Life, Love, and Being Mom

Book Club idea/Coffee Pages Updated

2012-06-01T21:00:00.003-07:00

So, as I was updating the Coffee Pages page, I got to thinking that it would be nice to have a book club. I have a few emails and facebook posts that I get with free Books for the Kindle. I thought that these books would be a great start for starting a book club with.

The Basic Idea:

I will pick the book (I will take suggestions), and post it on the Coffee Pages page of this blog. I can also post a blog on the main page about it. As we are reading we can discuss the book, either here on the blog or I can create a facebook page for it.
We will choose one book per month. Non-kindle users would have to buy the book, or download the Kindle app for their phones, (which I am told is free and you don't have to have a Kindle to download it.

Hence the name Coffee Pages, I will also post a coffee of the month from Starbucks...(Everywhere has one of those (well OK except Oroville, but we have one close) that will be the flavor of the month to go along with our reading. If you don't drink coffee that is OK, its not like I am making you drink it, nor am I making you go to Starbucks, (though everyone should go to Starbucks and love coffee! IMO)

Now this means you have to subscribe to the blog so you can comment on this blog and let me know if any of you out there thinks this a good idea. It is just an idea, so if no one wants to participate, I will just continue drinking my Starbucks (or Good Earth) coffee and reading my books on my own.

Until next time.....

To Steve...

2012-05-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Now keep in mind it has taken me a long time to be able to say this and mean it. It does not mean that I condone is attitude or current behavior, however, this song is definitely for my ex-husband. Here is why:

He did stand by me for many of the years that we were married. I am the person I am today because (and some in spite of) of him. When I needed him to be, he was there, he was my strength. While he may hate me now, he is the one for many years who did believe in me.
When I was in the hospital he was there for me. He stood by side and he did what was needed to be done. He got someone to watch the kids and make sure they were taken care of.

While we may not see eye to eye on anything any more, we did while we were married. We never went to bed mad...(at least not until the end) and he was the best part of me for a long time. He gave me 4 beautiful and amazing children. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful to him for that. Life today would be completely different had he not been apart of my life.

The person he has become aside, he was an amazing father while he cared to be one, he was a great husband (and I admit a lot of the time I never paid attention). Hindsight really is 20/20. I do believe that God put us together, but neither of us really knew what to do when the going got tough, and with my stubborness and temper, I am sure it was not easy to get my attention. Life got in the way and that was both our faults not just his. He and I will be the only two who truly knew how great our marriage was for awhile. Had we trusted in God and had the faith of a mustard seed, who knows where we would be today. So while I do put a lot of blame on his shoulders, I do know that there is some I need to take too.

This song always makes me think of him. I can at least be thankful he most likely does not read my blog or even know it exists, so he won't see how sappy and nice I can be.

Betcha didn't see this coming when you all read the title did you.... :)

Until next time...

Coffee Shop Blog...

2012-05-29T10:52:00.001-07:00

There is something about sitting in a coffee shop that makes me want to write, whether it be my blog, or just in general. I simply enjoy sitting here, drinking my coffee and writing. It's also fun to watch the people that come in and sit and conversate.
There is a mix of people, old, young, couples, people by themselves and students. People working on their laptops or reading on their kindles or even just talking. The environment of The Good Earth (my fave coffee shop) is calming, inviting and allows you to relax. It just seems natural for the creativity to flow.
What is your favorite place to relax? (I expect comments lol, I know you people are reading :D) At the coffee shop I don't have kids running around, asking me to find their clarinet, shoes, toys or whatever else tends to be missing at the moment. Seriously I could live here and be quite simply happy.

Have you ever sat in your coffee shop and wondered what possess people to wear what they do? Call me vain, but I don't leave the house in my pajamas (unless I know 100% I am NOT getting out of my car) and I brush my hair, put my makeup on and wear clean clothes. What's with the ratty, holy, tank tops that are so stretched out, they are not holding anything in and the shorts that unless you are a size 00 you should never consider walking out of the house in? What happened to dressing for your size? I'm not a size 00 or even a size 10, and I don't wear short shorts, shirts that don't completely cover me up, in fact I am looking for clothes that hide the flabby parts (gotta love having kids) not completely show them off. I'm just saying...dress for your size and everyone is happy and you look better.

And make up....wasn't the concept suppose to be to look natural or at least to enhance your facial features? The eye makes some of these people are wearing is scary, I mean clowns would back away! I am here to tell you all right now, if you take one thing away from this blog today....Yellow eyeshadow does NOTHING, I mean it, NOTHING for anyone! It looks horrible. Your makeup should enhance not take over, it should cover, not be painted on with a trowel!! Don't even get me started on the "Goth" or "Emo" looks, because quite simply those are scary not attractive...just sayin!

OK enough on the people watching tirade,

Summer is coming and I hope you all enjoy it! I plan too...somehow! :) I want it to fly by, not crawl at the speed of a turtle taking a sleeping pill....just sayin...

Until next time.....

A Single Mom Friday Night

2012-05-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

Friday night. The end of the week and the day to unwind after such a long week. When your single its party night, when your married it might be date night, but when you are single with children there is a whole new theory to Friday night.
It begins (or at least tonight it did) at about 7pm. I had a date with two very handsome men and a little princess (OK she's not so little but I'm not ready to admit and she's not ready to give up the barbies soo..). We had a drink of milk and a pancake dinner while watching the very thrilling and suspenseful movie, Rio. Did I shave my legs for this? No, but it needed to be done.
The night ended with my 3 dates falling asleep and I tending to the bathroom clean up and putting the laundry away. Friday night scrub-the-toilet-night, and in bed by 10:30.
So here I sit in my pajamas (like I have been all night) my glamorous ponytail hairdo, no makeup and in bed yawning. We call this Family Date Night. The weekdays are full of school, activities, errands, school for mom, homework, cleaning and the myriad of things that are involved when you are raising four children on your own.

