Wendy's Lore

Meeting My Writing Self

2011-04-14T01:06:00.002-07:00

So, here we are. Me, myself and I. Meeting at the internal mirror of self-reflection. I have declared it again. That I am a writer, so I am. A Writer. That is writing. Right now.

I stumble into my past now and then, reviewing glimpses of weak writing endeavors. Looking at old, but pristine journals, blank except for the printed lines that should be supporting beautiful words like songbirds on wires. I keep them safe and clean and unused-just in case I have to write something profound.

Only one problem: my self loathing stops the creative flow. Dead in it's tracks. No chance of CPR, organ transplant or a weeping Madonna miracle statue. And fear. That I think is the bigger one.

How many of us fail not because of quitting or coming in second place-which by the way is now called first place loser. But fail because we never start. Fear of failure, success, ridicule, fame, no fame. I know I have. And it is insane. I know because I read it somewhere-insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So do we have a new plan? Of course, I am asking my three selves that question, but you are welcome to join us. I am going to be posting many more musings and lore-self lore, not self loathing. Not writer's block-that occurs when I stop listening to the voices in my head.
Do you want to write too? Great! Stop, no, wait... Finish reading my post and then start writing!

Why this personal manifesto? Mainly because I have been set free inside by another writer's words.

Mark David Gerson is a gentle, strong and articulate spirit I discovered on Twitter over a year ago. I was searching tweets about Albuquerque and saw his post citing the Flying Star Cafe. I've been to a few of those-they are wonderful-like Starbucks, but with a full wonderful menu and a library of magazines and other reads. And so it began as a few exchanges of common interst tweets as I discovered his writing and prowess for encouraging others. His book, The Voice of the Muse was the first one I downloaded to my phone via KOBO.com Great alternative to the other bigger e-book sellers. And Mark David sent me a coupon towards my first purchase. Okay, I was hooked and I bought his other book: The MoonQuest: a True Fantasy (which btw, is on it's way to becoming a major motion picture)

Through Mark David's genuine guided meditations, I have embraced that I AM a writer. I have decided to stop talking about being a writer and write. Posting on Twitter and Facebook, I have lamented about wanting to write and Mark David commented that I AM a writer-I had just written something and someone read it. It was a wonderful feeling. You too can believe this-speak it to yourself: I AM a writer...

Personal musings will be appearing here within my lorepages and I have started a new HubPages account that will have book reviews, recommendations and regurgitation; a.k.a. bio feedback.

Writing here, Hubbing and personal journaling has to be my life now. Along with Altered Art-yes I will post pictures when I feel the urge, stories about the loves of my life, looking forward and reflecting my past.

I want to go on and on and on right now and I think that is GOOD! Being open to the creativity and guided by my personal Muse will fill those old, guarded empty journals.

I know in my heart I am off on a grand journey-starting within. And as I write, so I shall read also. fuel the creative fire with papered words for the Voices of other muses.

It has begun.

2011-03-12T19:58:00.001-07:00

Just like that! I can blog from my phone!

Food I DON'T Have to Fix

2011-01-31T15:44:00.001-07:00

I love food I don't have to fix. Don't get me wrong, I do love to prep, cook and serve delicious home cooked meals. But there are times when I am the one that wants to be served. I want to be the one that ooohs and ahhhs over the presentation, the dishes, the wine choices. So, until my children become chefs, gourmands or foodies themselves, I have a plan.

Restaurants. Goes with the saying: "The best thing to make for dinner? Reservations!"

Of course I would LOVE to go to the five star and country club style venues all the time, but I have discovered a FUN way to experience many different types of food fare with out going broke.

Restaurants.com is a wonderful way to try different out of the way, under the radar establishments. Some may be newbies, some are small family owned hole-in-the-wall niches and some will be familiar to you.

These are NOT usually the big chain or franchise outlets. This is what makes it interesting. I have discovered quaint and quiet spots for my husband and me to run and hide from the everyday frey.

Here's how it works: You spend a little, get a certificate, go to the restaurant, spend a little more and get a whole lotta dinner! Okay, that was sort of vague, but you get the point. It's a way for restaurants to get more diners in to their diners for dinners.
Okay, here is the scoop:

go to Restaurants.com via the link above this post and below the header on my blog (yesh, I am shamelessly promoting this site-cuz I love it!)
Set up your free account-they have to have your email, etc to send you the certificates
search for a restaurant by zip code, cuisine, distance, etc
purchase a $25 gift certificate for as little as $2 - $10. Yes- two dollars!
Print out your certificate and use whenever.

