure, not mine). Life seems to be going pretty well for Wade, especially after he picks up a hot chick at a strip club and they discover that they're soul mates. There's one bummer though: Wade gets cancer. No, this is not a Fault in Our Stars scenario. In fact, Wade tries to think of ways to dodge this illness and comes up empty, until he's approached by a government man who says that he can cure him by causing his body to mutate. (Side note: this story takes place in the X-Men universe, so mutants are a thing.) After abandoning his girlfriend until he can cure himself, Wade goes through an excruciating process that's meant to pump his mutant genes into action. Needless to say, there's a nefarious head doctor. He ends up torturing Wade to the point that he gains insane healing powers, but at the cost of his dashing good looks. Wade then makes it his mission to seek his revenge on the doctor to get his looks back to normal, and ultimately marry the girl of his dreams.

But will he do it!?

So that's the plot, but I feel like I'm not doing justice to the tone of this movie.

It's like Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool. The character is such a smart-ass, hilarious, lewd guy, and that is totally unexpected from most of the super hero movies that we're used to. Not to say that we don't get quips from Iron Man and or that most of the superhero movies that we've seen lately haven't stepped their game up in poking fun of the genre, but this takes it to a whole new level. Deadpool slays any expectation that the audience would've had at seeing a decent, upstanding citizen on the screen -- and the audience has been more than happy to root for an anti-hero that isn't plagued by alcoholism or inner demons or other things that bring down the mood (see: Jessica Jones or The Dark Knight).

To add to this unusual bundle of traits, Deadpool also has a tendency to break the fourth wall*. The character reveals plot holes, mentions budgets, and talks to the audience in a way that is so unusual, yet so refreshing. We know he's in a movie -- and so does he! (Side note: Deadpool is also notorious for doing this in the comics, if you care to look up some examples.)

Get it?

Honestly, one of the things that makes this movie so successful is that it's completely self-aware. It reacts to stereotypes in superhero tropes, making fun of them while simultaneously admitting that they're pretty f***ing cool. And it has fun. It's like hanging out with your older brother's hilarious, douchebag best friend for an hour and a half. Like, is he pretty gross and lewd? Sure. But is he real as hell and quick with comebacks? Hell yeah. Do you admire him for reasons that you don't understand? Exactly.

9 outa 10. Deadpool is refreshing and completely current for an audience who's tired of tropes.

Side note: ALL of the 90s R&B in this movie alone makes it worth seeing. That is all.

*Oh hey! Welcome to learning more about "breaking the fourth wall." "Breaking the fourth wall" is a term for when characters address an audience, or otherwise allude to the fact that they're in a work of fiction. This happens a lot in theater, when characters ask audience members for advice, or talk to them directly, before retreating back into the world of the work. Click here for examples.

Carol: Not Bad, Even Though It Didn't Win Any Oscars

2016-03-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

In a classic Annie J. move of seeing an Oscar film when it's no longer speculative who's going to win which awards (by the way, Mad Max was an amazing film and deserved those 6 Oscars, just sayin), I went and saw Carol this past Sunday.

To be perfectly honest, I would've much rather have seen Room or Spotlight but as I have no access to OnDemand stuff and I hate watching things on my laptop (stared at Room on iTunes for a good 2 minutes before exiting the program) Carol was what I was working with. Also I love Cate Blanchett and the sets and costumes in this looked incredible.

Just look how pretty. LOOK.

Here's our plot:

Therese (Rooney Mara) is just a regular city girl: she works in a department store, she has a boyfriend, and she isn't really anything special. But all of that changes when Carol Aird walks into the toy department where she's working. After asking for Therese's advice on a Christmas gift for her daughter, Carol leaves her gloves on the counter. Womp womp. But Therese tracks down her address and sends them back to her. To say thank you, Carol invites her out to lunch. (This isn't central to the plot but I must make a note of this: they eat poached eggs with creamed spinach -- is that not the most 1950s meal you could ever imagine? Anyway..) Things start to get a little out of the ordinary, though, when Carol keeps on pressing Therese to meet with her -- though Therese is more than happy to oblige. Going to her house, asking if she can go to hers, etc. And they start to get to know each other. The whole time this is happening, Carol is going through a messy divorce with her husband, Harge (Kyle Chandler), who's aware that she's dated women in the past and isn't thrilled about her fling with Therese. The rest of the movie follows the two women as they begin to understand each other and as their romances comes up against the expectations of a 1950s society.