I could be single without kids, go to the club, hook up (that is still what they call it right?!) and get drunk, while waking up in the morning trying to figure out who's house I am at, how I got there and exactly how much did I drink last night? I could be wearing a mini skirt(well we are in fantasy land right), 6 inch heels and a halter top, make up and hair done and looking dressed to kill (probably myself in the 6 inch heels). I truly think I got the better end of the deal (minus the toilet scrubbing, that kind of sucks).

So Cheers and Happy Friday (and 3 day weekend for Kids who are in school) to you all.

Until next time.....

Will the Real YOU Please Stand Up.....

2012-05-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

Everyday we make choices. We make plans based on the choices we have made. We get married, have children, follow a career path and these are choices we made. Some choices we had no part of, like being born, or who our parents are. These are choices made by other people that directly affect our lives, but we never think about the choices others have made for us.

We choose the paths we end up following and we only truly have ourselves to blame when the pieces don't fit anymore. Sure, we can't plan for the choices others make and that impact the course of our lives, but we can think more carefully about the choices we make in the future. The future is an unwritten story, one that we can write the ending to just by making better choices. The past can not be undone, but the future has yet to be written and therefore offers a bit of hope.

Who do you want to be from this moment on? Are you defined by your roles in life or the choices you have made? The regrets of the past need to be buried in order to move on. No one truly cares about what you do, but they do care about how what you do or where you end up affects them. What about wishes and wanting something you only THINK you want? There is a saying we all need to pay more attention to: "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it." I may have even said it in this blog before.

Is who you are working for you? If not, then let me tell you something you should already know, you need to change. I don't mean recreate yourself or change who you are, you need to start being who you really are. The real you is the one that needs to be shown to the world. Yet we hide who we are to protect ourselves. We play roles that we think we are suppose to play because that is what our families or society tells us is right. Its time to fight for what really matters: You!

We started being this facade of ourselves about the time we could comprehend what was expected from us. Who is the real you? The one you hide from the world in your journal or behind a wall that is so thick a jackhammer would have a hard time penetrating it. Who are you hiding yourself from? The one person you can't hide from is yourself and how can you look in the mirror when what looks back at you is a stranger?

Until next time....

You said what?!?

2012-05-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

At the grocery store yesterday, I overhear a guy talking on his phone, (and you say we girls talk a lot), saying he doesn’t understand how on earth his wife could possibly think that her staying home with the kids all day is harder than going to work all day. The poor baby has to go to work every day and even on the weekends sometimes. Oh and he has a boss to deal with, and deadlines (Oh my), and he has actual work to do! How he would love to babysit (WHAT?! Babysit your own kids?!) all day and get to stay in his pajamas all day if he chooses (hey buddy even Peg Bundy got dressed). Hell half the time he is not sure she even brushes her teeth (are you kidding me, leave her!). Motherhood, he states, the job of women who are lazy and lack ambition, seriously, (You’re not seriously wondering why you don’t get sex often anymore are you buddy??). How hard can it be, he tells his friend, to wipe up spilled cheerios and watch TV all gosh darn day?

With the amount of respect he so obviiiiiously has for his wife, I can’t figure out my reluctance to take that road again! I want to smack him for his wife and save her the domestic dispute and spousal abuse charges, Mr. Sunshine would obviously charge her with.

Only about a million responses immediately flew to my head! Lazy and lack ambition? OK I have heard that before, but to say it about your own wife? The woman, who carried YOUR child for 9 months, gave birth and now gives up her career to be a mom to the child you two created? Oh buddy I would run! She must be a saint or blind!

How do you think your laundry gets done? What about the clean house to and who do you think cooks your dinner? Unless, and I highly doubt it, you have a maid, a cook and a laundry service your baby sitter did all that! Do you think little magic fairies arrive when you leave and *POOF* everything is magically done at the wave of a wand or twitch of a nose? (Oh how we all wish we could be Samantha Stevens)

So, to the overworked, probably under paid and absolute ray of sunshine, in the store, get a clue moron! We have bosses too, they just come in smaller packages, wear diapers, throw bottles at us and puke all over us daily, OR they come in the package of a demon possessed teenager who only knows, “I hate you”, “you ruined my life” or some other adorable explanation like that. They dictate our daily schedules 24/7, at least you get to leave your boss at the office ours climbs in our bed at night when they have a nightmare!

We once had figures that looked like a figure, we had time on our hands to do what we wanted and go where we want, now it’s about ballet, baseball and PTA! Don’t get me started on deadlines! With our bosses it is now, Now, NOW or wham, bottle in the head because NOW was not soon enough!

We do your laundry, clean your house, raise your children, go to PTA meetings, ballet class, pick up the cheerios off the floor, cook dinner, pick up the toys, tuck them in to bed, does your boss need you to tuck them into bed? (Second thought, they better not!), we run your errands, go to the grocery store, listen to Barney or Dora the Explorer (or in the case of the demon possessed teenager strange music that sounds strangely enough like Satan yelling into a Mic!), and when we actually do try to have sex, a kid wakes up! Nothing in our lives is the same anymore, nor would we give up one second of it, but hey let’s trade for a day and see who is crying by the end of the day! It won’t be Mom (well until she sees all the work you didn’t get done because you couldn’t figure out how to run the washer and dryer, or turn the vacuum on or know what the word cleaning actually meant!) Just sayin….

Until next time....