Now there are some stipulations for use. There are minimum purchases, most add an 18% gratuity, you may only use one certificate in a restaurant once a month-that means just visit a different one if you want to dine out more often.

Now you might be thinking, sure that is the catch. the bill has to be huge to get the savings! Oh, no, no, no. Here is what we have experienced:

Restaurant: My Big Fat Greet

Certificate value: $25

Minimum purchase: $35

Our Bill: $58 (we had to get the flaming cheese!)

Our spending: $28 at restaurant and $2 for the certificate

Our latest experience was an Italian restaurant in Gilbert, AZ by the name of Amarone Italiano

We chose this as the site for my step son's family dinner after his Boy Scout Eagle Court of Honor last Saturday. We LOVED it! We will go back. the sauces were fresh, the ravioli was hand made. WE watched them hand toss individual pizza dough that went into the wood fired brick oven.

This is a phenomenal way to save on your dining experiences.

Each restaurant has their own range of values. They may offer $25, $50, $75 and/or $100 certificates. Just remember, the total bill must be about double the certificate.

The savings range from 50% to 80% off for the price of the certificate. The site runs specials at least once a month.

Here is the really cool part:

No membership fee
No minimum purchases on the site
General gift cards are available-you don't have to decide today which restaurant
You can gift these certificates via email or a hard gift card in the mail

So, I will see you in the restaurant! We will be sitting enjoying a fine glass of wine, appetizers and maybe a dessert to share.

Just remember to tip your wait staff!

Happy noshing!

Saving Money & Making Money On Line

2011-01-24T08:11:00.004-07:00

January-our month of resolutions, renewing commitments, making change. I could get all sentimental and write about honoring traditions, etc. But I have a new approach for the new year...

How about saving money? We all want a bargain and there are many ways to save money. I love the TV ads for the holiday furniture sales: "SAVE 40% this weekend ONLY!" My mom used to say; "We will save 100% if we don't buy it at all." My mom, funny, but true.

In these times we have to make wiser choices with our money. Make it go farther and make it work for us.

Shopping on line is a great way to save money. Right off the bat there is the savings on gas-no driving. Then there are the on line coupons, promo codes and 2 for 1 daily deal sites. These are all great and part of the fun is the hunt for the bargain. But how much time do we all spend searching for the best deals?

I shop on line but I let a shopping portal do the work for me. Is this a plug? Yes. If I have something good that works for me, why would I keep it to myself? If I am saving money, I want my friends and family to save money also.

It is called KLIKFIRE.

It is a shopping site that has partnered with almost 1800 major retailers. The savings are built in and are passed on to me via the advertising dollars that the stores do NOT have to spend trying to get my attention. Each retailer posts their savings, specials and cash back-what?

*****Did I say cash back?YES, I did. CHA-CHING!

Klikfire gives you cash back on your purchases, each percentage is posted so you can compare and see what your money back will be.

Here is an example from 2 days ago. I needed a restaurant gift card to give as a thank you gift at a Scouting function. I went to my Klikfire portal, found Restaurants.com and started looking. I thought I would have to pick the restaurant, but I soon discovered I could purchase a general gift certificate-a $50 one for only $25 AND I get over 9% back to me on the $25

Now of course, there are skeptics; I used to be one. Especially about clothes and shoes. I didn't want to order something from a catalog, get it, it didn't fit and then I had to ship it back. I figured out I was paying to try clothes on! I stopped that. So I devised a plan-if I see an item I want, like a shirt at Target or a fishing vest at Cabella's-I go try it on in their store and then order my correct size on line. So now we are back to the gas consuming, time eating chores of going to the stores? Not if you combine that with other errands.

The best part about KLIKFIRE, imho, is it is FREE to use. No membership fees or subscriptions. I can browse all I want, compare stores, products and prices and even play a few cheesy, but fun on line games for a chance at a daily cash drawing.

I recant that statement-the BEST part is reading an email that says I have CASH BACK, waiting to be claimed.

What stores participate? Amazon, Target, Cabella's, Office Depot, 123 Inkjets, Delta, Vitamin Store, Adidas, Big Dogs, Build-a-Bear, etc. The list goes on and on and on. Search by category, store or product. There are stores I had not heard of until I found them on Klikfire.