Spoiler alert: 1950s society isn't thrilled.

First of all: this movie is gorgeous. The colors are rich, the setting is spot-on, and the costumes are beautiful. And the whole feel of the movie comes to life under the cinematography of Edward Lachman, who also did The Virgin Suicides and, most noteworthy as of late, HBO's mini-series Mildred Pierce. Under his eye, there's a beautiful mixing of the real-life, wintry and cold-bright New York City and the muted tones of the softly lit interiors where Carol and Therese get to speak to one another one-on-one. Interesting perspectives make this too, as we look out of a foggy window in a cab, hover outside an apartment building as youth party inside, and hear a lot of off-screen dialogue while the camera meanders to show us where it's coming from.

So. Yes. Beautiful.

Where I ran into trouble with this film was in the acting. While Carol seems to be attempting to live her life the way that she wants, and that's reflected very well in Cate Blanchett's portrayal of the character I think, there's a wooden quality to Therese that I had a hard time sympathizing with for most of the movie. While Carol is treading carefully, there's a certainty to her actions that makes them unmistakeable. Therese, however, is more watery, happy to float along in Carol's wake while somewhat lacking in her own personality. As a result, I found their chemistry a little hard to believe. Therese seems entranced by Carol and befuddled by her own actions, like a minnow bewitched by the light of an anglerfish.

Anglerfish. For reference.

I will say, though, that what plays out well is the movie's tone. There is an air of caution to everything that they do, which I think reflects the attitudes of the era pretty well. It isn't an exploitation film that centers on how repressed desire plays out in the bedroom (please see: Blue is the Warmest Color). Rather, it contemplates how cautious 1950s queer women had to have been to make advances towards other women, even when you knew they were interested too. The muted tone here is very well done. I just wish there'd been a little less caution and a little more chemistry. Especially when they're alone. Natural chemistry is finding easy conversation and laughter, and I found that to be absent here.

7.5 outa 10. Long story short: Beautiful movie, but a little self-contained, even for the era that it's presenting to the audience.

Let's see if this trailer is vague enough for you...

The Revenant: If You Like Being Murdered and Getting Stuck in the Plains

2016-01-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen Apocalypto? Did you like it? If so The Revenant may be for you. A movie so intense that murder is one of its low points. I probably don't have to tell you what this is about, but let's get into it.

The year is 1820-something. Hugh Glass and his son, Hawk, are trackers, and part of a fur trapping expedition in the American wilderness. After the company's camp is attacked by native Americans, the remaining men try to make it back to the fort where their company is based. Which works pretty okay-- until Glass gets attacked by a bear. Miraculously, though he survives the attack, he significantly slows down the journey back to the fort. After three men are enlisted to stay behind and care for him, a mistake and betrayal is made and tragedy strikes. Glass is left for dead. There's only one problem -- he's not. The remainder of the film is seeing Glass fight his way back to the fort while touching in on what's happened to the rest of company, the native Americans who first attacked them, and the innumerable other, untrackable people that inhabit the American wilderness.

The main thing that The Revenant does well is to make you stop and think about how incredible it is that anyone survived the West at all. Watching each step that the men make in trying to reach safety is nothing short of miraculous. Never mind Glass cheating death, infection, and a lot of other things, even the men who are in good health have their safety threatened every single day. Between rival fur trappers and the native Americans defending their land, it's a small wonder that anyone would survive and then decide to take up permanent residence there.

