Bittersweet Confusion

A complete 180....

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:31:00 +0000

I've always thought of myself as somewhat laid back and trusting when it came to my relationships. I prided myself as the cool girlfriend. Nothing like the jealous controlling girls I often heard my guy friends complain about. I was determined to prove that there is nothing wrong with having your life, let him have his life and then having your life together.... Until I got married. Now I'm not so sure. Is it so bad to not feel comfortable with your significant other going out by themselves for long periods of time and often? And how often is often? Although to sit down and think of it, it may be just 2 or 3 times a month, it seems more and more often.

Do I trust my partner? The answer is yes I do. Do I enjoy somethings that he does?... no. As asinine as it sounds I do believe that trust takes a long time to build up but it takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it and when there are occasions in which someone seems suspicious it chips away at that trust and all the rationalizations that you come up with sound more and more like something you would call bullshit on if they were coming from someone else about their relationship.

What if these friends are often women? Of course you've heard of them in conversation and they've been friends for years but how close can your partner be with someone of the opposite sex before you are allowed to begin having doubts. The phrase "She's like a sister to me" has become meaningless because over the years my belief that males and females can be ONLY friends has become hazy. Yes if there is a fair amount of respect for each other (and relationships you're in) there may not be anything but platonic relations but given the right circumstance men and women would take it to non-platonic territories especially when alcohol is involved. Not saying everybody cheats because it's simply not fair to generalize such things but to say that everyone doesn't have the capacity to cheat that would be false as well. Also, looks have nothing to do with it. I've heard things such as "No one finds me attractive but you" and "Women are not knocking down my door to get to me" and my personal favorite "If anything I should be worried because you are the good looking one". I've thought about it and have decided it's all bullshit. Everyone is looking according to their own tastes and in my case most of these people are exes and so there was an attraction at some point. But again being that I claim to trust this man, should I really be thinking this way? Does all trust have to be blind and unconditional?

I know he flirts with these women and as much as it may be "innocent" flirting, I know it happens. How do I know? I've read some of the things he's written to other females on the net and it was nothing like I ever expected to read. Of course this female lived in another state and it would could be construed as banter but it hurt me so bad I went out drank and cried. Did I mention it to him? No... Why? Because I didn't want to be accused of snooping (which I wasn't doing). I was recently in a similar situation but this time by text. It sometimes seems like something puts this in my face to knock me out. This time I didn't give an F* about him thinking I was snooping and I asked him about it... Apparently, there are things that are big deals to me that are not to him. This would be fine if he would offer to do something about it but instead he asks me what I want him to do which urks me to no end. I'm not his friggin mother to tell him how to act. Just think about how he would feel if the tables were turned and then answer your own damn question.

It's times like this that I feel like I have no spine. I sometimes wish I can be a bitch. I feel that I compromise too much but then again I don't want to lay down the law because I feel it's counterproductive. I know this was the person he was when I met him but am I wrong to think he should make adjustments now that he has a family of his own? During one of our discussions he told me that he never really believed in marriage. Not necessarily be with one person forever but mostly the legal obligation to be there. If it were up to him, we would have had a real long engagement. What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to thank my lucky stars that he made the exception?

The hardest part of all this is that we really are good for each other. We are happy and understand each other but it's these kinds of things that sour the milk. I sometimes feel like I made my own bed thought since I was so laid back before but then again I think he thinks that just because he doesn't concern himself too much when I go out that I should be the same way. I sometimes wish he did care a bit more. Caring does not equal mistrust. You know what he said when I told him that it seems he goes out alot more than I do.... He said "that's not my fault"... WTF!!!! I'm not asking to go out more... I'm asking him to have some f**** consideration for my feelings in all this. Is that too much to ask for? Why is it so hard to convince someone that you trust him but that doesn't mean you're blind to the potential of something happening?

What would feel worse... being resented for not being the person they expected you to be (the cool GF) or continue to dismiss these pangs in your stomach because you don't want him dismiss you as just another jealous twit?

I don't know but it's eating me up inside because I can't explain it. I feel ashamed to discuss it with anyone. I try to talk to him about it but it always comes out wrong and I feel like I'm attacking him. So I write. I've been "writing" in my head for a while but now I'm doing it here because I can't say it out loud without breaking down.. although tears are docked ready to flow as my fingers brush the keys.

Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:18:00 +0000

With the lil one and other craziness at home, I have found it hard to keep up this blog so I will put it on hold for the time being. I do however try to keep up my other blog found here. Stop on by if you get the chance.

I'm Baaack!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:32:00 +0000

Happy Holidays (or what left of them). I know I haven't posted here a while but the last few months have been an up and down rollercoaster especially with the holidays.