Now I need to point out that the cask back is not immediate. There is waiting period equal to the return policy for each store. It might be 30, 60 or 90 days. I can see why. This could be abused-buy a cartload of stuff, get the cash back and then return it all.

So if you have some time on line, at least a few minutes-after you are done reading this; clickthe link and see what the site has to offer. And if you have that on line promo code or coupon, you can use that with Klikfire-it will give you the best option to get the most cash back or best bottom line price.

So my New Year's resolution is to not spend any more money than I need to and get paid to shop on line when I want. Excuse me, I'm going to check on a price on e-books through Klikfire....

...I'll let you know what I found.

Happy online shopping!

NaNoWriMo---Where did it GO?

2011-01-05T11:16:00.006-07:00

I gave fair warning back in early November that I would be unavailable for November-that writing would consume me-and it nearly did. So much so that I forgot that I had written the previous post-and had forgotten to hit the publish button!

So, if you are up for a bit of redundance and some new insigh-ride along with me for the writing...

I rose to the challenge of writing 50,000 words in 30 days. Yes that was fifty-thousand. Whew-even took a lot of energy just to write THAT!

It took some time to recover from the reeling spin that NaNoWriMo put on my life. I thought it would not be too hard to write an average of 1,667 words a day. I think most of us type that many words in a disconnected format on FaceBook or Twitter or commenting on blogs. I assumed (yes, we all know what THAT means!) that I could just write each day and be fine.

Well, it didn't help to start 3 days late. I had forgotten about the whole event from reading about it in 2009. I had stumbled upon National Novel Writing Month via a tweet ...or was it a FaceBook post? That part I don't remember.

What I do remember is the exhilaration I felt joining thousands of people worldwide embarking together on this voyage of WPD, the purple line and 30 days and nights of literary abandon!

First of all I did not win according to the word count. The title of "Winner" was bestowed upon those that hit the magical mark of 50,000. I humbly limped along at 25,000. So I consider myself a "Half-Mo" instead of the full "Wrimo" moniker that was christened upon masses.

I did discover many interesting things:

Aiming low is the best way to succeed-anywhere became upward progress!
If I didn't write it then, I probably never would have started
Writing 25,000 words of possible crap was still writing 25,000 words
Art for art's sake made me feel pretty damn good about myself
New friendships were formed with other Wrimos on FaceBook
I am a writer. I AM a Writer. I am a WRITER.

How did I do that? How was I finally able to declare myself a writer? I finally put aside some of the self loathing baggage that was holding me back from writing. This was the greatest gift from this experience. But it did not begin with November. It began earlier in 2010 when I connected with Mark David Gerson, a writer, an author and now a screenwriter. His gentle prodding and positive feedback propelled me forward. I found energy, my own voice, mirroring back to me in the words from his book, The Voice of the Muse. If you find that you are feeling an urge to write-that is your muse softly supporting you. Listen and if you want more confirmation, meditate with Mark David's YouTube post: You Are a Writer You might surprise yourself.

I found a kinship in those who struggled along side me on line. We would rant, discuss, rave and rejoice in flukes, failures and flights of writing fancy. That was a big help. the blank page was not so big and foreboding when I knew I had my Wrimo besties on my shoulder. I think we were all part of each other's muses.

I believe we are all writers. Maybe not on paper with words, but with art, drama, engineering, dance, song and our individual lives. We write the path for our own journey. I have discovered that is a more enjoyable trip with kindred spirits along for the ride. A personal parade where friends and family cheer us on, throw confetti and sometimes want our autograph.

***********************

Although I still have baggage about being creative, being a writer; I know I have downsized from a full steamer trunk to a knap sack. My inner critic is less intrusive and easier to distract.I will be wring again in November, with my eyes on the prize of writing 50,000 words.

Farewell NaNoWriMo-Greetings, December!

2010-12-02T16:29:00.005-07:00

It's over. National Novel Writing Month 2010.

I was there. I was a Participant. I wrote. Even with the Guilt Monkey on my back and the Octopus looming around me.

I wrote at night, I wrote in the morning, while the TV was on, while my daughter was watching Bruno Mars on YouTube. Driving back from Thanksgiving in Oxnard, California-yeah-in the car-I was not driving.

Word count. The big phrase on everyones fingertips. Asking each other-What's your word count?

Various answers with emotional tags attached spilled into the forums pages and on line. FaceBook, Twitter, groups, clubs, write-ins and word sprints and word wars.