♥Happy Mother's Day ♥

2012-05-13T22:58:00.003-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms who read this. Being a mom is a lot of hard work, frustration (I mean who wouldn't be frustrated by blue painted footprints on their carpet?), tears (I just cleaned those window!) and prayers (Lord please help me make it through today without strangling this demon that has taken over my sweet baby! Help me to remember that I love her/him Amen). Whether you are a single mom or are in a relationship, there is so much about motherhood that makes us wonder sometimes what on earth we were thinking (usually about the time the legos start flying and the fighting over whose turn it is on the computer). No sane person would put themselves through this.
Today I was reminded how special our children are and how much they truly need us, even when they say they don't. We all want to run away, and some mom's do (the ones whose needs and selfish behavior out weigh their sense of what is right), but for those of us that don't, it's not because we are superwoman or because we have some special knack for raising children, we are just as in the dark about what to do as the next mom. We don't because we love our children and their health and well being are what we are about.
Our situation sucks right now and it is definitely not where I thought I would be 15 years ago when I was getting married. It's not where I had planned to be, where I want to be or where I plan to stay. No I am not talking about the physical place we are, I am talking about the situation. I am thankful for what we do have and I thank God everyday for the blessings we have, that we may not see when we are frustrated. Regardless of how hard it seems to get up everyone morning, I do, because of K, A, S, & M. They are the 4 reasons for everything I do. They are why I get up in the morning, fight the battles with them that I do, and smile while drinking my coffee in the morning. I know it can be worse than it is and there are people out there that have it worse than I do, but it's not a reason to run away or give up, for me its a reason to fight harder.
Mother's Day is a day to remember the greatest gifts we have been given (No not your amazing eyes or tiny waist). Our children. Without them we would not even have a reason to celebrate today. We of course have our moms, and nothing I don't think, makes us appreciate them more than when we have our own children. So go hug your babies and kiss them good night. Tuck them in, read them a story (I already did) and just enjoy your babies.
Every day as a mom is hard work. It's pure agony, frustration, anger with a lot of joy, happiness, love, awe, and wonder thrown in. The good always out weighs the bad and that sleepy little hug in the morning (you know the one you used to get but was lost amidst the teenage demon that has possessed your sweet little baby), is worth all the bad that comes with being a mom. Really its not bad either, its a learning process. We are all learning as we go. We make some mistakes, (Sorry K, I learned most of them with you) and we learn from them.
No one can make anything see better than Mom (except that first sip of Starbucks Caramel Macchiato in the morning) or hot cocoa!
I would not miss any of this for being single and childless. I will settle happily for being single with children!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

♥♥♥Happy Mother's Day to us ALL!♥♥♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Girls Be Girls, Guys be Guy...

2012-05-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

     Why do people have to lie? Why do they think that they need to lie to you for you to like them? I don't understand this concept. I don't need you to like what I like, want to be in the field I want to be in, or say what you think I want you to say.
Why do people feel the need to make you feel small (or at least attempt to), while making themselves out to be perfect? Why does one need to feel bigger and better than someone? This is a concept I also don't understand.

     Ok girls (and I am sure you guys out there can benefit, but I can only write from the perspective of a girl), if a guy you like or that likes you, puts you down, lies to you, trys to impress you by living their life the way you do, or tells you that the world is against them and they are all lying, if the facts don't add up to what they are telling you, and if the persona they are putting off contradicts their inate personality, move on. Find someone else, because this will inevitably be ycome your life. We don't want to hear that you are stronger than everyone in the world (hello your not), we don't want to hear that you no one can kick your ass, (someone can).

     I don't like aggressive men, however, I do like someone who can handle themselves if need be. I don't like men who say what I want to hear, trying to keep the peace. Please tell me the way it is, don't hold in like a little girl trying to play nice, let me have it. I may not like it, but I will repsect you in the long run.

     Call me names, I'm calling my dad (after all what are dad's for). I don't need to hear that I need therapy or you think I am nuts, when in truth your insane. Don't be an ass, because we ladies don't like it.

     I like men that are educated, (not to stereotype or generalize) I am not into cowboys or self-proclaimed rednecks. If you have an education, use it. Plain an simple. One thing girls like is to be able to depend on the person they are going to be with. If you are not dependable in EVERY area, we don't need you.

     Girls, (yes I am talking to you again), if you want a guy to treat you like a lady, give up the men and women are equal crap. Yes we are equal in that a guy is not better than a woman, a woman is not better than a guy, etc... etc... If you want to take the stand of equality and Women's rights, then don't be surprised when guy treats you like a guy and hits you. IF you talk like a guy, act like a guys, then be able to take a hit like a guy. (no I am absolutely not condoning spousal abuse or abuse of any kind). You can cry fowl, when you are being treated as an equal to a guy. If he hits you, you are more than entitled to hit back (why do you think God gave us marble rolling pins and cast iron skillets to keep in our kitchens?). Maybe this is a little harsh, and maybe its not. I am not saying wear dresses, stay at home with the kids or become June Cleaver, I am saying, just be a lady.

     Guys, get a clue. We don't want a caveman. We want someone to love us unconditionally, be there when we need them, take care of us when we need it, support us always, tell us when we are being ignorant, stand up to us when the situation calls for it, kick the ass of anyone who needs it, (but don't be aggressive on a daily basis). We want you to be honest, loyal and like our children. We want you to not be a deadbeat, to not lie to us, not put us down, not call us names (we don't like the bully), and don't make yourself out to be god.) Be a shoulder to cry on, should we need it, be the rock in our lives and the place we want to be always. If you do that, we will do the same. Simple. You act like a jerk, we will too. Just saying!