If you're not in the know yet, you can read some of the hijinx over at my other blog.

With 2008 coming to a close, I would usually give a list of New Year's Resolutions which would inevitably include losing weight and paying off my credit card debt. This year though, I will be writing another list:

8 Things I have learned in 2008

8. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Back in July, I was distraught because I was unable to close on a 1 bedroom condo that I was purchasing. Come to find that not only was that a blessing in disguise because I am now the proud owner of a 2 bedroom condo but I have a much better interest rate AND had less closing costs. Not to mention that with the new addition to my family, a one bedroom would have been pretty cramped.

7. No matter what life throws at you, as long as you have your friends and family to support you, no mountain is too high to climb.

6. Even the most "evil" people can change their ways when a baby is involved.

5. Maternity clothes kick serious ass in the comfy department. I know they tell you that you shouldn't wear them postpartum but really... how can you expect me to wear regular binding jeans after experiencing the wonderfulness that is the belly panel. ;-)

4. As much time and effort you put into your job, remember that it is only a job. When layoffs come down, the decisions are usually made by people who do not know you from the next person. All those 15 hour days you put in during the heavy season would not be considered when compared to someone making less than you with no benefits.

3. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst ALWAYS. I have been blessed with much good fortune this year but I know that it can go away as quickly as it came. Always have a rainy day fund.

2. The best things come from unexpected places. This year, my entire family had to tighten the purse strings for the holidays so we all knew that the presents we get would not be much but everyone managed to get each other something that put smiles on our faces. I received the camcorder I had been eyeing since October but didn't buy because I didn't think it was needed quite yet. It was amazing that my sister who I have to say didn't have much to spare (she has a 1 year old) managed to get it for me as a Xmas/Wedding/baby shower gift. LOL My mom also gave us money towards our wedding rings, wedding family dinner AND a new crib. I almost cried (I say almost because these days if I start I can't stop).

1. Nothing is more important than your family. That includes the friends that will be there for you no matter what; the family you grew up with that no matter how much they can drive each other crazy, they can still manage to laugh together as they dance around like fools at the end of a loooong night. And of course the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Without the BF's patience, love and understanding, I don't think I would have ever known what it is to love someone and truly be loved back.

I don't think that I could have made it through half of the hijinx this year without the special people in my life. So if I would make any resolutions for this year, it would have to be to make sure that all these people in my life know exactly how special they are as often as possible.

Love, Peace and Hairgrease!!! =) HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

Free Love

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:30:00 +0000

So in my daily ~~procrastination~~ reading of blogs, I come across this blog* that has a Free Love offer referring the reader to go to their Blog Policy. Curious and still chuckling from Craig's latest post on the colorful folks on Craigslist, I wandered over there to find this gem, that really should be up there with Craig's Top 10 love posts...

BLOG OFFER OF FREE LOVE

This blogger really does practise what he preaches. I love all my readers. Really, I do. You all have the right to contact me whenever you so choose. And any female readers who propose sex to this blogger, will find the situation considered on its own merits. This blogger will be loathe to turn anyone down between the ages of 20 and 45, who has a decent figure and a discreet attitude. You will, however, be asked to sign a confidentiality agreement. Furthermore, you are asked to remember that you remain simply a reader and you are not to attach any significance to this. You will not consider sex having taking place- or indeed any other personal relationship of any kind- as making you any different to any other reader.

You will also remember that every single other reader has an equal right to be given anything that I give you.

Ultimately, you will regard any interaction you have with myself as a pleasurable, but ultimately subsidiary by product of blogging. I love you all in your own way, and I'm prepared to love anyone as they love me. But never forget, no one owns me. And no one ever will. You can all have a piece of me, but it stays just that. A piece.

Couldn't make this up if I tried...

*I usually would not link to this guy since I really don't like his blog but because it's proper blogosphere protocol to link quotes, I felt the need to.

My take on the Election...

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:27:00 +0000

Yes this is late but I was bed bound and half asleep when I found out the results of the election so here is my possibly naive look on the aftermath of Obama being elected our next President.

First, I've heard many references from people and the media how he is our savior, being the first black president in history... Doesn't anyone remember that he is also half white (and other races depending on who you talk to)? I don't doubt that he still suffered through many of the trials and tribulations many people of color go through everyday but does make him the next Messiah?