The Revenant also does a good job of not playing Good Guy/Bad Guy. Throughout the movie we get to see the perspectives of not only the newly settled Americans, but also the French, and the native tribes who were there before either of them. We also get to see a full spectrum of how easy it would be to become paranoid in those days, and untrusting of the minimal company that surrounded you day-to-day.

"You hear that?"

And now for the not-so-good.

To be honest, this is one of those films that I wish I hadn't heard about. I tried to turn a blind eye to all of the hype that it was getting but heard a few tidbits here and there about the things that the crew had been through in the reach for authenticity. But to be honest, it made the movie incredibly distracting. "Wonder if those shoes are real...Could you really outlive a bear attack like that...Wonder what the rate of infection is for a grizzly attack like this..." and of course "Jeez, wouldn't that kill you?....Wouldn't THAT kill you?...Okay, seriously, how is he not dead yet..."

The other thing that bothered me, and maybe this is just my foolish, outdated desire for everything to be black and white, is that I wasn't vehemently rooting for Glass.

SPOILER ALERT

So for those who have seen the movie, you know that Glass's son is murdered by Fitzgerald. The movie suggests that there is an ulterior motive for this happening. However, I couldn't stop thinking that, when you take into account everything that happens before this, his actions are understandable, though they may be the result of extreme paranoia and racism. It's not as though he was out to murder the kid for sport. Half of his scalp is missing, for God's sake. If we're to notice this, we can then take Fitzgerald to be a die-hard survivalist in a land where there's no honor and no rules. While it is of course despicable to murder another human being, looking at the way these guys live their lives, I would consider a teenager shouting at the top of his lungs to be a huge liability, and especially after seeing 35 of my colleagues murdered I might make an impulse decision as well (okay probably not murder, but who knows, I've never been a white guy in 1820s America before). While Glass's survival is still incredible, it makes the ending scene a little more thought-provoking. Maybe that's why they decided to make Glass shove Fitzgerald downstream in the way that they did.

Anyway.

OK IT'S SAFE

The other thing that has been bugging me is why THIS is being tagged as Leo's Academy Award-winning performance. I would've much rather seen him get nominated for Shutter Island or Inception or a movie where he gets to show a little more depth of emotion and character. Are there scenes in this where he does that? Absolutely. Are they overshadowed by his eating of a raw buffalo liver or whatever? In this critic's eyes, yes.

7 outa 10. Is The Revenant a good movie? Yes. Was it my kind of movie? Not really. Lack of dialogue and gruesome violence were a turn-off for me -- though it must be said that it's all incredibly well done.

Star Wars: The Force is Waking Up

2015-12-20T18:12:00.001-08:00

So first of all: hello again. It's been a while.

Second of all: holy crap, if there was a movie that I needed to write about, this one was it.

In taking in the monumental franchise that is Star Wars, I should lead with the disclaimer that I'm not a Star Wars zealot. My plan was to try and see Star Wars and, if it was sold out, to then check out Sisters. But I will say that in being partially removed from the franchise as a whole (i.e. I had only seen the original 3 movies twice, as well as seeing The Phantom Menace) I was able to watch it a little more objectively.

And it's freakin' incredible.

YE BE WARNED: SPOILERS. SPOILERS EVERYWHERE.

The story kicks off several decades after we last saw our heroes. The Dark Side has been replaced by a neo-regime called the First Order, which is basically the same thing, and the Rebels have been replaced by the Resistance, which is also basically the same thing. The action begins when a member of the Resistance hides a map to Luke Skywalker's location in a droid unit, who is then found by our main character Rey. After a storm trooper (discovering that life in plastic may not be fantastic) deserts the First Order and crashes on her planet, it is up to the two of them to keep the map from reaching the First Order. Along the way, they bump into some old faces, new villains, surprising family ties (again) and a ton of adventure.

And of course weird names. Like Kylo Ren.