OK this post is long enough....

Until next time......

What Would You Tell Yourself...

2012-05-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading a book not that long ago called, Return to the Summerhouse, by Jude Deveraux and it go me thinking. In the book the (The first one is called, The Summerhouse) Three women able to go back to a time and change something if they choose to. This got me thinking, if I you could go back to a period (or periods) and have a conversation with a younger you, what age(s) would it be and what would you tell yourself? Here is what I came up with...

14 Years Old...

I would tell myself that having a step parent is not the end of the world and in the end you will be better off for having had him in your life. To make the most of the memories you will have because one day, he will not longer be here and everything you felt (but never told anyone) would be the most important thing to hear. ALSO, that boy you are really into..not that great and dating him is truly not worth pissing off your parents or ditching another boy for. Bad Choice there!

17 Years Old...

I would tell myself that marriage is not always the better choice. While in about 12 years you will find yourself divorced, you still need to get married in order to have the children you will have, BUT do not put off your education and career choices because while you should never go into marriage thinking you are going to get divorced, no one can predict the future and being prepared for anything is better than learning the hard way you should not have put off going to school. Also be a little nicer to your husband, even though he will eventually be an ass of gigantic proportions, he started out as a great husband and an even better father.

25 Years Old...

So your husband cheated on you and you chose to forgive him and stay married. LET IT GO! Don't hold onto the hurt and anger you feel because he cheated on you. You chose to stay. You loved him enough to give him a second chance. Life threw you a curve ball you never saw coming from the last person you ever expected to hurt you. Put your big girl panties on and move on.

27 Years old...

Stay in Canada. Even though your life is not what you had planned. A baby, a divorce and the end of the world as you knew it, Canada is your home and you truly should stay. The US does not offer you anything you can not get in Canada. Bitterness will get you no where. While I, at 32, would love to tell you that you should befriend the woman your ex cheated on you with (Yup again), I am not there yet still. Give it to God. God has a plan for your life from this point on and the sooner you realize it, the better. Now you just need to focus on your children, the new life you have been forced into and your education. (See had you listened to me at 17 you would need to just focus on your career and family but...) Stay focused and trust God.

Now of course we can not go back in time and talk to our younger selves. What we can do is learn from them and realize that today is all that counts. We can't change yesterday, Tomorrow is not a guarantee and Today is all we have to do what counts. Maybe there is that guy (or girl) you have been wanting to connect with, but not sure you should or you can't, just do it. The worst they can say is no. Maybe there is a move you are contemplating, do it. Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today. We are not given a road map or instructions on how to live our life, we are not informed of the outcome of our decisions so just go for it. Why wait? What are you waiting for? If you don't do it, you will never know and you will always wonder.
Of course as I am sitting here writing this, I can come up with a million and one reasons as to why its not a good idea to contact that guy and why moving could be a bad idea and so on and so forth...

Until next time.....

Following God

2012-04-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Being a parent today is hard. We have so many things to worry about where are children are concerned. Drugs, gangs, and so much more, and the list it seems, just keeps growing. As a single parent we have added worries. Studies that say children from broken homes are more likely to do drugs and join gangs and fall down a path that is not what you dreamed about the first time you held that precious and innocent baby. We also worry about the people we bring into their lives. As a single parenting, dating seems scary, and it should. Who should we bring into their lives? Who should we avoid? Is there a right time to introduce someone you are dating? How long do we date before we introduce? Should we date at all?

Here is what I realized today, our paths are already predetermined. God always knows what path we will choose, whether it be the right one, or the wrong one, he already knows. I am famous for choosing the wrong one. As I look over the course of my life, I have usually chosen the wrong path. Dated the wrong people and even went so far as to dump the right person for the wrong person just to annoy my parents. Brilliance there. I don't dwell on the past, but sometimes we have to revisit the past to make changes for the future.

I know what I want in my life and what I don't want. Professionally my goals are clear and I am working on them now. Personally, I have a vague idea of what I want in the distant future, but then again my plans may not be God's plans an I truly need to follow God's plans for my life. I have strayed from God's path, but I realize now, that the only way my life will make sense is to follow God.

Also I am also great at focusing on the negative, (easy to do right?) Well no more. Every morning I am making it a goal to thank God for the blessings I have in my life. I am no longer going to dwell on what I don't have, but focus on what I do have. It may not be much, but its still more than some people have. A visit to my cousin in Utah reminded me that I need to focus on God and listen to him.

I am human and I will stumble and I will make mistakes. Some days it will be harder to focus on what the positive and the negative will seem more abundant, those are the days I need to fight harder to remember what I do have.

So, since I know there are those of you that read this, I am going to challenge each of you to count your blessings, put the negative aside and concentrate on the positive. Make a list of your blessings and Thank God for them every morning. There are more blessing than you think when you sit down to list them. Feel free to post a comment with one or two blessings you are thankful for. Here are a couple of mine:

1) I have four healthy and beautiful children who are the center of my world.
2) I am going back to school to obtain the degree I have always wanted to earn.
3) I am healthy
4) I am thankful for my ex as without him, I would not have my wonderful children. (and I pray for him every day)
5) I have a roof over our heads and though the situation I know is temporary, I am thankful for it now

There are many more I am thankful for, but these are just a few I wanted to share with everyone to help you get started with your own list.

Until next time.....

And Now.....

2012-04-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

It is time to relax and get back into our daily routines. After 2 weeks of traveling, first a 10 hour drive to Utah to visit family, and then a 3 hour drive to SF, 3 days after we returned from Utah, for my dad's wedding, I can finally get my family back on track.