He is still a politician and no matter what anyone tells me, all politicians have their price or do favors for those who "supported" them. Race, descent, sex doesn't guarantee anymore loyalty than height,weight or hair color. Like President Clinton, Obama is very charismatic. But in my short life, the people who are the most manipulative are the most charismatic. They flash a smile, tell you what you want to hear and in the background they do what they want and leave you wondering how you let it happen. Don't get me wrong, I am not a McCain advocate either but I'm just sickened by how people are idolizing him. This is not a race thing for I am of non-white descent but it's about realizing that this man can do as much damage as a white man or white woman.

Maybe it's the hate for Bush and the War that gives people high hopes for a new Era. Or maybe it's just people's ignorance that the Obama camp counted on to get into office. Or maybe, McCain was not meant to win. Picking such an extremist for VP, not really talking about much of the issues, and being older than dirt... Seems a lil odd to me.

I'm not really into politics (pause for inevitable backlash), I'm one of those many folks that go out to vote only to know that my one vote doesn't really count towards much especially since I'm not part of a swing state ( I swear those people must get individual fruit baskets from the candidates) It may be ignorant and naive but I think that as many promises as the President makes it's like an ice cream cone... "Here's a little something to make you happy. Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

So people heed my words, don't idolize this man for he is not God. He is a man just like Bush was and Clinton was and Regan was. He will make mistakes. Mistakes that will cost us working folk lots and rich folks not so much. He may surprise me and do what he said he would but that is still yet to be seen. I'm approaching this with an open but realistic mind. We'll talk again after 2009...

*Quote from Claire - Elizabethtown

Tricks Or Treats

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:41:00 +0000

Ok so this may be cliche but it's amazing how Halloween gives some females the green light to look like they'll actually be turning tricks while teasing to give up their treats. Really, I'm all for sexy costumes but I draw the line at slutty especially if you're not blessed with the body to pull it off (pun not intended but fitting nonetheless).

Being of the normal sized variety of female, it's such a trial to even find a classic witches' costume that leaves something to the imagination. That being said I would like to give props to one of the costumes I know of that I think are brilliant albeit slightly politically incorrect...

Psst....

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 21:48:00 +0000

I have some news... go here to find out what it is.

It's not what you make... It's what you're worth

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:00:00 +0000

Somethings are better left unknown. From the tender age of 17, I have worked for Company X and for the most part been happy. I hardly ever dreaded coming to work (except for the year the FAKER was here) and for the most part I felt productive and somewhat satisfied with my position. Of course my goal was eventually to advance in my career and I thought that was where I was heading.

In the past few months, I've noticed that my fire was gone. I'm not slacking by any meaning of the word but I'm not killing myself either. This began around the time my manager left. First, I didn't get her position (Actually, no one did) but I got her responsibility. So not only am I doing my job but I'm doing the administrative parts as well. My boss calls me a supervisor. Ok, that's fine but there was something non-official about it. I did get a raise and a bonus but I had this annoying suspicion that even with that I was not what one would consider "well paid".

This suspicion was further confirmed when during a meeting with my boss explaining the new pay grade system, I was told that I was being paid a little less than half of the range for my job title... LESS THAN HALF. Which means after 10 years, I'm still being paid on the low range of my job title; A job title that is shared by all my coworkers. So what does this mean? An optimist would say that there would be room to grow. What I say is that this is a bunch of bull.

Then came this morning... Pay day. The admin came by as she always does and places 3 envelopes on my desk. One is mine, the others of my counterparts that would need to be interofficed out to their various location depending on the day of the week it is. I was in the middle of something and put them on the side. i always make it a point to file my stub away safely so I don't misplace it so I grab the top envelope and slice it open. I open it up and about to place it in a sheet protector when I realized something was not right. It took a second to realize what was wrong... it wasn't mine. I didn't realize that the admin placed another envelope on the pile when I was away from my desk and so I opened his by accident.

But it wasn't the guilt of invading his privacy that over took me. It was anger... because under the part where it said annual income there was a number that I couldn't believe. A number about 20K HIGHER than mine. This is the counterpart who I ran back and forth because HE FUCKED UP. I've cleaned so many messes for this guy that I just can't fathom how he still has a job... Oh yeah because I BAILED HIM OUT. Talked to people to give him a chance... he's new... he'll get it together...

Given he is about 50+ and has been in the workforce alot longer than I but I've given 10 FUCKEN years to this company only to find this out. The suckiest part is that with this financial shitstorm we find ourselves in, I am stuck here because a low paycheck is better than no paycheck.

Right now I'm writhing with anger and I hope I can calm down before having to speak to anyone... All this makes a part of me not want to kill myself but just do the minimal amount to get by. But the other part tells me that if I do that, I will not have a good justification for being paid more. SO I'm at a loss. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a bit naive when it comes to this sort of stuff so how do you, my blogger friends, suggest I handle this.