It was quite the battle for the month of November.

I was not as prepared as others. I found my rank as a Pantser as in 'flying by the seat of my pants.' I discovered Pep Talks from authors I admire and some I've even read. The biggest piece of advice was: WRITE for the sake of writing. Dont stop, let the fingers fly as ideas pour out of your head. Even if the vessel feels dry as a bone. Write something...there is no blank page.

Only quantity, words-words-words. Like machines, I and my fellow Wrimos wrote and entered our Word Count into the great Na No Word Update Calculator each night before our local time zone stroke of midnight.

The world was carved up into Regions decided by what countries, cities and areas were participating. This was all by volunteer writers. No one was forced to write.

But I for one went into this very blind. Ignorance was my bliss, hope was my editor and my daughter was my cheerleader. Had I taken some time to figure out that this would be a commitment of a minimum of 1668 words per day to average out the 50K, perhaps I would have paused and rethought diving into this typing pool of group frenzy.

I took off writing slowly, I know this because I can still view the chart of my daily progress or lack there of posted on the official website. The graph posted has a purple line that starts a zero bottom left and ascents upward at almost a true 45 degree angle. Each day I wrote my column for my word count would creep up closer to that line. That is IF I wrote my minimum of 1668 WPD. I did not.

For one thing, I did not discover the graph until Week 3 of NaNo. I was confused hearing about 'the purple line'. I had connected with other Wrimos (that is what we are called) on FaceBook on a regional group page. The writers were so varied. Young high school students, moms, college students, artists, so many out there.

I connected with about 11 Wrimos online and we would start a chat about our challenges writing. Physically, time wise and of course dealing with Writer's Block.

I read on Pep talk int he beginning, labeled under the Get Started Now tab.

Basically, it said to write-don't think, don't correct spelling or grammar, don't stop, just write, yes, there will be crap, you want quantity right now, not quality...write. Right now.

So, I did. I wrote. Sometimes in a frenzy during a word sprint spurred on by others in the Phoenix group. Ready, set, Write! For 15 minutes or 30 minutes at a go, we would write and then post our word count to each other for mutal admiration. And only then would we exhale and take a deep breath in and start again.

My final word count is 25,000, give or take a few. Some of it junk, most of it good. There are random interjections where I wandered off my story line-but I kept writing. I refused to be stopped by the BLOCK.

I will post again when I have collected my sanity from underneath my keyboard..... whew.

Goodbye October... Hello NaNoWriMo

2010-10-30T23:44:00.003-07:00

I will be busy come November. Please don't try to book an appointment with me. I am not available for trivial events such as lunch or a movie. I will be busy with my regular back office desk job as QUALIFI's Client Care Manager(quotes all around). It's the usual, saving small business owners from clients with low credit scores, FAXing and emailing documents to the finacial entities we are partnered with. Training the local new client-how to use the payment system --but now there will be more.

I will become immersed in NaNoWriMo. I figure I am close to losing what's left of my mind, so I might as well give it the push it deserves over the edge.

National Novel Writing Month. Been going on since 1999. I missed all the previous years, but not this year. This is the year of my novel.

Writing 50,000 words in 30 days. I am expected to produce quantity, not quality. Finally, I am getting encouragement for creating CRAP! It is a group effort, hundreds of thousands of people-writer wanna-bees. Regular people with a dream in their heart. 30 days. Average 1,666 words a day will produce a 175 page novel. What a novel idea.

I just had a feeling of what it will be like: SCUBA. The sensation when I've plunged into the ocean from the dive boat. The flurry of the air that I drug down with my body, escaping past me, back to the surface. My body, with an air tank strapped to my back, my feet, now finned and flexible, my eyes adjusting to the skewed visual I have through my mask-I become neutrally buoyant as I slip into a slow motion version of myself. The water closes around me like a friendly blanket. I am immediately comfortable at home in salty liquid.

The only voice is my own, in my head taking in all the sights. The thoughts start zooming through my mind trying to record everything I see. I don't want to miss a single thing.The sounds are only my sounds. And if I am quiet, beyond the draw of the regulator, I can hear my heartbeat in my head, feel it in my chest as I tune into my channel. Or channel into my tune.

Last month, I made the effort to go hear Jean Michel Cousteau speak during the National Geographic LIVE series in Mesa, AZ. I grew up watching his father-Captain Jacques Cousteau invite me into that wonderful world. An audience member asked after the presentation, what was his favorite dive. Mssr. Cousteau answered, "The next one."