We have spent an equivalent of 40 hours or more in the car in the last 2 weeks. I will say that having a DVD player in the car is a MUST for any parent. It is almost eerie how quiet the car gets when there is a movie on for them to watch.

I have accumulated some tips for child travel, that I will implement on our future travels.
1. Must, MUST, MUST have a DVD Player in the car and have the car stocked with movies.
2. ALWAYS travel in a van or SUV big enough to hold 4 kids.
3. Buy bottle water and easy snacks...this lightens up the amount of times you have to stop.
4. Back each child a Kid Kit: books, toys, games and whatever else occupies your child's attention
5. Listening to KLove will calm you down, Lady Gaga, not so much
6 If your child says, "Mom, I have to Pee, STOP! Even if there is not a bathroom near by! STOP! Let the child pee for crying out loud!
7. In Nevada if you find yourself going 100 and pass a cop sitting on the side of the road....he will not pull you over. Apparently this OK, or maybe being in a minivan he figured I had a car full of children who were getting on my nerves and I was trying to reach my destination faster....just a thought
8. It is easier than you think to go 100 and not even realize it!
9. You do not get to listen to the radio while a DVD is playing and headphones are not recommended while driving
10. Before you rent a car, make sure it has been thoroughly checked out before you leave, or you will be trading cars in Nevada (Glad I did though)

OK some of these are not tips more like advice, but either way! Good things to know. The number one thing we all need to remember, you are not in control, God is and he will help you out in any situation no matter how mad or stressed out you get.

Hope all is well with everyone and have fun traveling, Lord knows I am. Next destination.....no clue, but I am truly looking forward to it!

Until next time....

More than you can handle....

2012-04-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

Its is one of those days where you just want to climb back under the covers and never get back out. Just bury yourself among the pillows and blankets and hide. A day where nothing goes right and it is just one problem after another. It started out that way and it has continued to be a black blight on my day. Nothing I do changes it. Then I think about the last 5 years and realize that after 5 years of hell, it doesn't appear to get better. Sure there are moments that are fun and memorable....well actually its all memorable, just some are better memories than other. 5 years of misery, with a bit of bright spots shining through...Kind of like 5 years of dark cloudy rain, with the sun fighting to shine through but never quite making it.
That's the kind of day it has been.

I've been told that God never gives us more than we can handle. Everyone says it, but I have had way more than anyone one person should have to handle. I have, but I am not sure I believe it anymore. Admittedly I haven't broken yet, maybe a few mini meltdowns, but I am still here. Still breathing, still waking up every morning and getting out of bed and still living.

Tomorrow I will do the same, even it means not doing some of the things we wanted to do. It will all work out in the end and one day the cloudy days will seem few and far between. This will all one day seem like a bad dream ad all will be right in my world.

Live, Love, Laugh

Until next time...

14 years ago...

2012-03-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

I became a mom. My baby girl just turned 14 today. Time has flown by since I first held her in my arms and I recall that day like it was yesterday. I can recount moment from moment the events of that day. My water broke a whole day before she actually came.

It amazes me how much has happened in 14 years. I had 3 more children, I got divorced and I moved back to the USA. Of course that is the short sum of my life in that time. She truly was the most amazing thing I had ever seen or held up to that point. Life certainly changed from the moment she came out, but I would change a thing about having K in my life. She is challenging for sure, but she is amazing too. She has her own ideas, her own beliefs (albeit it a little quirky) and she is strong willed. She is sweet, (though she would never admit to it) sensitive and Lord know she can be mean! I would not change one thing about her. (except her current hair color).

As I watch our children grow, I feel sad for their dad. He is missing so much of their lives. I want to shake him and ask what the hell he was thinking. These kids are the biggest blessing either of us has, regardless of anything else. We at least did 4 things right while we were together. The saddest part of all of it, is that Matthew does not know what it is like to have a daddy like the other kids do. Then again, maybe that is better, he doesn't know what he is missing either.

So even though things are bad right now, I know that there are good things in my life and things will get better.

Until next time....

With Coffee Comes Wisdom

2012-03-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

Okay, so maybe the coffee itself does not give you the wisdom. However, sitting down, drinking a cup and reflecting can.

Granted right now, things are not the way I want them. I can accept it, I don't have to like it. I pray for the strength to get up in the morning and see the blessings I have in my life. I have 4 that mean the world to me and right now I feel like I am failing them. Drinking my cup of coffee, I realize that maybe failing is a bit too strong. They have what the need and some of what they want, but what we all need the most is a place of our own. Away from the crap and the headaches. Away from influences that are not appropriate for little ones to be around.

I will not, under no circumstance, apologize for my belief that there are some people your children do no need to be around. I will not let them believe it is okay to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. I am tired of tiptoeing around trying to make everything okay, trying to keep my children quiet...they are kids, you can't make them quiet. Truth be told, they are not that loud, they are just kids.

I meant what I said in previous posts, when I leave, this time I will not look back. Reality has slapped me in the face more than once in the last two weeks and I am getting tired of that too. When I have to step back and admit that my ex was right, it really is time to get a new perspective. I admit, he was not always wrong, but on this, I truly wanted him to be.

Maybe I am over sensitive (it is possible after 10 years with a person who is sensitive, that some of that could have rubbed off), maybe I am not sensitive enough, (Lord only knows how many times I have been told that), but I am who I am and if you don't like it, stay away.

I don't have the answers yet, but I know that they will come. I just have to keep Faith that they will come. That change will come because change is definitely wanted. I will never be tolerable of drugs and criminals. I have learned you can't be. This is not to say, I don't believe people can change, I know they can, I have seen proof, they can. It just means if you are going to change, you are going to have to do it on your own. I have my own life and my kids' life to look out for. They are truly all I care about anymore. Well them and a few others.