An Engagement to remember....

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:57:00 +0000

When a man decides to ask his hunny to marry him, it is common for them to go all out for the proposal. Why? Because the object of his affection would be repeating this story for her family, closest friends, not so close friends, co-workers and anyone else who happens to peruse her left hand.

Everyone has a story.

Maybe he played her favorite song outside her window "Say Anything" Style while propping up a giant sign that reads "Will you marry me?" or maybe he takes her to her favorite restaurant and in front of the Brazilian Elvis impersonator, gets down on one knee and goes into his prepared love decree only to be interrupted when she breaks into tears yelling yes before the question is even asked or maybe he decides to make breakfast in bed for her and the ring is nestled in the center of her cream cheese bagel.

Whatever the story is ... I don't think it compares to the exchange I experienced yesterday morning while walking to work.

It was a day like any other day. I was walking to the subway and out the corner of my eye I noticed a very well dressed woman walking next to me. I figured she was late to work (as I was) because she had this focused look about her. 3 blocks later, her focus was broken by the words (almost) every woman hopes to one day hear.. "Would You Marry Me?" ... She turns, gives the man a confused look and continues to walk away when he tries helplessly to stop her with 4 words that should make all the difference "IIIII HAVE FOOOD STAMPS!!!"... LOL Yes the man was homeless and probably out of his gourd but by god that made my morning.

Seriously speaking... the BF has popped the question and I couldn't be more ecstatic!! One of the 3 example stories is how it went down... Can you guess which one?

Remember....

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:08:00 +0000

To all those lost souls who just went to work... We Remember
To all those brave men and women who lost their lives for others... We Remember
To all those families who hold pictures of their lost loves close to their heart... We Remember
To everyone who woke up on September 11th, 2001 and went to bed a different person... We Remember...

Edited because I wrote a comment on someone's blog that I think should be included here

I remember where I was on that day ... Just next door in my office building, pale and cold and not functioning at all. Not knowing what to do but "just Pray" like a co worker told me to do.

Today I work in the same building I did that day and it will always be different. I walk passed vendors selling cheap 99 cent albums filled with pictures of that day and i fight not to gag at their lack of compassion. Tourists taking pictures of a hole that I consider massive grave just to have prove that they were there... Ground Zero.

I was there, I am there and that doesn't make me special, I don't even consider myself a survivor. I'm just sad. Sad for the families of the people who walked into those towers for what they thought was a normal day. Sad for the families of the rescuers who lost their lives for others. Sad for people like me who can't forget. People who wish they could.

Shocking the System

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 21:02:00 +0000

Earlier this summer my office folks and I decided to have a "weight loss" contest. You know the type... Basically, you get a group together to bet money on who can lose the most weight in a certain time. This is generally just an ~~excuse~~ incentive to get off your lazy ass in the spirit of competition.

The wager was $5 and although it's a meager sum, I decided that since I had to stand on a scale in front of not 1 but 9 of my office colleagues, I might as well make some type of effort. This meant I had to do a major overhaul of not only my activities but most importantly my diet. I could no longer enjoy the delectable goodies I have grown so fond of.

I decided babysteps was the way to go.

Step One - The breakfast regime needed a overhaul. Previously this meal consisted of a ~~Mack Truck sized~~ NY bagel with a variety of toppings (butter, cream cheese, Bacon Egg and Cheese). This was definitely not going to fly so I went cold turkey. It's been exactly 37 days since my last coffee cart visit. This wasn't easy since I was one of those customers that just showed up and without a word, got exactly what she came in for. What was this replaced with you ask? One boiled egg white and oatmeal. Of course, it had to be from the one place in downtown NYC that makes it with milk which in my opinion definitely makes it tolerable. Well worth the $2. (Yes I know it's cheaper to bring it from home but that's 30 minutes between a happy well rested me and Ms. Crabby Pants!).