There seems to be a consciousness of what was done wrong in the last trio of Star Wars films, or maybe J.J. Abrams just adds in a much-needed new flavor for this series. In this newest version, there is a balance in everything between the new and the nostalgic. The effects are balanced between CGI and practical, appeasing lovers of the originals, without making them look anachronistic. The characters are both new and familiar, introducing us to new heroes while still dipping back to the most beloved parts of the original films (I'm talking about 4-6, obviously). And the overall feel of the movies has been done cleverly as well: being humorous in a way that is very current while still keeping in mind the lore of the series itself (please see: storm troopers have not improved their aim).

And these two together have a great chemistry!

Honestly, while I'm not going to launch into another diatribe about how movies now like to be annoyingly long, I was pleasantly surprised about how quickly this film moves. There is not a moment wasted on long shots or on anything else that is stylistically "cutting-edge" without adding anything to the plot. The story propels itself forward and the actors in the cast are so marvelous in their roles that two hours and change flew by without me even noticing.

While it must be said that the balance that Lucas finds in this film relies heavily on the fact that a lot of the material is recycled, it's enough at this point to have new characters, however similar their struggles may be to their predecessors.

9.5 outa 10. The effects, acting, story, and everything else were perfect. Check it out.

(As if you haven't seen this, but here you go:)

Crimson Peak: Beware It or Something

2015-10-24T10:52:00.001-07:00

I've got to say, Guillermo can nab me on style every time, and his narratives are interesting, but this one fell a little flat.

Beware this place, apparently.

It all starts with Edith being haunted by the ghost of her dead mother, who warns her to "beware of Crimson Peak" when she is only a child. Fast forward a couple years and Edith grows up to become a headstrong woman trying to become a writer, a fact that becomes totally irrelevant to the plot when she meets Baronet Thomas Sharpe. They meet after Sharpe botches a meeting with Edith's father, a rich man who isn't interested in Sharpe's noble status or his made-up contraption for digging clay out of the Sharpe family's grounds. Edith falls in love with Sharpe and, after a series of strange, unfortunate events, agrees to marry him. When she arrives at his mansion, however, things start to become more sinister. Sharpe's sister, Lucille, is always acting like a weirdo, refusing to give Edith keys, acting standoffish, and always making her this gross tea. As Edith encounters the house's ghosts, we learn that Crimson Peak (a nickname for the manor, she learns once she's arrived) is home to some nasty secrets.

Here's what I liked:

Again, Guillermo doesn't not mess around when it comes to aesthetics. Between sets and costumes, the movie is nothing if not lush. Bright colors and beautiful fabrics dominate the entire screen, and even distracts a little from the story itself.

Look at those sleeves. Look at that collar. Good god.

The second thing I liked was the way he did the ghosts. I don't know how he gets away with it, but Guillermo del Toro is one of the rare people who can actually show you the true form of the monster hiding in the dark and still have you effectively scared. It's hard to evoke horror in plain sight, but he does it extremely well. The ghosts are grisly and scary without trying to look overly realistic and the mystical realism there works.

Here's where we had some problems:

The plot gets twisted up in itself a little too much from the get-go and leaves no room for the element of surprise. The movie announces to the audience that the Sharpes are suspicious folk right off the bat with phrases like "There's something funny about those two," baiting you. Which is actually kind of a shame, because without voicing concerns about the Sharpes' characters, things would be much more interesting. Instead of holding suspense and leading us to make our own assumptions about the character of these nobles, we're instead made to wait until the end like impatient kids at Christmas. We don't know what is it that they are doing nor why they are doing it but we know damn well that SOMEthing fishy is going on. Why dangle the surprise in front of our faces? Because of this, a plot twist that may have hit the audience with a bang instead deflates with a lame pffffttt. Additionally, Guillermo decides to stack on ANOTHER surprise because apparently one isn't enough, but it ends up reading as an afterthought.

Lucille, looking very suspicious.

6.5 outa 10. Long story short: Crimson Peak is a gorgeous-looking film full of jumps and scares, but a plodding narrative keeps the movie from reaching its potential.