Hope all is well with everyone (It will be with me soon God Willing)

More ranting.....

2012-03-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

Life teaches us lessons. When we don't pay attention, it kicks our butt. I will say, my ass has been thoroughly kicked. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even a few days ago. My thoughts have changed, my feelings about things and some people have certainly changed and as sad as it may be for me, it seems like nothing will ever be the same again.

I have learned many lessons in my life and even in the last 3 years, but not one has hurt or bothered me as much as this one. Not even my divorce, and that damn near killed me. Life is determined to kick my ass and bury me, but I am either too stubborn or too dumb to just stay down. I know a lot of you are reading this wondering, what the hell she is talking about, but let me say this...I am just a girl who despite whatever is thrown at her, will stay down. I may fall, but I will get back up. I may cry, but guess what tears dry.

What does not kill you, will either make you stronger or it will break you. The choice is ours alone. No one else can make that kind of choice for you, unless you let them. I am done, and I just don't give a damn anymore. I know what in my life is important and I know what I need to remove. I will remove it in time and when I do, I will under no circumstances look back. The good thing about not be an emotional person is that I can do it. I won't regret it and I won't return to it. I know what I want, and I will get there. I will not have someone try to talk me into something I do not want, just because they think they know what is best. Guess what, the only who knows what is best for me, is me. I am angry, royally pissed off but it goes beyond that and now it is truly time to get out of my way.

On another note, I was listening to K-Love the other day and the woman was talking about what Marriage isn't and one of the things that she said hit home. (Hard). If (huge if) I ever get married this is the one thing I want to remember, Marriage is NOT an amusement park, you don't just stay for the good times and then bail when the fun is over.

Lesson Learned...

2012-03-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where something just clicks finally. It had been staring you in the face and you never quite got it until it was made so blatantly obvious that if you didn't see it..you were just plain stupid! I got mine yesterday. I won't go into details but my eyes were certainly opened.

Here is what I learned:

1. Don't depend on anyone...you will eventually get let down
2. Learn to live on your own...because the people you thought you needed, are not really in your corner
3. When its time to let go of the dead weight, let it go...don't look back
4. No matter how much it hurts or upsets you, let it go...if you don't it will kill you
5. The only people that matter are the ones you give birth to and the rest are on their own
6. No matter what you do...what you accomplish or how you live your life....it will never be good enough for some people

It might seem harsh and it is, but if you can't depend on yourself, who can you depend on? Also, you have to depend on yourself because other people are going to let you down and your anger will eat you alive.

I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I try to live my life appropriately. I learn from my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I won't make new ones. I am human, and contrary to popular belief I am not a bitch and I do have feelings. OK, well maybe I am a bitch sometimes, but I still have feelings. I believe what I believe and I live my life and raise my children according to those beliefs.

If you don't like, no one said you had to be apart of my life...so there is the door and please let it hit you in the ass when you walk out!

Hope all is well in your world...
Until next time...

Heard this in the car today...just when I needed to hear it!

2012-02-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

Around the World with Chloe and Uncle Ben

2012-02-27T10:26:00.001-08:00

Around the World with Chloe and Uncle Ben: Check out this video submission for the Ben's Beginners Cooking Contest. Vote from 9:00am PST 2/27 - 11:59pm PST 3/11 to help them win $20,000 and more. Let's get kids cooking!

Vote for Chloe. Very cute video, and a couple of pretty good looking recipes you can complete in minutes.

Until next time.....

Things I miss...

2012-02-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

One of the things I miss is living in my own home. I know that one day it will come, I just have to be patient and trust God that everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I love moving into a new home and picking out furniture and deciding on how to decorate each room. Especially the bedrooms. Every bedroom should be a place where one can relax at the end of the day. Personally I would not have a television in the bedroom, (and in my opinion no married couple should). I am on the fence as to whether kids should have one in their rooms or not. Probably not.
I miss sitting in the living room at the end of a long day and reading a book while listening to music, talking about whatever or just sitting together at the end of the day to watch a movie.
I miss my kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of the home, or should be. It's where the meals are made, the days events discussed, the days are planned (at least in my home it was)and where as a family we end the day with a meal.
I miss my jacuzzi tub. This is probably the biggest thing I miss. For many reasons.

Some days I miss being married, and others not so much. I don't miss the arguing and fights that were inevitable in the end. I don't miss having to pick up the clothes in front of the hamper and put them in...o wait, I still do that.
I don't miss trying to convince someone to go on vaction with their family and in the end giving up.

I miss building snowmen with the kids and then going into the house and drinking hot cocoa. Maybe I just need to move to the snow....then again I do not miss having to shovel the driveway. I would get married just to not have to shovel the snow.
I do miss having someone to fix things when they are broken as this is most definitely not my specialty. Usually if I try to fix something, it breaks even more. So it would be nice to have someone be able to do that for me. O and the car. I can barely check the oil in the car. So someone who can at least do that would be good to have around.

Well time to go clean and then do some school work for the week! Perhaps a maid and a nanny would be nice too (although probably not since I don't like other people taking care of my children and I would jsut go around and undo whatever the maid did wrong).

Until next time...

Musings....

2012-02-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

So it has been awhile since I posted. School has kept me pretty busy. As have, K, A, S and M. A is off to camp today with the Boy Scouts.

I made a couple of cards this week for friends who are having babies and realized how much I have missed scrapbooking and card-making, so it is time to start replacing the supplies my oh-so-loving-ex-husband got rid of.