Step Two - Lunchtime... So after a ~~Tasteless~~ Nutritious breakfast, there's what to have between the hours of 1230-130. This delectable delight usually came from the "roach coach" as I and my coworkers like to call the food cart that sits outside our building slinging up hot dogs and burgers and the healthier (not by much) chicken platter with grilled (read: fried on the grill) chicken smothered in BBQ or white sauce or both on top of rice and lettuce and tomato drenched in dressing. Yummy! The first day was the hardest... I walked out of my building and as soon as the food smells hit my nostrils I found myself gravitating towards it's source. But I stayed strong and walked right passed the cart hiding my face as not to make eye contact with the lovely couple who would have surely convinced me to order a nitrate filled goody dog for old times sake. Now this left another dilemma... What the heck can I eat? I ventured the Health Nut Mecca that is Whole foods for some ideas... I looked at their international buffet and walked right passed the dessert bar and perused the sushi counter. Other than the sushi, which had a mondo long line may I add, nothing seemed appealing. I would have snagged myself a roll or two but something about the start of my new "make better choices" campaign told me to forgo this option due to the carb value in the rice. After about 30 minutes of aimless wandering, there was only one option that was constantly hitting me over the head like an anvil on Wiley Coyote. An option that I truly didn't want to accept since I was convinced that it would be a dissapointment. An option that I finally surrendered to. And that option was ... SALAD. If you have read my blog for sometime, you may remember my love or lack there of for the green stuff. As a matter of fact, I think the last salad I had was the taco salad from the tex-mex place and I'm pretty sure it would be stripped of it's salad title once the calorie count gets out on that baby.

But with the $5 in mind I went into the deli and spent nine. Yes apparently you have to be rich in order to be healthy. I was pleasantly surprised by the interesting mix of goodies I piled on to mixed greens and no worries ground beef, cheese and sour cream were not in attendance. The key to the salad I'm convinced is in the dressing. I chose the Low Fat Asian Ginger Sesame Dressing. It's sweet and tangy and tasty. I get it on the side because although it says lowfat since it's sweet I'm sure the sugar count is not on the low side. I know I should have chose a healthy vinegar and oil dressing or no dressing at all but the fact is that I don't wanna!

Step 3 - Dinner... That one had more variety due to the takeout options I had and the fact that I don't hate to cook. This one was the easiest to do since all my kitchen utensils, pantry items, pots, pans and everything other than my microwave and toaster oven are currently in boxes, packed away because of my non-move and not unpacked due to the little hope that I will indeed move very soon. So I have been pretty much living on takeout which I'm not so fond of so let's just say dinner has been light, usually leftover lunch or a sandwich of some sort (on whole wheat of course)

Step 1-3 plus a major increase of water intake and major veto of soda ingestion, I have lost a few inches and possibly a bit of weight. I don't know for sure since I haven't owned a scale since the breakdown of 2003 Don't ask!

That brings us to today. Maybe it's because the deli ran out of oatmeal, or maybe it's because I was so tired that I thought I needed caffeine to take the edge off. Whatever it was caused me to walk out of the deli with none other than a 20 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi Max. My reasoning... It has low sodium and no sugar (yes I know aspertame is bad for you too).

It was downhill from there... Since I had no oatmeal, I went to my office's cafeteria for breakfast fully intending on getting some hot cereal (made with water yuck) and MAYBE a boiled egg. Unfortunately, the eggs were placed right next to the tray of lovely smelling sausages. I tried to resist but they were just calling my name...ok it was my coworker calling my name to get me out of my stupor but you know it counts!

Somehow along with the two boiled eggs appeared 2 sausage links nestled neatly in the recyclable takeout container. I'm not talking turkey sausage either but the original greasy spicy salty pork sausage. Hot cereal forgotten, I paid for my food feeling like a crackwhore paying for a hit. I know it's wrong but I'm weak. As I feasted, I couldn't help but close my eyes enjoying every morsel while it's being washed down with the cool tickle of my Diet Pepsi Max.

Filled to the brink. I went about my daily duties until about 1230 when it was lunchtime. I thought salad but didn't have time to go out so off to the cafeteria I went. (Un)Fortunately, They were having a BBQ special which was Rotiserrie BBQ Sauced Chicken with a hefty helping of potato salad and a fountain drink for $5. Not one to pass up a deal, I ordered the special and had my meal ingested within minutes.

You would think that would be enough to get me thoroughly disgusted with myself... But ha ha you would be wrong. Not an hour after lunch I found an entire bag of Werther's Original Candies in my desk. They have been there for a while because the hard candy were not as hard but that just made them even more irresistible since I'm a sucker for caramel anything.

After candy #7, it started. It was a small bubble burst at first, a gurgle at best. But the gurgle soon turned into a rumble and that's about the time that I made my way to the facilities... quickly! After losing what felt like 20 lbs and being chaffed in places I'd rather not mention... I made an executive decision... I'm staying AWAY from the cafeteria for the duration of this diet if not FOREVER! Apparently, my body being treated well for a little over a month didn't take to well to my calorie fest and the cafeteria tends to hide the healthy stuff behind all the not so healthy stuff.

Note to self: Buy Baby Wipes on the way home.

STRESSED!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:17:00 +0000

Right now I am waiting by the phone like a girl does when she puts out on the first date... But instead of some hot stud, I'm waiting on my lawyer to call me to let me know whether or not I will be closing on my new condo today. So if you're reading this please cross your fingers and send a little prayer to St. Joseph because it is said that he has strings that he pulls in these types of situations..