The future is always more alluring than the past or the present. I think it is the unknown, part dreams and part hope.

I think NaNoWriMo will be like that. I will get into my creative wetsuit and dive into a sea of words, phrases, sentence structures, characters, plots and ideas. I will try to take them all in and make sense of what I can grasp, focus on, feel and hear.

I will surface December 1st. 50,000 words from Under The Sea of Me.

Fins UP!

Deserving Love

2009-11-04T19:30:00.002-07:00

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
~Swedish proverb

How often do we feel that we don't deserve love? I think that as a woman, it is more difficult to feel deserving. We work so hard at helping others, sometimes I belive we forget to focus on ourselves. We bestow gifts and applause on others, but shy away and shake our heads when someone wants to do the same for us.

Giving vs. Receiving

We learned as children, "'Tis better to give than it is to receive..." Well, if everyone is giving, who is doing the receiving? How often have we encountered people who argue with us? "Oh, no thank you, I don't deserve THAT......Oh you didn't HAVE to do that..." Thanks a lot.....now my ovature is crap. why did I even bother? Wouldn't it be interesting if we agreed with the person the next time they said something like that? "Ya know, Susie, your right, you don't deserve this gift, I think I'll keep it for myself." Now THAT would spark some thought.

I've learned to look at receiving a gift or a compliment-even love; as a form of giving. I am giving the OTHER person the opportunity to give. And see the joy they experience just as I enjoy giving.

Why do we believe we DON'T deserve love? Or anything else for that matter? For me it was years of conditioning-feeling that my self was worth-less. Less that anyone else so why should I receive something that I did not deserve?

Edification is a wonderful awareness place for me. I now know how to give and receive love, edify another person and give someone else the chance to give.
What are some struggles you have had with 'deserving love' or receiving? How did you deal with them? Please GIVE me your responses.....I'd LOVE to receive them!

Letting Go of Grief

2009-11-02T09:27:00.007-07:00

Going through grief is just that-you go through it. For some people it is a slow, agonizing journey, for others it is a place to dwell in the past. Grief can strike from a knock on the door about an accident, a doctor's report about cancer, divorce papers delivered at work , maybe news about job loss. It is different for everyone. Recovery is different for everyone. And grief is not an emotion that travels alone. There is anger, sadness, resentment, loss of hope, depression, guilt and many others. The underlying grief is the catalyst that brings all the other phases out. Some people act out while others internalize it and you would never know. Some people grow through it and move forward with their lives and still others stay stuck in their grief.

Looking back, I can't really remember when I realised my Dad was gone. It happened when I was 17 months old, about month after my 19 year old sister was married. Dad was 52 and had some history of high blood pressure, I think he was taking medication for it, but Mom is unclear on what he took or for how long. We do know that he chose to take his meds only when he 'felt he needed them'. I always thought that was like trying to drive a car when one felt that it didn't need wheels.

The story goes that he had a stroke in his car while sitting at a stoplight in the left turn lane. He was behind another car. As his body convulsed and contorted, his foot slipped off the brake pedal and his car bumped the one in from of him. That driver got out to approach my dad and finding him slumped in his seat unconscious, called for help. Dad was taken to a local hospital where he lay in a coma. My brother was called there from work and my 2 sisters were there soon after. Dad passed away a day later.

During this time, Mom and I were out of town. We had taken the train from So. California back to her hometown of Rochester, NY. The train tickets were a surprise gift from Dad. He knew how much Mom missed her family and she had not been back in years. We were visiting family, I was playing with cousins I had just met, staying with aunts & uncles that my mom had missed. It was July and summer was upon us. Mom got the phone call, "Grover had a stroke." We flew home the next day.

I don't remember crying. I don't remember the train or airplane trip. I don't have clear memories of the house we were in at the time. I was told later that I stayed at a neighbor's house during the funeral.

As the years passed, I heard stories about my dad. How he was so handy at fixing things, what a talented machinist he was. He fabricated parts out of metals for manufacturing, some were prototypes, some were one-of-a-kinds made on demand to get in place asap. While I was still young, I told people my dad had gone to Heaven to fix things. I don't know if someone told me that when I asked where Daddy was or if I said that on my own.

I didn't think my life was much different than other kids until certain events arose that reminded me that I didn't have a DAD. Father-Daughter dances and teas. Church outings and camping trips. Shopping trips where a Dad spoils his 'Little Princess'.