Really, I try not to dwell on the past and all that he gave up for some woman who has the morals of a sneezed on Kleenex, and for the most part I do OK with it. Kids and life keep me busy. It is not so much that I even miss him. It is more that the kids miss him, or the him they remember. Not the dad that doesn't call and chews them out for missing his birthday. Sometimes it is struggle to remember the day K was born (and each of them) and how great of a dad he started out to be. It amazes me that he can put the responsibility of keeping in touch with his children on them. I always thought it was the parents job to stay in touch. My bad.
It is funny how one day you can wake up and realize that you are over someone. It may take you longer than you thought it would at first, but it happens. It may be harder than you thought it would be, but one day you realize you have actually survived and are better for it. Each day you are more stronger than the last and each week you are even more stronger.
Three years later, I am better off, for the simple fact each day I have gotten to see how my children have changed. How they have grown, and yes some days K and A can give me a run for my money, but I wouldn't trade a day in my life for one day in his easy-I-have-no-responsibilities-life. Perhaps it is not as easy as it looks, I have no idea. All I know is that without K, A, S and M I would not be the same person and even though my life would probably be much easier (not to mention quieter) I would have nothing worth fighting for and no reasons to keep getting up day after day.
He may have someone, but I have 4 someones who daily keep me surprised, irritated, laughing, and make my life 110% better.

I had visions on my wedding day as to what our lives would be like. For the most part, up until the end, it was what I had pictured. I guess one day you wake up and realize you have no idea who the person sleeping next you has become. Granted I didn't notice it right away. I was sleep-deprived and had a newborn, so I figured M's crying at night had him sleeping in his office/our living room. Even when he missed M's birth I didn't put two and two together. Who could blame him for getting coffee? Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I see things much clearer now, if not to late.

My visions for divorce did not turn out so well. The summers where the kids go see their Dad and the shared responsibility of the two of us for the 4 of them has never happened. I know it is my fault (because he has absolutely no blame in any of this. He is the Saint after all. Never done anything wrong, never made bad choices and I am the one keeping his children from him after all), but I guess I am just going to have to accept the fact that he is not going to be there for them. Weekends and vacations at Dad's house is not part of the package. I may never get a true break from my little ones, but I have them.

As bad as divorce is (and I never want to go through another one), you one day realize you are happier, better off and have more than your partner could have ever given you. The future is unwritten and the past is a chapter that is complete. The future holds so many possibilities and new experiences. So wake up and stop making life harder than it has to be...(which I am famous for).

Maybe one day I will meet someone I can make apart of our lives and keep around forever, and maybe not. The thing is I don't need someone. I am certainly not in any hurry for sure. School and kids keep me busy enough. As the song by Terri Clark says: "She didn't have time..."

Who are You?

2012-02-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

Ever have anyone ask you who you are? What is your response? One day I stated simply, I am a mom. Apparently this was not the right answer. Mom is a title, as is daughter, sister, and wife, etc...

Who are you, is a question people do not like to delve into. It means you have to get to know yourself. Through the day to day activities that come with being a wife and mother, or even just a mother, it is so easy to loose yourself and forget that there is a whole other entity to you. Who were you before you were a wife and a mother? Before you became a single mom?

After some thought, I decided that being a mom defines me. It tells a lot about me. It means that my children are my priority. However, what about the person I used to be? The one who had hopes and dreams for her future? The one who had every aspect of her life planned out, to the tiniest detail.

I am serious person by nature. I am logical almost to a fault. However, I don't think I was always this way. Those who read this and who knew me before, maybe you can comment on it.

So here is who I am:
1. I love to read, reading is a big part of who I am
2. As is writing. I gave it up...why? Long story
3. I appear logical and serious, but I do like to have fun and even occasionally act silly.
4. I am firm in my opinions and my beliefs.
5. I will fight for what I believe in
6. I don't always like going to the gym. Some days I just want to be lazy and do nothing
7. Not very trusting
8. Sincere
9. Skeptical

I am not even sure that this sums it up, but its all I could come up with. I still love the titles that make up me: Mom, daughter, sister, friend student.

The answer to the question, "Who are you" is so much more complex than just simple answers can explain. Its all the things, titles and traits, that make us who we are. Being a mom, added a different element to who I am now. Before I was a mom, I was not missing parts of me, I just didn't have the views and opinions that change the second you hold that baby in your arms for the first time. I didn't have the responsibility of another person's life in my hands. I was carefree for sure, and I don't think I have lost that, its just been pushed aside for my children's sake who need more than a carefree mom who doesn't want to be responsible.

I love who I am now. I love who I have become. I don't regret any part of my past, because without it, I would be a whole different person than the one I have become. Even getting divorced taught me so much about myself that I would have never discovered if i had not gone through it.

So what answers do you have for who you are?

Until next time...