I never thought I'd be so stressed about not giving away 1000s of dollars! ERG

Update: The deal fell through... Life sucks...

Kids don't just SAY the darndest things...

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:38:00 +0000

So this week has been stressful! I have vented, snipped and snapped at everyone who dares piss me off (which wasn't hard). But in the midst of the fog there was a shining light in the form of an email from one of my girlie girls... She has a 1-yr old. It read:

So OK, I'm working. . . I'm finishing up the last document I'm working on today. I took a break to take [the kid] upstairs to change his diaper. He was very pee-ed and I wanted a few minutes break with him.

So I change him, bring him back downstairs and get back to work.

He starts playing in my office, but nicely, so whatever I keep working. He took off his shorts (he was already shirtless) and gave them to me. He started to take off his pamper but I caught him and put it back on. He went to another room, took off the pamper and came back and gave it to me, which he had already pee-ed.

OK so he's playing in front of my desk, in the cabinet in the book case right in front of my desk. And he's saying, no pee pee, no pee pee and I was like yes papi, no pee pee if you don't have a pamper on. . . and I keep working.

Then we're kinda playing peek-a-boo right, behind my monitor and cables and stuff and he keeps coming close, around the desk.

So I come around the desk and find a turd on the floor. A tiny, round turd. Too funny. So I get up and I'm LOL. I can't stand it. I was like Oh Crap. . . haa haa. . . so I get up to get a wipee to clean it up, when I get back I realized that he took a bigger poo poo almost inside the cabinet. . . that's when I was like OH SH%T. I was actually laughing harder at this point. And the highlight, he pee-ed too.

So I thought it would make you feel better to know you're not dealing with the same SH%T as me.

I love how my friends have some great timing sometimes!

=)

What not to do on the NYC Subway

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:49:00 +0000

Order takeout from a restaurant where you know the person answering does not. speak (nor understand) English.
Order from said restaurant using a credit card.
Order from said restaurant using your MAIN credit card and repeat the number, address, and expiration date loudly (because volume helps the language barrier).

Yes I did all this and am now paranoid that someone is going to steal my identity and I'm going to end up like that guy "driving off the lot in his new subcompact"

Needless to say some of my web surfing will include constant reviews of all my charges which will immediately lead to a rude awakening of how much money I actually spend.

I've been PUNKED!

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:42:00 +0000

Actually, not really... I've just been reviewed by BitterMistress over at Ask And Ye Shall Receive...

2 STARS! Not Bad... Expected alot worse... take a gander at their URL and you can pretty much see why. So the good news is, I'm not so bad at this writing thing. (Not a novelist I'm sure but I'm glad my OCD about spelling has paid off). The bad news... My blog looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismol threw up on it and my content is quite sweet and not enough bitter.

Although I love my template (thanks again Zoe), I fell more in love with the theme than with the color so a few tweaks may be in order. =)

WTF?!?!?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:08:00 +0000

Being enrolled in an High School where there are over 3000 students, there were like 10 "In crowds" and I wasn't part of any of them. I was always on the outskirts though. I was acquainted to alot of the members but I can't ever say I belonged. Not that I was less of a person for it... I really never cared. There are many benefits of being on the outskirts of the loop. You always know the gossip but are hardly really part of it.

That's how I feel right now...

It seems that the week I decide to go away, the blogosphere decides to become an elaborate soap opera. I will keep my opinions about it to myself because I really didn't know these people outside what was in their blogs and I therefore don't think my opinion matters. I feel for the women involved in this and although there are many factors that NO ONE knows... I think that they are the victims in all this... Yes even the "other" woman.

The thing about that is that there are women out there whose purpose in life is to get YOUR man... but not all "other" women are of this type. I don't condone infidelity at all but the fact is that shit happens! I really think that in a relationship, it's the person IN the relationship is in control of what happens outside of that relationship. No one can STEAL someone who is not willing to go.

I know I know women shouldn't do this to other women but reality is that unless the women know each other... One has no loyalty to the other. I have been cheated on and it sucks. I've also been the other woman (not knowingly) and that sucks too. Either way, the CHEATER (and I deliberately keep it gender unbiased because women do cheat) is the selfish one. THEY are the one that should have some loyalty to the one the claim is the one for them. If you want to get a pickle tickle from someone else... let that other person go. It's the only humane thing to do.

And that's my opinion about that. Like many commented already (being that I'm about a week late on this), this is not a soap opera, these are real people and I think that the closure many seek will not be received because the truth is that I doubt that the people who are directly involved will ever get that.