My journey through grief was really a path of discovery of the event, an awareness that something had gone wrong. I remember visiting his grave site in Rose Hills Cemetery. Mom and I would go sometimes and place flowers in the holder that was flush with the grass above the flat metal grave marker. Sometimes we would have to dig around the opening to clear overgrown grass before we could leave the flowers. Mom tells me, she remembers me playing as if it were just another park.

I don't know what year we stopped going to visit. Life got busy with school and church activities, Mom worked a bit part time at church, but mainly did errands, chauffeuring and ironing for neighbors and church members. I started feeling left out, resenting other girls' relationships with their fathers. I had my brother and 2 brother in laws, but it just didn't seem to feel right.

When I could drive, I went to the cemetery to visit again. And it really hit. I made the connections that he was gone, I didn't get to have a Daddy-Daughter experience. I racked my brain to remember something of those days when I was his pride and joy, when he would come home from work, take me in the car, put me on his right shoulder and drive a few houses down to visit neighbors.

I remember getting angry in my teens. Angry at my dad for his responsibility in his death. He should not have been at that intersection at that time of day. He should have been at work. Even if he had gone somewhere for lunch, he was headed in the wrong direction. He should have taken better care of his health. I was mad that he had been so selfish. He would not be there for my graduation, to walk me down the aisle or to see his grandkids. All the new technology he would miss out on. He was an avid ham radio operator and tinkered around with remote mute controls on the family TV back in the '50's. He worked on cars and fixed neighbors lawnmowers.

Recently, I asked my 94 year old mom if she missed dad-her husband. It had been such a long time ago, she said; and when it happened, she had a toddler (me) to take care of. She continued, saying that she didn't have time to grieve. Some people have told me that I was a blessing to her during that time, some told me that I was better off not knowing Dad, for he was not a loving, giving person and maybe I wouldn't be who I am today if he had lived. Was that a statement they thought would help me accept my father's death? The awkwardness grief dishes out delivered as a kindness I don't understand. It never made me feel better about my loss. Maybe it was meant to help the other person accept the situation.

Have I handled my grief? Have I moved on? It has been hard to measure. I have thought about it more and more lately, maybe because I now have 2 kids that don't have a grandfather on my side. Or maybe because I am blessed with a second marriage that is with a wonderful man and four step children. That I would want my dad to see me happy. I would want to share my artwork and my inventions with him. I would want him to be proud of me. Those things I will never know.

I have read a book that has been very helpful. The situation is not the same as mine, but the grief process is the connecting factor that really moved me. From Pain to Peace shares the story of Pat Bluth's journey through grief. After the death of her daughter by a drunk driver, she wanted revenge when he was let off with a mere slap on the wrist. Pat traces the steps she went through to go from rage to forgiveness and healing.

I found myself crying through Pat's story as I relived pain from my own life-loss of a parent and divorce. The hurt can be dealt with, healed and released. "God is good. All the time." says Pat. I also celebrated her joy in finding comfort and healing through forgiveness. I found a reconnection with my Heavenly Father, an acceptance of my father's death and a place of forgiveness where I can grow from. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you."-George Herbert

If you know someone who is struggling with grief-whatever the cause, and you know they are hurting, maybe this book would help them also. It gave me a road map to change my journey and be at peace with my situation.
"We are all on a life long journey and the core of it's meaning, the terrible demand of it's centrality is forgiving and being forgiven."~ Martha Kilpatrick

Who Am I Today?

2009-10-24T20:36:00.006-07:00

I've been pondering all the changes I have gone through to get where I am and to be who I am today. Some events could be remembered with fear, frustration or just a bone-chilling shudder. Anger and resentment could be part of all this, but I have been trying very hard to shed those sort of thoughts and concentrate on the lessons I learned from my past.

I honestly, in my heart, have to thank those mean girls at school that took my books and homework in 5th Grade, the person that stole my 1st ever baseball glove, the boy friend in high school that showed me what cheating was all about. A roommate that left me with the rent to pay....etc. Do any of these sound familiar to anyone else?

I could go on about my 1st marriage and divorce, but that is a story for another blog.

What have I done with these experiences? A few I have forgotten-maybe-they are too painful. There are many that I have chosen to accept as a gift of knowledge. That old saying, "Remember and learn from the past (history) or you will be doomed to repeat it."

I could be angry, many have told me I have the right to, but where would I be and what would I be inside?