Dear Children,

2012-01-31T10:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Children,

For years now I have made your beds, cleaned up your messes and prepared your meals. I have washed your clothing and cleaned the house. I have taken a moment to Thank God for blessing me with the four of you.
I have cleaned poop smeared on walls and bedding because I took advise and let you cry. I have walked in on you painting my carpet and walls with paint Daddy forgot to put up. I have been angry with you, shocked and amazed by you. I have been baffled beyond belief by each of you over the years.
I have been covered in your drool, vomit (totally disgusting) and hugs. I have listened to Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Tank Engine more times that I care to admit (I even know some of the theme songs to lame cartoons)
I watched you roll over, crawl and then walk for the first time. I have taken you to school and followed you there on your first days of Kindergarten.
I have stepped on Lego's, hot wheels and barbie paraphernalia. I have watched you as you play with your toys, read your books and studied your homework. I have been here when you needed help, and will continue to do so throughout your life.
I have refereed fights, listened to senseless babble caused by fighting and watched as you have wanted to kill one another.
I have held you, rocked you, comforted you, cleaned you, and taken care of you when you were sick. I have nurtured you, cherished you and been extremely thankful for each and every one of you.
As our lives have changed and I have watched you grow, I have made sure that you are all cared for and provided for. Sometimes those changes have not been easy, down right hard even, sometimes you have hated me, and I have wondered why I do this every day. We have had many ups and currently some downs. Life has not turned out how we thought it would, but we are still together and that is what is important.
So as I continue to take care of you, cook for you, wash your dirty laundry and make your beds, I want to let you know that even on the days I want to shake you until I can figure out what is making you the insane demon child you have become on occasion, that I love you and I will always love you. I am here for you every day and for whatever you need.
Regardless if you are bad, angry, happy, sad, or just plain stubborn (you get that from your mom and your dad ,so blame dad), I love you and each day I have with you is a blessing that I do not take for granted.

Love,

Mom

Motherhood (or Fatherhood)

2012-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

Motherhood, that one little word says a whole lot. **If you are a Father reading this, substitute Mother/Mom/Mommy/Motherhood for Father/Dad/Daddy/Fatherhood because your role in their life is just as important as ours!

Motherhood is teaching children right from wrong, its about making sure your children do the right thing and make the right choices in their lives. It's wanting the best for children and praying they listen to your wisdom, (even though your sure you do not sound wise).

At times (OK most of the time) it is a tiring and thankless job. Doing laundry over and over to make sure your children have clean clothes to wear, spending the majority of your time in the kitchen (my favorite place to be) to make sure they have healthy food to eat, and keeping the house clean so that they have a healthy environment to live in.

The frustrating times (like yesterday) when you punish the child until her progress report comes in and she makes your life absolutely miserable. Until you realize, she can not leave the house, but you can! Ha ha. When you step on a Lego in the dark and kill your foot. When the clothes made it in front of the hamper and not IN to the hamper. (My ex husband was great for this)

The fights, oh the joys of the fights! Listening to kids fight at bedtime when they are suppose to be going to sleep. Fights over doing their homework, fights over getting in the shower, and the biggest fight of all, getting off the video games! O joy, how I do love the fights!

Then there are the moments that make it all worth while! When your child is sick and wants to lie down next to you (like my 13 year old last night), and only mommy will do. When you witness them doing something you taught them to do, (but thought they were not listening). When you watch your child open the door for an elderly person and you didn't have to ask her to do it. When you come home and the house has been cleaned up like you asked them to do! They seem like little things, but really they are the biggest moments in the Mommy Career, that you realize it is all worth it. Every fight, every struggle, every tear, and every pull your hair moment is 100% worth it. Just to experience those Proud Mommy Moments.

Even when you know (or feel like) everything that you are doing is wrong, turns out it will all work out OK in the end. Motherhood requires prayer and quiet reflection and to know that when you are close to knocking your child through the wall, that you can leave for a little while and calm down.

The number 1 rule of Motherhood we all need to know is: If your child says, "I hate you!", "You suck" or "Your ruining my life", know that you are doing something right!

Until next time.....

Job Interviews and Search

2012-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

I hate interviews. Usually, this is the process in the job search where I fail miserably. I can feel fully confident right before I enter the interview and completely fail. I mean failure to the point that if they called me back for a second interview, I am not sure I would want to work for them. It's like all the information I have stored in my head, disappears and only to bee seen again AFTER the interview is over. UGH!

I can present a professional look, I am organized, I am friendly, (although my mom's boss seems to think I look mean) and I know what I am doing. However, ask me all this in an interview, and I give a blank look that only a true blonde, when asked what her name is, can give.

It's as if I know that I need this job, which I do, and I screw it up, because I put too much pressure on myself to get it. Lord help me.

So, I just applied for a job that I applied for last year. Same place, same position. I know the interview process, and I know the information they are going to ask for. I just need to keep the confidence I have the minute before I enter the room.

Easy peasey right? Sure!

You would think that the one thing in this world that would be easy to sell is yourself! WRONG! It is the hardest thing to do. Especially when you need the job to be able to take care of your children. So keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck! Lord knows I need it!

Until next time.....

Presidential race...

2012-01-20T18:32:00.000-08:00

I am watching Dr. Drew on TV right now. The topic right now is Newt Gingrich's ex-wife's video. She talked about him wanting an open marriage and her refusal to have one.

Running for president is basically a form of self annihilation. If you so much as peed on a tree in the playground in preschool, they will dredge up when you are running for president. Everything you have ever done will be dragged through the mud. From cheating on a test in 6th grade, to getting drink for the first time in high school. Nothing is sacred, nothing is private and nothing is kept out of the media. I am not saying that one doesn't need to be held to some standards when they are running for any government office. However, he has been in the political field for some time now, and now she decides to come out with this interview. He cheated on his wife, not good. Does it mean he can not be president? No. His personal life has nothing to do with his presidential capability.
No one on this planet, can say they don't have something in their past that they are not proud of. Something they did, that at the time, seemed like a good idea, but in hindsight are not the best choices we could have made.
If, and I said if, because obviously we are dealing with a bitter woman, who has not moved on with her life, what she says in her interview is true, it was in the past. Not to mention, you should have left him when he asked you for an open marriage.
Not one of us can judge Newt Gingrich for his indiscretions, only God can do that. Only God can forgive us of our sins and judge us for who we are and what we have done. God is our judge, jury and executioner.
So, anyone basing their election votes based on the interview this obviously jealous, bitter and scorned woman, then you must be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you are perfect and don't have a single flaw in your past.