My heart goes out to the people involved because no matter which side you're on, it's a bitch!

The best city in the world

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 04:39:00 +0000

“ There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. […] Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion." - E.B. White, Here is New York

I am part of the first NY. Born and raised here, I don't have the luxury of looking at this wonderful city with the same eyes as the millions of tourists that bombard the streets on my way to work. I don't get why they take pictures of what ultimately is a construction site where the twin towers once stood. The two towers that I recall only as far as the Borders on the first floor and Wonders of the World on the top. A site millions travel miles to see, only makes me queasy remembering the day I'd grown sick of talking about. I walk by the great Empire State building but missing it's beauty as I go to the mom and pop discount shop where cheesy tshirts are sold. I get lost in Central Park as I travel cross town to save myself a few dollars and grabbing the subway on 5th Avenue instead of hailing the cabs tourist think are a way of life since that is what Carrie from SATC is always seen in. I love Times Square not because of the lights or the theater but for the fact that you can catch every subway line within a 2 block radius. That and BBQs(Great Pina Coladas there!)

NY is a city full of culture and unique beauty but all I see is my home and that my dear... is not so bad.

Just deleted my first comment EVER...

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:00:00 +0000

I love comments! No matter what they say, I always keep them. Today I was forced to delete one from someone who had nothing to say other than to visit their blog which if it's a real blog... I REALLY sucks but it actually looks more like one of those blogs people have to make money for posting. Not that there is anything wrong with that but if you're going to do that at least have something entertaining on it other than what social blog networking site approved your application to join...

Am I being too harsh? I don't think so. If you think so... I don't care.

Last night, I had what may have been the worst sleep in history and I'm majorly cranky!!! I t's so bad that I almost pushed a little Asian Lady down the stairs on the subway because she was moving too slow (ummm she wasn't old and wasn't handicapped as far as I can tell). Yes I get bitchy without adequate nappy time. Pity the users who mess with me today. I think I've written about 4 passive aggressive emails to idiots who swear they know more than I do...

For example: (Italics are in my head)

To: BSC
From: Classroom Admin
Re: Internet Connection

Hi [BSC],
There is a user having meeting going on in [Conference Room] and there is no internet connectivity. Please let me know what I need to do to get this fixed and how we can avoid such an issue in the future.

Thanks, CA
---

To: Classroom Admin
From: BSC
Re: Re: Internet Connection

Hi [CA],
I understand your issue (that you're an idiot) and I will try to assist you in anyway I can (if I feel like it). I can send a technician to check the connection but before I do that, please have the user reboot the machine and see if that fixes it. To answer your question, this issue can be avoided in the future by doing a "dry run" before the meeting to make sure all is working properly (like I state in the million emails you forward to these idiots everytime there is a meeting).

Regards, BSC
--

To: BSC
From: Classroom Admin
Re: Re: Re: Internet Connection

BSC,

Nope didn't work. Please send tech.

Thanks, CA
--

To: Classroom Admin
From: BSC
Re: Re: Internet Connection

[CA],

I will send a tech but you will need to call help desk to get a ticket number (enjoy hold bitch).

BSC

--

To: Classroom Admin
From: BSC
Re: Re: Internet Connection

[CA],

The User is up and running. It seems that the machine just needed to be rebooted. For future incidents, please have users reboot their machines. By reboot, I mean TURN IT OFF, wait 3 seconds then TURN IT ON. This should solve most issues. (You are now on my screening list!)

Have a good day,
BSC

-----

HAVE A GREAT LONG WEEKEND FOLKS!!!!

You're Never too Old to be an Abortion...

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:30:00 +0000

These were the words that were told to a 10 year old by my loving BF after enduring about 2 hours of nagging. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cringe but by God it made my day. You see I was swimming in fakeness since this year's BF Mommy Day Event was the hosted by the Faker and we all know how that relationship is.

Other than that, my life has been pretty tame thus far. Work is fine and I'm taking a break from school so I have alot of free time on my hands. Of course because of this, I am able to let my mind wander and figure out how to keep occupied (sleep is what wins out about 80% of the time). The thing is that I am embarking in this new venture and so far I have not been able to get my butt in gear to get it done. I have so many ideas but trying to sit down and organize them in a manageable way seems to be a challenge for me right now... and it's not like it's something I can just scrap since I really want to do it.

Any ideas on how to fight the urge to procrastinate?

Dodging Bullets

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 06 May 2008 19:00:00 +0000

There is a lot to be said about growing up in the "ghetto" streets of East Harlem NYC ... You learn when you are about to enter an unsavory situation in time to run away fast in the other direction.