I used to be shy in school. My report cards would read A's & B's with the added note of: "Wendy is a delight in class, helpful but very shy." Or, "Too quiet, but very sweet." My first year in college I received a "D" in Speech class. I would get so nervous that my voice would just disappear.

It took me many years to discover that I had to care for and love myself first before I could do anything else for anyone else. I learned that if I tried to please everyone, no one was happy. Especially me. I had the help of a kind counselor, some temporary medications and prayer. Guidance from Pastor Moe at my present church and the support of my church family showed me the value of ME.

My four years at Paradise Bakery helped me really emerge from my shell of insecurity that was building around me during my marriage. I believed the things I was being told as reality. I had become the frog in the pot of water. My spirit slowly cooked with falsehoods and diluted into a murkiness of depression. Gradually, with guidance from exceptional mentors I blossomed into a great trainer and exceptional customer service advocate. I take great pleasure in providing a memorable experience for someone-a church member at a potluck, a neighbor at a picnic, a friend in need, a charity or an organization. There are so many opportunities to give to get these days. Give of myself to get a smile.

So, today I am a woman with many talents and experiences that I can draw upon for different situations. I take my hits and misses equally as fodder for building better relationships in the future. Would I do anything different? I do not believe so. For any regrets that I have for any lost opportunities, it would be difficult to imagine where else I would be.

I am here now because of my choices. I am who I am because of my choices. And I am happy with myself.

I am me.

Stopping My Blogging Fears

2009-10-23T13:21:00.008-07:00

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” – Elbert Hubbard

Okay. Whew. That wasn't so bad...I got past the first words to write on my blog. So they are not my words, but a quote-they gave me the courage to type what I am thinking and feeling NOW. Sometimes, one needs someone else to go first.

I admit, I have been procrastinating-out of fear. Fear of ridicule, indifference, isolation, bad grammar, self reflection, self criticism and success. Yes, success-a traumatic reoccourance in my childhood. You see, I was the last child, much later than my 3 siblings. Twenty-three to seventeen years later. I had Mom to myself after Dad passed from a stroke in '62. I was 17 months old. My siblings were out of the house, married and one had 2 kids of her own. I think Mom had time to spend on me and that bit of extra attention encouraged me to express my creativity. I drew and painted and enjoyed it at elementary school in a suburban town just East of Los Angeles.

Then came the statements, "Wow, that is fantastic, you are so artistic! It's wonderful...blah, blah blah." By the time I muddled my thoughts through the blah-blahs of my sister, all I could think of was, "Oh, great. Now I have to come up with something better for next time."

Yup, way back then was when the pressure started. And that pressure lead me to NOT even start things. I labeled myself as a procrastinator and used it as a handy-dandy, all inclusive excuse for not finishing things. Recently, I was told by a very smart lady that I am a DOER. I just had not believed it all this time. I am not too old to learn and change.

Lately, I have become fascinated by the world of Social Media and have been Facebooking and Twittering. I have gathered genuine followers and have real friends on FB-not just Zanga invites. I have found inspiration on line, in books and in my dreams-usually after reading some of those books.

So today is the day that I kick started my writing. I had to. There is so much in my brain, that I speak it and edit it faster than I can remember to write it down. (Maybe I need a tape recorder...)

I want to thank Elbert Hubbard, posthumously (1856-1915) for his words of encouragement, @problogger, @CoachDeb, @WarrenWhitlock and @writingspirit on Twitter for their positive reinforcing posts, books and direct messages. It all came together today when I read the quote and realized that making a mistake is still moving foreward. And I found the quote here on mlmdreamsaver.com I searched 'blogging mistakes and fears' and found great relief within Vicki Berry's blog.

Even though this sounds like an acceptance speech at an awards show, it's more of making the opportunity to give gratitude. I have been struggling with what all to share here, but I think I will let all these words soak into the internet, Twitterverse, cyberspace, mind spaces and SEO word races.

I believe I will continue blogging. This has been like getting on one of those really scary-big, super fast roller coasters after ditching the line a few times and then getting on with the encouragement of friends. Not as scary as I thought, although my stomach is still a bit queasy. Anyone have any Tums?

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She thinks: After reading what I just wrote I'm thinking, that wasn't too bad, I made it quick and virtually painless. Reminds me of another less famous and less serious quote: "Off like a Band-Aid." That one I attribute to Dennis Tietz at Paradise Bakery.