Although I haven't been in involved in any reckless gunplay as of late, when I asked my boss about "advancement opportunities" sometime ago, I had the same sinking feeling in my stomach that I got when walking off the beaten path late at night. I was offered a position that was completely different from what I'm doing now and would be a lateral move at best. It was a new department to fill in the gap that the recent Reorg exposed; The only other choice I had was to stay put and see what happens. I chose the latter because "new" departments have a 50/50 survival rate and also I felt like I've worked so hard to become an asset to my department that to leave them high and dry to become a peon somewhere else is not something that gave me the warm fuzzies.

Coming up on my 10 year anniversary in the same department, I have been going through a series of what ifs and I wondered if the reason I chose to stay here was because I was too scared to do something else. Would it have been a smart move? Would I had made a bigger impact within the organization? Am I just stuck in a rut? Just when I was beginning to call myself a coward, my co-worker, DramaMama, came to me to vent about the craziness that she has to deal with on a daily basis. Guess where she works? Yup! She is the sole member of the department that I was offered to go into and she is going nutz... Apparently, the position that was painted as a Project Managing job turned out to be more database maintenance (read: data entry) and it would have been a lateral move for me at best. The only other person in the department is DM's boss which I met in passing and she doesn't seem to be the next contestant for Ms. Congeniality.

I've never been so glad that I didn't let my impatience get the best of me. almost 4 months to the day, I am now on the same level as the woman I would have been working for. Ain't that a hoot.

So things on the work front are as they should be and I am now jumping into a new and exciting endeavor. I will keep the details under wraps for now since it's still pretty raw but once it starts to come together, I will definitely be sharing it with you, my loyal readers (all 6 of you!)

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 09:34:00 +0000

I just submitted my blog to get raped by the people at Ask and Ye Shall Receive. I had a moment of "what the hell" and clicked submit. It was then that I realized what I had done.

My only refuge is that it may take about a month to get to me so I hopefully get more entertaining by then... ERG THE PRESSURE!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Part I

1. I am a sleeper. If I'm tired enough I can sleep in a club with my head propped on the speaker. How do I know this? it's happened.

2. I used to be every guys "little sister". Then I got boobs.

3. I have been referred as the girl in the bubble due to my many medical ailments.

4. I love to melt mozzarella cheese in the microwave until it's golden brown and eat it as a snack.

5. I end up wearing most of my food.

6. I cry alot... even during commercials.

7. I enjoy teen soaps (Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls) and even own the season DVDs.

8. Every time I am going through a rough patch, I do something to my hair. Most recently, I went back to my natural hair color.

9. I think I truly need a shrink but am too afraid to seek one out.

10. My first love was a guy from college who I never fully forgave nor really stopped being in love with.

Remembering....

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 22:02:00 +0000

Since you came into my life, I knew I always had a friend who would always greet me with excitement and joy. As I type this, I have tears in my eyes thinking of all the good times we had together. It's only been a day but I can't help but miss you so much it hurts. You were suffering and I know it was time to say goodbye but I can't help but wish things were different. I know you are now in a better place and I really hope that you are happy in a place where the pain is non-existent and you never have to suffer what you did when you were here.

I love you Blackie. I will miss you always...

I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change...

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:00:00 +0000

When you're in a relationship, change is inevitable. As the "honeymoon" stage fades, You don't look at each other the with the same longing as you once did... You make an effort to actually plan "us" time and things just become routine. After about a year and a half with the Boyfriend, things seem to just be going through the motions of a relationship. We bicker at nothingness, we get annoyed at each other's habits that used to roll off our backs but have become major thorns in our asses.

Sometimes I wondered if it was me. Was I spending too much time at work? Was I taking him for granted? Then there were times I thought it was him. Was he just bored with me? Was he even making an effort to make it work?

As time passed, it's become clear that it's not just him or me... it's US. I think we have just stopped trying to keep each other interested. I see glimmers of how things used to be when things came easy. Why is it that the more time you are with a person, the more they become strangers?

Last weekend we woke up early and just walked aimlessly through the neighborhood; just talking and laughing like old friends catching up on old times. We talked for a really long time and tried to understand what it was that got us to this place and how we can get back to where we were. The thing is I don't think we can ever go back... and that scares me.

Mamma got a new pair of shoes!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bittersweet Confusion) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:51:00 +0000

In celebration of a bit of extra fundage, I decided to treat myself to a brand spankin new blog template courtesy of Zoe of Chic and Sassy Designs.

Isn't it AWESOME!!!!

Real post coming soon... Apparently, sitting here looking pretty and blogging is no longer part of my job description... heheheheh